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How to Confess Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse

Last Updated: July 22, 2021

Every time I found out about Craig using porn, I either found it on the computer or I caught him in the act. All the while, whenever I asked him about his temptations or actions, he denied engaging it except for one time.

Though his confession was painful to hear, it paled in comparison with the rage and sense of betrayal I felt when I caught him trying to hide it from me. Lies are never better than the truth.

Why Confess?

We often tell our children it’s better if they confess to us first before we find out about something they did wrong. And this goes for adults too.

Anytime we harbor secret sin, it has the power to eat away at us and damage our relationships. Sin without confession always seems to beget more sin. We must keep up the lie lest we risk exposing the truth.

Even lies from long ago tend to bubble up to the surface. A few months ago, Craig and I met with a couple struggling with porn addiction. The wife had an affair twenty years ago. She ended it, confessed the sin to God, and went about her marriage, never considering to tell her husband. God prompted her to confess this to her husband 20 years later. And do you know what this led to? Him confessing his porn addiction to her.

Neither confession was easy to hear or forgive, but both confessions bore fruit. Her authenticity freed him to reveal himself as imperfect. His confession brought a current problem to light so he could get help and eventually receive love and support from his spouse.

Marriages weren’t designed so individual people could solve their individual problems. Marriages were designed so two people could help refine and love each other like Jesus helps and refines us.

Are you addicted to porn? Do you need some help? Do you need to bring your problems to the light so you don’t have to live a lie anymore? It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Tips for Confessing Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse

Pray first. In your time with God, pray that He will give you the words to say to your spouse and ears for him or her to respond to your confession. Ask God to prepare her heart for what she is about to learn. Ask the Holy Spirit to be present with both of you during this and subsequent conversations. Pray for protection against the enemy coming in to do more damage to your relationship.

Choose your timing wisely. Sometimes when we need to confess something to someone, we want to sneak it in when there’s not much time so the conversation will be over as fast as possible. Don’t drop a bomb and then expect to move on to your next activity. When you confess, make sure you have the time to allow both of you to talk and process as you need in a safe place.

Think about your partner when she hears this news and have options for her to process as she needs. Will she need a quiet space alone to think? If so, plan to give her the space. Take the kids off her hands for awhile–whatever she needs in order to be able to cope with this news. Is your husband an external processor? If so, be prepared to hear the myriad of emotions that comes with a confession of betrayal. Allow him to speak about how he feels: betrayed, angry, confused, hurt, etc.

Don’t expect forgiveness right away. Yes, we are supposed to forgive one another because we are all sinners and God always forgives us when we ask. Allow for your spouse to be human and know it might take some time for her to come to a place where she forgives you. Also be aware he might verbally say, “I forgive you” but his actions might not match up with that right away.

There are stages of grief (and your spouse is grieving the loss of the marriage as he knew it to be), so expect waves of differing emotions as you walk through this together. Your spouse may also try to figure out what did wrong to cause this, so reassure her this is about you and not her.

Have a plan or be willing to make a plan. If you know what you need in order to find freedom from your addiction, let your spouse know how you are actively breaking your addiction. If you are at a total loss for what your next steps should be, enlist the help of a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.

Be open to what your spouse might suggest as helpful things as well. Though things like Internet filters are not cures for pornography, having them installed on your electronic devices might help her feel more at ease. Be willing to talk about it as much as your spouse needs to discuss it. Every idea your spouse has may not be beneficial, but it’s important you hear her heart behind her suggestions and take the ones God leads you to consider.

Related: What Every Wife of a Sex Addict Has the Right to Know About Her Husband’s Recovery

Keep praying. Pray together. Pray individually. Pray for yourself and for your spouse. The enemy has many entrances to both the addicted and the spouse, but the power of prayer and the Word of God are strong weapons to keep Satan out and love in.

After you confess, you might doubt you did the right thing. But know this: Truth is always better than a lie. In order for your marriage to be whole, you and your spouse need to be real with each other, learn how to best support each other and be mutually invested in each other’s healing and recovery, whether it’s porn or any other thing in the way of a loving, strong, healthy marriage.

  1. OR here’s an idea… don’t get “married” if you are addicted to porn. You are ALREADY going into the marriage breaking one of the key vows, “forsaking all others” …

    This generation is saturated in porn and for so any reasons it’s out of control.

    But I take extreme prejudice against men and women who MARRY their spouse WITHOUT THEM KNOWING THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE!

    A, If you are getting married to someone, this shouldn’t be a secret to begin with. Your spouse has EVERY RIGHT to know what you do with your lust, sin, and privates that does NOT involve them and WILL NOT involve them. Because they should have the right to KNOW. You would want to know if it was the other way around.

    B. DO NOT get married if your addiction isn’t under control. I can not tell you how many men and women I’ve counseled who use the old “I’ll stop when I’m married” or “I do it because I can’t have sex…”
    – bologna. You do it because you want to look at porn. What are you going to do if you marry someone and then illnesses prevent them from having sex? Stop lying to yourself about your porn habit. You do it because you want to… You don’t “need” sex to survive, you need to learn how to be sacrificial in your marriage and one of the ways to do that is to come clean about your porn addiction BEFORE marriage and get it cleaned up and out BEFORE marriage.

    LONG before. Don’t bring it into your marriage! Do you think God is happy about that? That you’re standing at the alter saying, “Forsaking all others” when two freaking days ago you were watching women have sex and two weeks from now (after settling and the honey moon) you’ll be doing it again? Trust me, He ain’t happy in fact, this WILL incur problems and judgment for your marriage. And you will be hurting your spouse without even trying because guess what? God sees you as “one”… So when things start happening and the marriage is going terribly, or other battles arise don’t sit there and “boo hoo” and “Lord Lord, why why”… NO! You are in secret sin that dishonors you, your wife/spouse, and hurts BOTH of you.

    Stop the bologna. Get some real facts about porn and porn addiction – from Fight the Real Drug or Shelley Lubben and knock this crap off!

    Do NOT marry someone if you are still addicted to porn and they don’t know about it. That is SOOO ridiculously unfair to them, and horrifying to discover/ find out if they believe that they are your one and only. You will just cause so much hurt.

    PS… this article says “wait for your spouse to forgive you…” LOL… Sure. Yeah, you do that. Also be prepared to be divorced. ^ Read my comment again if you’re not understanding why.

    • Kay Bruner

      Thanks, Lisa. I agree that marrying without disclosing, marrying without taking responsibility for your own recovery–those choices are a simple recipe for disaster.

  2. If you say, “Marriages weren’t designed so individual people could solve their individual problems. Marriages were designed so two people could help refine and love each other like Jesus helps and refines us,” than why do counselors across America split a couple up for counseling? He works on his problem while she works on her problem with his problem. Not logical! For 25 years I’ve done conjoint counseling with 1000s from across America with great success.

    • Kay Bruner

      Hi Harry,

      I’m a counselor and I do want couples to split up for sex addiction therapy. I often see women who’ve been to couples’ counseling. Their husband is “clean and sober” and the marriage is “saved.” However, the woman has had ZERO attention to her symptoms of trauma. And many, many women will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this.

      I think that women should be encouraged to do whatever they need to do for their own healing. If that means a counselor of their own where they can process their grief and pain, so be it.

      Peace to you, Kay

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