I Plan on Objectifying my Wife. You Can’t Stop Me!
I recently wrote a Covenant Eyes article “What Christian Culture Has Gotten Wrong About Sexual Purity.” In it, I wrote:
Satan’s definition of sex is that it’s all about body parts and it’s all about consuming another person to satisfy myself. It breaks my heart how the Christian subculture has blindly accepted this definition when God has something so much deeper and truer for us.
In the comment section, some of what I wrote was met with confusion, which I hope to help clear up here. One commenter wrote:
As far as I am concerned, I plan on objectifying my wife until death do us part. And nobody on this blog or any other is going to make me feel one speck of guilt about it.
While not very helpful for interactive dialogue, it shows the anger and confusion some husbands feel about this subject. A more helpful question was posed by another commenter:
What is the difference between lusting after my wife and desiring her sexually or being turned on by her? Are all three the same? If I wasn’t turned on by her body, why would we have sex? What would cause me to become aroused and pursue sex with her?
These comments show the need to differentiate between objectification and attraction. Before I jump into that, I thought a comment from a wife on the same thread was incredibly helpful:
No woman, including your wife, is here on this earth to be an object to you. Many women tell me that their husbands use them for sex, and they know it. Their husbands aren’t emotionally invested in the relationship, don’t really care if their wife is interested in sex or not, apply pressure for sex, etc. This is using a woman for lust or objectification, rather than desiring her as a person.
The Difference Between Lust and Attraction
There are really three terms at play here: lust, objectification, and attraction. The Greek word used for “lust” in Matthew 5:28–”But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”–means to desire. It’s translated elsewhere in the New Testament as longing, desire, covet, and want in any number of contexts including desiring food, death, and the Kingdom of God itself. Jesus is saying that lust is when a man looks at a woman who is not his wife with the desire to be with her sexually.
Lust and attraction are two different things. Attraction is when you think someone is pretty. It does not mean you are picturing them sexually or seeing yourself being in a sexual situation with them. A lot of Christians beat themselves up because they think a man or woman is attractive, even though they are not desiring to have sex with them or thinking about them in a sexually explicit way.
Related: How to Explain Lust to Your Children
You can be sexually attracted to someone without lusting over them. You lust when you take your natural sexual attraction to the next level of consciously entertaining and holding onto that thought. Savoring it or playing it over and over again in your mind. Picturing yourself with that person sexually. This is different than noticing someone as being attractive.
Where Does Objectification Fit In
Now, objectification. Objectification is when we take a human being and treat them like they are an object. This can happen in a workplace when a boss or owner doesn’t treat his or her employees with respect as dignified human beings. If the employees are a means to an end and are treated as such, they are no longer being treated as humans.
Slavery is the utmost example of objectification, but anyone with a boss who only cared about what they produced has also been objectified.
Objectification can happen in sports when we only care about the score or statistics and shout demeaning insults at players when they mess up. Coaches can objectify their players, just as military officers can objectify the privates at the bottom of the chain of command.
The point is: nobody likes to be treated as subhuman and we all know it is wrong when it is happening to us.
Related: License to Lust–How Porn Trains Objectification
How Objectification and Lust Relate
Lust and objectification are related but aren’t identical. Objectification is a mindset that is always present when lust is present, but objectification can also be present within a marriage, while lust cannot be.
Objectification is when we turn a person into a collection of body parts, which are objects. Forgive me for the gross example, but if you removed your hand and set it next to you on your desk, that hand would be an object. It is not you.
People are not collections of body parts, they are people.
Think of it like a six-string guitar. For a guitar to create the music it was made for, it must have all six strings attached and working. If you took off five of the strings and only had one remaining, you can strum that one string over and over again, but you wouldn’t be playing the guitar. You’d be creating noise, but not music. This is what our culture has done with sex.
Imagine each string of the guitar represents one of the essential ingredients of a God-designed marriage. There are several categories we could use here, but let’s name our strings Trust, Commitment, Loyalty, Sex, Respect, and Humility. When you play all six strings, you get the sound of love, God-designed love, which is only found in marriage.
What our culture has done is removed the five strings of Trust, Commitment, Loyalty, Respect, and Humility and claims that love can be “made” with the playing of only one string, Sex.
Can a Husband Objectify His Wife?
So while a husband can’t technically lust over his wife, he certainly can objectify her. He objectifies her when he sees his marriage as a one-string marriage. When he thinks his wife’s purpose for existing is to have sex with him. He has made her subhuman and an object for him to consume, use, and then discard until the next use is needed.
This guitar metaphor is also quick to show that the Sex string is just as important in a marriage as anything else is. This is not a divisive either/or fight. You can’t make God-designed music on the guitar with only five strings either. Song of Solomon or Proverbs 5:18-19 all testify to this. It’s good and God-honoring for a man to be sexually attracted to his wife, and for a wife to be sexually attracted to her husband. But that desire is in the context of a six-stringed, one flesh marriage. When two have become one in every area, not just in one (sex).
So husbands, yes, you can enjoy your wife, including her body parts, so long as you remember you married your wife, not her body parts. Can you imagine the vows in that marriage ceremony!? I trust that no husband made marriage vows only to his wife’s body parts, therefore no wife should be seen as just body parts.
Do you love your wife because she’s the one you get to have sex with, or do you love having sex with her because you love your wife? A simpler and blunter way to ask this is: Which do you love more, sex or your wife?
God designed you to be attracted to a woman, a her, not to body parts, a that.
I am noticing that women get far more latitude on this blog to complain about their husbands even to the point of Kay recommending that Maria possibly leave her husband, which is irresponsible and reckless given that we know nothing about the circumstances. Another broken home in the works. Thanks, Kay.
I have made many comments that directly address the topic up for discussion and had them moderated out of existence. I think the moderation rules need to be clarified so I can better ascertain why some people get to complain about their spouses even when it has nothing to do with the topic while others who simply disagree with what the author is saying are censored. If this were a site devoted to women’s issue alone I could understand. But it’s not.
You’re very welcome! Every person gets to choose the healthy boundaries that are right for them. Women in particular need to understand that they are not required to be the victims of their husband’s ongoing and unrepentant sin. If homes are broken because of porn use, I’m sorry for it, but the remedy for that is not for women to be the ongoing victims of that choice. The remedy is for the men using the porn to take responsibility for themselves and get into recovery.
Everyone DOES NOT get to choose what boundaries are for them. The Bible is what decides the terms and conditions of marital sexuality and the covenant of marriage is an establishment of God in heaven, not something that is at the mercy of the emotional whims of the spouses. Your advice sounds like secular feminist psychology, with all of the anti-male bitterness that it entails.
Pornography is seen as adultery by almost every conservative Christian I know of.
Adultery violates the terms of the covenant of marriage, and is the standard upon which Jesus said marriages could be dissolved.
Therefore, every woman who endures this violation in her marriage is, by conservative Christian biblical principles, free to go.
I guess I’m just not seeing this sin of objectification in the Bible. Please point me to the relevant verses that make a distinction between a husband who sexually desires his wife in a way that is moral and a husband who sexually desires his wife in a way that is immoral. I know there is the Catholic doctrine of concupiscence which is a sort of pre-lust mental state that is not itself immoral but can lead to immorality. But in this case, you are talking about a husband’s psychological disposition for his wife, which if it is driven by sexual passion is supposed to be a good thing, or so I thought.
Augustine was a big influence in the church’s confusion about the moral dimensions of marital sex. Augustine was deeply conflicted about it and tended to see sinfulness in marital sex if the man approached his wife with too much passion. St. Jerome even counseled that married people should have sex only for procreation and not for pleasure.
I know you haven’t gone to that extreme anti-sex position. But I still feel like you are doing the opposite of what the Catholics have done with concupiscence. They are trying to carve out a tiny space of morality within a larger context of immoral sexual expression. You are trying to carve out a tiny space of immorality within the larger context of moral sexual expression.
If I approach my wife for sex and am turned on by the lingerie she is wearing because it is very low cut and shows off her breasts, is that objectification. I am certainly focusing on her body. And my sexual response is triggered by her appearance.
Some men have fetishes as well. I’ve heard of shoe fetishes, panty hose fetishes, role playing fantasies, and whole host of unusual things that are sexualizes and some married couples indulge these fetishes as part of their regular sexual diet. Are you suggested such things are a form of objectification and, therefore, Satanic in origin?
I think you opened a can of worms here and you are not prepared to fully explain the implications of what you are saying. That’s the problem with using the word “objectification.” It is a word that describes the inner mental state of a man (or woman) with respect to their spouse. Often this term is used as a cudgel to attack masculine sexuality in a macro sense (“toxic masculinity”). Ways that wives objectify are more subtle and often in areas that are not sexual. But the common thread is that there is a lack of love.
My sexual passion for my wife is connect to love and it is also connected to my appreciation of what she looks like. If you want to explore this topic more, I would suggest you discuss in terms of loving and unloving actions, not trying to create brand new sins heretofore not mentioned in the Bible. That’s the definition of legalism.
I know it’s been a long time since you made this comment. For an emotionally and sexually healthy person, understanding objectification is seeing the person as a person, not as something you are entitled to consume sexually. If your spouse, male or female, is struggling to enjoy or have the energy for sex, then talk. Sometimes, it’s a health issue, sometimes it’s a deep emotional issue from trauma, and sometimes it is a relational issue that needs to be addressed. Most of the time, all of these reasons need some kind of professional support from a doctor or therapist. Having been in the circles that work with those recovering from the misuse of sex, there are far too many times where the male has some form of sexual addiction and the female is responding to the trauma that causes her. This happens whether the sexual addiction has been disclosed or not. Unfortunately, this is more common than most people understand.
I am heartbroken
Im not married in the conventional form
Its more like a common law union
But over the last five years, many things about him have come to the surface.
It was difficult but I managed to keep moving.
But the one thing that hursts is his lustful attitude towards sex.
He wants me to dress in certain things that I am not comfortable with.
He isn’t emotionally invested but gets really upset if I hold out on intimate aspect of the relationship.
I do it because I don’t feel loved.
His arguments with me sound like tantrums at times and my patience is wearing thin.
I feel trapped and un loved but trying to hold on because of my faith.
I don’t want to stay though and I’m finding myself daydreaming about leaving.
Please help me
Say something that I can hold on to
Hi Maria,
Your faith does not require you to be mistreated in any way, ever. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that might help you consider what is healthy for you, including leaving the relationship if your partner cannot treat you with respect. Your relationships should always reflect the reality that you bear the divine image of God and are precious to God.
Peace,
Kay
Hey Kay, does my faith require me to be mistreated?
Oh, that’s right. It does, because I am the husband and I am called to sacrificially love my wife and if she mistreats me then I have to just suffer and store up treasure in heaven. God will judge her in the after life, but in this life I just have to grin and bear it.
But if I choose to do the ungodly thing and leave my wife because of how mistreated I am, then I will deserve the wrath of the family courts that will take away my children and more than half my income. And the church will blame me as being selfish and no one will come to my defense with three different links on articles that will help me set healthy boundaries.
Faith does not require anyone to be mistreated. Divorce certainly has its own difficulties. You can find a therapist to help resolve marital issues, of course.
Kay,
Your view here that “Faith never requires being mistreated” is quite simply unbiblical and has lead to the destruction of a great many marriages over the years. I would encourage you to read the NT and show me one verse that backs up the above quoted statement.
On the contrary, if you read passages like 2Co 12:15 “And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved.” Paul’s premise is that he gives his life for people and is constantly mistreated and yet he will continue to do so because that is what his faith has called him to do.
In 11 Cor 11:16-32, Paul talks of the immense suffering he has gone through and how he will continue to walk the path.
Or there is Jesus Himself, Mat 5:39 “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.“
Or Peter, 1Pe 2:20 “For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and ‘suffer’ for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God.”
1Pe 3:14 “But and if ye suffer for righteousness’ sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;”
1Pe 3:17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for doing well.”
1Pe 3:18 For Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh.”
In this last passage Peter reminds us that Jesus voluntarily suffered, even to the giving of His own life for those who tortured Him.
Even the very definition of Love from I Cor 13 is antithetical to your statement that “Faith never requires you to be mistreated.”
Love “suffers all things… bears all things… endures all things.”
This is a basic tenant of the Christian faith. Unfortunately, the humanistic thoughts that you espouse have crept into Christianity and told us that we should never have to suffer or be mistreated and if we ever are then we should just leave. No wonder the divorce rate in the church is so high.
Do I believe that men should objectify women? Of course not! Do I believe that a woman should separate from men that physically abuse them? Absolutely! Do I believe that women should withhold sex to control their husbands? No…
But when it comes down to it, our faith calls all of us to suffer at times at the hands of others in order to show the Love of Christ. Faith is not about “me” but about “Christ.” Rom 8, “The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God… if so be that we ‘suffer’ with him, that we may be also glorified together.”
Please do not confuse secular humanistic counsel with Biblical counsel. Some of the things you said were good but statements such as the one I referred to above are not even remotely Biblical let alone Christian, and will continue to lead to many more unnecessary divorces because people are taught “I should not ever have to suffer.” When in fact love itself calls us to suffer through issues not just leave when things get tough.
Believe me, as a counselor myself, I deal with this all the time and I have to spend an inordinate amount of time working with Christians to remove the humanistic, “God never, ever wants me to suffer” teachings out of there heads.
So, if that’s how you counsel people, then so be it, but please don’t call it Biblical or Christian and tack the word “faith” on it, as statements like the aforementioned come from none of the above mentioned places but only modern secular humanism.
As a couple waging war on lust in our marriage my wife and myself would like to point out for the sake of suffering wives and frustrated husband’s. You stated that attraction is when you find someone pretty but then went on to say that lust is taking your ‘natural’ sexual attraction to the next level. Sexual attraction and attraction are two very different things and it’s dangerous to blur the lines between them. If you use the word ‘natural’ in relation to attraction towards ANYONE other than your spouse you have moved into the realm of ENTITLEMENT. (If your entitled lust is sure to follow). Your ‘natural sexual attraction’ is meant for no one other than your spouse. It is NOT ok to find anyone else other than your spouse
SEXUALLY attractive. If you say they’re nice looking as reflection of God’s image but it doesn’t stir up anything in you that’s sexual then that’s fine but if you feel sexual towards anyone other than your spouse please DENY your flesh. Refer to God’s word on these things, let Him speak to your heart as no person is right in what they say 100% of the time, ourselves included but God is! We are not called to live in the flesh or the natural but to be set apart as children as the most high God. The free ebook by Luke Gilkerson has been a fantastic resource for our marriage. We urge anyone married or not to read and re-read – Your Brain On Porn.
2 Cor 6:17, Gal 5:16 – 23, 1 Peter 2:11,
Romans 8:5 – 14.
My husband and I rarely have sex. So I know he isnt objectifying me that way. But he sure is by making me feel like his maid and slave! I get zero respect and am expected to do everything while working a full time job. Fun times over here…
Julie, an experienced marriage counselor may be able to help you, but I’ll try to help a little here. Understand that marriage is a dance and as long as both partners keep doing the same things, the dance doesn’t change. But if one partner changes their steps, the other has to respond. You can’t make him change his steps, so maybe changing yours will help.
You say that you rarely have sex. You don’t say why, but he may be feeling just as disrespected and ignored as you do. Instead of complaining that you have so much to do, sit him down and say something like, “Honey, I feel like we’ve been neglecting an important part of our marriage together and I’d like to try to fix it. How about we make time for sex every night for the next week?” If some chores go undone because that’s the only way to make time, then maybe he’ll see that. If you wait until after you’ve done what needs to be done, he may sense that you are tired and be motivated to help. But maybe not. Marriage is work, and sometimes it is hard work. Starting by making him feel important and noticed may lead to him noticing you and caring about you more. Without sitting the two of you down individually and as a couple, it is hard to say.
That said, have you thought about what part you may have played in his not helping out with the housework? A lot of women want someone to help, but then they are critical or do the job over because it wasn’t done “the right way.” If he helps, gladly accept it and provided there aren’t serious safety concerns, let his efforts be enough.
A book that may help you is, “How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. It’s one of the best books out there on how we dance in marriage and how to change it up.
I want to be clear that I am not putting all the blame for this issue on you. But changing someone else is impossible, so we have to start with what we can change. I pray God blesses your marriage and puts back together what the pressures of life are pulling apart.
This is great insight in a true marriage.
I love your analogy of the guitar strings and playing the sound of God-designed love. That’s a beautiful picture using trust, loyalty etc. I am enjoying your resources. Thank you.
I have a few comments on attraction and objectification.
Attraction: it can happen on so many levels beyond sexual. Here’s a post that helped me identify and name several levels of attraction in myself: https://www.meditationsofatravelingnun.com/learning-about-non-sexual-attraction-from-an-asexual-expert/
Objectification: One phrase I keep coming back to is: “It is impossible to simultaneously objectify and respect a woman.” This is equally true when applied to racism, class-ism, or nationalism instead of women. Actually, you may have summed it up when you spoke of the dehumanizing aspect of objectification.
(now if only we could be notified of new comments)
Wouldn’t that apply in reverse? In other words, if I respect a woman enough to stay a virgin before marriage, marry her, provide for her, give her a good home, help raise our children, attend to her needs, and love her in the ways a wife needs her husband to love her, then it is simply not possible for me to objectify her. I have demonstrated that I am seeing her as a whole person. Then when it comes time to have sex with her and I am observing and appreciating all of her body parts, I cannot be accused of objectifying her. I have proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that I see her as a whole person.
Or is objectification something that is possible to accidentally commit in the deepest recesses of my psyche even while checking all the boxes of treating my wife like a whole person?
This post is very applicable to me. I have had a long history of porn use, starting around age six. Now, I tend to see all women in a hyper-sexualized way… so, I struggle constantly with lust & objectification of women.
This has adversely affected my marriage and relationships with other women. I can easily find myself lusting after female associates (it takes prayerful effort not to). And, I find myself almost having to objectify my wife in order to become aroused enough to have sex with her (one adverse effect of my porn use is a tendency to find other women more attractive than my own wife).
I’m on Day 4 of the Porn Free 40-Day Challenge (my second time; I completed it once before, a couple years ago). I’m praying that I can begin to really cultivate different patterns of thinking during this 40 days. I definitely want to be a better man in regards to how I view women (especially my wife). I’m more prayerful during this challenge, and I’m focused on creating new habits for my life.
Anyway, your article was perfect timing for me, and it was a real boost to my motivation… thanks!
In this day and age, men’s rights are in the toilet. Women can drain him for every last drop and never satisfy him. If he doesn’t like it, she’ll divorce him and take everything. I see it a thousand times. Women need affection and attention and a man’s time is important. It’s not fair to ask men to pay all the attention to his wife and not give him what he desires… Sex! All men want sex. I’m not talking about strapping her down to the bed and pouring hot wax all over her. I’m talking sex where she’s into it. If I can give my wife my time and attention to satisfy her needs, she should do her best to satisfy my needs.
Your response here is pure objectification, unfortunately. You see your wife as some sort of object to satisfy you.
Relationships are not transactions. You don’t pay for sex with attention.
You attend to one another so that you can have a relationship, not so that you can have sex.
In a marriage, sex should be an expression of the emotional intimacy of the relationship, not something that a man can demand because he’s paid a certain amount of attention so now he deserves sex.
@Wes: wow; hint to you: with that attitude you can tell yourself all you want that you are satisfying your wife, but I guarantee you that is not even close to being accurate. You sound like a “she deserved it for (dressing that way/being in the wrong plac/leading him on) type and you need help….. also I’m your case, she earned every penny if she “bled you dry”.
Micheal something I found helpful for me and fighting off porn. I read a post stating that half or the majority of women in porn could be involved in sex trafficking and being forced to participate and pretend to like it or else in all reality the whole scene is a humiliating cry for help. This is a truth I never wanted to see I always assumed they were willingly doing it even the famous stars are probably forced as well no matter who you are there can always be someone else pulling the strings behind the scene. I know when I think of porn their is still a struggle but this opened my eyes that I could be pleasing myself to a human being being raped and humiliated. I know your post is from last year but hope you are staying strong brother you got this!!!
Regarding Mt 5.27-30. I have a slightly different interpretation on what Jesus was speaking about.
Three words in this passage need to be explained in order to make good sense of what Jesus is saying here. These words are: ‘Woman’, ‘Adultery’ and ‘Lust’.
‘Woman’. The Greek word is γυνή gunē; a prim. word; a woman:—bride(1), wife(71), wife’s(1), wives(11), woman(96), woman’s(1), women(33). As you can see the same word is used for both ‘woman’ and ‘wife’.
‘Adultery’. Adultery is an offense committed against one marriage-covenant partner, generally the husband. It happens when another man has sex with the husbands wife. Thereby making use of her in a way in which only the woman’s covenant partner (her husband) has the conjugal right to exercise.
For this reason I’m inclined to think Jesus does not have looking with desire / lustful intent at any and every woman in mind. Rather, only the wives of other men. Thats why he calls it adultery. I think the the translators of the Greek γυνή (gunē) have wrongly used the English ‘woman’ over ‘wife’ in the passage, despite the immediate context referring repeatedly to adultery (associated with married people).
‘Lust’. The Greek word is ἐπιθυμέω epithumeō; desire, lust after:—covet(2), coveted(1), craved(1), desire(1), desired(2), desires(1), gladly(1), long(3), longing(1), lust(2), sets its desire(1). I think the idea expressed here goes beyond simple appreciation of beauty and attraction. Rather a strong desire to have that person for oneself. i.e. Coveting another person’s property.
I suppose Jesus is not saying its wrong to appreciate a woman’s beauty. If that were the case men wouldn’t be allowed to find their own wives attractive and desire them. Likewise I’d argue this is also part of the process in pursuing women in dating and courtship while seeking to be married.
But if the woman belongs to another man it’s quite different and sinfully dangerous. Strongly desiring and coveting another man’s wife is adultery. Jesus’ command goes beyond the very act of taking another man’s wife for oneself. Taking for yourself what the woman’s husband alone has rights to. He extends it to our thoughts as well. If we desire or even fantasize about having another man’s wife for ourselves, that is sin.
I agree with what you are saying in this. But I think you are implying when you say Jesus meant lust as looking at another man’s wife with a desire to be with her sexually means that it is almost okay to look at another woman who is single in the same manner.
Reading your comment that is the message that I am getting from it. Coming from a single young man, I know it is a sin to watch porn, have sex with a woman besides my wife, or look at a woman and imagine myself with her sexually. I know this is a sin because it is out of the context of marriage. Even if I am single and look at another single woman lustfully, she is not my wife nor am I her husband. I have committed adultery against my future wife by looking at another woman lustfully.
You don’t have to be married to commit adultery in your heart. Jesus may have been speaking to married men in this context of Matthew, however, should we not apply it to men who are not married?
I must say, respectfully, that while your analysis seems sound for the most part it does LOUDLY SHOUT (in my perception anyway) that a man, married or not, only sins if he lusts after a married woman but not an unmarried woman- whether he himself is married or not. If you did mean single women are “fair game” nmw, I find it impossible to accept that God was a hypocrite doling out permission to disrespect 2 women at the same instant just because you want to. That is pretty much the foundation of the excuse for glorifying porn: thinking the actors must be ok with it or they wouldn’t do it & thinking your wife won’t be dishonored because you aren’t physically participating.
So you think that only the man has rights? Desiring a single woman doesn’t violate your own wife’s right? And isn’t appreciating a woman’s body included in those conjugal rights you are talking about? I mean, you are her husband and you are giving what belongs to her, to someone else (your desire and “appreciation”)
I think you are dead wrong. As a married person Lusting or objectifying is wrong whether or not you are looking at married people or single ones.
And as a single man too lusting and objectifying is harmful to ANYONE. Research the facts.
And what about your future wife?