If you’ve discovered your boyfriend watches porn, you’re not alone. I got a letter from a young woman asking about how to deal with her boyfriend’s porn habit while dating. She gave me permission to share what she writes.
“My boyfriend has been using porn since adolescence. During college he began to seek help by attending Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and being very involved with accountability and mentoring through that organization.
We are both Christians in our mid-20s, and he has read many other books over the years and prayed so much. He was open with me about his struggle before we started dating, and explained that he was getting help, but purity would probably always be a struggle in his life.
We are considering a serious relationship now, but my question is this—I know he’s serious about gaining victory in the area of sexual purity, and I know it’s going to be difficult, but what should I look for before considering a more serious relationship with him? Complete victory (i.e. not viewing porn and not masturbating) for a specific length of time? Improvement but not complete victory? I believe in God’s power to transform his life, and he does too, but this is still scary.
Most material I find is aimed at wives, and thus encourages them to stay and fight for the marriage, but there seems to be very little material for people considering marriage. What healthy expectations should I have?”
First of all, I love that this young couple has already done a bunch of things right:
- He initiated the conversation about his struggle with pornography habit.
- He got help.
- He continued to be honest about his ongoing struggles.
- She listened.
- She educated herself.
- She’s thinking hard about her boundaries before she takes another step down the road to commitment.
That’s pretty impressive, in light of the harsh realities in today’s dating world. Let’s look at some common realities if your boyfriend watches porn, as well as some excellent questions and principles for any porn-impacted relationship.
7 Harsh Realities About Your Boyfriend and Porn
Again, these are harsh realities, but the best time to hear them is now while you’re dating–before you’ve made a more serious commitment.
1. Almost every young man has had significant porn exposure.
Christian or not—most guys have been significantly exposed to pornography. Therefore, many men you date are dealing with this on some level. Realistically, you can either date a person who’s honest and tells you about his experience with porn, or you can date a person who’s pretending. Or you’ll find someone in the 1.5% of guys who have apparently been living under a rock.
2. You can’t guarantee honesty.
You can promote honesty in the relationship by educating yourself and being open to the truth. You can’t guarantee honesty, though. You have to weigh the words you hear with the behaviors you see.
If you’re not comfortable with what you’re hearing, if you don’t understand what you’re seeing, then let yourself understand that this is a problem. Don’t proceed in the relationship until you feel comfortable and you have a good understanding of what’s going on.
3. You’ll likely need to start the conversation about porn.
Not only will you likely need to get the ball rolling, but you will also need to keep having tough conversations as the relationship continues. Women have to be strong and courageous. We can’t wait around for someone else to do the right thing. If we know the right thing, we have to take action, even though that can be scary and hard. (See my suggestions below.)
4. “Instant victory” rarely happens.
It’s a nice thing to hope for, and maybe sometimes it happens. Most of the time, though, I think you have to support your partner through a series of ups and downs as he learns to manage his issues.
How much of that you want to do while dating is difficult and serious. Individual questions need to be honestly addressed and not glossed over.
The truth is, he may not be ready to do the work, and you can’t do it for him. On the other hand, he may be working really hard and still struggling. Be real about what’s going on. Work to understand.
5. Marriage and sex won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you get married and have lots of sex. It’s not about you.
6. A different version of you won’t fix his porn problem.
He won’t suddenly stop looking at porn if you are skinny enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, funny enough, forgiving enough, or overlooking enough. It’s not about you.
7. Victory from porn is possible!
Porn can stop having a huge hold on his life, but it requires that he does the practical work of prevention and becomes more honest, open, vulnerable, and emotionally intimate with the important people in his life: God, friends, mentors, family, and you—if you decide to stick around.
A Few Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend About His Porn Use
Because most guys have had porn exposure, it’s a topic you really should discuss before making any high-commitment decisions. You want to know at what age they were exposed, how frequently, and what their current use is like. You’re not looking for intimate details, just the outline of the issue. Here are some questions and conversation prompts you can use:
- “Pornography use is a real issue for lots of people these days. I’ve been reading some about it, and I’d like to hear about your experience with it.”
- If the person tells you they don’t use porn and have never had a problem with it, here’s a follow-up question: “I’d love to hear how you’ve managed something that most other people find really difficult to deal with?”
- To check if they have a prevention plan, you could ask: “How do you protect yourself on a regular basis from everything that’s out there on the internet?”
- To see if they’re accountable and emotionally connected: “Who do you talk to about this? Who supports you?” “How do you think God feels about you?”
- To see what their expectations are of you: “What do you think my part should be with you in this issue?”
5 Healthy Habits for a Porn-Impacted Relationship
That brings us to two questions: What should I look for? What healthy expectations should I have?
Here are some healthy habits for any couple impacted by porn – dating, engaged, or married.
1. Take responsibility for your own issues.
You should each be able to identify and take responsibility for your own issues. He has a habit, and you have emotions about that. While he does his work, you do yours as well.
2. Understand porn’s effects on the other.
You should understand how pornography affects the other person in the relationship and have emotional empathy for your partner’s struggle. He should understand your pain, and that it takes time to work through those emotions. At the same time, it’s important for you to see him as a person with deep needs, not just a jerk who’s trying to make you miserable.
- Learn about porn’s impact on the brain.
- Learn about why porn is so addictive.
3. Have a prevention plan and a relapse plan.
The person with the porn habit has a plan for prevention and a plan for recovery after a relapse.
He’s consistently and voluntarily doing whatever he can, in terms of practical prevention: internet blocking, filtering, and regular accountability. These things should be an ordinary part of everyday life.
- Learn more about what it really takes to quit porn.
- Learn about creating a porn relapse plan.
4. Invite others into this part of your relationship.
Make sure there are people in your life who are aware of what you’re working on, and who are able to talk with you, give feedback, and offer support. This goes for both parties.
We need to bring our mess to God and to our community of faith rather than trying to hide it or pretend it away. We trust that He is with us and that our community is with us, on the journey.
5. Grow in your ability to talk about these issues.
You are growing in the ability to have normal, non-crisis conversations about how you are doing with your issues, and how the relationship is impacted.
One Absolute Guarantee
Here’s the thing: I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what choices he’s going to make. I don’t know if you’re going to get the happily ever after that you want.
There is only one thing I know, for sure—one absolute guarantee—God loves you with an everlasting love, and whatever happens, you are safe in that love.
Knowing that, be wise, be strong, be courageous. Live in truth and freedom.
Frequent Questions if Your Boyfriend Watches Porn
Note from the editor: Since Kay’s post was first published, we’ve heard many more questions about a boyfriend’s porn use. Let’s look at a few of the most frequent questions we see.
1. Should I be upset my boyfriend watches porn?
It’s understandable if you’re upset by your boyfriend’s porn use. Finding out he watches porn may bring feelings of betrayal, personal insecurity, uncertainty about the future of your relationship, and more.
Here are a few helpful things to remember: most guys were first exposed to porn at a young age when their brains were more susceptible to porn’s addictive nature. His porn use is not about you. It likely started way before he knew you, and likely won’t stop because of anything you do or don’t do.
This doesn’t make his porn use right or even mean you need to stick it out while he recovers (if he decides to). Remembering those few things will help you have more understanding and empathy as you discuss how his porn use impacts the relationship going forward.
2. Is my boyfriend addicted to porn?
Wondering how to tell whether your boyfriend’s porn use falls into the addiction category? We go into depth elsewhere on the symptoms of porn addiction, but here they are at a glance:
- He uses porn to ease or avoid deep emotional pain.
- He has developed a tolerance that’s led to more deviant forms of porn.
- He gets angry or irritable when he can’t watch porn.
- He’ll do things he normally wouldn’t in order to watch porn.
- He’s consumed by an urge to watch porn.
- He feels helpless to quit or has tried multiple times without success.
It may be hard for you to identify these in your boyfriend, depending on your relationship. And ultimately, whether or not you call it an addiction doesn’t matter so much. If he’s watching porn consistently, at some point, it will have a negative impact on your relationship.
3. Is it normal for my boyfriend to be addicted?
There are two underlying questions here. First, is it common for my boyfriend to be addicted to porn? Again, based on the prevalence of porn exposure among guys, yes, it’s common for guys to be addicted to porn. The second underlying question here, though, is: Should I be okay with my boyfriend’s porn addiction? To this question, we’d say “no.” Porn is harmful, and it tends to negatively impact relationships where it’s present.
4. Why does my boyfriend watch porn?
We’ve written in-depth elsewhere about why people watch porn, but in short:
- It feels good.
- It seems harmless.
- Previous exposure to porn.
- Few real relationships.
- It’s used to cope with boredom, anxiety, or depression.
- It’s addictive.
- It makes plenty of false promises about important life issues.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we are thinking about getting married. He has had a problem with porn from the age of about 7 and it’s been engrained within him eversince. He has tried to stop many times (it appears) and recently told me he hasn’t been watching it when I check up on him. But I found out (God is the best revealer of things, I tell you) through a Godincidence that he has been watching it, even at work. I’m deeply hurt and troubled not only by the fact that he’s been watching it and (in my eyes) defiling our relationship (we have been celibate, he initiated the decision and I totally agreed, to keep the relationship honourable in the eyes of The Lord) but also that he lied about it. I’m so troubled tonight by it that I can’t and haven’t slept and I don’t know what to do anymore. I wan’t to stay but I’m not sure if I’m able to do so any more, it’s starting to feel like I hurt more than I’m loved and it’s caused a massive strain in our relationship. Any support would be appreciated.
Hi there. Well, it sounds like you’re being really wise in this relationship–and we’re all grateful for those Godincidences that open our eyes to what we need to know! I’m so sorry that your boyfriend has this struggle. So many, many kids have been exposed at such early ages. It’s just an epidemic. I do think we have this terrible combination of porn exposure plus enormous shame around sexuality in the religous world, and that leads to the lying and hiding, which just makes everything more difficult and painful.
I would say that this is an issue he absolutely must address responsibly himself. I think he probably needs to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who can help him unravel this long-standing problem in a healthy way.
My own personal view is that exposure to porn at that early age is a form of sexual abuse, and that definitely requires therapy to heal.
Meanwhile, I would recommend that you find support for yourself. The lack of sleep you mention here indicates a high level of anxiety to me; you might want to talk to a counselor to help process your emotions and consider healthy boundaries. There’s also a great new website called Bloom that provides discussion groups, classes, and other support for women. There is a monthly fee but there’s a 2 week free trial so you can check it out before you commit financially.
Peace, Kay
I hardly ever comment on anything online but i am having hard times. My boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months and we have opened up about our past. He told me he used to watch porn off and on and he said he stopped because he felt horrible doing so. I know that is his past and there nothing i can do about it. But i am worried because at moments i can’t stop thinking about that. It makes me wonder, how do i move past this? it might sound dramatic. But i love him and i know that the Bible says to be patient and loving and forgiving..but i have nothing to forgive him since this did not occur with me but before me. Yet i can’t help but feel disappointed, Can anybody please give me tips or pray for us.
Hey Ena.
Well, I think it’s important that he have a good support system, first of all. I didn’t hear you mention that–he said he quit because he felt horrible. That’s fine! But it’s really a good idea for him to have his own system of accountability, and to be using it successfully so that this doesn’t BECOME your problem as the relationship continues. You might want to ask him about his support system, what kind of accountability software does he use on devices, who does he talk to when he’s tempted or when he has an episode. Or, if he’s clean, who WOULD he talk to, just in case.
He absolutely MUST take responsibility for himself.
You be patient and loving and forgiving, yes. But he has to be TRUSTWORTHY. No matter what happened before your relationship, he has to be trustworthy now and in the future, and you have to know if that’s happening. Once you know he’s taking responsibility for himself, you’ll probably be able to worry less–or if he’s not taking responsibility, you’ll know that too and you can decide what you want to do about that!
I wrote a little ebook called Porn and Your Boyfriend that has questions and conversation starters so you can think things through and make good choices based in reality–if you wait til February 20-21, it will be free.
You are absolutely okay being disappointed and sad that it’s like this. Find a safe person who can help you process your feelings–a counselor if you need one.
Blessings, Kay
Melissa, you seem to be pretty tenacious in your own self righteousness. The Christ you claim to serve said “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” The Pharisees also looked down at others. “I thank you God that I am not like that tax collector there”. If YOU claim Christ, I encourage you to follow what He teaches too.
My heart goes out to this girl because I was in a similar situation; I married a former addict.
My husband told me about his former addiction very early in our dating relationship. I decided to continue dating him because he had completely left the porn behind. I could see that he loved the Lord, was growing in Him, had set up accountability partners and was extremely careful about avoiding images that could be a source of temptation. I could see that he had been set free. If he had still be viewing porn I would not have continued the relationship because that would have been evidence that he was not walking with Christ. I may have asked him to have his accountability partner contact me regularly to let me know how things were going but I would not have dated him until I was 100% confident that he had truly been set free.
Is this an unrealistic expectation? Aren’t porn addicts just one slip away from a relapse? Don’t believe what the world says: once an addict, always an addict. John 8:36 reads “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” Freedom in Christ is complete. Yes, my husband still deals with temptation, but has remained pure, by God’s grace. He often calls me when he is tempted and we pray together. Even though He has never gone back, as a wife I can tell you it is incredibly hard when he tells me that he is tempted.
But the key distinction between my situation and this girl who asked Kay Bruner the question is my husband was set free before we started dating. Pornography is so incredibly destructive that it must not be glossed over in any way in marriage. To any girl in this situation, I would say that if he is viewing porn and masturbating while dating you then I promise he will continue when married. He is not ready to be in a dating relationship until his porn viewing and masturbation have completely stopped. How long should you wait before you continue dating? Only when you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is set free. The previous commentor wrote “But you should also know that you CAN date an addict, and that it CAN be a healthy relationship, you just get to deal with some junk.” The answer is not to find someone who has never viewed porn or deal with the “junk” of your addict husband but to find a man who puts Christ first in his life. If he is serving the idol of pornography and self gratification then he is putting himself first, and not Christ and in marriage he will not put you before himself either.
You care about this man; if you didn’t you would have already walked. For his own sake, for his own walk with the Lord he must deal with this sin fully and completely. You cannot fix this for him. You can support him as a friend but I encourage you not to date until he is in a postiton to marry (so absolutley NO porn and NO masturbating, or any other sexual sin). For your own sake and for your future children, expect your future husband to be a godly man who will love you as Christ loved the church. It is possible, even from a former porn addict. I know it’s possible, because I am the incredibly blessed wife of such a man.
Hi Anne I read your comment and I agree most of the explanation you have share and encouraged. Im a Christian woman who have been praying and asking for a husband for many years. I’m recently star a new relationship with a Christian who is involved as I do with the issue of Human trafficking. The reason today I’m researching about dating a boyfriend with a pornography issue is due that yesterday I caught him getting out quick of a web in internet and quick going to a bible, pretending that he was reading the bible. I didn’t have much time to see what he was looking at but if I saw well I saw a prostitud women by draw, like cartoons. The problem was that as soon I walk into the room he quick got out of that web. I carefully confronted him toward his past, be admitted it that many years back he has a pornograpy problem but he claim him self today’s date clean. But yesterday night I leave with a unsettle heart, my spirit doesn’t witnesses truth. I love Christ and I believed in Grace as I also have my own struggles, who am I to judge? But the whole night I couldn’t sleep because I feel he is been not a hundred percent honey with me, there is something he is hiding, and since that was his past struggle it make me to think it can be struggle but maybe fears to share with me. What would be the approach I should apply with him? Any tools maybe you can share? As I know he fears of been honest. Thanks so much
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Hey there. Let me point you first of all to some resources you could share with your boyfriend. Here’s a link to our free download, Your Brain on Porn. And here’s an article that can help him think through what successful recovery would look like for him.
Secondly, here’s a short ebook I wrote just recently for dating women in your situation. It’s got questions you can ask, and tips on what healthy recovery means. There’s another article here on boundaries in dating.
Trust yourself. You know what you’ve seen. He must learn to take responsibility for himself to work on his problem. If he can’t do that, he is not in a healthy place for a relationship right now, sadly.
Blessings, Kay
Anne, thank you for sharing your story. My boyfriend and I recently had a discussion about this. A friend of mine jokingly asked what was wrong with him because he seemed “too perfect,” (my friend’s words, not mine), and he later mentioned to me three things, two of which are character traits of his that I am well aware of, and the third was that he used to struggle with self-control. This wasn’t something that fit with what I have experienced as his character, so I asked him about it, and it led to a discussion about where it began. He said that he used to struggle with porn as many teenage guys do, but that it was before I was a part of his life (we met four years ago when he was 16 and have been close friends ever since, but only started dating last year). He said he had been worried about what I would think, but had been wanting to tell me. He just didn’t know how to bring it up, so when my friend made the comment, he said he had never felt more prompted to say something. I know that is a sign that he is being honest, but it still has rattled me. I asked how God worked through it, and he answered saying that it was through conviction, constant prayer, and seeing God’s faithfulness in his life that helped him to overcome it. I want to believe that this is true, and though the nature of the struggle means the temptation will likely never go away, that it is something that he has been set free from. I have noticed (though I originally thought it was because he was just more conservative than I) that he is the one to first reach for the remote to fast-forward through any sort of romantic or sexual scene on tv or in movies, and he is one of the most respectful men I know in how he treats women. However, I don’t know if he has shared this with anyone else or if he has accountability/support for this… should that worry me? Also, a part of me is heartbroken for him and for me, and yet, I don’t feel like I should be, as I don’t want to make his struggle about me. I know he says that it is in the past, and as I said before, him mentioning any sort of issue with self- control surprised me as it doesn’t fit with what I know of him (though he said the form it takes now is more of not being able to resist that piece of chocolate cake in the fridge), but I cannot help but be concerned. I am pretty certain that this is the man I want to marry someday and this is the first time that I have felt any sort of disquiet about him/us. I don’t know what to do. Any advice??
Melissa has a commendable hatred for this sin. It is probably right to categorize any addiction (in this case sex addiction) as idolatry and it is to be hated, both by the offended and the addict. Unfortunately, addiction is often not only sin, but a neurological and psychological issue as well (that happens to result from sin). I’m afraid Melissa’s counsel is a little oversimplistic, especially because the counsel is a little blurry. What exactly does “you shouldn’t be with someone who has it as a part of his present at all” mean? What is present? Any former addict is always a present addict, what may vary is the length of sobriety and quality of that sobriety. For example if John was acting out with sex and porn daily in 2011 and by was a one a month guy by 2012, then got to the point when the last time he acted out was in January 2014 and hasn’t since then, he’s still an addict, he just has 7 months of sobriety. It would be the same if the given dates were 2001, 2002 and January 2004. He would still be an addict, he just has 10 years and 7 months of sobriety. The addict is always one slip away from relapse. He has to live one day at a time, and if you decide to be in a relationship with him, so will you. Yesterday’s sobriety is as useful today as yesterdays shower.
My counsel (albeit I’m a recovering addict) is to follow the advice of the above columnist, and look for signs of healthy progress, not just empty progress. Also, you will have to make a decision as to whether or not you want to bear the burden of relating with this guy. It’s hard, I can promise you that. He can’t promise sobriety. That’s tiresome. You can’t fix him, that’s frustrating. So is this the kind of guy you can handle dating? That’s the question you get to answer, not anyone else.
Side comment: “Or you’ll find someone in the 1.5% of guys who has apparently been living under a rock.”
To be fair, there ARE men who are have not really had a tough time with porn. Few in the US (I can’t speak for men in countries with less media resources) haven’t seen it, i’ll concede that. But it’s important to know that families that foster healthy communication, emotional and psychological development will produce men with less “struggle” with the porn they have seen. You can probably increase the odds of meeting more of that “1.5%” by looking under the rock, which in this case would be the Church. When you see a strong family that lives in community and openness in the church, when you see elders well respected for how they govern their families, there are often good sons that follow.
If you want to be married one day you don’t have to date an addict.You can look in the right places and for the right things (by living those out yourself too). But you should also know that you CAN date an addict, and that it CAN be a healthy relationship, you just get to deal with some junk.
I found this to be one of the last biased comments on this article, and I think it is very encouraging. However, if he has shared this and is still struggling, she’s gotta tell him is pornography or me. I used to be addicted to weed, but the way my girlfriend treated it was key. I knew that if I smoked weed evert again I would lose her. If you tell him that he has to choose between you and porn, chances are that if he really loves you, he will choose you. Going “cold turkey” might be difficult but if he loves you enough, he’ll do it.
I actually found the way you stated that he will always be a recovering addict to be a challenge. I have no doubt in my mind I can and will conquer it. But your boyfriend has to have no doubt too. Good will undoubtedly keep you two together if you walk together in faith with him, if he truly is the one.
Thank you for this comment from a man’s perspective. I wish my boyfriend had the ability to articulate all these kind of feelings with me, but I’m sure they are similar to what I have read from you. Another plug out there to all the girlfriends trying to understand whether or not to marry this guy, is that this really sucks, and I hate the whole situation so much, and that’s ok. I wonder sometimes if I can handle the pain…It’s so hard to try and make a decision about this, especially when I love my boyfriend so much. I know that somehow he really does love me. I don’t understand him, but God has helped me know and see the value in him. I know that just because this is his challenge, it is not his character. He can still be a really good person, and struggle with porn. My boyfriend has done everything I’ve asked him to do to try and “get clean”. We study conference talks from the prophets and read the scriptures every day that we are together, and sometimes over Skype too. I pray for his temptation to be taken (who knows if that can happen) and he prays for my broken heart to heal. And God has promised me no matter what I choose, that He is going to be there for me, and it will all be ok.
After writing this article, I got so many private messages from young women struggling with their boyfriends’ porn problems that I went ahead and wrote an ebook about it, called Porn and Your Boyfriend. That might help support you through this as well.
I’m wondering if you or your boyfriend have been involved in any kind of group work, or is it just the two of you? If you haven’t found groups for both of you, here are some places you can check into, both locally and online: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, SAA for him, S Anon for you, xxxChurch, Candeo. Those are just a few resources to check into. I especially want to encourage YOU to get support, as so often all the attention goes to the person with the problem, while the partner carries a lot of pain alone. I don’t want to see that happen to you!
Blessings, Kay
I would keep my eyes wide open. If you feel something isn’t right, or that there is something lacking in intimate conversations like just agreement statements and not anything from his own thoughts– beware. Does he have good friends that are helping him with this? If he is a loner, I would be very careful. Make sure that you have the support of close loved ones of yours for this relationship. Find at least 1 friend that can help you specifically with this issue in your relationship–not for gossip but for support. Finally, take it slow and ask God for very clear signs that this relationship is okay and that nothing is hidden in darkness. Save yourself lots of wounding by being wise.
The author has it right when she says you are on the right track to starting victory in this area. While I would not agree entirely with the author of the above comment – I would tell you that there is never true joy without victory over some struggle or another. Rest assured that you two will be SO much stronger after God has worked in him ( and in you, though primarily in him). Pray for him, love him, and expect BIG things of him. If he is the man you want, he can claim some sort of victory. Many men have. Complete victory sometimes comes in the form of a very expensive internet filter and a very tech savvy friend who holds you accountable. The urge might always be there for him – but both he and you can ensure that he doesn’t relapse in the future. Take all I say with a grain of salt, but know that victory in this area is attainable. God is on your side. I wish nothing but the best for both of you, and I will pray for both you and him.
– keep up the good fight.
If your boyfriend uses porn, you should end the relationship. If he’s struggling when he’s still trying to win you over, imagine how it will be once he knows he’s got you married to him. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t sold out completely to Christ. I’m not saying someone who had NEVER used porn in his past, but you shouldn’t be with someone who has it as a part of his present at all. Most pornography is violent and abusive and it is all disrespectful. He can say he loves you all he wants, but his actions say otherwise. He lacks basic respect for women and for humans in general. Many women are naive as to what actually takes place in the majority of porn. It is abusive and extreme. It’s not like a woman dancing around in a bikini or something. Believe me, if you’re dating and haven’t yet married him, it is not worth it. Don’t take on this burden. It will only drag you down. I have been there. The heartache is NOT WORTH IT. God finally gave me a man who cries his eyes out for what happens to women in pornography and who is involved in the fight against human trafficking. Hold out for God’s best and don’t settle for a mediocre life of heartache and playing babysitter to an adult man.
I can’t believe the judgmental attitude you have here when you don’t know the whole story. Just because he has this struggle doesn’t mean he’s incapable of one day gaining victory over it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect women and humans. Just me, it takes an awful lot of courage to come out to someone about this kind of a personal habit and to seek help for it. It sounds like he’s taking the necessary steps to gain victory over this habit and he’s doing it out of his love for God and his girlfriend.
Melissa, what are your struggles? Because it sounds to me and everyone reading your post that you don’t have any…
How very “Christian” (forgiving, tolerant, understanding, loving) of you to say that, and people wonder why attendance in churches are so low/! Obviously it’s not like the guy wants to have it and is trying to improve the situation, and people like you who are judgmental make it that much worse and more difficult to get help. Try seeing it from someone else’s point of view for a change.
Wow. There’s not much grace in your comment at all. I urge you to reconsider your concept of what constitutes a “sold out completely to Christ” person. Do you fit this bill?
From where I sit, either you have the 1.5% mentioned (which is possible), or your husband is 60, or you’re disillusioned.
Please think of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh”; Consider your own humility. Also think about communicating more “gracious, seasoned with salt”(Col 4:6)
From a guy’s perspective – I think this article is right-on. Just to give you some background, I am 24, a born-again christian, new father, and recently engaged to my fiance of which we have been together for 6 years. I have had an on and off porn struggle in recent and past years starting before I met my now fiance, but also the porn addiction continued at times throughout our realtionship. As you can imagine, it caused a lot of tension and trust issues throughout our relationship and in some ways, there is still some mistrust and hurt from the past from the porn damage in our relationship. I think being honest was the turnaround piece and sucess in our relationship which enabled me to come clean and continue to trust God to help me and her move forward from the pain I had caused. I immediately seeked help when everything hit the fan and a big part of what I had been hiding from her was revealed. Isn’t it great to know that since I belong to God, he exposes all of my wrong doing to those who I have hurt – I mean that honestly. The holy spirit living within me keeps me so accountable for my actions and my thoughts and sometimes being exposed is such a humbling experience for a christian. I also had an amazing opportunity to go to an Every Man’s Battle conference sponsored by New Life Ministries in Washington DC last summer. I recommend this to any guy (Christian or not) who has a porn/sexual related addiction. There is a substantial cost assoiated with the confernece, BUT it really is worth it – it changed my whole outlook on sex and pornography. I also had my dad with me who went in support of my help which I think was so helpful as well – it was so awesome of him to support me and if you asked him, I know he learned a lot from going to the confernece. Just as a side note – there is one thing about the confence that the world needs to know no matter who you are… everyone has struggThe conference featured great speakers, aweosme accountability and really an eye-opening experience for guys like me who either never really understood the root causes or sexual addiction, or who were told to go otherwise there would be some family readjustments in the future… it opened my eyes to the damage that sexual addiction causes and gave me so much hope to change by the grace of God. One thing that I learned from the conference is that men are like women in the fact that they have ways of dealing with emotion and stressful situations that life brings us. Men are expected to just be tough and to not show that they are struggling with things – we are fixers and doers… that mentality is WRONG and goes against what goes on inside most of us men. We are human beings who have real struggles like all people do and the way that we deal with stress, nelgect, past trauma in our life can affect how we live our lives. (i.e. looking at porn to relieve stress, being tempted to have sex with our significant other, etc…) it goes hand in hand. IM NOT SAYING THIS IS JUSTIFIED, because in God’s eyes it absolutely is not, but that men, and especially society need to realize that there is a root cause to our actions. It is through God and his word that we are able to act accountable to him and that is what is the driving factor to recovery. It goes beyond that though – accountability parterns should be in place, internet filtering/monitoring on software should be installed on computers and smartphones/tablets, constant open communication and honesty to the significant other and from them to you should be happening, isolation should be minimized as this usually leads to temptation. I noticed that I was more vulnerable for Satan’s attack when I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything – that lead me to fullfill my own desires which usually wasn’t a good thing. Overall, it is not an easy road to recovery and I still get tempted to delve back into my old habits and ways, but that is going to happen for the rest of my life. Knowing that I have accountability in all aspects of my life is how I am able to be successful and thank the Lord I have him to lean on when I feel discouraged or have no one to turn to. I am still working with my fiance to build our trust together and hopefully get married in the future and raise our son together. My gave me a visual picture which is so powerful to me – if my relationship with my fiance is a triangle and I am on one end, she is on the other and God is at top of the triangle, that eventually with time and as we build closer toward each other, that we also build closer in our relationship with God with him at the top and center. I am thankful for my fiance for being faithful and patient with me, for my dad for his love and support, and for my family. I also know that through God’s grace and mercy that I am healed and I hope I can one day help other Christian men who are struggling. In conclusion, here is a helpful quote that I use as a daily reminder of hope. I stole this from Tim Tebow, “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it” and that is all that I need to get me through whatever I am going through in life.
I really appreciate your post Mellissa!! As a wife who has been on the receiving end over 25 years !! I agree ! Where is the compassion for the pain the loyal christian spouse must endure ??
This is pretty harsh. As she stated in the article, 98.5% of men have had to deal with this. Since I was 5 years old I’ve been exposed. My dad watched porn all the time and went to strip clubs. I’ve had my ups and downs, but to say you should end the relationship is a ridiculous notion. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years. When we first were together, we made love all the time, but her parents found out and we had to change our relationship to honor God’s word. For me, this was especially tough. I love her with all my heart, which only makes it harder for me. I had a relapse. I didn’t want to tempt her into sin, so I’ve tried easing my urges. I would lay down my life for my girlfriend and do any and everything for her.
When women say things like you just did, all that makes men want to do is hide it. I was debating on telling her and now I’m not sure I can. I love her with all my heart. I’m in tears as I write this because I’m so disappointed in myself and I don’t want to hurt her. There’s a reason only 1.5% of men are lucky enough not to deal with this issue. Something as easy as a like on am instagram photo of a women dressed provocatively could be a trigger. To attack the person is very harsh. I hate to give advise because I don’t know the man, but the fact that he was open and up front with her about can not be over looked. He obviously to do it, but little moments can take over and leave us men discouraged. The last thing we need is to be attacked.
To the above comment. Some men struggle with pornography because somewhere in the childhood they were molested , and or a generational curse of incest or molestation took place in the family line. Once a person is saved, yes they are sealed with the Holy spirit of promise, but salvation (unless we give it back), is a one time thing. The healing and deliverance from generational curses however is about sanctification, the daily transformation of becoming more and more like Jesus. Some things don’t change over night and can only come out with prayer and fasting. I want to caution you about your comment above because it was very condemning. It’s about an issue that may on the surface, look just like that, something on the surface. When it it really something deeper or a deeper rooted issue (molestation, generational curses, rejection, etc) and the pornography is the bad fruit growing on the tree. To say that this man does not respect woman, and is not sold out to christ, along with the other comments you made is in error. If the young man was not sold out to christ, and did not respect women, He would not have told his girlfriend whom he loves. He could have hid it from her. Love is very powerful and covers a multitude of sins. Jesus loved us, even when we were still sinners. Thank God for grace. But grace is not to be used as a reason to keep on sinning and doing what we want. Im sick of the hypergrace message. Grace is the power that is supposed to help us overcome sin, because where sin abounds grace abounds more. It reminds us that God loved us for who we were when we came to Him, but it also reminds us that He doesn’t want to leave us where we were. I encourage this young man, and exhort him for being open about his weakness and his sin. In being open about his weakness he is saying, “God I can’t do this without you. Be my strength.” James 5:16 “confess your faults one to another, and pray for one for another, that ye may be healed.” So I urge the young lady above- pray, fast and love him through it. IF you choose to. No, it wont be easy or overnight, but his healing and complete deliverance will come. Isaiah 58, the fast that GOD CHOSE, 1) Loosens the bonds of wickedness 2) Undo the heavy burdens 3)let’s the oppressed go free 3)breaks every yoke- well, that seems like allot of work perhaps for this guy’s issue and their not married yet. I got news for you, when you’re married you’LL have to continue to live a lifestyle of prayer and fasting for your future husband and your children. I end my comment here and I urge my fellow brother and sisters to check their own spiritual barometer first, comparing themselves to Jesus and not man. Take the Holy Spirit Sheriff’s badge off. Your comments could damage the soul of the one God is working to heal.
Thanks Melissa. I’m a 55 year old husband and father of 3 boys and 4 girls. I have struggled all my life. And I would give the same advice to my girls. And expect the same zero tolerance from my wife. God does not wink at sin. Jesus expectation is “Go and sin no more” Romans 7 is not the normal Christian life. Where is the hope of the gospel? It is Romans 8:4, not Romans 7:24 !!! As a sold out Christian we should never accept a Romans7 life, for my self especially.
If only you actually knew the struggle.. It’s people like you that make people with problems hide their feeling about this.
My boyfriend of two years just opened up about his porn addiction im freaking out. I dont know how to help or what to do. We used to watch the tv show shameless and it has alot of sex scenes in it and it makes me uncomfortable now is it not good if he watches it while trying to recover. Please help I am so lost. I don’t know what to do I want to help but don’t know how. And i dont want to leave but i dont know what to do. Please help
Hi, Victoria – such a tough situation. My first words are ones to tell you that it must feel like a bomb has been dropped on your relationship. My second words are to tell you that it sounds like there are some things to be hopeful for here.
First, your boyfriend opened up, which is great. This could mean that he really does want to figure this out and find help. He can turn to any number of blog posts from Covenant Eyes as a start, particularly this one.
Second, and I’m not sure how to word this, so please forgive me if it comes across more direct than I intend, but if you need to freak out, that’s ok, but then move to a spot of “we’ll get through this.” Because, there’s a great chance that you will.
Third, it’s not your job to fix him. It’s his job, with your loving support, but you don’t need to carry the burden of his recovery. It’s up to him to sign up for Covenant Eyes. It’s up to him to have an Accountability partner (and it shouldn’t be you). These are all his responsibilities. Not yours.
Fourth, this is your recovery, too. Way too often, all of the focus is on the man’s recovery and the wife/girlfriend is left to wonder “what about me? I feel horrible and confused and I don’t know where to begin.” That’s why it’s so important to find outlets for your own emotions and to find safe places to process what you’re feeling. And, maybe even create some loving boundaries with your boyfriend until you see evidence that he’s owning his part of recovery. Kay Bruner, who wrote this blog, has many other posts about boundaries, and you’re entitled to them. Even though most of culture won’t give you that permission.
Victoria, I wish you the best! God is for you – He’s for real, authentic love. Please let me know if there are any other ways that Covenant Eyes can help.
Chris
Hello, I am very detailed with telling stories so this will be long. I am currently in a situation where I have a boyfriend I have been dating for almost a year. He turns 21 this month. I had a toxic on and off 5 year relationship before him which I told him left me scarred in many ways. I told him at the beginning I did not believe in guys who watch porn when they have a girlfriend. Or who follow trashy girls/past flings while having a girlfriend. I told him I believe it’s no different than cheating and that if he’s going to be with me he only needs to be looking at images of me if he’s needs to touch himself.
I am his first girlfriend. He’s had severe anxiety his whole life where he’s constantly randomly throwing up in anxious situations (which is why he has not been with anyone other than me). The only reason we are together is because I perused him so much and pushed him out of his comfort zone vs. other girls his whole life did not. But even though I am his first “girlfriend“, he has in the past had girls he used to talk to, had huge crushes on, and also used to look at their pages and fantasize about them. He told me later on when we first began dating that he used to watch porn a lot (especially with how anti-social he is). This is where I told him I don’t mind him touching himself if he has to but only to me, which he replied he 100% agreed and did not want to look at other women if he’s with me. Later on in the beginning of our relationship he unfollowed all girls on social media that he used to talk to/like. A week after, I see that he’s following a girl again (that he had unfollowed during that time) that he used to talk to and fantasize about. I brought it up and he lied and said he didn’t, and finally I got it out of him and he said he did, “but only because I still followed guys on social media” but later on i’ve come to find out that may have been part of it, but more of an excuse. After having a long talk with him about that and saying if that’s how he’s going to be i’m gone. Later on at 6 months into our relationship (i now had his social media accounts connected to mine so I get his notifications) a “____ accepted your follow request” pops up. And it’s that same girl from before. I go and look at his instagram search history and there are 5 other girls he has searched up. I thought everything was completely fine between us and this was SO out of the blue for me. I called my parents not knowing what to do or how to react to it. I had a long talk with him saying that without complete honestly I cannot continue to be with him. And if he’s not ready to be serious then to not drag me along. He replied saying it was an accident that he followed her, yes he did go look at those girls pages, but it was an accident that he clicked the request to follow button. Next I asked him, “have you been watching porn while you’ve been with me? be honest” (side note I always asked him if he was throughout the relationship and he always said no, that he just looked at videos of us). He replied, “Yes i have”. He said he had started watching it again from the 2months point of our relationship to the 6months (4 months of constantly watching it and lying to me…). I then told him “Thank you for being honest but since you’ve decided to pick false images over what is real (me) I can no longer be with you.” So i broke up with him, but on the goodbye phone call later that night I told him that this breakup doesn’t HAVE to be forever. That it depends on if he’s ready to give that up and be a one woman man. I did a lot of research on this in which many things said lots of guys struggle with this but as long as they’re trying not to it’s okay (if you’re someone who can put up with it). I told him he might just be at a point in his life where he just wants to look at a million naked women, and if that’s the case to go on without me. He replied saying he loves me and he hates what he did and he’s always wanted to give it up and he’s always tried but it’s just hard. We were broken up for about a week and got back together because he said he would talk to his dad about his struggle, read these addiction books my brother read to help him, and would take safari, app store, and anything having to with social media/internet off his phone and laptop. So i went and put the restrictions on for him. A month has passed and he hadn’t touch himself at all, he was reading the books, praying. But lately, I slowly started to see him not really reading anymore and only doing it when i reminded him, and hanging out with his older brother more (who is a very bad guy). Then I get a text the other morning saying he “touched himself earlier this morning and he’s sorry he couldn’t help it”. He didn’t look at anything, he just did it. He said he thought about me but mainly nobody. He said he just did it to relieve stress so he could go back to sleep. After telling me this he then says his grandma (who he lives with) wanted him to download the family dollar app on his phone so she could get more deals. He said he didn’t know what to do and was asking me for the passcode so he could take the restrictions off and get the app for her. I didn’t know how to react, I told him no i’m not giving him the passcode, it’s only 4 digits he’d remember it, and because of what he did i wouldn’t be speaking to him for the rest of the week which he replied “Okay”. A day and a half passed and I couldn’t take it anymore so I texted him last night and asked if he’s done it again. He said no he hasn’t, that he’s been depressed and hating himself for what he did because he knows he hurt me. He also adds that he’s taking the week off to basically recharge and relax. And that not talking has been relaxing for him (mainly probably because I normally like to sleep on facetime and he hates it but does it to make me happy). He then proceeds to say that he wants all restrictions taken off his phone immediately, that’s hes “tired of feeling and being treated like a kid”. He says he doesn’t need the restrictions anymore and that he just wants to be able to search things when his family is asking him to and go watch youtube again. He justifies this by saying “I have my ps4 in the living room, if I really wanted to watch porn that badly i would bring it into my room and search it on there”. I replied “yes, but that takes much more effort and you’re less likely to do that vs. having easy access on your phone”. He doesn’t agree, but I know deep down he knows he doesn’t need the restrictions taken off. It’s only been a little over a month since he was watching porn. I don’t know what to do or how to respond to this. I told him that I guess I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t want to and that i guess I have no choice but to take the restrictions off. I just know if I do he’s going to slip up. He’s one of those people that is overly confident in saying he can do anything but when it comes down to the hard part he’s weak and gives in super easily. I had a panic attack and later on asked if he can just wait to turn them off once i drive down to go see him in 2-3 days for his birthday. He said yes. But really i’m hoping to introduce covenant eyes to him and seeing if he’d be willing to atleast do that. Because if not I don’t see how either of us could equally be comfortable. It’s only been a month and it takes way longer than that to regain my trust back. But he’s wanting to rush it. I know it’s like impossible for him to “completely stop”, but I believe it’s not impossible if there’s no way for him to even access porn. Many people say that if i really loved him I would help him though this even if he messes up. But if he’s not even willing to do the covenant eyes or change his mind about turning off the restrictions I don’t know how else I could be with him except to just settle, because like y’all said above there’s only like 1.5% of guys who don’t do that and have been living under a rock their whole life. It’s very unlikely (especially with my luck) that I would find someone who’s basically perfect. I know all of this is just negatives about him but there are definitely a lot a positives like he’s literally all i’ve ever wanted in a guy besides this problem he has and just his life kind of being “stuck” right now because he parents could not afford to get anyone a car and so he can’t get a job, doesn’t have a car etc. But that’s something I overlook and know with time it will not be like that anymore once he finished with college. He really is a great guy and we’re practically the same person. It’s just when it comes to these things it makes me question us and i don’t know what to do or what is the correct way to react.
So the real issue is this: will he take responsiblity for himself? None of us are perfect, we are not going to find perfect partners. However, we can all choose to take responsibility for ourselves, and we can expect our partners to do the same. It sounds like you have a good idea of what’s okay and not okay with you, and a plan for asking for what’s okay with you. Trust yourself!
In response to melissas post:
I think if that’s what feels right to you as a person, I completely agree with Melissa. I know it’s not the holy Christian forgiving thing to do. And you don’t have to be vengeful by removing yourself from something or someone that is causing you trauma and what will more than likely be a long term pain.
I think the general problem for females within this subject is accountability for their pain and hurt feelings.
For some backstory before my point. Now I know from experience women can face the same struggles as men in this area. I am a woman and was addicted to porn and just found out my boyfriend has been lying to me after I made him aware years ago, and since, multiple times, how it has impacted my life negatively and that as someone who was sexually abused at the age of 4, I have strong feelings of hate for the industry. And I myself struggled with my addiction with porn for years and years because of my introduction into it at such a young age. I have successfully not looked at porn. I have successfully changed my habits out of the pain that it has caused me in Reference to finding out previous partners were using porn during our relationship. I was able to drop it on a dime without any sort of help or encouragement or family or friends to talk to after 20 some years of being affected and addicted to porn and the trauma that also came from a young age. I never thought I could do it but I decided to when I realized how much it hurt me, it was also hurting other people. So, no, I would not have wanted someone to stay with me because (IN MY MIND AT THE TIME) I wasn’t ready and could not overcome it. When in reality I put it down cold turkey and haven’t touched it since. Even after I found out my boyfriend was lying to me about it, and revenge seemed so easy at first and I struggled with the idea but never went back to it not even once even while mad and hurt And sadly wanting them to hurt in return. So I think the problem for women Comes down to accountability because all these sites try to say it’s OK that you’re doing it, it’s OK that you’re going to keep doing it as long as you “try”. Yet most of the people suffering from the effects of it are women while the men go on viewing it as if it’s OK because they are male and it is common. To use these ideas of it being common and gender, you’re not holding yourself accountable for the fact that it is completely possible for a man to remove some thing, a already formed habit, that’s been in your life for 20 some years that you never wanted but didn’t know how to deal with. And it’s also demeaning to women that men get coddled while “trying” to recover, no matter the true effort that only they know they did or did not put forth into recovery.
In other areas do we do the same thing? If a man repeatedly physically abuses a woman do you tell that man it’s OK he’s doing it as long as he tries to do better? No. If a man is repeatedly lying to their partner do we say it is OK that they are lying as long as they try to do better? No. If a man is continuously cheating on his wife do we say that that is OK as long as they try to achieve better? No. Nor should we. And vice versa for women being the perpetrator. We are taught that if you hurt someone, if you lie or you cheat that it is unacceptable.
And so is Secret online infidelity if you are in fact aware it is hurting someone. Instead We are taught From a young age to stop the action or stop your involvement with that person opposed to continuously hurting them. Why does porn get to be different? Everyone, is responsible for controlling their urges.
Life is too short to spend it degraded and miserable on someone else’s behalf because of choices they are willingly choosing to make.
Porn kills love. And fuels lust.
Thank you.
Hi. My internet settings at home are blocked and I cannot download this material. Is there another way for me to gain access to it? Thanks for such great resources! You have blessed my life and my husband’s greatly.
What material are you referring to? You left a comment on this post, so I assume you have access to the article itself, correct? What were you hoping to download?