Jessica met Brad through a young professionals group at her church and had been going out with him for several weeks. One evening while having coffee with Brad, he confessed to her that he currently struggles with pornography and is trying really hard to stop.
Jessica wasn’t sure how to process this shocking information and went home with a conflicted heart. She hated the thought of Brad viewing pornography, but didn’t know if it was a big enough deal to end the relationship.
What would you do if you were Jessica? How harmful is pornography to a developing relationship? Is it wise for a single woman to date or court a guy who has a habit of viewing porn?
A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” and 61% say at least “several times a week.” Sadly, what those statistics tell single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.
How un-dealt-with porn problems can harm one’s future marriage.
Although some single women take the boys-will-be-boys approach to porn, modern statistics show us that it’s not that simple. In 2002, at a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the divorce attorneys present said over half (56%) of their cases involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” Porn is destroying thousands of marriages because it’s the type if sin that always promises satisfaction with “just one more look.” It creates an ever-growing wedge between the physical and emotional intimacy of the husband and wife.
As Luke Gilkerson points out, “Pornography doesn’t teach men to serve, honor, and cherish their wives in a way that fosters romance. Pornography trains men to be consumers, to treat sex as a commodity, to think about sex as something on-tap and made-to-order.” Dr. Mary Anne Layden agrees: porn is “toxic miseducation about sex and relationships.”
Porn destroys relationships because it replaces real-life intimacy with a selfish, lust-saturated version of sex. It replaces real-life relationships with a one-way, pleasure-on-demand, non-committal act that treats women as lust satisfying objects.
Why getting married doesn’t “make it go away.”
Some unmarried women think their boyfriend’s porn struggle will simply go away once they have access to sexual intimacy in marriage. However, this has proven to be false by countless marriage testimonies. If a man or woman views marriage as a porn-replacement they will be very disappointed. Why? Because marriage satisfies a sex drive, not a porn drive. Porn is lust-driven and getting married doesn’t automatically make the lust-filled heart go away. It might appear to help the problem at first, but before long, it will come back.
Porn is an addictive sin that will not be satisfied long term with any alternatives, including marriage. Unless this sin is repented of and dealt with from the root up, it will always come back.
While your man may be honest about his struggle, he may not have disclosed the depth or extent of the problem.
Although Brad appeared to be open and honest about his porn struggle to Jessica, objects in the mirror are often larger than they appear. So often a porn addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. There may be many deep-rooted issues and a convoluted view of love and sex.
If your boyfriend admits to having a problem with porn, I would encourage you to find out more. Ask him good questions to understand more fully the extent of his struggle. When did you first view porn? How often have you viewed porn since then? Did you grow up in a home with porn? What kind of porn do you currently view? How harmful do you think porn is to a marriage? What are you doing, if anything, to find freedom from porn?
Understanding the depth and extent of his porn struggle is very important in helping you know how to handle the situation.
So should a woman date a guy who struggles with porn?
I have only scratched the surface on the extreme problems and issues that arise from messing with porn. My advice to women like Jessica would be tailored for her specific situation, but would ultimately have the same conclusion: I do not think it is wise to enter into or remain in a dating or courtship relationship with a guy who is currently struggling with porn. It’s one thing if it is far in his past, but it’s a completely different ball game if he is currently struggling with it.
Before you call me harsh, I encourage you to read some of the other blog posts on Covenant Eyes and you will quickly see the devastating effects porn has on relationships. I think it is wise to end the relationship until he is able to find victory and freedom from his porn habits.
Think about it this way. Why would you want to move down a road towards marriage with a man who is already struggling to be faithful to you? Why would you want to enter into a union to become “one” with a man who is committing virtual adultery on a regular basis? I know what I’m saying isn’t easy and will require a lot of prayer, wisdom, and grace…but in the end it does not seem wise or healthy for you to stay in a relationship with a guy who currently struggles with porn.
I encourage you to get wise counsel from your pastor or a godly older woman on how to handle your specific situation best.
Signs a woman can look for to know he is repenting.
Just because is it wise to end the relationship right now doesn’t mean it has to end forever. Maybe you ending the relationship will be a wake up call to him and will encourage him to seek help. Watch him once things are over to see if he has a sincere heart of repentance and a desire to honor God.
Signs of repentance will look like him taking drastic safety measures to make sure his porn is hard to access (i.e. getting rid of his computer, only using the Internet in public places, etc.). It will look like him seeking accountability from godly men and programs like Covenant Eyes. It will look like him having a clean track record for quite a while once your relationship ends. It will look like him doing whatever it takes to find freedom and victory from the enslaving sin of porn, no matter how hard it is.
Where does forgiveness fit into the picture?
Forgiveness might be hard for you to give at first, but in order to keep your heart from harboring bitterness, you will need to extend grace and forgiveness to him at some point. After all, porn is one form of sin and not one of us is sin-free. We must extend forgiveness to others as Christ has extended forgiveness to us. This doesn’t mean you accept, tolerate, or put up with his porn habits, it simply means you are choosing to forgive him and show him Christ-like love.
You should also pray fervently for him during your time of separation that God would help him find lasting victory. If he does find lasting victory over porn and has a clean track record for a while, then I encourage you to seek God in prayer and pursue further wise counsel before getting back together.
Have good conversations early on.
Is porn a major problem today? Yes. Does porn have to infect every family, every relationship and every marriage? No! Having a plan of action as early on as possible will help you and your man in this fight. Having a good heart-to-heart talk early on in the relationship about this issue will help you and your significant other get on the same page. Discussing both of your expectations, beliefs about porn, plan for purity, etc. will help you know where the other person stands. It will also show the value and importance you both place on cultivating a porn-free relationship.
Don’t wait until you’re five years into marriage to have these invaluable conversations—have them now.
Whether you’re in a relationship yet or not, you can help your future husband fight the battle against porn right now by praying for victory, wisdom, and purity in his life today.
I have been married to a man for 20 years with this problem. I feel that I married ‘in the Lord’ like the Bible says and I am angry that he is not fulfilling his ‘end of the bargain’ so to speak and I feel that porn is the root of it. Recently, my youngest child walked in on him viewing material that he shouldn’t and came and told me what she saw. I am livid and seriously feel that he crossed the line. I feel that, having our child see him with it, was not intentional but that he didn’t do enough to ensure it didn’t happen. I don’t have any indication that he’s into children, so I am not worried about abuse. The stuff I find of his is of women. But I cannot ignore the fact that now my child is embarrassed around him and I am humiliated and don’t know how to explain things to her. I feel I cannot forgive him because now the children (the youngest for now, but the older ones will likely find out) have been exposed to his sin and honestly, I do not want him around. I am not in the right heart condition to be forgiving. I’ve lived with this porn problem for 20 years and had I known the problems it would cause in our marriage, I would not have married him. I am assuming, although I don’t know yet for certain, that this is the first time our kids have stumbled upon his secret. Maybe someone has some advice for me, because, right now, I see no reason to stay with him.
Wow, what a tough situation you’re in. I agree with you that the time has come to consider what your boundaries need to be here. What does he say about his porn use? Is he willing to take responsibility for himself and work on his issues? Sometimes a crisis point like this is a catalyst for change. As you consider what to do, you might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the hard choices they made in situations similar to yours. In some cases, women have found that a separation is really necessary. That’s a hard step to take, and I hope you’ll seek out support for yourself. Personal counseling can be a good support, and groups can also be helpful. Let me know what you think–Kay
I am a 14 year old male who struggles with masturbation and porn. I have tried numerous ways to stop, such as setting up various parental controls. The problem is that, for all of them, the block that is set up is one that, at some point, I wish to remove it or get around it. This is often for a non-sexual reason, such as that a certain site is blocked through the controls. However, in order for me to get around it then, there must also be a way to get around it when I wish to do so for sexual reasons. I have tried praying, my parents know that I have this problem, I go to confession often(I’m Catholic), but still have not been able to stop. I am open and extremely grateful for any advice that is offered.
Thanks, Anonymous. Great questions. First, it is important to know that filtering isn’t the only software option available. Accountability software is a great deterrent. It doesn’t block anything at all, but it keeps track of everything you do online, rates it all, and then sends a detailed report to people you trust. Many, many people have found this helpful for a couple reasons.
1. It is a very mature solution. Filters are great for kids, but as we become adults, we need to prepare ourselves for a world without filters and fences. Accountability software is nice because it trains you without blocking you.
2. It is relational. When others know you’ve slipped up again, they can help you in a very informed way. When you know someone will see what you’re doing, it reminds you that what you do online impacts your life offline.
Matt Fradd, a Catholic speaker on this subject, has a great video about it.
Anonymous, Go to Puredesire.com you will find the answer you seek.
@j.Alucard. My husband was into plus sized porn. Explain? Men have always had an ever changing view of female beauty. Marilyn Monroe was not thin, men in Africa love a bug woman and I have been to the forbidden room ( ancient porn)in the Rome museum and those women were well fed :) it is not an obesity problem it is a greed problem. Greed always wants what it doesn’t have.
Just curious, and this is a bit random but I am sincerely asking how do Gynecologists cope with everything that is presented to them? Are there studies done showing when Doctors cross the line of addiction? I’m assuming symptoms of live porn, if you will, are the same. Patients become objects to be consumed or profited from, fascination with pain, can’t stay in a committed relationship or no desire to get married. Mentally, emotionally how do they train to cope with the nature of the job?
I think your question is so interesting. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when you say “live porn” it sounds like you’re assuming that any nudity is inherently sexual and sexually arousing in nature? However, I think that rational, healthy adults are able to separate the medical treatment of the human body from sexual arousal.
You make it sound like every woman that sees a gynecologist is a porn star. A friend of mine is a gynecologist. Frankly, for him it is just a job. A large number of women he sees are not very attractive. Many are older women and many are massively overweight. There is no sexual arousal at all. Then there is the disease angle. Plus, sexual arousal is not ALL physical —- much of it is attitude based.
I think people need to be realistic about porn stars and why they are so addicting. Most are tiny and in great shape and on average 47 pounds smaller than the average woman. No one wants to talk about this, but the obesity epidemic has had a huge impact on porn usage. It makes women mad to hear this, but it is true. You can go look at your girlfriend who is 160 pounds or go look at Remy LaCroix who is 5’2″ and 105 pounds.
No one talks about this issue realistically. We don’t talk about the responsibility of the woman, the obesity explosion in America, the fact that people work too much (leads to a lack of intimacy), or the very real reason that if your spouse is looking at porn there is a reason and that reason might be you. Remember what I said about attitude. Some spouses are prudish and demanding. Then they wonder why their significant other escapes to porn. Then we totally side step the 700-pound gorilla in the room. Maybe human beings are not made to be monogamous. Marriage statistics are showing this, but personally, I blame feminism for that. There is simply no upside for men to get married anymore and at least in America, the male is now the cause of all the problems that have ever existed.
More bias in these articles. There are billions upon billions or porn pictures out there. Now, unless those girls are imaginary, there is a heck of a lot of women doing porn. Let’s stop making this a male issue. If women stopped pushing sex all the time and make the porn, there would be a lot less viewing of porn. But don’t trust me, go look at the pictures yourselves. There are billions of them out there and the vast majority of those women were not forced to do the porn either.
What you call “bias” we call talking about a specific topic. We don’t disagree that women should stop using sexual prowess, but since they are, those who interact with and live in a world with those picture have choices of their own to make.
You are speaking of a world that has minimized women to sexual objects. I think that is the core of the problem being ignored. When you see someone as an actual person and not as a thing to be used for your own personal gratification, then the fact that they have a soul matters. You might also consider that a lot of the porn online is made with women who have been forced into sexual slavery. Many people have been abducted and forcefully made to do these things either through beatings , starving, or other tactics. There is a reason why prostitution is the oldest profession that exists for women. A woman who found herself without support of a male really had few other options. If people didn’t look at porn, there wouldn’t be a market for it and it would shut down; however there was lust and objectitification way before technology made porn available.
I am trying to reply to the “ME” person below who responded to my comment. I do not want to hear this nonsense about “sexual slavery”. There are TENS of BILLIONS of pictures out there. Now, unless those women are imaginary, that is a lot of women doing porn. Then there are things such as webcams, personal porn on computers, personal videos, etc. None of those women are in “sexual slavery.”
Also, women are just as capable of finding a job as men. In fact, it is much easier for a woman to get A) assistance or B) scholarships than it is for a male.
Lastly, go look at how much money your typical stripper makes or webcam girl makes. There are women in Atlanta that are millionaires from porn, stripping, and webcams.
What does it take for a woman to stop using the “abuse excuse” in the year 2015? What does it take for a woman to just admit it is easy money to take off your clothes and get paid doing it? What does it take for a woman to admit that women have been pushing sex since the beginning of time? But I guess, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, the Kardasians and legions of other millionaire women in Hollywood are hard up for cash too and that is why they use sex and sexuality.
But don’t take my word for it. Go look at the thousands upon thousands of women getting nude on webcams from the privacy of their own homes and of their own accord. The bottom line is that women objectify themselves and have done so since the beginning of the time.
Frankly, if truth really be told. Want to see a really ticked off woman? Never notice her. This is what women say and do — they talk out of both sides of their mouths. They do everything in their power to be the center of attention and then turn around and say don’t objectify me!!! It is pure hypocrisy.
With all due respect, some your absolute statements here reveal a great deal of ignorance about the industry of sexual exploitation in the world.
As far as the women who make open-minded decisions to sell themselves, they do admit that it is easy money. I’ve spoken to dozens of porn actresses, and they all admit this was a primary reasons for doing what they did. Why do you think they are in some kind of denial?
Ignorance of the industry? Please. There are BILLIONS of pictures Luke and you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. So you mean to tell me there are tens of millions of girls sold into sexual slavery? There is some grand conspiracy out there? That there aren’t jobs those women could go do? I have a unique and novel idea for women. Study. Go do the jobs men are doing. Very few women are forced at gun point to do porn. Most choose to do it — like you said, for the money. Welding for example will be a huge field in the next five years. Women can go weld. The government will pay for training. It is a tough job. Not nearly as easy as sitting on a webcam taking off your clothes. It is honest work though.
My comment was not directed at porn stars who admit to doing it for money. It was directed for the typical person who repeats over and over again the same tired lines. “Oh poor girls. They don’t know what they are doing. It is okay. It is not their fault. Someone sold them into sexual slavery.” Sorry, but they do know what they are doing and that is my point. It is not 1950 anymore. Girls are not these innocent creatures.
A person cannot be exploited when they do things of their own accord. It is called a choice. Not exploitation. It is a choice. Until you make women accountable for their choices, this will never end. Not in a billion years.
As far as sex slavery goes, it’s the second biggest organized crime in the world, so yes, I think the problem is a big one. Are there jobs they could do? Sure. But the force, fraud, or coercion that got them into that lifestyle needs to be removed first.
I readily admit there are varying levels of coercion and force involved. If, for instance, you are kidnapped from your village at age 10, put in a cage, and then raped by clients who pay your pimp, you are living in an extreme sort of sex slavery. If you are wooed by a pimp who holds a sort of psychological sway over you through threats, promises of love, promises of money, etc. then the level of coercion is simply not the same. But it is still coercion, nonetheless.
Does that mean that many of these girls are, in some sense, not responsible for their actions? No, of course not. I’m not sure if you think I believe that, and if so, why you think I believe that.
I find these articles to really be a waste of time. I understand in part why an ADDICTION to porn would be a bad thing for a relationship, especially one which includes the Christian god, but what I don’t understand is why someone would try covering it in this way. I personally have stopped watching porn many times (specifically every time I had a girlfriend), and have never seen my choice to find pleasure as an addiction.
I will, however, say that dumping someone for something as stupid as watching porn, especially when they were willing to confess and felt bad enough to confess, is idiotic at best. Understand that I’m not Christian, and that my moral values actually extend farther than the Christian commandments, my belief being that if it can be helped at all, that harm should not be brought to anyone (that includes myself). That being said, if you love the guy, one stupid mistake shouldn’t end the relationship. Couples argue, they yell, they lie and often bring harm to one another. That’s just part of the relationship. The point of a fertile relationship is to help each other grow, not to knock each other down.
My next relationship, I’ll stop watching porn once again. I’ll pray to my gods that my girlfriend does the same, but if she doesn’t, I’ll be there to help her through it (and yes, porn can very easily be a female problem too, as it was with my first).
If you want to bash me for believing that punishing someone you care about is wrong, then please do. Otherwise, move on and deal with the problem the way you believe it should be dealt with.
Thanks for this. I really appreciate your distinction between the occasional user and the addict. I agree that occasional use is an issue that couples can and should be able to deal with together, regardless of religious orientation.
I think what many couples experience is that occasional use often accelerates to addiction, and they’d rather stop porn use during dating. This author has particular boundaries; others may have different boundaries. The point is to have SOME kind of boundaries, and not just find yourself the victim of things you hate because you just didn’t know what to do.
The issue of internet pornography is a completely new challenge to relationships in this generation, and everybody has to sort out what to do about it. Hopefully the wide range of voices on this blog allow for a conversation that contributes to good health.
Thanks for being a part of the conversation! Kay
I agree with the article and with Reuben.
My ex-boyfriend was (and maybe still is) addicted to pornography… But the thing is, he kept it a secret from me! I think this hurt the most. I would’ve helped him turn away from it if he had confessed to me earlier in our relationship, but he didn’t. He kept it from me.
We had been dating for two years with talks of marriage in the near future and the start of a family. I was left alone in his room one day as he went to fetch my family (we were having Christmas at his house)… I felt that something was wrong (I had suspected for a while that he was chatting to other women and was wasking for photos) so I snooped around his room and eventually decided to log onto his computer. My intuition (which I know think was the Holy Spirit) told me to check his files. To my horror I found the folder… obviously not labeled PORN, it had a game name on the main file that was placed on the desktop. I had to go through about three levels of different folders to find his massive (over 1000 images) porn collection… and many of the images were worse than I thought. Not only were there photos of naked women, but folders of naked cartoons (perverted images of childhood cartoons… Little mermaid is the only one I can remember). I was absolutely horrified… I could not grasp what I was seeing….
Long story short… we broke up because he was flirting and chatting to about 5 other women… asking for photos and saying he misses them… but the porn also played a big role in the break up.
I told him that he needed to get help and sort himself out as there were alot of issues that needed resolving. I would’ve been there by his side helping him through it all, if he wanted me to. I found out 3 weeks after we broke up that he was chatting to other women and decided that he didn’t want to change otherwise he would’ve tried and asked for help.
Porn is everywhere in this world and is so easily accessable… it is difficult to get away from it, but with the help of Christ, we can overcome!!!
I will definitely look into protecting my family one day from all the temptation in this world, with the help of Jesus.
So glad I found this site.
Thanks
When I was married to a porn addict , in 2000. I became to believe, that it was very normal for men to watch porn. It happened on any spare time of his. It happened even when, I fully satisfied him. I never said “No” to my husband at the time. Eventually it as my feelings increased my heart began to break. I felt like I was competitive with porn. I felt, as though as he told me! “ALL” men do this. Me being naive to the situation. He would spend almost $100 on a porn video. I told him how much it made me feel like he was cheating. Me busting him in the act. Red handed. At any extent given. He would even try repairing video tapes. He would dig holes in our yard to hide them. Once I told him, I No longer could cope with his porn addictions! Left crying feeling like I was just cheated on. I tried making myself as pretty as the porn girl’s were. But I never could amount!! I truly thought there was something wrong with me. Several counseling, church, and I knew prior to marriage at 18. But he used it as if I won’t give him sex. He will use porn and do it right in front of me, at that. I divorced him in 2008. It still is scaring, along with now being new into Christian life. I now find myself, with a Christian man who when stress hits he will use porn. He has lied, hid it from me. I have sat being pure as he was at home watching porn. To beeaking my purity to in hopes cure his porn issue. But, as I am finding out even with covent eyes, he installs what he wants. Then I can remind him he needs to install it on his laptop and between going home from work and going to the church meeting at church for porn addictions. He will use porn. Its really hit me this last week. When he tells me he is so stressed out at work and I know he is failing. Lieing to me, I hurt myself and I feel hopless. I have dated other men prior which I found out they watched porn prior to being in a relationship. I finally got over the pain from my marriage. Now I am with another man who is addicted to porn. Who I wanted to marry. I pray everyday he will turn to God. Stop fooling, everyone including himself. Before I can’t handle the lies of unpure ways. Manipulation, and not caring what I feel.
With so many Christian men struggling and if you are struggling with porn. That and the courage to admit it to a girlfriend should be taken into account instead of automatic breakup.
I led a sheltered life until my Dad started leaving porn around. I was first exposed at age 13 to soft core. My uncle sent hardcore to Dad and i was exposed to that as well. I became a Christian at age 16. The matter was complicated by inability to handle guilt and I did not know then how to fight back effectiviely. Being mentally ill did not help the matter. I have OCD, Schzoaffective and Panic Disorders. I went through a nightmare from my OCD which manisffested in extreme religious fanatcticsm. There is no miracle cure for this. I get thourgh each day and God has always been there. Do to my isolation growing up and still continuing to this day, I have had only a couple dating relationships. I do have a close female friend but respect her desire to be just best friends. Mental illness does not excuse my use of free internet porn but it is a complicating factor. Right now, I struggle. I have a hatred of porn after I use it. Very angry at myself. I count it a success if I go a week without it. When temptations come, I pray for help to resist. Sometimes I do and other times I give in. I have a love/hate relationship with this garbage. The lack of Christian mental illness ministries means I am very reliant on secular professionals but am adding pastoral counseling now that I have found ministers that care and have some MH knowledge. I take many meds and I now, at age 59 am finally living on my own in apt. and have SSI disability. Feel like all these things like socializing, dating, marriage and kids passed me by and that hurts, but what really hurts is knowing that I wasn’t able to do those things. I fight my porn addiction and that counts for something. God has delivered me from daily panic attacks and watched over me and that is a great comfort.
To my brothers and sisters out there who are struggling with pornography or any sort of impurity (masterbation or SSA), I highly recommend the setting captives free course. This teaches absolute radical dependance on Jesus Christ alone. It actually works!
Where does the statistic about percentage of 18-25 year old christian men who look at porn come from? I’m giving a talk on this soon and want to make sure I’m sharing accurate stats.
The statistic comes from ProvenMen.org. They did a survey last year with the Barna Research Group.
@ Kay. Thanks for your response. I don’t think that only greedy/ selfish guys get into porn. But I think porn definitely makes you that way. Many men I have encountered ( maybe just my personal experience) seem to want to quit porn but not the lower level lusts that go along with it. I think that is a big reason they just “white knuckle” it as you said. I can’t imagine how being in a relationship would make that 10x harder for the guy. A guy can’t simply stop porn and he’s ok. Which unfortunately is many men’s goal, and they seem to get discouraged when it doesn’t work. I would love to see a site that posts articles focusing on the heart change. Opening eyes to how God wants men to see women not just articles focusing on quoting porn.
Thanks Jessica. I think there’s a HUGE cultural can of worms here when it comes to men and relationships. There’s that whole “be a man” message that tells men that they can’t or shouldn’t or it’s impossible for them to have softer feelings. Then there’s “boys will be boys”. We could sit here all day coming up with those things that have told men not to bother when it comes to emotions. The message is: “You’re a man. Act out. It’s normal.” And all of that, I think, mitigates against men feeling competent to do the kind of heart work which is absolutely necessary to true healing. But if you don’t get into those places, you end up with the “dry drunk” syndrome, where maybe he doesn’t look at porn but he’s got other things now, like alcohol or verbal abuse. I hear that story quite a bit.
On the other side of the picture, I think a lot of women expect to be a princess their entire lives, and they also have no clue about how to have healthy boundaries and then dig into the real, deep, dark places of the heart and grow together.
You might appreciate some of the books that have been reviewed here recently. Jen and Craig Ferguson have written Pure Eyes, Clean Heart. Surfing for God by Michael Cusick is one my husband really liked. I just published a memoir last fall as well.
@Kristin
Here is the link http://www.webmd.com/women/features/why-do-women-cheat
I will actually write a post about this as well. However what are YOUR thought on my original comment?
In the context of this article, it is important to note that when a man is watching pornography, he has 2 choices. He can either keep it a secret, which is very easy to do, or he can discuss it with those he cares about. The choice of keeping it a secret is one of the exact reasons why porn is so prevalent in today’s society.
If he summons up the courage to talk about it to his girlfriend, and especially that he is struggling (i.e. he can distinguish right from wrong and at the minimum, has a desire to break free from his addiction, which is not a given in today’s world) then he should receive some sort of a pat on the back for taking that step, because not many men would do that. Any acts of courage in this area should be encouraged and progressed; breaking up, regardless of how its sugar coated or presented, basically is a slap on his face and he thinks “I was stupid to even attempt to break free from my addiction”, which is definitely not something that will build momentum in the right direction.
If it comes down to “Its not her mess to clean up”; aren’t we as Christians supposed to help fellow Christians clean our messes up, regardless of the link we have with that person anyway? Isn’t it even more important that people in a relationships who have made a sort of a commitment to each other go that extra step if need be?
But off course, each situation is different and needs to be dealt with individually etc. etc.
I mostly agree with your comment, Ruben. The only thing is, women are much more emotional, trusting, and ultimately susceptible than men are. If my boyfriend (I don’t have a boyfriend currently, but I’m just saying…) were to admit a porn addiction to me, it would be hurtful. I would be thankful he did tell me, like you said, but staying in that relationship would be dangerous. Yes, maybe good for him in fixing the problem, but bad for me, who is pushed into compromising in an area that should never be compromised.
Think like this: you are a really good Christian guy, and your neighbor has a grandson that just got out of prison. Your neighbor pleads with you to become her grandson’s new best friend, and because you are that “really good Christian”, you do it! Which is great for that other guy, but BAD for you. You don’t need that kind of influence in your life! Obviously, this is more dramatic than two mostly equally-yoked people, one with a porn issue, but you see my point? When morals and Biblical values are compromised, even with good intent, somebody is going to suffer.
Furthermore, let’s go back to me and my imaginary boyfriend breaking up. If he were to think, “I was stupid to even attempt to break free from my addiction”, like you said, then he isn’t worth my time anyways, and I’m glad, after the tears are shed, that I got out before it was too late. A guy that is really worth the trouble, will do whatever it takes to flee his porn issue, apologize with red roses, and work to win me back.
Just my two cents. I really appreciate this article, Kristen! =)
Followed by
So….3/4 of women should be lesbians or nuns?
Or 3/4 of Christian men should consider not looking at porn anymore or find help if they are addicted.
I can tell you one thing: I love my wife
I disclosed to her, while we were dating, that I had previously had a porn problem. In her innocence, she believed it to be done with. And in my naivety, so did I.
Within a year of our marriage, porn returned with a vengeance. Was it for a lack of intimacy? No. Was it for a lack of physical satisfaction? No. It was for a lack of porn.
It simply cannot be replaced by marital intimacy because they are so different from one another; porn is a sin, an addiction of terrible force and marital intimacy is ordained by God. Marriage satisfies the soul by way of emotional and physical connection amid the trials and tribulations of life and parenthood. It’s beautiful but it’s not easy.
Porn is easy. As are so many sins.
Getting away with it begins with practice; practice that starts with masturbation. The longer a young man hides that from his family, the sooner he will experiment with porn. Addiction follows like a whirlwind.
If my wife had known these things, I might not have my life, my beautiful children… nor would I deserve them. You see, she should have left me then, with a promise of prayers and to return after I had conquered my demons; after I had asked God to conquer them for me, in truth. For there is no greater foe to demons than Christ and, though they plague me, He has to be be my refuge in this. It has taken years for me to truly fight porn and my wife still does not fully understand, nor did I expect her to. It is a sin she has never dreamt of committing, but her aid has been invaluable and I only wish she had known the extent of this sin earlier. The thought of losing her then, before porn entered our marriage, would have been unbearable and it might have saved me, and my family, years of lost graces.
My youth pastor used to tell us “rarely do sins travel alone” Sexual sin is the symptom of many sins like greed, selfishness, self-pity, coveting ect. And I say this in love, healing is a messy business. Honestly if a man truly cared about a girl he wouldn’t want her near him when he was going through this, he would want to protect her heart from the damage his sin will cause Her. Wanting her to stay shows his selfishness. He has a lot of growing to do. It is as much a heart issue as it is a sexual one. Learning how to respect and love women as God’s daughters. Learning to give instead of take. Learning to love themselves as the man God made them to be. If God wants you to be with her she won’t go far :) trust God to handle her and if you truly care about her do what is best for her, not you.
Hey Jessica. I agree with a whole bunch of what you said here. Most young men and women do have a whole lot of growing up to do! Porn presents an incredible challenge to that process.
I think this is such a complicated issue. While I agree that selfishness and greed do tend to come along with long-term porn use (there’s confirming research on that now!)–I don’t think that only greedy, selfish extra-sinful people get into porn.
I think a lot of people stumble into internet porn and get caught, at really young ages, and are left without help for years because parents and churches are woefully inept at helping kids deal with the internet in healthy ways. I’m not blaming anybody. This is just the way it is right now. No generation of parents has had to deal with this. No generation of pastors has had to deal with it. No generation of girlfriends has had to deal with this. No generation of wives. We’re all just having to figure this out together, and we’re still largely silent about it in our homes and churches.
And I think easy answers are not the answer. This is TOUGH. It’s going to require all of us, men and women, to think about relationships and how we deal with each other in completely new ways. The fairy tale myth of happily ever after just doesn’t work here. (It never worked really well anyway, but porn really blows the walls down.)
I’m in a “secret” Facebook group with a bunch of women who attended a major, well-respected Christian university. Kudos to this school, they were trying to help young people deal with internet porn. And so the young women were advised not to date someone who was using porn. The guy had to be clean for a year, and then they could date. Sounds great, right? But what happened in practice was… either the guys white-knuckled it for that year, or they lied. Because a few years down the road, we’ve got a big old mess of guys who are seriously addicted and acting out in all kinds of ways, families in complete disarray, and everybody scrambling to sort out what to do next.
Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries in dating. Have a look and let me know what you think. Kay
Reuben,
While I understand your admonition to forgive, we can only forgive when a person truly recognizes their sin and the gravity of their sin. This idea is present throughout the Bible – no one is forgiven while still in the act of sinning.
When a man confesses a sin to his lover, he is looking for one of two things: either forgiveness, or approval. Pornography teaches men that it is their right to use women for pleasure. Most men will want “permission” to remain unchanged, and unrepentant – and will often confess their ‘struggle’ when it is no struggle at all. We are not righteous because we will be “rewarded” (in this life, anyway), and anyone who is honest just for a ‘pat on the back’ cannot be trusted. A woman would be very, very wise to call it off, and get their boyfriend some godly counsel, and pray for him. Time will reveal what his true intentions were, and who G-d has truly intended for them.
Joshua
In a lot of cases Women are more susceptible to cheating.
In a recent study in “Web MD” it was concluded that Women tend to cheat –primarily to “fill an emotional void” some of the other ones that made the list were -revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction.
Isn´t God supposed to fill that “emotional/empty void” ?
If a Man struggle is visual- than a Woman´s struggle is in the emotional realm/ with her emotions.
A Man can usually turn his head and look the other way or have sexual disciple, but it takes a real deep connection with God to NOT drift into the doubt of the emotional realm life most Women I´ve come across tend to.