Advice for Marriages Plagued by Porn

Dear Husband and Wife,

One of the most common comments we receive is from wives who believe that their feelings do not matter to their porn-addicted husbands. Almost every day we hear from a wife whose husband continues to use pornography and then lie about it. These women frequently tell us that their husbands attempt to play the blame shifting game. “If you had done this or that, I wouldn’t feel the need to use pornography.” Or, “If you would get your weight under control, I’d stop.”

The most common form of blame-shifting that we hear is when the husband says, “You’re just insecure. All men do it.” In just seven words, he manages to shift the blame twice. First he shifts the blame for his wife’s own pain onto her. “You’re just insecure.” Then he blames society for making it okay. “All men do it.” With two sentences–two lies–the man never stops to consider that he is drilling holes into his bride’s heart.

Owning the Addiction

As is the case with any addiction, it is absolutely imperative that the addict “owns” his addiction. All of the blame-shifting tactics in the world will not change the fact that his behavior belongs to him and him alone. Even if the marriage is one that is wrought with other unspoken problems – problems that make intimacy difficult – the wife’s refusal to participate sexually with her husband is never a legitimate reason (though it may be taken as an excuse) to go outside the marriage and use porn for sexual satisfaction.

First remember: porn never satisfies. It may give the illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the need that is at the root of the pornography use problem. It only sparks the desire for more of the same.

Second, going to porn again and again shows how weak the husband is. A life of purity requires far more diligence and strength than does a life of indiscretion.

“Why does he continue to hurt me?”

The question arises, “Why, if he knows he is hurting me so deeply, does my husband continue to use pornography?” The simplified answer is that he may not know he is hurting you. He can see the tears and hear the yelling and screaming. He may even notice when his wife retreats into her own world, yet never absorb the reality of the wife’s pain into his mind and heart. Deep-seated emotional sins can act as blinders, prohibiting his seeing anything but what lies directly in front of him – his neurochemically-based need for more pornography.

“He makes me feel so worthless”

A woman’s need for intimacy, emotional stability, and self-worth are very real. Wives, do yourselves a great service and learn that your self-esteem or self-worth does not come from within nor from their husbands.

Contrary to some popular teaching, we are not God. We did not create ourselves and have no ability to create worth within ourselves. Although a man’s continued illicit behavior may cause the wife to feel like less of a human, she needs to understand that her self-worth does not originate in him, and therefore cannot be taken by him. We have value, not because some human says we do, but because our Creator saw value in us before we were born. To be sure, the people with whom we have relationships can reinforce that sense of self-worth and they may even help us to feel a loss of self-worth, but they can never remove our actual value.

Wives, whether you have been beaten, verbally abused, or raped at the hands of a man whose heart and mind have been rotted by pornography, or if you have been hugged on, loved and nourished, your intrinsic value is the same in the eyes of God. No matter which side of the fence you fall on, God loved you so much that He sent His son to die on a cross just so He could have loving relationship with you. No man can match that love. Nor can any man do any more than that to instill in you a sense of value.

Do all guys watch porn?

Husbands, please do yourselves a favor and get over the notion that “all men use porn.” It’s simply not true. And even if all your friends do use pornography, it is no excuse for you to willingly commit adultery (Matthew 5:28) against your bride. Your friends’ approval doesn’t make it okay.

Husbands need to understand that, whether they like it or not, whether they believe it or not, their insistence on using pornography is a great source of pain and sorrow to most wives. Their behavior is degrading to both them and their spouses. There is nothing macho about a man stepping out on his wife, if only through the medium of pornography. We are called to be leaders—the prophets, priests, and kings—in our homes. Nothing does more to decrease the effectiveness of those roles than to allow an invasion of pornography into the heart, mind, and family.

Is there hope?

So, if the husband doesn’t know he is hurting his bride, and if the wife believes her husband has destroyed her value as a human, is there hope for the marriage? Absolutely! But only if both partners realize that they are traveling two-way streets. The husband must grasp the reality that his actions are destructive to his wife and toward the marriage in general. The wife should stop expecting affirmation from a husband who is simply not capable of giving it with the current condition of his mind and heart, and begin to look to her Creator, instead.

Finally, for healing to take place in the marriage, both partners must place their pots of selfishness on the back burner. While the Bible makes it very clear that we should feel free to ask for the things we need—a pure marriage, for example—it also makes it clear that we are to put the needs of others ahead of our own. We are to esteem others more highly than ourselves (Philippians 2:3).

When prayers are prayed with an unselfish heart attitude, change will begin to take place. If the husband prays that his wife’s needs will be met, whether he understands them or not, he will begin to see change in himself. He will see this change because her needs within the marriage cannot and will not be met until he husband changes and becomes the man that God created him, and called him, to be. Her needs cannot be met within the marriage without him changing.

Likewise, when the wife prays, not just for her desire for a sense of self-worth, but for her husband’s needs to be met, she will see change in her own life. When her husband’s need for a relationship with the Heavenly Father is met, she will find her need for a meaningful relationship with her husband being met. When the relationship between the husband and wife is as God intended it to be, he won’t need his pornography, and she won’t have the sense that her self-esteem has drifted away.

They will have found that holes in the heart can be mended.

Yours In Christ,
Man on the Road