I know it isn’t very fancy or creative, but I’ve titled this blog post “About Us,” because, without God’s unfathomable and patient grace and mercy, there wouldn’t be an “Us.” Without Lynn’s grace to me and obedience to her Heavenly Father, there wouldn’t be an “Us.” Our story is a testimony to the work of God Almighty in the lives of two of His beloved children—one a lifelong sex addict and one His loving daughter.
The Day I Was Discovered
On August 28, 2015, Satan fought to destroy our marriage. The husband of the woman with whom I was currently committing adultery met Lynn in our driveway and presented her with copies of texts and emails proving that what he was telling her was true. The very thought was devastating and overwhelming for her, but like an iceberg, she was seeing only the smallest, visible part of my addiction to pornography, adult chat rooms, dating sites, Craig’s List, and adulteries.
Adulteries. Plural. Numerous.
I had been medicating my traumas, hurts, and fears since I was eight years old—a lifetime of addiction and perversion. Satan decided that was the perfect moment to try to destroy our marriage and family by bringing my addiction into the light. I wish I could say I had the courage to “man up” and confess my sexual addiction, but the truth wasn’t in me. It required a crisis to set me on the path of reality and redemption.
I do not have words deep enough or potent enough to express the depth of pain, anguish, and betrayal that rolled over Lynn that night. Like a raging wave in a storm, it threatened to drag her down and drown her. To say she was devastated would be the biggest understatement of all time. Like an onion, we peeled back layer after layer of pain and betrayal only to face a new type or depth of pain we didn’t see coming.
We spent the following days and weeks discussing how I could possibly have done this to her—for 33 years! How could I keep a Godly façade and commit adultery over and over again? Lynn was done with me. She had been the dutiful, dedicated, and Godly wife and mother, but she was done with me. I had had my chances over the years. We were getting a divorce.
Grace Upon Grace
When I look back at those first days and weeks, I see only grace in her demeanor. Oh, was she was angry, heartbroken, and crushed at my betrayal. Our discussions were intense but she was never out of control. She never screamed at me, threw anything, or struck out at me. She never lost her Godly grace. She pulled no punches and spoke the whole truth. She didn’t sugar-coat anything and said exactly what was on her heart.
But she was always gracious. Her response became a significant lesson for me of God’s beautiful grace. We didn’t know what we were doing or where to turn or what to do next. But God did. He was always directing us as we navigated this unknown and unwanted path.
After I confessed to our children (they were all grown and out of the house) one of our daughters-in-law sent me a book recommended by one of her friends. It was called “Pure Desire.” I immediately poured through it as I was looking for any way to get my life out of the pit I’d lived in for so long. The book gave me hope—not for salvaging our marriage as I knew that was gone—but the hope of a real Father to heal the Father-hole in my heart.
Like most addicts, I had financial issues as well. Since neither of us could afford attorneys, I agreed to do all the paperwork for our divorce. If I held out any hope of saving our marriage, fighting over a divorce was certainly not the way.
The Concept of Us
In October 2015, Lynn went away for a long weekend. Up until then, she hadn’t had a real opportunity to process all that was happening, figure out how to move forward alone, and what her life was going to look like. I asked her to take the “Pure Desire” book with her. She took it because our daughter-in-law suggested it, but she made no promise to even open it.
During that weekend, Lynn looked up every Bible verse having to do with divorce and asked God to guide her in her decisions. She wrote me a letter that weekend. As you read the next statement, hear the pain and anguish in your own wife’s heart: in the course of a three-page, handwritten letter, she told me four times that she hated me.
Yes. HATE.
I don’t tell this part to make Lynn look bad. It’s important. It is one of the pieces of our journey that has had an incredible impact on me and my recovery. I had to learn to feel what Lynn was feeling and this letter started me down that path. It broke my heart. It helped bring me to the “broken and contrite heart” that God could work with. Then, she read “Pure Desire.” For the first time since I was “found out,” she saw a glimmer of hope for us. It was only a hint but that’s the most fantastic thing about hope—it is or it isn’t. Even a hint or glimmer of hope is hope. She decided not to make any life-changing decisions until we completed the Pure Desire groups, Seven Pillars of Freedom and Betrayal and Beyond.
What Satan intended for evil on August 28, 2015, God intended to become a demonstration of His power, glory, and grace. The divorce papers turned into separation papers. They didn’t go away as our financial life was in shambles. If I wasn’t going to pass the “test of time” with my sexual purity, Lynn wisely refused to allow my financial situation to follow her.
I started counseling right away and found a Conquer Series group. In January 2016, we began our Pure Desire groups. It was a year of agonizing, intense personal evaluation, and growth for us both. Every Tuesday after my group we “debriefed” about my workbook. Every Thursday after her group we debriefed about her workbook. Even though we were working specifically on ourselves, the concept of us and healing our relationship was always forefront.
God Is Restoring Our Marriage
In October of 2016, we finished our groups and it was time to decide what we were going to do. We went for a drive in the country and ended up at a tiny restaurant in the middle of nowhere. We talked about our future. We still had (have) a lot of work to do. Was I willing to do it? Could I remain pure and live a life of sexual integrity? Did we want to stay together and fight for the marriage I tried so hard to destroy? The answers were all, “yes,” except for the last one. I know how harsh this sounds but it was necessary for us.
We said “no” to rebuilding our marriage. We buried it that day. I had maimed the old marriage beyond saving. We chose that day not to rebuild a marriage built on lies, but rather to create a new marriage built on the foundation God intended. We chose that day to fight for us. We live our life together with vulnerability, transparency, and honesty (V-T-H, as I call it).
That is also the day Lynn extended forgiveness to me for all I’d done.
Today, God is working daily in our lives and marriage. Since the day I was found out I have not suffered a single relapse. We consider that a miracle of God. We are still married and happier than we’ve ever been. Lynn is truly my best friend. God gave Lynn her dream job so we moved to the Oregon Coast. She comes home almost every day and reports that her day was, “perfect,” in spite of the occasional sideways rain. God used COVID to remove all the barriers between me and doing what He sent us to the coast to do. I am now a Certified Professional Mentor and I work with men struggling with habitual sexual sin and sexual addiction. I have been set free from my addiction. Now I strive to help other men find that freedom.
God is good. Oh, He is so good.
Greg Bruce is a recovered Sex Addict who spent 45+ years in the black pit of pornography, sex addiction, and adultery. God has led Greg to a ministry of mentoring men locked in the struggles of habitual sexual sin and helping guide them out. He is the founder and CEO of Created To Be Free Mentoring. Greg and his wife Lynn are blessed to now live on the Oregon Coast where they are thriving under God’s care while showing others that there is HOPE to escape the misery and the mess.
In addition, Church is and is not the place to deal with such specialist issues. As scripture calls us, in Phillipians 4:8-12 ‘ …brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure…think about such things’ and to flee from immorality, given that many Ministers may have led sheltered lives themselves and should be seeking to protect their flocks (especially the young and innocent) from the knowledge of evil, it is understandable that many do not want to discuss sexual problems. But repentance must be robustly preached, and Ministers must be free from hypocrisy in their own lives regarding sexual sin. Christians who have struggled but been helped to overcome must mentor others through support groups and mutual accountability. This must be promoted through churches, whilst not going into details for those who are not suffering or are innocent. To engage in such a program is to begin the path of true repentance, and as such is used by God to bring healing, freedom and sanctification.
The above is evidence that sexual addiction requires a far more comprehensive approach than just the installation of software (although needed) and hoping for the best. A deep, root and branch reform of character must take place, with specialist help, beginning with the addict fully admitting their powerlessness over the addiction.
Unless the issue is tackled at its root, often in childhood trauma or abuse, the cycle will continue, individuals will try to self-medicate with sexual content but feel more self-loathing and shame, further driving them to act out in secret, not seeking help. The more the addict then tries to stop by themselves (which is virtually impossible) and fails, the more despair they sink into, and the worse the addiction becomes. They may have multiple other addictions as well (food, alcohol, gambling, gaming etc), all attempting to escape feelings of low self esteem, hopelessness and shame. That is why shaming an addict will not help them stop, but will actually further increase their despair, leading to acting out.
Sexaholics Anonymous has a detailed program of accountable self-evaluation and repentance that has helped thousands of men and women to truly escape sexual addiction, and the harm they have done to others, and operates entirely through voluntary donations. They also run support groups for partners of those with sexual addictions. Look them up!
It works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it…
Barbara, Kay & Godspeach,
I failed to realize when I agreed to post our blog with Covenant Eyes that there would be comments. I apologize. I should have been more attentive.
Barbara, there is so much wrong with the picture you paint. In a word, as Kay said, “NO!” It ought not to be that way. I am sorry it is your story and that of the women you work with. I don’t know what ‘curriculum’ you’re using with your groups but I know there are more and more professionals out there dealing, in a wholesome & healthy way, with the betrayed spouse, offering empowerment and hope.
The church (little “c”) needs to wake up. It is for that reason Lynn and I speak at every opportunity we get, at every venue offered. Part of Lynn’s story is the failure of the church to support her. Her story speaks to empowerment in a true, Christian sense. All of which is impossible to include in a 1,400 word blog whose intent is to give hope for Restoration. Hope in the truth that with God, all things, ALL things, are possible. He is mending Lynn’s shattered heart. He keeps us together. He’s blessing us beyond our wildest imagination.
Yes. Lynn and I are special to Him. But we’re special in the exact same way you or any other couple suffering from the ravages of habitual sexual sin, in whatever form it presents itself. He loves you. He cares about your pain. He wants to give you His BEST. Platitudes? I used to think so; until I found them to be true in my own life.
I will be praying for you. “It ought not to be this way.” I’m so sorry.
Greg
I totally agree with you both. Wives are taught that they are codependent (which is just a pop psychology term not a disorder) when they show any signs of trauma after discovering their husbands are acting out sexually. I think it’s a sign how little value is placed on women in general.
They don’t know nor seem to care what living with an addicted father (usually it’s the man) and a traumatized mother is doing to their young impressionable minds.
I’d like to be a part of the Revolution to help Christian Women heal themselves and then decide what they want to do with their marriages instead of shaming them for staying or guilting them for leaving. I love the Body, but this..No!!!
Being porn free is not true recovery. My husband still becomes defensive, manipulates and gaslights me after almost four years of not acting out.
I lead a support group for betrayed women and they find the lying, deception, manipulating, gaslighting that CONTINUES after their partner has stopped acting out is frightening and leaves NO room for trust. These women cannot SAFELY speak to their husbands calmly about their feelings, ask about his feelings, his recovery process, her triggers, his triggers. Yes, he stopped acting out but she is STILL unsafe in the relationship. Could you address these issues in further detail in blogs, videos, books?
These behaviours are abuse! Are women expected to wait and hope their husbands will change if they are supportive, forgiving and open to rebuilding their marriage?
I see firsthand how damaging these behaviours are to the betrayed. Most have symptoms of PTSD from ONGOING abuse and feeling trapped. There is an expectation that if their husbands stop porn, chat rooms, affairs then they are in true recovery. This belief is false and women need to be protected especially in the church.
My church would not allow me to hold a support group for women but I found a secular place that welcomed us. This is a very sad truth about many churches who deny porn addiction and believe if it is happening then when it stops, all is well.
Thank you, Barbara. I wish we could put up a billboard in every city, next to every church, with this comment. You are 100% correct.
Many times, pornography use is simply another expression of the controlling, exploitative behaviors of abuse. Abuse is a system, not just a single act. If abusers stop one particular behavior, they will simply find another outlet for their abuse.
Unfortunately, I think churches are not invested in teaching about abuse because they are so often havens for abusers, including many pastors and leaders. There is research suggesting that around 30% of pastors meet at least some significant criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is really not in the interest of church denominations as a whole to educate women–or anyone else–about the systems that are keeping them locked into the service of narcissistic leaders. If 30% of the churches were to take responsibility and oust their abusive leadership, what a nightmare that would be for so many denominations!
Of course, there are healthy churches, there are churches that fully respect women, recognize abusive systems, and stand against them, but too many churches are places where abusers are protected and uplifted while victims are blamed and oppressed. Too many churches are part of systems that do not deal appropriately with any kind of abuse, ever. See the Catholic Church child sex abuse scandal. See the Southern Baptist with the same. If churches won’t protect their own children from sexual abuse, of course they won’t protect adult women from the same.
I’m not surprised that you had to go outside of the church to find a space to meet for this great truth you are speaking. Thank you for pressing on and being the light of the world. I honor you.
Peace to you,
Kay
You are right, porn is often just a part of the problem, sexual addiction is often rooted in childhood trauma and linked to low self esteem and shame, which when triggered, further drive the addiction. True help can only come by the addict admitting powerlessness, in an environment of mutual accountability and specialist help. True root and branch reform of character, repentance, is needed, but one that exposes the real cause of acting out. Accountability software and willpower alone can never be enough to effect lasting change.
Sexaholics Anonymous has an amazing fellowship, entirely free, which goes to the root of the issue, and has helped thousands of men and women into truly transformed, accountable lives, in which they have not only changed, but have made amends to those they have hurt, and have been able to help others still sick. The only membership requirement is a desire to stop lusting, and a commitment to no sex with self or others, apart from the spouse. They run multiple meetings daily (virtual or dial in) and are Worldwide. The program is often recommended by doctors, psychologists, judges and church ministers, and really works. God has used it powerfully in sex addicts I have known, to help them fully surrender all aspects of their addiction, to admit and work on their defects of character, and to bring true healing to those they have hurt.
SA also offers support groups for affected partners, which helps them to access specialist help and network with each other as they also find healing.
As they say in the program, ‘it works if you work it, so work it, you’re worth it’! Check them out…
Barbara,
Although Kay left comments on the church, she did not address the more important question: Could you address these issues in further detail in blogs, videos, books?
You are spot on, Barbara. Your discription of woman being left hanging while the sext addicted is in “recover” mode is ignored. Let’s see as many or more blogs on spousal healing from CE.
You are so spot on! My husband was “in recovery” for 3 1/2 years before it finally dawned on him that he had not really recovered from anything. He was so proud of himself because he was no longer “acting out” and he could not understand why I kept telling him that he had not changed. The avoiding, the lying, the deflecting were still there and as strong as ever. Trying to discuss anything with him was impossible because he simply could not answer a question honestly and completely. I was so tired of having to pull information out of him. One would think the concept of answering a question is pretty simple and straight forward. It was more of a game for my husband. A game I was sick of being expected to play. I was so willing to save our marriage, but I’m afraid I don’t have any love or respect left for my husband. The sad part is now, he finally gets it and he’s trying. So much wasted time! I really wish those in the position to help these individuals would get into the underlying issues, primarily lying and avoiding! They have to learn to step up to the plate and to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…about everything.