Standing in a dark Las Vegas hotel room with my ear cupped to the bathroom door, I heard a voice that I had never heard before. It was the voice of a man “chatting with” and making arrangements to meet with a prostitute later that evening. This was not the man I married eight years ago! Immediately fear seemed to strangle me. My body shook uncontrollably at just the glimpse of the depth of darkness my husband was entangled in.
This moment became just the beginning of the unveiling of my husband’s secret life of sexual addiction. I was finally seeing that his “little problem” with pornography wasn’t such a little problem at all. The next few days and weeks became his horrendous unveiling of a lifestyle of infidelity, beginning with pornography and spiraling into a limitless pit of sexual sin.
Although there were specific things Michael did that helped rebuild my trust, each action would have been meaningless apart from a foundation of true brokenness and repentance. I had seen lots of tears over the years, but genuine repentance looked very different than anything I had ever seen in him before. No longer was he just sorry he got caught or that he had to face consequences, but he was literally sick over where this addiction had taken him.
Of course, I could have forgiven Michael without continuing a relationship with him, because forgiveness only requires one. However, rebuilding trust requires two. It requires a relationship and at least the start of reconciliation.
Related: How to Tell If Your Husband Is Really in Recovery
As I worked on forgiveness, he worked on doing anything necessary for rebuilding trust in our marriage. Here are five of those things.
1. Commitment to a Full Disclosure of the Truth
Initially, there were three major dump-truck-type confessions of “junk.” But beyond that, he made a commitment to being a “truth-teller” every time a memory was triggered.
I got to where I hated the words, “Micah, I need to tell you something.” It was odd. Even though I hated hearing it, those moments of truth were also somehow rebuilding trust. We both knew that if he never disclosed those things, I would’ve never known. Yet he made the continual choice to wipe the slate clean and repair the foundation that had been cracked with lies.
2. Took Full Responsibility
His lifestyle cost us a lot. It nearly destroyed our marriage, small business, finances, reputation, friendships, family relationships, and testimony—pretty much everything that was important to us.
Previously, he was the king of excuses. After real repentance, however, he no longer tried to minimize, deny, or justify his actions or their consequences. He didn’t try to shift the blame to someone else. Instead, I saw him consistently take ownership of his actions by humbling himself before others and me, admitting his wrongs, and asking for the opportunity to make the wrongs right.
3. Willingly Set Up Boundaries
Initially, I gave him a list of practical things he could do that would help me see that he was sincerely striving for purity. I never had to enforce or nag about these issues. He willingly put up boundaries in his life, and then set up others on his own. Boundaries will look a little different for everyone, but some of the boundaries looked like this:
- Being accountable to other godly men.
- Submitting to godly marriage counseling and cooperating with anything asked of him.
- Installing Screen Accountability and not being on an unprotected computer.
- Changing cell phone number; getting rid of old contacts.
- Having no unaccountable time.
- Giving me a list of all e-mail accounts and passwords.
- Going to bed at the same time I did.
- Not watching anything that could trigger lustful desires.
Related: Boundaries for Couples Facing Porn Addiction
4. Pursued Other Forms of Intimacy Besides Sex
After our separation, Michael initiated a 90-day abstinence period in order to work on building emotional and spiritual intimacy back into our marriage.
That time was both fulfilling and draining. It was draining because issues surfaced that we couldn’t gloss over with sex. We had to deal with them.
But it was fulfilling because it took the pressure of physical intimacy off the table. It allowed us to actively pursue rebuilding our relationship with physical intimacy as the overflow of our emotional and spiritual intimacy. It also helped to “reset” his brain chemically and prove to us both that sex was no longer going to be an idol in his life.
Related: 10 Ways to Build Intimacy Apart From Sex.
5. Passionately Pursued God
Without a doubt, the most important thing he did to rebuild my trust was to passionately pursue God. In his own strength, I knew that I would never be able to trust him again. He’d tried in the past to quit viewing porn on his own. The results were always a deeper spiral of degrading sin. I determined that as long as I saw an active pursuit on his part, and I saw evidence of the Spirit’s work in his life, then I was going to choose to trust. I may not be able to trust him, but I could trust the Lord in him!
This may be a good start, but it’s just that…a start. I can still hear my counselor saying, “Trust is lost by the bucketfuls, and gained by the dropfuls. The only way to rebuild trust is by consistency over a period of time.”
To anyone looking in, we were a hopeless case. The sin was just too extensive. It took no less than the supernatural power of God and two willing hearts to do the tough work of obedience. That was six years ago. Despite near destruction, our marriage continues to flourish as Michael continues to walk in purity and submission to the Lord.
This is very hard for me to write. On November 10, 2018 I tried taking my own life.This was only 6 long and excruciatingly painful days after my boyfriend had rapped me because my fighting and saying no, he one thought was a game, but two, it excited him so much because of his porn and sex addiction, that in his words”I craved you” and he couldn’t stop. I spent those 6 days hating my self and him. I felt worthless, degraded, so very unlovable, unappreciated, like a whore, used, so many horrible disgusting things. I truly didn’t have a want to live nor did I feel I even deserved to live. I still don’t really. Before all this I would say I was a godly woman who believed and lived by God word. I don’t know what changed in me that night but laying almost feeling lifeless underneath the very person I was supposed to feel the most love and protection from, my boyfriend. God wasn’t there. And I felt no protection from him either. When I got out of the hospital I tried to go home to my very pissed off at me boyfriend ,pissed that I had made the attempt on my life, and how dare I be so selfish. He said he was sorry for what happened but still doesn’t really acknowledge that his actions are what led me to do what I did. I couldn’t stay there and get better. It hurt to much, I was afraid if I stayed with him continuing his addiction, I would eventually make another attempt. So I left and came states away to my moms to try to get help while he says he is getting help for himself. I’m so lost and alone right now. I don’t know if he really is getting help or just saying it. I am starting counseling in about a week. This is my start. Where to go from here I can’t even think about because it is just to overwhelming. All I am able to think about is my start and one day at a time. Minute to minute on some days.
Rachelle, I am so, so sorry that your boyfriend raped you. This is a terrible trauma and I’m grateful that you’ve gotten the help that you need. I’m so glad that your mom is a refuge for you. Taking things minute by minute sounds really wise. Peace to you as you recover, Kay
Maybe I missed a comment but something I would like to add and addressing Bob’s comment many years ago on this thread.
I am so SICK to death of men using pornography as an excuse to “escape” for hardship in a relationship or otherwise. It is a lame excuse. An “escape” is going to the gym if you enjoy working out, playing golf, watching football, mountain bike riding, gardening, whatever that hobby is that you have.
Looking at other women’s bodies in a lustful manner while you are in a relationship is not an “escape”, it is being a pig. Let’s STOP sugarcoating this and call it what it is. Stop offending women with the escape garbage. Pornography was not introduced as an “escape” so enough now with the lame excuses. This is the same excuse I got from my partner and it is nonsense and a cop out.
Next, men have to stop with the denial that looking at pornography is NOT cheating, and as a result not as big of an issue. It is square on cheating, period, not buts about it.
To those men out there reading this. What you do or have done as a result of watching porn takes away our femininity in a big way which is the essence of a woman. Same as being masculine for a man. It dies or at least for me is at its lowest point. This results in women becoming more masculine to shield our pain and being stronger (which is because we feel the need to protect ourselves from you) and then we are on a rollercoaster ride of the conversation of why are women less feminine these days. Hmmmmmm, exhibit A – disrespect, inadequacy, hurt, lies, betrayal and the list goes on because of your selfishness and using your penises as a pacifier to make you feel better about yourselves which equates to arrogance.
Lastly, which I am surprised that this was not a question for men to ponder……..how would you feel if your wife was watching and looking at men with nicer looking or larger penises than you (maybe six pack abs, great chests etc) because she had to ESCAPE from life’s hardships or “turn off” however you want to put it? How masculine would you feel? How adequate in the relationship would you feel? Would you believe her if she said that it was nothing but just an escape?
I like many women with the love and support of GOD is trying to work through this. It is difficult beyond all measures. I feel like I am unattractive, not good enough, fat, not toned enough etc etc. I can only hope I can get through this.
For all the women who have husband’s who have continued porn after promising to quit or have sexually acted out over and over after promising to quit, open your EYES. He is breaking the COVENANT he made with you before God. Do not be complicit in his sin against God or you.
If you can leave or make him leave, do so. If you do not have the means currently to do so, pray God put you on a path to financial independence. In the meantime, separate yourself from your abuser emotionally. Love from you when he is in denial will not help him and he WILL continue to hurt you. See him for who he is – a liar and a deceiver just like the master he is choosing to follow. I’m not suggesting you be cruel or ugly. But, you should feel a righteous anger from this sort of betrayal. Do not feel guilty for feeling anger toward your abuser. Put your foot down but put it down for yourself. Jesus said to forgive those who ask for forgiveness. Indeed, do so. But forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Reconciliation comes after repentance has been lived out and the fruits of the spirit are evident in your mate. Boundaries for your safety and for the safety of your family need to be set firmly in place. Define a world that is safe and secure for you and your children and, putting your husband and all his issues aside, pray the Lord guide you toward making it a reality. God did not make women to suffer at the hands of emotionally, physically, or spiritually abusive men. Make no mistake about it, porn use/abuse (and the intimacy it STEALS from you) creates an environment where he is CHOOSING not to meet your needs. He is choosing to cheat on you with his eyes (and maybe his body too) and in his heart. This is a choice he is making and you tolerating it for any reason makes you complicit in his behavior. Not responsible, but complicit. You are literally enabling him to sin against God and you. STOP. God is not going to punish the wife who guards her heart or separates herself from sin. Remember every time he sins against you, he sins against God first!
To all of you ladies who are experiencing the hurt from your men abusing pornography and sexually acting out, I understand your pain. If this has gone on for years, you are quite likely struggling w/PTSD and it will not heal if you’re constantly exposed to it! I’m there – every day – WORKING my way out. God IS delivering me, one step at a time.
I tried leaning on the church. Many well-meaning pastor’s do not understand the deep emotional wounding that promotes this type of behavior and the neuro-chemistry involved. Like I said, well-meaning, but otherwise, ineffective.
Christian Counseling is expensive, but worth it if you can afford it. Make sure you find someone that specializes in sexual issues, addiction and trauma! If you cannot find a Christian counselor, then a secular counselor will work; just make sure you state your biblical worldview and get reassurance that the counselor is willing to work with you within your worldview.
Seek pastoral counseling from someone – preferably an older woman – who understands your situation. Develop spiritual disciplines. This is probably the best spiritual path you can take for healing your broken heart. Read what God thinks of you and the love He has for YOU. Read what God thinks of those who abuse His children. He is for you not against you. Cry out to Him and He will protect your heart.
For your psychological/emotional healing (if you cannot afford a therapist), read. Read anything from reliable therapists (AACC certified & promoted) that deals with these types of issues. Find a good workbook (there are several out there), and WORK IT! Work it twice if you have to, just don’t stop working on and FOR yourself. You will be delivered, one way or another from this situation. Refocus. Look at God as the one who WILL be there for you and meet all your needs. God will carry you through your healing process. If your marriage of 10, 20, 30 or more years ends because your spouse will not stop sinning, so be it. God will make sure your life is full of ALL YOU NEED to be fulfilled.
I hope my words haven’t sounded to harsh. I truly mean to help. I wish someone had been outspoken with me when this all first started. It may have saved me years of needless suffering.
I pray that God bless all of you who suffer in your marriages over this type of sin. May He bring you peace in the midst of the chaos, clarity in the midst of confusion and healing from your pain. May He bring you to a place of forgiveness where this betrayal no longer hurts. May he give you wisdom from the experience. May He deliver you from the bondage of lies and give you discernment to see TRUTH and only the truth. May He make His presence clearly known. May he bless you so richly that your healing gives witness to others and encourages them to turn to Him in the midst of their crisis. May you experience his love as you have never experienced it before. Amen.
So how do you move past the feeling of rejection: when your husband chose a woman on a screen or a prostitue over you, a woman who loves him. ? How do you believe him when he says you are the most beautiful women in the world when, clearly, his actions showed you otherwise? My boyfriend was addicted to porn for years before we met. He tried to stop many times but never had the will power he needed. When we started dating, I told him to see a councelor which helped. He has been porn free for around 9 months. We have been dating for longer than that which means that he was holding a woman on a screen over me more than once. And now I don’t know how to believe him when he says I’m the most beautiful woman. I don’t feel like his first pick. And I wasn’t. And maybe I am not since he stopped porn. But at the very beginning of our relationship, the stage that is meant to be the sweetest, I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t first pick.
I don’t know about this whole “you’re the most beautiful” thing. To me, it sounds like we’re WANTING men to objectify us and base the relationshiop on our looks?
He has to learn how to stop objectifying women, he has to learn to treat women as valuable because of who they ARE not because of how they look or how they perform sexually.
But as women, we also have to stop treating ourselves as if our appearance is what matters most, as if “I’m the most beautiful” is our ultimate measure of worth.
You BF should definitely be porn-free, and he should do his work, and treat you with respect. But being the most beautiful woman in the world? So what. You’re valuable just as you are. You live that out, and you expect him to live that out with you.
Writing to you as a 51 year old woman who knows that being the most beautiful woman in the world is no longer possible, but happier than I’ve ever been because I value myself as I am,
Kay
I’m just lost, after 17 years of betrayal and uncovering his addiction to porn time and time again I’m lost. Reading your post and the tears started to flow. Breakthrough. Today after 2 and half years I realized he is at it again. I was so angry and he left. I believe God can mend it, but should I keep going back for more… We’ve been through this all before…All the lies, and the promises. I don’t even know what to pray. We have children. They need two parents, two whole parents. I just need prayers please.
I often doubt this ‘addiction’ thing. I see it as an excuse to carry on sinning. We all have a choice to sin or not.
A Christian lady I know was in despair over her husbands porn use which had gone on for many years. He would stop for a short time and then start again over and over. One day she had enough and said its the porn or me. If you don’t stop I am leaving, and he knew she meant it. Guess what, he stopped just like that, which proves that if a wife is determined the man can stop if he thinks he will loose everything. Up till that time she had not been strong and determined and acted herself.
Most wives don’t take this firm stand and because of that they they enable their husbands porn use. They are fearful of their marriage ending, or of being alone, of having no money etc etc. Another lady I used to know did this, her husband was a pastor and long time porn user, but despite the terrible harm this was doing to their marriage and the spiritual harm to the church, she just did nothing and let it carry on and on. Our of fear of the unknown.
A young lady in my family got married a few years ago. Partly because of having been sexually molested as a child, one of her absolute no no’s in a man was porn use. He claimed that he had looked a little in his teens but hadn’t since then(they were both about 30 when they married). Well 2 weeks after their marriage she found our quite by accident that he had already been looking at porn, and over the weeks and months it gradually came out that he had never stopped looking and it had been going on for about 15 years.The lies and deception were too much, he had married her under completely false pretences, he had lied about it over and over before they married, and they divorced about a year later. She has never regretted ending the marriage.
We can all stop something if we are faced with losing all that we hold dear. Not enough women are prepared to risk making such strong boundaries and sticking to them. If they did things would be very different.
You article caught my eye immediately. I walked a dark path with my husband, and it was extremely painful. But thanks to GOD he brought us through, and God actually worked on me as well. I can now say that my confidence doesn’t rest in my husband, but it comes from the Lord! As I read your article it also caught my eye that your name is Micah. In the middle of our darkest valley God gave us a “surprise ” child. My husband had a vasectomy, but 6 months later I found out I was pregnant. I asked God “Why are you giving me a child now? ” We named her Micah. Now I see that God knew what he was doing. Thank you for your article!
Good afternoon Micah, Thank you so very much for this article. Your information and message is powerful.
I discovered my husband had liked viewing porn right before we married. He and I are both 8 years into our own addiction recovery. We have told me it really wasn’t an issue I had trusted him. We married and started on life together. About a year and a half into our marriage the porn resurfaced again. At which point we sought counciling. The counselor at the time felt he had to separate himself for our sessions and seek separate counciling for his addiction to porn. He found someone to work with, went twice and said he was fine. Over the next year we had a large life change. He had lost his job. This was not due to his addictions, it was just something that happened. We both decided to look out of state for work. He found a great job, and accepted the position. I had to stay back because my child had to finish school and summer camp that year. So we were separated a full eight months. He did come back three times over these eight months but we lived with my mother and our child in a small house and intimacy didn’t exist. Once the moved happened I was a little distant. Scared. Emotional. I had caught him again viewing porn and this time I gave him and ultimatum. Me or it…. he promised it would stop. Two years later, our love life has been completely non-existent. So I did some digging and of course found the websites and much much more. Emails, craigslist, massage parlors, she male porn/prostitution. As I started digging into this I was horrified. So many emotions you had pointed out are exactly how I am feeling right now. Two weeks ago, my husband finally came clean with everything. (Or at least I think). He has admitted to all of the things he has done, and is extremely remorseful. The pain I see in his eyes is the pain I feel today. Instinctively I want to take away his pain. I love him so much! But I am so hurt. I am devastated by his betrayal. The lies, infidelity, the lack of respect for me, the inability to actually recognize when he is going to these places or paying for these services he wasn’t able to actually think about the damage he is doing. He is 100% willing and wanting to get the help he knows he needs to become a better person. To feel better. To live a better life. And this time I know he really means it. I can see it in his actions! I can feel it in my soul. I know he is going to get the help now and not let this addiction rule his life any longer. And for that I am so proud of him.
But where does it leave me. I have put my wanted and needs on hold for our entire marriage. As I found out this has been going on this entire time. The hurt, the devastation, the images, the lies, the dreams, the feeling of pain and anguish. How do I move on. How do I participate in rebuilding this marriage. How do I rid myself of the images, the dreams, and the hurt. How to I put faith into this relationship again. After all he has never been faithful to me. Never. When does the pain start to subside. I am so thankful to know I am not the only woman dealing with these same thoughts and feelings. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.
Hi Tara,
I’m so glad your husband wants to get help. I’d suggest a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) for him.
While he is working with his therapist, you need to find support for yourself. A counselor just for you, someone who can help you process emotions and build healthy boundaries. A group that can help you process the trauma–many women will meet the clinical criteria for PTSD, so be sure you get help! You might appreciate the online resource, Bloom, for additional support.
I think the most important thing here is that he truly does do the work to deal with his addiction and remain faithful to you. Without that work, there is no “participating” on your part!
Peace to you, Kay
Typically they remove my comments from this site because I do not agree with them, nor do I fit in their little dogma box. However, your comment moved me, so I want to respond. Porn addiction can be beaten, not just “recovered” from. It is a bit different than other addictions, which can make it easier or harder depending on whether one truly wants to live or die. Of course we should not encourage one to want to die, so porn addiction can be formidable–impossible without a revelation. I am talking about gone completely, no urge at all. See this revovery nonsensense is a temporary solution, given time one will eventually fall. We are talking about healing a purified heart. As he immerses into the world of porn, one of two outcomes is inevitable. First, time runs out, and he dies in that world. The other, that he sees it for what it is, A BIG LIE. For the second outcome to happen, three things must happen. He must be in God “thought” or prayer continually, something you cannot control. He must see all the efforts required to accomplish the same outcome in porn, and see that it is all those efforts he loves, not so much the outcome. Last, he needs to change his porn efforts into a loving you effort, with intimacy included. Revelation must come for this to work, but I believe for some it will. However, one important caveat to remember, if the porn quits working for him, he will not recover like a drug addict. The hole in his existence is real and must be replaced, it will not disappear. If not, he will truly wish himself to die, the pain is unbelievable and goes deep! I would rather be in porn than have the hole without a replacement. The good news is HIM LOVING YOU AND YOU LOVING HIM is the replacement! Now you can delete it moderator.
Hi Micah, Thank you so much for your article. I have one question. When you are talking about your husband not viewing anything that will trigger lustful desires, what exactly do you mean? Certain television shows? Movies? My husband had a problem with porn for years and He’s finally over coming it. I try to limit certain television shows and such but I feel he’s resenting me for it. I’m having a very hard time being confident and trusting him, even though I do know he’s trying. Do you have any suggestions more than what you’ve highlighted?? Specifically to what your husband doesn’t watch.. As well as how to get back my self esteem and confidence. Thank you!
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