This post has been updated as of February 2021.
Many men don’t realize how damaging pornography is to their wives. Most will admit their wives don’t approve of it. However, this is often because they believe their wives simply view it as “dirty.” Women’s reasons for despising pornography go deeper. For them, it’s a devastating attack that reaches down to their very core.
This is what Max discovered when he and his wife Kelly sought counseling because of his pornography use. Although he knew she wouldn’t like it, Max initially thought there was nothing wrong with occasionally viewing porn. For him it was simply a “guy thing” that he did to relax when he was stressed. Most of his friends were into it too, so how could it be wrong. Besides, to him, the women in pornography were mere “images on a computer screen.” How could that be so offensive? As Kelly expressed how deeply hurt she was by Max’s pornography use, he began to realize how damaging it really was to him, to Kelly, and to their marriage.
While porn harms in many ways, here are three particular ways pornography is devastating your wife:
1. They feel deeply hurt and betrayed.
For them, pornography isn’t simply “images on a screen.” They are other women. Thus, pornography use is a form of adultery. When a man chooses to spend time with pornography, he is choosing to spend time with other women.
Furthermore, he is sharing his sexuality with them, a precious gift that must only be shared with his wife. He is giving away something that belongs to his wife. This is no different than having an extramarital affair. Because pornography depicts men sexually exploiting women, a wife might also end up feeling used in her sexual relationship with her husband.
2. They feel ugly and rejected.
Many young wives don’t object to their husbands viewing pornography because they know they can compete with the young women in porn. However, this view changes with time. Naturally, wives get older, but the women in porn stay young. Here is where a husband’s pornography use gets really hurtful.
A wife in her 40’s may see what her husband is viewing in porn and think to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’m no longer beautiful or sexually desirable. He would rather be with those young women in porn than with me. He wants to replace me.” This can result in wounded self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even body image disorders for wives.
Related: How Can I Restore My Self-Worth After Competing With Pixels
3. Trust is broken.
Most wives feel they have an open and honest relationship with their husbands. They believe they can share anything with each other and they have healthy intimacy. This view disintegrates when a wife discovers her husband viewing pornography. She realizes he has a dark secret life that she never knew about. The man she thought she knew thoroughly for years now seems like a total stranger.
This a very deep trust wound. Not only is her ability to trust her husband damaged, but she also realizes her husband may have never trusted her enough to share his struggles with her. Thus, she realizes the trust she thought she had in their relationship never existed. She begins to wonder what other things in their relationship he has lied about. In addition, she often no longer sees him as a good role model for their children. Her whole image of her husband is destroyed.
Steps Toward a Healthy Marriage
For many women, their husbands’ use of pornography is deeply traumatizing. Some even struggle with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Pornography is so damaging that it plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Unfortunately, men never hear this from the mass media. All they hear is that it is “harmless adult entertainment.” I am convinced that if husbands really knew how damaging pornography use is to wives and marriages, they would never want to go near it.
Fortunately, most people and relationships can, and do, heal from the devastation of pornography. It takes time, patience, and commitment to the healing process. Whenever I work with a couple struggling with the effects of pornography, there are three kinds of counseling I offer:
- I work with the husband to successfully overcome his use of pornography.
- I work with the wife to recover from the trauma caused by her husband’s pornography use.
- I work with the couple to heal the damage caused to their relationship because of pornography use.
Many couples claim they simply want to go back to the way things were before their marriage was damaged by pornography. However, this is not what I recommend. Because pornography use and its root causes often predate the marriage, one or both spouses probably were not healthy when they entered the marriage. The goal of counseling is to help them work on individual and marital healing so that they can create a healthy and happy marriage.
Related: Porn in Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (and How to Heal)
While the healing process seemed daunting for Max and Kelly, they still loved each other and were committed to their marriage. As they worked on their individual healing, they were able to develop a new and healthy marital relationship. For the first time, there were no secrets in their relationship. They felt safe with each other and could talk about everything. They felt truly connected and had a healthy level of intimacy. After several months of therapy, they were truly in love with each other and had the marriage they had always wanted. While they wished they never had to go through their ordeal, they could see how God was using it to give them the marriage they had always wanted and the marriage He wanted for them.
I would like to mention one thing that I noticed that I wish wasn’t Stated in the article. I was looking for an article to send my husband to show him I wasn’t alone in the way pornography makes me feel and this would have been perfect -except- you say that many “young” women may not mind their husbands porn use because they feel they can compete with the women videos. When I first discovered my husband’s issues I was a newly wed with a great physique and was still devastated and felt I couldn’t measure up. No woman can compete with the women of porn because they are just that – women, plural. A new one three times a day if they like. They never get tired or have a bad day or are on their time of the month. They vary by the minute. So I truly wish that wasn’t in your article as I could see a defensive male taking that as evidence of it just being the insecurity of an aging woman. Porn hurts women of all ages. I’m now 37 and so I could see my husband narrowing in on that comment to say my insecurities have more to do with my age than his actions.
Thank you, Sky. I agree with you: young women are just as devastated by their husband’s porn use, in my experience.
I am at my wits end as I write this. My husband and I have been married 36 years. We just started going to counseling two weeks ago..We have not had sex in 10 years. He has had an escalating masturbation/porn addiction since the day we got married.Seven years ago he divorced me for a prostitute half his age he met in Thailand. I took him back and we have been trying to work things out but I honestly don’t think he will ever change. He has re-programmed his mind for 36yrs to only get excited by looking at pictures of girls and masturbating. he has absolutely no desire whatsoever for me at all. Next week I’m going to bring this up to the counselor by myself and see what he says (he is also our pastor.) I will try a little longer but if he doesn’t change soon I will have to leave Him even though I love him and I don’t want to. The rage and anger and resentment I feel inside of me is so intense I can’t handle it anymore. He has put me in a prison where I have to agree to never ever be sexual or feel sexuality ever again-from now until I die. that is cruel unbiblical and wrong. He gets all of his needs met through social media his job his friends and masturbating to porn. I want another man somewhere to tell me I am sexy and beautiful so bad that it makes me want to explode in rage and frustration. Btw I am an extremely attractive sexy beautiful 55-year-old woman and my sexual desire gets stronger every year and this is killing me. I’m trying to love and forgive him like the Bible says but this makes me hate him. I am worried now that even if he changed it tomorrow or if I were to ever get remarried in the future -that I will not be able to overcome this deep anger and rage and feeling of being robbed for so long. Aging is hard enough in this culture for a woman in her 50s even a beautiful one. I feel that he has taken the last 10 years from me-and my best years of beauty and sexuality and stolen them from me. Please pray for me that God will show me what to do but mostly that God will take away/heal…this extreme rage and anger and unvelieveable resentment that I have towards him. thank you. In Christ, ..Mrs.R-from Tx.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
“Rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.”
Proverbs 5:18–19
‘Bible.Org’:-
“Companionship requires that marriage be an intimate relationship. “And they shall become one flesh.” One flesh emphasizes the sexual union (1 Cor. 6:16). Sexual harmony must be built on the foundation of a primary, permanent, exclusive relationship that is growing in trust, openness, and oneness. God made us that way.
If you remove sex from the context of a primary, permanent, exclusive commitment, you will experience a superficial sense of closeness. Paul says that even when a man has sex with a prostitute, he becomes one flesh with her.”
1 Corinthians 6:16.:
“Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”
Matthew 5:27-28:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
(Yes,..this means that every time he KNOWINGLY WILLINGLY DELIBERATELY locks himself in the bathroom for 30minutes Every day ,..3 sometimes 4 times a day…and INTENDEDLY LOOKS, STARES, etc…at pictures of girls on his iphone, etc.,,,…..He is Committing Adultery against me. -I didn’t say that-Jesus just did.
The sad part is that if he would just start having sex with me I honestly wouldn’t gripe or nag about his doing that even.
I have not been kissed in TEN YEARS. He tells me he doesn’t like the way I look (even though everyone who knows me knows I am very attractive,..I keep my hair long & blonde,..I dress really classy and sometimes at night I’ll dress real cute like in shortshorts & sexy outfits..& walk in front of him just to see if he’ll notice.He doesnt. I’m not a prude either. I’ve always loved our sex life (until it stopped in 2009) and I’d be willing to do lots of fun crazy sexy exciting things with him…I’ve been on these Christian websites where they talk about how wonderful their sex lives are as they get older and I think God purposely makes older married sex even more and more fantastic as couples age because we don’t have kids anymore ..and I think that God has given us sex in marriage to help offset some of the hardships of aging.
I think married sex as people get older keeps people young and healthy and vibrant.
I’m just saying this to show that I have not ‘let myself go’-(I realize that a woman’s beauty is very important to a man,..it’s important to me too-I take great pride in my looks.).. I’m just trying to explain that I am not a prude at all.
Thankyou for letting me write this out.
-Mrs. C.
It can be really hard to face the realities of where a spouse’s choices have brought a marriage relationship. I hope you can see that your husband’s choices are not your fault. Because of his choices, there’s no “scriptural” mandate that forces you to continue in the marriage. Every option is open to you, including divorce. I hope your pastor is clear on that reality! Here’s an article that might be helpful as you think this through.
Peace to you,
Kay
A re-read of my 2 June 2019 post hasn’t made me think I’ve been disrespectful, uncaring, blame-shifting or lacking in earnesty.
I’m not sure if this blog is monitored, but I’d relish some thoughtful feedback as my enquiries are genuine. Similarly, I’d hoped my reflections might even shed some fresh light into an old discussion -and that might help bridge the persistent inter-gender misunderstandings.
Sean,
I find your comment from June 2 to be quite interesting, actually. This is a tricky topic of discussion, because sin is sin. God dislikes all sin. I do not believe for one second that God made women to be morally superior to men. However, I do believe that God created our bodies differently. The sexual desires and needs of men and women may be different, which I believe is why men are statistically more attracted to pornography than women are. However, this does not discount the sin of women.
Your thoughts have given me some excellent ideas to write future blog posts for Covenant Eyes. Keep an eye out in the future for more answers to your inquiries!
Blessings,
Moriah
I wonder if the female contributors would help me understand something which seems inherently imbalanced in the porn struggle/discussion.
Firstly though, I’d like to (re)articulate what I believe many men would say about their porn use, and that is that we don’t not love our partners because we view porn. Nor are we proud of the fact that we find ourselves addicted to it. Nor are we as afraid of telling the truth as much as we are afraid of potential over-reaction/misinterpretation about the reasons we are using porn (I get that no-one feels good being deceived – but see my thoughts later on). Nor are we suggesting that our partners are the reason for our porn use. Nor do we believe our partners can/should do more to mitigate our porn usage.
For most of us, we believe it is a problem, and it is our problem, and it is up to us to stop it.
Nonetheless, as I’ve alluded to it, many of us simply don’t understand why it’s so devastating to our partners. An actual affair, I get. Even face-to-face (e.g. workplace) flirtations that are akin to emotional infidelity, I also get. But just viewing porn? I still love my partner, enjoy intimacy with them (albeit, I wish there was more), and have no intent of seeking other real-life sexual relationships. I do see the fantasy as unhealthy and am bothered by the personal weakness that has prevented me from putting to death the sinful desire, but it doesn’t seem to warrant the same devastation a real-work affair would invoke. I could readily accept my partner looking at porn (she doesn’t, and I’m glad that she doesn’t). I understand I might be confronted by that in ways I can’t anticipate, but I also know the degree of seriousness in my mind would be mind-blowingly different to that of finding out she’d actually had sex with another person. Why is that distinction not made so readily by women?
Further, I add that I am a reformed alcoholic and chain-smoker (20+ years free of each). I did, however, hide my smoking from my partner for quite some time -and who was then so devastated by it that I felt treated as if I’d had an affair when she discovered it (yes, I did lie about it – again, shame and fear of her reaction). I get that she hates the lies. But she (and I’m getting to the nub of my enquiry here) has lied to me many times throughout our 30 years. For example;
• “I’m not eating chocolate/unhealthily” (though she’s probably 15 kilos overweight) – her theme seems to be that she’s not overweight for any reason within her control (despite eating too much bad food when I’m not around). I add that I’m also am about 15 kilos overweight and fighting the exact same shame and despair that I have faced with other addictions. But I know squarely whose fault it is, and who needs to do something about it
• “That’s not gossip”
• “I am not avoiding dealing with the children’s poor behaviour(s)” – and then undermining me when I eventually have to wade in
• “I’m not spending too much time socialising/on the phone/at my mum’s etc”
• “I’m not well enough to work” – though very often well enough to be at countless church-related functions
• Etc. etc.
I am cross that my partner takes me such the fool that I can not see the inherent contradictions in her behaviours/lack of action(s)/personal responsibility. Nevertheless, I don’t feel so hurt I should leave her – in fact, it never even crosses my mind. We fight about these things as most couples would, resolve a way forward with not too much residual scarring.
So, to the nub of my enquiry. In God’s economy of creation, did He make women to be so morally superior that they would be so shell-shocked at this failing in their husbands that they’d see porn usage as the equivalent of physical infidelity. BTW, I’m not trying to explain away the way Jesus sees them as the same. Rather, just to understand why women make don’t make the distinction – in the same way that I should, arguably, think hard about divorcing my wife for her gossip, or failure to act responsibly as a mum, and so on.
Have men failed so spectacularly in their sexual purity in a way that women have failed in no other arena of their lives? I would be delighted to hear women speak about the sin that causes them to experience the same level of shame and powerlessness as men feel about their failings in regard to sexual purity. Firstly, I might feel that my partner understands my struggle in a way that I see very little evidence of in any of your discussions/blog comment. Secondly, it might help women locate a different perspective on how they are still valued by their partners/husbands; maybe not feel so devastated by the discovery; show greater empathy and support, instead of self-righteous indignation and judgement. Or is it simply the case that women believe they have no equivalent moral failing from which they need to repent, seek their partner’s support and forgiveness, and/or hope for a reaction that doesn’t seem more automatically like divorce as the most reasonable reaction?
My heart goes out to all those who are struggling with this great lie of satan, along with the pain that goes hand in hand. I was in a marriage for 30 years and porn was a constant presence. My spouse was struggling with it for years and brought it into our marriage without my knowledge.
Some of these comments are disgusting! Seriously? If a woman is “more interesting in bed” a man wouldn’t be interested in porn? Go do research on pornography addiction and you will learn about the dopamine rush of porn and how it destroys intimate relationships. So many of these comments are a total copout, excuse to sin, surfing dangerously close to the devil himself.
I’ve divorced the man that was supposed to be my life partner because I couldn’t fight it anymore. He just did not want to change. I’ve since found love and remarried. Intimacy is far greater than I’ve ever known simply because of honesty and purity.
For those of you struggling with the aftermath of your loved one’s pornography use…. know that you are a beautiful child of the everlasting God. Fearfully and wonderfully created in your mother’s womb. Seek to get your self-worth from God, not man. Do not believe the lies that are being thrown your way. You are beautiful in His eyes, and you can hold your head high!
Can i ask what constitutes as porn. I know the naked heavy stuff but my husband seems to be ok with seeing half naked women in movies and says there’s nothing wrong with it. Am i being over jealous our unreasonable? My self esteem is already damaged from his past porn use..
I don’t think that a definition of porn is really the problem here. The real issue is that you’re uncomfortable with something and your husband doesn’t seem to care. Perhaps you are extra sensitive, but you’ve got good reason to be, given his past behavior. If he is really interested in restoring the relationship, he should be willing to live with the boundaries that are comfortable for you at this point. If he’s not willing to care about how you feel, then what does that mean for the relationship as a whole? Here, here, and here are some articles about boundaries that might be helpful to you as you think this through.
He has No problem having sex with me. It is me that wonders, who is he thinking about. What person did he just look at..ECT..
This article is spot on for me. My husband was addicted before we married but I did not realize it was an addiction. Porn goes further for men than just open internet sites, most movies they can’t watch without seeing nudity or insinuations of some sort that triggers the brain. When I discovered it was a true addiction he would clear history, says he didn’t go there someone at work had his phone, ECT. We have never had a perfect sex life but our work schedules have never been the same. He works and has in the past worked 2nd and 3rd shift, I work days. I go to bed at a normal time and even if he is on days he is up late.. Passed midnight. Playing games, on internet or whatever. It is hurtful and like the guy above he always tried to say it was my fault. Um, nope it was not me, before we married he was addicted. He is 100% to blame for his actions. He can never say I held a gun to him or forced him in anyway to view porn or watch movies with nudity of any type in it. People need to stop blaming others for their actions because when we enter heaven it is YOU whom will be responsible for your sin!
I’m a beautiful woman who loves sex, but I am alone because I hate porn. I wish there was a man who hated porn as much as I do.
Hi, any time I tell others about my experience, friends and family, about my husbands porn use- they immediately assume it was something that I did to cause it or rather what I did not do…Did you try to spice things up, well yes- I wore cute little things to bed and I am in shape- only 120lbs, am a former dancer and work out at the gym 5 days a week. It didn’t stop him from choosing the porn girls over me, he would come home from work early and do it before I got home. Anything a woman could do, would not be as stimulating as the variety they get from porn. I asked him what did I do? He said “nothing, you were very loving.” …but I am 1 woman, I could not be blonde girls, black girls, asian girls… not to mention TEENS…that’s what he desired most…I am 35, again very beautiful but the teen thing made me feel so old to the point I even scheduled an appointment to have labiaplasty. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now and she has tried to persuade me not to have the surgery and so for now I will be consuming myself with transforming our house, painting, decorating. We are separated and I am refinancing it to lower the payment, preparing for my divorce. I always thought I would be married for life, my husband was my best friend- my protector…now I feel I must protect myself from him. He knew I opposed to porn before we were married and told me he found it repulsive. I had a friend who’s husband jerked it to the teens and I told him when we were first dating, that if it were me I would leave. He agreed at the time. So I knew about the porn world but always kept it away, never realizing it would come into my home. I was opposed to porn even as a dancer, I was only in a bikini but saw what that industry did, how it exploited women…so I stayed in school and eventually earned my BA in Social Work. The choice for me to leave was starting to become obvious, as I do not depend on him financially or have children. I married for love, he is in lawn service and look where that got me? I was told as a little girl that someday I would fall in love with the man of my dreams and it was just be us two, no one tells you that you will be one of hundreds, thousand.s. There was not place for me in his virtual harem, he developed PIED, couldn’t even function with me, would go soft within a minute. I told him I am married not dead….but after this experience I have lost my sex drive, hopefully it will come back.
I’m so sorry, Casey. I think people blame because they are afraid. They’re afraid that what happened to you will happen to them, so they blame. It’s terrible to think that you can do everything right, and your spouse can still make these awful choices that destroy the marriage AND–sadly enough–his own life and sex drive. It’s just heart-breaking. Recovery absolutely is possible for you! I hope you’re finding support–a counselor would be great, groups can be so helpful. And I recently came across an online space for women, called Bloom. You might appreciate the trauma-focused recovery resources there. Peace to you, Kay