This post has been updated as of February 2021.
Many men don’t realize how damaging pornography is to their wives. Most will admit their wives don’t approve of it. However, this is often because they believe their wives simply view it as “dirty.” Women’s reasons for despising pornography go deeper. For them, it’s a devastating attack that reaches down to their very core.
This is what Max discovered when he and his wife Kelly sought counseling because of his pornography use. Although he knew she wouldn’t like it, Max initially thought there was nothing wrong with occasionally viewing porn. For him it was simply a “guy thing” that he did to relax when he was stressed. Most of his friends were into it too, so how could it be wrong. Besides, to him, the women in pornography were mere “images on a computer screen.” How could that be so offensive? As Kelly expressed how deeply hurt she was by Max’s pornography use, he began to realize how damaging it really was to him, to Kelly, and to their marriage.
While porn harms in many ways, here are three particular ways pornography is devastating your wife:
1. They feel deeply hurt and betrayed.
For them, pornography isn’t simply “images on a screen.” They are other women. Thus, pornography use is a form of adultery. When a man chooses to spend time with pornography, he is choosing to spend time with other women.
Furthermore, he is sharing his sexuality with them, a precious gift that must only be shared with his wife. He is giving away something that belongs to his wife. This is no different than having an extramarital affair. Because pornography depicts men sexually exploiting women, a wife might also end up feeling used in her sexual relationship with her husband.
2. They feel ugly and rejected.
Many young wives don’t object to their husbands viewing pornography because they know they can compete with the young women in porn. However, this view changes with time. Naturally, wives get older, but the women in porn stay young. Here is where a husband’s pornography use gets really hurtful.
A wife in her 40’s may see what her husband is viewing in porn and think to herself, “How can I compete? He must think I’m ugly. I’m no longer beautiful or sexually desirable. He would rather be with those young women in porn than with me. He wants to replace me.” This can result in wounded self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and even body image disorders for wives.
Related: How Can I Restore My Self-Worth After Competing With Pixels
3. Trust is broken.
Most wives feel they have an open and honest relationship with their husbands. They believe they can share anything with each other and they have healthy intimacy. This view disintegrates when a wife discovers her husband viewing pornography. She realizes he has a dark secret life that she never knew about. The man she thought she knew thoroughly for years now seems like a total stranger.
This a very deep trust wound. Not only is her ability to trust her husband damaged, but she also realizes her husband may have never trusted her enough to share his struggles with her. Thus, she realizes the trust she thought she had in their relationship never existed. She begins to wonder what other things in their relationship he has lied about. In addition, she often no longer sees him as a good role model for their children. Her whole image of her husband is destroyed.
Steps Toward a Healthy Marriage
For many women, their husbands’ use of pornography is deeply traumatizing. Some even struggle with symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Pornography is so damaging that it plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Unfortunately, men never hear this from the mass media. All they hear is that it is “harmless adult entertainment.” I am convinced that if husbands really knew how damaging pornography use is to wives and marriages, they would never want to go near it.
Fortunately, most people and relationships can, and do, heal from the devastation of pornography. It takes time, patience, and commitment to the healing process. Whenever I work with a couple struggling with the effects of pornography, there are three kinds of counseling I offer:
- I work with the husband to successfully overcome his use of pornography.
- I work with the wife to recover from the trauma caused by her husband’s pornography use.
- I work with the couple to heal the damage caused to their relationship because of pornography use.
Many couples claim they simply want to go back to the way things were before their marriage was damaged by pornography. However, this is not what I recommend. Because pornography use and its root causes often predate the marriage, one or both spouses probably were not healthy when they entered the marriage. The goal of counseling is to help them work on individual and marital healing so that they can create a healthy and happy marriage.
Related: Porn in Marriage: Its Harmful Effects on Relationships (and How to Heal)
While the healing process seemed daunting for Max and Kelly, they still loved each other and were committed to their marriage. As they worked on their individual healing, they were able to develop a new and healthy marital relationship. For the first time, there were no secrets in their relationship. They felt safe with each other and could talk about everything. They felt truly connected and had a healthy level of intimacy. After several months of therapy, they were truly in love with each other and had the marriage they had always wanted. While they wished they never had to go through their ordeal, they could see how God was using it to give them the marriage they had always wanted and the marriage He wanted for them.
What I am wondering, is how do you find your husband’s secret email accounts or these chat folders or anything hidden on his computer? He’s savvy enough to be deleting his browsing history, every time he’s done and he swears he never engages with anyone, chats, emails, meets or any other kind of interaction with these girls….but could he be lying? I wonder. Right now, he is deciding whether he wants to quit looking at porn, whether he wants to start the recovery process and whether he wants to start marriage counseling. He’s deciding if he even still has feelings for me anymore. He’s asked for some time away from me so he can think. So we have separated, for the time being. Today, he did allow me to put CE on his laptop, which I took as a good sign……but like it’s been stated, if he wants to keep looking, he will find a way. I am just so sad right now, and I can’t stop crying. It so hard for me to sit still and wait. I love him so much…maybe too much. This whole website has been an eye opener for me. Reading all the comments, after each article has been an education, for sure. It’s also made me so nervous. My husband has gone over a year without watching porn before, but always returns to it. That’s so defeating to me, because I think “will it ever be over?” Could we really ever live a life together where there is no porn standing in the middle of us? God, I pray it’s possible. We lack a support group, or church group, or close friends……or anyone really that we can turn to. I am just not sure we will make it without that.
Dear AS, Please don’t sit and wait for him to decide. You can start your own support group. You may be surprised at the numbers of interested women. A woman I know put an ad in her local paper about starting a support group for spouses of porn/sex addicts. She used a new email address so the whole town wouldn’t know who she was and she got a very good response from local women and even one man whose wife was a sex addict. It won’t hurt to give it a try and your husband will see that you are not sitting there waiting for him to decide what to do next. YOU decide. Also, some Al-anon meetings, 12 step programs are all inclusive for dealing with any type of addiction. I live in a small town and our Al-anon meetings are for spouses dealing with any type of addiction, whether it be alcohol, narcotics, gambling, porn or sex addictions. So, while it would be nice to belong to a support group specifically dealing with porn/sex addiction, there are often other options too. My whole point is, please don’t sit back and wait for your porn addict husband to make all the decisions for your marriage. Addicts are not very good at making important life decisions. Please take the matter into your own hands and make some decisions for yourself that will help you in the end, no matter what he or you decide. Hugs and prayers to you.
Thanks, Jeanie. It is so, so important for women to be proactive in their own recovery from porn. I can’t tell you how many times I see a wife who has had NO help for her own symptoms of trauma, even though her husband is “sober” and the marriage is “saved.” There are counselors out there and good support groups available. I’ve had women get great support from Al-Anon, too. Thinking about our own healthy boundaries is such an important part of the recovery process! Peace, Kay
I’m so thankful there are some truly sorrowful men that don’t blame their wives for this addiction. My husband sounds like ya’ll and I’m trying to hang on to the glimmer of hope. He recognizes this is his fault and started before we were married. He is seeking help.
For those of you who think a “fitter, sexier, more sexually amorous, sweeter” wife would solve your problems please take note that when I first discovered my husbands porn 8 years ago I was 22, fit, beautiful stay at home mother of 1 child who volunteered at pre-school & Sunday school and had/have hobbies such as yoga, dancing & vegetarian living. I never turned down his advances (but he rarely had any because he preferred porn). I slept alone many nights at the peak of my 20’s! A few years and 2 more babies later I’m a bit more tired but based on what I have seen on his “chats” and porn aside from Surgical enhancement I am more beautiful than any of those women! I am an artist and have painted beautiful paintings for my husband out of love, make his favorite meals (beef & I’m vegetarian) send sexy photos of myself & invite him to bed-because I wanted too NOT because I wad afarid of him acting out sexually. He was/is STILL ADDICTED to PORN and I refuse to make myself a substitute for that by changing myself or what I am comfortable with. Now I am stand-offish and not as sexually interested in HIM because I’ve been hurt. If you are a man looking at porn or finding women on the internet this is YOUR problem & your wife is likely acting the way she is because she’s been in a unsatisfying marriage for years!
Wow, what a testimony. Yes mam, there are those of us men who know we goofed and are trying to combat this head on. Can I give you areas that I am working on that is helping me? Maybe you’ve tried this, maybe not, so please consider these areas. I know you stated he is seeking help, which is fantastic, but this has helped me. Covenant Eyes filters, sounds like you have this, but use this tool to the max. I block areas that I know have available pornographic areas. http://www.yahoo.com is one of them (the video section) that one was an area that was a trouble spot for me, so I blocked it. YouTube is another, I was able to find / look for hardcore pornography on it, so I blocked it. Anytime I need to get on it I have to have another in the family put in their passwords and sit there while I look up what I need. All of our computers internet is disabled, only “one” is internet capable and has Covenant Eyes on it. I do not own a smartphone or any gadget that is internet capable. I do not trust myself in a possible weak moment and feel I am not ready for this, I may never get one and this does not bother me one bit. Television has strict filters that only my wife has, as does she for every computer in the house. No “MA” can be watched, nothing with sex in the ratings and the internet and TV have strict timeframes that keep anyone from those late night / early morning sessions, these were tempting times for me. Sure, there are other ways to get around this, but I want out of this pit and with the help of my Lord I am climbing out and burying the hole as I do. He has to want to change or he’ll never receive the help he needs. Just like salvation, it’s there for us to “receive.” I have changed a bad habit for good ones like exercise, Bible studies which leave me feeling satisfied and a feeling of “productivity”. Our gadgets suck this away even when we are not doing anything bad. I know that if he can get away from gadgets for a few days and implement some good habits, he’ll be on his was. Again, this is what is helping me and in 2 more days I will be “40 days” porn free.
Again, what a testimony, I am truly sorry you are going through this and may The Lord work on his heart.
I can so so related to this!
I have heard or read much if what Peter writes in the initial article many, many times before. They are all true and spot on. But there was one thing he wrote that dropped me like a ton of rocks. In the 3rd way about trust, he mentions how the wife realizes that her husband never trusted her enough to share his struggles. Oh my goodness, what an eye-opening statement. When I have failed to be open and honest with my wife, does she feel that I don’t trust her? I guess I have never really thought about that. Sure, my wife’s trust in me has been minimal or non-existent due to years of pornography, I get that and accept it. But I now realize that my secretness and deception also proclaim to her that I don’t trust her. That statement brings about a whole new way of thinking for me that will benefit both of us in the route of restoration and victory. Thank you!
Point #2,
You echo the statements of many men I have run into when I initially got into recovery for my own addiction. It’s everyone’s fault but my own. If only she was skinnier, if only she was, etc… the list goes on. Strangely enough, one by one they all start to realize that the porn use was only symptomatic of a much deeper problem. Emotional abandonment by their parents when they were young, possible sexual abuse when young, lack of any real intimacy in their lives, a distrust of those around them, being convinced that everyone was out to get them, and the list goes on and on. “whats wrong with just a little lust” we are often asked, then told to replace the lust word with murder, raping, or stealing, and wonder why it doesn’t make sense anymore. You can justify your use of pornography all you want, and be convinced that there is nothing wrong with it at all, but no matter how much you think or hear that it’s all the wife’s fault, just read the many replies on this website of wives in a huge amount of hurt. Where does that hurt come from? No matter how ugly, insensitive, sexually unavailable, or nagging (your words) they may be, does that justify the hurt they now feel? It would take an extremely self-centered, callous man to say yes. If porn is okay, then why does it scar people so deeply?
Your argument about Hollywood stereotypes and feminism defeating men is quite accurate, you believe exactly the same lies and that’s why porn is okay.
Take a hard look in the mirror, I had to, and it wasn’t easy to face.
I am very thankful I came across this article because I actually was beginning to think I was crazy. After finding a secret email address my husband had and entering it in the search engine, the things I found broke my heart. I feel everything that you stated. Yet my husband thinks I should just get over it. We’ve been separated for 2 years but married for 16 years this May. Thing is, I believe he’s always found other women more attractive then me and I’m even questioning why we even married. He’s not the type of man that likes to deal with anything stressful. If he ignores it, it will go away . Leaving me with the burden of broken trust. He finally told me he wasn’t attracted to me and I now wonder if he ever was. How does one heal themselves? I’m sadly going to finally file for divorce but it breaks my heart because even after all he’s put me through, I still love him. Thanks for listening .
Hey Lori. I am so, so sorry for the heartbreak you’re experiencing.
I think you’ve said something very insightful about your husband: he does not like to deal with anything stressful. Men in our culture are not empowered to understand and process their emotions well. Instead, they are told things like “big boys don’t cry” and “be a man” and “boys will be boys”–all common messages that teach men to repress emotion and to act out instead. Pornography fits right into that set of messages: “boys will be boys”–it’s normal to look at women as objects; “big boys don’t cry”–use porn to repress and avoid emotion, etc.
You CAN heal from this pain. Find a counselor to help you process your emotions and think objectively about what happened in the marriage. Find a group–you might be interested in Divorce Care at this point for that specific piece of support. Find online communities of women who’ve been where you are. Even though your husband has made these sad choices, YOU can make healthy choices, YOU can heal. And you don’t have to do it alone!
Blessings, Kay
Lori E,
No matter what you look like to your husband, he needs a way to justify why he seeks out porn. Wether it be looks, personality, what you say, how you act. how you make him feel etc. unless a person says I make this decision because I choose this…they will always blame others, usually it is the person closest to them. This is in all forms of addictions. I am sorry you are going through this. Take heart that there is a hope and a future for you that is beyond the here and the now, moment by moment cast your cares upon Him.
Taking the responsibility to say you have hurt me and this effects how I feel about abc or I would drove for you to be more supportive in this area, or help me with etc….BUT to use those needs or desires and replace it with choices the person makes is up to the person making the choice. You can be responsible for ONLY YOU, he is responsible for himself. What we choose to say or do is our choice no matter what or who effects us. We will be accountable for our behavior and how we responded. If my child is screaming and crying all week out of pain and sickness or just downright being difficult…and I respond by going out and drinking or whatever because I don’t make the decision to handle my emotions in a healthy way….CAN I BLAME MY CHILD for this action? Can I tell my child because you are acting this way mom now does this to keep my sanity, it helps me to relax….etc. Think of the weight on the shoulders and whom would dare the responsibility of ones actions? Do NOT hold his weight, pray for him, pray his eyes would be open and you would deb free of his burden and weight.
Pray for strength and a clear conscience focus on your heart and relationship with the Lord and all others around you. It hurts, It Hurts so badly, there is a wound that feels like it will never heal. There is healing!
I was always more sexually active then my husband. I weigh 95 lbs and after 2 children now 36 people still think I am in my early 20s.
Porn was not something I felt even though I was young and attractive, that I felt okay to compete with ever. Instead it made me feel like I was never good enough! If I could be in porn myself and model etc. and be the woman on the video or in the magazine….and he turned me down in real life. How could I be ever enough???
I was not about me me me me either. I was a laid back adventure seeker, we net and he only owned a backpack, he drove my vehicle to work while I walked, lol kind of relationship.
He had been exposed to porn at a very very young age of 7. He had been battling an addiction long before I came into the picture. I even was interested in viewing it WITH him when we met and he said no and that he never was interested in that stuff. Years went on, many many sleepless nights of undressing and making romantic evenings when he would come home from work.. only to hear him say goodnight and a kiss on the sheik sorry I am so tired…etc.
Now after betrayal of real life adultery and hurt not just porn, I have a very hard time to even view sex as something it was for me years ago :( it’s hard and it hurts, and there are parts of you that will die, and parts that will grow that you didnt even know where there inside your heart. It hurts so much more when you love your spouse so much and just want to have an open communication and not the lies and you want to work through it, and you want transparency. That is where the healing comes as well. You will need to decide what you need to do for you in the future of what you desire and work towards that. We have a better marriage now then ever, but it is not perfect, nor did I ever expect it to be. I do not try to seek out intimacy with him and let him just take it over in that area as I can’t handle being turned down anymore it just brings back to many sad years.
Well said Kay.
Muslims blame women for their lusting and rape. It’s truly disgusting. And he wonders why women become feminists…not that I approve of their beliefs now.
This article angers me to a certain extent. Another article that focuses on all the needs of the wife and portrays the husbands as bad. I have seen more women destroy the lives of their husbands than I can imagine. Never see articles on this do we? It is always the guys who are the cause. There are REASONS why men watch porn or see hookers or cheat. Trust me, it isn’t because they have a great, in shape wife, that is fun at home and who is sweet and supportive as can be.
Let’s look at point #2. For women, it is all about competition with other women. This is always the story with women. Always. Women manipulate through beauty when they are young and when they can no longer do this, they get worried. Hmmm. But, apparently, it is okay to use that beauty when they are young and, then, when they are older and can no longer do that — they become victims of some sort??? Really??? Is that how it works. No accountability of women on both ends of that, but that is how it goes in modern day America. There is absolutely no accountability for the actions of women.
You know what contributes to 50% divorces?
1) A nagging wife with unrealistic expectations about what a marriage is and what it takes to maintain a marriage.
2) A wife that is never happy and there is always something wrong or not up to par.
3) A wife that is all about me, me, me, me, me. Notice how women are all competing with each other for the perfect life. What is the first thing they ask — what does he do? Is it because they are interested in his job? Nope. They are interested in what kind of paycheck that job can provide and hence, what lifestyle they can gain.
4) Feminism — notice how all men are idiots now and women are perfect? Every sitcom has the smart wife and the idiot husband. I don’t know when exactly it became okay to classify men now as idiots all the time. Amazing how every woman can do anything they want now and behind her is some idiot husband that is just lucky to have her. Amazing how every movie as a 110 pound woman kicking the butts of men and groups of men. I have been to a war zone. That is not at all realistic. God forbid if a war ever happens on American soil. Feminists are going to find out just exactly how that illusion is a lie. Katniss Everdeen is not saving the day. More than likely she is dying or getting raped. But you know what? Maybe all us idiot men who can do no right should just sit out that war and let women fight it. Give women what they want. Let them have it all and do it all!!! By the way — have you noticed marriage rates and remarrying rates —- guys are checking out of society in droves. Good luck with that America. Good luck.
It all gets tiring. Throw in women who are now massively out of shape and in marriages where the sex is boring. Well guess what — guys want out because marriage at some point does not benefit them at all. Dont people get that yet? There is not upside for men in marriage any longer. None. But all you have to look at is point #2. Read between the lines. For women, it is all about me, me, me, me, me.
As for role models for children? Who are we kidding? Look at every female star in Hollywood. They are all taking off their clothes. More women now are strippers, hookers, webcam girls, escorts, models, sexting, and sending out nude pictures than you can imagine. The husband watching porn on his laptop is not the problem and parents are foolish to think he is. Why not go tell those millions of women that I just wrote about to stop doing what they are doing? After all, they have the ultimate power — stop taking off your freaking clothes to get what you want. Trust me — the Kardashians are more of role models to your kids than you know.
But again — it is all the males fault. We are just the idiots in sitcoms and it is all our faults. Women are saints. SMH.
What you’re doing here is blaming wives for the husband’s behaviors. Blame is a defensive substitute for personal responsibility. When a man uses porn, that is his choice. It is not his wife’s fault. She is responsible for herself and her choices, but she doesn’t force her husband to look at porn. That is his choice. He has the responsibility for his own behavior, and no one else.
I find that people generally place blame when they are ashamed of their own behavior. The more blame, the more shame the blamer is feeling. The solution to this is not to continue to place blame on others, but rather to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices.
The problem is this: telling women they have to dress or behave in certain ways so that men won’t lust, just doesn’t work. My husband and I both grew up in very conservative churches where this sort of “purity” message to women was the norm. And what do we have today in that same conservative church world? A huge percentage of men using porn. It just doesn’t work to expect women to do things right so that men won’t lust.
What really works, in the real world, is individual men and women taking responsbility for themselves before God. Yes, we love one another and treat each other with dignity and respect–treating others with respect is inherent to good boundaries. But what we don’t do is expect other people to take responsbility for us. When we do that, we’re falling back onto the oldest excuse in the book: “the woman that thou gavest me.”
Until we get past that idea that women are at fault for the choices men make (or that men are at fault for the choices women make) we’ll always have that same old excuse for living in a mess. When in fact, there’s freedom and life and hope available. It just never, ever comes without being honest before God about your own stuff, and letting God work and heal.
As long as we’re blaming others for our problems, we’re blocking that healing work from our lives.
Blessings, Kay
You’re deflection and blame shifting is amusing. You sound like my PA hubby. There is no true repentance in his heart.
Point #2, You sound exactly like my husband prior to his treatment for Porn Addiction. After treatment though, he saw the whole world in an entirely different way. First & foremost, he found God. Second, he refound me…his wife…his life partner…his true love. And I do love him…oh how I love him. But he didn’t know that because he was too busy blaming me for everything…that is…until his eyes were opened & he realized it wasn’t all about me me me me. It was all about him him him him. My husband had no empathy for me until the all consuming, self serving behavior was elininated from his life. So, is there something you’re not sharing with us?
A nagging wife is no different from a husband with impossible expectations;
A wife that is never happy is no different from a husband who is never satisfied.
A wife that is all about “me me me” is no different from a husband that is all about his sexual desires;
An ideology that all men are idiots is no different from an ideology that women are merely sex tools.
You are right -those women do destroy a marriage. So too, men often destroy marriage with their selfishness. Marriage is a bond of love between two people; love is about putting another before yourself. It takes both partners to make it work. Selfishness on either’s part causes the marriage to crumble.
P.S. <= a man who watched his parents' marriage fall apart because a woman who expected perfection from a guy who wouldn't give up pornography. Their marriage could have been saved if they both would have taken responsibility. It taught me to vow that I would do anything it took to keep pornography from ruining my marriage.
My prior comment should say that my husband experienced serious erectile dysfuntion not serious erectile function. He definitely did not function; he dysfunctioned.
Hi Jeanie…
I am guilty to what you stated above. My wife also “never” turned me down, heck, she has a high sex drive herself. Whenever I viewed porn, I never felt content or satisfied at any level. What was really weird is that I could view porn and masturbate several times a day. “But” when I was with my wife sexually, it was a rare thing to be able to have sex twice…because I was totally satisfied and felt no guilt. It seemed the more I viewed porn the more guilt I felt and with the guilt the more I reached out to get the “reward” chemical to make me feel better. I was reaching out for a quick fix to help with the anxiety I either brought upon myself or what was brought upon me by the common stresses we tend to get by daily activities. I have had to really get drastic and set really strict filters an codes to everything.
I really do love my wife and find her attractive, I can’t speak for your husband, but there really is a pull with this stuff and the longer we (as men) can be away from it (porn) a strength does begin that is able to pull away from the little triggers that use to get us so easily. I would even shy away from picking with him sexually, for some of the key words or “phrases” we pick as adults with our spouses can be triggers that pull us into those porn videos in our mind.
Best wishes for your family
My husband STILL has sexual and emotional anorexia even AFTER we installed CE. If he wants to view porn, he’ll find a way to do it. My h has proven that five times in the last year and a half and even separating didn’t wake him up. Porn blocking software might help, but if he really wants his drug, he’ll find a way. Mine did.
I’m tired of being alone. I’m done with my marriage. I told him tonight that he has killed all the love I felt for him and I feel nothing for him at this point.
Hi Anne of VA….
Yes, unless he is determined to fight it, he will seek it out….I did, even after installing Covenant Eyes. After I had my episode I was so sick with myself because I had gone over 100 days of being clean. I did not let it deter me though and decided to block the site (through Covenant Eyes software) that made it available for me to lust. It’s blocked now. Even though I was able to lust before I blocked it, everything was detailed in the report, so there was no denying anything. Covenant Eyes is like any tool, it must be used correctly to achieve the job desired for the results desired.
Yeah, I could buy another computer or device or make a trip to the local X-rated video store to seek it out, but somehow I just can not get myself to do that….it’s not that great of pull for me. “But” put me in a home with the availability and I’m finished. My heart does go out to him, I know that uncontrollable pull…at least to a point. If I was going to loose my wife I believe the internet and TV would be in the trash can.
I am sure your story is not uncommon for sure…best wishes.
Anne of VA….
Check out a YouTube video “Pornography Addiction Seminar – Dr. Jason Hunt”, his background may be Mormonism….he quoted Joseph Smith. “But” the information he presented was absolutely awesome and I learned a lot about overcoming porn. Maybe you can glean some insight and possibly help your husband out, I really think this would be helpful.
God bless
“D’s” response to Jeanie was very interesting. How many men can say that they masterbated several times in a day yet there is only one or no “release” during sexual activity with their spouse. He said it was because he was totally satisfied and felt no guilt in sex with his wife. WOW! That’s how God intended it to be! We get caught up in our sex-saturated culture on performance and the “goal” but that is not at all what God designed. When a man and wife are engaged in such intimacy, that’s what it is, intimacy. It is complete, not just a physical release. The masturbation is a quick candy bar on the road. Snickers may say “it satisfies” but it only pacifies. Why might a man be able to do this frequently in a day? Because it is not complete, it is a cheap and superficial imitation for true intimacy. That also supports one of the main reasons why God declares sex outside of marriage as wrong, in the act you and your partner become one. This can be God-ordained in the realm of marriage or it can be guilt inducing and sin fulfilling outside of that realm.
Jeanie your previous comment was right on. Thank You! My husband was surely neglecting my sexual needs in preference to porn & we got married when I was 20! This has been going on for 10 years…I thought he had a low libido! I tried to stop coming on so strong and started working out ALOT to combat my sexual frustration. I actually consider myself more attractive than some of the women he was looking at (when I found his videos) and definitely more so than the average women he was finding on chats. Bottom line this program has ZERO to do with the wife.
Jeanie, You are correct. You are not correct because you are a woman and see it from a woman’s point of view you are correct because of the facts.
What a husband’s porn use is to a wife, a wife’s sexual refusal or nugatory attitudes toward his physicality and sexuality is to a husband. And it’s arguably every bit as real, prevalent, and devastating as porn.
Hmm… Piquant comment. Does male pornography use really equate to female sexual power plays? Well, any takers for this one? Luke (from the feminist standpoint)? Kay (from the incontestable wisdom of “boundaries”)?
Wow!
Greg…those are two different issues UNLESS her refusal has anything to do with her husband’s porn/objectification use FIRST. After that, everything goes downhill FAST.
Well Greg, let me tell you something. Many women, me included, have never refused our husbands. My husband and I had a fantastic sex life until we got the internet for our business. With the internet, came curiosity on my husband’s part, and that curiosity eventually turned into a full blown porn addiction. He began refusing me. Most porn addicted men would rather masturbate to porn than be with their wives. Don’t you know that? One night, I attempted to make love to my husband, but he told me how terribly tired he was and fell asleep. I woke up a couple of hours later, and found him in our den watching porn. I came up to him, put my arms around him & asked him if he needed help from me. He said, “No, I just got up to use the bathroom & I’m going back to bed.” He returned to bed, & appeared to fall right to sleep again. I was pretending to sleep. About 10 mins later, he went back to the den & turned the porn back on. I quietly followed him & watched him pleasure himself to the lovely “thing” on the screen. When he was done, I said, “I guess you just didn’t want me.” My husband’s response was, “Sorry.” Does that not explain that my husband was more interested in the women on the screen, than me? This went on all the time in my house. My husband got so badly addicted that when he did say yes to sex with me (rarely), he experienced serious erectile function. He could only get off to porn and masturbation. He was unable to perform with me. And the fact is, he preferred porn to me. But now today, my husband is 6 yrs into healing. He quit porn, and our sex life is finally getting back to normal. He is able to perform with me again, thank God. And, his interest is with me again. He comes to me now, instead of running to the computer for sex. All the women who I know are going through this. The women I know did not refuse their husbands. I don’t believe that women refusing their husbands is as prevalent and devastating as porn. Some women refuse their husbands because of porn…yes…I will give you that. Porn takes away the intimacy that women want to experience with their husbands. Wives do not want to be a depository for their husbands who are all fired up over the women in porn. I want my husband to be all fired up over me. For most women, sex has to go deeper than having a husband who is turned on by every good looking woman in front of him. You sound like one of those guys who just doesn’t get it, and probably never will. With deep, true love, husband & wife will always get what they need. But when a man has the mindset of “Oh, it’s okay to look as long as I don’t touch”, neither husband or wife will ever be happy…guaranteed!
Thanks, Jeanie. I think you’re reflecting the experience of so many women in this situation. Thanks for speaking up. Kay
Nothing like blaming your wife for YOUR sin. I don’t think that’s in the Bible.
My husband and I had sex every other day …until he did porn. Ya know why that changed? He was masturbating to porn and didn’t need nor want ME anymore. I laid in bed every night waiting for him and for all those years, he was satisfying himself with another woman. Or, many other women.
There is NO excuse for a man’s porn use. None. And he has to either chose porn or his wife.
There’s no doubt pornography has a negative effect on a marriage, but most of these articles don’t or won’t discuss is why a spouse is turning to porn in the first place. An active, healthy sex life in a marriage should leave little room for a spouse to stray either to view pornography or into the arms of another person.
I have found that pornography is typically the method a person uses to vent sexual desires that are not being fulfilled by their spouse. The root cause of a spouse feeling neglected, undesireable and gaining distrust in their spouse can usually be found somewhere else. Pornography is almost always a symptom not the cause of the issues in a marriage. Those can typically be found resting squarely on the shoulders of both partners and needs clear communication or even counseling to resolve.
You never cure an illness by just treating the symptom. Treat what’s at the root to truly cure the symptom of pornography use in a marriage.
I will agree with you here: you have to treat the root cause.
However, your idenitification of the root cause is completely wrong.
You are wrong in your assumption that people turn to porn because their spouse isn’t doing enough for them sexually.
This is simply untrue.
What’s more, this puts the responsibility on the partner to provide what the addict wants, rather than putting the responsibility where it truly lies: with the person making those choices.
There can be a number of root causes: early childhood exposure, trauma-bonding, lack of emotional intelligence, spiritual searching, and on and on and on. The person making those choices needs to identify the causes and deal with them.
Saying that it’s the partner who just needs to give them more sex? That’s a bandaid on a tumor.
Trust me, every wife tries this method of porn prevention, and it does not work.
You might want to read up: Pure Desire or Surfing for God are great places to start.
Wow I feel like I wrote this! As a wife who has been hurt by porn, thank you so much for taking my feelings exactly and writing them out for me. I showed it to my husband as well. Looking to Christ and Him alone for healing and a restored marriage. I know He will do that, it just hurts a lot right now! Thanks for the encouragement!
Blessings to you, Ruby. Healing and hope to you today! Kay
What do you do when your husband refuses to get counseling or admit that he has a problem when you’ve found mountains of evidence that prove otherwise? He said he will never answer questions about it.
It’s time to consider what healthy boundaries would look like, given the reality of your situation. Here, here, and here are some articles that may help.
You are not a slave to sin, including your husband’s sin. No matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole and free from his choices.
Peace,
Kay
Well….. # 2 makes me laugh I know who I am in Christ…. What it has done to me is totally grossed me out…. No desire whatsoever for him to be near me he says he ask God to come into his heart for the 3rd time in the 10 years I’ve known him…… Ummmmmmmm something doesn’t add up….. Totally fed up
It sounds like you’re getting wise to the patterns of his addiction. You might be interested in some articles on boundaries: here, here, and here are some ideas that might help.
get over it , if guys don’t watch porn they cheat, also if you were more interesting in bed he wouldn’t watch that much. my wife dosnt mind, we both work a lot masturbation is healthy.
As a wife I watch just as much porn my husband. We have a very healthy sex drive and love to share our fantasies. l Maybe you need to talk more openly with your husbands and make them feel safe to talk to you too. You might find your happier for it. Or maybe you aren’t compatible and were too afraid to open about it. We were open from date number one. We both had a rule of if we scared away a date because they couldn’t handle it then they weren’t worth it. Married almost 15 years, together 18 years.
As the husband who committed this offense to my wife’s heart and self image I gotta say that while I was doing it I didnt think it was a big deal and the girls in the pics and movies weren’t real. There are many reasons men watch porn and in the end it doesnt matter the reason the fact is that it hurts them. My wife thought I didnt find her sexy anymore and thought I wanted somebody else. The sad thing is my wife looks like a pkrn star to me to this very day. And I hate to tell you guys but it is a big deal. It doesnt matter if the girl is in a move , in a pic, or in the flesh. The fact is that you (and myself) were thinking and looking at another woman in a sexual light and that constitutes cheating. Imagine how you would feel if your wife was looking at nudes pictures of men that were not you and looking at his penis thinking how much she liked it. You probably wouldn’t like it to much and it would proba ly hurt your feeling and you would probably feel like crap wondering if she liked him better than you. Not a good feeling. And the worst part is knowing that you caused the woman that adores you to feel rejected by you which is heartbreaking. Kibosh the porn. Be brave.