3 Keys to Life Beyond Porn

Hopelessness is an overwhelming emotion. It can completely block out the light at the end of the tunnel. Thoughts of surrender, running away, fear, shame and more run through your mind.

As I reflect on my personal journey of freedom from the grip porn had over my life, I was flooded with reminders of the hopelessness I encountered. Many days over the many years, I wondered if I would ever find freedom and peace. I was sick and tired of the shame I was dragging around.

I’ve had many arguments with God and been downright angry He hasn’t taken away the desire to watch porn. He has taken away other desires, like cussing, swearing, coarse jokes, going to strip clubs and such. Just like a light switch, He turned those things off.

Do I still ask God why He hasn’t? Yes, but as He told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:7-9). And it’s by this promise that I ask Christ to help me rest and persevere.

Faith

Freedom will not be found in our own strength. In fact, we begin to find freedom as we recognize and acknowledge our weakness to overcome the porn’s deceptive pull. Pray daily and surrender your control to defeat sexual brokenness.

This battle is not won in isolation. We need foxhole friends to walk the battleground with us. The Bible says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (James 5:16). This is accountability defined.

A powerful tool on my road to freedom was using Covenant Eyes. It is an effective form of accountability, and I still use it today. However, the Accountability Partner you choose is the linchpin to that chain. Select someone who will hold your feet, heart and soul to the fire without compromise.

Trust Christ to set you free. Faith is being sure of what is unseen. Maybe as you’re reading this, freedom is unseen. Or maybe, like me, you wonder if it could ever even come. Faith is the lifeline to Christ, who holds freedom in His hands.

Power

The power to set us free from pornography must be greater than porn’s power to suck us into its black hole. You and I do not possess that power on our own, or we could just plain stop if we wanted. Therefore, we must look outside of ourselves for the answer.

Our thinking must change. If we keep doing the same thing over and over, we can’t expect our circumstances and results to change. That’s the definition of insanity, according to Einstein anyway (and he was a pretty smart guy).

Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking at which the problem was created. Great, Dan, thanks. So, just how do you suggest I do that?

First, stop thinking about the very thing your trying break free from. If you say over and over again, “I’m not going to think about porn. I’m not going to think about porn.” What are you doing? Talking to yourself about porn…constantly.

The Holy Spirit will do the transforming as we bathe ourselves in the words of God (the Bible) and come under the accountability and mentorship of faithful friends. Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of the mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Paul tells us what things we should renew our minds with. He writes, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” (Phil. 4:8).  We will become products of our own self-imposed mental environments. Choose well.

Listen to this reminder, “Greater is He (Holy Spirit) who lives in you, than he (Satan) who lives in the world” (1 John 4:4). We have access through prayer and submission to the very power that raised Jesus Christ from the dead. Incredible!

Healing

As I began to focus on the truth from the Scriptures above, I began to experience the healing I’d been craving for years. Confession, Accountability Software, time reading the Bible, and prayer became tools God used to bring about healing. To this day I still use these tools. My faith in Christ, who holds the power to prop up my weakness, is what gets me through each day.

Open and honest communication with your spouse (wife or husband) is a key in the healing process. I recognize each situation is slightly different. That being said, you cannot expect deeply wounded trust to heal if you’re keeping secrets from your spouse.

Your spouse also needs to heal. Trust has been broken, and we play a significant role in rebuilding it.

Men, date your wife again. This was likely an effective way to build trust when you first met. Humble yourself and start again. After all, you just may be a stranger to her in emotional ways.

Trust her with your struggles, and share your successes with her. Let her inside your deepest hurts. Pour love into your wife, and it will be poured back out in greater ways.

Pain revealed is pain that can be healed. It’s true that healing can be painful and uncomfortable. In fact, expect it. Burn patients understand this in a very profound way. The more serious the burn, the more pain they experience on the way to healing. However, as healing takes place, it sometimes leaves scars. You can expect some of those too, but they also eventually stop hurting.

So, I take us back to James 5:16, “Confess…so that you may be healed.” We will stumble and fall along the path to freedom from porn and on the road to healing. And when you do, go back to the Author and Perfector of our faith, the source of power for the strength we need, and continue to pray for healing.

Through faith, power and healing, there is life beyond porn. Christ has set me free and restored a very broken marriage. Wounds are healed. Trust restored. He has given me love beyond restoration and an intimacy in soul, mind and body with my wife I’d only previously dreamed.

The journey was tough and long, but worth every single step it took to get where Julie and I are today. And by His grace and your willingness to pursue sexual integrity God’s way, you too can make the trip to freedom.