I struggled with pornography and masturbation for the larger part of a decade. I was first exposed to porn at the age of eight and was captivated by it after I got my first smartphone in the seventh grade. I watched porn every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and would hide it away from my parents and friends in total secrecy. Of course, this led to deeper bondage in sin and changed how I interacted with others socially.
On the surface, I seemed like a normal kid, but on the inside, I was struggling with an addiction that I couldn’t break.
Nothing to Hide
Living with integrity means having nothing to hide. I could not say this about my life for the duration I was addicted to porn. Even though I was good at hiding it, I was always anxious that I didn’t delete my history, forgot to close a tab, or forgot to delete a picture. This was not the kind of life that Jesus was calling me to.
I believe living with technological integrity means having nothing to hide, allowing loved ones full access without restriction, and not seeking to keep anything secret. One must also have good boundaries in place for those moments of weakness. Covenant Eyes has been a great accountability system for me in these moments when I lack technological conviction.
I have battled with pornography for a very long time. This caused me to view other girls in ways that didn’t glorify God. I saw them as objects to be conquered rather than sisters in Christ to love like Christ. This compounded with my girlfriends as we would not guard our sexual boundaries. Also, during these relationships, I would still run to pornography when I needed a quick fix. In the past I was deeply addicted, considerably lonely, unfathomably insecure, and utterly hopeless to get out of porn addiction.
But because of the Lord Jesus, this wasn’t the end of my story. Within the last four years, I have seen sustained victory.
My victory with pornography is not attributed to me in the slightest. The victory over pornography addiction is the Lord’s. He is the reason that I am free today. I love what Philippians 1:6 says when Paul writes, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” I trust that the Lord is bringing me into completion through the process of sanctification. He is making me more like his son Jesus day by day.
There were many victories along the road. Here are a few: I permanently deleted many old means of accessing pornography when I left high school, I had Covenant Eyes for a major part of college, and I had great accountability partners. Also, in my early marriage when pornography reared its ugly head again, I received professional counseling for the first time in my life. I can say today that I am porn-free because of these ordinary means of God’s grace.
My Journey With Covenant Eyes
I have had Covenant Eyes twice now in my life, under two different accounts. When I had it in college, it was to stop my use of watching pornography. While this worked for a time, my own sinful, wicked heart sought means to have porn. So, I found back-alley ways where Covenant Eyes couldn’t track me. I would go through various apps that had internet access that the regular browsing features wouldn’t detect.
For a prolonged season, I didn’t have Covenant Eyes. Honestly, the reason was that I didn’t believe it to be that effective. I thought, “If my heart wants sin badly enough, I will find ways to have it.” And while this is true, this shouldn’t be the mentality around accountability and good boundaries that make it harder for me to get to that sin. I believe this is what Covenant
Eyes has done.
Just recently, I got Covenant Eyes again after a friend at work (who uses the software) told me about all the upgrades that have been done to the screenshot and ally features. I liked what he told me and figured that since I work at a church now, I should get this software on all my devices to make sure that I stay pure and porn-free for many more years to come. Covenant Eyes has been a fantastic resource at my disposal and has helped to keep my mind pure and my heart fighting for Christ. I can’t say enough how effective of a tool this has been in the Lord’s hands for my life.
Purity of Heart
Pornography has done nothing but steal, kill, and destroy my life (John 10:10a). It has been one of the greatest ways the enemy has destroyed and caused havoc over the years. I have been in the pits of despair with porn and have tried with all my willpower to get out of it to no avail. However, throughout the years of struggle, Matthew 5:8 has become a cornerstone verse in my life. Jesus says, “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” (Matthew 5:8).
The motivation for killing porn isn’t self-betterment. It’s not taking pride in your accomplishments, and it’s not bragging to your friends or family about your great victory. The motivation for being porn-free is to see God truly as he is. That is the motivation for having a heart of purity. I want to be tested and found faithful. I want the Lord to tell me, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:23). I want to be pure because the Lord Jesus has called me to himself, to the pure and trustworthy Gospel, and to be his servant for the rest of my life and into eternity. Porn can have no place in this. I want the Lord and him alone.