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9 thoughts on “Are You Attracted to Your Wife or Objectifying Her?

  1. Regarding Mt 5.27-30. I have a slightly different interpretation on what Jesus was speaking about.

    Three words in this passage need to be explained in order to make good sense of what Jesus is saying here. These words are: ‘Woman’, ‘Adultery’ and ‘Lust’.

    ‘Woman’. The Greek word is γυνή gunē; a prim. word; a woman:—bride(1), wife(71), wife’s(1), wives(11), woman(96), woman’s(1), women(33). As you can see the same word is used for both ‘woman’ and ‘wife’.

    ‘Adultery’. Adultery is an offense committed against one marriage-covenant partner, generally the husband. It happens when another man has sex with the husbands wife. Thereby making use of her in a way in which only the woman’s covenant partner (her husband) has the conjugal right to exercise.

    For this reason I’m inclined to think Jesus does not have looking with desire / lustful intent at any and every woman in mind. Rather, only the wives of other men. Thats why he calls it adultery. I think the the translators of the Greek γυνή (gunē) have wrongly used the English ‘woman’ over ‘wife’ in the passage, despite the immediate context referring repeatedly to adultery (associated with married people).

    ‘Lust’. The Greek word is ἐπιθυμέω epithumeō; desire, lust after:—covet(2), coveted(1), craved(1), desire(1), desired(2), desires(1), gladly(1), long(3), longing(1), lust(2), sets its desire(1). I think the idea expressed here goes beyond simple appreciation of beauty and attraction. Rather a strong desire to have that person for oneself. i.e. Coveting another person’s property.

    I suppose Jesus is not saying its wrong to appreciate a woman’s beauty. If that were the case men wouldn’t be allowed to find their own wives attractive and desire them. Likewise I’d argue this is also part of the process in pursuing women in dating and courtship while seeking to be married.

    But if the woman belongs to another man it’s quite different and sinfully dangerous. Strongly desiring and coveting another man’s wife is adultery. Jesus’ command goes beyond the very act of taking another man’s wife for oneself. Taking for yourself what the woman’s husband alone has rights to. He extends it to our thoughts as well. If we desire or even fantasize about having another man’s wife for ourselves, that is sin.

  2. This post is very applicable to me. I have had a long history of porn use, starting around age six. Now, I tend to see all women in a hyper-sexualized way… so, I struggle constantly with lust & objectification of women.

    This has adversely affected my marriage and relationships with other women. I can easily find myself lusting after female associates (it takes prayerful effort not to). And, I find myself almost having to objectify my wife in order to become aroused enough to have sex with her (one adverse effect of my porn use is a tendency to find other women more attractive than my own wife).

    I’m on Day 4 of the Porn Free 40-Day Challenge (my second time; I completed it once before, a couple years ago). I’m praying that I can begin to really cultivate different patterns of thinking during this 40 days. I definitely want to be a better man in regards to how I view women (especially my wife). I’m more prayerful during this challenge, and I’m focused on creating new habits for my life.

    Anyway, your article was perfect timing for me, and it was a real boost to my motivation… thanks!

    • In this day and age, men’s rights are in the toilet. Women can drain him for every last drop and never satisfy him. If he doesn’t like it, she’ll divorce him and take everything. I see it a thousand times. Women need affection and attention and a man’s time is important. It’s not fair to ask men to pay all the attention to his wife and not give him what he desires… Sex! All men want sex. I’m not talking about strapping her down to the bed and pouring hot wax all over her. I’m talking sex where she’s into it. If I can give my wife my time and attention to satisfy her needs, she should do her best to satisfy my needs.

    • Your response here is pure objectification, unfortunately. You see your wife as some sort of object to satisfy you.

      Relationships are not transactions. You don’t pay for sex with attention.

      You attend to one another so that you can have a relationship, not so that you can have sex.

      In a marriage, sex should be an expression of the emotional intimacy of the relationship, not something that a man can demand because he’s paid a certain amount of attention so now he deserves sex.

  3. I have a few comments on attraction and objectification.
    Attraction: it can happen on so many levels beyond sexual. Here’s a post that helped me identify and name several levels of attraction in myself: https://www.meditationsofatravelingnun.com/learning-about-non-sexual-attraction-from-an-asexual-expert/
    Objectification: One phrase I keep coming back to is: “It is impossible to simultaneously objectify and respect a woman.” This is equally true when applied to racism, class-ism, or nationalism instead of women. Actually, you may have summed it up when you spoke of the dehumanizing aspect of objectification.
    (now if only we could be notified of new comments)

  4. I love your analogy of the guitar strings and playing the sound of God-designed love. That’s a beautiful picture using trust, loyalty etc. I am enjoying your resources. Thank you.

  5. My husband and I rarely have sex. So I know he isnt objectifying me that way. But he sure is by making me feel like his maid and slave! I get zero respect and am expected to do everything while working a full time job. Fun times over here…

  6. As a couple waging war on lust in our marriage my wife and myself would like to point out for the sake of suffering wives and frustrated husband’s. You stated that attraction is when you find someone pretty but then went on to say that lust is taking your ‘natural’ sexual attraction to the next level. Sexual attraction and attraction are two very different things and it’s dangerous to blur the lines between them. If you use the word ‘natural’ in relation to attraction towards ANYONE other than your spouse you have moved into the realm of ENTITLEMENT. (If your entitled lust is sure to follow). Your ‘natural sexual attraction’ is meant for no one other than your spouse. It is NOT ok to find anyone else other than your spouse
    SEXUALLY attractive. If you say they’re nice looking as reflection of God’s image but it doesn’t stir up anything in you that’s sexual then that’s fine but if you feel sexual towards anyone other than your spouse please DENY your flesh. Refer to God’s word on these things, let Him speak to your heart as no person is right in what they say 100% of the time, ourselves included but God is! We are not called to live in the flesh or the natural but to be set apart as children as the most high God. The free ebook by Luke Gilkerson has been a fantastic resource for our marriage. We urge anyone married or not to read and re-read – Your Brain On Porn.
    2 Cor 6:17, Gal 5:16 – 23, 1 Peter 2:11,
    Romans 8:5 – 14.

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