On behalf of myself and the other husbands addicted to porn, I am sorry. We have given your place to another and it is wrong. You knew some men struggle with this; you just didn’t think it would be your man. There are no justifications for our actions. We try to justify, but these are only excuses.
I am sorry we’ve blamed you for our addiction. Instead of owning our actions, we have gotten defensive and angry. In time we may realize how far away this is from the truth. You’re not to blame. It is not your fault. We chose to turn away from you and God to follow the lust of our hearts.
I know this is painful for you. The person who stood before many people and professed his faithful love at the altar has betrayed your marriage through porn, lust, and lying. You did nothing to deserve this behavior, no matter what he tells you.
We lied, thinking we were protecting you from a situation we couldn’t handle on our own. Always thinking we’d get clean, we just needed a little more time. But the lies still hurt and the problem still grew–and damaged–like a cancer.
I am so sorry for how you found out. Maybe it was expected, but you really didn’t think it was this bad. And when he told you, or more likely, when you found out–he turned it back on you. He started talking about your sex life or your appearance or something else—anything else—to distract you from his sins.
Even our confession is a double-edged sword. We feel better, but you feel worse, because now you know. Our burden is lifted, and we act as if we did something great in telling you. However, you just got buried by our garbage.
You are shattered and bleeding from a thousand cuts—and then we ask, “What’s wrong.” We are blind to the pain we caused you. How many times have you stood by us when we were hurting? Why can’t we do the same for you?
And while you try to recover from this, we get impatient.
- Why are we still talking about this?
- Why don’t you trust me?
- When are you going to let me off the hook?
- How much am I going to have to suffer?
- Aren’t you over that yet? I said I was sorry.
It hasn’t even been a week or a month, but we want you to get over it, because we are still concerned with our image. We don’t like looking bad. We tell you to see the good in us and stop focusing on the parts we don’t like. And if you don’t get over it according to our time table we make subtle threats as if to say, “If you don’t get over this soon, I may have to turn to other women again.”
We have abused you through our actions. We have made you doubt who you are. We have turned your reality upside down and made it all seem like your fault.
If any other man had treated my wife the way I did, I would have hurt him—I would have hurt him badly. But I did disastrous things to cover my sin and protect my image.
In the midst of this, you feel like you should have known. The questions haunt you: “How could I not know? What did I miss?” You are being crushed under a weight of questions and self-doubts with little hope of relief.
In some ways, it is even crazier than before we confessed. So we give the ultimate slap in the face, “I guess I shouldn’t have told you!” again making you wrong for your reaction, proving we’ve missed the whole point of confession—of healthy love.
And when you take the risk to ask us how we are doing in our sobriety, we get more defensive and impatient. You don’t know if you have a right to ask. You are being told, “You just have to trust me,” even though we haven’t done anything to rebuild your trust.
And you shouldn’t trust us. Our actions have shown you in big bold letters, “We are not safe.”
Yet many of you carry the weight alone, afraid to tell anyone what you’re going through. “What will they think?” and “How will they treat me?” loom over you like a black cloud.
We’ve done things no one would believe if you told them. Or will they just stare at you, with a hand covering their mouth, thinking:
- How can you stand it?
- Why did you stay?
- Are you that stupid?
- What’s wrong with you?
And you really don’t know why you are staying. Sane people wouldn’t stay to deal with the insanity of contradicting confessions and denials.
I also want to apologize for those other people who have told you, “It’s no big deal. All guys watch porn,” or “Boys will be boys!” It is a big deal. We made you a promise. We told you we would have no one other than you. But we did, maybe in the physical form of an affair or just through our lust over women in porn.
It may be difficult for you to hear my apology over all the voices telling you it is your fault. I know my wife heard it from pastors, counselors, and therapists how she should have more sex with me or have more faith in God. They never sat with her in the pain of my betrayal. Even though they were well-meaning, many of them had no idea how to respond without blaming her indirectly. I am so very sorry. We have become a tool in the hand of the enemy to destroy you, our marriage, and our family. We thought we were better men than this, but the truth is we are selfish beyond reason. You deserve to be treated so much better.
I am sorry for how long this process will take. It will take years to undo this damage, and you will continue to have doubts. It’s not fair. At times, you will feel like all of the cards are stacked against you. Many of the resources available to you will tell you how you’re co-(something), another way of saying you’re to blame.
You will work really hard to fix things, to heal yourself. It will feel like pushing a boulder uphill: really difficult work with the constant fear it will roll over you on the way back down.
I cannot apologize enough for what we’ve put you through. We lied to you. We gave into our lust and replaced you in our hearts. We dumped all of our sins on top of you. We blamed you for our actions. You, our beloved brides, are victims of terrible betrayals. My words aren’t nearly enough to express the sorrow I have for our actions–our choices.
I am sorry. I am so sorry for what we have done.
Thank you Jay. For your boldness to confront your sins and share hope with us. For saying words I always wanted to hear but never did. For giving validity top all the wives who dream of hearing these words that they are possible and THIS is what repentance looks like. Thank you.
Amy,
I know in some ways this may feel like “too little, too late”. But I wanted to offer some words of healing. There is not enough being done to help our spouses heal and I am grateful that Covenant Eyes gave me the opportunity to send this out.
Thank you soooo ok very much for this. I can’t even explain to you how much these words meant as I read them.
Thank you Jay , oh how I would love to hear these words from my husband , but he yells at me ,” this again ? I told you I’m not doing that anymore so drop it !”, twice he threw his lap top and twice he has thrown the tv remote , gives me the silent treatment … He did not log out of what he had been watching once & our 11 yr old daughter saw things she can’t unsee and has been wetting the bed since & is now 14 . One night we all sat down together and she was able to tell her how it mafe her feel and see him differently , & to this day will not hug him goodnight or allow a kiss on the cheek . Still , he changes the tv when I enter the bedroom or starts mashing buttons on his phone . Once , he left his phone in the car with her and she looked at his pictures and there were pictures of women he didn’t even know , wearing skimpy outfits ,& to that , she tells me , he ain’t changed !
You acknowledged every single feeling ive had for the last 5 years ive been through. I just caught my partner again. I cant do it anymore. He expects me to stay and support him because this time is different. I am completely destroyed after 5 years of this. You said everything i wish he would have said. Thank you
Here is a wonderful article entitled A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. So necessary in our times! Peace to you, and healing, Kay
Jay it’s a horrible way to live. The isolation from my husband. He can’t seem to stay away . I hate it. It takes over our love that we have for each other.
I haven’t had intimacy w him in about 12 years.
Hey Betty,
I hope you’ve got good support as you deal with this pain. A therapist can help you process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries. Groups are great, too. And there’s online support at Bloom for Women.
Peace,
Kay
Thank you for this. Thank you a lot. Until my man is ready to say it, it helps a lot to know there are men who already have and are choosing to do whatever it takes to be sober. Reading this brought tears. I’ve just shared this with several friends in similar situation and they responded the same. May God bless you as you continue to help your brothers get and stay free, and give encouragement and hope to us wives.
Thank you. Just what I needed to hear, but from the wrong man. I pray that God will continue to bless you and use you to help others facing this terrible addiction. This was incredibly well written. I had to intermittently read this to prevent myself from falling apart.
God Bless
Ive known my fiancé has struggled with porn, but never understood just how bad it was. We’ve been arguing about porn on and off for four years. Every time I found out, he would admit to only part of the problem after I would ask him multiple times. Finally this week he told me the whole truth. He was watching porn just about every day, going to the bathroom to watch porn while we were sitting down watching movies with our child. I feel as though the last three years, i have been manipulated and lied to. I feel embarrassed, i don’t know what to say to my friends and family. We have a son together, we’re planning a wedding. My heart feels like it is being pulled in two different directions. Do I stay and go through the hardships of rebuilding trust or do I let go of the pain and finally allow myself to move on? This post helped quiet some of the self-degrading thoughts i’ve been having. Even though my fiancé says it isn’t my fault, it’s hard to believe him when I feel so betrayed.
Hey Natalie.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through, and I think this is a very important turning point in the relationship. The real question is not so much about your rebuilding of trust, until this question is answered: will your fiance do the work that he needs to do? You can only trust a person who is trustworthy, and trust is built by trustworthy behavior over time. Of course you don’t trust him now: he has not been trustworthy. And trust is not your problem to solve at this point: it is his problem to solve. He needs to be trustworthy.
It truly is NOT your fault, but as women we are conditioned to be the fault-bearers. He needs to do his work: get his internet filtered and blocked, find accountability, go to groups, go to therapy. Then you can consider the state of the relationship and whether you can rebuild.
I would encourage you to find a counselor, find a group, and check out the online resources at Bloom for Women, for your own healing and support. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that you might find helpful as well. No matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Thank you for posting this and for being so honest. I need some very serious help with this. I just found out a three days ago about the porn, the lies to cover it up, the HUGE amount of money spent and just the flat out betrayal of breaking his promises to love me and take care of me. Not to mention he has a horrible job and barely even works. He is pretty much a dead beat. And he let ME, the one with horrible chronic pain and very serious spinal issues, go to work every day all day long to support the family while he was home watching porn at a pricey $15 dollars a pop. I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING…
Dana, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing on so many levels. Many women in situations like yours will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this, I always recommend that women find support and help for themselve, regardless of what their husbands choose to do. Find a therapist who can help you process and create healthy boundaries (here, here, and here are some articles), find a support group for yourself, access the online resources at Bloom for Women. Take care of you, no matter what. Peace, Kay
Thank you. I need that. I’m so hurt right now. Overwhelmed is an understatement.
I appreciate you saying all this and I’m assuming that the women that this is for is perfect.
I wrote this down word for word. I to want to sincerely thank you for the words most men won’t or don’t say. I’m just now starting this healing process of 8 yrs worth of lies. Right now Im having trouble knowing its going to take a long process to get me where I need to be and prayful my husband can touch me with an apologie like you having been blessed with learning yourself. Thank you!! God bless you and your family. You certainly touched my heart!!
Mine is still blaming me,we are divorced and he still telling the towns people me,he through me out in the cold,I sleep in my car,for 60 days,it is hurting me mentally, and physically, I even think of suicide dailey,he turned my kids against me,thank you for the letter it was very kind,will it ever stop
I am so, so sorry for the abuse your ex is putting you through. I would encourage you to find a domestic abuse shelter in your area, and seek support there. A shelter will be able to provide therapy for the trauma you’ve suffered, and are still suffering. A shelter will also be able to help you with legal counsel for the rights he is violating. Sending peace and love to you, Kay
I would like to hear my husband say even a little bit of this. I told him that he never said he was sorry or apologized for his “habit” and he just stared at me like “what for”. Thank you Jay. Your wife is blessed to have you.
My husband masturbates in the morning and at night and watches porn while doing so it does it right out in the open where I can see it it makes me sick to my stomach I don’t understand he has no respect for me or my things I feel so disrespected all the time what can I do
Carolyn,
It sounds like it’s time for you to think about your boundaries. Your body is clearly telling you (sick to your stomach) that what’s going on here is not okay with you. You may not be able to control your husband’s choices, but you can certainly control your own. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should be helpful. I think you ought to find a professional counselor, just for you, someone who can help you process what’s going on and what your options are. You may also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Kay
Wow!!!! This article hit spot on! After my addiction was first brought to the light, it took me years before I was ready to really repent. I did the justifying, excusing, blaming, and lying game. I made my wife feel like she was crazy, and she took a beating from others who she reached out for help who judged her and blamed her for being part of the problem. Thankfully, I was practically dragged into professional counseling which opened up my eyes to my denial and which helped to release my shame so I could move forward. Also, thankfully, the counseling program we went to (with Affair recovery) knew not to blame the spouse and guided us to build empathy, safety, and intimacy back into the relationship. Our marriage is flourishing after 3 years of hard work, so know that there is hope!
I am really glad you and your spouse found healing. It is possible, but can be very hard depending on the approach.
As you said, there are well meaning people who do more damage to the spouse and the situation. My wife, Lori, does work to help the spouse as well. Her site is a good place to start: pornpainhealed.com.
Thanks for your comment and willingness to share.
Wow, thank you so very much. You have no idea what a breath of fresh air that is in the crazy making messages from the addict AND the recovery counselors and books. I might just print it and read it daily to help keep my sanity. Thanks!
You are very welcome. It took us a long time to find the right approach to help others and knowing the trauma model has really been a God send. My wife, Lori, has put together a list for women to see if they need outside help you can read it here: https://pornpainhealed.com/17-signs-you-need-extra-help/
Thank you !!!!
Even after a couple years we still need to hear it.
What you are writing in your letter is what I would have liked to hear from my partner. I knew for a year now that he was addicted and he promised he would stop. But what I found out just a day ago, I don’t know how to handle. He is addicted to gay porn. When I confronted him he just said its something he always watched but he is not gay . And he insists that it does not have anything to do with him not beeing able to have a normal connection to me. I know he loves me. But he wants me just to forget it and to continue normally and he promised he will stop. He is in denial and I feel numb and shocked.
I am devastated and don’t know how to handle this.
Hi Christina,
I would say it’s time for you to consider your boundaries. Is this okay with you? And if not, what are your options? Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think through this question.
He has to take responsibility for himself. You can’t do this for him. If he’s serious about his pornography habit, he can find a therapist for himself through the CSAT directory. Given the content of his habit, he’s probably got other issues he needs to explore regarding his sexuality, whether he’s able to admit that to himself and you at this point or not. Whatever he chooses to do, though, you can make healthy choices for yourself.
I would encourage you to find a therapist just for yourself, someone who can help you process this and support your healthy boundaries. You will also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Peace to you,
Kay
Very powerful. Every word of it reflects what I have experienced as a wife. Thank you.
I am very sorry to hear you have gone through this. I hope you have found some healing from this in your life. Thanks for you comments.
I’m going through this he has been caught once again third time and promise this time conversing with these women of what he wants to do with and to them we’ve been married 26 years and every time he calls me stupid for being upset because all guys do it … I’m completely confused and heart broken thinking about letting him suffer a bit by leaving……
When your husband tells you that you are stupid for being upset, and that all guys do it, that is called GASLIGHTING. Here’s a short animation that helps explain.
You may indeed choose to leave someone who treats you this way. That’s a healthy boundary that many women choose in cases like this.
Peace to you,
Kay
thank you for this
I really appreciate the time and effort you took to write this article. It is filled with an incredible amount of truth for the betrayed. Unfortunately I went through so much of what you described. Two things that were very difficult for me to deal with was the lying that distorts your reality and causes you to doubt your own reality and who you are. And the other are the flaming arrows of friends and family while your hit with one of the most painful betrayals in life. You can see how easy it would be for some women to pretend it’s not happening and not seek help when they are faced with taking so many hits for trying to face this cancer head on. I was thankful for the encouragement I received when I finally reached out for help from people who truly got it and understand. It was affirming to just have the courage to make the call be acknowledged. So much to work through and many people to forgive. I’ve learned so much and am thankful for all the ways God has worked in my life, marriage and family. He is more powerful and bigger than porn!!!
Thank you so much for completely understanding how I feel. I didn’t get that from my husband. I got the blame. Am still getting the blame and don’t know what to do but your letter has given me hope. And that is something else I never had before now so thank you
Wow, I am touched by the impact this had on you. I hope you will get to read my response. You are not to blame for his actions, no matter how convincing he sounds. Please reach out to me or my wife, Lori, and we will equip you for what you are going through.
I do understand that blame game. It’s all my fault he does it. And 21/2 hrs a day in morning alone on sex related content . As well as getting caught in conversation on porn sights. Really makes you feel down , Ugly , not good enough, crazy , snappy wondering what he’s doing at all times as well as wanting to follow them to bathroom. Constant worry and paranoid. Drains you emotionally and physically. Trying to build trust is hard. And saying I don’t let things go and move on hurts too.
Thank for your confirmation, Jay. Yes, Pain that Hurts and Changes us
Does one need to go daily to a prostitution, just because it’s next to his house? — Porn pop-up Pest?? Why infected & addicted, instead of Immunity? — How far is it from off-line to live (cam/ real)? from addiction to STD? — just 1 click far? or just 1 thought far (~1/1000sec)? — Healthy mind, healthy body — What ever reason/ justifying, black & black (cheating & lying/rage scenes) won’t make white:
– It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe/ situation, that lures him to evil ways – Buddha
– When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive (and move on) – N. Mandela
– Be the change you wish to see in the world – M.Gandhi
THANK YOU for giving me a tiny bit of hope in the darkness. It’s been over a year since I found out (this time) and there is so much more that I don’t know that he hid and lied about through the years and he still won’t call a counselor or read the 10 books I bought about this. There is always an excuse, yet he ALWAYS found time for them, or should I say him. Even not coming home to help with children when I was only sleeping 3 hours a day acting as a single mother while he “traveled/worked” or when I was pre laboring with our baby and supposed to be bed resting. The health of me or his children didn’t compare to them. They were always more important! We can’t even turn on the tv, walk in a grocery store or go to the park and watch our children play their sport without being triggered. Yet they act as if nothing is wrong and there is no problem any more. While most of us can’t go to a meeting or read a help book without it swaying to his side giving glorious details as to why he couldn’t control his lust for them. Esencially telling us why they are so much better than us. Why this is really jist our fault. The world seems to look at us like we arr the problem, he’s just a man. There is no escape for us. I know, it’s been almost 20 years since he became an adult and gained access to the adult world. I was there the entire time, just not worth it. However we are the real adults, the real women that raise the families (the ones having to teach our little boys how to be real men since our husbands can’t lead by example or teach them) the women that hide and clean up your messes without so much as a glimmer of respect. Just resentment and blame. Thank you for acknowledging us. No matter how much we give (everything and then some) our men always want more. Men are no longer the men we saw in the generations before us. They are objectifying cowards, pathetic leaders, instant gratification seeking selfish little boys. They say it’s because they can’t deal with what life has thrown their way and they need to escape. Well if we can deal with life, work, family etc. and all their mess without ever getting an escape from it then it should be easy for them. We chose to stay and deal. It is a CHOICE to make, they just always choose them. I fear for all our daughters that already deal with the little boys watching porn in our public classrooms. Being compared to fake digitally enhanced objects instead of being seen for their own Godly beauty. Begging parents for vaginoplasties and breast augmentation because they think something is wrong with them. All because porn is teaching the next generations of men that “that” is beautiful. No wonder the super bug STD’s and ED have come into play, maybe it’s God’s way of survival of the fittest. Maybe he is weeding out the sinners, since they can’t seem to help themselves. They can’t choose to be a part of a real life because reality isn’t good enough to them. I thought my generation had it rough from the “curiosity of the internet” as I was told. Now with the instant gratification only a second away or a new downloaded App I’m afraid all hope is lost. I pray for a better future but over the last 20 years I’ve just seen it getting worse. Thank you for listening as this is the first time I’ve spoken up (sorry it was so long) and been heard. Thank you for reminding us that they broke their vow. For admitting that we are the ones damaged and left behind. Thank you for acknowledging us as the ones being mistreated and disrespected since the world doesn’t. We need to change that for the next generations sake.
Just reading your comments it’s wonderful to finally read some truth on how women feel. I have a long story but the farther of my children addicted to porn, admitted he would get me to take both children as babies to the supermarket so he could make time for this habit. This one comment has killed me inside. I think of the years I spent rallying around struggling he wouldn’t help clean or anything I work full time and brought up our children and he found time for that! I found out about his 8 year addiction possibly longer, 4 months ago and the sad thing is we can’t financially afford to spilt…. I know it’s joint but we have a hefty mortgage, he had his fancy cars and I am trapped in four walls of heavey regret, resentment and no logical explaination of why or how he did it for so long. I’m stupid and all I want to do is punish him by sleeping with someone but then I feel like I dirty myself. Heartbroken depressed I don’t know what I am anymore, I see the apparent success of a beautiful home and lovely children but I feel such failure and do not know why I put myself through it all! what did I get….what was all my hard work for…. I simply have lost the way and don’t see what it’s all for any longer…..I got here but I’m unhappy and I can’t get over what he’s done but I’m being held by responsibility of my children I could just crawl under a rock and die happily.
Hi Michelle,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. There really is no “logical” explanation for your husband’s behavior. For most men, it’s toxic masculinity, being taught to deny, repress, and ignore their emotions (“big boys don’t cry”) in combination with being taught that they will inevitably act out sexually (“boys will be boys”). The internet provides the perfect place for them to go with any discomfort they may feel.
You’re not stupid. You are not a failure. This is what culture–including and sometimes especially church culture–teaches men. At the same time, women are taught that it is all our fault, and if we were just sexy enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, whatever enough, “he” wouldn’t have these problems. This is what every single abusive system teaches: victim blaming.
The user/abuser doesn’t take responsibility, the victim takes all the blame.
In order for real healing to happen, the user/abuser needs to take responsibility for himself, and the victim needs to reject the blame and ALSO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HERSELF WITH GOOD, HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you think about healthy boundaries.
You may not be able to leave the relationship at this point, but you CAN have healthy boundaries. You can get a therapist just for you, someone who can help you process your pain and support you in your healthy boundaries. You can find a group just for you. You can access the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole for yourself and your children.
Peace to you,
Kay
I can remember the first time I discovered his issue. I worked full time and was trying to finish my nursing degree during night classes, in 1991. During those years the men would circulate VHS tapes I sat down exhausted from work , college and raising an infant and toddler…the red light on the VCR was on then I pulled out the tape and discovered His issue. Decades went by the hurts continued the pain became unbearable and eventually bitterness turned to hate then abuse. We divorced at 24 years yet I never forgave myself I carried all the pain and blame. There were months of no affection and a horrible night of abuse led me to my own issues…. and I left. I hit rock bottom my pain was so severe I wanted to take responsibility for it all. God was calling me and I opened my Bible It took months for God to heal me I forgave my husband and begged him to allow our family a second chance with God. We remarried on our 25th anniversary. Unfortunately his Issues still crept in. Now I just discovered he’s had problems for 5 years with ED of which I again thought it was my fault we hardly ever was intimate. Yet the few times we were he’s been borrowing viagra from friends. After God entered into my life I realized these truly are His issues not mine. I’m free of self inflicting pain caused by others. I forgive him but I no longer have to forgive me… it was his issues from the time he was a teenager and the consequences are ours to overcome.
I am so sorry to hear this for you. And why are you still blaming yourself? Please get out of what is an mentally abusive relationship. He borrows viagra?. That’s because porn addiction leads to ED. Get out !your now blaming yourself again, I’m so sad for you. Forgiveness is a must for you, but keeping him around is NOT.
Thank you, very insightful. It helps to know that it’s normal for there to be blame and mention of an unsatisfied sex life. It is going to be extremely hard moving forward after a comment that has hurt and embarrassed me deeply.
I am so sorry for the painful comment you received. I have made some myself, eventually my wife worked through them.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Lori, taught me what she needed and helps other women to find the same path. Please reach out to her. lori@pornpainhealed.com. Watch her interview on the Covenant Eyes Facebook page. She was interview back on March 1, 2017.
My son is a porn addict. Where can I get help/info to deal with it as a mother. He is going to a support group but I need help to deal with my emotions and how his addiction and behaviour is affecting me. It is painful in a different way.
I would suggest finding a counselor who can help you process through your emotions and work on healthy boundaries between your son and yourself. You might want to read up on Boundaries with Teens by Townsend.
I have been so broken.Like hard to breath.
My husband is a pastor.
He has deeply hurt me.
The Lord directed me to his cell phone around 4 am.
He had a deleted his history. Then I asked myself why??
I woke him.Four days of pulling it out if him.
I am wounded. I am emotionally raw.
He chose these videos and images for weeks at a time.And got caught.
He a month later said he knows after all these years he was never born again.All out friends and family are shocked by his porn.Its as if mother Teresa would do this…too much to digest.
I’ve fallen into God’s arms for his mercy and grace. I’m worn and vulnerable. I believe I’m disgusting and can’t even look at myself, for feeling shame and guilt. Even if he did this.
The eyes I called beautiful, that I once trusted.Now knowledge if them on countess porn.Is an image of his eyes fixated on beautiful perfect bodies. I will never compare.Suddenly I feel embarrassed of even my good traits. And ashamed of ever feeling beautiful. Because I was NEVER enough…
I am so, so sorry, Jeanette. There are so very many men in ministry with these same habits, and so many women suffering these same feelings. I say that not to minimize what you’re experiencing, but to confirm with you that you are NOT alone. And also to thank you for being courageous enough to write these words, because so many women in your situation feel trapped into silence by the ministry and the church. Thank you for speaking the truth.
I want you to find a counselor, just for you. Someone who can help you process these emotions and create healthy boundaries. You might look for a group in your area for further support. And there are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women that should be helpful as you recover and heal.
I hope that as the shock wears off, you will realize that you are the precious, valuable, beloved image-bearer that you’ve always been. Your husband may not have been able to see that all the time, but God does. He sees you, he knows you, he loves you, and that love will never let you go. You are enough, just as you are. That has always been true and always will be true. Breathe through this pain, and find the truth again: you are loved, you are safe, you are chosen. Nothing separates you from Love. Nothing. Not even this pain. Love is here for you, every minute.
Peace to you,
Kay
Jeanette,
There are no words to help you deal with the pain. I know my wife and I both would sit with you in this pain.
Please reach out to Lori on https://pornpainhealed.com
Oh yes!
“Ashamed of ever feeling beautiful”
That is so true and I’m not sure why I never could put that into words as you did.
My husband was doing so much better. As far as I know, he hadn’t “slipped” in months and I had hoped beyond hope that it was over. He’s just gotten a new job and is away from us until our 4th child is born and we can all move to a different state together. Just found out he’s been lying to me and his accountability partner about his continued addiction. I’m going through this grieving process all over again. After nine years of marriage, part of me just wants to call it quits. I’m so broken-hearted….again.
I am so, so sorry. I think you need to find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and think about healthy boundaries. A group would also be a good source of support, and you might appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. Peace to you, Kay
Jay, You are a hero to the men to help them see the excuses, and lies, and the deceit, listened too from the enemy, and then the covering up, trying to palm it off as nothing. You have done something most women need; validation of the betrayal they have encountered. Well done for writing this letter. I am not a married man, so this doesn’t apply to me in relationship with a partner, but does give me a perspective of preparedness, of which I will have no excuse once I do find a wife. This does, however, apply in my relationship with Heavenly Father. What excuses, lies, deceit and cover-ups do we put forth?
I would challenge, with respect, any woman who reads my comment, not just Jay, to write a letter that mirrors this of women who have betrayed men because of their addiction to porn. We seem to somehow always make this a one-sided situation, and I believe the honesty of women needs to come forth.
Men have copped a lot of attack, and yes men have been wrong, but let’s be real here and see this from the other side; the side of men having been betrayed.
I have this one question: Why do women get caught in the trap of porn? What is the real excuse?
Thankyou for reading. Shane
This comment will not make it past moderation. My link to the Bas Rjiksen video was entirely apropos. Since you obviously have no interest in different points of view but only in statements that reinforce what the writer says, I will infer from that a complete lack of reasonableness on the part of you and your editorial staff. No comments will be made in the future. I will leave your hermetically sealed intellectual bubble intact. I consider the open letter gratuitous moral grandstanding, white nighting, and virtue signaling. Behavioristic accountability methods either work for both men and women or work for neither. Do not advocate accountability unless you are willing to set up groups for women as well. Otherwise, it is misandrist hypocrisy.
Mitch, my apologies for not addressing your comment sooner. You left 24 hours between your original post and this one where you express distrust in our moderation process, which isn’t very much time, but nonetheless, I hope you will see my comment about the Bas Rijksen video. I thought his insights were informative and helpful. I appreciate you sharing it. Covenant Eyes fully recognizes that there are women who struggle with porn addiction. Our lack of resources for women who struggle is not implying that we don’t appreciate the fact that women struggle, any more than Garnier’s use of women in their shampoo commercials implies that men don’t need to wash their hair. Jay’s particular speciality is working with addicted and post-addicted men. Dirty Girls Ministry is a wonderful resource for porn addicted women. I hope this information is helpful for you and you feel willing to continue commenting on our content.
Peace, Chris
I have spent four years now battling finding out how to get over what my husband’s porn addiction cost me personally, as well as our marriage. The devastation, intense pain and lonely despair it has caused me has, at times, made me seriously believe suicide would be a better answer than being alive being so disappointing in so many ways to my husband and family now while recovering from this type of betrayal.
I have read countless articles trying to both “self-help” and send information to my husband in hopes that he would sincerely “get the message” and become the man I need him to be now for me. Nothing has worked. No conversation has worked long-term. Sometimes, not even the same day. And, nothing has quite hit the nail on the head of being able to explain how I truly feel now as a person after his betrayal. Until now…
Thank you, Jay, for all you wrote herein. THANK YOU. While, I wish it was my husband who said all of this- every last word exactly, it was at least stated at one point by someone who is truly remorseful and isn’t afraid to state or show that to the entire world if need be. I have tremendous respect for that.
I am not sure that after seeing every behavior, and hearing every one of the words you mentioned happens with this above in my own husband – and believe me, even more than you stated, that he is truly remorseful as I am still going through all these with him to this day four years later. I feel like I need to let him go so I don’t go through this anymore with someone who will still make excuses to be like this to me. I stayed because I vowed to love him in good and bad, and I feel like if I leave I would just be protecting myself from further pain instead of honoring my vow to love him unconditionally. But, it is so so hard. And, I truly am on my last straw with trying. I have no esteem and strength left. None. I feel beyond worthless now.
Your words here though have made me feel like at least there is somebody out there who gets me and what I am going through with such precision it brought me to tears. Some were tears of shame of who I am now and that there are people out there who know people like me exist. Some tears were for hope that someone truly understands and doesn’t think I’m crazy, or immature, or vindictive or only acting hurt but not really hurt, whiny, or impossible to please for how who and how I am and what I want now. Mostly, I wept with gratitude.
I feel like I deserve a husband like you. But, I live with someone who makes me feel I don’t (often even says I don’t). I’m not sure what to do about it. But, your words make me KNOW it’s not impossible for a man to feel like this for his wife and have this kind of insight and attitude for himself as well as her, too. SO…….
Thank you! Thank you more than I can ever possibly say. GOD has truly blessed you. And, I see it and appreciate it in you immensely.
Stephani, I hope you’ll find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and think about healthy boundaries. As you’ve learned, there’s no way to change another person; the only person we can be responsible for is ourselves. No matter what your husband chooses, no matter what happens in the relationship, or if the marriage even survives, YOU can choose to be healthy and well. Peace to you, Kay
Stephani,
I am sorry you are going through this. Please reach out to me or my wife Lori here we have been working with several couples since this article posted. Some of the men were resistant at first but after working with Lori, the wives convinced the husbands to reach out to me. Not sure if this will work every time, but Lori is great at helping in this situation.
I think you’re over reacting because of your lies.
No ome belongs to someone, we are free to come and go.
Oh, yes, but what about family?
No lies first, family after.
Dont get me wrong, its a heatful letter, but its for liers.
Sexual desires are part of you, some have less and some have more.
No judgement there.
Commitment to love and respect is all we need, love all and respect different genders and habbits,
If you desire with truthfulnes and respect there is no suffering, just acceptance.
Please lets grow.
Thank you and good night.
Wow. I broke up with the true love of my life over 25 years ago because of his porn addiction & the deceit that went with it. He could look me right in the eyes & lie to me. Destroyed me inside. I felt like I wasn’t enough & never could be. I went on to marry a guy whom I didn’t love anywhere near as deeply, but figured I’d never be good enough to get anyone that I did. It’s THAT damaging to a woman. Feels like being cheated on with multiple women…like ANY woman was better (I saw the pictures he looked at, & the range of their physical appearance was unbelievable). Now I’m more than 2 decades into a marriage where I’m disrespected & devalued in many other ways. Can’t help but think it has a lot to do with how devalued I felt after the end of the porn addict relationship. Now I feel too old to hope for better, incredibly depressed & downtrodden. I always wonder if I should’ve stuck it out, but your article & the comments of those above lead me to believe that I probably never would’ve won. I guess I made the right choice to leave, but I can honestly say that porn destroyed my adult life.
I am so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered. I wonder if you’ve ever had therapy for the trauma you went through? Peace to you, Kay
my husband chose porn and internet affairs over his marriage. lied and denied to the end. he also fits every description i’ve seen of malignant narcissism. i was a baby Christian when we married and didn’t know how unequally yoked we really were. he hid behind being a pk. sometimes i still feel old, ugly, unlovable, and somehow deserving of mistreatment even though i know these are lies of the enemy and don’t come from God.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered. I’m also extremely grateful that you’ve been able to recognize the realities, as painful as they are, and I’m glad that you’re out of that toxic situation. Thank you for being so courageous, and thank you for sharing your story with us here. I pray that your roots will continue to grow down deep into the soil of God’s marvelous love, and that you’ll know how long, how high, how wide, and how deep that love is for you, so that you’ll be filled full of every goodness, overflowing with justice and mercy into the lives of those around you. Peace to you, Kay
I was in a Long Distance with my Husband for 6 Years. We we’re both going to College back then and we barely see each other, maybe like every after 3 years. When I found out about his 2 years ago he told me that he is not the first Husband who is addicted to porn and I am not the first wife to feel what I’m feeling. When I seek a consult with a Therapist she told me that it was normal for him to be like that because of being far away from each other. I took a beating from the thoughts inside my head, everybody seems to say that it’s okay but why do I feel that it’s not? That it’s ruining our Marriage. He have seen me wailing and crying. Asking him why I am not enough. I got to blame for not understanding what he is going through. But nobody asked me what I’m going through. We’ve been Married for 2 years (2015) and that’s when I found out about the addiction and until now he relapses. He tell me lies. And our friends and families are blaming me for not being okay right away, for not giving him more chances. They would tell me why would I get mad when in fact it’s not having physically involved anyway. So thank you for this letter. I am alone in this fight. Nobody supports what I feel and what I’m allowed to feel so Thank you for this letter. I was crying reading this bec it felt like coming from a person who totally understands what Im going through.
Hi Ren,
Of course you are allowed to choose for yourself what is healthy for you in a relationship. You are never required to put up with behaviors that are unhealthy! Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. And here’s one from The Gottman Institute on why they, as a secular organization, are against the use of pornography.
Thank You :)
Thank you for this Jay! Its exactly right! I’ve been married almost 31 years now. I first found dvds in my husbands car trunk 20 something years ago. He lied then and said they belonged to his best friend. That he didn’t want his wife finding them. I believed him. After that I got suspicious every time I would walk into the bonus room late at night he seemed to change the channel. He sat up late all the time watching TV. He denied anything when I asked him about it. Years later I found porn dvds in the trunk again. He didn’t deny it. I was crushed! He said it crushed him seeing the hurt he caused me. He said he had struggled with it for years since he was a teenager. He assured me he wouldn’t do it again and we destroyed the dvds. I believed him! Again late nights made me wonder about what he was watching. Two years ago I looked at his phone and discovered he had been messaging women, texting a young lady younger than our daughter. Actually appearing to chase her. I was devastated again! I confronted him and he assured me that nothing happened that she was a good girl and wouldn’t do that. That he had only been talking to her but again he was devastated that I was so upset and promised that he would stop! I was torn to pieces. At that time I was 45 in the best shape of my life. We had been doing Crossfit. I felt great! The only reason I added that is because now I have gained 40 pounds. My self esteem has tanked. I don’t feel like doing or pursing anything. I feel worthless and like I will never be enough. Because if he will do that when I look like that what will he do now. Well this past summer I got suspicious again and started being nosy. He had an extra laptop from work that was old and not inventoried that he used. I started digging. I found out that he had been on tons of porn sites. He had been contacting prostitutes. He actually joined Plenty of Fish dating website and was trying to hook up with ladies. Oh my! I was completely crushed this time. I cannot even explain how my heart, my self esteem and everything was crushed. I hesitated for a bit before I confronted him. Then one day I did. He denied it. Told me I was crazy! Continued to deny it. He would lie to my face while all of this was going on. He would call me “Baby Girl” and be sweet on the phone and the next thing he would be on the internet talking to women according to the times noted. He finally admitted it when I wouldn’t drop it. When I questioned him more he told me that he had had an affair for 6 years earlier in our marriage. Again I was crushed! I love my husband! He says he loves me and wants to work it out. Everyone thinks we are a perfect couple. We used to be so involved in church for years while our daughter was at home. We lead youth and taught Sunday School. He hasn’t been in the past several years. I went for a while alone but have since stopped going. We are in the middle of building a house. All of this came out in the middle of it. He refuses to get help. He won’t talk to anyone. All of what your letter says is him! He says he will handle it on his own. That he doesn’t need help. That I need to just trust him. I can’t even! I am dying inside and can’t talk to him because he gets so upset at me. I want to make it work. I know people would think I am crazy. I do love him but honestly if he continues I just can’t see how I can take it. I am so torn and distraught I don’t know what to do!
Hi Nita,
First of all, you need to trust yourself. You know what’s been going on with your husband all these years. You KNOW. Believe yourself. Trust yourself.
When you’re holding the evidence in your hands, and he tells you you’re crazy, that is called gaslighting. It’s a form of mental and emotional abuse.
We trust people who are trustworthy. And we know that people are trustworthy when they show us trustworthy behavior over time. Your husband has done the exact opposite. He has been completely untrustworthy over time. You might want to make it work, but he just does whatever he wants.
That’s a harsh reality to face, but it’s reality.
Find yourself a therapist who can help you process through all this and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries. Here is an article on when divorce, the final boundary, is a good option.
Find a group to support you. Check out the online resources at Bloom.
You don’t have to be a slave to your husband’s sin. Whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
I really needed to read this. I can’t seem to stop hurting over my husband’s betrayal. I want to heal but it’s so hard especially when everyone is telling me he’s just being a normal guy. It is really difficult when nobody understands how it changes my image of myself. People just shrug it off and it stings. It stings that 2 days after I married this man he watched porn. I just can’t believe him. He lies to my face about that and so many other things all the time. I’m falling apart and I really appreciate this post because it made me feel less alone. It still saddens me to my core that he continuously has done it knowing how it makes me feel.
Hi Skylar,
I am so, so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. If your husband is still lying to you, and not willing to do his own work on his own behavior, then I would advise you to consider what healthy boundaries should look like, given the reality of your situation. Here, here, and here are some articles that might be helpful. You might also like to check out the online resources at Bloom for Women. You are NOT required to live your life with lies! You are allowed to choose freedom and life and hope, regardless of what your husband decides.
Peace to you, Kay
I understand exactly what your saying. Less than a year after my husband and I got married I started finding hookup sites in history which I suspected well actually I knew that he had been reviewing p*** before we got married but after arguing over it several times he swears to me that he won’t do it again.but still to this day about every six months when he accidentally leaves his phone in the bedroom if I pick it up and push the little square that will pull up all the recent pages I’ll find a p*** site or some different hookup sites still open. We are both 31 and I know I put on some weight which he tells me he loves every bit of it but we only have sex maybe once every other week and it’s the same routine every time
we’re both on medication that says over time it could possibly decrease your sex drive it definitely hasn’t mine which of course I’m 31 so I’m in the prime age to where I want to have sex all the time like a 16 year old boy he on the other hand says he must have low testosterone yet he works his ass off so I know that he doesn’t have low testosterone because if he did he wouldnt have that kind of energy at work. I know it’s porn and he won’t admit it he tells me every time I find the trash on his phone that it’s my fault because I went looking for problems so I even said hey well let’s make some for ourselves and put it online and make some money I think that’d be awesome but he acted like I was crazy I really think I’m losing my mind I’m depressed of course my self-esteem has drop to the floor even though I know in my heart that I’m gorgeous and I shouldn’t not his fault get me down on myself but how am I supposed to help it.Just thought I’d share I don’t have anybody to talk to about this I don’t want to do it going on so long that I know it’s a problem because he’s just that kind of person he doesn’t just do something in moderation if he enjoys it he indulges and we’re both addicts in recovery trying anywaysI just had to get that out to somebody cuz he won’t talk to me I don’t work I don’t really have any friends so there’s nothing I can really do other than stay and deal with it and tell him decides he wants to face his demons
Well, it sounds like you know the truth of what’s going on, even though he denies it. I would say he’s gaslighting you here. If you’re an addict in recovery, you know that your job is to be responsible for your own healthy boundaries and not the other person’s behaviors. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. Whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole. His demons don’t have to ruin your life. Peace to you, Kay
I wanted to thank you for this. Not only for the apology to the community but to your own wife.
My husband and I have been walking this journey for 6 years, some together, mostly alone. About a month ago he apologized for the first time, ever. I was praising God and things seemed to be turning around.
I am proud of my husband he has only had three lapse days in about two months (it was happening 8 times a day everyday). Anyways last Friday was one of those days, I still was hurting, and then I saw his search history. My heart exploded. I try to constantly make sense of this addiction that makes no sense to me.
I tried to bring up how I felt and like normal he got easily angered and slowly but surely convinced me it was my fault. By hour two of the argument I started thinking he was right…like always. The argument starts with something he did and gets turned around to me. And when I bring it up I am selfish and have no clue what he is going through. He sarcastically calls me “mother Mary”.
I needed this artical today. I needed to hear I was not crazy that i thought he was turning it all around. I love him so much and I am proud of how far he has come, but I think you are absolutely right when you say it can take years before men truly understand what they have done.
Thank you again for owning up for all the men who couldn’t, yet.
Blessings.
Autumn
You are NOT crazy, but it sounds like your husband is prone to gaslighting. I’d encourage you to think about your boundaries: here, here, and here. Peace to you, Kay
Autumn,
I am really sorry you are going through this. Almost every guy I work with responds in similar ways. Agreeing with your pain means he is a monster, at least from his point of view. This is a desperate attempt to minimize how he sees himself. It is a shame thing.
I know this doesn’t help you, but gives you a key to his motivations. Deep down he probably thinks he’s helping, or reducing your pain.
Lori and I talk about this in the ownership portion of our Basics of Rebuilding Trust video series.
What you can do about it is talk from your feelings and not the specific actions, like “When this happens, it hurts…”
Jay
I just got caught and I feel horrible beyond words my wife is the most beautiful honest and loving women I have ever met and I am going to do whatever it takes to not look at porn or even masterbate at that. I lied that I wasn’t doing this for a long time because I didn’t want to hurt her. Now I feel like she Deserves way better. I still love her with all my heart and some, this was very embarrassing and I think that is what makes it hard to fix, I just going to be open and honest and if she can forgive me I will try to give her the world like I had promised in the beginning.
Hey Dustin,
In addition, find a therapist for yourself who can help you through from good intentions to healthy reality. Here and here are a couple of directories to check for someone in your area.
Peace,
Kay
Dustin,
Please understand while quitting porn is a good start, the next important step is rebuilding trust. Guys I work with tell me this is the hardest part of the work they did to heal their marriages.
While it isn’t easy, I can tell you from personal experience it is the most fulfilling thing I ever did.
Jay
My husband has been and is still verbally and some what physical with me. He use to hit me a lot and I would have to fight back and when I fought back he’d charge at me like bull. He is a manipulative narcissist whom is very much so addicted to porn. He no longer hides it. I seen his phone this morning and it has tons of naked women and many of them are different ways of how men portray a woman and it makes me sick! When I confront him, he gets angry and turns the anger ok me that I am insecure and I am sick and that I am the one that needs to be helped not him! And see his whole family think that it is okay for a man to look at and have porn on their phones! His so-called friends send him naked pictures all the time! He even has a WhatsApp group chat based on girl’s. The group is called “Rickys”, what ever that means.. I don’t know! I have been with him since I was 15 now I am 31 and from that time up until now I am finally bit by bit am breaking out of his master spell he had on me from when I was a girl. He is very wise at many things, he portrays himself as a man whom loves his family. He has many fooled. He plays my king and that I am his one and only. But behind closed doors he is a beast of wicked evil! I find myself at war with him all the time. He even attacks my children. He is the father but acts like a bully. I really do hate him! I ask, God to forgive me but I won’t be at peace until I leave him! I think once I do leave my heart will be whole again and then I ask God for forgiveness! Cutting this short I’d like to thank you, for this letter of acknowledging the fact that some men can and do want5 to be saved… But as of right now my spouse was raised in that manner so to him he is sane and believes it to be normal!
Elizabeth, you are not required to be abused, verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, or in any other way. (Here is a short animation that discusses various types of abuse.) God does not need to “forgive” you for removing yourself from abuse. In fact, God will celebrate with you when you remove yourself from an abuser! God loves you. God wants you to be treated in a way that reflects his love for you, and your value and worth as a human being. Marriage is NOT a license for men to abuse women, with God’s approval. NEVER. You are not a slave to sin, not even your husband’s sin. Here’s a wonderful article entitles, A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce. I hope it helps you live in freedom.
Peace,
Kay
I really needed this today! My husband and I have been together for 20 yrs. I realized early on that he was a porn addict, but was of course told all the lies that are typical. He has lengths of time of being clean, so I think, because I so much wanted to believe and trust him. He is not physically abusive but certainly emotionally and is the very essence of a narssicist. He has had emotional affairs in the past and hides and stashes spare cell phones to watch porn. He is a gaslighter as after catching him in the act 2 days ago, he has some how, yet again, has convinced me that it is my fault. We are in our late 40s and it has started to affect our sex life, not to mention that we are parents to a 2 yr old. He has admitted that he was still in love with his 1st wife and these are the type of woman that he watches. I am totally crushed and feel so betrayed, worthless, fat and absolutely unwanted. Logically I know that I hold no blame in this and that I am not ugly, but I feel so betrayed by the man I am supposed to trust and should have my back! I see all the comments and am so grateful that I am not alone!
Thank you for saying things that I will never hear from my husband!
It sounds like it’s time to really think about healthy boundaries with your husband. Here, here, and here are some articles to get you started. You’re not required to be abused, or a slave to anybody’s sin. Peace, Kay
Thank you.
Thank you for this. Everything mentioned describes my pain to perfection. The enemy is relentless in reminding me every way my husband has lied and hurt me. I feel like I am fighting his constant voice every hour of every day. My biggest wound is the message that I am not desired or wanted. That I am my husband’s second choice. I will ask my husband if it is true and he gets so angry and tells me that he doesn’t get why i tgink this way…that what he has done is no big deal because he didnt go and physically touch the women he has fantasized about. And that it has been so long since he has fantasized that I just need to get over it because its not that bad. I’m struggling with this. Am I being too sensitive? Too demanding???
Hey Missy,
You are NOT being too sensitive or demanding. Many women will meet the criteria for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in this set of circumstances. You’re not being overly sensitive; your entire life is being threatened with destruction by porn. You’re traumatized by that. It’s normal.
When your husband gets angry with you, minimizes his own behavior, and minimizes your pain, that is more trauma added to the trauma that you’re already suffering.
If your husband cannot understand the severity of what he’s done and blames you instead, then he is not being trustworthy at this time.
Find a counselor who can help you process through this pain and build healthy boundaries. Here, here and here are some articles to help you think about boundaries. Find a group that will help you process the trauma. Check out the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Peace to you,
Kay
I can’t believe I read this just now after just finding out my husband is STILL in denial about his addiction to porn! And I’m feeling a thousand different emotions right now! He won’t stop and he won’t get help. I sent this article to him so he can see exactly how I feel! Of course, he blames me but I know better. We have only been married a little over a year, but if he doesn’t get help we won’t make it another year because I refuse to live like this. Thank you for sharing this. I hope and pray he will realize he is destoying our relationship and my trust in him.
It sounds like it’s time to examine your boundaries and decide what is healthy for you. Here, here, and here are some articles that should help as you think this through.
You might also like to find a therapist for yourself, a group, and check into the online resources at Bloom for Women.
You can’t force someone else to make healthy choices, but you can always make healthy choices for yourself.
Nearly 20 years I now I’ve been living with a porn addict.
I am choking and I struggle to breath at times when I think about it.
I try and turn a blindeye as it is a part of who he is and he will NEVER give it up. He doesn’t even promise too.
I am broken and have never felt so worthless.
He is mocking me this marriage and our vows.
I stay for the sake of our little boy.
He has been unfaithful to me a million times over every single time he watches porn. He has replaced me with pornstars.
Then blames me because I’m cold, distant and hard.
He doesn’t he has created those things in me.
I will never be thin,young,sexy,pretty the way the girls he masturbates over are. I’m tired.
I am also isolated with having to keep this to myself. It’s humiliating for myself and my children if it were to come out.
I’m being over the top, drama queen and overreacting.
‘Why are you creating problems?’ That’s what I get.
God heal my heavy and burdened heart.
Hey Rita,
I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through. Not only is your husband watching porn, he’s also gaslighting you, and that is a form of emotional abuse.
I’d say it’s time for you to think about your boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to help. Find a counselor just for you, someone who can help you process this pain and give you support for your boundaries. Find a group just for you. Access the online resources at Bloom for Women.
You do have choices! And whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
I’m so hurt right now. I can’t breathe. Thank you!
Thank you for this Jay. Why can’t they all take accountability like this? Why must they get impatient and angry when we ask questions or are hurt over yet another lie uncovered? Why must we feel unworthy, unattractive, unloved, and unwanted? Why do we have to go through years of hard work to try and trust again or to feel comfortable in intimate situations? Only to have them relapse. How much are we supposed to take before we say enough and walk away?
This last time I was grieving our son, stillborn a year and a half ago, as well as my health. My whole world was upside down. He was supposed to protect me, I was supposed to be able to trust him with my life but instead he made me want to end it. How do you move forward after something like this? All the lies, blaming, lack of respect, accountability, integrity, etc.
If we were talking about meth addicts would so many be quick to tell you to stay and work it out? Why is sex/porn addiction different? It destroys the person, their families, their relationships, sometimes even their careers. Why do the women of these men have to continue to tolerate the heartache? Why should I?
Ending 20+ relationship over this issue, throughout the years I have been so damaged by, it caused me to be depressed, resentful, and dead inside.
I feel no intimacy, so no connection.
Nothing he ever does or say is meaningful or special, at the end of the day I am with a man who prefers porn over me. Porn won and I lost, we no longer have relationship.
I am in the process of making necessary steps to breakaway from this toxic relationship. Over 20yrs relationship thrown to garbage over his precious porn. I had to fight the world to be with this man, now I have to fight myself to bare any moment with him. I can’t stand the site of him or imagine being touched by him.
He bags and talks about love etc, but at this point, I can’t trust and all is beyond repair.
The thought of him touching me disgusts me, I lost intimacy love I once had and I know they’ll never return no matter.
No amount of prayers and therapies can heal our relationship or bring back what’s lost forever. Over 20yrs together, spent 10 years fighting over it, so many times got lost over this, now everything is just too late…
I’m so sorry. Your story breaks my heart. I hope that with time, as you are safely away from the ongoing trauma, you will find peace and healing.
I hope you have a therapist who’s helping you cope with this loss? I think the online resources at Bloom for Women might also be helpful to you, as they use a trauma-informed approach for their marriage betrayal resources.
Peace and healing to you,
Kay
My husband of nine years is a porn, recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I just caught him for the 12th time taking pics of nude women and l faces of beautiful women off of the tv. He is only allowed to have an old flip phone with no internet access I know that is crazy on my part. He still managed to use it to take pics of women from movies on tv. MA rated movies. I have forgiven him too many times and he just turns it around and tries to blame me and point out my faults. I don’t know what to do about it . I am sick to my stomach. He has made promise after promise to stop, and he says that this time he will stop. Broken record. He is not trustworthy.
I have given up trying to heal. My husband gave up porn again, but after I knew it was in our new house and I was living with a zillion beautiful women, it ruined our new start. I tried fiercely to heal. Lots of effort, completely failed. I am destroyed, but I hope to just go on living. No more healing. I am tired of hoping for what just won’t happen.
Sage, you absolutely CAN heal, but while living with ongoing betrayal it’s extremely difficult, for sure. I hope you will find a therapist just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. (Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.) Bloom for Women is also a wonderful place for support, all online. Peace, Kay
Thank you for the letter its always eyeopening to see others going through the same as much as it dose suck! I am reaching my end. I am tired of understanding being supportive and there then he tells me every time he watches porn. I am so tired of all of this.
Hi Maggie, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re doing through. Please watch this video as it may be helpful for your situation. https://www.facebook.com/CovenantEyes/videos/10156373479384700/
Thank you for this letter. My wife recently found out about my porn addiction about a month ago. It is amazing how strong of a woman my wife is in this, and how she is willing to forgive me and show me grace. Just like alcohol, you don’t think you can get addicted to porn. After a while, you become numb to it, and desensitized. Just like the letter said, I’ve confessed, and the weight of the guilt and lies is off my shoulders, but now my wife is bearing the brunt of it. I have taken accountability for my actions, and I’ve repeatedly told her that none of this is her fault. I would love to just put it behind us, but it isn’t something that is going to go away. We are seeing a therapist to help us through this. As of this reply, it has been a month since I have watched porn. I am feeling better, but need the tools to keep me permanently away from it. I know in a moment of weakness I will fall back into it.
As I fell asleep the other night, I had discernment that my husband was up to something. Before we married, we counseled with our pastor who knew of his addiction, but when I asked my husband if he’d been delivered, he said yes. Well it separated us once, and the other night, I knew. I just knew. I slowly walked into the living room and there he was, masterbating watching porn. It sickens me. I feel trapped in the marriage and entangled in the life of faith we live, and can’t go to the same church as him, and have lost my faith bewildered by what I call, a form of abuse. I’ve lost my faith in marriage, and my faith in God that He will restore. I still see myself leaving. The Lord gave me a dream early that morning. I was getting ready to wash clothes. Opened the washer and saw a huge rat. Doesn’t need revelation at all. I’m coming closer to understanding how much damage this has done, along with anger and hostility from an abusive relationship. I see the codependency now and cannot hide my feelings any longer. It just leaves you with no head of household, and very alone. It was never designed this way.
Hey there. I am so, so sorry for the pain you are experiencing, and I just want to affirm that your boundaries belong to you. You understand the truth of this relationship and you get to decide if this is what you want to live with. Here, here and here are some articles to help as you think this through. Peace, Kay
Thank you.
Thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to hear from my husband. We have been married 11 years and I just found out that he’s continued to lie and gone back to porn. This isn’t the first time and now it’s feeling like I don’t know if I can keep trying. I love him but I don’t think I could ever trust him again. It pains me that I feel like I can’t bring myself to be physical with him because I’m worrying if he is imagining the porn or worse the girl he used to work with that he confessed he thought about while masterbating. I was told by my priest that I need to hold my anger to help him. That I should put my pain aside to help him. It’s hard when I feel like he is not really trying. I feel so alone. I don’t know where to go from here.
Boundaries. Here, here, and here are some articles to help get you started. A therapist, a group, the online resources at Bloom for Women. There’s lots of help available, and you don’t have to be a victim of his bad choices. Peace, Kay
Thank you so much for these words, this means so much to me right now. I know that I will be sleeping in peace tonight after reading this. I needed this. Thank you!
It’s been 20 years since my previous marriage ended in divorce as a result of my ex-husband’s addiction. I’m an author writing a novel based on a family destroyed and in doing research came across this letter. Thank you so much for this. This book has been hard to write because in spite of the abundance of healing God has done in me, and a current marriage of ten years to a man I adore, the 16 years of that marriage left an incredibly deep wound in my life and the lives of my children. So even now, as I read this, I find new areas of understanding, release and healing through my research, writing and reading your letter. I can’t thank you enough. You’ve written everything here that was said to me, and never acknowledged by my ex. I will include the link to this in the end notes of my book because every wife needs to read this. May God bless and keep you and your wife.
Lord, thank You for allowing me to find and read this. Thank You for instilling in me the wherewithal/courage/conviction/means to end it. I know You forgive my sins and for that I am so grateful. Please help me feel my purpose/meaning in Your world and in this next phase, even if I remain uncoupled, to build the abundantly joyous life You have for me. Please help me remember that we are all just people and that You are love. Amen
Thank you for your letter. It resonates deeply in my heart. It is exactly what I’ve been saying to my wife of 40-plus yeas since she found out my addiction year and a half ago. It ruined her completely. Overnight she changed from a ever-smiling sweet outgoing lady to a quiet stay-home woman. Many times I find her sobbing in the middle of the night and my heart bleeds. But that also greatly motivates me to get over my addiction. I have not watched any since the day she found out. I show my affection and pay attention to her a lot more than before. But my remorse and apology don’t seem to help. The wound in her is so deep that it’ll take a long time to heal. I haven’t seen her smile since. I really don’t know what else I can do. How I wish I could help she get over it quickly!
Thank you so much for this. Everything in this is everything I’ve always wanted to hear. God bless you for giving you these revelations into our grief + for taking the time and care to touch all of the women who are struggling alone. We are so very alone in this struggle, even if we aren’t. Nobody can be there everyday like a husband should to care for our hearts and hear what’s inside of us. This made me feel a little less alone for now. And gives me hope that it’s possible by God’s grace for him to see what you’ve seen, too.
I can’t thank you enough for writing this letter. This letter speakS to everything that I have been feeling and going through for the past 24 years. When I started readingthis, I was ok. However, with each passing sentence one tear became 2 tears to 3 tears then I just starting sobbing. This is all I ever wanted to hear from my soon to be ex. I never will. Thank you for helping me close that chapter in my life. I truly believe I can now begin to heal. Thank You
I cried this morning, tears i needed to cry. I needed these words more than i realized.
Thank you
I have been stuck in a marriage for 34 years with so many cycles of finding porn, husband repenting and then doing it all over again. I don’t even have a desire for intimacy any more. Last year he yelled at me and told me to stay off his phone, and not to expect him to stay away from it. Now he’s into it again, I care but I don’t really care…just so long as he keeps his hands off me. Then I read that its the “wife’s fault”. Or that porn is okay. If its okay why do I feel destroyed inside?
Hi Jayne,
First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you have been going through this trial for so long now. I imagine you are feeling a wide array of emotions, including hurt and betrayal. I hope you know that this article is not saying in any way that this is your fault. What it does say is that many times, men trapped in porn addiction will say that it is the wife’s fault, but this could not be farther from the truth. We also do not believe that porn is okay. Again, for someone trapped in addiction, they may try to justify their porn usage by saying that porn is okay, but this is so so false.
It is normal for you to feel destroyed inside. You are enduring a tremendous trial, and this is made even more difficult by a spouse who doesn’t seem to see that he has a problem. Have you ever involved counseling or mentoring for yourself as an individual and as a couple? If your husband is blinded by his addiction, it may take outside involvement for him to see his need to change and quit. This can come from a church leader, a professional therapist, or even someone trained in sexual addiction rehabilitation. If you are feeling alone in this struggle, I highly recommend you reach out to someone you trust who can approach your husband about this and encourage him to quit porn. Unfortunately, it sounds like your husband isn’t willing to listen to you and your concerns, so an outside influence is needed.
Also, have you checked out the resources at Bloom for Women? I think you will find them to be comforting and healing. I am praying fo you! Be strong. You are beautiful and worth fighting for!
Blessings,
Moriah
This post is from 2017, yet the goodness from it is still reaching people like me who are new to this issue. Thank you so much for writing this. I wish my husband had been the author, but I still greatly appreciate the words. I believe marriage is a sacrament and that means that God is asking me to be strong. I don’t want the badness to win or get any stronger than it has – it could get stronger through divorce by creating more heartbreak in my life and in the lives of my children and extended family. I was so happy before I found out his secrets….I thought I knew him. But he was influenced by badness decades ago. It ends here.