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How NOT to Tell Your Spouse About Your Porn Addiction

Last Updated: July 28, 2020

Matt Fradd

Matt Fradd is the author of Delivered: True Stories of Men and Woman Who Turned from Porn to Purity. After experiencing a profound conversion at World Youth Day in Rome in 2000, Matt has worked through full-time lay ministry in Australia, Ireland, Canada, and Texas. He has served as an apologist for Catholic Answers and has traveled all over the world, speaking to tens of thousands of teens and young adults. He and his wife Cameron have four children and live in North Georgia.

If you’ve been dealing with a porn addiction for any amount of time, confessing it to your spouse can be a very difficult and overwhelming thing to do. The anticipation of their pain and their feelings of betrayal is almost enough to keep you silent.

Marriages weren’t designed so individual people could solve their individual problems. Anytime we harbor secret sin, it has the power to eat away at us and damage our relationships. So when you’re ready to confess, here are a few ways you shouldn’t do it:

Don’t forget to pray.

Ask God to prepare your spouse’s heart for your confession. Ask the Holy Spirit to be present with both of you during this and subsequent conversations. Pray for protection against the enemy coming in to do more damage to your relationship.

Don’t choose your timing poorly.

Sometimes when we need to confess something to someone, we want to sneak it in when there’s not much time so the conversation will be over as fast as possible. Don’t drop a bomb and then expect to move on to your next activity. When you confess, make sure you have the time to allow both of you to talk and process as you need in a safe place.

Don’t expect forgiveness right away.

Yes, we are supposed to forgive one another because we are all sinners and God always forgives us when we ask. Allow for your spouse to be human and know it might take some time for her to come to a place where she forgives you. Also be aware she might verbally say, “I forgive you,” but her actions and emotions might not match up with that right away.

Don’t go in without a plan for recovery.

If you know what you need in order to find freedom from your addiction, let your spouse know how you are actively breaking your addiction. If you are at a total loss for what your next steps should be, enlist the help of a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor.

Related: How to Quit Porn–6 Essential Steps

Don’t stop praying.

Keep praying individually and together. Pray for yourself and for your spouse. The enemy has many entrances to both the addicted and the spouse, but the power of prayer and the Word of God are strong weapons to keep Satan out and love in.

After you confess, you might doubt you did the right thing. But truth is always better than a lie. In order for your marriage to be whole, you and your spouse need to be real with each other. Learn how to best support each other and be mutually invested in each other’s healing and recovery, whether it’s porn or any other thing in the way of a loving, strong, healthy marriage.

For more information, check out the free e-book called Porn and Your Husband


Video content adapted from an article by Jen Ferguson called “How to Confess Your Porn Addiction to Your Spouse.”

  • Comments on: How NOT to Tell Your Spouse About Your Porn Addiction
    1. Dr. Harry Schaumburg on

      Counsellors across the country spilt a couple up for treatment. Why? That is a gross contradiction to “marriages weren’t designed so individual people could solve their individual problems.” This common practice borders on malpractice.

      Reply

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