4 minute read

5 Things I Always Say to Porn-Shocked Wives

Last Updated: August 5, 2020

Kay Bruner
Kay Bruner

Kay Bruner has been married to her husband Andy for over 25 years. For 20 of those years, she served with him at Wycliffe Bible Translators, working in the Solomon Islands preparing a New Testament translation into the Arosi language. They have four children and two rescue dogs. They live in the Dallas area where Andy works for SIL International, Wycliffe’s sister organization. Kay is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Rapha Christian Counseling. She is the author of As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir. You can read more of her articles at kaybruner.com.

I answer a lot of letters from women dealing with the discovery of porn in their marriages. Mostly, they are shocked and hurt and alone, wondering where to go from here. While I answer every one of those letters individually, over time I’ve realized there are some things I almost always say, in one form or another.

So, for women who need to hear these things today, here you go…

1. It’s normal to feel bad. Really, really bad.

Many women who discover their husband’s porn use will end up meeting the medical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Most people think of PTSD as something only combat vets face, but anyone who faces traumatic circumstances—such as discovering that your marriage is nothing like you thought it was—can suffer from the same range of symptoms: elevated anxiety, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, hypervigilance, nightmares, flashbacks, etc.

Related: Betrayal Trauma–The Side of Porn Use No One Talks About

It’s important for us to understand the severity of the impact of porn use on spouses, so that we recognize the spouse’s need for treatment.

I always make this first point, because…

2. It’s pretty common for men to get treatment while spouses get nothing.

I hear this story all the time: “My husband goes to groups, and we’ve been to couples therapy. But I still feel really upset. He’s doing fine, and I’m not.”

Here’s the deal. Men’s groups are great for men. Couples therapy might help keep the marriage together. But if nobody has attended to the pain that the wife has experienced, if nobody’s helped her process that in a safe place, then she’s still got that pain. I’ve seen women who still have PTSD, even though her husband is managing himself well, and they’ve had successful couple’s therapy.

This is my advice to women: See a therapist. Join a group. Just for you. No matter what your husband chooses, good or bad, you choose life and health for you. Get help for you.

Related: 5 Steps to Continue Healing from Betrayal Trauma

3. I see men reacting to a porn discovery in one of two ways, generally: relief or blame.

The “relief” group of men is so glad the story is out. While it’s a huge shock for the wife, the guy feels instantly better, out from under a load of secrecy, and very often feels that he’s been healed of the problem. The “relief” group tends to minimize the problem by thinking it’s all over now.

The “blame” group, on the other hand, minimizes the problem by projecting their shame onto the outside world. They blame women who take their clothes off in front of cameras, feminism for destroying marriage in America today, wives for letting themselves go or being too fat or not giving enough sex or being too demanding, etc. God for making men like this to begin with.

4. Recovery takes time and hard work from both partners.

Whatever reaction you get at the beginning—relief or blame—the road to recovery is long and it requires the hard work of both partners, if the relationship is going to survive.

For the porn user, the road to recovery begins with taking responsibility for self. It progresses to having empathy and respect for the spouse. It includes being vigilant with the practical work of change. It means processing the emotional and spiritual pain that has been shielded by porn use for years. It means getting back up, every single time you fall, taking responsibility, and moving forward.

For the spouse, recovery means a lot of hard work too. It begins with facing reality and taking responsibility for emotional and spiritual recovery, regardless of your partner’s choices. It means seeking support through a therapist, a group, trusted friends. It means educating yourself and remaining aware of what’s going on in your partner’s recovery world, while continuing to take responsibility for you.

5. Change is possible, hope is real. Not easy. Real.

We don’t always get a fairy tale ending in this life with bluebirds singing and hearts and flowers following us off into the sunset. Sometimes the change that we want doesn’t happen at the rate that we want, or at all. Sometimes the change happens inside of us, instead of in the relationship. That’s a tough reality. That’s a different kind of hope.

What we know for sure, though, is that Love never lets us go. Nothing separates us from Love. Nothing. Ultimately, that is our real, true hope.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31-39, NLT)

Related: Hope After Porn–Grasping for Air, Hungry for Grace

  • Comments on: 5 Things I Always Say to Porn-Shocked Wives
    1. Andrew on

      Kay,
      Thanks for the great article. I sent it to my wife.
      Is there any basic advice you would give me as a husband as far as how I can encourage her?

      And I always appreciate the great comments you have on other posts. Keep up the good work.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks, Andrew! I think the best thing you can do is listen to her and pay attention to how she feels. Not just about the porn stuff, but all the time. I know that’s hard work, but it pays off big time. I wrote an article a while back about building that kind of emotional trust. It includes a short video from the world’s foremost marriage expert, Dr. John Gottman, that’s incredibly enlightening. If you want to do your marriage a world of good in general, check out his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s the very best research out there on how successful, happy couples make that happen.

    2. Hi Kay on

      Hi Kay,

      Like your articles but I want you to write one for me that says “girls stop tempting and using sex to get what you want”. Nothing you say is wrong in your articles but the reality is that constantly bashing men will change nothing. Absolutely nothing because you don’t address women. There are billions upon billions of nude pictures and movies of women out on the net. Hundreds of nude selfie sites were women are taking pictures of themselves and posting them for free. That is millions upon millions of vain girls that do nothing but tempt. So telling me I need to be pure is just nonsense when women throw sex in my face constantly. There is a biological component to all of this you know. The sexual drive region of the brain is 2.5 times larger in men than it is in woman. I can send you the research on this. Women flaunting sex is like a crack dealer flaunting crack in front of a crack addict. Now unless God got it wrong with creating humans then we must account for this massive differences in brains. Women must take responsibility and frankly no women are taking responsibility. This is why CovenantEyes will always be in business (lucky for you guys). But if you really want to help out the porn issue —- ADDRESS what WOMEN do. Because right now they are getting a free pass in our society.

      Steven

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Steven, I’m really sorry, but I won’t be able to take you up on that.

        What you’re doing here is blaming women, blaming biology, and blaming God for your choices. The world is a broken place, and we can’t make it exactly the way you want. Unfortunately, this is one of the lies porn tells you: you can have it any way you want. But the truth is, you can’t make 3 billion people behave exactly the way you want. And even if you could, guess what? You’d still have the pain in your heart that drives this need for porn.

        You’re going to have to figure out what to do in this terrible, imperfect, awful world with that pain.

        What we each do with our temptation and our pain is our own personal responsibility. As long as we’re stuck in blaming others, we’re going to stay stuck in unhealthy habits and bad relationships that may make us feel good for a minute but kill our hearts in the long run.

        The good news is, there is plenty of grace and mercy and help and healing. It’s just never, ever found in blaming other people. And you won’t ever find me writing an article that says so.

        Blessings, Kay

      • Chana on

        Genesis 3. Adam blamed God and woman. You and you only will give account before Jesus.
        The argument It’s that woman that you made won’t hold up. It may be demonic level temptation, or you lack of taking responsibility for your actions.

      • Kay F on

        What a cop out. Just because there is evil in the world does not mean you have to engage in it. That’s the whole point of turning away from temptation. Not using the temptation as an excuse.

      • Sarah Espinoza on

        The women who are porn stars do not know Jesus and have believed a lie, or have been intimidated into it, or have felt they had no choice, many of them are victims of the porn business themselves. My husband recently confessed a porn addiction to me and is owning up to it as his responsibility, not blaming it on all the images available to view. You might not be able to control what comes in front of your eyes but you choose to keep looking or turn away on purpose. Ask your wife to help you, open up to her and be honest with her. And I know some women do use sex to manipulate. But you need to have open communication if you feel that is happening, not betray her by looking at porn.

      • jennieinky on

        Um, What kind of Internet usage do you do, because Im online about 8waking hours of the day, as is my husband. I am on Facebook, Amazon, YouTube , Amazon Music and Books, online “for fun” slots, Pinterest, sale ads, looking for information about our dog. He researches our health issues, movies, the dog, music, we get a kick out of reading Amazon reviews together (some of the best are for SUGAR FREE Haribo gummy bears. I almost had a asthma attack from laughing so hard. Dog shaming pics are pretty funny too. He likes researching our vacation destinations too.
        Here is my point: all this time we spend online, neither of us are unwittingly accosted by fully or mostly nude women (or men).

      • Susie on

        And yet…I’ve never been to one of those sites. You have to look for them. It’s awful that they’re there, but that isn’t an excuse to look. I think that’s the point this article makes.

        There is a whole store full of alcohol just a mile from my house. I pass stores full of alcohol constantly, anytime I go anywhere.

        It’s not the stores’ responsibility to keep me sober, it’s mine. It’s not their fault if I drink too much, get addicted, lost my family, etc. It would be mine.

    3. Steven C. on

      Kay,

      I am disappointed in your response because you ignored facts. Facts that any of your readers can easily see for themselves and research for themselves.

      a) There are billions of nude pictures made by millions upon millions of women — that IS vanity and using sex.
      b) There is substantial difference in a man and woman’s brain — there IS a biological component.
      c) Women do flaunt and use sex — I can list plenty of websites, tv shows, and advertisements that show this.
      d) God did make us did he not?
      e) Women do have a responsibility to not do born do they not?

      Since you are so fond of telling me what I did — let me tell you what you just did and encourage you to reexamine the shallowness of your faith. What you did here was pass the buck the way Christians usually do. You do not address facts, but cling to some pie in the sky notions and disregard legitimate statements. Now, if you want to claim there is a God and that he is all knowing and perfect, you MUST address the biological differences he made in men and women. You must also deal with the female responsibility in all of this and you must hold women biblically accountable. Again, I and all your readers can see the hypocrisy in your response. It is easily seen and a mouse click away.

      Kay, this is why Christianity is failing in America. The hypocrisy. Again, I challenge you to write an article that holds women biblically accountable. If you don’t, then your entire faith is a sham. Your faith is just convenient for you and you ignore all female responsibility in this. Would you like me to send you the vast amounts of research on the differences between men and women? Would you like me to point you to website after website where women flaunt sex? Would you like me to send list after list of shows?

      Sorry, the old Christian cop outs are not sufficient on this one. Either hold both sexes accountable in the Christian faith or hold none because what you are doing right now is utter hypocrisy. It is not faith. It is just wishful thinking and you are cherry picking the bible to suit your preconceived agenda.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Of course human beings, male and female, are out in the world every day making bad choices. That is what human beings do: Christians, non-Christians, everybody.

        Our only course of action is to take responsibility for our own choices. Nobody else causes us to make bad choices. We do that for ourselves. Until we are willing to face that reality, and deal with the pain our bad choices have caused to ourselves and others, we will continue to blame others and be stuck in our bad choices. That is a choice we can continue to make, for as long as we choose.

      • Geert Welling on

        Dear mr. Steven,

        Please consider the following facts, from the stance of researching;

        a) using sex is lust, which is forbidden, it is hurtful, it is love of oneself, egoism within group, always destructive. pictures are forbidden as well, please see the 3rd Commandment, we’d redirect our attention most often in direction of making ourselves God instead of Acknowledging Him.

        b) Thanks for confirming Gods Word true as it exists as long as time exists, there are indeed significant differences between men and women, as the Bible so eloquently describes us. Please let me remind you that men will have power over women (one of those biological differences indeed), which still both physically as socially as economically as emotionally is not just true to this day, against whoever and whatever that wants different, very easily proven. We also see that rather men instead of women are warned through say the Ten Commandments (men shall not look in vein to women), confirming not just again another biological difference, also easily proven to this day a difference about men having more to do with these sexual lusts, women rather care, why Luther said ‘the most beautiful thing in this world is a woman with God in her heart’. We also see this in various other places, another example ‘one of the four riddles in this world, is how a man treats a virgin’. So yea, long before you and your so called science has confirmed it, the Bible told us all these biological difference already.

        c) Who said women don’t have lusts at all? The Bible?
        Jeremiah 3:9 “And it came to pass through the lightness of her whoredom, that she defiled the land, and committed adultery with stones and with stocks.”
        Ruth 3:11 “And now, my daughter, fear not; I will do to thee all that thou requirest: for all the city of my people doth know that thou art a virtuous woman. ”

        Many thanks confirming the very old Scriptures True.

        d) God did indeed make us, thanks for confirming the Bible again! We see this geneologically confirmed, as our dna suggest we evolve from one pair, women really have one rib less, as the Bible told us about womens seeds (eggs) thousands of years before we found out in I believe the eighteenth century if I’m right. It could have been the nineteenth century as well. You call this an accident? Would you realize that our regular science has never produced something likewise that cannot be refuted? Most often science is refuted within the century. We’re talking about thousands of years here, besides those people writing the Bible back then were from human perspective much less developed as the ‘science’ in the eighteenth and nineteenth century, no?

        e) To not do born? Are you allright? Everybody has responsibility. Besides, do you realize how the constitution is based from the Bible? Do you realize how we have fought for centuries before getting such a constitution and none of our solutions worked as well as this thousands of years old suggestions? Do you realize that we still enjoy freedom of religion because nobody can really discover for others whether God exists or not TO THIS DAY? Even Einstein confirmed that. Besides, thousands of years before your Copernicus existed, this same Bible told us about a spherical earth already.

        So yea, pity that I see a whole lot of hypocrisy, I don’t think you are born with the responsibility of that brain of yours to spew assumptions just like that.

        Thanks for considering, I’d like to welcome some of your real research and true arguments.

      • George on

        Steven,

        I agree with you. When some Muslim countries ban Pornography, why not some Western Nations with more Christans ban Pornography, if it is destroying people’s lives?

      • Stephanie on

        This is like saying, I’m 500 lbs but I’m not responsible for it because candy is everywhere! It sounds in the check out lines, and store even the movies! It’s not MY fault I eat it everyday, so the candy companies should be responsible too.
        What we chose to do with our temptations is our own responsibility. If you can’t accept that, then maybe it’s time you open up to someone that can show you how.
        I’ll pray for you.

      • PornSucks on

        The sad thing is is there are just as many things that’s scientist and doctors get wrong on a regular basis that it’s list of faulty research as long as the list of your porn videos. I just have one question, you are talking about brains like you’ve dissected one yourself and know how one works. The truth is they don’t know jack about the human brain, and a bunch of other crap they put it and take back every couple of years. Sounds like a bunch of porn addicted male scientists could have got this together as an excuse for themselves to their wives and for all the other men in the world to spread a lie from Satan whispering “see this is how you were made you can’t help it” To me the liquor stores and signs and temptation are equivalent to your yours, but I make the choice to not look at them anymore. You believe everything doctors/scientists say? How do you know YOUR brain is like that? Just one question. How do you KNOW. There’s has been hundreds of years of research and then turned out to be wrong. I’m sorry it just sounds like excuses to me and every other man and woman who know that the part of your brain that controls descision making works just as good as the part of your brain that causes you to want to do or see anything. Just cause parts of your brain have a bigger area than other parts doesn’t mean it works better. And I’m sorry to tell you but they are only still discoving the human brain even though they have been working on it for hundreds of years. Plus God is the one who created your brain. So now are you saying God created all men to be cheaters? Cause I know a couple of men that recovered from porn use and never used their brain or they way it was made as a factor for stopping them. Human will is the most powerful part in any human. Keeps your mind closed and keep believing the research that came from people who tell you you came from a monkey and that don’t even know whether the earth is flat or round. But yes I do agree with you, woman should stop running around with no clothes on. It’s shameful. You have just as much right to say that to them as anybody else though I hope you do know that. If men told women to put more clothes on sometimes I Garuntee you some of them will. But men don’t usually want women to do that you know you’ll never hear a guy be like “geeze your boobs are showing there are kids and teenagers here you should be ashamed of yourself” lol.

      • Angie on

        Steven,
        The basis of Christianity would fall apart if they acknowledged the true and verifiable findings concerning the brain”s control over human actions. All of society would crumble if the average American admitted that some people only succeed because their brain functions a certain way, a way that benefits the rulers or the most powerful of that society. You are wasting your time because they will never ever ever ever ever admit that brain chemistry and functioning matters. They can’t because they would cease to exist since you can’t tout the notion of free will if it is shown to not exist.

      • Beth Ann Brandt on

        My 1st Marriage ended in its 25th year do to his on going sexual addiction. It stared with Pron. I’m so thankful for ministries like this and that you are helping men & women. I want to help others get healing.

      • M. Collins on

        Many Women and Men both are Addicted to porn! Women are more secretive because we are expected to carry the moral torch!
        The male Sex does not own Sexual Temptation and there are No medical Facts that support what you say! There is theory, but if the size a brain REALLY meant anything, Elephants would all be genius’.

      • Samantha Niehage on

        The differences you’re naming in the male brain are meant to be invested into the marriage. Sex and the desire for it is meant to strengthen the marital bonds and bring the two into intimate times where they are vulnerable to each other.

        Any manipulating by the wife involving sex or any other means is included in her getting the help she needs and making sure she’s taking responsibility for her health and actions/reactions to the situation. If she takes those steps she will not feel the need to behave in ways of manipulation towards her husband.

        As far as society goes, in Christianity we refer to that at the World. We are called to be apart from them and are not responsible for their views or actions. Just because it feels good, tastes and looks good doesn’t mean it’s yours for the taking. Because poisonous berries exist in nature and are available for potential consumption doesn’t mean it’s healthy—just as the Bible says, “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.” You can do whatever you want, blame whomever you want, but it doesn’t mean that it’ll do you any good.

        At some point each person has to take accountability for themselves despite the actions of others, and that is what this is about. It’s acknowledging that wives experience pain because of their husband’s choices and actions, but that that does not have to define how they have to live their lives—that there is a better way of healing awaiting them. That they have hope beyond these circumstances.

    4. Andrew on

      Steven,
      You say that telling you to be pure is nonsense when sex is thrown in your face. Well then, how is it that many men are pure? I know many trusted men that are faithful to their spouses in the area of sexual purity that live in the same world that you and I live in. They seem to be able to do it. You need to be mentored by men that are on the path of sexual purity. That is what I am doing. And if you have a body of believers around you, you can share openly and honestly with these trusted men. They will help you to take responsibility and focus your life on Christ.

      I would have to say that if all the porn sites and sexually explicit material went away, and if there was only one porn site on the internet instead of the million+ porn sites there currently are, I am guessing that you and many other men would find it and look at it. You need to be honest about this. As it says in James 1:13-15 says, a man is tempted when he is dragged away by his own evil desire. Then when it conceives he sins. You and I chose to sin. And you and I have the power, through Christ, to overcome sin. If you think this is unrealistic then you need to have your mind transformed, because you are believing lies told by the enemy.

      Reply
      • Ann Nonimus on

        Steven is mixing up who is doing the flaunting. This article is for the betrayed wife, who did not post nudie pix. He also mixes up the animalistic urges and the civilized brain’s instruction. Just because I have a hand doesn’t mean I am allowed to murder someone for their gold. Finally, he needs to look up the definition of hypocrisy, which is a person saying one thing and doing another. I don’t see how this applies to anything written here.

        Steven is angry at God and Christians, and I urge him to understand there are very wonderful Christians who behave in kind and moral ways because of the only commandments Jesus gave: Love God with all your heart. Love others as you do yourself. All the other crap ascribed to Christianity comes from the various religions glomming on to the teachings of a most kind and loving man who had the spirit of God in Him.

    5. mal on

      Steven, I think you have point. I think many ordinary women do not embrace modesty the way we ought to. We do have a responsibility in that area. I was thinking about getting a two piece swimsuit this summer before I get “too old”. I see most women do it and thought I should too. But then I started thinking of how awful I felt seeing my husband stare at women at the beach. I don’t want to be the woman who tempts men to lust. I might feel great and sexy in that suit but if causes a man to lust then I should refrain.

      This is an example of how I need to be pure, considering others before myself and fulfilling the responsibility that God has given me. Likewise, each person must choose for himself or herself if they will do the same. We can’t change other people, we can’t change the world, but we can have the courage to choose to be responsible for ourselves.

      You can find purity even with the world against you. God is for you, and He is patient.

      Reply
      • Becca on

        Oh please it is 100% natural for a woman to want to look her best, b4 aging process begins, and wear a stylish swimsuit and be proud of the way she looks. Espically if her body and confidence took a grest deal to obtain. She should not be made to consider mens, including her own, disrespectful lusty leers or wandering eye. As long as her motives are pure and she just wants to look and feel good, alive , proud , and not some damaged plot to engage every man’s sexual fantasies, or to make hubby jealous ect…. she should never shreak from being herself and be made to ” tone it down some bc some men cannot control themselves or look at her as a turn on ect… you get my drift and should any woman find a problem with your sporting your new 2 piece suit ,
        3 words. THEY r jealous!!!

    6. GB on

      STEVEN,
      Having been a part of recovery programs attended by MEN and WOMEN I can tell you that woman struggle with this topic also, and many of them are trying to heal from the consequences of their own actions AND/OR the actions of others. Have you ever thought that maybe the women that are on those sites or behaving in unhealthy ways are actually in the same boat? Sex addicts or struggling in this area? They deserve grace and forgiveness just as much as you do. I hope you find healing. Women are not the problem. That’s the easy way out.
      Although, I too would like to see more material written about some of the points you bring up, but
      NOT to pin the blame on anyone… to shed more light and understand.

      Reply
      • GB on

        Also… I’m not sure what your experience has been, but I have also experienced some very unhealthy, hurtful, unsafe, and hypocritical people and situations in church. I felt my spouses part was minimized, my feelings invalidated, and opinions dismissed. I struggled with trust, betrayal, anger, and pain… But in time I moved on and forward in my own recovery.
        I learned the hard way that I’m responsible for being and finding SAFE PEOPLE and BOUNDARIES.
        I hope you

      • Kay Bruner on

        There are absolutely unhealthy, hurtful, unsafe, and hypocritical situations and people within the church. I’m so glad you were able to get past those painful things, and move forward anyway. That is really all any of us can do with our stuff: take responsibility, have good boundaries. Thanks for sharing.

      • M. Collins on

        Steven,
        I do believe that both genders should dress modestly but it won’t ever completely stop the sexual objectification of women or sex addicts. It will present less for them to lust after but an SA will actively seek it out without help anyways.
        It would be very helpful if porn was illegalized. As I believe this unhealthy, shameful Addiction is butchering marriages everywhere as it slowly desensitizes husbands hearts towards their wives and families and it is so much more accessible through the internet than it ever was when there was only printed porn and age minimums to purchase it.
        God tells us to bring all thoughts into captivity and to the obedience of Christ. We will be held responsible for our choices.
        If your eye offends you, pluck it out (not literally) just look another way and move your mind onto another subject. It is a habit forming self control habit that many have formed.

    7. GB on

      find healing.

      Reply
    8. Bill on

      As a 67 year man I have realized I was addicted to porn. I was exposed to porn at a young age, probably 10 or 11 years old. Sex was something I equated with what I deserved, required to live, a reward for me. I was a selfish person, a person that could justify almost anything that lead to my sexual gratification. I was wrong and I am asking God to forgive me. Sex is ” NOT ” life.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Bill, it always makes me so sad to hear a story like yours. I feel like you got robbed, at a very young age, of the joy of connection and emotional intimacy. Sex can be a really wonderful part of a great relationship, but when sex is all you have, it’s a poor substitute. I’m just sorry that you lost so much of your life to that. I hope you’re finding help and support as you recover? I think groups can be a great place to work on real relationships: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, SAA. I believe that there is healing for all of us, hope for all of us, redemption for all of us, and very often we find those things in community with one another. Blessings, Kay

    9. Geert Welling on

      Thank you for publishing so many facts, texts about so many real problems, that very potentially teach your visitors about very important reality.

      This is very different than relative useless entertainment news e.g. telling us how any celebrity joins his/her toilet. I’m absolutely impressed by such effort to quality.

      Very, very helpful contributions.

      I’d like to offer you my views in addition to this text;

      at point 3 to my concern you forgot a third possibility of how people can react, it is called ‘acceptance’. Relief is figuring as if the problem is already over, while not taking in account that spouse is absolutely not relieved, as long as spouse is not, it is love for oneself without actually having solved the problem.

      Blame can be two ways. The way you eloquently described is trying to verdict others, this is not so good, sinners, sick people who need a doctor, don’t often blame others. The other way is blaming oneself, I don’t believe so many people can really do that. And the ones that can, would have been protected from heavier sins such as the one sin against the own body, adultery.

      Acceptance, of ones wrongdoing, that it now is not even half past solved and this sudden big problem delivers priority above initially (before discovery) set priorities, in far most occasions, and demands acceptance, in order to Trust. Acceptance does not mean that one does not need to work according to best ability.

      Then I really feel the need to address the following sentence;

      “What we know for sure, though, is that Love never lets us go.”

      Which is absolutely true, once we have gotten Love. Would we have it, we would have been protected against the heavier sins such as this one against the body, proving a different situation. That doesn’t mean that we can still hope and be crushed below the Law, in order to find ourselves completely and utterly powerless, to such extends that we cannot do anything but be brought to embrace He who is standing there with open arms for a long, long time already. Until this moment we are blind while seeing, deaf while hearing. So that we finally really learned that we are sinners, for its the person thats brought to realize that he is a true sinner and sick and in desperate need of a doctor. Those other people feel the reality of sin, though in the bottom of their hearts ‘nobody wanted, not even one’. See, we cannot set ourselves free, we would make ourselves God, we need to be set Free. Hence, Jesus would not have been necessary otherwise. Besides, there is no acceptance of person since His introduction of Mercy bond.

      Thank you very much.

      Reply
    10. Michael Leahy on

      Kay, thanks for your post. I thought it was well written and was especially glad to see you bring up the issue of relational trauma in spouses and their need for recovery, too. However, as a recovering sex addict myself and sexual integrity mentor who’s spent over 4,500 hours over the past 6 years personally guiding SA men to freedom, I’ve worked with a lot of men who I believe make up a 3rd category of men who get caught. I guess you could call them “repentant.” These are men who look at first like your “relief” men in their response to getting caught. The major difference is that they’re willing to acknowledge they have a problem and want to get help. Very seldom do I ever meet a man who responds to being caught with a sense of relief, but then immediately claims that he’s healed by virtue of his being found out. Most often, the problem these repentant men face isn’t so much that they minimize the severity of their problem (although I’ve worked with a ton of these men, too, but I wouldn’t say that they’re truly repentant – they’re just sorry they got caught). The problem repentant men run into is their lack of clarity as to the actual depth and breadth of their problem and it’s underlying root causes. They’ve avoided deep introspection for so long that they simply underestimate the severity of their problem and the damage it’s done to themselves and their loved ones, especially their spouse and children. So while I agree with you that there are a lot of men who are immediately relieved once caught and will often dump a whole litany of their past sexual sins onto their spouse in immediate disclosure with the selfish intention of feeling better themselves, I know from first hand experience that there is a group of men who know they have a problem and really do want to get well. If that wasn’t the case, then I wouldn’t be here today.

      Reply
    11. Daniel on

      It doesn’t matter how many vain women post how many pictures on whatever websites. Its like I tell my kids, I don’t care what every one else is doing, as long as you are doing the right thing. We can’t control what others do, we can however control how we respond to those people, and if we view those pictures or not. I say this as a man, and a Christian that has struggled with porn almost all of my life. It. Is. Not. The. Posters. Fault. It was mine, and yours and whoever gives in to the temptation to click that link, or go to that website. Stop blaming others for yours, and my shortfalls. Instead, search your own heart, seek the path that the Lord wants you to take, and be blessed.

      Reply
    12. Elizabeth on

      Porn has destroyed everything that was dear to me and my husband just says there’s something wrong with me and that I’M manipulating cause I’m so hurt and depressed that I don’t even get out of bed anymore or play with our kids or want to touch him anymore (for about a year.) I also went through an entire year before this year of “fruitless” intamacy (for me not him) with him as a result of him telling me he preferred porn over me. Then last year he told me that for every one feature I have that’s nice there are a million better women online for any and every feature I have that’s cute or for any dance I could ever do or anything. Has anyone else’s husband said and done these things to them and act like it’s no big deal and that they should get over it. But he expects me to believe that he doesn’t do it anymore . I literally have no one and I’m to embarrassed to share this and a lot of other equally deadening comments he’s made to me and about me with anyone in person, but I need help. Badly. Can anyone help. I’ve lost complete hope in men or that I will ever have a life or trust any man ever again cause of porn. It literally destroyed my lifelong dream of family. I feel like I don’t even have anything to live for anymore. And I’m 31 now so I can’t divorce and find a new man, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to ever come close to trusting any man ever again or thinking they’re ALL a bunch of degenerate worthless disgusting perverts. I’ve been having 9.75 out of ten men since I was 3 years old trying to rape me. I’ve only met about 5 men in my entire life who hasn’t tried to molders me. I think all men are this way and it’s very hard to find one that won’t have sex with children if he had the chance. Then porn literally shows men raping 18 year old girls like it’s going out of style and men LOVE IT!!!! Is humanity lost cause of porn. Scientist also say that porn addiction LEADS TO beastiality and child molestation, is the cause of impotency, if there was a form of impotency for women my husband watching it already did that to me, I can’t even get off anymore cause I’m so disgusted with my husband about it, sadly this used to be my favorite part of our relationship now it’s the worse part in it, now they want to teach little kids to consent to sex at the age of 5 and men are now asking that children be allowed to decide whether they have sex or not and asking that raping children be mad legal, no ones kids are safe, no ones homes or marriages are safe cause of porn. What’s worse, kids that murder people, a lot of little children murdering people were watching violent porn before they killed the other person or were exposed to violent pornography before they killed the person, and scientist say that 89% of porn consumers like acts of aggression and violence in porn more than anything else. It makes me think all men who are porn addicts are automatically child molesters. And if porn is causing so much trouble, why can’t people make it illegal somehow. Or have it ordered that they stop feeding violent porn to people cause it’s causing a rape riot in men AND little boys. More and more little boys are raping other know kids cause of violent porn exposure. It seems to me like it’s destroying America. Not to mention all the people participating in porn who are proving to be mindless beasts and degenerates with no feelings or soul. Men in the porn industry PREY on 18 year olds, I had a group of men try to talk me and pressure me into doing a porn video for over a month when i was 18 and finally one of them felt bad for what they were all trying to do to me and talked to me about it. I was pressured so bad for so long I almost considered doing it but one of them asked me if later when my son is older would I care if he seen me. Or will I be ok with the fact that everyone is going to be able to seee me doing that for the rest of my life, and I KNEW then that I didn’t want to do it. NO 18 year old is responsible enough nor due they have the life experience required enough to make a decision like that that will affect their entire life like that. Girls should at least have to be 21 and not a mental case before they’re allowed to decide if they want everyone in the world being able to watch them get raped on national television for the rest of their lives. I say girls cause most women under 25-28 are just still girls. Girls breast don’t even stop developing till up to 23-25 years old. So how is it that a little girl who they’ve decided is not mature or responsible enough to have a beer yet in responsible enough to prostiute herself on public media. A descision that will affect the whole rest of her life. And honestly, what real men want to marry and have kids with a woman that his dad and brothers and own kids could watch on tv with just the push of a button? And most women say they regret porn that do it. And the one that don’t regret it yet are just the ones that are too young and nieve to even really fathom the life changing descision they are making or have made. I feel like cause of porn, phones and sex dolls and fantasies are going to replace real women as some sick attempt at population control. It ruins people’s sex life=no babies. It causes impotency! again=No babies. It causes kids to murder other kids reducing the population and turns men into mindless beasts who get so worked up by porn and want to have sex as a result of it so bad they are willing to screw and animal or a baby. Either way again=no babies. It think porn is a way bigger problem than men are wanting to admit that it is and that it should be made illegal

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Elizabeth,

        There are a number of things that you mention here that I hope I can help with.

        First of all, it is true that children “act out” what they have experienced. It is a grave concern that children who are exposed to pornography or who experience other kinds of sexual abuse will often act that out on other children.

        Second, it is also true that men will often take the easy option of turning to porn rather than dealing with their emotions. Our society raises men to ignore, deny, repress, and even despise their emotions. That makes it very difficult for them to engage in emotionally healthy ways in a relationship when porn is so much easier than a real person.

        Third, it is also true that children are exploited and trafficked at horrific rates around the world.

        Fourth, it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you by saying that you’re the one with the problem here, when he’s unwilling to take responsibility for himself. Gaslighting creates a lot of drama that distracts from what he should be doing. It makes you question reality, rather that being able to deal with the truth and go forward honestly.

        However, there are good, healthy men in the world. I know some of them, and I’m grateful for their efforts to be safe and strong against all the toxic influences they face.

        I suspect that your early childhood experience of abuse, and it sounds like sexual trauma in your adolescence also, have made healthy relationships really hard for you.

        It doesn’t sound like you’ve had therapy for your childhood trauma? If you haven’t, that’s what I’d suggest for you first of all. Find a therapist who is experienced in treating childhood trauma. Process through the feelings, and the patterns that were laid down in your early life, and see where you can create healthy new boundaries for yourself today. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries that should be helpful.

        You will probably also appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women when it comes to the issue of marriage betrayal. They take a trauma-informed approach in their work, which will dovetail nicely with any work on your childhood trauma.

        I hope that’s helpful. Here’s the truth: whatever your husband chooses, whatever any man anywhere chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and whole.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

      • Katie on

        31 is too old to find a new man??? Really? You need to get up out of bed, take yourself to a counselor and take care of your kids. Stop blaming your husband for your inability to be a parent. He may he the cause of your depression, but he is not the reason you have no interest on life. YOU have given up on life. If you are willing to allow your abusive spouse to continue to do this to you, you should not complain about how badly you hate men. You are staying in the relationship, and you are CHOOSING to do so. And while you’re too depressed to take care if your kids, who is? Him? That’s super fantastic. So he can teach them poor habits and choices and ways to be belittling human beings. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF, GET UP AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE. If you dont want to do this, dont complain about how terrible it is. And stop behaving like all men are horrid. You are obviously finding them in the wrong places which leads me to believe you arent so perfect yourself. Take responsibility for your life, lady.

    13. Elizabeth on

      And if people can sue Macdonalds cause they got to fat eating their food then women who’s lives that are being destroyed by free porn sites should be able to sue the porn sites. Men should have to pay the same amount for porn as they do for a prostitue. It’s the same thing. And yes porn is grounds for divorce. POV porn is made cause men like feeling like it’s really happening and it’s just him and the girls. So yes it is infidelity it is cheating it is just a bad as a man going out screwing someone and I don’t know a single woman who wouldn’t agree with me. Cause 90 percent of men bring their sick desires as a result of porn to the bedroom. It is straight 100% cheating. I consider my husbands phone the other woman, and he says she(his phone) does it for him and I just don’t anymore I’ll never be able to get his as high as his phone so yes. It is a perfectly more than good enough reason to divorce. The man literally has another woman!!! And lot of them say porn is better than a woman. It replaces a lot of us

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Here are a couple of article that you might find helpful on porn and divorce: here, and here. We are with you for healthy boundaries, and relationships that are true, emotional trust-filled, honest relationships.

    14. Melody on

      Steven,

      How is it that you find your way onto these millions of sites where women post nudie pictures? Do you have no control over which sites you click on? Just wondering. You seem to be familiar with, and talk as if you are an authority on how many sites are out there. How is it that you came by this knowledge? And why were you ever in a position to figure out this information? Could it be choice? The free will choice each and every one of us was given?
      Addicts have a true struggle, I give you that. Alcoholics can blame every single restaurant/bar/corner liquor shop/grocery stores for making alcohol too available. Same with smokers. Online gamers. And any other type of addiction out there. You managing you is all you are responsible for. When you go to heaven you are not going to get to say “Eve made me do it”. That is Christianity 101. You choose those mouse clicks. You choose those TV channels. You choose what your look at. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do so. If you are that filled with lust for women, you might consider that maybe you are possibly dangerous to women around you. I am a woman who personally would not feel safe around you. That’s not some porn star’s fault. That’s not my fault for being a woman. And if you are married, I am certain that you do not value your wife or you would get control of your lust issue. Just sayin. Good luck with that.

      Reply
    15. Lesbian stripper who attends church every Sunday. on

      After reading this debate, I can tell you each you both make good points. However, Steven, you are giving in to your temptation, biology or not.. that was not me saying your wrong, just that instead of blame or tying to prove who has the bigger brain part (hehe), accept that sexual content is a form of temptation.
      And as for you, Kay, I respect your opinion, but you are being a hypocrite. When your child makes a mess with markers, writing on the walls and all… you take them away from the kid and clean it up. Problem is, women HAVE posted their own sexual content all over the internet (and since you have no idea what God really thinks… because you are not Him), and unless you plan on “taking that away” from the world, then deal with it. I appreciate and respect you opinions, but will read no further response to my comment. Thanks for your time to let me call it like I see it.

      Reply
    16. Catrina on

      The truth of it is women and men today view lots of porn. So yes there are men and woman out making it. It is the viewer to persevere and overcome. You are the only one who can choice what you do or view. Only you have say in the decisions you make everyday. There is an age of accountability (to know right from wrong) and once you have reached this age only you can be blamed for your actions not moms, dads, what happened to you growing up or society. Only you decide what you future you choose.

      Reply
    17. Mabel on

      Just wondering how it is that no one has addressed to Steven the MILLIONS of men also posting pictures and videos of themselves? Double standard much?

      Reply
    18. Becca scarpo on

      One can be a Christian and still have porn. What is everyone so scared of? Porn can be a healthy tool utilized in marriage by both partners to save marriages, help 2 people really connect, trust, share, love and grow stronger to withstand temptations of affairs and secret lives.

      Reply
      • Moriah Dufrin on

        Becca,

        Thank you for sharing your honest opinion. I would have to disagree with you, as we at Covenant Eyes believe that porn has no place in any person’s life, regardless of their relationship status. To further this belief, I would encourage you to read our blog post, “Can Married Couples Enjoy Pornography Together?”

        Blessings,
        Moriah

    19. A prayer servant on

      In the last few years, I’ve discovered that many of the pictures and videos online are made with sexual slaves. Kids, some stolen, some sold, many many without hope. Sex trade isn’t always in the dark room without pictures. It would shock you the amount of young children and young women abused sexually that end up in front of a camera of no will of their own. Be careful whom you judge.

      Reply

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