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The Women Behind the Fantasy: The Day I Met a Porn Star

Last Updated: September 8, 2021

Amy Riordan

Amy Riordan is a Christian writer and speaker with a desire to see women’s hearts healed and set free. Her passion is to inspire others to embrace who they were created and redeemed to be. Amy lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and two children. She candidly shares her story on her blog, Longing for Intimacy, encouraging women to pursue an intimate relationship with Jesus, the only One who can satisfy their deep longings for intimacy and connection

Over the last month I have been ministering to a young woman who struggles with pornography. I’m going to call her “Angie.” Angie was so relieved to have finally found a Christian woman who knows and understands her struggles. I, too, have battled a pornography addiction along with same-sex attractions. There is one big difference in our stories, though…

She was once part of the porn industry.

Angie has described to me many of her experiences, including how she ended up in the porn industry. She started out filming with men only and then began filming with women after an offer to make more money. Her emotions were destroyed in the process and strongholds were built that still affect her today. My heart broke for her as I began to realize the damage that has been done to her as a result of the pornography she directly participated in. Then I realized something that I am convinced has changed my heart forever…

I used to watch the very same kind of films that Angie was in. I used to watch the very same kind of films that destroyed her emotionally. I used to watch the very same films without a thought that these women are actually real.

There’s something about pornography that makes people think it is just a fantasy. It’s designed that way. It’s set up for people to be able to indulge in their own fantasies without giving any kind of thought to the fact that these are real women with real feelings.

Behind the fantasy of pornography, there is a real person.

Angie told me about all of the women in the films and how they all had to literally get high to participate. It’s a trap. I never gave any thought at all to why these girls would participate in these films in the first place. I never gave any thought to the fact that many of them come from broken homes. Many of them were abused as children. Many of them see themselves as being worth nothing. How else could they do it? Yes, it starts out as a choice, but it is a trap–the same kind of trap that those of us who became addicted to pornography know all too well.

Angie never had any attraction to women before she started filming with them. The women in these films are encouraged to show “emotional displays of affection” because that’s what the consumers want. This is the very thing that trapped her. Her staged emotional displays of affection towards other women in these films caused her to eventually develop strong desires for same-sex relationships. Now she is a Christian woman trying to overcome the temptation to look at the very thing she used to be part of. Now she struggles with an attraction to women that she does not want. Now she cannot have a man even touch her shoulder unexpectedly without her shuddering.

The young women in these films have such hurt behind what is seen on the outside. Ministering to Angie has made me realize that I, too, looked at these women as objects. (I somehow thought only men did that.) When we (as men or women) indulge in pornography, the women become objects to us.

They become what and who we want them to be.

For many women who struggle with pornography, it is so common for us to put ourselves in the place of the women in the films. We want to feel wanted, needed, and desired. This makes the women in these films objects, though, when we do this. This is something that I never recognized until the other day. I will never forget that moment of literally feeling the pain of this young woman who I was talking to. I felt her pain. I felt the destruction that has been caused in her life due to this industry. It made me feel such anger that such an industry exists, because it destroys everyone who participates in it.

And then the moment came when I realized I have seen so many of those films. When I was indulging, I never once gave any kind of thought to the pain behind the eyes in those women and what it was doing to them on the inside. As a woman, that is very difficult to admit.

When it occurred to me that Angie could actually have been one of these women I once saw and gave no consideration to her being a real person, my heart broke. I have felt so grieved since then. These are real women. It may sound ridiculous to even have to say that, but I think if we all realized this, it would be much more difficult to look at pornography.

For any of you who struggle with pornography, I challenge you to consider everything I mentioned when you feel tempted. Please realize that if you ever find yourself indulging in pornography again, realize that it is all a facade. These women have to actually get high to do what they’re doing. Many are not enjoying it. Many of them hate it, and these women are dying inside because of it. Many of them get into this industry as young girls having no idea the consequences they will have to deal with years after they get out.

Very soon I will be speaking to Angie again. I don’t think that she was actually in any of the films that I saw, but I feel like I owe her and every other woman in those films an apology for treating them like objects. I owe them an apology for using them as though they weren’t real. I owe them an apology for contributing to their pain. My heart has been broken in realizing what I have contributed to.

I have come to realize over the last few years just how much this subject has hurt me and how much this has hurt my husband. I never considered how it hurt the very women I was lusting after. Very difficult to say…but true.

I am so thankful that I serve a healing God. Jesus is healing Angie’s heart and emotions. She has given her heart to Him! Strongholds that have been built in her life are being torn down. Great things are happening for her, and I look forward to seeing the fruit that comes from this young woman’s life who is passionately in love with Jesus. Jesus can heal even the most broken, shattered heart. He even healed my heart through the experience of Angie—in a place that I didn’t even know needed healing.

Have you been affected by pornography? Maybe you are addicted, or maybe you’re a spouse, parent, or person in the industry itself. Jesus can heal you and transform the way you see! He can set you free from the prison that this addiction puts you in. Layer upon layer, He can heal your brokenness and restore you to the person He created you to be. Thank you, Jesus, for being my Healer, Deliverer, Restorer and Redeemer.

  • Comments on: The Women Behind the Fantasy: The Day I Met a Porn Star
    1. AmyChristine on

      Wow. Incredible story and heart breaking.

      My story is similar so it was easy to relate. I’m 32 year old single woman who has been addicted to porn since seeing it at 8. There has been the ongoing issue of same-sex-attraction yet being attracted to men also.

      I’ve been encouraged over the years in attempting to break free, to see porn for what it really is…

      However, your story, encouraging us to see the REAL people in the films. It’s hard to imagine they get high to do it..But if I think about myself, I probably would have to get high too to engage in acts I’ve watched.

      My prayer is for Jesus to break these chains in 2012..I want Jesus to be the Lover of my soul!

      Thank you for sharing!

      Reply
      • Amy on

        AmyChristine,

        I’m so glad you were encouraged! You’re right about Jesus being the Lover of your soul. So much of this comes down to intimacy. We all need it, but we often look for it in the wrong places (myself included!). Keep pressing into the freedom that Jesus has for you, and He will continue to heal your heart! He will break those chains!

      • Jeff Mckeough on

        Thank you for sharing this i struggle with porn and I wish I could break the addiction. I do pray that I can with God’s grace I will over come this .

      • Julie on

        You only refer to the women in these film as being hurt. Don’t forget the men are die get inside as well.

      • Kayode on

        Thanks you Jesus

    2. Andrew Jaye on

      I can’t really believe that these things happen. I must remind myself not to look at those pornographic websites as that is NOT something Jesus would want at all!

      Reply
      • Greg on

        I have to remind myself, Andrew, what i am saying when I do those things. I say with my body and mind “I don’t care you are a whole person, I just want to use you to feel pleasure”. That is what it is, even if we are doing it to deal with our loneliness, our sadness, our anxiety, our exhaustion. Coping is healthy only if it is properly ordered. This sin, in what it does, is not properly ordered. Exercise to overcome temptation is, as it helps us gain control of our body while also praising it as a gift to be cared for. However, even exercise becomes unhealthy when it is directed toward pride or vanity. That just is not it’s purpose. One can see that in how it effects other things, just like how doing porn and masturbation effect other things. Not that it is everything in moderation, but it is everything in it’s proper order too.

    3. james cordrey on

      this is courageous of you, Amy. thanks for sharing this heartbreaking story. it is so important for us to recognize the truth; everything about porn is a lie. every man who indulges porn needs to read this post.

      Reply
      • Amy on

        Thank you, James. It definitely was not easy to write, but I’m so glad God gave me this perspective to share with others who have struggled with the same thing.

    4. Antonio on

      “These women have to actually get high to do what they’re doing. They are not enjoying it. They hate it, and these women are dying inside because of it.”

      This is a pretty broad generalization. I’m sure there are women who are doing porn who are enjoying it and don’t get high.

      Reply
      • Leah on

        She didn’t say she surveyed every single woman who did porn. Her whole point is that it is dehumanizing to the viewers and the performers. She is sharing a story to help restore some of their humanity and recognize how it is harming a real person. What is the point of your comment? It is devisive and antagonistic and adds nothing to the supportive environment of this forum.

      • Andrew L on

        I like what Shelly Lubben said that some of the woman act in porn because they hate men and they know that it will ruin them from ever having a real relationship

    5. PD on

      Nobody is paid more money to do girl-girl. This is simply not a reality. This makes me wonder how much of this article is truth and how much simply Christian propaganda.

      Reply
    6. Alex on

      For years I watched bondage films where woman were featured in things that no one could possibly call the true intentions for sex. It doesn’t matter rather or not these girls are all high or rather they get paid more for lesbian films or not. These woman go into the industry for much the same reasons we started to look at porn. In addition, they are the ones on the screen. Some of them originally think it will bring them glamour and fame, and for some it does, but for everyone it does horrible things to their bodies, minds, and souls.
      I’ve read stories too. We can make ourselves believe that those don’t harm another person, but that’s a lie too. Any sexual sin harms the people in our lives. The women we hold dear, the women we meet, the woman we may be dating, engaged, or married to. Everything is connected. There is nothing in our lives that we can do or not do and have it not affect another part.

      Reply
      • Caroline on

        Alex, thank you for your comments. God bless you. I feel so angry when I see people attempt to justify porn. You are so right when you say “there is nothing in our lives that we can do or not do and have it not affect another part.”

    7. Struggle on

      Ever since this addiction started I took false comfort in thinking I was only watching films in which the women enjoyed what they were doing, but one day while watching one of my favorite actresses I took a look at some of the extras & she didnt seem at all to like any of it. This caused me to really wonder for a time about whether or not women even enjoy this sort of thing. But I forgot about it, but then a few months later I discovered these covenant eyes articles. & this article made me think back to that moment when God was trying to open my eyes. As bad as I feel about myself after reading this I do appreciate knowing the truth as it will help me in the fight. Id rather know the ugly truth then continue to live in sweet lies.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        It is amazing what can happen when we peel back the layers and see what’s really going on.

    8. Aaron on

      This story definitely resonated with me and broke my heart. I also struggle with same-sex attraction, and actually know someone in films I was watching. He and I had worked together a few years back, he was pursuing an acting & modeling career last I knew. We lost touch, then one day I stumbled on his picture, and tons of videos on a gay porn site. My lust and curiousity took over, and I indulged at the expense of my former friend. My many questions and lack of answers drove me to that site over and over again. Reading this article, I thought of him. What happened to get him to that point? What pain, abuse, and addictions are now a part of his life because of it? I pray that one day I’ll be in a place where I feel it’s safe to reach out to him, but for now I don’t think it would be wise since he has been a trigger for me in the recent past.

      Reply
    9. Artan on

      Thank you for sharing.

      Reply
    10. Michael on

      I would imagine that not every single woman making pornography hates it. Some may enjoy it and some may tolerate it okay…

      But I can recall seeing some scenes that were truly brutal to the women involved. I was never searching for that extreme comment, but it surfaced and found its way before my eyes.

      In those horrible scenes at least, it was completely obvious that the women hated what they were experiencing… they did not, or could not, even try to hide their disgust.

      I appreciate this post. It reminds me that ALL of the women in pornography are, in fact, being misused and mistreated (even the ones participating freely), because this is not what God made them or their bodies for… they all deserve better. I will really try to remember that going forward.

      Thanks again for the thoughtful post.

      Reply
    11. Josh on

      Article is very insightful to what really happens in pornography. Many people misunderstand & think (me included) that this men and women enjoy what they are doing, but really the opposite is true. As we fight this battle, I urge those reading not to take a blind eye to the truth, for the truth is what will set you free. Focus on God and his beauty, ask him for the grace to change and remold your heart to love him who sacrificed his own son – Jesus, to give you freedom & liberty from all sins & temptations. Don’t give up, God loves you & he shall surely make a way.

      Reply
    12. B.e.Mendel on

      So amazing article, his grace is sufficient to help us psalm 46:1

      Reply
    13. Frank on

      My Orthodox priest has said the same thing, most, if not all of these women are forced into the porn industry due to trafficking or life circumstances. I struggle with sex and porn addiction. I have a wonderful, supportive wife, who I have a great sex life with and I still struggle with porn. I pray for everyone viewing this site as well as those poor women who are living this horrible life. Jesus loves them and us and he will make it all right in the end.

      Reply

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