7 minute read

The Lies That Kept Me Trapped by Pornography

Last Updated: April 3, 2019

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

I can remember very vividly what it was like to feel the pull of pornography. I can remember those long nights, exhausted but still alert, looking for my fix. I would drag out the ritual for hours: sometimes on the Internet, sometimes visiting adult video shops, sometimes engaging in phone sex.

I would have told you then I wanted to stop, but the very idea of stopping was terrifying to me. As a Christian, the conviction about my porn use haunted me. But the idea of completely removing porn from my world sounded like air being sucked out of the room: what would I be left with if I didn’t have this crutch to lean on?

Lies About God That Kept Me Trapped

There was a time when I had given myself over to the lie that looking at porn, no matter how hard I tried not to look, was an inevitability. For the first few years of this downward spiral, I was racked with guilt.

During the last couple years of it, I was too exhausted to feel guilt anymore: it was just a foreboding sense of hopelessness. There were times I had no faith that I would ever change.

If you would have asked me if I was doubting God’s ability to change me, I would have said no. After all, God can change anybody, but only if they “do their part,” right? Only those who muster up enough faith can call on God to do a miracle, right?

But I was believing a lie about God: a lie that said God can only change the willing. The fact is sin runs in our veins; none of us are willing. None of us can create faith within ourselves. It is a gift from God (Ephesians 2:8). I needed only to come to God with my empty hands, my weak faith, and my total helplessness and say, “I believe; help my unbelief” (Mark 9:24).

Lies About Sex That Kept Me Trapped

I was single at the time and had also bought into the lie that marriage and sexual intimacy were somehow basic rights that had been denied me. I believed sex was not only a desperate biological need, I believed sexual pleasure was, in a way, the goal of life: a promised land I had yet to enter.

Porn was my way of cheating the universe that had denied me; it was my tantrum at God.

Had my mind not been so clouded at the time, I would have been forced to admit marriage was no more a “right” than anything else in life: it is only by God’s undeserved mercy and patience that I have any blessings in my life at all. Had I been thinking straight I would have understood that sex was not a “need” at all (at least, not in the proper sense). It was I, not God, who had turned a normal sex drive into something “desperate.” It was I, not God, who had elevated sexual pleasure to a place it was never meant to occupy.

I say all of this not to be “down” on our God-given sex drive, but to put it in its proper place: for only when it is in its proper place that I can enjoy it without it enslaving me. Sex is good (very good, actually). Sexual pleasure is good. Marriage is good. It is even good to desire them.

But when I believe I “need” them, then God becomes a capricious Creator bent on placing people into impossible situations, demanding chastity but pushing us beyond the breaking point.

Knowing these simple truths—that sexual pleasure is a desire, not a need—then I am free to place it alongside other good desires and alongside God’s commands and see it for what it is. I am free to repent of my warped and selfish version of sexual pleasure without fearing that I am denying or rejecting some essential part of me. And I am free to pray to God without anger in my heart for “making me this way.”

Lies About Marriage That Kept Me Trapped

I write this today as a married man. Getting married certainly did not cure me of my desire for porn. No, God had begun transforming my heart long before I ever met my wife, and even now, I still depend on Him to continue that transforming work.

Believing “marriage will fix me” kept me trapped because it meant as long as I was single I could settle for less than God’s standard.

I believed marriage would be the cure-all, my “in-house fix.” But the very nature of porn addiction exposes this lie, doesn’t it?

Marriage is about intimacy with one woman. But what I wanted in porn was the variety: it was never enough to lust after one woman. What kept the porn-viewing ritual going for hours was the high I got from thinking about “the next girl,” the next video clip, the next picture, believing there was always something better around the corner just waiting to be discovered. Often I would stop looking at porn and just “get the job done” not because I wanted to stop looking but because I was exhausted.

Sex in marriage is something good, something in keeping with God’s design, but what I wanted in porn was the sense of the “forbidden.” Marriage doesn’t cure a desire for porn because even in a sexually vibrant marriage, your wife is not forbidden. She is yours. The sinful, coveting heart that I had before marriage is the same sinful, coveting heart I have in marriage. So long as I am vulnerable to coveting, I am vulnerable to lust.

Sex in marriage is also a giving act, but what I wanted in porn was entirely self-centered. For me, porn fueled a life-long fantasy to be desirable, irresistible. While fantasizing or watching pornography, porn stars were not the focus of my attention: I was. The porn girls were more or less trophies of my fantasy: their “beauty,” their avidity, and their hysterically euphoric response to “me” was the whole point. Nothing about lust prepares someone to be a real lover.

For all these reasons, it should seem obvious to us: the pleasure of marital sex cannot quench lust any more than fresh baked bread quenches my desire for cake. Lust is the function of a sinful heart—not just a “single” heart.

That said, there is something powerfully transforming about marriage…

Know How to Take a Wife

The apostle Paul writes,

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, RSV)

When it comes to God’s sexual standards, Paul gives us the bottom line: we are called to be sanctified. This literally means we are to be consecrated or set apart to God, and thus set apart to His desires for our sexuality.

Paul believed this meant knowing “how to take a wife” in an honorable way. Paul is telling his readers to turn their attention to and learn what it means to acquire a wife in a way that is holy, in a way that shows we are set apart to God. It means showing “honor” to women and to the God who made them: giving them the dignity fitting of their worth as people created in the image of God.

  • Reading this as a single man meant I was to repent of my life of fantasy that treated women like objects and instead set my mind to understanding what it meant to pursue, date (or “court” if you prefer), and marry a woman in an honorable way.
  • Today as a married man, this means continuing to show the same honor to women, and to prize my wife as one created in God’s image and one I should willingly die for.

When a man sets his mind to this, whether single or married, it can have a powerful impact on his heart. It helps him to see and choose the beauty of self-giving love over the false beauty of fantasy. God has given to husbands the high calling of emulating a divine kind of love that can be described as nothing less than breathtaking: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This was how Christ won his bride: He died for her. It is this kind of love-to-the-death, this self-giving love, we are meant to find so captivating.

Redeeming Intimacy

When I was knee deep in porn every week, one of the motivators that kept me coming back again and again was my sincere desire for intimacy—but an intimacy without risks. I wanted to be close to others, but necessarily vulnerable. I wanted a real relationship, but I wanted to be in control. Porn gives us this illusion: we can feel “connected” but not have all the mess of a real relationship.

More than anything I needed to run to God as a Father who is sovereign over my relationships. Relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. Emotions are messy. But God promises that everything we go through will work for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). God can and will take all our relationships—even our failed ones—and use them to conform us to the image of his Son (v.29). Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex.

When an attractive woman comes across a man’s field of vision and he feels that twinge of desire, that man can prayerfully confess:

“Lord, my eyes easily lead me astray. The sin in me wants to treat this person as an object that makes me feel special, significant, and attractive. Forgive me when I indulge my lust. But you, God have pointed me to a truer beauty. I turn my thoughts now to Christ who shows me what love and faithfulness really look like. Enlarge my heart and give me power to understand the love Christ has for me, even in my sinfulness. Let this immeasurable love pierce through my selfish desire to make everything—and everyone—revolve around me. I turn my heart now to my wife, the one you have given me. Inspire me to love her with the same kind of love.”

Dr. Tim Chester says it best: “A life-with-porn versus a life-without-porn is a poor choice. A life-with versus a life-without. If you set it up in these terms then you won’t produce lasting change. We need to set it up (as it truly is) as a choice between life-with-porn versus life-with-God. We need to show how God always offers more than porn” (Porn Free Church).

  • Comments on: The Lies That Kept Me Trapped by Pornography
    1. Donald Lindsey on

      Luke—my prayer is for many men (single and married) to see the wisdom in this post. It is a poignant confession and a victorious statement. You have blessed me over the years. May many men read it and become overwhelmed with the compunction which drives us to our knees and the throne of redemption.
      -dbl

      Reply
      • kelvin on

        dis for sure is a gud confesion and i pray it changes us amen

      • Matthew on

        Help!!!! I’ve been praying to get out of online porn…. But i just less than a week i am once again looking at porn…????? i am 13 almost 14 and i am struggeling and i am way to far and to scared to tell anyone and to embarresed so plz help me!!!!!! And this email is my family’s since i don’t have my own…

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey there Matthew. Well, I’m a mom and I’ve got three boys. And I know it’s difficult and embarassing to talk about these things with your parents or another adult, but I’m hoping that you will. I think you need help. First of all, your internet needs to be adequately filtered. Secondly, you need someone to talk to when things don’t go well. And third, I’m pretty sure this is just one of a long list of things you’ll need help with over the course of your lifetime. I hope your parents can be that source of help and support for you, but we’ll never know if you don’t ask for help when you need it. I’d start the conversation that way: Mom, Dad, I’m asking for your help. And then tell them what you need: internet filtering, accountability, and a safe place to turn when you’re in trouble. I know it’s hard and embarassing, buddy, but it’s really important to be brave and reach out. If you’re afraid the converstation won’t go well with your parents, ask a guidance counselor at school or maybe a youth pastor to help you out. I’m sorry you’ve had to struggle with this by yourself up til now, and I hope you’ll be able to reach out for the support you need right now. Blessings to you with lots of prayers, Kay

      • Hug on

        I am saved but my mind is overwhelming over sex

      • Chris McKenna on

        @Hug – sex is a God-created, awesome thing. But, within the confines of what He designed. Our thoughts can take this awesome thing and take it in all kinds of unhealthy directions. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Keeping our thoughts and struggles in the light is so helpful (James 5:6). Have you tried memorizing scripture (specifically related to controlling our thoughts, like 2 Corinthians 10:4-5)? Just to get that same mind soaking in the Word.

        Peace, Chris
        -Covenant Eyes

      • Oskars on

        Hi I’m 24 years old and I have a same problem like every one else.iam a Christian to and I was watching porn for years. I am shame for what I did. I’m always letting God down. I’m always promised my self and God that I’m not going to watch porn any more,bet I keep failing. I’m scared that God is not forgive me.because i m doing that things. And also I have a fiancé and she means world to me.when I and my partner sleep together or have sex I fell that I treat her like an object not a person. She’s really mean everything to me.I’m shame of my self. I’m also try commit suicide couple times.because for what I done I don’t like my self.plz help

      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello, Oskars – I’m proud of you for leaving your comment here because this is a very difficult area. I’m deeply concerned about your comments about suicide – here’s the truth…you have unmeasurable value! Your life is a precious gift and a blessing to this planet. Please find someone you can talk to about your struggles. Whenever you feel tempted, turn that trigger towards something else, even reaching out to someone you trust (I know it’s uncomfortable to talk to someone about this, but think about how much better you felt after posting this comment? Multiply that by 1,000 and that’s how it feels to speak openly with a loving, trusting person about your struggles). If you don’t have anyone you can talk to, and you start to have suicidal feelings again, promise me you’ll call this number: 1-800-273-8255, if you are in the United States. If not, please find that trusting friend.

        God is for you! Oskars, you can get through this, and it will be hard work, but it’s worth it. Remember the strength you have in Christ – Romans 8 can remind you. The cross of Jesus Christ IS strong enough to overcome everything. Even this.
        Peace, Chris

      • Luis on

        I’m been trying to quit 100 % but is hard.. it’s a way to scale of my reality and problems… but logically will be worse… I will do it… thanks foR share…. so it’s possible…

      • Gus on

        Howdy, I enjoyed your articles and appreciate much of what you have to say, but sometimes it seems it sounds to me like you’re saying that otger people in our lives have to meet our needs before we can overcome sin and have sexual freedom. Like when you say we must have genuine intimacy in our relationships in order to overcome porn addiction, for example. But what does this do for the single person who currently has few friends, perhaps none of whom are too close? I mean, surely he can work on his relationships with others, but in the meantime surely it’s not true that overcoming sin is so dependent on other people that it will be utterly impossible without developing these relationships first? All that stuff kind of sounds like it comes from Mascow’s hierarchy of needs. Could you please provide some clarification for me on this point?

        Thanks,
        Gus

      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello, Gus. I’m glad that our posts are helpful. Although I did not author the post, when I read Luke’s comment, “Knowing this, we can pursue genuine intimacy with others in a godly manner, not run to the fake security digital sex,” I don’t read that Luke is saying intimacy is exclusively sexual. Relational intimacy with our Lord and others is healthy and necessary and if approached prayerfully, can satisfy our desires. So, for the single person who has few friends who are close, this will be difficult. Which will require all the more that you read and believe God’s promises, pursue Christian accountability, meditate on the truth of sex, as Luke stated, “that sexual pleasure is a desire, not a need—then I am free to place it alongside other good desires and alongside God’s commands and see it for what it is,” and pour yourself out in service to others. Is that helpful clarification?

        Peace, Chris

      • John on

        Redeeming intimacy 3rd line shouldnt it say NOT necessarily vulnerable?

      • Chris McKenna on

        You’re correct! And, this has been corrected. Thank you.

    2. Ebow Ferguson on

      Sounds encouraging. Time will tell the effect of this on my little or wavering faith.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        @Ebow – Thanks for stopping by. Hope your find the resources here helpful!

      • Ruth on

        I’m 12 and I have the same problem I m scared to tell my parents and they told me they are proud of me for telling them everything but I am scared that if I tell them they wouldn’t love me anymore and that when they look at me they’ll see a disappointment my mom told me that whenever you see stuff like that it becomes part of your soul I don’t want to become part of my soul what do I do this is hard for me I need help ??!

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Ruth.

        You are so brave to speak up honestly about the struggle you’re having! I think you’re going to need to be a little bit braver still, and tell your parents about what’s going on with you. Yes, they may be scared about what you’ve seen. Maybe they’ll be upset about it, even.

        But here’s the thing. You need help. You’ve gotten into things that are designed by adults to trap you, and you need adults who will help and support you in getting out of that trap. There IS a way out of this, but hardly anybody finds their way out alone. Even grown-ups need help with this. So, even though it’s hard, please do the brave thing and ask your parents for help.

        As far as porn becoming part of your soul–well, our sexuality is a part of who we are. And just like all the other parts of ourselves, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of being. Porn is an unhealthy way of being with our sexuality because it treats other people as objects to be used, rather than as people to respect and relate to. I think when we really start thinking of other people as people to respect, when we work on being honest and open in relationships, then that tendency to make other people into objects will have less of a hold on us. Our souls will be about loving and respecting others, not using them for our own satisfaction.

        So I would say this. Your soul is a great and beautiful thing, created to bear the image of God. The choices we make impact our souls, for sure. But a sad, crippled thing like porn does not have to control your beautiful, God-created soul. Your soul is more than capable of growing into the wonder it’s created for.

        Real growth is hard! It takes courage! But it looks to me like courage is something you’ve got lots of. So, talk to your mom. Ask for her help. And trust that God’s love for you, and his ability to redeem everything, is far, far greater than porn.

        Love and prayers for you today, Kay

    3. brad on

      Thank you brother!!! Currently going through recovery and meeting weekly with 2 other guys to do life together. Your post phrased it exactly how I needed to hear it at this time in my life. I know God’s Word is the ultimate read but that was just awesome (better than any self help book I could’ve read)! May God bless you and your family. B-Rad

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        @brad – Thanks for the compliment. God’s word is living and active!

      • Ruth on

        Thanks oh so much it means a lot to me that you’re helping me with my problems today I listen to a preaching that I believe was God telling that I should tell my parents and now that you have responded, I know what I have to do thank you so much!!!!!

    4. Anonymous on

      I’m a teenager and i am a christian. I have had this sin in my life for a couple years now. I looked up “how to deal with porn for christians” or something and the only one i could find was super judgemental and assumed you werent a “true believer.” It kinda made me mad. Anyways I eventually found this article and reading this has brought me to tears. It’s at least a step in the right direction. Thank you so much.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Anonymous. Thanks for your comment. The conviction you feel now is the Holy Spirit’s work in your heart: believe that. Believe that you are being pursued by God at the moment. I have no idea how long it will take for you to break free from the grip of porn, but no matter what, believe this: God does not regret saving you. God does not regret sending his Son to die for you or filling you with His Spirit. He does not regret the promises He’s made to you. You are His, messes and all.

        I recommend you do two things. First, do something radical today that severs your access to porn. Radical. If it means ditching access to a smartphone or a computer when you are by yourself, do it. If that means outing yourself to your parents or friends, do it. You may think that’s a high price to pay, but the price for continuing down a road of sin is always a higher price.

        Second, talk to someone you trust who can serve as a spiritual mentor. Being discipled by someone older, wiser, and equipped can be the first big step you take to freedom. Use something like this accountability discussion guide and meet on a weekly basis. Unearthing the root of sin is something we do surrounded by Christian community. We are called to mutually confess our sin to one another and pray for each other (James 5:16). We are called to speak and listen to each other in such a way that we can help one another see how sin is operating at the deeper heart-levels (Hebrews 3:13). Those trapped in habitual sin are given the gift of spiritually mature leaders who can help carry their burdens, mentor them, and mend their fractured hearts like good spiritual surgeons (Galatians 6:1-2).

        Please comment back and let me know how you’re doing.

      • Andrew M (AKA Anonymous) on

        Hey. It’s me again “Anonymous”. I just got finished watching that stuff. Which made me feel guilty and I googled how to quit porn. I saw this and was like “woah he actually commented!” So that’s the story. Riveting I know. Umm it’s funny that you mention the phone. See I’ve been considering getting rid of my smartphone but then my parents will be all “why do you want to get rid of your iphone?” And I won’t have a reply for them. I really appreciate the comment btw.

        Ps: I feel like a complete jerk for making that whole spiel about ” a step in the right direction” and stuff and not following through. Sorry.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        It’s alright, Anonymous. These threads can be hard to follow.

        Stay strong in the fight. You might consider letting your parents in on the situation if you feel they could lend some support to you. What do you think?

    5. Andrew on

      That would be a little difficult. Especially with my mom. I don’t want to let them down. And I would probably end up watching it again after I have told my parents at some point. So they will be upset because i said i was going to quit and did it anyways. It would cause to much drama, i dont think it would be worth it. I have an accountability partner though he’s my age and going through the same temptation.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        You know them best, obviously. Either way, I wouldn’t approach the conversation like, “I have a porn problem, but I’m going to totally quit.” Rather, if you were to talk to them, you might say, “I am tempted to look at porn on a regular basis. This is a strong compulsion in my life. I tell you this now because I think you could help me. I’m not telling you because I know how to beat this thing, because I don’t. It’s been going on too long and I know my weaknesses. I just want to find a way we can make our home as safe as possible for me.”

        I understand not wanting to let them down. I really do. You have to choose to surround yourself with people who will encourage you in this.

        Another option is to find someone who can really mentor you right now as you deal with this. It is great that you have a friend to hold you accountable, but we don’t want that to be “the blind leading the blind.” Is there anyone you know who is older you can talk to about this?

    6. Justin on

      Thank you for posting this, it just kind of hit the nail on the head. Everything, about porn is what im spiraling in. Its instant pleasure for a season, but feels down deep that it wreaks HAVOC on my spirit, and fellowship with the Lord. I will experience a week, maybe two or three, where i get away from it but i always go right back. The desires are so strong. Its like being tied to a rope and you are trying to pull against a bull thats pulling the opposite way…the bull always wins. This sin is big and i know i cant handle it on my own :(. Ive asked God so many times to just remove the desire, or to give me an abundance of strength, and i just fail Him yet again, and again, and again, and again. Ive been at the hopeless stage you were talking about for quite some time now. “Ill never be able to stop, its always going to be the monkey on my back. Ill never get the freedom i desire, or be able to truly love my future wife for what she is.” I know without a doubt God can change a heart, but ive been believing that he just cant change mine, because im worse than the rest. I often reflect on the innocence of childhood when i never knew these things, and know ive ruined everything. Everything. Honestly, i just dont know what to do about it anymore, because ive obviously been hooked behind the jaw and theres no swimming away it seems.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        I get what you’re saying, Justin. I do. I have had that same hook in my jaw before.

        God is bigger than your sin. You know that already. But God is also bigger than your doubts.

        Do you confide in someone about your sin? Who do you confess these things to? Is there someone who is not only holding you accountable but able to disciple or mentor you through this?

        When you rush back to the porn, how do you get to it? What are your access points?

    7. Justin on

      No i havent confided in anyone. Theres maybe one person i feel i could really trust to talk to about it, (hes a strong christian, older and grounded in the Word) and ive come millimeters from speaking to him, but then i chicken out from embarassment. I then start to think i can really handle it on my own.. When i go back to it, i have a laptop, and mainly my smartphone.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        If this man is grounded in the Word, then it sounds like it is reasonable to trust him with this secret. Talk to him. Sit down with him and share your story. Ask him if it is okay if you confide in him about a serious problem in your life. Tell him you need his listening ear and advice. If he is open, confess your sin to him. This sin thrives in the dark, so bring it into the light. It is by confession and prayer that we are healed (James 5:16).

        More than likely, this thing will not go away after you confess it. It will take time living out the other “one anothers” of the Bible with this older man. Let him disciple you. Let him encourage you, teach you, even rebuke you if needed.

        A couple tools that might help you:

        Download this free e-book I wrote on godly accountability. You and this gentleman could read it together, and it is specifically geared towards men in your position and grounded in the Word.

        Another idea is you could watch this video series with the gentleman. They are free to watch online. Get together once a week and watch one of the videos. Talk about it when you are done watching. The counselor who is doing the presentation, Brad Hambrick, is a friend of mine and a widely respected counselor in the Christian world. His office will gladly send you a workbook that goes along with the videos if you e-mail them. (You can e-mail his assistant, Amy LaBarr at alabarr@summitrdu.com.)

        I hope these resources help you!

    8. shawn claybourn on

      I am a 42 yr man been with my wife for 10yrs approx now and I’m addicted to porn..its destroyig our marrieage but I can’t put it away. I want to more than anytjing because I don’t want to loose my wife. She is my best friend. But I can’t find a way to productively talk to her about my problem. She feel very threatened and betrayed . I would never follow through with any physical contact with another woman, but can’t leave porn Lone..looking for some good advice to help me save my wonderful marriage

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Shawn. What have you done to make changes so far? What have you done to put distance between yourself and the porn? Might I suggest doing something radical: find the access points and close them off. It this means locking down every Internet device in your home, do it. If this means installing an accountability program on all your devices and having your Internet report e-mailed to your best friend, do it. Don’t let any excuse get in the way of this. If you know you will justify looking at porn in your weakest moments, then get rid of the access. This is a place to start.

        You might want to download these free chapters from Dr. Doug Weiss’ books. They will help both you and your wife.

      • Yong Shun on

        I Have Been Addicted to porn since thr age of 14 (Im 15,Christian) And Im pretty ashamed with the problem im dealing now and i dont dare to confine this problem with my parents as they will most probably throw me out of the house(They watches porn too btw) i do have some one who is mature and wise abt it but i cant trust him cuz we met only ealier this yr i rlly rlly want to quit,but all this temptation ard juz wont let me do it (singapore is a place,whr u know..
        ) i rlly want to quit as everytime i watch the guilt is cominh rlly great but my hormones is juz drivin me crazy even to a point im thinkin of porn. I have stuff like keepin myself busy and playin computer games but it juz cant work im rlly sry but if anyone can help recommend me smthin effective to quit my addiction ?

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi YongShun, I know how hard this can be. I highly recommend you check out this e-book. It’s free and it has a lot of great information in it.

    9. sam on

      Hey i need help ive been a porn addict since i was about twelve my older brother introduced me to porn. When i was younger i thought the same that a wife will help stop the addiction well it didnt of cours. anyways i was an athiest before i met my wife who is a long devoted christian but i never told her that i was addicted to porn. infact when we started dating she told me “if i ever catch you watching porn i will leave you” so i never told her and i still am battling this addiction we have been married for 6 years now and i dont know who i can trust or who to turn to about this i am very depressed and ashamed of this. please help i dont want to tell my wife it would just hurt her so badly, i dont want her to leave me her and God is all i have left in this world and i dont know what i would do if she is gone thanks and God bless

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hey Sam,

        This can be a scary thing, for sure. You could really benefit from a friend who can become an accountability partner and counselor to you. Do you go to church anywhere? Are there any men (older, wiser men) who might serve as a good mentor to you? Face to face accountability is critical for finding your way out of this trap.

        If you’re not sure how to have a good accountability conversation, I highly recommend you grab this free book (you can download it from our website). It takes you back to the Bible and helps you to understand how to have a beneficial accountability relationship. The book will help you to go deep and really get to the root of your addiction.

        As for your wife, I do believe the best thing for you to do is tell her, but it might be helpful to find an accountability partner first who can talk you through this. It would be really helpful to rehearse with him this conversation beforehand. Will your wife leave you (like she promised)? I don’t know. But as a Christian, it is so important not to live a life of lies and deception. If you tell her, it will hurt (both you and her). She will likely feel betrayed. She will have a lot of forgiving to do. You will have to rebuild her trust. There are likely some lies she will start telling herself as a result: that everything in her marriage is a sham, that she wasn’t enough for you, that you can never be trusted again, etc. She will need time to work through all of these things, and it will be up to you to be as patient and understanding as possible, accepting the consequences of your actions, but trusting in God for the results.

        I pray you find the accountability you need and that this conversation with your wife leads to a more honest marriage.

    10. shawn claybourn on

      I know where each and every one of you are coming from..I have been using pornographic as an emotional crutch for many years now..it has taken till recently for me to realize that it was even a problem.. it is destroying my marriage and my very feelings for myself..I wish there was a way for me to express to my wife that its not “her” or anything she does or doesn’t do…..please help…lost and on the edge

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        The best way to convince your wife that it isn’t “about her” is to rid yourself of the porn. Yes, I know that’s the very problem you’re facing, and it is a problem I’ve faced myself. But the time has come to do whatever radical things you need to do to distance yourself from pornography. What are the gateways and access points? What radical steps can you take to put all of that away from you?

        Do you have accountability and mentoring in your life? Do you have those you can talk to about this face to face? Someone who can mentor you and help you to get to the bottom of why you have such a thirst for porn? If not, now is the time to find that kind of relationship in your life. I recommend you download this free book to help get you started.

        Your wife will likely need support for herself, someone she can talk to about how this has hurt her. Does she have any friends or mentors in her life? Has she sought out help?

    11. shawn on

      Well guys…..I spoke to my wife today, and even included one friend and one other family member I trust. I explained to them that some things had happened to me when I was young that im seeing now is causing problems. I was honest and open with them, which was really hard because ive only recently started being honest with myself about it. But never the less I did it and now im having a lot of mixed feelings. I hope my wife doesn’t decide to leave me but I think her Christian values will keep that from happening. But I have started the healing process and am going to do everything in my power and with help from the people I have brought into it. Im looking for a good accountability partner and hope to have good news to share in the near future.. god bless you all for helping me see for myself that im not alone and it can be beatin

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        That’s wonderful, Shawn. It’s great that you’ve taken this step.

        Never doubt the importance of the step you’ve taken. The results are ultimately up to God. Only He knows how your relationships will thrive or suffer through this. But being honest with yourself, with others, and with God is first step (a millionth step) that should never be skipped. Keep it up!

    12. Patti on

      My husband is addicted to porn. I found out 5 months ago when I found it on his phone. At that time he told me he had to look at that in order to make love to me and that he wasn’t satisfied. He then told me he wanted out of the marriage, he loved me but not happy, even going to pastor we work for and telling him he wanted a divorce. I wanted to fight for the marriage. After I left town for family to give him time to pack, he called and said he didn’t want to lose me. He began counseling. It went ok for a time. Internet off for his phone and computer. A few weeks ago I got a call from a college student who I was a church leader to and she said he started communicating with her, gave her his phone number, and asked for hers. She didn’t know him and was worried for me. I made him return to pastor, who made him start Overcomers. 3 days later I saw on our online bank statement he rented a movie. Pg13, but one was had walked out on. He told me he returned it without watching. I then checked and found he had rented other movies before Overcomers. Last night I looked at history on my phone and found naked pics he just looked at Friday. For the first time, instead of getting upset, I told him what I found and went to bed. Then I felt I needed to go to him. He as watching sports. I went and laid my head on him and went to sleep after I told him I love him. When we came to bed, he told me he loved me and wanted to stop hurting me. I told him he needs to get free. What do I do? He was told to get an accountability partner but hasn’t yet. I will ask him to do this now. I don’t know if he is repentant but he doesn’t want to hurt me. 3 years of marriage and I thought he had low sex drive or my body was why I was being rejected. I was a full time minister when we met. I am now part time. His failures have affected my life. But I love him. He is younger than me. What do I do? He is going to his meetings once a week but doing nothing at home, no reading Word or prayer that I see.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Patti,

        Your story is devastating. Thank you for sharing some of it for us.

        First, your husband’s porn use sound like its been going on a long time. The hook seems to be buried deep in him. He also shows signs of wanting to take this across the “flesh line” (tempting himself with real people). You are right not to trust him, but it is wonderful that you want to see this relationship redeemed.

        You need to trust behavior, not just what he says. Talk is important, but it is still cheap. Going to Overcomers is a great start. This is important as long as he is being honest there. You should talk to him about other behaviors you need to see in him at home (and behaviors you don’t want to see). He needs to close all access points to porn. When I was really addicted to porn, I went into the shops were I rented porn and told the employees to put a block on my account, not allowing anyone (including me) to rent anything PG-13 or higher. I usually got weird looks, but I didn’t care. I needed to cut things off at the source.

        Have you found support for yourself? Is there a group you could attend, a woman you could confide in? It is so important not to neglect yourself at this time. Here’s an idea: if there are no groups you can attend, find a good Christian friend you can meet with on a regular basis to talk about how you feel about your husband’s struggles. In addition, go through the True Betrayal video series together and talk about what you are learning (it’s totally free). This will give you something to talk about together based on God’s word.

    13. me on

      thank you for posting this embarrassing statement of sinful human weakness. I found this by searching “please God tell me how to stop looking at porn ” anyones prayer would be aprecciated!.this brought me to tears which literally digging the hole to burry my grandfather did not. my prayers go to anyone else that needs help with lust. I know I do and have for many years, though did not realize it until recently. I thank God for your honesty and willingness to try and help the rest of us.

      Reply
    14. annoyn. wife on

      I appreciate your honest post. I am married to a loving Godly man x 9 years. We got married young ( 20/21) and I never knew my husband struggled with porn. He thought when we got married it would go away. 8 years later, through the confessions on many of his good friends from church, he decided to tell me his battle. As a wife, who has not personally struggled in that area, it was heart breaking, and still brings insecutiy, pain, thoughts, and doubt about his intentions, motives, and more. He has since really fought this battle and felt victorious many times, but just recently I found some on his phone when we were actually looking up lyrics to a worship song! The image burns in my head, and has re-surfaced the pain, and insecurity in my heart. I feel God allowed me to see this for a reason, and I know he was devastated as well. He has prayed God take away this stuggle, but I think its just a BIG thing and a constant work. I hope more men get out of the dark ( and women that struggle with porn) and seek accountability. When you are married, it definitely doesn’t just affect you! I try to outwardly be compassionate and forgiving to my husband, but that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt, and struggle inwardly.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Like all things in life, sanctification is a process. Very often someone in your husband’s shoes just wants God to take it away, but in His goodness, God has a much bigger vision than just your husband not looking at porn anymore. He actually want to teach your husband in the process. He’s far more interested the process of all your husband will learn along the way.

        It is good that your husband has help in all of this. Have you found a support system for yourself?

    15. Juanita Nebouh on

      My husband looks at porn and I really hate it. I don’t know how to get him to stop. I always tell him that is somebody’s daughter. That is somebody’s son. How would you feel if you looked at a porn movie one day and saw your daughter in it? That is one of the reasons why i think it is wrong.

      I wouldn’t lie and say I have never looked at porn out of curiosity but I really try not to. Personally I find most porn so offensive. The women are just being treated as objects. In some videos the women even look like they are being raped. I swear they are being raped but it is sold as them acting.

      I can see how it can be addictive for men. But if you feel like you need to hide it then why are you saying it is okay.
      Another thing he looks at is this thing called “bum of the day”. Where you can look at different naked bottoms of anonymous women every day. I find this so repulsive. He sees nothing wrong with it. Now I can actually see him through the corner of my eye checking out the bottoms of every woman that we see in real life.

      I told him the bible says lust after women is wrong. And he says ” Well I have been doing wrong for a long time then ”

      Society is teaching men that it is okay to lust after other women as long as you have a hot shower. They are constantly telling men that looking at porn and masturbation is better than cheating so it is okay.
      Doesn’t the bible and Jesus say that we are not just judged on our actions but our thoughts as well when we come to die?

      I just don’t like it at all. It makes me sick. I tell him it is wrong all the time but I think he is still looking at it.

      I think porn is also giving men a false perception of sex with a woman. Alot of men actually believe that sex is supposed to be like that. That if a woman refuses to do these things we see in porn videos she is selfish and something is wrong with her.

      I personally think e.g that anal sex is wrong. It is so unnatural. Yet lots of people are saying it is okay between married people. A butt is not designed to stick things up it. The fact that you have to go through so much preparation and care to perform anal sex means that it is wrong. Again the husband is reducing his wife to a hole that he gets pleasure from. So many women in this world are subjecting themselves to degrading acts to keep a man so to speak. I don’t understand it.

      Porn is making men into such selfish human beings.
      E.g I often feel like my husband thinks that he has a right to sexual pleasure but I don’t.
      If I tell him to stimulate me during sex he often gets tired or says he doesn’t know what to do and just gives up. But yet I must ache my hand for minutes trying to pleasure him.

      I don’t know what is going on in this world but people are more and more becoming desensitized to what is wrong .
      E.g Look at the music industry. People like Beyonce are calling themselves Christian and being put up on a pedestal for young people to worship. How can it be christian and right to get up on a stage dressed in a panty like outfit like that and open your crotch and gyrate to thousands of people. If Jesus was physically present in that crowd would she dance like that.

      In this world too many people are separating their private self from their public self. It is wrong and sinful. They are saying they are just putting on an act. So is it okay to do wrong things as long as you just see it as an act that is separate from your private life. I am pretty sure that is what pedophiles, porn stars and rapists have been saying for centuries. Now everyday people are saying it too.

      The devil is having alot of fun in this world.

      This world is just going down hill more and more every day.

      PORN IS WRONG. WE NEED TO JUST BANISH THE THING FOREVER.THAT IS SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER AND OR SOMEBODY’S SON IN THOSE VIDEOS.WOULD YOU BE OKAY WITH YOUR DAUGHTER OR SON HAVING THAT AS A PROFESSION?????
      WHY DO WE TEND TO PERCEIVE PEOPLE ON TV AND CELEBRITIES AS NOT BEING HUMAN . THEY ARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US . They are not superhuman because they are rich and famous. They too will be judged when they die for their actions. We need to stop thinking that it is okay for them to do it as a profession but not okay for us to do it. We need to stop seperating life on tv and the media from real life.
      If you wouldn’t do those things with Jesus present then don’t do them.

      Reply
    16. Juanita Nebouh on

      I also happened to come across this summary of the pope’s teachings which will help many of you over come this problem. It hit it on the nail and explains why these things are wrong very perfectly:

      “I Can Look, But Can’t Touch”

      Furthermore, in one of his most profound points in this section, the Pope warns that one can use a person’s body even when that person is not physically present. A man, for example, does not need to see, hear, or touch a woman to exploit her body for his own sensuous pleasure. Through his memory and imagination, he “can make contact even with the ‘body’ of a person not physically present, experiencing the value of that body to the extent that it constitutes a ‘possible object of enjoyment'” (pp. 108-9).

      John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be “raw material” for the development of true love.

      We live in a culture where many men say to themselves, “What’s wrong with having lustful thoughts about a woman? I’m not hurting anyone when I do that!” Even some married men may think, “I’m not committing adultery when I look at another woman this way. I’m still faithful to my wife. I can look; I just can’t touch.” However, we must remember Christ’s stern words about this matter: “Every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Mt. 5:28).

      John Paul II’s insights help explain what is really happening when men look lustfully at women and why consenting to impure thoughts and sexual fantasies is always morally wrong and degrading to women. In the mind of a lustful man, the woman is reduced to the sexual value of her body. He treats her not as a person, but as a body to be exploited for his own pleasure in his glances and in his thoughts. And this can happen even when the woman is not around at all, for he can still make contact with her body to exploit her for his own sexual satisfaction in his memory and in his imagination. This is crass utilitarianism – a far cry from authentic love.

      In summary, John Paul II emphasizes that sensuality alone is not love. It can be “raw material” for the development of true love. But this yearning for the sexual value of the body must be supplemented by other nobler elements of love, such as good will, friendship, virtue, total commitment, and self-giving love (themes to be discussed in subsequent articles). If sensuality is not carefully integrated with these higher elements of love, sensual desire will be harmful for a relationship. In fact, it can destroy love between a man and woman, and it can even prevent love from ever developing between a man and a woman.

      Endnotes:

      The Pope specifically discusses this topic of art and pornography later in Love and Responsibility. First, he says art may at times portray the sexual aspect of man and woman and their love for each other. “Art has a right and a duty, for the sake of realism, to reproduce the human body, and the love of man and woman, as they are in reality, to speak the whole truth about them. The human body is an authentic part of the truth about man, just as its sensual and sexual aspects are an authentic part of the truth about human love” (p. 192). The Pope goes on to say, however, that it would be wrong to portray the sexual values in a way that overshadows the true value of the person. And it would be wrong to portray the sexual aspect of a couple’s relationship in a way that obscures their authentic love for each other, which is much more than sexual. This is the problem with pornography: It draws attention to the sexual aspect of a man or woman in a way that prevents us from seeing the true value of the person and the full truth of love. “Pornography is a marked tendency to accentuate the sexual element with the object of inducing the reader or viewer to believe that the sexual values are the only real values of the person, and that love is nothing more than the experience of those values alone. This tendency is harmful, for it destroys the integral image of that important fragment of human reality, which is love between man and woman. For the truth about human love consists always in reproducing the interpersonal relationship, however large sexual values may loom in that relationship. Just as the truth about man is that he is a person, however conspicuous sexual values are in his or her physical appearance” (pp. 192-3).

      Reply
    17. Brian H on

      Whether we are in porn or not, lust still rears its ugly head in all of us. The prayer at the end is good for all occasions.

      I’ve been reading Freedom of the Will by Jonathan Edwards, and some of his thoughts are very convicting and insightful. For one, he argues that human nature is to always choose what we desire most in the moment of choice. Much like you note in the beginning of this post, we may truly want to honor God, yet we want our sin more. That perspective on desire and will helped me to wrestle against and overcome numerous sins in my life. The cure is not to fight against lust harder in my own strength, but to dive into God and his word. To know God is to love him, and the more we love him, the less attractive sin appears by contrast. This revolutionized the way I deal with temptations, and I hope it will help someone here.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        That’s right, Brian. Edwards hits the nail on the head with this one.

    18. Marie on

      This realization is one of the most saddest truths of life. How naive I was when I first fell in love with my partner. I had no clue what was really happening. He later became the father of my children, and we are engaged to be married. He’s the only man in my life and I am so devoted to him, isn’t that what you guys want? I would never give my body to another. All I wanted was the family fantasy that we girls dream of. I wanted to grow old with my husband, as his presence, smell, and strong arms bring me great comfort. I have learned of this ugly truth with you males and your lustful appetites. It’s not really your fault tho, it just is what it is. Their is no cure, only repression…and what difference does it make. You will always break your wife’s heart because she knows deep down the truth of you, and time is not on our side we will get older and your appetite for young girls will only become stronger. I am so sad tho. I’m going to leave my home and husband to be, I will take our two daughters and start life anew away from the pain that men/porn,lust causes deep within my soul. It totally destroys a girls dreams. How empty I will feel without the father of my children around us all the time. I am scared of the future and what will happen when I and my girls get older. My husband will always want to have sex with the next best thing, young, fruitful, you know that thing that drives you guys wild. I am so terribly heart-broken, but I think I’ll be OK. I’m 29, I used to be the cat’s meow, all the guys liked me. Now my youth is slipping right thru me, and so is my husband to be. Nothing, not even the pure love I feel for my children can fill the void that has been left behind after my experience with the male species. At the end of it all…you’re just a beast.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Do you have some sort of support system to help you at this time? Family? Friends? A church?

    19. Marie on

      No not really. I feel really alone. I am very passionate about my children. I want to be a good role-model for them. Of course the reality of divorce for a family is heartbreaking, but I have realized my daughters are not going to thank me 20 years from now for staying with their dad even though I was miserable. What will that really teach them? He has a daughter from someone else too she is 12, so there is usually a lot of tension in our family dynamic. I thought I may be able to give my children a better chance at life if I can be as peaceful and content as possible in my soul. The porn thing, really your lust as a man just hurts our feelings. You pretty much summed it up in your article, having a wife doesn’t take it away. It’s like we’re (women) damned if we do damned if we don’t. I have been struggling with this realization for years. I tried couples counseling, counseling for myself, self-help books, and soul-searching thinking something was wrong with me, but I realize it wasn’t all in my head. My husband to be really hurts my feelings, and disrespects me. Among other things, I tried genuinely to understand and become a better person as a result of his bad habits and my own. It’s difficult to evolve with my partner because he lies. I have been so kind at times and spoken to him softly and made him feel safe to tell the truth, I begged him to please be honest with me so I can understand and feel safe with him to continue in our relationship but he lies anyways I feel very repulsed by his betrayal. He just won’t tell me the truth. A woman’s intuition is powerful. He gets very upset with me for threatening to leave, oh well…it’s a very long story. I’ve spent years grieving this loss, I knew when I was pregnant with my first something was terribly wrong. I decided to live in denial or hope that he was telling me the truth but almost 3 years later and another baby, things haven’t changed that much. I don’t even think it is so much that he looks as it is he lies about it. Then again maybe it would be just as hurtful. IDK, what am I supposed to think when the porn I find is “young” girls, virgin stuff, and girls who are pretty much in a size A cup. I’m very confused, I just need to set myself free from that danger. I’m trying to please God and my higher self, but my partner doesn’t want to get to deep with things. His focus is on TV, movies, podcast, cartoons, comics…when he isn’t working 12 hr shifts. But then again he said him and the guys were looking at porn at work, a few days ago when me and the children were away I found a bunch under his youtube history. He lied about that to and said he did it at work, but I’m pretty sure he did it when he was laying in our bed at night alone. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Thanks for venting, Marie. We’re happy to listen. I do want to shine a light of hope into your world, if I can. You said:

        “Their is no cure, only repression…[T]ime is not on our side we will get older and your appetite for young girls will only become stronger…It’s like we’re (women) damned if we do, damned if we don’t.”

        It is important to note that many men may be slaves to their passions, but they don’t have to be. God offers men power where they feel powerless. Many men I know strive to make their wives their standard of beauty (yes, their aging wives who look nothing like they did the day of their wedding). The appetite for younger and younger women is not something inborn in a man: it is something he has learned. Rest assured, he can “unlearn” it as well. Men can learn to be drawn to their wives above all other woman or image on the planet.

        I recommend you find a good support system at this time, especially emotional support. You may want to look into finding a counselor in your local area, if for no other reason than just to make sure you are taking care of your own emotions on the matter.

    20. Marie on

      I just suggested time apart, 2-3 months. He said he will think about it. I don’t like the label “trial separation” but I suppose that is what I am suggesting. I really don’t want to leave, but my misery in dealings with his lies and seeking sexual gratification outside of our union is making me very depressed. This kind of stress over a long period of time wouldn’t surprise me if it brought on cancer for some people. Does this sound reasonable to you? I mean, if he isn’t willing to tell the truth and he will continue to use porn and lie about it, than that justifies a reason to leave but it will force my daughters to grow up without their father. That makes me very very very sad. But how can I stay and be genuinely happy, when I can’t even trust him? What’s the point? I do not want my girls to think that is acceptable in a “marriage”. The time apart will allow us both clarity not only as a couple but as individuals. Maybe he will realize he’s been taking me for granted and want to make a change. Maybe he will enjoy his freedom without a lingering eye over his shoulder. Maybe I will start to feel better, improve my health, and get over the pain of losing my family. Or maybe I’ll think this porn thing isn’t so bad. IDK…

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Separation for a period of time is, of course, an option. As you can imagine, it isn’t something advised except as a last resort. From the sounds of things you’ve been dealing with his lies, deceptions, and cheating heart for a long time now. The decision to separate is not an easy one to make, especially for someone like yourself who doesn’t just throw in the towel on relationships when things get a little rocky. You obviously want to try to keep things together, but when you can’t trust him, there is only so much you can do. You are putting up a boundary you think is best.

        Are you doing the right thing? These things are never easy to decide. Your situation is obviously very messy, being with such a deceptive person. You are right to want to keep your relationship together, and it sounds like your separation is happening in order to help that to happen.

        If you man abandons this relationship to pursue a life of porn, then you will know the direction you need to go. You can’t force him to choose you over porn (as sad as it is for a man to choose pixels on the screen over a flesh-and-blood woman who loves him).

    21. Marie on

      Thank you very much for your response and words of encouragement. I appreciate it. He tries to make me question myself, like their is something wrong with me? He will call me names and force me to think I’m sick or something. The inborn thing you noted…if that is true…makes me feel better. I thought it was something that was just primitive and instinctive. It’s everywhere. Even on TV in commercials, and even my children’s cartoons. Maybe I am being to paranoid, but it seems our culture definitely encourages that type of thing. It just feels wrong. Really wrong. Maybe you’re right..it is learned and and a loving man can put his primary focus on his lady. Not sure if I will get to keep my man, but I will pray to God to help him. I’ve been praying deeply over this for a while, I’ll keep doing so.

      Kindest Regards…

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        You are correct: it is everywhere and heavily encouraged by our culture. We live in dark times and in a sexually confused culture.

    22. Marie on

      I know the bible says otherwise, but as a man in the world today, do you think it is acceptable for a committed man/husband to use porn, only if “every blue moon” you know now and again? Kept under control and during times say when the wife is out of town or he just feels like it because it has been a month or so…

      My partner tells me it’s none of my business. That feels wrong and disrespectful to me on so many levels. Can I give him privacy when he is “doing the deed”? I guess so, but it is my business if my “husband” is seeking sexual gratification outside of me. He always tells me it’s none of my business when I ask him, or he’ll just flat out lie…even when his used tissues(sorry to be graphic) are at the top of the trash bin.

      Does this have to be all or nothing for the relationship to be genuine and honest? I’m really torn because I have been researching both sides. It bother me most that he lies about it, I think more than it does knowing he is actually imagining having sex with someone else. It’s not like he is actually cheating on me, but than again is he? It’s very confusing. It’s the lies that hurt the most, because as the man of the house my king, I feel like I can’t respect him or take his words as wisdom because to me he seems like a bunch of boloney.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        It is confusing. You are right that there are (at least) two issues going on here: his lust and his lying.

        On one hand, the lying is a sign that he feels some shame about the whole thing (he knows it puts a rift between himself and you). The best-case scenario would be that he stops lying and still feels remorse over failing you, but another sad alternative is that he stops lying and just flaunts his lust before you. I think you would agree that if he just brazenly blew threw you emotions and said, “Hi honey, I masturbated today in the bathroom. Just thought you’d like to know,” you would probably not feel any better about the situation.

        Is it “okay” if he masturbates from time to time, lusting after other women? No. Don’t get me wrong, lowering your own standards could make life “easier” for you in certain regards. Many women have resigned to the fact that their men will look at porn and masturbate. They let their men do what they want. Their husbands can look at porn all they want and the women don’t have to be the “nagging wife.” Life, in some sense, would be easier for you.

        However, you love your husband too much to let him do this to himself. You want to be his sexual satisfaction. You want to share a special bond with him. You want him to not lower his standards so that he demeans women and demeans sex. You also don’t want your husband to end up like so many other men who so condition their mind with porn that they get erectile dysfunction. You want your husband to be truly “manly” in the best sense of the word, and there’s nothing manly about sitting alone, playing with yourself while you watches movies of women who would never give you the time of day while your devoted wife sits in the next room.

        Don’t get me wrong: the best way forward is not to be the “nagging wife,” but to talk to him about your desires for him as a man. You also need to decide how much more you are willing to take. It is vital you begin setting up some boundaries with him.

    23. Marie on

      I think you make valid points, but this is coming from the woman’s perspective so it’s easy for me to agree with your logic, but you are still a man and have come to this conclusion on your own terms and it seems you have won your battle so I suppose their is hope for my man to win his. The thing is it seems he doesn’t want to change, he doesn’t want to gain awareness on this because he doesn’t want to be bothered with it. He overall, doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. The chances of my partner agreeing with you (at least externally), or better yet, making the wonderful changes for us and our children are at this point…only wishful thinking. I will pray, but I have learned to numb myself pretty good to getting my hopes up with him. I don’t fall apart anymore like I used to when he would let me down or when I would find something bad. I still get sad, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and I can handle the truth much better these days than I once could. I have to, one of us has to take charge of our children’s well-being and upbringing.

      He says to me…he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore…”we agreed it would only be every now and again” so to leave him alone. He gets very angry when I try to bring it up. He says most if not all guys masturbate, and most will do so when their wife goes out of town so he tells me not to worry. He said I have nothing to worry about. It doesn’t feel that way to me tho. In my gut I worry, I am concerned. He talks about our problems with the guys at work, he works in a hard labor job, and I guess it’s a bunch of “macho” guys with too much testosterone for their own good. I think that is a source of weakness for him because them guys probably spend much time oogling boobies and what not on their “smart” phone. He said a lot of the guys are cheating on their wives, and he hates that. He said this one guy told him he was a good guy and that I am lucky to have him. He says he goes to work, provides for us, come home…so SO what if he masturbates to other people…why should I care?

      He said he wouldn’t care if I did so…we’re just very different I guess. It’s nice to feel cared for. He should appreciate my care/ultimate devotion I CHOOSE to give him. I would love to feel my man cared about me. How wonderful that would be. I would be the happiest girl in the world.

      His neglect for me concerns me for many reasons, but one(and I’ve told him this over a year ago, he doesn’t seem to care(obviously)) was my heart still craves to be loved and showed attention by a man, and he’s not doing so, he keeps lying and using other women(even if only in his head/heart/groin,whatever), it’s making my longing for a man’s arms around me in a loving way stronger because I am going so long with out cuddles and affection. He accuses me of being asexual, but that just isn’t true. He only focuses on his needs, not mine. So it’s not like I’m itching to “be with him” because deep down I know he lies, I know he has mental sex with other women/girls all the time, so how can I open up to hi when I feel like just another body to him. I want intimacy and love attached. Not the repulsive things he tries to put on me that he saw in those videos. It’s so cheap. I hate it! I would never cheat on him, I would never do that to myself or my kids, but the void he leaves me with is not fair.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        The choice to stick with your standards and what your “gut” is telling vs. just leaving him alone is a difficult choice. You are correct that he isn’t likely to change his mind unless he sees a reason to do so. Porn is so acceptable today that unless it is costing somebody something precious, most men think nothing of it. A man will always compare himself to those around him and come out on top.

        I’ll be your husband would care if you started sexually chatting with men online. No, it isn’t “porn,” but it is effectually the same: both are ways to fantasize about other people from a distance, without getting physically involved with them. (The obvious differences is that there’s no chance of him hooking up with a porn star but with sexual chat you could always take it offline. This is a superficial difference, however, if you promise to only do it “every now and again” like he does with porn.) Perhaps if you decide to talk to him again you could liken his looking at porn with you chatting online with men. If he knows why you feel the way you do, perhaps he will think twice about his actions.

        The fact is, you want to be close to your husband, you want to have great sex with him, and you want him to experience satisfaction in your arms. Perhaps if you approach your husband with this attitude, it will make him think again. We have a number of articles here about how porn robs a man of his sex drive and makes sex less pleasurable:

        Why Marital Sex is Better Than Porn
        Why Porn Hurts Marriages (and why marital sex is so much hotter than porn)
        4 Ways Porn Kills Great Sex in Marriage

        The author of these articles (Sam Black) has also written a free e-book for men called The Porn Circuit. It explains (from a non-religious perspective) why so many men are leaving their porn habits and taking their sex lives back. Perhaps your husband will consider reading these articles or this book. Maybe not. If you feel it is worth a shot, try it out.

    24. Marie on

      Thanks Luke G. I
      Appreciate your time and consideration. Say a prayer for us please..if you can. I really want my family to
      Succeed, but I know I will leave him if he’s not willing to value the important things in life more than that “garbage”. Not that those people in porn
      Are trash but they definitely are not clean(in more ways than one) and should throw away their bad habits for doing what they do and than posting it for the world to see. Gosh, the power of a dollar.

      I’m not a complete prude or whatever my attitude is defined as. I can appreciate sexuality and the naked form. I just think sexuality should be done tastefully with a bit of class. You know turn it into an art form if one wishes to publicize it. Not disgusting filth that I could possibly find underneath my shoe…from accidentally stepping down a icky street.

      Reply
    25. John on

      About 20 years ago while in the middle of struggling with this sin, God gave me a dream to show me the struggle I was going through and how it looked from a spiritual view. I was in the middle of a bull fighting ring, I wasn’t a matador. As the bulls (I didn’t see them physically as bulls but as very large spirit like bulls that attacked and overwhelmed me. I was being shown how powerful the spirits and their actions are. During this time in my life I was learning who I was and what my authority is in Christ. In this dream each time I would see the “gates” holding the “bulls” back bow outward with their strength as they were trying to get out to get to me. The Holy Spirit was telling me to use my authority. In the spirit, I would put a stronger gate in place, I would add more wood, then tie it with strong ropes, then with steel gates – but each time as I watched the gate bow outward with unbelievable strength and power, I was getting the impression that with all the authority I knew I had stated by the Word, it didn’t seem to be enough. Stronger and stronger gates I put in place that looked like it would be impossible to break through, would be broken. Imagine like in a cartoon, a huge, massive, solid, very thick titanium gate bowing out with an unbelievable amount of force pushing it outward to the breaking point and then finally bursting through the gate with a huge explosion of power. The intensity of the power and the emotions were more than I could handle. I broke down crying in despair begging the Lord to make it stop as I could not take any more of the overwhelming emotions and sin that was attacking me. I then gained a sense of greater strength thinking, okay, God wants me to use htis strength to fight this battle – but then, as I looked down at the shadowy floor where I was standing, an image of the enemy was taking shape as the shadow and the floor. This “bull”, yet so much more than a bull, bigger and more powerful than the previous, burst through everything below me, overwhelmed and took my emotions over. This was so emotionally distressing as I thought all that God gave me through His Son wasn’t enough. I woke up shaking and totally stressed out. There was some fear but not enough to turn away from the Lord, as that foundation was set in stone and unmovable. I just had no answers as to why this happened. I immediately asked the Father what that was all about and His immediate answer was to show me just how powerful the enemy is…

      At this point in my walk with Christ I was not fully understanding what the authority and power I had through Him – that is the reason for the dots after the last paragraph, God wasn’t finished answering the question yet, it wasn’t time for me to hear the rest yet.

      A few years after this I went to a men’s retreat and this overpowering evil spirit was broke off of me and the uncontrollable desires were removed. A great weight was lifted as I no longer felt as though something that wasn’t me was controlling my thoughts and physical movements. I had gotten control back. I was never possessed by anything other than the Spirit of Christ but not fully realizing it, I was being controlled externally by the enemy in this area. I had let him in without even realizing it.

      As time went on I still found myself drawn into pornography and all that it caused me to do, but I was choosing to be part of it. I felt as I could choose not to g that way but it felt too good to choose against it. All the begging God, walking away from the things that allowed access to this, hiding it from my wife and lying when asked (I knew that God forgave me and since he forgets our sin, I would say it didn’t exist) – the shame and weakness continued.

      I didn’t understand why it wouldn’t go away until I reached a time in my walk with Christ fully knowing who I was in Christ then getting the full realization of the authority and power I have in Him. Not just believing the word in the Bible or what was preached from the altar – but having that ahh haa! moment when something impacts you so powerfully that you believe it without doubt and walking it out in faith is easy as it becomes part of you, more than just a knowledge or understanding – but it becomes you. When I fully realized that I had the full authority of Christ over the enemy and the things of this earth, this “powerful” spirit that wouldn’t leave me alone became something that I know longer saw as powerful, but as a toothless dog that didn’t want me to know what God has given me through the Christ that is in me. Am I still challenged? Yes. And if I let my guard down and not spend time in prayer, not commanding the devil to get away, I am still tempted and at times find myself giving in when I let my guard down. As the word tells us to guard our hearts, this is a full time job – the enemy may back away for a time but when you relax he finds away back in. Until the enemy is finally removed from this world, this battle for men’s souls will continue.

      There is no quick or magical fix for this. Doing it in your own strength will eventually cause you to fall back into failure. First and foremost you have to have Christ in you heart as He is the One that gave His life for all sin and defeated the enemy for us. Then you have to know who you are in Christ, how the Father sees you and this can only be gotten by proper teaching by those that have already arrived at that point. Jesus uses His people for this purpose and He will speak and show you what you will need on a personal level if you have that relationship with Him. As the Holy Spirit told me part of what was going on in my life, He knew that it wasn’t time to tell me more or even all of it as I had not received the full knowledge that would be required to defeat this enemy. It was demonstrated by God to me how much power the enemy had at that point in my life because of my ignorance of the promises of my Father. Don’t just believe in God the Father, His Holy Spirit and His Son, don’t practice and follow His Word like a religion, let the Christ that is in you be who “you” are. Set all that who you are, aside and let Him shine forth in everything you are, then what you do will line up with the Father and then you please Him by your faith.

      Reply
    26. Wes on

      This is the first time I’ve ever said this to anyone.

      I’ve been trying to quit for quite a while now. Longer than I’d like to admit really.
      I’ve had periods of a few months where I’ve stopped, but it picks back up again.
      I started at too early an age so it hasn’t been an easy road.

      I have yet to tell any of my friends and family of what I’ve gone through trying to quit porn.
      I wanted to keep this between just God and me.
      I always thought it would be a great embarrassment to my family if word of it came out, but now I’m thinking of letting someone know.
      I don’t know who to talk to though…

      I still have the desire for porn these days, and I’ve slipped up every now and then.
      Every time I do I feel like I’ve lost sight of the plan God made for me or that I’m completely
      wasting my purpose or potential on this world.
      I’ve always had a great vision that God would use me to change the world for his glory,
      but the more I slip, the more I feel like I’m just blowing it.

      The biggest mistake I guess was not fighting it right away. I have yet to put any filtering software on my laptop,
      so that’s a big hindrance and I still need to get off my Ipod which has access to the internet.

      I feel ashamed that I’ve continued after all this time. I feel like it’s almost as if you’re taking advantage of his grace if you continue.
      It’s kinda pathetic really how easily tempted i am.

      The worst part is the damage I’ve caused in my life and in the lives of others because of this addiction.

      First of all let me get this straight. It all started in middle school, which is one of the earliest years I’ve ever known for someone to start.
      It raged on through the seventh grade when I began masturbating to porn.

      My last year in middle school was a disaster ’cause I had nearly thrown everything away,
      my grades
      my trumpet playing
      my friends
      my church community

      out of desperation I called out to God to help me be free.
      As he always does, he answered me.
      He set me free and I lived through an entire summer free.
      He gave me a purpose and convicted my heart to love as freely as I could.

      I didn’t leave without scars though. I entered middle school as an energetic young fellow, some would’ve thought I was an extrovert. I made many friends that I deeply cared about, and I still do, but I no longer talk to them. I ended middle school as an introvert, with no one to talk to and no one to care about.
      Some of my closest friends I lost contact with for a few years, and I rarely ever talked period.

      When I started high school the only people I would ever speak to were my fellow trumpet players in marching band.
      As well as my brothers and sisters in the AGAPE christian club.
      They all overflowed my freshmen year with love and support, acting as God’s arms embracing me.
      I was baptized that spring because I felt that it was time I took a step back to God. I avoided describing anything that had to do with my struggles in middle school when I said my testimony. I still regret not telling anyone.

      I continued high school occasionally slipping back into porn, because I couldn’t
      keep my walk with God consistent. There were months where I sat by myself just thinking on what was going on.
      I wanted for a while to solve it myself by convincing myself to let go of the desires.
      I tried to argue against my lust with facts like sex trafficking, that women were not to be lusted after and treated like anything other than God’s creation, or that
      I would ruin myself if I continued. These were all true, but it takes more than logic and reason to control desire.

      Today I’ve still yet to stop lusting. I wish I wasn’t a man so that I wouldn’t have to worry about all the temptations that are everywhere these days.
      Other times I’m thankful that I went through it and that I’m coming out of this, because I may be able to help anyone else who is struggling right now.
      I’m not proud of what I’ve done, and I may never forget the shame of continuing it.
      Sometimes when I look back, I’m almost disgusted with myself.

      What’s keeping me going these days is the hope that God will use me for the purpose he has for me.
      That I will change the world for his glory, that no matter what, he’ll pick me up every time I slip a little, and lead me on.
      I only have one more year left in high school and I plan to change people’s lives in that one year.
      (yes I have struggled with porn for over 4 years now)
      I plan to fill the campus with the gospel, not only through my actions but finally with words.
      I first need to be completely confident though that I will never watch porn again. I need to know I’m completely free.

      I’m always touched by the lyrics:
      “We are free to struggle, we’re not struggling to be free”
      because truly, who the Son sets free is free indeed.

      If anyone is still completely trapped in porn, I need to emphasize even more how destructive it has been
      these past years.

      If you read the details on Eliot Rodgers, the shooter at Isla Vista and UCSB, he got into porn around the same age I started.
      That’s the most chilling thought right now.
      If we continue to lust and lust and lust after women,
      first our minds lower women to replaceable objects of pleasure
      then sometimes we exclude ourselves out of shame
      our loneliness sometimes causes us to continue porn to distract us
      the loneliness can sometimes become jealousy and hatred

      when ever I slipped, I couldn’t build up enough
      confidence to even pray to God.
      Lust is destructive to our walk and our ministries
      as many pastors have shown before

      The final barrier I guess I hope I will never cross is the day I end up lusting after a close friend of mine and
      hurting her.

      So I not only struggle for the gospel’s sake, but for the sake of my family in Christ.

      I praise God whenever I think back to how far he has lead me back, and continue to plead for forgiveness for my
      incompetence in my walk.I still need another year at least to think on this and reflect.

      Please pray for my recovery, as it still is not yet complete.

      Reply
      • Michael, the Struggler on

        Hi Wes.

        Wow.. I can’t even explain to you how similar our stories are. I am now going on 22 years old, I have a beautiful girlfriend and all the love in the world from family and friends, yet my addiction to porn and lust is so incredibly strong. I have struggled greatly with keeping relationships in my life as I always seem to grow bored of the women I date once I “use” them for what I want. I’m so utterly disgusted in myself for this as God has made woman to be a companion to man, to be an equal and to cherished as precious gems. I read your testimony, while I had a porn clip paused. I felt this pain in my heart and it felt as if spiritual warfare was happening in the spirit world. I closed the clip and felt urged to send this message.

        Thank you Luke for this amazing blog and thank you Wes for having the courage and strength to post your struggle. I can truly say, that God has brought me to this site for a reason. I feel strong, empowered, and for once… normal.. it seems many men are struggling with lust and it feels so good to know I’s not alone, we’re not alone. May we stand as Mighty Men before God and bring glory and honor to his holy name.

        God Bless my Fellow Christian Brotherhood, pray for one another, stand up for one another, but most importantly, Trust in our All-Mighty and All-Powerful God. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, Philippians 4:13

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Thanks, Michael. It is good to know our words are doing some good in the world.

      • Ellie on

        Wow this is inspiring.. I am in high school also. I have filtered my phone and have stopped watching pornography altogether but I felt as if other boys hadn’t. And that’s had an impact on how I viewed things. I no longer wanted a boyfriend. Or anything like that because I’ve viewed males all the same. Any help with this?

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Ellie. Well, I think you’ll find that there are guys out there with your same kind of experience: exposure to porn, and then working toward healthier choices. Give yourself some time to recover and feel stable in your sexual health. I think you’re going to find that as you’re not looking at porn, you’ll be more and more able to see people as people, and not as objects any more. Our sexuality is a part of who we are–a good part!–but it’s not the totality of ourselves as porn portrays. As you recover, you should be able to put that back into perspective.

        When you’re ready to date again, I think what you’ll need to do is have tough conversations with any guy you’re thinking of dating. You’ll have to make sure that your boyfriend is being responsible for his own sexual health just like you are. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about porn and dating. And more recently, I published a short ebook at Amazon called Porn and Your Boyfriend–it’s got conversation-starters and some ideas for how to evaluate how things are going.

        Have a look through those things, and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay

    27. Anonymous on

      Thanks for the advice Sir but i am willing to hear about masturbation too.Thanks

      Reply
    28. Daniel Erline on

      in 1998.. i had to fake being a woman to get it done and i stayed confused for another 9 years until in 2008 i switched back to being a male and i live as a eunuch.. i have had no lust except a few times in my dreams. Jesus is helping me resolve that.. Matthew 19:12 is where Jesus tells us we can do this for the glory of his kingdom … Jesus’ Teaching about Divorce
      …11But He said to them, “Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given. 12″For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.”…….. PS: I NEVER HAD ATTRACTIONS TO MEN EITHER … AND AFTER THE SURGERY I ONLY SOUGHT TRUE LOVE .. I FINALLY FOUND IT WITH JESUS AMEN

      Reply
    29. Clint on

      Thank you for posting this article. I have been struggling with this for quite some time. Like in the article I thought that marrying the love of my life would resolve this issue but It did not. I feel horrible that this sin still has a grip on me while being married. Please pray for me that I may have the strength to resist all temptation to lust. Thank you in advance

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Will do, Clint. So sorry to hear about how porn is harming you. I understand the struggle all too well.

    30. Zack on

      Thanks for writing this it hopefully will really have an impact on my life. I am a teenager and have been struggling with it for a couple months. I am having trouble quitting and i feel like I just can’t get out of its grip. I uselly get the urge when I am bored or alone at my house, I am getting an accountability partner but I’m very nervous telling them about it. Please pray for me and thanks so much for writing this!

      Reply
    31. JB on

      So how long will a wife suffer after she finds out her husband has been involved with porn for all thirty years of their marriage? It seems he is making the right choices now since he has gotten involved in a group. I have gone to counseling for the last year and a half, but my heart is still so broken. He seems to think he has moved on and so I should too. He has no clue (even when I tell him) how betrayed, broken, and worthless I feel. When do “I” get set free from “his” addiction. Alcohol has been my only recourse. Wrong, I know, but it numbs the pain. I do pray, a lot, but I just feel so worthless!! And, apparently they don’t have ‘groups’ for wives.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re suffering. I’m glad you’ve been in counseling, and I hope that’s helped you along the way. It sounds like your husband is making progress in his behavior, but I think you’ve addressed an extremely important issue here: emotional connection. It sounds like he’s having a hard time listening to your pain. I think that’s unfortunately a common thing. Here’s an article I wrote about that a while back, and it’s got a link to a youtube by Dr. John Gottman about building emotional trust.

        The truth is, there’s way more to marriage than not looking at porn! I do think that it takes a lot longer than men realize, and requires more of them than they realize. A book that might help your husband is Surfing for God.

        For marriage in general, I recommend Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman.

        There are actually many groups for wives, and I hope you’ll find one that works for you. Here are some places you can check: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Pure Desire, xxxChurch. I have even had spouses attend Al Anon groups and find those helpful. Another reader just recently recommended Candeo as an online resource she’s found useful.

        I hope those resources help!

    32. Randy on

      Hello, I wanted to thank Mr. Gilkerson for writing the post. I could relate to a lot of it, and some of those lies I have also believed. and maybe some of them I still struggle with……I allowed Porn to slip into my life, when I was in high school, and after I committed my life to Jesus, I literally cried out to him for help, and he told me to confess it to my dad, who is a very strong Christian. So that’s what I did. up to this day, he has been, and still is my accountably partner and mentor; …and my computer (my source for porn), we put accountably/site blocker software on it. …anyway, currently I’ve been struggling with the idea: of becoming a new person in Christ. I know deep in my heart that I am not the same man, but I’m having a hard time seeing how God has changed me. Recently, the software on my computer went down, and I gave in to my urges and looked at porn. What I don’t understand, is why these horrible desires still come up? when Jesus’ spirit is inside me? I feel so useless to God and so unworthy of being a future husband because these desires. I am torn and don’t know how to let Jesus heal me. I want nothing to do with porn or lust or masturbation, but its so closely knit to my desires for intimacy and relationship with a wife, that it still is in me. I believed at one point: that once God saved you, He would fix the broken parts of me and take away the desires, when really, after giving my life to Christ, the struggles got worse. I understand that there is a spiritual battle going on, wagering for our souls, but I’m struggling to understand why there is still a desire for porn, or wrong things in general. If your still checking on these comments, and have any thoughts on this or scriptures that I can read that speak about this, it will really help. I Just feel lost in a fog. Thanks

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hey Randy,

        I can give you the technical answer to your question about why these desires are still there, but I will acknowledge up front that having the answer is only a small part of what it really means to find freedom. While God desires your freedom from sin, he desires more that you learn to find him in the midst of your struggle. Remember: he is with you now in the midst of the struggle, teaching you to turn that “groan” for holiness into a prayer that draws you closer to him and inspires your hope (Romans 8:18-30).

        We still struggle with these desires because we still live in fallen bodies—the members of our body are still a beachhead for sin to present itself (Romans 7:23). This includes all the neural circuits of the brain, the habits of the body, etc. But the good news is that God can and does give us new desires that trump the old desires for sin. I recently preached a sermon about this, if you are interested in hearing it.

    33. Anonymous on

      Thank you so much

      Reply
    34. Jro on

      I stumbled upon this page and I’m so glad I did. I have been battling this stuff for years on and off. I always think that’s it and I’m done. Then I’ll pray and repent and ask for forgiveness. But I truley haven’t repented because repent means too change. Something I haven’t been able too do with this. I have never said a word about this too anyone but today I have realized. That first step too healing is confessing my sins too someone and talking about it. I’m so over the stuff I want too move on in my life. I will talk too one of my pastors and ask for help. I’m tired of hiding this sin and protecting it. I want too change for God, my relationship with him, myself, and future wife. I will be taking that first step too healing. I can’t stand that no one talks about this issue ya its embarrassing but its serious. I’m at that point I dont care anymore I want help. Thank you for the read I relate too Everything you said in this article. I honestly just hope God can forgive me and help me.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Thanks so much for stoping by! Glad this article was helpful to you!

    35. anonymous on

      I hav been struggling with this for years. I really love God. but I feel like I hav failed God so much. so many times I tried to stop and always end up in failure. most times I feel so miserable and alone. I hav talked to some pastors about it but they prayed and counseled me but still end up in same sin. it has been a continuous cycle of frustration.

      Reply
    36. Nameless on

      Your article is really..really helpful. I am teenager and a Christian. I’ve been stuck with this addiction for so about 8 years or so.. I just feel so tired and disgusted with myself. There was this one time I told my parents and my dad scolded me. That was when I was really young. I was just so tempted by the lust I felt while watching people making out and stuff that I turned to porn for good. I don’t wanna tell my parents again cause I’m afraid they will not only scold me but just feel so let down by me and so disappointed. I don’t want scolding I just want help. There are so many times where I try and stop but I try doing it all by myself and I know that useless cause without God I can’t overcome this addiction. But it’s just so hard. I have to use my iPad for piano and studying sometimes and so I keep my iPad with me. But then I read books about stuff. And I feel the lust and then I go watch porn. Sometimes it’s just cause I’m bored! I feel as though God is so disappointed at me. I don’t wanna keep living like this. I feel so ashamed of myself. Sometimes I even try and comfort myself by telling myself that other teens do it allll the time. But I don’t wanna become like that. I wanna be God’s child but, why can’t I stop. I try and read the word more and pray more too but it’s like come to point where I just don’t care anymore I have no more guilt. But I still have this glimmer of hope and I don’t wanna lose it, I’m just so scared.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey, I think you were so brave to tell your parents. I’m sorry your dad didn’t have the safest reaction, but you know what? Parents don’t always do great on the fly. They make mistakes. I know, because I’m a parent and I feel like I’m just making it all up as I go along. I try to do the right thing, but I don’t always hit the mark. And a lot of times, we as parents blame ourselves for not doing a good enough job when our kids mess up and then we can take that out on our kids in poor reactions. We feel like we didn’t do well enough, so we scold you. Awesome, it is not. Real life, though. This is what happens.

        So here’s what I think you need to do: be brave again.

        Go back to your dad and say, Dad, I need help. I need internet filtering, I need accountability, and I need support when I fall short. I don’t like what’s happening, I feel bad about what I’m doing, but I can’t get out of it on my own. Will you please help me?

        I know that’s going to be really hard. But we can do hard things. You can take responsibility for you.

        Breathe deep, and ask for help.

        Blessings, Kay

    37. MJ on

      Great post. Been saved 15 years from porn addiction since 3rd grade and homosexual fantasies since high school. Had very vibrant walk with God first few years, but i am struggling in the living in the valley of american christianity. i do great on the mountain (out evangelizing, on a mission trip, church when my heart is there) but i am struggling with the sober day to day of being a husband and father and provider. my family is very immersed in the “good things of this world”, FB, disney perhaps, Star Wars,etc but i have a lot of resentment and insecurity because i can’t get my family excited about serving God. so i give up and join them but i can’t stay satisfied with the “good things” for long as it pours gasoline on my lust and my wife gets mad i withdraw and that she isn’t enough. i am in a tight spot because i either am a bible bully usually or i give up and turn back into the weak fantasy driven lust driven bisexual. i have not acted on these desires for 15 years but i can’t shake them either and i think when i get rejected or feel God is mad at me then i give in to porn. my falls have me crossing the line closer and closer to actually leaving everything and going back to the lifestyle of sin without restraints. i linger fighting temptations for days and then God snaps me out of it and then i spend weeks and weeks and months rebuilding and getting ready to go to the other extreme in a spiritual sense. i can’t shake the polar extremes of either being radical for God or radical in sin and in the middle i white knuckle and am miserable and despise myself. i was going to go on porn and found this article instead.

      Reply
    38. Petro ( Mother of a victim on Porn) on

      Please my son is 32 I saw that there is a problem in his marriage! I thought it is his wife ! But no she started competing against my sons porn woman! Their little daughter is 5 ! My daughter in law is tired after ten years of sharing her life with my son and his mystery porn! She don’t want to compromise anymore! I believe God can do anything above our understanding! I only heard this two days ago! What can I do as the mother of the victim? My daughter in law begged me not to talk to my son about this! Please help! Please! I am scared he may harm our little one????

      Reply
    39. David Carnes on

      If you’re a Biblical literalist, I suppose the advice would be to pluck out your own eyes.

      Reply
    40. MV on

      Thanks Luke…been struggling with porn for years, all the way through primary,secondary and university. Whenever i watch porn I feel dirty before God and taking His saving grace for granted.God has blessed me with a wonderful life and yet i fail Him over and over again.I always delete all of it after the guilty sets in and would go for a while porn free.God has given me victory over porn.When i think of it I rush to gospel music(especially hillsong or sermons by Joel Osteen) or read the bible.Porn gave me sleepless nights and it was embarrassing and shameful.Only God can completely set one free from porn.All it does is steal our joy and peace.

      Reply
    41. VICTOR on

      HI AM VICTOR FROM KENYA,TO ME I THINK I HAVE TRIED TO STOP WATCHING PORN,FASTED,PRAYED BY THE PASTOR BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO CHANGE,ITS EVEN GETTING WORSE,I FEEL THAT GOD HAS LEFT ME FOR THE DEVIL TO DEVOUR ME,I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

      Reply
    42. Leslie Thompson on

      i wont to stop porn I don’t masterbate don’t go to adult book stores haven’t had a hard for (11) years through this i stay home i hate myself sometimes get wrong site i leave it don’t watch it. my past from home mom beat me step dad would just watch and do things to me so mom did it to.I need help in the worst way please help me.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Leslie, your comment here makes me feel so sad. Healing from an abusive past should help you deal more constructively with pain in the present as well. I would encourage you to find a counselor who specializes in trauma recovery. You can check directories at Psychology Today and at the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area. You may also find a trauma recovery group through a family advocacy center in your area, or perhaps a church that has support groups. A book I recommend highly is Bessel Van Der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score, which helps explain how trauma impacts our minds and our bodies, and what we can do to promote health. There is help and healing available, and I hope you’ll be able to reach out for that. Peace to you, Kay

    43. Leslie L Thompson on

      I will stop watching porn with God as my backup.or die trying

      Reply
    44. Garrett on

      I have been struggling with this disgusting sin ever since I was a teenager.
      There are days in which I don’t feel the need to act on my emotions, but when I feel stressed, depressed, rejected, or dissapointed, I lose the will to fight temptation.
      Today I had a moment of weakness again. I started reasoning with myself which ultimately led to chosing sin over God.
      My low self-esteem – which, I suppose, is a result of rejection and self-condemnation – has led me to believe I’m not marriage material, and won’t ever be with the ‘love of my life’.

      I often wonder how things got this bad. I even remember how I vowed to abstain myself from such horrific acts. I vowed to treat women like princesses, and do everything within my reach to be as good and righteous a person as possible.
      All I really wanted was to be in a loving relationship with the right woman. However, I guess somewhere along the way I realised my morals and values got me nowhere with the women I desired, resulting in a lot of unnecessary heartache and loss of pride.
      Jealously got a hold of me as I watched my friends find their partners. I obviously felt happy for them, but I also came to the realisation that I was one of the few without a girlfriend.
      At some point a girl in a bar approached me and asked me whether I was gay because I didn’t approach anyone. This remark really left a huge scar in my soul and has been extra fuel for having paranoid thoughts about what other people say/think about me.
      My self-esteem and insecurity were already at rock-bottom, but now I also started to lose my sanity. I cried out to God asking why this was happening to me and why this was how people percieved me, for I couldn’t be more of the opposite.
      I suspect the sin of pornography to have opened doors for the enemy to steal, rob and destroy. And I let the enemy have his way with me for quite some time, but not anymore!

      Which brings me to the reason why I’m writing this in the first place. I know the world has, more or less, accepted porn consumption and I was shocked to find out that it’s abnormal to abstain from watching porn.
      I, on the other hand, don’t belong to the world anymore and I want to overcome pornography by confronting it, and seeing it for the filth it truly is: a shamefully evil industry which exploits people in order to make money.
      The reason as to why it still holds me back is that it provides me with a false sense of intimacy and thus momentarily satisfies my desire to feel loved. Some days I can go without having the need to watch porn or masturbate, but it always seems to re-surface.
      Nonetheless, I’m dedicated to attack the root of the problem to rise up victorious and to overcome sin.

      I know God loves me despite my faults and weaknesses, and I guess He will teach me valuable life lessons through this. But I really don’t want this to go on any longer. It has already gone on for way too long and I really don’t want my problem to affect other people’s lives.
      I’d like to overcome this thing before I start dating again. Do you perhaps have some good tips for me?

      Regards,

      Garrett

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi Garrett – I, too, cycled in and out of bouts of false confidence in my own efforts. The powerful light of trusting, Gospel-centered accountability is what can break the darkness and chains of addiction. I’m living proof! Have you ever had an accountability partner? Plus, it’s not a matter of just stopping. There’s a drive there that needs to be redirected. Ephesians 4:28 emphasizes this. Here’s a blog post that I’ll share as encouragement: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/06/30/stop-looking-at-porn-you-sicko-part-1/

        God is for you!

        Peace, Chris

    45. Garrett on

      Thank you Chris, I really appreciate your fast response!

      Regards,

      Garrett

      Reply
    46. Rena on

      Im female idk if this is normal but started since I was 13 or 14, and now I’m 20. I’ve tried so many times to quit but I just keep relapsing. The longest I can go is 2 months. I also have a strange ailment ever since I started, and it hasn’t gone away… I don’t know how to stop for good, and I need healing.. Idk what I can do..

      Reply
    47. kenny on

      hello, i am 15 and started watching porn when i was 13. i prayed sometimes and i stayed away from it for a while but sooner than later i would relapse. whenever i watch it guilt sets in and i ask for forgiveness but i keep going back over and over. please i need help

      Reply
    48. Nels on

      Porn is an Evil thing. I have tried to stop for so many times and often it leads to masturbation which leads eventually to depression. I have tried all i can but to no avail. now the only thing I want to do now is leave everything to God. But one thing that has helped me 1. listening to sermons 2. Porn filters 3. Avoid being alone.4. Go out and have fun outdoors, this helps your mind to be occupied.

      Reply
    49. Mike on

      Grew up in a dysfunctional home with a father who drank and left Playboys around the house – As a curious young guy I got into those magazines after he put his old ones he finished reading in the attic. By the time the internet came along I was already hooked as a young guy and having seen my father model that behavior before me thought it was normal and dove head first into looking at porn.

      I was saved at age 23 ( am now 47) and still looked at it , not really fully understanding what the Lord expected of me as a saved individual. Overtime the Lord began to work in my life and I noticed a direct connection between my looking at porn and all kinds of tribulation which would follow after, then the struggle began and as of today I wouldn’t say I”m completely free, but It’s gotten much better than it was.

      Months will go by or a yr and I’ll wont look at it, but as of recently I’ve been out of work for over a yr. and a half and as a result of the idle time find myself struggling with it once again. I have thrown out several computers over the yrs to try and get free of it and turned off internet and cable in my house but always buy another one and download it at a wireless hotspot.

      One of the biggest thought pattern that has me justifying going back to it time and time again is the thought of my never getting married. Most of my friends are all married with kids and here I am still single at 47 wondering when my time will come.

      When I get to thinking this way and temptation comes knocking, my thoughts are ” What’s the use in being good? Nothing goes my way and my prayers for a wife go unanswered anyways ” I know that’s not right thinking, but it’s very hard in this day and age of to watch all your friends with kids and families and you’re sitting here by yourself with no one.

      It’s especially hard in this day and age of social media where friends and familiar are constantly posting their happy moments with their families or on family vacations and I’m sitting here out of work wondering when my life is going to go somewhere. I know the sum total of life is not these things alone, but I can not seem to help the feelings I feel and the longing to have a Godly wife to go to Church and serve the Lord with and Children to raise to know him as well.

      Reply
    50. Matthew on

      My Name is Matthew. I’m only 15 and I have been dealing with porn for a year. I can’t seem to quit. I know I can’t do it on my own, but I can’t seem to quit even when I ask God to help me. I feel like God has left me to suffer my consequences and won’t help me out. I feel too far gone, like there is no way out. I don’t know what to do. my parents would be so upset at me if I told them, so I am afraid to tell them and confess what I have done. My last resort was here, on the internet. Please pray for me. I need to connect with someone real, not a fake computer, but someone who will talk to me and walk with me where I am and not shame me, but pray for me and keep me accountable. If you wouldn’t mind being my accountability partner, you can email me at matthew.eells@cesuvt.org. Even if you see this comment in 2 years, still feel free to email me, I really need help, and I am very lost. Thank you.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello Matthew – I’m so sorry that you are struggling. It is a hard, hard fight, but one that can be won (even if you don’t feel like it right now!). God IS for you. Please visit this website: http://www.purelifeministries.org/#home They have a chat feature where you can talk to someone right away if that helps. Also, as much as it might sound embarrassing, I really want to encourage you to find a real, human, face-to-face accountability partner you can talk to. You can’t beat this on your own (I bet you already know that). I’m glad that you had the courage to post here and now take the next step to stomp on evil and follow-through with a conversation with someone. Everything we keep in the light has less and less power over us – live as a child of the light! Ephesians 5:8

        Matthew, one more thing. Find a note card. Write down everything you know about who you are in Christ. “I am His. I was bought for a price. I am unique. Nothing is impossible for God.” etc. Writing things down has immense power. Find the scripture to support your words. Soak yourself in God’s Truth. It is awesome medicine for a hurting soul.

        Peace, Chris
        Covenant Eyes

    51. Addison on

      Hello. I’m a teenager and a Christian. I used to stuggle a lot with porn in my early teen years. I grew up in a Christian home and went to church every Sunday but I never really accepted Jesus as my Savior. I knew there is a God and believed He was real but thats about how far my faith went. My father is a Christian but certainly doesn’t act like one. My mother is a devoted Christian and God has used her in my walk with Christ. I don’t exactly remember when I started watching porn but I do know that it took over my life real quick. Every chance I got I would watch. I l knew it was wrong but still I continued. For about three years I struggled with this addiction. Finally one day I just couldn’t handle it anymore and asked God to please forgive me and accepted Him as my Savior. Now I am not saying that in one day God saved me and freed me from everything in past. I still stuggle with many things but God took that desire of wanting to watch porn out of my heart. I haven’t watched porn in atleast two years. I’ve never told my parents but God has been convicting me about that for a while. Even though I don’t watch porn anymore I still feel like I should tell someone. I still don’t feel comfortable telling my parents but I know I need to tell someone. So I thought I would take baby steps and get the burden off of my chest here. Anyway thank you for posting this. It feels really good to know that I am not the only one who stuggled with this problem.

      Reply
    52. Jackie (I'm a guy) on

      Well I’m 17yrs old and I’m a pornfinatic from cartoons to animals. I got saved at the age of 8 2009 on my fathers birthday
      I want to stop this cycle of lieng to God and myself
      I know the wages of sin is death, but knowing that I can access this sin so quickly through the internet its hard to break from.
      Porn was introduced to me in middle school through corrupted kids I chilled with. Since highschool I do it every know and then
      But I want to stop come completely. I don’t want to lie to myself and God anymore, I don’t want God’s death mean nothing.
      I am a good Christian a dedicated one , I don’t try to seduce girls or touch them sexually. I’ve always been a lonely person
      I never dated a girl before I talk to them and help them out biblically about relationships I’m scared I’ll date and eventually marry a girl for the flesh instead of her heart for god because of porn. But at my school I am surrounded by short Short’s(butt chiks hanging ) tights and cut up shirts. The girls there wear stuff to try make a guy break his neck to look. I don’t look at them at school but at local library and home I do through porn.
      I’m disgusted by it at school but not at home or at the local library. I know scripture and I tell ppl about God, what to do and what not to do but I go on the internet and screw up my relationship with God for some 5min pleasing session

      Plz. Help me
      (I really need help talking to girls to without looking an idiot)

      Reply
    53. Anonymous on

      Hi I’m 13 and I’m afraid to tell my parents about my struggle because my mom tends to get really mad and stay that way for a really long time. Anyway, I wonder if I can just walk with God through this whole thing, I mean, I know he forgives me, right?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        God absolutely does forgive you, and love you, no matter what. I wonder if you can approach your parents from the position of asking for help? “Dad, Mom, I’ve seen some things online that I know are unhealthy, and I would like help in keeping the internet safer for me. Could we install Covenant Eyes?” I’m a mom, and I know I haven’t always reacted well when I feel like my kids are threatened by something that can cause them long-term harm! But, I wonder if it’s worth taking the chance that she’d be mad, if it means you can get the support you need? Take care of you! Kay

    54. Samuel on

      Just got done scrolling through all the comments, I would suggest everyone else do the same. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS STRUGGLE!

      I am 16, turning 17, and I have been struggling with pornography and masturbation for around 3 years. I just started the road to recovery, confession, repentance, and forgiveness. I made a mistake keeping my hurt bottled up inside me for 3 years, I should have gone straight to my parents the day I watched my first porn video. But I didn’t. The devil fills your head with lies and deceit, and most of all, fear. What kept me from confessing for 3 years? Fear. I was afraid to tell my parents, specifically, my mother of my struggles. She is a very Christian woman, and I am a very Christian man, and to have this addiction is DEBILITATING to the conscience. But THANKS BE TO GOD that the Holy Spirit is working in me through my baptism, communion, and the reading of the Word to work repentance and confession in me, giving me the ABILITY to come to my parents and confess my struggles.

      I get it, you’re a wife, and you found out your husband has been naughty. How EXCRUCIATING it must be for a wife who is in a marriage, may have kids, to find out that her man and husband has been watching pornography. I can only imagine it must bring grief of the truest kind, and make yourself feel HEAVILY unworthy in the process.

      It’s a sad sad state we live in, things are broken and fractured worse than ever. But God is EVER present and enduring, DO NOT GIVE UP. This goes for wives who their husbands have injured and hurt, and husbands who feel really bad about the whole thing!

      You might be wondering where to start, like I was for three years. I totally understand that feeling, it’s a mess! You are so sunk into lustful addiction, and you feel you alone in the world (even though you totally aren’t,) and worst of all, you’re afraid you might even go to hell for your sins! But THANKS BE TO GOD you feel that, because it means first off, you AREN’T going to hell! What that fear and trepidation means is that the Holy Spirit is working in you telling you what you are doing is wrong, and is telling you to confess and repent!

      Confess. That is the first step in fixing any addiction. I had bottled it up for three years thinking I could just quit. Every time I masturbated and watched porn, I felt mighty guilty, but ultimately shrugged the guilt off by assuring myself I could and would quit the next day. AINT’ GONNA HAPPEN. The broken world and our human flesh is oftentimes overpowering for our weak minds, and we need others to step in and help. Because let’s face it everyone who’s reading this comment and knows someone or is addicted to pornography, it’s not going to fix itself. You need to tell someone, and that essentially gets the process started.

      Scrolling through these comments I see a lot of young kids and teenagers struggling. Surprised adults? You shouldn’t be, children, especially those who have just hit or passed puberty, have huge sex drives and will be suckered right into the porn pitfall. Thankfully for children, they have it easy! While they still live in their parents’ house, the teen/child is under their control! The biggest hurdle is LETTING your parent know what you struggle with. Once that’s out of the way, they will get the process started to heal you! They may cut the internet out, take you to therapy, have you go to your pastor (best idea) but the point is they will HELP YOU!! Thank the Lord you have good parents to go to!

      Parents who are reading this… Don’t even let the addiction get started! If you have children (doesn’t matter what age) FILTER YOUR INTERNET. You’re probably thinking, (oh my kid’s not into porn, he’s too young) WRONG WRONG WRONG. As a doctor once told my mom, “All it takes is a little bit and the kid is hooked.” DON’T PUT YOURSELF OR YOUR CHILD IN THAT POSITION. Monitor internet access at all times, filter internet, do what you must to keep your child away from that GARBAGE. Look at me! I wasn’t kept away and I screwed up!

      Grown men, you have the hardest struggle of all, especially if you are married. It may seem like you have no one to go to, and no hope left in your life. A pornography addiction in a marriage is VERY HARD, mostly for the wife, but it HAS TO BE ADDRESSED. I would not recommend going to your wife first when confronting the issue, as she will be too fragile for the shock, and too tender afterwards. GO TO YOUR PASTOR. Confess, let him forgive you in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and REPENT. Let him know what’s going on, he will know what to do. You will have to let your wife know at some point, it is unavoidable, but God willing will keep her strong through this hard period.

      If you’re a wife and you found out your husband has been watching porn, DO NOT SUCK IT UP. Worst idea! If he tells you it’s not your business, that is the WORST LIE EVER! You are his wife, his sexual partner, you are ONE WITH HIM, it is ABSOLUTELY your business if he’s watching porn. The first step would be to approach your pastor, and let him know. It is your pastor’s responsibility to tend to his “flock” (congregation) and to appropriately deal with any sin that you bring to his table. Talk to your pastor, tell him your husband is being unfaithful, and approach your husband with your pastor’s assistance. Let him know that it’s a sin, that it’s hurting you and your marriage, and possibly children, and let him know it needs to stop, NOW! Get him to go to therapy, counselling, and most of all, confess to his pastor!

      It will be hard, but be strong in the Lord. Put on the armor of faith, trust in the Lord and his righteousness however bad things may seem. Look through these comments, they are filled with brokenness and despair, mine included. Porn is a sad sad story, and a sad sad state we live in. But we can’t just accept our fate and watch it anyway, you have to FIGHT IT! All Christians are fighting a REAL SPIRITUAL WAR and it DOESN’T get better by doing nothing. So like I said, take the first steps and confess, your pastor should be your first bet, or your parents if you’re a child.

      I’m tired of typing now, but I want to leave this on the table. REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Again, read through the comments and the statistics on porn, and you’ll find that men women and children are all struggling with this horrible sin, and remember more than just “you’re not alone,” SEEK HELP OUT FROM THOSE PEOPLE! ME! I’m a great guy, love to chat anytime with anyone who’s struggling with porn.

      I’m LCMS (Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) and would highly recommend reading this blog post

      http://www.lutheranlayman.com/2015/10/confessions-of-confessional-lutheran.html

      Finally, remember the real deal here, and that is the fact that God understands this sin, and sent his SON JESUS CHRIST to DIE on the Cross for it. YOU ARE FORGIVEN, your whole addiction story is COVERED BY HIS BLOOD. Do not take that the wrong way however, you are forgiven, but a forgiven person FIGHTS and WANTS to do better. Yes you are forgiven, and yes, you have to quit porn.

      Good luck, email me at [omitted for privacy reasons – if you would like to make contact with the commenter, please leave a response to this comment, and he will see it – thank you, Covenant Eyes] for someone who’s struggled with the same issue.

      Reply
    55. Luke on

      Iam so happy that I was directed to this article.. Even though the letter is too old .I find it very helpful .I really thank God ☺.for the fist time I have felt that I can overcome this habit ,soooooooooo plzzzz pray from me

      Reply
    56. Will on

      I struggle with indifference. I struggle with wanting to do good but wanting that one last “high,” if you will, before quitting. I want to quit. I don’t think I want it enough. I ask for encouragement and advice. I am a Christian teenager with prospects ahead of me. A “good” kid that nothing bad ever happens to. Please reply.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, Will – being open is good. Nice job. Now, I’m going to ask your permission to be direct. It sounds like you can handle it.

        It sounds like you want to do the right thing. So, here’s the issue – the choice is yours. No one can stop you from looking at porn. NO ONE! If you’re a Christian teenager, then it’s time to start believing that you’re a child of God and start acting like it. I’m being very direct – I think we tend to take a too gentle approach with guys and watching porn. NO! We were made for more. It’s time to be men. It’s time to love and respect the women around us AND on our screens. Even if they don’t respect themselve, WE have to decide to choose respect for them. This is on us. No more excuses. More than conquerors! Read Romans 8, all of it, to see what you were created to be. A warrior. Fearless. Of God. Untouchable. Unshakable. Settle for nothing less! Is your phone the issue? Then get rid of it. Do you struggle at night? Then no internet after 9pm. Do you masturbate? Then go (with parent permission!!!) get a tattoo of scripture put on your wrist. I guarantee you’ll quit :) How badly do you want this? You have to want it. You have to want freedom INSIDE and do things that prove you want it on the OUTSIDE.

        I have faith in you. God is rooting for you! And, I am, too.
        Peace, Chris

    57. Daniel on

      Hi, I read through a few of the posts and the article and was affected. I felt it hit the nail right on the head for me although I don’t get some of the marriage stuff but what he described the desires and lies like are very real in my life. I am a christian 14 year old and things have been spiraling down for me for a long time and I have struggled with this stuff since the 3rd grade when I was exposed to it. I feel like it and it’s side effects are ingrained in my personality. I know what the root of the problem is but the problem was cause by my problem and the prospect that everybody at my school hates me which can’t be true. I need help and am meeting with my youth pastor next week about it and am encouraged about that. My main two questions are that this girl wants to have a relationship with me but I am so double minded about girls like one minute they are people and the next and object to covet and I am just don’t want to hurt her. My second question is that I think one of my closer friends said something about porn in a way that I used to when I wasn’t as confident about what I was doing in the fact of it is wrong and I need help. I don’t know how to confront him or even if I should. The email is personal btw.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Daniel,

        It sounds like you’ve got a really good head on your shoulders, and taking the step to meet with your youth pastor is incredibly brave. Learning to not be controlled by shame and fear, but rather to face our emotions honestly and to seek help and connection, rather than stay in isolation–those are all great emotional skills that can only help you going forward.

        I would say that it’s a really good idea to work on your own emotional life at this point, because yes, it’s all too easy to make someone else into an object. Keep taking responsibility for yourself, and keep recognizing your tendency to objectify. Keep remembering that you and every other person you’ll ever meet are precious image-bearers of God’s love in the world. When you find yourself not so easily objectifying others, that might be when you’re more ready for a relationship that can honor the other person equally with yourself. Just the fact that you have this awareness makes me so hopeful for you!

        As for your friend, you don’t have to confront in any aggressive sense, but you can certainly share your own experience with him. Maybe you’ll find a companion for the journey that way.

        The truth is, almost everybody is exposed to porn at some level these days. We can’t undo that. But what we can do is recognize how it impacts us, and instead of being pushed further and further into unwanted behaviors by shame and silence, open ourselves up to connection with others, and continue to take responsibility for our own choices within the healing community of relationship.

        You’re on a good path. Keep walking. Don’t give up.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    58. antony on

      Hi.
      My name is Antony. I’m Christian and I really love God. I don’t watch pprnography everyday. There are periods in my life in which I spend time watching it . I’m not gay,but I watch naked men photos or videos at times, (not to get excited or to masturbate) ,but to know how they behave with each other, how they treat their bodies, how to be a real man. I never did any kind of sport, I never had experiences like that. My school mates often spoke about standing naked in locker rooms, and they stayed naked with no shame. During my adolescence I avoided to do Physic Education or to stay in the locker room. I was ashamed, people insulted my body, and they even called me gay.. . I always stayed at home, going to church, praising and worshipping God. But I never knew how to deal with my body. I’ve always thought my body wasn’t enough, I never felt virile. Please help me. I want to have a holy relationship with my body.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Anthony,

        Well, I’d say that the only way to “be a real man” is YOUR way. YOU are created in the image of God, exactly as you are, to demonstrate the beauty of God on earth. YOU! Whoever YOU are, that’s exactly who you are supposed to be. If you try to make yourself into something else, none of us will get to see God-in-you like we’re supposed to. We will all miss out on YOU and what YOU are meant to show us.

        So I would urge you to stop trying to be someone other than YOU.

        You are enough, exactly as you are. The holiest relationship you can have with your body is one of gratitude and thanksgiving. Let God’s delight in you be your measure: you are the child he created and loves and rejoices over.

        The lies that people have told you serve shame, not Love. When you hear those lies echoing in your head, turn back to Love instead: YOU bear God’s divine image in this world. YOU were created from the foundation of the world to be exactly who you are, right here and right now.

        Live in that truth, find people who know that truth and will reflect it back to you, perhaps a therapist, a recovery group. Have good boundaries with anyone who would speak lies into your life: don’t listen to lies. Find the truth and stay with it. Let it set you free.

        Peace to you,
        Kay

    59. Matt Peine on

      This article is really nothing more than psychology crept into the Church. I have been 100% free of porn for over a year now and it was all Jesus. I put my faith in Him, and what He did for me at the Cross, and the Holy Spirit set me free. The Spirit came to glorify the Son. When your faith is exclusively in Jesus, and what He did for you, the Holy Spirit will give you the victory because that glorifies the Son. The Spirit only responds to faith in the Son. From beginning to end, being a Christian and walking in the victory of what Christ purchased for us, is ALL about JESUS. Where in this article am I told to give it all to Jesus? Where am I told that he set me free from sin through His death, burial, and resurrection, as we’re told in Romans 6:1-11? Where am I told that deliverance from sin is a free gift given through faith in the blood of Jesus? Stop reading these false gospels and come back to the real gospel of faith in Jesus Christ and Him crucified! Return to your first love. It was faith in Christ that brought you the Holy Spirit. Faith in Christ is your first love. Faith in Christ alone is the Gospel. It’s faith in Christ alone that will set you free. Who the Son sets free is freed indeed. Where does this article tell you about the freedom that comes from knowing the truth about Jesus and his all-sufficient victory at the Cross?

      According to this article, I can get free of porn by changing the way I think about sex, intimacy, and marriage. What does that have to do with the Gospel? That’s just psychology. Jesus can and will set you free! Just put your faith in Him. When you put your faith in psychology, or software programs, or anything that you do, the Holy Spirit cannot help you because that does not glorify Christ. It has nothing to do with Christ.

      If anyone can see that what I’m saying is the truth, I highly recommend you go to Amazon and buy a book written by my pastor, Michael Chorey. It’s called Crosseyed and it’s only $4 on Kindle. I didn’t write this to sell a book. I will get nothing from it. I wrote it because I found the true answer to freedom from pornography and it’s Jesus.

      Reply
    60. Moses on

      I am called Moses of 23 years of age I am so addicted to the watching of porn but I don’t watch them all the time but in a month time I can watch twice

      Reply
    61. Andrew on

      Hi
      My name is Andrew and i”m 25,i really love your post.i have been watching porn for years and i really really want to stop it,please i need some bible passages that i can go through whenever i have the feeling to watch porn.please i need your help

      Reply
    62. Raquel on

      Hi,
      My husband has had a problem with porn since I met him. We’ve known each other for 20 years and have been married for 16 years, our 16th Anniversary is in two days.
      The first 3 years of marriage was a not so good. I caught him multiple times watching it. He would also stare at other women right in front of me. We had a 2 year old daughter at that time. I started to confront him and when I did he would blame me for not trusting him. I found numbers in his wallet. The war didn’t stop until, he decided to move out with the girl he had been talking to at work.
      That went on for about three weeks. He said he would give me a chance. He wrote the other girl a letter saying he was going on a trip with his brother. She ended up coming to my house confronting him in front of both of us. She called him asshole and told him to lose her number.
      Long story short he was with his mother for a few weeks and begged to come back.
      I took him back, but the trust was never fully there again. I’m older now, so I’m tired of the games and stories.
      We are both Christian’s and go to church. I thought things were going okay, he said he stopped looking at porn. I just caught him today with a old phone that he said was broken filled with porn sites he visited. Most likely this is all getting done in his truck. I caught him already. Plus he still stares at women right in front of me, even our daughter notices.
      I understand that guys do this but a what point does the wife matter. I’m not horrible looking, but I’m not a model. Like what he’s looking at, he looks at model porn sites.
      We have 2 kids now 16 and 6yrs old. I’m so tired of not feeling good about myself. I feel like with my trust issues and his porn and flirting problem that I have wasted 16 years with a person I’ve just learned to deal with. I want to feel special and I don’t with him. I feel like I should just move on.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Raquel,
        I’m so sorry your husband hasn’t been able to take responsibility for himself. Here, here, and here are some articles we’ve published on boundaries–what you can do as a wife to be responsible for yourself, no matter what your husband chooses. Whatever he chooses, you can be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay

    63. Raquel on

      Thank you so much for your kind words Kay.
      I am trying to be a good wife, I’m not perfect by any means. I pray to God and ask him to help me move on if this is not where I’m suppose to be. I know God would want us to try harder to make it work. It has to come from both sides though. I think for me right now I feel very saddened, and broken hearted. I know I need to keep praying and ask for his guidance daily.

      Reply
    64. Nicolas on

      Hi my name is Nicolas and I am 13 years old. I have been trying to fight pornography for a long time since one of my class mates showed me. My family are Christians and are faithful to him. A couple days ago I acepted jesus christ as my lord and Savior. The obky problem was that I wasb still addicted to pornography. So i just want that desease to go away forever and to never comeback. Can you please send me some bible sciptures and some step by step advice to stop watching porn. I know that i can’t do this alone. Jesus will help me through this cause. Also can you please pray for me.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Nicolas,

        I’m so sorry you were accidentally exposed to porn. This is such a common and heart breaking reality. I want you to understand that very often, porn exposure is TRAUMATIC for young children. The portrayals of sexuality in porn are not normal, they are often violent. You were exposed to something harmful, and like a lot of young kids these days, there weren’t any adults around to help keep you safe from that exposure. I am so sorry.

        Your sexuality is a normal, healthy part of yourself, and I’m sorry that you haven’t been able to experience that without trauma.

        When it comes to your sexualilty, like any other physical drive, we can become obsessed. especially if we have difficult or traumatic experiences around it. Take food for example. When we become obsessed with food, we might develop an eating disorder, either a bingeing disorder where we eat and eat and can’t stop, or a restricting disorder, where we starve and starve. Or you can develop and binge-and-purge disorder, where you both binge on food and then purge. Often, a great deal of anxiety and shame accompanies this cycle.

        Just like many people are obsessed with food, MANY CHRISTIANS ARE OBSESSED WITH SEX. Instead of being able to see sex as a gift, and enjoy it in healty ways, purity culture is obsessed with restricting sex in unhealthy ways. The development of internet porn has allowed many Christians to develop a binge-and-purge relationship with their sexuality: binge on porn, then purge with a great deal of anxiety and shame.

        If you want to break this cycle, I would suggest beginning with accepting yourself as a healthy young person with a healthy sexual appetite. This begins to detach anxiety and shame from the cycle. As you do that work, you can more easily choose what is healthy for you in terms of exercising your sexuality. When you make less healthy choices, accept yourself and move on. Over time, you’ll likely find that you won’t be as obsessed, you won’t be as anxious, and you’ll be more in control of your choices. Here’s a short animation that might help.

        I would also suggest that you talk to your family about what happened to you, and ask for their help going forward. You can’t do this alone, and you shouldn’t have to! Jesus helps us through the Body of Christ that surrounds us. Please reach out for the help that’s right in your own home.

      • Nicolas on

        Thank you so much for the help. God bless you.

    65. Oluwatobiloba on

      Hello my name is Tobi i was accidentally exposed to porn through a very close neigbours phone when i was 13 and now am 17. Normally i dont watch it often but as i am older now i find myself watching it and i have been trying to fight it but it just drives me crazy i have tried everthing but maybe you can help me please i feel like am emberrasaing myself and God .Man this is really hard to get rid of

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello, Tobi – I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. This article gives practical steps for living porn-free that I hope will help you: 6 Essentials

        Chris

    66. Anonymous on

      Hey so I’m a 15 year old male. All my life my parents have honored God and taught me to honor Him in everything I do. About 2 years ago when I was going through a hard time in my life a friend accidentally exposed me to porn. My unsaved-self latched on to it held on. I didn’t really know anything about sex at this time and I was as you could say “innocent”. I’m not saying that my friend is the cause of this because it was a complete accident and he is a good Christain. After that one time, whenever I felt really sad or low I would google that crap – careful to take measures so that my family wouldn’t know about it. As you can see I clearly knew it was wrong-still know its wrong, no matter how much the world tells me otherwise. It took me a while but I finally realized that I had an addiction. I read article after article, got a parental program on my computer and phone and tried to forget about what I had done. A few months later when I was certain that it was a part of my life that I could forget-something happened and I ended up feeling completely useless. I went on my computer to play a game or something and ended up cheating my parental program and looking at porn. I was devastated. I have to get ahold of myself! I’m 15 now and have a girlfriend. What am I supposed to say to her? This isn’t fair to her or my family. A family who still doesn’t know about the terrible sin I’ve committed.
      So I’m at a point in my life where I’m unsure about what to do. I know that Jesus died on the cross for my sins but my sins seem too big for Jesus to bear. I know thats unfair to Him. I’m considering to let my girlfriend go, even though she means everything to me, because this is so unfair to her. I feel ashamed and unfit to serve God. I normally don’t do this kind of thing but I am overjoyed to see that so many other people struggle with this (no offense). I don’t seem to be alone anymore. Please offer any advice you can. I need help. But I’m too ashamed to tell anyone. Please.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello, friend – you are certainly not alone. I’ve also felt that intense shame (“I’m horrible”) and guilt (“I know porn is horrible”) and also found myself completely powerless (which I wrote about here).

        First, take a deep breath. This might sound strange, but this is going to be ok. You’re going to be fine. The enemy has likely led your thoughts down all kinds of dark and twisted paths. LIES. Not a bit of it is true. I can tell that you know Jesus Christ. And guess what? He knows you. He knew you’d write this post and he STILL took the nails. He’s not overpowered by your sin. He’s encouraged by your faith. Be strong. Take heart! There’s this awesome song by Steffany Gretzinger called “Out of Hiding” and the lyrics are just spectacular. “There’s no need to cover up what I already see.” “Cuz I loved you before you knew what was love, and I saw it all and I chose the cross. You were the one I was thinking of when I rose from the grave.” That’s you!

        Just decide that you’re done. You’re moving forward. I can tell that you’re sick and tired of it (porn). Great! Let’s move forward. Today, ask God to give you daily bread for strength, and make a clear and effective decision about sin. You’re not going to look at porn today! That’s as far as I want you to focus. The enemy loves 5-year plans and “I’ll never look at porn again!” commitments.

        Now, you said that your parent love God. Would they really turn on you if you came to them with a repentant heart, asking for their forgiveness, and willing to do anything (i.e., no computer, no phone, etc) to live a pure life? It doesn’t sound like it, but I have to leave that up to you. I’m a father of 4, and I would want any of my children to come to me in this situation. I’d hug them, weep with them, and love them through whatever recovery was needed.

        I hope these words are a good start for you. Press on! Oh, and you also mentioned your girlfriend. I don’t know her or anything about your relationship with her, but her readiness for a conversation about this struggle is really tough for me to have an opinion about. I have to leave that one up to you. She might not need to know. That’s not because you’re being deceitful. It might be more motivated by she’s not ready or equipped to deal with a recovery situation right now. That’s your call. If the relationship moved into something more serious where you were considering engagement, etc., then, yes, this is a very important struggle that she should know about so that she can be your ally.

        You close by saying “I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.” But, you had the courage to post this, which is a great start. I’m encouraging you to talk to your parents, that’s a second step. Maybe find another trusting adult you can talk to. The loving support of other, real people is so important in this battle.

        God is for you! I am, too. I wish you the best. Please let me know if there’s anything else Covenant Eyes can do to help.

        Warmly, Chris

    67. Trey H. on

      Hi, I’ve avoided porn for a while now and I’ve found one of the more helpful things to be texting my accountability partner whenever I fear I’m about to tip over. Although I recognize not everyone has an accountability partner and even those who do may have trouble talking to them about things like this. Just being honest with them can help both you and your friendship with them. The second option I go to, besides prayer, would be just flat out thinking about the last time you’ve looked and how you felt afterwards. That guilt you have is there for a reason; to remind you that you’re directly disobeying for temporary relief. Personally, I came to this website after I did a quick Google search about Christians and porn and reading through all of this and some of the comments helped me refocus again. I wish good luck upon those struggling and advise you talk to someone and think about what you’re doing and how you know it’s not right under our Lord’s laws.

      Reply
      • Chris McKenna on

        Hi, Trey – yes, that simple, daily text (or multiple texts in a day) has been a great boost for one friend of mine. And, during certain seasons when I needed extra support, it was a personal help. So simple! Keep up the good fight!

        Chris

    68. Jimmy Solorio on

      Can someone please help me to stop watching porn because, because im a Christian, I’m afraid that I might go to hell for this. I’m in college my first year in college. Okay about high school freshman year some 3 dumb kids told me that do I watch porn, I was like “uh no” then he said look it up now on your 3ds” I was like screw you stupid sophomores. So when I got home what I did is looked it up on my tablet and search that crap up, so I was having a good time, I see those kids at school and never talked to them. When I was in 10th grade they asked me if I watch porn, the same kids. I feel like I’m being bullied or something. I just ignore and give them the finger. 4 years later I plan to stop watching it, because I’m a Christian now I should follow the Lord rules. I’m in college now so I need to stop watching that stuff. Please dear jesus please forgive me what 4 years ago. Please forgive me I’ll be a good person for now. If you forgive me thank you. amen.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Jimmy, you are not going to hell for watching porn. And there is no “if” about forgiveness. God loves you and always forgives you, even if you’re never “a good person.” None of us are perfect, and God loves us unconditionally, which means WITHOUT CONDITION. If you want to stop looking at porn, that’s great. Find a group, talk to trusted friends, filter your internet. Be healthy and responsible for yourself. But honey, you’re not going to hell and believing that is just going to add more distress and shame to the cycle you’re in. Try instead to remember how much God loves you, just as you are, and find yourself some human beings who can demonstrate that to you in real life. Peace, Kay

    69. Soldier4Christ on

      I’ve been born again for 4 years now. I’ve had months at a time with victory, solely by the Spirit. I’ve also had times of defeat, yet I will still praise the Lord and thank Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins, confessing them boldly before His throne and obtaining grace in our time of need. Saved by grace through faith. Just recently I had 4 months of victory then a slip up and now I had 2 months of victory up until yesterday. One thing is for sure, being confident in this that He who began a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. Sanctification can be a hard process. It’s frustrating having a fall after having months of victory. God is always good and still worthy of our praise. He loves us with an everlasting love that knows no bounds or limits to His unending, matchless love for us humans. Keep looking up ☝

      Reply
    70. Luke on

      Hi, my name is Luke.

      The beginning of my Porn addiction started when I was 11 and now I’m 16. I’ve quit in and off, but I seem to find myself again and again in this never ending void of pleasurable torture. My patients is low, I get angry, I’m disobedient and I get thoughts of violence since starting Porn. I was and still am a practicing catholic and my parents are very devout and I’ve been taught according. And for that, I’m utterly ashamed of myself and what I’ve become.
      I’ve found through this time that prayer is a key destined for success, without it we might as well give up. There’s a saying that I heard that I hope will encourage people to pray. Here it is, “ Jesus is a gentleman, he won’t come in until you invite him in.” And I thought that was a very powerful saying. So concluding on that, all I ask is that whoever reads this will pray for me and I for you.

      God bless you all,
      Luke.

      Reply

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