Last month, Resurrection: Discovering the Beauty of Marriage in the Cross, by George and Ashley Weis, was released. George used to struggle greatly with pornography. After his wife Ashley found out, this was devastating to her and their marriage. This new workbook is their guide written for couples who are going through the same trial.
I asked Ashley a few questions about the book and why she wrote it.
1. Your new book, Resurrection, was something you and your husband George wrote together after his struggle with pornography. How did finding out about his struggle impact you?
How didn’t it is a better question. It shattered my entire world. I never realized how much I loved him, how much his opinion meant to me, how much of an idol he was in my life…until that day four years ago. When I found out, I was on our dining room floor in a puddle of tears. Our marriage blurred behind my tears and I never thought I’d see clearly again.
George’s struggle with porn and lust got so much easier for him after that day. My struggle with insecurities, trust, and forgiveness blew all over the place, from a gentle breeze on Monday to a hurricane on Tuesday. It was a roller coaster. And I often thought it would ruin me before the ride would end. But here we are! I can honestly say that our marriage is even better than it was before. We’ve gotten through a storm that made our marriage so much stronger!
2. How is the book organized? Is it primarily for husbands and wives to read through together?
Yes, sir. It’s organized into three sections. “Looking Inward” is the first: it dives into the past and present a little. The next section, “Looking Upward,” uses the Beatitudes of Jesus to look up, out of the mess, and try to learn how to model Jesus’ words and actions in our marriages. The last section is a few applications, articles, and questions and answers that help us look outward and apply these things to our marriages.
3. What is the book about? Is it written to help a man break free from addiction, or is it more about healing your marriage?
It’s not about the “addiction”; it’s an aid in healing a marriage affected by sexual sin and insecurity. Really, in essence, it’s a tool to rid pride from our marriages and humbly follow Jesus when it’s uncomfortable.
4. Why did you settle on the title, Resurrection?
Because of the beauty of the cross. Jesus endured so much pain and suffering before He was resurrected. When a sexual sin is discovered in a relationship it’s pretty much suffering central. There is a ton of pain to work through. But there can be a resurrection if we continue on the upward hill and die to ourselves. So, that’s why we chose the title. To signify the beauty after pain, the beauty of the resurrection.
5. I noticed you are donating 50% of the proceeds from the sale of the book to Covenant Eyes. (Thank you, by the way.) Is Covenant Eyes particularly helpful for married couples who are struggling with issues related to porn?
Yes. I have supported many ministries since I discovered George’s porn addiction. It’s tough to explain why I love Covenant Eyes without knocking the others…but let me just say that while there are tons of helpful resources out there, I don’t think all of them are truly helpful. Covenant Eyes is pure. It’s helpful. And they really care about the people they are helping. I think it goes beyond Internet filters and great blog posts…Covenant Eyes loves people. And that love is something I speak about so much on More than Desire. Because love is central to life, and central to our healing from sexual addictions and insecurities. Covenant Eyes loves the people they help. And I think that makes all the difference.
Here is a thought – instead of seeing porn as an evil thing that “affects” men, how about looking at it through the prism of reality.
Both men *and* women enjoy porn, and can enjoy it together.
Instead of living a life of denial and guilt, why not embrace it together?
If I were a praying person, I would pray for you – you really are a sad individual.
@Leaping – Interesting perspective. Can men and women enjoy it together? Sure. Should they? That’s a whole other question. Why is it a state of “denial” to think that a sex drive should bond us to another person rather than a fantasy experience made up of pixels and clever editing?
I think that they can.
It isn’t that all people should, though if that is the disposition of a couple, why should it be seen as sinful?
I am an atheist, however, were I to imagine for a moment that I was a Christian, I think that I may find it difficult to reconcile the concept of a sex drive/lust/normal human desires as being a “sin”.
Having studied pornography and the role that it plays in society for a number of years in order to complete my doctorate, I have seen many disturbing representations of carnal desire – the Germanic kind in particular if you get my drift.
I have also interviewed many couples who have embraced their carnal nature through pornography that both partners find enjoyable and who have used it as a “treat” in their normal sex lives.
I think that the question that needs to be asked is not “did pornography threaten to destroy George and Ashley’s marriage”, rather, what was the underlying problem present in their relationship that:
a) caused George to feel that he had to engage secretly engage in the viewing of pornography
b) what were the deficiencies in their relationship that caused her to feel threatened when she discovered that George felt it necessary to engage in the viewing of pornography in order to satisfy his normal human desires
Pointing the finger of Lucifer at the outlet, the release if you will, instead of examining the root cause of the “problem” is disingenuous I feel.
Forcing George to suppress his desire to view pornography will only cause further schisms in their marriage in my opinion.
@Leeping – You and I seem to agree that men and women can enjoy pornography together. Obviously, there are couples who do this all the time.
But your question gets to the heart of why something should or should not be considered sinful. In a Christian worldview, the term “sinful” applies to the things which God finds offensive. For instance you said, “I may find it difficult to reconcile the concept of a sex drive/lust/normal human desires as being a ‘sin.’” I would to if that hard to swallow too. But God doesn’t lump “sex drive” and “lust” into the same category because they are vastly different experiences.
You and I are in complete agreement about not pointing the finger at Lucifer. You and I also agree about the importance of getting to the root of the problems, but I doubt you or I can read a blog post from Ashley and conclude that they haven’t tried doing just that. Believing certain actions to be sinful do not have to be a hindrance to getting to the root problems in marriages. Having interviewed many Christian psychologists, I know Christian couples do this all the time.
When couples “enjoy” pornography together, what they’re actually doing is watching 2 or more people engaging in behaviors that one or both may not be comfortable doing, therefor, making them insecure and making sex stressful. Pornography is addictive, and in order to keep getting that good feeling from watching it, it needs to get more and more perverse over time. Have you read some of the stories from girls who did pornography…sometimes even only once? Nobody cares about them. They agree to have sex on camera, and then are forced to be choked, urinated on, have multiple objects shoved into them.
No thanks. This is something my wife and I could never, EVER enjoy watching together.
i just found out 9 days ago by accident that my husband has been addicted to porn the whole time we have been together, 18 years, and even longer. We knew our teen son was addicted and had been trying to figure out how to help him for 2 years without success. Needless to say my world came crashing down. We now have Covenant Eyes on both computers and my husband has a wonderful Christian man for an accountability partner. We have begun what we know is going to be a long hard road to recovery and I know that God has a purpose for this season of our marriage. I still am struggling, but know I have to move on. I will be looking for a copy of your book as soon as I can find it and afford it. Thank you so much for your willingness to share and help the rest of us. Thank you also to Covenant Eyes for a wonderful resource. I keep reminding myself of 3 things: God never promised it would be easy, only that He would be there with us the whole way. He never gives us more than we can handle. For everything there is a time… I pray that we can continue to heal and move forward.
@Susan – Thanks for stopping by, Susan, and telling some of your story. I hope the blog resources are informative. And please stop by and grab one of our e-books. I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I pray you have a support system nearby, perhaps a church that can help you navigate through some of the tough questions you might have.
Hey Susan, contact me and I’ll send you a free copy of the workbook. :)
I just found out my husband is addicted to porn as well. Its killing me. It was a train crash I can’t seem to get back to feeling like I can trust him. He said that he is willing to do counceling but we work such crazy lives its not working. I asked if he would be ok with getting a couples work book and I looking every where trying to find one that will help us. I am a mess.. I feel like my whole life is void now… like I have been living a lie and whats worse is we have children. I have to pretend day in and day out that I am ok.. but every night I fall apart.. I asked my doctor if she thinks I need to be on medication and she said that I am depressed to a point she might have me hospitalized. I do not want to be hospitalized.. I just keep praying.. Is this the best book I can get and how can I buy it? I need help before I get worse.. I feel so helpless.. so lost.. useless and worthless.. but I know I am not. Please someone tell me what the best workbook for married couples is. And please pray for us. Thank you
Hey Mina — I know how you feel. I’ve definitely been there. It’s the hardest and darkest time of my life I can remember. The best workbook for couples is the Bible. Truly. But outside of that, you just need to pick one and try it if you think it might help. Resurrection … I’m not sure if I would consider it the “best,” but it’s based on the beatitudes of Jesus… a way to keep us focused on Him, the source of our healing. I may have an extra copy around here I can send you for free… you can email me at email@example.com … or the book is also available on Amazon.
My biggest encouragement to you is …. focus on God. Not your husband, not your husbands sin, not yourself, not your pain, not your own sin …. focus on Him and everything through Him. This is where true healing lies.
Here is the link to the workbook on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Resurrection-Discovering-Beauty-Marriage-Workbook/dp/0615423647/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_3
And another book I wrote that is about the insecurities that come through this process: http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Mirror-Ashley-Weis/dp/0615458238/ref=pd_sim_b1