Hope After Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

29 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Wives of Porn Addicts

  1. Thank you Jay. For your boldness to confront your sins and share hope with us. For saying words I always wanted to hear but never did. For giving validity top all the wives who dream of hearing these words that they are possible and THIS is what repentance looks like. Thank you.

    • Amy,
      I know in some ways this may feel like “too little, too late”. But I wanted to offer some words of healing. There is not enough being done to help our spouses heal and I am grateful that Covenant Eyes gave me the opportunity to send this out.

    • Thank you soooo ok very much for this. I can’t even explain to you how much these words meant as I read them.

  2. Wow!!!! This article hit spot on! After my addiction was first brought to the light, it took me years before I was ready to really repent. I did the justifying, excusing, blaming, and lying game. I made my wife feel like she was crazy, and she took a beating from others who she reached out for help who judged her and blamed her for being part of the problem. Thankfully, I was practically dragged into professional counseling which opened up my eyes to my denial and which helped to release my shame so I could move forward. Also, thankfully, the counseling program we went to (with Affair recovery) knew not to blame the spouse and guided us to build empathy, safety, and intimacy back into the relationship. Our marriage is flourishing after 3 years of hard work, so know that there is hope!

    • I am really glad you and your spouse found healing. It is possible, but can be very hard depending on the approach.

      As you said, there are well meaning people who do more damage to the spouse and the situation. My wife, Lori, does work to help the spouse as well. Her site is a good place to start: pornpainhealed.com.

      Thanks for your comment and willingness to share.

  3. Wow, thank you so very much. You have no idea what a breath of fresh air that is in the crazy making messages from the addict AND the recovery counselors and books. I might just print it and read it daily to help keep my sanity. Thanks!

    • I’m going through this he has been caught once again third time and promise this time conversing with these women of what he wants to do with and to them we’ve been married 26 years and every time he calls me stupid for being upset because all guys do it … I’m completely confused and heart broken thinking about letting him suffer a bit by leaving……

  4. I really appreciate the time and effort you took to write this article. It is filled with an incredible amount of truth for the betrayed. Unfortunately I went through so much of what you described. Two things that were very difficult for me to deal with was the lying that distorts your reality and causes you to doubt your own reality and who you are. And the other are the flaming arrows of friends and family while your hit with one of the most painful betrayals in life. You can see how easy it would be for some women to pretend it’s not happening and not seek help when they are faced with taking so many hits for trying to face this cancer head on. I was thankful for the encouragement I received when I finally reached out for help from people who truly got it and understand. It was affirming to just have the courage to make the call be acknowledged. So much to work through and many people to forgive. I’ve learned so much and am thankful for all the ways God has worked in my life, marriage and family. He is more powerful and bigger than porn!!!

  5. Thank you so much for completely understanding how I feel. I didn’t get that from my husband. I got the blame. Am still getting the blame and don’t know what to do but your letter has given me hope. And that is something else I never had before now so thank you

    • Wow, I am touched by the impact this had on you. I hope you will get to read my response. You are not to blame for his actions, no matter how convincing he sounds. Please reach out to me or my wife, Lori, and we will equip you for what you are going through.

  6. Thank for your confirmation, Jay. Yes, Pain that Hurts and Changes us

    Does one need to go daily to a prostitution, just because it’s next to his house? — Porn pop-up Pest?? Why infected & addicted, instead of Immunity? — How far is it from off-line to live (cam/ real)? from addiction to STD? — just 1 click far? or just 1 thought far (~1/1000sec)? — Healthy mind, healthy body — What ever reason/ justifying, black & black (cheating & lying/rage scenes) won’t make white:

    – It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe/ situation, that lures him to evil ways – Buddha
    – When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive (and move on) – N. Mandela
    – Be the change you wish to see in the world – M.Gandhi

  7. THANK YOU for giving me a tiny bit of hope in the darkness. It’s been over a year since I found out (this time) and there is so much more that I don’t know that he hid and lied about through the years and he still won’t call a counselor or read the 10 books I bought about this. There is always an excuse, yet he ALWAYS found time for them, or should I say him. Even not coming home to help with children when I was only sleeping 3 hours a day acting as a single mother while he “traveled/worked” or when I was pre laboring with our baby and supposed to be bed resting. The health of me or his children didn’t compare to them. They were always more important! We can’t even turn on the tv, walk in a grocery store or go to the park and watch our children play their sport without being triggered. Yet they act as if nothing is wrong and there is no problem any more. While most of us can’t go to a meeting or read a help book without it swaying to his side giving glorious details as to why he couldn’t control his lust for them. Esencially telling us why they are so much better than us. Why this is really jist our fault. The world seems to look at us like we arr the problem, he’s just a man. There is no escape for us. I know, it’s been almost 20 years since he became an adult and gained access to the adult world. I was there the entire time, just not worth it. However we are the real adults, the real women that raise the families (the ones having to teach our little boys how to be real men since our husbands can’t lead by example or teach them) the women that hide and clean up your messes without so much as a glimmer of respect. Just resentment and blame. Thank you for acknowledging us. No matter how much we give (everything and then some) our men always want more. Men are no longer the men we saw in the generations before us. They are objectifying cowards, pathetic leaders, instant gratification seeking selfish little boys. They say it’s because they can’t deal with what life has thrown their way and they need to escape. Well if we can deal with life, work, family etc. and all their mess without ever getting an escape from it then it should be easy for them. We chose to stay and deal. It is a CHOICE to make, they just always choose them. I fear for all our daughters that already deal with the little boys watching porn in our public classrooms. Being compared to fake digitally enhanced objects instead of being seen for their own Godly beauty. Begging parents for vaginoplasties and breast augmentation because they think something is wrong with them. All because porn is teaching the next generations of men that “that” is beautiful. No wonder the super bug STD’s and ED have come into play, maybe it’s God’s way of survival of the fittest. Maybe he is weeding out the sinners, since they can’t seem to help themselves. They can’t choose to be a part of a real life because reality isn’t good enough to them. I thought my generation had it rough from the “curiosity of the internet” as I was told. Now with the instant gratification only a second away or a new downloaded App I’m afraid all hope is lost. I pray for a better future but over the last 20 years I’ve just seen it getting worse. Thank you for listening as this is the first time I’ve spoken up (sorry it was so long) and been heard. Thank you for reminding us that they broke their vow. For admitting that we are the ones damaged and left behind. Thank you for acknowledging us as the ones being mistreated and disrespected since the world doesn’t. We need to change that for the next generations sake.

  8. I can remember the first time I discovered his issue. I worked full time and was trying to finish my nursing degree during night classes, in 1991. During those years the men would circulate VHS tapes I sat down exhausted from work , college and raising an infant and toddler…the red light on the VCR was on then I pulled out the tape and discovered His issue. Decades went by the hurts continued the pain became unbearable and eventually bitterness turned to hate then abuse. We divorced at 24 years yet I never forgave myself I carried all the pain and blame. There were months of no affection and a horrible night of abuse led me to my own issues…. and I left. I hit rock bottom my pain was so severe I wanted to take responsibility for it all. God was calling me and I opened my Bible It took months for God to heal me I forgave my husband and begged him to allow our family a second chance with God. We remarried on our 25th anniversary. Unfortunately his Issues still crept in. Now I just discovered he’s had problems for 5 years with ED of which I again thought it was my fault we hardly ever was intimate. Yet the few times we were he’s been borrowing viagra from friends. After God entered into my life I realized these truly are His issues not mine. I’m free of self inflicting pain caused by others. I forgive him but I no longer have to forgive me… it was his issues from the time he was a teenager and the consequences are ours to overcome.

    • I am so sorry to hear this for you. And why are you still blaming yourself? Please get out of what is an mentally abusive relationship. He borrows viagra?. That’s because porn addiction leads to ED. Get out !your now blaming yourself again, I’m so sad for you. Forgiveness is a must for you, but keeping him around is NOT.

  9. Thank you, very insightful. It helps to know that it’s normal for there to be blame and mention of an unsatisfied sex life. It is going to be extremely hard moving forward after a comment that has hurt and embarrassed me deeply.

    • I am so sorry for the painful comment you received. I have made some myself, eventually my wife worked through them.

      You don’t have to go through this alone. Lori, taught me what she needed and helps other women to find the same path. Please reach out to her. lori@pornpainhealed.com. Watch her interview on the Covenant Eyes Facebook page. She was interview back on March 1, 2017.

  10. My son is a porn addict. Where can I get help/info to deal with it as a mother. He is going to a support group but I need help to deal with my emotions and how his addiction and behaviour is affecting me. It is painful in a different way.

  11. I have been so broken.Like hard to breath.
    My husband is a pastor.
    He has deeply hurt me.
    The Lord directed me to his cell phone around 4 am.
    He had a deleted his history. Then I asked myself why??
    I woke him.Four days of pulling it out if him.
    I am wounded. I am emotionally raw.
    He chose these videos and images for weeks at a time.And got caught.
    He a month later said he knows after all these years he was never born again.All out friends and family are shocked by his porn.Its as if mother Teresa would do this…too much to digest.
    I’ve fallen into God’s arms for his mercy and grace. I’m worn and vulnerable. I believe I’m disgusting and can’t even look at myself, for feeling shame and guilt. Even if he did this.
    The eyes I called beautiful, that I once trusted.Now knowledge if them on countess porn.Is an image of his eyes fixated on beautiful perfect bodies. I will never compare.Suddenly I feel embarrassed of even my good traits. And ashamed of ever feeling beautiful. Because I was NEVER enough…

    • I am so, so sorry, Jeanette. There are so very many men in ministry with these same habits, and so many women suffering these same feelings. I say that not to minimize what you’re experiencing, but to confirm with you that you are NOT alone. And also to thank you for being courageous enough to write these words, because so many women in your situation feel trapped into silence by the ministry and the church. Thank you for speaking the truth.

      I want you to find a counselor, just for you. Someone who can help you process these emotions and create healthy boundaries. You might look for a group in your area for further support. And there are wonderful online resources at Bloom for Women that should be helpful as you recover and heal.

      I hope that as the shock wears off, you will realize that you are the precious, valuable, beloved image-bearer that you’ve always been. Your husband may not have been able to see that all the time, but God does. He sees you, he knows you, he loves you, and that love will never let you go. You are enough, just as you are. That has always been true and always will be true. Breathe through this pain, and find the truth again: you are loved, you are safe, you are chosen. Nothing separates you from Love. Nothing. Not even this pain. Love is here for you, every minute.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  12. My husband was doing so much better. As far as I know, he hadn’t “slipped” in months and I had hoped beyond hope that it was over. He’s just gotten a new job and is away from us until our 4th child is born and we can all move to a different state together. Just found out he’s been lying to me and his accountability partner about his continued addiction. I’m going through this grieving process all over again. After nine years of marriage, part of me just wants to call it quits. I’m so broken-hearted….again.

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