Coming Clean

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

It’s easy for accountability relationships to fail. Learn how to get it right. Take your Accountability partnership to the next level. Read Coming Clean and introduce it to your Accountability Partner.

13 thoughts on “How to be the Best Accountability Partner Ever

  1. This was very helpful reading and excellent points! Id like to add a comment regaring usimg your spouse or significant other as an accountability partner.
    My experience is, dont do it. I’m a husband and had my wife as the accountability partner who received the Covenant Eyes report. There was always friction and heartache every week. This did not help my recovery at all. I felt extremely limited on what i could share even if i had a good week.
    Just my 2 cents.

    • I think it is unfair to automatically rule out and discourage the idea of a wife being the accountability partner of her husband. The husband-wife relationship was built on the concept of loving and helping each other. There is a potential for ultimate friendship, trust, and intimacy within marriage that can’t be found within any other human relationship. By discouraging husbands and wives from becoming a team in the battle for purity, the potential for ultimate intimacy is compromised. A man may feel more ashamed telling his wife everything about his struggles, but is that a bad thing? Why should a man coming clean about his thought life be easy and comfortable? I believe a man is humbled when he is able overcome his shame and guilt to be able to confide in the person who God intended to be his help mate. I think there is something incredibly loving about a man reaching out to his wife in this way. He is allowing himself to be vulnerable and that is a precious gift for a wife to receive. A wife may very likely find that knowing her husbands thoughts so intimately challenges her ability to love and forgive her husband with her whole heart. A woman’s heart is crushed by these revelations and her sense of security within her marriage is rocked to the core. But does that mean that the wife isn’t up to the challenge of overcoming these incredible hurts to be able to love her husband fully for the imperfect human being he is and forgive him with the grace that can only come from accepting God’s grace? Absolutely not. When a woman places her trust in God and allows her heart to be transformed by the forgiveness and the ultimate gift of love that we received at the cross even though we didn’t and don’t deserve it she is capable of being there for her husband the way that God intended her to be. I’m not saying that any of this is easy. It’s not and quite frankly it shouldn’t be. But with adversity comes great strength and diamonds are made under great amounts pressure. I think husbands and wives need to look to God to learn how to become the team that God intended them to be. It’s time we stop shortchanging the marriage relationship in the battle for purity.
      **Please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think seeking help outside of a marriage is a bad thing. There are times when it is absolutely necessary to the healing process. And obviously those who are single can’t look to a spouse for help in this. But I feel that encouraging a man (or woman) to not be completely open with their spouse compromises the God-intended intimacy within a marriage.

  2. I want to add that I believe that it is a husband’s responsibility to help his wife to heal as well. They need to work as a team to help each other.

    • I agreed with the first article right up until the point where the author says that a husband shouldn’t be honest with his wife about his thought life. The rest article stresses that the wife has the right to decide what she wants to know about her husband’s recovery. If the wife decides that she needs this level of transparency to be able to trust her husband, then she has a right to that. Perhaps the mortifying prospect of having to be honest at that level with the person he is hurting the most will help him to weed out those thoughts entirely. Telling another man about those thoughts might be difficult, but telling his wife will be excruciating. Sometimes facing the pain head on can be the most powerful force when it comes to healing.

      My point, bottom line, is that the wife has a right to her husband’s thought life if that is what she needs for total trust to be restored.

    • And the same with the second article. If the wife wants total transparency from her husband, then that is what she is entitled to. A Godly marriage is built on transparency. Loving someone in their most naked and vulnerable form. Nothing should be hidden. Not thoughts, not what is discussed in a group. Just my opinion, but I am forming my opinion on my understanding of what God intended for the relationship between a husband and a wife: united as one flesh, naked, vulnerable and unashamed to be that way with each other. This is what we should be encouraging. This is what we should be helping married couples to work towards even if it takes a lot of work, pain and time.

  3. Can I, as a father,use my 17 year old female daughter to be my monitoring partner ? Her mother has been kicked out of the house who use to be it .

    • Hi Richard, regardless of the legal question, I believe it is an inappropriate burden to place on your daughter. What about a pastor? Anyone at work? Make it someone else….for her sake and for yours. She just should not be the one responsible for holding you accountable.

  4. I am my husbands accountability partner. At first, I wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but it seems to be going well so far. I am his biggest fan and supporter and probably the only one willing to do it. Our pastor just simply has to much on his plate. Once I learned that I had to approach my husband and his addiction with compassion, it changed everything. I’m no longer judging him or feeling resentment. I think about the little boy who found the magazine and there was no one there to protect him or explain why he felt the way he did. It’s not his fault that he was never allowed to express his emotions as a child. It was a learned behavior for him and now we are working to “unlearn” it. We tried the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) and tapped through the feelings of shame and guilt and “it’s not my fault” and “I forgive myself” and it was like a weight lifted off his shoulders. Don’t get me wrong, he did NOT want to do the EFT willingly. I kind of gave him no choice. I said, well counseling isn’t working, reading books isn’t working, so really what choice to you have?? He knew he didn’t have one. So between having Covenant Eyes on his phone and the EFT he is making strides in his addiction… for now… One day at a time.

    And for Richard H. Please don’t use your 17 year old daughter as your accountability partner. Everything in my being screams NO about that. It’s really asking too much of her. She just needs to be free to be your daughter.

    Take care…

    • Diane, thank you so much for speaking up! I think more women need to speak up and express their willingness to help their husbands through this and the strength they are getting from God to do it. It is not an easy task by a long shot. It is a hard thing for both the husband and the wife. But I don’t like to focus on just what’s going on in this life. I like to focus on what it will be like to stand before God (with my husband and best friend by my side) and to hear my Heavenly Father tell us that He is proud of us for fighting the battles of this world together.

      I’m not suggesting that a woman shouldn’t take time to focus on her own healing as well. She absolutely needs time and a lot of love. The husband is responsible for helping her with this healing just as much as the wife is responsible for helping her husband with his. Some people may argue that we aren’t responsible for anyone but ourselves, but when you enter into a marriage your spouse is a part of you. You are one flesh. You are bound by a holy covenant to take care of each other. Dealing with the fallout of sexual betrayal of any kind is a brutal process, but “love never fails. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

      I also stand firm that a husband should not share with others anything that he doesn’t share with his wife. In regards to thought life I personally don’t believe that it is beneficial for a man to sit in a group of other men and discuss in detail the weak moments of their thought lives. I don’t believe men should dwell on such things. It is enough to say that they had moments of weakness. So my point is there shouldn’t be any sharing that can’t also be shared with the wife. Period. One flesh means one flesh. Spouses are supposed to be a dynamic duo (actually a trio because they should be working with God as well). Once you start confiding in others more than you confide in your spouse it will begin to chip away at a foundation that is supposed to be solid and impenetrable. So can a husband talk to other men about his struggles? Absolutely! But should he be secretly confiding more details and feelings to those men than he is to his very own other half? Absolutely not! “Therefore what God has joined together, let no on separate.” (Mark 10:9)

      God Bless you, Diane! I will be praying for you and your husband and healing for you both!

  5. My question is; I’ve a brother from church,we want to help each other not to fall into temptation with girlfriends. Utilizing the porn addiction steps are going to be beneficial,but what info would me more directed to celibacy?

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