About the author, Amy Riordan

Amy Riordan is a Christian writer and speaker with a desire to see women’s hearts healed and set free. Her passion is to inspire others to embrace who they were created and redeemed to be. Amy lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and two children. She candidly shares her story on her blog, Longing for Intimacy, encouraging women to pursue an intimate relationship with Jesus, the only One who can satisfy their deep longings for intimacy and connection

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Your Brain on Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Watching just 5 hours of porn has been proven to significantly change people's sexual beliefs and attitudes. Find out 5 distinct ways that porn warps your brain, as well as 5 biblical ways to renew your mind and find freedom.

17 thoughts on “7 Lies I Believed When I Still Watched Porn

  1. I espeically appreciate you commenting on questioning sexuality because of experience with porn. I have wondered often why that has been the case for me in my struggle against temptation. What you are writing is incredibly important! Keep going!

  2. Thank you so much for writing this. I am trying to understand some of the things that I’ve felt inside ever since I was a kid. This article is helping me. It’s so easy to feel like some sort of freak because different things turn you on or excite. If I didn’t believe that God existed or that He cared about humans, I wouldn’t care about the feelings I struggle with. But because I know He is real and good and has a purpose for humans and for sex, I am convinced that I do not have to be a slave to my feelings whatever they may be.

    It encourages me to see the work He has done in other people’s lives.

  3. “TRUTH: My heart didn’t start to heal until I told someone.”

    I can testify this is absolutely true.

    Over many years as I tried to keep my porn addiction secret and tried to “white knuckle” my way through it over and over (always failing , always vowing “never again” … only to fall again … and again … and again … ) I experienced constant defeat. When I finally confessed my porn addiction to an Orthodox monk and received the sacrament of Reconciliation I was finally set free from it . I recognize I am still a porn addict , it will probably always be something I must be careful about , I must avoid it like an alcoholic avoids taking that first “little drink” , but through the healing power of Jesus Christ I can be free of it . This freedom and confidence did not come until I confessed it.

  4. Thank you for sharing this. I am a man, and I struggled with homosexual porn throughout my porn addiction. In the beginning, I found this porn to be attractive because I wanted the sexual experience that came from porn, but it was “dirty” for me to see a naked woman. This led me to seek out gay porn, and eventually begin to think that I was gay myself. I know that I am not. I always wanted to date a girl, marry a woman and have children with her. Thanks for the continued reminder that I am not alone. Others have walked the same or a very similar road to mine. Be blessed!!

  5. My same feeling
    Just the same guilty feeling,,, the same need to talk once in my life
    The same need for the GOD
    Further more I am from an eastern Muslim community,single and have good life
    Actually very good life only if I can control this subject to feel that GOD still with me
    To rebuild with
    I need to talk for so long time that made me wondering now isn’t it too late?

    • I’m Christian, so I can speak for the God I know, but I don’t think He believes in “too late.” Turn to God today! And, engage the power of loving accountability with someone you trust. It’s the best way to break free. Peace! Chris (Covenant Eyes)

  6. I was still crawling when I was exposed to my first image of a sex scene in a movie. I saw a beautiful naked female body.My father was watching it. At the time he was a very unwise and selfish man. He probably assumed it was fine to watch it in front of me since I was just a child (probably my siblings had the same experience, I’m not sure, it’s not like a subject you want to brng up at a family get together). That image is still fresh to me 26 years later. From the age of 7 i started experimenting with “things” i liked how it made me feel. I then reached a point when I involved another person in to fulfil these sexual desires and I was only 10. I didn’t lose my virginity but I did lose my innocence at a very young age. I now became my dad. I was selfish and didn’t care at the time about the repercussions it would have on this person I just wanted my need filled. Life went on, now a young teen. I was craving sex though I’ve never done it before at 15 i lost my virginity to a guy 10 years older and very experienced. That moment changed my life forever. Flashback: My mum was a respected godly woman. My bestfriend. She raised me knowing Jesus. And I remember before all of this I prayed every night for protection over the ones i loved making sure I named every single person in my life and would even pray for the homeless and the sick. I often sang to Jesus and imagined His angels in the room with me whenever I was scared. I was inlove with the King. My mum was my protector and teacher of wisdom. She taught us about no sex before marriage and saving ourselves for that special someone. BUT things changed in our lives when my mum’s little brother went to prison. Our church fell apart family separated themselves from eachother and everyone gave up on God and their faith. 2 years my mum tried to find a church for us but to no avail in the end she gave up as well. My mum had nomore convictions I guess. She wasn’t the same. Both her and my dad became addicts to gambling. I never saw them as much anymore. I’d leave for school in the morning and return to an empty house. Evening will come and my parents will walk in angry and blaming eachother because they wasted away all our shopping and bills money. Now my parents are beggars as well. I lost friends because of who my parents were. I suffered shame at the expense of their decision. Old friends didnt want to know me or my siblings. We were labelled “scabs” and I admit I was a scab I was hungry alot because we didn’t have food at home but worse of all I didn’t have my mum and dad. I missed them so much. This addiction of theirs began in my primary school years. Because they were hardly around right into my late teen years I got away with a whole lot of things. I drank heavy, smoked and had sex with whoever whenever wherever. I remember I hooked up with this one guy and he put a lesbian porn film on (This was the first time i saw lesbianism porn) and i just couldnt get enough. All my teen years and early adult years that was the only sought of porn I craved. By the age of 20 i had slept with at least 30 guys. Just in 5 years. Just before my 21st I met a guy I wanted to get serious with we were both into old school music we were both dancers and he was a hip hop artist. We were perfect together. For the next year I actually thought I was over my porn addiction because he was the one fulfilling my sexual cravings. I had a child to him and I felt like a good mother. We still weren’t married though. But I was dead wrong. Every bad decision he made like leaving me and our son to go party out in his neighbourhood made me feel unwanted and unloved these choices stirred in me those old feelings I use to feel when I was alone. Whenever I felt lonely or stressed I would turn to lesbain porn for satisfaction. My thoughts were “if he can do whatever he wants, so can i” so I didn’t really have a conscience at the time because I was so sure he was sleeping around. (First time I actually justified my actions). 4 years and 2 more children later we’re married and have pledged our lives to Christ. Though I have recommitted myself to the Saviour I still struggle with porn BUT I have a great desire to beat it and destroy it forever and I have a CONSCIENCE centred on Christ. I pray and seek his help but I need sisters to help me. I’m planted in a Church but I’m not really close with any of them because of our cultural differences I wish I could speak to them but they have walls up so it’s difficult. May you please pray with me as I ask God to show me the person in whom I can reveal my struggles too please. I want help. I found something I desire more than porn and that is being all i can be for my Christ and Saviour.

    • Hi Veronica. Thank you so much for sharing so deeply with us. My heart just breaks for the pain you suffered as a child; I would call your early exposure to pornography child abuse. I think the outcome in your life bears out that reality: the early sexualization is just one symptom of abuse. Then so much more of your story contains trauma as well. I would encourage you to find a therapist experienced in helping victims of childhood trauma who can help you heal at a deep level. The things you’ve been through are so painful and have had such difficult repercussions in your life; I think a therapist would really be your best option for that safe person who can help you through. Peace to you, Kay

  7. Thank you for sharing this. I have been struggling with the after affects of using porn…lust.
    “My grace is sufficient”.
    Just knowing, if you believe, than you can overcome. That is powerful.

  8. This has been very helpful to me, thank you! I feel like God has brought me to this place; to help me understand my addiction and how it has taken me over.

    I am stuck in this rut of knowing I have to stop and feeling horribly guilty for not being able to… Like you described, it feels like I’m somehow defying God; isolating myself from Him every time I indulge, and what makes it worse is the fact that I *know* it’s wrong and destructive and against God’s will even as I’m using it. It’s a vicious cycle, and before I came across your article and others on this site, I felt like — well, I believed a lot of these things you laid out right here. I thought it was some deep, inherent failure that I couldn’t overcome this on my own by sheer will.

    Thank you for helping me realize that I do need someone to help me. My only problem now is how to find someone to help me — to tell this to.

    I mean, I have shared this with people before. But so many of the people I know (pretty much 99% of them) — my friends and my siblings — do not believe in this like I do. My brother, who also has an addiction but refuses to admit it’s unhealthy or destructive, believes — according to “most of our society” — that it is neither sinful nor wrong, but normal. He insists I accept it, or he just refuses to talk about. My friends, likewise non-Christian, don’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing. So… accountability isn’t really possible there.

    My church is very small; there are no other young woman my age (college-age) that attend, and the Pastor has set up a support group for this porn-addicted purpose — but exclusively for young men. (Not that it’s possible to set one up for young women, seeing as I’m the ONLY one… And not that I’m particularly interested in sharing any of this with young men. Am I possibly wrong about that?) The closest woman there to my age is over 15 years older… And perhaps age doesn’t truly matter — am I wrong about this? — but I also don’t know them very well. It might be… awkward.

    I am in college, but I live at home… And the only person that I can see helping me in this area is my mother. And I am, and I think understandably so, VERY resistant to choosing her. It isn’t that she’s not Christian, or that she’s judgmental or we’re estranged… Heck, she’s actually the least-judgmental person I know and I trust her very much; we have an excellent relationship.

    But that’s half of the reason I CAN’T tell her… because I’m afraid of how her opinion of me will go down. How she might see me… more as a failure. And I’ve always had issues of her and my father’s opinion of me. It feels very intimate to share and I’m not so certain that it would be right, regardless. A lot of my addiction I feel is wrapped up in a depression I fell into in my young teen years (which is… not so long ago, but still!), some severe bullying and body-image issues, and a lot of misconceptions about sex and sexuality that my parents never discussed. (Which is probably more information that you needed, buuut regardless…)

    If you have the time, I was wondering if I might ask your’s (or anyone else here, please) advice on this… Um, this is a very personal question to be asking of someone who doesn’t know me, but in anyone’s opinion — is it a good idea to tell my mother and have *her* keep me accountable? If she is the only strong, positive Christian woman I see in person currently in my life?

    For some reason… and perhaps I’m wrong… I feel like it would be messy. Yes; humiliating in some aspects, even though it shouldn’t be. But also because we *never* discuss sex in my home. I have had one or two conversations about sex with my mother very very recently, but still… I would be lying if I said that is the last thing I want to do on this Earth. (Okay, exaggerating, but you know what I mean.)

    I know many people have been in this position, of not having many options for help… But if I find I can’t tell my mother, or for some reason it doesn’t seem right… Do you think it’s possible to wait? To find someone else, who perhaps has a little less control over me — a little less importance in my life — to help me be accountable? (If I try and find someone else, however, I would be waiting at least six months to a year — the time during which I’m planning of transferring to a Christian University.) So, to rephrase this… Is it worth it to wait? To wait a year or even possibly longer?

    Or has an online accountability partner truly worked for a lot of people? Does anyone know, by any chance, where I could find one?

    Thank you,

    In Christ,

    Lily

    • Hey Lily, if you’re a college student you should have access to campus counseling services. I know this is a bit different from the type of accountability you’re thinking of, but a counselor would be a good, safe place to open up and talk about this and help you work toward your goals. There are online groups at xxxChurch that you might look at as well. Peace, Kay

  9. Thank you. I’ve struggled with porn for years. I’m 18 now and still struggling. I believe I can be free but sometimes I lose hope of ever being free. It all started at the age of 8 or 9. I just couldn’t tell anyone. I want covenant eyes app but I couldn’t afford to pay.

    • Hi, Grace – we have a robust benevolence program for anyone who can’t afford our service. Please call customer service at 877-479-1119 for more details and we’ll be happy to help. I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling, which at times can seem hopeless. BUT, please hold onto that belief that freedom is possible. Choose it minute by minute. It will be exhausting. But, worth it. Even if you can’t find someone to talk to in person, at least get connected to a forum, like nofap.com, where you can find like-minded individuals who are also struggling. You are not alone!

      Chris

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