When Your Child is Looking at Porn

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14 thoughts on “Teaching teens about sexual purity isn’t good enough. Here’s why.

  1. I’m 17 and this article really got me to thinking about sexual purity.Thank you for the articles that you post online because it’s much appreciated.

  2. This article cornerstones the very existence of my blogsite http://www.biblicallypure.com. Why we pursue joy, cultivate 10,000 reasons for my heart to praise and fighting all sin with a superior pleasures. Thank you for sharing that reading and encouraging families to go deeper in their walk with God. Praying for you Luke!!

  3. I love how people who are into the bible use generic bible passages to cover specific topics. The reality is if you abstain from sex before marriage you are risking being with a person you are sexually incompatible with. This I promise you will destroy a marriage. Also, fools then rush into marriage just to have sex. This article deal with a fantasy world. A world where everyone finds their soul mate. You get married. The sex is great. Life is happily ever after. Life does not work that way I assure you. I also love how in the bible it is always telling the poor to live with less. It is okay. You will be rewarded in heaven. Just suffer here on earth. The bible is the greatest tool used to keep the masses in check. The rich love the bible. It keeps the poor from rising up. Governments actually should love the bible. It keeps everyone in check. Because as I said, suffer here on earth and you will be rewarded in heaven. But what happens if there is no heaven? Just a whole lot of suffering. That is what happens. I swear sometimes I think the bible is the greatest brainwashing tool there ever was constructed. You ever go to a church service? Where someone says “God is good” then everyone replies “all the time”. It is like conditioning. Parroting. People say things without even really thinking of what they say. It is what Pavlov experimented with.

    • You cover a number of things in your comment. I’ll try to reply to them one by one.

      1. Let me know if you think I’ve applied something from the Bible incorrectly. I’d love to make corrections if you find an error. You didn’t site a specific example.

      2. Do you risk being in a sexually incompatible relationship if you don’t have premarital sex? Perhaps. I guess it depends what you mean by “incompatible.” Obviously, since we’re coming at this from a Christian point of view, this isn’t a reason to disobey God in the matter of sex, but it is something for couples to work through in their marriage (and we know many couples who have successfully done so).

      3. Do Christians who have been abstinent rush into marriage to have sex? Yes. This calls for wisdom on everyone’s part, and that is another topic for another article. Thanks for the idea.

      4. I take serious issue with the notion that this article promotes a “happily ever after” married fantasy. If anything, it promotes contentment in life despite one’s circumstances. I’d love to hear more what comments in this article have led you to read it that way.

      5. The Bible does indeed challenge Christians to give sacrificially of their time and treasures, but I fail to see why this is a bad thing. As for saying that Christians will be rewarded in heaven, I also fail to see why this is a bad thing. Actually, the ultimate vision of eternal life is not something other-worldly—just going to heaven when you die—but is tied to the rejuvenation of this world. The ultimate Christian hope is eternal life here on Earth, an Earth that God will renew, an Earth where sin and death are taken away forever. The ultimate hope is a new embodied existence with embodied pleasures, not something merely spiritual. This is the reason why Christians can engage in sacrificial acts of mercy and justice: because they know their work will not be in vain, that they are working to build something that is enduring.

      6. So your theory is that the Bible keeps the poor in check because it gives them a pie-in-the-sky hope that allows them to be content with their poverty, correct? Certainly the Bible has been (improperly) used that way in the past, but the Bible has also (properly) inspired some of the greatest movements toward abolition and sacrifice in the world.

    • Luke, I read your response to the comment above. I can’t speak to for the person above, but I can answer some of your points.

      1. Often Christians use general passages to cover every issue they are going after. Generic passages are so generic that they cover everything. I have noticed that too.

      2. Of course, you risk being incompatible. Let’s not use the Bill Clinton …. please define the word excuse …. to get around the issue. Being incompatible is exactly that.

      3. Many Christians rush into marriage to have sex. People are made to have sex. Just look at our body chemistry. It is quite evident. The longer you wait the more it will impact you and make you rush.

      4. I think many Christians have it in their head that all will be well if you follow a set of rules. For Christians, it is a matter of do’s and don’ts ……they thing they are “moral” if they follow the rules. I am hear to tell you that following the rules may not be moral at all. For example, right now, there is a man sitting in prison for life, for stealing golf clubs. Yes, that is following the rules, but the punishment is not remotely moral. In fact, the legal system is an excellent tool for teaching the difference between following the rules and being moral. People so quickly forget Christ was convict. He was convicted in a kangaroo court, with corrupt judges, lying witnesses, and brutal guards……. and all those people are alive and well today.

      5. It is a bad thing if there is no heaven. You sacrificed for nothing. You took crap from people for nothing. I am completely convinced the bible is what keeps the poor from rising up against the rich and government. When you have people with so much money just wasting away in banks or a government that spends 3 TRILLION dollars on useless wars or a government that locks up people for profit ……. there is a lot of anger because the rich could use that money to help, those 3 trillion dollars could be given back to the people instead of killing people ….. and we should never lock up people for profit (and don’t say we don’t do this … prisons are listed on the NYSE … anything listed on a stock exchange exists to make profit). The only thing that keeps the poor from violently rising up is the message of not killing and turning the other cheek. But one day, that may not even be enough. I fear that day may be soon. There are too many poor people, the middle class no longer exists…. when that happens the poor rise up.

      6. I think that is exactly what the person is saying and I agree with him or her. I agree. The bible has been a source of sacrifice…. problem is the poor are the only ones doing the sacrificing. The rich certainly arent and those in government arent.

    • Hey there, Ted.

      1. Thanks for being more specific. I appreciate that. As the author of this article, it looks like we agree on this one.

      2. If you define the word “incompatibility” as something that, by its very nature, is insurmountable or unchangeable, then I think we’re using different definitions. No big deal there. What I’m saying is that if a couple chooses to not have pre-marital sex and later finds they have incongruous sexual tastes, this is something they can converge on if they are both willing to learn from one another (much like many of the challenges of marriage).

      3. I think we agree here.

      4. Since you haven’t given me anything specific from this article that has led you to think I’m promoting a “happily ever after” marriage fantasy, I guess I can’t reply to this point.

      I think you are correct that morality is more than rule-following. Christian ethics, as it is defined in the Bible, is more than normative ethics (“follow the rule because God says so”). Christian ethics is also situational (“what is wise and best in this situation?”) and existential (“why am I doing or not doing this action?”). Christian ethics is a far richer subject than some make it out to be. I suppose we agree on this point (at least as far as you’ve communicated).

      5 & 6. I agree removing eternal hope is a bad thing, but both the Bible’s stated intention for giving hope and the actual effect it has in people’s lives is the opposite of what you are saying. Take, for instance, the Christian abolitionists of the 19th century. Rich and poor, they united together to end oppressive laws and norms, not in spite of their hope but because of it. If one looks in the Scripture, one sees a God who chooses the poor and the oppressed, and one hears the constant prophetic call that those who align themselves with such a God will work for the cause of the poor and oppressed themselves.

    • There is so much lack of textual criticism in your thought here. You made a claim regarding sexual compatibility and how sexual incompatibility “destroys a marriage.” I don’t think I’ve ever met any person, nor have studies shown, that sexual incompatibility is the sole purpose for a marriage’s demise. Most likely what happens is a lack of communicating about expectations of all areas of marriage, sex included. Couples who wait to have sex until marriage are less likely to have marital “destruction” (to use your word) if they communicate about all areas of marriage, prior to marriage. Marital destruction from “sexual incompatibility” is often more likely the result of something much greater…

      Secondly, you mentioned that “fools then rush into marriage just to have sex.” I think even non-religious married couples who decide to wait would disagree. I think this statement is a reaction used simply to support your frustrations with alleged “brainwashing” and “Pavlovian” psychological tactics…but in reality, it’s just not the reality for most.

      Just because the government, for example, might benefit from a group of people who remain content with what they have may serve the government, does not remove the merit in the principle of contentedness…just like loving your neighbor, even when you don’t want to, is removed from the principle of being a decent human being. Just because the principles in scripture benefit a group of people who tend to disregard those principles, does not mean that the principles themselves are without merit. Your logic is somewhat flawed, and appears to be with some subjective bias.

  4. The facts are actually the opposite of most of the comments made. People who have sex before marriage are more like to divorce than those who don’t. The reasons are not clear yet but may be because they learn delayed gratification. If they learn to control their sexual urges before mrriage then controlling disappointment or disparity within marriage is easier. Those who learn instant gratification are more likely to not be able to cope with any level of dissatisfaction. On the rich and poor it is actually the rich who hate the Bible more. Christianity is less prevalent among the self sufficient rich than the poor. The Bible is a way out of poverty for the poor. And Governments definitely hate the Bible. It is banned in many countries and is even restricte in Government institutions in The USA. Porn certainly relies on and feeds dis-content. It must create an unsatisfied desire to sustain itself. The same is true of all advertising. Toyota will never tell people to keep their pesent car, it gets you from A to B. Pornography agents will never tell people to stay with their current partner because it is better for them and more satisfying in the long run.

    • Oh please. You missed the entire point of that that person wrote. And where did you come up with “Pornography Agents.”

      Show me the statistics on people who have sex before and after marriage. My guess is that those who wait have nothing to compare their sex life to. So, if it is terrible they won’t even know.

      Look at what you wrote: “If they learn to control their sexual urges before mrriage then controlling disappointment or disparity within marriage is easier.” So, essentially you are saying a person needs to just be content being in a disappointing marriage. That is even more incentive to know everything about your spouse before marrying him or her. A huge part of a marriage is sex. What? You think life is all about going to work and going to church?

      The entire government is based on the bible actually. It is in every courtroom. All the suffering that occurs through the legal system is because of our puritanical society. Often, our punishments are worse than the crimes. No, believe this, the government loves the bible. It keeps the masses from rising up. It makes people accept the terrible conditions in which they live for the promise of some reward in heaven.

      Hate to tell you on your car analogy —- that car is going to tell you when it is ready to get a new one. Not the Toyota company. If you spouse is not a good person, hates sex, etc. That is what will drive divorces. Seen it a million times.

  5. Hi Ted,

    On the issue of incompatibility, what alternative do you suggest? personally, i think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with abstaining from sex until you’re married, even if there’s a possibility of “disappointment”(which is sometimes inevitable). But since you say that its better to know everything about your spouse before marriage, would u rather sleep with just about every person you date just so you’re sure that you won’t be disappointed if u happen to get married to that person?
    when you trust God for good things( be it your future spouse,a better job, awesome sex life even) you are placing your belief in him higher than our fear of the unknown,
    in other words,you know that believing is seeing. Not the other way round.
    Well, every decision we take has its risks.


    • Wow…
      The comments really went south. This is a monumental shame because the article itself was actually profound.
      I won’t be countering the list of debatable topics from the article… But I’ll say this…

      To those who questioned this article to the degree that they did… Do you know God? Does He speak to you? Do you trust Him with every part of your life? Is He leading you and revealing amazing revelations about yourself and your purpose, things you could never have hoped to discover on your own? Is He directing your path and bringing unspeakable peace and contentment even in the middle of life’s storms? Only God can do these things. The bottom line is… He is experiential, and His truths are experiential… There’s no explaining, debating, or educating if someone’s heart is not open to Him. An actual transformation takes place that can only be fathomed by the one offering their life to God. It’s miraculous. “Taste and see that the Lord is good, blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34:8.

      When you’re living in this other worldly way, you see things differently. I surrendered my sexuality to God… I used to put a lot of focus on sex and how it gratified me, my world was spiraling. I learned that not until I was completely gratified by God could sex with my husband be meaningful. God’s a pretty clever guy. He’s the only one that meets all of our needs, and only when He’s meeting our needs can we find contentment where we couldn’t before… in unfulfilling sex, in a state of poverty, etc. He makes all things new. “Do not be conformed by this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” Romans 12:2.

      No one on earth, no use of our sexuality (before or after marriage), no spouse, no government, no leaders, no career will ever satisfy us. And the Lord would have it no other way, because we were made by Him to worship Him. When we grasp this, when we surrender our lives at His feet, when He walks with us in the ways He asks us to go, He goes before us… things change, our outlook is radically different, He delivers us either from or through our tribulations, sometimes glorious miracles happen, and we are never the same again. He blesses us when we honor Him and put him first… He can make sex that was “bad” miraculously “good”. We can’t comprehend the depth of His love for us. He cares about every aspect of our lives and waits for us to put Him first so He can impact every facet of it and bring His peace.

      Only He brings true peace, freedom and transcending contentment. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.”
      Proverbs 3:5-6

  6. Thanks for your article Luke. It is very timely for me as I am raising two tween girls as a single parent and am struggling to set limits on media in our home. In addition, the girls’ father has taken the tack you first described of essentially forbidding everything and criticizing the girls’ desires for any programming other than that labeled “Christian”. Things are complicated by the fact that my older daughter has ADHD and is Oppositional thus turning just about every conversation either into a joke or an argument. After reading your suggestions I feel I have been thrown a lifeline. I do need to set better limits and stick to them, but now I feel I have a means of approaching the issue at it’s source, rather than trying to control their environment, which is impossible anyway. It is a heart issue, and while my ODD child is resistant to dictatorship, I pray the Lord will open her heart to Godly leadership. Prayers are appreciated!

  7. Thanks so much for this article.Am supposed to talk to a group of teenagers this Sunday on sexual purity and this will really come in handy.

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