Porn and Your Husband

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Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

123 thoughts on “Yes, Using Porn Is Cheating. Here’s Why.

  1. I agree with the fundamental concept you address: viewing pornography violates the sanctity of marriage. It moves away from intimacy versus moving towards it, every time.

    There is a recurring motif on this website of employing theatrics. In a round-about way, you admitted this in a separate comment for an article on this website that covered this idea from the adultery angle. Articles with spooky Halloween font on the photos, titles and premises saying porn is cheating, porn is adultery, or comments saying digital prostitution, he is defrauding you, etc. – all of these may feel true to many, especially the spouses harmed. But I think you’re doing a disservice to those seeking help and betraying the spirit of help you aim to offer by using these theatrical and dogmatic techniques designed to illicit strong (and negative) emotional responses.

    Fear, outrage – these are the easiest emotional responses to illicit in an audience. Topics of fear are children (i.e. “Protect your children”). Then there is the topic of sex. Mix together and you have your 10 o’clock news.

    Pornography addiction is an epidemic and software services such as yours are helpful for many. It’s disheartening to see the accompanying articles with surface-level language that moves towards fear and outrage, instead of moving away from it. Don’t be another news channel. You can validate, empathize, and support emotions and thoughts of husbands and wives struggling with this without using haughty rhetoric. Become the center of neutral, objective, evidence-based solution for the millions in search of answers and support. You can do this. We need it.

    Thanks.

    • Thanks for the word of encouragement. I don’t disagree with you. I will say, however, that each article has its own intended audience. This article, for instance, is geared more to the gentleman who has turned a deaf ear to his spouse, the man who will go on viewing pornography under the pretense that he’s actually doing his partner a service by not cheating on her and is trapped in a cycle of auto-erotic pleasure. (Unfortunately, I read comments from their wives every day, and it is heartbreaking.) Such men need to see things in a new light, and I don’t mind telling these men they are flat-out wrong—even if it means invoking strong emotional language.

      Other articles that have much more encouraging and positive language are meant to lift the reader out of a state of self-condemnation and toxic shame.

      In short, not every article is intended for every audience.

      As you said, I would be doing a disservice if I meant this article for those who are truly struggling and seeking help. But that is simply not the intended audience here. Perhaps I need to do a better job of making that crystal clear.

    • you’re wrong….and here’s why. like eve did in the garden, you’re adding to God’s word. God did not tell adam that he couldn’t look at, touch, or smell the fruit of the tree. he said that he couldn’t EAT it. what you’re saying is effectively, that looking at, smelling, or touching is in the same SPIRIT of God’s command as the letter. and sometimes, the LETTER is actually what it MEANS. what if a woman kissed another man? what if she only had lunch with another man? what if she only fell in love with another man? is that cheating? unfortunately, NO, although if my wife did those things i would be jealous and demand she repent or i’d wish i could divorce her. the PROBLEM is people like you are never satisfied with what the bible ACTUALLY says… you feel the need to add-to or take-away in the name of being in the same spirit. is pornography sin? YES…. but does it break the marriage covenant? NO. the bible draws a very clear line, because people like you don’t want to walk in the spirit, you need to not only use God’s word as a club, but add additional rules to follow as well. and that LINE is sexual immorality. you cannot commit sexual immorality if you do not have SEX. that involves two people and their genitals in some way-shape-or form. pornography is in the same category as what bible calls an uncleanness. like smoking or drugs that pollute the body. it also has the added effect of hurting a woman’s fleshly ego and pride. but most christian couples engage in sex prior to marriage. (fornication) so it cannot be that the wife legitimately is concerned for purity. in fact, she probably wishes her husband would do some of those things he’s watching to HER…or that she could do some of those things with another man. DEUT 23:10 says “If there is any man among you who becomes unclean by some occurrence in the night, then he shall go outside the camp; he shall not come inside the camp. 11 But it shall be, when evening comes, that he shall wash with water; and when the sun sets, he may come into the camp. ” it’s referring to masturbation and ejaculation outside of sex. it is a sin of uncleanness…. but it does not break the marriage covenant. you can’t be ‘of the Spirit’ when you don’t even agree with God’s word.

    • James, you might want to read this blog post about how Luke’s opinion changed regarding porn as grounds for divorce. I also want to point out that Jesus himself calls the simple act of lust adultery (Matthew 5:28); while we would not advocate divorce on the grounds of walking past another person on the street and thinking a lustful thought, what is pornography if not digital prostitution? What is masturbation to porn if not two people (or, realistically, two performers and an observer) performing sexual acts with their genitals?

    • Well, Ana, porn use is one of those things that often escalates over time. It often includes things that seem “risky” which helps it be more exciting. But yes, it’s also true that men who watch a lot of porn are more likely to cheat. I’d say you need to think about your boundaries and what you want in the relationship, then talk with him about it and see if you’re on the same page. Blessings, Kay

    • Nero

      So then by this any wife that reads 50 shades of grey and other such porn books are also cheating correct

    • Lisa,

      In Matthew 5:27–28, Jesus did not say that “lust” is the same thing as adultery. That is a misunderstanding of the text based on the English translation lacking nuance. In Greek, it says, “βλέπων γυναῖκα πρὸς τὸ ἐπιθυμῆσαι αὐτὴν,” or “looking upon a woman in order to lust after her.” It is important to note here that “ἐπιθυμῆσαι” is the same word translated as “to covet” elsewhere (including the Ten Commandments).

      Thus, Jesus was not saying that thoughts equated to actual adultery. He was rather saying that “looking upon a woman in order to COVET her” was the same thing as actually committing the act. Once you have determined to acquire the forbidden object of your desire, you have already sinned. That is a key distinction that is missed in the English translations of the Bible where nuance was lost from the Greek.

      If we apply that to pornography, one is certainly having lustful thoughts. But is the man coveting the woman in the pornography? Has he committed himself to actively seeking her out to act upon his lustful thoughts? If he does not actually intend to commit the sin and never does so, nothing in Matthew 5:27-28 says he’s guilty anyway.

      Let’s consider Deuteronomy 23:10, which tells us that a man who suffers a “nocturnal emission” (קרי לילה) shall leave the camp for the day, wash himself, and only return in the evening. Now, some may want to say this is not the same thing as pornography, but we have no reason to assume that conscious sexual thoughts are worse than our subconscious manifesting our desires while we sleep. In Deuteronomy, we do not find the hypothetical man being condemned for having committed adultery, but he has rather made himself unclean and must wash himself. If the thoughts or desires themselves are the same as acting out sins, would our deepest desires not count as well?

    • Hi John – it seems dangerous to nuance Scripture in this way. Because of what pornography does to neurologically bond the user to what is being watched, there’s no need to get on the phone and ask her to come over. There’s no need to actually acquire the woman – the user has access 24/7 and many times, fantasizes about multiple “hers” while with his spouse (assuming it’s the husband). At what point does one cross from lust to coveting? I guess I’m not exactly sure. But, I’m curious why you would try to point out a distinction? Thanks, Chris

    • What if you see it but don’t get off it, meaning masturbate, is that still consider cheating???? I see it through social media, or basically surfing the net…they show sex scence in movie/tv shows, does that mean you cheating???

    • Every Monday my partner watches porn every time I ask him why he does it he says he view it as art to get off on. How do I respond to something like that.

    • I was very curious as to what legal grounds would be considered as
      an act of Adultery. Interestingly enough many states have different criterium as to what is considered an adultery act. The prevailing and most agreed upon stipulation among states is a singular sexual act with another individual who isn’t your partner. At the same time I can’t find any holes in your suggestion that masturbation itself is adultery. Then again this article isn’t supported with any statistical or factual evidence; and is purely observational. That doesn’t discredit your merit in academics though; so we’re teetering on the insight of a professional vs. hard evidence. Then again I feel this is what ultimately makes your point contentious; having us agree with you at face value. Also considering the nature of this blog and your religious alignment has put a bias on you whether you think so or not..

      Let’s not forget that women also view porn; not only that but according to the Dailymail 40% of females have admitted to making porn themselves and another statistic admitted the watching porn as a couple has actually improved their sex life by 96%. Strangely enough porn which is viewed by both nunerous men and women have created an egalitarianism view in regards to how each sex views each other. For example a study led by Taylor Kohut, of Western University, conducted a General Social Survey, of US population, between 1975 and 2011. The survey itself asked participants to indentify whether or not they had watched any sort of pornographic type matierals within the last year. To follow it up, it also included questions in regards to attitudes towards the opposite sex not just within the porn industry. After the survey had been completed with a total of 28,000 particpants it revealed its findings in the ‘Journal of Sex Research,’ by stating , “23% of Americans told researchers that they had viewed pornography in the last year. Both male and female pornography viewers had better attitudes towards women working outside the home, and were more supportive of abortion rights, in comparison with those who had not watched pornography,” the article itself even ends how the danger of pornography are wildly exaggerated.

      As mentioned before the prevailing legal grounds of adultery is having a singular sexual act with another individual whose not your partner. My biggest problem with your argument is emotions. Marriage itself is a deep emotional connection, right? Do you absolutely need an emotional connection to masturbate? Isn’t the act itself just self-gratification? I mean those whom have a physical affair with another needs to have some sort of motivation or some sort of an emotional appeal to some one other than their marriage partner correct? I’m not dismissing your very hypothetical situations of someone going to a hooker to jerk off and porn addicts but sadly those are few and far in between. Compared to those who just want a quick wank because their spouse doesn’t ‘feel like it’ or is’tired’. If anything I’d view porn as an aid to marriage. Why? Because your not fantasizing about your co-worker, spouse’s friend, the girl you saw bend over at the gym, or even your 11th grade bio teacher from years ago. In reality what is deemed cheating in a marriage is purely subjective. It’s purely based on individual morality. What one person may say is unjust the other will see it as irrelevant. Which is probably why many states specific criterium other than sex for adultery is different and can’t be agreed upon…

    • Here’s an article you might find interesting. The Gottman Institute, the premier source of relationship research in the world, came out against porn this year. However you parse it, TGI clearly sees that consistently turning to porn is harmful to relationships. These are the folks who can tell from having a 5-minute conversation with a couple, who’s going to get divorced and who’s going to stay together. So if you’re interested in a healthy relationship, it’s worth taking their view into account.

    • A person can admire the beauty of another human (whether in person, on the street, at a fashion show, in a fitness comptetition, at the beach, in a bank,…, etc. or through art works of famous or unknown paintors or photographers) without it constituting cheating. Such admiration does not mean masturbation, or anything related. Otherwise the Sistine Chapel, many sculptures, and works in most museums of the world, art galleries, etc. would be destroyed by now. The beauty of modern photographic art is not different from the beauty of ancient sculptures; otherwise a married couple could not walk into a museum, art gallery, beach, etc. and be able to look in each others eyes.

    • Hello there I’m have a boyfriend nearly for 1 year and suddenly I’m discover my boyfriend watch porn and visit site with chats ! I’m very frustrated just wanna cry at same time ! Got a felling devastated I’m don’t know why if is the fact I’m love him soo much but the same time I’m felling I’m not good enough for him or if him don’t fancy me at that level …. my frustration is I’m think is just using me and when his sleep with me barely touch me or kiss me , just wanna do the same position (dog style)and his never see my face ! Don’t know what to do or what to say … I’m soo confused help me please

    • I’m so sorry. You really deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and treats you with respect! Maybe that’s not the kind of help you’re looking for? But just know that you deserve to be treated as the valuable and wonderful person you are. It sounds like your current boyfriend isn’t willing or able to do that, which sounds to me like a sign that it’s time for you to move on. I’m a therapist, and I’ll just tell you that every abused woman I’ve ever counseled will say that they’re confused, when they know that they’re being treated badly. It’s confusing when you’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be about love, and it really is about being used isntead. Sometimes it takes a while for us to understand the reality of what’s happening. But I think you know. And when you’re ready, you’ll be okay with moving on so you can enjoy relationships where you’re treated with respect and appreciation. Peace to you, Kay

    • Thank you so much for this important information. I have been trying to put what I have been going through in words and couldn’t but now thank Jesus here it it is thank you

    • I’m not for my partner watching porn and stuff and if I did it she wouldn’t like it I’m guessing but the thing is with the stripper, in porn u don’t know the people or pay (on some of them) or talk or like have any connection or msg them it’s just there idk this might sound stupid but I’m just saying

    • I agree completely. I know first hand how it feels to be clear cheated on by my husband using pornography.
      Even to the point of purchasing videos an using our grocery money to do it and then lieing about it saying its something else. That he bought something for me.
      Coping with the fact is hard. It even comes down to the point of is he thinking about these women when we are having sex. And everything time he is on his tablet wondering what he is really doing and if he is hiding something again.
      Porn runins relationships. It breaks trust. An your spouces heart

    • This is to James: You are wrong. You seem to forget that the Bible says in Matthew 5:28 says “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

    • This is a one dimensional argument taken from the ‘cheated female’ perspective.

      If communication had occurred in the relationship stating that a partner feels watching porn is cheating. Then obviously when the other partner secretly watches porn they are obviously cheating.

      However you do not consider many factors.

      Firstly in the modern age, from surveys, it is considered normal for men to watch porn as it is in the majority. About 25% of females watch porn.
      So unless there is solid communication about this subject. The normal way of life that the man or women would continue.

      Secondly, there are many couples that enjoy watching porn together and this certainly is not cheating.

      I understand your argument, however having a title ‘yes porn is cheating’ is completely inaccurate

    • I believe that it is still cheating. 1) If you’re using porn, you’re cheating on your future spouse. Marriage may not be in your future…but how can you know for sure? Your choices now will negatively affect any future relationships (it affects your relationship with family and friends, as well). It’s never too early to protect your marriage. I wish I had realized that years ago… 2) You’re committing adultery against your God. Pornography can easily become an idol in which you worship. Ezekiel 23:37 says, “With their idols they have committed adultery.”

    • While I agree with you on these points, I’m not sure that was the nature of the question. The Bible distinguishes between sexual sins that are adulterous in nature and those that aren’t, even applying different penalties in the Old Testament for different sins. I’m not saying using porn isn’t bad for your future marriage or that using porn isn’t a sin against God. I’m just saying I don’t think we need to stretch the word “cheating” to impress on others the sinfulness of the action. There are plenty of biblical categories we can use.

    • I know everything you say has Merritt, I thank you for that. My question was, is it a policy violation. Your first word is “YES” and I’ll except that as my answer Thank you so much.

    • God made us the way we are. If he didn’t want us touching it, he would have made our arms shorter. Lets not confuse what is sinful to God and what the church says is sinful. I don’t recall any commandments stating “Thow shalt not beat it like a circus monkey”

      In fact, it is basically the morality of the church being written into various translations and interpretations of the Bible. I don’t recall the Bible mentioning God providing Adam and Eve with clothing. Apparently nudity was ok in Gods eyes.

      God made our bodies the way they are. They work as he intended them to. You can’t blame a Devil for a mans body doing what it is supposed to do. Nor can you say it is sinful for a man to relieve himself.

    • Hi, Gary – using your logic, then everything that is possible is permissible, correct? In other words, if God didn’t make my body in a way that prohibits an action, then that action must be permissible. How do you define sin? Do you know many men who are able to “beat it like a circus monkey” while upholding their marriage vows? (not sure if you’re married – just using it as an illustration). Do I think we (“the church”) make a really big deal out of masturbation sometimes when there are issues in this world that are much more important? Yes, if I’m honest. But, our bodies work best with guidelines. I just can’t imagine standing in front of God, “beating it like a circus monkey,” with my mind full of sexual fantasy, and at the same time, bringing Him glory. Maybe it’s not in Scripture, but are you truly at your honorable, God-glorifying best while doing it? Probably not. Just be honest. You like doing it because it serves you. Not God.

      Regards, Chris

    • You are void of any deep moral values about love & fidelity, and any man sexually getting off on a woman other than his spouse IS BREAKING THIER MARRIAGE VOWS.
      If this is your opinion just please stay single or only mingle with women who don’t mind infidelity…but remember,
      You don’t get to ask for fidelity from her in the bedroom.

    • I happen to flat out disagree with the original argument. There’s a big difference between personal and impersonal. In the original argument, he keeps trying to relate being with a real person. And, yes, being with someone real someone you know someone you could actually have contact with someone that you actually lust after in such regard can be regarded as Lustful. And I agree with the Greek version of what Matthew says that it depends on your actual intention to follow through with being with someone. Versus actually imagining being with someone or looking at a picture of someone. I mean can it be regarded as cheating by looking at Ariel from Little Mermaid If you have a lust full imagining about that? What about anime? What is that is that cheating in the same regard as the original argument would imply? No the reason is they aren’t real they don’t exist there not actual people or anyone who you actually have the potential to actually lust after with the intention of being with a real person. Even if they are actual actors they may as well be anime people because you’re never going to meet them and they may as well even be dead. Much less ever actually physically engaging your genitals with some other person, or online fantasy actress. The original argument crosses the line by presupposing that all aspects of porn are personal. As if you actually know that person can chat with that person can text that person can call that person on the phone can send that person emails can have some kind of actual real contact with that person. that’s all BS most of the time you’re never gonna actually find those people look for those people hope to meet those people have actual lust in your heart for that person with respect to calling them reaching them emailing them texting them and actually knowing them as a person.

      In the original argument, he states that pornography is getting off at the expense of somebody else, I say BS! Again, the insolence of his argument is presupposing that all of porn is personal. Untrue period!

      . If you really wanna get at it. The essence of cheating largely has to do with emotional transferences. Not just a physical act of two genitals interacting. In most porn neither of those two things are happening there is no emotional transference, hello, and there is no actual physical gentles interacting! This is all just jealous female talk trying to extend the borders and the boundaries of what constitutes cheating. Usually so they can enable themselves and feel justified to do something in retaliation. Most the time men wind up looking at porn simply because they have a larger appetite or their wife is tired that night or doesn’t have the same drive, or still has too much fuel in the tank. But no one ever consider that anything but a burden right. No, one ever considers a that a man has to relieve himself or else frustration builds. I’m sure if women would do the things that men needed they wouldn’t be looking at porn at all. In fact, there’s another way to look at it, you could look at porn is something that heals a man and makes them healthy and keeps them in high spirits and heals there stressed out minds and spirits. In fact you could look at porn actresses like healers vs whores! There’s all kinds of ways, you can look at this both good and bad. So obviously there’s a lot of subjectivity to go around no matter how you look at this issue. but trying to call porn cheating is flat out BS!

  2. I think it’s important to address the definition of shame in light of the intended audience of this article and your motivation for using “strong emotional language”. I’d also like to extend a call to action for you and other contributors on this website to recognize that “scared straight”, “tough love”, and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy achieving their intended goal for the audience, and, as a matter of urgency, contemporary approaches that address the problem and solution with less emotional charge (i.e. shame) should be adopted because they possess greater potential for resonance. As a point of clarification, I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes. I’m also not suggesting that emotional, marital, and physical boundaries be dismissed or dishonored.

    Most succinctly, I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self. It embodies the more sensitive and often excruciating camp of negative emotions that range from embarrassment to humiliation. Internally it’s recognized in the form of anxiety about/to negative judgment about self from others. Anxiousness about unwanted exposure and judgment can evoke a profound sense of unworthiness and inferiority that is registered as a direct threat. American social and cultural understanding of shame has obfuscated its true meaning and confused it with emotions such as guilt and fear. Anxiety-based expressions such as fear of public speaking, and fear of failure, are American phrases that confuse shame with fear. Your own article, Guilt vs. Shame, speaks to the confusion between guilt and shame.

    Within the context of pornography epidemic, understanding shame is vital. I object to the notion that the “popular” (American) definition of shame is merely a selfish attempt to exonerate the individual from their actions that produce it (i.e. stopping “the relationship to sin”). If anything is “popular” when it comes to shame, it’s denying the self, and by extension others, of its existence because the alternative is so painful. This distinction is perhaps subtle, as both of these viewpoints address the same phenomena. However, understanding the difference is paramount. Denial manifestations can take many forms, running the gamut from amnestic episodic memory to a litany of absurd rationalizations. These rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it, as your Guilt vs. Shame article implies, but the very essence of that rationalization is born from the well of excruciating shame and subsequent denial.

    There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame. On deep spiritual and social levels, we intuitively understand all participants (viewers included) experience a spiritual and social death. The industry embodies secrecy, exploitation, objectification, abuse, trauma, and severe distortions of reality. Like anyone claiming they really enjoyed their first cigarette, the first exposure to the pornography industry is eerily similar. It’s an affront to our identity and our senses. In the aftermath of first exposure, we find ourselves confused and ashamed by the experience. Ideas like “other people like this, so there must be something wrong with me”, “it’s legal and others do it, so I shouldn’t feel this way”, “my dad/mom/brother/friend like this, so I should too”, “is the door locked?”, or “why do people do this?” capture the thoughts and feelings. It really is a baffling, secret, and shaming emotional experience to exploit or watch exploitation and pretend all participants are not committing social suicide. Like smoking, revisiting the experience is only improved by our own repeated brainwashing that the experience is far more pleasant and esteemable than it really is.

    Shame is a powerful and necessary motivator that helps govern our relationship with others and our spirituality. Using shame to correct shameful experiences is paradoxically misguided and unfortunate. Shaming the ashamed with “strong emotional language” only perpetuates shame thereby triggering humiliation and, regrettably, outward and often vitriolic attempts to save face or accelerates suppression and denial. Emerging treatment modalities confronting pornography (and arguably shame) addiction recognize this paradox and how it’s been a barrier. I believe many who managed to move past this barrier still look to articles such as these, later in recovery, and feel the latent resonance of that toxic humiliation. Most addicts that find themselves here, either by recommendation or consideration of your product, won’t have the instantaneous and radical epiphany you would hope on the harm they are causing themselves and their loved ones. Most won’t even understand how to recognize their shame or the issues they face due to habituated denial. Only those in recovery, after considerable willingness and effort, can begin to unravel the denial and fathom the deep wounds they have inflicted on any level. Arguably, unless experienced firsthand themselves, true and intimate understanding of the pain may never be fully realized. So why then make the approach to those in denial with a tactic that exacerbates denial and humiliation? This really is doing a disservice to your intended audience.

    As an aside, I would have guessed your intended audience to be the wives of addicted husbands.

    • Good points. I’ll try to reply to them as best I can.

      1. “I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes.” Good deal. I assumed you wouldn’t do that.

      2. “‘Scared straight,’ ‘tough love,’ and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy.” Yes. Absolutely.

      3. “I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self.” My definition of shame is similar. Like you say, it should be distinguished from fear or guilt. Agreed.

      4. “…rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it.” Agreed. Shame should not be demonized or condemned. Agree 100%.

      5. “There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame.” I don’t disagree here either. I would qualify that we tend to see two types of individuals who find themselves ensnared by pornography: those who have a shame-based grasp of their condition, and those who grew up in “shameless” atmospheres. Perhaps this is what you were talking about when you mentioned “habitual denial.” While I agree that shame is a universal human experience, we tend to talk to a lot of “sinning in broad daylight” types.

      6. “Shaming the ashamed with ‘strong emotional language’ only perpetuates shame.” Yes. The intention of this article is to address the unashamed. What some readers have told us is, “I showed [specific article] to my husband and he finally understood how much he was hurting me. He and I are finally seeking help for the first time.” As far as shaming the ashamed, I completely agree.

    • I recently saw that my husband was/had been watch ING porno,looking at websites for local women who just want to F. . . I had a very heated moment with him about this and we finally had silence. I later told him I wanted to be alone in our bedroom. I got on my knees,prayed,cried with loud hollers,like somebody died or something. I was so so heartbroken. I asked God to please have Mercy on US and to guide me in the decisions I will be having to make. By the way,this all was brought to the light on Christmas day. I called my husband to come in to our bedroom and I told him to come pray with me. We both cried so much. My pain was like hitting really hard on my heart and I know his is shame, regret,fear,(of loosing me) etc. Having to admit addictions is hard,but he did come clean. I told him that with God’s help, we will get through this. Satan never rests .He kills,steals,and districts. I told my husband I forgive him but I have been going through a lot of discouragement, crying in moments, and just feeling like I am not completely satisfying my marriage. I told this to my husband and he said I do turn him on,he loves me very much and I am everything he always wanted in a woman. From me being caring, determined to accomplish and being strong and firm in my WORD. I asked him,then why, what makes you do this? He finally said it, that he has an addiction and thought he could make it stop by himself. At this point I will be making decisions and I really need you to pray for US.

      This is what’s happening in my marriage, the vows we both promised and committed are in a very bad storm. Anyone with a suggestion!

    • Hi Jo,

      Well, first of all, your husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to get his devices clean, he needs therapy, he needs accountability. He needs to do this work if he’s going to get past his habits and become trustworthy again. He won’t be able to do it alone. He needs help. Often men feel an initial high when they come clean, but if they don’t get real help, they will relapse. Even with help, it’s a long road to true recovery. You can’t do that work for him, he has to do it himself.

      Secondly, you need support and help as well. Find a therapist for you, someone who can help you process your pain and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries. Find a group for yourself. Check out on the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • I got one my spouse had a couple of dreams at different points in our relationship and she has woke cause she was going to have sex ,but woke and tried to go back to sleep to continue the dream and me if I watch porn that I am not clearly in she saying that cheating, but her having sex in her dream is not cause you can’t control what you dream or do in your dream..wrong you can do only what you really want to do…that is cheating…so she says that are grounds for dumping me and calling me a cheater…woow

  3. I think the point of this article is simply to call “a duck, a duck” many men deal with the shame by living in denial and saying “well, it isn’t really cheating” to be free from the sin they must deal with the denial. The goal is not to shame them, they are already living in shame. The goal is to break through the denial that is holding them back from real change.

    • I’m surprised at Luke’s response to your comment – and your comment. My position is that denial is a face of shame on this specific issue (a coping mechanism), which you confirm in your comment, and Luke somewhat confirms with his “shameless” and “sinning in broad daylight” comments. “Breaking through the denial” with intervention-based language intended to incite and offend (e.g. tough-love, “break through”, scared straight, etc) betray the goal of inspiring real change. Luke even acknowledges this and agrees with it.

      Taken a step further, we get to the real heart and intent of the article. The primary audience is female, the secondary audience being the husbands in the grip of porn (see Luke’s comment item #6 above). You could also say the final audience is the husbands, but the couriers are the wives of addicts. This distinction is important. This type of language directed towards the addicts doesn’t go far.

      Luke suggests articles like these have brought many husbands to the breaking point, but I think that’s taking more credit than is due. These articles aren’t read or received in a vacuum. The love, support, worry, concern, heart break, hurt, God, faith, and hope that are almost always delivered with the article deserve all the credit for inspiring real change.

      I’ve somewhat abandoned communicating how harmful this type of approach is on this website. Old mind patterns die hard. I really believe this approach turns so many away from embarking on real change, and with the rising tide of this epidemic, the impact this language has is heartbreaking to me.

      I do not believe God will, upon my death, greet me with anything other than immeasurable and incalculable love and grace. There will be no inciting language intended to offend my senses for whatever transgressions I account for. Only love and grace.

    • I know we will probably have to agree to disagree. By in large, we write articles that are meant to bring encouragement and understanding around the topic of addiction. From time to time we write to those who are convinced that nothing is wrong with porn and who are convinced their spouse should see things the same way. These kind of apologetics are meant to break through that line of thinking, but not to be an end in and of themselves (as no article is meant to be).

    • Jessica, Yes…my husband made real changes only when he stopped denying the cause of the shame he was feeling. Well put and I know my husband would agree. My husband lived in shame when his motto was, “Porn is definitely not cheating. It might not be nice but it isn’t cheating.” He was unable to break the cycle of addiction with this line always on the tip of his tongue, even when he thought he wanted to. But then came the light for my husband. Slowly, he began to realize that porn, lust, fantasy were much more damaging than simply being “not nice.” And that was when the profound changes in my husband began. He definitely views porn as adultery now and….he has become not only the husband that I always wanted him to be and always knew he could be. But, he has also become the man that he always wanted to be. The shame is gone from his life because his eyes are now open and aware of what real faithfulness means. Happiness can be in other couples futures as well. Take heed of what people in the know are saying here.

  4. There are reasons why people cheat and I am tired of hearing people skirt around this. If you are stuck in a sexless marriage then a marriage is hell. Also, why are articles always about men cheating? Women cheat just as much and are doing most of the porn our there.

    • If you are stuck in a sexless marriage, then yes, it can be very frustrating. This isn’t any reason to have sex with other women (just as being single isn’t a reason to sleep around), but I get your point.

      Articles aren’t always about men cheating. This one happens to be because that it receives the lion’s share of the e-mails we get, but if you want to read some articles for women who struggle with porn and sexual sin, then I suggest you start here.

  5. Thanks for this post. As a betrayed wife (who was very loving and attentive) I can say that it is most certainly cheating. It doesn’t just “feel” like it, it absolutely is. Much of the pornography is geared to make a man not only a viewer but a participant. Camera angles and such are placed in a way that hides the male actor at times, but shows the woman in totality, making a porn user feels HE is the one WITH the woman. When someone views porn and couples that with masturbation, they are ENTERING the fantasy. The “fantasy” now has a very tangible connection to his physical being. HE is now the man in the coupling… it’s just him and her in that moment. The remorse many husbands feel afterward, I believe, is knowing in that moment his wife didn’t matter.. Their vows didn’t matter. Pornography is death and destruction.

    • Really , some mothers do have em .
      So studies estimate well over 50 percent of women and 80 percent of men mastubrbate .
      Now are you all really trying to say that of that 50 percent of women who masterbate don’t fantasise to reach orgasm , or do they only masturbate exclusively fantasising about their partner ?hmmm I’m guessing they use images and thoughts of other men to reach orgasm…
      Which according to this hogwash is cheating ..
      I’m calling a spade a spade and unless you are having sexual intercourse or any other physical sexual activity with an actual person then you are not cheating sexually .maybe you are not being totally honest with your partner but you are not cheating ..
      Look up the meaning of cheating and not being honest in certain context to facilitate cheating could be classed as making cheating possible but not being honest is not another word for cheating
      That would make mastubating pointless !

    • Please help me here my husband admits it says he is struggling but yet says he can NOT promise to stop!?

  6. For those “Christian” husbands (and some wives!) still defending their pornography use, you should know Jesus permits divorce for issues of sexual immorality or unchastity. A lot of people misquote Him saying “adultery.” Oh no… The actually Greek word is “porneia.” Matthew 19:9 says: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for porneia (sexual immorality), and marries another woman commits adultery.” So to married people who are struggling with stopping, PLEASE take notice… God is telling us how badly this hurts a spouse and the marital bond! He permits divorce (which He HATES) over this issue of porneia. Save yourself before Satan steals the beauty from your life!
    To other hurt spouses out there, I do not want that scripture to cause you to stumble. God definitely prefers reconciliation over divorce.. Go to the throne (of God) before the courthouse! In my case, I BURIED my face in the bible and prayer! I cried more to God (and still do) than I ever have in my life. I began to extend grace as best as I could to my husband. But, he also realized what he did absolutely devastated me and is remorseful over it. We are on the road to recovery. Not fully recovered, no.. But God is restoring us!!

    • You absolutely nailed it. I have tried to reconcile. I have been to counselor after counselor. I have heard every promise. He has assured me every time that he was delivered. Every time his porn addiction was worse, until finally he started looking at teen porn. I forgave every time, but that doesn’t fix it. Now I think he may be finally done with it, but after 12 years of this, I am done with him, and I am not willing to wait around to see if he is finally done with it…this time. Honestly the damage is done. No matter how much I forgive him, the trust is gone. I just can’t live like this anymore with locks on the computers, making sure he isn’t left home alone, sneaking down the hall with my heart pounding in the middle of the night because he isn’t in bed and I am afraid of what I will catch him doing. I may forgive, but I cannot receive love from him. Even in intimate times, actually especially in intimate times, there are thousands of women between us, making me feel compared, making me feel settled for, making me feel like nothing special to him…just another one. Thank you for what you said HurtWife. You are completely right. I have studied this, and Jesus DID say *porneia* which does mean any kind of sexual immorality. Tell it like it is. I’m tired of people justifying porn as though it is an excusable act.

    • And yes as a hurt wife here who masterbates. When I do yes I think of him and what I would like him to do I don’t watch porn haven’t since he told me he didn’t want me to. But then months down the road I see he is watching porn and for hours not only that but has turned me down for sex I know he has masterbates to these and all in all cheating is when u actively emerse your one self in any sexual act. So yes watching porn and masterbating to it he has to finish by make believing he is there so yes it’s cheating and committing adultery

  7. I think it would be very enlightening to ask the following questions of anyone who is angry or hurt by his/her partner watching porn.

    1. Do you masturbate? If yes…

    2. Do you fantasize while masturbating? If yes…

    3. Do you ever fantasize about activities that you don’t engage in with your partner during sex or do you only imagine the same activities that you actually do engage in with your partner?

    4. Is the partner in your fantasies always your real life partner or do you ever imagine anyone else? Someone you know, a celebrity, or even a fabricated person – nameless and faceless but still distinctly NOT your real life partner?

    If you answered yes to these questions, you might want to re-examine your vilification of your partner for watching porn when what you do while masturbating is substantively no different. You imagine porn in your head and your partner watched it on a screen. No real difference there.

    • I agree!! What you said really hits the nail on the head. It’s lustful desires in the heart.. Desiring someone outside your partner IS wrong! Where pornography is unique, I think, is it can wrap its tentacles around a man’s mind that mental fantasies cannot and can seriously torture a wife (we can’t even check out our groceries without being reminded of the “perfect,” young options for our husband’s fantasies). And that’s the thing.. Looking at the objects of lust only reminds a man of all the other “perfect” options out there and increases his dissatisfaction with his real, aging and flawed partner. Also, studies have proven how indulging in pornographic images/videos can dramatically warp a man’s mind about women in general. This can also be true for women, of course, but this post is specific to men.
      But, I think you have a great point!

    • I have to say that when I masturbate (which is rare to begin with as I prefer my husband) I am only thinking of him. This is not to pass judgement or “side” with anyone. I find my husband extremely attractive…even as he continues to age. He just seems to get hotter and hotter…and this is even though we are having serious marital problems right now. Ironically, our troubles are based on sex. That I don’t want him enough or I don’t initiate it enough…which is true. But it is due to his lack of respect and adoration of me (something he gave me when I met him, dated him and married him) which is gone now…so I feel someone demoralized having sex with him. That was all probably a bit too much information. But bottom line, no, I do not fantasize about others sexually. Just him. But I do find myself fantasizing about the respect and adoration he had for me and viewing that person from before as a completely different person now.

    • My response to all of the above is “sneaking around, lying, being deceitful, opting to sit in and watch porn rather than spend time with your wife/family/friends and spend what transpires to be possibly £1000s on porn is not the same as fantasising in your own head! When you commit to marriage, you are vowing to be open and honest, not to have what is ultimately another life online. I obviously don’t know your circumstances but from someone who is not a prude, has always been a sexual person, in fact wanting more sex with my husband and has recently discovered a secret “porn addiction” I can tell you it is the secrecy, deceit and betrayl that are like a million daggers to the heart.”

    • Rob, I am 61 yrs old and sex for me is being with my husband and always thinking only of my husband. I promised him those things in my marriage vows and I keep my promises. We have been married 32 yrs and my husband recently told me that he spent 25 of those yrs with porn, lust, fantasy & masturbation. And yes, I am completely devastated. I know many women (young and old), like myself. I am not a unique woman and for the most part we are not the same as men.

  8. I have been in a virtually sexless relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I’ve tried discussing with him many times about feeling neglected in this area of our relationship, and what could possibly be going on to cause him to not be interested in being physically intimate with me. At first, he offered several explanations ranging from conditions or circumstances not being right to the fact that he’s just never been a sexual person. He would always just say that he would fix it, and also confided that previous relationships had ultimately ended because of this issue.
    Not really ever feeling that I was getting anywhere, I decided to back off and allow him to try and “fix it”. But I recently found a post it note where he had written a dozen names of porn stars. I questioned him about it, and he told me it was from before we met. As odd as it was, without any evidence that he was lying, I believed him. Yet there was still that nagging feeling that something was going on. So, I checked the internet history on his phone…and there it was. He had been viewing porn practically every single day.
    Obviously I am hurt by this, but what really hurts is that I have shared with him that my previous marriage was destroyed by this very thing, and that it was one of the most painful times in my life. He told me that for him, it was purely a habit, he would just stop. I asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses and doesn’t believe that his habit is to that extent. I asked him to go to the doctor to have his T checked considering he seemed to have issues with getting aroused with me. To this he agreed, but in two months, has not done. We haven’t been intimate in over 3 months now, and I’m ready to walk away.
    Any advice?

    • I think your readiness to walk away indicates a wise choice for a healthy future for yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s not ready to take action and deal with his choices and behaviors. Until he’s able to do that, he’s going to continue to struggle. His lack of sexual ability or interest is certainly a huge warning sign of serious issues. Erectile dysfunction is a very common side effect of serious porn use.

      Your gut is right! Heed the gut!

  9. Thank you for your feedback Kay. I often wonder why we seek out advice on situations we know are not healthy for us, and why we tend to ignore our intuitions. I guess for myself, I just need some reassurance, even from a stranger, that what I’m feeling is valid. And my decision to leave and move on with my life isn’t selfish or in haste. I keep telling myself that he is a good, kind, considerate, loving, and sweet man…but the lack of action on his part to not only show me behavior consistent with remedying the issue, but the sheer inconsiderate nature of the bahavior that got us here is definitely to the contrary. Thank you for taking time to let me know that I have done all that I can. Hopefully he will get help, for himself and subsequent romantic relationships. But I can no longer wait for someone to do something about their issue. No one is perfect, but I deserve someone that will not only respect me without being provoked to do so.

    • Well, I think when we’re absorbed in an unhealthy relationship, we stop trusting God to guide us, and instead we get caught up in the other person’s mess. It’s kind of normal, really!

      It’s so sad! Of course you’d love for the relationship to work! But eventually we have to face the reality of free will. It’s not our job to control others. We can and should care about them, but we can’t control them. We can only make healthy choices for ourselves, and hope that they do the same.

  10. What do you do if you have been in a 5 yr marriage that has been sex less from the beginning?

    How do you explain to your spouse that your struggles come from the desire to be sexually exclusive with them?

    What if sex deathly terrifies your spouse to the point that you feel guilty for bringing it up at any pt?

    Just curious.

    • Great questions. I don’t know if it relates to the subject of this post directly, but it’s worth looking at.

      First, I recommend reading this article to start, “Will a Better Sex Life Keep Porn at Bay?” It takes a very balanced approach to the subject.

      Second, to fear sexuality is an unhealthy thing, whether you are married or unmarried. If I were speaking to this spouse, I would urge them to get to the bottom of this fear. As sexual creatures, we should not fear what our bodies are wired to do—that’s like being afraid of food or water.

  11. First of all I can say I am 21.. met my bf of 4 years when i was turning 18.. I am currently dealing with this sick dirty deed act.. I personally find it unjustifiable in any way.. viewing porn is cheating.. it’s lusting after someone you don’t even know.. but because they are naked.. and being provocative with this fake *persona of being someone perfect who is gaging for sex.. it’s just ridiculous.. now.. I have just currently had a baby.. to this guy and during my entire pregnancy I literally had to beg for imtimacy.. not just a cuddle but to be desired and physically loved.. so I knew something wasn’t right.. still I shook it off and left it. go. ( WRONG) now my feelings are eating me inside and out.. I needed more evidence.. before i’d have confronted him.. when my son was only..4 weeks old.. my fiance.. (would wait until i was asleep.. even though I offered to be imitate with him before i went to sleep.. he turned me down.. while i was asleep.. the baby was crying ( it was his turn for night feeds) I woke up.. to find he was not there.. I went down stairs secretly.. to find yes you guessed it.. ”getting himself off to pornography.. I lost all my baby weight almost instantly.. I had a very hard labour.. more then 24 hours which ended in a emergency c section.. but you guys would say ” oh.. it’s cause ur not confident.. ur tired.. you don’t do what they can do.. ” you expect such a false reality.. to feed ur sick mind without realising ur just damaging yourself and everyone around you.. I have threatened to leave because why should someone in a relationship need a stranger on a screen to sexually satisfy them when there partner is willing too.. I even tried to do things to bring a little more fun to the bedroom..but it’s not good enough..because the more you feed ur addiction of this filth the more you become less of a man.. and don’t give excuses like ”all men do it ” ”we have animal instincts” woman want sex too.. and cause are partners can’t controll themselves.. we suffer for it.. hell if you want someone on a screen and ur hand.. that’s ok..but you shouldn’t have both ur cake and eat it.. that’s selfish and ur undeserving of good faithful wives.. I never so much look at another guy with googley eyes let alone.. orgasm to one.. I have too much respect for my partner I care about his feelings obviously the feeling isn’t mutual and that’s what hurts. and having been here over 4 years.. I can honestly say no I don’t want to marry him.. and deal with this pure dirty deed daily..

    • Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through right now. This is such a tough situation, and so frustrating because all you can do is take responsibility for yourself, and hope that your partner will choose to do the same. I would encourage you to find support just for you, as you think about your boundaries and what is healthy for you going forward. Personal counseling can be helpful, and groups are a wonderful place to find others working through similar issues who can be supportive to you as well. Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, even Al Anon are all good places to look. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries, and here’s another one Ella wrote just recently. I hope those are helpful. Blessings, Kay

  12. From a philosophical standpoint, it is this very line of reasoning which supports the general argument that it is very wrong to exceed the posted speed limit while driving an automobile on the highway. Speed limits are “agreements” society has made and when we are granted our drivers licensees we agree to obey all traffic laws. Yet very, very, very few people ever drive the speed limit. I am one of the few persons on the highway who actually does drive the posted speed limit and I am the recipient of a tremendous amount of harrasement because of it. Just imagine always driving the speed limit, and what impact that has upon the other drivers around you. They pretty much hate you. Now it is known that speed kills. Furthermore, speeding is just one symptom of a general behaviour where drivers will do many unsafe things, be it following too close or pulling out too soon from a stop, that endanger their lives. So while porn may be the little secret we all keep to ourselves, speeding is the one thing that practically everyone does, mothers and fathers, grandparents and children, until a police car is seen…then everyone slows down. Now it’s pretty easy to raise the speed limit. As the vast majority of the voter base exceeds the speed limit, I really don’t know why we do not simply vote ourselves a higher speed limit. I’d like a speed limit of 120 mph in places. I drive a DeTomaso Pantera at times so I actually can drive very fast, but I choose not to because it’s against the law. It’s against the covenant. So my advice is before we move forward declaring how horrible it is to break one or the other covenants, we think just a little bit about how we drive and if as a society we need to face reality and either raise the speed limits to reflect how we truly behave or simply start doing the right thing. And then perhaps we will also begin to say, stop looking at porn. After all, it is all very similar behavior. It’s aways a matter of what we think we can get away with when no one is watching.

    • I have to say that the original speed limits were not 55mph. In fact, the roads were designed with much higher speed limits in mind. The 55mph came about during the gas crisis. when the gas crisis ended, speeds were not raised because of the revenue generated by them. so yes, speed kills. It kills at 20,30,40,50,60mph etc. going 40 in a 30 does not necessarily mean you have a higher chance of killing someone…in as much as going 5mph in a 20 means it is safer. If speed limits were designed to save lives, I would side with you. But it seems there are larger social and political factors that go into the speed than simply saving lives.

  13. So cheating on your wife with a prostitute and watching porn are one and the same? I beg to differ, watching porn while morally reprehensible does not risk your innocent partners life. Having sex with a HIV riddled prostitute will kill not only you but your wife leaving your children parentless! The outcomes of the two morally reprehensible activities are so divergent as to put them into different categories.

    • You might not see porn to be one and the same as being with a prostitute, but some people can become addicted to porn, Which in turn can lead to paying for sex with a live person to enact what they have seen. While, the person may tell the spouse they love them. Some of these people can not have actual sexual contact with their spouse. I know this because I married such a person. His inability to be physically affectionate with me made me question if he found me unattractive. It would not matter what I would do. It was not until I cleaned a spare room that I found a large amount of pornographic material (videos and pictures) that I knew there was an issue. I asked him about it and told him how it hurt me that he would rather gratify himself to the porn rather than have an actual intimate relationship with his wife. He removed the material and threw it out. (Which he later removed from the trash and took to another location.) A year later I had to use his laptop to assist him with his business, where I found a whole section of his computer dedicated to pornographic movies and pictures, ranking women that live our area and whom we both know on their attire, and scenarios he would like to play out with other women. I did not tell him I found this, instead I thought I would check out some of the sites he went to and get his logins and passwords. When I did this, I found he has paid for “escorts” and gone to “massage parlors” for some of his fantasies. So porn can lead to physical adultery. I tore me apart and every day currently is a struggle to fight to live. Even though he promised to get help and to work together on our marriage, his actions have been to the contrary.

    • You are thinking and getting off because of what that hot little number is doing in the video. So yes it is cheating you’re sexually looking at someone else then spouse.

  14. This article is a mistake right from point 2. You created a chain where every node is slightly different. You can add then another point 7: if you masturbate only thinking at porn you cheat. 8: if you just imagine other women’s breasts underneath her clothing. 9: have a sexual fantasy with an unknown woman. 10: be a men

    • The different between one scenario and the next is intentional, not a mistake. The point is that if movement from one point to another does not move from adulterous behavior to non-adulterous behavior, then the last point in the chain is adulterous in nature.

      I don’t think point 8 and following fits the scenario. Merely imagining something does not denote some kind of intention to engage with a digital prostitute.

  15. I was introduced to porn early in life & have been trying to steer clear of it but keep relapsing. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 yrs & I’m tired of hurting her. Due to issues that have happened in our childhood, my wife & I are intimate a couple times a yr if I’m lucky. I sincerely love my wife & while we’re still young I’d love to be able for us to share the passion two loving individuals are intended to share. All in all, I need help! Any advice to keep this demon called porn from rearing its ugly head again in my lifetime would be greatly appreciated…

    • Well, it sounds to me like you both need to address those childhood issues, for sure. I’d say you probably need to each get a good, individual therapist and work on those issues separately. You might want to look into a CSAT-certified therapist for yourself. Once you’re both in a place of recovery over those individual issues, it would probably then be time to work together with a good marriage and family therapist to learn how to be truly connected to each other emotionally.

      While you’re working on those issues, you can start educating yourselves about what makes a marriage successful. One of the best books I know about relationships/marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s interesting, but the research says that sex isn’t one of the things! It’s all about knowing each other, being able to work through issues, learning how to agree to disagree when you need to, and truly caring about the other person’s emotions. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about Gottman’s ideas on building trust.

      If you haven’t read Surfing for God, you might find that helpful as well.

      Blessings, Kay

  16. Feel the force, Luke. You really need to get over yourself. Like celibacy in the priest hood, fighting nature just doesn’t work; it ends up in child abuse. I suggest to subscribe to Porn Hub before you lose your mind.

    • Thanks for the Star Wars reference.

      Not sure what I need to “get over” about myself, but I’ll try.

      I’m also not sure what about this article (or any article I’ve written here) makes your think I’m asking people to fight nature. Can you be more clear?

    • You need to grow up in marriage u give up being shellfish if a wife was to fall in love with another man yes she is cheating just as a man watching porn to be aroused or to get off

  17. Doesn’t the act of masturbating with toys or while fantasizing still break that fundamental vow? I mean sexual exclusivity is broken in both of these cases. Your logic steps would imply this especially they toy part. Go through the steps using a dildo instead of porn, and a man making a mold of himself instead of recording the sex. Also would it be cheating if the masturbation was not to porn but lets say a lingerie website or Vogue for that matter. Oh and for the record I agree that porn is bad, demoralizing, etc. I just don’t think your logic works. Porn is bad simply because it reduces sexual attraction to real women (proven) and it takes your sexual desire from your partner.

  18. I didn’t know how to handle the pornography use (teen porn also) that I caught my spouse watching via cellphone. I asked him to leave. Out of hurt, sadness, anger, I told him that we may end up divorcing because of the nature of the mess he was looking up. I couldn’t sleep. I remember just telling him to leave and take his things, he said he wouldn’t need them. Hours go by, don’t hear from him– I was told to go look for him via his mother because he might hurt himself. :( well, I did, I found him not far from where we shared a place to live, in his Jeep, gun shot wound to his head. Did porn kill him? I was hurt, I didn’t want him to die. I’ve researched a lot about pornography use and I read that porn usage can sometimes cause people to hurt themselves when they’re caught. ? in this case teen pornography….

    • I am so, so sorry. I’m sorry he was so overcome by shame that he chose death. And I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re living with today. I can’t even imagine.

      I hope you know that your husband’s choices are NOT your fault. It’s okay to be angry. It’s good to have boundaries. Of course you didn’t want him to die!

      I think a lot of people who live with porn use have a lot of shame. Especially if they’re viewing porn that seriously violates their own ethics, like child and teen pornogrpahy. And the thing about shame is this. Shame is a liar. It tells us that we can’t ever be better. It says that what we’ve done is unforgiveable. It says that life is hopeless.

      None of these things are true! Even though they may feel so real in the moment, the truth is is: there IS healing. There IS hope. There IS a way forward out of the darkness.

      I’m so, so sorry that your husband couldn’t see his way out of the darkness and into the light.

      But I hope you’ll be able to cling to hope and find healing and peace, even in the midst of this terrible tragedy.

      I hope you’ve got a counselor who’s helping you through? Here’s a link if you need to find someone in your area.

      I’m praying for you today, Kay

  19. A pseudoscientific TradCon using postmodernist rhetoric and fallacies like false equivalence and slippery slope to “prove his point”.
    Men are wising up and leaving the plantation. No sophistry will stop that.
    Go team!.

  20. Thank you!! Your article saved my marriage!’ It opened my husband eyes and he is finally able to grasp what he’s been putting me thru. It enlighten both of us. I was at my breaking point after 13 years of coping with it. and all your articles put everything that i couldnt into perspective for him. Truly a blessing ?

    • Hi Ambra, I’m so glad the article helped! I hope your husband will be able to carry through on his good intentions to recovery. He might also want to read this article on recovery, and our free download, Your Brain on Porn. He may find that he needs help in the form of counseling and group support. Here’s a directory for Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, in case you need it. Generally we find it takes quite a while to truly recover, but it’s totally possible! Here’s our free download, Hope After Porn, where several wives share their stories of recovery. Let us know how it goes! Kay

  21. Husband has been performing on webcams, entering private chat rooms with many people. I discovered this by accident -he said he’s been trying to stop for years and did it for cheap thrills. I’m really struggling to understand how his personal chat, his conversations on Kik, Skype and email, his acts of printing out emailed pictures to add his contribution to, to email back to sender, could in his head be pixels, the blob of internet and not real people. He thought he was live streaming, but someone has recorded them and uploaded. I’ve now found loads of these videos and am shaken to the core. Tying in the messages, he is responding on the video to the messages sent. How can he have viewed this as the internet blob? Not people? i really don’t understand. Any links which could help me get into his head – I can’t kick him out as I can’t do that to our kids, but really stuck knowing where to turn.

    • Hey Sarah.

      It sounds like your husband has a very elaborate system of rationalization going on to help him avoid the truth about what he’s doing. It’s very common to have defense mechanisms like this, and he may actually believe what he’s telling himself about it. Here is a short animation on defense mechanisms, and here’s one on gaslighting.

      If he wants to repair the marriage, he needs to take responsibility for his recovery. Given his history, I would say that he needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). He could read our free download, Your Brain on Porn–it would help you to understand what’s going on in his brain, too.

      Whatever he decides, make sure you get support for yourself. Many times, women in situations like this will meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and establish healthy boundaries. A support group can be a huge help as well.

      Here and here are a couple of good articles on boundaries. Here’s a link to our best content for wives. I hope those resources help! Whatever he chooses, you choose good health and healing!

      Peace to you, Kay

  22. Do you suspect your spouse of cheating, are you being overly paranoid or seeing signs of infidelity…Then he sure is cheating: I was in that exact same position when I was referred to Bruno through my best friend Monique who helped me hack into my boyfriend’s phone, it was like a miracle when he helped me clone my boyfriend’s phone and I got first-hand information from his phone. Now I get all his incoming and outgoing text messages, emails, call logs, web browsing history, photos and videos, instant messengers(facebook,whatsapp,bbm,IG etc) , GPS locations, phone tap to get live transmissions on all phone conversations..if you need help contact him on hackerethique@gmail.com

  23. Mat 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
    Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
    While Jesus warned of the dangers of desiring things that don’t belong to you, He was by no means implying that looking at someone with desire was grounds for divorce as was the literal act of infidelity! While most of us are aware that little seeds after a process of time and work can turn into big plants, the literal act of adultery, or infidelity is not something that can be taken back or changed! In other words while a bullitt in a gun may be dangerous, it can be removed and destroyed, or stored in a safe place; but once you’ve pulled the trigger and the bullitt has left the gun, it is deadly and cannot be called back or altered! Think about it, many of us have had thoughts of hurting or maybe even killing someone in a time of anger or frustration, but is it the same as acting or following through on our desires? NO, as It would bad if that where the case. We had much rather someone think of hurting or killing us instead of actually following through with their thoughts, as is the same with many sins! We know that other countries have toyed with the idea of maybe using destructive bombs etc. on our country, but which is most harmful the thought or the action, which is easier to correct? I know what it’s like to have your spouse view porn, and I know what it’s like to love someone with all your heart and have them follow through with their desires of infidelity and There Is No Comparison! Trust me, when I say you will forget the times that they had an orgasm watching porn, but You Will Never Forget The Time or Times That You Found Out That They Where In Bed With Someone Else While You Where Taking Care Of The Children Or Other Responsibilities!

  24. It’s honestly amazing how there’s so many people who want to justify their actions because they’re so addicted to porn, instead of just admitting they’re in the wrong. Seems to me like lots of people have massive egos that are in need of a check.

    Porn is cheating, there’s no ifs or buts. Let’s say you go to work and a woman you work with hits on you or what ever ok, you’re not opposed to anything, then you go home and she sends you naked pictures of herself. You then proceed to stroke your chicken while wishing you were actually having intercourse with her. How the hell do you think that’ll make your partner feel is she found out? 99% of the time, the partner would be upset, obviously and it’s stupid to say otherwise, give me a break.

    You’re putting a ton of sexual attention and energy and even emotional attention into naked strangers. You’re looking at naked woman while touching yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s pictures or real life it’s the same thing and it’s cheating.

    I used to be a severe porn addict and I can tell you that porn makes you less of a man. It makes you weak and selfish.

  25. I am a little confused. In some ways yes it is cheating. But does that mean if a married man lusts by checking out a beautiful lady walking by…is that also cheating? Where do you draw the line of “cheating” when it comes to lust? This seems to be a very grey area. Theres also the argument of masturbating to porn as something healthy to a relationship because it helps blow off steam and in some ways a healthy way to deal with stress for men. That being said, what is your take on that?

    • Hi Dee – from a Biblical perspective, Jesus constantly points to the heart. In Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” As a married man, if in my heart, I’m allowing sexual desires to move from “a glance at a beautiful woman” to one more step of imagining any action (kissing, holding, etc) with that woman, then I’ve moved to lust. It’s emotional cheating. Is it as far down the path as physically cheating? Maybe not, but I think Jesus’ point is that it’s all the same path, and it’s best to not step on it at all.

      For your masturbation + porn question, the potent chemical cocktail that is released while watching porn, that is supercharged with orgasm with masturbation, is training the neurons in the brain to bond to the constant, unrealistic novelty on the screen, and start to see YOU as competition. It’s a damaging, dangerous path. Again, don’t step on it. My advice is to find another outlet.

      Chris
      Covenant Eyes

  26. When I first met my boyfriend I wasn’t sure it would go anywhere. A few weeks in I began messaging my ex. There wasn’t any sexual talk it was more of what if kinda chat. My bf found out and told me to make a choice, I chose picked him. Well fell for one another, moved in together, and a year and a half into our relationship we got pregnant. A few months after our daughter turned 2 (4 years into the relationship) he had a heart attack. Luckily he survived while he was in the hospital recovering he asked me to bring his phone. I’m still unsure why but I went into his phone and first I seen that he had been sending messages to several different women ( around 20 or more) these are woman he met off the internet sites like Craig’s list. ( he sent emails with vulgar language, pics, and worst of all a private video that he and I made together) And I found over a hundred women on a messenger he used. I called the hospital and said I wasn’t going to go, he denied all of it until I showed him what I found on his phone after I caved and went there. I was angry and very hurt but I stayed by his side while he got better. He tried lying by day it was only a few times but when I checked it dated back to shortly after I picked him. He was sending and receiving pictures from woman for 4 years. Even while I was pregnant. He wasn’t long out of the hospital when he started again. Of course that came with denial until I proved it. We parted ways for awhile. “Hun I have changed, I’ll never do it again all I want is you … Yada yada yada! ” this went on for 2 more years… Cheat – lie – break up – forgive me. We hit our 7 year anniversary he was telling me he was going to talk to a professional to get help.,, never happened. He did it again. I moved out and I was happy had a nice place for me and my daughter who I had half the time , I was getting a new lease on life. Then came the back together talk again. He swore again he would go talk to someone, he wouldn’t message other woman and use sex sites or apps, and if he ever felt any urge he would talk to me first. I had a miscarriage and wasn’t feeling sexual at all. And he slipped up again by watching porn. I told him it wasn’t ok and that not coming to me to talk about it is a lie. We worked things out again. Got pregnant with our second daughter. She is now 4 months old and my bf is up to his same old tricks again. He has never admitted to doing anything I haven’t been able to out right prove. He admitted today that he is ONLY watching porn. But he’s not he’s lying to me. I ended it a few hours ago and I just want to be done with it all. But like I said I just had a baby, I’m not working and I’m not on unemployment or welfare … My bf convinced me it should be a stay at home mom when my job closed down. Now I have 2 girls no income and no way out! Porn is cheating. And porn is a stepping stone I your partner is ok with it that’s one thing.

    • Kayla, I am so, so sorry. My heart just breaks for you and your girls. Love and prayers for you today, Kay

  27. I hesitate to write this but I feel I have to vent somewhere. I recently found out my husband was using hotel rooms to masturbate to porn. Initially, I found evidence of 4 visits which happened over the course of last year. He swore up and down he wasn’t cheating — he was only going after work for a couple of hours to release stress and feel better. This was extremely hurtful to me as I believed we had a healthy sexual relationship. We both work and have kids but were having sex around 3-4 times per week. After some digging, I found out that this hotel activity wasn’t just the past year — it had gone on for AT LEAST the last 10 years. About once a month (sometimes 2 times) but approximately 10-12 times a year, he was paying to stay at a hotel to masturbate. Even though this sounds completely implausible, I do believe him now. He swears he stopped by himself last year, but I’m still not so sure. A few times, I would catch him looking at something at home on his computer when I’d come downstairs at night. He’d always shut it up quickly and would say it was work related. I kind of knew it wasn’t, but I didn’t push too much. But now, with this lie revealed, I am struggling at how to deal with it. The trust has been broken. Even though I thought we had a strong marriage, it feels very fragile now.

    • Hi Denise. I’m so, so sorry.

      I think it’s unlikely that your husband has cold-turkey quit a habit that he was hiding for 10 years, without real help and real work. This behavior has obviously been filling important places in his life, and that doesn’t heal without serious intervention and hard work. I think he needs to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and get all his devices blocked and filtered. The trust IS broken. And the only way for it to be restored is for him to be trustworthy.

      While he does his work, you need to do yours. Many, many women in this situation will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And most of the time, I see a lot of energy being centered on getting the husband clean and sober (which is good, and needs to happen!) while the wife’s need for support and healing is neglected. The idea seems to be that if the husband quits porn and the marriage stays together, the wife will automatically be fine. This is NOT TRUE! Whatever your husband chooses, you choose healing and hope for you. Find a counselor just for you. Find a trauma-focused group, if you can. And please, check out Bloom for Women, a great online resource with groups, classes, and all kinds of resources for women.

      I also really love John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s the best marriage research on earth, and can help build a strong marriage even while recovering.

      Peace to you, Kay

  28. I’m in a similar situation with my fiancé it seems. I feel I can’t trust him as he has lied to me face to face several times about using porn. I moved in with him under very difficult circumstances at the end of last year, I found out after a few weeks that he’d been using porn to masturbate to while I was in the house with him. I knew he did this before I moved in and didn’t like it as it affected our sex life but he promised me on several occasions that he wasn’t doing it any more. I found evidence and after a bit of a confrontation he gave his laptop to me “to avoid temptation”. A few weeks later I discovered he was viewing some “adult” dvd’s he bought before we met. He gave them to me and since then our sex life improved, he was better able to get and maintain an erection. I was finally feeling like maybe I can begin to trust him again when I discovered last night that he’d ordered another dvd online (he only likes lesbian stuff, I’m not sure if that makes it worse or not!), not only that but he’d done it while he was at his mother’s last week for dinner, and the parcel was delivered to her house. She’s due round this weekend and I’m guessing she’ll try and bring it with her secretly. It seems the film is soft porn from what I can gather but I now feel betrayed all over again, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it didn’t affect us but it does in a big way, and I don’t know how I can trust him again.

    • Trust is something we give to trustworthy people. And the only way we can know if a person is trustworthy is by their trustworthy behavior over time. If a person persistently behaves in untrustworthy ways, it’s unwise to trust. That leaves us in a difficult position sometimes: will we trust ourselves and the knowledge we have, or will we ignore what we know and continue to allow ourselves to enter into situations with a person whose behavior is not trustworthy? It’s a tough call. Peace to you, Kay

  29. And here is why it might not be considered cheating:

    Your mistake starts here: “This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity” and the unanswered question what that means. For me that means, I am going to exclusively have sexual interactions with my wife. Now steps 1-3 include interactions (at least in describing what you want) and step 4 might include interaction if you tell her what to record, but steps 5 and 6… They don’t. So I can watch it and still remain the sexual exclusivity.

    The other problem is the “forsaken all others” part. As far as I found out in a quick research it originally meant to leave father and mother and join the new family… Even if you see it as “leaving everyone else behind” like the words intend there is no description in how to do it and it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look at a woman lustfully (if you want to argue like that you better quote Matthew 5:27-30 instead of some interchangeable vow out of the 16th century…)

    I am not saying it can’t be cheating, it’s all up to your personal agreements with your husband/wife and up to your personal believe. But this “logical proof” of porn being cheating has a few big flaws.

  30. For this comment, I’m going to assume that by using the word ‘cheating’ that we are really meaning adultery, not the feeling and the word that we use when we are in in school, where a boyfriend ‘cheated’ on you, because it’s not the same.

    If you actually read and understand the bible, it defines adultery as sexual relations between a married man and a woman other than his wife (Mark 10:11-12). We all know that sexual relations refers to a physical affair especially sexual intercourse. Therefore, adultery or cheating as we call it, only occurs when there has been physical sexual contact between a married man or woman to someone other than their spouse; Leviticus 20:10 states the following: “And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”.

    So it has to be a man and a woman, two people. Pornography, no matter how disgusting, is a one man/woman show. There are no other people involved. I don’t image many people who watch pornography, ever meet any of these women and have sexual relations with them. Therefore, it can not be called adultery, according to the bible. And yes, the bible says “You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) But it says he commits adultery in his heart. It does not say that he has had physical, sexual relations with the woman.

    So why do Christians think that pornography is cheating and they should be free to divorce their spouse? If that were so, then every married man or woman who has ever looked upon someone, other than their spouse, with lust, has committed adultery and therefore can be divorced according to scripture. It is not so. Also, the bible says, “Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” (1 John 3:15). So by the previous logic, if someone hates their brother, then should we throw them in jail because they are a murderer? Of course we don’t and of course they aren’t.

  31. Your view is a little extreme, yet I respect it. Some guys (like myself) are stuck in sexless marriages, where they end up resenting their marriage vows. Talking about sex (or the mundane state of it) causes the wife to cringe and make her complain “that she is not my prostitute”. What other outlet does a guy have if he is constantly shouted down or met with resentment when wanting to discuss sex and not seek an extramarital affair or go nuts?I do not indulge in exploitative or violent pornography and most actresses enter into the business of their free will. My wife has claims that porn has given me “unrealistic expectations” when it comes to the bedroom. It seems my unrealistic expectations are a) she might smile and enjoy sex with her husband and b) a plumber will turn up on time. Hasn’t she committed something as bad as “cheating” by choosing celibacy for her husband where she has no right to do so without consequences?

    • Just happened upon your comment, and I’d like to say:
      I think that’s such a terrible thing to be enduring and I admire you for sticking to just porn when many other men wouldn’t. I’m not promiscuous, but I’ve never had any qualms about making love – and experimenting – in the bedroom with a man I love; so it baffles me as to how other women can be so conservative, maybe outside of a marriage, but with their husbands? To me, to love someone means to want to make them happy. Monogamy is exclusivity to one person, not absolving from sex all together, I think she’s being wildly unfair and unkind to you; but I doubt she’s conscious of it.
      Also, I don’t believe that ‘unrealistic expectations’ come from porn. If a person has a strange kink, they’re simply into it, porn only inspires people who already have underlying dispositions. I could watch skat for years and still not be interested in it. It may be more impressionable to young or vulnerable people, but apart from that, not.
      I wouldn’t say it was as blameworthy as cheating, but certainly bad, and enough to justify you watching porn by far.
      Have you tried telling her how you feel? And explaining to her that prostitutes are not the same as a woman having sex with her husband, it is why we have romantic feelings in the first place, to urge us to pro-create (Cough, cough, do the dirty), and that sex is an integral aspect to marriage, it can even be annulled, invalidated, if a couple have never slept together, that’s how important it is.

  32. I don’t think it can be said that breaking marriage vows and cheating are one and the same. Relationships can exist before marriage; and wedding oaths cover a variety of things, they are terms of a contract and don’t seek to define what is and isn’t cheating.

    With your rationale, any person who has intercourse outside of their relationship, provided they aren’t married, cannot be cheating as they haven’t broken a vow. Therefore, watching porn may be breaking oath, but that is all.

    Cheating is a much more individual and malleable term that is up to the specific couple to decide. Using porn may be cheating if a couple decide that it is, in the same way, if a couple agree on an open relationship, having sex with other people would not be cheating; regardless of whether I personally agree with it.

    To me, as a broad statement: I don’t consider using porn as cheating. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule: I wouldn’t want my significant other paying to subscribe to a specific woman’s videos, or paying for porn in general. There needs to be a level of ‘interaction.’; a typical porn user is watching it to get off, there is no interaction between them and the pornstar; interaction can be anything from physically touching, to passing of money with no other communication. They’ve in some way reached out to that person, which goes beyond the boundary of what is acceptable.

    Simply watching porn is different but equally as ‘blameworthy’ as reading a romance book, watching a romcom or having a celeb crush. In one instance we have no interaction but lust, and in the other there is no interaction but romantic feelings.

    However that is just my personal stance on things, what constitutes as cheating is for two people to decide amongst themselves; so if you consider it cheating I understand.

  33. I totally consider it cheating as I write this with tears weeping down my face and a man yelling at me how I’m overreacting the point is he is imagining of that other woman who is me and getting off. Months ago he told me I could watch porn it’s bad and asked if I imagine then I told him no I imagine him and he said then I shouldn’t need that and that was enough their for to not do it again cause I know it hurt him and was morally wrong my sexual desire is me helping him.

  34. As a woman in a loving committed relationship, this is complete bull***.
    Hell, as a person who simply prefers that if you’re going to take the time to write an article on some opinion of yours that you also take the time to thoughtfully construct a compelling argument grounded in logic, this is bull***.

    If I pull out a gun and shoot you in the face I’ve violently murdered you and committed a crime, right?
    (Insert list of increasingly irrelevant scenarios that use quirky, forced wording that vaguely link each successive bullet point).
    So, if I watch a violent movie where someone of your same gender and kind of has similar physical appearance as you dies and I give that movie a decent review online, I’ve basically committed a violent crime against you as horrible as carrying out a desire and intent to murder you.
    You can clearly see that the first and last situations are literally the same thing because I can use the same words to describe them, such as “violent”, “crime”, and “murder”. It is an infallible fact that both are murder and criminal.

    Not convinced because you can see how large of a leap I had to make between the two? In fact, such a large leap that I myself have to stop and acknowledge it myself?

    We’ll be reassured by me giving a vague and easily interchangeable metaphor about intent when in regards to workplace issues of legality, because I’ll just either ignore or spontaneously forget the root of your skepticism that I just acknowledged, that being that my reasoning given thus far is weak, flimsy, and based on word games and jumping to far off, illogical conclusions that are, at best, my personal opinions. I mean, if I were a janitor and I mopped the floor and I put a wet floor sign down at the opposite side of the hall, but my boss doesn’t bother looking around enough to see it or communicating with me who is right next to them and just assumes the floor should be dry and he/she slips and hurts themselves, was my intention good? Sure, but not really because you should have known your boss walks through that particular hall at roughly that time and also your boss technically could fire you despite apparently never informing you of the expected protocols you broke in order to be fired.

    ^This isn’t a list of reasons that prove your opinion as fact, it’s a laughable attempt to push your opinion, although all give you credit for the skilled bullshitting.

    I’ve had a partner who did cheat and for me personally, it was the personal connection with the person he cheated with that was the issue, not that I needed to own his body or sexuality exclusively. That same partner did try to own my sexuality and my body exclusively and it was not right, loving, or healthy in any way. My personality naturally lends to being the master of my own sexuality, for me exuding the charm and a sauve demeanor that makes up a key component of my personality sometimes comes across as flirtatious or seductive and many people find me attractive, not to be conceited. I’m also unapologetically proud of my body that I work hard to maintain, I wear form flattering clothing and in the summer I wear shorts and bikinis and while I blush and walk on when my physique is complimented by the abrupt cat-call on the street, I don’t take offense to the attention this gets me. My ex did not like this, insisted I didn’t wear shorts or summer dresses, not even around the house, and that I not talk to men or women who complimented me too much without him there and, even then, was limited on how much interaction I could have. If I did not abide and suppress my very nature, he would become violently jealous and possessive. I hated being repressed for perceived possibilities of indiscretions that I had no intention of happening, much like a woman repressing a man natural urge to masturbate to porn because it’s the precived notion that he’s imagining having sex with that porn actress or “digital prostitute”, as it’s so ignorantly put in this article. Watching porn isn’t about getting the image of a woman to imagine having sex with, it’s watching a sex act that is completely disembodied from yourself and your life. I myself watch porn and so does my current partner, sometimes we watch together, some times we use it as a tool to lovingly explore what kind of experiences we’d like to try with each other. I never imagine myself having sex with those men and women and, to the best of my knowledge, neither does my significant other; it’s about the act or experience the people were watching are having.
    But regardless, feel free to shove you’re pseudoscience and your misdirection word games and your inability to discern fact from opinion and shove it up your a**.

    • Well, you have certainly offered your opinion! Each of us is entitled to do that. If you disagree with our content, then I simply invite you to head to another website that mirrors your sexual ethics. Pesudoscience and misdirection? We think it’s difficult to ignore a growing line of non-religious people who agree that a porn-free life is just a better life. http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/; https://addictedtointernetporn.com/?author=1; http://www.rebootnation.org;

      Please ask your significant other about what the porn does to his thought life. Maybe he’s stronger than I was, mentally, because those experiences stuck to me. Super hard to forget.

      I wish you well, Chris

  35. What constitutes cheating is determined by the consenting adults involved in the relationship (however many that may be) and is no business of yours.

  36. This article on “Is porn cheating”? as Boobleep above me says, is so full of “pseudoscience and misdirection and word games and its inability to discern fact from opinion’………………end quote, that it staggers me that an Organization as “Covenant eyes? can even exist at all and call itself “honest”

    Not 1 verse from scripture is used to justify it’s retarded, puritanical outlook on sexuality, and there is a reason for that……It can’t be substantiated from scripture!

    This is why no verses from scripture are given, instead, just a man’s opinions, and also why it uses the secular word “cheating” instead of the biblical word ADULTERY….They have to use the word cheating in order to propagate their anti-sexual agenda, as the word ADULTERY as defined by the BIBLE is far too narrow, to allow them to get away with this garbage they are trying to teach here

    As the comment section has aptly proved by others in here, the whole foundation of this thread is absolute garbage, and pseudoscience bunk…..we’ve also had clear concise proof from the Greek words ἐπιθυμέω, μοιχεύω that Luke Gilkerson and Covenant Eyes have no idea what they’re talking about, and that they are in clear violation of the word of God for the sin of adding to scripture

    Covenant eyes have no comprehension of what the word lust means, and how it is related to “COVET”, and why you cannot divorce the act from intention as they try to do….To accuse others of “cheating” for merely fantasizing about sex with someone else, especially when that person has no intention of committing the act, is an egregious sin that deserves God’s full approbation and wrath

    As a Christian I am disgusted at this article and Covenant eyes for being purveyors of a guilt laden, pseudoscience, anti-sexual, puritanical bunch of garbage designed to attack sexuality, and in particular male sexuality under the guise of “pure Christianity”

    I dare the administrators of Covenant eyes to not delete my comment because I want others who come to your web site to read my comment and be warned at how sinful this place really is

    • Thank you for your comment. I don’t mind accepting it at all. Also, your position is a clear lowering of the bar. I think the pharisees and Jewish leaders of Jesus’ time would greatly appreciate your proof texting, your narrow view of lust, and the necessity to link lust with action in order to arrive at something that is despicable in the eyes of a Holy God. From what I can tell from the overall narrative of the Gospels, Jesus made it a common practice to RAISE the bar, detatch action from intention, and say, “hey, look at the heart. What’s really going on in there? If I dig into your heart, you are lusting after that woman, and that’s wrong. Knock it off.” [broad paraphrase of Matthew 5:28] Adding a bit of personal attack toward Luke doesn’t help convince anyone of your position. But, from reading your comments on other blogs and on YouTube (same username), it’s clear that you’re not interested in constructive debate or dialogue. You use the phrase “as a Christian” – I think many of the faithful would find your approach unsettling.

      Chris

  37. I’m seriously shocked by comments. This is rediculous! So much talk of shame, sin, immorality…

    Unfortunately this seems to be what religion does though (closes eyes to inconvenient truths). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people pursuing their own paths, beliefs, religious views, etc. But all I see here is a bunch of insecure people freaking out about something that should be considered nothing more than a tool to satisfy our more primal needs. Cause let’s get one thing straight. Sex is primal. Primal will always beat out higher thinking or make you miserable fighting it.

    My spouse and I are in a committed, monogamous relationship (some may say it’s non-monogamous after reading, but we are 100% sexually exclusive) and work very different shifts (her, 7am to 3pm, me 9am to 9pm). We don’t get to spend a lot of time together which often means gaps in our sex life. Both her and I watch porn relatively regularly and it has 0 negative effect on us.

    She uses it when I’m not around, I use it when she’s not around. It helps both of us deal with our desires when the other is not around. There’s less risk of us cheating, and we’re both less stressed not having to worry about whether we are able to fully satisfy one another whenever myself or she needs it. Saying porn is cheating because there’s a real person on the other end doesn’t cover porn very well either. Would cartoon porn not be cheating because it’s not a real person?

    I just don’t get it. A relationship is built on trust, right? Trust that your spouse isn’t screwing someone on the side. Trust that they aren’t flirting at work. Trust that they aren’t messaging someone online. I can tell you one thing for sure. If we can’t have sex for a week because of our schedules, I would sure as hell have her look at porn before I’d have her text a coworker.

    At the end of the day, people have needs. There’s too much happening in daily life for us to 100% satisfy all of them all the time. Another way to look at it is, sure, he/she on screen is a good looking person, but I don’t know them. I don’t care about them. They have their own lives and honestly, they’re probably pretty shallow people considering they’re in porn. I may enjoy looking st a nice set of boobs, or a great butt, or in my spouses case, a ripped back and nice muscles, but neither of us actually want that. We want each other. We know that and we trust each other. Everyone here who gets butthurt when their spouse looks at porn needs to stop being so selfish and realize that people aren’t doing that to look for an affair. They’re doing it because they don’t want to have an affair, they just wanna yank it and get on with their lives.

    Also, heaven and hell are myths, as is god, as is the Holy Spirit. Anyone who makes the argument that it’s a sin and so is wrong, is wrong.

  38. Have been with my husband 18 years. I have been watching porn about the same amount of time. Watching porn does not lead to actual physical cheating. My husband does not watch porn and it’s very rare that I can convince him to watch with me. But he has never and he should never feel like I’m cheating because I watch porn. The only thing porn does is get me very turned on and then we have amazing mind blowing sex. So no I don’t cheat on my husband because I watch porn every day.

  39. Thank you… It’s weird to me the rationalizing and justifying by several men on this comment thread. Look.. Call it what you want.. Cheating, adultery or just getting off to porn., But.. No matter how you look at it, You’re messing around. If you are looking at explicit sexual images on a screen for your own personal sexual gratification, apart from your mate, you are messing around. No need to dissect this article. It’s obvious that it’s infidelity because this extra marital sexual encounter lacks monogamy. You are either sexually monogamous with your mate or you’re not.

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