9 thoughts on “Destroying Porn Addiction Starts with Destroying Shame

  1. How can we find a Christian sex/porn addiction therapist/ counselor? My husband is finally admitting HD is addlicted and needs help, but we don’t know where to turn. We need someone with a strong biblical perspectiveas well as knowledgeable in the chemical side of the addiction. My husband has gone 1 month without porn, but is having serious withdrawal symptoms (can’t sleep, can’t concentrate, feels hopeless, feels like he’ll never be happy without his fix, horrible headache… etc etc. ) He has been calling out to God and praying like he has never done before, as well as leading us in family Bible reading each evening this last month. But we both need some hope and guidance!

    • Hey, great question! Kudos to you guys for recognizing the chemical side of this. It’s real! When you’re looking for a counselor, it’s not always easy to find that exact person. I’d say you’ll need to do some phone interviews. I’d start with the American Association of Christian Counselors directory. Get a list of people in your area, look them up online if you can, narrow it down to the ones who seem likely to fit what you need, then start calling. Groups are another great place to look for support, in conjunction with a counselor. Different groups work for different people, but google Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, and Sex Addicts Anonymous. See what’s in your area. Maybe there are churches in your area that offer support or recovery groups under different names. Online, there are support groups at XXX Church. I’d say too that it sounds to me like exercise could be a big help to your husband at this point, while his body chemistry is re-setting. Serious, hard-core exercise like distance biking or Cross Fit can really make a positive difference. And I wouldn’t overlook a visit to the doctor at this point, either, just to make sure everything is okay physically. (I’m a counselor, and I always want my clients to go to the doctor just to make sure they aren’t pushing more boulders than necessary uphill all at once!) Let me know if that helps at all, or if you need more ideas. Blessings, Kay

    • I’m not a counselor; I’m just a guy in a similar situation as your husband fighting to end an addition of approximately 15 years. I’ve been or are going though the things you mentioned. We don’t have the money for professional counseling, but I will share what has been working wonderfully for me.

      1) If you have not already, forgive your husband. I don’t know what I’d do without the loving support and forgiveness of my wife. I want to succeed all the more because I know the hurt I caused her, yet she gave me remarkable Christ-like forgiveness when I confessed my sins to her. If he hasn’t already (don’t make him), have him seek your forgiveness for lust, adultery and covetousness (there’s probably more, but that’s what came to my mind when I sought her forgiveness).
      2) Have him take the Covenant Eyes 4-Day Challenge. I cannot recommend that enough. That has been a huge help to me!
      3) I meet with my pastor weekly. He has been a tremendous blessing in helping me in the fight.
      4) I signed up for Covenant Eyes. Both my wife and one of our elders at church serve as my accountability partners.
      5) Memorize scriptures that relates to sexual sin. My favorite right now is Romans 13:14, but there are many others.
      6) I put reminders on my phone as suggested by the challenge. Throughout the day Scripture reminders pop up on my phone. I also wrote a goal of who I want to be which daily pops up on my phone. My goal is to be the godly husband and father God has called me to be. Of course, he can make whatever goal he wants, but remind himself who he wants to be.
      7) My wife and I are really working on intimacy. We go for walks, talk without the kids, embrace, share and pray together. That has been a huge help. One thing no porn star can deliver is true love and intimacy.
      8) I told my wife every trigger and trick I could think of. She knows all. I held nothing back. That was a huge help. I have frequent migraines, and those were triggers because I used porn to “medicate” the pain. We now have a plan for when I wake with a migraine.
      9) Do not blame yourself for what he did! Hopefully he doesn’t. This is important if you are to be helpful to him. When my wife is tempted to blame herself, I remind her I was drawn away of my own lust (it’s in James, I forget where). Now that you aren’t blaming yourself, you can help when he honestly shares his temptation. It is not you!!! My wife has been a huge help until she slips into that thinking. Once I came home to an empty house which is usually a train wreck waiting to happen. I texted my wife, and asked her to loving check on me when she returned. The temptation was greatly reduced. She couldn’t have done that if she were in a state of blaming herself.
      10) Is sex an idol for him? I realized it was for me. I confessed that to God. That was a huge step in reducing temptation.
      11) One of the challenge lessons teaches how sex was designed for me to give my wife (God’s daughter) great pleasure. That was huge for me. I saw sex as something for me to get. Instead I now see sex as something to give my wonderful wife. Worrying less about what I’m getting as been a huge help to me.
      12) I have increased my exercise routine. I already had one, but I have intensified it. Takes up some of that empty time I had.
      13) I have had the same sleep issue presumably because I “rewarded” getting up at night to view porn. I found 8 hours of relaxing nature sounds on youtube.com. That has helped some. Snuggling with my wife before bed has helped some. Lavender oil is supposedly relaxing, so I apply that. I think it is helping. I have noticed that time is healing poor slept habits. By not “rewarding” wake periods during the night, I’m slowly, ever so slowly, sleeping better.
      14) Texting my pastor, wife and accountability partner when I’m feeling tempted has been a huge help. I will say something like, “Ask me tomorrow if I was victorious.” Put the request in a positive light. I don’t have them ask if I failed. Success is the assumption, and they’re just check on that so they can rejoice with me.
      15) Battle one day at a time. Countless times I said, “Never again.” I failed each time. Now I say, “Not today,” or “Not this hour,” or even “Not now.” Never is overwhelming to thinking about, but I can by God’s grace win today. I can win this hour. Like the Children of Israel in the wilderness trusting God for today’s manna. Just commit to victory today. When tomorrow comes, make the same commitment.

      There are probably more things I could think of. Most of these ideas come from the Covenant Eyes 40-Day Challenge, so they aren’t original to me. I cannot stress how helpful that has been.

      Pray your husband finds victory.

    • I forgot to include probably the biggest single thing that is helping me through each day. Have your husband find the root cause of looking at porn. It may not be the over simplistic, “Men are visually excited and porn caters to that.” Sure, that is a factor, but there probably is a deeper issue. It will probably be different for him, but I will share my root causes for illustration.

      The biggest cause for me was anger at God. In obedience to God I waited until I got married to have sex. My wife and I have vastly different libidos. I became angry at God because I had been obedient and waited, yet the wife He provided had nowhere near the interest I had. So many times I went to view porn saying, “God, if you can’t provide sex your way, then I’ll take care of it myself.” I am fighting that issue with thanksgiving. I thank God every day now for my wonderful wife. Dealing with this issue alone has slashed temptation.

      The next root cause I identified was idolatry. Sex was an idol for me. It is so easy to think of idols as stone or wooden figures some primitive jungle people worship. An idol is anything that comes before my relationship with God. Pursuing sex, even the pure married kind, before God is idolatry. Again, dealing with this dragon has dramatically reduced temptation.

      I hope that helps!

  2. Hi C,

    I am not a counselor but a husband who has recently left the chains of porn. When I was first was discovered I didn’t know where to turn and my desire was to “fix” things at any cost. I can’t tell you how to find a counselor since we are yet to find one mainly due to the expensive costs and conflicting schedules of having one however I want to share some of the things that we did and are doing as a couple which have helped.

    1. Read – We are readers by nature so this was not hard to introduce to our lives but reading books that deal with our issues helped.
    2. I started attending an open share group right away, I have skipped a few meetings but it helps you get connected. I personally don’t like the fact that you don’t get any feedback on an open share group but it helps to be open with what you are dealing with.
    3. Pray together – You say your husband is doing so already.
    4. We bought the Covenant Eyes software and we are currently using it, my wife gets my reports so this helps me stay in check.
    5. Patience – This is the hardest for me, specially around the physical element but we are working through it.

    I too, desire there was an easier way to find inexpensive counselors but I understand to some of them it is their job and they have to pay their bills. However some times we just need to hear confirmation that what we are doing is right or wrong.

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