About the author, Kay Bruner

Kay Bruner has been married to Andy for over 25 years. For 20 of those years she served with him at Wycliffe Bible Translators, working in the Solomon Islands preparing a New Testament translation into the Arosi language. They have four children and two poodly rescue dogs. They live in the Dallas area where Andy works for SIL International, Wycliffe’s sister organization. Kay is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Rapha Christian Counseling. She is the author of As Soon As I Fell: A Memoir. You can read more of her articles at kaybruner.com.

View all posts by Kay Bruner →

Hope After Porn

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

58 thoughts on “When Your Boyfriend Struggles with Porn

  1. Hi. My internet settings at home are blocked and I cannot download this material. Is there another way for me to gain access to it? Thanks for such great resources! You have blessed my life and my husband’s greatly.

    • What material are you referring to? You left a comment on this post, so I assume you have access to the article itself, correct? What were you hoping to download?

  2. If your boyfriend uses porn, you should end the relationship. If he’s struggling when he’s still trying to win you over, imagine how it will be once he knows he’s got you married to him. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t sold out completely to Christ. I’m not saying someone who had NEVER used porn in his past, but you shouldn’t be with someone who has it as a part of his present at all. Most pornography is violent and abusive and it is all disrespectful. He can say he loves you all he wants, but his actions say otherwise. He lacks basic respect for women and for humans in general. Many women are naive as to what actually takes place in the majority of porn. It is abusive and extreme. It’s not like a woman dancing around in a bikini or something. Believe me, if you’re dating and haven’t yet married him, it is not worth it. Don’t take on this burden. It will only drag you down. I have been there. The heartache is NOT WORTH IT. God finally gave me a man who cries his eyes out for what happens to women in pornography and who is involved in the fight against human trafficking. Hold out for God’s best and don’t settle for a mediocre life of heartache and playing babysitter to an adult man.

    • I can’t believe the judgmental attitude you have here when you don’t know the whole story. Just because he has this struggle doesn’t mean he’s incapable of one day gaining victory over it. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect women and humans. Just me, it takes an awful lot of courage to come out to someone about this kind of a personal habit and to seek help for it. It sounds like he’s taking the necessary steps to gain victory over this habit and he’s doing it out of his love for God and his girlfriend.

    • Melissa, what are your struggles? Because it sounds to me and everyone reading your post that you don’t have any…

    • How very “Christian” (forgiving, tolerant, understanding, loving) of you to say that, and people wonder why attendance in churches are so low/! Obviously it’s not like the guy wants to have it and is trying to improve the situation, and people like you who are judgmental make it that much worse and more difficult to get help. Try seeing it from someone else’s point of view for a change.

    • Wow. There’s not much grace in your comment at all. I urge you to reconsider your concept of what constitutes a “sold out completely to Christ” person. Do you fit this bill?
      From where I sit, either you have the 1.5% mentioned (which is possible), or your husband is 60, or you’re disillusioned.
      Please think of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh”; Consider your own humility. Also think about communicating more “gracious, seasoned with salt”(Col 4:6)

    • From a guy’s perspective – I think this article is right-on. Just to give you some background, I am 24, a born-again christian, new father, and recently engaged to my fiance of which we have been together for 6 years. I have had an on and off porn struggle in recent and past years starting before I met my now fiance, but also the porn addiction continued at times throughout our realtionship. As you can imagine, it caused a lot of tension and trust issues throughout our relationship and in some ways, there is still some mistrust and hurt from the past from the porn damage in our relationship. I think being honest was the turnaround piece and sucess in our relationship which enabled me to come clean and continue to trust God to help me and her move forward from the pain I had caused. I immediately seeked help when everything hit the fan and a big part of what I had been hiding from her was revealed. Isn’t it great to know that since I belong to God, he exposes all of my wrong doing to those who I have hurt – I mean that honestly. The holy spirit living within me keeps me so accountable for my actions and my thoughts and sometimes being exposed is such a humbling experience for a christian. I also had an amazing opportunity to go to an Every Man’s Battle conference sponsored by New Life Ministries in Washington DC last summer. I recommend this to any guy (Christian or not) who has a porn/sexual related addiction. There is a substantial cost assoiated with the confernece, BUT it really is worth it – it changed my whole outlook on sex and pornography. I also had my dad with me who went in support of my help which I think was so helpful as well – it was so awesome of him to support me and if you asked him, I know he learned a lot from going to the confernece. Just as a side note – there is one thing about the confence that the world needs to know no matter who you are… everyone has struggThe conference featured great speakers, aweosme accountability and really an eye-opening experience for guys like me who either never really understood the root causes or sexual addiction, or who were told to go otherwise there would be some family readjustments in the future… it opened my eyes to the damage that sexual addiction causes and gave me so much hope to change by the grace of God. One thing that I learned from the conference is that men are like women in the fact that they have ways of dealing with emotion and stressful situations that life brings us. Men are expected to just be tough and to not show that they are struggling with things – we are fixers and doers… that mentality is WRONG and goes against what goes on inside most of us men. We are human beings who have real struggles like all people do and the way that we deal with stress, nelgect, past trauma in our life can affect how we live our lives. (i.e. looking at porn to relieve stress, being tempted to have sex with our significant other, etc…) it goes hand in hand. IM NOT SAYING THIS IS JUSTIFIED, because in God’s eyes it absolutely is not, but that men, and especially society need to realize that there is a root cause to our actions. It is through God and his word that we are able to act accountable to him and that is what is the driving factor to recovery. It goes beyond that though – accountability parterns should be in place, internet filtering/monitoring on software should be installed on computers and smartphones/tablets, constant open communication and honesty to the significant other and from them to you should be happening, isolation should be minimized as this usually leads to temptation. I noticed that I was more vulnerable for Satan’s attack when I didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything – that lead me to fullfill my own desires which usually wasn’t a good thing. Overall, it is not an easy road to recovery and I still get tempted to delve back into my old habits and ways, but that is going to happen for the rest of my life. Knowing that I have accountability in all aspects of my life is how I am able to be successful and thank the Lord I have him to lean on when I feel discouraged or have no one to turn to. I am still working with my fiance to build our trust together and hopefully get married in the future and raise our son together. My gave me a visual picture which is so powerful to me – if my relationship with my fiance is a triangle and I am on one end, she is on the other and God is at top of the triangle, that eventually with time and as we build closer toward each other, that we also build closer in our relationship with God with him at the top and center. I am thankful for my fiance for being faithful and patient with me, for my dad for his love and support, and for my family. I also know that through God’s grace and mercy that I am healed and I hope I can one day help other Christian men who are struggling. In conclusion, here is a helpful quote that I use as a daily reminder of hope. I stole this from Tim Tebow, “I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds it” and that is all that I need to get me through whatever I am going through in life.

    • I really appreciate your post Mellissa!! As a wife who has been on the receiving end over 25 years !! I agree ! Where is the compassion for the pain the loyal christian spouse must endure ??

    • This is pretty harsh. As she stated in the article, 98.5% of men have had to deal with this. Since I was 5 years old I’ve been exposed. My dad watched porn all the time and went to strip clubs. I’ve had my ups and downs, but to say you should end the relationship is a ridiculous notion. I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 3 years. When we first were together, we made love all the time, but her parents found out and we had to change our relationship to honor God’s word. For me, this was especially tough. I love her with all my heart, which only makes it harder for me. I had a relapse. I didn’t want to tempt her into sin, so I’ve tried easing my urges. I would lay down my life for my girlfriend and do any and everything for her.

      When women say things like you just did, all that makes men want to do is hide it. I was debating on telling her and now I’m not sure I can. I love her with all my heart. I’m in tears as I write this because I’m so disappointed in myself and I don’t want to hurt her. There’s a reason only 1.5% of men are lucky enough not to deal with this issue. Something as easy as a like on am instagram photo of a women dressed provocatively could be a trigger. To attack the person is very harsh. I hate to give advise because I don’t know the man, but the fact that he was open and up front with her about can not be over looked. He obviously to do it, but little moments can take over and leave us men discouraged. The last thing we need is to be attacked.

    • To the above comment. Some men struggle with pornography because somewhere in the childhood they were molested , and or a generational curse of incest or molestation took place in the family line. Once a person is saved, yes they are sealed with the Holy spirit of promise, but salvation (unless we give it back), is a one time thing. The healing and deliverance from generational curses however is about sanctification, the daily transformation of becoming more and more like Jesus. Some things don’t change over night and can only come out with prayer and fasting. I want to caution you about your comment above because it was very condemning. It’s about an issue that may on the surface, look just like that, something on the surface. When it it really something deeper or a deeper rooted issue (molestation, generational curses, rejection, etc) and the pornography is the bad fruit growing on the tree. To say that this man does not respect woman, and is not sold out to christ, along with the other comments you made is in error. If the young man was not sold out to christ, and did not respect women, He would not have told his girlfriend whom he loves. He could have hid it from her. Love is very powerful and covers a multitude of sins. Jesus loved us, even when we were still sinners. Thank God for grace. But grace is not to be used as a reason to keep on sinning and doing what we want. Im sick of the hypergrace message. Grace is the power that is supposed to help us overcome sin, because where sin abounds grace abounds more. It reminds us that God loved us for who we were when we came to Him, but it also reminds us that He doesn’t want to leave us where we were. I encourage this young man, and exhort him for being open about his weakness and his sin. In being open about his weakness he is saying, “God I can’t do this without you. Be my strength.” James 5:16 “confess your faults one to another, and pray for one for another, that ye may be healed.” So I urge the young lady above- pray, fast and love him through it. IF you choose to. No, it wont be easy or overnight, but his healing and complete deliverance will come. Isaiah 58, the fast that GOD CHOSE, 1) Loosens the bonds of wickedness 2) Undo the heavy burdens 3)let’s the oppressed go free 3)breaks every yoke- well, that seems like allot of work perhaps for this guy’s issue and their not married yet. I got news for you, when you’re married you’LL have to continue to live a lifestyle of prayer and fasting for your future husband and your children. I end my comment here and I urge my fellow brother and sisters to check their own spiritual barometer first, comparing themselves to Jesus and not man. Take the Holy Spirit Sheriff’s badge off. Your comments could damage the soul of the one God is working to heal.

    • Thanks Melissa. I’m a 55 year old husband and father of 3 boys and 4 girls. I have struggled all my life. And I would give the same advice to my girls. And expect the same zero tolerance from my wife. God does not wink at sin. Jesus expectation is “Go and sin no more” Romans 7 is not the normal Christian life. Where is the hope of the gospel? It is Romans 8:4, not Romans 7:24 !!! As a sold out Christian we should never accept a Romans7 life, for my self especially.

    • If only you actually knew the struggle.. It’s people like you that make people with problems hide their feeling about this.

    • My boyfriend of two years just opened up about his porn addiction im freaking out. I dont know how to help or what to do. We used to watch the tv show shameless and it has alot of sex scenes in it and it makes me uncomfortable now is it not good if he watches it while trying to recover. Please help I am so lost. I don’t know what to do I want to help but don’t know how. And i dont want to leave but i dont know what to do. Please help

    • Hi, Victoria – such a tough situation. My first words are ones to tell you that it must feel like a bomb has been dropped on your relationship. My second words are to tell you that it sounds like there are some things to be hopeful for here.

      First, your boyfriend opened up, which is great. This could mean that he really does want to figure this out and find help. He can turn to any number of blog posts from Covenant Eyes as a start, particularly this one.

      Second, and I’m not sure how to word this, so please forgive me if it comes across more direct than I intend, but if you need to freak out, that’s ok, but then move to a spot of “we’ll get through this.” Because, there’s a great chance that you will.

      Third, it’s not your job to fix him. It’s his job, with your loving support, but you don’t need to carry the burden of his recovery. It’s up to him to sign up for Covenant Eyes. It’s up to him to have an Accountability partner (and it shouldn’t be you). These are all his responsibilities. Not yours.

      Fourth, this is your recovery, too. Way too often, all of the focus is on the man’s recovery and the wife/girlfriend is left to wonder “what about me? I feel horrible and confused and I don’t know where to begin.” That’s why it’s so important to find outlets for your own emotions and to find safe places to process what you’re feeling. And, maybe even create some loving boundaries with your boyfriend until you see evidence that he’s owning his part of recovery. Kay Bruner, who wrote this blog, has many other posts about boundaries, and you’re entitled to them. Even though most of culture won’t give you that permission.

      Victoria, I wish you the best! God is for you – He’s for real, authentic love. Please let me know if there are any other ways that Covenant Eyes can help.

      Chris

  3. The author has it right when she says you are on the right track to starting victory in this area. While I would not agree entirely with the author of the above comment – I would tell you that there is never true joy without victory over some struggle or another. Rest assured that you two will be SO much stronger after God has worked in him ( and in you, though primarily in him). Pray for him, love him, and expect BIG things of him. If he is the man you want, he can claim some sort of victory. Many men have. Complete victory sometimes comes in the form of a very expensive internet filter and a very tech savvy friend who holds you accountable. The urge might always be there for him – but both he and you can ensure that he doesn’t relapse in the future. Take all I say with a grain of salt, but know that victory in this area is attainable. God is on your side. I wish nothing but the best for both of you, and I will pray for both you and him.
    – keep up the good fight.

  4. I would keep my eyes wide open. If you feel something isn’t right, or that there is something lacking in intimate conversations like just agreement statements and not anything from his own thoughts– beware. Does he have good friends that are helping him with this? If he is a loner, I would be very careful. Make sure that you have the support of close loved ones of yours for this relationship. Find at least 1 friend that can help you specifically with this issue in your relationship–not for gossip but for support. Finally, take it slow and ask God for very clear signs that this relationship is okay and that nothing is hidden in darkness. Save yourself lots of wounding by being wise.

  5. Melissa has a commendable hatred for this sin. It is probably right to categorize any addiction (in this case sex addiction) as idolatry and it is to be hated, both by the offended and the addict. Unfortunately, addiction is often not only sin, but a neurological and psychological issue as well (that happens to result from sin). I’m afraid Melissa’s counsel is a little oversimplistic, especially because the counsel is a little blurry. What exactly does “you shouldn’t be with someone who has it as a part of his present at all” mean? What is present? Any former addict is always a present addict, what may vary is the length of sobriety and quality of that sobriety. For example if John was acting out with sex and porn daily in 2011 and by was a one a month guy by 2012, then got to the point when the last time he acted out was in January 2014 and hasn’t since then, he’s still an addict, he just has 7 months of sobriety. It would be the same if the given dates were 2001, 2002 and January 2004. He would still be an addict, he just has 10 years and 7 months of sobriety. The addict is always one slip away from relapse. He has to live one day at a time, and if you decide to be in a relationship with him, so will you. Yesterday’s sobriety is as useful today as yesterdays shower.

    My counsel (albeit I’m a recovering addict) is to follow the advice of the above columnist, and look for signs of healthy progress, not just empty progress. Also, you will have to make a decision as to whether or not you want to bear the burden of relating with this guy. It’s hard, I can promise you that. He can’t promise sobriety. That’s tiresome. You can’t fix him, that’s frustrating. So is this the kind of guy you can handle dating? That’s the question you get to answer, not anyone else.

    Side comment: “Or you’ll find someone in the 1.5% of guys who has apparently been living under a rock.”
    To be fair, there ARE men who are have not really had a tough time with porn. Few in the US (I can’t speak for men in countries with less media resources) haven’t seen it, i’ll concede that. But it’s important to know that families that foster healthy communication, emotional and psychological development will produce men with less “struggle” with the porn they have seen. You can probably increase the odds of meeting more of that “1.5%” by looking under the rock, which in this case would be the Church. When you see a strong family that lives in community and openness in the church, when you see elders well respected for how they govern their families, there are often good sons that follow.

    If you want to be married one day you don’t have to date an addict.You can look in the right places and for the right things (by living those out yourself too). But you should also know that you CAN date an addict, and that it CAN be a healthy relationship, you just get to deal with some junk.

    • I found this to be one of the last biased comments on this article, and I think it is very encouraging. However, if he has shared this and is still struggling, she’s gotta tell him is pornography or me. I used to be addicted to weed, but the way my girlfriend treated it was key. I knew that if I smoked weed evert again I would lose her. If you tell him that he has to choose between you and porn, chances are that if he really loves you, he will choose you. Going “cold turkey” might be difficult but if he loves you enough, he’ll do it.

      I actually found the way you stated that he will always be a recovering addict to be a challenge. I have no doubt in my mind I can and will conquer it. But your boyfriend has to have no doubt too. Good will undoubtedly keep you two together if you walk together in faith with him, if he truly is the one.

    • Thank you for this comment from a man’s perspective. I wish my boyfriend had the ability to articulate all these kind of feelings with me, but I’m sure they are similar to what I have read from you. Another plug out there to all the girlfriends trying to understand whether or not to marry this guy, is that this really sucks, and I hate the whole situation so much, and that’s ok. I wonder sometimes if I can handle the pain…It’s so hard to try and make a decision about this, especially when I love my boyfriend so much. I know that somehow he really does love me. I don’t understand him, but God has helped me know and see the value in him. I know that just because this is his challenge, it is not his character. He can still be a really good person, and struggle with porn. My boyfriend has done everything I’ve asked him to do to try and “get clean”. We study conference talks from the prophets and read the scriptures every day that we are together, and sometimes over Skype too. I pray for his temptation to be taken (who knows if that can happen) and he prays for my broken heart to heal. And God has promised me no matter what I choose, that He is going to be there for me, and it will all be ok.

    • After writing this article, I got so many private messages from young women struggling with their boyfriends’ porn problems that I went ahead and wrote an ebook about it, called Porn and Your Boyfriend. That might help support you through this as well.

      I’m wondering if you or your boyfriend have been involved in any kind of group work, or is it just the two of you? If you haven’t found groups for both of you, here are some places you can check into, both locally and online: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, SAA for him, S Anon for you, xxxChurch, Candeo. Those are just a few resources to check into. I especially want to encourage YOU to get support, as so often all the attention goes to the person with the problem, while the partner carries a lot of pain alone. I don’t want to see that happen to you!

      Blessings, Kay

  6. My heart goes out to this girl because I was in a similar situation; I married a former addict.

    My husband told me about his former addiction very early in our dating relationship. I decided to continue dating him because he had completely left the porn behind. I could see that he loved the Lord, was growing in Him, had set up accountability partners and was extremely careful about avoiding images that could be a source of temptation. I could see that he had been set free. If he had still be viewing porn I would not have continued the relationship because that would have been evidence that he was not walking with Christ. I may have asked him to have his accountability partner contact me regularly to let me know how things were going but I would not have dated him until I was 100% confident that he had truly been set free.

    Is this an unrealistic expectation? Aren’t porn addicts just one slip away from a relapse? Don’t believe what the world says: once an addict, always an addict. John 8:36 reads “So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” Freedom in Christ is complete. Yes, my husband still deals with temptation, but has remained pure, by God’s grace. He often calls me when he is tempted and we pray together. Even though He has never gone back, as a wife I can tell you it is incredibly hard when he tells me that he is tempted.

    But the key distinction between my situation and this girl who asked Kay Bruner the question is my husband was set free before we started dating. Pornography is so incredibly destructive that it must not be glossed over in any way in marriage. To any girl in this situation, I would say that if he is viewing porn and masturbating while dating you then I promise he will continue when married. He is not ready to be in a dating relationship until his porn viewing and masturbation have completely stopped. How long should you wait before you continue dating? Only when you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is set free. The previous commentor wrote “But you should also know that you CAN date an addict, and that it CAN be a healthy relationship, you just get to deal with some junk.” The answer is not to find someone who has never viewed porn or deal with the “junk” of your addict husband but to find a man who puts Christ first in his life. If he is serving the idol of pornography and self gratification then he is putting himself first, and not Christ and in marriage he will not put you before himself either.

    You care about this man; if you didn’t you would have already walked. For his own sake, for his own walk with the Lord he must deal with this sin fully and completely. You cannot fix this for him. You can support him as a friend but I encourage you not to date until he is in a postiton to marry (so absolutley NO porn and NO masturbating, or any other sexual sin). For your own sake and for your future children, expect your future husband to be a godly man who will love you as Christ loved the church. It is possible, even from a former porn addict. I know it’s possible, because I am the incredibly blessed wife of such a man.

    • Hi Anne I read your comment and I agree most of the explanation you have share and encouraged. Im a Christian woman who have been praying and asking for a husband for many years. I’m recently star a new relationship with a Christian who is involved as I do with the issue of Human trafficking. The reason today I’m researching about dating a boyfriend with a pornography issue is due that yesterday I caught him getting out quick of a web in internet and quick going to a bible, pretending that he was reading the bible. I didn’t have much time to see what he was looking at but if I saw well I saw a prostitud women by draw, like cartoons. The problem was that as soon I walk into the room he quick got out of that web. I carefully confronted him toward his past, be admitted it that many years back he has a pornograpy problem but he claim him self today’s date clean. But yesterday night I leave with a unsettle heart, my spirit doesn’t witnesses truth. I love Christ and I believed in Grace as I also have my own struggles, who am I to judge? But the whole night I couldn’t sleep because I feel he is been not a hundred percent honey with me, there is something he is hiding, and since that was his past struggle it make me to think it can be struggle but maybe fears to share with me. What would be the approach I should apply with him? Any tools maybe you can share? As I know he fears of been honest. Thanks so much
      ?

    • Hey there. Let me point you first of all to some resources you could share with your boyfriend. Here’s a link to our free download, Your Brain on Porn. And here’s an article that can help him think through what successful recovery would look like for him.

      Secondly, here’s a short ebook I wrote just recently for dating women in your situation. It’s got questions you can ask, and tips on what healthy recovery means. There’s another article here on boundaries in dating.

      Trust yourself. You know what you’ve seen. He must learn to take responsibility for himself to work on his problem. If he can’t do that, he is not in a healthy place for a relationship right now, sadly.

      Blessings, Kay

  7. Melissa, you seem to be pretty tenacious in your own self righteousness. The Christ you claim to serve said “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” The Pharisees also looked down at others. “I thank you God that I am not like that tax collector there”. If YOU claim Christ, I encourage you to follow what He teaches too.

  8. I hardly ever comment on anything online but i am having hard times. My boyfriend and i have been together for 10 months and we have opened up about our past. He told me he used to watch porn off and on and he said he stopped because he felt horrible doing so. I know that is his past and there nothing i can do about it. But i am worried because at moments i can’t stop thinking about that. It makes me wonder, how do i move past this? it might sound dramatic. But i love him and i know that the Bible says to be patient and loving and forgiving..but i have nothing to forgive him since this did not occur with me but before me. Yet i can’t help but feel disappointed, Can anybody please give me tips or pray for us.

    • Hey Ena.

      Well, I think it’s important that he have a good support system, first of all. I didn’t hear you mention that–he said he quit because he felt horrible. That’s fine! But it’s really a good idea for him to have his own system of accountability, and to be using it successfully so that this doesn’t BECOME your problem as the relationship continues. You might want to ask him about his support system, what kind of accountability software does he use on devices, who does he talk to when he’s tempted or when he has an episode. Or, if he’s clean, who WOULD he talk to, just in case.

      He absolutely MUST take responsibility for himself.

      You be patient and loving and forgiving, yes. But he has to be TRUSTWORTHY. No matter what happened before your relationship, he has to be trustworthy now and in the future, and you have to know if that’s happening. Once you know he’s taking responsibility for himself, you’ll probably be able to worry less–or if he’s not taking responsibility, you’ll know that too and you can decide what you want to do about that!

      I wrote a little ebook called Porn and Your Boyfriend that has questions and conversation starters so you can think things through and make good choices based in reality–if you wait til February 20-21, it will be free.

      You are absolutely okay being disappointed and sad that it’s like this. Find a safe person who can help you process your feelings–a counselor if you need one.

      Blessings, Kay

  9. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we are thinking about getting married. He has had a problem with porn from the age of about 7 and it’s been engrained within him eversince. He has tried to stop many times (it appears) and recently told me he hasn’t been watching it when I check up on him. But I found out (God is the best revealer of things, I tell you) through a Godincidence that he has been watching it, even at work. I’m deeply hurt and troubled not only by the fact that he’s been watching it and (in my eyes) defiling our relationship (we have been celibate, he initiated the decision and I totally agreed, to keep the relationship honourable in the eyes of The Lord) but also that he lied about it. I’m so troubled tonight by it that I can’t and haven’t slept and I don’t know what to do anymore. I wan’t to stay but I’m not sure if I’m able to do so any more, it’s starting to feel like I hurt more than I’m loved and it’s caused a massive strain in our relationship. Any support would be appreciated.

    • Hi there. Well, it sounds like you’re being really wise in this relationship–and we’re all grateful for those Godincidences that open our eyes to what we need to know! I’m so sorry that your boyfriend has this struggle. So many, many kids have been exposed at such early ages. It’s just an epidemic. I do think we have this terrible combination of porn exposure plus enormous shame around sexuality in the religous world, and that leads to the lying and hiding, which just makes everything more difficult and painful.

      I would say that this is an issue he absolutely must address responsibly himself. I think he probably needs to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) who can help him unravel this long-standing problem in a healthy way.

      My own personal view is that exposure to porn at that early age is a form of sexual abuse, and that definitely requires therapy to heal.

      Meanwhile, I would recommend that you find support for yourself. The lack of sleep you mention here indicates a high level of anxiety to me; you might want to talk to a counselor to help process your emotions and consider healthy boundaries. There’s also a great new website called Bloom that provides discussion groups, classes, and other support for women. There is a monthly fee but there’s a 2 week free trial so you can check it out before you commit financially.

      Peace, Kay

  10. This is very hard for me and has been for months. I caught my boyfriend watching porn; not once or twice, but three times. The 1st time was horrible. I told him how I felt about porn. My ex husband use to watch it and make me do things I didn’t want to do; so porn brings me very bad memories (psychological trauma). My boyfriend cried and told me he loves me and that he would never watch it again. I went on with life; didn’t lose any sleep over the matter. After about 5 or 6 months later I had this gut feeling that something wasn’t right after seeing a different email address that was sync’d on his cell phone. I asked him about it and he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about and soon erased the email address. I started investigating his phone and gmail account and long and behold I found all the evidence I needed to confirm my suspicions. He had been lying to me for 9 months (the entire time we started dating). I was crushed and hurt. He said he was going to get a phone with no internet and that he would get help. I wanted to believe him, but days passed and I noticed he never sought the help he promised he would get. Well, about 1 month ago I caught him again looking at porn and I about lost it. Things heated up and things were not pretty. He finally admitted to me that he has been exposed to porn since the age of 7. His mom would go party and leave him with some woman, who was a stripper, and made him watch porn. And when he didn’t want to she would say, “what you don’t like woman?” Then he mentioned that he saw his younger sister get molested; the molester then knocked him out when he asked, “What are you doing to my sister?” I did not know this about my boyfriend. I have been through a lot growing up and evidently my boyfriend has to. I have been traumatized through all this. I don’t know how to deal with all this. I am so hurt. I hurt for him too. I just don’t know that he will ever get over this. I don’t know that I can get over the hurt.

    We have sought help through our church and they recommended counseling and getting connected to a Life Group. I don’t know that I want to. I am meeting someone from one of the Life Groups at my church and I am scared. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel because I am afraid to fight this battle with him. I know that sounds selfish, but it’s the truth. I hate that I found out the way I did; rather than him tell me the truth I had to play detective and catch him red handed. He is trying to work on it. My boyfriend has already began to get connected with a guy from our church. I know he loves me, but I am skeptical and maybe it’s the trust issue. What should I do?

    • I’m so, so sorry Veronica.

      The truth is, this is not a battle you can fight with him.

      HE HAS TO FIGHT THIS BATTLE HIMSELF.

      You have described a very significant sexual abuse history that he needs to deal with. He need to find a counselor who can help him process those childhood experiences, and the impact those experiences are making on his present choices. And he has to figure out how to cope with himself without the crutch of porn. Getting connected with an accountability partner or friend is good, but he needs professional help.

      Meanwhile, I want to make sure that you have help processing your own pain with a counselor just for you. You might also want to find a group. And there’s a great online community called Bloom with classes and all sorts of resources that may be helpful to you in your recovery.

      Peace, Kay

      Peace, Kay

  11. Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend has been watching porn all throughout our relationship.. we’ve only been dating for 5 months but talking for a year. Since I found out I have struggled with a heap of emotions.. insecurities and doubts. We are both Christians striving to maintain purity in our dating relationship.. but now this brings so much more confusion. He has told me that he’s going to stop.. in fact promised.. but part of me has such a hard time trusting that. I feel like he’s so weak… but I care about him so much that I don’t want to just run out of his life in this shameful moment. What do I do? I really love him.

    • Hi Mary,

      I’m so sorry. This is such a difficult issue to face.

      I think it’s important for both of you to realize that your boyfriend is unlikely to quit porn on his own. He needs accountability on his devices. He needs friends and family he can be honest with. He might need a group, or even a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, depending on his level of use. Most of all, he needs to take responsibility for these things himself.

      If he doesn’t take any of those steps, then you’re wise to doubt! We can only trust people who are trustworthy, and we only know if people are trustworthy by their trustworthy behavior over time. He needs to start being trustworthy in this now, and continue to be trustworthy going forward. No matter how much we love someone, if we can’t also trust them the relationship won’t be viable. Marriage will not solve this problem, and it will be much, much harder to extricate yourself from marriage than from a dating relationship. It’s very important that he take responsibility for this now, work on his own recover now, rather than waiting for marriage.

      After I wrote this article, I got so many questions that I decided to expand this into a short ebook with more ideas and conversation-starters. I won’t tell you what to do (and I think some people find that frustrating!) but you’re the person in the relationship, so you’re the only one who can decide if he’s doing his part and you’re feeling okay to continue the relationship.

      If you need more help, you might want to find a counselor for yourself, someone who can help you process emotions and work on what’s healthy and right for you.

      Be honest with yourself. Know your own boundaries. Trust yourself. Get more help if you need it!

      Let me know if that helps, and if you have further questions. Kay

  12. I am 24 and my boyfriend of 5 years is 26, he has the same problem. He started watching porn at a young age and just recently relapsed. I used to handle this problem absolutely terribly but throughout the years i’ve prayed long and hard for God to help me transform and handle it properly. We both have a lot of faith in God. That has helped me a lot over the years. He seems to want to stop, however hasn’t completed kicked his habit. We speak of marriage but I fear of the commitment solely because of the porn usage. I don’t want that to be a part of our future, especially because we both hope to have kids together after marriage. Porn has had a terrible impact on my trust for him; I’m fearful to leave him alone in the house because i’m so scared of it. Obviously over the years i’ve worked through this but it’s a slow process. I don’t want to break up with him but sometimes his issue with porn makes me second guess myself. I wonder if this is “normal”. It’s definitely taken a toll on my mental and emotional health, but i’m working through this as well. I feel as though I have nobody to talk to about his problem so I pray mostly all day long. He seems to do well for a while, and then has a relapse which makes it feel like were back at square one. I’m trying to be strong for him now and support him. I need support as well though. He used to lie about it until i’d pry it out of him and now when It occasionally occurs, he is open and honest which i’m thankful for. He has admitted to being addicted to this terrible habit and I can see he is trying hard and feels guilty and very embarrassed about his problem. I think he may be interested in having a blocker on his phone but I want him to suggest it because I want to KNOW he wants to permanently stop. Am I doing the right things to help him and support him? What more can we do? Separately and together? I love him dearly and don’t want to give up on him but I need him to face his demons and help himself, so our relationship can be solidified.

    • Hello, Anonymous – I can sense the struggle in your post. I can also sense how much you want this to work. But, he has to want it more. Yes, it’s good to love him and support him through this, but he has to bring every asset to bear on defeating this monster before he’s fit to marry you. You’re ending statement about “I need him to face his demons and help himself” is true. He won’t be able to do it alone – few, few men can defeat porn alone (I was not one of them). It’s a full-fledged battle. Bring God. Bring The Word. Bring an accountability partner. Bring a ticked-off attitude of “I will not allow this to rule over me!!” every morning. That’s what it takes. But, it’s his decision. It’s not “well, I might be interested in a blocker for my phone.” Instead, it’s something like, “I’ll do whatever I need to do to my phone! If that means a “dumb phone” for a while until I’m stronger, then so be it. If that means Covenant Eyes, and turning over all control for my phone’s settings and controls to an accountability partner, then that’s what I’ll do.” There’s no “kinda” when it comes to defeating porn. If he “kinda” wants to stop, then he will fail.

      For you, my friend, be strong. Do not enter marriage until he starts to take this seriously.

      Peace, Chris

  13. Hello,
    Reading all the encouraging comments has been helpful. Unfortunately, my boyfriend of 7years about to 8 in couple of months has opened up to me about having porn addiction since the 6th grade. I first thought he was cheating on me since he told me was tempted and was talking to coworker. As time passed, he opened up about his addiction and that he wanted to take brake and work on his issue but I wanted to be by his side and help him. He literally has no one to talk t to about this. He’s a leader at church and doesn’t feel comfortable speaking to anyone. I’m trying to find us counseling and helping block the internet from adult sites but I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. 8 years is along time and I love him dearly but I don’t know how to move forward. I’m putting my trust in God and letting him take control but my heart is broken. Fasting and praying, hoping things get better but I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    • Well, Nomi, your boyfriend has GOT to get some help to take responsibility for himself. No matter how uncomfortable he feels, or what repercussions this would have for his church role, he needs to get help if he’s serious about his recovery. He can find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. He can find a group like Pure Desire. He can read books like Your Brain on Porn to better understand what’s going on. He can speak to trusted friends and make them his accountability partners. He needs to do that work.

      You can’t do his work for him, because you’ve got your own work to do. You need to consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you: here and here are some articles to help get you started. If you want support for yourself, look at the resources at Bloom.

      Frankly, you’re doing way too much work on his problem right now, and he needs to take over his problem and do his work himself. Even God is not going to take your boyfriend’s work over! He has a free will, and he needs to start using it in healthy directions.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  14. I am actually struggling with a person trying to get over porn. It has been quite a rollercoaster. I once, was young and dated the guy that watched porn, and thought it will be over once we got married. I kept giving myself excuses that its a men thing, it wont happen to often, etc etc.

    10 years down the road, our marriage has struggled due to porn. I have been strong for us. We started going to church and he has accountability, and people to help him, but no one to help me understand it, or how to forgive him or move on and look at him as a normal person again.

    If you are young and in your 20’s, dont settle for less. He needs help. Mean time, keep living your life. If God has meant for you two to be together , He will bring you two together again.

    It will be a struggle full of resentment if you move on with this guy. Just my opinion anyway. I am still married, fighting it, but the way I look at my husband is not the same anymore.

    Please do not enter this marriage till he takes it very very seriously. Its a bad bad bad addiction to overcome it.

    • Ela, Thanks for speaking up here. I think you’ve addressed the biggest hole in our treatment protocol for the porn problem: support for the spouse. I hear this story over and over: the husband gets help, the wife does not. Meanwhile, many women will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. If the spouse’s healing is not addressed, you’ll end up with a husband who’s “recovered” and a marriage that’s “saved,” but a wife that still has numerous symptoms that are the farthest thing from okay!

      PLEASE FIND HELP AND SUPPORT FOR YOU.

      Find a counselor JUST FOR YOU who can help you process your emotions and build healthy boundaries. (Read about boundaries, here and here.)

      Find a group that will help support you.

      Look into the online resources at Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and other helpful tools for women in marriage betrayal recovery.

      Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose to be healthy.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  15. Me and my boyfriend moved in together. My problem is he watches alot of porn. He mostly does it behind my back even though he knows my views on it. Normally i don’t bother, it’s something men do right. My problem is he wil leave me on bed to watch it letting me fall asleep alone. I asked him if we can watch it together and work it into our sex life, this idea did not sit good with him. I just dont get it he watches porn 24/7 but wont have sex with me. Most of the time he is like im not in the mood or not now. I did have a talk with him and he told me if i have a problem with it he wil stop but he stil keeps doing it. I feel like he doesn’t want me and dont know how to approach this problem. I was thinking of breaking up with him a couple of times but all other aspects of our relationship is good its just the porn and the sex. And it drives me insane he is the only mind blowing sex i ever had but it seems like this problem keeps coming back up. Im scared it might cause us to go our separate ways but i dont want that at all

    • Please run the other direction. You are worth his 100% affection. By watching porn, he is cheating on you every night. Deep down, I bet this wrecks you. If he won’t change, he’s not worth it. Give him an ultimatum. If he lashes out, then walk. You have your entire life in front of you to find a man who will love, respect, and adore you as he should. Sometimes, I can be too direct. I hope I haven’t offended you. Give him one chance. Then you’ll know.

  16. I keep coming back to these articles to help me close the circle. The popular “Porn kills love” was made true in my life. I ended the most significant relationship in my life because he was addicted and failed at achieving long term sobriety and working consistently on his recovery. I can’t begin to tell you the amount of strain and suffering this caused me in the past 3 years. He’s a good man but even though he claimed to want to overcome his addiction by his own admission:

    1. Hasn’t given his recovery his all
    2. Isn’t talking to someone about this
    3. Has wasted too much time

    This has left me with so many questions like “Did he ever love me?” “If he’s not working hard enough, does that mean that he doesn’t want me enough?” and such. He seems heartbroken that we can’t be together but I just don’t see that he’s fighting hard enough. I wen through hell to support him, but I don’t see him doing the same for me.

    I’m so heartbroken to see that really good men are ruined by porn, and they won’t be able to be in a healthy relationship until they heal. I feel so hurt of having given my best to him, supported, listened, comforted and even loved him despite de dissapointment and anger, only to end up like a chapter in his life. Yes, I have learned a lot, but I do regret loving someone so much just to see him walk away. Porn really destroys love. Now I hope I can find a man that understands the dangers of pornography and strives for purity. I’m ready to be loved the way I loved.

    • I’m so sorry that this chapter ended as it did–and I’m also glad you were able to face a difficult reality and make those tough, healthy choices for yourself. I wonder if you’re familiar with the work of Dr. John Gottman? He’s got a great book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, which is the best research in the world on healthy relationships. Good stuff as you consider the way forward! Peace to you, Kay

  17. My boyfriend admitted to having a sex addiction, having been with prostitutes and going to strip clubs before we met. He’s struggled with periods of sobriety and then failing, now pornography is the main issue. I know that this addiction is very difficult, he seems to want get to the bottom of what he’s compensating for and dealing with deeper issues. I want to be with him, but how/when do I know when he’s made a real enough change? I feel split like I should trust that God can heal him completely and the other half of me thinks this is something he’ll forever struggle with and may relapse over and over. Should I take it as a blessing that I found out before we got married and run?

    • Yes, it’s a huge blessing that you found out before marriage. I would say, separate for a period of time (6 months?) and let him work on his own healing. He needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Given the level of acting out, I would say, go no-contact during that time and see what he’s able to do. Then check in to see what kind of progress he’s made and whether you want to continue to invest in the relationship–I’d say that depends on the level of his investment in therapy and recovery.

      While he’s doing that, YOU work on your own emotional processing and your own healthy boundaries. Here and here are a couple of articles on boundaries. Find a counselor who can help you think about your own values and standards, and the vision you have for any relationship you form in the future.

      Take this level of sexual acting-out very seriously indeed. It will not be solved by getting married and having lots of sex. It will only be solved by his hard work in therapy. And I suspect that it will take years before he’s fully recovered; he would have to work hard for a long time, I think. 3-5 years would be a benchmark in my mind.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  18. Reading this was such an absolute encouragement. My boyfriend (whom I’ve been dating for about a year & 3 months) and I have a relationship INCREDIBLY similar to the one described. As we’re seriously considering taking the next step, engagement, it was such a comfort to read someone dealing with the same things as him and I. Don’t get me wrong, I would never wish this struggle on any couple, but it is still an encouragement. Thank you so much to whomever wrote in and also much thanks to the author. ❤️

    • I’m glad it was helpful to you, Jess! This is an incredibly common struggle. I would URGE you to be sure that he is taking responsibility for himself and his choices before you take the relationship further. He doesn’t have to be perfect, but he does have to be responsible. I would say that the level of secrecy and shame matters immensely: does he have close friends, a brother, a dad, someone constantly in his life, who helps him with this. And, he needs to have the capacity to care about your feelings and to connect with you emotionally. Peace to you as you go forward, Kay

  19. (In our 20s) I started dating this absolutely incredible man 9 months ago. I knew he had struggled with lust of the eyes before we started dating but dismissed it and told myself guys go through it. For the duration that we have been dating, I started to feel like he was doing a bit more than just lusting but potentially looking at things. I voiced my opinion on the matter multiple times in hopes he would tell me if he was or not. It got to a point where I confronted him last night (not in a rude or harsh way) and he confessed and told me he has been struggling with it for years and has tried to stop so many times but keeps going back to it. He constantly tells me how dirty he feels when he does it (going on sites and watching porn). I did not think he went on sites so that was a complete shock to me as I thought he just used social media platforms like Instagram.

    We just attended a weekend young adults conference last weekend and he had an incredible break through with God and we talked about his struggles (he vaguely mentioned lust of the eyes but did not go into detail about it until I confronted him about it last night). His youth leader from his teen years was at the retreat and spoke on his struggle with sex and porn and how he overcame it. While we were talking last night (we are in a long-distance relationship), I told him to text his youth leader and ask him for help. He did it because he wants this to work really bad.

    He is scared that if it gets cut off that his ‘urges’ will build up and he will do something he will regret. He is extremely scared of hurting me and is very ashamed of his actions.

    We had a long conversation earlier today and I told him I want to be there 100% to support him, but I need him to make as much effort as he can or else I have to leave despite loving him so much. We have been planning to get engaged / married. I told him I would be checking up on him and he has to continue to be open and accountable to me. He mentioned the reason he didn’t want to tell me earlier is because he knew my opinion of it and was scared I was going to end everything with him on the spot. He also went on to say how relieved he feels to be able to talk to someone about it cause it was weighing on him so much to keep this to himself for so many years.

    The youth leader responded fast and sent him scriptures and asked him to call him at some point that day. He said that was moving too fast as he doesn’t know if he is ready to talk to someone about it but wants to within the near future. I understand that admitting to something is scary and its terrifying to let someone know your dirty secrets. He has been extremely open with me about it but is scared to talk to his youth leader (who he has known all his life and is close with).

    I just don’t know what to do. I sent him the link for Covenant Eyes and said this or another filter site would be good to use. I don’t have any friends that I can go to about this or really anyone to talk about my feelings as they all know him and he asked me to not tell anyone. So the only people who know about this are myself and his mentor.

    I loved being able to read everyone’s postings and seeing that I’m not alone in what I’m personally going through. I’ve known he was engaging in this for so long but it all became incredibly real after confronting him about it in a respectful manner.

    Any advice for my current situation?

    PS. I apologize if this was poorly written and hard to follow. So many thoughts all at once!

    • Hey there.

      A while back, I wrote an article here for dating couples. Later on, I wrote a short ebook for dating couples as well.

      The main thing is, he must take care of this for himself. It is NOT your job to carry this for him. He needs to get his devices monitored and filtered. Covenant Eyes on computers, Accountable 2 You on phones. He needs to find accountability partners for himself which are not you and not someone who lives far away that he never sees in person. It’s fine that he talks to his youth group leader, but he needs FRIENDS who will walk together with him, daily. He needs to figure out how to deal with his emotions in healthy ways, rather than turning to porn when he’s distressed.

      The real deep problem is a toxic combination of shame (here’s an animation on interrupting shame cycles) and “he can’t help it” ideas around sexuality, combined with men being raised without a great deal of emotional intelligence. So “big boys don’t cry,” “be a man,” “boys will be boys,” “it’s just locker room talk” PLUS “be the spiritual leader.” It’s no surprised that men aren’t doing well in this toxic stew. He has to figure this out for himself and get healthy! And keeping it a big secret is the worst possible way to deal with this. He should talk to his friends and his parents about it and get support from them.

      THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB!!!

      I hope some of those things help, but most importantly, let him do his own work on this, and you be wise about whether he’s actually doing it or not. He should have a plan and have support and utilize those things without you having to push him into it. If he’s not doing anything, and if he continues to keep it secret and be ashamed, well, you know what’s happening: nothing good.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

  20. I would just like to thank you for this advice. My boyfriend and I are serious, both Christian, and both love God so much. But he struggles so much and hates himself for it. It’s not a choice, it’s an addiction. It takes time to heal. I am not going to break up with him just cos his issues are sexual. I have my own issues in other areas of life, and he supports me through that. Sometimes we just need a little help. So thank you.

    • Addiction is real, and there are elements of choice in how we deal with our struggles. He does have to be responsible for how he manages his struggle: therapy, groups, education, accountability. And of course you have the responsibility to weigh the impact of his choices on you and create healthy boundaries for yourself.

  21. Thank you everyone for posting here. I literally read every single post and screen shotted alot of the comments to help encourage me. I just found out my bf is addicted to porn and idk what else to do other than to let God do the convicting, while fasting and praying for his deliverance and freedom. I didn’t know how porn can ruin marriages, until I did a tad bit of research and asked some siblings in Christ about it. To recall that I was sexually abused by a porn addict ex, makes me hesitant to continue to date my bf. He seems to hide things from me, and idk if it’s is out of fear, but he is working on being completely delivered from lying as well.

    I just don’t have a good feeling about him. I do love him, and he says he loves me , but I just always had doubts. He said that he knew I was the one from the start. Of course, I had high hopes as well, however, maybe it’s the woman’s intuition thing that we ladies have that just tells us that something is just not right. I’m sure the woman’s intuition that we have is simply the Lord. Regardless, I’m glad I came here and got to read everyone’s struggles. It’s comforting to know that I’m not in this shock and betrayed mode, all by myself. I too struggled with porn but I’ve been delivered (praise Jesus Christ!).

    I do get tempted but I’m disgusted at Satan and his tactics to make me want to sin that I just close out the window if something pops up.

    Today, I was in his computer and I saw some ads that made me wonder “what’s going on? Why are these ads here????”

    Didn’t think much of it until I went to sign on my email, and his email was already signed in.

    I get junk mail too, but for some reason , I just felt uneasy when I saw his junk mail. I saw that he viewed an email that was new, but right underneath that email were junk that made me question why he would be getting these mails in his inbox and not his spam folder?

    Anyways, did more searching and found out that my honey has an addiction. I can’t help but to sympathize w him as I’ve been there, however, I can’t imagine marrying someone that is getting turned on by sexy girls that have nicer figures than me (I’m fit, workout and I know I’m attractive but I def don’t look like a porn star). This just bothers me.

    I have been cheated on in the past before, abused, lied to, and an array of things. Not wanting a pity party, but explaining why I’m more than concerned about any tiny red flags.

    I took Melissa’s warning as a blessing. Seriously, I can’t imagine finding out that a porn addiction that he hasn’t been delivered from would cause him to cross the line and do things that could end the marriage and cause me to be a single mom.

    And I thought that this could be the one.

    It’s so disheartening.

    Haha, we want someone that’s great in bed, but doesn’t have a porn addiction … Maybe I’m just speaking for me, but Lord I need Him to convict my bf and give him intervention and give us both wisdom.

    I just don’t know what to do.

    I don’t want to make him feel shameful or guilty, but going back to the, “I feel like you are being dishonest with me again. I don’t like you continuing to hide things from me thru denial/lies/broken promises. I’m still having a hard time seeing progress and wanting to make an effort to being delivered”.

    I just feel like I’m a broken record sometimes, and that it goes through one ear and out the other.

    I’m so offended and turned off.

    And it’s easy for me to say this now bc we had an issue earlier this morning about him keeping his word ..

    But I know I might get weak and forgive him and overlook the red flags if he’s loving and nice.

    I don’t want him to give up on love.

    I just found out that two months before we met, he was doing hookups with strangers in Craigslist. This is two months before he was saved, since he accepted Christ and the gift if salvation on the first day that we met!

    Fast forward 9 months later, I care about my bf alot but I don’t think that I can say that I truly love him like I have loved in the past.

    The trust is not there fully, it’s been broken by a lie about sleeping with someone that I really despise. Although this was before I met , when I found this out after we started dating , I chose to forgive him as we prayed about it, because I saw that he was willing to be delivered from being dishonest.

    As sad as this sounds, I just want to hurry and find my future husband. I’m very loyal and too honest for my own good. I admit I lie to my professors but to my significant other , I quite often have said too many things that actually ended up hurting me later.

    I just want a flat out honest and loyal guy who is sold out for Christ.

    Someone that can’t put the Bible down , that can’t stop going to Bible studies, serving , worshipping , praying & fasting for global issues, etc.

    I want a husband who actually does cry and has the broken heart of the Lord for those girls in the porn vids, as someone has mentioned above.

    I want to go on mission trips and build churches or at least start them with him, however I don’t want to be a broke couple scraping for our next meal.

    There’s much more that I want , but I also feel guilty for having such a stringent list when I’m far from perfect as well .

    My bf accepts my flaws and challenges that I’m overcoming as I told him from day one .

    I thought it was odd that he accepted all of them and didn’t share w me of any of his struggles.

    I’ve become comfortable dating him, but I feel as if he just wants a partner to start a family with.

    I want someone to be in love with , someone who will be head over heels with me.. someone who can’t stand unfaithfulness, dishonesty, lying.. someone who is so fearful of the Lord that he is anxious to be in situations that he knows might cause him to stumble …. And therefore flees from it.

    I try to block myself from my struggles. I know my struggles and I know how sinning opens the doors for the enemy to attack. I know this very well since I used to get sleep paralysis and bad nightmares when I had premarital sex in the past, or sinned in other ways.

    My current bf and I have not had intercourse. We messed around once or twice but we both repented, begged for forgiveness from the Lord and decided that we both wanted His blessing by staying pure until marriage.

    His birthday is this Thursday.

    Last year for his birthday, the girl that I absolutely cannot stand, took him out and they had drinks and of course , sex.

    He lied about it for a while. This was the like that lost my trust in him, however , the Lord is good about bringing things into the light !

    I am stressed that this Thursday , of course we won’t drink or have intercourse, but why does that bother me?

    There’s just so much little things that stresses me out about our relationship.

    I think I wouldn’t have thought about this had I not found out about the porn that he is watching 10-30 min a day , sometimes 40 or 90 minutes.

    To know that this is what he is doing , makes me feel confused. I don’t know what to think, or feel ..

    And I’m absolutely disgusted ..

    Bc I was delivered from this and I know how hard it was for me, but it started with me WANTING to be delivered from it.

    I don’t know if he wants to, but I know that he is excited to go “in his man cave ” at night.

    This is his way of saying he needs space lol, and I’m happy to give it to him..

    I always wondered why he had headphones on while on his laptop and now I know why.

    Now I know the things he watches at night.

    I even found out that this occurs at all times of the day, even three hours before church .

    Right when he gets off work , right before he sleeps , during work hours , in the morning, etc.

    He’s secretive and I just don’t know if I can marry someone that isn’t able to be 100 percent honest with me about their struggles and their everything.

    I feel like at the least, I can be with someone that is willing to communicate as much as I am about my struggles and what I’m doing to be delivered from them .. for me.. it’s like guarding my mouth (lol), anger.. etc..

    Anyways , sorry this was long .

    Ty all for your posts. Any and all encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated. Prayers would be more appreciated.

    I just need God to open and close doors according to His will , soon…. And without pain….. In my life.

    But I know His timing and His way is the best so idk..

    I’m just frustrated.. mostly bc whenever I had something on my mind , I would share things with him, but now that he is the concern …

    U know what I mean ?

    Thanks for reading guys , if anyone read this book haha.

    Btw, by no means am I saying I have my stuff together , I just want an honest and loyal man that is sold out for Christ and wants to worship 24/7 with his life like I do. And if something I said seems off, please don’t hesitate to correct me in love. Ty. :)

  22. Wow so many others going through similar seasons.
    A week ago today my whole world changed. My boyfriend and I had been talking engagement and marriage and now we are talking healing. Both on staff at church a week ago it all surfaced after he said something completely vulgar (in a joking way, but absolutely unacceptable regardless) to a workmate friend.
    Long story short, he was completely honest with our pastor his upline about the issues he is dealing with and that porn has been a problem also. He lost his job because of it and because we were both of staff st the church this is now really hard for me. Not everyone else on staff knows what happened but they know he is dealing with personal stuff.
    Im catching up with our Counsellor weekly and he is committed to counseling as well as having a mentor/accountability partner that he’s catching up with weekly.
    I knew that he had a history with some stuff but felt completely blindsided by it all at the same time.
    It’s hard because I love him so much and I trust that he really is committed to dealing with these issues and seeing restoration and healing. But I also know I need to protect myself, be wise and not brush over this stuff cause it’s really serious.
    Sigh.
    I have people who will walk the journey with me, but sometimes I think it’d be nice to have people that had first hand experience with it. I guess it’s nice knowing you aren’t alone in it as horrible as that sounds.

    • I think it would be really helpful for you to find a therapist who can work just with you, to help you process your emotions and work on healthy boundaries. YOu’ll probably also really appreciate the online resources at Bloom for Women. I find that very often women are left out of the recovery picture, and it’s vitally important that you get help and have a safe place to process as well.

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