Porn and Your Husband

Porn and Your Husband Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

15 thoughts on “My husband is addicted to porn! What did I do wrong?

  1. Seriously, this topic is really important. I was very impressed about your thoughts until you brought up “God”. How dissapointing. I am actually disgusted. So typical of religion, to go to the poor, the needy, the vulnerable and brainwash them with this load of crap of a man in the clouds. Fortunately, the statistics of Christian followers are misleading and much lower than stated. There is still hope in the human intelligence.

  2. Actually, it is kind of the girls fault. A girl who is too reserved, too timid, and too predictable can drive a man to look for excitement in his sex life. Sure there are some guys who are actual addicts, but the majority of men watch porn to escape an otherwise boring bedroom relationship. He may love you still, but his sex life obviously is lacking.

  3. Well said Dann! A real man bows down to authority and we are all accountable to God!!!!
    Thank you for humbling yourself for us all in hopes of helping somebody.
    Keep on fighting the good fight!!

  4. I call bullsh*t. I’m sorry, but it hardly has anything to do with the relationship. Men watch porn. About 80% of men do it. The average men in a relationship watches 15 minutes every day, and singles 40. Men just have a bigger need for sex, and instead of raping woman (like in medieval ages) they masturbate while watching porn. Normal as a walk trough the park. If you don’t feel comfortable with it, talk about it with him. And about the whole ‘forgiving him’ thing, he doesn’t have to take anything from you. Again, all men do it, it’s not a crime.

    • I’m not sure anyone here is calling using porn a “crime.” The point is that when a man and woman get married, and there is an expectation of “forsaking all others,” many women believe that also includes not sneaking away in the middle of the night to gratify yourself to images of other women on a laptop.

      It sounds like your argument is: “All men look at porn, so it should be assumed by any woman that this will be part of their marriage.” As far as the observation goes, you are correct that a woman shouldn’t be surprised that her man looks at porn if it is a subject they’ve never discussed. But as far as your idea about a man’s “need for sex,” I’m going to sharply disagree. There have been millions and millions of men who never saw porn a day in their life and never raped a woman because of his insatiable sex drive. You make it sound like before porn, 80% of men were just going around raping women. Do you really believe that?

  5. After 31 years in a basically sexless marriage (e.g it has been 6-1/2 years since my wife last agreed to it, and I doubt we’ve made love even a hundred times within the entire marriage – that’s less than 3 times per year, averaged out) and given that nobody gets married to change the other person (well, she actually has changed me, I’ve really come to realize that I’m truly barking up the wrong tree, and this leopard will not change her spots), what is there left but the imagination (aided by something I’ll never experience in the flesh again) provided by the internet?
    My word and my commitment to my wife, our marriage and our family means something. I made a covenant to love and cherish her, and I do every day. The difference is that her definition of a loving marriage doesn’t include any reference to being physically close (that “one flesh” bit, taken somewhat less allegorically). A bit of a conundrum.

    Frankly, I’m not proud of looking to porn occasionally, but aside from cheating, which I will not do, there isn’t much else available in the face of a woman who’s far more vigorously committed to ensuring she’s not inconvenienced by something she doesn’t see as necessary, than I am committed to trying to have a physical aspect to our marriage.

    Please don’t talk to me about praying on it, or asking her to pray on it – God made her the way she is, and has been watch all this all along. If it were intended to be different, it would be. This is one of those topics (like money) one cannot talk about without getting into an argument and a freeze-out that only makes things worse for months.

    Final solution: I gave up, realized there’s nothing that can possibly be done about things; I look after my own needs myself, and my wife is very happy at not being “pestered”. And make no mistake, I love her beyond all reason – I simply wish she could understand that for a man, physical love is a powerful statement of love.

    • I’m sorry to hear you have a sexless marriage. I’m sorry to hear that your wife is not willing to learn to be more sexual with you, since in doing that she’s denying both you and herself a wonderful gift.

      Since it sounds like you’re not wanting advice, I’ll only state this as question for you to ponder: What does God expect single men to do?

      The reason I’m asking is because the conclusions people come to have important implications for how we understand God. We could start with the assumption that sex is a profound and deeply rooted need. If God, then, expects single men to never lust and never masturbate, then the conclusion we come to is that God is a cruel maker, creating with a craving that he expects us to starve. Or if we have this need, we could come to the conclusion that God doesn’t mind that we lust or masturbate on occasion to fulfill it, making all that the Bible says about lust incorrect. In other words, if we start with the assumption that sex is a deeply rooted need, we either come to the conclusion that God is cruel or the Bible is flawed. Neither of these conclusions are sustainable to me.

      If, however, sex is not a need but rather a good desire, then we can see it in the light of other desires in our life, in the light of God’s Word, in light of the power God gives us to overcome sin, in the light of our life and situation, and we can make that desire a servant to His will.

      My goal in saying this is not to frustrate you, but the last thing I want people to do is justify sin because they start with wrong assumptions.

      I’m not unsympathetic to your situation, Rick. You’ve spoken at length with your wife about this to no avail, correct? It grieves me to hear about marriages like yours because to deny a spouse sex is sinful (1 Corinthians 7:1-5). I do hope that your situation changes, despite the three-decade track record, but I hope more that you can come to the Bible with new eyes and find the help you need to kill all forms of lust.

  6. I appreciate the caring behind your words on this, though I don’t share your hope that things can change… if a woman can’t bring herself to be interested in sex when she’s young and all the normal “juices” are (at least theoretically) able to flow, really what are the odds she’s going to suddenly change in her late 50′s?
    My take on this, and the thing that gets me through life now is that I have come to the conclusion it is better to live without hope than it is to have that hope die each and every night over thousands of nights. There’s a a sad peace in resignation in the face of an unconquerable problem. I cannot change her, but I can change myself.
    I consider myself to be an intensely spiritual person, but not wedded to the Christian Bible any more than any of the other beautiful books of wisdom God has inspired people around the world to write. There is great wisdom in all of them, many of them having very parallel stories, parables and lessons to the Bible, many having worthwhile lessons not found (or not readily found) in the Bible. I will take a look at the reference you have provided, but I don’t think an appeal to scripture to get her to change will get much traction, despite her being a good Catholic.

  7. Porn is the most wonderful invention ever!
    It saved my life, it saved my marriage, it heals my depression and it inspires and motivates me to go on. In fact, it is a representation of grace of God that gave Himself for the sins of man, in the same way women in porn give the most precios them selfs for the pleasure if unknown men. Most righteous wives on the other hand, don’t give a damn about man who give their very life to to love and support them!

    • Interesting. So, if I understand you correctly, you think that when porn stars give their bodies for the production of porn, they are performing a loving, Christlike act?

      I would challenge you to ask the porn stars themselves why they do porn. My friend Donny Pauling used to produce porn for 9 years, and he has a much different perspective.

      As for what “most righteous wives” feel, I think you’re grossly exaggerating. How could you possibly know that to be true?

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