Your Brain on Porn

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Watching just 5 hours of porn has been proven to significantly change people's sexual beliefs and attitudes. Find out 5 distinct ways that porn warps your brain, as well as 5 biblical ways to renew your mind and find freedom.

10 thoughts on “Lust After Death: Advice to a Widower Who Fantasizes About His Wife

  1. I’m the one who asked the question, and, Luke, I appreciate your personal email and counsel after I asked you the question. In your answer you pointed out that death breaks the marriage bond. That was the first time I acknowledged that I was a single man. It made me grieve for a while, but it also made me do a lot of thinking. And strange as it seems even to me, admitting that I am no longer married seemed to let me release my wife to God and Heaven. I had been holding on to something that could not be a reality.

    Then Brad’s kind and well-thought-out video blog gave me more to think about. Looking both issues–is it wise; is it moral–was really good. My answer to myself was, No, it isn’t wise, and Yes, it certainly could be immoral.

    As to the loneliness, I’ve been going to a men’s Bible study each week that is facilitate by a long-time friend of mine. I’ve also started visiting another church that has an active senior citizens’ group. I regret to say that I’ve not had much support from the church where I’m a present member. I hope it’s not selfishness on my part to try and find a church where I’m more than a non-person after “amen” is said each Sunday and each Wed. evening.

    Thanks so much Luke and Brad. And thanks to my local counselor, Rod, who told me about Covenant Eyes. God’s blessings on your work and counsel.

  2. I have a question,what do you tell a married woman whose husband ignores her in bed for many years, he claims he turned off his mind from sex. But the wfife fights with feelings of being aroused because of a burning for physical sexual pleasure.

    How can you advise her, she says she gets aroused by sharing the same bed though the husband does not. Can she leave the marriage instead of falling in sin with another man?

    • First, your husband needs to be held accountable for his sin against you. If he is approaching this marriage from a Christian perspective, then he is sinning against you by denying you sexual gratification. The Bible speaks to this situation specifically:

      “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).

      That said, I’m very curious about the underlying reason for his desire to turn his mind off from sex. Is it a biological problem? Is there some reason for his frigidity? Does he know why? Has he told you? That would be a good place to start the conversation.

      Even if there is a physiological or psychological reason for his asexuality, he is still in a covenant of marriage with you and should not deny you your desire for sexual pleasure.

      Have you had this kind of discussion with him?

  3. I didn’t watch the video and of course didn’t read the email, but found the advice given to Joe underwhelming and a bit condemning. There is an assumption in this article that its wrong for this man to desire and experience sexual pleasure/release without a wife. There’s a statement that “its wrong to engage in acts of sexual lust” and ties this to the phrase “burning for physical sexual pleasure” calling this a moral issue! When Paul spoke of burning for sex, he approached it as a normal need, not a moral issue, and instructed those who were evidently postponing relations to go ahead and enter their prospective sexual relationships. (That’s the only interpretation that makes sense to me.) The only thing that would have been immoral was to try to continue in a celibate life when one still has active sexual desire.

    I agree that it might be unwise for the widower to yearn for the companionship of his wife, but it doesn’t mean he has to erase happy memories of having sex with her which aid him in obtaining sexual arousal as needed. A divorced man might still recall enjoyable moments with his ex, though there’s no love left between them. The guilt trip people are on regarding sexual fantasy etc, is mind-numbing sometimes.

    Regarding “self-control”, again Paul said “not all have this gift”. It seems obvious that masturbation is a relief valve for these until they find a new partner. We can agree that they shouldn’t idolize sex or be pre-occupied with it, but it’s part of life and good health, physical and mental. I would advise the same to the woman whose husband is neglecting her. Yes, she may have a right to divorce, but would rather not go that route. Ideally she should talk to her husband, but I doubt if she want to make love with someone who apparently doesn’t truly desire her. It will take time to heal that relationship. Masturbation allows her a way to allay her physical/emotional drives and to make a more rational decision as to her life in general.

    • I think you’re glossing over important details. Did Paul treat sex as a natural drive? Yes. But did he also treat burning with sexual desires as a moral issue? Yes. All of 1 Corinthians 7 speaks of sexual relations as a moral issue. And when you say Paul told them to “enter their prospective sexual relationships,” let’s be very clear that we’re talking about marriage here, not just any sexual relationship.

      I really think your reading of Paul is poor.

  4. My pastor yesterday, in speaking of dealing with the Christian believer dealing with addiction or a besetting sin, quoted a Christian counselor who said these kinds of issues come down to this: “Are you going to worship self or worship God?”

    And I thought, that question just about covers it all. Viewing porn, lustful masturbating, fantasizing encounters, etc., are all basically worshiping self, are they not?

    Also, the entire book of First John was written to encourage us that that sins can be overcome and that living a pure life is supposed to be the norm for Christians.

    • I agree that idolatry is the characteristic and summary word for our drift from God, especially in the Old Testament. Sin is idolatry. The idol of self is perhaps the biggest cult in the world today.

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