About the author, April Mabrey

April Mabrey

April Mabrey has been married to Darren for over 20 years. They live in Dallas, Texas, with their twin girls, Luci and Sydni. April is a software engineer and loves to karaoke, Zumba, and eat sushi. Darren is the Men’s Director at their church and has a passion for sharing his story of freedom from shame through his ministry Sit in the Chair. Read April’s chapter in our e-book, Hope After Porn.

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Hope After Porn

Hope After Porn Ebook Cover

Porn use (and even adultery) doesn't always mean that a marriage is over. Get this free e-book to read how four betrayed wives found healing for themselves and for their marriages.

94 thoughts on “5 Lies I Believed When My Husband Was Watching Porn

  1. I read this right after falling into the quick and easy temptation of porn. I’ve struggled with this off and on through my young adult life. I realize after reading this that I am becoming that self absorbed shadow of a person that you described. I do try to love my girl and I try to stay away from porn but it still comes back. I can easily see myself falling further down the path of caring only about me. I realize that, subconsciously, I want a care free woman. I suppose I can put that down to the times in my earlier years when women turned me down or even cheated on me, but the responsibility is mine. Having a carefree woman that I don’t need to be concerned of may be a weird fantasy, but there is nothing of love in it. I want to be a loving man. I don’t care if I have to chuck my laptop out the window I want to be a loving man. The internet makes this sin soooooo easy. There is nothing technology can do to prevent my finding these images. But the responsibility remains mine. I pray that God show me how to ditch this habit for good, not just for a month or two intervals. Thank you for sharing the horror of what you went through, it may have prevented another horror from happening.

    • I knew I needed to give up porn also. The hardest part for me was the images that were left behind. I would go to that mental bank in my mind and view them as needed :( I found God calling me to pray…as soon as a pornographic image came to mind I would pray for that person, particularly the woman in the situation. God changed me through this he healed me and still is healing me. I pray frequently for those that are caught up in prostitution, which is what pornography is, and my perception has changed, porn no longer sexually arouses me. Thank you God!!! I am a woman. I was introduced to pornography at a very young age and I have struggled with the addiction on and off for years. I can say I am free now. Prayer works and when you begin to view the temptress/tempter as another one of Gods lost souls you can feel differently about them love them in the way Christ commands us to love one another! Praise God! He is amazing and he can save those that are lost we are called to pray for them!

  2. As you have so powerfully put it, pornography is a lie.

    I think most men know it is not healthy to watch porn. However, most men started their compulsion with porn in their teen years. Before the brain has had a chance to fully developed is the time that most addictions and compulsions are formed. Unfortunately, these habits follow men into their adulthood.

    I think if you ask men, that regularly watch porn, if they have tried to quit porn. I think most would say yes. And most likely they have tried numerous times.

    If a man is given effective strategies and activities on how to quit porn, they would most like want to try. The challenge is trying to convince the man that it is possible.

    Good luck with your efforts.

    • No you are not. I pray that you strength your self in God and his live for you through Jesus Christ. The problem of Porn dont come alone, it’s hard to deal with the consequences of it in the marriage… May God bless you.

      I

    • This has been helpful to see that I am not alone in this. Just recently I broke down because I found on my husbands phone porn sites and lots of them in the history. I thought we had settled this a few years ago when I discovered his porn tendencies and expressed my desire that we should separate because I did not feel I was enough for him. He went through the apology route and told me how much he loved me and he would not hurt me like that again. I struggled thru mother’s day weekend on how to approach him again. We went to visit both our mother’s over the weekend and I had to keep control and not break down in front of our families. When we got home Sunday night, I just could not hold it together anymore the “everything is ok” deal I went to take a bath and collect my thoughts on how I was going to address my discoveries. He came in the bathroom a few minutes later and found me crying. He pushed for us to talk immediately, but I told him we would talk later because our son (age 9) was still up and the conversation we needed to have was not something I wanted our son to over hear. I could see panic in his eyes at not knowing what the discussion was going to be about so he rushed to have our son get ready for bed (which it was time for him to get ready for bed anyway). When we kissed our son good night we went down stairs and I started the conversation with letting him know that at first I was very angry and then that turned into sadness because I realized I was not enough for him and told him I didn’t think I had ever been. I’m not a skinny person and I could never be those women he searched for and watched. He then told me that I was wrong that I was enough for him and then he said that he had been having ED problems and he was searching for answers as to why this was happening and said the sites with the medications have links to such sites (which for some reason he at this point I think he thinks I’m dumb) I’m crushed by this of course. He tries to reassure me that I am everything to him and in no way has he ever cheated on me, but to me he may not have physical contact but I still feel betrayed and that in someone he did cheat. This as you can imagine is not a pleasant or easy conversation to have. I’m at a loss, I want to believe him but when I look back on our past and his weakness as he called it this has been happening for years. We have been beee married for 17 years, but together for 24 years in all. I don’t know what to believe from him anymore. I our sexlife has not been great. It used to be but then it dimished to once a week and then maybe once or twice a month. I am not one of those wives who does not enjoy sex, because I do. I love being with my husband. He said he tried to tell me some time ago about the ED problems but he wasn’t really clear on the issue. He would say his mind is all for it but his body wasn’t. He tells me that my appearance does not matter, that he loves me for me on the inside and out. But my question is if it doesn’t matter then why would you be looking for skinny women? He then tells me that it’s like what our paster said it’s not real. But it is REAL even if you think it’s a fantasy it is real because they are real people and you are watching LIVE cams. I fell lost and frustrated and heartbroken. I just not sure what we should do next. I doubt he would go to counseling. I don’t know truth anymore.

    • First things first – understand that your husband’s problem has nothing to do with you. I know nothing of his personal situation, of course, but it may be that he stumbled across porn as a kid and has been living in secrecy for so long that he doesn’t know how to handle it anymore. It’ll be hard, but I’d also believe him when he says he loves you; men tend to be good at compartmentalizing, and he probably thinks of his porn use as something completely separate from his relationship with you.

      Of course, even if you believe him, that doesn’t mean that you should just accept his behavior. You’ll want to set boundaries for your healing and conditions for your marriage with the goal of reconciling to him and strengthening your relationship. Start by reading Porn and Your Husband, which will give you a starting point for boundary-setting, among other things. You may also want your husband to read it; we’ve heard stories from men who have read it and had a much better understanding of how their porn use was hurting their wives.

      You also mentioned ED problems. Many porn users have reported ED as a result of porn use; abstaining from porn helped fix it. I’d have your husband read The Porn Circuit for a better understanding of the changes porn makes to his brain chemistry and biology.

      Stay strong, and cling to God! He’s brought many marriages through this, and they’ve come out stronger in the end. I pray that the same will be true for you.

  3. I believed the first four lies completely, which is way more insidious, because I kept telling myself that his problem with me (and the overall problem with our marriage) was simply ME–the internal me, not the external me. I hated myself for not measuring up to being a good Christian wife, even though I did everything I could think of to please God, my husband, and the Christian community. My own sickness was such that I was on a relentless quest to be a near-perfect Christian wife who interceded constantly for not only for my husband, but our five children. In retrospect, I know that I would have never gotten what I so desperately wanted from him, which was emotional and spiritual intimacy. How could I have gotten this from someone who had short- circuited his own ability to be intimate with his heavenly father? The psychological damage that I allowed to be inflicted on me and that I inflicted on myself had everything to do with my personal worth and identity in Christ. I am just beginning to heal after a 25 year ‘marriage’ and the fall-out of a divorce five years ago. You know, in some strange way, I still am blaming myself. That tells you how deep these lies go.

    • I totally understand. I gained weight hoping that my breasts would grow. Then I realized they wouldn’t and now my husband at the time was even less happy with me. I struggled trying to lose weight because I was so depressed. I tried to forgive and forget (like everyone said). He would bring porn into our bedroom and then supposedly stop for several years and then do it again. I looked at my journals and this happened at least 5 times. I wanted to talk to him about it, but he would get mad and so I would wait until he was already mad and bring it up. I get down on myself for handling it wrong. Men like this want you to keep it secret so you suffer alone. They make you think you are the one with problems. I am finding out now that I am divorced and seeing a counselor that many of my feelings are normal. I needed to know my worth without my ex-husband.

  4. I divorced over 2 years ago and I’m still blaming myself and thinking that didn’t do enough or was enough. It’s so hard to lose belief in the lies because the rejection is so painful. I know that I have to focus on God and not on him. God is the one who truly loves me for who I am exactly how I am. But living on this earth with so many men who feel that same was as my ex did does make it hard to be a strong woman who can ignore all of that negative feedback. Women are told to be strong and be themselves and yet we’re bombarded with “ideal” images in movies on tv and all around us. I’m trying as hard as I can to focus on God and to ignore it all. I wish others would too.

  5. This the first of the many things I’ve read in the past few weeks that made me feel like their is any sympathy in the world for a woman who doesn’t want her husband to watch porn. Thank you for taking time to write your thoughts and experience.

  6. I am over 35 years into a marriage that is evangelical Christian from the beginning to the present; and continuously in church. Raised all the children and they are well respected in their faith. But porn has been in and out of my life since I was just after elementary school. Most have heard the story of the lingerie section of the department store catalog; or a friend with a Playboy mag, etc. that started it all. I have watched this evolve in the culture from print photos to videos to internet streaming. I have struggled with porn, but never touched another woman than my wife.
    After much reflection, and many periods of being into porn, and then long periods of being out of its involvement – the view of wives, and Christian wives, that it is not their responsibility is both correct, and incorrect. This is not simple and uncomplicated. Sex is the most powerful force in the physical body and lives of most men. It is at the core of nearly every one of them as a consuming drive. And it always has been and always will be very challenging to manage. This is not new. Read the story of Tamar, and of the lives of King David, King Solomon, even Noah and Abraham. Raw lust plays a part in much of the Bible. It may be each man’s responsibility to do what is righteous, but his loving wife could help him greatly. Most men’s hormones run on a restoration cycle of one to three days, while many women seem to run on a hormone cycle of sexual desire of biweekly or even monthly. This leaves to inconsistent objectives by each marriage partner. Porn changes the brain and is addicting like a drug, like cocaine or meth. But if a wife keeps her enticement of her man active and interesting, then he has much less drive to seek it out in porn. And he really does not need to seek hard to find it – it is available for free in short vids with a quick search engine review. All men know that. The culture is drowning, immersed, saturated in sexual stimulation and temptation, and putting all the impetus on men only perpetuates the problem. If a man is a quality, caring husband – as most intended to be at the wedding – then his immersion is this sex-saturated modern culture contributes to his fall to temptation. It was rarely his original intention. Wives acknowledgement of this and efforts to counter this illicit lure – to draw him sexually to her would be infinitely wise. Most Christian wives I have known are clueless after many, many years to their husband’s struggles, and show little interest in helping him overcome these temptations by luring him sexually constantly to them. Blame itbon the wife’s low self-esteem, or on her insecurity, but the temptress is always there alluring her man away. And if she does not counter it, even the best of men often stumble, sometimes badly, and sometimes stumble and stumble and stumble.

    • Why is it that as a woman temptation is also all aond me to fall And stumble.. The difference between a man and a woman Is that she doesn’t fall and stumble When she truly loves her man… So don’t make up any excuses As to why you watch porn… Its called self control.. And if you truly loved your wife you wouldn’t Ever have to deal with this.. I’m sorry I’m not being rude I’m telling you how it really is.. There’s no place for porn ever in a relationship

    • Dan, men who struggle need to band together and help each other……..A women actually can not change a man. Every individual must be open to correction from God and God’s moral standard. I think you are probably familiar with passages of scripture about marriage and they do not suggest that it is wise for a women to be sexually alluring…but alluring because of a sweet and loving character. Physically experiences are important to both genders equally…There is no wife on the planet who doesn’t want her husband to be attractive sexually. Haha! Try being a man who takes responsibility for his actions and attitudes and speak up and share your struggles…because hot damn that’s attractive.

    • Dan,
      Don’t make up your lame excuses. It has nothing to do with that. It doesn’t matter how sexy or how much sex she gives him. It has to do with him and his unfaithfulness. One women is not enough because he is messed up and has deep issues he needs to work out with a counselor.

    • Wow, Dan, that was the most insightful, honest, balanced, transparent, informed and helpful post I’ve read yet. Thank you so very much for posting the truth, the facts, and the advice. What wisdom. I hope that you will reap complete and unending freedom because of your willingness to sow your time and wisdom to help readers on this sight understand their husbands better. Wives remember – we HAVE to be “harmless as doves but WISE as serpents”! Bless you Dan….

  7. One more thing. Covenant Eyes says I must depend on God’s grace to stay pure.
    Why not just tell my wife to get interested in sex as the Apostle Paul admonished in 1 Corinthians 7, instead of focusing on kids, and house cleaning, and shopping, and meals, and every other responsibility imaginable (jobs, as her husband, which I do more than 50% of anyway)?? (Oh, I forgot an hour of devotions each morning.)
    If she cannot devote 15 minutes twice a week to intimacy while in bed, instead of showing an interest about every one to five months… and her husband is tempted by porn, maybe she should look at herself instead of dissing her husband. Men get weary feeling like their wives are tolerating the husband’s sex drive. No wonder he succumbs to the incessant sex-charged temptations in which he is visually swimming in this culture. The allure of the free constantly available porn woman will forever be with him once he is addicted, no matter how hard he endeavors to resist this and break free. And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.

    • Hi Dan,

      It isn’t an either-or situation: Depend on God’s grace to stay pure OR have sex with your wife frequently. Sex with your wife is a grace from God.

      That said, it is true that married couples should frequently have sex (as least frequently enough that neither the man nor the woman is tempted by sexual immorality). This has been a theme on our blog before.

      Both husbands and wives need to improve communications around sexual topics. If he wants to have sex more and she doesn’t, this needs to be discussed in light of Scriptural principles. Yes, if a spouse refuses sex or only begrudgingly has sex, this is not a healthy sexual relationship and should be remedied.

      That said, this does not cure a lust problem. I know many men who have very sexually available wives (having sex many times a week or every day) who still look at porn. This is because marriage will satisfy your sex drive but not your sin drive. Sin wants what it can’t have; it wants what is forbidden. Sex with your lawful spouse doesn’t satisfy this. Only Christ can change our hearts.

    • Dan, I can’t compete with the women in porn, so what makes you think that having more sex with my husband is going to keep him honest? He couldn’t stay honest even within our first year of marriage and he blames me, saying the I’m not ‘there’ when we have sex. Althewhile, I’m ‘there and insecure of my body and efforts bcause I’m not experienced like him’

    • In one sense, you are completely right. As long as your husband is trained by porn standards, one woman will never satisfy him. More sex is not the answer. Sexual frequency in marriage is good, but it isn’t a cure for a man who only sees his wife as one of many sexual experiences.

      It isn’t just the bodies of the porn stars that set the standard. To be sure, porn companies hire them young and encourage them to get breast implants, but that is only part of the reason why porn is alluring. Porn producers edit out the hours of footage, choosing only the best material. They train the girls on what to say and how to say it. They piece the sexual experience together on screen, making the viewer believe that the woman was enjoying herself 100% of the time. On top of this, the Internet only makes matters worse: a man can click around for hours, looking at one woman after the next, finding the sexual episode that suits his tastes at that very moment. There is no woman in the world, no matter what she looks like, who is that clickable and customizable.

      What you husband is doing to you is deplorable. Looking at porn and then blaming you. You are “there” when you have sex? Neither are the thousands of women he’s seen on screen. If what he means is he wants you to enjoy yourself in the bedroom more, well fine, but he shouldn’t make that into an excuse for his own lust.

    • “And 50-70%, it is reported, of Christian church-going men have been exposed to porn. Perhaps it is time for Christian wives to step up and win their husbands back from the temptress.” This is one of the most dangerous statements i have ever read. The first sentence is true. Combined with the second sentence it creates a devastating lie. That lie is that wives being sexually available to their husband or not is related to his porn use. To blame your porn use on your wife is simply choosing not to take responsibility for your sinful choices. As a Christian sex addiction counselor I consistently see couples where the wife has a very high sex drive or simply lives by the belief system that she should never refuse her husband, yet they are still sitting in my office. Frequently he does not even want sex with her anymore because he has come to prefer porn. Other times they do have frequent sex and he is still using porn. Another phenomenon I see often is the wife who does not feel safe to be vulnerable with to be sexual with her husband because of his porn use. She feels judged and compared to the women in the screen; she feels used, like an object, because he is not emotionally present during sex; she feels lonely and unloved. You are clearly very bitter. I don’t know if your perception in your marriage is accurate or not. I do know that you said your porn use started before you met your wife. I do know that porn use causes a person to become self centered and skews their perception of just about everything. I do know that you felt the need to brag about an hour of daily time with God (possibly a skewed perception or a flat out lie since all porn addicts are very good liars). And I know that your spiritual maturity is quite lacking since you felt the need to point this out and because of the many lies from Satan that you believe. I point this out not to criticize, but to hopefully show any vulnerable naive person who reads your harmful words that there is no credence there. There is nothing but a man too selfish to recognize he just spit in the face of an unbelievably courageous woman who was brave enough to write this beautiful article, using her personal story to help others with the wisdom she has gained from her experiences and from her relationship with Christ.

    • I made a mistake. I said the first sentence was true. Actually I’m pretty sure the accurate percentage of Christian men who have been exposed to porn is closer to 100 percent.

    • Dan,
      It’s important to understand the hermeneutics of 1 Corinthians 7. The Christians in Corinth wrote to Paul asking him about celibacy since the presence of sexual immorality in Corinth was everywhere at the time. Since the fear of sexual immorality was so great and they saw what was happening in Corinth they took things to an extreme and made a decision not to have sex with one another. Many married couples abstained from sex out of fear. The question they were asking was if was ok for a husband and wife to have each other in a sexual sense. They feared sexual immorality that much! This was not a case of wife denying her husband because she had a headache. Also, early Christians in Corinth were prone to practice asceticism (extreme self-denial for religious purposes). Paul starts by saying “it’s good for a man not to have sex with a woman, but because of sexual temptation to sexual immorality each man should have his own wife” He goes on to say don’t deprive one another and your body is not your own but if you don’t understand the reason behind it you miss the entire point. Paul addresses the men first, not the women. He also adds that this is a concession not a command. Dan, it’s difficult for me to believe how easy it is for men to blame their sin on their wives these days. Please be careful in how you interpret scripture and try to see your part in this.

    • Dan, speaking as a wife of someone who struggles with porn and lust, it isn’t that simple. I don’t think you understand how much of a gift it is for your wife to share her body with you. When your husband betrays/ rejects/ ignores/ disrespects/ doesn’t cherish this gift by lusting after other women, how do you think the wife feels? It is very difficult for a woman to be interested in sex with a man she feels is not going to cherish one of the greatest gifts she can give him. If you expect your wife to have sex with you and to put forth an effort, you need to not only undo the hurt you have caused but make her feel like the most beautiful woman to you as she may have once felt. I know in the beginning of my marriage, I was very confident with my husband and was very engaged, willing, and open when it came to our sexual relationship. After 3-4 years of on and off porn/ lust issues, I have lost that confidence in being able to turn on my husband. I am still very interested in sex and desire more than anything a satisfying and fulfilling sex life. But when I am with him, I feel ashamed and like I have to compete with his extensive past (and present). More than anything do I want to hear him tell me I am beautiful, that I turn him on, that I am enough for him… but no matter how much I have verbalized my struggles, he has yet to give me any assurances. I am starting to get suspicious that he only comes to me for an “outlet” to his lust– not because he actually desires me or to be intimate with me. Sex is all about him and when he wants it. He seems to only be turned on after seeing/ lusting after another woman. What wife wants to be intimate and share her body with someone doing that?
      All I am saying Dan, stop thinking about yourself and maybe your wife will put down the distractions that shield her from the harsh reality that is her marriage.

  8. It’s debilitating when you find out your husband has been watching porn. Men really don’t get it, they see it as a ‘fantasy’. Well I wonder if they’d see their divorce as a fantasy too?
    It is too terrible. After finding out about my husband’s porn watching (aka jacking off to other women’s …..) I have been completely devastated.
    Gone through the stages of wrath, betrayal, lies, etc.
    AND… What men don’t know,from a woman’s point of view (after finding out) there are triggers all the time! Ones life changes afterwards.
    I get that it is easy for men to look at these images/videos but since when did we become barbaric that we cannot make CHOICES?
    Hell, I feel like going down the road every now and then to spend time with the electrician… Do I? NO!
    I’m tired of this excuse that ‘men’ have needs… We -are not savages and we don’t live in the stone ages anymore. I

    • Does your husband not understand why you are so devastated right now?

      Unfortunately this is so common from the couples I speak with. His secret life is now “out in the open” and while he doesn’t like it, he has been dealing with his issue for a long time. To the woman, it is a brand new problem and merits fresh attention. The guy, who’s learned to live with his sin, doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, but the woman is devastated and dying to be understood. It’s terrible.

      For your own sanity, I urge you to download this e-book, written to women in your shoes. I hope it is a help to you right now.

  9. I’m about to download this, and I hope it helps! I try to be cool with his looking at porn, and honestly I look at hentai… so I have issues too. But it hurts to know that he is attracted to STRANGE stuff. Not just regular run of the mill porn, but male to female transformation, furry, etc… it worries me more than anything. I am so afraid I am going to wake up one day and my life with him will be over. I honestly can sit here and say at the moment, I am so lost… that I don’t know if I could psychically survive without having a heart attack and / or driving off into Tahoe.

    • This is, unfortunately, the direction a lot of porn goes. Because our brains weren’t built for constant hits of sexual pleasure hormones, eventually we get numb to watching plain old vanilla porn and we turn to weirder things to get the same high. This is one of the reasons why many counselors believe porn is so addictive.

      Have you spoken to your husband about this issue in both of your lives?

    • Yes, I have and I have admitted once in a while I lapse to him. He keeps lapsing and that hurts. I think we need to go to counseling.

  10. I feel alone lost betrayed i know i have all the proof i need that hes called escorts online porn why do i feel like i need him to admit what he refuses to admit… i just want him to love me enough to tell me the truth instead he only gets angry… the pain is consuming me

    • Yes many times he just gets angry a denies it and expects me to act like nothing happened. Just last night i asked him begged him to talk to me … he ignored me completley. Im sitting right now in a clinic so embarassed to have SYD testDone.

    • Wow. Your husband needs to have his head checked.

      Anger and silence are his defense mechanisms. He knows he can get under your skin by belittling you and making you do all the questioning. When you talk to him next, it is important do everything you can to remain calm and level-headed. The more he realizes he isn’t controlling with his attitude, the more he will have to come to terms with his childish behavior.

      I might say something like this, “I noticed this stuff on the computer. [Give the evidence.] You said before that you didn’t look at this stuff. Is that right?” If he still denies it, say vey calmly. “I know you are lying to me because you don’t want me to realize that you are paying for sex or planning on paying for sex with women. Unless you can demonstrate to me why I’m wrong, I will assume that you are pursuing this. Each time I’ve asked you, you get angry and expect me to pretend like nothing happened, but you’ve done nothing to demonstrate that you are trustworthy.”

      If he gets angry, remain very calm and say, “Anger doesn’t erase what you’ve done. Shouting doesn’t make me believe you; in fact, it only demonstrates to me that you are being defensive because you have something to hide. Do you have anything productive to say that will help me to trust you.”

      If he continues to get angry, again, stay calm and say, “I’m going to walk away now and come back when you have calmed down to continue this discussion.” Make it abundantly clear with your attitude that he is the one who is out of control.

      If he ignores you, don’t beg him to talk. Remain calm and say, “I see you are using silence in the hopes that I won’t talk to you anymore about this. I’m married to you and care about you, and I hate to see you doing this to yourself and to us, so I will not just leave this alone. I’ll come talk to you a little later when you are ready to talk.”

    • Luke i have pretty much done that he gets angry but in a calm way hes very calm person i belive he will never tell me. But Luke i want to say god bless u for being on here and advising me. I dont feel so alone right now. Just scared i pray my std tests come back negative and if my husband is a sex addict as i suspect i wish he would get help but i dont see that happening

  11. So i know stupid question but i feel if a man is googling escorts and favorite them on his phone from backpage in every city he works in calls them has had a online dating sitSince 1999 and visits porn sites daily i assume his excuse hes just curious but never meet anyone is a lie my gut tells me he has.

    • He may have never met someone, but the fact remains that he is still doing something that is equivalent to cheating on you. Would he be okay with you having erotic chats with men online? Would he be okay with you comparing him to other men? If so, then he is far gone when it comes to what marriage really means.

    • In ur opinion what do you think is going to fix this. He replied with a simple NOTHING…so i responded with.. Then is that is the best answer you can give to the wife you say you love so much? Tell me that you are to selfish to tell your wife what she needs to know what she deserves to know. He did not respond so i am about to let him know that i will not ignore his actions and that I will no longer put my self in this situation that is causing me so much pain for a man who cares more for his self than me. With that said i informed him I am leaving him .

    • Of course, it is impossible for someone who has so little information about your story to give you sage advice, but on the surface, I would say that putting distance between yourself and your husband is a necessary thing, especially if this problem has been going on a long time. He needs to see that his actions have consequences (like your broken trust).

      Do you have a support network to help you at this time?

    • I understand but your advice was exactlly what i needed to have the courage to put down my foot and realize this was not my fault and no i have no support people or group i looked online but no luck if you know of any i would appreciate the info i live in memphis tn

    • Thank you and since our last message my husband decided to finally admit he had a addiction and asked for help so currently im looking for him a psychiatrist. I may never know if he had actual sexual contact with these girls but all i can do is protect myself and continue to show him support but also continue to show him i will NOT put up or accept this behavior…thank u and god bless u

  12. My husband is not a Christian and does not see porn as sinful or wrong in any way. He has major self esteem issues and wants me (who is “safe” I guess and won’t leave him) to be a one-dimensional submissive object in bed just as your article describes. I say “no – just love me as a person” and I am accused of being frigid, unable to compromise etc etc. This is issue #99 of a long list of problems our marriage is facing. Any suggestions?

    • Hi Jan,

      Is your husband willing to go to counseling with you? Even if he’s too prideful to admit he needs it, tell him, “Look, I want us to have a great marriage and great sex life. Obviously, there are things getting in the way of that. I want to find out what those things are so we can enjoy one another.”

      As far as his love of porn goes, even if he doesn’t embrace a Christian perspective, he should know there are thousands of individuals in the world right now who have no religious affiliation and are ditching porn for good. They see how it is damaging their abilities to make love to a real woman and they want to be free of it. They want to connect with their wife on a personal, emotional level, not just a sexual level. They want to experience sex the way it was meant to be: the uniting of two persons in love and passion, not masturbating to pixels on a screen.

  13. Great article!
    Dan, your opinion is quite different and charged with emotion. I can sense your frustration and I’m thankful for your honesty and willingness to share your feelings. You are not wrong for how you feel. I have thought many of same things you express. Why don’t Christian wives, who are seeking to love their husbands try harder to seduce and tempt? Who’s fault is it anyway, when a spouse seeks sexual gratification elsewhere? The problem isn’t your feelings. They are perfectly normal for someone who has bought into the lies of the enemy. I know, because I was there. The problem is what you believe and right now it seems like you’re believing in yourself. Trust me, I’ve tried everything in my power to hang on to false idols as well. I even convinced myself that if my spouse believed the same things I did not only would our sex life rock, but we could overcome just about everything just by sheer desire and ability to turn to one another and escape into a world of play and fantasy anytime.Yes, we could be on the same “drug” together. We can destroy our kids and our relationship together. That way the failure wouldn’t be all on me and at least maybe we’ll have fun on the way to hell. Thankfully my spouse isn’t like me. Out of my own frustration and desperation I began to seek answers and ask Jesus to be real to me. More real than my sex addiction. I prayed that God would reveal truth and that I would learn to be honest with Him, others and myself. I stopped praying for my spouse to change. I stopped praying for God to take away desires He created in man before sin ever entered the world and twisted them around. I prayed that I would learn to understand what it feels like to be delight in by the Lord regardless of the kind of day I am having. The Bible says “seek and you will find.” I believe this goes both ways. If you want to be convinced that rebellion is enticing you’ll find those who do too. If you are leading your wife in the ways of the Lord than why would you want her to “tempt” you the way porn (sin) does? The definition of tempt (vb): entice or attempt to entice (someone)to do or acquire something that they find attractive but know to be wrong or not beneficial. Maybe you meant to say that you want to feel attractive to your wife? That would be a vulnerable statement. Maybe tempt is the wrong word lets look at the word seduce. Porn certainly seems to do that. seduce (vb): attract (someone to a belief or into a course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy. Is that what you desire from your wife? Maybe pursue: (vb) follow (someone or something) in order to catch or attract them. 2.continue to proceed along a path or route. According to one of the two definitions does your wife pursue you? Here’s a couple more. This might seem trivial but trust me. There’s truth in these simple definitions.
    Idol:
    1.An image used as an object of worship.
    2. A false god. (these are what I always thought of)
    3.One that is adored, often blindly or excessively.
    4.Something visible but without substance.

    Worship:
    admiring love or devotion

    Worthy: Good and deserving respect.
    Having enough good qualities to be considered useful and important.

    Honorable: Honest, ethical, moral, righteous, right-minded just, truthful, glorious, reliable.

    Righteous: blameless, pure, moral, upright,

    Also,
    On the basis of OT teaching (e.g. Gen. 2:24, quoted in vs. 16), reaffirmed by Jesus (Mark 10:2-12), he believes that sexual intercourse is not an inconsequential, isolated act but one uniting man and woman in an intimate, complete, and enduring bond. Consequently he is revolted by the thought that a member of Christ’s body should ever be united with the body of a prostitute. In Corinth, most of the prostitutes were slave women attached to the service of a pagan temple. It was commonly thought that any man having sexual relations with with these sacred prostitutes entered into communion with the god whom they served (cf 10:18-22)
    Idol worship….Can’t get away from it.

    So let me ask you what your wife finds attractive and desirable? What fruit are you bearing that would make a Christian woman who has the Holy Spirit living in with in her want to lay with and give her body to you? How are doing at making her feel safe and meeting her needs? If she is not desiring you and this is tearing you up figure out why. Maybe you two use to connect sexually in naughty perverse ways but you’ve since found the Lord and she gave that idol up in repentance where as you’re still hanging on to it. Maybe? This I don’t know. Are you worthy of being worshiped according to the above definitions? On your most “spiritual days” how much time does God get? On your wost days how much time does he get? How about porn, women and your sexuality? Whether your giving it attention cause your fighting it or giving into it. Thinking about it or acting on it? Then ask yourself again….What and who and am I truly worshiping and why? No need to answer here. These are just for you, Dan. I asked myself and continue to ask myself because giving up idols that we’ve been devout to since elementary school is the hardest thing to do. Without God’s mercy and saving grace it’s impossible. Extend grace to you and your wife but ask Christ to help you to stop deceiving yourself and become Lord of your life. Everyday, thank him for the truth that He is bigger and stronger than this sin is. Then ask that He be glorified in removing the false idols in your life. God Bless

  14. Thank you Luke. I appreciate your comments, but no – he won’t go to counselling. He has some significant mental health issues he has had for 40 years now and honestly believes “he doesn’t need other people’s help”. Still, I feel I understand the situation better now and can stop blaming myself all the time.
    J

  15. You’re all so concerned about yourselves. Ever think about the woman enslaved to do porn, which is by the way, just filmed prostitution. She’s been beaten and addicted to perform for men who are grooming their orgasm to hate, pain, abuse and torture. Men who use porn are women haters, sexual exploiters and abusers. And you want to keep him around? What a man of God. What a role model.

  16. Pornography is filmed prostitution. When your husbands are using porn, they are using prostituted trafficked women, many locked up and forced to perform for the cameras, deliberately addicted and beaten by their pimps (website owner, boyfriend, father, husband, minister).

    http://www.genderberg.com/phpNuke/modules.php?name=FAQ&myfaq=yes&id_cat=2&categories=Prostitution+FAQ#13

    · Q. But you agree porn and stripping aren’t prostitution, right?

    A. Of course they are. If getting paid to perform sex acts is prostitution, using a camera to record people getting paid to perform sex acts is recording prostitution. It is comforting for people to call porn performers ‘porn actresses’ to distance themselves emotionally from the truth that they pay a third party for recording of prostitutes being prostituted, but porn actresses have a lot more in common with other prostitutes than with other actresses, such as poverty, a history of child sex abuse and drug addictions.

    Strip clubs, porn, Hooters, mail order brides, and other “sex work” are the prostitution of female sexuality for male consumption. In one study, 100% of strippers interviewed said they had been propositioned as prostitutes by strip club patrons, so if you don’t think strippers are prostitutes please recognize that your opinion differs greatly from that of men who spend their money to make women submit themselves sexually in strip clubs.

    • I agree with Ella because been there done that I do not deptive my husband of sex and infact started giving even more as I learned about his addiction and still he continued and is lieing but He is becoming more free because of deep wound inside himself healing you can give him all he wants listen the addicion of porn is a side affect of a deeply rooted wound inside the addict

  17. Okay Ladies, here comes the truth…

    After 8 years, I recently told my husband that sex (in ANY form) was off the table. Regular types of affection are fine…hello kiss, goodnight kiss or holding hands…if he is still open to that.

    This is a last attempt to push the “reset” button…but not so much for him, as much as it is for ME.
    I have endured all I humanly can endure…most of all, the SHAME. This shame is what HE should have felt, but instead, it became mine to bear. Shame for the way I am not enough to satisfy him, shame for the way I am put together physically (hot, but never hot enough), shame for the mechanical way sex takes place when he decides that he needs a hole to put it in.

    The Bible says not to withhold sex “lest the devil gain a foothold for temptation”. Well, honestly, the devil has had my husband all along…in his last marriage as well as in this one. Putting out has never quelled my husband’s thirst for flirting, adultery, porn, or demanding perversion…so it is clear to me that I have become nothing more than accommodation for the devil to continue in my husband’s mind and heart.

    My husband is spitting mad. Threatened to take care of his needs on his own.
    Good. Leave me out of the equation…apparently I was never good enough…so now, kindly get the hell out of my garden.

    A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still…that is so true. Tables are now turned. No more praying as I take a shower, begging God to get me through the sexual experience.

    I have tried everything to protect myself…but one thing I did not do is refuse.

    Bliss…now I do not have to worry about what he says about my body…don’t have to get dressed in the closet…don’t have to snoop around or avoid asking him questions when I suspect anything.

    My loss is now going to be his loss…just as it rightfully should have been.

    How long he asks? Till the Lord cleanses and heals us BOTH.

    The truth is that my husband’s sin does not define the entirety of the man he is…he is otherwise a great husband. But it HAS defined where I stand in THAT area of his mind/heart…so now enter reality. Consequences.

    • Oops…forgot to tell you…he is 61 years old, and I am 59. This has been “his way” throughout his whole life…it does not cease with age. It will only cease with him grasping spiritual truth and the light of God shining into his heart and mind….I can wait, because nothing changes when nothing changes. :)

  18. As a married man struggling with a porn addiction my advice to women is in spite of what is going on with his sin, make sure you do not fustrate youur spouse by depriving him sexually, the same goes for the men, make sure your wife is in need of nothing emotionally.

  19. I have read this article and all the comments. It makes me feel both better and worse. I have confronted him about his porn and the adult dating/hookup sites I have found. He promised me that he would stop, he said I was enough for him, that he didn’t want to lose me, that even though he made profiles and messaged women(even though the messages “didn’t go through” bc he didn’t pay for the membership) that I meant more to him. Well it slowed down for a while, I even said if he could atleast only look like once a month, not every other day and I said no more hookup sites. He said he woud quit all together bc I was all he needed. Now he is at it again everytime I leave the house for almost anything. So usually atleast 1 a week up to 3 or 4 times a week. I tried being sexier. I tried stripping for him. I never withheld. I’ve tried to be better in the act. Last night just kinda blew my mind. I have a workout class on Mondays. I told him before class that I had “planned” something for after I got home. Which we did, then I find out while I was at class he pleasured himself anyway and even checked out a dating site along with the usual porn. I don’t think he takes this seriously and he seems extremely selfish when it comes to having sex and “his way”. I don’t know what else to do. Every other site says what he does is normal and has nothing to do with me and I shouldn’t worry about it or nag or check up on him. All I can say is HELP. Any and al suggestions welcomed.

    • Hi Sarah,

      I agree that watching porn is “normal,” in the sense that a lot of men do it, but it certainly doesn’t make it right. What is marriage for but to devote yourself to one person, “forsaking all others.” It is a betrayal of your confidence. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

      That said, I’m not unsympathetic to his situation. It sounds like porn has got its hooks in him. This is a real problem with many men today: its starts as an occasional pleasures, then a habit, and before you know it you can’t stop. Science is showing today that this sort of this works just like an addiction to drugs and alcohol.

      I don’t say that to excuse him. He has chosen his slavery, and now he needs to get help.

      It is true that this thing has nothing to do with you. You can act as sexy as you want, but the fact remains is that he’s trained his mind to be aroused in a particular way. The porn-watching experience has become what turns him on: the variety of women, the novelty, the forbiddenness. No woman, no matter how seductive, is going to be able to compete with an online harem.

      I say that not to discourage you, but to release the pressure you feel to fix him. This is not your job. Of course intimacy between you and your husband is important, but not as a means to get him to stop looking at porn. That is a road he must travel intentionally.

      There’s so much that can be said about him breaking free from this (and you can find a lot of that on this blog). I’d rather focus on next steps for you. I highly suggest you read these articles: “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”

  20. I’m going to try to talk to him again soon. I have made a couple of lists so hopefully I don’t forget anything. I just feel like he either doesn’t get it or is too selfish. I have read some more blogs and articles on this site, which helps to reassure me that is not me and I shouldn’t put up with it. It makes me see a real difference in having sex and being intimate. When we have sex, its usually however he wants. Sometimes he does stuff that I don’t like or that hurts a little and he ignores me when I tell him to stop. I have to basically quit moving and firmly say NO STOP. Then he will quit that specific thing and continue sex, which sometimes for me is really hard to do. I worry that when he closes his eyes his is thinking of the women in the porn. I try to be more of what he is looking for but like you said, it doesn’t work and isn’t going to . I just worry if he doesn’t quit, and we ultimately have to split that he will ruin his life. He sometimes acts to quickly without thinking. I don’t want him to be stupid and lose his job or even go to jail. We currently only have one car, which is my car that I’ve been paying when he has and hasn’t had a job. If we split how will he get to work. I worry that this habit of porn he has makes him more likely to cheat in real life should the opportunity arise, which he said he would never do(but he also said he would quit porn). Its like a roller coaster, one day it feels awesome like it should- he loves me and is sweet and our life together feels great. Then, I find the porn and I feel sick to my stomach and disgusted and don’t even want him to touch me. I hate feeling like that, I just want that feeling of being sure within our relationship. I’m worried that eventually even if he quits however long from now, that it might be too late too save our relationship- that I may not be able to feel the same about him like I should.

    • You sound like you’re wrestling with a lot of important questions. First, I recommend speaking with someone who can give you good counsel that is tailored to your situation. Use this online directory to see if there’s a good counselor nearby.

      He needs to know the seriousness of the problem by hearing how it is impacting you. As you said, you’ve already confronted him about it, but it sounds like its time to “up the ante.” He needs to know he stands a real chance of being without you (if only for a short time). You should not feel the pressure to have to perform according to porn standards, and he needs to come to grips with the fact that porn has warped his mind.

      This is obviously a delicate topic, and shouldn’t be approached recklessly. That’s why I think you need to speak to someone who can talk you through this situation with wisdom.

  21. Porn has become so all consuming and socially acceptable, it’s permeated so much of the media and culture that people assume to consume these highly produced images of multiple women is not only acceptable but even “natural”, which is a laugh.
    I can tell you now, your husband watching porn has nothing to do with your worth, and everything to do with his lack of control over impulses and internalized disrespect toward you and other women. I am young and have had modeling offers more than once in my life, im “sexually available” to my husband, im usually considered to be very attractive according to the conventional ideals, and he still looks at it anyway. I downright refuse to accept excuses of the nature of “well these women mean nothing to me, it’s just a fantasy”. well I don’t want to be with a man who can look at women in such a way as that he sees people who he uses images of to “get off” as being less than human, because what’s going on in porn, which is usually very staged and painful/traumatic for the woman involved, is REAL. that woman is a real person too, and the industry behind what he consumes treats these women terribly. There’s no amount of money in the world that can make the trauma of being humiliated and even raped on film and having that distributed all over the internet for anyone to see, for anyone to jack off to and throw way, nothing could make that pain go away. I don’t want to be with a man who sees women this way, or separates those women into a class of subhumans in his mind, as if just because someone makes poor decisions or is in a situation where they participate in porn films, means that he can readily shame them while using their sin to his advantage. No one deserves that.
    Inversely, I don’t want a man who sees every woman he looks at in porn as a potential sexual partner who he wishes he could really have sex with, because this is incredibly disrespectful to me and unfaithful. Again if it’s “just a fantasy”, why then does it occupy so much of his time and thoughts? I don’t think it’s healthy to have wide cognitive dissonance between the sex you frequently think about having, and the sex you have in real life. Despite what popular culture would want you to think, these things cannot and should not be divided. It is wrong to commodify sex and intimacy.
    I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I know he watches porn almost every day. I don’t think why this makes me or any woman in such a situation uncomfortable really needs much explanation. It honestly makes me want to withdraw from sex and intimacy, knowing he does that. It makes me feel uncomfortable around him and I can’t help not trusting him knowing he turns to porn every day like it’s nothing. No matter what he says I know it influences him, I know it changes how he looks at me and at the women around him. I don’t want to be intimate with someone like that, why would I want to make missed vulnerable to such a person? Why would I want to open up around someone who enjoys looking at images and videos of women being humiliated and exploited every day, someone who is not truly faithful or committed to me as I am to him? It occupies my thoughts so much it debilitates me and makes it nearly impossible to work on my own life. I wish I knew what to do, but I don’t think he’ll ever stop. To not stop doing something that personally hurts me so much when you claim to love me… I don’t even want to think about it

    • Hi Sylvia. You’ve obviously thought a lot about this. When you talk to him about this, aside from saying that it doesn’t impact how he sees you, what does he say? Have you expressed all of these thoughts to your husband? Does he know how you feel?

  22. Hey,
    So I came to this website because I am very interested about if men can just STOP watching porn? My husband and I have been married for 2 years, in the begining we had a couple problems and after we had been married for 6 months he watched his last video. So he says. My husband is wonderful, trustworthy, faithful and caring. He loves me and speaks kindly to me and values me and everything I say. He does whatever I ask and is still very happy. What I wonder is, even though we are happy could he still be lieing to me? He knows if I knew id probably leave him for a while but do you think its possible for a man to just stop? That he could really love me enough to just stop? He doesn’t have a very high sex drive but still makes love to me about 2 times a week, not sure If its low T or what, but growing up sex was everything to me and he grew up in a Christian house so I feel like he could be telling me the truth and hasn’t been watching, but I just want some opinions or if anyone has experience, could he of really stopped? I don’t want to have such high hopes if he really is lieing and then be heartbroken. And some people will probably find me very silly to ask these questions when it sounds like our marriage is so great, I’m just very curious because I know how many people have such big problems with it, can’t believe how he could just stop!

    • Not knowing the depths of his previous porn-viewing habits, it’s really hard to say. Can a man just stop and not look at porn (intentionally) again? Yes. Could he be lying? Yes. I’ve known many men in both situations. How frequently was he looking at porn a couple years ago?

      There are a variety of reasons why a man can have a lower-than-average sex drive: stress, anxiety, low dopamine levels, specific medications, diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure. Plus, many men have a drop in testosterone as they age. According to Dr. Harry Fisch, married people under 30 have sex about twice a week, on average (so you may be experiencing fairly average). Porn viewing can also be a cause of low libido.

      There’s no harm in continuing to build trust in your marriage. If you see an area where there could be more transparency, talk to him about it.

      In the end, relationships are risky. Hearts can be broken. People can (and will) let us down. Sometimes, they will betray us and it will hurt like nothing else. But as Christians we don’t enter into marriage with guarantees of unshakable bliss. We enter into marriage with the faith that God will use all the ups and downs of marriage to make us holy. It’s only when we stop putting our spouse on a pedestal, expecting them to be our security in life, that we can finally rest and enjoy the good gift that marriage is.

  23. This goes to Dan… You say I should be sexually available to my husband. I can only laugh out loud. I’m available 24/7 to my husband unfortunately he can’t perform sex with me because he can’t get hard without porn. There’s nothing I can do to turn him on. Only the images of porn can give him a hard on. So how exactly does ‘being available’ make him stop watching porn?

  24. Huh, my husband is laying in bed next to me at this very moment looking at porn. He said he had a problem with it but he makes no aren’t to change. We have recently gotten back together after I fired for divorce last year from his cheating. My fear is that the porn week lead him back into another women’s arms… to put it politely. How can I approach him about it without him getting defensive? It’s like he’s so callous to my feelings to be doing it right in front of me! We’ve been married for 17 years and have 2 teenage kids. A boy and a girl. Help! I want to save my marriage but I want to save me as well.

    • I suggest you both read two of our e-books. The first is Porn and Your Husband. It will give you practical tips on setting boundaries…and if he also reads it, he might glean insight into how his porn use is hurting you.

      Make sure he in particular reads our e-book The Porn Circuit as well. He may not realize it, but his porn use is changing the way his brain works, so seeing the science may give him a wakeup call.

  25. I just have a simple question for the writer of this post. What did you do about these things? Were you still being intimate with your husband when he was indulging in porn? Did you guys do couple counseling? Or did he? What steps did he take to get free from this other than prayer and what did he do to reestablish trust between you guys?

  26. it breaks my heart going through this same thing. I’m a 20 yr old pregnant mother. I had our first daughter a yr ago and am currently pregnant with our second daughter. I’ve always had insecurities about my looks that I knew even then we’re unfounded. I went from weighing 98 pounds pre pregnancy with our first to 130 at six months pregnant with our second. I just recently found out that my fiance has had an addiction to porn since he was seven. he’s promised to quit for me, but just last night I caught him watching it and lying about it. I’m at my wits end on what I can do to help work on his addiction. on top of trying to change up my looks to be sexier for him, I’ve been trying everything in my power to make him happy and distracted from the porn. been getting up with our daughter at seven in the morning and staying up with him till three in the morning to keep him distracted. I feel like I’m never going to be good enough for him to stop the porn . sometimes I even think it’d take me being in a crazy accident and getting hurt somehow for him to realize my feelings about wanting to feel wanted. I’ve asked some people for help and advice, but they’ve never been through this type of addiction or try to compare it to their relationship problems. I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m never going to be good enough

    • If you haven’t downloaded Porn and Your Husband yet, you should. It will help explain what’s going on in your fiance’s head, and give you ideas for next steps to take to help him quit.

      That being said, here are a few thoughts on your situation:

      1. You say you’re tired of feeling like you’re never going to be good enough. The depressing reality is, he’s training himself for variety through a digital harem, so right now, you aren’t “enough” (and for the record, I hate using that word because it implies that sex is his “right” – it’s not). The key phrase is “right now.” As he detoxes, he will rewire his brain to bond sexually to you and only you. This will be a long process, but if he truly quits porn and focuses on your relationship, it will happen.

      2. I’m being blatantly optimistic here, but he may not be lying about trying to quit. Many men think that because their porn use was secret, their recovery should be secret as well. Even if he’s not “addicted” to porn, it’s still addictive, and he likely will fall as he detoxes from it. You may have simply stumbled in at the wrong time. Of course, lying to you when you caught him was certainly not okay. (Neither was his porn use, but it’s an understandable failure.)

      That being said, I recommend three things:

      1. Reiterate that his porn use – and his lying about it – hurts you. Have him read “Porn and Your Husband,” which will actually give him insight into how much his porn use is tearing you up inside.

      2. Have him pick a trusted mentor to hold him accountable for his Internet use. Don’t try to do it all yourself; it will only cause you pain.

      3. Consider making his recovery a condition to getting married. Maybe it’s not 100% detox by the time you’re married, but he needs to take concrete, measurable steps toward quitting. Maybe it’s that he has chosen and met with a mentor at least 2-3 times, or even something as simple as “No computers/smartphones after 10 p.m.” If you’re going through premarital counseling, you might want to ask the counselor for some suggestions. If he doesn’t take these measurable steps, call off the engagement. You don’t want to deal with this your entire life. Even if you’re halfway through wedding planning and have bought the dress, it’s cheaper to call off a wedding than to deal with a divorce.

  27. :'( I just don’t know what to do.Three months later after we got married I found under the guests bed about 50 porn movies, I was surprised but at the same time I was like “well he was alone for so long” our relationship as a boyfriend and girlfriend was most of all by the phone because I was in a different country. Well, I acted like a normal person and asked him about them so that’s what he said because “he was alone, he entertained himself with that”….ok I throw them in a bag and took it away. Alright, everything was perfect until we got a new laptop six months later. After that, everything changed. He spent hours and hours configuring the software creating folders and I don’t know what else. One day I called his attention so he said he was playing spades online and invited me to watch him play, alright it was a wholesome entertainment. The days went by and began the nights, long nights because he stayed up until two three am “playing” so again I called his attention and talked to him let him know that I was a little uncomfortable because he was spending a little too much time on the laptop so he got mad. He started screaming and telling me that he couldn’t believe I was jealous of a computer, so ok I didn’t tell him anything else about that. I though that yes maybe I was jealous. But yes after that he stopped for like two weeks, he didn’t touch it for nothing. He started going to bed earlier than the usual, he wouldn’t wait for me, so at the time I came to bed he was sound asleep. Almost three weeks passed like that but then he started again, so now there began the real problems because at this time I didn’t tell him anything. One morning before he woke up I went trough the laptop history and yep all I found was a bunch of porn movies, so I asked him about that and again he got really mad. He told me I was crazy that it was just hallucinations so then he started using the incognito window so there’s nothing on the history but he still up late night. Our relationship began to deteriorate, we had almost not sex, there was not much confidence on my part. He didn’t wanted to touch me neither me touching him sometimes he wanted hard positions or like unusual things in bed and yes I tried to please him with all, even if it hurt my body AND my feelings, I just wanted to make him happy so wouldn’t look for it out nor watches porn. I didn’t mention anything about that for weeks, he wouldn’t accept that he watches porn anyways and I will be the crazy but I was depressed, angry, biter i got home sick, I felt trap, I was really bad. One night I was sleeping and I woke up about four am and he was still up, so I got up quietly and surprised him, he was there with the movie on and his ***** on his hands oh I was so mad I couldn’t say anything to him. The next day I tried to talk to him but again he denied everything. Right now we have been married for three years and seven months and I still know he watches it when I’m not at home, he does it when he is at work, on his cellphone and he still doesn’t accept that he has a problem. Right now I’m just like the housekeeper, no sex no communication, no affection? A part of me misses him but the other part feels disgust, anger, hatred. Right now more when three weeks ago I broke into his cellphone and :'( found that he has been looking on craigslist casual encounters and myredbook and a phone number that he said he doesn’t know who’s that. The worst thing is that he still doesn’t accept anything of that. We have not kids yet but my status migratory will be on risk if we get divorce. I just don’t know what to do or how because he doesn’t accept it so I can not help him. Sadly, when I know we have not had the best relationship for so long already I’d like to fix our marriage but I can’t by myself.
    Please I need advices.
    Thanks!

    • Hi Merceditas,

      Your story is heartbreaking. It’s sad that there are so many men out there with loving wives who waste all their energy on a computer screen.

      First, I understand your position is fragile, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put up boundaries with your husband. I highly recommend you read our book, Porn and Your Husband. It is totally free to download if you use this link. I also recommend you read through some of the articles in our “Rebuild Your Marriage” category.

  28. It is so nice to know that there are other women out there who feel the same way I do. Not I would wish this pain on anyone, it is just nice to read through al the comments and know that some how even though I feel all alone I really am not. I have you all who are going through something similar. I wish it wasn’t this way. I married my husband almost two years ago when porn was not in his life. I married him because I knew he didn’t watch porn. We just had a child together at the beginning of the year and I noticed he was spending more and more time on his phone than with his family. From the minute he woke up until the minute he went to bed he was on his phone. I confronted him a month ago and he was very defensive and didn’t like me confronting him about this. He said he would stop. I also noticed his eyes were wondering more and more, he would say she looks good doesn’t she and other comments of other girls and If I just had their dress or those boots or her hair. I tried to let it go hoping he was actually not watching those videos. He stopped for two weeks, the sex was better he was more into it and I felt like things were looking up. I would love to have it at least three times a week, however he said all he wants to do is cuddle and hold me. I talked to him again about the porn because I looked on his phone and saw that he had been watching video after video after video for days and weeks. I confronted him again and he said it is something that will always be in his life. It is not something he can stop doing. WOW You have chosen porn over real sex with a real person who you vowed your marriage to. We both went into this marriage knowing that cheating is not what we will do to each other and divorce is not an option. Who knew it would come to this. Porn is cheating no matter how you put it. He is lusting after many women and those images are in his mind forever. He probably goes back to those images while we have sex. I just don’t know how much more I can take of this. How do I draw the line? what do I tell him to make him realize this is a real issue? I need help I can’t even focus at work anymore this is on my mind all the time. What about our baby?
    I gave him a hand job recently he was limp most of the time and he said that wasn’t the first time he jacked off limp and still came. So we had sex four days after that and he went limp very fast, nobody enjoyed that night. I told him he has PISD or ED by porn. He is in denial and doesn’t think anything is wrong with him. I am not sure how many conversations I have to have with him so it sinks in. He gets so pissed when I even say the word, like it is something I am not allowed to say and I am not allowed to talk to anyone about this. he told me not to talk to his mother about this.
    I feel so lost and so empty. I am having nightmares and starting to sleep walk again I am not enough for him and I am so afraid our marriage is over. He might have made a commitment to me but his eyes have not committed to me.

    • Hi Destroyed,

      It is aggravating to hear about men like your husband. I understand the self-deception because I used to be trapped in that mindset as well, but it is still frustrating.

      We published a book a while back for men who are experiencing problems in their love life because of porn. (It takes a purely secular approach and addresses the impact of porn on the brain.) If you think your husband might read it, pass it along. You can download the book, The Porn Circuit, here.

      Wives facing these situations need to practice boundaries with their husband. This is difficult to do, but vital to save your sanity. I recommend you watch this video about that.

    • Hi Marie: The best way to explain how I enabled him would be to say that I never brought it to the light. I hid his addiction because I was scared and ashamed.
      I was scared to admit it to myself. I was scared that it was out of my control. I was scared that I would end up divorced and alone.
      I was ashamed for my husband. I was ashamed that I wasn’t a good enough wife. I was ashamed that our marriage wasn’t as good as everyone else’s.

      Shame, guilt and fear drove me to protect the secret. I enabled my husband to continue with his addiction because I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought of every thing that could be done to change him and to change his desires, but at the end of the day the ONLY answer was to bring it to the light.
      In retrospect, I allowed myself to die slowly, day by day. I wish now that I would have gone to friends, family or a trusted mentor, advisor or pastor. It was out of my own foolishness and/or pride, that I protected the secret.

      My challenge to you today, is to ask yourself why are you protecting the secret?

  29. I am hurt right now as my husband put a lock on phone and on his browser on his phone you are still able to view the browser history. He left for fishing today and i felt wrong looking at his browser history but my gut feeling told me to do it, internet porn has been an issue in the past and i have caught him in the act on a couple occasions. I have reacted by being upset and then he reacts by being upset and ignoring more days like i did something wrong. This hurts so bad and today when i saw the last seven day history in his browser and it was all porn breaks my heart. I work from and i am home all day with him, he hasnt come home yet to confront this. I pray to god that he gives me the strength to be able to confront this in the right and calm mannered way.

    • I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. It is sad how many men out there wrestle with this sin.

      It is great to hear that you want to confront him in a calm and loving manner. Pray God will enable you be both compassionate and firm. Calmness is good, but don’t mistake calmness with being non-confrontational.

      You might enjoy this post about steps you can take at this moment. Hopefully, it will bring some clarity.

      In the end, the important thing to get across to him is what you expect of him, and not just about the porn. Certainly, you should say that you expect him not to look at porn, but you should also communicate that you expect him to get help from someone if he finds it hard to stop, and that you expect him to be honest with you about the nature and depth of this struggle. Ask questions about how long it has been going on, when he first started watching porn, when it turned into a habit, and how he feels about it. When you have this conversation, please come back here and let me know how it went.

      If you need some help wrapping your mind around relationship recovery expectations, here’s another article you might enjoy.

  30. Lol Porn is the best and all comments that support this post are from prude, christian housewives who deprive their husbands of stimulation. “Like dogs do it? Absolutely Not!” Grow up and enjoy yourselves whilst at least someone is interested in you.

  31. I found out that my husband had been going to live porn websites for years. I had a suspicion and told him that I hope he didn’t because to me that was cheating. I have to say that I try not to complain to my husband, so for me to say something to him was a big deal, and I did it nicely. To my disappointment, he continued going to live web sites, having live web sexual experiences with women. When I found out I was devastated, I couldn’t believe that the man I thought I knew would do this to me. I wanted to leave him but then I found out I was pregnant, (which was a blessing since he didn’t want to be intimate with me). So now I struggle, my daughter is the best thing to have ever happen to me, how do I raise her right when all I do when I look at her father is feel disappointed? I need help!

    • I can so relate to what you said here: that confronting the problem was a big deal for you, you did it nicely, and it had no impact. I’m so sorry! That’s so hard.

      I don’t know if you had a chance to look at the book that’s referenced in April’s author notes at the bottom of the post? Hope After Porn is one of our most popular downloads, and it’s free. It’s the story of four different women and what they did in situations similar to yours. Each story talks about the boundaries that each person chose, which I think is really valuable. There’s not a one-size-fits-all, for-sure way to go. We all have to consider our own individual situations, and make the best choices we can.

      I hope as you read through the resources here at Covenant Eyes, you’ll feel supported to make decisions that are healthy and right for you and your daughter. We write about boundaries a whole lot here. Here’s a link to one of our articles. I think about boundaries as if they’re the front door on our house. We all have one. We close it and lock it to protect ourselves and our families from harm. Emotionally, we need to have the same capacity to decide what we let in our lives, and to close the door against things we don’t want in our lives.

      The other thing I hope you’ll find here is that we believe in healing. We believe in hope. We know that people CAN get better. Of course we also know that it takes time, and effort, and a ton of work and commitment on the part of the person who has the addiction. Lots of the articles here are about that process of getting free from addiction and what that looks like, but here’s one in particular that you could pass along to your husband, if he’s interested in what change might be like for him.

      While you’re dealing with all this, I hope you’ve got people around you who can support you through it? If it’s hard to talk to friends and family, sometimes a counselor can be a huge help as you think through your boundaries and decide what to do next. We recommend checking the website at the American Association of Christian Counselors, for a counselor in your area.

      I hope some of those resources will help you. Please let me know if you have other questions.

      Blessings,
      Kay

  32. Thanks for your article, ive downloaded your ebook. I hope it can offer me some peace as I’m really really struggling with this and it’s affecting my ability to be a mother as it’s all in my head and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m neglecting my children because I’m so filled with rage, sorrow and heartbreak and my kids deserve better. It’s not their fault i don’t meet my husbands ideals of what classes as an attractive person. He may not say it but i know, I’m not stupid. I’m not the big breasted Jennifer Lawrence he craves and obviously sees as his ideal women cos I certainly don’t see him googling fat girl next doors. I’m overweight with breasts that have fed 2 small children, my thighs are dimpled with cellulite, i don’t have the perfectly cut and colored hair of a porn star instead i have a 140 cm of plain brown hair that isn’t cut, i always saw it as my crowning glory, my beautiful long brown hair but now I see in his mind it doesnt compare to them, ive carried 2 children in this stomach, its not the flat belly he adores. I thought if I excite things up, if i buy a new wardrobe, loose a few dress sizes, take a real interest in my looks he would to. But now I see the truth. Its not me, it’s not my fault, I did everything I was meant to do and still im not enough. All i am is a cook, a gardener, a housekeeper, a tailor, an incubator for children, a babysitter, he doesn’t need me as a lover. He already has his whores

    • Oh Hailey, I’m so sorry. But you’re right, it’s not about you or how you look. Even if you were “perfect” (whatever that is!) it wouldn’t be enough. It’s not about you. It’s about the addiction. Ultimately, he will have to take responsibility for himself.

      And you will have to take responsibility for yourself as well.

      You can see how this is impacting your kids–to say nothing of how it’s impacting you. I hope the ebook helps, and I hope you can find someone local to you, maybe a pastor, therapist, or support group to help you process through the pain you’re experiencing. From your reference to your hair length in cm, I’m guessing you’re not in the States! I am not very familiar with support systems other than in the US, but xxxChurch has some online groups for spouses that might be helpful to you.

      You might also appreciate the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It’s not specific to porn, but the principles apply to all sorts of situations in marriage where boundaries are required.

      Let me know if those things help and if you have further questions. Kay

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