Porn and Your Husband

Porn and Your Husband Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

266 thoughts on “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask (Part 1 of 3)

  1. I had a long distance relationship with my fiancé who I stayed with he used porn before I met him. And while we were on webcam he used it with me until I caught him. I still feel worthless he quit and attends meetings for 2 years now. But he really has no desire for sex with me unless he wants it. I suffer daily for the past 3 years. Hes been reading books on how to relearn everything. There’s really nothing I can do wear say to him to turn him on. I’m lonely and sick feeling everyday. I forgave him and love am inlove with him.. I stayed cause he admitted it and got help. I never yelled or said bad things to him but when I complain about what I want he acts like its my fault but say I had nothing to do with it and sometimes makes the wrong comments like well I had you here on the screen and porn in the other corner. The clicking mouse drove me nuts till I realized what it was. He would rather fly planes on the pc or read his kindle. We started a life together I also have grown kids my daughter who lives with us. She has seen me suffer from the first knowing of it. I want to be loved not just him give me signals and then go to bed.

    • Florence, I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered these last few years. Recovery involves much more than simply stopping the sexual acting out. Addicts almost always also struggle with lying, anger, selfishness, other addictive escaping behaviors (like video games), and a lack of empathy for those they have harmed. It sounds like your fiance is not truly in recovery. I also wonder if he has even truly stopped the pornography according to his low sex drive with you. You didn’t mention if you ended up marrying him, but it sounds like you haven’t. After three years of such misery and with no vows or papers tying you to him, do you think you may be better off leaving the relationship? When someone has been attending meetings and claims to be in recovery for two years and yet things have not changed much between the two of you, something is not right. If you were marreid to this man my advice would be different, but since you are not it sounds like removing yourself from this painful situation may be the best idea. The initial breaking of the attachment bond, comfort and security you have formed with him will be so difficult, but once you move past that you will be able to focus on picking up the pieces of your own life and healing for yourself. You will be able to experience joy again. You did nothing to cause this and you deserve better.

    • I was just wondering how many of you have actually caught your man in the act? I can’t tell you how many times that I have caught mine or even heard him. I just don’t understand why he does this. We have been together for 20yrs and this has really gotten worse in last 3yrs.I had caught him a few times previously before but I just brushed it off as nothing. But it has gotten so bad now, the he has done when family and friends has came by to visit. And I have gotten to the point to where I don’t even invite anyone over anymore. When I try to talk to him about it he either says that he was doing nothing or like now it’s none of my business.

    • Tell him it is your business. While I don’t think you need to be rude to him, you should be firm: he needs to know that you don’t approve his use of porn and you think it is harming your relationship. It is harming your relationship both because of how it is shaping his sexuality and because of the secrecy around it.

  2. What PORN is doing —causing IMPOTENCE IN YOUNG MEN! i never thought young men could become this way until reading how women arent having sex with husbands except once a MONTH, and then THEY have ot BEG for it–cause hubby is DONE! Women need to get upset even more than now
    50 Shades of Grey is the book of female porn–it could affect us MORE than men since we have a ‘spaghetti’ brain
    men and women can stop porn viewing BUT little could take the images out of your head–they could be in there forever

  3. I have a theory: if hubby is under 30 and wants sex with you only once a week or once every two weeks, it could be a PORN PROBLEM. Unless he has a job thats extremely physical and takes EVERYTHING out of him—men are ready every 72 hours as a rule

    • Sapphire,

      You are exactly right. I am an older woman 60 and have been married for over twenty years. My husband has been doing this for a long time. He is 63 but he can no longer function with me. He’s told me that he is not attracted to me anymore which I can understand because I am older. But from what I understood from a counselor was that weight usually doesn’t matter if you have a good relationship. I could never form the good relationship with the young women online. I was 38 when I had married him and weighed 110. He says it’s my fault because I don’t do anything to make him turned on. I had sex five times a day with my first husband and this husband is just really addicted. The reason why I am responding is that I have noticed in the several offices where I have worked over the last 10 years, many twenty something women are complaining and I have always believed that it was the porn. The porn will turn their private parts to a weenie after some time. I also found out that they become immune to what they are viewing and some keep wanting to see younger and younger women until they reach the unthinkable.

  4. My boyfriend still does it & lies to my face. He can’t perform with me except about half the time an when he does he can’t ejaculate for me. He blames being tired, distracted or his medication. But I know when he’s lying to me. I can tell by his behaviors. Behavior doesn’t lie. He hasn’t admitted it to anyone but me, insists we keep his secret & refuses to get help for himself. I am heartbroken & a recovering addict who has a feelings disease. In the past I have relapsed over feelings of inadequacy & felling unloved, not good enough or rejected. Those are my biggest triggers. Also feelings of betrayal. He is aware of all this & continues to hurt me regardless. I am at the end of my rope. He is so loving & supportive in every other way. Our sex life has improved. But nonetheless, he won’t change without help & he refuses to get it. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough or like I will never be enough for him. What do I do?

    • My boyfriend does the same. It’s called delayed ejaculation and he only can have it through masturbation. It’s very difficult. I would like to have romantic sex but he isn’t capable. I have the same feelings as you are experiencing.

    • Your story is almost identical to mine, except my boyfriend doesn’t have any issues with ejaculation. Our sex life is fine, just a little less often than a year ago. It’s always great in the beginning. I feel same way about myself as you are describing. Difference is not so much the porn, but the sex chat lines, hookup sites ect. I don’t know what else to do.

    • I know how you feel!! My husband of 12 years always rejected me and we went for long periods of time without sex. The rejection I felt tore my heart out for so long. I have seen his phone with more than 85 porn videos.. Pirn pictures that he has collected over the years and he is still in denial! He says its normal!! I’m sick of feeling not good enough, boobs aren’t big enough, not sexy enough , and just the loose eyes he has for anything with boobs!! He won’t get help and i have finally made the decision to leave!!! im worth more than this!!! he lives raunchy nasty women and im the exact opposite! love is not suppose to hurt ladies.. make your decision ladies…. things won’t change..!!

    • I think that the most important way to deal with your problem is to have a strong community of others that share your problem and want to fix it. I’m part of a facebook group that can really help you called Spouses of Porn Addicts Support Group. Feel free to join the community so we can all work to solve our partners problems together.

    • I can totally relate to leann and michelle, My story is too painful and long to share here. My hisband is not only a porn addict, he lso has anger management problems so u know what happens eah time I talk about it. He says it he is not an addict although i have more than enough evidence to prove it, Worse, he keeps insisting there is a missing’ connection’ between us after some misunderstandng in the beginning of our marriage.He has been treating me like dirt . Why am I still with him? My first husband had ED and I only found out after marriage, this time around no one will believe me. I have to tay for the sake of family too. But i have no kids and think my depression will get worse after having one. My family has done so much for him and it hurts when he treats me this way.

    • Hey Regina, thanks for sharing with us. I’m sorry things are so hard for you and your husband. It sounds like you feel really trapped and frustrated and helpless. And it’s true, there’s very little we can do about the choices that others make. I wish we had more control! But we just don’t! We talk a lot about boundaries for spouses here on the blog. I don’t know if you’ve read any of those articles? Check this one out, and let me know what you think.

    • I am having the same problem. In the beginning of our relationship we had gone an entire year without even making out. I felt like a piece of meat. After bringing it up to him he got a lot better but lately he will get up out of bed in the morning and go out to the couch to masturbate. I don’t know how many times I walk out on him and he tries to play it off like he was getting ready for me.. He also has to get himself off when we have sex. He has never just let it happen. He says he wants to get married and have kids and he is so sweet and loving all the time except when we are in bed.. I need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of him cheating because he doesn’t seem interested. I walked out in lingerie last night and got nothing but a glance… It makes me feel so worthless and like I need to be a porn star to be attractive to him.

    • Hey Madison, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I hope we can provide some help and support for you here.

      Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about boundaries while dating. Here’s the link. I don’t know if that helps you think through how you want to handle this. Here’s another article that addresses this issue of ED. This is becoming so common, and actually sometimes it’s the thing that will motivate men to finally work toward recovery. There is no way you can be pretty enough to combat this–it just doesn’t work that way. I think what really needs to happen is this: he needs to deal with his addiction. He’s got to do some serious work to get himself out of this, if the relationship is going to have a healthy future. Here’s yet another article! This one is practical steps and spiritual resources for men in recovery, if he’s willing to have that conversation. Obviously, a number of things would have to change.

      I know it’s really hard to remember, but this is NOT about you. This is NOT about you being a worthless, unattractive person. This is about addiction and what he needs to do to recover. Recovery is completely, totally possible! It’s a lot of work, it takes time, it’s painful, but it’s absolutely possible.

      I think it’s really important for you to think through what your own boundaries will be. I think your concerns about future cheating are really legitimate. Sadly, that happens when sexual addiction spirals out of control. I know you have hard choices to make. I hope the materials here on the website will be helpful. Please let me know if I can point you toward other materials as well.

    • I’ve been married four years,but we’ve been together for eleven years total. This past June I tried to kill myself because my husband’s addiction to porn has mentally and emotionally destroyed me. When I got out of the hospital he told me that he never really understood that what he was doing was effecting so deeply. (I can’t count how many times and in different ways I have explained to him the toll it was taking on me.) He said that the image of me attempting to take my own life would be enough to stop him from any temptation or urge to view porn ever again. (For a few months I took his word for it) . Then I checked the Google history on his phone. He views porn all the time even while he’s at work. (During the second year of our relationship (prior to realizing that he had an addiction) I entertained his idea to watch porn together, as a couple. At that point watching porn did not cause him physical arousal. I asked him about it and he said that he needs to be physically touched to get an erection.) A week after my suicide attempt, he started experiencing symptoms of ED. He has been diagnosed with low testosterone and has been on hormone replacement therapy for two in a half weeks. So far, there hasn’t been any improvement with his ED. I can’t take this anymore. I love him, but he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem and get the help he needs. I know I need help because his addiction is literally destroying me. Together we have four children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest is 3. I don’t know what to do anymore and my efforts toward trying to salvage this relationship are diminishing. Anti-depressants aren’t working and I’m quickly slipping back to that bad place. I don’t know what to do, I am broke and have no place that me and my kids can go. I know I can’t stay here and let him destroy me.

    • Andrea, my heart just breaks for you. And I’m so sad that your husband is unwilling or unable to get the help he needs. It sounds like he may have good intentions, but is so addicted that he’s unable to follow through, and that’s impacting him now with the ED. Both of you are missing out on a relationship that could be life-giving to you both, and that is a huge, terrible loss. I’m not surprised this has impacted you so deeply.

      My concern at this point is for your safety and well-being. Whatever your husband chooses, you have your own health to consider–to say nothing of how this has to be impacting your children. I think you need the support of a good counselor (check the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area). Also, groups like Celebrate Recovery can be enormously helpful, and they are free and available in many churches around the country.

      I also hope that your close friends and family know what’s going on with you, so they can provide support to you as well. This is just way too much for you to carry on your own.

      When you come to a place like this, you’ll want to consider what your boundaries need to be. Clearly, you’re unable to go on as you have been before. I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It might be encouraging for you to see how other women have handled their boundaries in situations like yours. Also, Luke just recently put together a list of all our top articles for women, which might provide some ideas for you as well.

      Let me just say this. When you’re extremely depressed, and it sounds like you have been for some time now, your brain turns off its “possibility thinking” and goes into pure survival mode. It’s really common to feel trapped, to feel that nothing can change, to feel that there are no other options besides the terrible one you’re in right now. But here’s the thing.

      God is never, ever, ever out of options. He loves you and walks with you and mourns with you and REDEEMS even when we have no idea how that could be possible. I agree with you that this situation looks terrible, and I have no idea what lies ahead of you yet. I only know that God walks with you and He will never let you go. He’s provided people around you to be the Body of Christ to you right now. I get to be maybe one little pinky finger of that right now. Your family and friends and support group and therapist get to be other parts. You’re wounded and you need to be carried, and there is a Body that’s supposed to do that for you right now, until you can walk again on your own.

      Prayers for you today–Kay

  5. Ella, as opposed to Florence, I am married to the man so I’m wondering what your advice would be. I don’t think our situation is as extreme as hers but my husband hasn’t looked at porn for about 2 1/2 years of which we’ve been married 16 months. I’d like to have sex multiple times a week but he’ll only initiate it once or twice. I’m glad to initiate sometimes but get discouraged when I’m rejected and would honestly like to be pursued more often than pursue. He’s not excited about lingerie, “dirty” pictures of me, me talking “dirty”, or most of my sexual advances. Thank God he does not play video games. He works out regularly,watches a few TV shows and ESPN but not excessively. It just seems like he only wants sex when he wants it–which has nothing to do with me. When I used to ask him about his low libido and if I could help at all he was very defensive and took it as an attack on his manhood. Now he’s more receptive and does connect it with years of addiction to porn but I want to see some healing! By God’s grace I wasn’t exposed to porn and was a virgin when we married and I know the amazing freedom I feel in the marriage bed. I want him to feel the same thing! What can I/we do?

    • I feel I may have to agree with the above comment. He might still be viewing porn. My husband (newlyweds, were just past a year) was caught out and then ‘ended it’. Unfortunately after a few months of the same thing… Not having sex often I eventually found out the porn was still going on. There’s an article online (maybe was on here) that mentions that porn encourages lying and my gosh had he been lying.
      He is truly sorry for it. But it still goes on months later. God is my only source of trust and love. And should always be. I hope things begin to become clearer and easier for you. I hope I’m wrong about your husband. Just don’t forget, we may not be able to fix this … And the husband may not be able to either, but God can.
      Work at it. Encourage and uplift your hubby but don’t trust him in difficult circumstances. From where I stand I think it should be okay to ‘keep an eye on him’ without hurting him etc. definitely seek counselling through pastors or leaders at your church, or if you don’t go to church seek out a counsellor who would encourage putting an end to porn and associated activities.
      Praying for you

    • Hi everyone
      Iv been married for 7 years and been with my husband for 10.
      I knew he sometimes watched porn, I found out 4 years ago and we had a bad arguement and he made me feel like I was wrong cos all men do it sometimes. So I let it be.
      But then I got pregnant last year and found out that he had also been going to strippers for ten years and has a severe porn addiction.
      I faced him with all of it and he went crazy. He has stopped going to strippers but I don’t know for how long
      He blamed everything on me.
      He denies it all, iv cought him since watching porn we will lie and get angry and blows if I mention it.
      I am attractive, I know that but I still feel so low and hurt.
      He just lied. He wants to hide and watch and mastrubate.
      He watches women mastrubating and changing etc
      I don’t get that. I’m sooo hurt
      I want to stop loving him cos his not worth my love. I really need help.
      Iv tried everything but he won’t admit anything.
      Also because I’m asian he says a non asian woman would not be like me
      And I’m pathetic and insecure
      He knows I’m telling the truth but he still calls me nasty names and insults me.

    • Sarah, what your husband is doing to you is mean-spirited and cruel. A while back I wrote an article called “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn” where I address men like your husband. He needs to ask himself if this is really the man he wants to be. Does he want to be a man who loves one woman well, or does he want to be a man who is always sneaking off to get his fix from his computer or from the woman who he has to pay to like him?

      I highly recommend you get this free e-book and read it: Porn and Your Husband. It will help you to think about what you need to do next.

    • A little more than than two weeks I discovered my husband had subscribed to an online dating service and listed himself as single. He has been having conversations with at least 8 women at a time. Many of these have shared nude pictures of themselves and he has shared some with them as well. I know he has has a problem in the past with porn but this is the first time he has ever carried on conversations with anyone on line. He’s lied about his age, marital status. I’ve even found out he has met some of the women in person. When I confronted him, all he will say is I don’t look,the same as I did when we married. Did I mention we’ve been married 31 years? I can’t even begin to share the anguish I have felt over this. I have tried so many times to talk to him, discuss the problem and he refuses to talk about it. According to him, it’s all my fault. I am a Christian and the thought of my marriage being over scares me to
      death. We’ve decided to separate . I wish he would just go ahead and have sex with one of these women so I can file for a divorce based on adultery. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

    • Hey Beth, I am so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I know you know this, but let me just say it: this is NOT about how you look! He’s making really sad choices and lying to himself, to you, and to these other women. That is not about how you look! That’s about how he feels inside himself, and his inability to deal with that in a healthy way. His choices are NOT your fault!

      I’m actually encouraged that you’ve decided to separate, under the circumstances. Of course, that is not what we wish for when we get married, but sometimes it’s sadly necessary. It sounds like he is not prepared to take responsibility for himself, and it does concern me that his bad choices could impact your health, if he decides to become sexually active with some of these women. It certainly seems as if his choices are escalating in that direction.

      I totally understand your desire for closure in this, especially since it looks like he’s not willing to do any work toward recovery. I would say this: don’t worry about whether your feelings are wrong. Your life has been turned upside down, and you’re going to have all kinds of feelings. Whatever your feelings, just make good, healthy choices for yourself. Get lots of support, because you’re going to need help as you think through what’s next. I’d suggest counseling. You can find someone in your area through the American Association of Christian Counselors. There’s also good support through Celebrate Recovery, which has groups in lots of places.

      Let me know if those things help at all. Blessings, Kay

  6. My daughter is in love with a man who has a pornography addiction. She says she loves him and can’t believe that the “side effects” of his addiction will be a problem for her and her children. What do I say to her? Her brother is a heroin addict and she loathes him. When I compare the heroin addiction to the porn addiction she thinks I’m exaggerating, but I believe both are addictions. She has always been a straight arrow. I’m completely at a loss.

    • Great question, JustTheMom. It will probably be very difficult to convince your daughter about the gravity of the problem for two reasons: (1) she’s in love and that’s not an easy thing to shut down, and (2) the seriousness of his addiction hasn’t really surfaced (yet). A few questions:

      1. Is he open about his addiction with her: is it just something he accepts as part of his life and doesn’t care what she thinks?
      2. How does she feel about him looking at porn? Not just the addiction part: how does it make her feel knowing he’s masturbating to images of thousands of other women online?

  7. I’ve been married five years now and always had a freakish side in me and do enjoy porn.in fact my husband and i would watch it together, make our own videos,etc. Todaywe decided to watch a porn and i ran across one that consists of nothing but women, but as if they are interacting one on one with the viewer…this blew me away. When i asked my husband about it who was right there with me, his response was o well you know i like porn. This is more than porn, he is literally placing himself right then and there and even fantasizing a true connection with these actresses. At that point i consider it cheating and am livid to even be around him right now. He always wants sex, but will not initiate anything unless I’m asleep. ???, I’m so confused and distraught right now about this

    • Coco, So many have introduced porn to their relationship or participated in it willingly, completely unaware of the dangers to the mind and to the relationship. After all, society is very accepting of porn, as if watching it in normal and even healthy. By watching porn with or without your partner, you are both playing with fire. I recommend the book Wired for Intimacy by Dr. William Struthers for more detail on how porn affects the brain. However, I will just say that when one of you is consistently watching porn there is no intimacy (emotional connection) in the relationship, regardless of whether you are watching it together. There are many reasons for this but one is that neither of you are emotionally present with the other during sex if you are watching or fantasizing about someone else. Over time this will pull you farther and farther apart in every area of your relationship. The fact that he always wants sex, but will only initiate when you are asleep is an example of his discomfort with intimacy. He wants to use your body, but does not want you. He has conditioned his brain to see women as nothing but objects, even if he is unaware of this. When you are asleep he does not have to worry about talking to you or relating to you in any sort of emotional way. This is classic of a porn addict. Like any addiction, sex/porn addiction is progressive and will only get worse. I would like to ask you though, you say you feel cheated on (and I agree), but how is what he is doing any more wrong than what you are doing? You are both fantasizing about other people. You are both being unfaithful in your minds and hearts. One last thought: The male brain responds to porn differently than the female brain. You may be addicted to porn yourself, but it sounds like you are able to enjoy it occasionally without using it compulsively. While it is still damaging your brain, your husband is likely using porn way more often than you know. You both need significant professional help and your husband needs treatment for porn/sex addiction. It is a deadly lie that porn can add spice to your marriage and sex life. Porn will kill your marriage and the only hope you have is to completely remove it from your lives. This may sound extreme. I used to be fairly open-minded to the occasional use of porn, but learned the hard way how damaging it is.

    • My fiance/ baby father is addicted to porn pics, and videos, even moreso, I had his phone the other day and found porn pics on his facebook page….right under pics of our newborn son. I asked him, ” do you remember when we first met?, do you remember seeing our little son on the sonogram at the Dr’s office?, do you remember my painful back labor 2 days before my painful delivery? …he answered yes thoughtfully to all these questions, then I landed it on him with, ” I want you to think about all this whenever you go to look at some faked boobed half naked bitch, who has no respect for herself or other women.” I also told him the bible says if you can’t refrain from looking lustfully at a woman who is not your wife, you would be better off removing your eyes. I was pissed and hurt. Still am. He said that this is a spiritual battle. I asked him if this is what he is thinking about when we have sex. Is he projecting a fantasy of whatever nasty things he has been watching while we have sex. He said no, but then said that he only does it when he gets mad at me. This is hard because he is a good man and great dad in every other aspect of our relationship. But I cant accept this

    • Hey Tiffany, I’m glad you wrote in. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but glad we can be a support to you as you decide what to do next. Of course you’re hurt and angry–those are perfectly normal emotions to have when your relationship is being threatened. I agree that you don’t have to accept this. Your fiance needs to take responsibility for his choices, and work toward recovery if the relationship is going to be healthy. If he makes good choices, then he’ll be trustworthy again.

      He needs a plan and he needs to work the plan. Here’s an article with some ideas for guys who want to get out of a porn habit. You might try passing that along to him, and seeing what he thinks about it.

      Meanwhile, you’ll need to think about your own boundaries, and you’ll need support as you consider how to respond to this in a healthy way. You might find a support group in your area through Celebrate Recovery. Many churches have these, to help us deal with all the bumps and bruises of life. Also, many women find personal counseling to be really helpful, and the American Association of Christian Counselors has therapists all over the country. Here’s a list of articles from the blog that you might find helpful. And you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn.

      I hope those resources will be helpful to you as you work through this situation. Let me know if you have more questions. Kay

  8. I never thought of myself as a prude but the terrible pain I feel at my husband’s porn habits makes me feel like one. My husband works at night and I work during the day. He only works part time. On nights that he’s not working he stays up alone all night with the computer. I’ve found enough evidence to know that porn and beautiful women are a part of his internet routine. I know that men compartmentalize and I’ve heard that I shouldn’t take it personally. Yet if I could I would look him in the eyes and tell him I used to think that I was a desirable woman, but I don’t anymore. I would tell him that what he does alone doesn’t just affect him, but me too. I would tell him that it’s getting harder and harder for me to have sex, because I feel like such a terrible failure when I can barely turn him on and he can never have an orgasm. I would tell him I ache because he never glances at my body anymore. I would also tell him I understand, that I could never and will never be able to compete with this young beautiful bodies. In return he would gently tell me that these are my issues…not his. That he doesn’t have a problem with porn, but that he does look at it. He would say it sweetly and kindly and make me almost forget that he has no intention to change.
    And so I’m left with the question. How do you go on? The only way I can bare the pain of it is when I pretend it’s not there…but inevitably the evidence surfaces and my heart breaks all over again. The anguish I feel sometimes feels unbearable. One thing I wanted to be to my husband is a desirable woman and he desires me not in the least—not the way he wants these countless other much younger, much more beautiful women. To be honest, when I allow myself to think about this it makes me wish I had never met him. Not because I don’t love him but because the pain is so great and permanent, and I wouldn’t hurt this way if I’d never allowed myself to love him. But what can I do about that now. Instead I sob here in front of the computer, after finding the most recent evidence. I cry alone and tomorrow I will smile and pretend that I don’t know anything. And in a few weeks, when I get up the courage and emotional strength to initiate sex with him I will pretend not to notice that I don’t fully arouse him, that he’s not looking at me during, and I’ll try not to cry when he can’t organism. And do you know what the saddest thing is? That I’m typing this all with the hopes that he will see it, feel what I feel for just a moment.

    • Oh Rain, my heart breaks for you. Let me tell you I have sat with numerous couples in the couch in front of me. Many times those wives looked just like the younger, beautiful women you are describing. The ones we see on the cover of magazines. And often their husband wants nothing to do with them sexually. Pornography pollutes the brain so badly that even if objectively finds his wife attractive, he often no longer sexually desires her. It isn’t about what she looks like. I know that is hard to believe, but this is true. It is about the fact that no woman can compete with 100 images or more in 5 minutes. No real woman can compete with the kind of sex that is all about him where he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her or saying the right things or even looking her in the eyes. Those things are too close to imtimacy and a sex addict has an intimacy disorder. Intimacy terrifies him. He begins to prefer sex with himself where he knows just what he likes and how he likes it and where he can fantasize easily about multiple different people and activities. None of this is natural. None of this is how God designed it and a healthy man will crave sex with a real woman over masturbation. But a sex/porn addict is so brain damaged, due to what he has exposed his brain to. This is all actually very much based in science. Brain scans have shown this type of damage. Those with much greater understanding of the brain than I have have explained how pornography rewires the brain and causes so much harm. And another thing to remember. Your husband had this problem before he ever met you. So what do you do? The sad truth is that your husband will most likely never change unless he believes he will lose you if he doesn’t get help. Threats that are not followed through with reassure him that he can get away with these behaviors and he will continue, not because he wants to hurt you but because the addiction is more powerful than you or I can imagine. I can promise you that the problem will not just go away on its own with time and it will only get worse, as addiction is progressive.

    • Hi hun I have just cried reading your page because I am going through the same thing right now. My husband is addicted also and each time I find him out he says ‘No more’ but I find more. I feel unattractive, unsexy, feel like I have nothing and I dont know what to do anymore as he continues to hurt me over and over again with all this filth. But he wont talk to me about it. I am such a lovely soft hearted person with lots of love to give but I can’t love him the way I used to now.

    • my husband has not had sex with me in 2 years. I am an attractive woman. He sleeps in our 10 yr olds room with his laptop. she sleeps with me. he is a recovering alcoholic. he has not addressed this addiction. i am so wanting intimacy with a man that i am afraid of what choices i will make.

    • Hi Janelle,

      Thank you for your honesty. It is good that you are acknowledging your own weaknesses right now. Find a good friend or mentor you can talk to about these things. It will help you to stay level-headed amidst all this garbage.

      When you talk to him about his addiction, what does he say to you?

    • I feel for you wholeheartedly. This is my situation. The porn is the main issue at this point in time, but we are a few years past infidelity, internet and otherwise, and other OCD issues that he has had.
      I, too, have wished I didn’t love my husband so much, otherwise I could be free of this constant stress and worry. I always hold out hope. They always say that communication is the most important factor in a marriage, and I believe it, but men (at least some) are impossible to communicate with, even with gentle nudging, when it comes to emotional or sexual issues. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t because I am still looking for one. Luckily, there is a lot of love between us, but I always wonder how you can love someone and treat them with such disrespect. (I could not love someone deeply and betray them at the same time). For whatever its worth, just know that you are not alone. I wish there was a women’s help line where we could communicate with one another to help relieve the pain. Going to a counselor has to be a 2-way street and mine refuses, so its a very lonely road. I have been told to make the most of my own life and not let this issue destroy my happiness. I wish you the best.

    • Oh bless you, I am actually sitting hear crying, I feel your pain because it sounds so much like my relationship. Like you I cope by burying my head in the sand but every now and then I am forced to face facts, and yes it hurts like hell, so much so I struggle to get by. I avoid making love because I struggle to arouse him and if I do manage to I can never ever make him ejaculate. My response was to build walls and to shut down, which helps no-one, but helps me cope a little better…sometimes. We can not compete with younger more beautiful women, that is true. But Rain you are beautiful and you are unique..there is only one of you and his problem, although it is also your problem, is NOT your fault! At the moment I am struggling big time, I can no longer sleep in the same bed as him, I would so love to be intimate with him but I am left feeling even more empty, hurt and confused afterwards that I will go to any lengths to avoid it. I don’t turn him on, I don’t make him hard so I avoid even trying. That is what porn addiction does, it destroys marriages, it destroys self esteem and I am left sitting here feeling worthless. I think maybe I’m rambling on now, but I can’t talk to anyone about this. I do love him, but I am sick and tired of being blamed and made to feel bad because it is my fault he does what he does because I don’t give him enough sex. Vicious circle. For all you out there going through the same thing, you are not alone not by a long shot, I feel for you and I wish you all the best x

    • Wow, I feel that you are writing my feelings and experiences. It has been almost 6 years of this crap. Him and his porn and me trying to catch him. Not a great relationship. The sad part is that I am still catching him. He doesn’t deny it anymore. He just wants to know where I found it so next time he can try to cover his tracks better. Do you ever have that problem? I can hardly have sex because all I keep thinking about is “who is he thinking about” Is it me or the Porn queen he was watching right before we have sex. I have no self esteem anymore. I went through this with my second husband. I can’t believe I am doing it again. The sad part is that I love him. I just wish he loved me enough to stop hurting me like that. He is all about respect but he has none for me. I feel where you are coming from and I hope one day they realize how much this changes us as wives and people. I am angry all the time now. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was the way I used to be. But this changes a person. Good luck! Keep your head held high and try to break through the waves.

    • Rain.Wow,um really I dunno where to start your story sounds like mine. I pretend and lie to myself alot trying to make it all disappear but it’ll flood right back to me. And to be honest I haven’t even caught him doing it in along time just because I’ve stopped checking I’m tired of that explosion inside of me and feeling of anger sadness. I’ve even got to the point I hate going anywhere anymore cuz I know he’s on the hunt to look at someone or atleast that’s how I feel. I have so much anger inside me it’s unreal I’ve never been what you say confidant in myself but I do not think I’m ugly but with his addiction it has made me sometimes hate myself and think bad things about me or our sex life. That’s another story I can be so ready and in the mood and then BAM the thoughts are in my mind. There is a reason I’m telling you all this it’s not to discourage you because even though I still have all this pain and suffering I pray everyday that God will heal him and myself and our marriage I take marriage very serious even though I’m young we have also been married 8 years and I do strongly believe God as put us women in these men life’s for a reason I believe not only to build is stronger in faith and life but to help our husband’s fight this sinful battle cuz all the research I’ve done they hate their addiction more then they probably realize or say. I know it maybe hard but pray and stay strong I will be praying for all that suffer with this problem and their spouse cuz people don’t realize what it does to the spouse. God bless and hope we all look back one dayand see change… I really understand and hope we all receive healing…

    • Rain, I completely understand everything you are going through as I am feeling the same things you are. The only difference is he does not have a prob with orgasms. I am on the verge of bringing my relationship to an end, not because I don’t love him. I love him with all my heart. That’s the problem I love him so much that it would be easier for me to just leave the relationship than to keep feeling my heart being broken consistently. I wonder why he even wants to be with me because I feel so disgusting. So much so that I feel bad that I am with him thinking maybe if I left him he would find someone that fits what he enjoys watching on the internet and maybe he would be fully satisfied. He says he thinks I am beautiful, pretty, attractive and all that but I watch the way he looks at attractive people and I see the difference in his demeanor. i watch his eyes as he follows them and looks them up and down. He does not look at me like that in the slightest. I feel his behavior and actions say more than what he tells me. i often tell him that I am gonna find someone that is his “type” because I want him to be truly happy. His response….”I don’t want anyone else, I just want you.” My thoughts….he sure doesn’t act like it. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. seems to be a growing trend with all of us.

    • Rain, I live your nightmare too. my husband has been fired from his job as a professor at a state university school of meicine for spending many hours each week watching porn. A 22 year career down tje drain jan 31 2014. he only orgasms when i give him a hand job because he admits he has for tje twelve yrs of our marriage thinking of porn imagesrwhile i provide friction to his penis. myle marriage has been a fraud. if I star to cry he accuses me of punishing him and thinks that the past ten weeks of mortification are all tje punishment he deserves. I cannot help but hate him for his deceit and now mental cruelty. I pray to find a job so do I can escape this fradulant marriage.

    • It’s 5 years i’m battling my boyfriend’s addiction. I myself am a very sexual person, playful and enjoy everything about it, It’s rare I refuse however, his addiction has made me feel self conscience, inadequate, undesired where I just want to hide myself. I feel he imagines someone else and one night he forgot to erase the history on the laptop, I came across live porn sites where that’s my cherry on the sunday! Enough!!! The sad thing is, is that I’m completely in love with him but it’s destroying me sexually. I feel like i’m just a release and he doesn’t want to look at me. We hardly kiss and we use to so often. I’m glad I found this blog because now I don’t feel alone in this…It’s hard to support! I

    • I just learned of my husbands serious porn addiction while on our honeymoon. I find myself thinking and feeling all of the above. He has been porn free for 4 months now but we struggle in intimacy. I have never felt so low about myself. I saw red flags in dating such as little sex but he kept insisting he just didn’t want to base the relationship on this. I have always felt detached in the bedroom with him. I feel lost and just in shock most days. He gave up his smart phone and computer but he claims the images are still there and he struggles. I never knew how damaging porn was to the brain until reading all of this! Very sad!

    • Hello Still in Shock,

      Have you been able to get help from anyone close you? You are catching this very early in your marriage, which is disheartening, I know, but it is also hopeful. Your husband seems at least somewhat willing to change, but if this is a deeply rooted habit in his life, he will need help. You both also still need to learn to relate to one another sexually in a meaningful way, and that, too, might take some help (counseling, etc.).

    • THERE IS HOPE!

      I stumbled onto this article today while searching around online. My heart was breaking as I read all the comments about your suffering because of husbands or boyfriends porn addiction. I want to be a voice of encouragement for you that are in such great pain! You even helped me understand what I have put my wife through for many years of our marriage.

      I WAS A SLAVE TO THE SIN OF PORNOGRAPHY FOR 25 YEARS!

      From the age of 12-37 pornography was my master. I was a slave to sin. As many of your husbands and boyfriends are. And you can be sure of this, he was already a slave to it before he meet you.

      SO YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE!

      The only hope for him or her enslaved by pornography is placing your life in the hands of Jesus Christ. He nailed sin to the cross (Colossians 2:14) I was set free from the bondage and slavery to sin. Now my relationship with my wife is growing deeper and deeper constantly. We are at a place we both thought we could never attain.

      BE A PRAYER WARRIOR FOR HIM! AND RECRUIT OTHERS!

      And never give up (you can even survive adultery). My wife and I both committed adultery and God restored our marriage. We know why I committed adultery. And my wife because I was so self-centered! I pushed her away. Yes she is responsible for her actions too, but I understand my part in that as well. In that I met my own needs before the needs of my wife. Again, God has healed and restored our marriage to such a beautiful place. And he can help you restore yours as well.

      The real issue is a spiritual one. One of “thirsting.” And the problem is we have tried to fill up that “spiritual thirst” with something physical. Only God can quench our spiritual thirst.

      “My people have committed two sins:
      They have forsaken me,
          the spring of living water,
      and have dug their own cisterns,
          broken cisterns that cannot hold water”
      Jeremiah 2:13

      We men have “dug our own cisterns” of pornography, “broken cisterns” that cannot “hold water.” We think we will eventually be satisfied with pornography, but we can never fill our cisterns up because they are broken and unable to be filled. Only God, the “spring of living water” can satisfy the soul.

      Erick Hurt
      http://www.erickhurt.com

    • U described me completely Rain. U make me cry so much!!! I do exactly what u do and your husband behaves exactly like mine. These guys should go through what we are going through now in their next birth

    • Oh my, I am so sorry for everyone who writes. I am a wife of 37 years to a good man. We have 2 children and I have struggled so hard to make our life seem normal. I didn’t know what he was doing until we were in our 4th year of marriage. Our son, who was 4, was opening boxes that my husband had left in the foyer. I could not believe my eyes. Hundreds of “Playboy” magazines. I could not believe my eyes. I shook the whole day. I never said anything because I was shocked and ashamed that I had seen his stash. Years later I mentioned it to him and he said I was crazy and there were no magazines. As our lives continued I would see different magazines, tapes, and dvd’s. All hidden in car trunks, old suitcases etc. He has used porn almost daily. When I went back to work, he would come home and play porn tapes on the TV during the work day. Funny now, I never figured out why my soap opera recording was not recording in the day. I never dreamed he was coming home from work to play tapes of naked women. I felt so foolish when I found out and so ashamed. I became obsessed with knowing what he was watching. He had cataloged hundreds of tapes and later dvd’s. He gave each woman A’s. B’s and C’s grades of their looks and what they did. It became my secret little hell that I could not seem to talk with him about without feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Somehow he always turned everything around where I was at fault. He even masturbated by my side when he thought I was asleep. Never the less, we are now in our 37th year of marriage and he is still going on with porn. Our sex life is truly damaged. He can not perform with me anymore, he can’t even fake it anymore. His addiction has severely damaged whatever we had. I am 61 years old now and have nothing to look forward too in my marriage. So please if you are experiencing anything like this, get help. Please don’t let it ruin your life, I don’t believe a man like this will change or ever ask for help. He says he will change every time I have ever brought it up. When you look back at a marriage you want to think about the good parts and not have the bad parts over ride the good. Get help with a Dr. who is well informed with porn or leave. I still think about leaving him and perhaps I will.

    • I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced for so many, many years. I’m glad you found us here, and I hope what you read will be a support and encouragement to you. I wonder if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of different women, and how they handled the boundaries in their marriage around pornography. Some of those women chose to leave, to create that boundary. I think we tend to forget that porn is not just bad for the spouse–it’s bad for the addict as well. Of course, the addict gets the chemical high–but then, as your husband experiences, erectile dysfunction becomes an issue. It’s clearly not a healthy thing for him, either. I hope you’re getting support? I know it can be hard to talk about, believe me! But there are resources like Celebrate Recovery in many places, as well as counselors who can help support you. Let me know if those resources are helpful to you. Blessings, Kay

  9. I am recently divorced from a p addict who has a $500 / month downloading addiction for the last 20 years. I am very concerned about my 16 yr. old boy and 13 yr old girl being alone with him in his new residence, as well as out of town with him. There is a clause in our child custody agreement about him keeping things hidden and out of site, but this is not enough to ease my worries. My lawyer says I don’t have any basis to warrant supervised/ no visitation and I am frantic and desparate because the agreeement says they can be with him at his home. This is an emergency — thanks.

    • I would really encourage you to keep an open dialogue with your children. Their father is not their only risk of exposure to this stuff. Get involved and start talking with them. If they both attend public school they have (fact) heard about sex by now and odds are your son has been exposed to pornography and your daughter soon will be (those are just the stats).

      Remember, he is not your only ‘threat’ and it is possible that the devil could use him as a distraction to keep you from seeing where the real threat might be. If you open a dialogue with your kids, you will be able to better identify where that threat will come from. It will also help you know if your ex is, in fact, doing as he said he would. If he isn’t then you can act from there.

    • Is this really me? looking for help with this issue he has brought into our marriage? This is the 3rd time Ive busted him and I think Im done. We’ve done the counseling gig twice and a treatment program. And here we are again.
      This time its not just one lie, its been day after day, week after week and i dont know this time how many months.
      I made it clear when we married 8 years ago that i wanted no part of this in my life, in my house, in our marriage.
      I have a new therapist as of yesterday, i have an appt w/ an atty tomorrow and I opened new bank accounts today. This time i look at him with disgust. I dont know who he is. I feel the whole relationship has been a scam. You say all the right things to my face, buy me nice things, help with the house and then you go downstairs and have sex with other women on the computer. You’re a phony, a fraud. Our sex life has wanned over the last 18-24 months and now i know why. You have cheated on me and broken the sacred marriage covenants. Im done and I beleive it to be the right thing to do b/c i dont have other choices. This is who he is, its not who I am.
      One last thing though for all of you, that might give you a giggle. He wrote Dear Abby and asked her if looking at ‘nude beaches’ was different than porn b/c they are public beaches…. Really, he did and i read it in the paper the day it was published. She told him, that he has a porn addiction.

    • I have to say I have been with my boyfriend now since 2010 when we first got together everything was great we had no sex issues at all, we even had a conversation to where he told me he thought watching porn was another form of cheating. It took about 6 months for me to realize he had an issue with porn. He pushed me away a lot and straight up lied to my face time and time again. Finally in the past year he admitted he had a problem he has told me numerous amounts of times he was going to get help and never has he told me it is not as serious as I think it is ( but to me if it hurts me or our relationship it is serious) he says he doesn’t do it anymore but I know these are all lies. He has no desire to have sex with me when we do which is now 1 every few months most of the time he cant ejaculate and it is always blamed on something else. There is no intimacy anymore he doesn’t look at me when we have sex I feel like we had turned into roommates. He knows it hurts me but continues to lie and choose that garbage over me. I told him he brought the devil right into our house we have also moved in separate places but still no change. The denial his anger his lies his disrespect has really pushed me to where I cant be pushed anymore. I have come to the conclusion after almost 5 years that my feelings will never matter he will stay stuck in his selfish ways only worry about his self. Ladies its not fair for us to keep wasting our time for someone who only cares about them. I’m 32 years old I’m not getting any younger and all this wasted time I will never get back and I’m selling myself short. I deserve so much better. The sad thing is there are 2 kids involved in this equation that love him and look up to him as their father but they have no clue he chose to move and kick us to the curb for these fake women they will never have. It breaks my heart because I have put all this time and effort to try and help him and get him to open up but the truth is that will never happen. I’m going to cut all ties with him because my heart can’t take anymore and its sad the next woman he gets involved with will have to go through the same thing. Why do men get involved with us knowing they have a problem that is so wrong. I threatened leaving this man time and time again and always came back. This time I’m not going to look back ever again enough time wasted time to find a man that loves me complements me wants me accepts me and cares about how I feel. I’m so tired of feeling used.

    • I tried talking to him many times. he says it’s not me, it’s a “man thing” I can tell the difference between normal to addiction and He is completely addicted!! Often he refuses me, not in the mood, hard to get up but he has completely relied on himself to please that I just can’t please him…. I don’t want to go through his things, I don’t want to feel that I can’t trust him, I don’t want porn to be an issue I just don’t want to feel rejected, undesired, insecure. I want to trust and believe him when he says that he loves me but it’s hard.

  10. by the way — he came with this problem — i’ve stood by him and loved him for 23 years, but he grew up in an emotionally cold and loveless house with only the bare necessities to survive like food, clothes and shelter. The 15 years that I visited his parents, there was never any physical contact, no conversations about “How are you”, no offering of financial assistance for any reason whatsoever, if someone wasn’t able to afford the electric bill or food for the week — oh well. I believe that this is the reason why he is so emotionally detached and the reason is that he doesn’t know how to love and be loved in return.

  11. I recently met a man an internet dating site, we have a nice chemistry sexually and emotionally and have been seeing each other for only about 4 weeks…however, he just told me he had an addiction to porn which he ended up spending time in jail for, after serving over seas in the armed forces. I ended our brief relationship, but now I am second guessing whether I shouldn’t still try and be his friend. I am feeling a little confused.

    • Flee from this certain future pson while you can. His only friendship will always be with fantasy. no real woman can exceed the self centered mans imagination. escape now with your self respect still in tact.

  12. Hi Luke…thankyou for your thoughts :)
    I am still undescisive about whether to pursue a friendship or not; I have chatted with a few of my girlfriends, and although I don’t want to continue a sexual relationship, I still wonder if I shouldn’t try and be friend. I wonder though if he will read more into the friendship than what I am trying to offer him. I have read some information about porn addiction and trying to understand it from a post traumatic point (he says he used it to help him cope with what he saw and did in Afganistan) he says he has curbed his porn addiction, watches what he drinks now, and is just trying to move forward with his life. At what point do people get given a second chance, or at least a chance of a friendship when I am sure he has been shunned by many. He never made me feel objectified, he never made me feel disrespected, I appreciated his honesty in telling me something that is a pretty big skeleton to have in your closet! My head says stay well away, my heart says be a friend. I am only 12mths out of a 13yr relationship, do I really need to carry someone else’s baggage??
    I think I am still confused!!

    • Hi Jane,

      The desire to be a friend should be tempered by a sober realization that your friendship will not help him get over his addiction. Showing support is, of course, commendable, but remember that not only would trying to carry his baggage frustrate you, it will ultimately not help him. In my personal experience, male-female friendships work well on paper, but in reality they can get messy the closer you get. That’s just my personal opinion.

  13. Hi Luke…
    Thankyou :) I have heeded everyone’s advice! I did initially make contact and tried to be a friend…this was never going to work for him or me. I have now realised my need for some me time, and could not be the friend he wanted me to be. He thanked me for the small journey we shared :)
    Thankyou, love, light and healing to all those out there with an addiction and those around them x

  14. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we are having a lot of fights and bad feelings about each other becaae of his obsession. I knew he liked porn when we met and I didn’t like it but I excepted it but as the years have gone by its like he doesn’t care how he makes me feel with it all. He has even said he has a problem and wants help but he makes excuses when it comes down to it. Its destroying my marriage and I don’t know what I can do anymore, I have compromised with him and its as though that’s not enough if I bring it up he says I’m just trying to cause a fight and them we either drop it or it blows way up I am sick of fighting and sick of pretending it doesn’t hurt me.

  15. MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR RAIN. SHE COULD BE WRITTING THAT LETTER ABOUT ME. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 36 YEARS AND PORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF HIS LIFE. I USED TO THINK –FINE –HE’LL GET HORNEY AND I’LL GET THE BENAFIT. WRONG. HE WAS FORXED TO RETIRE 3 YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE HAD AN ELBOW REPLACEMENT. SO AFTER 5 YEARS OF HAVEING A HARLEY AND PUTTING OVER 30,000 MILES A SUMMER SITTING BEHIND HIM AND JUST FEELING SO CONNECTED, EVERYTHING CRASHED. HAD TO GIVE UP THE BIKE BECAUSE OF THE ELBOW. BUT IT’S MORE LIKE HE’S GIVEN UP LIFE. IN THOSE 3 YEARS WEVE HAD SEX 3 TIMES BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY HE SNEAKS IN HIS DOSE OF POIRN AND HE GETS OFF ALONE AND PERFERS IT THAT WAY. AND HE HAS SEX WITH HIMSELF A HELL OF ALOT MORE THAN HE HAS WITH ME IN THE LAST 10 YEARS. BUT OH YEA, HE IS IN EVERHY OTHER ASPECT THE MAN OF MY DREAMS EVEN AFTER 36 YEARS. BUT UNLIKE MOST WOMEN I NEVER HAD A JOPB OUTSIDE THE HOME. DID A HELL OF A JOB RAISING 2 KIDS AND JUST REALLY FELT FULFILLED WITH MAKING A HOME AND RAISING A FAMILY SO I DON’T EVEN GET THE DISTRACTION OF HAVING A JOB TO GET AWAY FROM HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. AND HE HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED HIS AFTER WORK DRINKS. USED TO BE BEER. NOW IT’S A BOTTLE OF TEQULA EVERY DAY.I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM AND ONLY HIM SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD. HE’S 6 YEARS OLDER. I LOOK BACK AT THE THINGS I HAVE PUT UP WITH BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL. AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS –I PUT UP WITH HIM COMING HOME FROM WORK AND HAVING HIM MAKE A FEW MIXRD DRINKS AS HE UNWOUND FROM WORK BY DRINKING AND WATCHING PORN. AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS OK? ALL GUYS WERE LIKE THIS. RIGHT? NOW INSTEAD OF DREAMING OF A FUTURE WITH HIM I’M THINKING EVERYDAY HOW CAN I MANAGE TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND 2 PARROTS AND A SHIH TZU ALONE. WOULD IT BE BETTER IF HE’D HAVE AN AFFARE WITH A LIVING CHICK? THEN THERE WOULD BE NO QUESTIONING OF KICKING HIM OUT. SO LIKE RAIN–TONIGHT I CRY AND TOMORROW I’LL PUT ON THE HAPPY FACE AGAIN. I CAN’T SAY IT’S ANY BETTR KNOWING THERE ARE OTHER WIVES IN THE SAME BOAT BUT IT DOES FEEL BETTER JUST HAVING A PLACE TO VENT. DOES ANYONE COME HERE OFTEN?

  16. I feel very embarrassed just writing this comment, but I feel as if I’m at my wits end. My boyfriend (soon to be husband) has struggled with porn addiction for many years. It didn’t become apparent until roughly a year into the relationship when I became very frustrated with the lack of sex and discovered he was masturbating to porn daily. We brought everything out in the open and he agreed that it was unfair to me and that he would do better.

    Several months later, it reared its ugly head again and while trying to still be understanding, I told him I could not stay with him unless he was willing to seek help to overcome it. He began seeing a councilor and things really changed for the better. We began having sex much more frequently and he had no trouble maintaining an erection (which was always a problem before).

    In the past couple of months, the frequency of sex dipped once again and I just knew the porn issue had come back. He received a phone call on his cell a couple of days ago for me and after I ended the call, I saw the he had been watching porn on his phone. Even though I knew it had to be going on, I was so devastated to see this once again. I know that he loves me, and I love him dearly. He is very good to me in every other way, but he knows how much this hurts me and that a substandard sex life isn’t enough for me. I have a strong sex drive and it bothers me to no end that I can never initiate sex and that the few times we do has to always be when he’s in the mood and on his terms.

    I feel like my trust in him is completely broken as he has gone back on his word so many times now. I’m really at a lost as to what I should do next. I can’t imagine life without him, but I refuse to commit myself to a sex-less marriage and to a man who cannot keep his word. I feel hurt, humiliated and disappointed that we are once again back to this issue.

    What can we do differently to overcome this once and for all? I really feel like this is something that needs to be resolved for good before we get married.

    • Laura, re-read Jacki’s story above. See her comment that he “came with this problem”? Love is not enough. It does not conquer all. You will most likely not heed my advice but I’ll say it anyway. First, get a pre-nup and a polygraph, where he will give you a full clinical disclosure of all his past and current sexual behavior. Do this through a counselor who is experienced in using polygraphs for sexual addictions. Don’t try to do it alone by going straight to the polygraph examiner! As I have said before, we underestimate the power of this addiction. It usually takes hitting rock bottom, just like any other addiction, for a man to stop this behavior, and even then it sometimes isn’t enough, like Jacki’s husband losing his wife. Would you tell a woman whose boyfriend beat her to go ahead and marry him, even if he had a bad childhood, even if he went to a few counseling sessions to deal with his anger? No, not because he is evil, but because she would be signing up for a life of misery. The damage you will suffer from this addiction will be even worse. Addictions don’t go away with some counseling and maybe attending a few 12 step meetings. Willpower only lasts so long before the behavior comes back. I am not saying that recovery is not possible, but if you marry him with knowledge of the problem beforehand he will feel safe in the knowledge that you will never leave. Before considering marriage find out the following: Is he willing to make recovery a lifestyle for the rest of his life? Is he willing to have accountability partners the rest of his life that he keeps in constant contact with? Is he willing to let you put filters on all computers and electronic devices and leave them there the rest of your life? Would he be willing to take yearly polygraph tests? Is he willing to see a counselor for as long as it takes to work through all his issues? Does he agree to these things with no complaining, no push back? If so, then maybe there is hope. Still no guarantee. Wait at least a year to see if he follows through on all these things, consistently. Then have him take a follow up polygraph to verify he has really stopped the behaviors. Some say that polygraphs are no way to build trust. Chemical addictions have urine and blood tests. This is the equivalent. Polygraphs are the ONLY way to rebuild trust. Are you willing to accept that this problem NEVER goes away. Even if he is in recovery, once he stops active recovery (support groups and using tools he has learned to remain sexually pure) the behavior will eventually return. The Game Plan by Joe Dallas is a great book for both of you to read, if you choose to stick it out.

    • Hi, I just read what you posted and I felt I needed to respond..I grabbed my husbands phone on 2 different occasions and he had porn on it.when I confront him he either says he doesn’t know how it got there or he set me up. Im not stupid and hate being lied to!! We seem to only have sex when “he’s” in the mood but god forbid I’m I the mood and he’s too tired..so yea our sex life/intimacy has changed big time! I have a strong sex drive which he knows and when we got together he did too. If I try talking to him about sex he gets upset and defensive etc etc..I still love him but don’t know what to do cause when he’s using his phone and I enter the room he clicks out of whatever he’s viewing right away but tells me I’m crazy thinking up stuff and to stop accusing him of looking at something and that he doesn’t do anything wrong!! Don’t know what to do…

    • It sounds like your husband is about to be “found out” in a way that he can’t hide. It is really only a matter of time.

      I might start by saying something like this, “I know you don’t want me nagging you about whether you look at porn or not, and I think we should be able to move past this. Obviously I’ve found things that make me suspect you are looking at porn, and if you aren’t, I’m thrilled. Here’s what I’d like to do. At any time you’re on the computer or your phone in the next 3 months, I want to be able to ask you for it and see what you’ve been looking at. You tell me you have nothing to hide, and that’s great. But this will really help me build my trust of you.”

      If he has resistance, you could always ask him why. Tell him you just want to have a marriage without secrets, that couples maintain these kind of transparent relationships all the time.

      In fact, we have men who use our Accountability Software and have Internet-use reports sent to their wives every week, just as a gesture that their lives are open books. Many women love this kind of openness and transparency. Tell him that you want that kind of marriage.

      This might be a good first step towards unraveling this puzzle. Obviously more is needed to improve your sex life, but knowing about your husband’s use of porn will be a good place for you to start.

    • I just threw my husband of 20 years out for this and we will not be together again until he gets help, this time I totally went berserk busting up his little dvr and porn tapes, I love this man, but he is 65 and hasn’t given it up and it has been in our relationship and marriage forever!!!

    • Perhaps a little “berserk” is what he needed to see. I’m not condoning your rage, but I think more men need to know what they stand to lose. Sixty-five years is a long time to have a porn habit, but he needs to know that you have set some clear boundaries for him.

      What he needs to do not is regain your trust, and that is going to take some very hard work on his part. He needs to know from you what regaining your trust looks like. What would he need to show you that would help you to know he was changing?

    • Do not marry this person – please – I would separate now and see what life brings to you – even if you give him another year to sort it out – the problem with this is that I he has to HATE the pornography
      enough to begin to get healing- I rarely see this – wife of porn addict , married 27 years, a Christian , thousands spent on ministry.

    • I don’t know if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s four women, telling their stories. I like the fact that they all handle their boundaries in different ways, and yet they all have boundaries–that’s so important, I think. These days you’ll hardly find anyone who doesn’t have significant porn exposure, but I think there’s a wide range of responses from men, in terms of willingness to be responsible and work on their issues for themselves in response to good boundaries.

    • i so dcan identify with all these women. you hit home as if i wrote it myself. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. the first year we had sex a lot. after 9 months i started complaining its all about him. he ejaclates very quickly. i knew he always watch porn. it has destroyed our sex life completely. i have to fight plead and beg for sex. and when i do get it im not satisfied its over before its starts. there is never any foreply for me. then its over. he blames it all on me. we not getting along, etc. he talks as if we have to be perfect in order to have sex. anytime i bring up my feeling he gets so angry. i know he knows how i feel but dont change nothing. i have even threatned with him with ill have an affair. nothing works. he now admits he has a porn problem. starting looking into it. i love him but i want to leave him everyday. its been years of feeling betrayed, neglected. not wanted, not attractive enough. i know in my head its all his stuff but i dont think i really believe. i have so many restenments. im angry most of the time. i dont know what to do anymore. it is destroying me. im glad im not alone with you ladies

    • Hey there. I’m glad you’re finding some community and support here! Your boyfriend’s addiction is definitely his issue to deal with, and I hope that he does take the steps to recovery. Here’s an article I wrote a while back that might help you think about what that might look like. I’m not surprised you feel so angry and resentful, in a situation where your boundaries are being violated constantly. While it’s tempting to threaten and manipulate him into doing what you want, obviously it doesn’t work! I think you’re going to have to decide what’s healthy for you, what boundaries you need in place, and then make some healthy choices. We actually have another free download that might help you as you think through that; Hope After Porn. Even if you do break up with your current boyfriend, the issue of pornography is just so prevalent today. You’re going to have to think it all through and decide what’s healthy for you, regardless of who you’re with. I wish it weren’t like this, but it is! Let me know what you think of those resources, and let me know how else we can help. Blessings, Kay

  17. I just found out my fiance and father of my child has been watching porn a few times a DAY. This alone came as a shock to me since he ALWAYS denied watching it. Then i found out he took it a step further & went on craigslist & tried MEETI G people. He contacted over 160 people alg with posted his own things (telling girls what he liked and even wemt as far as saying they could come over!) He still says he never met anyone or did anything physical, but how can i believe that? He says that because he watched porn so much this is what it led to. Im absolutely heartbroken and devastated, how can you say you love someone & then do this to them?

    • How heartbreaking! I strongly encourage you to find counseling, both to help him break free from his addiction and to help you heal from this betrayal. (I believe Dr. Doug Weiss offers free half-hour phone counseling sessions as a place to start.)

      If you haven’t already, you should download Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives for practical tips on what to do next. You should also read Hope After Porn, which contains the stories of four wives in your situation.

    • To confused …After 11 years of marriage, I have just gone through the same thing, I cant trust him anymore and dont think I ever will ! He also sent messages on craigslist, but denies meeting them. I dont believe him because the messages suggested meeting. I am so confused, sad, heartbroken, lost – I dont know what to do.

    • Hi Heartbroken,

      You are right to distrust your husband. He’s shown intent to cheat on you. He need to regain your trust. Trust is something that can be lost and re-earned, but it cannot just be blindly given.

      Have you talk to him about stopping the use of Craigslist and other sites like that?

    • Hi Luke,
      It has been 2 weeks since I found out and he is trying EVERYTHING to make our marriage work. He is embarrassed about what he has done and asked me to give him a chance. He has not gone onto Craigslist since and is really trying hard to make me happy even leaves his phone on the table when he gets home and started reading books again. We have had some good chats about it and he understands how I feel. I think its going to take allot of time to trust him EVER again, but he is willing to listen and doesn’t get offensive when I tell him my fears – which are all day everyday ! I told him that the main reason for staying and giving him a chance is my children, they don’t deserve to be put through a divorce because of his addiction. I am happy to say he has stopped (touch wood) so far… time will tell.

  18. i have been looking for some advice for quiet sometime now…my boyfriend and i have been together for sometime now and he admitted to me that he has an addiction to porn after I found dating sites on my computer. Apparently he has been addicted to porn since he was a boy and now at 21 it has carried into our relationship. He looked at it for some time, going on dating websites, asking girls for their number or their skype to send pictures back and forth. He said that he never let anyone see his privates which i somewhat believed because when i first found out about it, he had a picture of some other male priviates in the photo album. The first time I caught him we put covenant eyes on both of our computers which helped for a little bit then the second time I caught him we went to seek some professional help. Now that I caught him this time he doesn’t want to receive help since he says he has looking at porn less and less but lies about it when I ask him if he does look at it. He says that he will tell me but I have to try to be supportive and understanding. He even gave me his ipod so he wouldn’t be tempted but I kind of just threw it back at him. I’m not sure what to do, I just keep crying and thinking that I’m not good enough for him. We both have planned on getting married and having our life together but I dont know if its even worth it anymore. I do love him and want to help him but i just dont know how.

    • I have been married to my husband for over 25 years now. He started looking at porn as a little boy. About 10 years ago I found porn on our computer. Then I came home unexpectedly during church, he was home. The camera was at the front of the desk pointed down. I asked if he was doing things on sex sites in front of the camera. He was angry (for getting caught) and said for me to stop accusing him. I asked him, I didn’t accuse. Still he is spending alot of time at work on his laptop while sitting in his truck for seven hours. He can’t masterbate because people come to his truck frequently. I know he chats with people, looks at craigslist, and I believe he is meeting up with people. I am so hurt because of his lying and cheating. I would pack and leave to go 1400 miles home but our youngest of four children is only ten and she loves her daddy so much. He is so wonderful to me and we have sex daily, sometimes more. We went through a time when we only had sex once a week then I found out about an affair. He completely denied and said she was a friend like a little sister (10 years younger). Hiding her phone number in his phone under a man’s name. ( I called her phone at midnight when she was in bed with her husband. I blocked my number when I called. I angrily said, “Stay the HXXX away from him.” Then I hung up. Things started falling apart after that between my husband and her. I was hurt and angry but knew I hadn’t paid him enough attention and we had disconnected. I chose to stay and be a better wife. He is still doing the porn, dating sites, chats, etc and denies and lies about all of it. If I’m being sexier, having sex daily with him, why does he need or want other women. I don’t understand. If you aren’t married, I know you care about him, but care about yourself. Don’t put up with it for 25 years and become an emotional cripple. The “happy face” gets more difficult to put on every day.

  19. I have been hearing more and more stories like this lately, of engaged couples struggling with this issue. I am considering adding a new 3 day intensive to the ones we already do with married couples, specifically for engaged couples. For those who qualify, and their would be stringent qualification requirements, a couple could start their lives together with a foundation of truth (disclosure with polygraph would be included) as well as tools for building a healthy marriage where one partner is a recovering porn/sex addict. I’d love some feedback on this. You can read more about the intensive we offer now at http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com

    • I wish you would. My wedding date is set for next summer, to a man I’ve been with for 7 years. I don’t know if I can go through with it now. This is a man I thought was God’s gift to me after an abusive, alcoholic 15 year marriage. Imagine my surprise when I grabbed his iPad to do something and found he’s been answering classifieds, posting pictures of him ejaculating in various places in our home, when he has been unable to have sex with me for over 6 months. He claimed it was stress – and he was under a bunch of it…so I believed him. He says he has not met these women but there are conversations and personal pornographic photos shared between them. He says he didn’t cheat on me. Really? Then why look for a woman to share that with locally? An affair would almost be better! I could compete with 1 woman, I cannot compete with EVERY woman!! I am so hurt. When I found out I left open a picture he posted, of himself masterbating and ejaculating in MY bathroom, open on his iPad, with my engagement ring on it, and I left the house. I came home and he had left, taken his 2 porn computers/iPad and left my engagement ring. Priorities right? He didn’t contact me for 5 hours and even then not to apologize or explain. He basically said he had a problem and would be in contact with a counselor on Monday so what did I want for the next 2 days. Really? Like making a counseling appointment makes it all ok and you can just come back Mon like nothing is wrong???!!! Like not being physically able to even have sex with me for 6 months is ok when he’s masterbating to and for these women online DURING THE SAME TIME FRAME? I’m supposed to ever trust him? I can’t even trust him to even go to the BATHROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I feel….defiled, unloved, unwanted. We used to have an active sex life so I never thought masterbating or porn was an issue. Clearly I was so wrong! As I read these comments, I see the same despair I feel. I see the same lack of the men acknowledging how it affects the wives/girlfriends. I see “recovered” addicts who are still having huge issues 3 years later, relapsing, not having sex with the wives. And I can only wonder…not just why but what, what am I supposed to do. I don’t want to have to filter and keystroke log spyware on all his devices. He’s tech support for his work and on call 24 hrs so I can’t make him shut off his phone, and I can’t take away his porn access (other than filters but that does that restrict these classified personal ads). Clearly there is something wrong with me – to get 2 addicts in a row. I tried for a long time to “help” my ex-husband manage his alcoholism and porn issues. I don’t know that I can go through that again. I understand the compartmentalization part of a man’s brain but that doesn’t make it feel any less like a lie to me. I cannot accept that the man who takes me places, pretends to show me off, wants to hold my hand, and tells me I am beautiful not only can’t have sex with me, but IS HAVING SEX WITH HIMSELF AND THESE WOMEN REGULARLY via sexting, chat rooms, various porn sites – and worse to me, sharing his own personal photos in the home we share, which I saw in the background. I have gone between extreme anger and extreme despair. The little contact we’ve had, via text because he isn’t even man enough to call me or come talk to me, he seems focused on himself, his shame, admitting he has a problem. But he says it is not cheating and seems to be oblivious to my pain. I bet if I asked him if it was ok then for me to post naked pictures of me masterbating and coming to orgasm, from our bed, from our bathroom, if that would be ok – because it isn’t cheating right? I bet that answer would not mesh with what he’s telling me. I am ready to pull the venue deposit. I don’t want him to touch me. I can’t imagine ever seeing him naked without picturing those photos he took for other women when he couldn’t sleep with me. I had a panic attack and felt like I was dying when I found the pictures. I was gasping for air, my heart rate tripled in the second it took the image to load. How can I ever look at him naked and not see that? How can I ever have sex with him and not wonder who/what he’ thinking about. So while I think it is great he’s admitting he has a problem – he’s not admitting how it affects me. And even if he does acknowledge my pain…will it ever be enough? I haven’t read one positive review of post treatment. No one has said, hey he went through treatment and life is grand now, he’s fixed, his brain is rewired back the right way and I feel loved and value. Anyone have that? Because short of that….I don’t think I can do this. I am dying inside, and falling apart outside. Suggestions, comments? Thanks.

    • Hello Distantone,

      What your boyfriend is doing to you is terrible…inexcusable. Don’t let the lie creep in that this is somehow you fault. You were not the one chatting with women online. He was. You were not the one masturbating to porn. He was.

      I wrote an article a couple weeks ago about how a husband can really regain his wife’s trust, and sadly, you are right, I get a lot of comments from women about how that is exactly what they need, but not a lot of comments from men. I think there are a lot of men out there who are simply unwilling to do the hard work of changing. Porn has emasculated them, and they are blind to what it is costing them.

      Is it cheating? Yes. As much as any form of lust is cheating—and more so because for your boyfriend has made it into a habit and has involved many women.

      Will your boyfriend see it that way? Perhaps not. But regardless of the label he puts on it, he needs to come to the realization that you see it as cheating. Would he want you chatting with men online, showing off intimate parts of your body while you masturbated for them? Would he want you chatting sexually with men online and then being so sexually tapped you couldn’t offer him any affection? No. Call that what you want, but to any sane person that sounds like cheating.

      Both of you have a fair amount of work to do, if you plan on sticking it out with him. Read that article I linked to and see if it brings some clarity about what he needs to do. He obviously has a serious problem that he needs to address and you need to ask if you are willing to walk that road with him.

      I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I highly recommend you download this free book. It may help you understand him and your own heart at this time.

    • So he read this article, he followed links on his own and offered to do the filters and accountability and go through the steps to regain trust. He seemed off…he was saying he was sorry but his demeanor was anger, he wasn’t sad, he was mad he got caught – but was saying all the right things. So I told him I needed the full truth if I was going to move forward. I asked him directly if he had ever met any of the women or had sex with anyone. “No. No. No.” for 2 hours. So I told him to be able to trust him I had to see his posts, what he was telling these women. There were dozens of websites with his profile “actively seeking play partner” and the photos I had already seen. There was a post about him wanting to be with someone, but not that he had met her. Something still didn’t sit right and I asked again about physical cheating…”No. No.” I think, if at that moment he would have not been defensive and angry but had been crying with me and holding me, apologizing and explaining not what he’s going to have to do about the his part of the problem but how he was going to work on US & the problem, I would have been able to move forward. I was ready too move forward even without that….until the next click. I found not only has he been meeting women but he’s been setting up appointments from out of town to meet women in hotels, taking them my wine and other gifts, and some of the women have been prostitutes. Just seconds after asking him to fully come clean and tell me what else he had been lying about I found 2 posts with clear evidence he had met them, and clear evidence he had already slept with them. This apparently has been going on for over a year. He wasn’t sad, he didn’t even apologize! He defended, “It was just once and it was over a year ago!” My heart is shattered into thousands of tiny pieces I don’t know if it will ever be fixed. I love him so much and thought we had such a good relationship, even sexually. I lost my best friend, my companion, my lover, my supporter and encouragement – the only person who knew the whole real me and loved me anyway. Needless to say, the wedding is off. I could not continue to look because I know there was more. I know there are videos of either him alone or him and one of the women. I know there are sites, like the upload your own porn video site, that he tried to get me to avoid checking by saying he just looked there and didn’t say or do anything. So I KNOW there is more. I could forgive once, I could probably forgive more if he had told the truth and was actually sorry about the pain he caused me, instead of just being sorry he got caught. Because I know it will happen again, we are over. It’s killing me. We did everything together and our memories surround me. But I can’t take this journey with him if he can’t even admit the truth of what he’s doing, it will cost me more pain in the end. I appreciate the comments and article here, they do help. I know mentally it is not me or my fault – I just have to internalize that. It doesn’t matter that I was available and am not a prude but would do, and have done the things he wants with him – FREE AND I LOVED HIM, but he chose to be with them or himself instead to the point where he can’t even maintain an erection with me. That is not my fault. That is a consequence of his choices. I know that in my head. Once it reaches my heart and I quit feeling stupid, worthless, and unlovable – it will get better, but I have the head knowledge from here. Thank you to everyone who posts. And I hope that things are actually working out right for someone, some family.

  20. I used to have a desire for romanctic sex with my husband but menopause affected me so strongly that after a while sex became so painful that it was not possible for us to connect any more. I eventually sought my doctor’s help & found there were some solutions to aid the aging female body. During this time my husband was not having any sex and we just slipped away intimately from one another. He got heavy and did not care how he looked. The last time we tried to have sex was 1 1/2 yrs ago. In this interim I started enjoying masturbation for myself and found it to be a good release for my sexual feelings. Little did I know what my husband was up to and today I just found out that he has been into porn while away on business. He pays cash for the in house movies so I wont see the invoice but one hotel sent us an email version of the invoice. Obviously I can understand how he felt his needs were not being met but he doesn’t even bother to cuddle or share any intimacy with me. He always gave me excuses about his anti-depressant meds side effects killing his sex drive too. Now, I feel somewhat disgusted by his actions as it seems men need a visual stimuli and then have no interest in having a real intimate relationship with their wife lying beside them. Is our marriage headed for disaster even further?

  21. Hi Everyone,

    You’re not alone, my friend. Many men are facing the same struggle as you. The reason so many men are never able to get set free from this bondage is because they don’t know the weapons to defeat the enemy. Instead, they think if they try harder they’ll break the addiction. But, trying harder doesn’t work. Failure after trying harder only leads to more shame, which leads to more viewing of porn.

    Reading your bible more, praying more or loving God more isn’t going to fix it. Don’t misunderstand what I’m getting to. Prayer and reading your Bible are important. You have to understand the root of addiction and how to cut this spiritual noose that hell has around your soul. Men involved in this sin often describe themselves as victims rather than voluntary participants in sinful behavior. They want to be freed from pornography, but expect God or someone else to do the hard work. They pray and then blame God for not removing the problem. What started off as a moral problem, quickly becomes a brain problem. The physical composition of the brain actually changes through the viewing of porn. This sheds scientific fact to a biblical truth:

    “Every sin that a man does is outside the body, he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.” 1 Corin. 6:18.

    Sexual sin and the viewing of pornography is against your own body, particularly your brain. There must be a “renewal of the mind,” just as scripture tells us. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit can we begin a renewal of our mind. You have to recognize you didn’t get into this problem overnight and can’t expect an immediate fix. That would be immature thinking. Typically, it takes men 2-5 years to break an addiction to porn. This requires a miracle every single day. It requires having the knowledge of your addiction, the bondage root, denial structures, among other things. There are major steps you need to take, which I could not explain in a single post. I highly recommend you get a DVD teaching series for men on this subject, called the Conquer Series. It will change your life and equip you to break the addiction. You have to admit that what you’re doing is not working for you. The guy who hosts the video has 30+ years experience in helping men get set free. There’s nothing else out there that lays out such clear steps you can take to break this addiction. You can order it from the website: http://www.conquerseries.com

    Here’s an excerpt from the Conquer Series that explains the root or “noose” of addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jVxpHCIgKE You must understand a spiritual war is taking place. Satan wants you to remain in bondage. God wants to see you healed. He loves you.

    Best regards!

  22. i have been married for 14 months. i didnt know my husband was a porn addict til after we got married because my sister had to clean her computer. then when i moved in with him noticed my computer started to slow down a lot. well come to find out it was porn slowing my computer. i confronted him bout it and he said he wasnt going to do it anymore. that same day he looked up more porn. i finally left the subject alone. he spends most of his time on facebook talking bout football or looking up girls, or looking up pornhub, or playing xbox. we had twin babies and i thought he would change but No. he works while i stay at home with babies. he is off 3 days of the week and still only get sex maybe once a week, sometime i go a whole month. when we do have sex its only like for 5 til 10 min and hes done. then he goes to bathroom and looks up porn. i look at myself as a booty call for my own husband. it hurts so bad cuZ i feel like im not doing a good job, like im too fat, i just dont have to body he would like me to have. everytime he does this to me it feels like he just stomped all over my heart. i dont know what else to. i dont want to spend the rest of my life miserable.

  23. Juanita, most wives in similar situations feel the way you do. It is common to think if you were more attractive, thinner or different in some other way then you would be enough for your husband. That just simply isn’t how it works. Pornography pollutes the brain, causing significant damage. Men often begin to prefer porn and masturbation to being with a real woman, no matter what she looks like. The other traits you mention about your husband, such as constantly distracting himself, are very fitting with the personality of a sexual addict. Over half of sex addicts, in my professional experience, stop desiring sex with their wives. There are numerous reasons for this, but some of them are that with porn, and sometimes other behaviors with strangers, they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves, they don’t have to worry about intimacy (which is often very uncomfortable for sex addicts), and they can have constant variety…something porn causes them to become accustomed to. No woman can compete with hundreds of images in just a few minutes. Men who get professional help for their addiction and follow certain guidelines for recovery, find that intimate sex with their wife is more satisfying than anything they have done on the past. But those who don’t get help only get worse, as this addiction, like all addictions, is progressive. Yes, if nothing is done I’d venture to say that you will “spend the rest of your life miserable”, unless you are able to emotionally detach from your husband, which few women are able to do for the long term. You must set boundaries that this is not okay and he must get professional help. If he refuses then unfortunately he will never stop permanently unless you separate from him. Even that may not work, but it could be your only chance. Hopefully, if you make it clear to him that you will leave if he doesn’t stop (don’t make this threat if you don’t intend to follow through) that will be enough motivation for him to get help. From what I have seen, most men don’t get help until there is a very real threat of a significant loss or an actual loss.

  24. I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend always watched porn but it got much much worse once I became pregnant. My son is now 5 mths old and its still pretty bad. I mean its to the point where he would go in bathroom and jerk off to a victoria secret flyer! He watches porn on his phone on his ps3. I work everyday and he stays home jerking off! I’ve told him this hurts I feel betrayed espacially when I found out he was watching live porn. One night we tryed to have sex he was giving me oral sex and I wanted to return the favor well he wasn’t even a lil hard. My heartbroke and I felt nauseuos! He got mad and told me I’m the crazy one. I cried myself to sleep in a dif. Room. But even me being so upset and sobbing crying he still went and jerked off! I felt like crap.finally he told me he would stop with the porn and he’d try not to jerk off 3 times a day. I tryed to believe him. But I knew he was still doing it I can tell by the way we have sex. I used to make him wanna cum in 5 min now it take an hr and mostly its because he plays with himself either during oral or even when he’s inside me. Or hell stop and jerk himself off on me. I love him and he does so much right but I think this is going to ruin us. I feel so undesired and not good enough. Why does he keep doing this even though it hurts me so badly? He lies and sneaks and then tells me I’m the one with the problem. Now we are arguing agvain because I found a pair of boxer shoved between out matress and boxspring and guess what…. they were full of cum. I guess he’s been using them to clean himself up and then hiding them. And of course I bring it up and he says that was from after we had sex. Its getting to the point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I either feel like he’s doing it so we don’t argue or when we are in the act I’m constantly wondering if I’m pleasing him. Wich I don’t think I am I think only his hand and other women can do that now! I need help I can’t talk to anyone about this and I don’t know if we will ever be able to stay together like this. He’s 32 and I’m 27 I feel like a selfis ass if I leave him because then I’m breaking our family up. But at the same time how can I just accept this and have a sexless relationship.? He does initate sex every night but like I said I think its mostly because he doesn’t wanna fight. He’s also starting to talk and treat me like I’m a porn star. And I like it a lil bit but then my thoughts go to… he’s fantasing about porn am I even in bed with him or does he see all of the women he jerks off to???? Plz help!

  25. After reading the blogs Im saddened and relieved Im not alone. Ive been married 38 yrs this September. It doesnt get better it only gets worse. For me hes not just into porn he breathes it. I have recently found bondage devices; ball straps, cock rings, vibrating butt plug and a tems unit. Hes watching it all free time and on his phone. We havent been together for.about 10 months. He is in his early 60’s and 6 yrs older than me. He gets multiple prescriptions filled of the various e/d mefs he even lied about taking a 1/2 day off from work to go to a Dr. Office advertized on radio that for approximately. $400.00 they promised miracles. Which is injecting a shot in penis to get it hard. I found out one time he used injection and took 2 pills. At that point I had wished he damaged himself for gpod.I spend most of my home time now alone in what was our bedroom while he is at his computer that he moved frpm livingroom to spare bedroom. He also resently signed up for a paypal debit card, any dope knows that cleans away the paper trail. We are suppose to jointly retire and move near a married child but Im more contemplating divorce at that time . I feel all trust is gone and I wont live in a new home just to be ignored again. But when it gets closrr to that time I do plan on asking what he feels is his vision of our retirement. If it includes PORN ,Im out.
    Thanks for listening.

    Mary

  26. I have been married since 1984,I met hubby when he was stationed in England & i moved to the States in ’85(not really wanting to leave my country).
    In Jan i used my husbands laptop & he forgot to close out his Identity safe & had not cleared his history in months.I started typing & a live webcam site showed up,so i clicked it :( He had been on this site everyday,i confronted him about it & he said he had already decided to quit going on it anymore. I found out he had been going on redtube 2x week(if not more) also redtubelive. I snuck in his email & saw he had signed up for these 3 sites in 2010.
    He swore he had never spent any money & finally said he spent around $10.00.When i told him 3 years??? he replied he did not realize it had been that long.
    Yesterday after pretending to be him,i got a reply from the lovesexxxy site that he joined in 2007 & spent $160.00
    We cannot have sex,he goes immediately limp if he tries actual sex :( which of course makes me feel totally ugly,useless & the list goes on.
    In the 7 years he has been on those sites(me unknowing) i cannot remember having sex at all :(
    I told him he had an addiction & finally agreed to see a therapist.
    I’m alternating between being mad,thoroughly depressed,wanting a divorce etc etc.
    Yesterday i told him he had some nerve having fun for 6 years(if not more) while i was miserable,& how he has ruined years of my life & how he knew i wanted to go back home & had i known all this back then,i would have gone home & had somewhat of a chance at a new life.
    I truly do not know what to do :(

  27. :( How could your husband have sex with you one day then look at porn the next day?????? It hurts!!!!! Makes me feel like Im not goot enough for him anymore. H e is even looking at other women now. Well thats another story!!!!

  28. I’m a husband who got caught with porn on our pc over a year ago and tried not to back since it was embarrsing, but eventually we went back to normal i was’nt doing it everyday just about 10 times or less in our 41/2 marriage at that time. Now, lately we’ve been having sex about once maybe twice and i’ve been lusting at women more and more, now i’m dipping and dabbing into porn. I don’t how to confess this to her, so by God’s grace i’m gonna stop or tell or both not sure. I need the LORD’s help.

    • Being open and honest would be less hurtful than lying about it. I have been on the receiving end of this situation and the lying is just as hurtful. I’m not saying she won’t still be angry but it will hurt less if you are honest rather than waiting to get caught.

  29. I wish I had time to respond to every one of these stories. My heart breaks when I read each on of you share your struggles and your pain. I have addressed just about every one of the issues mentioned in these commments in this blog or other articles I have written. Please visit my website where I have a list of articles I have written about being the wife of a sex addict. http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com/partners_of_sex_addicts/articles

  30. I have been married for 10 months. My husband recently confessed that he had viewed porn 4 times in the past 4 months. Before we were married he told me he had looked at porn before and was remorseful. We told the pastor who we were doing pretty marital counseling. He prayed for us and because he prayed assured me my husband would never view it again. Well obviously that wasn’t true. I am devastated. I don’t know how to trust my husband or what to do. He signed up for a program that let’s me view all his websites but what else can we do? He does not want to go to a counselor or tell anyone at church because he works there…

  31. I will be married for 10 years this month and have been dealing with my husband watching porn. When we met I asked him If he liked porn and he told me no. Boy was that a lie. It took almost a year for me to realize how much he loved porn. I guess I was just blind to everything. I found out he was going to strip clubs. He promised he would never do it again. He refuses to give up porn. We had our third child last year november. I have been really busy and occupied with him lately. My husband has not tried to be intamate with me for over a month when I ask why he hasn’t been in the mood he just says you have the baby all the time. I told him I would make time for us that I miss being with him! I walked in on him watching porn last night. It just hurts so badly knowing he wants that over me. I can’t explain the feeling. I should be happy and excited about our 10 year anniversary comming up next week. But honestly I feel sad about it. It just makes me realize how its been a 10 year battle with this porn. I’m tired of compeating with something I can not win. I’m so hurt and lonley. He is here he says he loves me he still expects me to bend over backwards for him. But he can’t give me whst I want most from him. Intamacy. The feeling of being loved and cared about. …. man this hurts. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Hes all I know. He is my first everything. I’m scared to leave him. Its been 10 years ya know.I do love him. I’m just tired of feeling this pain.

  32. It’s so hard that women are having to deal with pornography addiction in their partners and spouses. My husband has an addiction although he would never admit it and even the subject of it enrages him into a major temper. Sometimes I watch him and you can tell what he is doing by the way he moves the mouse or if he see’s me watching him he pulls a confused look at the screen like he is looking at something else. He does not realize that there are so many things that give it away without me even having to see whats on the screen. He looks at porn whilst I am in the other room and stays up later than me so he can have his fix before bed and I have noticed he gets irritable if i’m around too much and he can’t get to look at it. We have sex maybe once a month and I have to make a big deal out of it and at that point when we do have sex its completely emotionless and I just feel like a hole for his pleasure and his mind is elsewhere. I have never cheated on him and I wont but I can already see that our marriage will end in divorce over this addiction if nothing changes, part of me sometimes thinks I wish he would cheat so I could be done with this and he could lose everything and finally realize how bad his addiction is, he will never seek help and I will never be able to discuss this with him because as far as he is concerned he does not have a problem and I only assume that he is looking at porn all the time, but im not stupid, i do look and see on his computer, not because i want to invade his right to privacy but because I know he has a problem and I feel I have to monitor it because ut could easily escalate or get worse.

    • When I met my husband 17 years ago he was very into his porn, but as the years went by I never saw porn magazines anymore and thought he has outgrown it, maybe. Then his work started taking him away and the porn started full throttle again. First I notice all the new things he want to try in the bedroom, but it did not seem emotional connected, not like making love. I dont know, I felt like a hooker instead of a wife, who loves him dearly. He is my husband and I love him so you try. I don’t know, lately i am the one who has to initiate intercourse as he just does not seem that interested anymore. I told him about a friends husband who admitted being addicted to porn, but he says that is rubbish, men just like porn and it is harmless. He seems so disconnected from his family lately,rather mow the lawn than spend the time with us (myself and our 2 boys) Come bedtime and he always lately say, he will come just now. Could porn be the problem, I know We are not that young anymore and I had 2 children that he does not find me attractive anymore, although he says he loves us deeply. Any advice?

    • You have just described my marrage… I have just googled this tonight as Im so unhappy and cant do it any more its been years… Im only 31 we have 2 young children and I have no one to turn to…. things are so bad. I want to trust but been let down so many times over a laptop…. I myself have wished the lies would have turned out to be an afair for my own dignity need help ….

  33. After 16 years of a sexless marraige I finally left my ex. He has visitation with my 13 yr. old son and twin 9 year old daughters. My son has been exposed to his porn and now my 9 year old say him watching porn. Run! Fast…..

  34. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have never had a super active sex life but here recently it has gotten a lot worse. It has been 10 months since we’ve had sex or any type of sexual anything. He looks at porn and up until last year he denied it even though I put proof right in front of him. He tells me he doesn’t masturbate but I don’t believe him. Once he finally came clean he told me ‘it’s like a train wreck. I just can’t stop looking’. Then said he gets nothing out of it but feels drawn to ‘the hunt’. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so hurt, angry, betrayed, and simply put, just not good enough. What am I supposed to do??! I love him but can’t keep going like this. To watch him check out every attractive girl that walks by yet never give you a compliment or look at you that way is gut wrenching. He is 32 by the way. Even before the 10 month stretch of no sex we would have it MAYBE once a month and ONLY if I initiated. Is this all due to porn or is it something else? Help please :(

    • That’s actually a common problem to porn use; it sounds like he has reached the point where he is only turned on by porn. As one woman, you can’t provide the variety he’s trained himself to use. (You can read about the neurochemical effects of porn in The Porn Circuit.)

      The good news is, since he came clean to you, it sounds like he’s finally reaching the point where he’s willing to get help. At this point, I strongly recommend getting professional counseling (for both of you). He should also start using Internet Accountability software; it will send a report of the sites he visits to someone you both choose (I’d recommend a male friend of his who you both trust). It will help break the temptation, and his friend will be able to have good conversations about some of the triggers for his porn use.

  35. It’s 4am and I have been in a cycle of crying, anger and numbness for 12 hours. I just found out my husband, who I have been with for 5 years is addicted to porn and has been the entire time. I feel so betrayed and worthless. He didn’t even tell me. I saw a hidden user name on the computer and he said he didn’t know anything about it so of course I made sure to look into it. Prior to today I would have laid my life on the fact that my husband wouldn’t cheat on me or even lie to me. I can’t believe the amount of time he has spent on this. We made love this morning, I made waffles from scratch and meanwhile he’s adding pictures to his collection. My heart is broken. I feel like everything has been a lie. I feel like the man I thought was my best friend and husband never existed. I know God makes all things work to our good………….. I just can’t see it right now.
    He says he is glad to have it out in the open so he can stop. I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. I feel so dumb and tired. So many things seem suspect in hindsight. I don’t want to share with people I know but I am feel alone to my very core.

    • Holy Smoke, you are my wife.
      I’ve been wrestling with this porn issue for months. She just caught me at 4am. Honestly, I speak for most men, I’m happy. The sneaking, the remorse the list goes on and on. It’s like a warm shower. I know my wife is definitely not happy about this lack of trust. We don’t have sex as much in our marriage and I have turned to this as an excuse. I can’t put into words, how you know it’s destructive to the people you love and you can’t stop. Oh it’s stopped now. I hope we’ll be more open. I think if I can talk with her about it, it will help. I’m afraid of the “needing help” issue as a man. It’s a tough subject, most men don’t like to admit to needing help (asking for directions, admitting they’re wrong, etc.)
      Porn is a Billion dollar industry. It is by far the hardest opponent for anyone to face. Looking at it in this state of mind, (being caught and coming clean at 4am) alcohol, drugs and any other addiction cost money. Porn has FREE websites. If Macy or Bloomingdale started sending free clothes if you came to their website. I think you understand.
      Good Luck, Please be patient with the man. I’m a husband of 8 years. I love my wife. I think I’ll remember my 4am disaster for the rest of my life. I’m hoping it actually brings us close together.

    • Thanks for sharing, and I hope all goes well with you and your wife! If you’re both willing to work at it, it probably will bring you closer, though it will take a while to get to that point.

      Please remember that this is going to be a recovery process for her too. Many wives who catch their husbands watching porn actually experience PTSD symptoms as a result, so be prepared for her emotions to fluctuate wildly.

      One of the best things you can do right now is to be proactive in protecting yourself from future porn use. Eventually the temptation WILL come back, so you need to be prepared for it. Pick someone both you and your wife trust to hold you accountable for your Internet use, and install Accountability (and possibly Filtering) software on your computer. Depending on how long you’ve been using porn, you may even want to seek out a counselor to help you specifically with any habitual use. Or you may want to find a marriage counselor to help improve communication in your marriage. Even just one of these steps will help your wife see that you’re serious about your marriage. It won’t be an instant fix – she’ll still need time to heal – but it will help.

  36. I have to say i have only just put it all together, my partner has the same problem and it is so clear to me now. I have been through hell!! Feeling so depressed and low and worthless due to his lack of intimacy and affection now i know and it all makes sense. Never leaving the house when i leave alone. Not wanting to work, never spending money but has the best computer equipment, best security devices on his computer -the list just goes on and on.. :(

  37. My husband admitted to me that he has a pornography addiction. I had no idea, so I’m scared about the future. We have a one year old daughter. When he was about 11 he and a couple brothers discovered that their father was involved in pornography. His father made it seem okay to him and thus the addiction began. He used to masturbate 3 times a day daily. Since we’ve been married he claims that he has never masturbated and he has looked at porn a few days in a row each month. Everything I read says that the addiction will never go away. That’s a terrifying thought. I never want my sweet daughter to learn bad behaviors like he did from his father. I’m trying to decide if I should just leave now. I’m scared to have any more children. I’m scared that he will crush me all over again. He’s a devoted father and husband and he listens and accepts anything I tell him; but I can’t stay if it’s ever going to happen again. It makes me feel like death would be a beautiful thing. I would never commit suicide because I have a testimony against that and I love my daughter too much to ever leave her. That would be selfish. I’ve never understood addictions. Sure you may experience different, even horrible feelings by not participating but they’ll go away. I don’t believe that the chemical reactions take place until you participate, so blaming the addiction is a scapegoat in my opinion. What I’m wondering is if I have any reason to have hope? Can he do it and never mess up again?

  38. I’ve been married for 8 months now, but lived with him for almost for 4 yrs and I can say it’s been hell. I was molested when I was a kid and a rape victim when I was 16yrs of age and I have been battling with his porn addiction for a long time, false promises, the lies and not forget to mention the sexless marriage we live. I have rage against him and many times I’ve gone violent with him, because I want to hurt him so bad and God forgive me, but at this point I believe is worthless. I don’t love him anymore for all the mental anguish he has put me through, I don’t see him as an individual anymore, but as a pedophile or perverted being I hate porn I think is damaging not only for these people but it damages other’s self esteem and self worth.

  39. My partner and I have almost been together 7 years. I love him soo much but the porn is just wearing me down. I noticed soon into the relationship but just thought it was normal we used to watch it together even. Then he started doing it more often and in private and lying about it even though I would notice certain behaviours. I would wait in bed for him wondering what was taking him so long and would go out to find him only to see him click something off the computer very quickly and then lie until I got it out of him. Its happened many times waiting and catching him out. He created a guest account which I didn’t know about and when I found it, it was FULL of only porn any gadget he has with internet access is used for that. Every time I try and explain I feel horrible and it feels like he doesn’t want me anymore he used to say what I needed to hear and I’d get over it until next time. Now he doesn’t even try anymore. It used to happen every couple of months now we’ve had the same issue about 5 times in a month he tells me he wont it means nothing “all guys do it” or “I always have”. He lies every time even if I catch him in the act he’ll lie and that hurts also because I’m not stupid. I just feel like we are getting nowhere I cant stop crying, I can barley concentrate at work . I want to be with him I just cant handle this anymore.

    • This kind of thing can really wear a person down, for sure. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.

      It sounds like he’s dragging his feet on this, and he can always claim, “You knew this about me. I’m not the one who’s changed. You have.” In this respect, he is partially right. The real question, however, isn’t whether he’s “always done it,” but whether he should. It is obviously distracting him from intimacy with you. It is obviously steeling his attention and devotion. And because this is a habitual thing, he’s literally rewiring his brain when it comes to sexuality.

      First, I recommend you follow the advice in these posts Ella wrote. She has some great things to say and some steps for you to take.

      Second, please, please find some support for yourself: talk to someone about this. Find a supportive friend, a counselor, a local pastor: someone who will help you to think clearly and reaffirm your need to take a stand against this behavior.

  40. I’ll be honest…I no longer know what I am meant to think of this all.

    Yes, I realise most men look at porn, but it is something I have never been comfortable with. Am I to accept that all men do? Part of me feels I have to.

    My fiancee/ex…at the moment I don’t know what we are we were together for 14 years, after the first 3 I discovered he had an addiction, but randomly started downloading things without even viewing half of them. As a result it became non-specific and he ended up downloading massive folders of mixed porn (regrettably and I do believe this, a minority of them that he wasn’t into) led to a short jail term sentence, considering the amount of content. I’m not going to go in to the reasons I believe that he is not a risk, but I know anything he’s seen since doesn’t relate to this at all.

    The issue is that he only told me in the first place because he had to and although he’s sought help, he still hasn’t stopped and still only tells me when I force him to, although he is slightly better.

    It made me feel awful, I hated being the therapist, having to stay calm when I was upset about it and feeling like I was being compared to other women. We didn’t have many sexual issues as such…sometimes it would be hard for him to get an erection if he had been…ahem…erect a few seconds before….so I dunno that might count.

    I dunno if this is every going to change…I wish that it would…it is the main issue in our relationship…I’ve personally lost interest in having sex with him, I don’t know if that’s because things fizzled a bit or because when I found out about it I felt slightly disgusted…although in all honesty after putting up with it for 10 years I started looking at other men and cheated on him towards the end of the relationship (the last 2 months). The guy made me feel attractive and special, but I think it’s just something that I needed…I don’t know…I really don’t know if I should go back to him or not. He really is wonderful with the exception of this…I love him (and yes I realise people may not believe this after the comment about having cheated, but I do). However, I’m scared of being with him because what if this all stays the same permanently???

    Every time I find he’s done this and then lied to me, I feel betrayed…over and over…maybe that’s why the cheating didn’t feel terrible because it felt like it was a drop in the ocean comparing to what I’d done and that person did make me feel pretty awesome (although that person was me looking for something in someone that didn’t exist).

    • Hi Lisa,

      Yes, many men look at porn, but no, you do not have to put up with it. We all have our faults, and when it comes to relationships, forgiveness is a must as a part of daily life. But of equal importance is trust. You need to be able to trust him if you are going to continue being with him.

      He may be wonderful in many other ways, but you need to ask yourself, “If this continues on, or if it gets worse, would I be willing to stick this out?” For your sake, I hope the answer is no. For his sake as well. Granted, this is only my opinion, but I think more men should know what it’s like to feel the sting of losing out on a good relationship because they chose to pleasure themselves in front of pixels on a screen. They need to know that’s the tradeoff: they are losing something real to something selfish and fake.

      You might want to get this free e-book. It might relate some to your situation.

  41. I’ve been with my husband over 6 years and while we weren’t married he was watching porn and I think now he may be addicted he still has sex with me he says he just watches so he can learn things but I think it’s a lie what should I do I tried talking to him I’m afraid it’s going to ruin our marriage

    • Perhaps you both could use some good education about how porn impacts the brain and how we think. I recommend reading this free online book called The Porn Circuit. It references psychologists and neuroscientists about the impact of porn on someone’s mind. It is very readable.

      Whether or not your husband is addicted is not the point (although, if he is, that is a serious concern). The point is how he is training his mind sexually as he watches more and more porn. There are ways to “learn things” about sexuality that don’t involve watching pornography. Pornography is some of the worst sexual education you can get. The only thing your husband is learning is how to fantasize about other women.

      I highly recommend you speak to a trusted friend or counselor about this face-to-face. I don’t want to see you hurt in this marriage by his porn use. You need some good, wise counsel from someone who knows you and can speak to your situation. Your husband does need to stop what he is doing, but that will take effort on his part.

  42. I’ve been with my husband for over 10 yrs, we married when we were 19 and We have 3 daughters together. I’ve always struggled with my weight/ body issues and having a husband that is addicted to porn/ masturbation doesn’t help. When he gets caught he lies about it and denies any wrong doing,or simply doesn’t say anything. I feel ugly, fat, and not good enough for a man. The romance left 9yrs ago and never returned. We hardly talk to each other we’re intimate 1 or 2ce a month, I’ve tried to end it but I grew up without a dad and don’t want the same for my kids. When I ask him if he loves me he says yes. When I try to end it he fights for us to stay together, but why?? I don’t understand. Just last night I found porn on his phone and I blew up!! He wouldn’t say anything he’s a coward. What do I do???

    • From the sounds of it, he is a coward. I pity him because I used to be in his shoes. I know how porn can get a grip on you and you just don’t know what your life will look without it.

      If he refuses to say anything to you, here’s how I might approach him. “You don’t have to say anything to me right now, but I have something to say to you, and I need your full attention. I know you’ve been looking at pornography. I know this has been an issue in your life for a while now. First, I want you to understand how it hurts me to know that you not only fantasize about other women, but you seek out images in order to fantasize about them. When we got married and you vowed to forsake all others, I thought it meant you would seek to have eyes for only me, even if the world threw temptations your way. I don’t blame you for being tempted. But if we are going to make our marriage work, the porn needs to stop.

      “Please understand me: I’m not asking for you to give this up in exchange for nothing. I want porn to stop robbing us of real intimacy. I want the romance back in our marriage. I don’t want you to feel like you need to retreat to images on a screen. I want us to please one another physically and emotionally. I don’t want to live out the rest of our days in a marriage that isn’t striving for this.

      “I understand if you have nothing to say right now, but here’s what I’m asking you to do. I want you to stop watching porn, and if you feel it is some kind of compulsion, I want you to get help. I don’t know how you feel about this, but despite how you feel about me or us, I want you to be free from the need you feel to look at porn.

      “If you don’t want to make this change, just understand that I can’t live with this anymore. If it means we need to take a break from each other, if it means you need to move out for a while until you can find the help you need and I can find the support I need, then so be it.”

      There are a ton of good resources available on this website to help you with this conversation, but it sounds like it is a conversation that needs to be had. I feel so sad for the issues his porn problem has caused in you. Understand that his porn problem has nothing to do with you. His obsession with porn is because he’s obsessed with the novelty of it, the variety, the “forbidden.” No one woman can satisfy the lusts of a man who is used to an online harem at his fingertips. He needs to retrain his mind to understand what true beauty is.

  43. My husband and i have been married a little over a year. i knew about him viewing porn before. we have talked about it numerous times. he wants to quit he says and stops for up to a few weeks but then stress gets high and im suffering from post partum depression so it makes it harder for him to talk to me even more. i dont know what to do. he says he wants to stop but doesnt i give him a while then when i notice odd behavior look at our browser history before he has a chance to erase it and hes done it again. i dont want to block him out more but i am thinking about talking to someone to go talk with him as well. i know we both need it.

    our situation is tough too because we are living with my inlaws because he still hasnt found a job. and he had video game addiction before porn.

    • Hi kayla,

      You might want to ask him some time about what his action plan is going to be for quitting. He needs to have a plan in place for how he is (1) going to distance himself from temptation, and (2) how he is going to deal with the triggers when they arise.

      There are books galor about this topic. Perhaps he would like The Game Plan by Joe Dallas or Closing the Window by Tim Chester.

      As for yourself, I recommend you find someone you know personally to talk about this. It’s hard enough when your husband is retreating to pornography, but to compound that with post-partum depression would be awful. Don’t be alone in your struggle with this. You need just as much support as he does.

  44. I’m so glad I found this forum. I don’t know what to do. I know alot of men look at porn, but it seems to be addictive for my husband. We’ve been together a year and a half, married for less than six months now. I have a 10-year-old son and previously left a verbally abusive 18 year relationship. My husband and I both work. I also mow, cook, do the laundry, take out the trash, etc.

    He blames his recently-low libido and delayed ejaculation on medication, weight and work stress. However, I’ve also contronted him about the porn I found on the computer. I told him I don’t care if he looks at it, as long as he doesn’t care if I talk to guys on the internet. That stopped it for about a week, but he’s back at it. I really wouldn’t care if I were getting some too (ha), but it’s once a week or less, and half that time he can’t ejaculate.

    I’m younger and haven’t gained any weight since we met, so….wth? Guess I’ll just wait the etiquette-based year so I don’t have to return the wedding gifts (most of the money was spent already) and ask for a divorce…

  45. my husband has had an addiction to porn for quite some time now…It makes me feel degraded and unattractive…I feel as if he wants me to be like those women he’s watching but its just not me. I went to work one day and when I got home I looked at the history on my pc and found that what he had done all day while I was gone was look at porn..it crushed me becuz he and I separated for while due to addicition to drugs and we recently decided to try again and now I have to worry about yet another distructive addiction. I wont compete or try to be someone Im not…Im afraid that if this addiction he has does not stop, I will have no choice but to divorce him..we have so many trust issues and I have really given my all and done so much to help him…I just feel like I cant do anything else..if he doesnt want to change or feel the need to, should I continue to allow myself to be degraded like this or disrespected?? I know I deserve better than that

    • Porn is an arousal addiction, similar to, but not completely like, substance addictions. The high your husband receives from drugs is similar to the high he gets from porn.

      Keep in mind there are plenty of steps between discovering this problem and divorce. Follow Ella’s advice in these three articles, for starters.

      Second, think about ways you can communicate the offensiveness of this to him. He would not like it if you were chatting with men online and having sexual conversations. You see his porn use the same way: he is letting other women into his heart and mind. Tell him this is not what marriage is all about: it is about being the only one for each other and growing in intimacy.

  46. Reading this is killing me. About 6 months ago I was on my partner of 2 years’ computer and found a folder of images of different female friends of his. Some of them had been edited so that they were the only ones in the photo. It absolutely killed me! I don’t think I have ever been so heart broken by someone who I love. I confronted him about it and he promised me it wasn’t sexual just something he had that was his “naughty little secret”. Now here I am 6 months later and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what I found. Every time I see the women or know he’s spoken to them I want to vomit. Now I have just found that he has been spending hours on his phone surfing porn images while he is at work. I know I am not as pretty or as sexual as these women and no matter what I do I never will be. I spend my time going between wanting to change myself so he will find me attractive and wanting to confront him. But I am so scared that if I do then ill push him away. We have sex about once a week. I don’t think he finds me attractive or my body a turn on. I am so devastated.

    • Hi Kendy,

      Changing yourself to meet his needs is not the answer. Talking to him about this deeply felt insecurity could really help this situation. If he continues to do things that communicate that he wants to lust after other women, he needs to know (even though it should be obvious to him) that this harms you. He took a vow to you to be faithful to you, “forsaking all others.” He needs to treat this seriously.

      That said, even if he cleaned up his act today and gained your trust, you still have to find a way to deal with the memory of these things. Some of that can be healed over time as he demonstrates his love and affection for you, but some of that has got to be learned as you ground your identity in something much bigger than your sex appeal. Many women have found it helpful to talk to a counselor about these things, and I think that would be a great step for you as well.

  47. Hi reading these posts have really helped me not feel so alone, I

    have been with my Child Father for nearly 4 years, in this whole time

    porn has caused such problems, I have no trust at all, we have sex

    max once every 2 months and that is after weeks of me driving him

    mad telling how I feel so disconnected to him as there is no intimacy

    and when it does happen it feels so emotionless and it is a way to

    shut me up for a while, no kissing anymore EVER he doesn’t even

    look at me, this has made me feel so ugly I am now punishing myself

    by either starving for weeks or over eating, he says he has no drive but I have found porn on phone and computer, I have now put adult content restrictor on C and monitor phone, but think I have driven him underground, he comes home everyday from work with underwear that tells me he has been masturbating but gets angry and sulks and tells me im mad when I confront him, but of course I am not silly, he just does not care how this makes me feel and I am afraid it is destroying my life.

  48. I met the man of my dreams 7 years ago. We had an amazing 3 years. Our sex life was amazing. He had porn, looked at it from time to time. Everyone’s entitled to go it alone once in a while. Then I got pregnant. Then it went bad, really bad. As soon as I started to show, he would tell me how fat I was and gross I was. He wpuld get mad at me if I came home early from work or decided not to go to the store or something. I found porn everywhere. We had stopped having sex because he said it weirded him out cause I was pregnant. So after the horror of being pregnant and basically hated I had our son. I thought finally we will be better again. I won’t be all fat and gross to him anymore. No no no, boy was I way off. It kept going. He kept lying. He kept doing his thing, and left me alone completely. We had sex maybe 1 or 2 times every 2 months. And I had to beg and cry. It only ever lasted maybe 2 minutes. I would even wake up to him doing it alone right next to me even if we just had sex. He admitted that he got so angry about me being home when I wasn’t supposed to be because it ruined his time to masterbate.H masterbated at work, even in his car. He admitted it was like 4or 5 times a day. But when it came to me it was a big no go. So I dealt with it for 4 ore years. The whole time feeling horrible about myself. Hating myself, feeling alone ugly worthless betrayed. Well he claimed to have stopped looking at porn about 2 years ago, but our sex life never changed. He still didn’t want me. I still hated myself. We finally split up a few moths ago. But the pain is still there. I still feel worthless and disgusting. Will this ever go away? Will it ever stop hurting? The sad part is, I miss him so much. I was so in love. I still love him. What do I do? Do you think he ever really stopped?

    • Three things I’d like to say to you.

      First, I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way. This is no way for any husband to treat his wife.

      Second, I suspect he is still involved in pornography on some level. Even if he has decreased or stopped all use of porn, he obviously is ensnared by pornographic fantasy. If I were a betting man, I’d say he still probably still masturbating frequently. If I can use an analogy, if he has actually stopped looking at porn, then he’s like a “dry drunk.” Dry drunks may have quit the alcohol, but because their whole world still revolves around the alcohol they aren’t drinking, they are miserable people to be around. (Either way, if he’s using it or not, the problem still exists.)

      Third, you’ve put your finger on the trigger of the problem: The root problem is not the porn, but the lack of intimacy between you and him. Porn can totally rewire a man’s brain to believe that solo-sexuality is to be preferred to relational sex. This is one of the insidious problems with porn, especially as it becomes an ingrained habit. What you want more than anything else is not just that he would stop looking at porn, but that he would be passionate about you. This is what he needs to realize.

      Chances are good that he knows this already, but he’s incapable of being intimate with you because of the years he spent masturbating to images on a screen. Change is possible, but he has to want it. He might really benefit from reading this free e-book, The Porn Circuit.

      As for you, do you have anyone you can talk to about this in person. You need support right now as well. You need an advocate to stand in your corner and given you encouragement through this. Don’t discount your pain as trivial. Studies show that about 70% of women who have sexually addicted spouses show the same kind of signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Your pain is not trivial. You need support and the wisdom of others to help you to know how to talk to him and what to do next.

  49. I just realize in the last 4mos my husband is addicted to porn.
    i confronted him with evidence and he lied and said it wasn’t not him. He would stay up late waiting for me to go to sleep then get his IPAD out put a pillow between us just in case I wake up. If I did wake he would hurry up to shut it off. So I started acting like I was sleep and watch him for hours looking at porn without him noticing me. He sign up for several email accounts, online dating site freeF**kdates. He snaps pictures of the porn women with his phone and he keeps a note with there names. When we have sex he tell me im going to satisfy you and ill get mine later .Sometimes he loses his erection then hell say well he’s tired and stress.He does’nt initiate sex I ask for it everyday and only get it maybe 2x a week.
    Sometimes he will have a blank stare or be looking around the room while were having sex or he say lets do it in the dark so im left feeling hurt, insecure, ugly and any other words you think of. so now im thinking he’s thinking of the women on the sites he visits and I cannot and will not compete with that. He did say he’s looks at porn from time to time but would gave me a number and he stated he didnot have a porn habit. He has limit he time at home looking at porn but now he looks at it daily on his phone. Where does that leave us? I bring the issue up he tells me its all in my head and if i keep this up i will ruin our marriage with this nonsense and by the way he says I Love You
    Im and tired of pretending to be happy and smiling on the outside while im crying inside. I love him dearly with my every being but this is too much. I want him to come clean so we can start on a path of healing but right now is he pretending like there’s nothing wrong.

    • Ann, this is an awful situation, to be sure. Your husband is treating you so shamefully.

      What your husband is likely experiencing is all the negative physical effects of watching pornography. (This new book, The Porn Circuit, talks at length about this issue.)

      Have you told him that you stayed up to watch him looking at porn? Have you told him the specific things you’ve seen and the evidence you have for his behavior?

      Here’s how I might approach him if I were you. Remaining composed and calm, I would say, “I’ve watched you as you lay right next to me, looking at porn websites for hours. I know you’ve signed up for e-mail accounts for sites like freeF**kdates. I know you snap pictures of these porn women with your phone keep notes with their names. At this point, I do not believe you if you say your porn use is only occasional, and I even if it was only occasional, it is inexcusable. I want the best for our marriage. I want to be the one who satisfies you, not these pixels on a screen. But for us to have that kind of intimacy, you have got to get rid of the porn and relearn how to be intimate with me. I will not tolerate it anymore. You may think I’m blowing this up, but at this point you do not have my trust. What needs to happen for this to change?”

  50. my husband has a sever problem with porn. He used to masturbate to porn once a day now it is 2 to 3 times a day. He does it when Iam asleep in the next room and it really bothers me and causes me emotional pain. Sometimes I cant stand to look at him. We have sex once every 3 weeks and I have to instigate it and do all the work and he never returns favors. Like what he sees in porn I do but all though I do the same things he still wont stop looking at porn. My heart is broken and talking doesnt help. I dont know how to make it stop. why cant he just be intimate with me on a regular basis instead of porn 3 times a day? Its really making me depressed. Any suggestions?

  51. My husband falls into porn every year or so, and every time I catch him he says he’s sorry and will never do it again. It’s happened about 5 years in a row now, and I got so horribly upset last time, i grabbed a knife and gashed my arm. I meant to do a nick to upset HIM for a change and ended up needing stitches rather than a band-aid. I am so tired of this I can’t stand it. WHAT DO WE DO???? We have two kids, and honestly, if we didn’t have them, I think I’d leave him… :( But the porn is the only real problem we have, and the kids need both of us.

    • Hi Beck,

      It is terrible to hear how much your husband’s sin has driven you to the point of hopelessness. How much does he recognize this as a problem? Is he willing to do something (more than promise not to do it again) to stop? This is about him demonstrating to you through his actions his willingness to change. It sounds like this is something he needs to find help with. A lot of guys don’t like to try to find outside help for pornography, not just because porn is a shameful act, but because it is embarrassing to ask for help on anything for which you feel out of control. But this kind of humility is exactly what the doctor ordered for a man in his situation. It is his pride that causes him to believe he can stand on his own two feet and never fall: his pride is his downfall.

      That said, it also sounds like you need some help as well. To use self-harm as a means of inflicting pain on another demonstrates a great deal of internal pain: as you said, this rediscovery was devastating to you. Who have you spoken to about this? Counselor? Pastor? Good friend? You need someone who can walk through this trial with you, giving you sound, level-headed wisdom along the way.

      I highly recommend you watch counselor Brad Hambrick’s video series True Betrayal. It is excellent and geared toward woman in your shoes.

  52. I contacted a counselor in our area yesterday for couple’s counseling to talk about both issues, I’m still waiting for an answer. i’m not sure we can afford it though. I’m hoping to find a cheap or free counselor too, but i can’t find one yet.
    He knows its a problem, but he is following his low-life father’s example. Had the same problem, and all he did was say things and never follow through with ANYTHING. I’m sick to death of words, all i want is an example. i show him i love him by keeping the house clean, making meals for him, cleaning clothes, taking care of our kids, working on the side to bring in a little money…he doesn’t do anything around the house because he’s “too tired” which i believed until i realized he had time for porn…
    I had a family member talk to him about porn, and i think that helped, but i really want to find more help.

    • It is a good idea to find help. As for finding a free counselor, I know many Christian counselors offer free services (or services for whatever you can pay). You might want to look in this directory to see what you can find.

      It is all about believing his behavior, not his words. Talk is cheap. Talk is important, yes, but it isn’t the best indicator of change. In addition to the above videos, I recommend you read these free digital books:

      You can get these two free chapters from Doug Weiss’ books. He an expert in this problem.

      You can also read this book I edited a while back called Hope After Porn. There you will read about some “examples” that you asked about.

      Do you think the family member who talked to him about porn can continue talking to him? Your husband needs accountability and help to break this nasty habit in his life.

  53. Hi Ella,

    I decided to research pornography addiction classes for girlfriends and ran across your site. I have to say I’m new to this whole porn situation. I’ve maybe seen 2 my whole life. They have never been apart of my life. I’m really sorry to hear all these ladies stories. But like them I have been dating a guy for 2 years now a “very good looking” , handsome guy. He can charm his way through any situation and definitely charm the pants off any girl. I’ve been out with him and watched woman approach him. That’s how charming and debanair he is. He does not have a “REAL” everyday Job, he lives with a Million Air who’s a friend but also does work hear n there for this person just to get by n make ends meet. He told me of his porn addition in the begining and how it was the end of a 9 year relationship that he was totally happy in. (I should of ran) Even though he was honest with me in the beginning I really never quite understood or got the whole picture until recently. And truthfully I’m not sure I really have a complete understanding of this illness. During this 2 years he’d invite me over, we’d have sex. And great sex, he defiantly mastered his own technique. We connected sexually so well that just standing near him you could feel the chemistry. It was electric. It was AMAZINGLY hot n heavy in the beginning he would call, we’d go out I spent the night regularly, he even made a drawer for me at his place. I soon feel deeply in love with this guy he became my main focus and thought of everyday n night. If he’d call I would drop everything I was doing including break plans with my best girlfriends. I would bake for him cook for him ANYTHING for him… Then one day ( After I shared my feelings with him) he starts to pull away things get a little rocky we get into a few stupid arguments & he decides to tell me we are only dating and that I need to stop chasing him so much. I am not his girl friend He’s single and that’s the way he wants to keep it. I’m completely devistated I just invested my whole self, my whole heart, my whole body and spirit in this guy. All guards down. He starts saying things to me like “you think me or any guy for that matter would ever want a girl who gave it up so easily”. “Your crazy” Plus other mean, hurtful, and verbally damaging things. Long story short he would come and go as HE pleased and because I’m in love with him, I would think ” The next time” he will see I truly do love him and things will be different. Each time hed sleep with me, the time between seeing him would grow longer n longer. I’d cry and ask why he was doing this and I’d beg him to talk to me but nothing. Then he’d show back up charm his way right back in my bed, my life for the night or the weekend what ever worked in his favor. It got to the point to where he would never spend more than 12 hours with me. I have become very emotionally damaged by this man and By everything he has made me believe and feel about myself that isn’t even true. He has torn me down verbally basicly telling me im a liar and that he wants a good woman in his life. He finally admitted to me the other day that besides the Internet porn, he basically brought his fantasy off the screen and into his bed i was his real life porno girl, and that he doesn’t feel the same about me that I do him, and that he will never feel that way about me as he goes on to tell me all the things he does not like about me and all I do wrong in his eyes. I don’t understand?? I never saw this brick wall coming. I’m so so so in love with this man that I cry myself to sleep every night, I text him wanting answers only to get no reply or maybe a hear and there response. I moved 100 miles away from him just to clear my head and breath but hurt so badly everyday over his absence. I’m a really good person and would of done anything for this guy. Can you please help me. I need a recovery group or something I can learn why???? Why did he do this to me .. I was so sweet to him, I bought him things, took him places, gave him all of me to get slammed into a sliding glass door and all cut up inside. And the kicker for me is he doesn’t even care he’s hurt me. He walked away like he has never even known me. I recieved a text from him the other day that said he had to push me out of his life so he could find Christ and better his walk with him. He also said, I became his live addiction and he had zero feelings after 2 years, of what to me was very intimate times. Everything worked with us it was great .. What really hurts is that he knew the whole time I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I’m finally realizing he faked everything. He turned it on and off like a light switch. How?? Why?? What is wrong with me that I accept this type of treatment from him as if I’m not better than that ….. I want to learn to understand this illness so I may become stronger again. Everyone says its not you it’s him, but how ? How does someone have a sexual relationship with someone for 2 years no get up and walk out as if it never happened leaving the other person lying on the floor in devestation and pain.

  54. Stevie, I recommend you find a CODA group (google it) and also read the book, Women Who Love Too Much. The issues here is not the porn, even though it certainly has a lot to do with the issues this man has and his disrespect for women. But for you, the problem is, like you said, you being willing to let men treat you that way. There is a lack of self-respect and many possible reasons why so I can’t speculate. I also recommend counseling to address these issues. I wish you the very best.

  55. Hi there guys!
    I’m just so glad that there’s an actual website for women such as these broken hearts. I’m a 22year old mom to a toddler and well, I think my husband does have this addiction as well. I shiver just using this word as its such a stark reality. I’m the kind of person who hides my hurt and smiles out at the rest of the world, pretending that there’s nothing behind this mask. This is the first person or soul I’m really telling this to. I’ve caught out my husband a number of times with downloaded filthy videos.(God knows how I just smell exactly when he’s been at it! Can you explain that :-} )Yeah, well, whenever I confront him, thank god, he doesn’t lie, he admits immediately, but as you said, he always tells me that it has nothing to do with me, he says he loves my appearance and my body and whenever I catch him at it, he always promises that it’s the last time, but do they ever stop? He says that sometimes I am pulled up with him or not smiling for whatever reason, this leads him to these things. He tells me that if I straighten out my behaviour with him, he’ll be straight as well. I’m just beginning to wonder…Hell, can’t I just close my eyes and make it all go away? He says that he feels frustrated that we don’t always get to do things together as baby is around and we’ll have to wait for baby to sleep etc etc. I try to give him as much as time possible but I’m a mom to a small babe.I fell pregnant quite soon after marriage. Ts porn thing makes me feel so exhausted. Too exhausted to love him as before. What on earth do I do?

    • HI Daisy,

      First, your husband is right about one thing: his fixation on porn has nothing to do with you. You cannot be more _______ or _______ enough and make this thing go away. He has to take charge of this himself.

      Did you finish the series by Ella about this, especially part 3? I think you’ll read some good next steps there.

  56. Before July 2013 my husband used to love having sex with me every night, sometimes when we wake up in the morning and sometimes in the middle of the night but two months ago everything has changed. At first i thought that he was cheating on me. So i went through his phone but didnt find anything that could prove that he’s cheating on me. But when i browsed his internet history on his phone, there were quite few porn websites he had visited. I also checked his laptop and same as well. So then i thought that my husband is somehow addicted to porn. I talked to him about it but he’s in denial. There were a few times i caught him on the act. This is really hurting and bothering me a lot!

    • Camille, since you’ve caught him in the act and since you can show him the evidence on his Internet devices, he can’t deny that he uses porn. The issue is not whether he is “addicted” (although, he might, in fact, be addicted). The issue is whether he is fantasizing about porn women while being married to you. Have you talked to him about that?

  57. I have been with my husband for almost 7 years & have been married for 2 years having met on a dating site. Our relationship has been amazing, affectionate & passionate up until a couple of years ago when I suspected, confirmed & confronted him about his regular porn site visits after finding history on our laptop.
    I believe that he didn’t stop watching porn as soon as I left the house he simply deleted the history & covered his tracks.
    He very rarely uses the laptop at home now as he is in an office job which has an in house pc. What he watches on here is out of my hands but he is now watching porn on his phone.
    He visits the bathroom daily & before bed each night spending 20 minutes or so in there sometimes which he assures me is because he is using the toilet. I have checked his history on his phone & have seen that he is watching porn.
    Our sex life has diminished from 6-7 times a week to 2-3 & this is weekends only & I believe that when we do have sex it’s after he has watched porn which has turned him on.
    Today I left home to take the dog for a walk & he decided to stay in bed. When I checked his phone he had watched porn while I was out with the dog even though he had watched it last night before bed.
    I feel bad for checking his phone & know he would go mad if he knew but that now makes me feel at a loss as to what to do. I feel unattractive & not at all sexy but how do I approach him when all he will do is flip at me for checking his phone.
    I feel sorry for him in a way & really think he needs help but am pretty sure he won’t admit he has a problem.

    • Here’s how I might approach him, “I’d like to talk to about something that’s been on my mind. I know in the past you’ve really struggled with pornography. I know this is something you’ve wanted to stop doing for the sake of building trust in our marriage. I believe the best way for us to build trust is for us to not have secrets. I would like to reserve the right to look at your phone’s Internet history whenever I want. This is something I need to see so I can rebuild my trust of you.” Then ask to see his phone.

      If he is defensive, stay calm and say, “I’m confused. Why wouldn’t you want me to see your phone. If I was doing erotic video chats with men online, I would expect you to want to know that. I would expect you to not trust me until I proved that I wasn’t doing that anymore. That only makes sense.”

      He might say, “Well, that’s different.” Ask him why. What makes it different? If he says that there’s a big difference between watching porn and chatting online, then you know the source of the problem: he doesn’t think watching porn is a big deal that should concern you. Draw this difference of opinion out to him. Say, “This is where we disagree. You think looking at porn is no big deal, but I do. We are going to have to come to some sort of agreement about this, because it sounds like you have no problem with it and are willing to hide it from me just to keep me happy. You would have to agree: this is not the kind of marriage you want, and this is not what it means to have trust.”

      See where this gets you.

  58. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I am very much in love with him. About 10 years ago I caught him masturbating to porn. I became as obsessed about “catching him” at it as he was with doing it. I kept telling myself things to bury how it was actually making me feel but I realize now I was living and breathing his porn addiction daily by constantly wondering what he was doing and snooping on him. In the last few years we have had a lot of stressors in our life and he had been spending less and less time with me and the kids. I finally had an affair. I was feeling so horrible about myself and my life and then this guy comes along and tells me all the things I need to hear about myself. It was a horrible thing to do and I feel SOOO guilty. I know there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. But now my husband has left me and our three kids. He has a girlfriend in another state that he met on an affiar website. He is so mad at me. He tells me his addiction to porn was all of my fault because I didn’t have sex with him enough. That I rejected him to much and he had no choice but to take care of things himself. I don’t know if that is true or not – we didn’t have sex very often. Maybe once ever 6 months. But I now wonder if I was never in the mood because I sensed something was going on. I often felt like an object instead of his partner in the bedroom. He refuses to come back to me and says he is just totally pissed. The thing I don’t understand is why he can’t see what he was doing to me all of these years. Am I wrong in thinking that instead of being pissed and leaving his wife and three kids, he should be feeling remorse for his years of addiction and what that did to our marriage? He grew up with extreme sexual abuse at the hands of his father so I can’t help but feel if I could just get him in to therapy he could be the man I know he is. But he refuses to go. Also, I wanted to say, his brain has definitely changed from all of these years of watching porn. He is less decisive, he can’t remember things, he has a poor opinion of women in general, he blames others for his actions and he is making choices that he would have NEVER made years ago. I don’t know what to do – or even if it is worth trying to do anything. I don’t understand why I want him back… but I do.

    • Hi RebaLou,

      Thanks for sharing your story here. It breaks my heart to see how much sexual brokenness can break up a family: sex abuse, adultery, pornography. My prayers are with you and your family.

      First, you are not crazy for wanting your husband back. Marriage was designed by God to be for life, and there is naturally a mourning one should feel at the loss of that.

      Second, everything in your story sounds cyclical. He uses porn; you feel less desirable and initiate sex less; he reacts and seeks out more porn; you feel lonely and unattractive; you have an affair; he retreats into more porn and an Internet girlfriend; the cycle continues. The point isn’t who is more to blame: both of you had a hand in these things. Both of you were sinned against. Both of you chose to react to another person’s sin in a sinful way. Both of you sinned against each other.

      That said, as the man in this relationship, your husband needs to understand his role and he has failed to do that. He sought out porn instead of pursuing you. If you really were not giving him enough sex (and once every 6 months is pretty minimal), then he should have spoken to you about it and pursued a romantic relationship with you, not retreated into the easy road of porn. When you had an affair, he most likely used that as an excuse to leave the relationship with no thought of reconciliation. I’m not saying he left the relationship for for no good reason, but he continues to do harm to himself and to you by not forgiving you.

      What to do now: First, seek his forgiveness for the affair. Explain you know the difference between forgiveness and trust: forgiveness seeks to hold no grudge or retaliate against you, but trust needs to be re-earned. You desire his forgiveness. Second, tell him that for the sake of his own heart and his future relationships to seek help for his porn problem. He needs to get the root of why he looks at porn so much, because you are not the cause of that. He’s lying to himself if he tells himself that. No woman, no matter how attentive or beautiful, can capture a man’s heart who is already captured by porn.

  59. Wow… after reading all these stories I don’t feel so alone. So thank you ladies. I’m 33 my husband is 48. We have been married almost 13 yrs. His second marriage… when we meant I found numerous videos and magazines. I asked him about them and his response was he didn’t need it anymore he used it because he was single for 3 yrs. I believed him and moved on. Well since then I have found porn and nude sites several several times. He always says he sorry and won’t do it again but he does. He claims he has never masturbated to anything he just looks. I don’t believe that. My husband has had issues with being able to maintain an erection enough to have sex. We have sex in other ways but not the way we should.I have never made an issue of it in fear I would make him feel like less of a man but he has no problem making me feel like less of a woman.he recently started to receive help but I just don’t think I can get over being hurt so many times. Tonight I took my wedding rings off an said I will jot put them back on until I see a change.I just don’t think he will change. last November I had found nudes galore on our computer which seemed to bother me more than porn. I told him I was leaving an the next day his dad passed away. We worked things out at the time and he again promised me he would stop. I found it again today. I love him so much but hate him so much at the same time. Do I stay for us and our two hoys?? Idk…. anymore… I feel so ugly unattractive and not sexy at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated…. thank you…

    • Hi Mandy,

      Many wouldn’t blame you for ditching your husband and running from all of this, but you’re no fool if you stick it out a while longer to see if a real transformation can happen. It is possible, and for the sake of your marriage vows, your husband, your kids, and your own heart, it is worth trying.

      The real question is where you can go from here. In part 3 of this series, Ella answers the question, “Is there hope? Can a man like this change?” Ella writes, “I recommend that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship.” She then outlines what some of those boundaries could be.

      Your husband likely needs some help with this. Porn can sink its teeth deep into a person the same way drugs and alcohol can (in fact, the same neurochemicals are activated watching porn, meaning that it has a similar addictive nature). Many guys don’t quit this by sheer willpower. Our free book, The Porn Circuit, talks a lot about this. Feel free to point your husband toward us as a resource. We’d love to help him. But just remember, you cannot do the hard work for him. He must be the one to own his wrongdoings and make steps to change.

  60. Hi, I met this wonderful guy about 6 months ago. In the beginning he wanted to have sex often but not romantic love making, he wanted to try different position like porn he said, claimed he love me but after 3 months into the relationship all sex stop. We had no sex in the last 3 months, when i go see him we would cuddle and sleep, sometimes i feel his erection but he makes no effort to start anything., i tried kissing him to turn him on but still nothing. Am so hearth broken and i am positive its porn cause he mention once that he watches porn and masturbate

  61. I’m just so broken, this has been an ongoing battle for 6 long years. I don’t even cry anymore because I’m so fed up. I now find my husband watching gay porn, transgendered porn, rape porn, and the list goes on and on. He has apologized and promised to stop so many times I’ve lost count. I don’t know what else to do but leave. Its like he doesn’t care at all. Leaving seems to be my only option, maybe that will open his eyes. He doesn’t even come to bed with me because he’s to busy watching porn, we haven’t had sex in weeks. I’m tired of yelling, fussing, feeling worthless, crying, and down about myself.

    • Leaving him is an option, but I would first recommend deliberate separation as a means to help him to see the seriousness of his wrongdoing. He needs to know that he is pushing you away. Divorce is an ugly thing, so don’t be too quick to go there. I’m so sorry to hear about what he’s been doing, especially since his fetishes are so harmful to you, your marriage, his mind…and to the women in those films who are being brutalized.

      Do you have anyone you can speak to about these things face to face? It is so important for you to have a lot of support right now.

    • Polly, have never reached that point, but my heart and prayers go out to you. I will pray for your husband. Porn is the devils bait to tempt men. I feel the lowest I have ever felt after reading yours and others posts. I WILL NEVER look at the poison again. I swear to you, everyone here and most of all God.

  62. Lord, I am so very sorry. I am such a POS. I pray for forgiveness for the hurt I have caused women. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I ask God to forgive me and I ask all I have hurt to forgive me. I feel so low, but I realize I should feel ashamed, very ashamed.

  63. My fiance and I are getting married in a week. I have worked with him with so many things, not just porn. I know he had an issue with it before he met me, as he used to be the ‘provider’ of porn to his buddies in high school and college. I also had a problem with it. I hadn’t been in a relationship, so it was a good way of a ‘release’ for myself. After about a month or two of going out, I had stopped watching it, as my needs were being meted by my new partner. I’ve never had an issue with the past of bf’s watching porn, or at least I didn’t know about it. So nothing ever came up.

    Then I start to get viruses on my computer, and he is spending the night all the time. This never happened with my computer before. About after a year and a half of being with him, I noticed he had a porn addiction. He had magazines and hundreds of videos in his room. I had him delete everything on the computer, and he tossed the magazines and videos. I thought that it was over with. We then move in together (in his mothers house) since I had been kicked out of my own home and had no where to go. We get a new car, I get a great new job, and we are doing well.

    I start to find all those videos that he told me he deleted. He just put them on a hard drive, and plugged it in when he wanted to use it. He hasn’t been working for most of the time that we’ve been together since he was wrongly accused of something (This is another issue all in itself).

    He is also Mexican, and was raised in a household where the women do everything, and the man is waited on. (Another issue we have been dealing with).

    I have gave him ultimatums saying that if he didn’t stop looking at porn, that we would take a break and I would move out and live in my car if I had to. He doesn’t want to lose me so he says he will stop. He has said he will stop at least 3 times, and we have a god cry because he is ashamed and sorry that he hurt me.

    He hasn’t watched porn from what I can tell in the last month and a half. but then I go through the history on the ‘iPad’ and it shows he has been looking up girls on Twitter. This makes me feel like he is ‘shopping’ for other women when they are on his profile.

    I feel no love when we have sex. In fact I would call it just that, sex. He claims to have ‘erectile dysfunction’ because he can’t keep it up for long. He has to stay a consistent ‘motion’ in order for him to finish. He gets angry when he isnt able to stay hard, and sometimes accidentally directs that anger towards me (Not in a physical way). He never advances on me anymore, and he is making me feel worthless and ugly.

    Before I knew he had a problem, he wanted to get a loan to start a porn business since there’s big money to be made in that business, so he says. I thought about it, since he wasn’t working and it was something he could do with his time. He called my mother and asked if he could borrow her camera (I did not know of this), he went over to her house while her bf was at work, and told him he wanted to borrow the camera to take some pictures of girls to look into doing this porn website. Now this is where the story gets tricky. My mom said that my fiance asked her to pose in lingerie so we have something to start out with. My mother is a bit heavy set, and my fiance said that she OFFERED to pose in lingerie to help us start out. I haven’t been able to look at my mother the same way and have found myself starting a fight with her whenever we speak because I haven’t forgiven her.

    I have finally started to feel comfortable with having sex with my fiance again but its not the same.

    I love him and want to forgive him. How do I help him with this? Please someone help! I am 24, he is 26, we are still young and have our whole life ahead of us. I don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

    • My immediate instinct is to tell you to cut your losses and leave him, given his behavior toward your mother. (Out of respect for you, if he asked, he shouldn’t have done so; and if she offered, he should have refused.)

      However, if you truly do believe he’s repentant and is trying to quit, the next step is to get information to help him break free from what sounds like a full addiction. And remember: addiction is an actual biological and neurological response to a stimulus. He has trained his brain to require porn. He WILL go through withdrawal symptoms. In fact, erectile dysfunction is a common result of porn use. Basically, he’s been training his brain to require thousands of women to be turned on, and you can’t compete.

      The information he needs, then, is the sort that will explain what porn is doing to him, as well as how to detox. You can get a lot of that information in our e-book The Porn Circuit, and he would probably benefit from the community support from Reddit’s NoFap group as well.

      You may also want to set up reports for his Internet use through accountability software. It’s not spyware he should know that his Internet use is being monitored, and ideally he should willingly volunteer to have it monitored. These reports should go to someone you both trust to address the heart of his porn use, like triggers that cause him to turn to porn instead of, say, talking to you about his problems. You may also want to receive his reports yourself. It will hurt when you see him turning to porn – and remember, he’s addicted so he almost certainly will – but knowing that you will know when he views porn may help break the temptation to look at it in the first place.

      (As part of Internet Accountability, make sure you replace Safari on his iPad with a monitored browser, and then lock it down so he can’t install apps without your permission.)

      Either way, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you postpone the wedding until you get this sorted out. I’m sure that sounds painful (and probably expensive), especially since you’re hoping things turn out well, but postponing it is still cheaper than a potential divorce.

    • I totally agree with Lisa on this one: Call off the wedding (for now). I have had similar struggles and I promise you, what a guy like this needs is for you to keep the standards high, forgive him as much as you are able (and then some more), but be uncompromising in your commitment to having this out of his life before you move forward. It’s suicide to do anything else. I would also stop having sex with him.

      This is not meanness on your part. It is deep kindness.

  64. I have been with my partner for 8yrs and been married for 2 and we have a 1yr boy.
    We are both around 30. When I first met my partner, I never knew how bad his addiction was, and don’t think it was as bad as it is now. Like any typical male I thought it was normal to have you know the dirty Calendar in the shed, buys a zoo magazine, gets the odd dirty email from mates etc.
    But It wasn’t till a few years being together I think it all got worse. I caught him watching porn. I left for work and had forgotten something then ducked back into the house but he didn’t see me and gave him a fright and was quick to turn it off, and asked him what he was doing and his reply was nothing. and I got really upset and thought I wasn’t good enough for him, but he thinks it ok and normal for guys to do this. So I was angry and upset for a bit but got over it thinking he would stop, but it never ended there caught him again, and also all the history on the Internet, then he learnt how to clear that when I found out how else he was doing it.
    We never have a problem doing it or him getting hard etc, he more has a problem With PE. Not lasting very long. So he gets upset with that but I’ve told him that it doesn’t worry me, I married u for who you are and don’t get down on yourself as many men have this problem.
    He says he is doing this because of that, but that is just a lie he has a addiction that he will never get over, I don’t think as we have ended up in many heated arguments about me finding this rubbish and it has to stop or I’m out. But When you come home and find a piece of paper with girls names on it/porn names and then google it then find that rubbish on it I believe he has got a problem, anyone who has time to do this has a problem.
    He doesn’t realise how much it hurts me to think that I’m worthless and why am I even in his life if he doesn’t even need me or to be evenlooking at all those women, when he has me. He is loving and caring but has this side to him that i dont like. When I think things are going good and hasn’t been doing it, then bam slaps me back in the face.
    I nearly find it hard to even have sex with him after finding all this. Then he thinks I never want to do it with him.
    I always treat it as he is cheating on me. All I want is for him to do is stop going out of his way to look at that filth. Does he have a problem or is it just me. He knows I hate it and how upset I get when I do find out he’s doing it, but he doesn’t see the wrong side of this, and still manages to always go back looking at it when I’m out or go to bed early.

  65. I’ve had problems with my husbands addiction to pornafter a long time of being addicted i found out and it’s ruining our married I’ve left him but we’re still trying to workthis out I’m scared because he says that images flash inhis head andheclaimsthey become so strong till he watches it he’s told me sometimes he watches it with and without a sexually desire.. where do we go from here? how can i trust him ever? whydoeshehaveflashes ofthisCrap?

    • Hi Carolyn,

      The longer a person subjects himself to pornography, the more changes take place in his brain. It is very much like a drug addiction: he’s literally become addicted to his own neurochemistry. He experiences a tremendous high from watching the porn, then a crash, and each time the crash gets worse and worse. Finally, he’s no longer watching porn to feel good, but just to feel normal. When your husband says he just watches without any sexual desire, this is probably what he’s referring to.

      The flashbacks are the images of years of porn etched on his mind. Watching porn leaves deep impressions in the mind, so flashbacks are expected.

      How can you trust him again? Two things need to happen. First, he needs to be willing to change the way he lives so that he exhibits trustworthy behavior. Second, you have to be willing to let him build a track record of trustworthy behavior. This post talks about this some.

  66. Idk he’s still in his clean up my mess phase so it’s hard to tell he quit using his phone and computer but there’s still a million ways he can view it. as far as the flashes go what’s up with that?

  67. it bothers me so bad that i don’twanna have sex because he’s made me uncomfortable.. does he see this while we’re intimate or whenever he’s horny?
    is it bad for him to the same naked vivid image flashes of me?

  68. so if he’s having these flashbacks of me as well then those are ok? i just don’t like it because i don’twant to be mixed in with that Crap

    • It would be good for him to refrain from masturbation altogether since it is so tied to his pornographic fantasies. He should focus, instead, on getting some good counseling and intimacy with you (sexual and non-sexual intimacy).

  69. My husband is not a christian as I am. He sees no problem with porn, he thinks its natural. We have not been intimate for months and it was not satisfying for him or me. He is also addictet to drugs and alcohol. For years he blamed me for his lack of interest saying I didnt get him excited and always wanted me to perform oral sex on him which always made me feel dirty and used and then I still didnt get any sex. I have stopped allowing him to use me in that way as I became more aware it was not Gods intention for our relationship to be thatway. Im at the end of my tether. 23 years of marriage and im so lonely even though he is in my bed. We barely talk, he spends a good part of his life alone drinking getting high and watching porn. Please help me if you can.

    • Hi Desperate,

      It sounds like you are at the end of a very long rope. It pains me to hear stories like this.

      What have you done about setting clear boundaries regarding his use of porn? From the sounds of it, he would likely blow right through those boundaries anyway, but when we set clear boundaries it forces others to make a choice. I recommend you watch this video to learn more.

  70. I would like to talk to someone, although I don’t use it anymore, I still need some help and I’m really suffering now that my wife and I are what she calls platonic. I fear everyday that I can’t repair anything and she doesn’t care how much I say I love her anymore.

    • Hi Charlie,

      Start by asking her what rebuilding trust looks like to her. It is great that you say you love her, but actions speak louder than words. Perhaps there is something she still needs to see from you that would help convince her you are really changing.

      It is possible, at this point, that your wife is unwilling to trust you regardless of what you do. After you have explored everything you can do on your end, you might suggest to her that you both need to go to marital counseling. Having a platonic marriage isn’t healthy.

  71. I’ve being in a relationship for a year now. He was the perfect man all that I have ever prayed for. He is number 3 (since my divorce over 5 yrs) and have met him on a dating site… Funny enough I realised that all 3 off them are addicted to porn. I just didn’t think that the 3rd one will be into it as he is a Christian and even plays in the church band every Sunday. We do not miss a sermon or heaven forbid you start to eat before you have said grace. We’ve talked about porn and other sexual things and it was a definite no-no to him. He will never do it. I then listened to my gut feel a few months ago…and saw he was still on the dating sites and watched porn. We talked about it and his excuse was he cant seem to stop the invites etc and porn sites to open on his computer whenever he does some search as it has infected his laptop. I believed him, but did research and found he lied …anyhow I left it as I really love this man. Then I caught him out for the 5th time but this time I managed to get the evidence first printed it out and confronted him. He confessed he’s being addicted to it even during his marriage – but he only did it as his wife did not please him and would not want to have sex. That drove him to the sites. I said to him that he is no longer with his wife and we have a healthy sex life why still do it. He could not give me an answer….but said he is willing to stop so that we can work on our relationship. I said I’m willing to help him and to stand by him. However I did more research and found that his wife knew all about these things and when I asked him when he confessed he said – he think she might have had some suspicion but never confronted him…well she actually did know and I found letters where she told him to choose…well he chose the sites that is why is divorced today – but I did not know that. Anyhow we still working on the relationship and I would share my feelings regularly on how I feel…he will agree and said that is why he stopped his addiction. Only to find once again that he went back on the sites again. Each time when it happens he will tell you some sort of lie… Anyhow yes I believe they lie a lot about it and it is very sad to think that whatever they say they will never stop with it. I even wrote a letter to our Pastor at church and he did a sermon on this topic…after church I asked what he think of the sermon…his response I didn’t really get a lot of the sermon as it was too hot in church to think and pay attention.
    So make piece with it either you accept him for what he does and share him with that or you make a decision to leave him. They will never stop that nonsense. Even number 2 he is married now and even worse than when he was single.
    Ladies yes I agree I also feel not pretty etc I also beat myself down but I realised it is not worth the fight – this is a competition that you not going to ever win.
    So one would like to say build a bridge and get over it…well I’m working on this one now….got the plans for the bridge just need to start the building work… But fully knowing that I will never trust a man again…seems as if there is no more men out there with morals and values.

    • Hi Jacky,

      Self-deception and deceiving others is what addicts do well. They lie to themselves all the time about the strength of their addiction. They lie to others all the time about the specifics.

      You’ve been doing a lot of things right with your husband in this process, but it sounds like he lacks the self-control to change. What had he done to find accountability for this problem? Has he spoken with any of the leaders at the church to get counsel and mentoring? If he’s unwilling to talk about it with anyone else (except you) then he likely won’t be free of this.

      If he’s looking for really good resource to help him and he’s willing to commit to it, tell him he should check out the False Love series by Christian counselor Brad Hambrick. It’s a free video series online. I recommend guys get together with a good, godly friend and watch this series together, helping one another to unearth the hidden motives that are driving the addiction.

      There are men who stop. I am one of them. I know hundreds more. Change is possible because we worship a God who can do the impossible.

  72. I am 36 years old and I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 20. We have been married for 15 years and I became aware of his pornography addiction our first year of marriage. He would stay up for hours at night on the computer and I would beg him to come to bed but that would only anger him and perpetuate the problem. I saw this as infidelity and confronted him. He denied it until I found a DVD and shattered it into pieces. My hurt feelings turned to anger and I entered into an affair with a coworker for six years until that coworker started having an affair with another coworker and that relationship ended. Almost immediately I found someone to replace him because of my anger with him and it then became a pattern and it was like I had been sucked into a sex addiction of my own. Over the years I have ignored my husband’s sex addiction and he has never confronted me about having affairs although he has made comments to me about having boyfriends. My sexual encounters with my husband over the years slowly became less and less and there have been periods of time that we have not had sex for several months. Neither of us confront the other about it but it is like a cancer in our relationship. I feel like I am trapped in a marriage that is a lie and I lie to myself that nothing is wrong or justify that what I do is ok because he pushed me to it. At the end of each day I hate myself and go through periods of deep depression and self loathing. I have read many of the stories shared on this site and I can relate to most all of them. What he and I are doing isn’t about sex or love… it is about addition and denial. When I met him he drank beer daily and that turned into drinking Scotch daily which then led me drinking a bottle of wine everyday. Just like the affairs I go through periods where I try to stop drinking but I come back to it. I know we both need serious counseling but I feel like it will end our relationship if we bring these things to the surface and it is much easier to try to suppress them. Which brings me to another skeleton in my closet. I was molested by my father as a child after my parents divorced and I have buried this secret for 23 years now and I tell myself that I am not damaged by it but once again I lie to myself because it is easier than dealing with the truth. My husband really wants children and at one point I did but between our relationship and my baggage from being molested I have convinced myself to not have children and that I don’t want children but it is the furthest thing from the truth. It is also breaking my marriage apart but both us coming from broken families and it is like we stay together because of it and because we have been together for so long that we don’t know anything else. I don’t want to divorce but I hate living in this dysfunction.

    • Hi Anonymous,

      This story is heartbreaking to read. Such a seemingly endless cycle.

      If you want a healthy marriage to this man, then of course, the other sexual partners have to stop. There is no reason (anger, revenge, loneliness, etc.) that justifies cheating on your husband, just as there no motive that justifies him looking at porn all the time.

      That said, it is difficult to make a change like this when there are so many sweeping changes that have to take place in your marriage. This has to start with talking about the problem, raising the bar in your marriage and see what he thinks about it. He might laugh at the idea, but at least you know where he stands. From there, seeking out marriage counseling would be a great thing to do. Again, if he laughs at the idea, at least you know where he stands and you can find some wisdom for yourself to determine what you have to do next. Not to mention, receiving some counseling regarding your past of sex abuse would be good for you as well. I recommend the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.

  73. Hello everyone, I’m new to this site and I’m so glad I found it. I’ve read many of the stories and I find comfort in the fact that im not alone. My story is similar to many on here except that I’m not married. It’s been almost two years that I’ve been with my boyfriend. It started off great, we really connected. However, there was something wrong.. In our sex life. Each time we were intimate he would always make it a point to get me there never getting there himself. When I asked him about this, he confessed that he had been struggling with an addiction to porn. He said he used it as an escape from his previous marriage in which he was very unhappy. I tried being as understanding as possible, keeping in mind this was obviously something very difficult for him to reveal. He promised things would get better and that he really wanted to make it work. Soon after that I found out he was more involved in the porn than I ever imagined. He would even watch it at work. I also found pictures and videos on his phone. When confronted, he would always apologize and promise once again, that things would get better. That was almost two years ago. Well, recently it has been about four months he hasn’t engaged in it. I know this is true because he has always been honest about when he does it. I was once again disappointed and angry. I can’t help but visualize him sitting there watching those women and getting of with them, something he has never done with me. Also, In our society where sex is used to sell everything from cars to shampoo, I’m constantly reminded of it. In the beginning there were also times what he actually tried to say I didn’t do this or that in a certain way and if I did, maybe he would get there. I actually bought that knowing full well I’ve never had a problem. Now I realize its not me, However, because of my co -dependency issues, I’m finding it really difficult to end this because I’m ridiculed with guilt! He’s a great guy otherwise and I truly believe he loves me he has proven it in so many other ways. But for so long I put others and thier wants and needs before my own and so while I realize I must change the behavior, can’t shake the guilt at this moment. Any advice?

    • HI Maria,

      The guilt you feel is common for women in your position. You are smart enough to know you haven’t caused his addiction to porn (he has chosen that himself). He has conditioned his mind to respond to a certain kind of sexual stimuli, and as a result he is basically impotent with you.

      It sounds like he knows the porn is a problem, even if he justified it before as an escape from a bad marriage. He’s with you now, so his excuse for “escape” can’t be used anymore (not that it was truly justified before, he just thought it was). Now it is a habit that isn’t going away. For many men (and women) it is an addiction, and like all addictions, he needs help overcoming this. He can’t do it on his own.

      It starts with him recognizing the grip porn has on his life and what it is robbing from him. Instead of giving you the pleasure of pleasing him, and instead of him reaching climax with the woman he loves, he is stuck turning to pixels on the screen. He has tried to stop but can’t. He should seek out help to break free of the cycle. He can find this help in a number of places (counselor, pastor, support group, etc.), but he has to take the initiative, swallow what pride he has, and admit he can’t do it alone.

      As for you, he has harmed you with his constant porn use. You sound like a very understanding and supportive woman, which is great, but be careful this doesn’t turn into enablement. He needs to know that porn is costing him something in his relationship with you. Tell him this is something that has to go. Tell him you want the best for him, for you, for your sex lives.

      Do might consider finding support for yourself as well. It is important you not neglect yourself in the midst of all of this.

  74. Thank you so much Luke for your response. Can u believe he says he wants to end it! He wants to end it! He said he “tried”. Kep in mind, he attended two, mind you two counseling sessions! He didn’t even want to go, I pushed him to go! Instead of saying he will seek help, he says lets end it! I realize he’s not ready to let go of the addiction. Wow, to lose a relationship with someone who loves you over what? As you called it a pixel?! Going to take your advice focus on myself, I deserve better!

    • Sad, Maria. Sad. If he’s truly ending it with you, please take the time to recover from this yourself. Talk to someone who has some experience in this about how you feel. It will be therapeutic.

  75. Hello,

    I have been facing with my husband’s porn and sex addiction for 9 years. Obviously when we met, I didn’t know about his problem. After one year of marriage he cheated on me with one of his students, I found out and wanted to get a divorce but he said that he had this addiction. He has been in treatment for a while, then he stopped it saying that it wasn’t for him or the psychologist wasn’t good enough, etc (I guess there all were excuses).

    Recently, I’ve been considering the possibility of a separation as he says that he thinks that his addiction went worse those years of being married to me. He said that one of his psychologist suggested that there´s something that it’s not working in our relationship that makes him continue into his addiction and makes it worse.

    I would like to know if it is possible that a wife causes that this addition goes worse.

    Thank you

    • Hi Confused,

      I’m not exactly sure what the psychologist meant by this statement, but let me try to separate truth from lies.

      First, his addiction is his own. It started before you met him. He allowed it to escalate. He is responsible for it.

      Second, the idea that “there’s something that’s not working in your relationship” may be true, but it’s hardly a meaningful statement without some more clarity. Every couple has problems in their marriage. Every man and woman sins against his or her spouse. That’s a given. The question is how this may or may not play into his addiction.

      It is true that stress in a relationship or a disconnect may exacerbate a man’s addiction, but only in the sense that stress or a desire for intimacy is a trigger for him. Let me be very clear here, because this can be easily misunderstood. A man might develop a habit that any time he is stressed or hurt or lonely or bored he turns to porn as an outlet. His job might be a source of those triggers. His friendships might be a source. His family might be a source. And yes…his marriage might be a source. However, the long term answer for him is not simply removing all potential sources of conflict in his life (he would have to go live in a cave somewhere if that were the case). Rather, the long term solution is learning to cope with life in new ways that don’t involve porn. If your marriage is a source of conflict or stress or some other negative emotion for him, the solution is not, “See, my wife’s the problem.” The solution is, “I am called now to be a man, to fight for my marriage to make it all it should be, and to recognize that any triggers that might be present in my relationship are really opportunities to choose a different path.”

      I do think you both should work on your marriage as he is working on his recovery. That is very important. But he should never take the attitude that because his marriage isn’t what he wants, he looks at porn. His problems in marriage might be troubling to him, but nothing in a man’s life is an excuse to look at porn. Nothing.

  76. Late last year i discovered that my husband was registered on a site where he was viewing escorts profiles, local to our area. He was buying photos and videos of them and claimed that he had never and would never contact any of them. Unfortunately i then discovered that he had an account on twitter which i knew nothing about. He was using this to follow porn stars, chat TV hosts, an escort website and other women who he found attractive! Also looking at his history i discovered that he had been viewing a lot of porn. The whole thing made my stomach churn and made me feel like i did not know who my husband really was! We have 2 children under 2 and since the birth of our first child our sex life has suffered. The thing is he rarely came on to me and there were times when i’d approach him and he would be unable to perform. I am not against porn but in my opinion there is a time and place for it. We had a good chat about things and he claimed that porn was not enough yo satisfy him which is why he started viewing escort sites. We decided to work on our relationship and our sex life improved a lot. I have now discovered that when he is in his office working alone he has been viewing porn- supposed to be working and viewing porn- not right in my opinion! This leads me to believe that he has a real problem with it? After what i discovered last year and the effect it had at the time, it shocks me that he is now viewing porn during work hours! He has also been erasing his web history to try and cover this up but has been forgetting to close the applications he has opened allowing me to view the content of what he’s been viewing. Advice needed!

    • Hi Emma,

      Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your husband wakes up and smells the coffee: what’s he’s doing is hurting not just his libido but his marriage.

      First, it is important to confront him about what you know. If this has been escalating behind your back, you need to talk to him again. He needs to know this will not stay hidden.

      Second, you need to express how you really feel about this. (1) That this behavior makes you not trust him. (2) That this is being unfaithful to his wedding vows to “forsake all others” and you feel betrayed by it. (3) That you are willing to forgive him but he must earn your trust back with trustworthy behavior over time. (4) That you desire to rekindle the love in your marriage and be his only sexual satisfaction. (5) That one of the trustworthy behaviors he should begin doing is finding help for this problem. This is a very, very common compulsive and addictive pattern today among men and there is help available for this.

      I recommend you download and read these free chapters from Dr. Doug Weiss’ books. Dr. Weiss partners with our company to get these chapters into people’s hands because he knows how many hurting marriages are out there.

      I also highly recommend you begin taking care of your own heart in all of this. He may be the addict, but you are the victim. You need to be able to process this information and figure out some next steps. Download our free e-book for wives about this. We worked with numerous counselors to publish it.

  77. I knew my husband viewed porn early in our marriage and figured he “dabbled: ocassionally. Well, last summer i discovered how much he dabbled. He’s been ordering porn videos and having them delivered to his office. A couple of the videos were beyond disgusting. They portrayed man on man and voyuerism. I searched the history on his computer and found some of the most raunchy sites. What made me curious was his behavior. He started saying things he’d never said before; telling he he’d like to know what it felt like to give a man oral sex, asking to watch me with another man, am I curious to know what it would be liek to have sex with a woman. It definitely put a spoiler on our sex life. When i approached him about his porn, he became very upset and unrepentent. He feels that it’s just a sexual curiosity and he would never do those things without me. Well, he’s already started by buying such videos. He claims that he’s in touch wiht his sexual sex and I’m the problem. Well, I’m not allowing myself or my sexual being to be bellited and berated by anyone. I have a pretty open mind about sex, but will not have sex with another man. I have no desire to experiment with a woman. I will not guide my husband to give a man oral sex. I no longer initiate sex. When he approaches me for sex, I feel it isn’t about me or us. It’s about his fantasies. It sickens me to have him touch me.Oh, and he told me that he will watch porn till the day he dies. How’s this for encouragment in saving our marriage? The betrayl I feel is 1000 fold. We been to marriage counseling more than a couple of times. Each step forward seems like 5 steps back. I’m considering divorce. I’m more important to me than a destructive addiction he won’t face.

  78. Mine is not a reply, but a question..
    Ive known a man for about 7 years, we met at work and sometimes worked along side each other. Never was birthdays ever brought up as he looks older then he is and I evidently aged soft. We had a attraction to each other but didnt really understand it as I was having problems with my soon o be X and very work concerned, always planning for my next job goal and career to implement the one we were doing with each other. I grew up a tomboy and have always worked nontraditional male industrial field jobs and have the body and hands to prove it. I was a lumber jack in my early years and then raised my children with a truck driving job. I always excelled in everything I ever dedicated myself to.
    Unfortunately..with this came neglect of my body…not saying a slob with my appearance … But I had gained a few lbs around the mid section and back side, known as truckers belly…and dress for the job Im doing, ei steel toe boots
    hair up in a hard hat and work clothes..No Days getting my nails done, no makeup, no hair primping… A natural feminine but tom boy look..
    its been over a year since my x and I went our separate ways.
    About After dating some in the fall this man and realized there is a attraction other then friendship. We started into a relationship and moving along moved in together with commitment. After all said and done in a conversation birthdays came up, and to our surprise Im 7 years his elder. It took a bit to get over this in my mind and morals and seemed to except it till now..
    Most men are attracted to younger women and most split ups are caused by this attraction..with the age difference and him being a man who will be attracted to maybe as mush as 5 years less his age this gives me a 12 year disability gap..Ive found him peeking at soft porn and feeling guilty to quickly shut the page when I walk by..I laughed one day and told him there is nothing wrong with looking, its a normal thing as I post pics sometimes of men in towels, or fire men with no shirts, .. Lately ive found hes always on line looking at soft porn, its not a casual thing, he actually has sites and folders and searches for it…My laptop is in the living room and always open..his is in the spare bedroom and secret.
    Heres is the problem.. I feel heart broken over the fact, I will never be able to compete with the hard bodies that pose for these pictures, most women cant..Ive had children and worked hard all my life..I have stretch marks, scars,jiggle rolls and hands no matter what like sand paper and at 52 naturally some sagging. With this and my age there is 2 strikes against me, next there is always a younger girl just waiting to become competition..I sometimes feel that he needs his porn to be with me as at night instead of being with me in our alone time he hides away on his computer..When hes not in there hes great, there are no problems what so ever as if we are meant to be together.. and yet I feel Hurt like he would prefer that or younger to me…Am..I setting myself up for heart break in the end where he will pursue or be tempted to leave for a a younger woman with a better body.? should I except this is a problem and end the relationship and move on before a horrible heart break..?
    Im desperately seeking advice from anyone in a age difference relationship with soft porn involved.. as Im pretty sure of the risk and odds of heart ache with the age difference to begin with
    Chrissie

    • Hi Chrissie,

      Thanks for posting your question. First, I would say that many men don’t leave the women they are with to pursue someone younger and “prettier,” but some do. For most of the women I know in your situation, my biggest fear is not the man leaving, but that he stays and remains entrenched in porn.

      Many men simply have grown to prefer porn fantasy to real sex. Other than the feeling of a warm body next to him, porn offers him something no woman can give him: unlimited variety, total control, and no worries about another person’s needs or feelings. This is a sad state of affairs, isn’t it? Porn is literally causing men to be impotent. For some men, they suffer from ED because of porn use. Others can’t reach climax unless their minds are filled with images of porn. These men have become slaves to their pornified sex drives. Very sad.

      Aside from all of this, what makes porn truly wrong is that it commodifies men and women into objects. It trains others to see people as objects to be used, not people to be loved and honored.

      If this is a concern to you (and I believe it should be), I would address this issue with him. Do you want to live with a man who doesn’t have eyes for you, a man who sneaks away to pleasure himself instead of spending his sexual energy pursuing you?

      He needs to come to grips with his habit, acknowledge it as a problem, and make steps to quit.

      I highly recommend you read, “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”

  79. I met my husband online 2.5 years ago and instantly clicked. I lived in Australia and he lived in the U.S. We spent time together but talked for hours every day. I have 2 children and we moved to the U.S and married in June 2013. He got a job working away and would be away for 2 weeks at a time. I initially found out his downloading of porn was before we got married due to excessive usage. I jokingly asked him how much porn he was downloading. He was upfront and said, because we had spent 12 months apart and that’s why he was downloading porn. I didn’t think too much about it because in my mind I would rather him look at porn then out with other women. A few months after we were married his usage was high again and again he never denied it but his behavour started to change the more I wanted to talk to him about it. He was using viagra with me and if he wasn’t wouldn’t last very long or couldn’t keep it up. I felt devastated, hurt, betrayed. He takes his phone into the bathroom with him. I found over 60 downloads of porn on his phone and I approached him about it. He didn’t deny anything until the next day we had a huge argument and asked to see his phone. He of course deleted everything. He was also searching for the filthiest pages on fb and when I approached him about that he would then change how he searched and would go onto one of his friends pages who had a massive amount of porn page likes so he would then go on them. I deleted this friend and blocked his friend. I’m at the point I don’t know who my husband is, from being blissfully in love to absolutely disgusted with him. I’m about to give him an ultimatum but don’t know how to approach it and be very straight up with where I’m at. I moved countries and uprooted my kids and changed my whole life for him. Feel completely lost and alone right now.

  80. Well, even I was exposed to my husband’s addiction to porn and masturbation while I am pregnant. So its been nine months, my husband keeps on putting me off whenever I insist saying it will affect the baby. I accepted it as his concern for the baby and was happy with it. But then I was surprised when he refused to sleep with me and used to stay awake till late night saying he has lot of work to complete. I was innocent and believed him. But suddenly I woke up and saw him surfing porn and masturbating. And this has been a routine for him. I didn’t want to confront him and thought its his personal life. But then reduced physical intimacy, reduced eye contact and his disappearance alot of time he comes home late saying he out at work. And then his night routines. It is all disturbing me. I was always open to him and always fulfilled his desires but pregnancy has changed our relation. What do I do?

    • It sounds like both of you need to have a conversation about a few things. First, I would really want to know about his habit of looking at porn in the past: did he look at it before he was married? has he looked at it since you’ve been married? how often? Of course, if he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, he might deny any involvement with porn. Or it might be that the porn is a new or recent thing. hard to say unless he opens up about it.

      Second, I would talk about ways you can explore sexual pleasure that don’t involve intercourse. Perhaps he is genuinely concerned about harming his baby, or perhaps he finds himself “turned off” by the idea of pregnancy (it is a common mental block for guys). You are not the turnoff, of course. You both just need to explore ways to pleasure each other and share intimate moments.

      Let me know what happens as you two discuss these things.

  81. Hi Luke,
    So in reading your page and the following posts, I have having a huge array of emotions. I am 28 years old with a 1 year old son. I married the love of my life. We are two in the same and he treats me very well. I had a near death experience while pregnant and he was at my side every step of the way. I couldn’t have asked for better love and support. But my rosy life with my husband has a very sad side. I knew he looked at porn, but occationally I would wonder if it was an issue… then the lies started, broken promises ect. While getting up with our babe, I noticed it was 4am and he was still on the computer and had to get up before 7 for work. It started effecting his work as he would be late. I recently found him on a live video chat. He was meeting strangers online and using the web cams on top of the porn. I now see the severity of it. We have an appointment with a qualified councellor. I am just at a loss. Part of me still feels like this “I have a problem” is an easy way out. Maybe that sounds insensitive, but it’s how I feel. The impact this has had on my personal feeling is greater than I thought. This has created so many other issues in our marriage. (Too tired to help me with our son, or housework, or ANYTHING. I do EVERYTHING. pay bills, taxes, banking, insurance companies etc etc. he goes to work and that’s it.) If this is truly an addiction that he’s going to be battling the rest of his life… I don’t know if I have the strength to support him as well as deal with my own issues. As much as I can’t see my life without him. He’s an AMAZING father, and a good person….. I just don’t know what to do. Feeling so hopeless and discouraged.

    • I hear what you’re saying. What your husband has got himself into is nothing short of deplorable. This is something that has taken over his life, and he should feel ashamed of what he’s putting you through.

      I completely understand the “addiction” or “I have a problem” label can be seen as a cop out, but remember, this is a chosen slavery. It’s like going to an AA meeting: yes, they talk about their alcoholism like a “disease” but you never get the sense in those meetings that this is meant as a cop-out. Far from it. People in those meetings feel the immense weight of their decisions and know they are culpable.

      Unfortunately we live in a world where people like to segregate things: you are either a victim or a victimizer. The fact is, rarely is it always one or the other. Make no mistake: your husband is completely responsible for his actions and will be paying for his wrongdoings as a result, but at the same time, he has likely become addicted to something that is now beyond his control to crave. Like I said, it is a slavery, but it is a voluntary slavery.

      The good news is, things can change. The reason why porn is addictive is because men (and women) are becoming addicted to the neurochemistry of their own brains. (This is, by the way, the same reason some drugs are addictive: they trick the brain into releasing large doses of is own neurochemicals.) But the brain is a very moldable organ. You can train your mind to get to a place where the cravings come less frequently and aren’t nearly as strong. (This article talks all about that change process.)

      I personally hate the mentality of “once an addict, always an addict.” To some extent, it is true because it forces people to think from a place of humility, realizing that they should never let their guard down. But on the other hand, it can become an identity thing: some people never rise above that label of “porn addict.” I would much rather people say, “I’m a husband/father/man who is overcoming an addiction to porn.”

      Most importantly, you need support for yourself. I encourage you to find someone to talk to about this just as your husband has. We have a free book for wives you can download right now that talks about some of this.

  82. I have been 13 years living in hell because of my husband addiction. I saw myself reflec in each history that I read above . My head is telling me to run away, but my hart is bleeding because I love him so much . He is my husband the only man in my life . He is my son’s father and hero. And I am so afraid that he touch him in a different way … I can not trust him and I can’t live like that…. ! This is a silent torture.

  83. wtf I’ve just read?! o.O You’re all seriously ill! Here where I live, women are those who don’t want to have sex more usually with their husbands. That’s how EVERYTHING starts. Also, if you don’t attract him anymore, he will become a hunter. 2-3 pararel relationships and cheating on wife. But this only rarely happens as here women pay attention on their look, stay focused on their love life with their husband and don’t allow it to happen. Who allow it to happen, that he cheats on you, simply ask him what he want to do, does he wants to leave you and go with that younger or prettier or more sexual experienced women or stay with you. If he choose to stay. Well, you’ll need to change your behavior a lot! If nothing helps, deal with the life without sex at all.

  84. I am so sick and tired of dealing with this issue in my marriage.

    My husband’s porn usage has increased over our 14 years together, and he has been repulsing me more and more each year with these images. It is a cycle in our marriage– He looks at it, I discover it, he lies, finally admits it, gives a sad story, promises he won’t do it again, lays low for a bit, then the cycle begins again. It has increased and escalated to trolling girls on Facebook and Twitter, looking up/contacting exes, adult stores w/ booths, strip clubs, posts on numerous swinger sites, and who knows what else. No amount of monitoring, password
    disclosing or pleas to stop hurting our marriage & family or threats that I’m leaving helps. He has become a bigger liar and only tries harder to deceive me. He has called me uptight (even though I had more experience and was more adventurous when we met), controlling (probably because I stop him from sitting around watching it 24/7) and cold (probably because it’s difficult to warm up to a lying, creep). The effect on me through the years has been that with each discovery, I am more and more turned off and unable to find him desirable. Our days go on and we are functioning dysfunctionals (if that makes sense). I am sad, hurt, angry, lonely, resentful. Now I cringe when he approaches me. I’m unable to forget the porn images and all of his other activity. Our sex has become almost nonexistent. The only reason I give in to his advances is because I need to feel loved sometimes, too. But I don’t. I feel unloved, betrayed and disrespected. I can’t bring myself to initiate. I have too much pride. I know all this fuels the cycle & his “I don’t get enough” excuse. But why, WHY would any woman feel attracted to a man who constantly looks at images that degrade, subjugate, disrespects and demoralizes women?
    The titles alone are awful and insulting to us.
    Ultimately, I have become DISGUSTED that this man I married, the father of my young daughter & son, is getting off on these images. I am revolted that he is contributing and condoning this using and abusing of women. I have a young daughter who is growing up in this world with all of these leering, jack-off men who think this is how to be intimate with a woman! She will… not might, but WILL have to deal with some a-hole trying to get her to do something with her body because he saw it on a porn site. Thanks for siding with them, Dad.
    I. Am. SICK of it!!!

    • Yikes, what a rough place to be in!

      My first suggestion is this: read Porn and Your Husband, which will give you tips for setting boundaries and taking next steps.

      My second suggestion is, if you set a boundary, follow through with it. You say you’ve threatened to leave before…but he may have stopped believing you about it, since you’ve threatened it without following through. I’d suggest setting the boundary that he takes measurable steps to break free (such as installing blocking software, seeking professional counseling, etc.). If he doesn’t take those measurable steps, then take your kids and move out until he does. If it sounds harsh, it is…but it may also be the wake-up call he needs. (The e-book Hope After Porn will provide encouragement through this separation.)

      Please note that going cold-turkey probably shouldn’t be a condition. It sounds like he’s escalated into a full-blown addiction, so just plain quitting will be nearly impossible for him. But if he really is trying to quit, even if he fails, he will be taking noticeable actions to try to quit (like handing over his Internet-enabled phone, etc.). So try to forgive the occasional failure while he’s in recovery…as long as he’s clearly trying to quit.

      You also mentioned your young daughter. If you do seek to separate from your husband, try to train her in two things: (1) to love her dad in spite of his failures because he’s her dad and he loves her; and (2) that inappropriate behaviors, like watching porn, should not be tolerated. If she ever starts to date someone who tries to use her for her body, make sure she knows to dump him and seek someone who values her for who she is.

  85. Hi. I’m in need of advice. My husband and I have been married for a year now. I found out about his porn addiction before we got married and it’s taken a tole on our relationship. I still find evidence of him looking at porn but he knows how to hide it well because I get really upset when I do find it. We argue about it a lot because it hurts my feelings . Why? We have a son and I’m just scared for the future. I know it will never stop. He lies to my face EVERYTIME about it. For months I tried to initiate intimacy and he always rejects me. When we do have sex I’m the one to ALWAYS initiate it. It hurts my feelings. Tremendously. And I try to hide how I feel because I can’t tell him because we will just get in an argument. I feel like he doesn’t care about how it makes me feel and that it’s crushing my self esteem. What do I do? Confronting him makes things worse because he just lies to me and we fight. He is also the kind of guy that looks at other women. He has an obsession with boobs, which I don’t have. I’ve even considered getting a boob job because he’s made me feel so insecure. And I don’t want that. I know he loves me and everything other than this in our marriage is great. I don’t get it. But I feel like I’m going to breakdown.

    • Hey Emily, wow, I wish you weren’t having to deal with this! But I’m glad you’re here and I hope we can help. I don’t know if you’ve poked around on the site here for resources much, but there’s a ton of good free stuff you can download and read through. Hope After Porn is one of my favorite resources, because it’s stories from other women who’ve gone through the tough stuff. It talks about different ways that different couples have handled boundaries and recovery.

      It sounds like right now you guys are in a pretty typical cycle. He’s addicted, he hides it, you find it, you fight. I think we’ve all been, done, and got the ratty old t-shirt on that one. I understand that you feel like you’re going to break down. I did, and I can’t recommend it. So let me tell you what I wish I’d done differently.

      1. I wish I had just gotten myself some help, immediately. I needed counseling. I needed a safe place to take all the anger and fear, and I needed someone to help me sort through what appropriate boundaries would be. I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a good place to check for various types of Christian counselors, available throughout the country. You need support. There’s a free video series by Brad Hambrick that might be helpful to you as well. Ultimately, though, I think you need real, personal support.

      2. I wish I’d had this article to pass along to my husband, that talks about practical steps and spiritual help toward recovery.

      3. I wish I’d known that recovery from addiction is not just about good intentions and love. It sounds like your husband does love you–my husband does too. I thought that if he loved me like he said, he should just be able to quit. When he didn’t, it was so painful and shocking! But addiction is just not that easy. It’s a fight. It’s addiction. Part of it is breaking unhealthy habits, part of it is setting new healthy habits, part of it is a brain-chemistry re-set, part of it is personal healing, part of it is relating to God in new ways. Part of it is doing the right thing every day, and getting back up to try again when you fail. It’s a bunch of stuff. It’s a lot of work. And even with the best intentions, it’s hard. And relapse is part of recovery.

      4. I wish I’d know that it CAN get better. This is not a death sentence, even though it feels like one right now. He has to be willing, and he has to do the work. But that CAN happen. He CAN make good choices. Of course, there are no guarantees, I won’t lie to you about that. He has to do the work! But it CAN get better.

      Most of all, no matter what, God’s got you safe. His love won’t let you go.

      Let me know if those resources help, and if you have other questions.

  86. I’m dealing with this. Tonight. Again. For the last 8 years. Since we were just dating in our early 20s. Now we are 20 & 30. I don’t even know what to do. I left him tonight. Im out of options. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with the lies any more. This is not the picture I planned.

    • Hey Alicia. I’m so sorry that it came to leaving, but sometimes that is a really healthy boundary to have, as hard and sad as it is. I don’t know if you found any of our resources on boundaries? Here’s the link to a free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the stories of four women and the choices they made on the journey toward healing. I think you might feel encouraged to know that other women have made hard choices like yours, and it wasn’t an end but instead a beginning. Here’s another article on boundaries. I’m proud of you for stepping up for yourself. That is where healing begins, at least for you. I hope your husband will step up for himself as well! Here’s an article that might help him understand what that could look like. Let me know if any of that is helpful, or if I could point you toward other resources. Just know you’re supported in the hard, healthy choices you have to make. We believe in boundaries here! And we also believe in hope and healing, because we’ve seen in happen in our own lives. Blessings, Kay

  87. I have been married for 31 years. Rough marriage. Was beaten for the first 15 yrs on and off. He stopped that completely, so I stayed. A few years ago, he had an emotional affair online. Even planning the meeting place, then I saw it online and he felt bad but blamed me for the cheating. Long story short, I found out a few months ago he is looking at porn on the computer. We have a teenage boy in the house too. He told me to get a porn blocker on the computer and it would all stop. The blocker trial ran out and that very day he was on it again. He keeps telling me he knows it is wrong but does not want to go to counseling. He is angry all the time and yells at us constantly. He blames me for the porn cause I dont want much sex with him. Its hard to have sex with a man who has cheated with another woman and now is cheating with strangers online. He told me he has looked at porn since he was a teenager. I dont want to leave him, but Im at the end of my rope. He wont read any books, go to counseling, or talk to our preacher at church.

    • Wow, Marcia. You’ve really been through some hard stuff, and you’ve persevered through terrible things. I’m so, so sorry. It’s very sad when you come to that place of being out of options in your marriage. I agree it sounds like he’s not ready to make changes at this point, and that leaves you with some really tough choices to make. I wish I could tell you that if you made certain choices, that would FOR SURE get his attention and set him on the path to recovery, but it sounds like you’ve tried everything and then some.

      Marcia, it really is good and healthy to have boundaries. A lot of women do find themselves at that final boundary of leaving. It’s not what any of us want, but that’s where we find ourselves sometimes. Sometimes leaving does provide the addict with motivation to change. Sometimes it doesn’t. We all wish for happy endings, but I know you know that we don’t always get them.

      We’ve got a really popular free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the story of four different women and the boundaries they set along with way to recovery with their husbands. All those stories result in the reconciliation of the marriages, but along the way, nobody knew what would happen.

      As I just look at all the things you’ve talked about here: the physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse–I just have to ask, do you have any local support in this? A counselor? A group? Who’s helping you through? We recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to search for a therapist in your area. However, a lot of people find help in groups like Celebrate Recovery–and if it comes down to it, Divorce Care. Those are both nation-wide, church-based groups that have solid reputations.

      Let me know if any of that is helpful to you, and what other resources we might provide for you.

  88. So what do you do when internet porn is not the only thing being looked at? How are you supposed to monitor magazines? They are easily purchased with cash and then can be hidden or even thrown out. This has been an issue in my marriage.

    • Oh, good question, Nancy. I think maybe this is a broader question of boundaries. Here’s an article that explains more about boundaries. The reality is, we just can’t control everything, and it’s not even our job to be in control of our husband’s choices. It’s really HIS choice to be in charge of his own recovery. If he’s not willing to make good choices, then we’re left having to decide what we’ll do in response: what will our boundaries be? That’s a very personal line to draw, and women make all sorts of choices about that. One of our most popular (free!) downloads is Hope After Porn, and one of the things I really like about that book is that it describes how different women handled their own boundary choices. Let me know what you think! Kay

  89. I married my long time boyfriend two months ago. We are both in our twenties, in shape, happy, and our sex was great. It’s has never been slow, we’ve never had dry spells. This is why I was shocked to find out about his porn addiction only a few days ago. The worst part is, it’s not just porn, it’s sleezy hook up sites. He swears he only uses the sites for pictures, but with porn being so readily available and free, why go to a dating site for it? We have no children, no joint ownership of anything, and I’m wanting to leave because I’m worried it will never get better. He is already getting help (talking with his pastor, signing up for support groups, making appointments with a therapist) but I’m worried that it will all go back to normal. What quality of marriage will I have when suspicion is always lurking in my mind? How can I know he’s home alone and trust that he isn’t masturbating to other women? How can I compete with the kind of dirty things he finds online? Do I stand strong and suffer through it or cut ties and run like my hair is on fire? Somebody, please help.

    • Hey Meredith, I’m really glad you wrote in. First of all, I want to tell you that pornography addiction does not have to be the end of your marriage. He absolutely CAN get better, and he absolutely CAN be trustworthy again. That’s going to be up to him in large part, what he does, how he takes responsibility. What you’re telling me about his choices right now sounds really, really good. Pretty much right on the money for a best-case scenario, honestly.

      If he hasn’t already, he needs to sign up for Covenant Eyes monitoring software and get some accountability partners. That will really help put your mind at ease as to what’s going on when you’re not right there looking over his shoulder. It will also give him some much-needed support to keep up his good intentions.

      Here’s the thing: you can trust him when he is trustworthy. If he does the work, it’s okay to trust him again. That will take time! It will take time for him to show you he is trustworthy, and it will take time for you to understand what he’s doing, and feel safe again. But it can happen. It can. Here’s an article I wrote just a few weeks ago in response to someone in fairly similar circumstances to yours. The headline is about dating, but I think it might fit.

      I would be really hesitant to run with the hair on fire at this point, honestly. Here’s the sad truth: pornography use is, unfortunately, so very, very common. I think as women we are just not well prepared to deal with it, but deal with it we must. It’s our reality now. Guys have to learn how to handle this–and SO DO WE.

      My husband was addicted to porn for several years, and my reaction was much like yours: widespread panic. But–he wanted to get well. So he did. And both of us will tell you that our marriage is much better now, after dealing with this together, than it was before pornography ever happened to us. Very weird, I know, but God does things like that. I’ve written about that here on Covenant Eyes, but I also have my own blog and I just released a memoir this week.

      I hope some of that might be helpful to you. Let me know what else I can do for you. Blessings, Kay

  90. Even if my husband is already under an online porn addiction therapy program called GreatnessAhead I still find this article very enlightening and informational. I’ve been seeing the improvements in controlling his urges as well as his intimacy but everytime I contemplate on the things that have happened, especially when we were still starting to battle with his addiction, I’ve realized that it was the greatest ordeal of my life. I believe that support and utmost understanding, as well as getting equipped with porn addiction knowledge will definitely help. Thanks for this article, helpful to me and to those who are putting their gamefaces on to fight porn addiction! :)

    • Hey Brittany, I’m so glad this helps! And you’re right, this is a huge ordeal for women in marriage these days. In fact, a lot of women fit the criteria for PTSD when they’re dealing with this. Having said that, I hope you’re getting all the support you need in this battle? People around you who can love you and walk you through? I’m just asking because I think that, even though this is so incredibly common, it can still be very difficult to talk about. We still seem to have a lot of silence and stigma around it. So, I’m glad your husband is getting help and getting better. I just want to make sure that you are, too. If you ever think you need someone to talk to, and there doesn’t seem to be that person in your life, I’d recommend checking at the American Association of Christian Counselors for a therapist in your area. Blessings on your journey–Kay

    • I have been married for 10 years now and have battled porn addiction the whole time. I feel terrible how it has made my wife feel. I literally feel ashamed and worthless after I watch it. I was exposed to sex at a very young age and I think it has really hampered my ability to truly connect during sex. I basically use my wife like a sex doll. We have now not had sex in 5 years and to be honest with you I think I would be too ashamed and embarrassed to go through with it even though she keeps making mention that she wants to start having sex again. It has totally destroyed my life and my chances of a life of a loving relationship I am almost in tears as I write this. I almost want my wife to find someone that can make her happy and I this addiction has even gotten to the point that I have contemplated suicide so that I can just let her move on. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you are all going through since I am putting my gorgeous wife through the same thing. I am almost in tears as I write this.

    • Hey Clem. I’m a counselor, so let me give you just a bit of feedback on your post here.

      IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.

      You feel terrible, you feel ashamed and worthless, you’re too embarrassed to have sex even though she wants to, it’s destroyed your life, you’re almost in tears.

      And that self-focus is not surprising, given what we know about how pornography addiction impacts the brain. You view porn a whole bunch, and this is what happens: it’s all about you.

      Here’s what can happen when you stop spending all your time in the self-indulgent pursuit of porn and start living like a real, connected person again: your brain can heal.

      It will take time, for sure. And that whole time you’ve got to stop focusing on yourself, and instead lay down your life for your wife and for the relationship. Invite her to talk about how this has impacted her, and just listen. Don’t talk about how bad you feel. Just listen to her. Pay attention to her ALL THE TIME, not just around sex. Think about what she needs, what she wants, how she feels.

      As much time and attention as you’ve paid to porn throughout the course of your marriage, PAY THAT MUCH TIME AND ATTENTION TO YOUR WIFE. And see if the healing can begin.

  91. After reading all these comments of what other women our going through, it is giving me some form of relief, that there are other women out there, who see how disgusting and not normal porn is. Porn is just an unacceptable thing to me.
    I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. I first discovered him looking at pornographic sites on his computer at work, one month after our child was born. I was completely taken by surprise. When I confronted him, his reaction firstly was ‘boys will be boys’, and he was just having a laugh with the guys. When he realised how serious and unacceptable this was to be, he made the excuse that he was given a new hard drive at work and he came across a lot of porn and was curious. This almost destroyed our relationship, but he swore to me, he would never look at anything like that again. I decided to forgive him. This caused a lot of distrust in our relationship over the next year or two. Over the months, I would find post it notes with porn sites he had hand written, or business cards for sexual parties. I confronted him, and he always had such good excuses. During our first year we had great sex, all the time, even during pregnancy. Obviously from 7 months, I was too big, and we stopped having sex for a while.
    Within 3 months of our son being born, we had lots of great sex, even more experimental than our first year. Then there came a point where sex was getting uncomfortable for me. I took the contraceptive pill for 14 months, after our son was born. My body went downhill after taking this. I was still horny but, sometimes it would be so painful and other times it would be fine. Over the next year or two, our sex life was very up and down. Sometimes it would be explosive and adventurous and other times, we would not have sex for weeks on end. My sexual libido slowly started to die. 4 years ago, I discovered I was suffering from an illness, which was the root to my low libido, vaginal dryness, tiredness etc. I soon discovered he had been looking, at porn sites again. For how long he had been doing this, I have no idea. I was over the searching his pockets, computer etc. I had begun to trust him again. Finding this out left me completely distraught, I had previously told him I would never forgive him, if he did anything like this again. As I loved him so much, and so wanted to believe he would stop, I forgave him again. He again promised me he would never ever look at porn again. After hiding the laptop from him every day, and occasionally checking his phone and pockets, and questioning him. It took me a year to finally feel normal again and stop doing these things. Time went by, our sex life was not great. It was still on and off.
    Then last year, I discovered again he’d been looking at obscene videos. Random videos, of people doing it in public, obscene, disturbing material. This time, I was even more in shock, as I felt like I really knew him, after 7 years. Boy was I wrong.
    Yesterday, I found out he has been viewing lesbian porn movies on a phone, which he no longer uses, and keeps switched off in his draw. This time round, I feel absolutely lost. Firstly, because, I really thought we were over those chapters. I feel distraught, as he is living a secret life behind my back, and he is seriously lying to me. When I question him, he still continued to lie to me, even though I’m giving him the chance to tell me everything. I don’t know if it’s the disrespect that hurts me most, as he knows how against porn I am. Or is it the lies, or the secrets. Or am I just hurting because he tells me, he only has eyes for me. Yet he is mentally cheating on me. I trust that he has not physically cheated on me over the years, but to me, getting your rocks off (letting go of his frustrations) to other women doing degrading things, is cheating in my eyes. I feel numb this time around. I’m confused, if I can continue my life with him. I love him, I can’t imagine my life without him, but I can’t put up with this. How often he does it, I really don’t know, but whether its 4 or 40 times, there is a problem there. How will I ever trust him ever again. How will I ever look at him the same way again. By me forgiving him again, am I setting myself up for a life of this. This has left me at a crossroads, and I’m stuck, not knowing which way to turn!

    • Hi Carla, thanks for sharing all this. Wow, what a roller coaster of pain you’ve been on. And it sounds like your husband is on a roller coaster of his own, too. He has a lot of work to do, if he wants to get off the addiction ride. I don’t know what steps he might have taken in the past, but here’s an article you could pass along with some ideas for him, if he’s willing to consider them. He might benefit from a Sex Addicts Anonymous group, as well.

      Have you seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of four different women and the choices they made in their marriages, on the road to healing. One of the things these four stories all have in common is the idea of boundaries.

      Just like you’re discovering, loving and forgiving are just not enough sometimes, and trusting someone who isn’t trustworthy yet is not a great idea! I wrote an article recently about boundaries in dating, but I think it applies to any relationship. You have to know that he’s doing his part before you can consider trusting him again.

      I think that if you just “forgive” without any accountability on his part, and no boundaries on your part then yes, you’re setting yourself up for a life of this. There isn’t one right thing to do next. Just hard choices to consider. I hope that Hope After Porn helps you feel less alone as you make those courageous choices!

      Blessings and peace–Kay

  92. Reading your stories I feel like so many of you are me. I have been with my Husband for over 9 years. We have kids. His use of porn has made a huge impacted on our marriage. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. Over the years technology has advanced. With that his addiction has grown. In the beginning we had sex a lot. Then slowly over the it declined. Then a few years ago sex pretty much was the last thing he wanted. I have a high sex drive so this is a major problem sexually. I have begged for sex. I have dressed up. I have talked to him about fantasies. I have literally done anything and everything to get him to want me. at least for the first few years of the i don’t want sex don’t touch me. I put an internet tracking device on his phone. I did this so I would know if porn was the real issue. He drives truck (truck driver) so he has all the privacy he needs. I learned that the situation was a lot worse then I thought. I learned that he was not only watching porn but also listening to audio porn where stories are read. I learned that porn had consumed his life. He was leaving the house where I was willing and begging for sex. He would leave and within minutes be on porn sites. at the time i put the internet tracking device on his phone i put gps call text you name it if he did it on the phone i knew. Gps showed that after leaving the house about 35 to 45 minutes later he would stop. I would then access the speaker on his phone and turn his phone into a listening device so I soon discovered he was a compulsively masturbating.He was even stopping two minutes from our house on his way home to again watch porn and masturbate. He always told me he didn’t have a sex drive. Then I asked my self how can he not have a sex drive but have a masturbation drive. Also the things he was watching freaked me out. his history showed that he mostly watched incest videos. mother daughter, brother sister, mom son, aunt cousins any any every combination you can think of. any the history showed that that was the search he was typing in. then the other shocker was gay porn men on men. lets just put it this way he is still doing all that stuff. when i confronted him he said it is normal when people have been together as long as we have that what they do. He has blamed m. He has never admitted that he has a problem. So now we are going through a divorce. also when we did have sex it was only when porn was involved meaning he laid next to me and watched it on his phone. (never gay or incest) or porn was on the tv. During these years i battled a lot with depression I gained a lot of weight because i stopped caring then I lost the weight when he still didn’t touch me I fell into a deep depression a gained a lot of weight. I felt ugly unattractive fat i felt that it didn’t matter what i tried what i wore i was to ugly nothing would help i felt that i was so unattractive that he had to have the porn because I wasn’t good enough. I blamed myself.When I looked in the mirror I never saw beauty. People have always told me I was beautiful and strange men have always payed attention to me. but none of that mattered because the man at home never cared. and now that i’m not living that life any longer. I have started taking care of me mentally and physically. I have vowed to never let another man ever control my life in that way. Yes i’m single now. But i’m still having as much sex now as I was married which is none. But that is okay with me. because I know that the world is full of possibilities now. I look in the mirror now and I see beauty I see the woman I haven’t acknowledged in years. I see me for who i am.I have joined a gym and that has made a large difference its a great way to relieve stress. I know for me leaving was the only option. And now I’m happy and full of life.

    • Patricia, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered through, and the terrible disappointments. I’m sorry that your ex’s choices had such devastating consequences for you. And I’m sorry that he couldn’t see what was happening and work on his issues. It sounds like he’s on a dangerous path. It’s sad when leaving is your only option, but I’m glad you were able to make that choice for yourself. I hope that being out of that toxic situation, you’ll continue to heal and grow. If you ever find yourself in need of more help and support, know that there are groups available throughout the country, like Divorce Care, and also counselors available through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Blessings on your journey of healing! Kay

    • Your story is my life…which is sad. But I would love to know the tracking device that you used to put on his phone. I am desperate for hard evidence because like you my husband blames ME. Thank you so much.

    • Hey Jane, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I wonder if some of the stories in Hope After Porn might be helpful to you, as you consider a way forward? I hope you have a local support system, like family, friends, or maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery? I think it’s so healing to have other people to help you through hard times. Blessings on your journey, Kay

  93. I am in the opposite situation to most talked through the comments so I hope some women (or men) can help me how to move forward.

    I was caught about 6 months ago watching porn and masturbating. I stop since then and things have been a lot better in our home however one of the things that we struggle with is my wife’s desire and availability to have sex.

    Some weeks we would have sex three times some times one or none.

    This inconstancy is killing me, I try to tell my wife how beautiful she is and how attractive she is to me however that seems to make her feel bad and put her off. We even have had conversations about me taking up masturbation again so that I am not looking for her for sex all the time. Personally since I stopped I want nothing to do with masturbation or pornography since my wife fulfill all my needs something I took for granted before.

    I don’t want to bother her constantly about sex so I have considered as well, just last night we were talking about how bad I get when I beg for sex which I am going to be hones but I have asked to have sex for 4 days now and I agree it is begging.

    I have tried to change who I am, being cooperative at home, listen more, read more about how to make our marriage better, pray…

    Is there hope for me? Will I be the guy who would always beg for sex until it drives both of us crazy?

    I love my wife and the fact that I am hurting her with my sexual desires doesn’t make me feel like I am the man I should be. To put into perspective how bad I was at one point. I would masturbate in the morning, afternoon, and then have sex with my wife at night. All that is gone and now I am relying on when my wife is available. Is it unfair for me to ask of my wife to have sex more often than she desires? Is it ok for me to use masturbation while we go through this period in our lives? If you are a woman what could I do to ensure I have given up everything I used to do for you and that rejection affects me?

    • Ronald, I really appreciate your honesty here and your willingness to speak up about what’s going on in your process. Here’s what hits me, though, as I read this, and I’m going to be brutally honest: THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU. What YOU want, what YOU need. Telling your wife how beautiful she is, and being cooperative around the house, is all about YOU getting what you want: more sex. I don’t read any empathy or understanding for your wife as a person and a partner in your relationship. She seems to be just an outlet for your sexual needs, and what she wants, needs, or feels doesn’t seem to matter to you much at all.

      This is exactly how the sex industry treats women: as a commodity. Marriage is not a commodity exchange. It’s a relationship with another person.

      Here’s the goal to work toward: a real relationship with your wife, not just an exchange of nice behavior in return for sex.

      As a counselor, this reads to me like you’re very addicted to your sexual behaviors. I think Sex Addicts Anonymous could be a very helpful place for you to work through your own responsibility for your sexuality, rather than expecting your wife to take care of this for you.

      Blessings on your journey, Kay

  94. Ronald,

    I have an idea…..why don’t you STOP asking your wife for sex. That is a huge turnoff and you will get no where. How about treating your wife like the lady that she is. Help with dishes after dinner and when you two go to sit and watch tv, try caressing her on her back or rub her feet or a hand massage or brush her hair. The worst thing you can do ( other than porn and masturbation ) is ASK or BEG for sex.

    • Hi Jane,

      Thanks for your reminder, I do some of those things when I am allowed. Meaning that our relationship is at a state where even touching is at a minimal to her request not mine. There are other items that I do on a daily basis besides the dishes to help aliviate her burden. I also don’t want you to think that I just flat out say “let’s have sex now”, I try to make it a game and something fun (at least in my mind).

      I am expressing what I do in detail not to say “see? I think I am doing something right” but rather to express what some men like me are going thru.

      I was addicted for many years, I am trying to fix things and I am realizing I am at it on the wrong way as many out there who just want to “fix” things.

      I don’t want at enemy at my home, I am sorry for what I did and I am trying to change by doing things that I have read that are supposed to help marriages. All I was asking was to have some sex and not just as a means of a release but as a demonstration of love and acceptance. Being rejected for sex for some men goes beyond the limited access to one’s parter, it means not acceptance of who you are which in a way also terrifies me. If we are not the person who can be accepted then maybe some one else may be and that is another subject on its own.

      I understand that I don’t need sex to live as we need air to breath and if that is the only way to “fix” things then by all means I will go that route and wait until I am once accepted fully and hopefully understood.

      Sometimes I ask myself why we are so different in that department and if ever a couple comes to a full agreement. I am sure many do and one of them will have to eventually give in and live by the rules of the other.

      Sorry if I sound harsh on my comments. I am rather depressed right now.

  95. Hi Kay,

    It hurts me to hear how selfish I am but I thank you for your honesty. I heard similar words from my wife as well and all I can say is that I didn’t know how bad I need help. I don’t want to push my wife away so far that not only sex is not involved but that we don’t have a relationship. We did practice abstinence for about 2 months a while back and it helped a lot. I really don’t want to do that again.

    In a way I believe not only the sex industry but in general I hear women say “if he only treated me well, if he helped around the house, if he told me that he loves me…” And that is confusing, since it goes beyond that. It has to be done with the right heart and I don’t know how. I am willing since I am doing it some of those things but I am not doing it right or with the right heart.

    I just bought a book “loving your wife like Jesus loves the church”. Are there any similar books that you can recommend?

    Also thank you for the link to SA, I never thought I would have to look for a group like that but after 30 years of addiction I don’t think I even know what a real man is like.

  96. Ronald,

    You made a comment about being rejected but if you look back that is exactly what you did to your wife all the years you chose the porn over your wife. She is dealing with a lot of emotions herself and has been for probably several years. I can guarantee you that she is dealing with feelings of self worth, loneliness, feelings of “not being good enough” , not feeling wanted, disgust and finally resentment. All of these emotions stem from the porn addiction. I don’t mean to sound harsh either, but this is the reality of this addiction. It will take time for the BOTH of you to heal and get past this. I wish you all the best in your healing.

    • Hi Jane,

      I did as I was instructed and I stop asking or expecting sex and try to see my wife with different eyes and perspective and it has definitely helped. After just a week I have seen change in attitude and responsiveness. I don’t know why I waited this long or how I was not getting the message until some one had to spell it out for me in a way.

      It is not easy to “just stop” it takes a different set of mind and heart to do so but it is possible.

      I just wanted to share my outcome for those who are struggling with this issue and don’t seem to be able to find the way out and when you think you “need” sex to survive. You don’t.

      I look forward to continue to repair the damage that has been done and that I am able to open my eyes and see other areas in which I am acting in a similar way but that shouldn’t.

  97. I need advice. I believe my father is addicted to porn, and he has been caught three times now by my mother. He also has a stash of panties, and after promising that he threw them all away,(after being caught again last time), I found several tonight while getting bags from a closet. I don’t know what to do, as my mother has flat out told him she would divorce him if she caught him again. I don’t want to be the cause of my parents divorce, but I can’t stand the fact that he is lying to her, and will end up hurting her again if she finds out. What do I do? Tell her, or live with the fact that I know he is a damned liar.

    • That’s a tough one, Lynne. I don’t think there’s one sure-fire good answer that will fix this, just tough choices. You’ve laid it some options here: you can tell her, and she chooses what she’ll do with that, or you can keep quiet about it and let things take their course. I notice you didn’t list the option of talking to him about it, which would be another option. Again, I don’t think there’s a fixit answer!

      I will say that if you choose to talk to your mom about this, you wouldn’t be causing your parents’ divorce. What happens in their relationship is up to your dad’s choices about his behavior and your mom’s choices about her boundaries. Their relationship, their responsibility.

      Praying for you! Kay

  98. I’m so glad I found this site! I was really starting to totally question myself in my relationship. Me and my commonlaw husband have been together for 8 years we have 2 beautiful children. I always knew about the occasional video or magazine which I assumed was normal male behaviour. But over the years it has been progressively worse to the point that I feel sad, worthless, distrust, disgust at times also. With our first daughter he stopped having intimacy with me and when I asked him about even a little too hormonally I was called crazy. I then started searching…. I have over the years found hookup/dating profiles secret email accounts wen a fake facebook account full of random women and porn stars as he was getting tired of me being upset on comments he made on actresses photos and this was kept up for over a year until I found out. I have not always been unhappy as he is a good man and good dad and attentive when he wants to be. But he also deflects his shame on himself to me by constantly accusing me of cheating or being an escort which I have done nothing but be a devoted wife. It has been the hardest over the last six months as he had some sort of emotional breakdown, he quit his job, stays up all night, sets alarms through the night because he thinks I sneak out at night. Which is ridiculous because other than work which is only part time I am always with him and our kids. I just am so unsure how supportive I can be much longer I do love him more than anything in the world but what about me? He constantly asks me what he can do to make
    Me better and when I say get rid of the porn and porn stars on your facebook its me being controlling, over doing it. I’m so lost please send me tell me am I crazy and overdoing it? Even when I say I don’t want to tell him what will bring me peace of mind because it is him that has to change I can’t fix it for him. Can he really ever change or is it doomed? Is it so unrealistic that I feel so betrayed and hurt and that I classify it like cheating just not with the physicality? There is much more to write just would be too long winded…

    • Hey Tara. Wow. What a tough situation to be in! I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been experiencing for so long. I think you’re absolutely right in saying that you can’t fix this for him. He has to do that for himself. I absolutely do think that people can change! But there’s a lot of work involved, and the person who has the addiction has to do the work.

      I don’t think it’s unrealistic to be hurt by this, at all. With a porn addiction, the addict is turning their attention away from real relationship, and toward all the fake intimacy of porn. That’s what you experience, when you ask him to stop paying attention to actresses and porn stars and pay attention to you, and he refuses. He’s choosing this other fantasy life. That’s not just sad for you–it’s sad for him, too, because he’s missing out on the real thing right in front of him.

      Having boundaries about what belongs and doesn’t belong in your marriage is a healthy thing. And generally it’s great if a couple can decide that together. But with porn addiction, you’re not a part of the conversation. Stuff is getting into your marriage and making a mess and you’re being asked to just be quiet about it. I don’t know if you’ve see our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s stories by several women who had to make tough choices in their marriages. It might help you think through your options.

      Also, let me give you this link to some of our most popular content for women.

      Have a look through some of that, and let me know what you think.

      Blessings,
      Kay

  99. Thank you Kay. I downloaded all the ebooks last night. I definitely am on a long road with this and certainly want to help his the best I can, I have broached this subject with him before which didn’t go over well. We do have a therapist and I think I will discuss this with him as well at the next appointment. But it is time for tough love! If he can’t plan boundaries then it will be tough decision for my sanity and wellbeing of me and my kids. I’m tired of our daughter hearing and seeing the fighting

  100. I want to start off by saying this site had been such a great help to me. I thank everyone for sharing their stories, it helps to know I’m not alone. I’m not married but I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I found out about his porn use early on, he admitted it. Since then, it’s been a rocky road. I have left him many times because in my heart i know this is something I cannot accept. I was really going through it one night and I posted something on here to which Luke responded to. He gave me great advice told me I Also needed help. At first i thought, Me? I’m not the one doing anything! But i took his advice, I started going to meetings and seeing a therapist. I found out that I’m co-dependent. That’s a big part of why I was trying to change him, instead of making a decision that was best for me. Wow! Have found out so much about myself and why I was accepting his behavior. I learned I CANNOT change anyone nor should I be trying to. So, I left him. Again. Two months went by and because of my co-dependent attachment to him, I was miserable. But I faithfully kept attending meetings, and seeing my therapist. But then….I had a weak moment..I called him. He quickly came over and said he also missed me terribly and was going to get help. I believed him. Here we are months later, and except for two meetings he attended at a church, to which he showed up late for, he has yet to seek any help. I asked him last night if he has watched it and he said yes. But what I really resent, is that he says is my fault! Not in so many words, but he says he likes rough sex and that’s why he can’t have an climax with me. Quite naturally, I was upset. I’ve read much about porn and I know it can cause a man to have these issues, to where he can’t perform. I have never had an issue like this and have never met a man who has. I have told him porn can have this effect… But I guess because of denial he won’t accept it. I said it’s been three years and you have not even gotten close and he actually said, because I haven’t gotten him there. I’m going to go back to my meeting because I stopped going altogether. I know I need the support of women who understand and have been there. I have a girlfriend who thinks it’s not such a big deal, because “He’s such a great Guy” she had no idea of the hurt and trust issues involved..

    • Hey Maria, I’m glad you’ve found support here and it’s great to know that Luke’s advice to seek help for yourself was good for you! You know what they say in 12-step groups, right: relapse is part of recovery? It sounds to me like you’ve had a relapse here, but you’ve also got a plan in place for your recovery. You shouldn’t have to have “rough sex” or do anything that makes you uncomfortable in order to keep this relationship–I’m sure you know that already. So yeah, get back with your support group and keep getting stronger. Blessings, Kay

  101. Continued from previous comment… I’m also guilt ridden because I know we are not even supposed to be having sex, we are not married..nor can we be, with this issue. .

  102. my boyfriend has always looked at porn. at the beginning of the relationship it didn’t bother me. but over the past few years its gotten pretty intense. hes downloading porn everyday hes got about 15,000 photos/videos on his phone currently. that’s not counting all the porn on separate hard drives. he still wants sex from me but its hard for me knowing he looks at that all day long. ive told him our relationship is at stake with his addiction and he chooses his porn over me everytime no hesitation. I love him but all this porn is emotionally damaging…don’t know what to do

    • I’m so sorry, Samantha. I think the terrible thing with porn addiction is that relationships get broken as the addict repeatedly chooses to turn away to the addiction. It’s so heart-breaking. I do think guys can recover from porn addiction, but they have to be willing to do the work. If that’s not the case, and if you’re uncomfortable with what’s going on, then I think you have to consider what your boundaries need to be. It’s so hard to make those choices when you do love him!

      You might need to get some support for yourself in this, maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery or individual counseling, as you think through what you want to do. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a counselor in your area.

      And I don’t know how much you’ve read through things here on the blog? Here’s an article Luke put together recently that’s kind of a catalog of some of our most popular pieces for partners. And we have a free download called Hope After Porn where several women tell their stories of recovery in relationships. Most of our relationship stuff is about marriage here, but hopefully you’ll get the gist anyway!

      Let me know if that helps, and if you have more questions. Blessings to you, Kay

  103. How does one leave after 26 years of marriage? I have lived with porn long enough and just disgusted and fed up !!!! But when I attempt to discuss with the husband he says that he does not have a problem, it is all me b/c I don’t approach him in the bedroom. Let me ask all the ladies, how do you approach your husband knowing he has been looking at porn during the day and masturbating? It is nearly impossible to do. Any advise or comments appreciated.

    • Oh, that’s so hard. And so sad. You’re right–the pornography takes the emotional intimacy right out of the marriage, as the addict turns away from the relationship and toward the porn. You might appreciate reading our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundaries they drew in their relationships. And you might also appreciate the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’d also recommend some local support, maybe a counselor (search for someone in your area at American Association of Christian Counselors) or a support group like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery–or even Divorce Care, if you need that in the future. Let us know if that helps at all, and if you have further questions. Blessings, Kay

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