Sexual addiction, an umbrella term which includes pornography addiction, is likely the most harmful addiction when it comes to marriages. The reasons for this are numerous and include the shame associated with this addiction for both the addict and the spouse, the sense of betrayal, and stereotypes linked to the addiction.
I specialize in counseling wives of sex addicts, and I often see women who haven’t told anyone about their husband’s addiction, sometimes for months or even years. The lack of support available to spouses, and often inaccurate information being put out about partners of sexual addicts, can cause a wife to suffer additional trauma and feel like she is partially responsible for her husband’s behavior.
Since this is a “process addiction,” versus a chemical addiction, it is so hard for wives to understand. This lack of understanding can cause numerous misconceptions to be held as truths and can postpone healing.
#1: How can my husband love me and look at porn when he knows it hurts me?
It is possible for your husband to love you, even though he is looking at pornography. In fact, the two are completely unrelated. Men are better than women at compartmentalization. A man’s brain can be compared to a waffle. There are many different compartments so that he can divide his life up into separate components that don’t touch each other. His marriage and family can be in one compartment, his job in another…you get the point.
This is a benefit when a man is fighting in a war and able to focus on the task at hand without worrying about his family back home. But it also makes a man able to look at pornography without thinking about how it may hurt you or his marriage. Women’s brains are more like spaghetti where everything is connected. We are more likely to be worrying about our kids when we are at work and thinking about work when we are at home.
When a man becomes addicted to pornography, it can become a perceived need rather than a choice for him until he becomes willing to reach out for help. His use of porn causes a release of the same chemicals involved when a drug is ingested. At the height of his addiction, nothing, not even the risk of losing his job or his marriage, is enough to stop him. This explains how a politician or celebrity can make such risky, career-destroying moves without stopping to consider the consequences.
Later I will discuss the kinds of consequences that can catapult an addict into reality.
#2: Why does my husband prefer porn and masturbation to sex with me?
Norman Doidge, psychiatrist and author of the acclaimed book, The Brain That Changes Itself, studied porn addicts. He stated,
They reported increasing difficulty in being turned on by their actual sexual partners, spouses, or girlfriends, though they still considered them objectively attractive. When I asked if this phenomenon had any relationship to viewing pornography, they answered that it initially helped them get more excited during sex but over time had the opposite effect.
Your husband had this addiction, or the proclivity toward it, before he ever met you, regardless of what he says. In spite of what you think or even what he might have said, nothing you could do could be enough to sexually satisfy your porn addicted spouse.
Pornography presents an unrealistic reality that damages a person’s brain. They become engrossed in this fantasy world where they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves and no emotional connection is required.
While a porn addict desperately craves love and intimacy (something he is probably unaware of), he seeks it out in the exact place that will cause him to become less and less able to experience it. As I hear sexual addicts talk about their past, it becomes apparent why they are so uncomfortable with the idea of intimacy. This topic is beyond our scope here, but it is important for a wife to be aware that there is a reason her husband became addicted to porn, and that reason is not her.
Read Part 2 answering these four questions:
Question #3: Why am I not enough if I am sexually available to him?
Question #4: He says he looks at porn because I don’t have sex with him enough, am not pretty enough, am too fat, etc. What can I do?
Question #5: My husband says all men do it. Am I making too big a deal out of this?
Question #6: My husband refuses to get help or admit this is a problem. How can I make him stop? What are the risks if he doesn’t stop?
I had a long distance relationship with my fiancé who I stayed with he used porn before I met him. And while we were on webcam he used it with me until I caught him. I still feel worthless he quit and attends meetings for 2 years now. But he really has no desire for sex with me unless he wants it. I suffer daily for the past 3 years. Hes been reading books on how to relearn everything. There’s really nothing I can do wear say to him to turn him on. I’m lonely and sick feeling everyday. I forgave him and love am inlove with him.. I stayed cause he admitted it and got help. I never yelled or said bad things to him but when I complain about what I want he acts like its my fault but say I had nothing to do with it and sometimes makes the wrong comments like well I had you here on the screen and porn in the other corner. The clicking mouse drove me nuts till I realized what it was. He would rather fly planes on the pc or read his kindle. We started a life together I also have grown kids my daughter who lives with us. She has seen me suffer from the first knowing of it. I want to be loved not just him give me signals and then go to bed.
Florence, I am so sorry for the pain you have suffered these last few years. Recovery involves much more than simply stopping the sexual acting out. Addicts almost always also struggle with lying, anger, selfishness, other addictive escaping behaviors (like video games), and a lack of empathy for those they have harmed. It sounds like your fiance is not truly in recovery. I also wonder if he has even truly stopped the pornography according to his low sex drive with you. You didn’t mention if you ended up marrying him, but it sounds like you haven’t. After three years of such misery and with no vows or papers tying you to him, do you think you may be better off leaving the relationship? When someone has been attending meetings and claims to be in recovery for two years and yet things have not changed much between the two of you, something is not right. If you were marreid to this man my advice would be different, but since you are not it sounds like removing yourself from this painful situation may be the best idea. The initial breaking of the attachment bond, comfort and security you have formed with him will be so difficult, but once you move past that you will be able to focus on picking up the pieces of your own life and healing for yourself. You will be able to experience joy again. You did nothing to cause this and you deserve better.
I was just wondering how many of you have actually caught your man in the act? I can’t tell you how many times that I have caught mine or even heard him. I just don’t understand why he does this. We have been together for 20yrs and this has really gotten worse in last 3yrs.I had caught him a few times previously before but I just brushed it off as nothing. But it has gotten so bad now, the he has done when family and friends has came by to visit. And I have gotten to the point to where I don’t even invite anyone over anymore. When I try to talk to him about it he either says that he was doing nothing or like now it’s none of my business.
Tell him it is your business. While I don’t think you need to be rude to him, you should be firm: he needs to know that you don’t approve his use of porn and you think it is harming your relationship. It is harming your relationship both because of how it is shaping his sexuality and because of the secrecy around it.
Been married now for four years and my experience has been so similar. He is an addict who is in denial. We hardly have sex but we want kids so we did some tests. I have always thought I was the one who had fertility problems turns out he has low sperm counts. He has deny that as well so he refuse to do the follow up tests. I have gained over 100lbs because of it. I feel like he is wasting my time. We have been to counselling where he says I have gotten fat so I don’t turn him on. Its depressing . we can have sex but he does not come for years. Yet people around me are getting pregnant having kids while I hit 35 childless known him for over 9 yrs.
Porn and infertility. That is a lot of grief to bear. It sounds like your counseling experiences have been directed toward the marriage relationship, but I’m wondering where you turn for support in all this? I often find that the addiction becomes the focus of the marriage–or the infertility becomes the focus–and these are things that you may have very little control over. Meanwhile, you need supportive relationships as you walk through those painful places. I wonder if a group like Celebrate Recovery could be helpful as you consider where to go from here?
I have been with ny husband for 10 years 5 married years I knew he had watched porn because he showed me a couple videos but I just never cared for it our marriage was wonderful and our sex life was great he began to notice that he would not get a full erection so he began to research y? He then learned that porn was the root of the problem as soon as he learned this he stoped it he says he has not seen it again and will never since he does not want to loose his family over this I love him and I want to help him he has gotten very jealous and as I was researching I read that we should not have any sex for a while so we are doing that I’m scared I want to know how to help him or if we are taking the right steps so this addiction will end and we can have a chance
Hey Jasmine. I’m glad you wrote in!
So it sounds like your husband has taken some good first steps toward getting his issues under control, which is great. He will probably need support in his journey, as recovery usually takes time and hard work. Here’s an article with some ideas for him in that area. It’s really important for both of you to understand that most of the work will be HIS work.
Your work will be to have good boundaries, and to process through your emotions in a healthy way. Here are a couple of free downloads that might be helpful: Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn.
As far as abstaining from sex goes, in the recovery process. The idea behind that is to give his brain a chance to recover from the chemical bath that porn use brings. That’s where the ED comes from–the body gets overwhelmed by all the chemicals from so much arousal, and it needs a chance to heal from that overload and return to a healthy state. Different experts say different things about that, and I think you just have to use your discretion.
Many times, women are afraid to abstain from sex because they want to make sure their husbands don’t look at porn. I don’t think that’s a particularly healthy use of sexual intimacy! Hopefully you’ll be able to arrive at the place where your sexual intimacy reflects your emotional intimacy.
I just spent 3 hours reading this blog and never made it to the end… What is obvious to me now is that I’m not alone in what I am going through. I don’t even need to post my story because it sounds like everyone’s story that has posted here. What I would like to share with this site is how I am shaking uncontrollably after reading all the messages. I truly feel it is beyond my control and no matter how much I love and try to understand it doesn’t change the way I cannot stop shaking and trembling over truly knowing now that I must leave and get away from this.. There is no cure, no understanding that will compel him to stop. He doesn’t believe in God and all the virtues that come with believing so my feelings fall onto deaf ears. I like to still think I am the confident woman but my situation as the wife of a porn addicted husband for 8 yrs is killing my focus and confidence as a human being. I work in medical research and reading all of this is overwhelming evidence that i am killing myself, my spirit and my own health if I continue to stay with this man. He presents himself as everyone here has described “everything else is wonderful in our marriage”! In fact he is probably jerking off to porn, live cam, or sex dating sites as I write this!’ He even has an email !! He uses this email for sexual pleasure. I’m attractive, I weigh 120lbs and I’m 5.6 tall. I take care of myself and I work out 3 times a week to stay toned. I am a confident career and self supporting woman, many men are attracted to me and I hang glide and scuba dive, camp, fish and hunt as hobbies if my own making..i am my own person and don’t expect my husband to be my only source of happiness and by no means do I rely on his financial support…yet he has continued on for years with his porn addiction. What in saying is it has nothing to do with the person they are with…but it can destroy the person they are with and make that person question their purpose in life because you feel so unimportant due to the lack of care of your feelings by someone you thought loved you. But this person allowed their own selfish needs to come first and always first…their needs are more important than yours. Now that I realize this and this is the fact and a man that doesn’t believe in God has no reason to be convicted about anything..a dirt bath after death like he believes we will ALL take is a go ahead to do what he desires in this life with only the consequents of divorce..which is worth it to him not to have to reprogram his brain. After all he enjoys the way he has programed his brain in sexuality, its the most satisfying form he can imagine. Although I love him dearly like most everyone loves their partner on this site.. Love will and cannot fix or repair the damage that has been done. I must look to step out of this sick darkness for myself. I will read everything I’ve downloaded from this site while I “reprogram” my brain to move on with my life and leave the pain behind..
Hi Sandy. I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through. It does sound like your husband is making some pretty extreme acting-out behaviors that do call for strong boundaries on your part. I hope the things you’ve found here will be helpful to you. Just in case you didn’t find our free download, Hope After Porn, I’ll link you to that here. I think there IS hope, there IS healing, but each person in the relationship has to make those healthy, hopeful choices for themselves. Whatever your husband chooses, YOU can choose good health and healing.
One of the things I find so often is that women underestimate the damage to themselves when a marriage is in this kind of turmoil. I hope you’ll be sure to find support for yourself as you move forward. Personal counseling can be a huge help. And there are many groups that support spouses: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, Al Anon, xxxChurch.
Blessings, Kay
My husband is addicted to porn.he watch’s stuff on line on TV. Every night, he is seeing a prostate once a month and she is taken all his money my koning him out of all his money by getting him to buy expensive stuff and return them and keeps the mony, gets that but he can not stop he says he loves me. He is suicidel, and it scares me I know some day he will kill him self, any sigjustyuns on how to deal with this problem please. We are trying to make it work I am hoping we do that we have been together for 20 years so really want to make this our marriage work I do not want to leave him my thought is you for sicker or poor and I know he is sick, there was a time when are sex life was bad I was too fat no sex at all, I left him for a bit he wanted me to come back and work on things, and he holds me in bed we have sex a couple times a week, but when the weekend comes he dose watch’s all day gets depressed sisydale and that really upsets me so much, I do not want him to do that. What do I do to easier on me and how to get him to stop getting this way he is also a alcoholic too so it dose get bad when he drinks wisky what should I do?
Hi Gail,
What a difficult situation you’re in. I am so, so sorry.
If your husband is suicidal, please take him to your nearest hospital emergency room. If he’s not willing to go there, and you are seriously concerned for his safety, you can call 911 and your local police will come to assist you.
It does sound like he needs real help, and I urge you to get him to professional medical care as soon as possible.
Praying for you, Kay
I Am married and separated from a woman that Everybody had the hots for! I’m a good person and get pleasure from giving pleasure to the person that I love ! I’m a porno lover and she knew that when she married me! I Didn’t really want another woman! I wanted variety! The pornography and chat lines are fantasy world wants to let you know what really arouses and stimulates him . He WANTS you to find something that you are ok with as a starting point for compromise! He will never leave you if you don’t leave and abandon HIM!!
What PORN is doing —causing IMPOTENCE IN YOUNG MEN! i never thought young men could become this way until reading how women arent having sex with husbands except once a MONTH, and then THEY have ot BEG for it–cause hubby is DONE! Women need to get upset even more than now
50 Shades of Grey is the book of female porn–it could affect us MORE than men since we have a ‘spaghetti’ brain
men and women can stop porn viewing BUT little could take the images out of your head–they could be in there forever
I have a theory: if hubby is under 30 and wants sex with you only once a week or once every two weeks, it could be a PORN PROBLEM. Unless he has a job thats extremely physical and takes EVERYTHING out of him—men are ready every 72 hours as a rule
Sapphire,
You are exactly right. I am an older woman 60 and have been married for over twenty years. My husband has been doing this for a long time. He is 63 but he can no longer function with me. He’s told me that he is not attracted to me anymore which I can understand because I am older. But from what I understood from a counselor was that weight usually doesn’t matter if you have a good relationship. I could never form the good relationship with the young women online. I was 38 when I had married him and weighed 110. He says it’s my fault because I don’t do anything to make him turned on. I had sex five times a day with my first husband and this husband is just really addicted. The reason why I am responding is that I have noticed in the several offices where I have worked over the last 10 years, many twenty something women are complaining and I have always believed that it was the porn. The porn will turn their private parts to a weenie after some time. I also found out that they become immune to what they are viewing and some keep wanting to see younger and younger women until they reach the unthinkable.
My husband is horrible he doesnt care at all how it makes me feel. He cant admit he has a problem. It sickens me all together how he hides it lies about it and sometimes when i catch him he will deny it. Sometimes i think we r ok. Then i fjnd out he has been looking a porn basically everytime he goes to the bathroom etc. I told him its a huge turnoff for me he doesnt care i ask him if im not good enough he lies to me and tells me i am. I tried just talking to him about it and its always some huge lie to just get me to shut up. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. I finally blurted out that he is the 30yr old creep behind the computer. I almost didnt marry him beacuse of porn but decided i loved him and he said he was willing to get help. We have been married 7yrs and it hasnt stopped.i hate him sometimes for it. I guess despite us buying a house and moving up in life im incrediabley unhappy and feel a little guilty for it and i shouldn’t its not fair.
Hey Brandi, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. I think it sadly is the case (studies are showing this) that pornography addiction does create that sense destructive entitlement that you’re experiencing with your husband.
I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s several women telling their stories of recovery; there’s a lot about boundaries and what you can do, besides feel angry and trapped! I also wonder if you’ve ever read Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend?
And after all you’ve been through, it sounds to me like you could really use some support, maybe a local Celebrate Recovery group or personal counseling. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to check.
Sapphire,
I absolutely believe in your theory my boyfriend is 26 and he just revealed to me yesterday he is a porn addict. I honestly didn’t know what the problem was..we have been together for two years and most of the time we have sex once a week, sometimes less. I knew it had something to do with him but I thought low libido or something. Although it did bother me that I knew he could get off to porn. I just didn’t know how often he was doing it. Now that I do know he said he will just focus on other things and that he won’t do it anymore. At this point it is hard to believe, mainly because the whole time we’ve been together we’ve had problems with this. He was single though for five years before me, so he was basically “dating porn.” He was really scared yesterday before he told me that because I told him that I was so tired of being told he didn’t want to have sex with me which I am constantly told. I said I was at the end of my ropes with this and it has to change or I was basically done. I was to the point where I didn’t want to do anything with him or touch him period because it started to make me feel like a monster. This has been emotional straining so I hope he is serious about making a change and working on us. Thank you for your post sorry my comment was long. Just thought about my situation with your theory!
If your boyfriend is serious about quitting porn–which is great–he’s going to need help! He might appreciate this article which has some suggestions he could follow up. If he’s already, at age 26, struggling with erectile dysfunction, then he will need more than just good intentions. A group like Sex Addicts Anonymous could be really helpful to him. You might also appreciate S Anon, as that will give you support and a safe place to process your emotions while considering what healthy boundaries might look like for you, going forward.
He said he is serious and he usually does it in the morning and its become a routine and I actually just bought him an Xbox one for his birthday. So he said instead of doing that he will play on the Xbox. He said he isn’t too worried that he won’t be able to stop. He also told me though that he’s tried to quick before. I have opened communication with him so he feels free to talk to me going forward I have also just worked on encouraging him to join a forum where he can openly talk to others that are or have been through this. He is very much in the shame part of being an addict! But I think the fact that he finally opened up to me about it is a start! I also told him relays is normal and that he should just be honest that if it happens hr tells me ‘ I don’t want to have sex because I got off on porn today ‘ instead of just ‘no’ because then at least I won’t feel like its because of me he doesn’t want to have sex. I have dealt with many addictions so I understand the healing process. I also let him know that his honesty with me will not turn into a fight, that I refuse to fight with him because he is trying to overcome an addiction. I will definitely have him check out these articles as well.
Well he has already relapsed!!!! I sent him the articles and everything ughh I don’t know how much more of this I can take!! :( I’m the only one that’s trying here which is crazy because its not my addiction its HIS addiction!! I don’t even know why he told me its not like he cares to stop!!! Ugh!!!!!
Yes. I don’t think there are easy answers to this. You can’t fix it for him. He has to take responsibility for his own recovery. Meanwhile, you can take responsibility for yourself by getting support, processing your emotions and decisions with safe people, and deciding what healthy boundaries you need to have. I think we would all like to believe that “love conquers all,” but in fact it never overrides free will. We always have choices to make. It’s really sad when people we love make terrible choices, I know. Blessings as you work out what healthy choices you can make. Kay
I am 26 and My husband is 27. We have been married for only about 7 months now. Just this evening I confronted him about girls he was searching on a social media site. He had no reasoning as to why he did. He than admitted to me that he has a problem with Porn. I am losing my mind. I asked him to leave me alone because I feel like my whole marriage is a lie and basically down the drain. I have lost all trust in him. I feel completely worthless and my heart is broken. We both know God, but I feel like his secret is so past recovery. Reading these comments helps to know that I am not alone.
Hey Alicia. You are certainly not alone! I’m glad your husband was able to admit that he has a problem with porn and acting out on social media. The good news is, he CAN make good choices for himself and recover. He’ll have to do some hard work, though. Here’s an article for men that talks about successful recovery. And here’s a free download, Your Brain on Porn, that can help him understand why he’s doing what he’s doing. Most men find that they need support through counseling or a group like SA during recovery.
Meanwhile, make sure that you get the support you need to process your emotions and decide on healthy boundaries for yourself, through counseling and/or a group (Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon). Here’s a link to our best articles and resources for spouses. Let us know if you’ve got more questions as you look through those resources. Blessings, Kay
I can’t believe this is happening. I’ve lived with a man for 25 yrars. Sex has been very good but he always wanted other wemon. He was on dating sites. I caught him so many times. Now I find out he’s been watching filthy discusting pirn. Even teen sites that advertise teen pirn. I was told he will go yo child porn next. I’m moving out of state because of this. He lies and says he won’t do it again and does. On Thanksgiving day he looked at sites all day. The last year’s he could never finish, I know why now. He blames it on his antidepressant. He’s spinning out of control. When he sees a sex female actress on TV he Google her name looking for a nude pic. Why is this happening. I’m being forced out of my home of 9 years, I have to leave my pets behind. Are they safe with him? Will he rape them next? Please help me, someone help me, please help me.
Hi Christine,
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I’m glad you’ve been able to create healthy boundaries for yourself by moving out. I’m sure your pets will be fine, and I hope you can be reuinited with them soon. I want to encourage you continue in healthy boundaries, and to find help and support for yourself in this. A counselor just for you would be a good help, and a support group could be great too.
One of the most readily accessible resources is the online group, Bloom, where there are forums, classes, and other helpful resources.
My boyfriend still does it & lies to my face. He can’t perform with me except about half the time an when he does he can’t ejaculate for me. He blames being tired, distracted or his medication. But I know when he’s lying to me. I can tell by his behaviors. Behavior doesn’t lie. He hasn’t admitted it to anyone but me, insists we keep his secret & refuses to get help for himself. I am heartbroken & a recovering addict who has a feelings disease. In the past I have relapsed over feelings of inadequacy & felling unloved, not good enough or rejected. Those are my biggest triggers. Also feelings of betrayal. He is aware of all this & continues to hurt me regardless. I am at the end of my rope. He is so loving & supportive in every other way. Our sex life has improved. But nonetheless, he won’t change without help & he refuses to get it. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough or like I will never be enough for him. What do I do?
My boyfriend does the same. It’s called delayed ejaculation and he only can have it through masturbation. It’s very difficult. I would like to have romantic sex but he isn’t capable. I have the same feelings as you are experiencing.
Your story is almost identical to mine, except my boyfriend doesn’t have any issues with ejaculation. Our sex life is fine, just a little less often than a year ago. It’s always great in the beginning. I feel same way about myself as you are describing. Difference is not so much the porn, but the sex chat lines, hookup sites ect. I don’t know what else to do.
I know how you feel!! My husband of 12 years always rejected me and we went for long periods of time without sex. The rejection I felt tore my heart out for so long. I have seen his phone with more than 85 porn videos.. Pirn pictures that he has collected over the years and he is still in denial! He says its normal!! I’m sick of feeling not good enough, boobs aren’t big enough, not sexy enough , and just the loose eyes he has for anything with boobs!! He won’t get help and i have finally made the decision to leave!!! im worth more than this!!! he lives raunchy nasty women and im the exact opposite! love is not suppose to hurt ladies.. make your decision ladies…. things won’t change..!!
I think that the most important way to deal with your problem is to have a strong community of others that share your problem and want to fix it. I’m part of a facebook group that can really help you called Spouses of Porn Addicts Support Group. Feel free to join the community so we can all work to solve our partners problems together.
I can totally relate to leann and michelle, My story is too painful and long to share here. My hisband is not only a porn addict, he lso has anger management problems so u know what happens eah time I talk about it. He says it he is not an addict although i have more than enough evidence to prove it, Worse, he keeps insisting there is a missing’ connection’ between us after some misunderstandng in the beginning of our marriage.He has been treating me like dirt . Why am I still with him? My first husband had ED and I only found out after marriage, this time around no one will believe me. I have to tay for the sake of family too. But i have no kids and think my depression will get worse after having one. My family has done so much for him and it hurts when he treats me this way.
Hey Regina, thanks for sharing with us. I’m sorry things are so hard for you and your husband. It sounds like you feel really trapped and frustrated and helpless. And it’s true, there’s very little we can do about the choices that others make. I wish we had more control! But we just don’t! We talk a lot about boundaries for spouses here on the blog. I don’t know if you’ve read any of those articles? Check this one out, and let me know what you think.
I am having the same problem. In the beginning of our relationship we had gone an entire year without even making out. I felt like a piece of meat. After bringing it up to him he got a lot better but lately he will get up out of bed in the morning and go out to the couch to masturbate. I don’t know how many times I walk out on him and he tries to play it off like he was getting ready for me.. He also has to get himself off when we have sex. He has never just let it happen. He says he wants to get married and have kids and he is so sweet and loving all the time except when we are in bed.. I need help. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of him cheating because he doesn’t seem interested. I walked out in lingerie last night and got nothing but a glance… It makes me feel so worthless and like I need to be a porn star to be attractive to him.
Hey Madison, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through. I hope we can provide some help and support for you here.
Just a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about boundaries while dating. Here’s the link. I don’t know if that helps you think through how you want to handle this. Here’s another article that addresses this issue of ED. This is becoming so common, and actually sometimes it’s the thing that will motivate men to finally work toward recovery. There is no way you can be pretty enough to combat this–it just doesn’t work that way. I think what really needs to happen is this: he needs to deal with his addiction. He’s got to do some serious work to get himself out of this, if the relationship is going to have a healthy future. Here’s yet another article! This one is practical steps and spiritual resources for men in recovery, if he’s willing to have that conversation. Obviously, a number of things would have to change.
I know it’s really hard to remember, but this is NOT about you. This is NOT about you being a worthless, unattractive person. This is about addiction and what he needs to do to recover. Recovery is completely, totally possible! It’s a lot of work, it takes time, it’s painful, but it’s absolutely possible.
I think it’s really important for you to think through what your own boundaries will be. I think your concerns about future cheating are really legitimate. Sadly, that happens when sexual addiction spirals out of control. I know you have hard choices to make. I hope the materials here on the website will be helpful. Please let me know if I can point you toward other materials as well.
I’ve been married four years,but we’ve been together for eleven years total. This past June I tried to kill myself because my husband’s addiction to porn has mentally and emotionally destroyed me. When I got out of the hospital he told me that he never really understood that what he was doing was effecting so deeply. (I can’t count how many times and in different ways I have explained to him the toll it was taking on me.) He said that the image of me attempting to take my own life would be enough to stop him from any temptation or urge to view porn ever again. (For a few months I took his word for it) . Then I checked the Google history on his phone. He views porn all the time even while he’s at work. (During the second year of our relationship (prior to realizing that he had an addiction) I entertained his idea to watch porn together, as a couple. At that point watching porn did not cause him physical arousal. I asked him about it and he said that he needs to be physically touched to get an erection.) A week after my suicide attempt, he started experiencing symptoms of ED. He has been diagnosed with low testosterone and has been on hormone replacement therapy for two in a half weeks. So far, there hasn’t been any improvement with his ED. I can’t take this anymore. I love him, but he doesn’t want to admit he has a problem and get the help he needs. I know I need help because his addiction is literally destroying me. Together we have four children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest is 3. I don’t know what to do anymore and my efforts toward trying to salvage this relationship are diminishing. Anti-depressants aren’t working and I’m quickly slipping back to that bad place. I don’t know what to do, I am broke and have no place that me and my kids can go. I know I can’t stay here and let him destroy me.
Andrea, my heart just breaks for you. And I’m so sad that your husband is unwilling or unable to get the help he needs. It sounds like he may have good intentions, but is so addicted that he’s unable to follow through, and that’s impacting him now with the ED. Both of you are missing out on a relationship that could be life-giving to you both, and that is a huge, terrible loss. I’m not surprised this has impacted you so deeply.
My concern at this point is for your safety and well-being. Whatever your husband chooses, you have your own health to consider–to say nothing of how this has to be impacting your children. I think you need the support of a good counselor (check the American Association of Christian Counselors for someone in your area). Also, groups like Celebrate Recovery can be enormously helpful, and they are free and available in many churches around the country.
I also hope that your close friends and family know what’s going on with you, so they can provide support to you as well. This is just way too much for you to carry on your own.
When you come to a place like this, you’ll want to consider what your boundaries need to be. Clearly, you’re unable to go on as you have been before. I don’t know if you’ve read our free download, Hope After Porn? It might be encouraging for you to see how other women have handled their boundaries in situations like yours. Also, Luke just recently put together a list of all our top articles for women, which might provide some ideas for you as well.
Let me just say this. When you’re extremely depressed, and it sounds like you have been for some time now, your brain turns off its “possibility thinking” and goes into pure survival mode. It’s really common to feel trapped, to feel that nothing can change, to feel that there are no other options besides the terrible one you’re in right now. But here’s the thing.
God is never, ever, ever out of options. He loves you and walks with you and mourns with you and REDEEMS even when we have no idea how that could be possible. I agree with you that this situation looks terrible, and I have no idea what lies ahead of you yet. I only know that God walks with you and He will never let you go. He’s provided people around you to be the Body of Christ to you right now. I get to be maybe one little pinky finger of that right now. Your family and friends and support group and therapist get to be other parts. You’re wounded and you need to be carried, and there is a Body that’s supposed to do that for you right now, until you can walk again on your own.
Prayers for you today–Kay
Michelle I so identify with you my partner and I are both in recovery I used to think it was harmless and didn’t judge at all but now I’ve probably been touched 3 times in 2 years like you my fear of rejection and stubbornness stops me from attempting any form of intamacy and he seems to think it’s ok coz he pays a few bills and takes care of our sons nneeds, I’m now overly sensitive I watch tv and cry at relationships where they show love and compassion to eachother. I’m a chronic people pleaser so go out of my way to please him like a puppy dog then get resentful as there’s no response!! I no deep down it shouldn’t be like this but I’m 48 been with him for 30 years through some mad times and I have huge anxiety when it comes to change!! It’s too familiar I’m at a loss x
My husband left me twice for blaming me for his porn addictions. He got so bad that he also bought sex toys for himself and hid them. U have discovered everything, and when I did of last year 2014, he left and I was to blame. I forgave him and he moved back in but he wasn’t healed , he was the same. He left 4wks later. He wished the worst on my life and told me to move on. It was a complete nightmare. Two months later I was happy and peacefull he had recovery from porn due to self control and guilt. He came back home for the third time in oct 2014 he left in march. Since then I can not recover from the brutal verbal abuse and never being enough for him. I have no trust, little love, and no confedence in myself even tho I am not the reason. I catch him lusting after anything with hair, it discusses me bit his porn I hope has stoped. He has no smart phone and we have no Internet and we watch no rated R films.
Hey Michelle. I hope it’s obvious to you by now that his porn use is his responsibility and not yours. And, recovery is about so much more than “no porn.” It’s really about him not using sex just to satisfy himself any way he wants, and instead making sex a part of an emotionally connected, respectful, loving relationship.
Verbal and emotional abuse have no place in a marriage relationship! When you’ve been abused that way, of course your trust and confidence are gone, along with your love.
Whatever choices he makes, I hope you will seek support for yourself. There are often free support groups available through domestic violence shelters nation-wide; Family Advocacy Centers are another good place to look for counseling support for yourself. Celebrate Recovery is a support group program that many churches offer. You can also look for a counselor for yourself in your area as a good support as you consider what is healthy for you to do next.
Ella, as opposed to Florence, I am married to the man so I’m wondering what your advice would be. I don’t think our situation is as extreme as hers but my husband hasn’t looked at porn for about 2 1/2 years of which we’ve been married 16 months. I’d like to have sex multiple times a week but he’ll only initiate it once or twice. I’m glad to initiate sometimes but get discouraged when I’m rejected and would honestly like to be pursued more often than pursue. He’s not excited about lingerie, “dirty” pictures of me, me talking “dirty”, or most of my sexual advances. Thank God he does not play video games. He works out regularly,watches a few TV shows and ESPN but not excessively. It just seems like he only wants sex when he wants it–which has nothing to do with me. When I used to ask him about his low libido and if I could help at all he was very defensive and took it as an attack on his manhood. Now he’s more receptive and does connect it with years of addiction to porn but I want to see some healing! By God’s grace I wasn’t exposed to porn and was a virgin when we married and I know the amazing freedom I feel in the marriage bed. I want him to feel the same thing! What can I/we do?
Ojitos…he is still involved in view porn.
I feel I may have to agree with the above comment. He might still be viewing porn. My husband (newlyweds, were just past a year) was caught out and then ‘ended it’. Unfortunately after a few months of the same thing… Not having sex often I eventually found out the porn was still going on. There’s an article online (maybe was on here) that mentions that porn encourages lying and my gosh had he been lying.
He is truly sorry for it. But it still goes on months later. God is my only source of trust and love. And should always be. I hope things begin to become clearer and easier for you. I hope I’m wrong about your husband. Just don’t forget, we may not be able to fix this … And the husband may not be able to either, but God can.
Work at it. Encourage and uplift your hubby but don’t trust him in difficult circumstances. From where I stand I think it should be okay to ‘keep an eye on him’ without hurting him etc. definitely seek counselling through pastors or leaders at your church, or if you don’t go to church seek out a counsellor who would encourage putting an end to porn and associated activities.
Praying for you
Hi everyone
Iv been married for 7 years and been with my husband for 10.
I knew he sometimes watched porn, I found out 4 years ago and we had a bad arguement and he made me feel like I was wrong cos all men do it sometimes. So I let it be.
But then I got pregnant last year and found out that he had also been going to strippers for ten years and has a severe porn addiction.
I faced him with all of it and he went crazy. He has stopped going to strippers but I don’t know for how long
He blamed everything on me.
He denies it all, iv cought him since watching porn we will lie and get angry and blows if I mention it.
I am attractive, I know that but I still feel so low and hurt.
He just lied. He wants to hide and watch and mastrubate.
He watches women mastrubating and changing etc
I don’t get that. I’m sooo hurt
I want to stop loving him cos his not worth my love. I really need help.
Iv tried everything but he won’t admit anything.
Also because I’m asian he says a non asian woman would not be like me
And I’m pathetic and insecure
He knows I’m telling the truth but he still calls me nasty names and insults me.
Sarah, what your husband is doing to you is mean-spirited and cruel. A while back I wrote an article called “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn” where I address men like your husband. He needs to ask himself if this is really the man he wants to be. Does he want to be a man who loves one woman well, or does he want to be a man who is always sneaking off to get his fix from his computer or from the woman who he has to pay to like him?
I highly recommend you get this free e-book and read it: Porn and Your Husband. It will help you to think about what you need to do next.
A little more than than two weeks I discovered my husband had subscribed to an online dating service and listed himself as single. He has been having conversations with at least 8 women at a time. Many of these have shared nude pictures of themselves and he has shared some with them as well. I know he has has a problem in the past with porn but this is the first time he has ever carried on conversations with anyone on line. He’s lied about his age, marital status. I’ve even found out he has met some of the women in person. When I confronted him, all he will say is I don’t look,the same as I did when we married. Did I mention we’ve been married 31 years? I can’t even begin to share the anguish I have felt over this. I have tried so many times to talk to him, discuss the problem and he refuses to talk about it. According to him, it’s all my fault. I am a Christian and the thought of my marriage being over scares me to
death. We’ve decided to separate . I wish he would just go ahead and have sex with one of these women so I can file for a divorce based on adultery. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Hey Beth, I am so, so sorry for what you’re going through. I know you know this, but let me just say it: this is NOT about how you look! He’s making really sad choices and lying to himself, to you, and to these other women. That is not about how you look! That’s about how he feels inside himself, and his inability to deal with that in a healthy way. His choices are NOT your fault!
I’m actually encouraged that you’ve decided to separate, under the circumstances. Of course, that is not what we wish for when we get married, but sometimes it’s sadly necessary. It sounds like he is not prepared to take responsibility for himself, and it does concern me that his bad choices could impact your health, if he decides to become sexually active with some of these women. It certainly seems as if his choices are escalating in that direction.
I totally understand your desire for closure in this, especially since it looks like he’s not willing to do any work toward recovery. I would say this: don’t worry about whether your feelings are wrong. Your life has been turned upside down, and you’re going to have all kinds of feelings. Whatever your feelings, just make good, healthy choices for yourself. Get lots of support, because you’re going to need help as you think through what’s next. I’d suggest counseling. You can find someone in your area through the American Association of Christian Counselors. There’s also good support through Celebrate Recovery, which has groups in lots of places.
Let me know if those things help at all. Blessings, Kay
wow…. I just found out that my partner and best friend of 17 years has been viewing porn on a work computer at home for 3 years even though he has a personal computer at home.. If fact on both work assigned computers instead of our own What kind of person does this???.?? Deliberately destroys everything good in their life?…. He finally told me when he knew he had to turn one in for a new one and may be caught and i am his superior. Worst of all we work together and have for 10 years and have been models to others of an incredible pair…I am a mess…the betrayal is unfathomable especially when the relationship for both of us ( so he says) was so loving supportive and special by our accounts as well as everyone who knows us. he does not know why he did it, He is begining to realize the fukashima he has made of a wonderful life, sex was fine but not that often, love seemed always there he was a model partner to me and me to him, he was the love of my life, now I don’t even know who he is, and neither does he from the sounds of it. I don’t understand this why would anyone purposefully destroy a wonderful relationship, dream jobs together that people only dream about and throw it all away? I am 3 days into this and all I can say is that I feel like my best friend died…..
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now. Your story resonates with me, as I had many of the same thoughts when my husband’s porn habit was discovered. It just made no sense in the context of our lives together, and that made me question everything I thought I knew. I think that’s the mystery of this habit/addiction–it takes on a life of its own, and the explanations are just not very satisfying, not even to the user!
Here’s the thing. I think it CAN be healed. But healing happens with the addict takes full responsibility for his recovery, and you get lots of support for yours.
The guys who get better (1) filter/monitor internet use (2) educate themselves (3) get personal support through personal or group therapy. My husband has really appreciated the resources at Pure Desire; they also have groups in some places.
Women who recover well (1) educate themselves (2) have good boundaries (3) get personal support through personal or group therapy. Celebrate Recovery is a good group resource in many areas.
Our story is that our relationship was better AFTER recovering from porn than it ever was before. I think when you’ve got a partner who is really willing to work, that can happen! Of course if he doesn’t want to work, you can recover on your own.
Meanwhile, let me know how those resources work out and we’re always here to answer questions. Blessings Kay
Our husband’s have to fall hard and loose almost everything to overcome porn, my husband caused me for his issues and verbally abused me everyday. He would lie and sound so convincing. I try ed to wear the best clothes and do undisrcibable sex acts for him, but it just pushed him towards more porn. At the time I didn’t know what to do or how to act. It took his leaving me to gain strength and confidence in myself. Help from other men and woman was wonderful, but the tears and anger was still residing in my heart and nightmares. Like I said in my other post; it has been a hard recovery for my trust and emotions. My husband wants me several times a day. But I feel that his sex addiction is live and we’ll wetter he’s watching porn or not. I catch him looking at woman’s bottoms like their the last worm on earth and yet I’m told I have the best boots ever. It makes no sence, it’s pure hypocrite. I know in my heart I can survive without him and I don’t need to improve to keep him sexual pleased. It is he who needs to improve, I have seen several improvements in actions, but some evil actions are hidden from me. But the Lord reveals them to me. Being in prayer and knowing your not the one to blame helps me everyday to press on.
You’re definitely not to blame. Cling to that as you consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you in this situation. You might like to read our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own choices in recovery. Blessings, Kay
Sounds like he is just compartmentalized his viewing, and continues.
My daughter is in love with a man who has a pornography addiction. She says she loves him and can’t believe that the “side effects” of his addiction will be a problem for her and her children. What do I say to her? Her brother is a heroin addict and she loathes him. When I compare the heroin addiction to the porn addiction she thinks I’m exaggerating, but I believe both are addictions. She has always been a straight arrow. I’m completely at a loss.
Great question, JustTheMom. It will probably be very difficult to convince your daughter about the gravity of the problem for two reasons: (1) she’s in love and that’s not an easy thing to shut down, and (2) the seriousness of his addiction hasn’t really surfaced (yet). A few questions:
1. Is he open about his addiction with her: is it just something he accepts as part of his life and doesn’t care what she thinks?
2. How does she feel about him looking at porn? Not just the addiction part: how does it make her feel knowing he’s masturbating to images of thousands of other women online?
Its very important for you to consider website ConquerSeries.com
Looks like a great series!
I’ve been married five years now and always had a freakish side in me and do enjoy porn.in fact my husband and i would watch it together, make our own videos,etc. Todaywe decided to watch a porn and i ran across one that consists of nothing but women, but as if they are interacting one on one with the viewer…this blew me away. When i asked my husband about it who was right there with me, his response was o well you know i like porn. This is more than porn, he is literally placing himself right then and there and even fantasizing a true connection with these actresses. At that point i consider it cheating and am livid to even be around him right now. He always wants sex, but will not initiate anything unless I’m asleep. ???, I’m so confused and distraught right now about this
Coco, So many have introduced porn to their relationship or participated in it willingly, completely unaware of the dangers to the mind and to the relationship. After all, society is very accepting of porn, as if watching it in normal and even healthy. By watching porn with or without your partner, you are both playing with fire. I recommend the book Wired for Intimacy by Dr. William Struthers for more detail on how porn affects the brain. However, I will just say that when one of you is consistently watching porn there is no intimacy (emotional connection) in the relationship, regardless of whether you are watching it together. There are many reasons for this but one is that neither of you are emotionally present with the other during sex if you are watching or fantasizing about someone else. Over time this will pull you farther and farther apart in every area of your relationship. The fact that he always wants sex, but will only initiate when you are asleep is an example of his discomfort with intimacy. He wants to use your body, but does not want you. He has conditioned his brain to see women as nothing but objects, even if he is unaware of this. When you are asleep he does not have to worry about talking to you or relating to you in any sort of emotional way. This is classic of a porn addict. Like any addiction, sex/porn addiction is progressive and will only get worse. I would like to ask you though, you say you feel cheated on (and I agree), but how is what he is doing any more wrong than what you are doing? You are both fantasizing about other people. You are both being unfaithful in your minds and hearts. One last thought: The male brain responds to porn differently than the female brain. You may be addicted to porn yourself, but it sounds like you are able to enjoy it occasionally without using it compulsively. While it is still damaging your brain, your husband is likely using porn way more often than you know. You both need significant professional help and your husband needs treatment for porn/sex addiction. It is a deadly lie that porn can add spice to your marriage and sex life. Porn will kill your marriage and the only hope you have is to completely remove it from your lives. This may sound extreme. I used to be fairly open-minded to the occasional use of porn, but learned the hard way how damaging it is.
My fiance/ baby father is addicted to porn pics, and videos, even moreso, I had his phone the other day and found porn pics on his facebook page….right under pics of our newborn son. I asked him, ” do you remember when we first met?, do you remember seeing our little son on the sonogram at the Dr’s office?, do you remember my painful back labor 2 days before my painful delivery? …he answered yes thoughtfully to all these questions, then I landed it on him with, ” I want you to think about all this whenever you go to look at some faked boobed half naked bitch, who has no respect for herself or other women.” I also told him the bible says if you can’t refrain from looking lustfully at a woman who is not your wife, you would be better off removing your eyes. I was pissed and hurt. Still am. He said that this is a spiritual battle. I asked him if this is what he is thinking about when we have sex. Is he projecting a fantasy of whatever nasty things he has been watching while we have sex. He said no, but then said that he only does it when he gets mad at me. This is hard because he is a good man and great dad in every other aspect of our relationship. But I cant accept this
Hey Tiffany, I’m glad you wrote in. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, but glad we can be a support to you as you decide what to do next. Of course you’re hurt and angry–those are perfectly normal emotions to have when your relationship is being threatened. I agree that you don’t have to accept this. Your fiance needs to take responsibility for his choices, and work toward recovery if the relationship is going to be healthy. If he makes good choices, then he’ll be trustworthy again.
He needs a plan and he needs to work the plan. Here’s an article with some ideas for guys who want to get out of a porn habit. You might try passing that along to him, and seeing what he thinks about it.
Meanwhile, you’ll need to think about your own boundaries, and you’ll need support as you consider how to respond to this in a healthy way. You might find a support group in your area through Celebrate Recovery. Many churches have these, to help us deal with all the bumps and bruises of life. Also, many women find personal counseling to be really helpful, and the American Association of Christian Counselors has therapists all over the country. Here’s a list of articles from the blog that you might find helpful. And you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn.
I hope those resources will be helpful to you as you work through this situation. Let me know if you have more questions. Kay
I never thought of myself as a prude but the terrible pain I feel at my husband’s porn habits makes me feel like one. My husband works at night and I work during the day. He only works part time. On nights that he’s not working he stays up alone all night with the computer. I’ve found enough evidence to know that porn and beautiful women are a part of his internet routine. I know that men compartmentalize and I’ve heard that I shouldn’t take it personally. Yet if I could I would look him in the eyes and tell him I used to think that I was a desirable woman, but I don’t anymore. I would tell him that what he does alone doesn’t just affect him, but me too. I would tell him that it’s getting harder and harder for me to have sex, because I feel like such a terrible failure when I can barely turn him on and he can never have an orgasm. I would tell him I ache because he never glances at my body anymore. I would also tell him I understand, that I could never and will never be able to compete with this young beautiful bodies. In return he would gently tell me that these are my issues…not his. That he doesn’t have a problem with porn, but that he does look at it. He would say it sweetly and kindly and make me almost forget that he has no intention to change.
And so I’m left with the question. How do you go on? The only way I can bare the pain of it is when I pretend it’s not there…but inevitably the evidence surfaces and my heart breaks all over again. The anguish I feel sometimes feels unbearable. One thing I wanted to be to my husband is a desirable woman and he desires me not in the least—not the way he wants these countless other much younger, much more beautiful women. To be honest, when I allow myself to think about this it makes me wish I had never met him. Not because I don’t love him but because the pain is so great and permanent, and I wouldn’t hurt this way if I’d never allowed myself to love him. But what can I do about that now. Instead I sob here in front of the computer, after finding the most recent evidence. I cry alone and tomorrow I will smile and pretend that I don’t know anything. And in a few weeks, when I get up the courage and emotional strength to initiate sex with him I will pretend not to notice that I don’t fully arouse him, that he’s not looking at me during, and I’ll try not to cry when he can’t organism. And do you know what the saddest thing is? That I’m typing this all with the hopes that he will see it, feel what I feel for just a moment.
Oh Rain, my heart breaks for you. Let me tell you I have sat with numerous couples in the couch in front of me. Many times those wives looked just like the younger, beautiful women you are describing. The ones we see on the cover of magazines. And often their husband wants nothing to do with them sexually. Pornography pollutes the brain so badly that even if objectively finds his wife attractive, he often no longer sexually desires her. It isn’t about what she looks like. I know that is hard to believe, but this is true. It is about the fact that no woman can compete with 100 images or more in 5 minutes. No real woman can compete with the kind of sex that is all about him where he doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her or saying the right things or even looking her in the eyes. Those things are too close to imtimacy and a sex addict has an intimacy disorder. Intimacy terrifies him. He begins to prefer sex with himself where he knows just what he likes and how he likes it and where he can fantasize easily about multiple different people and activities. None of this is natural. None of this is how God designed it and a healthy man will crave sex with a real woman over masturbation. But a sex/porn addict is so brain damaged, due to what he has exposed his brain to. This is all actually very much based in science. Brain scans have shown this type of damage. Those with much greater understanding of the brain than I have have explained how pornography rewires the brain and causes so much harm. And another thing to remember. Your husband had this problem before he ever met you. So what do you do? The sad truth is that your husband will most likely never change unless he believes he will lose you if he doesn’t get help. Threats that are not followed through with reassure him that he can get away with these behaviors and he will continue, not because he wants to hurt you but because the addiction is more powerful than you or I can imagine. I can promise you that the problem will not just go away on its own with time and it will only get worse, as addiction is progressive.
Hi hun I have just cried reading your page because I am going through the same thing right now. My husband is addicted also and each time I find him out he says ‘No more’ but I find more. I feel unattractive, unsexy, feel like I have nothing and I dont know what to do anymore as he continues to hurt me over and over again with all this filth. But he wont talk to me about it. I am such a lovely soft hearted person with lots of love to give but I can’t love him the way I used to now.
my husband has not had sex with me in 2 years. I am an attractive woman. He sleeps in our 10 yr olds room with his laptop. she sleeps with me. he is a recovering alcoholic. he has not addressed this addiction. i am so wanting intimacy with a man that i am afraid of what choices i will make.
Hi Janelle,
Thank you for your honesty. It is good that you are acknowledging your own weaknesses right now. Find a good friend or mentor you can talk to about these things. It will help you to stay level-headed amidst all this garbage.
When you talk to him about his addiction, what does he say to you?
I feel for you wholeheartedly. This is my situation. The porn is the main issue at this point in time, but we are a few years past infidelity, internet and otherwise, and other OCD issues that he has had.
I, too, have wished I didn’t love my husband so much, otherwise I could be free of this constant stress and worry. I always hold out hope. They always say that communication is the most important factor in a marriage, and I believe it, but men (at least some) are impossible to communicate with, even with gentle nudging, when it comes to emotional or sexual issues. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t because I am still looking for one. Luckily, there is a lot of love between us, but I always wonder how you can love someone and treat them with such disrespect. (I could not love someone deeply and betray them at the same time). For whatever its worth, just know that you are not alone. I wish there was a women’s help line where we could communicate with one another to help relieve the pain. Going to a counselor has to be a 2-way street and mine refuses, so its a very lonely road. I have been told to make the most of my own life and not let this issue destroy my happiness. I wish you the best.
Oh bless you, I am actually sitting hear crying, I feel your pain because it sounds so much like my relationship. Like you I cope by burying my head in the sand but every now and then I am forced to face facts, and yes it hurts like hell, so much so I struggle to get by. I avoid making love because I struggle to arouse him and if I do manage to I can never ever make him ejaculate. My response was to build walls and to shut down, which helps no-one, but helps me cope a little better…sometimes. We can not compete with younger more beautiful women, that is true. But Rain you are beautiful and you are unique..there is only one of you and his problem, although it is also your problem, is NOT your fault! At the moment I am struggling big time, I can no longer sleep in the same bed as him, I would so love to be intimate with him but I am left feeling even more empty, hurt and confused afterwards that I will go to any lengths to avoid it. I don’t turn him on, I don’t make him hard so I avoid even trying. That is what porn addiction does, it destroys marriages, it destroys self esteem and I am left sitting here feeling worthless. I think maybe I’m rambling on now, but I can’t talk to anyone about this. I do love him, but I am sick and tired of being blamed and made to feel bad because it is my fault he does what he does because I don’t give him enough sex. Vicious circle. For all you out there going through the same thing, you are not alone not by a long shot, I feel for you and I wish you all the best x
Wow, I feel that you are writing my feelings and experiences. It has been almost 6 years of this crap. Him and his porn and me trying to catch him. Not a great relationship. The sad part is that I am still catching him. He doesn’t deny it anymore. He just wants to know where I found it so next time he can try to cover his tracks better. Do you ever have that problem? I can hardly have sex because all I keep thinking about is “who is he thinking about” Is it me or the Porn queen he was watching right before we have sex. I have no self esteem anymore. I went through this with my second husband. I can’t believe I am doing it again. The sad part is that I love him. I just wish he loved me enough to stop hurting me like that. He is all about respect but he has none for me. I feel where you are coming from and I hope one day they realize how much this changes us as wives and people. I am angry all the time now. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was the way I used to be. But this changes a person. Good luck! Keep your head held high and try to break through the waves.
Rain.Wow,um really I dunno where to start your story sounds like mine. I pretend and lie to myself alot trying to make it all disappear but it’ll flood right back to me. And to be honest I haven’t even caught him doing it in along time just because I’ve stopped checking I’m tired of that explosion inside of me and feeling of anger sadness. I’ve even got to the point I hate going anywhere anymore cuz I know he’s on the hunt to look at someone or atleast that’s how I feel. I have so much anger inside me it’s unreal I’ve never been what you say confidant in myself but I do not think I’m ugly but with his addiction it has made me sometimes hate myself and think bad things about me or our sex life. That’s another story I can be so ready and in the mood and then BAM the thoughts are in my mind. There is a reason I’m telling you all this it’s not to discourage you because even though I still have all this pain and suffering I pray everyday that God will heal him and myself and our marriage I take marriage very serious even though I’m young we have also been married 8 years and I do strongly believe God as put us women in these men life’s for a reason I believe not only to build is stronger in faith and life but to help our husband’s fight this sinful battle cuz all the research I’ve done they hate their addiction more then they probably realize or say. I know it maybe hard but pray and stay strong I will be praying for all that suffer with this problem and their spouse cuz people don’t realize what it does to the spouse. God bless and hope we all look back one dayand see change… I really understand and hope we all receive healing…
Rain, I completely understand everything you are going through as I am feeling the same things you are. The only difference is he does not have a prob with orgasms. I am on the verge of bringing my relationship to an end, not because I don’t love him. I love him with all my heart. That’s the problem I love him so much that it would be easier for me to just leave the relationship than to keep feeling my heart being broken consistently. I wonder why he even wants to be with me because I feel so disgusting. So much so that I feel bad that I am with him thinking maybe if I left him he would find someone that fits what he enjoys watching on the internet and maybe he would be fully satisfied. He says he thinks I am beautiful, pretty, attractive and all that but I watch the way he looks at attractive people and I see the difference in his demeanor. i watch his eyes as he follows them and looks them up and down. He does not look at me like that in the slightest. I feel his behavior and actions say more than what he tells me. i often tell him that I am gonna find someone that is his “type” because I want him to be truly happy. His response….”I don’t want anyone else, I just want you.” My thoughts….he sure doesn’t act like it. Just know you are not alone in how you feel. seems to be a growing trend with all of us.
Rain, I live your nightmare too. my husband has been fired from his job as a professor at a state university school of meicine for spending many hours each week watching porn. A 22 year career down tje drain jan 31 2014. he only orgasms when i give him a hand job because he admits he has for tje twelve yrs of our marriage thinking of porn imagesrwhile i provide friction to his penis. myle marriage has been a fraud. if I star to cry he accuses me of punishing him and thinks that the past ten weeks of mortification are all tje punishment he deserves. I cannot help but hate him for his deceit and now mental cruelty. I pray to find a job so do I can escape this fradulant marriage.
It’s 5 years i’m battling my boyfriend’s addiction. I myself am a very sexual person, playful and enjoy everything about it, It’s rare I refuse however, his addiction has made me feel self conscience, inadequate, undesired where I just want to hide myself. I feel he imagines someone else and one night he forgot to erase the history on the laptop, I came across live porn sites where that’s my cherry on the sunday! Enough!!! The sad thing is, is that I’m completely in love with him but it’s destroying me sexually. I feel like i’m just a release and he doesn’t want to look at me. We hardly kiss and we use to so often. I’m glad I found this blog because now I don’t feel alone in this…It’s hard to support! I
I hope you find more of what you are looking for here. Have you spoken to him much about your feelings?
I just learned of my husbands serious porn addiction while on our honeymoon. I find myself thinking and feeling all of the above. He has been porn free for 4 months now but we struggle in intimacy. I have never felt so low about myself. I saw red flags in dating such as little sex but he kept insisting he just didn’t want to base the relationship on this. I have always felt detached in the bedroom with him. I feel lost and just in shock most days. He gave up his smart phone and computer but he claims the images are still there and he struggles. I never knew how damaging porn was to the brain until reading all of this! Very sad!
Hello Still in Shock,
Have you been able to get help from anyone close you? You are catching this very early in your marriage, which is disheartening, I know, but it is also hopeful. Your husband seems at least somewhat willing to change, but if this is a deeply rooted habit in his life, he will need help. You both also still need to learn to relate to one another sexually in a meaningful way, and that, too, might take some help (counseling, etc.).
THERE IS HOPE!
I stumbled onto this article today while searching around online. My heart was breaking as I read all the comments about your suffering because of husbands or boyfriends porn addiction. I want to be a voice of encouragement for you that are in such great pain! You even helped me understand what I have put my wife through for many years of our marriage.
I WAS A SLAVE TO THE SIN OF PORNOGRAPHY FOR 25 YEARS!
From the age of 12-37 pornography was my master. I was a slave to sin. As many of your husbands and boyfriends are. And you can be sure of this, he was already a slave to it before he meet you.
SO YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE!
The only hope for him or her enslaved by pornography is placing your life in the hands of Jesus Christ. He nailed sin to the cross (Colossians 2:14) I was set free from the bondage and slavery to sin. Now my relationship with my wife is growing deeper and deeper constantly. We are at a place we both thought we could never attain.
BE A PRAYER WARRIOR FOR HIM! AND RECRUIT OTHERS!
And never give up (you can even survive adultery). My wife and I both committed adultery and God restored our marriage. We know why I committed adultery. And my wife because I was so self-centered! I pushed her away. Yes she is responsible for her actions too, but I understand my part in that as well. In that I met my own needs before the needs of my wife. Again, God has healed and restored our marriage to such a beautiful place. And he can help you restore yours as well.
The real issue is a spiritual one. One of “thirsting.” And the problem is we have tried to fill up that “spiritual thirst” with something physical. Only God can quench our spiritual thirst.
“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water”
Jeremiah 2:13
We men have “dug our own cisterns” of pornography, “broken cisterns” that cannot “hold water.” We think we will eventually be satisfied with pornography, but we can never fill our cisterns up because they are broken and unable to be filled. Only God, the “spring of living water” can satisfy the soul.
Erick Hurt
http://www.erickhurt.com
U described me completely Rain. U make me cry so much!!! I do exactly what u do and your husband behaves exactly like mine. These guys should go through what we are going through now in their next birth
Oh my, I am so sorry for everyone who writes. I am a wife of 37 years to a good man. We have 2 children and I have struggled so hard to make our life seem normal. I didn’t know what he was doing until we were in our 4th year of marriage. Our son, who was 4, was opening boxes that my husband had left in the foyer. I could not believe my eyes. Hundreds of “Playboy” magazines. I could not believe my eyes. I shook the whole day. I never said anything because I was shocked and ashamed that I had seen his stash. Years later I mentioned it to him and he said I was crazy and there were no magazines. As our lives continued I would see different magazines, tapes, and dvd’s. All hidden in car trunks, old suitcases etc. He has used porn almost daily. When I went back to work, he would come home and play porn tapes on the TV during the work day. Funny now, I never figured out why my soap opera recording was not recording in the day. I never dreamed he was coming home from work to play tapes of naked women. I felt so foolish when I found out and so ashamed. I became obsessed with knowing what he was watching. He had cataloged hundreds of tapes and later dvd’s. He gave each woman A’s. B’s and C’s grades of their looks and what they did. It became my secret little hell that I could not seem to talk with him about without feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Somehow he always turned everything around where I was at fault. He even masturbated by my side when he thought I was asleep. Never the less, we are now in our 37th year of marriage and he is still going on with porn. Our sex life is truly damaged. He can not perform with me anymore, he can’t even fake it anymore. His addiction has severely damaged whatever we had. I am 61 years old now and have nothing to look forward too in my marriage. So please if you are experiencing anything like this, get help. Please don’t let it ruin your life, I don’t believe a man like this will change or ever ask for help. He says he will change every time I have ever brought it up. When you look back at a marriage you want to think about the good parts and not have the bad parts over ride the good. Get help with a Dr. who is well informed with porn or leave. I still think about leaving him and perhaps I will.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced for so many, many years. I’m glad you found us here, and I hope what you read will be a support and encouragement to you. I wonder if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of different women, and how they handled the boundaries in their marriage around pornography. Some of those women chose to leave, to create that boundary. I think we tend to forget that porn is not just bad for the spouse–it’s bad for the addict as well. Of course, the addict gets the chemical high–but then, as your husband experiences, erectile dysfunction becomes an issue. It’s clearly not a healthy thing for him, either. I hope you’re getting support? I know it can be hard to talk about, believe me! But there are resources like Celebrate Recovery in many places, as well as counselors who can help support you. Let me know if those resources are helpful to you. Blessings, Kay
I am recently divorced from a p addict who has a $500 / month downloading addiction for the last 20 years. I am very concerned about my 16 yr. old boy and 13 yr old girl being alone with him in his new residence, as well as out of town with him. There is a clause in our child custody agreement about him keeping things hidden and out of site, but this is not enough to ease my worries. My lawyer says I don’t have any basis to warrant supervised/ no visitation and I am frantic and desparate because the agreeement says they can be with him at his home. This is an emergency — thanks.
I understand, Jackie. As a parent, that would worry me tremendously. How does he demonstrate to the courts that he is complying with the terms of the custody agreement?
I would really encourage you to keep an open dialogue with your children. Their father is not their only risk of exposure to this stuff. Get involved and start talking with them. If they both attend public school they have (fact) heard about sex by now and odds are your son has been exposed to pornography and your daughter soon will be (those are just the stats).
Remember, he is not your only ‘threat’ and it is possible that the devil could use him as a distraction to keep you from seeing where the real threat might be. If you open a dialogue with your kids, you will be able to better identify where that threat will come from. It will also help you know if your ex is, in fact, doing as he said he would. If he isn’t then you can act from there.
Is this really me? looking for help with this issue he has brought into our marriage? This is the 3rd time Ive busted him and I think Im done. We’ve done the counseling gig twice and a treatment program. And here we are again.
This time its not just one lie, its been day after day, week after week and i dont know this time how many months.
I made it clear when we married 8 years ago that i wanted no part of this in my life, in my house, in our marriage.
I have a new therapist as of yesterday, i have an appt w/ an atty tomorrow and I opened new bank accounts today. This time i look at him with disgust. I dont know who he is. I feel the whole relationship has been a scam. You say all the right things to my face, buy me nice things, help with the house and then you go downstairs and have sex with other women on the computer. You’re a phony, a fraud. Our sex life has wanned over the last 18-24 months and now i know why. You have cheated on me and broken the sacred marriage covenants. Im done and I beleive it to be the right thing to do b/c i dont have other choices. This is who he is, its not who I am.
One last thing though for all of you, that might give you a giggle. He wrote Dear Abby and asked her if looking at ‘nude beaches’ was different than porn b/c they are public beaches…. Really, he did and i read it in the paper the day it was published. She told him, that he has a porn addiction.
I have to say I have been with my boyfriend now since 2010 when we first got together everything was great we had no sex issues at all, we even had a conversation to where he told me he thought watching porn was another form of cheating. It took about 6 months for me to realize he had an issue with porn. He pushed me away a lot and straight up lied to my face time and time again. Finally in the past year he admitted he had a problem he has told me numerous amounts of times he was going to get help and never has he told me it is not as serious as I think it is ( but to me if it hurts me or our relationship it is serious) he says he doesn’t do it anymore but I know these are all lies. He has no desire to have sex with me when we do which is now 1 every few months most of the time he cant ejaculate and it is always blamed on something else. There is no intimacy anymore he doesn’t look at me when we have sex I feel like we had turned into roommates. He knows it hurts me but continues to lie and choose that garbage over me. I told him he brought the devil right into our house we have also moved in separate places but still no change. The denial his anger his lies his disrespect has really pushed me to where I cant be pushed anymore. I have come to the conclusion after almost 5 years that my feelings will never matter he will stay stuck in his selfish ways only worry about his self. Ladies its not fair for us to keep wasting our time for someone who only cares about them. I’m 32 years old I’m not getting any younger and all this wasted time I will never get back and I’m selling myself short. I deserve so much better. The sad thing is there are 2 kids involved in this equation that love him and look up to him as their father but they have no clue he chose to move and kick us to the curb for these fake women they will never have. It breaks my heart because I have put all this time and effort to try and help him and get him to open up but the truth is that will never happen. I’m going to cut all ties with him because my heart can’t take anymore and its sad the next woman he gets involved with will have to go through the same thing. Why do men get involved with us knowing they have a problem that is so wrong. I threatened leaving this man time and time again and always came back. This time I’m not going to look back ever again enough time wasted time to find a man that loves me complements me wants me accepts me and cares about how I feel. I’m so tired of feeling used.
Tracy, I’m so sorry to hear how your husband is treating you. When it comes to this stuff, men need to man up, admit fault, get help, and do everything they can to reassure the women they love.
When you talk to him about this and he says he isn’t looking at porn anymore, have you talked about why he thinks he’s having this incredibly low libido and ED? What are his excuses?
I tried talking to him many times. he says it’s not me, it’s a “man thing” I can tell the difference between normal to addiction and He is completely addicted!! Often he refuses me, not in the mood, hard to get up but he has completely relied on himself to please that I just can’t please him…. I don’t want to go through his things, I don’t want to feel that I can’t trust him, I don’t want porn to be an issue I just don’t want to feel rejected, undesired, insecure. I want to trust and believe him when he says that he loves me but it’s hard.
by the way — he came with this problem — i’ve stood by him and loved him for 23 years, but he grew up in an emotionally cold and loveless house with only the bare necessities to survive like food, clothes and shelter. The 15 years that I visited his parents, there was never any physical contact, no conversations about “How are you”, no offering of financial assistance for any reason whatsoever, if someone wasn’t able to afford the electric bill or food for the week — oh well. I believe that this is the reason why he is so emotionally detached and the reason is that he doesn’t know how to love and be loved in return.
I recently met a man an internet dating site, we have a nice chemistry sexually and emotionally and have been seeing each other for only about 4 weeks…however, he just told me he had an addiction to porn which he ended up spending time in jail for, after serving over seas in the armed forces. I ended our brief relationship, but now I am second guessing whether I shouldn’t still try and be his friend. I am feeling a little confused.
Hi Jane. At a distance I cannot tell you the best approach to this, but if you proceed with him, I would make sure (really sure) his past is in his past.
Flee from this certain future pson while you can. His only friendship will always be with fantasy. no real woman can exceed the self centered mans imagination. escape now with your self respect still in tact.
Hi Luke…thankyou for your thoughts :)
I am still undescisive about whether to pursue a friendship or not; I have chatted with a few of my girlfriends, and although I don’t want to continue a sexual relationship, I still wonder if I shouldn’t try and be friend. I wonder though if he will read more into the friendship than what I am trying to offer him. I have read some information about porn addiction and trying to understand it from a post traumatic point (he says he used it to help him cope with what he saw and did in Afganistan) he says he has curbed his porn addiction, watches what he drinks now, and is just trying to move forward with his life. At what point do people get given a second chance, or at least a chance of a friendship when I am sure he has been shunned by many. He never made me feel objectified, he never made me feel disrespected, I appreciated his honesty in telling me something that is a pretty big skeleton to have in your closet! My head says stay well away, my heart says be a friend. I am only 12mths out of a 13yr relationship, do I really need to carry someone else’s baggage??
I think I am still confused!!
Hi Jane,
The desire to be a friend should be tempered by a sober realization that your friendship will not help him get over his addiction. Showing support is, of course, commendable, but remember that not only would trying to carry his baggage frustrate you, it will ultimately not help him. In my personal experience, male-female friendships work well on paper, but in reality they can get messy the closer you get. That’s just my personal opinion.
Run and run away as fast as you can! Dont try to understand it..its not possible..please run for your own health!!!
I agree it’s tempting to just run for the hills–and often that’s a good idea! However, most women find that a pretty tough choice to make. I think this article gives some good guidance on making that decision, when it comes time.
Hi Luke…
Thankyou :) I have heeded everyone’s advice! I did initially make contact and tried to be a friend…this was never going to work for him or me. I have now realised my need for some me time, and could not be the friend he wanted me to be. He thanked me for the small journey we shared :)
Thankyou, love, light and healing to all those out there with an addiction and those around them x
Thanks for sharing, Jane.
This problem is killing my relationship, we are 3 years married, I am 47 and he is 55 I don’t consider us old, I foud he has the addition of maturbation and can’t stop, I need help,!!, I am a discrete girl but I can’t handle it anymore, I would like to get professional help before end my relationship. The worse part is he doesn’t admit and he accusing me to be jealous. I don’t trust him any more. He kiss me and hug me but no sex. It seems like he doesn’t any desire. I want to divorce , I think is just the way to fix this problem.
It sounds like your husband has a pretty common problem: pornography-induced erectile dysfunction, along with another very common problem: blaming other people instead of taking responsibility for himself.
You’ll need to decide what healthy boundaries look like for you in this situation. Let me link you to a couple of articles that talk about boundaries, here and here. You might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their stories.
You might also like to find a personal counselor to help you think through the reality of boundaries in your particular situation. And groups can be very helpful too: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, and xxxChurch all have good options.
While divorce is a very sad and difficult option, sometimes it is the best set of boundaries to have. If that does end up being the choice you make, you might appreciate a Divorce Care group which many churches offer.
Blessings, Kay
My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we are having a lot of fights and bad feelings about each other becaae of his obsession. I knew he liked porn when we met and I didn’t like it but I excepted it but as the years have gone by its like he doesn’t care how he makes me feel with it all. He has even said he has a problem and wants help but he makes excuses when it comes down to it. Its destroying my marriage and I don’t know what I can do anymore, I have compromised with him and its as though that’s not enough if I bring it up he says I’m just trying to cause a fight and them we either drop it or it blows way up I am sick of fighting and sick of pretending it doesn’t hurt me.
MY HEART IS BREAKING FOR RAIN. SHE COULD BE WRITTING THAT LETTER ABOUT ME. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 36 YEARS AND PORN HAS ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF HIS LIFE. I USED TO THINK –FINE –HE’LL GET HORNEY AND I’LL GET THE BENAFIT. WRONG. HE WAS FORXED TO RETIRE 3 YEARS AGO BECAUSE HE HAD AN ELBOW REPLACEMENT. SO AFTER 5 YEARS OF HAVEING A HARLEY AND PUTTING OVER 30,000 MILES A SUMMER SITTING BEHIND HIM AND JUST FEELING SO CONNECTED, EVERYTHING CRASHED. HAD TO GIVE UP THE BIKE BECAUSE OF THE ELBOW. BUT IT’S MORE LIKE HE’S GIVEN UP LIFE. IN THOSE 3 YEARS WEVE HAD SEX 3 TIMES BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY HE SNEAKS IN HIS DOSE OF POIRN AND HE GETS OFF ALONE AND PERFERS IT THAT WAY. AND HE HAS SEX WITH HIMSELF A HELL OF ALOT MORE THAN HE HAS WITH ME IN THE LAST 10 YEARS. BUT OH YEA, HE IS IN EVERHY OTHER ASPECT THE MAN OF MY DREAMS EVEN AFTER 36 YEARS. BUT UNLIKE MOST WOMEN I NEVER HAD A JOPB OUTSIDE THE HOME. DID A HELL OF A JOB RAISING 2 KIDS AND JUST REALLY FELT FULFILLED WITH MAKING A HOME AND RAISING A FAMILY SO I DON’T EVEN GET THE DISTRACTION OF HAVING A JOB TO GET AWAY FROM HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. AND HE HAS ALWAYS ENJOYED HIS AFTER WORK DRINKS. USED TO BE BEER. NOW IT’S A BOTTLE OF TEQULA EVERY DAY.I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM AND ONLY HIM SINCE I WAS 13 YEARS OLD. HE’S 6 YEARS OLDER. I LOOK BACK AT THE THINGS I HAVE PUT UP WITH BECAUSE I THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL. AN EXAMPLE OF WHAT AN IDIOT I WAS –I PUT UP WITH HIM COMING HOME FROM WORK AND HAVING HIM MAKE A FEW MIXRD DRINKS AS HE UNWOUND FROM WORK BY DRINKING AND WATCHING PORN. AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS OK? ALL GUYS WERE LIKE THIS. RIGHT? NOW INSTEAD OF DREAMING OF A FUTURE WITH HIM I’M THINKING EVERYDAY HOW CAN I MANAGE TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND 2 PARROTS AND A SHIH TZU ALONE. WOULD IT BE BETTER IF HE’D HAVE AN AFFARE WITH A LIVING CHICK? THEN THERE WOULD BE NO QUESTIONING OF KICKING HIM OUT. SO LIKE RAIN–TONIGHT I CRY AND TOMORROW I’LL PUT ON THE HAPPY FACE AGAIN. I CAN’T SAY IT’S ANY BETTR KNOWING THERE ARE OTHER WIVES IN THE SAME BOAT BUT IT DOES FEEL BETTER JUST HAVING A PLACE TO VENT. DOES ANYONE COME HERE OFTEN?
I feel very embarrassed just writing this comment, but I feel as if I’m at my wits end. My boyfriend (soon to be husband) has struggled with porn addiction for many years. It didn’t become apparent until roughly a year into the relationship when I became very frustrated with the lack of sex and discovered he was masturbating to porn daily. We brought everything out in the open and he agreed that it was unfair to me and that he would do better.
Several months later, it reared its ugly head again and while trying to still be understanding, I told him I could not stay with him unless he was willing to seek help to overcome it. He began seeing a councilor and things really changed for the better. We began having sex much more frequently and he had no trouble maintaining an erection (which was always a problem before).
In the past couple of months, the frequency of sex dipped once again and I just knew the porn issue had come back. He received a phone call on his cell a couple of days ago for me and after I ended the call, I saw the he had been watching porn on his phone. Even though I knew it had to be going on, I was so devastated to see this once again. I know that he loves me, and I love him dearly. He is very good to me in every other way, but he knows how much this hurts me and that a substandard sex life isn’t enough for me. I have a strong sex drive and it bothers me to no end that I can never initiate sex and that the few times we do has to always be when he’s in the mood and on his terms.
I feel like my trust in him is completely broken as he has gone back on his word so many times now. I’m really at a lost as to what I should do next. I can’t imagine life without him, but I refuse to commit myself to a sex-less marriage and to a man who cannot keep his word. I feel hurt, humiliated and disappointed that we are once again back to this issue.
What can we do differently to overcome this once and for all? I really feel like this is something that needs to be resolved for good before we get married.
Laura, re-read Jacki’s story above. See her comment that he “came with this problem”? Love is not enough. It does not conquer all. You will most likely not heed my advice but I’ll say it anyway. First, get a pre-nup and a polygraph, where he will give you a full clinical disclosure of all his past and current sexual behavior. Do this through a counselor who is experienced in using polygraphs for sexual addictions. Don’t try to do it alone by going straight to the polygraph examiner! As I have said before, we underestimate the power of this addiction. It usually takes hitting rock bottom, just like any other addiction, for a man to stop this behavior, and even then it sometimes isn’t enough, like Jacki’s husband losing his wife. Would you tell a woman whose boyfriend beat her to go ahead and marry him, even if he had a bad childhood, even if he went to a few counseling sessions to deal with his anger? No, not because he is evil, but because she would be signing up for a life of misery. The damage you will suffer from this addiction will be even worse. Addictions don’t go away with some counseling and maybe attending a few 12 step meetings. Willpower only lasts so long before the behavior comes back. I am not saying that recovery is not possible, but if you marry him with knowledge of the problem beforehand he will feel safe in the knowledge that you will never leave. Before considering marriage find out the following: Is he willing to make recovery a lifestyle for the rest of his life? Is he willing to have accountability partners the rest of his life that he keeps in constant contact with? Is he willing to let you put filters on all computers and electronic devices and leave them there the rest of your life? Would he be willing to take yearly polygraph tests? Is he willing to see a counselor for as long as it takes to work through all his issues? Does he agree to these things with no complaining, no push back? If so, then maybe there is hope. Still no guarantee. Wait at least a year to see if he follows through on all these things, consistently. Then have him take a follow up polygraph to verify he has really stopped the behaviors. Some say that polygraphs are no way to build trust. Chemical addictions have urine and blood tests. This is the equivalent. Polygraphs are the ONLY way to rebuild trust. Are you willing to accept that this problem NEVER goes away. Even if he is in recovery, once he stops active recovery (support groups and using tools he has learned to remain sexually pure) the behavior will eventually return. The Game Plan by Joe Dallas is a great book for both of you to read, if you choose to stick it out.
Hi, I just read what you posted and I felt I needed to respond..I grabbed my husbands phone on 2 different occasions and he had porn on it.when I confront him he either says he doesn’t know how it got there or he set me up. Im not stupid and hate being lied to!! We seem to only have sex when “he’s” in the mood but god forbid I’m I the mood and he’s too tired..so yea our sex life/intimacy has changed big time! I have a strong sex drive which he knows and when we got together he did too. If I try talking to him about sex he gets upset and defensive etc etc..I still love him but don’t know what to do cause when he’s using his phone and I enter the room he clicks out of whatever he’s viewing right away but tells me I’m crazy thinking up stuff and to stop accusing him of looking at something and that he doesn’t do anything wrong!! Don’t know what to do…
It sounds like your husband is about to be “found out” in a way that he can’t hide. It is really only a matter of time.
I might start by saying something like this, “I know you don’t want me nagging you about whether you look at porn or not, and I think we should be able to move past this. Obviously I’ve found things that make me suspect you are looking at porn, and if you aren’t, I’m thrilled. Here’s what I’d like to do. At any time you’re on the computer or your phone in the next 3 months, I want to be able to ask you for it and see what you’ve been looking at. You tell me you have nothing to hide, and that’s great. But this will really help me build my trust of you.”
If he has resistance, you could always ask him why. Tell him you just want to have a marriage without secrets, that couples maintain these kind of transparent relationships all the time.
In fact, we have men who use our Accountability Software and have Internet-use reports sent to their wives every week, just as a gesture that their lives are open books. Many women love this kind of openness and transparency. Tell him that you want that kind of marriage.
This might be a good first step towards unraveling this puzzle. Obviously more is needed to improve your sex life, but knowing about your husband’s use of porn will be a good place for you to start.
I just threw my husband of 20 years out for this and we will not be together again until he gets help, this time I totally went berserk busting up his little dvr and porn tapes, I love this man, but he is 65 and hasn’t given it up and it has been in our relationship and marriage forever!!!
Perhaps a little “berserk” is what he needed to see. I’m not condoning your rage, but I think more men need to know what they stand to lose. Sixty-five years is a long time to have a porn habit, but he needs to know that you have set some clear boundaries for him.
What he needs to do not is regain your trust, and that is going to take some very hard work on his part. He needs to know from you what regaining your trust looks like. What would he need to show you that would help you to know he was changing?
Hi, Laura. Just found this site.. Your story is almost identical to mine..did you marry him?
Do not marry this person – please – I would separate now and see what life brings to you – even if you give him another year to sort it out – the problem with this is that I he has to HATE the pornography
enough to begin to get healing- I rarely see this – wife of porn addict , married 27 years, a Christian , thousands spent on ministry.
I don’t know if you’ve seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s four women, telling their stories. I like the fact that they all handle their boundaries in different ways, and yet they all have boundaries–that’s so important, I think. These days you’ll hardly find anyone who doesn’t have significant porn exposure, but I think there’s a wide range of responses from men, in terms of willingness to be responsible and work on their issues for themselves in response to good boundaries.
i so dcan identify with all these women. you hit home as if i wrote it myself. i have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. the first year we had sex a lot. after 9 months i started complaining its all about him. he ejaclates very quickly. i knew he always watch porn. it has destroyed our sex life completely. i have to fight plead and beg for sex. and when i do get it im not satisfied its over before its starts. there is never any foreply for me. then its over. he blames it all on me. we not getting along, etc. he talks as if we have to be perfect in order to have sex. anytime i bring up my feeling he gets so angry. i know he knows how i feel but dont change nothing. i have even threatned with him with ill have an affair. nothing works. he now admits he has a porn problem. starting looking into it. i love him but i want to leave him everyday. its been years of feeling betrayed, neglected. not wanted, not attractive enough. i know in my head its all his stuff but i dont think i really believe. i have so many restenments. im angry most of the time. i dont know what to do anymore. it is destroying me. im glad im not alone with you ladies
Hey there. I’m glad you’re finding some community and support here! Your boyfriend’s addiction is definitely his issue to deal with, and I hope that he does take the steps to recovery. Here’s an article I wrote a while back that might help you think about what that might look like. I’m not surprised you feel so angry and resentful, in a situation where your boundaries are being violated constantly. While it’s tempting to threaten and manipulate him into doing what you want, obviously it doesn’t work! I think you’re going to have to decide what’s healthy for you, what boundaries you need in place, and then make some healthy choices. We actually have another free download that might help you as you think through that; Hope After Porn. Even if you do break up with your current boyfriend, the issue of pornography is just so prevalent today. You’re going to have to think it all through and decide what’s healthy for you, regardless of who you’re with. I wish it weren’t like this, but it is! Let me know what you think of those resources, and let me know how else we can help. Blessings, Kay
Hi, I totally understand. My partner of two years said it was his medication that he could not sustain an erection. Well, he could with oral or hand jobs but not with penetration. I caught him once on porn and he said he would stop. Sex didn’t improve. I looked at his history and was sickened to see all the sites were rape, humiliation etc. I feel so sick. I am twenty years younger than him and never had a problem before. I feel ugly etc. He used to comment on my weight daily. When I confronted him he said it was medication so he used porn to get hard…. I can’t see a way forward.. Please advise
Hey Lisa, well, this is so sad. Unfortunately, a huge portion of the most-viewed porn today is exactly as you describe: abusive to women. Watching those acts does have a physical affect over time, as your partner experiences with his ED.
And research also shows that long-term porn viewing produces a sense of destructive entitlement where men begin to feel that they deserve to have everything perfectly the way they like it–the comments on weight and appearance are a very common manifestation of that entitlement.
I’m sorry to say that unless he stops, this won’t get better. If he continues to choose porn, this is what his sexual life is going to be like.
You have some tough decisions to make about whether this is the kind of relationship you want to be a part of. I would suggest Boundaries in Marriage as a good place to start reading and thinking about what you’d like your life to be like.
Let me know what you think–Kay
Literally going through the same thing as almost all of you. It literally kills my, he even watches it at work which really pisses me off. The stupid thing is we have been dating for 3 years and I could easily walk away and I desperately want to, but I have no family and no real friends. I love him but I’m starting to think it’s more hate than love. Why do men suck so badly??? How is this even an issue, you think they’d be able to control themselves but nope, all porn addicts.
Hi Em. It’s true that porn is a huge problem in our culture these days. I think it’s requiring a whole new skill set for women to deal with in dating and marriage relationships. As much as your boyfriend may be using porn, it sounds like you are also using the relationship. The relationship is not in a good place, and yet you cling to it, to guard against loneliness. He’s using porn, you’re using the relationship. I think the solution to this would be for each of you to look at what’s driving the need to use. What is that your boyfriend wants/needs that porn supplies? What is it that you want/need that the relationship supplies? Then instead of meeting those needs by using (porn or the relationship), look for healthy ways to meet those needs. You’re lonely, without family or friends. Of course you are. Healthy relationships would be a great thing for you to pursue. Support groups like Celebrate Recovery are a great place to form healthy friendships. Personal counseling can be a great step toward healthy relationships, too. Of course you need relationships. Of course you need support. You just need those things from healthy sources. Blessings, Kay
I just found out my fiance and father of my child has been watching porn a few times a DAY. This alone came as a shock to me since he ALWAYS denied watching it. Then i found out he took it a step further & went on craigslist & tried MEETI G people. He contacted over 160 people alg with posted his own things (telling girls what he liked and even wemt as far as saying they could come over!) He still says he never met anyone or did anything physical, but how can i believe that? He says that because he watched porn so much this is what it led to. Im absolutely heartbroken and devastated, how can you say you love someone & then do this to them?
How heartbreaking! I strongly encourage you to find counseling, both to help him break free from his addiction and to help you heal from this betrayal. (I believe Dr. Doug Weiss offers free half-hour phone counseling sessions as a place to start.)
If you haven’t already, you should download Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives for practical tips on what to do next. You should also read Hope After Porn, which contains the stories of four wives in your situation.
To confused …After 11 years of marriage, I have just gone through the same thing, I cant trust him anymore and dont think I ever will ! He also sent messages on craigslist, but denies meeting them. I dont believe him because the messages suggested meeting. I am so confused, sad, heartbroken, lost – I dont know what to do.
Hi Heartbroken,
You are right to distrust your husband. He’s shown intent to cheat on you. He need to regain your trust. Trust is something that can be lost and re-earned, but it cannot just be blindly given.
Have you talk to him about stopping the use of Craigslist and other sites like that?
Hi Luke,
It has been 2 weeks since I found out and he is trying EVERYTHING to make our marriage work. He is embarrassed about what he has done and asked me to give him a chance. He has not gone onto Craigslist since and is really trying hard to make me happy even leaves his phone on the table when he gets home and started reading books again. We have had some good chats about it and he understands how I feel. I think its going to take allot of time to trust him EVER again, but he is willing to listen and doesn’t get offensive when I tell him my fears – which are all day everyday ! I told him that the main reason for staying and giving him a chance is my children, they don’t deserve to be put through a divorce because of his addiction. I am happy to say he has stopped (touch wood) so far… time will tell.
i have been looking for some advice for quiet sometime now…my boyfriend and i have been together for sometime now and he admitted to me that he has an addiction to porn after I found dating sites on my computer. Apparently he has been addicted to porn since he was a boy and now at 21 it has carried into our relationship. He looked at it for some time, going on dating websites, asking girls for their number or their skype to send pictures back and forth. He said that he never let anyone see his privates which i somewhat believed because when i first found out about it, he had a picture of some other male priviates in the photo album. The first time I caught him we put covenant eyes on both of our computers which helped for a little bit then the second time I caught him we went to seek some professional help. Now that I caught him this time he doesn’t want to receive help since he says he has looking at porn less and less but lies about it when I ask him if he does look at it. He says that he will tell me but I have to try to be supportive and understanding. He even gave me his ipod so he wouldn’t be tempted but I kind of just threw it back at him. I’m not sure what to do, I just keep crying and thinking that I’m not good enough for him. We both have planned on getting married and having our life together but I dont know if its even worth it anymore. I do love him and want to help him but i just dont know how.
I have been married to my husband for over 25 years now. He started looking at porn as a little boy. About 10 years ago I found porn on our computer. Then I came home unexpectedly during church, he was home. The camera was at the front of the desk pointed down. I asked if he was doing things on sex sites in front of the camera. He was angry (for getting caught) and said for me to stop accusing him. I asked him, I didn’t accuse. Still he is spending alot of time at work on his laptop while sitting in his truck for seven hours. He can’t masterbate because people come to his truck frequently. I know he chats with people, looks at craigslist, and I believe he is meeting up with people. I am so hurt because of his lying and cheating. I would pack and leave to go 1400 miles home but our youngest of four children is only ten and she loves her daddy so much. He is so wonderful to me and we have sex daily, sometimes more. We went through a time when we only had sex once a week then I found out about an affair. He completely denied and said she was a friend like a little sister (10 years younger). Hiding her phone number in his phone under a man’s name. ( I called her phone at midnight when she was in bed with her husband. I blocked my number when I called. I angrily said, “Stay the HXXX away from him.” Then I hung up. Things started falling apart after that between my husband and her. I was hurt and angry but knew I hadn’t paid him enough attention and we had disconnected. I chose to stay and be a better wife. He is still doing the porn, dating sites, chats, etc and denies and lies about all of it. If I’m being sexier, having sex daily with him, why does he need or want other women. I don’t understand. If you aren’t married, I know you care about him, but care about yourself. Don’t put up with it for 25 years and become an emotional cripple. The “happy face” gets more difficult to put on every day.
I have been hearing more and more stories like this lately, of engaged couples struggling with this issue. I am considering adding a new 3 day intensive to the ones we already do with married couples, specifically for engaged couples. For those who qualify, and their would be stringent qualification requirements, a couple could start their lives together with a foundation of truth (disclosure with polygraph would be included) as well as tools for building a healthy marriage where one partner is a recovering porn/sex addict. I’d love some feedback on this. You can read more about the intensive we offer now at http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com
I wish you would. My wedding date is set for next summer, to a man I’ve been with for 7 years. I don’t know if I can go through with it now. This is a man I thought was God’s gift to me after an abusive, alcoholic 15 year marriage. Imagine my surprise when I grabbed his iPad to do something and found he’s been answering classifieds, posting pictures of him ejaculating in various places in our home, when he has been unable to have sex with me for over 6 months. He claimed it was stress – and he was under a bunch of it…so I believed him. He says he has not met these women but there are conversations and personal pornographic photos shared between them. He says he didn’t cheat on me. Really? Then why look for a woman to share that with locally? An affair would almost be better! I could compete with 1 woman, I cannot compete with EVERY woman!! I am so hurt. When I found out I left open a picture he posted, of himself masterbating and ejaculating in MY bathroom, open on his iPad, with my engagement ring on it, and I left the house. I came home and he had left, taken his 2 porn computers/iPad and left my engagement ring. Priorities right? He didn’t contact me for 5 hours and even then not to apologize or explain. He basically said he had a problem and would be in contact with a counselor on Monday so what did I want for the next 2 days. Really? Like making a counseling appointment makes it all ok and you can just come back Mon like nothing is wrong???!!! Like not being physically able to even have sex with me for 6 months is ok when he’s masterbating to and for these women online DURING THE SAME TIME FRAME? I’m supposed to ever trust him? I can’t even trust him to even go to the BATHROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I feel….defiled, unloved, unwanted. We used to have an active sex life so I never thought masterbating or porn was an issue. Clearly I was so wrong! As I read these comments, I see the same despair I feel. I see the same lack of the men acknowledging how it affects the wives/girlfriends. I see “recovered” addicts who are still having huge issues 3 years later, relapsing, not having sex with the wives. And I can only wonder…not just why but what, what am I supposed to do. I don’t want to have to filter and keystroke log spyware on all his devices. He’s tech support for his work and on call 24 hrs so I can’t make him shut off his phone, and I can’t take away his porn access (other than filters but that does that restrict these classified personal ads). Clearly there is something wrong with me – to get 2 addicts in a row. I tried for a long time to “help” my ex-husband manage his alcoholism and porn issues. I don’t know that I can go through that again. I understand the compartmentalization part of a man’s brain but that doesn’t make it feel any less like a lie to me. I cannot accept that the man who takes me places, pretends to show me off, wants to hold my hand, and tells me I am beautiful not only can’t have sex with me, but IS HAVING SEX WITH HIMSELF AND THESE WOMEN REGULARLY via sexting, chat rooms, various porn sites – and worse to me, sharing his own personal photos in the home we share, which I saw in the background. I have gone between extreme anger and extreme despair. The little contact we’ve had, via text because he isn’t even man enough to call me or come talk to me, he seems focused on himself, his shame, admitting he has a problem. But he says it is not cheating and seems to be oblivious to my pain. I bet if I asked him if it was ok then for me to post naked pictures of me masterbating and coming to orgasm, from our bed, from our bathroom, if that would be ok – because it isn’t cheating right? I bet that answer would not mesh with what he’s telling me. I am ready to pull the venue deposit. I don’t want him to touch me. I can’t imagine ever seeing him naked without picturing those photos he took for other women when he couldn’t sleep with me. I had a panic attack and felt like I was dying when I found the pictures. I was gasping for air, my heart rate tripled in the second it took the image to load. How can I ever look at him naked and not see that? How can I ever have sex with him and not wonder who/what he’ thinking about. So while I think it is great he’s admitting he has a problem – he’s not admitting how it affects me. And even if he does acknowledge my pain…will it ever be enough? I haven’t read one positive review of post treatment. No one has said, hey he went through treatment and life is grand now, he’s fixed, his brain is rewired back the right way and I feel loved and value. Anyone have that? Because short of that….I don’t think I can do this. I am dying inside, and falling apart outside. Suggestions, comments? Thanks.
Hello Distantone,
What your boyfriend is doing to you is terrible…inexcusable. Don’t let the lie creep in that this is somehow you fault. You were not the one chatting with women online. He was. You were not the one masturbating to porn. He was.
I wrote an article a couple weeks ago about how a husband can really regain his wife’s trust, and sadly, you are right, I get a lot of comments from women about how that is exactly what they need, but not a lot of comments from men. I think there are a lot of men out there who are simply unwilling to do the hard work of changing. Porn has emasculated them, and they are blind to what it is costing them.
Is it cheating? Yes. As much as any form of lust is cheating—and more so because for your boyfriend has made it into a habit and has involved many women.
Will your boyfriend see it that way? Perhaps not. But regardless of the label he puts on it, he needs to come to the realization that you see it as cheating. Would he want you chatting with men online, showing off intimate parts of your body while you masturbated for them? Would he want you chatting sexually with men online and then being so sexually tapped you couldn’t offer him any affection? No. Call that what you want, but to any sane person that sounds like cheating.
Both of you have a fair amount of work to do, if you plan on sticking it out with him. Read that article I linked to and see if it brings some clarity about what he needs to do. He obviously has a serious problem that he needs to address and you need to ask if you are willing to walk that road with him.
I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I highly recommend you download this free book. It may help you understand him and your own heart at this time.
So he read this article, he followed links on his own and offered to do the filters and accountability and go through the steps to regain trust. He seemed off…he was saying he was sorry but his demeanor was anger, he wasn’t sad, he was mad he got caught – but was saying all the right things. So I told him I needed the full truth if I was going to move forward. I asked him directly if he had ever met any of the women or had sex with anyone. “No. No. No.” for 2 hours. So I told him to be able to trust him I had to see his posts, what he was telling these women. There were dozens of websites with his profile “actively seeking play partner” and the photos I had already seen. There was a post about him wanting to be with someone, but not that he had met her. Something still didn’t sit right and I asked again about physical cheating…”No. No.” I think, if at that moment he would have not been defensive and angry but had been crying with me and holding me, apologizing and explaining not what he’s going to have to do about the his part of the problem but how he was going to work on US & the problem, I would have been able to move forward. I was ready too move forward even without that….until the next click. I found not only has he been meeting women but he’s been setting up appointments from out of town to meet women in hotels, taking them my wine and other gifts, and some of the women have been prostitutes. Just seconds after asking him to fully come clean and tell me what else he had been lying about I found 2 posts with clear evidence he had met them, and clear evidence he had already slept with them. This apparently has been going on for over a year. He wasn’t sad, he didn’t even apologize! He defended, “It was just once and it was over a year ago!” My heart is shattered into thousands of tiny pieces I don’t know if it will ever be fixed. I love him so much and thought we had such a good relationship, even sexually. I lost my best friend, my companion, my lover, my supporter and encouragement – the only person who knew the whole real me and loved me anyway. Needless to say, the wedding is off. I could not continue to look because I know there was more. I know there are videos of either him alone or him and one of the women. I know there are sites, like the upload your own porn video site, that he tried to get me to avoid checking by saying he just looked there and didn’t say or do anything. So I KNOW there is more. I could forgive once, I could probably forgive more if he had told the truth and was actually sorry about the pain he caused me, instead of just being sorry he got caught. Because I know it will happen again, we are over. It’s killing me. We did everything together and our memories surround me. But I can’t take this journey with him if he can’t even admit the truth of what he’s doing, it will cost me more pain in the end. I appreciate the comments and article here, they do help. I know mentally it is not me or my fault – I just have to internalize that. It doesn’t matter that I was available and am not a prude but would do, and have done the things he wants with him – FREE AND I LOVED HIM, but he chose to be with them or himself instead to the point where he can’t even maintain an erection with me. That is not my fault. That is a consequence of his choices. I know that in my head. Once it reaches my heart and I quit feeling stupid, worthless, and unlovable – it will get better, but I have the head knowledge from here. Thank you to everyone who posts. And I hope that things are actually working out right for someone, some family.
I am considering using the web tracking program because I have caught him so many times he has gotten really good at covering his tracks. I wonder though…. if I get it, can he see it? It won’t work if he knows its there because he will just use a different device. It’s been 9 years of this hell and he is on his last chance. I have laid it all out there and have told him what the plan will be if I catch him lying to me one more time.
Covenant Eyes really isn’t built as a “spying” program, but as a means for chosen accountability. If you install it, it would be visible to him.
I used to have a desire for romanctic sex with my husband but menopause affected me so strongly that after a while sex became so painful that it was not possible for us to connect any more. I eventually sought my doctor’s help & found there were some solutions to aid the aging female body. During this time my husband was not having any sex and we just slipped away intimately from one another. He got heavy and did not care how he looked. The last time we tried to have sex was 1 1/2 yrs ago. In this interim I started enjoying masturbation for myself and found it to be a good release for my sexual feelings. Little did I know what my husband was up to and today I just found out that he has been into porn while away on business. He pays cash for the in house movies so I wont see the invoice but one hotel sent us an email version of the invoice. Obviously I can understand how he felt his needs were not being met but he doesn’t even bother to cuddle or share any intimacy with me. He always gave me excuses about his anti-depressant meds side effects killing his sex drive too. Now, I feel somewhat disgusted by his actions as it seems men need a visual stimuli and then have no interest in having a real intimate relationship with their wife lying beside them. Is our marriage headed for disaster even further?
Hi Everyone,
You’re not alone, my friend. Many men are facing the same struggle as you. The reason so many men are never able to get set free from this bondage is because they don’t know the weapons to defeat the enemy. Instead, they think if they try harder they’ll break the addiction. But, trying harder doesn’t work. Failure after trying harder only leads to more shame, which leads to more viewing of porn.
Reading your bible more, praying more or loving God more isn’t going to fix it. Don’t misunderstand what I’m getting to. Prayer and reading your Bible are important. You have to understand the root of addiction and how to cut this spiritual noose that hell has around your soul. Men involved in this sin often describe themselves as victims rather than voluntary participants in sinful behavior. They want to be freed from pornography, but expect God or someone else to do the hard work. They pray and then blame God for not removing the problem. What started off as a moral problem, quickly becomes a brain problem. The physical composition of the brain actually changes through the viewing of porn. This sheds scientific fact to a biblical truth:
“Every sin that a man does is outside the body, he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.” 1 Corin. 6:18.
Sexual sin and the viewing of pornography is against your own body, particularly your brain. There must be a “renewal of the mind,” just as scripture tells us. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit can we begin a renewal of our mind. You have to recognize you didn’t get into this problem overnight and can’t expect an immediate fix. That would be immature thinking. Typically, it takes men 2-5 years to break an addiction to porn. This requires a miracle every single day. It requires having the knowledge of your addiction, the bondage root, denial structures, among other things. There are major steps you need to take, which I could not explain in a single post. I highly recommend you get a DVD teaching series for men on this subject, called the Conquer Series. It will change your life and equip you to break the addiction. You have to admit that what you’re doing is not working for you. The guy who hosts the video has 30+ years experience in helping men get set free. There’s nothing else out there that lays out such clear steps you can take to break this addiction. You can order it from the website: http://www.conquerseries.com
Here’s an excerpt from the Conquer Series that explains the root or “noose” of addiction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jVxpHCIgKE You must understand a spiritual war is taking place. Satan wants you to remain in bondage. God wants to see you healed. He loves you.
Best regards!
i have been married for 14 months. i didnt know my husband was a porn addict til after we got married because my sister had to clean her computer. then when i moved in with him noticed my computer started to slow down a lot. well come to find out it was porn slowing my computer. i confronted him bout it and he said he wasnt going to do it anymore. that same day he looked up more porn. i finally left the subject alone. he spends most of his time on facebook talking bout football or looking up girls, or looking up pornhub, or playing xbox. we had twin babies and i thought he would change but No. he works while i stay at home with babies. he is off 3 days of the week and still only get sex maybe once a week, sometime i go a whole month. when we do have sex its only like for 5 til 10 min and hes done. then he goes to bathroom and looks up porn. i look at myself as a booty call for my own husband. it hurts so bad cuZ i feel like im not doing a good job, like im too fat, i just dont have to body he would like me to have. everytime he does this to me it feels like he just stomped all over my heart. i dont know what else to. i dont want to spend the rest of my life miserable.
Juanita, most wives in similar situations feel the way you do. It is common to think if you were more attractive, thinner or different in some other way then you would be enough for your husband. That just simply isn’t how it works. Pornography pollutes the brain, causing significant damage. Men often begin to prefer porn and masturbation to being with a real woman, no matter what she looks like. The other traits you mention about your husband, such as constantly distracting himself, are very fitting with the personality of a sexual addict. Over half of sex addicts, in my professional experience, stop desiring sex with their wives. There are numerous reasons for this, but some of them are that with porn, and sometimes other behaviors with strangers, they don’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but themselves, they don’t have to worry about intimacy (which is often very uncomfortable for sex addicts), and they can have constant variety…something porn causes them to become accustomed to. No woman can compete with hundreds of images in just a few minutes. Men who get professional help for their addiction and follow certain guidelines for recovery, find that intimate sex with their wife is more satisfying than anything they have done on the past. But those who don’t get help only get worse, as this addiction, like all addictions, is progressive. Yes, if nothing is done I’d venture to say that you will “spend the rest of your life miserable”, unless you are able to emotionally detach from your husband, which few women are able to do for the long term. You must set boundaries that this is not okay and he must get professional help. If he refuses then unfortunately he will never stop permanently unless you separate from him. Even that may not work, but it could be your only chance. Hopefully, if you make it clear to him that you will leave if he doesn’t stop (don’t make this threat if you don’t intend to follow through) that will be enough motivation for him to get help. From what I have seen, most men don’t get help until there is a very real threat of a significant loss or an actual loss.
I’m going through the same thing. My boyfriend always watched porn but it got much much worse once I became pregnant. My son is now 5 mths old and its still pretty bad. I mean its to the point where he would go in bathroom and jerk off to a victoria secret flyer! He watches porn on his phone on his ps3. I work everyday and he stays home jerking off! I’ve told him this hurts I feel betrayed espacially when I found out he was watching live porn. One night we tryed to have sex he was giving me oral sex and I wanted to return the favor well he wasn’t even a lil hard. My heartbroke and I felt nauseuos! He got mad and told me I’m the crazy one. I cried myself to sleep in a dif. Room. But even me being so upset and sobbing crying he still went and jerked off! I felt like crap.finally he told me he would stop with the porn and he’d try not to jerk off 3 times a day. I tryed to believe him. But I knew he was still doing it I can tell by the way we have sex. I used to make him wanna cum in 5 min now it take an hr and mostly its because he plays with himself either during oral or even when he’s inside me. Or hell stop and jerk himself off on me. I love him and he does so much right but I think this is going to ruin us. I feel so undesired and not good enough. Why does he keep doing this even though it hurts me so badly? He lies and sneaks and then tells me I’m the one with the problem. Now we are arguing agvain because I found a pair of boxer shoved between out matress and boxspring and guess what…. they were full of cum. I guess he’s been using them to clean himself up and then hiding them. And of course I bring it up and he says that was from after we had sex. Its getting to the point where I don’t even want to have sex anymore. I either feel like he’s doing it so we don’t argue or when we are in the act I’m constantly wondering if I’m pleasing him. Wich I don’t think I am I think only his hand and other women can do that now! I need help I can’t talk to anyone about this and I don’t know if we will ever be able to stay together like this. He’s 32 and I’m 27 I feel like a selfis ass if I leave him because then I’m breaking our family up. But at the same time how can I just accept this and have a sexless relationship.? He does initate sex every night but like I said I think its mostly because he doesn’t wanna fight. He’s also starting to talk and treat me like I’m a porn star. And I like it a lil bit but then my thoughts go to… he’s fantasing about porn am I even in bed with him or does he see all of the women he jerks off to???? Plz help!
After reading the blogs Im saddened and relieved Im not alone. Ive been married 38 yrs this September. It doesnt get better it only gets worse. For me hes not just into porn he breathes it. I have recently found bondage devices; ball straps, cock rings, vibrating butt plug and a tems unit. Hes watching it all free time and on his phone. We havent been together for.about 10 months. He is in his early 60’s and 6 yrs older than me. He gets multiple prescriptions filled of the various e/d mefs he even lied about taking a 1/2 day off from work to go to a Dr. Office advertized on radio that for approximately. $400.00 they promised miracles. Which is injecting a shot in penis to get it hard. I found out one time he used injection and took 2 pills. At that point I had wished he damaged himself for gpod.I spend most of my home time now alone in what was our bedroom while he is at his computer that he moved frpm livingroom to spare bedroom. He also resently signed up for a paypal debit card, any dope knows that cleans away the paper trail. We are suppose to jointly retire and move near a married child but Im more contemplating divorce at that time . I feel all trust is gone and I wont live in a new home just to be ignored again. But when it gets closrr to that time I do plan on asking what he feels is his vision of our retirement. If it includes PORN ,Im out.
Thanks for listening.
Mary
I have been married since 1984,I met hubby when he was stationed in England & i moved to the States in ’85(not really wanting to leave my country).
In Jan i used my husbands laptop & he forgot to close out his Identity safe & had not cleared his history in months.I started typing & a live webcam site showed up,so i clicked it :( He had been on this site everyday,i confronted him about it & he said he had already decided to quit going on it anymore. I found out he had been going on redtube 2x week(if not more) also redtubelive. I snuck in his email & saw he had signed up for these 3 sites in 2010.
He swore he had never spent any money & finally said he spent around $10.00.When i told him 3 years??? he replied he did not realize it had been that long.
Yesterday after pretending to be him,i got a reply from the lovesexxxy site that he joined in 2007 & spent $160.00
We cannot have sex,he goes immediately limp if he tries actual sex :( which of course makes me feel totally ugly,useless & the list goes on.
In the 7 years he has been on those sites(me unknowing) i cannot remember having sex at all :(
I told him he had an addiction & finally agreed to see a therapist.
I’m alternating between being mad,thoroughly depressed,wanting a divorce etc etc.
Yesterday i told him he had some nerve having fun for 6 years(if not more) while i was miserable,& how he has ruined years of my life & how he knew i wanted to go back home & had i known all this back then,i would have gone home & had somewhat of a chance at a new life.
I truly do not know what to do :(
:( How could your husband have sex with you one day then look at porn the next day?????? It hurts!!!!! Makes me feel like Im not goot enough for him anymore. H e is even looking at other women now. Well thats another story!!!!
I’m a husband who got caught with porn on our pc over a year ago and tried not to back since it was embarrsing, but eventually we went back to normal i was’nt doing it everyday just about 10 times or less in our 41/2 marriage at that time. Now, lately we’ve been having sex about once maybe twice and i’ve been lusting at women more and more, now i’m dipping and dabbing into porn. I don’t how to confess this to her, so by God’s grace i’m gonna stop or tell or both not sure. I need the LORD’s help.
Being open and honest would be less hurtful than lying about it. I have been on the receiving end of this situation and the lying is just as hurtful. I’m not saying she won’t still be angry but it will hurt less if you are honest rather than waiting to get caught.
I wish I had time to respond to every one of these stories. My heart breaks when I read each on of you share your struggles and your pain. I have addressed just about every one of the issues mentioned in these commments in this blog or other articles I have written. Please visit my website where I have a list of articles I have written about being the wife of a sex addict. http://www.comfortchristiancounseling.com/partners_of_sex_addicts/articles
I am 25, my husband is 24. We have two kids
I have been married for 10 months. My husband recently confessed that he had viewed porn 4 times in the past 4 months. Before we were married he told me he had looked at porn before and was remorseful. We told the pastor who we were doing pretty marital counseling. He prayed for us and because he prayed assured me my husband would never view it again. Well obviously that wasn’t true. I am devastated. I don’t know how to trust my husband or what to do. He signed up for a program that let’s me view all his websites but what else can we do? He does not want to go to a counselor or tell anyone at church because he works there…
4 times in 4 months? Try 4 times within the day :(
I will be married for 10 years this month and have been dealing with my husband watching porn. When we met I asked him If he liked porn and he told me no. Boy was that a lie. It took almost a year for me to realize how much he loved porn. I guess I was just blind to everything. I found out he was going to strip clubs. He promised he would never do it again. He refuses to give up porn. We had our third child last year november. I have been really busy and occupied with him lately. My husband has not tried to be intamate with me for over a month when I ask why he hasn’t been in the mood he just says you have the baby all the time. I told him I would make time for us that I miss being with him! I walked in on him watching porn last night. It just hurts so badly knowing he wants that over me. I can’t explain the feeling. I should be happy and excited about our 10 year anniversary comming up next week. But honestly I feel sad about it. It just makes me realize how its been a 10 year battle with this porn. I’m tired of compeating with something I can not win. I’m so hurt and lonley. He is here he says he loves me he still expects me to bend over backwards for him. But he can’t give me whst I want most from him. Intamacy. The feeling of being loved and cared about. …. man this hurts. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Hes all I know. He is my first everything. I’m scared to leave him. Its been 10 years ya know.I do love him. I’m just tired of feeling this pain.
It’s so hard that women are having to deal with pornography addiction in their partners and spouses. My husband has an addiction although he would never admit it and even the subject of it enrages him into a major temper. Sometimes I watch him and you can tell what he is doing by the way he moves the mouse or if he see’s me watching him he pulls a confused look at the screen like he is looking at something else. He does not realize that there are so many things that give it away without me even having to see whats on the screen. He looks at porn whilst I am in the other room and stays up later than me so he can have his fix before bed and I have noticed he gets irritable if i’m around too much and he can’t get to look at it. We have sex maybe once a month and I have to make a big deal out of it and at that point when we do have sex its completely emotionless and I just feel like a hole for his pleasure and his mind is elsewhere. I have never cheated on him and I wont but I can already see that our marriage will end in divorce over this addiction if nothing changes, part of me sometimes thinks I wish he would cheat so I could be done with this and he could lose everything and finally realize how bad his addiction is, he will never seek help and I will never be able to discuss this with him because as far as he is concerned he does not have a problem and I only assume that he is looking at porn all the time, but im not stupid, i do look and see on his computer, not because i want to invade his right to privacy but because I know he has a problem and I feel I have to monitor it because ut could easily escalate or get worse.
When I met my husband 17 years ago he was very into his porn, but as the years went by I never saw porn magazines anymore and thought he has outgrown it, maybe. Then his work started taking him away and the porn started full throttle again. First I notice all the new things he want to try in the bedroom, but it did not seem emotional connected, not like making love. I dont know, I felt like a hooker instead of a wife, who loves him dearly. He is my husband and I love him so you try. I don’t know, lately i am the one who has to initiate intercourse as he just does not seem that interested anymore. I told him about a friends husband who admitted being addicted to porn, but he says that is rubbish, men just like porn and it is harmless. He seems so disconnected from his family lately,rather mow the lawn than spend the time with us (myself and our 2 boys) Come bedtime and he always lately say, he will come just now. Could porn be the problem, I know We are not that young anymore and I had 2 children that he does not find me attractive anymore, although he says he loves us deeply. Any advice?
You have just described my marrage… I have just googled this tonight as Im so unhappy and cant do it any more its been years… Im only 31 we have 2 young children and I have no one to turn to…. things are so bad. I want to trust but been let down so many times over a laptop…. I myself have wished the lies would have turned out to be an afair for my own dignity need help ….
After 16 years of a sexless marraige I finally left my ex. He has visitation with my 13 yr. old son and twin 9 year old daughters. My son has been exposed to his porn and now my 9 year old say him watching porn. Run! Fast…..
My husband and I have been together for 9 years. We have never had a super active sex life but here recently it has gotten a lot worse. It has been 10 months since we’ve had sex or any type of sexual anything. He looks at porn and up until last year he denied it even though I put proof right in front of him. He tells me he doesn’t masturbate but I don’t believe him. Once he finally came clean he told me ‘it’s like a train wreck. I just can’t stop looking’. Then said he gets nothing out of it but feels drawn to ‘the hunt’. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so hurt, angry, betrayed, and simply put, just not good enough. What am I supposed to do??! I love him but can’t keep going like this. To watch him check out every attractive girl that walks by yet never give you a compliment or look at you that way is gut wrenching. He is 32 by the way. Even before the 10 month stretch of no sex we would have it MAYBE once a month and ONLY if I initiated. Is this all due to porn or is it something else? Help please :(
That’s actually a common problem to porn use; it sounds like he has reached the point where he is only turned on by porn. As one woman, you can’t provide the variety he’s trained himself to use. (You can read about the neurochemical effects of porn in The Porn Circuit.)
The good news is, since he came clean to you, it sounds like he’s finally reaching the point where he’s willing to get help. At this point, I strongly recommend getting professional counseling (for both of you). He should also start using Internet Accountability software; it will send a report of the sites he visits to someone you both choose (I’d recommend a male friend of his who you both trust). It will help break the temptation, and his friend will be able to have good conversations about some of the triggers for his porn use.
It’s 4am and I have been in a cycle of crying, anger and numbness for 12 hours. I just found out my husband, who I have been with for 5 years is addicted to porn and has been the entire time. I feel so betrayed and worthless. He didn’t even tell me. I saw a hidden user name on the computer and he said he didn’t know anything about it so of course I made sure to look into it. Prior to today I would have laid my life on the fact that my husband wouldn’t cheat on me or even lie to me. I can’t believe the amount of time he has spent on this. We made love this morning, I made waffles from scratch and meanwhile he’s adding pictures to his collection. My heart is broken. I feel like everything has been a lie. I feel like the man I thought was my best friend and husband never existed. I know God makes all things work to our good………….. I just can’t see it right now.
He says he is glad to have it out in the open so he can stop. I don’t know how I could ever trust him again. I feel so dumb and tired. So many things seem suspect in hindsight. I don’t want to share with people I know but I am feel alone to my very core.
Holy Smoke, you are my wife.
I’ve been wrestling with this porn issue for months. She just caught me at 4am. Honestly, I speak for most men, I’m happy. The sneaking, the remorse the list goes on and on. It’s like a warm shower. I know my wife is definitely not happy about this lack of trust. We don’t have sex as much in our marriage and I have turned to this as an excuse. I can’t put into words, how you know it’s destructive to the people you love and you can’t stop. Oh it’s stopped now. I hope we’ll be more open. I think if I can talk with her about it, it will help. I’m afraid of the “needing help” issue as a man. It’s a tough subject, most men don’t like to admit to needing help (asking for directions, admitting they’re wrong, etc.)
Porn is a Billion dollar industry. It is by far the hardest opponent for anyone to face. Looking at it in this state of mind, (being caught and coming clean at 4am) alcohol, drugs and any other addiction cost money. Porn has FREE websites. If Macy or Bloomingdale started sending free clothes if you came to their website. I think you understand.
Good Luck, Please be patient with the man. I’m a husband of 8 years. I love my wife. I think I’ll remember my 4am disaster for the rest of my life. I’m hoping it actually brings us close together.
Thanks for sharing, and I hope all goes well with you and your wife! If you’re both willing to work at it, it probably will bring you closer, though it will take a while to get to that point.
Please remember that this is going to be a recovery process for her too. Many wives who catch their husbands watching porn actually experience PTSD symptoms as a result, so be prepared for her emotions to fluctuate wildly.
One of the best things you can do right now is to be proactive in protecting yourself from future porn use. Eventually the temptation WILL come back, so you need to be prepared for it. Pick someone both you and your wife trust to hold you accountable for your Internet use, and install Accountability (and possibly Filtering) software on your computer. Depending on how long you’ve been using porn, you may even want to seek out a counselor to help you specifically with any habitual use. Or you may want to find a marriage counselor to help improve communication in your marriage. Even just one of these steps will help your wife see that you’re serious about your marriage. It won’t be an instant fix – she’ll still need time to heal – but it will help.
I have to say i have only just put it all together, my partner has the same problem and it is so clear to me now. I have been through hell!! Feeling so depressed and low and worthless due to his lack of intimacy and affection now i know and it all makes sense. Never leaving the house when i leave alone. Not wanting to work, never spending money but has the best computer equipment, best security devices on his computer -the list just goes on and on.. :(
My husband admitted to me that he has a pornography addiction. I had no idea, so I’m scared about the future. We have a one year old daughter. When he was about 11 he and a couple brothers discovered that their father was involved in pornography. His father made it seem okay to him and thus the addiction began. He used to masturbate 3 times a day daily. Since we’ve been married he claims that he has never masturbated and he has looked at porn a few days in a row each month. Everything I read says that the addiction will never go away. That’s a terrifying thought. I never want my sweet daughter to learn bad behaviors like he did from his father. I’m trying to decide if I should just leave now. I’m scared to have any more children. I’m scared that he will crush me all over again. He’s a devoted father and husband and he listens and accepts anything I tell him; but I can’t stay if it’s ever going to happen again. It makes me feel like death would be a beautiful thing. I would never commit suicide because I have a testimony against that and I love my daughter too much to ever leave her. That would be selfish. I’ve never understood addictions. Sure you may experience different, even horrible feelings by not participating but they’ll go away. I don’t believe that the chemical reactions take place until you participate, so blaming the addiction is a scapegoat in my opinion. What I’m wondering is if I have any reason to have hope? Can he do it and never mess up again?
I’ve been married for 8 months now, but lived with him for almost for 4 yrs and I can say it’s been hell. I was molested when I was a kid and a rape victim when I was 16yrs of age and I have been battling with his porn addiction for a long time, false promises, the lies and not forget to mention the sexless marriage we live. I have rage against him and many times I’ve gone violent with him, because I want to hurt him so bad and God forgive me, but at this point I believe is worthless. I don’t love him anymore for all the mental anguish he has put me through, I don’t see him as an individual anymore, but as a pedophile or perverted being I hate porn I think is damaging not only for these people but it damages other’s self esteem and self worth.
My partner and I have almost been together 7 years. I love him soo much but the porn is just wearing me down. I noticed soon into the relationship but just thought it was normal we used to watch it together even. Then he started doing it more often and in private and lying about it even though I would notice certain behaviours. I would wait in bed for him wondering what was taking him so long and would go out to find him only to see him click something off the computer very quickly and then lie until I got it out of him. Its happened many times waiting and catching him out. He created a guest account which I didn’t know about and when I found it, it was FULL of only porn any gadget he has with internet access is used for that. Every time I try and explain I feel horrible and it feels like he doesn’t want me anymore he used to say what I needed to hear and I’d get over it until next time. Now he doesn’t even try anymore. It used to happen every couple of months now we’ve had the same issue about 5 times in a month he tells me he wont it means nothing “all guys do it” or “I always have”. He lies every time even if I catch him in the act he’ll lie and that hurts also because I’m not stupid. I just feel like we are getting nowhere I cant stop crying, I can barley concentrate at work . I want to be with him I just cant handle this anymore.
This kind of thing can really wear a person down, for sure. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.
It sounds like he’s dragging his feet on this, and he can always claim, “You knew this about me. I’m not the one who’s changed. You have.” In this respect, he is partially right. The real question, however, isn’t whether he’s “always done it,” but whether he should. It is obviously distracting him from intimacy with you. It is obviously steeling his attention and devotion. And because this is a habitual thing, he’s literally rewiring his brain when it comes to sexuality.
First, I recommend you follow the advice in these posts Ella wrote. She has some great things to say and some steps for you to take.
Second, please, please find some support for yourself: talk to someone about this. Find a supportive friend, a counselor, a local pastor: someone who will help you to think clearly and reaffirm your need to take a stand against this behavior.
I’ll be honest…I no longer know what I am meant to think of this all.
Yes, I realise most men look at porn, but it is something I have never been comfortable with. Am I to accept that all men do? Part of me feels I have to.
My fiancee/ex…at the moment I don’t know what we are we were together for 14 years, after the first 3 I discovered he had an addiction, but randomly started downloading things without even viewing half of them. As a result it became non-specific and he ended up downloading massive folders of mixed porn (regrettably and I do believe this, a minority of them that he wasn’t into) led to a short jail term sentence, considering the amount of content. I’m not going to go in to the reasons I believe that he is not a risk, but I know anything he’s seen since doesn’t relate to this at all.
The issue is that he only told me in the first place because he had to and although he’s sought help, he still hasn’t stopped and still only tells me when I force him to, although he is slightly better.
It made me feel awful, I hated being the therapist, having to stay calm when I was upset about it and feeling like I was being compared to other women. We didn’t have many sexual issues as such…sometimes it would be hard for him to get an erection if he had been…ahem…erect a few seconds before….so I dunno that might count.
I dunno if this is every going to change…I wish that it would…it is the main issue in our relationship…I’ve personally lost interest in having sex with him, I don’t know if that’s because things fizzled a bit or because when I found out about it I felt slightly disgusted…although in all honesty after putting up with it for 10 years I started looking at other men and cheated on him towards the end of the relationship (the last 2 months). The guy made me feel attractive and special, but I think it’s just something that I needed…I don’t know…I really don’t know if I should go back to him or not. He really is wonderful with the exception of this…I love him (and yes I realise people may not believe this after the comment about having cheated, but I do). However, I’m scared of being with him because what if this all stays the same permanently???
Every time I find he’s done this and then lied to me, I feel betrayed…over and over…maybe that’s why the cheating didn’t feel terrible because it felt like it was a drop in the ocean comparing to what I’d done and that person did make me feel pretty awesome (although that person was me looking for something in someone that didn’t exist).
Hi Lisa,
Yes, many men look at porn, but no, you do not have to put up with it. We all have our faults, and when it comes to relationships, forgiveness is a must as a part of daily life. But of equal importance is trust. You need to be able to trust him if you are going to continue being with him.
He may be wonderful in many other ways, but you need to ask yourself, “If this continues on, or if it gets worse, would I be willing to stick this out?” For your sake, I hope the answer is no. For his sake as well. Granted, this is only my opinion, but I think more men should know what it’s like to feel the sting of losing out on a good relationship because they chose to pleasure themselves in front of pixels on a screen. They need to know that’s the tradeoff: they are losing something real to something selfish and fake.
You might want to get this free e-book. It might relate some to your situation.
I’ve been with my husband over 6 years and while we weren’t married he was watching porn and I think now he may be addicted he still has sex with me he says he just watches so he can learn things but I think it’s a lie what should I do I tried talking to him I’m afraid it’s going to ruin our marriage
Perhaps you both could use some good education about how porn impacts the brain and how we think. I recommend reading this free online book called The Porn Circuit. It references psychologists and neuroscientists about the impact of porn on someone’s mind. It is very readable.
Whether or not your husband is addicted is not the point (although, if he is, that is a serious concern). The point is how he is training his mind sexually as he watches more and more porn. There are ways to “learn things” about sexuality that don’t involve watching pornography. Pornography is some of the worst sexual education you can get. The only thing your husband is learning is how to fantasize about other women.
I highly recommend you speak to a trusted friend or counselor about this face-to-face. I don’t want to see you hurt in this marriage by his porn use. You need some good, wise counsel from someone who knows you and can speak to your situation. Your husband does need to stop what he is doing, but that will take effort on his part.
my ex didnt just look at porn he spent thousands of dollars on it then when i would leave it would get worse he started sleeping with guys and girls it didnt matter, I was appauled one night we brought a friend home who was to drunk to drive, I woke-up to this noise like a suction noise i look and theres the friend we gave a place to stay giving head to my so called husband, It didnt end there i couldnt bring a friend home or he was all over her. He would get stoned and tell me things like i jerked off in that ash tray you cleaned and would say it turned him on to watch me clean it… I got sick my so called best friend started sleeping with him for two years this went on for till one night i got the truth dont ask me how lets just say she went home and her husband called me the next day asking how she got two black eyes and was beaten up… This is just part of my story it got way worse than this
Sonya, I am so, so sorry you were so mistreated in this relationship–I’m happy to hear this person is your ex now. I think many women find themselves in similar situations; thank you for sharing your story and your words of hope that you CAN put a terrible situation like this behind you. It sounds like a very traumatic experience and I’m wondering if you have been able to find help in the recovery process? Peace to you, Kay
I’ve been with my husband for over 10 yrs, we married when we were 19 and We have 3 daughters together. I’ve always struggled with my weight/ body issues and having a husband that is addicted to porn/ masturbation doesn’t help. When he gets caught he lies about it and denies any wrong doing,or simply doesn’t say anything. I feel ugly, fat, and not good enough for a man. The romance left 9yrs ago and never returned. We hardly talk to each other we’re intimate 1 or 2ce a month, I’ve tried to end it but I grew up without a dad and don’t want the same for my kids. When I ask him if he loves me he says yes. When I try to end it he fights for us to stay together, but why?? I don’t understand. Just last night I found porn on his phone and I blew up!! He wouldn’t say anything he’s a coward. What do I do???
From the sounds of it, he is a coward. I pity him because I used to be in his shoes. I know how porn can get a grip on you and you just don’t know what your life will look without it.
If he refuses to say anything to you, here’s how I might approach him. “You don’t have to say anything to me right now, but I have something to say to you, and I need your full attention. I know you’ve been looking at pornography. I know this has been an issue in your life for a while now. First, I want you to understand how it hurts me to know that you not only fantasize about other women, but you seek out images in order to fantasize about them. When we got married and you vowed to forsake all others, I thought it meant you would seek to have eyes for only me, even if the world threw temptations your way. I don’t blame you for being tempted. But if we are going to make our marriage work, the porn needs to stop.
“Please understand me: I’m not asking for you to give this up in exchange for nothing. I want porn to stop robbing us of real intimacy. I want the romance back in our marriage. I don’t want you to feel like you need to retreat to images on a screen. I want us to please one another physically and emotionally. I don’t want to live out the rest of our days in a marriage that isn’t striving for this.
“I understand if you have nothing to say right now, but here’s what I’m asking you to do. I want you to stop watching porn, and if you feel it is some kind of compulsion, I want you to get help. I don’t know how you feel about this, but despite how you feel about me or us, I want you to be free from the need you feel to look at porn.
“If you don’t want to make this change, just understand that I can’t live with this anymore. If it means we need to take a break from each other, if it means you need to move out for a while until you can find the help you need and I can find the support I need, then so be it.”
There are a ton of good resources available on this website to help you with this conversation, but it sounds like it is a conversation that needs to be had. I feel so sad for the issues his porn problem has caused in you. Understand that his porn problem has nothing to do with you. His obsession with porn is because he’s obsessed with the novelty of it, the variety, the “forbidden.” No one woman can satisfy the lusts of a man who is used to an online harem at his fingertips. He needs to retrain his mind to understand what true beauty is.
My husband and i have been married a little over a year. i knew about him viewing porn before. we have talked about it numerous times. he wants to quit he says and stops for up to a few weeks but then stress gets high and im suffering from post partum depression so it makes it harder for him to talk to me even more. i dont know what to do. he says he wants to stop but doesnt i give him a while then when i notice odd behavior look at our browser history before he has a chance to erase it and hes done it again. i dont want to block him out more but i am thinking about talking to someone to go talk with him as well. i know we both need it.
our situation is tough too because we are living with my inlaws because he still hasnt found a job. and he had video game addiction before porn.
Hi kayla,
You might want to ask him some time about what his action plan is going to be for quitting. He needs to have a plan in place for how he is (1) going to distance himself from temptation, and (2) how he is going to deal with the triggers when they arise.
There are books galor about this topic. Perhaps he would like The Game Plan by Joe Dallas or Closing the Window by Tim Chester.
As for yourself, I recommend you find someone you know personally to talk about this. It’s hard enough when your husband is retreating to pornography, but to compound that with post-partum depression would be awful. Don’t be alone in your struggle with this. You need just as much support as he does.
I’m so glad I found this forum. I don’t know what to do. I know alot of men look at porn, but it seems to be addictive for my husband. We’ve been together a year and a half, married for less than six months now. I have a 10-year-old son and previously left a verbally abusive 18 year relationship. My husband and I both work. I also mow, cook, do the laundry, take out the trash, etc.
He blames his recently-low libido and delayed ejaculation on medication, weight and work stress. However, I’ve also contronted him about the porn I found on the computer. I told him I don’t care if he looks at it, as long as he doesn’t care if I talk to guys on the internet. That stopped it for about a week, but he’s back at it. I really wouldn’t care if I were getting some too (ha), but it’s once a week or less, and half that time he can’t ejaculate.
I’m younger and haven’t gained any weight since we met, so….wth? Guess I’ll just wait the etiquette-based year so I don’t have to return the wedding gifts (most of the money was spent already) and ask for a divorce…
Sounds like he needs to be confronted again. Let him know you can’t stand for this in your marriage. That’s what “forsaking all others” means. You analogy of chatting with guys online is a good one. If he can’t tolerate you emotionally connecting other men, he should understand why you can’t stand him ejaculating to images of women on a screen.
Remember, being anti-porn is not about being anti-sex. The goal of all of this is intimacy, not just “quitting porn.”
You might enjoy these articles:
Why Porn Hurts Marriages (and why marital sex is so much hotter than porn)
The Path to True Intimacy and Better Sex
Thanks, Luke!
my husband has had an addiction to porn for quite some time now…It makes me feel degraded and unattractive…I feel as if he wants me to be like those women he’s watching but its just not me. I went to work one day and when I got home I looked at the history on my pc and found that what he had done all day while I was gone was look at porn..it crushed me becuz he and I separated for while due to addicition to drugs and we recently decided to try again and now I have to worry about yet another distructive addiction. I wont compete or try to be someone Im not…Im afraid that if this addiction he has does not stop, I will have no choice but to divorce him..we have so many trust issues and I have really given my all and done so much to help him…I just feel like I cant do anything else..if he doesnt want to change or feel the need to, should I continue to allow myself to be degraded like this or disrespected?? I know I deserve better than that
Porn is an arousal addiction, similar to, but not completely like, substance addictions. The high your husband receives from drugs is similar to the high he gets from porn.
Keep in mind there are plenty of steps between discovering this problem and divorce. Follow Ella’s advice in these three articles, for starters.
Second, think about ways you can communicate the offensiveness of this to him. He would not like it if you were chatting with men online and having sexual conversations. You see his porn use the same way: he is letting other women into his heart and mind. Tell him this is not what marriage is all about: it is about being the only one for each other and growing in intimacy.
Reading this is killing me. About 6 months ago I was on my partner of 2 years’ computer and found a folder of images of different female friends of his. Some of them had been edited so that they were the only ones in the photo. It absolutely killed me! I don’t think I have ever been so heart broken by someone who I love. I confronted him about it and he promised me it wasn’t sexual just something he had that was his “naughty little secret”. Now here I am 6 months later and not a day goes by that I don’t think about what I found. Every time I see the women or know he’s spoken to them I want to vomit. Now I have just found that he has been spending hours on his phone surfing porn images while he is at work. I know I am not as pretty or as sexual as these women and no matter what I do I never will be. I spend my time going between wanting to change myself so he will find me attractive and wanting to confront him. But I am so scared that if I do then ill push him away. We have sex about once a week. I don’t think he finds me attractive or my body a turn on. I am so devastated.
Hi Kendy,
Changing yourself to meet his needs is not the answer. Talking to him about this deeply felt insecurity could really help this situation. If he continues to do things that communicate that he wants to lust after other women, he needs to know (even though it should be obvious to him) that this harms you. He took a vow to you to be faithful to you, “forsaking all others.” He needs to treat this seriously.
That said, even if he cleaned up his act today and gained your trust, you still have to find a way to deal with the memory of these things. Some of that can be healed over time as he demonstrates his love and affection for you, but some of that has got to be learned as you ground your identity in something much bigger than your sex appeal. Many women have found it helpful to talk to a counselor about these things, and I think that would be a great step for you as well.
Hi reading these posts have really helped me not feel so alone, I
have been with my Child Father for nearly 4 years, in this whole time
porn has caused such problems, I have no trust at all, we have sex
max once every 2 months and that is after weeks of me driving him
mad telling how I feel so disconnected to him as there is no intimacy
and when it does happen it feels so emotionless and it is a way to
shut me up for a while, no kissing anymore EVER he doesn’t even
look at me, this has made me feel so ugly I am now punishing myself
by either starving for weeks or over eating, he says he has no drive but I have found porn on phone and computer, I have now put adult content restrictor on C and monitor phone, but think I have driven him underground, he comes home everyday from work with underwear that tells me he has been masturbating but gets angry and sulks and tells me im mad when I confront him, but of course I am not silly, he just does not care how this makes me feel and I am afraid it is destroying my life.
I met the man of my dreams 7 years ago. We had an amazing 3 years. Our sex life was amazing. He had porn, looked at it from time to time. Everyone’s entitled to go it alone once in a while. Then I got pregnant. Then it went bad, really bad. As soon as I started to show, he would tell me how fat I was and gross I was. He wpuld get mad at me if I came home early from work or decided not to go to the store or something. I found porn everywhere. We had stopped having sex because he said it weirded him out cause I was pregnant. So after the horror of being pregnant and basically hated I had our son. I thought finally we will be better again. I won’t be all fat and gross to him anymore. No no no, boy was I way off. It kept going. He kept lying. He kept doing his thing, and left me alone completely. We had sex maybe 1 or 2 times every 2 months. And I had to beg and cry. It only ever lasted maybe 2 minutes. I would even wake up to him doing it alone right next to me even if we just had sex. He admitted that he got so angry about me being home when I wasn’t supposed to be because it ruined his time to masterbate.H masterbated at work, even in his car. He admitted it was like 4or 5 times a day. But when it came to me it was a big no go. So I dealt with it for 4 ore years. The whole time feeling horrible about myself. Hating myself, feeling alone ugly worthless betrayed. Well he claimed to have stopped looking at porn about 2 years ago, but our sex life never changed. He still didn’t want me. I still hated myself. We finally split up a few moths ago. But the pain is still there. I still feel worthless and disgusting. Will this ever go away? Will it ever stop hurting? The sad part is, I miss him so much. I was so in love. I still love him. What do I do? Do you think he ever really stopped?
Three things I’d like to say to you.
First, I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way. This is no way for any husband to treat his wife.
Second, I suspect he is still involved in pornography on some level. Even if he has decreased or stopped all use of porn, he obviously is ensnared by pornographic fantasy. If I were a betting man, I’d say he still probably still masturbating frequently. If I can use an analogy, if he has actually stopped looking at porn, then he’s like a “dry drunk.” Dry drunks may have quit the alcohol, but because their whole world still revolves around the alcohol they aren’t drinking, they are miserable people to be around. (Either way, if he’s using it or not, the problem still exists.)
Third, you’ve put your finger on the trigger of the problem: The root problem is not the porn, but the lack of intimacy between you and him. Porn can totally rewire a man’s brain to believe that solo-sexuality is to be preferred to relational sex. This is one of the insidious problems with porn, especially as it becomes an ingrained habit. What you want more than anything else is not just that he would stop looking at porn, but that he would be passionate about you. This is what he needs to realize.
Chances are good that he knows this already, but he’s incapable of being intimate with you because of the years he spent masturbating to images on a screen. Change is possible, but he has to want it. He might really benefit from reading this free e-book, The Porn Circuit.
As for you, do you have anyone you can talk to about this in person. You need support right now as well. You need an advocate to stand in your corner and given you encouragement through this. Don’t discount your pain as trivial. Studies show that about 70% of women who have sexually addicted spouses show the same kind of signs of post-traumatic stress disorder. Your pain is not trivial. You need support and the wisdom of others to help you to know how to talk to him and what to do next.
I just realize in the last 4mos my husband is addicted to porn.
i confronted him with evidence and he lied and said it wasn’t not him. He would stay up late waiting for me to go to sleep then get his IPAD out put a pillow between us just in case I wake up. If I did wake he would hurry up to shut it off. So I started acting like I was sleep and watch him for hours looking at porn without him noticing me. He sign up for several email accounts, online dating site freeF**kdates. He snaps pictures of the porn women with his phone and he keeps a note with there names. When we have sex he tell me im going to satisfy you and ill get mine later .Sometimes he loses his erection then hell say well he’s tired and stress.He does’nt initiate sex I ask for it everyday and only get it maybe 2x a week.
Sometimes he will have a blank stare or be looking around the room while were having sex or he say lets do it in the dark so im left feeling hurt, insecure, ugly and any other words you think of. so now im thinking he’s thinking of the women on the sites he visits and I cannot and will not compete with that. He did say he’s looks at porn from time to time but would gave me a number and he stated he didnot have a porn habit. He has limit he time at home looking at porn but now he looks at it daily on his phone. Where does that leave us? I bring the issue up he tells me its all in my head and if i keep this up i will ruin our marriage with this nonsense and by the way he says I Love You
Im and tired of pretending to be happy and smiling on the outside while im crying inside. I love him dearly with my every being but this is too much. I want him to come clean so we can start on a path of healing but right now is he pretending like there’s nothing wrong.
Ann, this is an awful situation, to be sure. Your husband is treating you so shamefully.
What your husband is likely experiencing is all the negative physical effects of watching pornography. (This new book, The Porn Circuit, talks at length about this issue.)
Have you told him that you stayed up to watch him looking at porn? Have you told him the specific things you’ve seen and the evidence you have for his behavior?
Here’s how I might approach him if I were you. Remaining composed and calm, I would say, “I’ve watched you as you lay right next to me, looking at porn websites for hours. I know you’ve signed up for e-mail accounts for sites like freeF**kdates. I know you snap pictures of these porn women with your phone keep notes with their names. At this point, I do not believe you if you say your porn use is only occasional, and I even if it was only occasional, it is inexcusable. I want the best for our marriage. I want to be the one who satisfies you, not these pixels on a screen. But for us to have that kind of intimacy, you have got to get rid of the porn and relearn how to be intimate with me. I will not tolerate it anymore. You may think I’m blowing this up, but at this point you do not have my trust. What needs to happen for this to change?”
my husband has a sever problem with porn. He used to masturbate to porn once a day now it is 2 to 3 times a day. He does it when Iam asleep in the next room and it really bothers me and causes me emotional pain. Sometimes I cant stand to look at him. We have sex once every 3 weeks and I have to instigate it and do all the work and he never returns favors. Like what he sees in porn I do but all though I do the same things he still wont stop looking at porn. My heart is broken and talking doesnt help. I dont know how to make it stop. why cant he just be intimate with me on a regular basis instead of porn 3 times a day? Its really making me depressed. Any suggestions?
Hope, it so sad to hear your story. What an awful think your husband is doing to you, robbing your marriage of intimacy like this.
Nothing will change in him until he sees a reason to change. I highly recommend you read the third part of Ella’s article. Leave a comment if you have any other questions.
Almost everyone has the same story. Nice to know I’m not alone.
My husband falls into porn every year or so, and every time I catch him he says he’s sorry and will never do it again. It’s happened about 5 years in a row now, and I got so horribly upset last time, i grabbed a knife and gashed my arm. I meant to do a nick to upset HIM for a change and ended up needing stitches rather than a band-aid. I am so tired of this I can’t stand it. WHAT DO WE DO???? We have two kids, and honestly, if we didn’t have them, I think I’d leave him… :( But the porn is the only real problem we have, and the kids need both of us.
Hi Beck,
It is terrible to hear how much your husband’s sin has driven you to the point of hopelessness. How much does he recognize this as a problem? Is he willing to do something (more than promise not to do it again) to stop? This is about him demonstrating to you through his actions his willingness to change. It sounds like this is something he needs to find help with. A lot of guys don’t like to try to find outside help for pornography, not just because porn is a shameful act, but because it is embarrassing to ask for help on anything for which you feel out of control. But this kind of humility is exactly what the doctor ordered for a man in his situation. It is his pride that causes him to believe he can stand on his own two feet and never fall: his pride is his downfall.
That said, it also sounds like you need some help as well. To use self-harm as a means of inflicting pain on another demonstrates a great deal of internal pain: as you said, this rediscovery was devastating to you. Who have you spoken to about this? Counselor? Pastor? Good friend? You need someone who can walk through this trial with you, giving you sound, level-headed wisdom along the way.
I highly recommend you watch counselor Brad Hambrick’s video series True Betrayal. It is excellent and geared toward woman in your shoes.
I contacted a counselor in our area yesterday for couple’s counseling to talk about both issues, I’m still waiting for an answer. i’m not sure we can afford it though. I’m hoping to find a cheap or free counselor too, but i can’t find one yet.
He knows its a problem, but he is following his low-life father’s example. Had the same problem, and all he did was say things and never follow through with ANYTHING. I’m sick to death of words, all i want is an example. i show him i love him by keeping the house clean, making meals for him, cleaning clothes, taking care of our kids, working on the side to bring in a little money…he doesn’t do anything around the house because he’s “too tired” which i believed until i realized he had time for porn…
I had a family member talk to him about porn, and i think that helped, but i really want to find more help.
It is a good idea to find help. As for finding a free counselor, I know many Christian counselors offer free services (or services for whatever you can pay). You might want to look in this directory to see what you can find.
It is all about believing his behavior, not his words. Talk is cheap. Talk is important, yes, but it isn’t the best indicator of change. In addition to the above videos, I recommend you read these free digital books:
You can get these two free chapters from Doug Weiss’ books. He an expert in this problem.
You can also read this book I edited a while back called Hope After Porn. There you will read about some “examples” that you asked about.
Do you think the family member who talked to him about porn can continue talking to him? Your husband needs accountability and help to break this nasty habit in his life.
Hi Ella,
I decided to research pornography addiction classes for girlfriends and ran across your site. I have to say I’m new to this whole porn situation. I’ve maybe seen 2 my whole life. They have never been apart of my life. I’m really sorry to hear all these ladies stories. But like them I have been dating a guy for 2 years now a “very good looking” , handsome guy. He can charm his way through any situation and definitely charm the pants off any girl. I’ve been out with him and watched woman approach him. That’s how charming and debanair he is. He does not have a “REAL” everyday Job, he lives with a Million Air who’s a friend but also does work hear n there for this person just to get by n make ends meet. He told me of his porn addition in the begining and how it was the end of a 9 year relationship that he was totally happy in. (I should of ran) Even though he was honest with me in the beginning I really never quite understood or got the whole picture until recently. And truthfully I’m not sure I really have a complete understanding of this illness. During this 2 years he’d invite me over, we’d have sex. And great sex, he defiantly mastered his own technique. We connected sexually so well that just standing near him you could feel the chemistry. It was electric. It was AMAZINGLY hot n heavy in the beginning he would call, we’d go out I spent the night regularly, he even made a drawer for me at his place. I soon feel deeply in love with this guy he became my main focus and thought of everyday n night. If he’d call I would drop everything I was doing including break plans with my best girlfriends. I would bake for him cook for him ANYTHING for him… Then one day ( After I shared my feelings with him) he starts to pull away things get a little rocky we get into a few stupid arguments & he decides to tell me we are only dating and that I need to stop chasing him so much. I am not his girl friend He’s single and that’s the way he wants to keep it. I’m completely devistated I just invested my whole self, my whole heart, my whole body and spirit in this guy. All guards down. He starts saying things to me like “you think me or any guy for that matter would ever want a girl who gave it up so easily”. “Your crazy” Plus other mean, hurtful, and verbally damaging things. Long story short he would come and go as HE pleased and because I’m in love with him, I would think ” The next time” he will see I truly do love him and things will be different. Each time hed sleep with me, the time between seeing him would grow longer n longer. I’d cry and ask why he was doing this and I’d beg him to talk to me but nothing. Then he’d show back up charm his way right back in my bed, my life for the night or the weekend what ever worked in his favor. It got to the point to where he would never spend more than 12 hours with me. I have become very emotionally damaged by this man and By everything he has made me believe and feel about myself that isn’t even true. He has torn me down verbally basicly telling me im a liar and that he wants a good woman in his life. He finally admitted to me the other day that besides the Internet porn, he basically brought his fantasy off the screen and into his bed i was his real life porno girl, and that he doesn’t feel the same about me that I do him, and that he will never feel that way about me as he goes on to tell me all the things he does not like about me and all I do wrong in his eyes. I don’t understand?? I never saw this brick wall coming. I’m so so so in love with this man that I cry myself to sleep every night, I text him wanting answers only to get no reply or maybe a hear and there response. I moved 100 miles away from him just to clear my head and breath but hurt so badly everyday over his absence. I’m a really good person and would of done anything for this guy. Can you please help me. I need a recovery group or something I can learn why???? Why did he do this to me .. I was so sweet to him, I bought him things, took him places, gave him all of me to get slammed into a sliding glass door and all cut up inside. And the kicker for me is he doesn’t even care he’s hurt me. He walked away like he has never even known me. I recieved a text from him the other day that said he had to push me out of his life so he could find Christ and better his walk with him. He also said, I became his live addiction and he had zero feelings after 2 years, of what to me was very intimate times. Everything worked with us it was great .. What really hurts is that he knew the whole time I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I’m finally realizing he faked everything. He turned it on and off like a light switch. How?? Why?? What is wrong with me that I accept this type of treatment from him as if I’m not better than that ….. I want to learn to understand this illness so I may become stronger again. Everyone says its not you it’s him, but how ? How does someone have a sexual relationship with someone for 2 years no get up and walk out as if it never happened leaving the other person lying on the floor in devestation and pain.
Stevie, I recommend you find a CODA group (google it) and also read the book, Women Who Love Too Much. The issues here is not the porn, even though it certainly has a lot to do with the issues this man has and his disrespect for women. But for you, the problem is, like you said, you being willing to let men treat you that way. There is a lack of self-respect and many possible reasons why so I can’t speculate. I also recommend counseling to address these issues. I wish you the very best.
Hi there guys!
I’m just so glad that there’s an actual website for women such as these broken hearts. I’m a 22year old mom to a toddler and well, I think my husband does have this addiction as well. I shiver just using this word as its such a stark reality. I’m the kind of person who hides my hurt and smiles out at the rest of the world, pretending that there’s nothing behind this mask. This is the first person or soul I’m really telling this to. I’ve caught out my husband a number of times with downloaded filthy videos.(God knows how I just smell exactly when he’s been at it! Can you explain that :-} )Yeah, well, whenever I confront him, thank god, he doesn’t lie, he admits immediately, but as you said, he always tells me that it has nothing to do with me, he says he loves my appearance and my body and whenever I catch him at it, he always promises that it’s the last time, but do they ever stop? He says that sometimes I am pulled up with him or not smiling for whatever reason, this leads him to these things. He tells me that if I straighten out my behaviour with him, he’ll be straight as well. I’m just beginning to wonder…Hell, can’t I just close my eyes and make it all go away? He says that he feels frustrated that we don’t always get to do things together as baby is around and we’ll have to wait for baby to sleep etc etc. I try to give him as much as time possible but I’m a mom to a small babe.I fell pregnant quite soon after marriage. Ts porn thing makes me feel so exhausted. Too exhausted to love him as before. What on earth do I do?
HI Daisy,
First, your husband is right about one thing: his fixation on porn has nothing to do with you. You cannot be more _______ or _______ enough and make this thing go away. He has to take charge of this himself.
Did you finish the series by Ella about this, especially part 3? I think you’ll read some good next steps there.
Before July 2013 my husband used to love having sex with me every night, sometimes when we wake up in the morning and sometimes in the middle of the night but two months ago everything has changed. At first i thought that he was cheating on me. So i went through his phone but didnt find anything that could prove that he’s cheating on me. But when i browsed his internet history on his phone, there were quite few porn websites he had visited. I also checked his laptop and same as well. So then i thought that my husband is somehow addicted to porn. I talked to him about it but he’s in denial. There were a few times i caught him on the act. This is really hurting and bothering me a lot!
Camille, since you’ve caught him in the act and since you can show him the evidence on his Internet devices, he can’t deny that he uses porn. The issue is not whether he is “addicted” (although, he might, in fact, be addicted). The issue is whether he is fantasizing about porn women while being married to you. Have you talked to him about that?
I have been with my husband for almost 7 years & have been married for 2 years having met on a dating site. Our relationship has been amazing, affectionate & passionate up until a couple of years ago when I suspected, confirmed & confronted him about his regular porn site visits after finding history on our laptop.
I believe that he didn’t stop watching porn as soon as I left the house he simply deleted the history & covered his tracks.
He very rarely uses the laptop at home now as he is in an office job which has an in house pc. What he watches on here is out of my hands but he is now watching porn on his phone.
He visits the bathroom daily & before bed each night spending 20 minutes or so in there sometimes which he assures me is because he is using the toilet. I have checked his history on his phone & have seen that he is watching porn.
Our sex life has diminished from 6-7 times a week to 2-3 & this is weekends only & I believe that when we do have sex it’s after he has watched porn which has turned him on.
Today I left home to take the dog for a walk & he decided to stay in bed. When I checked his phone he had watched porn while I was out with the dog even though he had watched it last night before bed.
I feel bad for checking his phone & know he would go mad if he knew but that now makes me feel at a loss as to what to do. I feel unattractive & not at all sexy but how do I approach him when all he will do is flip at me for checking his phone.
I feel sorry for him in a way & really think he needs help but am pretty sure he won’t admit he has a problem.
Here’s how I might approach him, “I’d like to talk to about something that’s been on my mind. I know in the past you’ve really struggled with pornography. I know this is something you’ve wanted to stop doing for the sake of building trust in our marriage. I believe the best way for us to build trust is for us to not have secrets. I would like to reserve the right to look at your phone’s Internet history whenever I want. This is something I need to see so I can rebuild my trust of you.” Then ask to see his phone.
If he is defensive, stay calm and say, “I’m confused. Why wouldn’t you want me to see your phone. If I was doing erotic video chats with men online, I would expect you to want to know that. I would expect you to not trust me until I proved that I wasn’t doing that anymore. That only makes sense.”
He might say, “Well, that’s different.” Ask him why. What makes it different? If he says that there’s a big difference between watching porn and chatting online, then you know the source of the problem: he doesn’t think watching porn is a big deal that should concern you. Draw this difference of opinion out to him. Say, “This is where we disagree. You think looking at porn is no big deal, but I do. We are going to have to come to some sort of agreement about this, because it sounds like you have no problem with it and are willing to hide it from me just to keep me happy. You would have to agree: this is not the kind of marriage you want, and this is not what it means to have trust.”
See where this gets you.
My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I am very much in love with him. About 10 years ago I caught him masturbating to porn. I became as obsessed about “catching him” at it as he was with doing it. I kept telling myself things to bury how it was actually making me feel but I realize now I was living and breathing his porn addiction daily by constantly wondering what he was doing and snooping on him. In the last few years we have had a lot of stressors in our life and he had been spending less and less time with me and the kids. I finally had an affair. I was feeling so horrible about myself and my life and then this guy comes along and tells me all the things I need to hear about myself. It was a horrible thing to do and I feel SOOO guilty. I know there is absolutely no excuse for what I did. But now my husband has left me and our three kids. He has a girlfriend in another state that he met on an affiar website. He is so mad at me. He tells me his addiction to porn was all of my fault because I didn’t have sex with him enough. That I rejected him to much and he had no choice but to take care of things himself. I don’t know if that is true or not – we didn’t have sex very often. Maybe once ever 6 months. But I now wonder if I was never in the mood because I sensed something was going on. I often felt like an object instead of his partner in the bedroom. He refuses to come back to me and says he is just totally pissed. The thing I don’t understand is why he can’t see what he was doing to me all of these years. Am I wrong in thinking that instead of being pissed and leaving his wife and three kids, he should be feeling remorse for his years of addiction and what that did to our marriage? He grew up with extreme sexual abuse at the hands of his father so I can’t help but feel if I could just get him in to therapy he could be the man I know he is. But he refuses to go. Also, I wanted to say, his brain has definitely changed from all of these years of watching porn. He is less decisive, he can’t remember things, he has a poor opinion of women in general, he blames others for his actions and he is making choices that he would have NEVER made years ago. I don’t know what to do – or even if it is worth trying to do anything. I don’t understand why I want him back… but I do.
Hi RebaLou,
Thanks for sharing your story here. It breaks my heart to see how much sexual brokenness can break up a family: sex abuse, adultery, pornography. My prayers are with you and your family.
First, you are not crazy for wanting your husband back. Marriage was designed by God to be for life, and there is naturally a mourning one should feel at the loss of that.
Second, everything in your story sounds cyclical. He uses porn; you feel less desirable and initiate sex less; he reacts and seeks out more porn; you feel lonely and unattractive; you have an affair; he retreats into more porn and an Internet girlfriend; the cycle continues. The point isn’t who is more to blame: both of you had a hand in these things. Both of you were sinned against. Both of you chose to react to another person’s sin in a sinful way. Both of you sinned against each other.
That said, as the man in this relationship, your husband needs to understand his role and he has failed to do that. He sought out porn instead of pursuing you. If you really were not giving him enough sex (and once every 6 months is pretty minimal), then he should have spoken to you about it and pursued a romantic relationship with you, not retreated into the easy road of porn. When you had an affair, he most likely used that as an excuse to leave the relationship with no thought of reconciliation. I’m not saying he left the relationship for for no good reason, but he continues to do harm to himself and to you by not forgiving you.
What to do now: First, seek his forgiveness for the affair. Explain you know the difference between forgiveness and trust: forgiveness seeks to hold no grudge or retaliate against you, but trust needs to be re-earned. You desire his forgiveness. Second, tell him that for the sake of his own heart and his future relationships to seek help for his porn problem. He needs to get the root of why he looks at porn so much, because you are not the cause of that. He’s lying to himself if he tells himself that. No woman, no matter how attentive or beautiful, can capture a man’s heart who is already captured by porn.
Wow… after reading all these stories I don’t feel so alone. So thank you ladies. I’m 33 my husband is 48. We have been married almost 13 yrs. His second marriage… when we meant I found numerous videos and magazines. I asked him about them and his response was he didn’t need it anymore he used it because he was single for 3 yrs. I believed him and moved on. Well since then I have found porn and nude sites several several times. He always says he sorry and won’t do it again but he does. He claims he has never masturbated to anything he just looks. I don’t believe that. My husband has had issues with being able to maintain an erection enough to have sex. We have sex in other ways but not the way we should.I have never made an issue of it in fear I would make him feel like less of a man but he has no problem making me feel like less of a woman.he recently started to receive help but I just don’t think I can get over being hurt so many times. Tonight I took my wedding rings off an said I will jot put them back on until I see a change.I just don’t think he will change. last November I had found nudes galore on our computer which seemed to bother me more than porn. I told him I was leaving an the next day his dad passed away. We worked things out at the time and he again promised me he would stop. I found it again today. I love him so much but hate him so much at the same time. Do I stay for us and our two hoys?? Idk…. anymore… I feel so ugly unattractive and not sexy at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated…. thank you…
Hi Mandy,
Many wouldn’t blame you for ditching your husband and running from all of this, but you’re no fool if you stick it out a while longer to see if a real transformation can happen. It is possible, and for the sake of your marriage vows, your husband, your kids, and your own heart, it is worth trying.
The real question is where you can go from here. In part 3 of this series, Ella answers the question, “Is there hope? Can a man like this change?” Ella writes, “I recommend that you take some time to come up with some clear, firm boundaries for your marriage. While this may not result in the desired outcome, it is worth it to put in the effort. At the very least, this is a first step toward helping you get to a place where you can make an informed decision about the direction for your relationship.” She then outlines what some of those boundaries could be.
Your husband likely needs some help with this. Porn can sink its teeth deep into a person the same way drugs and alcohol can (in fact, the same neurochemicals are activated watching porn, meaning that it has a similar addictive nature). Many guys don’t quit this by sheer willpower. Our free book, The Porn Circuit, talks a lot about this. Feel free to point your husband toward us as a resource. We’d love to help him. But just remember, you cannot do the hard work for him. He must be the one to own his wrongdoings and make steps to change.
Hi, I met this wonderful guy about 6 months ago. In the beginning he wanted to have sex often but not romantic love making, he wanted to try different position like porn he said, claimed he love me but after 3 months into the relationship all sex stop. We had no sex in the last 3 months, when i go see him we would cuddle and sleep, sometimes i feel his erection but he makes no effort to start anything., i tried kissing him to turn him on but still nothing. Am so hearth broken and i am positive its porn cause he mention once that he watches porn and masturbate
Certainly, porn can be a big factor in this. Do you have any evidence that he continues to use pornography?
I’m just so broken, this has been an ongoing battle for 6 long years. I don’t even cry anymore because I’m so fed up. I now find my husband watching gay porn, transgendered porn, rape porn, and the list goes on and on. He has apologized and promised to stop so many times I’ve lost count. I don’t know what else to do but leave. Its like he doesn’t care at all. Leaving seems to be my only option, maybe that will open his eyes. He doesn’t even come to bed with me because he’s to busy watching porn, we haven’t had sex in weeks. I’m tired of yelling, fussing, feeling worthless, crying, and down about myself.
Leaving him is an option, but I would first recommend deliberate separation as a means to help him to see the seriousness of his wrongdoing. He needs to know that he is pushing you away. Divorce is an ugly thing, so don’t be too quick to go there. I’m so sorry to hear about what he’s been doing, especially since his fetishes are so harmful to you, your marriage, his mind…and to the women in those films who are being brutalized.
Do you have anyone you can speak to about these things face to face? It is so important for you to have a lot of support right now.
Polly, have never reached that point, but my heart and prayers go out to you. I will pray for your husband. Porn is the devils bait to tempt men. I feel the lowest I have ever felt after reading yours and others posts. I WILL NEVER look at the poison again. I swear to you, everyone here and most of all God.
Will he read the comments here? They have had a life changing effect on my heart.
Lord, I am so very sorry. I am such a POS. I pray for forgiveness for the hurt I have caused women. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I ask God to forgive me and I ask all I have hurt to forgive me. I feel so low, but I realize I should feel ashamed, very ashamed.
Stay strong, brother, and rejoice in the fact that God has already forgiven you.
My fiance and I are getting married in a week. I have worked with him with so many things, not just porn. I know he had an issue with it before he met me, as he used to be the ‘provider’ of porn to his buddies in high school and college. I also had a problem with it. I hadn’t been in a relationship, so it was a good way of a ‘release’ for myself. After about a month or two of going out, I had stopped watching it, as my needs were being meted by my new partner. I’ve never had an issue with the past of bf’s watching porn, or at least I didn’t know about it. So nothing ever came up.
Then I start to get viruses on my computer, and he is spending the night all the time. This never happened with my computer before. About after a year and a half of being with him, I noticed he had a porn addiction. He had magazines and hundreds of videos in his room. I had him delete everything on the computer, and he tossed the magazines and videos. I thought that it was over with. We then move in together (in his mothers house) since I had been kicked out of my own home and had no where to go. We get a new car, I get a great new job, and we are doing well.
I start to find all those videos that he told me he deleted. He just put them on a hard drive, and plugged it in when he wanted to use it. He hasn’t been working for most of the time that we’ve been together since he was wrongly accused of something (This is another issue all in itself).
He is also Mexican, and was raised in a household where the women do everything, and the man is waited on. (Another issue we have been dealing with).
I have gave him ultimatums saying that if he didn’t stop looking at porn, that we would take a break and I would move out and live in my car if I had to. He doesn’t want to lose me so he says he will stop. He has said he will stop at least 3 times, and we have a god cry because he is ashamed and sorry that he hurt me.
He hasn’t watched porn from what I can tell in the last month and a half. but then I go through the history on the ‘iPad’ and it shows he has been looking up girls on Twitter. This makes me feel like he is ‘shopping’ for other women when they are on his profile.
I feel no love when we have sex. In fact I would call it just that, sex. He claims to have ‘erectile dysfunction’ because he can’t keep it up for long. He has to stay a consistent ‘motion’ in order for him to finish. He gets angry when he isnt able to stay hard, and sometimes accidentally directs that anger towards me (Not in a physical way). He never advances on me anymore, and he is making me feel worthless and ugly.
Before I knew he had a problem, he wanted to get a loan to start a porn business since there’s big money to be made in that business, so he says. I thought about it, since he wasn’t working and it was something he could do with his time. He called my mother and asked if he could borrow her camera (I did not know of this), he went over to her house while her bf was at work, and told him he wanted to borrow the camera to take some pictures of girls to look into doing this porn website. Now this is where the story gets tricky. My mom said that my fiance asked her to pose in lingerie so we have something to start out with. My mother is a bit heavy set, and my fiance said that she OFFERED to pose in lingerie to help us start out. I haven’t been able to look at my mother the same way and have found myself starting a fight with her whenever we speak because I haven’t forgiven her.
I have finally started to feel comfortable with having sex with my fiance again but its not the same.
I love him and want to forgive him. How do I help him with this? Please someone help! I am 24, he is 26, we are still young and have our whole life ahead of us. I don’t want to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
My immediate instinct is to tell you to cut your losses and leave him, given his behavior toward your mother. (Out of respect for you, if he asked, he shouldn’t have done so; and if she offered, he should have refused.)
However, if you truly do believe he’s repentant and is trying to quit, the next step is to get information to help him break free from what sounds like a full addiction. And remember: addiction is an actual biological and neurological response to a stimulus. He has trained his brain to require porn. He WILL go through withdrawal symptoms. In fact, erectile dysfunction is a common result of porn use. Basically, he’s been training his brain to require thousands of women to be turned on, and you can’t compete.
The information he needs, then, is the sort that will explain what porn is doing to him, as well as how to detox. You can get a lot of that information in our e-book The Porn Circuit, and he would probably benefit from the community support from Reddit’s NoFap group as well.
You may also want to set up reports for his Internet use through accountability software. It’s not spyware he should know that his Internet use is being monitored, and ideally he should willingly volunteer to have it monitored. These reports should go to someone you both trust to address the heart of his porn use, like triggers that cause him to turn to porn instead of, say, talking to you about his problems. You may also want to receive his reports yourself. It will hurt when you see him turning to porn – and remember, he’s addicted so he almost certainly will – but knowing that you will know when he views porn may help break the temptation to look at it in the first place.
(As part of Internet Accountability, make sure you replace Safari on his iPad with a monitored browser, and then lock it down so he can’t install apps without your permission.)
Either way, I highly, highly, highly recommend that you postpone the wedding until you get this sorted out. I’m sure that sounds painful (and probably expensive), especially since you’re hoping things turn out well, but postponing it is still cheaper than a potential divorce.
I totally agree with Lisa on this one: Call off the wedding (for now). I have had similar struggles and I promise you, what a guy like this needs is for you to keep the standards high, forgive him as much as you are able (and then some more), but be uncompromising in your commitment to having this out of his life before you move forward. It’s suicide to do anything else. I would also stop having sex with him.
This is not meanness on your part. It is deep kindness.
I have been with my partner for 8yrs and been married for 2 and we have a 1yr boy.
We are both around 30. When I first met my partner, I never knew how bad his addiction was, and don’t think it was as bad as it is now. Like any typical male I thought it was normal to have you know the dirty Calendar in the shed, buys a zoo magazine, gets the odd dirty email from mates etc.
But It wasn’t till a few years being together I think it all got worse. I caught him watching porn. I left for work and had forgotten something then ducked back into the house but he didn’t see me and gave him a fright and was quick to turn it off, and asked him what he was doing and his reply was nothing. and I got really upset and thought I wasn’t good enough for him, but he thinks it ok and normal for guys to do this. So I was angry and upset for a bit but got over it thinking he would stop, but it never ended there caught him again, and also all the history on the Internet, then he learnt how to clear that when I found out how else he was doing it.
We never have a problem doing it or him getting hard etc, he more has a problem With PE. Not lasting very long. So he gets upset with that but I’ve told him that it doesn’t worry me, I married u for who you are and don’t get down on yourself as many men have this problem.
He says he is doing this because of that, but that is just a lie he has a addiction that he will never get over, I don’t think as we have ended up in many heated arguments about me finding this rubbish and it has to stop or I’m out. But When you come home and find a piece of paper with girls names on it/porn names and then google it then find that rubbish on it I believe he has got a problem, anyone who has time to do this has a problem.
He doesn’t realise how much it hurts me to think that I’m worthless and why am I even in his life if he doesn’t even need me or to be evenlooking at all those women, when he has me. He is loving and caring but has this side to him that i dont like. When I think things are going good and hasn’t been doing it, then bam slaps me back in the face.
I nearly find it hard to even have sex with him after finding all this. Then he thinks I never want to do it with him.
I always treat it as he is cheating on me. All I want is for him to do is stop going out of his way to look at that filth. Does he have a problem or is it just me. He knows I hate it and how upset I get when I do find out he’s doing it, but he doesn’t see the wrong side of this, and still manages to always go back looking at it when I’m out or go to bed early.
What your husband might be experiencing is the effects of his porn use on his body. It is very common. Porn is emasculating. It hijacks a person’s brain chemistry, literally reteaching their brain how to respond to sexual stimuli. If you husband wants to get his libido back, he might want to read this e-book about porn addiction and how it kills marital intimacy.
Do what im going to do change the password and he only uses it when im around
I’ve had problems with my husbands addiction to pornafter a long time of being addicted i found out and it’s ruining our married I’ve left him but we’re still trying to workthis out I’m scared because he says that images flash inhis head andheclaimsthey become so strong till he watches it he’s told me sometimes he watches it with and without a sexually desire.. where do we go from here? how can i trust him ever? whydoeshehaveflashes ofthisCrap?
Hi Carolyn,
The longer a person subjects himself to pornography, the more changes take place in his brain. It is very much like a drug addiction: he’s literally become addicted to his own neurochemistry. He experiences a tremendous high from watching the porn, then a crash, and each time the crash gets worse and worse. Finally, he’s no longer watching porn to feel good, but just to feel normal. When your husband says he just watches without any sexual desire, this is probably what he’s referring to.
The flashbacks are the images of years of porn etched on his mind. Watching porn leaves deep impressions in the mind, so flashbacks are expected.
How can you trust him again? Two things need to happen. First, he needs to be willing to change the way he lives so that he exhibits trustworthy behavior. Second, you have to be willing to let him build a track record of trustworthy behavior. This post talks about this some.
he’s gotten as desperate as watching it on YouTube googling pictures and using Facebook tolookup naked girls
Has he been trying to make strides to stop watching? What has he done to change his behavior?
Idk he’s still in his clean up my mess phase so it’s hard to tell he quit using his phone and computer but there’s still a million ways he can view it. as far as the flashes go what’s up with that?
Images of porn carve deep ruts in the mind because of the flow of neurchemicals. It is very common for people who have seen porn have vivid flashbacks.
that’s crazy thankyou for your help..
What about him looking up images? not even videos but sometimes images
While video pornography impacts the brain the most, still images also arouse the same lustful thoughts.
it bothers me so bad that i don’twanna have sex because he’s made me uncomfortable.. does he see this while we’re intimate or whenever he’s horny?
is it bad for him to the same naked vivid image flashes of me?
You’d have to ask him what his experiences are regarding this.
Certainly, because you are his wife, it is right and good for him to have sexual thoughts of you.
so if he’s having these flashbacks of me as well then those are ok? i just don’t like it because i don’twant to be mixed in with that Crap
It is right of you to not want to be mixed in with all of that. Flashbacks are part of his addiction. They can decrease if he works through his addiction.
Ok so should i ask him to reframe masterbastion all together?
Thank you so much for all your help
It would be good for him to refrain from masturbation altogether since it is so tied to his pornographic fantasies. He should focus, instead, on getting some good counseling and intimacy with you (sexual and non-sexual intimacy).
My husband is not a christian as I am. He sees no problem with porn, he thinks its natural. We have not been intimate for months and it was not satisfying for him or me. He is also addictet to drugs and alcohol. For years he blamed me for his lack of interest saying I didnt get him excited and always wanted me to perform oral sex on him which always made me feel dirty and used and then I still didnt get any sex. I have stopped allowing him to use me in that way as I became more aware it was not Gods intention for our relationship to be thatway. Im at the end of my tether. 23 years of marriage and im so lonely even though he is in my bed. We barely talk, he spends a good part of his life alone drinking getting high and watching porn. Please help me if you can.
Hi Desperate,
It sounds like you are at the end of a very long rope. It pains me to hear stories like this.
What have you done about setting clear boundaries regarding his use of porn? From the sounds of it, he would likely blow right through those boundaries anyway, but when we set clear boundaries it forces others to make a choice. I recommend you watch this video to learn more.
I would like to talk to someone, although I don’t use it anymore, I still need some help and I’m really suffering now that my wife and I are what she calls platonic. I fear everyday that I can’t repair anything and she doesn’t care how much I say I love her anymore.
Hi Charlie,
Start by asking her what rebuilding trust looks like to her. It is great that you say you love her, but actions speak louder than words. Perhaps there is something she still needs to see from you that would help convince her you are really changing.
It is possible, at this point, that your wife is unwilling to trust you regardless of what you do. After you have explored everything you can do on your end, you might suggest to her that you both need to go to marital counseling. Having a platonic marriage isn’t healthy.
I’ve being in a relationship for a year now. He was the perfect man all that I have ever prayed for. He is number 3 (since my divorce over 5 yrs) and have met him on a dating site… Funny enough I realised that all 3 off them are addicted to porn. I just didn’t think that the 3rd one will be into it as he is a Christian and even plays in the church band every Sunday. We do not miss a sermon or heaven forbid you start to eat before you have said grace. We’ve talked about porn and other sexual things and it was a definite no-no to him. He will never do it. I then listened to my gut feel a few months ago…and saw he was still on the dating sites and watched porn. We talked about it and his excuse was he cant seem to stop the invites etc and porn sites to open on his computer whenever he does some search as it has infected his laptop. I believed him, but did research and found he lied …anyhow I left it as I really love this man. Then I caught him out for the 5th time but this time I managed to get the evidence first printed it out and confronted him. He confessed he’s being addicted to it even during his marriage – but he only did it as his wife did not please him and would not want to have sex. That drove him to the sites. I said to him that he is no longer with his wife and we have a healthy sex life why still do it. He could not give me an answer….but said he is willing to stop so that we can work on our relationship. I said I’m willing to help him and to stand by him. However I did more research and found that his wife knew all about these things and when I asked him when he confessed he said – he think she might have had some suspicion but never confronted him…well she actually did know and I found letters where she told him to choose…well he chose the sites that is why is divorced today – but I did not know that. Anyhow we still working on the relationship and I would share my feelings regularly on how I feel…he will agree and said that is why he stopped his addiction. Only to find once again that he went back on the sites again. Each time when it happens he will tell you some sort of lie… Anyhow yes I believe they lie a lot about it and it is very sad to think that whatever they say they will never stop with it. I even wrote a letter to our Pastor at church and he did a sermon on this topic…after church I asked what he think of the sermon…his response I didn’t really get a lot of the sermon as it was too hot in church to think and pay attention.
So make piece with it either you accept him for what he does and share him with that or you make a decision to leave him. They will never stop that nonsense. Even number 2 he is married now and even worse than when he was single.
Ladies yes I agree I also feel not pretty etc I also beat myself down but I realised it is not worth the fight – this is a competition that you not going to ever win.
So one would like to say build a bridge and get over it…well I’m working on this one now….got the plans for the bridge just need to start the building work… But fully knowing that I will never trust a man again…seems as if there is no more men out there with morals and values.
Hi Jacky,
Self-deception and deceiving others is what addicts do well. They lie to themselves all the time about the strength of their addiction. They lie to others all the time about the specifics.
You’ve been doing a lot of things right with your husband in this process, but it sounds like he lacks the self-control to change. What had he done to find accountability for this problem? Has he spoken with any of the leaders at the church to get counsel and mentoring? If he’s unwilling to talk about it with anyone else (except you) then he likely won’t be free of this.
If he’s looking for really good resource to help him and he’s willing to commit to it, tell him he should check out the False Love series by Christian counselor Brad Hambrick. It’s a free video series online. I recommend guys get together with a good, godly friend and watch this series together, helping one another to unearth the hidden motives that are driving the addiction.
There are men who stop. I am one of them. I know hundreds more. Change is possible because we worship a God who can do the impossible.
I am 36 years old and I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 20. We have been married for 15 years and I became aware of his pornography addiction our first year of marriage. He would stay up for hours at night on the computer and I would beg him to come to bed but that would only anger him and perpetuate the problem. I saw this as infidelity and confronted him. He denied it until I found a DVD and shattered it into pieces. My hurt feelings turned to anger and I entered into an affair with a coworker for six years until that coworker started having an affair with another coworker and that relationship ended. Almost immediately I found someone to replace him because of my anger with him and it then became a pattern and it was like I had been sucked into a sex addiction of my own. Over the years I have ignored my husband’s sex addiction and he has never confronted me about having affairs although he has made comments to me about having boyfriends. My sexual encounters with my husband over the years slowly became less and less and there have been periods of time that we have not had sex for several months. Neither of us confront the other about it but it is like a cancer in our relationship. I feel like I am trapped in a marriage that is a lie and I lie to myself that nothing is wrong or justify that what I do is ok because he pushed me to it. At the end of each day I hate myself and go through periods of deep depression and self loathing. I have read many of the stories shared on this site and I can relate to most all of them. What he and I are doing isn’t about sex or love… it is about addition and denial. When I met him he drank beer daily and that turned into drinking Scotch daily which then led me drinking a bottle of wine everyday. Just like the affairs I go through periods where I try to stop drinking but I come back to it. I know we both need serious counseling but I feel like it will end our relationship if we bring these things to the surface and it is much easier to try to suppress them. Which brings me to another skeleton in my closet. I was molested by my father as a child after my parents divorced and I have buried this secret for 23 years now and I tell myself that I am not damaged by it but once again I lie to myself because it is easier than dealing with the truth. My husband really wants children and at one point I did but between our relationship and my baggage from being molested I have convinced myself to not have children and that I don’t want children but it is the furthest thing from the truth. It is also breaking my marriage apart but both us coming from broken families and it is like we stay together because of it and because we have been together for so long that we don’t know anything else. I don’t want to divorce but I hate living in this dysfunction.
Hi Anonymous,
This story is heartbreaking to read. Such a seemingly endless cycle.
If you want a healthy marriage to this man, then of course, the other sexual partners have to stop. There is no reason (anger, revenge, loneliness, etc.) that justifies cheating on your husband, just as there no motive that justifies him looking at porn all the time.
That said, it is difficult to make a change like this when there are so many sweeping changes that have to take place in your marriage. This has to start with talking about the problem, raising the bar in your marriage and see what he thinks about it. He might laugh at the idea, but at least you know where he stands. From there, seeking out marriage counseling would be a great thing to do. Again, if he laughs at the idea, at least you know where he stands and you can find some wisdom for yourself to determine what you have to do next. Not to mention, receiving some counseling regarding your past of sex abuse would be good for you as well. I recommend the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors.
Hello everyone, I’m new to this site and I’m so glad I found it. I’ve read many of the stories and I find comfort in the fact that im not alone. My story is similar to many on here except that I’m not married. It’s been almost two years that I’ve been with my boyfriend. It started off great, we really connected. However, there was something wrong.. In our sex life. Each time we were intimate he would always make it a point to get me there never getting there himself. When I asked him about this, he confessed that he had been struggling with an addiction to porn. He said he used it as an escape from his previous marriage in which he was very unhappy. I tried being as understanding as possible, keeping in mind this was obviously something very difficult for him to reveal. He promised things would get better and that he really wanted to make it work. Soon after that I found out he was more involved in the porn than I ever imagined. He would even watch it at work. I also found pictures and videos on his phone. When confronted, he would always apologize and promise once again, that things would get better. That was almost two years ago. Well, recently it has been about four months he hasn’t engaged in it. I know this is true because he has always been honest about when he does it. I was once again disappointed and angry. I can’t help but visualize him sitting there watching those women and getting of with them, something he has never done with me. Also, In our society where sex is used to sell everything from cars to shampoo, I’m constantly reminded of it. In the beginning there were also times what he actually tried to say I didn’t do this or that in a certain way and if I did, maybe he would get there. I actually bought that knowing full well I’ve never had a problem. Now I realize its not me, However, because of my co -dependency issues, I’m finding it really difficult to end this because I’m ridiculed with guilt! He’s a great guy otherwise and I truly believe he loves me he has proven it in so many other ways. But for so long I put others and thier wants and needs before my own and so while I realize I must change the behavior, can’t shake the guilt at this moment. Any advice?
In my previous post I left out that he recently admitted to doing it after four months…
HI Maria,
The guilt you feel is common for women in your position. You are smart enough to know you haven’t caused his addiction to porn (he has chosen that himself). He has conditioned his mind to respond to a certain kind of sexual stimuli, and as a result he is basically impotent with you.
It sounds like he knows the porn is a problem, even if he justified it before as an escape from a bad marriage. He’s with you now, so his excuse for “escape” can’t be used anymore (not that it was truly justified before, he just thought it was). Now it is a habit that isn’t going away. For many men (and women) it is an addiction, and like all addictions, he needs help overcoming this. He can’t do it on his own.
It starts with him recognizing the grip porn has on his life and what it is robbing from him. Instead of giving you the pleasure of pleasing him, and instead of him reaching climax with the woman he loves, he is stuck turning to pixels on the screen. He has tried to stop but can’t. He should seek out help to break free of the cycle. He can find this help in a number of places (counselor, pastor, support group, etc.), but he has to take the initiative, swallow what pride he has, and admit he can’t do it alone.
As for you, he has harmed you with his constant porn use. You sound like a very understanding and supportive woman, which is great, but be careful this doesn’t turn into enablement. He needs to know that porn is costing him something in his relationship with you. Tell him this is something that has to go. Tell him you want the best for him, for you, for your sex lives.
Do might consider finding support for yourself as well. It is important you not neglect yourself in the midst of all of this.
Thank you so much Luke for your response. Can u believe he says he wants to end it! He wants to end it! He said he “tried”. Kep in mind, he attended two, mind you two counseling sessions! He didn’t even want to go, I pushed him to go! Instead of saying he will seek help, he says lets end it! I realize he’s not ready to let go of the addiction. Wow, to lose a relationship with someone who loves you over what? As you called it a pixel?! Going to take your advice focus on myself, I deserve better!
Sad, Maria. Sad. If he’s truly ending it with you, please take the time to recover from this yourself. Talk to someone who has some experience in this about how you feel. It will be therapeutic.
Hello,
I have been facing with my husband’s porn and sex addiction for 9 years. Obviously when we met, I didn’t know about his problem. After one year of marriage he cheated on me with one of his students, I found out and wanted to get a divorce but he said that he had this addiction. He has been in treatment for a while, then he stopped it saying that it wasn’t for him or the psychologist wasn’t good enough, etc (I guess there all were excuses).
Recently, I’ve been considering the possibility of a separation as he says that he thinks that his addiction went worse those years of being married to me. He said that one of his psychologist suggested that there´s something that it’s not working in our relationship that makes him continue into his addiction and makes it worse.
I would like to know if it is possible that a wife causes that this addition goes worse.
Thank you
Hi Confused,
I’m not exactly sure what the psychologist meant by this statement, but let me try to separate truth from lies.
First, his addiction is his own. It started before you met him. He allowed it to escalate. He is responsible for it.
Second, the idea that “there’s something that’s not working in your relationship” may be true, but it’s hardly a meaningful statement without some more clarity. Every couple has problems in their marriage. Every man and woman sins against his or her spouse. That’s a given. The question is how this may or may not play into his addiction.
It is true that stress in a relationship or a disconnect may exacerbate a man’s addiction, but only in the sense that stress or a desire for intimacy is a trigger for him. Let me be very clear here, because this can be easily misunderstood. A man might develop a habit that any time he is stressed or hurt or lonely or bored he turns to porn as an outlet. His job might be a source of those triggers. His friendships might be a source. His family might be a source. And yes…his marriage might be a source. However, the long term answer for him is not simply removing all potential sources of conflict in his life (he would have to go live in a cave somewhere if that were the case). Rather, the long term solution is learning to cope with life in new ways that don’t involve porn. If your marriage is a source of conflict or stress or some other negative emotion for him, the solution is not, “See, my wife’s the problem.” The solution is, “I am called now to be a man, to fight for my marriage to make it all it should be, and to recognize that any triggers that might be present in my relationship are really opportunities to choose a different path.”
I do think you both should work on your marriage as he is working on his recovery. That is very important. But he should never take the attitude that because his marriage isn’t what he wants, he looks at porn. His problems in marriage might be troubling to him, but nothing in a man’s life is an excuse to look at porn. Nothing.
Late last year i discovered that my husband was registered on a site where he was viewing escorts profiles, local to our area. He was buying photos and videos of them and claimed that he had never and would never contact any of them. Unfortunately i then discovered that he had an account on twitter which i knew nothing about. He was using this to follow porn stars, chat TV hosts, an escort website and other women who he found attractive! Also looking at his history i discovered that he had been viewing a lot of porn. The whole thing made my stomach churn and made me feel like i did not know who my husband really was! We have 2 children under 2 and since the birth of our first child our sex life has suffered. The thing is he rarely came on to me and there were times when i’d approach him and he would be unable to perform. I am not against porn but in my opinion there is a time and place for it. We had a good chat about things and he claimed that porn was not enough yo satisfy him which is why he started viewing escort sites. We decided to work on our relationship and our sex life improved a lot. I have now discovered that when he is in his office working alone he has been viewing porn- supposed to be working and viewing porn- not right in my opinion! This leads me to believe that he has a real problem with it? After what i discovered last year and the effect it had at the time, it shocks me that he is now viewing porn during work hours! He has also been erasing his web history to try and cover this up but has been forgetting to close the applications he has opened allowing me to view the content of what he’s been viewing. Advice needed!
Hi Emma,
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope your husband wakes up and smells the coffee: what’s he’s doing is hurting not just his libido but his marriage.
First, it is important to confront him about what you know. If this has been escalating behind your back, you need to talk to him again. He needs to know this will not stay hidden.
Second, you need to express how you really feel about this. (1) That this behavior makes you not trust him. (2) That this is being unfaithful to his wedding vows to “forsake all others” and you feel betrayed by it. (3) That you are willing to forgive him but he must earn your trust back with trustworthy behavior over time. (4) That you desire to rekindle the love in your marriage and be his only sexual satisfaction. (5) That one of the trustworthy behaviors he should begin doing is finding help for this problem. This is a very, very common compulsive and addictive pattern today among men and there is help available for this.
I recommend you download and read these free chapters from Dr. Doug Weiss’ books. Dr. Weiss partners with our company to get these chapters into people’s hands because he knows how many hurting marriages are out there.
I also highly recommend you begin taking care of your own heart in all of this. He may be the addict, but you are the victim. You need to be able to process this information and figure out some next steps. Download our free e-book for wives about this. We worked with numerous counselors to publish it.
I knew my husband viewed porn early in our marriage and figured he “dabbled: ocassionally. Well, last summer i discovered how much he dabbled. He’s been ordering porn videos and having them delivered to his office. A couple of the videos were beyond disgusting. They portrayed man on man and voyuerism. I searched the history on his computer and found some of the most raunchy sites. What made me curious was his behavior. He started saying things he’d never said before; telling he he’d like to know what it felt like to give a man oral sex, asking to watch me with another man, am I curious to know what it would be liek to have sex with a woman. It definitely put a spoiler on our sex life. When i approached him about his porn, he became very upset and unrepentent. He feels that it’s just a sexual curiosity and he would never do those things without me. Well, he’s already started by buying such videos. He claims that he’s in touch wiht his sexual sex and I’m the problem. Well, I’m not allowing myself or my sexual being to be bellited and berated by anyone. I have a pretty open mind about sex, but will not have sex with another man. I have no desire to experiment with a woman. I will not guide my husband to give a man oral sex. I no longer initiate sex. When he approaches me for sex, I feel it isn’t about me or us. It’s about his fantasies. It sickens me to have him touch me.Oh, and he told me that he will watch porn till the day he dies. How’s this for encouragment in saving our marriage? The betrayl I feel is 1000 fold. We been to marriage counseling more than a couple of times. Each step forward seems like 5 steps back. I’m considering divorce. I’m more important to me than a destructive addiction he won’t face.
Mine is not a reply, but a question..
Ive known a man for about 7 years, we met at work and sometimes worked along side each other. Never was birthdays ever brought up as he looks older then he is and I evidently aged soft. We had a attraction to each other but didnt really understand it as I was having problems with my soon o be X and very work concerned, always planning for my next job goal and career to implement the one we were doing with each other. I grew up a tomboy and have always worked nontraditional male industrial field jobs and have the body and hands to prove it. I was a lumber jack in my early years and then raised my children with a truck driving job. I always excelled in everything I ever dedicated myself to.
Unfortunately..with this came neglect of my body…not saying a slob with my appearance … But I had gained a few lbs around the mid section and back side, known as truckers belly…and dress for the job Im doing, ei steel toe boots
hair up in a hard hat and work clothes..No Days getting my nails done, no makeup, no hair primping… A natural feminine but tom boy look..
its been over a year since my x and I went our separate ways.
About After dating some in the fall this man and realized there is a attraction other then friendship. We started into a relationship and moving along moved in together with commitment. After all said and done in a conversation birthdays came up, and to our surprise Im 7 years his elder. It took a bit to get over this in my mind and morals and seemed to except it till now..
Most men are attracted to younger women and most split ups are caused by this attraction..with the age difference and him being a man who will be attracted to maybe as mush as 5 years less his age this gives me a 12 year disability gap..Ive found him peeking at soft porn and feeling guilty to quickly shut the page when I walk by..I laughed one day and told him there is nothing wrong with looking, its a normal thing as I post pics sometimes of men in towels, or fire men with no shirts, .. Lately ive found hes always on line looking at soft porn, its not a casual thing, he actually has sites and folders and searches for it…My laptop is in the living room and always open..his is in the spare bedroom and secret.
Heres is the problem.. I feel heart broken over the fact, I will never be able to compete with the hard bodies that pose for these pictures, most women cant..Ive had children and worked hard all my life..I have stretch marks, scars,jiggle rolls and hands no matter what like sand paper and at 52 naturally some sagging. With this and my age there is 2 strikes against me, next there is always a younger girl just waiting to become competition..I sometimes feel that he needs his porn to be with me as at night instead of being with me in our alone time he hides away on his computer..When hes not in there hes great, there are no problems what so ever as if we are meant to be together.. and yet I feel Hurt like he would prefer that or younger to me…Am..I setting myself up for heart break in the end where he will pursue or be tempted to leave for a a younger woman with a better body.? should I except this is a problem and end the relationship and move on before a horrible heart break..?
Im desperately seeking advice from anyone in a age difference relationship with soft porn involved.. as Im pretty sure of the risk and odds of heart ache with the age difference to begin with
Chrissie
Hi Chrissie,
Thanks for posting your question. First, I would say that many men don’t leave the women they are with to pursue someone younger and “prettier,” but some do. For most of the women I know in your situation, my biggest fear is not the man leaving, but that he stays and remains entrenched in porn.
Many men simply have grown to prefer porn fantasy to real sex. Other than the feeling of a warm body next to him, porn offers him something no woman can give him: unlimited variety, total control, and no worries about another person’s needs or feelings. This is a sad state of affairs, isn’t it? Porn is literally causing men to be impotent. For some men, they suffer from ED because of porn use. Others can’t reach climax unless their minds are filled with images of porn. These men have become slaves to their pornified sex drives. Very sad.
Aside from all of this, what makes porn truly wrong is that it commodifies men and women into objects. It trains others to see people as objects to be used, not people to be loved and honored.
If this is a concern to you (and I believe it should be), I would address this issue with him. Do you want to live with a man who doesn’t have eyes for you, a man who sneaks away to pleasure himself instead of spending his sexual energy pursuing you?
He needs to come to grips with his habit, acknowledge it as a problem, and make steps to quit.
I highly recommend you read, “7 Questions Wives of Porn Addicts Often Ask.”
I met my husband online 2.5 years ago and instantly clicked. I lived in Australia and he lived in the U.S. We spent time together but talked for hours every day. I have 2 children and we moved to the U.S and married in June 2013. He got a job working away and would be away for 2 weeks at a time. I initially found out his downloading of porn was before we got married due to excessive usage. I jokingly asked him how much porn he was downloading. He was upfront and said, because we had spent 12 months apart and that’s why he was downloading porn. I didn’t think too much about it because in my mind I would rather him look at porn then out with other women. A few months after we were married his usage was high again and again he never denied it but his behavour started to change the more I wanted to talk to him about it. He was using viagra with me and if he wasn’t wouldn’t last very long or couldn’t keep it up. I felt devastated, hurt, betrayed. He takes his phone into the bathroom with him. I found over 60 downloads of porn on his phone and I approached him about it. He didn’t deny anything until the next day we had a huge argument and asked to see his phone. He of course deleted everything. He was also searching for the filthiest pages on fb and when I approached him about that he would then change how he searched and would go onto one of his friends pages who had a massive amount of porn page likes so he would then go on them. I deleted this friend and blocked his friend. I’m at the point I don’t know who my husband is, from being blissfully in love to absolutely disgusted with him. I’m about to give him an ultimatum but don’t know how to approach it and be very straight up with where I’m at. I moved countries and uprooted my kids and changed my whole life for him. Feel completely lost and alone right now.
Sounds like an awful situation, Julie. What is so disheartening is that you may not have the support system you need (having moved from so far away) like other women might have.
First, I recommend you download and read this free book for women in your situation. It is excellent. It deals with a lot of common problems women face.
Well, even I was exposed to my husband’s addiction to porn and masturbation while I am pregnant. So its been nine months, my husband keeps on putting me off whenever I insist saying it will affect the baby. I accepted it as his concern for the baby and was happy with it. But then I was surprised when he refused to sleep with me and used to stay awake till late night saying he has lot of work to complete. I was innocent and believed him. But suddenly I woke up and saw him surfing porn and masturbating. And this has been a routine for him. I didn’t want to confront him and thought its his personal life. But then reduced physical intimacy, reduced eye contact and his disappearance alot of time he comes home late saying he out at work. And then his night routines. It is all disturbing me. I was always open to him and always fulfilled his desires but pregnancy has changed our relation. What do I do?
It sounds like both of you need to have a conversation about a few things. First, I would really want to know about his habit of looking at porn in the past: did he look at it before he was married? has he looked at it since you’ve been married? how often? Of course, if he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, he might deny any involvement with porn. Or it might be that the porn is a new or recent thing. hard to say unless he opens up about it.
Second, I would talk about ways you can explore sexual pleasure that don’t involve intercourse. Perhaps he is genuinely concerned about harming his baby, or perhaps he finds himself “turned off” by the idea of pregnancy (it is a common mental block for guys). You are not the turnoff, of course. You both just need to explore ways to pleasure each other and share intimate moments.
Let me know what happens as you two discuss these things.
Hi Luke,
So in reading your page and the following posts, I have having a huge array of emotions. I am 28 years old with a 1 year old son. I married the love of my life. We are two in the same and he treats me very well. I had a near death experience while pregnant and he was at my side every step of the way. I couldn’t have asked for better love and support. But my rosy life with my husband has a very sad side. I knew he looked at porn, but occationally I would wonder if it was an issue… then the lies started, broken promises ect. While getting up with our babe, I noticed it was 4am and he was still on the computer and had to get up before 7 for work. It started effecting his work as he would be late. I recently found him on a live video chat. He was meeting strangers online and using the web cams on top of the porn. I now see the severity of it. We have an appointment with a qualified councellor. I am just at a loss. Part of me still feels like this “I have a problem” is an easy way out. Maybe that sounds insensitive, but it’s how I feel. The impact this has had on my personal feeling is greater than I thought. This has created so many other issues in our marriage. (Too tired to help me with our son, or housework, or ANYTHING. I do EVERYTHING. pay bills, taxes, banking, insurance companies etc etc. he goes to work and that’s it.) If this is truly an addiction that he’s going to be battling the rest of his life… I don’t know if I have the strength to support him as well as deal with my own issues. As much as I can’t see my life without him. He’s an AMAZING father, and a good person….. I just don’t know what to do. Feeling so hopeless and discouraged.
I hear what you’re saying. What your husband has got himself into is nothing short of deplorable. This is something that has taken over his life, and he should feel ashamed of what he’s putting you through.
I completely understand the “addiction” or “I have a problem” label can be seen as a cop out, but remember, this is a chosen slavery. It’s like going to an AA meeting: yes, they talk about their alcoholism like a “disease” but you never get the sense in those meetings that this is meant as a cop-out. Far from it. People in those meetings feel the immense weight of their decisions and know they are culpable.
Unfortunately we live in a world where people like to segregate things: you are either a victim or a victimizer. The fact is, rarely is it always one or the other. Make no mistake: your husband is completely responsible for his actions and will be paying for his wrongdoings as a result, but at the same time, he has likely become addicted to something that is now beyond his control to crave. Like I said, it is a slavery, but it is a voluntary slavery.
The good news is, things can change. The reason why porn is addictive is because men (and women) are becoming addicted to the neurochemistry of their own brains. (This is, by the way, the same reason some drugs are addictive: they trick the brain into releasing large doses of is own neurochemicals.) But the brain is a very moldable organ. You can train your mind to get to a place where the cravings come less frequently and aren’t nearly as strong. (This article talks all about that change process.)
I personally hate the mentality of “once an addict, always an addict.” To some extent, it is true because it forces people to think from a place of humility, realizing that they should never let their guard down. But on the other hand, it can become an identity thing: some people never rise above that label of “porn addict.” I would much rather people say, “I’m a husband/father/man who is overcoming an addiction to porn.”
Most importantly, you need support for yourself. I encourage you to find someone to talk to about this just as your husband has. We have a free book for wives you can download right now that talks about some of this.
I have been 13 years living in hell because of my husband addiction. I saw myself reflec in each history that I read above . My head is telling me to run away, but my hart is bleeding because I love him so much . He is my husband the only man in my life . He is my son’s father and hero. And I am so afraid that he touch him in a different way … I can not trust him and I can’t live like that…. ! This is a silent torture.
I’m so sorry to hear this. Who have you spoken to about this? What have your conversations with your husband been like?
wtf I’ve just read?! o.O You’re all seriously ill! Here where I live, women are those who don’t want to have sex more usually with their husbands. That’s how EVERYTHING starts. Also, if you don’t attract him anymore, he will become a hunter. 2-3 pararel relationships and cheating on wife. But this only rarely happens as here women pay attention on their look, stay focused on their love life with their husband and don’t allow it to happen. Who allow it to happen, that he cheats on you, simply ask him what he want to do, does he wants to leave you and go with that younger or prettier or more sexual experienced women or stay with you. If he choose to stay. Well, you’ll need to change your behavior a lot! If nothing helps, deal with the life without sex at all.
Why do you assume the women here are unwilling to have sex with their husbands? Many of the women who comment here say their husband’s porn use started long before he was married.
Savabahudin you are 100% an IDIOT
I am so sick and tired of dealing with this issue in my marriage.
My husband’s porn usage has increased over our 14 years together, and he has been repulsing me more and more each year with these images. It is a cycle in our marriage– He looks at it, I discover it, he lies, finally admits it, gives a sad story, promises he won’t do it again, lays low for a bit, then the cycle begins again. It has increased and escalated to trolling girls on Facebook and Twitter, looking up/contacting exes, adult stores w/ booths, strip clubs, posts on numerous swinger sites, and who knows what else. No amount of monitoring, password
disclosing or pleas to stop hurting our marriage & family or threats that I’m leaving helps. He has become a bigger liar and only tries harder to deceive me. He has called me uptight (even though I had more experience and was more adventurous when we met), controlling (probably because I stop him from sitting around watching it 24/7) and cold (probably because it’s difficult to warm up to a lying, creep). The effect on me through the years has been that with each discovery, I am more and more turned off and unable to find him desirable. Our days go on and we are functioning dysfunctionals (if that makes sense). I am sad, hurt, angry, lonely, resentful. Now I cringe when he approaches me. I’m unable to forget the porn images and all of his other activity. Our sex has become almost nonexistent. The only reason I give in to his advances is because I need to feel loved sometimes, too. But I don’t. I feel unloved, betrayed and disrespected. I can’t bring myself to initiate. I have too much pride. I know all this fuels the cycle & his “I don’t get enough” excuse. But why, WHY would any woman feel attracted to a man who constantly looks at images that degrade, subjugate, disrespects and demoralizes women?
The titles alone are awful and insulting to us.
Ultimately, I have become DISGUSTED that this man I married, the father of my young daughter & son, is getting off on these images. I am revolted that he is contributing and condoning this using and abusing of women. I have a young daughter who is growing up in this world with all of these leering, jack-off men who think this is how to be intimate with a woman! She will… not might, but WILL have to deal with some a-hole trying to get her to do something with her body because he saw it on a porn site. Thanks for siding with them, Dad.
I. Am. SICK of it!!!
Yikes, what a rough place to be in!
My first suggestion is this: read Porn and Your Husband, which will give you tips for setting boundaries and taking next steps.
My second suggestion is, if you set a boundary, follow through with it. You say you’ve threatened to leave before…but he may have stopped believing you about it, since you’ve threatened it without following through. I’d suggest setting the boundary that he takes measurable steps to break free (such as installing blocking software, seeking professional counseling, etc.). If he doesn’t take those measurable steps, then take your kids and move out until he does. If it sounds harsh, it is…but it may also be the wake-up call he needs. (The e-book Hope After Porn will provide encouragement through this separation.)
Please note that going cold-turkey probably shouldn’t be a condition. It sounds like he’s escalated into a full-blown addiction, so just plain quitting will be nearly impossible for him. But if he really is trying to quit, even if he fails, he will be taking noticeable actions to try to quit (like handing over his Internet-enabled phone, etc.). So try to forgive the occasional failure while he’s in recovery…as long as he’s clearly trying to quit.
You also mentioned your young daughter. If you do seek to separate from your husband, try to train her in two things: (1) to love her dad in spite of his failures because he’s her dad and he loves her; and (2) that inappropriate behaviors, like watching porn, should not be tolerated. If she ever starts to date someone who tries to use her for her body, make sure she knows to dump him and seek someone who values her for who she is.
Hi. I’m in need of advice. My husband and I have been married for a year now. I found out about his porn addiction before we got married and it’s taken a tole on our relationship. I still find evidence of him looking at porn but he knows how to hide it well because I get really upset when I do find it. We argue about it a lot because it hurts my feelings . Why? We have a son and I’m just scared for the future. I know it will never stop. He lies to my face EVERYTIME about it. For months I tried to initiate intimacy and he always rejects me. When we do have sex I’m the one to ALWAYS initiate it. It hurts my feelings. Tremendously. And I try to hide how I feel because I can’t tell him because we will just get in an argument. I feel like he doesn’t care about how it makes me feel and that it’s crushing my self esteem. What do I do? Confronting him makes things worse because he just lies to me and we fight. He is also the kind of guy that looks at other women. He has an obsession with boobs, which I don’t have. I’ve even considered getting a boob job because he’s made me feel so insecure. And I don’t want that. I know he loves me and everything other than this in our marriage is great. I don’t get it. But I feel like I’m going to breakdown.
Hey Emily, wow, I wish you weren’t having to deal with this! But I’m glad you’re here and I hope we can help. I don’t know if you’ve poked around on the site here for resources much, but there’s a ton of good free stuff you can download and read through. Hope After Porn is one of my favorite resources, because it’s stories from other women who’ve gone through the tough stuff. It talks about different ways that different couples have handled boundaries and recovery.
It sounds like right now you guys are in a pretty typical cycle. He’s addicted, he hides it, you find it, you fight. I think we’ve all been, done, and got the ratty old t-shirt on that one. I understand that you feel like you’re going to break down. I did, and I can’t recommend it. So let me tell you what I wish I’d done differently.
1. I wish I had just gotten myself some help, immediately. I needed counseling. I needed a safe place to take all the anger and fear, and I needed someone to help me sort through what appropriate boundaries would be. I recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a good place to check for various types of Christian counselors, available throughout the country. You need support. There’s a free video series by Brad Hambrick that might be helpful to you as well. Ultimately, though, I think you need real, personal support.
2. I wish I’d had this article to pass along to my husband, that talks about practical steps and spiritual help toward recovery.
3. I wish I’d known that recovery from addiction is not just about good intentions and love. It sounds like your husband does love you–my husband does too. I thought that if he loved me like he said, he should just be able to quit. When he didn’t, it was so painful and shocking! But addiction is just not that easy. It’s a fight. It’s addiction. Part of it is breaking unhealthy habits, part of it is setting new healthy habits, part of it is a brain-chemistry re-set, part of it is personal healing, part of it is relating to God in new ways. Part of it is doing the right thing every day, and getting back up to try again when you fail. It’s a bunch of stuff. It’s a lot of work. And even with the best intentions, it’s hard. And relapse is part of recovery.
4. I wish I’d know that it CAN get better. This is not a death sentence, even though it feels like one right now. He has to be willing, and he has to do the work. But that CAN happen. He CAN make good choices. Of course, there are no guarantees, I won’t lie to you about that. He has to do the work! But it CAN get better.
Most of all, no matter what, God’s got you safe. His love won’t let you go.
Let me know if those resources help, and if you have other questions.
I’m dealing with this. Tonight. Again. For the last 8 years. Since we were just dating in our early 20s. Now we are 20 & 30. I don’t even know what to do. I left him tonight. Im out of options. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t deal with the lies any more. This is not the picture I planned.
Hey Alicia. I’m so sorry that it came to leaving, but sometimes that is a really healthy boundary to have, as hard and sad as it is. I don’t know if you found any of our resources on boundaries? Here’s the link to a free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the stories of four women and the choices they made on the journey toward healing. I think you might feel encouraged to know that other women have made hard choices like yours, and it wasn’t an end but instead a beginning. Here’s another article on boundaries. I’m proud of you for stepping up for yourself. That is where healing begins, at least for you. I hope your husband will step up for himself as well! Here’s an article that might help him understand what that could look like. Let me know if any of that is helpful, or if I could point you toward other resources. Just know you’re supported in the hard, healthy choices you have to make. We believe in boundaries here! And we also believe in hope and healing, because we’ve seen in happen in our own lives. Blessings, Kay
I have been married for 31 years. Rough marriage. Was beaten for the first 15 yrs on and off. He stopped that completely, so I stayed. A few years ago, he had an emotional affair online. Even planning the meeting place, then I saw it online and he felt bad but blamed me for the cheating. Long story short, I found out a few months ago he is looking at porn on the computer. We have a teenage boy in the house too. He told me to get a porn blocker on the computer and it would all stop. The blocker trial ran out and that very day he was on it again. He keeps telling me he knows it is wrong but does not want to go to counseling. He is angry all the time and yells at us constantly. He blames me for the porn cause I dont want much sex with him. Its hard to have sex with a man who has cheated with another woman and now is cheating with strangers online. He told me he has looked at porn since he was a teenager. I dont want to leave him, but Im at the end of my rope. He wont read any books, go to counseling, or talk to our preacher at church.
Wow, Marcia. You’ve really been through some hard stuff, and you’ve persevered through terrible things. I’m so, so sorry. It’s very sad when you come to that place of being out of options in your marriage. I agree it sounds like he’s not ready to make changes at this point, and that leaves you with some really tough choices to make. I wish I could tell you that if you made certain choices, that would FOR SURE get his attention and set him on the path to recovery, but it sounds like you’ve tried everything and then some.
Marcia, it really is good and healthy to have boundaries. A lot of women do find themselves at that final boundary of leaving. It’s not what any of us want, but that’s where we find ourselves sometimes. Sometimes leaving does provide the addict with motivation to change. Sometimes it doesn’t. We all wish for happy endings, but I know you know that we don’t always get them.
We’ve got a really popular free download called Hope After Porn. It’s the story of four different women and the boundaries they set along with way to recovery with their husbands. All those stories result in the reconciliation of the marriages, but along the way, nobody knew what would happen.
As I just look at all the things you’ve talked about here: the physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse–I just have to ask, do you have any local support in this? A counselor? A group? Who’s helping you through? We recommend the American Association of Christian Counselors as a place to search for a therapist in your area. However, a lot of people find help in groups like Celebrate Recovery–and if it comes down to it, Divorce Care. Those are both nation-wide, church-based groups that have solid reputations.
Let me know if any of that is helpful to you, and what other resources we might provide for you.
So what do you do when internet porn is not the only thing being looked at? How are you supposed to monitor magazines? They are easily purchased with cash and then can be hidden or even thrown out. This has been an issue in my marriage.
Oh, good question, Nancy. I think maybe this is a broader question of boundaries. Here’s an article that explains more about boundaries. The reality is, we just can’t control everything, and it’s not even our job to be in control of our husband’s choices. It’s really HIS choice to be in charge of his own recovery. If he’s not willing to make good choices, then we’re left having to decide what we’ll do in response: what will our boundaries be? That’s a very personal line to draw, and women make all sorts of choices about that. One of our most popular (free!) downloads is Hope After Porn, and one of the things I really like about that book is that it describes how different women handled their own boundary choices. Let me know what you think! Kay
I married my long time boyfriend two months ago. We are both in our twenties, in shape, happy, and our sex was great. It’s has never been slow, we’ve never had dry spells. This is why I was shocked to find out about his porn addiction only a few days ago. The worst part is, it’s not just porn, it’s sleezy hook up sites. He swears he only uses the sites for pictures, but with porn being so readily available and free, why go to a dating site for it? We have no children, no joint ownership of anything, and I’m wanting to leave because I’m worried it will never get better. He is already getting help (talking with his pastor, signing up for support groups, making appointments with a therapist) but I’m worried that it will all go back to normal. What quality of marriage will I have when suspicion is always lurking in my mind? How can I know he’s home alone and trust that he isn’t masturbating to other women? How can I compete with the kind of dirty things he finds online? Do I stand strong and suffer through it or cut ties and run like my hair is on fire? Somebody, please help.
Hey Meredith, I’m really glad you wrote in. First of all, I want to tell you that pornography addiction does not have to be the end of your marriage. He absolutely CAN get better, and he absolutely CAN be trustworthy again. That’s going to be up to him in large part, what he does, how he takes responsibility. What you’re telling me about his choices right now sounds really, really good. Pretty much right on the money for a best-case scenario, honestly.
If he hasn’t already, he needs to sign up for Covenant Eyes monitoring software and get some accountability partners. That will really help put your mind at ease as to what’s going on when you’re not right there looking over his shoulder. It will also give him some much-needed support to keep up his good intentions.
Here’s the thing: you can trust him when he is trustworthy. If he does the work, it’s okay to trust him again. That will take time! It will take time for him to show you he is trustworthy, and it will take time for you to understand what he’s doing, and feel safe again. But it can happen. It can. Here’s an article I wrote just a few weeks ago in response to someone in fairly similar circumstances to yours. The headline is about dating, but I think it might fit.
I would be really hesitant to run with the hair on fire at this point, honestly. Here’s the sad truth: pornography use is, unfortunately, so very, very common. I think as women we are just not well prepared to deal with it, but deal with it we must. It’s our reality now. Guys have to learn how to handle this–and SO DO WE.
My husband was addicted to porn for several years, and my reaction was much like yours: widespread panic. But–he wanted to get well. So he did. And both of us will tell you that our marriage is much better now, after dealing with this together, than it was before pornography ever happened to us. Very weird, I know, but God does things like that. I’ve written about that here on Covenant Eyes, but I also have my own blog and I just released a memoir this week.
I hope some of that might be helpful to you. Let me know what else I can do for you. Blessings, Kay
Even if my husband is already under an online porn addiction therapy program called GreatnessAhead I still find this article very enlightening and informational. I’ve been seeing the improvements in controlling his urges as well as his intimacy but everytime I contemplate on the things that have happened, especially when we were still starting to battle with his addiction, I’ve realized that it was the greatest ordeal of my life. I believe that support and utmost understanding, as well as getting equipped with porn addiction knowledge will definitely help. Thanks for this article, helpful to me and to those who are putting their gamefaces on to fight porn addiction! :)
Hey Brittany, I’m so glad this helps! And you’re right, this is a huge ordeal for women in marriage these days. In fact, a lot of women fit the criteria for PTSD when they’re dealing with this. Having said that, I hope you’re getting all the support you need in this battle? People around you who can love you and walk you through? I’m just asking because I think that, even though this is so incredibly common, it can still be very difficult to talk about. We still seem to have a lot of silence and stigma around it. So, I’m glad your husband is getting help and getting better. I just want to make sure that you are, too. If you ever think you need someone to talk to, and there doesn’t seem to be that person in your life, I’d recommend checking at the American Association of Christian Counselors for a therapist in your area. Blessings on your journey–Kay
I have been married for 10 years now and have battled porn addiction the whole time. I feel terrible how it has made my wife feel. I literally feel ashamed and worthless after I watch it. I was exposed to sex at a very young age and I think it has really hampered my ability to truly connect during sex. I basically use my wife like a sex doll. We have now not had sex in 5 years and to be honest with you I think I would be too ashamed and embarrassed to go through with it even though she keeps making mention that she wants to start having sex again. It has totally destroyed my life and my chances of a life of a loving relationship I am almost in tears as I write this. I almost want my wife to find someone that can make her happy and I this addiction has even gotten to the point that I have contemplated suicide so that I can just let her move on. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you are all going through since I am putting my gorgeous wife through the same thing. I am almost in tears as I write this.
Hey Clem. I’m a counselor, so let me give you just a bit of feedback on your post here.
IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.
You feel terrible, you feel ashamed and worthless, you’re too embarrassed to have sex even though she wants to, it’s destroyed your life, you’re almost in tears.
And that self-focus is not surprising, given what we know about how pornography addiction impacts the brain. You view porn a whole bunch, and this is what happens: it’s all about you.
Here’s what can happen when you stop spending all your time in the self-indulgent pursuit of porn and start living like a real, connected person again: your brain can heal.
It will take time, for sure. And that whole time you’ve got to stop focusing on yourself, and instead lay down your life for your wife and for the relationship. Invite her to talk about how this has impacted her, and just listen. Don’t talk about how bad you feel. Just listen to her. Pay attention to her ALL THE TIME, not just around sex. Think about what she needs, what she wants, how she feels.
As much time and attention as you’ve paid to porn throughout the course of your marriage, PAY THAT MUCH TIME AND ATTENTION TO YOUR WIFE. And see if the healing can begin.
After reading all these comments of what other women our going through, it is giving me some form of relief, that there are other women out there, who see how disgusting and not normal porn is. Porn is just an unacceptable thing to me.
I’ve been with my partner for 8 years. I first discovered him looking at pornographic sites on his computer at work, one month after our child was born. I was completely taken by surprise. When I confronted him, his reaction firstly was ‘boys will be boys’, and he was just having a laugh with the guys. When he realised how serious and unacceptable this was to be, he made the excuse that he was given a new hard drive at work and he came across a lot of porn and was curious. This almost destroyed our relationship, but he swore to me, he would never look at anything like that again. I decided to forgive him. This caused a lot of distrust in our relationship over the next year or two. Over the months, I would find post it notes with porn sites he had hand written, or business cards for sexual parties. I confronted him, and he always had such good excuses. During our first year we had great sex, all the time, even during pregnancy. Obviously from 7 months, I was too big, and we stopped having sex for a while.
Within 3 months of our son being born, we had lots of great sex, even more experimental than our first year. Then there came a point where sex was getting uncomfortable for me. I took the contraceptive pill for 14 months, after our son was born. My body went downhill after taking this. I was still horny but, sometimes it would be so painful and other times it would be fine. Over the next year or two, our sex life was very up and down. Sometimes it would be explosive and adventurous and other times, we would not have sex for weeks on end. My sexual libido slowly started to die. 4 years ago, I discovered I was suffering from an illness, which was the root to my low libido, vaginal dryness, tiredness etc. I soon discovered he had been looking, at porn sites again. For how long he had been doing this, I have no idea. I was over the searching his pockets, computer etc. I had begun to trust him again. Finding this out left me completely distraught, I had previously told him I would never forgive him, if he did anything like this again. As I loved him so much, and so wanted to believe he would stop, I forgave him again. He again promised me he would never ever look at porn again. After hiding the laptop from him every day, and occasionally checking his phone and pockets, and questioning him. It took me a year to finally feel normal again and stop doing these things. Time went by, our sex life was not great. It was still on and off.
Then last year, I discovered again he’d been looking at obscene videos. Random videos, of people doing it in public, obscene, disturbing material. This time, I was even more in shock, as I felt like I really knew him, after 7 years. Boy was I wrong.
Yesterday, I found out he has been viewing lesbian porn movies on a phone, which he no longer uses, and keeps switched off in his draw. This time round, I feel absolutely lost. Firstly, because, I really thought we were over those chapters. I feel distraught, as he is living a secret life behind my back, and he is seriously lying to me. When I question him, he still continued to lie to me, even though I’m giving him the chance to tell me everything. I don’t know if it’s the disrespect that hurts me most, as he knows how against porn I am. Or is it the lies, or the secrets. Or am I just hurting because he tells me, he only has eyes for me. Yet he is mentally cheating on me. I trust that he has not physically cheated on me over the years, but to me, getting your rocks off (letting go of his frustrations) to other women doing degrading things, is cheating in my eyes. I feel numb this time around. I’m confused, if I can continue my life with him. I love him, I can’t imagine my life without him, but I can’t put up with this. How often he does it, I really don’t know, but whether its 4 or 40 times, there is a problem there. How will I ever trust him ever again. How will I ever look at him the same way again. By me forgiving him again, am I setting myself up for a life of this. This has left me at a crossroads, and I’m stuck, not knowing which way to turn!
Hi Carla, thanks for sharing all this. Wow, what a roller coaster of pain you’ve been on. And it sounds like your husband is on a roller coaster of his own, too. He has a lot of work to do, if he wants to get off the addiction ride. I don’t know what steps he might have taken in the past, but here’s an article you could pass along with some ideas for him, if he’s willing to consider them. He might benefit from a Sex Addicts Anonymous group, as well.
Have you seen our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s the stories of four different women and the choices they made in their marriages, on the road to healing. One of the things these four stories all have in common is the idea of boundaries.
Just like you’re discovering, loving and forgiving are just not enough sometimes, and trusting someone who isn’t trustworthy yet is not a great idea! I wrote an article recently about boundaries in dating, but I think it applies to any relationship. You have to know that he’s doing his part before you can consider trusting him again.
I think that if you just “forgive” without any accountability on his part, and no boundaries on your part then yes, you’re setting yourself up for a life of this. There isn’t one right thing to do next. Just hard choices to consider. I hope that Hope After Porn helps you feel less alone as you make those courageous choices!
Blessings and peace–Kay
Here are lots of testimonials about the GREAT benefits of quitting porn and masturbation, this is a MUST-READ : http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.BENEFITS.pdf
Reading your stories I feel like so many of you are me. I have been with my Husband for over 9 years. We have kids. His use of porn has made a huge impacted on our marriage. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. Over the years technology has advanced. With that his addiction has grown. In the beginning we had sex a lot. Then slowly over the it declined. Then a few years ago sex pretty much was the last thing he wanted. I have a high sex drive so this is a major problem sexually. I have begged for sex. I have dressed up. I have talked to him about fantasies. I have literally done anything and everything to get him to want me. at least for the first few years of the i don’t want sex don’t touch me. I put an internet tracking device on his phone. I did this so I would know if porn was the real issue. He drives truck (truck driver) so he has all the privacy he needs. I learned that the situation was a lot worse then I thought. I learned that he was not only watching porn but also listening to audio porn where stories are read. I learned that porn had consumed his life. He was leaving the house where I was willing and begging for sex. He would leave and within minutes be on porn sites. at the time i put the internet tracking device on his phone i put gps call text you name it if he did it on the phone i knew. Gps showed that after leaving the house about 35 to 45 minutes later he would stop. I would then access the speaker on his phone and turn his phone into a listening device so I soon discovered he was a compulsively masturbating.He was even stopping two minutes from our house on his way home to again watch porn and masturbate. He always told me he didn’t have a sex drive. Then I asked my self how can he not have a sex drive but have a masturbation drive. Also the things he was watching freaked me out. his history showed that he mostly watched incest videos. mother daughter, brother sister, mom son, aunt cousins any any every combination you can think of. any the history showed that that was the search he was typing in. then the other shocker was gay porn men on men. lets just put it this way he is still doing all that stuff. when i confronted him he said it is normal when people have been together as long as we have that what they do. He has blamed m. He has never admitted that he has a problem. So now we are going through a divorce. also when we did have sex it was only when porn was involved meaning he laid next to me and watched it on his phone. (never gay or incest) or porn was on the tv. During these years i battled a lot with depression I gained a lot of weight because i stopped caring then I lost the weight when he still didn’t touch me I fell into a deep depression a gained a lot of weight. I felt ugly unattractive fat i felt that it didn’t matter what i tried what i wore i was to ugly nothing would help i felt that i was so unattractive that he had to have the porn because I wasn’t good enough. I blamed myself.When I looked in the mirror I never saw beauty. People have always told me I was beautiful and strange men have always payed attention to me. but none of that mattered because the man at home never cared. and now that i’m not living that life any longer. I have started taking care of me mentally and physically. I have vowed to never let another man ever control my life in that way. Yes i’m single now. But i’m still having as much sex now as I was married which is none. But that is okay with me. because I know that the world is full of possibilities now. I look in the mirror now and I see beauty I see the woman I haven’t acknowledged in years. I see me for who i am.I have joined a gym and that has made a large difference its a great way to relieve stress. I know for me leaving was the only option. And now I’m happy and full of life.
Patricia, I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve suffered through, and the terrible disappointments. I’m sorry that your ex’s choices had such devastating consequences for you. And I’m sorry that he couldn’t see what was happening and work on his issues. It sounds like he’s on a dangerous path. It’s sad when leaving is your only option, but I’m glad you were able to make that choice for yourself. I hope that being out of that toxic situation, you’ll continue to heal and grow. If you ever find yourself in need of more help and support, know that there are groups available throughout the country, like Divorce Care, and also counselors available through the American Association of Christian Counselors. Blessings on your journey of healing! Kay
Your story is my life…which is sad. But I would love to know the tracking device that you used to put on his phone. I am desperate for hard evidence because like you my husband blames ME. Thank you so much.
Hey Jane, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I wonder if some of the stories in Hope After Porn might be helpful to you, as you consider a way forward? I hope you have a local support system, like family, friends, or maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery? I think it’s so healing to have other people to help you through hard times. Blessings on your journey, Kay
I am in the opposite situation to most talked through the comments so I hope some women (or men) can help me how to move forward.
I was caught about 6 months ago watching porn and masturbating. I stop since then and things have been a lot better in our home however one of the things that we struggle with is my wife’s desire and availability to have sex.
Some weeks we would have sex three times some times one or none.
This inconstancy is killing me, I try to tell my wife how beautiful she is and how attractive she is to me however that seems to make her feel bad and put her off. We even have had conversations about me taking up masturbation again so that I am not looking for her for sex all the time. Personally since I stopped I want nothing to do with masturbation or pornography since my wife fulfill all my needs something I took for granted before.
I don’t want to bother her constantly about sex so I have considered as well, just last night we were talking about how bad I get when I beg for sex which I am going to be hones but I have asked to have sex for 4 days now and I agree it is begging.
I have tried to change who I am, being cooperative at home, listen more, read more about how to make our marriage better, pray…
Is there hope for me? Will I be the guy who would always beg for sex until it drives both of us crazy?
I love my wife and the fact that I am hurting her with my sexual desires doesn’t make me feel like I am the man I should be. To put into perspective how bad I was at one point. I would masturbate in the morning, afternoon, and then have sex with my wife at night. All that is gone and now I am relying on when my wife is available. Is it unfair for me to ask of my wife to have sex more often than she desires? Is it ok for me to use masturbation while we go through this period in our lives? If you are a woman what could I do to ensure I have given up everything I used to do for you and that rejection affects me?
Ronald, I really appreciate your honesty here and your willingness to speak up about what’s going on in your process. Here’s what hits me, though, as I read this, and I’m going to be brutally honest: THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU. What YOU want, what YOU need. Telling your wife how beautiful she is, and being cooperative around the house, is all about YOU getting what you want: more sex. I don’t read any empathy or understanding for your wife as a person and a partner in your relationship. She seems to be just an outlet for your sexual needs, and what she wants, needs, or feels doesn’t seem to matter to you much at all.
This is exactly how the sex industry treats women: as a commodity. Marriage is not a commodity exchange. It’s a relationship with another person.
Here’s the goal to work toward: a real relationship with your wife, not just an exchange of nice behavior in return for sex.
As a counselor, this reads to me like you’re very addicted to your sexual behaviors. I think Sex Addicts Anonymous could be a very helpful place for you to work through your own responsibility for your sexuality, rather than expecting your wife to take care of this for you.
Blessings on your journey, Kay
Ronald,
I have an idea…..why don’t you STOP asking your wife for sex. That is a huge turnoff and you will get no where. How about treating your wife like the lady that she is. Help with dishes after dinner and when you two go to sit and watch tv, try caressing her on her back or rub her feet or a hand massage or brush her hair. The worst thing you can do ( other than porn and masturbation ) is ASK or BEG for sex.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for your reminder, I do some of those things when I am allowed. Meaning that our relationship is at a state where even touching is at a minimal to her request not mine. There are other items that I do on a daily basis besides the dishes to help aliviate her burden. I also don’t want you to think that I just flat out say “let’s have sex now”, I try to make it a game and something fun (at least in my mind).
I am expressing what I do in detail not to say “see? I think I am doing something right” but rather to express what some men like me are going thru.
I was addicted for many years, I am trying to fix things and I am realizing I am at it on the wrong way as many out there who just want to “fix” things.
I don’t want at enemy at my home, I am sorry for what I did and I am trying to change by doing things that I have read that are supposed to help marriages. All I was asking was to have some sex and not just as a means of a release but as a demonstration of love and acceptance. Being rejected for sex for some men goes beyond the limited access to one’s parter, it means not acceptance of who you are which in a way also terrifies me. If we are not the person who can be accepted then maybe some one else may be and that is another subject on its own.
I understand that I don’t need sex to live as we need air to breath and if that is the only way to “fix” things then by all means I will go that route and wait until I am once accepted fully and hopefully understood.
Sometimes I ask myself why we are so different in that department and if ever a couple comes to a full agreement. I am sure many do and one of them will have to eventually give in and live by the rules of the other.
Sorry if I sound harsh on my comments. I am rather depressed right now.
Hi Kay,
It hurts me to hear how selfish I am but I thank you for your honesty. I heard similar words from my wife as well and all I can say is that I didn’t know how bad I need help. I don’t want to push my wife away so far that not only sex is not involved but that we don’t have a relationship. We did practice abstinence for about 2 months a while back and it helped a lot. I really don’t want to do that again.
In a way I believe not only the sex industry but in general I hear women say “if he only treated me well, if he helped around the house, if he told me that he loves me…” And that is confusing, since it goes beyond that. It has to be done with the right heart and I don’t know how. I am willing since I am doing it some of those things but I am not doing it right or with the right heart.
I just bought a book “loving your wife like Jesus loves the church”. Are there any similar books that you can recommend?
Also thank you for the link to SA, I never thought I would have to look for a group like that but after 30 years of addiction I don’t think I even know what a real man is like.
Ronald,
You made a comment about being rejected but if you look back that is exactly what you did to your wife all the years you chose the porn over your wife. She is dealing with a lot of emotions herself and has been for probably several years. I can guarantee you that she is dealing with feelings of self worth, loneliness, feelings of “not being good enough” , not feeling wanted, disgust and finally resentment. All of these emotions stem from the porn addiction. I don’t mean to sound harsh either, but this is the reality of this addiction. It will take time for the BOTH of you to heal and get past this. I wish you all the best in your healing.
Hi Jane,
I did as I was instructed and I stop asking or expecting sex and try to see my wife with different eyes and perspective and it has definitely helped. After just a week I have seen change in attitude and responsiveness. I don’t know why I waited this long or how I was not getting the message until some one had to spell it out for me in a way.
It is not easy to “just stop” it takes a different set of mind and heart to do so but it is possible.
I just wanted to share my outcome for those who are struggling with this issue and don’t seem to be able to find the way out and when you think you “need” sex to survive. You don’t.
I look forward to continue to repair the damage that has been done and that I am able to open my eyes and see other areas in which I am acting in a similar way but that shouldn’t.
I need advice. I believe my father is addicted to porn, and he has been caught three times now by my mother. He also has a stash of panties, and after promising that he threw them all away,(after being caught again last time), I found several tonight while getting bags from a closet. I don’t know what to do, as my mother has flat out told him she would divorce him if she caught him again. I don’t want to be the cause of my parents divorce, but I can’t stand the fact that he is lying to her, and will end up hurting her again if she finds out. What do I do? Tell her, or live with the fact that I know he is a damned liar.
That’s a tough one, Lynne. I don’t think there’s one sure-fire good answer that will fix this, just tough choices. You’ve laid it some options here: you can tell her, and she chooses what she’ll do with that, or you can keep quiet about it and let things take their course. I notice you didn’t list the option of talking to him about it, which would be another option. Again, I don’t think there’s a fixit answer!
I will say that if you choose to talk to your mom about this, you wouldn’t be causing your parents’ divorce. What happens in their relationship is up to your dad’s choices about his behavior and your mom’s choices about her boundaries. Their relationship, their responsibility.
Praying for you! Kay
I’m so glad I found this site! I was really starting to totally question myself in my relationship. Me and my commonlaw husband have been together for 8 years we have 2 beautiful children. I always knew about the occasional video or magazine which I assumed was normal male behaviour. But over the years it has been progressively worse to the point that I feel sad, worthless, distrust, disgust at times also. With our first daughter he stopped having intimacy with me and when I asked him about even a little too hormonally I was called crazy. I then started searching…. I have over the years found hookup/dating profiles secret email accounts wen a fake facebook account full of random women and porn stars as he was getting tired of me being upset on comments he made on actresses photos and this was kept up for over a year until I found out. I have not always been unhappy as he is a good man and good dad and attentive when he wants to be. But he also deflects his shame on himself to me by constantly accusing me of cheating or being an escort which I have done nothing but be a devoted wife. It has been the hardest over the last six months as he had some sort of emotional breakdown, he quit his job, stays up all night, sets alarms through the night because he thinks I sneak out at night. Which is ridiculous because other than work which is only part time I am always with him and our kids. I just am so unsure how supportive I can be much longer I do love him more than anything in the world but what about me? He constantly asks me what he can do to make
Me better and when I say get rid of the porn and porn stars on your facebook its me being controlling, over doing it. I’m so lost please send me tell me am I crazy and overdoing it? Even when I say I don’t want to tell him what will bring me peace of mind because it is him that has to change I can’t fix it for him. Can he really ever change or is it doomed? Is it so unrealistic that I feel so betrayed and hurt and that I classify it like cheating just not with the physicality? There is much more to write just would be too long winded…
Hey Tara. Wow. What a tough situation to be in! I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve been experiencing for so long. I think you’re absolutely right in saying that you can’t fix this for him. He has to do that for himself. I absolutely do think that people can change! But there’s a lot of work involved, and the person who has the addiction has to do the work.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to be hurt by this, at all. With a porn addiction, the addict is turning their attention away from real relationship, and toward all the fake intimacy of porn. That’s what you experience, when you ask him to stop paying attention to actresses and porn stars and pay attention to you, and he refuses. He’s choosing this other fantasy life. That’s not just sad for you–it’s sad for him, too, because he’s missing out on the real thing right in front of him.
Having boundaries about what belongs and doesn’t belong in your marriage is a healthy thing. And generally it’s great if a couple can decide that together. But with porn addiction, you’re not a part of the conversation. Stuff is getting into your marriage and making a mess and you’re being asked to just be quiet about it. I don’t know if you’ve see our free download, Hope After Porn? It’s stories by several women who had to make tough choices in their marriages. It might help you think through your options.
Also, let me give you this link to some of our most popular content for women.
Have a look through some of that, and let me know what you think.
Blessings,
Kay
Thank you Kay. I downloaded all the ebooks last night. I definitely am on a long road with this and certainly want to help his the best I can, I have broached this subject with him before which didn’t go over well. We do have a therapist and I think I will discuss this with him as well at the next appointment. But it is time for tough love! If he can’t plan boundaries then it will be tough decision for my sanity and wellbeing of me and my kids. I’m tired of our daughter hearing and seeing the fighting
“Courage, Dear Heart.”–C. S. Lewis
Blessings and prayers to you today, Kay
I want to start off by saying this site had been such a great help to me. I thank everyone for sharing their stories, it helps to know I’m not alone. I’m not married but I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. I found out about his porn use early on, he admitted it. Since then, it’s been a rocky road. I have left him many times because in my heart i know this is something I cannot accept. I was really going through it one night and I posted something on here to which Luke responded to. He gave me great advice told me I Also needed help. At first i thought, Me? I’m not the one doing anything! But i took his advice, I started going to meetings and seeing a therapist. I found out that I’m co-dependent. That’s a big part of why I was trying to change him, instead of making a decision that was best for me. Wow! Have found out so much about myself and why I was accepting his behavior. I learned I CANNOT change anyone nor should I be trying to. So, I left him. Again. Two months went by and because of my co-dependent attachment to him, I was miserable. But I faithfully kept attending meetings, and seeing my therapist. But then….I had a weak moment..I called him. He quickly came over and said he also missed me terribly and was going to get help. I believed him. Here we are months later, and except for two meetings he attended at a church, to which he showed up late for, he has yet to seek any help. I asked him last night if he has watched it and he said yes. But what I really resent, is that he says is my fault! Not in so many words, but he says he likes rough sex and that’s why he can’t have an climax with me. Quite naturally, I was upset. I’ve read much about porn and I know it can cause a man to have these issues, to where he can’t perform. I have never had an issue like this and have never met a man who has. I have told him porn can have this effect… But I guess because of denial he won’t accept it. I said it’s been three years and you have not even gotten close and he actually said, because I haven’t gotten him there. I’m going to go back to my meeting because I stopped going altogether. I know I need the support of women who understand and have been there. I have a girlfriend who thinks it’s not such a big deal, because “He’s such a great Guy” she had no idea of the hurt and trust issues involved..
Hey Maria, I’m glad you’ve found support here and it’s great to know that Luke’s advice to seek help for yourself was good for you! You know what they say in 12-step groups, right: relapse is part of recovery? It sounds to me like you’ve had a relapse here, but you’ve also got a plan in place for your recovery. You shouldn’t have to have “rough sex” or do anything that makes you uncomfortable in order to keep this relationship–I’m sure you know that already. So yeah, get back with your support group and keep getting stronger. Blessings, Kay
Continued from previous comment… I’m also guilt ridden because I know we are not even supposed to be having sex, we are not married..nor can we be, with this issue. .
my boyfriend has always looked at porn. at the beginning of the relationship it didn’t bother me. but over the past few years its gotten pretty intense. hes downloading porn everyday hes got about 15,000 photos/videos on his phone currently. that’s not counting all the porn on separate hard drives. he still wants sex from me but its hard for me knowing he looks at that all day long. ive told him our relationship is at stake with his addiction and he chooses his porn over me everytime no hesitation. I love him but all this porn is emotionally damaging…don’t know what to do
I’m so sorry, Samantha. I think the terrible thing with porn addiction is that relationships get broken as the addict repeatedly chooses to turn away to the addiction. It’s so heart-breaking. I do think guys can recover from porn addiction, but they have to be willing to do the work. If that’s not the case, and if you’re uncomfortable with what’s going on, then I think you have to consider what your boundaries need to be. It’s so hard to make those choices when you do love him!
You might need to get some support for yourself in this, maybe a group like Celebrate Recovery or individual counseling, as you think through what you want to do. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a good place to look for a counselor in your area.
And I don’t know how much you’ve read through things here on the blog? Here’s an article Luke put together recently that’s kind of a catalog of some of our most popular pieces for partners. And we have a free download called Hope After Porn where several women tell their stories of recovery in relationships. Most of our relationship stuff is about marriage here, but hopefully you’ll get the gist anyway!
Let me know if that helps, and if you have more questions. Blessings to you, Kay
How does one leave after 26 years of marriage? I have lived with porn long enough and just disgusted and fed up !!!! But when I attempt to discuss with the husband he says that he does not have a problem, it is all me b/c I don’t approach him in the bedroom. Let me ask all the ladies, how do you approach your husband knowing he has been looking at porn during the day and masturbating? It is nearly impossible to do. Any advise or comments appreciated.
Oh, that’s so hard. And so sad. You’re right–the pornography takes the emotional intimacy right out of the marriage, as the addict turns away from the relationship and toward the porn. You might appreciate reading our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the boundaries they drew in their relationships. And you might also appreciate the book, Boundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I’d also recommend some local support, maybe a counselor (search for someone in your area at American Association of Christian Counselors) or a support group like Pure Desire or Celebrate Recovery–or even Divorce Care, if you need that in the future. Let us know if that helps at all, and if you have further questions. Blessings, Kay
This video helped me quit porn for good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cxy5iWfYaA. Reprograms your mind to not want it
Interesting. I’d love to see what research went into this approach.
Help please. I’m 26 my bf father of my kids is 22. Sex was great at the beginning , after I found out about his porn use now he only can ejaculate quen I give him oral and use my hand at the same time, he can no longer just have sex vaginal sex and come, I think it’s because of his porn use am I wrong?
He tells me he will not do it again and gets mad at me when I fi,d him doing it , but its just a matter of weeks when I discover hos use of porn again. Please help
Hey Leslie. Yeah, a guy who has erectile dysfunction issues at age 22–that sounds like a porn problem in overdrive to me. Really, it’s going to be up to him to deal with the problem. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about what it looks like when a guy takes responsibility for himself. I think the best thing you can do is educate yourself, and decide what your personal boundaries are going to be around this issue. Here’s a listing of our best articles for women. And here’s the link to our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experience and the boundaries they chose in recovery. I’d also suggest some support for you, like Celebrate Recovery or personal counseling. It’s hard to walk through this, and I think you’re going to need support! Look through those things and let me know what you think. Blessings, Kay
Hi, idk what to do about my issue… My boyfriend of 3 years has a problem. He makes me feel as if its normal and I need to grow up because every man does it and why can’t I be “freaky” enough for it. It all started early In our relationship. I never had a problem with porn cuz no guy I was ever with did either. It started with we would have sex then I would wake up in the middle of the night every damn night and he would be either watching it or list done. Any opportunity he would watch it. then I started having problems with it cuz
While I would be giving him a blowjob he would wanna watch porn. I allowed it too. Then it got to the point where if he watched it I would leave him but that never stopped him he was Good at hiding it too I had to put a bunch of psycjo locks and passwords on everything but he would still find ways. So this went on for almost 3 years of me catching him here and there but I always knew he was cuz he’s not sexually attracted to me anymore he acts like he is 100% but it’s not the same. I’m only 21 I’m 110lbs a model and every guy drules over me every where we go at least 1 person comes up to me saying how beautiful I am or something like that and idk why I have this POS bf who don’t look at me like that either he never wants to have sex he always has some excuse n I can always tell after he does it he’s like so cocky like he doesn’t need me its gross. I freaking hate him. So recently I thought to myself like grow up u used to not mind porn so I went and bought some we watched it slept toget her blah blah n it was weird. I’ve been saying u can watch it as long as u tell me about
It before u do it I always thought that’s wht bothered me was that he hid it but tonigjt I was trying to please him and I randomly put it on our laptop and had him take over cuz Idk what to choose and the stuff he chose was disgusting he’s 27 and he was like wanna see my fave and it was a 18 year girl it just grossed me out I got hardcore anxiety and could no longer fake that I enjoyed it cuz I dont! I thought I could heck I thought I might even like it but there’s just to much into it with him the fact that he’s so addicted and not all about
Me and the women he gets off too disgusts me. Idk what to do. I love him so much and he makes me feel like something is wrong with me and maybe I am wrong idk anymore. But we only have sex when he comes to bed at 6am wakes me up and we will do a 10 min quickie which is only if I feel like waking up u know… Like were YOUNG we should be having sex like animals like we used to. It’s not just him that don’t want to its me too I’m sure if he came right now I’d be like no cuz of all the circumstances. I’m totally attracted to him but we don’t put the work in having sex were to lazy we don’t go and rub one another or whatever. I thought by us watching porn together would solve it but it didn’t cuz idk how to use it I guess. Like idk if I should let him watch it everytime we have sex or oral but listen to me it’s all about him what about ME! I will give him a blowjob and he will just roll over and go to sleep and not please me either. Like am I going crazy? I battle with myself in my own freakin head. Should I be ok with him watching porn? If so what’s to much… And when he’s havinf sex with me is it just a cop out to make me think he wants me… I could go on for days about this I hate this why can’t I be with a guy that’s all abour me and only watches it when I don’t give it up for weeks.
Hey Julia, thanks for being so honest and open. This is such a difficult issue to deal with, and I really appreciate your courage.
First of all, let me say that I think you have the right and the responsibility to decide what is okay for you in a relationship. Boundaries in Dating is one of the best books I know that talks about making healthy choices within a dating relationship. Not just about porn, but about all kinds of issues. So I’d start there.
Secondly, about the porn in particular, I think you’re experiencing what a lot of women find. And that is that a porn habit often accelerates and takes on a life of its own. And once that happens, you find that your partner is turning toward porn for intimacy and satisfaction, rather than toward you. And then you have to decide how to deal with that.
Here’s my idea of what it would look like for a guy to manage his pornography issues for himself. But he has to WANT to do that, and be committed to doing it. And–I’ll just warn you–I’ve read (and I think it’s true) that it takes 5 YEARS for a guy to really put the porn habit behind him for good. And that’s if he’s TRYING!
I think the big question at this point is: does he want to stop looking at porn? And if not, what will your boundaries be about that?
Let me know what you think! Kay
My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and for the last 10 years or so he has had a major problem with porn. I have noticed a lot of differences in our relationship, he has a hard time getting and keeping an erection during intercourse and even just foreplay. He still wants to have sex but that’s how it always ends up. We had tried porn as a helper but at his request so we tried it and even though he is still watching it with me that didn’t help so we stopped! Or so I thought. I have discussed it with him on multiple occasions but he just ends up lying and making it like I just want to start an argument, which is not true! He stays up half the night watching it and even caught him watching it first thing in the morning and then complains how tired he is, I stopped feeling sorry for him awhile ago. He had stopped for awhile( I think) but it started right back up and the thing that scares me the most is that it is all skinny teen videos. It is that bad that when my grandmother recently passed away he stayed up the night before her funeral watching it and fell asleep during the funeral. To say the least I was completely devastated and mortified. I felt so disrespected that I haven’t been the same since her funeral. I have tried so many things to save our relationship that I got to the point now I don’t want to try anymore but we got children together and want to work it out somehow just not sure how anymore. I don’t even like going places with him anymore cause he always checking out these young girls and I feel like I could never be good enough for him, I mean come on when you are out with your family, that is just down right disrespectful. I need help big time!!!!
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. It’s a very sad and scary place to be, I know. By now, you know for sure that it’s not up to what YOU do or don’t do. This is something he will need to deal with for himself. I hope he does! Here’s an article with some ideas for him. And here’s a listing of our top articles for women. I think you might also appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn. I think you’ve probably got some important decisions to make, and I wonder if a personal counselor–for yourself!–might be helpful as you work through where to go from here. Let me know what you think–Kay
It all sounds good, and I do believe that I need to see someone for myself. As it goes about him, he wont even accept the fact that he has a problem and when I bring it up he gets so defensive. And it seems to be getting worse, I mean yesterday alone he watched it while I was laying down sick and then again last night while I was sleeping. I feel awful looking to see what he is doing and of course I already know before I look and check his computer. I believe so much in privacy but it is so out of hand that I have lost so much respect and dignity form all this. My self-esteem is gone out the window. I have also let him take over financially cause I thought it was the best thing to do but…. as you can imagine it was the worst decision I ever made, I know that nothing will ever change but I just don’t feel I have the courage to leave or the strength to do anything about it.
It is hard to have courage and strength when you’ve already been fighting the battle for so long. I know that for sure! I think that’s why counseling can be so helpful–just getting that support back under you, helping you identify the next small steps, until you find your way forward. It’s so sad and terrible that he’s caught in this right now, but he CAN change! People do recover from this! It’s a ton of long, hard work, though, and meanwhile, you need support in the journey.
Thanks for the advice, I just wish he would accept the fact that he has a problem! I am so fed up but don’t know what to do I love him so much but don’t know how to help. I have even went as far as trying *new* things with him just to see if that helps but nope he will wait til I fall asleep and watch porn the rest of the night. I even left him about 5 years ago and when I came back he had promised things would change, well they did, less than a month. The only reason I stayed was because of the kids( worse excuse in the world, I know). I don’t know what to do at all. I feel so dead and miserable all the time, I hate it so much! I cant concentrate at all!
It’s so awful when you want to help and you can’t. He really has to make those choices for himself. I think those feelings of exhaustion and misery are perfectly normal when you’re experiencing this kind of grief in your marriage. I just hope you’ll have enough strength to reach out for help, for a local person who can walk with you through this.
You know, as stuck as you feel in this, that’s how stuck he is, too. You’re the one who sees it, though. You can be the one who makes a move in a healthy direction. If you can’t do anything else today, make that call!
So my seemingly perfect marriage is crumbling before my very eyes. After 15 years and suspected porn use, i found gross porn videos 5-6 years ago on his iphone. He had dpne it during our engagement and i nearly ended it and made it clear how I felt. Then 3 deployments and 2 kids later that happened. Typical denying and blame. We went to therapy, he ended up going a lot alone so he could talk thru his problems. Things seemed better, but i caught him 2x times. More therapy. Within past 2 weeks I put together he had paid for video mail rentals and had s po box. Forgot to pay bill and hurt his credit rating. This was 7-8 years ago, but he always swore there was nothing paid for and he never entered an e-mail address. Over 100 videos downloaded at work and watched on several business trips. All while i was a stAy at home mom, pta president, and supportive spouse.
Last night i e-mailed sugardvd.com and congratulated them on supporting yet another porn addict, while i was listening to my children crying in their rooms over our split yet still entertaining the idea of ending my life. They should be thrilled to know they help contribute to the 500,000 divorces anually involving this problem. The innocent children who will never grow up with their mother and father would like to thank them.
Hi Kyra. The thing that jumps out at me, right away, is that you’re “still entertaining the idea of ending my life.” I hope that whatever else happens with regard to your husband’s choices, or even your own choices to stay or leave the relationship, I hope that you will immediately seek support for yourself. You’ve been bearing this burden a long time, and it sounds like even the previous therapy was more about your husband’s issues than your own. Unfortunately, I hear that all too often from women in situations like this. So, please seek help FOR YOURSELF. The American Association of Christian Counselors has lots of counselors in lots of places. You might also find encouragement in our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their own experiences, boundaries, and healing. And here’s a listing of our most popular articles for women, which you might also find helpful.
There is, unfortunately, nothing we can do about the choices of the porn industry or the choices of our spouses, but there is MUCH we can do with regards to our own choices and healing. I hope you will reach out for that help today! Blessings, Kay
Wow talk about the blame game. Why do I have a feeling that most of these folks have not been living up to their commitment in the marriage. It does not take a brain surgeon to notice that many men who view porn are having little to no sex in their marriage. The trigger for the porn viewing by the male was the lack of sex from his spouse not the other way around. Sorry to tell you ladies that part of being in a relationship is being intimate and too many women just shut the men down after marriage. Don’t get all mad now when you know its true.. Face the facts and pony up. Wow, what a terrible bunch in here. All I see is, he did this, he does this, he does that, I want to help him. Oh my. If you really want to help then start being intimate with your husbands. WOW
You are saying that all the women who’ve commented here must have stopped having sex with their husbands in order for the men to want to watch porn so much. I think this is mistaken for several reasons.
1. It would be difficult for anyone to make a judgment call about all the women on this thread, knowing so little about them.
2. In our experience talking with men who are in support groups for porn addiction and their group leaders, men were often watching lots of porn before they got married, establishing the habit long before their wives entered the picture.
3. In our experience talking with these same men, many attest to having a vital and vibrant sex life while plunging head-long into porn.
4. Also in our experience talking with men in recovery, while some of them talk about a breakdown on intimacy in their marriage, it is rarely ever “She just cut me off out of the blue and left me begging and pleading for sex, so I did what I had to do at started looking at porn.” Usually the breakdown of intimacy involves a lot of factors that both husbands and wives need to own.
5. Also in our experience talking with a lot of women, they mourn the loss of intimacy in their marriage. They desire it. But often (a) the man turns his wife down, or (b) the man has porn-induced erectile dysfunction.
Let me be clear here. Should women recognize the ways they sin against their husbands? Yes. But we shouldn’t come with the patronizing nonsense that paints women in this situation with the broad brush of sexual prudishness.
Alexander,
WOW, just WOW!! You have no idea what you are talking about. I am the wife of a porn addict, I am here to tell you that I do not deny my husband intimacy. The issue is he never wants to be intimate due to the fact he has viewed porn during the day and there is no NEED or WANT for me because his needs have already been fulfilled. As a wife and trying to approach my husband and being rejected time and time again eventually one quits trying. So please explain to me and the other ladies on this site how in the hell are WE supposed to continue our wifely duties while being rejected. Also explain to me why the husband gets to have his porn and have no responsibility for viewing it. YOU and every other husband addicted to porn need to “pony up” and take responsibility for your actions and STOP blaming the wife. You have no idea the effect porn has on a loyal wife. I absolutely despise you for your comments.
I am currently going through another domestic argument with my husband about his porn use. We have 2 children one of whom is only 10wks old and have been married for 2yrs and together for 6.
I have, like many of you had repeated arguments with my husband about this porn addiction. I have to say I am not as tolerant of as sympathetic as some of you.
My question to my husband last night was “who the hell gave you the right to bring this into our marriage and force this upon the innocents of our children and our relationship?”
I am so mad that I am having to be silence once again, forgive once again for his disgusting addiction. He gave up a drug habit, he quit drinking but he can not stop typing in to his browser and watching porn?
I married this man for better or for worse, I did not think that this would be the worst, and let me just say pornography is the only thing we argue about, we had a fantastic relationship otherwise. My husband is not very good and explaining how he feels and vocalising his emotions but the one thing that keeps coming to light is that he doesn’t understand why he does it. I am sorry but for him and all of you married men out there, I just don’t buy it. How dare he and all of you have a marriage, con your wives into something that is going to be a living hell for us and expect us to bring up a family, keep house and contribute while you get to keep hold of your dirty little secrects. I wonder how it would feel if the boot was on the other foot and us wives behaved like this. Made it acceptable to go lusting after images if bug hunky naked men and called it an addiction. I call it and excuse!
I am so angry with all of this and raging at the fact time after time I am reading this and so many wives are putting up with it. I am done with my marriage. Next week I am moving out, taking the kids and leaving him with the laptop and a smartphone, he can watch as much as he likes then. He chose to sit and watch it with my 2 babies in the room, because he needed a distraction!! Well now he will have one permanently!
I chose to marry this man, but now I choose to leave because my children come first and I do not want them growing up in a home where this is in the background and then it becomes the norm, because its not and its in no way acceptable for a man to cross the line and bring it into the home. How dare he and how dare all of you men do this to us wives, mothers and partners!
Hey Becca. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! And proud of you for considering your boundaries and making healthy choices for yourself and your children.
I think it’s interesting to note that he has a hard time verbally, especially with emotions. I think that’s not uncommon for men; they are often socialized not to know about emotions, but to “be strong” and “be a man.” Unfortunately, porn has largely become an expression of manhood in our culture. A lot of men are exposed to porn at very early ages, and even though you don’t like to hear this, it actually does become a brain-chemistry-activating cycle that’s really tough to break. This article might help both of you understand what’s happening in his brain. That doesn’t mean he can’t break it! Just means it’s going to take time and dedicated effort.
A number of women find that creating those strong boundaries does help motivate their spouses toward doing the work they need to do. Since you have had a fantastic relationship otherwise, I hope this will be the case for you. You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women share their stories of relationship recovery.
Let me know what you think! Kay
Before we were married, I knew my husband watched porn. I let him know how it made me feel and I hoped it would cease. I didn’t realize that it would consume our relationship once we got married. We have been married now for 21/2 years and it seems like he watches porn at any opportunity he gets. I am a nurse so I make an effort to schedule my off days on his off days so we can spend time together. He will use the majority of his time playing video games in one room while I am in another room doing my own thing. I feel he would rather spend time with himself rather than with me. I have expressed my feelings with him but he just denies that he avoids me and we NEVER get anything resolved. I am tired. I don’t want to end my marriage but I don’t want to go on like this either. In order for there to be recovery for us, he has to be willing to want to change and I don’t think he is ready. Which leads me to my only conclusion of moving on with my own life just to maintain my own dignity and self respect.
I feel like a quitter by thinking of divorce and when I bring up divorce, he plays the blame game and uses self pity. I feel like when we have sex, it’s not me he is having sex with but rather images. I totally feel like a reservoir. I am a beautiful woman who put myself through college to better my life and this situation has single-handedly made me feel less of a person, a wife, a mother. I feel like a failure let alone unwanted by the person I feel in love with. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I have to go to work with my head held high and show no signs of personal emotions while helping others with there issues. I have to keep that same face with my children and friends. I feel very alone.
Hey Alicia. I’m so sorry for this pain you’re in. It’s so sad and disappointing to have such hopes for your relationship, only to see it slip away. I know you feel alone! But there are so many, many women who are struggling with the same burden these days. I’m glad you were able to reach out here, and I hope you’ve been able to find some helpful resources here, as well as some encouragement and companionship.
Just in case you haven’t found these, let me point you to the Mother Lode of Articles for Wives, and also a couple of free down loads for women, Hope After Porn and Porn and Your Husband.
I think there absolutely IS HOPE for husbands who are in porn. My own story is a hopeful one–my husband recovered, and our marriage is exponentially better today than it was before he ever looked at porn. Of course there is a lot of hard, hard work (on both sides) between addiction and recovery, and mostly your husband has to be willing to do that.
Also, I think there absolutely IS HOPE for you, even if he chooses not to change. YOU can be healthy. YOU can go forward into light and life and joy and peace. There would be a lot of grief around that, for sure. And whatever happens, you need support. Just for YOU. It would probably be good to find a therapist in your area who can help you walk this out, however it ends up looking.
Blessings, Kay
Hi im oing through the same with my husband. He got abused by his sister and her ex husband when he was a kid and he says he watches it for that reason….sorry i dont buy that. He did stop for a while but has got a new phone and is looking at it again. Ive always had a image of myself that im ugly etc etc but he dosnt help and it makes me feel insecure. Id love to give him great sex but i cant because he looks at that smut. I tell him its fake and they are all on drugs and booze and i try to get him to watch one with me…id probaly laugh. But he wont, is he embarresed or what?
I think one of the responsibilities that women have in relation to porn is that we have to take our own thoughts and beliefs captive to the truth. We have to stop believing the lie that our value as women only lies in how we look and whether we provide great sex. Those ideas are lies of porn, not the truth of God. The sad thing is, that a lot of times women get as obsessed with porn as their husbands do! While he’s obsessively looking at porn, we’re obsessively worrying about it. I think for us to be healthy, we’ve got to detach ourselves from the lies and the obsession, and find our own healthy way forward, regardless of what our partners choose to do. That probably means getting therapy for ourselves so we can identity lies, process our emotions, and get help thinking through healthy boundaries.
Hello Ladies, well all of your stories are exactly like mine. Been married for 20 years. My husband was my first lover. for over 20 years I suffer the same, lack of respect , lack of love and intimacy. piles of Video tapes,magazines DVD’s then came technology and PORN ON YOUR FINGERTIPS. He used to deny it for the first 10 years, he would try to hide it. I would find porn everywhere his car under the seats, in the truck. I learn to survive and told myself it was me that I was not good that i was missing something. Sex came so mechanical for me I was not even trying. He started complaining about my weight and me not being sexy. I finally seat down with him and lay it out its our family or help with porn. he change nothing. Finally I stop trying he will watch port at home on cable,satellite or other networks. I finally had it. I completely stop having sex or more like begging him for it. I cheated on him physically, I told him about I told him that I had to go and get some sex and attention somewhere else. I told him I still loved him but it was too late and I was living him and I was going to make a live without him and his porn. He got help he when to therapy. He beg me to stay so I did. Nothing has changed he still addicted I’m still not satisfied, however I know its not me I know I can be lovable and sexy. I feel bad for my husband because he will never have a normal relationship not with me or anyone. I still think of the man i cheated with he also beg me to leave my husband. In the end PORN HURTS EVERYONE NOT JUST THE WIVES.
It makes me so sad to hear women telling this story of self-blame and settling. I think a huge reason porn has gotten such a hold in our culture, and especially in the Christian world, is that women have been taught to blame themselves for their husband’s problems, and settle with whatever he will give them.
It’s the farthest thing in the world from what Jesus said he meant for us to have: “I have come that they may have life, and life in abundance.” When so many of our marriages fall short of that “abundant life”–for men AND for women–then I think we ought to be taking a long, hard look at what unhealthy things we as a culture have agreed to, and what we’ve taught ourselves to put up with.
For another perspective, I would suggest the book Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. We’ve also talked about boundaries here on the blog. Blessings, Kay
I don’t know what to do. My husband and I have been together 5 years and 4 mounths and be married 1 year in July. When we first got together I found his porn stash. There was about 100 magazines and 35 dvds. He got rid of them as he says. When we first got together we would be together like 4 times a day.As the years go on it got to where we have sex about once a mounth if that . I feel like I’m too ugly for him and too fat. But yet he married me. He says he loves me but he don’t hold my hand. He don’t play around with me anymore. And he baraly ever kisses me. What should I do. I love him to the moon and back. I just found a prissy pocket and 20 dvds. He knows he has a problem. And gets upset when we talk about it. It’s hurting me that I’m here to be with him and he would rather porn. I don’t get it. He says he loves me but why dose he love porn more.
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain in your marriage. Let me say this: I don’t think he loves porn more. I don’t think porn is about love at all. I don’t think you are too ugly or too fat. This is not about you at all. This is about him, his choices, and his behavior that he will need to take responsibility for.
Porn can become an addiction; brain chemistry gets involved, providing a shot of “feel-good chemical” in response to those images. Some guys are just addicted to that chemical high. Others use it more as a refuge from painful feelings like stress, boredom, frustration, etc. Again, there’s a chemical element to that; the rush makes the bad feelings go away.
This is something that he will need to deal with, if he’s willing. Here’s an article he could read that has some ideas.
Let me link you to a couple of free downloads you might find helpful, too: Hope After Porn, and Porn and Your Husband. I think there’s some great information there that can help you think through what’s happening, and also give you some ideas about how other women have handled this issue in their marriages.
I also think you would greatly benefit from local support, like counseling for yourself.
Have a look at those things, and let me know what you think, and if you have more questions. Blessings, Kay
I Am such a fool! My husband of 25 years is a porn additcate. I found out he was on porn sites/dateongs sites/avg of 10 he’s month on his cell phone! I thought he HF PsTD from Iraq . what a fun!i ng fool I am! He couldn’t sleep / he wanted to watch porn! He didn’t want to have sex with me. Because of we stress it was because he already masterbated
You’re not a fool. This is something that men are able to hide for a long time when they want to. And you know what, he may indeed have PTSD, and he may be using porn as part of that picture. I think the important thing is that he gets help, and that you get help. Can he find a therapist or a group through his veteran’s benefits? Some other options are the American Association of Christian Counselors, which has therapists all over the country. Sex Addicts Anonymous meets in many places, as well as Celebrate Recovery. xxxChurch has online groups for addicts and spouses both.
You need support, too. I’d say find a counselor just for you, a group just for you, and make sure that your needs for emotional support and processing are being met while he works on his issues.
You might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about their experience in this situation. And we’ve got lots more articles for wives here. blessings, Kay
Before my husband and I married, we were living in separate states because we both serve in the military. In order to be able to live in the same place, we got married earlier than we had planned. We became pregnant on our honeymoon, but were still separated until about three months ago. When we finally were able to live together, it was time for the baby to be born and my in laws came to stay for over a month. The baby has finally been born, the in laws are gone, but I’m obviously in no condition yet to have sex with my husband. We have never lived together before or been alone long enough to establish a healthy sexual relationship. I pleasure my husband every day if not evey other day without having actual intercourse because I know it must be very difficult going without anything. We’ve had discussions about porn use before but my husband reassured me that he doesn’t do and never would. Since living together I would notice he would go up stairs for extended periods of time and act very odd before and after. A few times I would ask him what he was doing and he would give me a very silly reason “just looking for something” or ” thought I left something at my desk” etc. if I go upstairs with him he decides he doesn’t want to go to his desk anymore and goes down stairs. It was all getting a little too odd. A few days ago I went to our bookmarked tags on the computer but could not find the website I was looking for so I opened the window completely and noticed that the history on the computer is deleted every single day. It raised a flag immediately because we agreed when we married to always be honest and open to each other so we wrote down all the passwords to all the sites we go to in order to be open. Today I checked again to see if the history had been deleted and it was. I would not normally go through my husbands things but because of the way he is acting and the deleted history, I could not control myself. I went to his folders and found more prom than I could ever imagine. Some was quite disturbing and has disgusted me. I also found that he is going to live chats. I do not know how to confront him because we are newly married and have a newborn. I do not want to leave my husband and I love him very much. Since having the baby I have done many things to make sure my husband is sexually satisfied but now it seems like it was all for nothing because he still looks and uses porn. I have never been a confrontational person and I hate arguments. I simply do not know what to do and I will utterly hate myself if I remain quiet about it.
Hey Megan. I am so, so sorry. What a sad thing to find, right as your life together is beginning.
First, I want to tell you that this is not your fault. This is not happening because you have failed in some way, like not satisfying him sexually. Clearly, you’ve been doing what you can in that area and it’s not enough.
Second, you’re going to need to have a tough conversation. If possible, it would be good if you could just state what you’ve found and ask him to help you understand what’s going on. Tell him that his behavior has been odd, that made you suspicious, you looked at the computer, and this is what you found. You need to understand how long this has been going on, and how often he’s looking. That will help you understand the parameters of the problem. You also need to know if he’s had actual sexual contact with other people. That is for your health and safety.
If he is willing to take responsibility for himself and work on this issue, then here’s an article he could read to help him decide what to do next. Internet filtering and accountability software (that’s what CE does!) should be helpful for a home computer, but he might need to disable the internet from his smart phone as a fail-safe for that part of the picture. He needs to get into some kind of personal accountability like a group. There’s online help at xxxChurch for both addicts and spouses.
Even best-case scenario, it will take a while for him to get this under control.
Meanwhile, YOU NEED SUPPORT, JUST FOR YOU. Personal counseling can be really helpful, as can a group. You need a safe place to process all the emotions you’re experiencing, and to help you think through what’s a healthy course of action for yourself.
Here’s a listing of some of our best articles for women. You might also appreciate our free downloads, Porn and Your Husband, and Hope After Porn. Have a look at those things; let me know if they’re helpful, and please do write in here at any time with questions or comments. We’re here to help! Blessings, Kay
I hope you do learn to confront your husband, up to and including discussion of separation if he can’t change. This coming from a man that has been addicted to porn all his life, 40 years or so, and has ruined his marriage of 20 years by not attending to this issue in a permanent manner. Your husband actually sounds like he is engaging in more serious forms of porn than I was; I say that not to be superior, but to let you know that when it gets to that more serious darker form of things, it means that his brain is so desensitized that it needs to range about for more and more and different types of depravity. The chats are disturbing because he is then involving himself with real people. If he loves you, he needs to be willing to kill this addiction. As Kay has suggested, your husband needs hardline boundaries and needs to get involved in some serious programs that will help him to utterly destroy this stuff. Or it will destroy your marriage. And then your kids. And everything that you are hoping for. For your sake, I hope that you learn to manage conflict and confront your husband in love, but in firmness. Leave him no wiggle room, no compromises, no rationalizations, no deflection of blame. It’s his sin, and he needs to own up to it by being a man and removing it from your lives.
This article does not take into account that husbands are not the only people that can suffer from a porn addiction. My wife has been addicted to pornography since I met her and she has not stopped watching and in her mind enjoying porn regardless of how it makes anyone else in the family feel. I find it quite short sighted that this article only focuses on the problem in a one way fashion. Shame on the so called Dr. who wrote short sighted article.
You’re absolutely right; many women also struggle with porn, and that number is rising among college students and young adults. However, since we primarily hear from wives asking for help coping with their husband’s addiction, we tend to focus on that as the most common scenario.
I know it’s not a one-to-one correlation, but I hope you can still find advice for your situation in this and other posts.
I’m awful at intros so here it goes.
Hi, I’m Marissa and I’m 17 years old. I’m engaged to a boy named Ben, who had a porn addiction until I got him to stop recently.
now before I start id like to give a back story. I’m a girl with very low self esteem at times. I compare myself to others. say I’m not pretty enough,( even though anytime I say that everyone tells me I’m crazy). My ex Mario who was 20,( I was 16) had a porn addiction. he was also controlling. he would tell me to cut my hair this way or dye it this way or dress or act or talk a certain way because it would make me more attractive. sexier. and as a 16 year old girl this hurt me a lot. he drilled into my brain that I need to fulfill his desires if I wanted to me “sexy”. He asked me to watch porn with him one time and I said okay, but instantly regretted it as I see him get turned on by this girl with body that mine is incomparable to. another time he asked me to do things to him(SORRY FOR A LITTLE R RATED TALK) and I look over and he’s on his phone. I ask what he’s doing, ” watching a video” “oh porn” and I get up and tell him to satisfy himself and that I wasn’t going to pleasure him. ( we broke up afterwards)
SO THIS IS NOW 7 MONTHS AFTER MY EX.
So back in February I was pregnant. We aborted the child,( we’re young and this was the only good choice for us and the child) and after it all I didn’t want sex. I lived here with him, not becoming aroused or anything because of the depression. Well one day I asked to use his phone since mine had died and I went to look something up and BAM. right there on the tab was a video. I opened up the history and his phone was flooded. i was hurt, I felt like I wasn’t enough. I didn’t say anything and gave him the phone back, but over the next 2 months I checked his history. Whenever I’d ask to use him phone he’d clear the history (big red flag). so one day in March I asked to use his phone and he told me to wait, my reply was “you don’t need to clear the history I know you watch porn”. he was mad. and embarrassed, ashamed. he said he wouldn’t do it again.
well in May there it was. I lost myself mentally and he then swore on his life he wouldn’t watch it again.
In June I asked him if he kept his promise and he said yes, I asked him to hand me his phone and he did willingly. he swore on my life and his life that he hadn’t and right there the most recent site, it was there. He broke down and cried said he was sorry. And honesty I said the only thing I knew to say that would make him not watch it again, “if I have to break up with you for you to learn not to hurt and lie to me I will Ben. I don’t care if we’re engaged and we’re going to have a kid if you don’t care neither do I.”
he lost it.
People here call us “Romeo and Juliet” for all the wrong reasons but they’re true. We yelled and screamed and even lost ourself in the process. he put reminders on his phone that says “don’t hurt her”. it’s been a month and I still ask on occasion if he’s kept his promise, he says he will because he doesn’t wanna see me the way I was that night, that it’s not worth losing me over.
ladies I know it’s hard to make a man stop, but if he truly cares hell give up his addiction for you. I wish you all the best.
Hi Marissa, I’m sorry you’ve had so much pain in your life already. I hope we can give you some support and help here!
First of all, I’m glad to hear that your fiance wants to be free of porn and is doing well so far. I hope that continues, but often men need more help and support than even they realize. So, it would be great for him to look into some of the resources we’ve got for men here at Covenant Eyes. Here’s an article that covers some basic recovery ideas for men. Blocking and filtering software on all devices is an excellent course of action for him, as well.
Secondly, I want to make sure that you are getting the support you need to process the painful incidents you’ve described here. The American Association of Christian Counselors is a great place to look if you want a personal counselor. Groups are also a good place to look for emotional and practical support: Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, xxxChurch.
Please let us know if we can answer any questions, or provide more resources if you need them. Blessings, Kay
My Wife thinks that my old masturbation habits of 1-2 a week while looking at porn was an issue. Through lifes stresses, and Christains goals, I have only done it once in the past 9 months by my own choice. She think then and now is an issue. Should I think I have a porn or masturbation addiction?
Hey Curious Husband,
First, congrats on dramatically reducing a bad habit. The Lord is good.
Second, I suppose my question for you is how you understand your own masturbation. If you’re engaged in an act of lust, I completely understand why your wife wouldn’t like that (as it is sinful). You might read this article on masturbation and see if it helps clear things up. This one also might be a help.
Is it wrong of me to not want to have sex with my husband when I know that he is looking at porn every few days?
I would call that a normal and healthy boundary, Sarah. If he’s looking at porn, of course you don’t want to have sex with him.
Sarah; you are absolutely justified in not wanting to have sex with him. From a man’s perspective, one who has been there, if he is looking at porn he is then using you as a masturbation tool. (sorry to be so blunt). This is not what God intended for marriage and union with divine partners. His porn activity is a selfish act. Love is a selfless act. As scripture states, two kingdoms divided cannot stand, meaning it is IMPOSSIBLE to be selfish and selfless at the same time. Love, true authentic intimacy, and union in marriage require one to be selfless. Read more on intimacy at http://www.roadtopurity.com/understanding-intimacy.html.
we are just 11 months married and i just discovered that my husband is watching porn and doing the thing called’ all by myself’.I felt unsecured and worthless.i don’t know how i will confront him,i remember the way he talk about it,it seems like he does’nt care if i’m hurt or what i feel towards this things.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through right now. This is such a hard thing to face, so early in your marriage. I hope you’ll take advantage of the free resources here as you consider a way forward. Here’s are a couple of free downloads for wives that you may find helpful: Porn and Your Husband, Hope After Porn. Here’s a link to a list of our top posts for wives. One of the most important issues women face in this situation is personal boundaries, so don’t miss this article on that topic.
You might also appreciate getting into a group with other women who are sharing this experience with you: xxxChurch (online), Pure Desire, Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, and even Al Anon are places to look for support. You may you find yourself needing a personal counselor, as well. This is just such a painful experience for women, and I encourage you to find support as you process your emotions in this.
Blessings, Kay
Leave …it took me 35 years before I finally gave up on him …I am finally at peace
So many of the comments are like pages from my life. I am in my 3rd marriage (1 & 2 were unfaithful with muliple affairs) and I didn’t want this marrage to be a failure as well. I would see myself as a failure. I thought I had finally met the man that God had planned for me from the start. I thought he was faithful to me until I found out why he wasn’t having “affairs.” He can’t be intimate with a “real” woman, including his wife due to his almost life long obession (his term, not mine) with porn. Now a day’s he changes the definition of what porn is. He justifies some activity as “It’s not porn but provative material”! WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE? We not young but in our 50’s so this shouldn’t be in our lives now! The “cursoity” factor should be gone! Futher he won’t accept responsibility for any of his actions or his obsession. He blames started with it was his father’s fault because his father didn’t catch his dirty magazines in his room. Now it has been my fault because I sent him a link for something on the internet which lead him to other links. His last blame was it was his son’s fault because he was searching for a youtube video that his son has for sports. Searching for that lead him to other links. It is never his fault. He recently held the bible and it appeared that he said a prayer holding the bible and then told me he was through with pronography. I asked him what was the difference in this promise from all of the past years of promises and he said he had never made an oath to God to quit. Well I have caught him multiple times since that display. I don’t know what else to do.
Vivian, I am so, so sorry for all the pain you’ve suffered in your marriages.
Here’s what I think you can do: you can get help for YOU. Find a counselor who can help you process through your emotions. Also, you’ve been married to three sex addicts. I think it might be time to go to S Anon. Even Al Anon has been helpful in situations like this.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU get help. YOU find healing. YOU make healthy choices.
Complex subject. Your points seem well-informed and wise. I have worked in a non-denominational church with dozens of men that had this addiction. The most common complaint I hear is “I’m not attracted to my wife!” The most common complaint is that the husband tells his wife he is interested in sex three or four times a week and she says she is interested in sex once a week. They compromise and have sex once a week. The Apostle Paul said 1 Corinthians not to stumble someone by denying your spouse sex.
Now at the same time I teach Christian men that God expects them to bound their actions and thoughts to their wife alone. They need to grow up and exercise self-control. Some spouses take their relationship for granted adding 30-50 pounds in the first 10 years of marriage (men and women both). This is another area of addiction or self-soothing behavior. I train men to stop taking their wife for granted.
The approach and some wise counsel can go along way at eliminating this addiction.
That said, I have come across 1 in 5 or 6 men who has an serious sexual addiction. They need professional help and are extremely destructive to families. Strangely enough when I ask men where they land on severity they usually are very honest and self identify.
Wives, remember that sex to your husband is like recess when he was I grades school. If you try and control and manipulate him by eliminating his recess privileges you will create someone with a pornography problem even if they have never had one before.
Haven’t you read the comments from the women here who NEVER denied their husbands sex? In fact, many wanted more sex than their husbands …. Do not blame the wives …these men are sick
I know this because my husband was apparently a porn addict before I even met him 46 years ago …. he claimed he was too tired for sex , but I would find cheap porn novels under the seats of his car …. I felt very lonely …. again, don’t assume that these guys are starved for sex
Auto correct removed an important word in my earlier comment.
The third sentence in my previous post should read, “The most common complaint I here is NOT, “I’m not attracted to my wife.”
In fact I only hear this complaint from about 10-20% of men. Further when I ask why the answer is that their wife takes them for granted an has put on 30-50 pounds since getting married.
So don’t misread my earlier post wives. My experience is the the overwhelming amount of men are anxious and willing to have sex with their wives but have lost hope due to years of rejection multiple times a week. Remember in only takes a few weeks to train them not to ask for sex. But they will still resent you every time they want sex.
As in all things in marriage, there are many ways we are sinned against and sin against one another. Each person needs to take ownership of his or her own sin. If a wife has been odious or dismissive, let her own it. If a husband has reacted by retreating to porn, let him own it. If a wife feels hurt by a husband’s porn use, let him acknowledge her pain and his guilt in hurting her. If a wife reacts to that pain by being vindictive or vengeful, let her acknowledge her wrongdoing and his hurt.
Of course, there is her own trauma to consider as well. If she sins against her husband but that sin is borne out of the trauma of his porn use, then use the principle taught to us by Christ who said that if you cause a weaker person to sin, they have still sinned, but your sin is grave and woeful.
Not true …… I went to group therapy with a roomful of very attractive women who had totally lost their self-esteem because their porn-addicted husbands were not interested in real sex at all. A lot of it starts with lazy men who just think of themselves & what’s easy …. Real women Not true … I attended a support group for wives of porn addicts ….. these women were very attractive ( not fat at all!) …..they were there because their lorn-addicted husbands preferred the easy way out ….. Gratify yourself only ….. They lost interest in real women because that might require some kind of reciprocity. ;)
All of these men suffer from addiction which has such a major affect on them they live in a fantasy land and it blinds them completely of reality in all aspect of life they become emotionally numb and pysically numb to us and that’s why they hurt us so much. they show us they do not care after we have expressed our hurt, concerns, emotions and love.
This is the addition! Most of them stumble across porn as a child so their addiction was there well before we had even known them it is their first love.
Some men see the bad in it and turn it down when they were young. These men are the men we want they don’t have a weakness to it. I believe they will always go back to it.
It’s always good to think about healthy boundaries; we can’t change someone else, but we are in control of our own choices. I think one of the best measures of whether a relationship is healthy, especially during recovery, is the amount of emotional trust. Emotional trust depends entirely upon the capacity of the individuals within the relationship to turn toward one another and to care how the other person feels. If only one person cares, the relationship won’t work. Every relationship is different, and we all have to be wise in making choices that are healthy in our own particular situations. Peace to you, Kay
Im in a really bad state!!!! My husband & I have been together almost 16yrs and is so obsessed with porn its disgusting! !! He spends over 1/2 hour on the “toilet” at least 5 times a day, i know what his up to! I seem to notice it goes in waves hides his phone, i would wake up at 2am by the dimmed light on his phone & as soon as i move he pretends to be sleeping!! His lieing alot lately blames my cooking on having to use the bathroom so often! !! I have just recently snuck into his phone and found some real nasty porn and conversations between him and other women on these porn sites and pictures of him self on there!!!! He has admitted to me he has a problem but wont do anything about it!!! what should i do ?
Hey Skye. Well, whatever your husband chooses to do, you’re going to need help and support. A personal counselor is always a good place to start. And then there are groups like Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, and xxxchurch that can provide great support to you. You’ll need to think about healthy boundaries, and what you are willing to have in your marriage. Here’s a great article Ella wrote just recently. And here’s a link to some of our most popular articles for wives. Your husband will need to take responsibility for himself and his behavior and recovery if he chooses that. But no matter what he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy and to get support for yourself as you decide what’s next. I hope you’ll do that! Blessings, Kay
My husband and I have been married 2 years and together 5 years. I found a porn stash when we had been together under a year. He told me it belong to his ex wife, but they used to look at it together and that he use to suscribe to playboy while in the military. I let him know in no uncertain term how I felt about it several times. He told me he quit looking at it years ago and that he knew it was wrong. But, I didn’t quite trust him on it. He has made lustful comments about women and a wondering eye at times. Also talks and acts like he is obsessed with sex. He can be a selfish self centered person, and blowing thru our money. I feel very abused. The past year has been very bad, I got sick, missed 2 months of work (female infections) and couldn’t have sex. His comment to me was that sucked for him. I still have problems off and on and I get the silent treatment, yelled at, and arguements. He does not want to seem to understand. I ended up finding some really sick porn on his tablet and where he typed in the specific type of girls he wanted. This was 2 months ago. First he blamed me for being sick and withholding. Then after I tried to kick him out he said it would be the death sentence to our marriage, so he’s in the spare bedroom. We’ve been going to marriage counseling and he has read many books on the problems. He did admit what he did was wrong. The counselor is decent and I think the books have helped. But I think there is more. The counselor does not think he is and addict and I do. Holding me down during sex to me is just pathological among others incindences in the bedroom. I have been pushing for him to go to a 12 step program, but I’m meeting resistance. He says he went cold turkey off of it, but that he had only looked at a few pictures. To me it looked like he had binged. He told me he would have never told me about the porn but because I found it now I know. He says he’s not an addict and does need or want a 12 step, what do you think?
Well hey, Monica. I’m glad you wrote in. I’m a counselor, and I’ll tell you this: I do NOT consider a porn problem (whatever level of use) to be a couples’ counseling issue. I conceptualize this as a problem that HE has, that HE needs to take responsibility for. We find that it generally takes quite a long time of persistent work for a man to recover from this kind of problem. Maybe a few years.
I agree with you that holding you down during sex is a very bad sign. Also, his unwillingness to go to a group is discouraging. I think someone who is really sincere in his desire to repair the marriage would be willing to attend a group.
However. You can’t force him to make those healthy choices. You can only be in charge of your own healthy choices.
Your job in this is to take responsibility for yourself, for your emotions, for your healthy boundaries. You will need to trust yourself to know if this is a relationship that’s headed in a healthy direction or not, and what to do if things are not going well. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about emotional trust, which I think is a really good way to know how things are going even if behavior is not perfect. And here’s a good article from Ella as well.
I would encourage you to find a counselor just for you, to help you think through those issues. Also, groups can be a great source of support: Celebrate Recovery, xxxChurch, S Anon.
I want to share my story in hope it will help others & I also will get some feed back. Last year my world fell apart in the worst way ever. I discovered after years of suspicion regarding my husbands behabiour on his iphone. I always felt there was something he was doing on it wasn’t right. We had been together since 2002 married in 2008 had a few probs with his mood swings,anger, frustration. We ended up with a trial seperation in sept 2012 for 4 months whilst he sort anger management.
Last November after as I say months of suspecting he was messaging someone I discovered on itunes history he had in fact been using gay bi chat rooms. I was in total shock it destroyed me the pain I felt I couldn’t even tell you in words but it was unbearable. I confronted him he just kept saying it was just chat just chat. After a lot of screaming & shouting and months of seeing numerous counsellors to which most couldn’t help because he didnt claim to know why he did it as he is def not gay or bi but completely straight. We all know this is not the normal behaviour of a straight man. Eventually we picked it to pieces trying to find the answers I so needed . He got addicted to the attention the send up but also craved male acceptence. He had only a few friends of which one best friend had ended their friendship for which we have never known. He never got over it . They grew up together like brother’s especially as his own brother was the complete opposite they were not close had nothing in common. His dad worked long hours too so his mum was his mane person in his life. His mother was over protective after many miscarriages after his older brother was born. My husband also had heath probs as a baby young child which meant he got extra attention. Just giving you some background information. Within the last few days I needed some remaining questions answered because although I understand why he got addicted to the attention send up male acceptance thing, I needed to know what was in his mind back then before he hit that download button it took a lot for him to finally admit he had bi curious thoughts about what 2 men get up to. My question has been answered but at the same time I have asked why not just watch gay porn why the creating a profile or profiles in lot’s of gay chat rooms & needing to read chat with them. I forgot to add I also discovered he had a serious porn addiction which took over his life. He worked shifts one week of earlies the other lates. Whilst I was at work he’d fill his time with these apps & porn. I found out when we moved in together some years before he had watched porn on our laptop it was something leather fetish that kind of thing. We used to watch stuff together in the begining as I was also very sexual but it stopped because he felt uncomfortable with me watching too so went back to watching more & more alone more risky taboo stuff but still insists never any gay porn. I find it all so weird & although we have worked through so much this past year our sex life isn’t healed . We are in the process of getting more couple counselling to try & save our marriage . Additionally he has been diagnosed with traits of adult autism which we are attending an appointment end of jan. My biggest problem is coping with his admission of feeling bicurious in the first 2 years of our marriage being in sexual conversations with other men gay men & bisexuals. I cant get past it in particular when we have sex. There is a huge age gap which has never bothered us until all of this. I am 48 years old all be it a young 48 year old so I’m told & he is 32 . This bi curious behaviour started when he was 27 . He has only ever had one sexual relationship which only lasted a matter of months. I was his first love. Hoping someone out there can help me advise how do you ever get over something like this!
Hi Cath.
Well, this sounds like a very unique and complicated situation. I hope the couples’ counseling is helpful to you. And I hope that you’re each able to work on your individual issues as well. I think it’s very important that the person with the addiction takes responsibility for his part, while the spouse takes responsibility for her emotional processing and choosing healthy boundaries. Sometimes I find that the wife’s needs are neglected in the service of keeping the relationship together no matter what. I hope that doesn’t happen for you! Ella wrote a bit about that recently.
I agree that his explorations of bisexual and gay porn are concerning, and need to be fully understood rather than repressed or ignored. I’d want to make sure that he is processing those issues completely with a therapist who is experienced in those issues. Issues of gender and sexual identity are often very difficult to fully unfold, as our culture is very fearful of gender and sexual differences. Sometimes a “secret” sexual life, like a pornography habit, is the place that the truth of gender and sexual identity is first revealed. The issue of chatting does, to me, raise the concern that he is actually meeting a relationship need in those areas, rather than just pushing heterosexual boundaries. I think it’s important to truly understand what’s happening for him in those interactions. I think you build true healing on the truth, so it’s vital that you do understand what’s happening so that you can make good, healthy choices for the future. If your therapist is not experienced in working with issues of sexual identity, you might want to find someone who is.
Blessings, Kay
Hi there thanks for your reply you seem to have misunderstood about the porn addiction it was only STRAIGHT PORN he was watching but needed to hear about what men got up to as from what we can work out something to add to his growing appetite within the addiction tigether with the secret messaging in chat rooms which he then got addicted to also the adoration from other men. Not sure I mentioned this he has also been diagnosed with traits of adult autism which we are both attending an appointment end of jan. My biggest problem fear is not being able to get the thoughts out of my head about the mentally stimulated by the dirty chat . I married a straight manly man & this is a complete turn off for me. We are suffering in the physical side of our marriage due to this. Until we get referred for psychosexual counselling its a very painful difficult time trying to shut these thoughts out of my mind. My husband is the most loving man I have ever met I still cant believe its happened to us! .
I’ve been reading all the blogs, printed of material and gave to my Husband. He promised he wouldn’t do it anymore, and read the material. I caught him doing it again. I printed off the ” 10 Effects of Porn on Your Brain, Your Marriage, and Your Sex Life.” I highlighted and poured my soul out. I handed it to him, and he said “why do you keep printing this stuff off, I don’t have a problem.
I am now at a loss. I thought he believed he had an issue. He does this daily. He has done this a long time. I have caught him years ago, then again recently. I had no idea he was still doing this years later. My son had a drug addiction that is under control, but now I feel like I’m always looking. He said he feels like he’s in prison. I blocked all the tv’s from on demand. He got sneaky and found “soft porn” on the tv. So I blocked anything with nudity.
If he thinks he has no problem, I can’t fix him, it’s an addiction. I have reached my breaking point. I’m not sure what to do now. Do you have any advice?
Hey Ann. Well, I think you’ve got to consider what your boundaries are going to look like in this situation. Here and here are a couple of articles on that. Also, our free download, Hope After Porn, tells the stories of several women and their boundary choices in recovery. Sadly, the thing we find is this: we can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves. I think you need support for you, to help you process emotions and to create those healthy boundaries for yourself. A group like S Anon could be helpful. Counseling is another great resource in a situation like this, to provide you with support and help. You might appreciate this free video series which takes you step by step through recovery, as well.
Whatever your husband chooses, YOU choose recovery, YOU choose good health. Find the support you need as you decide what is healthy for you, and begin living in good health. Blessings, Kay
I am 9 months into my marriage.. For some time I kept on stumbling on porn videos on his phone,ipad and laptop. I was so shattered,angry,hurt and felt betrayed. Whenever i checked his internet history on his phone i would see so many porn sites n videos he had viewed.I confronted him some months ago..He eventually accepted he needed help. He promised to work on it. I got really paranoid, I was always checking his phone and saw that he hadn’t stopped. I gave him some time. When I started checking again I wasn’t seeing anything.. I was happy. All to find out that he’s still on it just that he has learnt how to be discreet about it. After downloading and watching them he deletes everything. I caught him some days back and now am back to where I was. I love him so much yet I resent him..am so hurt, I hate him for being selfish..For preferring porn over me.. worst thing is I cannot talk to anyone about it..This is the first time am sharing this with anyone… I don’t trust him anymore. .. don’t know what to do…
Hi Sarah.
Well, I think first of all, he needs to get help and accountability besides you. While it’s good for you to know how he’s doing, you shouldn’t have to be his police officer. He should have a plan and work that plan. He might want to go to a group (Pure Desire, SA, Celebrate Recovery). He might need a CSAT therapist. He definitely needs some other people to help him into recovery.
Secondly, you need to find some support for yourself. There ARE safe people you can talk to, and you need to. Many wives will meet the criteria for PTSD in situations like this, and often their recovery is neglected. So find a group for yourself (Pure Desire, xxxChurch, S Anon). Find a therapist, just for you. Check into the online resources for wives, here. You might like our free download, Hope After Porn, where several wives talk about their processes in recovery. Jen Ferguson does a Friday periscope for wives that you might appreciate. And here’s a free video series by Brad Hambrick for wives in recovery.
I hope that helps! Blessings, Kay
I have been in a relationship now since 2004 with a younger man 12 years difference. I first found out that he was viewing sex magazines and other magazines with beautiful women, hiding them either in his car or in between this clothes. I found them one day between his clothes then I knew then that he had a problem. I ignored it at first thinking it was natural for males to look at other women but then thoughts came flooding in about masturbating over them. He became detached for while, and I asked him why and he said that he was just tired from work and family problems. We finally got the internet at home on and that was the worse thing I did, one day I came home from work early and found that he was masturbating over porn and viewing other women online. From that time on I never trusted him, I confronted him about this and he was just quiet never a response. Finally one day I decided to do reverse psychology but it failed all it did was make him not want me or desire to have sex he was actually put off…After 6 years of the on and off relationship I move well away and got over him it took almost 8 months to recover. We never kept intouch the occasional phone call to say hello and thats about it…..2013 he asked to come back to the relationship and want to make it work, he promised that he would not view other women and make an really good effort towards the relationship. I saw another side of this man that made me melt he didnt leave me alone he cuddled and made me feel secure to be with him, he held my hand when we went out, made love like he never had done before. 3 years later it progressively got worse. He was on his laptop and found the sites and photos of women asian women, porn videos, chats, he has started a new email address as he does not use the other anymore because he knows I have that address. I decided one day to investigate this properly do a report on the websites he follows or views, I tapped his phone and set up monitors of when he was on the computer viewing and yes….he was still doing it….finally after 5 months of not having sex I confronted him and asked why…his answer was I dont have those feelings anymore, I just want to go somewhere…He gave no intimacy, no affection, no attention, always angry, always frustrated…I was lost I didnt understand what he meant….but he said he cares about me just like he said before when we were first together. Im pretty not shabby, im pretty intelligent, Im currently doing my Masters and Doctorate degree, there is nothing wrong with my body its still pretty trim….so on friday 5th Feb 2016 I confronted him again and he said the same thing dont have those feelings and want to go somewhere ! So I said give me a time frame he said I will pick up my stuff this afternoon, but I packed his bags for him and he picked it up, havent heard from him since….now 4 days into it and I feel like crap, thinking that it was me being to harsh, so Im feeling a little lost at the moment not knowing how to handle the situation. Is this a normal behaviour for a man who has viewed for a very long time? He does not hold an erection for long, he straps his penis with a head band to keep an erection, and when he comes its not very much….Often he will sleep for 2 hours, or has a headache, his losing his hair, has aches and pains in his groin and his body, his eyes are sore, and does not communicate very well with me or others, is this a sign of a man that is depressed or addicted to porn? he is 44…I feel so yuk for putting myself through this the 2nd time around..
Hey Isabel.
I’m so sorry for the pain you’re feeling right now.
Yes, I think the symptoms you’re describing accurately describe porn-induced erectile dysfunction. The relationship dysfunctions you’ve noticed–lack of intimacy, lack of affection, lack of attention, anger, irritability–those are all common symptoms of heavy porn use as well. It’s hard to imagine that he is happy when his body and his emotional life are failing. I hope he will realize what’s going on, and be motivated to make changes. A group like SA would probably be helpful to him, if he were to decide to make changes.
I think you are wise to recognize what’s happening and to have boundaries that feel healthy to you. Here’s an article about boundaries that might help. One of the things I’ve found helpful is recognizing how important emotional trust is in relationships. Here’s an article about that.
Blessings, Kay
Thank you Kay for your response, it made me feel a lot better to know that its not me. Its day 5 still feeling guilty for letting him go…Maybe it was the way I responded and reacted that did not give him a change at all to respond. Out of anger and hurt I said I hated him for doing this twice to me and that I hated him at the moment. Here is a person that never says the hate word and tell my children not to even say this…but it just came out….it was an emotional time for me….still feeling that I have no closure…closure meaning that he did not give me a definitive answer as to why he didn’t have “those feelings” or those feelings are not there anymore… to me it was hurtful because I thought I was the cause…I didnt make an effort…..he even said that the reason was that we did not see eye to eye, I questioned him about that but he could not give me a straight answer….Is this part of the addiction that they cannot tell the truth about how they really feel…..Im sorry just still trying to understand all this….Guilt and blame on my part has now seemingly set in….Is this normal ?
Hi Isabel. I think we’re all living within a cultural narrative that supports the idea that if women were thin enough, nice enough, sexy enough, etc etc etc, then men would never stray or make bad choices. In addition, it’s common for men to create cognitive defense mechanisms to soothe the shame they feel for making choices that THEY KNOW would be hurtful to their partners, and outside of the normative agreements of a relationship. The social norms of blaming women, plus having your significant other tell you that it’s your fault, creates a heavy load for women to resist. I think women are so often trained to believe that everything is our fault! So when we find ourselves in these situations, it’s almost inevitable that we believe it for a while.
I’ve done a couple of brief animations on YouTube about defense mechanisms and gaslighting, which you might find helpful.
So, even though you regret the things you said during the confrontation, you are only responsible for yourself and the choices you made. You’re not responsible for the choices he made.
And while it’s fairly normal and common for women to receive the blame in situations like this, it is NOT TRUE and it is NOT HELPFUL to either of you in recovery. It’s incredibly important that we learn to be responsible only for ourselves so that we can recover. No matter what he chooses, you can choose healing. You can find a therapist, find a group, educate yourself (like you’re doing right now!) and otherwise take responsibility for you.
Thank you Kay, your comments are assisting me to move forward. Hopefully other women in the same situation as all in this posts will realize that its not their fault. This is now the 7th day of separation between myself and my partner, it takes time to grieve and time is the healing process. My partner and I saw each other again on the 6th day as he dropped off some money that he owed. I was a little angry and said that I have been independent for so long now with or without his help I didnt need it and tried to give it back to him. Without getting angry and emotional on my part, I asked the same question again.. Why dont you have those feelings, why dont you show emotion, why dont you show intimacy? During the emotional conversation there was very little eye contact, I could not see his eyes to let tell me how he was feeling…It was the same reaction and answer, I just dont have those feelings, I just want to go somewhere but he still didn’t know what he wants. However, he said that being quiet and and being by himself is doing him good to figure out the demons in his head. I mentioned that he needed to see someone to help him and that I cant help him anymore and to help him through his emotional state and his addiction. I found that when I mentioned that he had this porn addiction he became agitated and tried to find more excuses to hide his addiction. He said that the only reason why he views porn is to try to get it back “feelings” and so on…but I said that if he continued viewing porn it makes things worse and he would not be able to see the light for the trees. He also mentioned that I should find someone else or see someone to help me get over this, I said why should I find go find someone else whilst I felt love for him and why should I go to see someone about my hurt. I said that I can cope and that it was him that needed to get help… I felt helpless….I told him that I have lost my best friend….and he said im sorry…that was the end of that….At first I felt lost…helpless….I dropped him back to his workshop, I watched him walk away from me with his head down….I drove off crying, and then said to myself “that its” I cant bear to do this to myself anymore. Today is day 7 feeling a little better, I am managing emotionally, your website helps me to review the conversations we have and your responses as a reminder that this was not my fault…and that I am a strong person and I can move away from this. It also didnt help that my son also split up with his girlfriend on the same week, so my son and I where crying together and grieving. I had to be strong for him also…For all the the women who read the posts about their partners porn addiction, be strong, you will pass this…Give them time to find themselves…and hope that they see the light for the trees. Our partners have to hit rock bottom before they realize that what they gave up and maybe someday they may come back as a better person, realized that all we did was helped them, support them, and love them. But until then we must move away from punishing ourselves for their insecurities and their demons.
It will take time I cant say that Im not hurting, I still am, but at least I know that I am stronger than him and missing him will eventually go away……
Take care of yourself, Isabel! I hope that your healing continues! Kay
We have been married for almost 23 years and have four daughters. My husband has never been emotionally available to me and I think it’s because of his porn addiction. He always had a subscription to Playboy, I even bought him several. We even watched porn together. I wouldn’t even have a problem with him watching. What I detest is him webcamming with various women and telling them the things he should be saying to me which he never has in all of the time we’ve been together. I found out about the webcamming in December of 2013. Or rather my teenage daughter did when she was looking at his tablet that he didn’t have a password on. I confronted him, he told me multiple lies like he was just looking at it for “fun”. I believed him and forgave him. Early Mother’s Day morning 2014, I noticed he wasn’t in bed but his cell phone went off. It said his “friend” from his favorite web cam site was getting ready to go a live show. That’s where he was at 3 am downstairs watching her. I confronted, he lied, cried, begged me not to leave said he’d stop for our family. Once again I forgave him. Fast forward to August 2014, I decided to check his browsing history because he still had suspicious behavior, I found he still did his web cam and saved some of his favorite conversations. I’ll tell you that it physically hurt my heart reading what he wrote to these women when he NEVER says these things to me. He tried counseling, took some meds and said he stopped. Well, now I found out on Tuesday that he took a break, but didn’t stop at all. This time I found actually web cam videos of him masturbating on our bed with these women! I can’t remember the last time we had sex. I know that starting mid last year, he could barely keep an erection when we did try. Also, once again he spoke to these women, especially his favorite from two years ago, more intimately than he does to me. He says he’s never actually physically cheated on me but how am I supposed to believe him? Through all of this grief the last 2 1/2 years since I found out, I’ve lost my mother to cancer, gone through menopause and have severe stress issues. I have stomach issues now related to this happening again. His lack of attention to me and our daughter’s due to his addiction, left me at my wits end when I was trying to care for my dieing mom and our teenage daughters who didn’t have a drivers license because he as always too busy to teach them. He swore he would help me out so I could care for my mom but he didn’t. I was so stressed trying to take care of my mom and my daughters that I was almost ready to jump off of a bridge. He lets everything else in our lives slip do to bring preoccupied. The saddest part is my younger daughters are graduating and will be off to college with their older sisters in the fall. This was supposed to be our time to enjoy just us again but I can’t trust him anymore. I’d leave him but I’m not financially stable to stand on my own. I told him that if he tells me the truth and admits to it all, we may still have a chance but he won’t. In fact, he’s still trying to blame me. So, I guess we’ll stay together but not be a couple anymore. I never dreamed my life would turn out like this.
Rachel, I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re going through in your marriage. I think you’re right when you connect the emotional unavailability to porn use. And I think this is a sad reality that a lot of men face: emotional intimacy is too hard; porn is easy.
I think we all have to make the decisions that are right for us individually in situations like this. There’s not one right choice when it comes to staying in the marriage or leaving it. I just hope that you’ll find support and care for yourself in this journey. I just think you’ve got to be grieving so many precious lost relationships–the marriage, your mom, and the transition as your children grow up. Personal counseling would be a good step, I think, along with group support. You don’t have to be alone in this. Blessings, Kay
I feel like I am going to go crazy. I dont wanna comfront him caz we have been through so much lies, cheating and deceptions. The sex got bad and every time I talk about it, it got better for a little time then back to square one. We have spoken about porn but i didn’t realize it was what was affecting our marriage so badly. He was unable to get an errection and i didn’t know why. We are trying for a child but has not been successful. I have so much on my mind and I can relate to all the ladies on here. Thank you for this article. I was wondering if the masturbation could be a caz of we not getting pregnant?
Extensive porn use with masturbation does lead to erectile dysfunction, and of course ED impacts your ability to have successful sex, which could impact your fertility.
You may want to think about healthy boundaries: here and here are two articles.
Hi all,
I have pretty much read everyone’s posts to see if anyone has been in the same situation as mine.
My partner and I have been in a relationship for 5 year this December, like most women here I new my partner masturbed to porn every morning when I would leave to go to work. I just thought I had to except it because we as woman are lead to believe this is normal for all men to do. Most nights I would try to initiate sex but he would mostly turn me down because he was tried!!!! So he said.we had always done our own thing most of the time.
I am a very independent women that has always paid my own way and also for my children from my previous marriage in which ended because of his on going battle with a gambling addiction.
Anyway last year I fell pregnant and I retained a load of fluid at an early stage of the pregnancy, he stopped completely having sex with me from about 3 months we only had sex twice a week if that any way.
He started making comments on my body and wouldn’t even touch me, very sad.
Anyway our beautiful bay girl came along, he started sleeping in the spare room where I was finding soiled clothing hidden under the bed every day some with more than one go at a time on. I even walked in on him a few times I didn’t say anything to him I just thought he had gotten into some bad habits from my pregnancy. The comments about my weight still continued within days of delivering, I pulled him up on it and he couldn’t say much back to me for his comments.
Anyway he started sleeping in our bed with me again I started trying to initiate sex with him as I was now able to. But he was so not interested he would try but would be limp most of the time so I wouldn’t bother I did become very emotional with this because I had just had our baby in which I had to deal with emotionally on my own because he was so detached from me but I had never really seen it earlier because we always did our own thing. I just thought it was because we worked so much.
So every night and early hours in the morning when I would get up to feed our baby I started turning on the baby monitor to see if he was actually sleeping but sure enough every single time he would start masturbating sometimes with his phone watching porn. I started watching him in the shower and sure enough there as well he had so many fantasies in head that when he could he would.
I started to go out with my friend on a Friday night for late night shopping and would leave the baby with him for about 3 hours at the most but because of his behaviour I brought a night vision camera and planted it our room to see what went on while I wasn’t there.
And sure enough as soon as he put our baby to bed he undressed himself so quickly like there was no tomorrow and pulled out the lube with his porn and started masturbating. Didn’t even wait to see if our baby was happily asleep she had suffered from a touch of colic so genurally it would take 45min- hour for her to go to sleep because of the wind.
So anyway he’s taking care of himself while she is unsettled in bed. His marathon went for over an hour and a half, leaving lube everywhere as it was a non water based lube.
When I got home I just new he started explaining his night to me without me even asking!!!
That night I viewed the video.
I asked him if he did and he said no of course lol
I then told him I put a camera in the room as seen him and that how dear he neglect our new born baby’s needs for his our!
He kept telling me I’m lying and that that didn’t happen he even pulled the iPad out to convince me I have postnatal depression that I am delusional I’m seeing and hearing things. I do not leave him to look after our baby at all on his own because he has shown me he can not put her first before himself.
I didn’t show him the video because I didn’t think I should have to. So I deleted it not long after another story there.
He started telling our friends and family that I was struggling with the baby Iv become emotional and that I think he is masturbating every where leaving cum all down the stairs on the carpet in the shower etc. because I caught him masturbating in the spare room. His cousin told him he should leave me but he replied that he wants to help me because I am delusional.This is all very far from the truth.
I have put up with this mental abuse for 4 months.
I do not have any of my own family around where I live. I have had emotional support over the phone from my mother and best friend which I could not have copped without I had to kick him out of our home for period over this time because of the mind games.
He is home now but does not believe he caused any of this he believe he is the victim because I do not accept him masturbating!!!
We have been to a couples councillor.( clinical psychologist)
She has pretty much told me to leave the relationship as there is mental health issues going on with him and his addiction to porn!! He is stuck in his fantasy world where it has made him unable to see any sympathy, empathy remorse and love for anything.
He is 38 only ever had one other serious relationship that lasted 5 years also.
Other than that his porn has been his company.
I will be leaving him and hope to move to my mum.
I need to wait for my other daughter to finish her final year at school. Otherwise I would have already gone.
I thought that seeing a councillor would help him to see what he has caused. But I don’t think he ever will he has some underlying issues that he doesn’t want to face and doesn’t see he has a problem and that its me. No quilty of life here.
So gutted that I had not taken more notice to his distance and behaviour earlier in our relationship just thought it was us being over worked.
I have felt most of what everyone else has felt but he also made me doubt my sanity. Cruel and inhuman
Betty, I am so sorry for all the pain you’ve been through in this relationship, and I’m SO glad you’ve had good support from a therapist. You’ve done exactly what I’m always advising other commenters: You’ve taken care of yourself, you’ve gotten help, and you’ve figured out what healthy boundaries will look like in your particular situation. I’m so grateful that you were able to recognize this mental abuse for what it was! So many, many women get caught in this, and do end up doubting their own sanity. This tactic is called GASLIGHTING, and it’s unfortunately very common in cases of addiction and abuse, where the addict/abuser does not want to face up to reality. Here’s a short animation about gaslighting. I’m glad you are on the way to safety and recovery, and thank you for sharing your story with us here. Peace to you, Kay
Hello. I am also experiencing disappointment with my fiancé, up to a point where I am doubting our relationship and future wedding that I meant to take place in two months.
I grately hate porn and my ex partner was addicted to it too and it destroyed our relationship together with other reasons.
I thought we had a great relationship and sexual relationship too, i enjoy sex and we are sexually active everyday up to 3 times a day. But seems whatever I do and how often we do it doesn’t matter. I knew he watches porn and always has done, but I explained to him numerous times how much I hate it and how much it makes me feel depressed and not attractive, how i am loosing my confidence and how it brings me down. He promised he will stop. But recently I came home from work and he didn’t get full erection and I started questioning him. I asked him if he watched it again, and instead of answering my question he just asked me why I am asking. Which more less answered my question. I feel really disappointed and worthless and I am not ready to live like this forever. Even tho everything else is perfect, he is a great partner and a father of my daughter but I can’t imagine feeling so worthless and unattractive forever. I just don’t know how long I can take it, and I really I don’t understand why he is hurting me like this. I thought only men who are not satisfied are inclined to porn, but in my case it makes me question myself and my appearance and my ability to satisfy my man. I do not know what to do to keep our relationship good, because everything I find out he has been watching it I fall into depresión and can’t relax or let him touch me as I feel so down. He always tells me all men watch it and we are happy so why do I mind, but lately he lies about it all. Why do men do this? Why do they kill their wives by making them feel so worthless ? Is porn more important to them then their partners and families ? I am not going to just ignore the fact he watches is and live happily because I am just unable to do so.
Natalia, you don’t need to accept it. He is choosing himself over you. It’s selfish. Porn is a monster. It doesn’t satisfy, it only lies and destroys. It has highjacked his brain so that he is addicted to pixels instead of you. There’s nothing wrong with you at all. The problem is him and his choices. And, his choices are wrecking his mind, distorting his relationship with you, and it’s crushing your heart. This is why he can’t get an erection. Chemically, his brain is broken. I bet he has no trouble getting an erection masturbating to porn. Ask him. This is on him. He needs to change. Do not marry this man. You and you daughter deserve better.
Peace, Chris
Me and my husband have been married for 7 years. I first discovered my husbands porn use within the second year of marriage. It had been going on a long time. We had lost our baby girl and I was always going to bed by myself because my husband was up late “playing games on his phone he said” while I lay there alone crying myself to sleep. Just to find out later that while I had been grieving our loss alone he had been watching porn. We had just had another baby at the time and it was horrible. I yelled and screamed and cried and the only thing he had to say was I’m sorry you don’t like it. He promised it would never happen again so I stayed. Well we repeated that process over and over and he just got better at hiding it. I am still with him but it is killing me slowly I can not get over it. I feel so alone in my pain no one understands. I have isolated myself because I feel so worthless all the time. I don’t think he will ever stop he pretends like everything is good but I can feel that it’s not.
Tina, please find a therapist, just for you, someone who can help you process all this pain and decide what healthy boundaries will look like for you.
It is so important to evaluate the long-term impact that your husband’s choices have on you, and to make healthy choices for yourself, no matter what he chooses. Here and here are a couple more articles that might be helpful.
You might also like to find a group to help, and there are wonderful online connections and resources at Bloom that will provide you with support as well. You are NOT alone!
Peace to you,
Kay
I’ve been with my boy friend for 2 years now and it’s the same I get blamed for it all he lashes out at me when I find out hes watching porn n basically every time he goes to the bathroom he will be watching it. Because he’s lied so many times I had my phone linked to my other phone that he uses. (Doesn’t pay for) I can see every time he’s on. He waits till I’m gone to sleep to go to the bathroom we have 6 kids he has 3 n I have 3 we have one together. I’ve asked him over n over what is it because I don’t turn him on I’m not sexy enough it came down to it I’ve asked friends if they would need to watch porn before having sexual with me. They all said no! I’m beautiful sexy just the way I am. I have it so down pat than when he doesn’t watch a lot of porn before we have sex he can’t even keep it up. It’s coming to the point I don’t even want to live on this earth anymore because he’s made me feel that low about myself! He won’t stop and he’s already told me if I can’t handle it than leave! If I don’t bitch about one thing I Bitch about that. And he’s been doing it since we started dating (i didn’t know) till I caught him. I’ve been medicated over this threw a doctor. I’ve been seeing a counseler! I’ve asked him to get help but he says nobody can help him. N I’m 6”1 beautiful as ppl would say I dress up for him do stuff that I normally would never do.. to make him happy.. I love the man with all my heart but honestly if he doesn’t change his way I can’t live here anymore I can’t be apart of it and he doesn’t give to shits about it! Please help
Hi Rebecca,
Well, it sounds to me like you’re doing what you should be doing: seeing a doctor, seeing a counselor. I often find that just before we are ready to make a big decision, we feel very confused and emotionally distraught. It really sounds to me like you know what’s going to happen: “If he doesn’t change his ways, I can’t live here anymore.” It’s hard to accept the loss of an important relationship. It’s traumatic and painful. I’m so sorry that he’s making these same choices over and over. I’m heart-broken with you over this reality. But whatever he chooses, YOU can choose to be healthy. YOU can choose to walk free of his addiction. Whenever you’re ready. You can.
Peace,
Kay
It’s so sad to hear these stories. I come from a totally different angle. My wife was available to me until the end of our honeymoon. Then, nothing. I had waited for marriage and now this! Eventually out of sheer desperation I turned to masturbation and porn. Hared it, hated myself. Hurt from wife’s continued rejections. She eventually discovered it and got mad. I asked her how it was fair for her to get mad when she didn’t want me! She just smirked. We got divorced and I have the children. Remarried recently. Life is good and my new wife is affectionate. Finally have the intimacy I craved. Porn is now gone with the wind. I still have to practice discipline and avoid temptation thinking or looking at other women but it’s so much easier with a loving wife. I would have given my left arm to have had a woman like many of you for a wife. Thankfully I did second time.. I still have friends though whose wives use sex as tool of extortion and control. It’s greatly resented. I sadly have little doubt those men have succumbed to porn. But I don’t understand how husband’s with loving available wives do. I hope your husband’s can win out and see what they have and how porn imperils it.