- Tuesday, July 6th, 2010
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The Effects of Pornography on Wives and Marriages
Joe and Patty came to my office in crisis. Patty had recently discovered Joe viewing internet pornography late at night. A search of the computer’s history revealed chronic use of porn. Joe admitted he had a problem with Internet pornography and vowed to get help. He was truly sorry for hurting Patty, but he could not understand why she was so upset about it. Joe couldn’t understand why she had so much difficulty forgiving him and moving on with their relationship. What Joe didn’t understand is how pornography affects wives.
Impact on Wives
For many women, discovering that their husbands have been viewing pornography is similar to uncovering an extramarital affair. As a result, they experience a variety of emotions: anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and rejection. They believe their husbands would rather be with the women they view in pornography rather than their wives. Often they feel that they have been replaced by a computer image. The woman on the computer screen is “the other woman.” Because of this, many women are devastated whey they discover their husbands have been looking at porn.
For many wives, their husbands’ use of pornography is a violation of marital trust. When a man and woman marry, they vow to love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. Viewing pornography is akin to breaking these vows because they are in no way a sign of a man’s love, honor and respect for his wife. For these women, the men they married all of a sudden seem like strangers. Many feel like a fool for ever having trusted their husbands. For some women, the violation of trust is so deep that they question if they can go on with their marriage. While they might be able to forgive their husbands, rebuilding trust can be extremely difficult.
Pornography invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over 18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband. This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s sexual performance. A man who is addicted to pornography can become so accustomed to being sexually aroused by the “perfect” women in pornography that he can eventually find it difficult to perform sexually with his own wife.
Impact on Husbands
Studies have shown that men crave respect from their wives more than love. Pornography robs men of this basic need. Pornography use almost always leads women to lose respect for her husbands. They also begin to view their husbands as poor role models for their children. This adds to the lack of respect. This can be very painful for women because it inhibits their ability to love, honor and respect their husbands. Men were created to be the leaders, providers and protectors of their wives and families. Pornography prevents men from being able to fulfill these roles because it leads a man to isolate himself and neglect his wife and children. This deepens the trust wound in the marriage.
In addition to the emotional effects that pornography has on wives and marriages, it can also have physical ramifications. When a man becomes addicted to pornography, he eventually develops a tolerance to it. What was once sexually arousing becomes boring and uninteresting. Thus, he can go from viewing soft porn to hardcore porn. After a while, even this is not enough. He may develop a desire to perform the sexual acts he has seen in pornography. This can lead to using prostitutes and engaging in anonymous sex. With this comes the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.
With one couple I treated, the wife found out about her husband’s pornography/sex addiction from her physician. She had gone to her gynecologist for her annual examination and was informed that she had a sexually transmitted disease. She had gotten it from her husband who had been frequenting prostitutes. Since she had always been faithful to her husband, she knew she caught the disease from him. After confronting him, he confessed. One can hardly imaging the devastation this couple felt. Although this couple loved each other dearly and were committed to mending their marriage, it took months of therapy to work on forgiveness and rebuilding trust.
Fortunately, most couples are not like the one just described. Most are like Joe and Patty. When people think of addiction recovery, they often envision the addict attending 12-step group meetings and individual therapy sessions. While these are needed for recovery, marital therapy is also needed to heal the deep wounds inflicted on the marital relationship. Sometimes wives can even be a cause of pornography use by their husbands. I have worked with couples where the wives were very cold, critical and demanding. This led their husbands to use pornography out anger and a need for female affection. Part of the recovery process called for the wives to be more gentle, giving and affectionate toward their husbands.
Moving Toward Healing
In all cases, wives need to learn how to forgive their husbands. This comes by understanding the deep emotional wounds that lead a man into pornography addiction. When one understands that addictive behaviors are often symptoms of deeper wounds, it becomes easier to have compassion and forgive. Trust also has to be rebuilt in the marriage. This comes from the husband taking responsibility for his recovery and proving his trustworthiness to his wife. As forgiveness and trust grow, the couple experiences healing in their relationship. Thus, addiction recovery is not just for the addict, it involves spouses and families too.
Couples need to realize that even the most devastating situations can lead to greater love, trust an intimacy in a marriage. There is always hope. However, it starts by husbands understanding how their pornography use affects their wives and marriage. It is my hope that this understanding will prevent men from viewing pornography as well as help heal marriages that have been damaged by pornography use.
. . . .
This post is by Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D. Peter is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in West Conshohocken, PA. He holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology from LaSalle University in Philadelphia, PA and a Ph.D. in General Psychology from Capella University in Minneapolis, MN. Dr. Kleponis has fourteen years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, men’s issues, pornography addiction recovery, and resolving excessive anger.
Download your free copy of Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives.This Guide is designed by Covenant Eyes to answer some of the common questions wives have, such as…
- Why does he look at porn?
- How can he watch porn and say he loves me?
- Why am I not enough?
- Why does he prefer porn to sex with me?
This guide gives practical ideas for bringing healing to your relationship. It dispels some of the myths about this problem and gives wives clear action steps to show tough love to their husbands.
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Most men, especially the generation of the 70′s and 80′s that grew up with the internet, do not just suddenly start having struggles with porn during marriage. This often is something that started way before. I think one of the worst mistakes is to keep that history a secret from your wife. Its shameful but otherwise you are setting up for this exact kind of hurt and pain.
An honest discussion about your history and struggle with your girlfriend or fiancee can keep the relationship’s trust secure. Should a wife be your accountability partner? I dont believe so, but she can still be a pillar of support through it all, just by being open and honest.
I don’t know why that snapshot of a woman’s eyes is used here on a pronography addiction fighting blog. It is pictures like that, for most men, that lead their thoughts to the sites in the first place. I was tempted just by seeing those eyes.
@Jared – I could change up the eyes if you like. Don’t want to cause others to stumble.
Dude this just shows how warped your mind is. It is the picture of the sad eyes of a woman destroyed by her husbands pornography obsession. The thing that makes them so sad is the fact that everything and anything including the pain in their eyes, Is going to make their husband want to cheat on her. why because that’s what pornography does. It makes men want to cheat with everything they look at. the picture does not need to change. The way you view the world does! ! I guess it’s hard to get your mind out of the gutter when your always filling it with garbage
While so much of this article seemed right on, two things bothered me. First: Jared brought up an excellent point about the photo being provocative. I would hope the immediate response would be to remove the photo since the problem was pointed out. Why ask Jared if it should be removed when he’s already been clear that this is a stumbling block and temptation? Second: “Sometimes wives can even be a cause of pornography use by their husbands.” This is akin to saying that sometimes a wife can cause her husband to beat her because of something’s she done. We are responsible for our own choices. Nobody can cause us to sin. She may have sinned in her actions too, but that does not take the choice away from the husband to make the right decisions.
Wives are NOT responsible for their husband’s pornography use. This is like saying you caused him to drink. Maybe his rotten behavior to her caused her to be cold. Come on now!!
As a clinical psychologist I tend to differ with your opinions. Pornography does exactly the opposite of what you propose. Pornography can keep a relationship together. Pornography is often used by a male in a dedicated relationship in a couple of ways. One of these ways is to satisfy himself because his sexual drive and the sexual drive of his wife may differ. Testosterone levels in men rise and rise and eventually have to be dealt with either with him making love to his wife (if she is willing) or masturbation. Testosterone buildups in a male can cause a man to go a little “batty” and make them cranky. It has been proven in scientific studies that men think about sex quite frequently. the Kinsey institute did a study that resulted in 54% of men thinking of sex once or many times a day. One of those reasons is that men need sex to feel emotionally connected to the woman in their lives. Men are fixers and doers. They validate themselves and their relationship through sex. Women need the emotional connection with her man for validation. When it comes to pornography, men use it for multiple reasons. To observe the beauty of the female form in a woman other than his wife in a faithful non physical way. To release testosterone, and to explore new things. Things that may very well keep a couple together. I consider this a good thing with divorce rates being as high as they are today. Men were never meant to be monogamous. Very few mammalian species are. Men have a hard wired psychological need to spread his seed and procreate with multiple mates. We modern males have adopted monogamy and many are perfectly successful with it. I know I am. One main reason that men use pornography is that their sexual needs are not being met. I am not blaming his wife in this situation, it’s just a fact. Wouldn’t you rather your husband resort to pornography than cheat with another woman? There is a line here. I am talking about print and video pornography, not “live” pornography with a living woman on the other side of the screen interacting with him. That I would consider infidelity.
The only problem with pornography is addiction, and addiction is not part of the endocrine system.
Pornography has been around since the beginning of time, and even visual representations have been recovered from the Roman era. It’s just part of every day life. There is nothing that can be done to stop it. It’s better to try to understand it than criticize it.
@Kyle – Interesting thoughts, but you are right: your opinion does differ greatly from mine. As you said, “Men…validate themselves and their relationship through sex.” Exactly. But this is the very thing that needs corrected, not embraced. When we are socialized to desire intimate relationships that are founded on mutual respect, honesty, shared power, and romantic love, we should not be surprised that so many women are hurt when they know their husband is looking at pornography. Commercial porn only eroticizes power, abuse, voyeurism, discrimination, disrespect, objectification, and detachment. Why should these qualities be promoted?
I beg to differ with the text quoted below. It is the woman’s lack of self esteem and self respect that cause this. Not pornography.
“Pornography invading the home can also lead a wife to feel old, unattractive and sexually undesirable. It’s no secret that most of the women in pornography are just over 18 years of age. Furthermore, thanks to plastic surgery, makeup and digital photographic enhancement, most of the women in pornography do not exist in real life. They are too “perfect.” A wife in her mid-thirties, who has had a few children, might be very beautiful; however, she does not look like a 19 year old. Because of this, she may think, “How can I compete with the young girls in porn?” This can lead her to feel ugly, undesirable and rejected by her husband. This is further compounded by the effects pornography can have on a man’s sexual performance.”
What sad here is that kyle really believes what he is saying, Views such as this are a major part of the problem!!! .
And men such as this are part of the problem!!!
I can not believe this author actually has the audacity to say wives can cause their husbands to view porn! The fault is in the one who acts out…no matter what excuse he/she may use for her/his excuse. That’s like saying it is the spouses fault when their partner beats them for making them mad! Don’t listen to this joker. He’s screwed up in the head.
Kyle does have it all wrong, either through what he’s been taught, not having enough experience with his clients, or because he is himself addicted and can’t be honest with himself or anyone about it’s effects. Testosterone is part of a positive feedback cycle. The more it’s used, the more it’s produced. This is why pornography indulgences tend to become habits, and eventually addictions. If a guy knows he shouldn’t be looking or wants to stop, and he falls into it anyway, he is effectively addicted and will need external help to get out of it, the chemical feedback and hormonal systems of the brain are simply too powerful to give up such a powerful and easy drug completely willingly.
Men don’t need to observe the beauty of the female form anymore than they can’t prevent themselves from doing it. Doing so in pretty much any circumstance causes testosterone to start pumping. In an ideal world of our imagination we could disconnect ourselves from our hormones and emotions and view all things objectively. There is an incredibly good biological/evolutionary/spiritual reason we can’t (yes, that’s right, we cannot disconnect ourselves from our hormones, but we can try and get a little better at it with a lifetime of work) and that is to propagate our families, our species, and to raise offspring in an environment where we can pass on the knowledge we have gained about life, the universe, and everything around us, thus improving human existence.
That being said, women biologically know that men are attracted to their beauty and use it and manipulate it to gain their advantage and pursue security they expect men to provide (emotional, financial, intellectual, whatever they’ve been taught to value). These two gender “problems” contribute to our society’s major faults and in such a society of abundance and surplus that we live in, what else are we going to do with our free time? (this is tongue in cheek if you don’t get the sarcasm) Just surviving used to be a sunrise to sundown ordeal, then it became a job, then there was room for hobbies, then those hobbies became easier, so we sought out entertainment, and more entertainment, and then it gets boring, and the most mentally and physically enticing thing for the male body to appreciate is anything to do with his reproductive organs and passing on his DNA (that is the main physiological objective of every living creature on this planet, everything else is to help this process). Women are designed to seek security to bare children in a protected fashion and this becomes their primary objective.
Both these things are generalizations about mankind as a whole so please don’t argue over details or the exceptions. The problem is that if we can’t achieve that desired goal each gender biologically has ingrained in them, we find distorted avenues of release that come close, but unfortunately tend to be destructive to the very things we’re trying to achieve. Think of it as a built in self-destruct mechanism for an overabundant or lazy society/community/culture.
In my observations and discussion with others on this topic, men are every bit a slave to their hormones as women are. Men don’t have a predictable monthly rush they can blame, it’s a fairly constant yet erratic stream they are constantly fighting, especially in today’s lust-filled society that targets men and also women: Lust for things, lust for social lives, lust for sex, lust for unfulfilled fantasies (dream vacations, shopping sprees, jackpot prizes, etc).
I would venture that, hormonally (HORMONALLY, not PHYSICALLY), a pregnancy is just as difficult on the man is it is on the woman.
The woman’s self-esteem is directly tied to her husband’s opinion of her, just as a man’s self-esteem is directly tied to his wife’s opinion of him. This is natural and part of human nature, however, both genders need to realize that self-esteem needs to come from yourself first, then from other people. If it comes from you and your actions, you may experience blows from time to time but you’ll bounce back and recover. Self-esteem should not be over-tied to a spouse, children, friends, possessions, etc. If it is, it’s not “self”-esteem, is it?
While no wife is ever responsible for her husband’s choices, she does have a HUGE HUGE HUGE effect on his emotional state. Let me state that again, she has a HUGE HUGE HUGE effect on his emotional state and how he feels about himself and her and how honest he will be. This is a tough one. If the wife is kind and understanding, the husband MAY not feel the need or desire to stop the behavior (the punishment is not severe enough). If she is too harsh on him, he MAY stop being honest. It totally depends on each person and I don’t think anyone has an answer for it except that we can’t take responsibility for anyone else’s choices but our own so if there’s something we should be doing better, we should be doing it regardless of what our spouse is doing. Each couple should start conservative and move from there as far as they need to to resolve the issue.
If the husband is having fantasies or a struggle desiring more, he needs help overcoming that. He will not be able to resolve it on his own. No internet filter will be enough, no monitoring of internet histories, etc. The desire to avoid it has to come from him and the walls that he needs need to come from him and the help of other people and they need to cater to him. The wife may be able to help him, but if it goes beyond her ability, he will need professional help (not the kind Kyle Hansen offers, STAY AWAY from his advice!!!! It does not work in the long-term) and the help of a support group where he can be completely and totally honest to somebody and allow him to talk out and reason out his actions. I can’t say enough good about 12-step groups.
As for helping the wife with the emotional turmoil they feel upon discovery of a husband’s habit or addiction, maybe you all can help me. My best attempts at discussing it with mine fall short of what’s really going through her head about this topic. The rationales and explanations she offers are inconsistent and contradictory to each other and she can’t see that at the moment. One website states it as a temporary insanity that accompanies the healing process, and that’s been the best explanation I’ve found, although it’s not much of one. Any suggestions?
@Christian – I agree with you about Kyle’s advice. It is quite off-base.
I also agree with you that a husband needs help from others overcoming his fantasies. This is one of the main differences between “monitoring” and “accountability” (at least, as far as software is concerned). “Monitoring” is more of a Big Brother mentality or a cop mentality. “Accountability” actually depends on a kind of quality in relationship for it to really be effective. Technology is great, but it needs to be a kind of technology that leans on the power of good relationships, not just place external blockades in the way.
As far as the situation with your wife is concerned, it is difficult to say having very little information about your situation. But there are some common threads I’ve noticed among marriages troubled by this problem. Porn promotes and eroticizes ideals that run in stark contrast to what most Western women want for intimate relationships. Dr. Jill Manning says, “[W]hen a North American woman discovers her spouse is using and viewing pornography secretly, it is not only devastating to her sense of self as a woman, and her sense of trust, but it can threaten the very foundation upon with she has constructed her relational world—not just with her spouse, but the larger world around her.” This can be nothing short of earth-shattering for some women.
These sorts of crises tend to expose—both for the husband and the wife—the very things we have built our security and identity on. This is no small thing. Wives are not only “healing” from the pain, they are in effect rebuilding their relational world from the ground up. It is like grieving a death.
With this is the opportunity to grow our relationships on surer foundation. Just like you’ve likely been learning in your 12-step groups, only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. That goes for yourself and your wife. My friend Rick Thomas is a Christian counselor (and an author on this blog): he tells a story about a marriage devastated by porn that is really interesting. Give it a read if you have time.
Thanks for stopping by, Christian. Wishing you God’s blessing as you walk through this wilderness.
Kyle, I almost feel sorry for you…. Your ridiculous immature massage sound like trash… Like someone that is addicted! You need to go find yourself… You are absolutely clueless about this topic….
Making wives responsible for their husbands pornography is not a Biblical perspective. That would be like an alcoholic saying his wife is responsible for his drinking. Although there may be other issues in the marriage, each is responsible for their own behavior. Read: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Charles Townsend.
Your statement perpectuate the lie that others are responsible and actually helps keep the men in denial.
Reading through this string, it seems that, in general, the women’s reaction to Kyle is rather volatile and their responses include personal attacks and the men’s responses are more reasoned and addresses the issues. I wonder why that is.
I wonder if Dr. Kleponis might choose to rephrase his statement that “Sometimes wives can even be a cause of pornography use by their husbands.” To something like “Sometimes wives’ behaviors can be a contributing factor to their husband’s choice to use pornography.” Most likely, the man is experiencing some unfulfilled need (respect, affection, tenderness, sexual release) or woundedness/pain (due to bitterness, coldness, strident, etc,) for which pornography is a “quick fix.” It seems that compassion is in order all the way around.
For those who argue that the wife ['s behavior] is not A cause of the man’s behavior, I wonder if they would also argue that the man’s behavior is not a cause for the woman being upset and acting out.
After reading comments to my article, I feel I must clarify my statement. It is true that a wife is never the cause of a husband’s pornography use. He is fully responsible for his actions. However, it is his REACTION to a cold, critical and demanding that may lead a man to seek out pornography.
I disagree 100% with Kyle Hansen. There is never a good reason to use porn. If pornography was healthy for relationships, it would never be a factor in divorce. According to a report from the national association of marriage attorneys, porn plays a significant role in over 50% of all divorces. Kyle’s views of pornography are based mostly on a biological understanding of sexuality. This is very short-sighted. We are more than just physical bodies with hormones. We also have to look at the emotional, moral, and spiritual side of sexuality and relationships. He is essentially saying that women should tolerate porn because a man can’t help himself. This is a very selfish view from the man’s perspective. Also the Kinsey Institute’s research is not the most valid or reliable. I wonder how Kyle’s wife would feel if she knew he was using porn? I suggest that Kyle study the works of Patrick Carnes, Mark Laaser, Stephen Arterburn and Maryanne Layden to gain a better understanding of the harm porn causes.
@Luke: Concerning the discovery of a wife (my own) discovering her husband (yours truly) looking at porn: I wholeheartedly agree with your argument that this “finding” can shake a wife’s perception of the marital relationship, and all that it implies. My wife has changed her physical locale twice, to suit my needs; she has endured several other like incidents with this “sickness” (my own term), and each time, it is more world-shattering than the last. I know in my own innocuous (or so I thought) way, I hosted the entire event by my decision to “go look,” so forgiveness is the last thing on my mind at this point. The shame was enough to make me sick to my stomach, when I thought about losing her, about losing our marriage, our friendship, our trust.
This whole incident came hard on the heels of her concession that yes, we should take a vacation together, regardless of situational needs, that we deserve the closeness, and to be together. So as a result of my senseless stupidity, she no longer wants to go on the trip, which we both had looked forward to for quite some time (years). Moreover, she has suggested that either she or myself should leave this relationship, that we should call it quits, for real, for good.
Here is where the sadness begins. Had I listened to my higher self, and resisted the urge (my own, not “my nature’s”), I wouldn’t have even been typing these words. It will take weeks, probably a month, for all this to heal itself. In that time, I have to take the steps to make the change permanent, and ask your prayers for those guidelines.
So to Kyle, and others who believe his dogma, I say “bull.” It’s our fault, guys. Take ownership of your sins, and reconcile yourself to Him.
@Brad – Thanks for sharing your story. My prayers are definitely with you.
What do people think about Wondering’s last question? I don’t get it. People say you have to own your own feelings, but clearly they are not independent of other people’s actions. Sure the wife (in Wondering’s example) can be held accountable for choosing to act out (if she does), but how can you detach responsibility from her husband playing a part in affecting her feelings? Likewise, how could you detach responsibility from a bitter wife playing a part in her husband’s feelings? It would be unfair for him to say “your bitterness caused me to use porn to numb my pain”, but is it unfair to say “your bitterness hurt me”? (Whether he adds “and I chose to use porn to numb the pain” is immaterial to the question I’m asking).
@Wondering and Wondering too – One of our other writers, Joe Dallas, said it best, “The wife who is inattentive, indifferent or downright abusive is responsible for her sins, not his. No woman, no matter how odious, makes her man commit adultery”—or in this case, look at pornography—”so if a wife sins, let her account. But let her account for her sins alone. That’s a fairly big if, though, considering the many women who’ve shown more than reasonable affection and concern for their spouses who cheated nonetheless.” I agree. Both husbands and wives are to blame for the way they treat one another, but neither is to blame for the sinful reactions of the other. It is irresponsible for a man to say, “You drove me to look at porn.” The men who do this are acting childish and petty. However, a wife also needs to account for the way she has hurt her husband, regardless of how he might be justifying his decisions using her behavior.