17 thoughts on “Advice for Marriages Plagued by Porn

  1. A Christian aid to getting this demon off my back. It is not an easy one. I am the adult survivor of sexual and emotional abuse. I have struggled off and on with attraction to young men and gay porn. I have never approached young men, never will. I am married to the nicest woman I know, nicest person I know. I pray constantly, but drag myself into this world of filth. I want freedom and know I need others to help me help myself.

  2. John, Do not have the Gay struggle but had many others. Found away out 4.5 years ago and have been free since. What we have not done in the past qualifies as a “yet” if we do not become willing to go to any length to get help. Haven’t done that “yet”. We all have to determine what our any lenth looks like. Mine consisted of two back to back stents in treatment to overcome 38 years of this addiction. Then putting it into action helping others do the same. Involved in 12 step recovery and Christian based sex addiction recovery. Wishing the best for you and family.

    • May need to divorce him. Porn addiction is a user friendly term. It is really self sex. Your husband is having sexcapades with himself and is just using the photos to arouse himself. He is having sex with someone other than you. ITS HIMSELF!

  3. To Sandi,
    Pray. We can do nothing without God, and He gave us a clear avenue to Him through prayer. While we may not be able to change our husband’s hearts, God definitely can.

  4. I agree with Sandy… Praying, frankly, hasn’t helped AT ALL – there has been no change. Hubby has been using porn for our ENTIRE marriage and takes NO RESPONSIBILITY whatsoever for his porn use. It has come to the point where I myself have LOST FAITH IN GOD, because I grew up in a home where my step-father was addicted to porn and damaged my mother irrevocably because of it. While I no longer “blame God” for my situation, I am ANGRY that he ALLOWED ME to marry someone who would do the EXACT SAME THING my step-father did.

  5. I am a Hindu and don’t think that God ought to or does grant all of your wishes. It’s like he as given you hands so that you could work and earn a living but instead you sat down praying and asked him to feed you. The same way he has given you a Thinking Brain so that you could make the right choices for yourself. Get to know your Boyfriends before you marry them. Don’t marry people that aren’t compatible with you. I am sorry to be saying this but if the Husband himself doesn’t belive that he is doing something wrong then there really isn’t much that can be done.

    • @kapil – I agree with you. God does not grant all our wishes. He gives us abilities to make wise choices. Unfortunately many men keep their struggles with pornography a secret through dating and courtship and many wives are surprised to find out about the struggle later in marriage.

  6. I / We are currently seeking advise and help for our marriage due to porn addiction. He has been caught before, but this time it cost him. Costed him a lot of money, which he paid for the internet porn, he lost his trust of his wife and he betrayed his wife and childern. He has come to the realization that he needs help and has sought it out on his own. I was tempted to leave, he begged me to say and help him through this and see help as well. I have never felt so inadaquate, angry and hurt as I have the past week. I am trying to find faith in god and faith in myself to over come this huge hurdle in my life.

  7. Erin,

    Everything you’re feeling reflects the reality you are facing. He did betray you and your children, and your family is under attack. It is not your responsibility to reform your husband (only the Holy Spirit can do that as your husband submits to Him), but you do stand in a very potent position of influence–one that could prompt your husband to do what is right to get help, get clean, and save his family from years of sorrow.

    Please see my article on this forum , and begin following the steps with the help of a qualified Christian counselor. (The counselor is for you as an individual. Counseling for you as a couple can come later, once your husband has taken appropriate steps to deal with the immediate crisis.)

    Begin following the steps of this “tough love” encounter, not only for the sake of your husband and your marriage, but for you and your children.

    As for your husband, he should seek help on his own. Unfortunately, he won’t if you let too much time pass. He needs to see you take a no-tolerance policy against porn in your home right now. And that may include a temporary time of his being out of the home. Otherwise, he’ll promise to do better and then slide back into his old routine. The article, “Tough Love Must Stand Firm” explains why.

    You might also read “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently“, which includes links to practical resources and programs to match the level of sexual dysfunction you observe in your husband.

    The information in these articles, put together, should help you formulate a responsible, compassionate-yet-tough, reasonable plan of action. God has given you the strength to see you through this. It’s in you. Trust His provision, toughen up, reach out to godly, wise people around you, and stand strongly against this threat to your family.

    As I press “Submit Comment,” I am praying for you.

  8. C,
    I am praying for you. Satan wants to pierce our hearts with his assaults, many times wounding us in the same place we have been wounded so deeply before. BUT GOD LOVES US. He is not tempted, nor does he tempt. He does not lie, he cannot, because HE is truth and LIFE. Let him touch you more DEEPLY with his love than the pain you’ve experienced. Psalm 45:10-11 “Listen O daughter, consider and give ear. Forget your people and your father’s house. The King is enthralled by your beauty, Honor Him, He is your Lord!” Love you sister.

  9. I have been with my husband for 10 years. He continues to lie to me about pot use and internet “indiscretions”. I know he looks at porn, but he also has gotten accounts and set up profiles on sites like match.com, adultfriendfinder.com, and finally on Tuesday I found out about a site called ashleymadison.com that he has had at least two accounts on. Mind you, these are only the things I have discovered on my own. Who knows what he is doing that no one knows about. He also had a 2 1/2 year long emotional affair and I found sexually flirtatious emails that uncovered that one. After finding his account on ashleymadison, I am devastated. He says it’s becuase he is “unsatisfied”. Ashleymadison is a website specifically for people looking to have an affair. The tag line is:”life is short, have an affair”. I do not know what to do. I will never ever trust him again. It’s been broken too many times and he is not willing to follow up on getting help for himself. He always just wants to deal with stuff on his own. What should I do? My gut instinct tells me to leave.

  10. Jody,

    You are facing one of the most difficult, soul-rending decisions any married person can face. Your church, your family, and your own conscience shout with one voice, “Divorce is wrong.” Yet, deep down, everyone knows that it’s equally wrong to do nothing in response to this obvious pattern of infidelity and complete disregard for for you and your marriage.

    Let me assure you that filing divorce papers at this point would not make you guilty of ending the marriage. Remember: a decree of divorce doesn’t kill a marriage; unrepentant sin destroys a marriage.

    Clearly, divorce is biblically defensible in your situation; nevertheless, you undoubtedly feel the inner call to do everything you can to restore your fallen mate and to keep together what God has joined. Let me affirm and praise your obedience. Well done! The Spirit of Christ is alive and well in you! Now, how can we honor that inner call AND take a strong stand against sin. That call to save your marriage cannot and must not lead to a passive response. Love does not stand idly by while sin destroys someone we love.

    Jody, I wrote Redemptive Divorce to address circumstances exactly like yours. I have walked this path myself, and many have found the redemptive divorce process to be the best means of confronting sinful, unrepentant partners with tough, uncompromising love.

    Stand strong and take action. This is not only a fight for what God has ordained to be a blessing to couples, it is a chance to regain the dignity God intended you to have as a wife and as a woman.

    Praying for you,
    Mark

  11. Why is it that every time a man watches porn he is instantly labeled a “sex addict” or a he is “porn addicted”. This nonsense would never happen if a man drank a few beers at dinner, not everyone would jump up and down and go on about what an alcoholic he is. If a woman takes a xanax after a hard day with the kids is she “addicted to pills”??? No of course not, so why then must people lump all people who use porn with those who may have a legitimate addiction. And just an FYI there is no standard in medical terms for “porn addiction.”
    I say if a man is using porn instead of having sex with his wife then he may have a problem but if a man is using porn because his wife withholds sex (a huge problem for many men) then he just has a bad wife and then it is on her.

  12. The potential for entrapment is what is so important to keep in mind here. The images of illicit behavior produce a physiological response that chemically creates a “bonding” effect. The arousal over time takes more intense stimuli for the same response. Then, the potential that your spouse can not compete with these type of stimuli is very high. So the impact on your marriage is then very real. As you mentioned the withholding of sex from a partner as a reason to use porn, my guess is that porn doesn’t end up increasing the sexual connection between partners. Exploring the root cause of the sexual distance through some counseling would help open the door to authentic increased intimacy, not only sexually, but emotionally as well.

  13. My husband of 17 years has struggle a lot with porn. We have five children and during the pregnancy of the last one 13 months ago he charged up porn fees again when I was 7 month pregnant. We are baptized Christians yet fail on our daily walk commitments which I do know makes us vulnerable. Recently I have been out of town caring for his terminally ill father. This has been the longest I have been away from my husband, and now I find myself tempted sexually toward porn. I stumbled onto it a few days ago and I am finding myself going back for more and more…I myself am nearly forty and have never experienced in such a way the power of such “lusting” before. It has opened my eyes to the fact that I understand the power of porn on men. I being female…less visual am drawn to it as well. It feels wrong, yet so powerful in its allure. I can see how it can capture you and now I have these images in my mind. I feel like I want to talk with my husband about this but am scared…I am unsure where to begin. I am so tired of shame being at the center of our marriage…I have shamed him for so long and now look at me…no better. Shame that does not heal can just as easily destroy a marriage as the acts that started it all in the first place.. Obviously there is a lot of things happening in our lives that are stressful right now. I long to be close with him spiritually and physically. And I know I did not look at porn myself to hurt him in anyway. It is unfortunate cyber porn is so easy to access, because other wise I think most folks would not go out of their way to get it. Words of advice please.

    • hey springtimegirl — thank you for being so open and honest, really that is the first step. being able to recognize your issues and “own” them as this article states. you know, i think the bigger issue here isn’t so much porn as it is “self.” a porn-addiction is a product of a “self-addiction.” being addicted to the pleasures of this world, the things that make us feel good, even if only temporary. we use things all the time and don’t even realize it, porn is just another one of those things that we turn to when we are in a state of “self-addiction.” the only cure for this addiction of self is to turn to God and focus all of your heart, mind, and soul on loving Him. Not being loved by Him, which is undoubtedly true, but loving Him.

      i remember when i first met george… we were so passionately in love that we would stay up until 4am talking and then wake up 3 hours later for work. we were a little tired, but got through the day because we knew we had each other. if only we loved God with as much passion. the passion to not even want to fall asleep because we desperately want to talk to Him, more and more. the passion to wake up every morning excited to talk to Him again. He is all we think about, all we need to go on.

      isn’t that beautiful? now, that is the true problem with porn, lust, insecurities, pride, selfishness — we don’t love God enough. if we did… if we loved Him with as much passion as we often love things in this world… i think we would a lot less pride and a lot more love. what do you think?

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