Before I get into five surefire ways to motivate your child to use pornography, let me establish two important points. The first is no parent wants their child to become involved in pornography. We all can agree on this.
The problem for many of us is we do not understand the insidious allurement of pornography and how our behavior, though unintentional, can help shape a child to crave something which can lead him into a lifetime of slavery.
There are always unintended consequences to our actions. We can’t act one way, good or bad, and not expect our actions to have unintended consequences. Like a rock dropped into a lake, there will always be a ripple effect to our attitudes and actions.
Secondly, pornography for a man is not primarily about the physicality of a woman. A woman’s appearance is an external magnet for the eye to enjoy, but the greater problem for the man is his insatiable cravings of the mind.
Pornography is first and foremost about the theater of the mind, where the young male can enter into his virtual world and be king for a day or in this case, king for a few minutes as he satiates his mind with the risk-free intrigue of the cyber conquest. Porn is a secret world all of the time. Porn resides in the heart. It is lust, which feeds itself while in the darkness of a person’s mind.
This makes what we do as parents all the more important because the mind of the child is not altogether discernible. The seeds of lust can be planted in the mind of a child many years before he is old enough to act out on what has been growing inside his heart. This is the message of James.
But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)
Though James is speaking in a continuum—lured, enticed, desire, conceived, sin, and death—he does not say these events happen in a rapid-sequence. It can take years for all these sinful events to transpire. In most cases the allurement and enticement of the porn addict began in the theater of his mind while he was a child. This has been a consistent pattern I have seen in counseling. You will see in my five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use pornography how any child can be in porn training without the child or the parents knowing how he was wrongly shaped.
1. Non-Romantic Marriage
Porn Training: Only certain kinds of women are porn-worthy.
The Christian home should be a sexual home. God said sex was good and His first couple were not ashamed about their unique sexuality. It was only when sin entered their world that people became giggly about sex and sexuality. One of the biggest unintended consequences of the non-romantic marriage is how it communicates certain people are not porn-worthy.
Before your mouth completely hits the floor, let me explain.
A major characteristic of the porn-trained mind is how some people are worthy to be lusted after and others are not worthy. There is no question about what kind of woman is porn-worthy. There is not a woman in America who does not know this, which is why many of them obsess over how they look, how much they weigh, what they wear, and the horror of growing old.
Though they would not say it the way I have stated it—as being porn-worthy—many of them want to be worthy of their husband’s attention. They want to be desired. While this is not all bad, it can be deadly, especially in a marriage where she is not desired. A husband who will not romantically pursue his wife is sending a message to his children about how she is not worthy of being pursued. She does not fit the criteria. She is not attractive enough to be pursued.
In addition, when the children’s minds are filled with sensual TV commercials and movies, it begins to establish the kind of beauty which is worthy of their gaze. Our children need to be taught about real beauty as seen in the relationship between their dads and moms.
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. (1 Peter 3:3-4)
One of the best ways for the husband to highlight real beauty is for him to pursue his wife in the home. There needs to be a lot of hugging and kissing between the husband and wife. Release biblical sexuality and romance from its shameful prison and teach your children a biblical view of love.
Children need to see marital romantic affection. The dad can send a clear message to his children regarding what beauty is and what turns him on—though he would not say it this way to his children. Holding hands, dancing in the living room, hugging for long periods of time, and smooching in front of the kids are beautiful examples of who and what is worthy of a man’s love.
2. Instant Gratification
Porn Training: Cyber women are downloadable and extinguishable.
The spoiled child who is given everything he wants is a perfect candidate for porn training. Another main characteristic of the pornographer is the easy accessibility and extinguishability of the cyber girl.
Too many of our children have not heard the word no. They are often given the desires of their heart. It used to be children were glad to have their needs met, but that day has passed. Not only are needs an expectation and an assumption, but so are the desires. You’ll see this in the average middle school church ministry.
My daughter came home the other day telling me how most of the sixth graders in the group had iPhones. When children run the home by easily persuading their parents to give them the desires of their heart, then there is nothing to stop the child from getting into porn if the opportunity arises. And the opportunity will arise.
I heard a stat recently which said out of 813 adults from 18-26, two out of three agreed pornography viewing was acceptable. 86% of the men and 32% of the women used porn. The percentage among women is growing. I think we all agree porn is exponentially easier to access than it was just ten years ago. If the child is set up to get his selfish desires met, it won’t be hard for him to be allured by porn.
- The spoiled child gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
- The porn addict gets what he wants when he wants it with no regard for right or wrong.
Instant gratification in a child breeds instant gratification in adults. We’re hiding our heads in the sand (self-deception) to think we can meet all the desires of our child’s heart and expect him not to be this way when he becomes an adult.
Want some tips on how to equip your kids to use technology wisely and how to talk with them about things like porn and sexuality? Download the free e-book Equipped: Raising Godly Digital Natives.
3. Non-Communicative Couples
Porn Training: Married couples communicate less and less, a requirement for porn enjoyment.
One of the common complaints I hear from couples in marriage counseling is the couple’s lack of communication. They hardly talk to each other. If they do talk, it’s usually about family events, mutual transactions, and marital business.
This is a perfect setup for the porn trainee because viewing porn has nothing to do with verbal communication. Porn is about visually enjoying women in order to feed the mind. Who needs to talk? The heart of porn use is privatized self-centeredness. It’s a man isolating himself in order to watch a video.
The heart of the non-communicative couple is self-centeredness. It’s two people married to each other, but living in their private worlds. The children of non-communicative parents are trained in the de-valuing of words, but it’s more than this. It’s the devaluing of the opposite sex. A man who does not talk to his wife is sending a loud message—she is not worthy of his words.
Nothing devalues a woman more than pornography. The female is objectified only for the purpose of being used in a slavish way to satisfy the putrid mind of a man. There is no communication in this scenario.
Husbands, your children need to see the value you give your wife by giving her some of your best words throughout your day. I’m not talking about words which satisfy the family schedule or the financial budget. I’m talking about words which build up, cherish, nourish, and adore your wife. Show the value you place on the woman you married. Let her be exalted in the minds of your children.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)
Teach them to talk in ways which build-up the other person. You’re not only valuing the person, but you’re exalting the use of words. This is one of the most powerful ways the Lord builds us up—through His Words.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)
4. No Consequences for Actions
Porn Training: Teaches a false confidence through a risk-free relationship.
Along with the spoiled child mentioned above, there is a parallel parental action to giving the kid whatever he desires. This is the parent who teaches little to no consequences for his actions. A child who does not have to pay for what he has done wrong will learn how to get away with anything.
This, too, is a major characteristic of a porn addiction. It gives the addict a false confidence in a risk-free virtual environment.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. (Hebrews 12:6)
Children must have a comprehensive view of love, which means they must be appropriately disciplined when they do wrong. The spoiled child who suffers little consequences in life will have a low regard for rules and authority.
Porn has no rules and low risk. It doesn’t take much to enter the porn world. It’s not like robbing a bank, which makes porn’s allurement all the more appealing. A child who knows he can get away with things is easy prey for the tentacles of pornography.
I’m all for grace-motivated living and doling out affection on my children, but I’m not for letting them get away with sin. We have clear sin categories in our home and my children know where the lines have been drawn. This is a matter of respect and honor for God and His Word. There is a right and a wrong. The porn addict does not have this kind of respect. The lines are blurred, a reality for him which did not begin when he first stumbled onto pornography.
Many porn addicts have a low view of the law of God. They simply do not care, because they have not been made to care. One of the ways you can discern this in your child is by how he respects his siblings or his mother. Typically a child will push his mother farther than he will push his dad. When children do this, they are stretching the boundaries of honor, respect, kindness, and biblical love.
These four things, among several other character traits, are also absent from the porn user. As a parent, you may want to examine how you honor, respect, show kindness, and biblically love those in your home and community.
5. Critical Community in the Home
Porn Training: Criticism and anger are the most common ways we devalue others.
Is your home a critical community? If you were to assess your home, would you determine there is more encouragement, praise, affirmation, and love or is there more frustration, impatience, criticalness, and self-centeredness?
The porn world is a refuge where people go to escape the realities of their lives. It’s a risk-free haven where the addict can be in control, while satisfying his weary mind. There is no place which will affect his mind more than what goes on in his home. Even the church cannot accomplish what the home can accomplish, good or bad.
If the home is not a refuge of encouragement, your child will be tempted to find refuge in other places. Porn is one of the easiest places for him to get lost in the moment. It gives him a satisfying power which he does not experience in his real world. He can go into his momentary addiction and seize the moment with no fear whatsoever of being condemned, judged, criticized, or disappointed. All he will need to do is tweak his conscience in order to feed his habit. Once his conscience is appropriately hardened, he is home-free—according to his self-deception.
The best antidote for this kind of twisted thinking is to create a culture of encouragement in his home. Isn’t this what the Gospel is all about? Each time you read God’s Word you find some kind of benefit? You are encouraged? You are helped? Compare how God’s Words affect you and how your words affect others.
The Porn Trained Kid
Porn training does not happen by volition. It happens by default if the parents are not attuned to the kind of home they have created. Kids are responders and they will respond to what the parent is providing them.
The question now becomes, what are we exporting to our children? We’re all exporting something. The good news for the humble person is he can examine his mind and behavior through the lens of this article and be changed. All a parent needs to do is to implement the needed changes listed under each of the five points mentioned. If you do this, then plan on being surprised by God. His Word is true—He gives favor to the humble (James 4:6).
This article also appears on RickThomas.net: “Five sure-fire ways to motivate your child to use porn“
Just stumbled across this today. Thanks, Rick, for posting this. As a woman who has struggled with sexual sin, I can see each one of these in my home growing up, and am glad to be able to start sorting out some more reasons why. I know you probably don’t counsel many girls/women with these problems, but it often feels like those of us who are women who struggle with this are left out of the discussion. I’d love to hear your thoughts (or someone you know who might have more info) on this topic for girls/women. Just food for thought. Great article!
As a recovering addict, I can tell you the number one thing (after prayer and asking for God’s wisdom in this matter) all parents should do, is remove ANY and ALL computers with internet access & web-cams, from the childrens AND teens rooms.
Not just to prevent the viewing of porn but to prevent your children (particularly girls) from becoming participants in the porn. I can’t tell you over the years how many children I saw alone in their room in online video chat-rooms that were either asked to disrobe(and some did & more), or were exposed to by other men in the chat-rooms. Some parents think that if their child is in their room on-line that at least they are safe because they know where they are, but a lot of times nothing could be further from the truth. Parents need to smarten up big-time. Too many parents are either totally naive about what’s on the internet, or they just don’t care, and unfortunately that also includes christian parents.
Regardless of what slant it look’s like Rick may have put on the article, the fact of the matter is parenting is an equal partnership. BOTH parents share equal responsibility for raising their children in a Godly manner. Yes, the husband IS the head of the household as Jesus is the head of the Church, and ultimate responsibility lies with him, but both parents must share equally in the responsibilities of raising their children..
Great article but there was a skew of continuously saying that men should honor their wives. Women should equally honor their husbands. To think that because a man doesn’t honor his wife alone is creating the attitude in a young man’s heart is very unbalanced. Young men who saw their mothers only nagging their husbands or making fun of them or putting them down could very easily grow up to disrespect women and treat them badly because of unresolved anger towards their mother. I am not a trained therapist, but I am a pastor and know that BOTH parents are part of the shaping of their kids attitudes towards loving relationship by 1) the modeling by the parents towards one another and b) the love expressed by each parent towards their children AND c) the ways that each parent teach the kids to honor their parent (let’s serve mom breakfast in bed or let’s mow the lawn for dad). Kids needs all of it to have a healthy attitude. It is not a one-sided street. Good job, Rick, but for every time you encourage men to honor their wives, you should encourage women to honor their husbands.
We need to keep our eyes on god at all times it’s not about us at all it what he did and does for us each day we only breath because he lets us we are to always give of ourselfs because he gave first its a transformation of our minds daily because we spend time with him in his word We have to teach our kids that we can’t do it for them that at the end of the day it’s there relationship with Christ that matters We only have them for a season and it is short pray for them and get together with friends and pray for each others kids pray pray Pray and give thanks to our lord who pours his grace out daily to each of us.
Three and a half years ago, my husband and I met at a critical crossroads in our lives. We were both backslidden and living lives contrary to God’ Word. We mutually decided to leave everything, get married, and get our lives straightened out with the Lord together. I’ve kept my side the “bargain” so to speak. We now have 2 insanely beautiful little girls (not just mother’s pride – they are WAY too beautiful…) and I get no support in discipline, criticized and rejected physically and emotionally, etc. I more than realize than I am contributing to our problems by being stubborn and stuck in my ways. But of all 5 things listed here, there is not ONE thing that is being done right in our home. I’m trying! But I’m soooo completely lost in how to communicate the importance of protecting our kids from the garbage on TV, among many other things. Any help?
Lost Mom, your post lines up very similarly to my history. I will add you and your husband to my prayer list.
We have four beautiful girls. The only way we have found to combat the messages on TV is to remove television from our home. We also keep online video and DVDs to a minimum and it has made a huge impact. We went an entire week a few months back with no video at all in the home. It was the most peaceful time we have had and are getting to the point we need it again for a reset.
If you are not able to remove TV from the home completely, just turning it off and covering it up as much of the day as possible will make a huge difference.
I highly recommend the book, “Emotion Code,” by Dr. Bradley Nelson. He has a website (healers library.com) where you can also find people to help you through the process. It is effective for addictions, depression, even simple issues that seem to be holding you back. The book is not a book about addictions, though they are addressed–it is a book about healing and it is written for everyone and anyone! With proper tools there is no need to FEAR. The emotion code teaches how to find the root cause (in my view, this is most often because of the feeling of worthlessness–when we do not understand God’s intimate view of our great worth we feel darkness instead of Light). The book even addresses how to heal inherited weakness that may give certain predispositions to addictions and other issues. With practice, the Emotion Code can be used without aid of someone else, but I suggest using a practitioner initially to help guide you through the healing process until you learn how. But I love that the method teaches that we can all learn to use the method for free!
Furthermore, faith and fear cannot coexist. “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18 Do not beat yourself up if you feel helpless and fearful. Faith needs to be exercised before it is mastered. The journey of acquiring faith is exciting and beautiful and the more gratitude you infuse in the journey even in your darkest hours, the more the darkness will recede. It just takes practice. Faith is a desire to believe. Exercise the desire and the belief/knowledge will come. Faith precedes miracles.
God provides ways to help us heal. The Bible gives us the written guidelines, but there are inspired tools that can work with inspired texts for healing. Learning about healing tools that tap into our God-given intuition can give hope and faith, dispelling fear. We CAN heal from all sickness and we can begin healing NOW–in THIS life! Pray IN FAITH (not desperation), knowing that God can often only be heard and felt when we have peace and faith. Trust this way and the tools will fall into your lap. Fear will repel those tools and His inspiration. Faith invites Him–and He wants us to heal! (P.S.–you do not have to be religious to appreciate and use the book! The book has religious overtones, but is not a religious book. To maximize healing, I have the most profound effects when I use the Light-filled words of the Bible and powerful, peaceful, and faith-filled prayer and meditation to bring Light to my mind and to access the strongest Healing Energy in the universe. But the method works even without deep-seated religious beliefs.)
I would propose the reason this came off as husband bashing is because the husband is told to pursue his wife romantically and say uplifting things to his wife WITHOUT giving the corresponding instructions to the wife. The article would have been more balanced if it had included that when the husbands pursue their wives romantically, the wives are to respond. I am sad to say that my wife does not like public displays of affection in the home or out. She does a little, but ends it quickly. The clear message is that she doesn’t like it.
The husband is told to give his best words to his wife. This is true, but it must be reciprocated for it to work. Communication across the board his been generally painful in our 28 year marriage.
It takes two. Yes, the husband is called to lead by initiating, but wives are also called to respond.
I know what you’re talking about. My wife is the same way. It’s a real struggle. But read the scriptures, or any personal development book, or any book on leadership, and it all boils down to one thing. As much as we want it to be, Marriage (or any relationship) is not 50-50. It’s 100-0. This has been a very hard lesson to learn for me personally, but we have to give 100% and expect nothing in return. Our reward will come later. But if both sides act this way, the couple will have the marriage they’ve always wanted.
I’ll be praying for you and me both. :)
This article is amazing, Rick. As a husband, father, and man recovering from 25 years plus of addiction to pornography, I feel that you have nailed the main contributors to porn addiction. I can relate to every aspect laid out and agree with your insight, because I have been through it. In no way do I feel offended by your words as a man. I am at a place in my journey of recovery that I can say with full confidence that the only reason I would not agree or understand your comments would be if I were still in denial and had more personal changes that I still needed to make. I do not say those words lightly or out of hate for others that don’t agree. I speak from the experience of having God fill my life with grace after years of struggling on my own, and I encourage any one still struggling (like myself) to keep fighting and keep praying.
As far as this leaning towards men, why would you not speak to the ones who struggle with the problem the most. If you were a fitness expert, would you not gear your advice to people struggling with being over weight. If statistically the vast majority of people struggling with how to handle this addiction (because that’s what it is), then why would you not gear the advice to men. There was not one moment of blame towards men in this article, only sound advice for what can be done by men to turn this very real situation around.
Now, this does not excuse women from the problem. They have their own role. It is a very important one. To hear that the number of women addicted to porn is growing is the most concerning part of this article. Men are the head of the family unite. Women are the heart. I know plenty of brain dead people that still make it in life, but when the heart stops pumping, the family dies. Men and women both share a part in fixing the culture and turning the current around in society. It is not an equal task. We have our own roles to play. I think the men’s role is very well stated above, but maybe not enough of the women’s. When women contribute to porn in any way, they hurt themselves, their own marriage and children, and the women that will come in future generations. So much could be said from this point, but that would be an article of it’s own. What it boils down to though for women, is not only that they experience a good role model come from their mother, but that their father plays the role in their life that God intended him to do. If young girls were loved the way the Bible teaches fathers to love their wives and children, there would be a lot less women willing to subject themselves to what other men get to enjoy through porn. Which brings us full circle back to men standing up and following what this article lays out.
Thank you, Rick.
Thank you paul for your comment. I love my husband of 3 years and we have a wonderful godly relationship but he struggles. I have seen much progress in fleeing this particular sin and turning to God and his word. Ive encouraged and pray for him much. I recognize that he (as well as myself) is a sinful human being and will never be completely free from sin. I expect to be disapointed occasionally but know that he is stronger than he thinks sometimes. I will continue to pray and strive to be the best godly wife I can be. I know I cant take responsibility for his actions. I also know that he is the head of the home and i will respect him as such. That goes a long to to having a happy husband I think. Im glad he takes this role very seriously. Thanks again for your willingness to share and the truth that I stand for as well.
Paul. Thank you! Thank you! I appreciate your comment so much!
Thank you, Rick, for this amazing article, so well expressed.
I have been sober in SA since Oct, 2009, and have moderated an anonymous 12-Step SA program for men since the summer of 2010. As a sponsor I have counseled scores of men suffering from the Sex and Lust Addiction, which obviously includes compulsive porn use.
The 12-Step approach involves getting down to “causes and conditions”, uncovering the “why” and “what” it is that makes so many men AND women choose to medicate themselves with porn or other self-destructive behaviors when confronted with the “stuff of life.” I have found patterns that concur with your article – not only are one or more of these 5 points missing, but estrangement from parents in ANY way produces a child, and eventually an adult, who has not seen by example the coping skills needed to deal with life’s curve balls with a positive, healthy attitude. Mostly, I have seen that obsessive resentment of parents and significant others because of real or imagined injustices, fills these men with such guilt and shame that leads to self-pity, self-hatred, and such internal pain where the only way to get through life is to turn their porn attraction into porn and sex addiction.
However, there is hope, and through a 12-Step program hundreds and thousands of people with all the different addictions have been able to find freedom and recovery from their disease. I highly recommend suggesting to anyone ready to stop obsessive porn use, etc, to join SA and participate in a real active 12-Step Program, where one can learn the skills their parents didn’t teach or show them and find freedom.
One last comment, if I may: Yes, we parents can try every recipe listed here, and others, to give our children the best emotional security, and empower them to make healthier choices when their peers tempt them with new and exciting ideas. However, don’t forget the “third partner” in the parenting of a child – G-d Himself. Recognizing and surrendering our will to G-d’s Will means that we accept His outcomes. If in His infinite wisdom He has determined that a child must grow into an adult with a specific set of challenges, then He has a plan for that person. They have a job to do in this world, and it might mean living in the depths of addiction in order to come out of it when He is ready, to have the sufferer recover and then turn to join the army of G-d’s soldiers helping others to recover.
So no matter how far the young or adult child goes down the slope of pornography, give them your UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Build and nurture their healthy self-esteem, not their guilt. An addiction is NOT a “grab by the Satan” – it is beyond that, it is a disease, like cancer, that is NOT the child’s fault, and not the parent’s fault for having poor parenting skills either. With love, patience, and understanding, give your children the tools and time they need to grow out of this.
And, above all, KEEP PRAYING for them, no matter what. As the 12-Step Program tenant says, that once we let go and trust Him with our lives, “G-d will do for us what we can not do for ourselves.”
Steve, Why can’t you say GOD???? I find your hyphenation very rude and offensive.
Many use “G-d” for the same reason that they don’t utter or write God’s name, to avoid taking his name is vain.
Best response. Amen. Addictive personalities have much more to do with searching for self-medication to calm the self loathing , than just a desire to be naughty. Oftentimes , addicts are those with the biggest hearts who just hurt so much that they need to feel something else in a strong way to counteract the internal pain. If we learn to have a little compassion, healing and change can take place.
Rick,
I would like to thank you for your article. As a mother of three young boys, ages 8, 7 and 6, this was a great eye opener for me. There are some things that we seem to be doing great on, but there were a couple that kind of slapped me upside the head too. My husband and I are missionaries in Ukraine and we try to model our love for God and teach our children not only to do as we say, but to do as we do. But there are some areas that we fall short in and this article was a great reminder of that! Thank you!!!