When I first met George he said he always wanted to find a woman who loved Jesus more than she’d love him. He doted over the fact that I fit that criteria. I was so in love with Jesus back then, nothing could shake me. Or so I thought.
My relationship with Jesus was based on emotions. And when I moved to PA with George, the church we went to felt like walking into a lonely basement. I felt so disconnected. His mom hated me, and made that very clear from day one. All of these things weighed on me and deadened my emotions, which made my relationship with Jesus suffer. George and I became more and more physical before we married. I started getting drunk on occasion. I loved the party life, and going to clubs where he sang as a lead singer for his band. I loved that life.
My emotions died and were replaced with empty life. Until it all came crashing down. George always told me he’d never looked at porn since he met me, but I found out otherwise. And he continued to lie even after I found out… which killed me.
I completely shut down. My emotions were dead. Spiritually I felt dead. Mentally, exasperated. I had nothing and Jesus felt as distant as Saturn. Because I pushed Him away. And I replaced Him with George.
There, at the top of my life, sat George. He doted over the fact that I loved Jesus more than Him. But I didn’t. And my love for Jesus changed with the sway of the breeze. So did my love for George. I was a nervous wreck, an insecure, bitter, depressed, lonely wife who thought the only escape was divorce. But I had a baby. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents, but I wanted to stay home with my baby.
I was so lost. Every road seemed to be a dead end.
I actually hated God at some points for what He did to me.
Until I realized that He never did anything. I left God. I betrayed Him for the love of my husband. I created a god out of my husband and let my Father standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to Him. He reached out His hand, but I pushed Him away, saying He “felt” too distant.
I couldn’t feel anymore.
But then I said “Yes” to Jesus, even when I couldn’t feel it. And since that day I’ve grown closer and closer. My insecurities vanished the day I finally committed to keep Jesus number 1 and make my husband number 2. My joy returned, regardless of my fluctuating emotions, the day I chose Jesus over my husband. And yes, George has made some mistakes since then, and wow… my reactions have changed 100%.
Because I have actually started to live out the beauty of loving Jesus more than my husband.
The amazing thing about this… is that I love my husband in a way I never could before. When I made him an idol and allowed him to affect my security and contentment and validate my worth… I pushed God out of the way and didn’t even love my husband like I could through God’s love, through keeping God Number 1. I loved George through selfishness. I loved him conditionally. I was only faithful to the point that he was faithful. I was revengeful, sad, and annoyingly insecure.
Now, Jesus is number 1. And I love my husband so much more than I ever could before. I love him like God loved me when I betrayed Him.
I’m so glad George is no longer an idol in my life. And I encourage you to search out your life and heart and find out if you are giving your husband a place in your life he doesn’t deserve. If so, no matter how dead you feel inside, allow God to regain His role in your life. And watch how beautiful the storms become.
For more information:
- Read more of Ashley’s blog posts.
- Please visit our page of resources for wives of porn addicts.
I’m kind of in the same situation I recommitted my life to The Lord 2 months ago but because I was emotionally hurt and was having financial problems with my fiancé so when I got back with my fiancé as a Christian woman , he wasn’t happy. He is an “atheist” so I continued to go to church and get involved, and things just got worst we have 2 daughters together , so I got so involved I hardly saw my fiancé he didn’t wAnt to come with me to church. After a couple of weeks he told me he wasn’t happy, he didn’t wAnt to be with a Christian woman and knew it would never work out. I was devastated and about to loose me family he finally decided to go to church with he came with me 2 times he hated it! And was at the point of walking out, I loved him so much I stopped going to church so I wouldn’t loose him. I did miss him and was lonely without him, I was expecting to feel happy and thought things were going to go back as they were once before Jesus. But the happiness I thought I was going to have is not there yes I’m back with him and left the church, but I feel more miserable and empty as I did before I recommitted to The Lord. My fiancé repurposed to and are scheduled to marry in 1 month. I’m having second thoughts I’m not happy I feel guilty because I betrayed Jesus I made my fiancé my idol and my God. I want to walk out but this fire I’ve created has just become greater and is getting greater and getting harder to walk out of it. Please help!
It sounds like you know it is important to call this off, at least for now. It is so important for Christians to marry Christians. It is one thing when someone converts while married. It is another thing before you’ve tied the knot. The fact that you recognize that your fiance is your idol means you are well ahead of the game. Don’t let him drag you down.
Hello! Im so glad that I found this story, today I realized that I made my boyfriend as my idol, i feel very bad, same emotions as You had. Could You please send me more informations or resources about how to make God #1? I want to do that before I get married.
Thank God for this website, that I found You. my email – eva.caune@gmail.com
Wow… this sounds exactly what is happening to me. Reading this just made it click. I am so bitter and angry even at my husband. It is all because God isnt number 1.
I’m grateful for this because my marriage is the first real relationship that I have been in. I’m only 22 years of age yet and still it is hard for me. I come from a line of woman who were really successful and felt like they didn’t need a man to be happy. And to this day only 1 of their marriages has survived. Idk if the woman in my family divorced because some did not want to compromise their relationships with God or they didn’t have the strength to hold on. I feel as if I have to prove myself different and not allow myself to be affected by others circumstances and situations because we always think we will end up like those around us if we do not keep our mind positive and our hearts pure because we are the company that we keep. I believe my marriage will be a lot better as long as I leave fear out of my marriage and apply faith to the dark areas. Our spouses can not do what are parents or guidances did not do for us. Its up to us to build and stand upon bridges even when it feels the bridge is about to break; we have to believe that God is going to catch us when we think we’re falling. God Bless you Ashley for this, you are incredibly brave and a true example of Christ; may God be with you and your family always. <3
I’m finally learning to trust Jesus alone after a 3.5 years separation into a 20 yr marriage. I’m just starting to see how I depended on H to provide for me at every level. I’m glad to find out that God provides after all. I find it hard to forgive H at times, because I still think that he owes me… it’s that bad for me. However sometimes I overcome that and I am full of hope and gratitude for all I have in God, from God and through God. I suppose that is what i expected from idols or false gods – to provide what God only can provide. You ladies are smarter than me, to realize all this before it is too late. I have a lot of growing to do and a long way to go. I am standing for the restoration of my marriage. If you are in my situation and don’t know what to do, ask God if He wants you to stand firm in your position until He brings back your marriage from the dead, against all odds.
Thanks for sharing your story, Marie. It is encouraging to hear stories of changed hearts!
I lost my husband because of it. I made him an idol. It was the same thing. but I pray that the Lord will give me another chance to worship Him in spirit and in true through Jesus. And love my husband through Jesus Christ and not idolize him. I thank you so much for your message. This is me and my husband all the way. He doesn’t effect me anymore. Nor does my father or even my grandfathers or even the pastors at the church. I had no idea that when people effect your emotions it;s a source of making them gods. I had no idea. I’m so sorry Lord, I didn’t know. I didn’t understand and now I believe, even though I don’t feel it, because I don’t, I am healed and even though I don’t feel my husband is coming back, we made a convenant before the Lord, he’s coming back and even though I don’t feel it, I will prepare for his return as well. I was with Jesus for emotional reasons too. but Now I am with him for him only. and nothing less. Thank you. I’m free. Churches use to do that to me too, I use to idolize the churches i went to and have them base where i need to be how. along with church leaders and those who were training to be littles. what took the cake for me is when the mistakenly said that i was representing them. The Lord Himself rose up and said, No I’m Not! I know this doesn’t make sense just pray for me.
where I said little’s I meant leaders and where I said the mistakenly I meant they mistakenly said that I was representing them, it was not what they said, it was how they said it. Sorry for the confusion. I’m sure you all understand where I’m coming from. However my husband and I were intimate before we married and we did drink and went to parties as well, even though I was saved, I shouldn’t have participated in it. And I shouldn’t have let him take full control in of my life like that. He is not God. He’s only a man. I thank you Jesus, he’s only a man, and he’s not difficult to deal with or cope or, or any man for that matter. They are simple, we are the complex one’s because we are the thinkers and ‘feelers’, they are the doers. I love them! Keep me in prayer for my husbands return, he will return. I just know it.
Thank you for sharing, Tamikaq. It has been said that the human heart is an idol-factory. I couldn’t agree more.
Hey ladies, I stummbled on this blog because I was curious to no if a husband can be an idol. Im happy to confirm that through this blog that i learned that he can. Im not married im just trying to prepare my spirit and mind for what may lay ahead. Ive watch over the years as men and woman in my family fall under the sin of allowing their spouse to be their ruler and God and ive watched and witnessed how their spouse misuses and abuses their power. Even in homes declared to have the spirit and those whom serve god; have deceitfuly been lead astray by their spouse by seeking to please their spouse before seeking to please god. Im not married so i wont pretend to no the battles couples face after marriage but I do no my word. And i will leave you all with this 1Corinthians 7 It has been prophesised that children of God who marry will have many tribulations in life because of the split desire to please their spouse and God. But all things are possiblie through christ who strengthens us.Amen.W e are not born of the flesh but of the spirit and are of a new creation. We are know aliens to this world with the ability to conquor all sin. All that we face we have the ability to have victory over. Beleive, Trust and except as FACT that you are of noble priest hood and take up your cross and remember we of the spirit are of noble birth and of a honorable family. Maintain your spiritual fervor and STAY CONNECTED no matter what. Those who are married should live as though they were not and maintain your seperate independant lives. Stay buisy serving, helping and saving the lost. Their is always someone in need so you are never without cause nor purpose. Love the body and embrace them; if not MORE that your natural family and encourage one another daily. Take care of widowso and orphans and keep yourself from being POLLUTED by the world for that is relifion that is pleasing to our father. Conform to the pattern of this world no longer and seek christ above all things. Never compromise God. If a man is tempting you or has tempted you away from our father I’d question his loyalties and seek spiritual counseling immediately. I am in search of a husband and prey I dont fall vistim to the tempation of making a man my idol. Glory to you who have overcome that struggle I fear i may not be one to overcome such a fall. Glory and peace to you my sisters. May you overcome all trials and tribulations ahead. God bless
i love this story. It’s like you wrote my whole relationship from beginning to end ,
my husband was battling porn & in a band, & when he did this i thought everything i thought was sexy about me was gone! i thought GOD i waited for the right guy thought it was him married him & BOOM! what happened. i fell apart . it was like an alice in wonderland feeling, till this day i still battle my insecurity when i see a women with her body flaunting or exposed wondering if he’d find her more attractive. [sigh , what a stronghold] writing this is making me a bit emotional cause after this all happen i went back to my old habits, old wardrobe got tattoos & exotic things & piercings. But man those were an empty 7 months . Now i’m pregnant & fearing losing my body. He’s stopped all sense of pornography. Treats me like a queen. Somehow i’m still feeling distant like i don’t know if God is passionate with me anymore. i think about him daily & serve him & have big plans but am still feeling empty what gives?
Thank you. No, no party scene for me either, but I know in my heart … the words you spoke echo into my life. God was #1 and He brought me my husband… I wasn’t looking. Was my relationship with the Lord just emotions? Don’t think so. But I transferred my faith in a sovereign unchangeable and loving God to the tangible vessel He was using. I so miss trusting my husband. I so hate the “annoying” insecurity.
Allow him to affect my security and contentment, validate my worth – how I grapple with those statements. Lord, reign in me again. Reign in your power, over all my dreams, in my darkest hour. You are the One, over all I am..
I am crying as I read this. I didn’t know that anyone had the same story. It’s me and my huband exactly (except for the club scene)…even down to my M-I-L hates me. I am 22, married and have a toddler and one on the way. I asked God to show me how to heal and trust again and God led me to this site today. I am turning back to Him, and learning how to make God # 1 in my life again… Thank you!
Hey Sue — can you email me at ashley@morethandesire.com … I’d like to send you my books for free. :)
My husband is self-destructing. He was caught cross-dressing 18 years ago (before we were married). He has lived in shame, self-hatred, and bondage all these years, and I never knew. Now he is near the edge and I am too. I would walk on glass to bring peace to his soul! Everyday when he leaves for work, it’s like he’s dying and I weep uncontrollably. I realize now that I feel as though I can save him. That if I just love him enough, he’ll finally feel at peace. He feels absolutely and utterly rejected by everyone. I know now that I have put him above God. My conflict lies in walking towards God may mean leaving him behind. I can’t live with the thought that he would think I’ve moved on while he suffers alone. At this moment I’d rather sink down into his pit and at least BE with him than have peace and joy without him.
Wow. My heart just breaks for you, and for your husband. I pray that God will show his great, great love and compassion to each of you in ways that are unmistakable. Ephesians 3 says that His love is so great we can’t comprehend it, we just get to experience it. I pray that for both of you right now.
I hear what you’re saying about feeling like you had to save him–but it seems like you’re running on fumes here yourself. I don’t know what the outcome will be for you, or what boundaries you’ll feel are healthy in this, but I know for sure that God’s love for you, and God’s love for your husband, will never, ever run out.
The thing I’ve had to learn for myself is that when I cannot do one more thing for someone else, God still can. In fact, my own experience is that the very best things have happened when I could not, and then God did.
Praying for you–Kay
I did the same