I Was the “Perfect” Christian Girl and Addicted to Porn

I was introduced to pornography toward the end of elementary school. As a young Christian girl who had never imagined, seen or heard about such things, this exposure planted a seed in my mind that I was not prepared to face.

In addition to being molested and exposed to sexuality at an early age, I was given a cell phone in early middle school with unlimited internet access. This was a recipe for disaster that no one knew about. From the beginning of middle school up until my first year of college, I was addicted to pornography. I didn’t know how to shake it. I didn’t have accountability. I didn’t want anyone to know that I wasn’t the perfect Christian I made myself out to be while leading worship every Sunday morning. I didn’t want my parents to feel betrayed after trusting me to steward my internet privileges well.

I Thought I’d Be Addicted Forever

I thought that I was going to be addicted forever, and I knew that if I was, it would ruin my life. One day during my junior year of high school, I attended a Christian conference with my mom. I had no idea that one of the sermons was going to be about pornography, but I immediately knew that God was opening a door for me once I heard it. I prayed for boldness as I opened up to my mom after the conference and told her everything. I remember feeling like I would finally be free from my addiction.

However, I was wrong. We had not established any system for accountability, and I was too ashamed to let her know when I started to face temptations. Fast forward to 2021, my first year of college, and I was still struggling with pornography. I felt more shameful than ever, as I now felt like I was deceiving all of my new college friends, especially my roommate.

My mental health deteriorated as I began to feel dirty and unloveable. I put up barriers to limit anyone from getting too close to me, whether emotionally or physically because I felt that they would be disgusted by me if they knew the truth. I finally decided I needed to do something to end this once and for all. In my “spiritual formation” class, the topic of pornography came up often. I couldn’t help but feel like the professor could see right through me as I tried to avoid eye contact while discussing this topic.

God Opened a Door

One day, while reading Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard for a class assignment, God clearly directed me to go to my professor’s office and speak to him immediately. Yes, he was a male, which made me even more intimidated, but I went. After taking a seat in his office, I started by making small talk and sharing about how much I’ve been enjoying the class. Doubt crept up in my mind as I started to consider saying goodbye and hoping to bring up the topic next time, until… “Is there something more specific you wanted to tell me about today?” The words came from my professor’s mouth, and I knew that God was opening a door for me once again. I felt a sense of peace and boldness as I shared my entire testimony with my professor, which ended with us both in tears.

My professor encouraged me to talk to both of my parents and to come up with a strategic plan for accountability and prevention. Covenant Eyes was the obvious answer. After a long and emotional phone call with my parents, we installed Covenant Eyes on all of our devices, and I have not given in to the temptation of pornography since then. It has only been a year now, but as more time goes by, the idea of pornography fades farther and farther from my mind.

Freedom Instead of Fear and Shame

Because of Covenant Eyes, I am living in freedom instead of in fear and shame. I have allowed myself to form closer relationships with friends, my parents, myself, and with God. I am extremely thankful for Covenant Eyes and believe that it should be installed on every device in a family household. The unrestricted internet access that most children have today is utterly terrifying. When I have children and they are old enough to have their own cell phones, my husband and I will have a conversation with them to let them know about the dangers of pornography and why we have installed Covenant Eyes on their devices.

I believe that this should be the universal protocol for every family to prevent the plague of pornography, regardless of the trust that parents may have in their children.