It might have been the most traumatizing day of my dramatic 13-year-old existence. My mom took me to the mall, and, only after walking into the department store, announced that she planned on buying me a purity ring. To me, she might as well have hijacked the PA system and told the entire mall her daughter was a virgin. I pitched a royal hormonal teenager fit, and we left ringless.
Purity rings and pledges were all the rage when I was 13, but I was embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, and angry. I was a virgin, yes, but I had already lost my purity. Wearing a cute ring could never change that. The last thing I wanted was a shiny reminder of where I was supposed to be. I did not want one because I did not deserve to wear one. They were reserved for the pure, the chaste, the perfect; I was none of those.
My mother was crushed. In her heart, denying a ring was like saying, “No, Mom, I actually plan on having sex before I am married,” but that was far from the case.
Being a teenager during the “True Love Waits” movement meant purity rings in every magazine and purity pledges to sign and frame and hang on the wall. Yet, here we sit, in the aftermath of the “True Love Waits” movement, living together, divorcing, ‘hooking up,’ and more addicted to porn than ever before. The contracts are packed away gathering dust and the rings long since gone. My years of working with young women have taught me something. The purity ring approach does not work, and here’s why:
1. Purity is a heart choice.
With all the emphasis placed on abstinence, purity rings might well be renamed abstinence rings. Abstinence and purity are not the same. Purity actually has very little to do with sex. Sexual acting out is the ultimate manifestation of impurity. Anybody—Christian or not—can be abstinent. Purity is a heart attitude that affects how I live my life, not just how I use my body.
2. Purity requires God’s strength.
Because abstinence involves our physical interactions with another living, breathing, human being, it can be accomplished through sheer grit, determination, logic, or fear. Because purity is more personal and less visible, it requires the working of God’s Holy Spirit in our lives. It requires His grace and His enabling in order for us to live lives that honor and glorify Him.
3. Purity is not a one-time choice.
It is an important decision, yes, but it is also a daily decision. Purity is a daily, even moment-by-moment battle that is only getting worse. Preparation for that battle does not take place in one moment. Victory is not guaranteed because of choices you made yesterday. Sign all the contracts you would like, but the porn will not go away.
4. Purity is ultimately their decision.
We can be guilty of treating purity rings and contracts like the 21st Century chastity belt. You, the parent, have placed the ring on your daughter; therefore she must be pure. No. You have given your daughter a piece of jewelry; she has to choose to be pure.
5. Purity is a lifestyle, not simply a part of your life.
I call this Jesus-fish Syndrome. You slap a Jesus fish (Icthus) on your car and it makes no difference what you do in that car, people should be able to notice, by the Jesus fish, that you are, obviously, a Christian. I have seen the same happen with purity ring wearers. One young woman I taught was overtly sexual and immodest. When I tried to approach the subject with her, she stopped me and showed me her hand, “I have a purity ring,” as if it were her license to do whatever she liked. It was her proof that she was, in her opinion, pure, but her life spoke loudly to the contrary. That ring had provided her with a false sense of purity.
. . . .
That being said, purity rings can be a great reminder of a choice to remain pure, but are by no means a prerequisite for purity. Choosing to wear a purity ring or choosing to sign a pledge is not the same as choosing to be pure. Purity goes deeper than a fear of STDs or the whole ‘emotional super glue’ speech. It is more than waiting until your wedding night to have sex. Purity even goes deeper than promising to never look at porn again. Purity addresses how you approach and worship an Almighty and Holy God, and it is a choice you are helpless to make without Him.
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More Resources from Jessica:
- Visit Jessica’s ministry online: BeggarsDaughter.com.
- A Letter to Dad (From a Girl Who Got Trapped by Pornography)
- How Do I Kick Masturbation Addiction?
- Why Young Women are Now Being Drawn to Pornography (includes a three-minute video interview with Jessica)
HI Jessica!
You make some great points about the ceremony. And I totally agree with these 5 points. I’m sorry that you felt embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, and angry. I hope there were people who came alongside you to affirm that you are not any less acceptable or loved by God.
It would be good to have these ceremonies include something about how there is grace and forgiveness available if (and when) people stumble and fall in this. We cannot separate this from the gospel.
If there are young people who have already had sex before marriage at the time of this ceremony, I’d hope that it would be affirmed that God loves them the same, and they can make a new commitment to purity until marriage, the so-called “second virgin.”
This is the message of 1 Corinthians 6. After Paul lists a bunch of impurities, he writes: “Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.” (1 Corinthians 6:11).
The five things you listed are spot on. They can also apply to marriage vows and even baptisms. I agree with the comments above, I think the question needs to be “How do we approach these pledges in a God-honoring, gospel-centered way.” and not necessarily “Do they work?”
Where does it say this in the Bible?
“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to thy Word.”
I think it’s a Psalm, and surely very relevant.
Psalm 119:9.
Nathan,
That is definitely an interesting thought. I think it is important to realize that Jesus is not condemning vows or oaths. In many cases, they are the same as promises and God makes plenty of those to us. What He is condemning, in the context of the culture, is the tendency to back out of a vow depending on what you swore. So it would be like a kid saying, “No, I didn’t promise to be pure, I signed a purity pledge and only purity ring wearers have to be pure. Pledges don’t count.” or “I had my fingers crossed when I made that promise, so it doesn’t count.” Those are the kinds of antics Jesus is speaking against. He wants us to be people of our word.
Are we heaping sin on ourselves by taking these vows? Well, I think that goes back to the point of WHO is taking the vow and what we understand the promise to be. No one should promise that they will never struggle. No one should promise that they will be pure in heart, mind, body, soul and spirit until the day they die. We are ALL going to struggle. But, we can promise to try our best, knowing that we are fallen and will continue to fall.
I don’t think you can condemn the actual act of promising, because if that were the case then there would be an issue with marriage, with business contracts, and with promising to pick up your friend’s kids from school. God simply wants us to be people of our word and to be careful about what we promise (or swear) to do.
Many people don’t give Jesus’s words, “don’t take a vow” very seriously. How do pledges and purity rings play into this? If we’re supposed to let our yes be yes and our no be no, then could it be that we’re heaping sun on our selves unnecessarily by taking these vows of purity?
Hello Jessica,
I appreciate your article, and I’m sorry that purity rings didn’t work for you. But I think you need to be careful about applying your own experience to the whole of reality. (That’s easy for us humans to do, unfortunately.) I could give you testimonies where both rings and certificates have worked.
I could give you testimony right now about a friend I just met, Hannah, who is 26 years old and a very godly single Christian lady. She told me that during her teen years she was tempted to engage in sexual activity and that one thing that held her back was the purity promise certificate he father had previously given her. Her remembrance of that certificate, and the pain she knew she would bring her parents if she violated it, kept her from making a very bad moral choice.
Rings and certificates may not work for some: especially those bent on doing what they want morally regardless of outwards symbols. But for some they work and there is nothing wrong with an outward reminder of what is desired in the heart.
My wedding ring is not my marriage, but it’s a good symbol that I’m married, and it lets others know that I’m “off limits.” Small reminders like that can be all that is needed to save a life from disaster.
May God guide you as you seek to serve Him.
In Christ,
Paul Miller
Thanks for your thoughts, Paul. I think Jessica agrees with you. She said at the bottom of the article: “purity rings can be a great reminder of a choice to remain pure, but are by no means a prerequisite for purity. Choosing to wear a purity ring or choosing to sign a pledge is not the same as choosing to be pure.” I think you are completely on the same page here.
Yep! We are on the same page. I was certainly not saying that they are wrong and that we shouldn’t use them, the point is “what does it do?” In Hannah’s case, I would hope it served as a reminder of a choice she had already made. There are too many, though, that think slapping a ring on a finger will automatically make their daughter make that choice and that isn’t true. It has to be her choice, just like your friend Hannah made her choice, just like I made my choice, even without a ring. The ring doesn’t do anything. It doesn’t make a choice that her own heart hasn’t already made.
I have nothing against them. The title and spin of the article is that of promoting true purity.
wow, do i remember the True Love Waits! our youth leaders talked about abstinence often, but it always seemed the pressure was and still i) on the girls. There are so many books on purity geared toward girls, but i have yet to see more than one for boys/yooung men, and they struggle badly with youthful lusts! its ok for a man to have sowed his seed i suppose (???) but a girl must be pure. i think it should go both ways. thank yoiu fr your article!
Beth,
There are quite a few more resources for boys now, just not a lot of them are not known. Some I can think of off the top of my head:
Who Moved the Goalpost by Gresh
God’s Gift to Women by Eric Ludy
Meet Mr. Smith also by Eric Ludy
Sex is Not the Problem, Lust Is by Josh Harris
But you are right, the whole approach to purity is relatively sexist. Lord willing, that is changing.
This is so wrong!!! What girl wants to talk about her vagina and her hymen, with her dad ?? That is so sick. I am a Christian, but some female issues need to be discussed with mom, and dad should be givng a ring to his wild sons and teaching his sons to keep sex on a leash and keep his penis in his pants. Stop worrying about girls.
Jessica,
You are so right. Purity is an hour by hour decision from the heart. Parents certainly have a role and a right to worry about the choices their kids make. But it needs to be the child’s choice to not only be pure but act like purity is important.
Hi, I’m wondering if you have a site or side to yours that addresses male lusts and addiction to such things?
Dear Jessica,
I totally agree with you, that one of the biggest dangers of any vow or spiritual discipline is certainly that it will end up being false in some way. But I’m afraid some of your logic is falling short. Allow me to address each one of your points: 1) Purity and abstinence are certainly not the same, but abstinence is perhaps the major struggle for young Christians, and it is surely a major step toward purity. If a person can win the abstinence struggle, they are likely to have victory in so many other areas of life. But saying that because abstinence is not the whole picture for purity does not disqualify abstinence as a wonderful discipline. 2) Putting on a ring as a visible sign of purity certainly doesn’t mean we are not relying upon God’s strength. In fact, it is a kind of commitment to God. 3) Yes, the commitment to purity is not a one time thing, but every time we make that commitment, we challenge the bondage and grow stronger in the other disciplines. Just because we’re not sure we can follow through doesn’t mean we cannot make the commitment. I think that part of accepting a purity ring should be the willingness to be held accountable at some level — even if it’s not with mom and dad. 4) I think your point about it being an individual decision is powerful. It’s easy to put pressure on someone, not give them the opportunity to work through the many issues which ministering folks like you understand so well. There’s so much to talk about, and so much to think about. 5) Lastly, all your other points should be a strong caution that what is happening on the outside will never replace what happens on the inside. But, it’s easy to think that we shouldn’t take a stand with external emblems, because it’s on the inside that counts. Really, that is a kind of docetism, don’t you think? That’s an over-spiritualizing in itself. Real spirituality is correspondence in both inner and outer life. Interestingly — and I think this is what you’re missing — often change really does happen from the outside in. By taking this stand, with a small ring, for all the world to see, God can honor that commitment, and give the strength to follow through. No guarantees, of course, but just as water baptism is a public commitment, it can also affect and reinforce the inner reality.
Ok first of all you don’t have to be Christian to wear a purity ring. And what’s with all the porn references? So what you’re saying is that if someone doesn’t want to have sex they will all adopt a lifestyle filled with pornography? I don’t believe in God but I still believe you shouldn’t throw yourself at any man that thinks you’re good looking. Of course I know it’s a choice and we have free will, but we’re goddesses. All women are goddesses who should realize our bodies aren’t worth some jackass that we don’t even know will marry us or love us at all. And men use sex as their way of saying “oh cool we’re having sex and it’s great, I should keep her then.” But what if the sex was never there? What if no sexual contact was ever made? Will they still love you? That’s my personal opinion of why women get purity rings til this day. They want to be sure that their relationship isn’t based purely on their sex life and that is an extremely smart move if you don’t plan on getting divorced.
I just want to say that a purity pledge and a ring worked for my mother and grandmother.They both had purity ring and pledges and they lived up to it.They were both virgins at their wedding day
Jessica, my heart dropped when I read this I am so sorry this happened to you . My daughter came to me , & said mom this is what I want I to make a vow to the Lord . Purity is really about your commitment to the Lord , their can be no celibacy without the Lord, this Flash is a mess, it takes the power of the Holy Spirit to keep this Flash under subjection . Thank you for sharing your testimony.