At the age of four, I was exposed to pornography.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my friend’s house because my mom and his mom were having a Bible study together. I remember holding the remote and clicking through the TV guide. I clicked on one of the channels, oblivious to what would come next.
What started playing is something that I wish I could forget. But I can’t. It’s the earliest memory of my life that I remember so vividly. This traumatic experience deeply impacted me for many years. When sleeping, I would have nightmares replaying the moment in my head. Some days the memory would pop up in my head at random times. Throughout elementary school, I just couldn’t escape it.
When I got my first phone in sixth grade, you would think that I would want to stay away from pornography because of the harm it did to me. That unfortunately was not the case. I was drawn to it because it was something that felt familiar after having to relive the same moment over and over. Pornography became something that I would go to when I was feeling stressed, depressed, or anxious.
During my middle school years, I heavily relied on it.
Middle School Challenges
When the COVID-19 lockdown happened, I was nearing the end of sixth grade. Just like many others, I had a really difficult time being at home and not able to go to school and see friends. Everything became digital, whether it was doing school work, contacting friends, or even how I spent my free time.
In the summer going into eighth grade, my family moved cities. This was a difficult time for me because I was leaving behind everything that I had known. To make matters worse, I was verbally bullied by a kid at my new school. I couldn’t go a day without him saying something mean to me.
Just like many other middle schoolers, this was a period of my life that I was very insecure about myself. This one made matters worse in my battle with pornography.
Sharing My Struggle
My new school made me miss where my family used to live, but the church I started going to changed everything. The connections I made at church were stronger than at my previous one. Most of those connections are just as strong today, if not stronger. The guys at church that I became friends with were a group that I could depend on, trust, and relate to.
One of the biggest lies from the Enemy is that we are alone in our spiritual battles and no one can relate and therefore cannot help us. This is not true. A struggle that I thought I was the only one battling is also a struggle of many others. Even though circumstances may differ from person to person, we can be there for each other and show that no one is alone in their battle.
After sharing my struggle with some of my friends at church, I realized that I wasn’t the only one struggling. I decided to organize an accountability group that would meet an hour before our church’s youth group started. It started strong with a few of the guys showing up weekly, but after a few months everyone got “busy” and didn’t want to attend anymore.
Despite facing this roadblock, I would still text them at least once a week to check up on them and a couple did the same for me. Holding other brothers in Christ accountable when it comes to pornography or even lust in general has strengthened the bond we have. We can be more open with one another and won’t hide behind a wall of shame. Being held accountable was incredibly helpful, but the struggle was still there.
The Effects of Porn
Pornography affected every aspect of my life. Even though I would go to it when feeling stressed, depressed, or anxious, it always left me feeling worse. It was a cycle that seemed to never end. The worst part about it was feeling like a hypocrite. This wasn’t just a struggle for a year or two. I struggled from sixth grade through halfway of my junior year.
During this time, I was leading a Bible study at my middle school, volunteering at church and camp, and telling my friends about Jesus. Through the years, I always felt guilty and carried shame. It was frustrating that I was consistently reading my Bible, praying, and asking God to free me from my addiction. It wasn’t until I started fasting that I was able to gain more self-control in my life. Since I was able to deny my flesh from food despite having hunger, I learned to turn away from the sin that my flesh desired.
Growing with Victory
The use of Victory by Covenant Eyes was also incredibly helpful. My parents installed it on my phone which enabled them to monitor what I was viewing. When I would view a site or image that I shouldn’t be looking at, they would have a conversation with me about it. Even though the app didn’t completely prevent me from feeding into lust, it did make it significantly more difficult to have access to it.
Even though there are a lot of benefits to having Covenant Eyes as a filter, it can be misused by parents. Instead of believing that a filter will completely prevent their kids from pornography, parents shouldn’t neglect to have a conversation with their kids about pornography. They should be equipped to prepare their children for the battle against lust.
My Mission
The struggle of pornography is often overlooked by the church. There are other church-sponsored programs for specific addictions or needs but not for pornography. My dream would be to start a program to help those struggling with the addiction but also to educate people about its harm. This would include going to churches and speaking about its effects, how parents can educate their children, and how those who are struggling can get help.
My biggest goal is to guard the hearts and minds of children so that they don’t have the same trauma and struggle that I did. Over the summer, I am planning on posting videos daily on Instagram for those battling with lust. I am so passionate about fighting against the lust epidemic taking over the lives of people all across the country.
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