I was a 14-year-old Catholic. I sang with the church choir, attended Mass every weekend, and participated in youth group as often as I could. My friends and family had always warned me about the dangers of pornography. They told me how addictive it could be and how demeaning it was to the dignity of sex. I trusted their judgment and always steered clear of it, even after I got a personal computer.
However, everything changed when I stumbled across a video on the internet. I watched it through, shell-shocked at the content because of how foreign it was to me. I promptly turned the video off and left my computer to distract myself from what I had just seen. Unfortunately, that video had already etched itself indelibly into my memory. I felt a nagging to go back and watch it again. The feeling gnawed at me, bit by bit, until I finally caved and rewatched that video.
Formation of My Addiction
I felt less shocked than before but was still ashamed. Soon, after watching that video a few times, it wasn’t enough. I needed more. I found the site that the video was from and browsed for a little while. Slowly but surely, I warmed up to the content. Little did I know that I was forming an addiction to pornography. I have been struggling with pornography addiction for approximately three years now. To this day, that first video haunts me, still deeply ingrained in my memory and forever weighing on my conscience. I used to live with integrity with the technology I had—only using my computer for school, research, or small everyday inquiries on the Internet, and my phone was only meant to contact my family and friends. Now, both devices had become a temptation and a vice that constantly sought satisfaction.
That was the biggest challenge once the addiction had set in—staying pure in my intentions with the Internet. Now that I had formed a habit, the pull to start browsing porn sites was near constant. Clear and easy access to any and every website lurked at the tips of my fingers. Any time I was bored or tempted to fall into sin, the urge would present itself to fall back on old habits.
Sharing My Struggle
I struggled alone with this affliction for about two years, slowly losing hope that I would ever be free of it. It took me some time, but I began to recognize that I couldn’t quit pornography alone. Then came my second biggest hurdle: admitting my addiction to my family. Because I care deeply about my reputation with my friends and family, coming clean was a difficult decision to make.
My parents knew that I occasionally struggled with pornography, but they didn’t know how bad it truly was. They introduced me to the Victory app, and I agreed to use Covenant Eyes to help me on my journey to quit pornography. All three of us made accounts and downloaded the software for Covenant Eyes. My mother chose my father as her accountability partner, and he did the same for her. Now it was my turn to select an accountability partner.
I wasn’t fully comfortable with my parents being my accountability partners, so I decided to ask my girlfriend at the time if she would support me through Covenant Eyes. While admitting my pornography addiction to her was even more difficult than telling my parents, she was extremely gracious and kind, and she agreed to be my accountability partner in the Victory app. However, my girlfriend and I broke up over time, meaning that I had to find another accountability partner. I overcame my anxiety a third time and asked my older sister, who was just as understanding and willing to help me in my journey.
Gaining Control of My Passions
As soon as we set up Covenant Eyes and Victory, I started seeing changes. I didn’t want to look at pornography as much anymore because it meant that my partner would know. However, if I did fall into sin, my sister would gently encourage me and push me in the right direction. I no longer felt judged for my sins, but rather felt the mercy of God through my family.
Over time, I have started to gain control of my passions, which I believe is the biggest victory of all. Now when I open my phone or computer, I’m no longer tempted as often or as strongly, and I have found methods and coping mechanisms to help me overcome my desires. I am able to live with integrity with my technology, using my devices only for school, occasional entertainment, and contacting friends and family.
While this addiction has been a cross for me, it has also given me a new perspective on what it means to live with morality. Rather than simply knowing how to live with integrity in theory, I have learned how to practice it through personal experience. For me, the core aspects of digital integrity are openness and honesty with God and with my family, and purity of intention when using my devices. Where before, I would try to hide my sins from everyone, I have now allowed God to bestow His grace and His mercy upon me, and He has done this through my family and through Covenant Eyes. Where before, I would let boredom and temptation rule my appetites, I now avoid the near occasion of sin and use my electronic devices to educate myself and to pursue more healthy passions, such as my love of musical composition.
In conclusion, Covenant Eyes has been an indispensable tool in my journey to quit pornography. It has helped me connect with God and His loving mercy, it has increased my willpower and control of my passions, and it has kept me accountable and honest in my struggles with porn. For these reasons, I extend all of my gratitude and love to everyone who made Covenant Eyes a reality, because, without you, I would still be in the throes of my addiction without any hope of escape. Thank you so very much, and God bless you for everything you do.
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