About the author, Coach Sarah

Coach Sarah is a Certified Professional, Relationship, and Partner Coach at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, trained by the Association of Partners of Sexual Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She is passionate about using her story and her training to help people heal from the devastation of betrayal trauma and the effects of gaslighting. Working alongside therapists, Sarah provides support and care through individual coaching, group work, classes and workshops. She’s also a mom to two amazing kids. Sarah lives with her daughter and son in Austin, TX.

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Porn and Your Husband

Parenting the Internet Generation Ebook Cover

Did you catch your husband watching porn? Learn the answers to common questions, tips to productive conversations, steps to setting boundaries, and how to determine the next steps for your marriage.

6 thoughts on “5 Common Myths about Setting Boundaries

  1. I would like to know more about how far boundaries can extend. Should recovering addicts drop all self-centered activities, such as sports, to focus on group accountability, Pastoral counseling, Church meetings, and family healing? I believe those things must take priority over recreational activity for the addict. My husband claims to be set free from porn, but I still want to see consistency in these areas. He says I am controlling for myself having a trauma response to his failure to go to Church over a soccer game. He has abandoned me and the family to soccer for years, and a lot of the time would see prostitutes before or after playing soccer. He has seen counselors, but nothing consistent. He prays regularly, talks about how Jesus has delivered him from this sexual struggle, meets with a men’s group once a month, and goes to Church as long as there is no scheduled soccer game to interfere. I am seeking divorce because I feel he is not willing to sacrifice self-serving activities, and show consistency with accountability. He and others claim I am to extreme, and should be satisfied with the positive changes he has made. Bottom line, the trust has not been rebuilt.

    • Hey Heather,

      If your husband was seeing prostitutes before or after soccer, then I can completely understand your trauma response to the situation you describe. It does seem to me that if he really wanted to rebuild trust, he would do whatever it takes, including and especially giving up soccer when it is so closely associated with his sexual addiction.

      Given the severity of his acting out, where he has clearly broken the marriage covenant by visiting prostitutes, it looks to me like all of your options are open even with the most stringent religious standards applied.

      Boundaries can extend as far as you need them to extend.

      Your husband can say that Jesus has saved him, but actions speak louder than words every time.

      Here and here are a couple of articles on divorce that should be helpful, and that you might pass along to others.

      Peace to you,
      Kay

    • 10 years ago after dealing with a husband who was addicted to pornography…I chose to leave him…because he refused to admit that he was doing anything wrong with any consistency. So between that and other mental health issues…I felt that my boundaries had to include a complete and total cut off of my relationship with him. Because my mental health was going through the wringer.

  2. well when I discover my husband that he has las year 2017 an affair I was devastated because he ask me for divorce. after pastor intervine he decide to stayed and work in our marriage in the beginning he was sleeping with me for 4 months and then with excuses he decided to sleep in another room….we start having arguments because I didn’t trust him and in May after suspicion in my heart I confronted him and he confess about his porn addiction and that he didnt want to quick because was nothing wrong do it. ….so I ask him either to work in our marriage and his addiction or to leave…..and he decide to move out of the house……now he dont speak to me at all and the only way of communication is through my teenager son…..he told me to lie to our boys and said he got a job in another city and he later will divorce me…….I so hurt and rejected

    • Armida,

      I am so, so sorry for the pain you are going through. Your husband’s choices are heart-breaking. Of course you are hurting, but I hope you understand that his choices are not about you, they are about him and how he chooses to deal with life.

      You don’t need to lie to your boys or anyone else about what’s going on here. You find the boundaries that work for you, and work on creating a healthy life for yourself. You might want to find a counselor who can help you process your emotions. You might consider a support group as well. And the online resources at Bloom for Women are fantastic.

      No matter what your husband has chosen, you can choose to be healthy and whole.

      Peace,
      Kay

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