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Myth: It’s My Fault My Husband Looks At Porn

Last Updated: December 13, 2017

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Women often ask us, “What should I have done differently in my marriage so my husband wasn’t drawn to pornography? What’s wrong with me that he likes this stuff?

In this video, Matt Fradd explains…

  • It isn’t your fault you aren’t hundreds of online two-dimensional women.
  • It isn’t your fault you aren’t as clickable and customizable as digital images.
  • It isn’t your fault that sex with you doesn’t look like a scripted, heavily edited film performed by sex athletes.


Hear more on this topic:

  • Comments on: Myth: It’s My Fault My Husband Looks At Porn
    1. I Half Agree on

      At times, I think we live in a delusion. Covenant eyes is pro-women. Rarely do you ever see a woman being held accountable for anything. I have yet to see one article written that says: hey ladies stop doing porn!!! I live in the real world. I just went grocery shopping. Women are massive in America. Women are not just a little overweight anymore. They are obese and I am not just talking about a few women — but most. Then, I know tons of married men who are always talking about how the sex stops when you are married. Women have sex with you to get you, then it all stops and your entire life is about the woman and her needs. Sex is replaced by nagging, complaining, or a lifetime of catering to a woman’s mood swings. It is always her desire to have kids, her desire to have a better house, her desire for this, her desire for that. It is constant and never ending.

      Here is the reality — out of shape women + no sex or boring sex + nagging wives = men looking at porn or seeing hookers or cheating. That ladies and gentlemen is the harsh, but true, equation.

      America lives in the prudish world. Hell, up until 1950, the movies never depicted men and women sleeping together. It is like America won’t even admit that people get on this planet because of sex. We have completely ignored the fact that sex is a HUGE part of a relationship. That at the end of the day, life is mainly very boring. You go to work, you eat, you screw, and you sleep. Our society now caters to women. You can never hurt their feelings, speak badly about them, tell them they are out of shape or tell them that their problems are their own fault. Accountability for women is nearly zero in this nation. No guy is going to choose porn over an in shape, fun, supportive, and kind woman that is screwing him all the time. None. I read these articles and not one woman writes and says — hey, maybe my behavior is contributing to this problem. Maybe, I have changed from the woman my husband dated to the woman I am now. Maybe I put on a false front during courting.

      A guess if it was me that is the one thing I would tell everyone. When you date, DO NOT PUT ON FALSE FRONTS. It never works over the longterm. Never. I suspect this is why divorce is so high. The person you dated is not the person you are married to. This happened to me once. A woman I dated used to have sex with me all the time. Then one day, she let it slip that she really hated sex and always had. Not just with me, but with everyone. She simply screwed me to get me. Thankfully I did not marry her or my life would have been a lifetime of suffering. Then if I did divorce her she would have gotten all my possessions which would have landed me in the poor house or being homeless at one point in life.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        As far as woman not being held accountable for anything on our blog, I’ve already answered this before in another comment. You can read what I said there.

        No doubt there are obesity problems in America (and in many other places), but I’m not sure what it has to do with this article. Of course there are women who nag and complain (just as there are men who do these things). But no woman, no matter how she treats her body or behaves, is justification for men, least of all her husband, to do as he pleases with his own sexuality.

        You seem to belief the false idea that the way we are sinned against is somehow justification for our own sin. It simply isn’t.

      • Rob on

        You wrote: “Here is the reality — out of shape women + no sex or boring sex + nagging wives = men looking at porn or seeing hookers or cheating. That ladies and gentlemen is the harsh, but true, equation.”

        You’re kidding right?

        So women need to be perpetually “in shape”, need to provide exciting sex and not nag in order to keep their husbands from Porn, Prostitutes or Affairs. Your requirements seem pretty one-sided. It appears that in order to your fidelity you wife needs to have a hot body, be exciting (for you) in bed and keep her mouth shut. Hmmm, what does that remind me of? Ohhhh yeah. Porn.

        So when my wife had my children and lost the girlish figure of her youth, decided that sex is more than just a performance for my benefit, and expected to be heard the first time she asks something of me, I should’ve felt entitled to push her aside for porn, prostitutes or some other woman? Please, do yourself (and some unsuspecting woman) a favor and never marry. You’re just not ready for the responsibility.

      • Amy on

        So disagree with this. I’m in shape, supportive, loving, always eager to have sex and my husband still looks at porn. He has always told me it has nothing to do with me. It’s because of his intimacy disorder. He even said he doesn’t know how to process how perfect his family is and al he knew was misery growing up so he went back to it. You are delusional to think that 5+6=1. It doesn’t. It has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with the spiritual/emotional/psychology state of the man.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks for speaking up, Amy. I agree with you that the inability of men to process emotion is probably the biggest contributing factor to porn addiction.

      • Pam on

        Why are you even reading this article in order to comment on a web site that is based on a Christian worldview if you do not hold to the Christian view that you can’t hold someone else responsible for your sin? I am not saying you are not Christian, just that your reply is not in line with scripture. Purposely viewing porn is not going to help solve the problems you mention. It actually changes your chemicals to make it even harder to solve those problems. Also, the Bible says it Is possible to delight in your own wife Even when she no longer looks like she did years ago. Men have to learn how to love unconditionally eventually. Women do age. Women do have stretch marks after children and skin changes, but the Bible even encourages a man in old age to delight in his wife’s breasts even! God is wise to have created another avenue than just looks, for a man to be able to have sexual intimacy with his wife. It is called love. Men who walk with God and don’t feed their eyes and mind lustful images that cause them to compare and contrast and men who practice contentment and gratefulness for what they do have are able to find more loving ways of solving marital problems, with the Holy Spirit’s help.

    2. Michael on

      This won’t be popular but yes, sometimes it is a woman’s fault. If you are in a marriage where there is no sex or your wife is terribly out of shape or she is frigid or overly demanding …… hate to tell you, but your husband will be driven to porn. People say — well he could divorce her. That is a lot easier said than done. Divorce for men is disastrous. I know men who are homeless from divorces. So, it may not be popular, but there are very real reasons why a man views porn. Then we never hold women accountable for doing the porn. There are millions of women doing porn. Who cares if you ban porn. There is still half the women in Hollywood pushing sex. Then escorts. Then strippers. Then massage. Then webcam girls. Then models. Then there is all the homemade porn. People are lying to themselves about this issue.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        I disagree.

        If the woman is odious, spiteful, frigid, or demanding, let her account for her sins. If a man chooses to react to this by looking at porn, let him account for his sin.

      • Louise on

        Michael, your comment sounds like you are a porn/sex addict in denial. Someone who is justifying his addiction who is lying to himself because he has not the strength or the will to better himself and because he does not understand what the addiction has done to his brain…especially if your addiction has gone on for your entire life. What it feels like to a woman is an arrow straight through the heart, in a lot of ways it is a death to her. Here is an analogy for you to consider: you married a woman, an accomplished attractive woman, who fell in love with you in spite of you possessing a two inch penis. This accomplished attractive woman accepted your marriage proposal in spite of your shortcoming (pun intended) because she married you for the person you are the traits you possess, your intelligence, your good looks etc. She now, 10 years later, rejects your small penis and has no desire to any sexual relationship with you. Instead, she prefers to masturbate to porn featuring men whom have at the very minimum an “average” size penis? She rejects you for your inability to please her with your small penis. She engages in many affairs with other men because you no longer attract or excite her for the reasons she married you. All women age. Their bodies change. A marriage is supposed to be about more than sexual gratification. It’s called intimacy! A 50 + woman cannot compare to the bodies of the 18-30 year olds her spouse he is masturbating too. Marriage is about more than sexual gratification. Do you have a daughter? If so, how would you feel about her being in porn and men perhaps even your friends gleaning sexual gratification from her images? The truth is Michael, there are many, many men who have beautiful, young fit wives/girlfriends who are addicted to porn. It has become a scourge to our society and is hijacking the sexuality of young men (teenagers even) before they even have a chance to develop a meaning relationship based on respect and intimacy that is not sexual in nature. Teens, who think it is “Normal” to have anal sex at 14. Whom expect this from their first girlfriends and young girls who believe they have to engage in this if they want to retain this person as a boyfriend or girls/women who feign interest in porn altogether so that a young boy or man will be interested in her. It is very sad that girls/women believe that they are unworthy of love because they don’t possess the “perfect porn body”. Another sad reality is that young men (and married men…young and old), cannot even sustain an erection to have intercourse because his brained has become dependent upon the porn images he has burned into his mind’s eye and that porn images is the only thing that can arouse him. Porn is a scourge in our modern society. Half of all the divorces today are a result of men who are porn and/or sex addicted.

    3. Lydia on

      To Mr. “I half agree”

      You stated:

      No guy is going to choose porn over an in shape, fun, supportive, and kind woman that is screwing him all the time. None.

      I just wanted to be honest with you, this is a lie. I am a 5ft 4 130 lbs dark hair tan beautiful 24year old woman who is also an ex stripper. Not only am I in shape and physically attractive (or so I’ve been told by many men and women throughout my entire life) but I absolutely love sex!! In fact I think about it all the time, sometimes it’s so frustrating because I’ll be in the middle of something important and continue to have these extremely pervasive thoughts. If I’m awake I’m thinking about getting laid. I’ve even had men tell me that my sex drive is too high or higher than theirs. I used to have sex with my ex bf all the time! There were days that’s literally all we did and it was awesome! I’ve always been very experimental and honestly my biggest turn on was performing oral for him. Something ab doing something that pleased him so much also brought me pleasure. I loved when he talked dirty to me and degraded me. I used to feel weird for having these desires but nonetheless enjoyed that we had a wonderful sex life. When I discovered porn on his phone I thought to myself, why am I not enough??? It broke me to pieces, it didn’t matter how many men told me I was beautiful. I felt so unattractive and insufficient. I felt like it was my fault somehow. But I was confused, what more could he possibly want from the woman that did anything (and I mean anything ) he sexually requested? My confidence plummeted to almost nothing. So to your theory that No guy is going to choose porn over an in shape, fun, supportive, and kind woman that is screwing him all the time, it is utter none sense. In fact I started going to a support group for the pain I felt after discovering his secret and to my surprise more than half the women there were gorgeous! In shape beautiful women. I remember one woman’s testimony, she was so hurt and confused ab her husband’s porn addiction because she never told him no. She said she was almost always the one who initiated sex between them and in fact, sometimes he told her that he had “already taken care of himself” men view pornography bc it is easier to fap to women who necessitate nothing from them. Porn makes you feel like a man without you actually having to be one. In REAL life sex isn’t scripted and you don’t always get your way. Hell! There were nights that even if I didn’t orgasm I was still glad to see my exes huge grin of satisfaction, it made me happy that I made him so happy (or so I thought) sex is suppoused to be about oneness. Each person is equally giving to the other. It is NOT one sided. But unfortunately if you grew up watching porn you probably believe that it’s suppoused to be one sided. Well it’s NOT! Porn does so much damage to a man (and woman) it makes you demand so much sex and warps your mind into prioritizing superficial beauty over the heart and soul of the woman. It teaches that a woman is only as worthy as she looks, she has to be “porn worthy” for you. It makes you less able to enjoy and experience sex the way it was designed to be enjoyed. And As far as women not being held accountable for tempting men, NOT all women are hookers, or strippers or porn stars. I know ALOT of women who DONT want to be the cause of a man’s stumble. Myself Included. Yes I used to be a stripper and I knowingly tempted men to lust after me, I loved the affirmation and validation I received from men. I’m not even going to lie. However, that all changed when I realized that my self worth shouldn’t stem from a man’s affirmation. I have worth bc God made me, he loves me, he sent his son to die for me as a necessary act of love. I stopped intentionAlly provoking men to lust. I stoped objectifying myself all together. God really changed my heart and he can change yours too! I will definitely be praying for God to reveal his goodness and wisdom to you Mr “I half agree”. Blessings!

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks, Lydia. We hear this line of thinking all the time here: “it’s the woman’s fault.” And it’s just not true. We are each responsible for our own choices! End of story! I appreciate your speaking up. Kay

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