6 minute read

Single and Lonely: How to Cope (Without Watching Porn)

Last Updated: June 11, 2015

Lisa Eldred

Lisa Eldred is the Educational Content Strategist at Covenant Eyes, and has 10 years of experience in researching and writing about porn addiction and recovery. She has authored numerous blog posts and ebooks, including More Than Single, Hobbies and Habits, and New Fruit, which was co-authored with Crystal Renaud Day. Her writing about faith and fandoms can be found at Love Thy Nerd.

One of the groomsmen at a relative’s wedding was also an old college acquaintance of mine. We hadn’t kept in particular contact over the years, but we made sure to set aside a few minutes for as much conversation as was permitted by the dance music blasting over the loudspeakers.

We had the usual conversations—oh, what are you up to these days, that sort of thing. Both of us, it turned out, were still single, lived alone, and lived fairly far from our respective jobs. At one point, I mentioned to him I loved my long commute.

“I hate being alone for that long,” he said, shocked. “I feel like I’m going crazy. How can you stand it?”

Single and Lonely

On Self-Pity and Self-Medication

Loneliness is perhaps the most pervasive feeling for singles. In fact, it may have been one of the first emotions in the garden; Adam without Eve was the only thing God created that he declared not good. And loneliness in itself isn’t inherently bad. It’s a reflection that we were created to be in community.

The problem is, when you’re feeling lonely, it’s not long until you attempt to self-medicate. Materialism and over-busyness are big traps for lonely people. Porn is another, especially since porn was, in many ways, designed for the viewer to imagine themselves as a participant.

Single vs. Solo: Learning from Elijah

See, singles are often tempted to feel like the prophet Elijah. One of only two men in the Bible who are recorded to have escaped death, he was extremely close to God in a land where there were very few believers. Shortly after demonstrating God’s power on Mount Carmel, Queen Jezebel threatened to murder him (1 Kings 19). Elijah promptly fled and fell into a great depression. “They’ve killed your prophets,” he said. “Only I am left.”

Sometimes we singles are particularly vulnerable to this kind of spiritual warfare. Weddings are a particularly difficult time, especially when we attend alone yet again. “Only I am left,” we may cry, then turn to self-medicating behaviors like porn. But remember, with God you are never alone…and usually the support will be physically available, not just the nebulous spirituality of “relying on God.” “Yet I will leave seven thousand in Israel,” God says to Elijah, and instructs him to anoint Elisha as prophet in his place—Elisha, whose loyalty was so great that he refused to leave Elijah even when he was told to stay back at the end, and was allowed to see Elijah taken up to Heaven.

Unless you’ve been trapped on a deserted island for the last 10 years (and if that’s the case, how are you reading this?), you are not alone. People become single for any number of reasons, including death and divorce. Singles are everywhere—and not just singles, but others who want to open their homes and share their lives with you, if you open your eyes and look.

So for many, the question isn’t simply, “How do I stop watching porn?” It’s actually more, “I watch porn in part because I feel lonely. How do I stop feeling lonely?”

3 Ways to Defeat Loneliness

1. Get an Accountability Partner

One of the reasons I’ve been able to handle the lonely times (like the long commute, the empty apartment, or the dateless Friday nights) is that I haven’t actually been alone in a long time. My accountability partner is only a phone call away.

As it turns out, we were very fortunate to have found each other. As friends and accountability partners, we were the perfect match. We both met the following qualifications:

  • Godly—We are both heavily involved in ministry and want to grow closer to Christ.
  • Trustworthy—My accountability partner and I have proved, over and over, that we could talk deeply about personal struggles and the other person would keep them confidential.
  • Challenging, not condemning—We didn’t shy away from (proverbially) kicking each other in the pants when we needed it…but we also empathize through the struggle.
  • Mature—We aren’t necessarily always completely put together…but we know where to look in Scripture for answers, and that counts for a lot.

Those were perhaps the most important characteristics that led to successful accountability. But there were a couple of secondary qualifications that were extremely beneficial:

  • Single—We understood the trials of being single women.
  • Same gender—We are both heterosexual women, so we didn’t have to worry about becoming romantically entangled with each other. (Seriously, be extremely cautious about close friendships with singles of the opposite gender, even if you have no romantic interest in that person; it’s a recipe for miscommunication and outright heartbreak.)
  • Similar interests—My accountability partner and I were both part of the same hobby-based group of friends and have a similar sense of humor. This natural rapport isn’t strictly necessary, but makes an accountability relationship significantly easier.

Your accountability partner, then, is a key solution for loneliness. My own accountability partner and I intentionally scheduled a weekly phone call, but we also realized fairly quickly as accountability partners that when we were in emotional distress, we should call each other. This was especially true before her now-husband came on the scene. As two single women, we could understand each other in ways that others could not.

2. Get Plugged In

One accountability partner is very helpful, but lasting friendships in general are key. If we want to combat loneliness, we need to seek out opportunities to spend time with others. Jesus, the ultimate Single Man, was rarely alone; in fact, he had to seek out solitude to commune with God the Father. Andreas J. Köstenberger writes in God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundations:

[Jesus’] inner circle was made up of three of his followers, and he was accompanied by the twelve apostles as well as a group of devoted women followers (Luke 8:1-3). Jesus also maintained close friendships with others, perhaps most notably the family of Lazarus, Martha, and Mary in Bethany near Jerusalem (Luke 10:38-42; John 11:1-12:19). As an itinerant preacher, Jesus enjoyed the hospitality of others and came in close contact with many who had need and ministered to them (179).

Unfortunately, once we leave college, most of us have a hard time forming new friendships. Something about the pressure cooker of school makes it easy to build friendships; but navigating the real world, where people are no longer working toward the common goal of graduation, makes it more difficult to build relationships.

That’s why it’s important to get plugged in to a good social group. This group does not necessarily have to be all singles; in fact, it most likely won’t be. The idea is less one-to-one interactions and more about building a vibrant social life—a challenge for all post-college adults. Getting involved in a small group at your church is one key step, especially if you can find one with common interests. If your community has a calendar for local events, it’s worth looking for regular meetups for any interests you have. My own city has a monthly board game meet-up group, and a number of us (an amalgamation of friends from grad school, church, the local group, and other spots) have spun off to do a weekly game night in people’s houses. Book clubs, art courses, and classes at the gym are also good places to go to start building communities.

Feeling lonely? Retrain yourself to think about the next time you’ll all hang out, and invite one or two of your closest friends out for a meal.

3. Learn to Look Outward

Another solution to loneliness is to stop looking inward and look outward instead. Look around you and count up the number of singles and other people you know. Carolyn McCulley writes in Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye,

Even in your greatest trials, hasn’t God provided companionship? In my experience, every time a friend marries or I’ve moved or someone leaves, He shortly ushers a new friendship into my life. No, it’s not always the same; nor is it always at the same depth as before, but I’ve never been left completely on my own. I’m teaching myself that whenever I feel alone in a crowd, I should look around for someone else who may be feeling the same way—so that I may be used by God to extend grace and kindness instead of being consumed by my own feelings (211).

In order to counteract bitterness at weddings, for example, I’ve started to pray for the other singles I can see. Usually I can find at least one person whose pain is probably greater than mine. In one wedding where I was a bridesmaid, I spent the entire time praying for the newly-divorced groomsman standing on the other side of the couple. I don’t know if it helped him get through the ceremony, but it certainly helped me.

Really, this point holds true for virtually anything we singles feel: look around and remember that others are there with you. Don’t rejoice in others’ miseries, of course, but do look at them as reminders that you are not alone…and use it as an opportunity to share God’s goodness.

More Than Single: Finding Purpose Beyond Porn

 

God calls singles to joy in their singleness. This is why I wrote More Than Single: Finding Purpose Beyond Porn. It’s free to download, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.

  • Comments on: Single and Lonely: How to Cope (Without Watching Porn)
    1. Wow on

      I am 43 and never married. Pretty much seen it all in life — literally. Here are observations from my life.

      1) Obsessive religion screwed me up from the beginning. I am very serious when I say this. There is such a thing as too much religion. All the guilt. All the nonsense of sin. All the talk about purity. Caused me to miss opportunity after opportunity.

      2) Being alone sucks. Period. All this nonsense that there is someone for everyone is nonsense. Don’t think I am ugly or stupid or terrible to be around because I assure you that I am not. People are just completely ignoring the realities of modern day life. When women say you are harassing them, when you ask for their numbers it makes it even worse. I hate to tell you but that is what is happening out there. Feminism has created a generation of women who literally think men are evil. Why the hell do people think boys are committing suicide at a rate four times higher than girls? The numbers of male suicides are staggering.

      3) Now here is the ironic observation. I don’t know one happy married couple. At least not one happy male in a married relationship. Marriage has become the no win proposition for males. You are nothing more than a paycheck to a woman and you are never appreciated. Look at America. Males are blamed for ever ill there ever was. Women complain about everything. American women are the worst actually. They are so foolish when they dont realize if it wasn’t for males, they would be just as disadvantaged as third world women. So ungrateful for what American men have done for them. Then if you get married, you really risk everything. Divorce is basically at 50% and in most states, men lose everything in the divorce courts —- from the kids to homes. Dont tell me this does not happen because I have seen this happen to many men.

      There was nothing wrong with your article. It sounds good and you are sincere. I do disagree with you about Jesus being alone. I have a sneaky suspicion he had a wife. I also wouldnt blame him if he did. It sucks to be alone.

      I realize Covenant eyes is trying to sell a product, but really porn is not a big deal. It is just a symptom of a much greater issue. Also, having seen what really goes on in this world behind the closed doors that no one talks about —- looking at a pretty nude girl is not that big of a sin. The real sins are much deeper. Much more terrible. I assure you.

      Reply
      • Lisa Eldred on

        Hmm, a lot of interesting thoughts here.

        1) You say obsessive religion screwed you up. To be honest, as someone you’d probably describe as an “obsessive religious person,” I actually agree…to an extent. There’s a razor’s edge to walk between extreme legalism (aka, doing the right thng) and excessive freedom (aka, doing whatever you want because you’re forgiven). We are sinners, and we are called to a lifestyle of purity, but sometimes when taken to the legalistic extreme it can leave us paralyzed and keep us from taking action. “Should I date this person? What if they’re not ‘the one God planned for me’?” I’m sorry that you experienced this sort of behavior, and I sincerely hope that your own spiritual journey brings you to a church where you experience God’s magnificent grace.

        2) I agree with you; people are often alone for no apparent reason. An informal mental tally of all the married people I know reveals that looks have surprisingly little to do with whether or not a person will end up married.

        Regarding your comments on feminism, there may indeed be some feminists who believe that all men are evil and all women are saints, but I suspect those are few and far between. Most of the feminist literature I read is focused more on equal pay for women, equal representation of women in culture and leadership, and the portrayal of women in media as agents of their own story, not just objects in a man’s story. Again, there may be some who want to bash men, but most simply want movies, video games, etc. to reflect that girls aren’t the “weaker sex” and guys don’t always have to be “manly men.”

        Perhaps the current racial/police tensions are a fair comparison: generations of discrimination have led people to unfairly stereotype black men in particular as violent criminals, and recent events are equally leading to the unfair stereotype that all police officers are evil racists. Neither is true, but because that’s how the media is focusing its attention, that’s what people believe. Similarly, because we hear the stories about men threatening feminists we believe that all men are misogynistic, and because we hear the stories of the extremist feminists who bash men, we believe that all women hate men.

        It may behoove you to befriend someone on Facebook with opposing views to your own, and occasionally read what they post without trying to stir up debate. Even if you disagree with them, it may give you insights into how the other side feels.

        3. I don’t deny that divorce rates are high, but I truly pity you that you don’t know any happily married men. Most of the married people I know are both happy. In none of those cases do the wives consider their husbands “just a paycheck,” but rather as a partner, working together through the calms and the storms of life. I’m curious as to what expectations were brought into marriage from both partners. Did they expect personal satisfaction and fulfillment? Because that’s not the goal of marriage. When two sinners enter into covenant together, happiness does not magically result. If, on the other hand, they take the traditional vows seriously – for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part – then they will understand that marriage is not about either him or her as individuals, it’s about them, together.

        4. Regarding your comment about Jesus, given that He knew his endgame was to die when he came to Earth, I’d argue that he would have been a pretty shoddy husband if he were married. And given that He led a sinless life, I think that eliminates the possibility of Him being secretly married. But I’m content to agree to disagree on that point.

        5. There are certainly a number of sins, and I do think we tend to think that one sin may be worse than another. In reality, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)…and even unrepentant liars, which we consider a pretty mild sin, are condemned to Hell (Revelation 21:8).

        That being said, our software is designed to help people struggling with the sin of pornography. If you want to know why we think it’s such a big deal, I recommend you read Your Brain on Porn for a Christian perspective on how it warps your thinking, and The Porn Circuit for a biological/neurological evaluation of how it messes with your sex drive.

      • Wait a minute on

        Wait a minute, so you’re upset at women for using men and you use women for you pleasure through pornography? If women shouldn’t use men, men should not use women. If you’re so upset about women using men, it is a bit hypocritical of you to say that pornography isn’t that big of a sin. Also, if women are so terrible, why do you like looking at them? In a later post you said that feminism is “creating an environment where men and women hate each other”. Well, they’ve certainly succeeded in getting you to hate women.

        Another thing, you are right is saying that women would not be were they are if it weren’t for men. However, you wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for a woman. In fact, if it weren’t for thousands of women, you wouldn’t be here today to complain about women.

        I agree that feminism is, in part, to blame for the suicide rate of males. However, pornography is also to blame for suicide rates of men. Pornography is not life-giving in the least bit. It is completely selfish. And once we’ve used it, sure, we feel better for a while, but just like other drugs, it fails to satisfy which is why we become addicted to it and go deeper and deeper down.

        One last thing, I’d love to see you prove that Jesus had a wife or mistress. I would pay to see that. Did you know that I have a sneaky suspicion that George Washington was actually an alien from outer space? Please.

      • Seth on

        I am34years old, I struggle with open at night. I want to be free from this but I keep going back to it. I pray to God for help. I Beloong to many groups in my community, but at night it comes back. Need help.

      • Chris McKenna on

        Hello Seth – you’ve taken a big step by posting your comment here. Keep talking openly with those your trust – that’s a great way to diminish the control the temptation has over you (James 5:16). Here’s a great post with 3 very simple steps you can follow for breaking free: https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/05/13/3-biblical-strategies-for-fighting-lust/

        Just quickly, if night time if a problem, then a simple “run from” step would be to find software, like Covenant Eyes with filtering, that can block the internet on your devices during certain times of day.

        Press on! God’s grace is fresh every morning.
        -Chris
        Covenant Eyes

      • Mark on

        We try to make things seem harmless. By saying its not that bad by our standards. But I hate porn. I think I it needs to be banned. I don’t think I watch it because I’m lonely. But I watch it when I’m alone. Its a form of voyeurism. Your watching other people have sex. That you don’t know. Putting it in the perspective is a good start, but it doesn’t help you quit. Or stop your urges and compulsions. Its so readily available and easy to access. Because of the internet. There is no protective barrier to stop kids from seeing this stuff. Not mention people posting videos of themselves doing sexual acts. Our society is allowing immortality to become acceptable. Blurring the lines between good and bad. Then their surprised when a person does a sexual crime or indecency. Basically saying do what you want to do. As long as no one gets hurt or no one finds out. There are no specific boundaries set forth. Except by law and religion do we encounter a sense of morality. In a majority rules type of system. A person has to know his or her own boundaries to set forth. I personally believe my life would be different if never watched porn. I would probably be a father and husband with a family. So no I don’t think its harmless. It very much alters your day to day life. The decisions you make. Your time management. It affects your self esteem. It makes you feel ashamed and dirty. It makes you question your sexuality. Lastly, if you don’t turn away from this sin. It can cause you to spend eternity in the lake of 🔥. Separated from the presence of A loving and merciful God. Who gave us a choice between life and death blessing and cursing. Every day we choose for ourselves.

    2. Ryan Lemieux on

      Those 3 ways, while certainly helpful, are really poor substitutes for loneliness nor they replace an outlet to relieve my sexually frustration which is something that porn can only provide at the moment. The only true way to break free from porn and loneliness is to find a lasting lady who can provide companionship and fulfill my sexual needs. Unfortunately, in the age of feminism and misandry, good old-fashioned women are hard, if not impossible, to find these days and that’s the reason I turn to porn. What’s more, I’m 37-year-old virgin (yes, you heard me right) and it’s embarrassing that I’m still a virgin at this age. I originally intended to save my virginity for marriage, but after spending 19 years of fruitlessly searching for the one in a sea of misandrists and feminazis, I have decided to give up and accept the fact that I will never get married. In fact, I’m seriously considering visiting a prostitute with the intention of losing my virginity. Although my decision to give the gift of my virginity to a prostitute might seem immoral, the thought of dying a virgin or never experiencing the pleasures of woman was just too much for me to bear.

      Reply
      • Lisa Eldred on

        Ryan, those three things are actually strategies that have helped me personally kill my own loneliness as a single over the last few years. I acknowledge that they may not be the only solutions, and I am certainly still lonely at times, but they’ve been a good deal of help.

        Regarding your embarrassment at virginity, don’t be embarrassed that you have high standards in looking for a “good old-fashioned woman.” Honestly, I think that the loss of respect for a lifestyle of purity is one of the biggest casualties of recent cultural shifts (but see my comments to “Wow” on feminism). I do want to caution you that porn seems to be setting you up to turn a relationship and sex into an idol for your own satisfaction. If you expect a woman to be focused only on your pleasure and sexual needs, I guarantee that you will be disappointed. That’s not to say you shouldn’t find sexual satisfaction in each other, but porn is custom-tailored for you, while women will have bad days and cramps, and their appearance will change, and even the best wife will never be able to meet the expectations built up by thousands of fictional women in porn (or in movies/TV/music, for that matter).

        If you haven’t already, I highly recommend filling out the form to be notified when the book is available. Hopefully it will provide you with a clearer picture of the importance of purity and help you find joy and wholeness for as long as you remain single.

    3. Wow on

      Thanks for your response. I do agree with a lot you talk about. Don’t feel that I don’t. On your points.

      1) I have no desire to be in a church at all and so do millions of others. In fact, just this week, it was reported that the number of people who do not identify with religion now has eclipsed both Catholics and Protestants. People are getting very tired of the empty promises of religion. This was reported in Time and all the major networks if you need to fact check.

      2) Feminism is extremely evil. There are two versions of feminism. The equality version and the superiority version. The reality is that it is just an agenda. It has nothing to do with equality. Also, there is no gender pay gap. None. I worked in the HR field for a while. Women take one generic statement — women earn 23 cents less than men on average — but no one looks beyond that statement. The 23 cent gender pay gap is simply the difference between the average earnings of all men minus the average earnings of all women. It DOES NOT account for the differences in occupations, positions, education, job tenure and hours worked per week. You have to look below the surface. There is absolutely NO GENDER PAY GAP. There is not a plot by men to keep their wives, girlfriends, mothers, and sisters down. It is laughable to even think that. People better wake up and see that feminism is destroying the family on three fronts. 1) abortion, 2) divorces, and 3) creating an environment where men and women hate each other. Go out to YouTube there are thousands of crazy feminist videos. There is also a reason why boys are committing suicide at a rate four times higher than girls. Why boys arent gong to college. Why they are dropping out of society. Why they are delaying marriage. These are very real things with very real hard data behind them. The reason — feminism.

      3) As I said, I don’t know one happily married men. I know people who put on false fronts, but not any truly happy men. I am sure they exist, but I believe it to be much lower than people care to acknowledge.

      4) Why is having a wife make you any less sinless? I dont understand this? Oh yeah — sex. So God created an urge in us that is so unbelievable strong —- the research is clear on this —- yet that urge is sinful? So God implanted did this to make us sin? The puritanical version of the bible is indeed crazy. If Christ had a wife, he wouldn’t have been any more of less sinful. In fact, it would be encouraging to know he knew first hand the struggles people face.

      5) Nah. I disagree. Having seen the things I have seen — looking at that naked girl is not a big sin at all. Heck, to me it isn’t. Seeing a DA lie in court and destroy lives — much bigger sin, but we never talk about such things in America. Having seen police falsify evidence and set people up — much bigger sin. Having seen government officials embezzle hundreds of thousands meanwhile some guy gets a 20 year prison sentence for stealing 15,000 worth of copper — much bigger sin.

      I like you though. You seem nice. Thanks for responding.

      Reply
      • Lisa Eldred on

        Just want to comment on a few things here.

        First, on feminism. Don’t get me wrong; I agree that there are many problems with it (especially abortion). I do fear that you’re that you’re setting feminists up as straw men. For example, you’re right – some of the statistics for the gender pay gap may be flawed. But just because a feminist believes that the gender pay gap exists does not mean that they believe it is the result of “a plot by men to keep their wives, girlfriends, mothers, and sisters down.” You’re right. Believing that would be ridiculous. But most of the feminist literature I’ve read believes it’s the result of a cultural, systemic prioritization of men based on stereotypes (e.g. it’s engrained in us that men are better at math, so a male accountant will receive disproportionately more money than a female accountant, or will be promoted). It’s a historical/cultural trend, not a conspiracy.

        Again, there are flaws with feminism, just as I believe there are flaws with any humanistic set of beliefs. But that doesn’t mean that all women hate men, or that all of feminism is terrible.

        Regarding Jesus having a wife, I should clarify my position. I don’t think that Jesus having sex with his (hypothetical) wife would make him sinful. I do think that the responsibilities of marriage would have made it difficult for him to both travel widely and preach across all of Judea while simultaneously being a good, supportive husband. As Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34a, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided.” If Jesus had been married, he simply would have had a harder time staying on mission. That being said, if anyone could have been the perfect, sinless husband, it was Jesus, and it’s not going to bother me terribly much if I get to Heaven and find out he was married after all. I don’t think I will, though.

        By the way, do you think that Jesus would have been any less tempted sexually as a single man than a married man? I mean, the Bible is full of stories of him hanging out with prostitutes; even if they were at the point of repentance, it’s highly likely that Jesus still saw tempting sexual situations just in the process of walking around Jerusalem. One author even speculated that the woman caught in the act of adultery was still naked when she was brought before Jesus.

        And finally, to your last point, yep! There certainly is a lot of injustice in the world. But just because it’s wrong that, say, black men are unfairly targeted by the police, that doesn’t make watching porn okay. In fact, science has shown that it messes you up physically, and it messes with your thought process. Even if you don’t read Your Brain on Porn and The Porn Circuit, I highly recommend that you check out groups like the NoFap group on Reddit, which exists for absolutely no religious reasons, but simply because they found that porn was giving them erectile dysfunctions with physically-present women.

      • Marc on

        If you do the research you will find Christians are a big minority. As for porn I hate being a true addict. I’ve had a relationship with Jesus since the age of 16. At 55 I gone thru sever withdrawals I mean detox like symptoms including the shakes. As a Christian porn is akin to idolatry in that it can be a priority over Jesus. Something that can ruin marriages and families is horrifying.

      • Khanair on

        I’m sorry if the modern gospel of, “God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life” was spread to you, the gospel that “God will bring you health, wealth, name it claim it, blab it grab it” that’s not the gospel

        You said, “People are getting very tired of the empty promises of religion.” I’m not sure what was promised to you, Jesus promised that those who followed him would be, “Hated by all men for my name’s sake…in the world ye shall have tribulation….people would hurt you, despise you and slander your name” If someone told you otherwise, I’m sorry.

        It doesn’t matter what you think is right or wrong, it doesn’t matter what I think is right or wrong, God is the source of truth, Jesus said, “Whoso looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery already with her in his heart.”

        Jesus didn’t have a wife, I’ll pay you 100$ if you can show me that Jesus had a wife according to the Bible.

        You’re setting a moral standard, and that’s good, it shows that you have a sense of right and wrong, and have a demand for justice to be done, we have something called a sin nature, we delight to do sin, the sin you delight in is looking at naked women, however you know that it is wrong, you say it isn’t a big sin but it’s the same as committing adultery on God’s scale.

    4. MJ on

      Interesting discussion.

      I am a porn addict and am in a 12 step program. I have had a period of sobriety. What I can say is that I can agree with many of the comments of the original comment including the topics of divorce, feminism, religion, and loneliness. But what I want to add to this conversation is that pornography is addictive and secondly it is self destructive by its very nature. It is an intimacy disorder and comes with a high cost including low self esteem, depression, lonely feelings and ruined relationships.

      Reply
    5. Jeremy on

      I know the “Without watching Porn” is an attention grabber. But are Accountability partners and a long term friend one in the same? Cause I do have one that is like my Brother, that I would trust talking with about anything. It’s just hard to socialize when I’m in disability limbo. He lets me know when we’re hanging out its not a burden to him Finacially to pay for me since I have no income ATM. I feel so guilty and bad. But I have trouble socializing in general when I have anxiety dealing with public in general.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Jeremy. I’m a counselor, and I want to just jump in here. First, I do think that long time friends can be great accountability partners. That trust relationship would be a great footing for accountability. But I just wanted to address the other things you mention here, the anxiety you’re experiencing? I want to make sure you’re getting help for that, because so many times porn use can be a self-medicating behavior for issues like anxiety, and getting treatment for that anxiety will probably make it much easier for you to cope with recovery from porn as well.

        So, if you are not under a doctor’s care, I would suggest that you talk to your physician as soon as you can about the level of anxiety you are experiencing. It sounds like that is really impacting your life in serious ways.

        I’d also recommend that you look for a counselor in your area who might be able to help you process through the issues surrounding that anxiety. Blessings, Kay

    6. James on

      Keep up the good work. I agree with you and I thank God you have the courage and humility to share your wisdom and past experiences and weaknesses with others so that they may be built up to live a life of true happiness.

      In regards to finding sexual satisfaction in a woman, I agree that no woman will ever fully satisfy you. A spouse compliments you, only God completes you and fully satisfies. If you expect your spouse to fulfill all your desires you will be disappointed. In fact, that is really close to using them as merely an object and means to your own pleasure and not truly sacrificing and caring for other.

      Again, keep up God’s work here on earth!

      Reply
    7. Miguel Angel on

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      This one contains Very Powerful Biblical Teachings, beautifully illustrated for you :)

      Jesus Christ Has Died and Resurrected so that we may be resurrected also, into Everlasting Life :D
      He Who Believes In Jesus Christ Shall Not perish, but have Everlasting Life!
      Remember Jesus Christ Loves you and He Wants You to Love Him Back!
      Eternal Life! ^___^
      May The Lord Jesus Christ Bless you all! :D

      Reply
    8. Why hasn't God taken me yet? on

      Why doesn’t God just take me from this world? I’ve not had a problem with real porn, although I’ve looked at girls in swimsuits. That being said, I’m 22 and I’ve never had a girlfriend ever. I’m probably never going to get married because I’m straight but people think I’m gay. Why doesn’t God just remove me from this world so I won’t have to deal with these temptations and sufferings? Also, there is no one at my church I can turn to as an accountability partner.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        You’re here because you are a gift to this world. You are precious and beloved, just as you are–gay or straight, understood or a mystery to others. You are here because you matter to all of us. YOU. Created-in-the-image-of-God, YOU.

        God loves you, as you are, in the midst of temptations and sufferings. “Courage, dear heart.” That’s what Aslan says to Lucy in The Chronicles of Narnia, and that’s what the voice of the Beloved speaks to each of our hearts: “Courage, dear heart.”

        You are here because you are necessary to all of us.

        If there’s no one at your church–and I completely understand that!–then look into finding a counselor who can help you process these thoughts and emotions. There’s healing and hope. You can live free and clear, and there’s help to support you on the way. Please look through the directory and find someone in your area today!

        Peace and love to you, Kay

      • Why hasn't God taken me yet? on

        I don’t have very much money for counseling – at this point I’ve not been able to find work. And I don’t understand why God gave me sexual desires if I’m going to have all these barriers to finding the member of the opposite sex of my dreams. Why couldn’t God have made me an asexual? That way I wouldn’t be tempted sexually, and I wouldn’t have to feel sad about being unable to find a mate. Especially with all the people here telling horror stories about feminism, which would make things bad enough, but people thinking I’m gay makes it worse.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Counseling may be expensive, it’s true. However, many counselors will work with you on a “sliding scale”–meaning income-based fees. There are also community non-profits in many, many cities that offer income-based counseling as well. Do some research. I bet you can find something affordable in your area. Check the CSAT registry, call some counselors, ask questions.

        Also, support groups are usually free. SAA, Pure Desire, Celebrate Recovery–there are many options. Find some close to you, and go there.

        Don’t believe the stories that blame feminists or anyone else. The truth is, we all make our own choices, and the only way forward is to accept that truth and take responsibility for ourselves. peace to you, Kay

      • Why hasn't God taken me yet? on

        While it’s true that we have responsibilities, I’m not sure how to overcome the problem of feminism and people thinking I’m gay when I’m actually straight. The whole thing seems intimidating and I’m afraid that I don’t have what it takes to overcome that hurdle.

      • Kay Bruner on

        You don’t have to overcome feminism, or change what other people think of you.

        These things are not under your control, and they distract you from what IS under your control: your choices.

        Focus your attention on what is healthy for you. Find a counselor. Find a group. Work on your own health and healing.

        You can live free and clear, healthy and well. I hope you’ll make that choice.

        Kay

      • Why hasn't God taken me yet? on

        What good are my choices if they can’t fix my life? No job, no wife, but plenty of misery.

      • Kay Bruner on

        I know it’s hard, when you’re depressed, to think that life can get better. It’s like being locked in a dark room and feeling like that’s all there is. The truth is, though, that there IS healing! We’re so blessed to be living in a time when medication can help us. We’re blessed to have therapists to help us. We’re blessed to have support groups. None of that is going to “fix” any of the circumstances, but they can definitely help us see more options and better options than we can when we’re depressed.

        In recent years, experts have done some amazing work with brain scans, looking at healthy brains vs. depressed brains. In healthy brains, there’s lots of light, lots of networking. In depressed brains, there’s darkness. Whole sections of the brain are shut down. It’s fascinating to me that what depression “feels” like (darkness) is what it actually looks like on a brain scan!

        Depression is a treatable illness.

        I hope you will call your doctor today, and get started treating that illness. A counselor is also a good call to make. A group could be helpful as well.

        Blessings, Kay

    9. Why hasn't God taken me yet? on

      How is that possible? I don’t see how I’ll be able to find a wife and live the life I want with all these circumstances.

      Reply
      • Khanair on

        Look, I’m 21 and in 7m will be 22, I’ve never watched porn as well but as a red blooded man, I have looked at women dressed immodestly and kicked myself afterward.

        I have never had a girlfriend as well, there are mostly older people in my church as well no accountability partner there as well, so I’m glad I can relate on some level, I’m sorry that people think you’re gay, I can’t relate in that part but there is no one in my church near my age available so there’s “no one to choose from”

        Now, the temptations can be big, I understand, I have a hard time as well, it’s good to hear that you haven’t viewed porn, keep it up, limit technology if need be.

        I’m no expert only one person that can relate to your situation, now I struggle with depression, I don’t know if you do or not, but that’s just something I struggle with as well as with the temptations.

        I have had the thoughts that you have expressed, I almost prayed that God would just kill me because of the hurt, I’m not going to butter it up but I don’t know what God has for you in the future, or for me.

        It’s good to hear that you’re desiring to follow Jesus, keep on, yes it’s hard sometimes…a lot of times, try to get involved in ministry, that’s what I’m about to do.

        You mention that you don’t have a lot of money for counseling, well I have no money just about, bills and bills for me.

        I’d say our problems are almost the same, will we find wives? I don’t know, I bet you hate when people say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” I do too, my mom keeps on saying that.

        What I’d say is don’t plunge into a relationship, make sure that the person is godly, holy, not perfect we’re not perfect, I sometimes wonder, “What gorgeous and godly lady would want to marry someone who struggles with depression and is an introvert?” Well, the gorgeous and godly lady wouldn’t look for someone who’s perfect, just someone who is following Jesus.

        Take some time to meditate on Hebrews 11, especially the last part, I would recommend keeping your eyes away from women in swimsuits.

        I do pray God leads you to this, it’s been a few months but I pray you read this.

    10. Joe on

      “But remember, with God you are never alone…and usually the support will be physically available, not just the nebulous spirituality of “relying on God.””

      What’s the difference?

      Besides, if God is enough then why does anyone need a filtering product?

      Reply

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