More and more I meet women who are so disheartened because their husbands have stopped really initiating sex and have instead gone to porn for satisfaction. I hear this from women who say they miss having sex with their husbands, and they just don’t know what to do to reestablish the connection.
There are a few reasons for this kind of problem.
1. Porn, compared to real-life sex, feels safer for some men. Porn is not so much a sexual experience as it is a fantasy experience where men don’t have to think about the needs of another person, where they don’t have to risk being rejected. In short, porn can make a man feel like a man without requiring him to be one. Men really need to come to terms with this truth about themselves.
2. There’s an important neurological side to this as well. Your husband has built up a habit in his life, and trained his brain how to respond sexually. The chemical vasopressin, which is released during sex in a man’s body, bonds a man to his sexual partner, but when he’s using porn, his brain isn’t bonding to a person but to a two-dimensional screen. Over time, as this becomes more ingrained, while he may want sex to turn him on, the neurological ruts in his brain are too deep and he find sex just doesn’t excite him as much as it used to. Some men even experience erectile dysfunction with their wives, but with porn the plumbing works great. That’s not because the problem is in the organ. The problem is in the brain.
- 10 Signs of Porn Addiction: Do These Describe Your Husband?
- Husband Watches Porn: Handling a Spouse’s Porn Addiction
It’s important to remember: you aren’t the source of the problem. More that likely, your husband has been into porn long before you came into his life. This habit that has built up over the years has been your husband’s choice, and now he needs to make new choices to move away from his old habit and towards intimacy with you.
I firmly believe this is not the kind of legacy men want in the long run. No man says, “I hope to grow up married to a wonderful woman who waits in bed for me while I’m in the den masturbating to porn.”
If this is the state of things in your marriage, I’m truly sorry. Consider downloading the free ebook Porn and Your Husband. I think you’ll find it helpful.
My husband and I have been married for 41 years .
We have 2 children ages 40 and 39 and sex was always ok although I didn’t like a certain thing he liked .
The past 8 years I developed terrible pain like cut glass when he entered me so it was impossible for intercourse . He has developed bad breath beside cleaning his teeth which is a put off .
I found out he watches porn he suggested I get a vibrator so I had a look and said if I buy this will you help me with this , his answer was no it’s for you to enjoy in other words I am not interested in sex only porn sex .
Because I have regected him this is now how it is , we pick at each other and he is often moody and I think we could end up divorced.
I told he he preferred porn because the women are perfect and he sort of agreed . I think this is what happens men want kids once they are grown up and have lives of their own they are not that bothered , as their woman is not as good looking as what they can see and get off on on the porn sites .he said loads of people watch porn 99% people watch it , let’s say that it’s more men than women.
“It’s important to remember: you aren’t the source of the problem.”
Like most generalizations, this is most assuredly bull. In some cases, it is. In some other cases it isn’t. Oftentimes both are at fault to different extents.
Seriously, your generalized views are disturbing. I came on here to try to help myself understand why he feels the need when I after 13 years am still very willing. Also at 36 years old I still have my physique and often get told I look 26 without makeup in sweat clothes and am hit on more than I care to talk about. Its sad that a man like you would try to justify selfishness and have no depth then be on a thread like this spouting ideals that are so archaic. Also just for the record I give my husband most of what he asks for. I make a conscious effort to be fun for him. He is rude and selfish but not all the time or I couldn’t stand him. I am sexual but I am a one man woman. I found a man and his sex is amazing to me. Why would I give that up for something different that likely won’t satisfy any other needs and doesn’t care about me as a person. Why do men think the grass is greener whenbi know what he likes and try to keep it spicy. Yet mine won’t let me initiate sex which blows my mind. He makes me feel dumb for wanting him. Offer oral but nope. Its not ok to be so selfish and stay. If you want something else go. So don’t get married if you can’t care about your partners desire and needs. Strip away the sex the lost and all human beings need comfort and care. You sir are a narcissist.
Can anyone offer real advice? Thank you
My sex life with my wife was great until she couldn’t get pregnant. Sex turned into a process. “Honey! Right now! I’m ovulating!” After we failed at having children, she had a negative feeling towards sex. Had to use lube… faking orgasms… She never again initiated sex and rejected me 4 out of 5 time times. Then 9 out of 10 times. Then I just stopped asking and she never said a word. She still loves me mind and spirit but not physically. I asked her if we could go to therapy and she refused. I found porn to be a suitable replacement. She knows about it and is happy I, at least, have something. I also enjoy the variety aspect since I was almost a virgin when I met her and have always wondered what different women were like. That’s my story.
From the early weeks of my marriage, sex became a problem. My husband didn’t expect me to express what I liked. It was all about his gratification When I tried to slow him down once by kissing his neck and playing the seductress, he became frustrated.
“Stop smacking!”
Wow! Is that any way to talk to the woman you married only weeks before?
I got out of bed and retreated to the den. He followed but didn’t get why I was upset. I tried to explain that women aren’t like microwaves; they’re like a conventional oven. They have to be preheated. I added that many women do not achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation, which he should hade known since this was a second marriage for both of us and he had other partners between marriages. When he asked me what I wanted; I said that oral sex would be nice. That, my friends, was a deal breaker! Turns out he hates oral sex unless he’s on the receiving end.
After that, the sex stopped. We’ve been married almost 28 years. I have seduced him and he says d he felt pressured. I honestly wondered if he was gay. Now, I find out he’s been using porn since the beginning. I don’t understand why a man would choose a magazine (that’s his porn or choice, or s he says) over a willing partner!
I enjoy sex but I don’t like knowing my husband has cheated me out of intimacy and a sex life! I don’t want to divorce him but I’m considering that option more and more.
Hey Martha,
I am so sorry for all these years of pain. It sounds like your husband has issues that he’s never dealt with, and probably sexual gratification without having to attend to the wants/needs of another person has become his best-fit sexual experience. It sounds like he’s not really interested in an actual relationship with a real person, and that’s definitely not what marriage is about! Here’s an article that you might find helpful when you consider divorce: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Peace to you in this hard situation,
Kay
Hello I’ve been with my husband for 3 years now and when we started dating he was always very frisky and seemed like he was ready to go…we weren’t intimate together until after we got married but aren’t really intimate after that either and I know he’s using porn because I’ve caught him plenty of times and I don’t know what to do he doesn’t want to touch me and it’s really starting to upset me.
Hey there.
Of course you are upset. This is not what you signed up for! It sounds like your husband has some issues he needs to work through. Is he willing to work through them? That’s really the question.
Meanwhile, consider your boundaries: is this okay with you? Is it not okay with you? Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should help as you think this through.
You can’t make someone else live up to their commitments, unfortunately. You can decide, however, to make healthy choices for yourself, no matter what others choose.
Peace,
Kay
Not all men are pickup artists, nor do they have much money left over after the bills get paid.
So what does a man in that situation do when his wife almost always turns him down when he attempts to initiate sex? He will turn to porn, because that is all he has left.
Having a real woman in his arms is what every man wants. but he tends to end up with a starfish complaining that he’s taking too long if he’s managed to achieve a rare success and talk her into sex. Far better to just find some porn and masturbate to that. It’s far more satisfying.
what a load of rubbish. I try and initiate sex all the time. and have done for years but he knocks me back every time because he is tired. he would rather turn on the porn and do himself instead.,,, and why?
becvause he cant be bothered. Why are women blamed when men are the ones being sneaky, selfish and lazy.
I understand the reasons why men like porn, variety, laziness, easy are all or part of the reasons. But what I dont understand is why they prefer it to real sex with someone they profess to love.
My husband started watching porn more seriously 30 years ago, I would see the collection of videos or dvds growing in his draw. It didn’t bother me too much.men will be men and all that stuff. We had a fantastic sex life, so what was the harm.
Then things began to change, he stopped wanting sex, and it became hurtful, for example.We would be at a party where amorous overtones between us would start, so we would say our goodbyes and head home to have sex. By the time we got home he would become cold and angry. One example was when we began getting intimate in the lounge, I was on his lap, he removed my shirt, and things began heating up, then he just stood up, which had me falling to the floor, and walked away saying “I don’t feel like it now”. I cant even tell you how this made me feel. If he had been drinking, by the time we got home he would be angry and I had no idea why.Sometimes if he had been away for weeks with work, and I would be missing him so much so I would try to initiate sex, he would say he didn’t feel like it and was going to bed, only to pop back in the room later and say, a hand job would be ok. He had no interest in pleasing me. Sometimes i’d do what he ask, in the dark, crying because I felt so unloved, unwanted and confused.
This went on for seven years. I became afraid of him when he had been drinking.he always hated himself the next day when I asked for an explanation, as he never remembered. Eventually he sent me an email trying to explain himself. he said he had read an article about the mans G spot being in his anus, and had begun watching porn with that theme. he hated himself for it as it began to become a obbsession, but he felt like a sicko and could not tell me about this fascination. So when we were getting hot and heavy he wold begin this internal conversation about wishing we could do certain things, but because he couldn’t tell me about it, because he felt ashamed, he got angry and transferred all that to me, so by the time we would get home, he was angry and decided to punish me by not having sex. The last sentence in his email was ” So if you do this, my bad behaviour will stop”. I felt blackmailed. and like he broke the specialness we had. We tried what he wanted and he HATED IT!!!
So now, I initiate the sex, or try to. I discovered last year that he was on porn sites up to 12 times a week. No wonder he always went to bed earlier than me. he never wanted sex so I dont get it. When I confronted him about this he was devastated and crying that he had done this… I think because he got caught. We sorted through this. But still our sex life has just about vanished. he will not initiate it, and normally knocks me back when I do.
We went on a holiday in July and it was fabulous, we had lots of sex and I felt the bond between us coming back. But it didn’t last.
After we got home I started noticing he was going to bed early again, and I saw the tablet back on his bedside table.and again we were not having sex.
Now last week I find he is back on the porn, sometimes 3 times a day. and to make it worse he has been secretly buying Cialis at $200 a pack. So he is buying Cialis and Viagra so he can get himself off to porn, instead of having sex with his wife. he tells me all the time he loves me and I am beautiful. I look after myself and look great for my age.
So now I am thinking, why wold you be having Cialis and Viagra for porn, and the awful thought that maybe he is having sex with someone else outside the home. Why would you deal with the constant back ache that he is always complaining about, and from what I read the main side effect with Cialis just to have sex with a screen. I am hurt, upset and so confused and now left feeling sick and anxious, while he is having a fabulous time on his own. (I hope). So I do believe that porn is a very slippery slope and not a harmless bit of fun for men to indulge in.
Hey Jane,
Our culture teaches men to deny, repress and ignore their emotions (big boys don’t cry, be a man) and then teaches them that they will inevitably act out sexually (boys will be boys, locker room talk).
I think it’s good that your husband can recognize that he has inner shame around his sexuality and desires; however, he still believes that acting out sexually is the answer!
He really needs to go to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and explore the pain that drives his behaviors. Until he does that, he’s probably going to remain in this pattern.
As for what you can do? Get into therapy yourself to help process your emotions and build healthy boundaries for yourself (here, here, and here are some links on boundaries). The online resources at Bloom for Women will be helpful to you as well.
Peace to you,
Kay
My husband didn’t see a problem with his porn use until I told him how much it devastated me. He would turn me down brutally for sex and then I’d find porn tabs on the computer. I confronted him and allowed myself to be angry and speak candidly. When porn replaces intimacy in the relationship, it is a PROBLEM.
1) A wife has a need to be emotionally and physically stimulated to enjoy sex. People who use porn frequently fall into lazy habits because porn doesn’t require foreplay. It also doesn’t require the talent and skill of actually pleasing a partner. Therefore, it is inherently lazy and selfish to choose porn over building intimacy with your SO.
2) It damages your spouse. It is an active way of telling your spouse that you can’t be bothered to put forth effort into their happiness and well being. On any level, that is painful, whether it is overt or not.
3) This usually affects other areas of your life in some way. When you can’t be intimate with your spouse, it often means less communication, less friendship, less connection. It can manifest in different ways. I could always tell when my husband’s porn use had started again, because he would zone out during sex, wouldn’t be as easy to engage in conversation, and would be distant in his behavior. Like, he might be physically present, but he was mentally and emotionally elsewhere. That’s when I’d know it was time to start telling him, “Hey, not cutting it, buddy.”
I also noticed, as some others have mentioned on here, that it’s really common for guys to let themselves go, but demand physical perfection from their spouse. I truly believe that it is due to women being seen as “commodities” in today’s culture. Porn is a part of that.
I am a model, and I have a lot of fans. I don’t do nude stuff, but I still have men message me who have stated that they would *love* to be with me. When my husband kept turning me down or wouldn’t be able to perform during sex, I KNEW it wasn’t because I wasn’t hot enough or exciting enough. The guy commenting before who seems so defensive of his porn use sounds like he’s in a pretty miserable and selfish point in his life, probably not in a successful relationship.
Marriage takes work and effort to maintain intimacy. This fast paced, instant gratification culture we live in damages our relationships if we don’t act like responsible adults. This whole “married sex is boring” trope is a complete fallacy. If you re focus that selfish effort to watch porn into getting creative in the bedroom with your wife or husband, I guarantee things will get exponentially happier and more satisfying long term.
My husband chose me. It’s not an easy thing- I still have his passwords and get paranoid sometimes, but he chose me and we are a team on this. We would rather have a happy and fulfilling partnership for both of us than some half assed, selfish, lazy excuse of a marriage.
Aside from all this, and perhaps the most important part to me is, setting a good example for our kids. Children see the way you treat each other and think, “that’s how relationships are supposed to work.” If all they ever see is distance and estrangement, or fighting, they are likely to get trapped in those kinds of relationships themselves.
Love and support to all of you.
Married 50 years and my husband wouldn’t have sex with me, he told me I was boring when it came to sex. I had no imagination, so for him I was like being with a garden Nomes.
For the first 10 years or so he used his hand for satisfaction and I was left alone. For the next 40 years he’s had erectile dysfunction and a host of other problems. He was treated for his problems but refused his erection problem help. living like I did was sad but it was my own fault, I could have left him but didn’t. I was treated horribly and had a lot of female problems which lead to a hysterectomy. After that i never wanted sex.