More and more I meet women who are so disheartened because their husband’s have stopped really initiating sex and have instead gone to porn for satisfaction. I hear this from women who say they miss having sex with their husbands, and they just don’t know what to do to reestablish the connection.
There are a few reasons for this kind of problem.
1. Porn, compared to real life sex, feels safer for some men. Porn is not so much a sexual experience as it is a fantasy experience where men don’t have to think about the needs of another person, where they don’t have to risk being rejected. In short, porn can make a man feel like a man without requiring him to be one. Men really need to come to terms with this truth about themselves.
2. There’s an important neurological side to this as well. Your husband has built up a habit in his life, trained his brain how to respond sexually. The chemical vasopressin, which is released during sex in a man’s body, bonds a man to his sexual partner, but when he’s using porn, his brain isn’t bonding to a person but to a two-dimensional screen. Over time, as this becomes more ingrained, while he may want sex to turn him on, the neurological ruts in his brain are too deep and he find sex just doesn’t excite him as much as it used to. Some men even experience erectile dysfunction with their wives, but with porn the plumbing works great. That’s not because the problem is in the organ. The problem is in the brain.
It’s important to remember: you aren’t the source of the problem. More that likely, your husband has been into porn long before you came into his life. This habit that has built up over the years has been your husband’s choice, and now he needs to make new choices to move away from his old habit and towards intimacy with you.
I firmly believe this is not the kind of legacy men want in the long run. No man says, “I hope to grow up married to a wonderful woman who waits in bed for me while I’m in the den masturbating to porn.”
If this is the state of things in your marriage, I’m truly sorry. Consider downloading the free ebook Porn and Your Husband. I think you’ll find it helpful.
And #3, the sinful nature is predisposed to selfishness, which both spouses must address to move from false intimacy to real intimacy with each other and with God.
I don’t understand, I amount to nothing. Is there love out there?
I haven’t read the book,but I would like to know if its common to hear the words, “I’m just lazy and porn takes 2 minutes and I’m done and asleep where with you (me the wife) there is work and takes longer.
I feel more like this, men get a freaky girl in the bedroom its to intimaditing, gosh forbid she knows what she likes or her body because its all about him (sounds like this guy that keeps commenting about marriage a Christians) but if she doesn’t do these things its an excuse to say they want to.
I feel that this is a society issue the term boys will be boys is an excuse we have given men to do things that satisfy them with no regards to how it effects Women, their family or anything.
I am a Christian woman, I did bring another girl into my first marriage to satisfy my husband fantasy it was to much because the girl and I had a bond a friendship prior and it ended in divorce.
But my husband now of 12 yrs straight out tells me its to much work to have sex its just Easier to be done. The one thing I can say to this guy is he keeps saying these woman are beautiful and willing. Well sure if anyone puts on tons of make up a and has a camera man to edit bad angles they are always gorgeous, but thats not real life, I modeled I’m willing to do anything my husband would want obviously but he started watching porn as a child and is lazy (his words not mine) like any addiction if it effects your job, your daily life, you dont even do the things you enjoy because you are doing this and lieing about it, you become aggressive and abusive because of your addiction then there is moe going on than watching a fantasy.
Hello, Tammy, obvioiusly I don’t have all of the details for your specific situation, but based on the details you’ve shared, it seems that there is a distorted view of what sex is intended to be. And, pornography consumption will only fuel that distortion. Sex in marriage works best when it is a “giving” act. It’s something that I offer and then receive from my wife as her willing and gracious offer to me. It seems that your husband sees it simply as an act to satisfy him. It’s all about the orgasm! And, pornography perpetuates the “me” nature of sex because it’s all about the viewer and his/her need to “get off.” Often, those who watch porn are not thinking about the needs of the porn stars at all. Porn stars simply become the trophies of his fantasies and make him feel in control and desireable. Relationships and true intimacy require effort. Porn demands nothing. It’s lust. Nothing about lust prepares someone to be a real lover. You hit the nail on the head when you said, “but that’s not real life.” You are correct. Porn is a lie.
How can you be cared for in this situation? Do you have anyone that you can open up to about this struggle? Are there boundaries you can create for the restoration of your own heart?
Chris
Perhaps sex is just plain over rated. My wife rejected me a few of times and it was so terrible getting rejected like that and I didnt want to ask again and again as she said that feels like some sort of sexual harassment so I decided never to sexually harass her or to be rejected again and now I am happier with masturbation. Its more pleasurable and faster. At first it wasn’t easy but life goes on and now all is ok. We still love each other just not sexually. She sometimes tries to initiate sex but I am no longer interested. When I think back on it all she did was lie there anyway
I watched porn because I could not stand my wife and didn’t really want to go out and cheat. She was so annoying I would stay at work until very late. At work there was a computer. On the computer there was porn. I didn’t really like the porn that much. It was just that going home to her was such a displeasurable idea that the porn won by default.
Any there any online support groups for women going through this. It’s becoming more devastating and I’m starting to hate him much. He makes me feel like nothing.
Hi Winnie, check out https://beyondbetrayal.community/ for support for wives.
Do people actually believe this nonsense? If you are going to deal with porn, at least be honest about why people watch it.
1. The first bullet point is nonsense. Men watch porn to feel like a man? Puhleeze. Men watch porn because the women are good looking and do everything in the bedroom. Essentially, those girls look better than the average wife and do more than the average wife. Sex can get so unbelievably boring after marriage. This website is so anti-men. That men fail to do things after marriage. I hate to tell you, but women fail to do a lot after marriage and a lot of that starts in the bedroom. Women will do everything to get you, but once they have you, the revert back to not doing anything. Bottom line —- people put on freaking false fronts when they date. Then the real person comes out after marriage.
2. The second bullet point is nonsense too. Know why the plumbing doesn’t work with the wife? Because odds are she is not as good looking or adventuresome as the women in porn videos. To put it simply: I love chocolate pie. Greatest thing to man. But if I have the same chocolate pie every day for years —- even that will get old!!!
Then there is the fact that many Christians have this notion that marriage is a wonderful thing over the long term. No, actually, it is quite boring and can be quite taxing. Ever see an older married couple fight like dogs? Well guess what — they fight because they are sick of being with each other. If a couple does not seriously work at a marriage, it can become a nightmare. Then many men wont get divorced because they get screwed in the divorce.
If you are going to ever deal with the porn issue, the first step is to be honest as to why people are watching it. Not some made up BS.
1. You said men watch porn because the women are good looking at do everything in the bedroom. Sure. Of course. But why is that appealing? It’s not merely because of biology. It is appealing because of how it makes a man feel about himself. Study after study shows this: porn reinforces a sense of “trophyism” and validation among its consumers, that beautiful women are collectibles that validate a man’s sense of sexual prowess and worth. Your observations about men liking to consume beautiful women in porn is true. We’re simply pointing out a deeper psychological motivation for it.
2. Your point here is moot as well because it isn’t only married men who experience porn-induced ED. In fact, it is mostly single men who can’t get it up for their girlfriend or person they just went on a date with.
I’d love to know why you think this website is anti-men (as opposed to, say, pro-men or anti-women). Please let me know why you think this.
You also seem to believe Christians live in a fantasy world where marriage and sex will always be wonderful in the long term. You are probably right that many Christians believe this—though I don’t know many people like this myself. I’m just happy the Bible itself doesn’t endorse this kind of fantasy.
As far this all being made up “BS,” if you want to read the research we’ve done on the topic, you can download this packet of statistics. If you can find some good research that shows us our conclusions are wrong, we’d love to read it.
1. Why do you believe that pshyco babble? Trophyism? Really? With women you never even meet? Come on. Just face facts it is exciting to see different good looking women having sex. How can it validate a man’s sexual prowess when the man isn’t having sex? That is ridiculous. You are trying to make up BS reasons. The real reasons is that the women are good looking and better looking than the average overweight women that exist in our society. Then being with the same person every day of your life gets old.
2. If you can’t see this website always places blame on men, I think you should reread your articles. Also, if a single man cannot get it up with his girlfriend there is more going on than just watching porn. My guess? Drugs and diet. Or the woman he is with doesnt really attract him and he is just with her just because.
1. I suppose a better question is why you don’t believe it? I’m pulling language straight from what those in porn addictive recovery groups and clinical groups actually say. I’m pulling information from various meta-analyses on the subject. If you have other information feeding your opinions, I’d love to read it.
2. Again, your conjectures don’t measure up when you actually talk to the people involved or the clinicians who treat them. Doctors would probably not have made up the the label “porn-induced ED” if they just saw a bunch of dissatisfied, drug-using, unhealthy men coming in who couldn’t get it up. No. The common denominator for all these guys is the porn. Gary Wilson has a good TEDx talk about this if you want to see it.
I really do want to understand where you’re coming from, but it seems like most of what you’re saying stems from your own conjectures.
Sorry you experienced a boring unattractive wife in the sack, these bozos that turn to porn instead of intimacy with their very adventurous very sexually driven wives that are craving their man who becomes lazy and avoiding sex like a winy brawd with headaches and all kinds of bs excuses only to find out that they are seeking pleasure from Skanks online witch would never look at these men twice in real life is sad if they have a total freak in their bed every night. Turn the tables, woman with needs even married ones can always go online and please another man virtually, how would that husband feel watching his wife perform a steamy hot show for someone online and husband watch the whole thing including the virtual participant watch and get off to this beautiful sexually driven woman who’s simply neglected in that department from her husband.
Well I myself have role played and lots of foreplay and I’m a very attractive female that has tried to get his attention now I’m pissed off, aggravated and disappointed, I could find a more attractive man that can respond to real intimacy I’m too busy to wait or tolerate disrespect this has been going on off and on since we married 3 yrs ago, I can be up for anything, maybe if he took a look in the mirror he might realize I excepted him even if he wasn’t the most attractive man he thinks he is. Virtual reality sex is just a sand box for perverts to stick their head in… my husband is 46 and I’m 36 there isn’t much room for excuses I tried doing the whole understanding bit but only to realize my husband has such a narrow mind he could fall on a pinhead and it would blind him in both eyes…
a
Yeah, “being understanding” when the other person isn’t willing to do their part is a short road to frustration. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries, and here’s one Ella wrote recently that you might find helpful as well. I hope you’ll do what’s healthy and right for you, regardless of the bad choices your husband makes. Find help and support just for YOU in this, through personal counseling and/or a group like Celebrate Recovery or S Anon. Blessings, Kay
All the literature on sexuality states that ED is either a relational problem or a medical problem. Medically, ED is related to heart disease, diabetes or prostate problems. Relationally the mind is the most important sexual organ, skin is the largest sex organ. It’s not a chemical in the brain that causes relational problems, it’s what and how you think relationally. That’s why ED is relationally specific if it is not a medical problem.
I’m sorry but I have to disagree. Not every women looks bad as you claim they do. I always took care of myself and made sure I looked good next to my husband and did everything to please him in the bedroom and most things that you would see in porno, but that was never good enough because he always turned back to porno. He said he never had the urge to have sex. Don’t be to sure about what you say because it isn’t true in most cases. He knew I would do anything for him especially in the bedroom so don’t be too quick to judge and and assume. Some men just prefer fantasy over real sex, just because you might not be like that doesn’t mean someone else can’t be. So before you assume make sure you do your research.
well what about the wife who always wants to be adventures with her husband and is a Christian! I have different wigs lingire, I want to be as fun as those women I want it all the time just as long as it is with him! I get that once in a while breaking and looking at that for the fantasy escape but always choosing that and never wanting me! I am very desirable to many many men so its not me or me not being a fantasy it is him and the first bullet sounds about right! I mean I have been offered many many many times to be in porn videos..so I do not agree with you!
PORN, SHOULD NOT EXIST! It is not natural. It is perverse, it is not realistic… Real women are… AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED IT IS A COWARDLY MAN THAT INDULGES. Why are you on this site, if you feel, that way?
I pray you never have to deal with the pain, rejection, devastation, and emotional wreckage the spouses (men AND women) of sex addicts deal with. I promise you, your uneducated, unaware opinion would change VERY quickly!!
There are men happily married into their old age. There are women who continue to love sex with their husbands, keep themselves in shape, are adventuresome. God’s ideals for marriage, commitment and faithfulness work if both parties love unselfishly. The guy who objects so strongly obviously had a bad experience and rather than trying God’s way finds it easier to use porn. He’s correct that both parties have to work to make it good. I pray he finds Christ and the kind of love that God wants all to have.
I disagree in a few points.
I am the girlfriend who is willing and wanting to experiment and make sex fun. Boyfriend however, said he looks forward to and anticipates and gets more from porn than having sex. For him, masturbating over porn is way more exciting than having sex. I tried to understand what he gets from it. And all I hear is “I can look at a lot of naked women at once” and even “I lived all my fantasies through porn, I have none to share with you”. So no, it is not my fault that I am more interested in sex, want to experiment, play and have variation, and yet, he prefers to masturbate over porn.
Absolutely, it is NOT your fault. Women should never, never be blamed for the unhealthy choices of others. Thank you for sharing this.
Well I’m a wife who is adventurous and yes I’ve had children my youngest being 9 months but I weigh less now then I did before I got pregnant. I don’t reject him but it hurts when he chooses porn over having sex with me and the excuse that I’ve been given is that it’s faster and not exercise etc
You are not at fault in your husband’s choices.
Please consider what healthy boundaries look like for you: here, here, and here are some articles to get you started.
Also, check into the online resources at Bloom for Women for really great support.
You are not required to live with someone who refuses to invest in your relationship and clearly would prefer to be alone. He’s saying it’s easier on him to do porn rather than a real relationship. I would say, that’s a pretty clear indication of what you can expect. Think about how much you want to invest with someone who’s so clear about his own level of investment.
I’m so, so sorry that this is the reality, but it’s not your fault. Never, ever.
Peace,
Kay
Very insightful and honest words
Spoken like an immature, selfish person who has no understanding of the true meaning of a relationship. Obviously, it’s primarily about physical gratification to you and you’re too self-absorbed and angry towards women to look at the situation with a true heart.
I basically had to stop myself from throwing my phone after reading this trash. I bet those men don’t look as good as they once did either. Your logic is not only biased but completely unfair to the women who have kept their looks up to par and even improving in some areas and who also agree and suggest any and every sexual act she thinks will keep him satisfied and also consent to any and all his requests. I have done all the above and even given him the option to bring others to our bed or have someone else solo if I was not giving him what he needed and still he chooses to watch porn right behind my back while we’re supposed to be watching a movie. So if I’m still as sexy & beautiful as before,& be his personal porn star. What else I missing?
I am an actual model…. I model fetish ware. I am more sexual open minded that my husband. He tells me I am living and smaller and giving and fun. His porn watching was an escape from intimacy. I asked for emotional Intimacy and that make him uncomfortable. So instead of talking to me he chose porn. Easy, quick, selfish and zero intimacy. It had nothing to do with how I look or what I do or don’t do in the bed room. My husband now admits it was his issues around intimacy thy made porn over having sex with me his choice for years. He didn’t change his tune until I decided to file for divorce. The relationship was empty for me emotionally and also sexually because he had nothing left for me after porn. Suddenly he wanted to work
On intimacy and go to counseling. His porn use and lack of emotional intelligence has caused a lot of damage in this marriage. I don’t know if it’s worth it to me to keep trying. P.S He also cheated physically and would have online affairs.. all because he was to lazy to spend some quality time meeting his wife’s emotional and sexual needs.
Your opinion is just that, your opinion. You obviously hate yourself and I’m sure single or will be. You can’t say women stop doing things after marriage unless you know every woman. You are going by what data, observational data likely.
I can only speak for what I KNOW. If someone is researching this topic they might actually care enough to want to fix it. And as a woman who has and does watch porn, I equal up to those women without makeup and lighting. Anyway, porn is easier at Times but every guy I ever talk to about sex, nothing beats a real woman. Also, eating a pie daily is a dumb reference to being with the same woman. And I’m unsure how many long-term relationships you are referring to but the ones I know that 30+ years are what I kno of really beautiful and funny and sexy. Although a few were 2nd marriage where they met in their 30s.
I feel the dr and mr luke are correct yeah its a fantasy but not every house is the same my husband can have sex with me whenever and how ever the bed of marriage has no limits except outside help. He chooses not to because of porn and the fantasy of having sex with different women he fantasize then attempts to act out because he has been screwing any woman ofr most of his life all his other relationships it was an open relationship which he could have new women whenever he is trying to control his craving that he has built a habit for and porn makes it worst and he tries to watch while we are making love so i dont agree. I am the wife that tries to keep everything fun fresh and exciting he has other things he is used to. He would say hes too tired to have sex but go in the bathroom for 2 hours shower and masturbate.
That “dr” must have earned a Wikipedia MD
“What and how you think” is *purely* chemical, sorry doc. The brain is just an electrochemical computer running an “app” which is us. So yes, chemical imbalances can impact personality and addiction is chemical regardless of if it is one or two stage (foreign chemical releasing endorphins or a *behavior* causing the brain to release them)
This wouldn’t be news to any actual MD
I agree with all!! i’ll tell you why….i have been with my hubby for 14 yrs out of those years he had a 5 yrs affair with a friend around the corner….now when i caught him his excuse was that he needed to have more sex then what he had with me….we use to have sex 4 times a day!!! then we went down to 2 to 3 times a day to then once a day and at times we didn’t have sex but that was when he was having an affair since he was having sex with her every morning and night by the time he got home to me he didn’t want to have sex with me….now about being sexier or prettier that’s depends buz the lady was fat and ugly so that didn’t apply to my situation. as almost every woman does i took him back and have been trying to work on our relationship for the past 3 yrs…for the first 2yrs we were having great sex like when we were dating then this last year it went down hill, now he needs porn to get him hard to have sex with me…when i ask him he has no explanation…so i leave him alone until he’s ready be it one day or a week….in my case i just get tired of trying to please a man which is never satisfied…almost all men are NEVER satisfied…they’ll lie and say they are but they really dont’ want to tellyou the truth…
I’ll just quickly comment that the number of sexual encounters per day that he required seems excessive. I would definitely be suspicious of a full-blown sexual addiction. Certainly the fact that he now struggles with erectile dysfunction fits that picture as well.
Not all men are liars who can’t be satisfied. I understand that’s been your experience for many years with your husband, though, and that makes it seem like all the world is like this.
I hope you’re finding support for yourself in this. I would suggest S Anon for you, if it’s available in your area. Even Al Anon I’ve found to be helpful to spouses in situations like this. Please take care of yourself! Blessings, Kay
It is really laughable and sad at the same time.
Men will and do lose their desire for their wives and girlfriends. My ex husband could be a poster child for this problem. In their fantasy, they convince they are a real stud and these cartoon porn women are at their beck & call. It
Is fake sex. Men often tend to let themselves
go, lookswise and hygiene wise too. They are not masculine anymore, but a fraud man pretending. What real women would have any respect or genuine sexual desire for these men? They have become brain damaged and worthless as a man. Right they should feel worthless and perverted. Strong masculine men desire real women and take their sexual pleasure from them. As this persists, they will
find themselves more and more alone, women will want nothing to do with them. View them as eunuch literally, as their penises will cease to function anymore. To be pitied evermore
I have been with my bf for 3 years now and he loves porn …itsunami like an every day thing…I watch him looking at porn on his phone.. he makes excuses up saying that he has low testosterone I told him to prove it to me so he went to the docs with me and had blood work done and came back normal…if I do something that he doesn’t like he tells me that he’s not going to give me sex he’s going to jerk off to porn ..he uses porn for some kinda punishment on me if I don’t do what he says..he tells me that he loss his libo ummm if you loss your libo you sure don’t have a problem watching sex and getting turned on to jerk off…I am not ugly one bit but he sure is making me feel ugly as he rejectsaid me all the time when I want sex…he says I have the part and you have to wait ..I don’t know what to do anymore…like don’t get me wrong don’t care if he watches porn but to get the rejection each time freaking hurts …if he does offer to have sex with me he says wow you never turn down..I said that’s because I take it when I can get it as its not very much…
Hey Tracy. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way. You might appreciate this article from The Gottman Institute about how porn impacts relationships. I would just say that I’d love to see you in a relationship that reflects your true value and worth as a human being, a place where you’re respected and cared for rather than used and abused. I hope you’ll be able to find that one day soon. Peace to you, Kay
I must say I have a husband who for many years has preferred porn over me. I am extremely attractive, very sexual and would do most of what you watch in the “porn videos”, at this point in my life I am questioning leaving the marriage, for too long I have felt alone, unwanted and it kinda makes me feel there is something wrong with me. “Even though deep down I know it isn’t”. I cry, beg and have done EVERYTHING you could imagine to change it. At this point I just give up. I need help I’m lost and don’t know what to do anymore. :”(
Hey Erica. Well, I’d say at this point, you’ve struggled along trying to change things you can’t change. I would suggest that instead of expending your energy trying to be enough for your husband, trying to change him, that you get some help and support just for YOU at this point. And then see where that takes you. You’ve already learned that no matter what you do or how much you do it, you can’t be responsible for someone else’s choices. You can, however, be responsible for YOU. Here are some places you can look for support. Personal counseling is a great place to start. Groups are also helpful: Celebrate Recovery, Pure Desire, S Anon, Al Anon, xxxChurch. If you haven’t read our post on boundaries, that might help. Also, our free download Hope After Porn might give you some ideas as well. Blessings Kay
Helen, are you telling me watching pornography makes you worthless as a man? If that’s the case that’s completely ludicrous.
Karen, It doesn’t make him worthless, for all humans have immeasurable worth, but it can certainly destroy trust to the point where in the eyes of a wife, he seems like less of a man. When a husband chooses pornography over his wife, he is forsaking his marriage vows. No part of watching porn as a husband is “To love and to cherish her,” “forsaking all others.” It is a crushing blow.
Chris
Erica i feel exactly like you. I cry because i feel sooo ugly. He has made me feel this way with his internet addictions! I feel like a reject, defective, broken. Im wasting time in my life i know i can never get back but my stupid heart loves him. I guess eventually my heart will tire. My husband masturbates when im working or cooking for him. Well whenever im outta sight he does it! Selfish…. What an awesome life they live right… Us women take care of them emotionally, physically, clean, kids, and they go satisfy themselves selfishly because the chic in the thong and shelf bra online makes no demands on him or expects anything from him! WOW! They forget that the woman in their house has needs too! They block us, forget us, we are no longer wanted! This has to stop!!!
WOW,this is so BEWILDERING and MINDBOGGLING and INSANE to me that words can hardly describe just how I feel! How is it even remotely possible for a man to have an attractive very sexual wife right there waiting for and wanting him and he had rather get off by watching some image on a computer screen or whatever else he’s watching it on?!!! These guys are truly PATHETIC and don’t deserve to even have a wife if that’s the way they’re going to treat them! I’m a single male who’s waiting for marriage to be sexually involved with a woman. However,in the meantime,I’m staying away from ALL erotic images of women so that when I do find the woman God has for me she’ll be so DELICIOUSLY BEAUTIFUL to me that I won’t need or want any other thing,but her ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, Todd – thank you for your thoughts. I know it sounds “bewildering,” but the trappings and neurology of the brain create a toxic cycle that is extremely hard to break out of. There’s a literal neurological bonding that takes place between (especially) the male brain and whatever stimuli is causing the sexual arousal. There’s not a woman beautiful enough on earth to compete chemically with the constant dopamine injection that comes from click after click of porn. Hence the issue. There’s deep physiology at play. I commend you for steering clear. For all of my “abilities” and successes in life, I found myself completely powerless to porn. It was only through a commitment to Christ and community that I was able to break free. And, it’s now a constant decision to stay clear.
Peace, Chris
Covenant Eyes
I feel the same as you. Unwanted and undesirable. He says he has given me a beautiful house, son, life, etc. – That should be enough. I’m not to bring it up again. Porn has won at least for now. Other than that he is a good father, provider and friend. So I feel stuck. With 85 percent of men doing porn, what choice do I have? Grass isn’t greener.
Hi Chris,thank you so much for your reply! I understand the things you said and know them to be true. And I must confess that my steering clear of the erotic images I spoke of is a DAILY BATTLE!!! Our enemy(Satan) never sleeps and is forever casting temptations our way. We live in such a sex saturated society and now days you see it most anywhere and everywhere. Whenever I see a scantily clad female on tv or wherever the enemy ALWAYS starts talking to me. You know you don’t have to settle for just that. You can see a whole lot more on your computer. That’s when I have to cry out to God to let me escape the temptation and then PRAISE Him for it knowing that I’m going to be DELIVERED once again! No it isn’t easy to forego indulging in looking at the most BEAUTIFUL and FASCINATING thing the Lord God created this side of Heaven which is the female form,but I have to do it. Thank you again for your insight Chris!
Sincerely,
Todd
Todd,
You are my dream guy! Are you still single?
Tara
Finding a man who worships the woman he’s with and only “sees her” and “wants her” & is truly “obsessed” with her and only her, is an absurd unrealistic “dream” … that WILL never come true.
REAL women don’t appeal to men, at least not for long before they’re focused on “the next best thing”… which is either in a movie-porn-or simply the “new hot thing” at work. I am NOT religious, however if God made man…he def didn’t work out the kinks. And people say “eve was the bad one ” yea sure.
Bottom line-fake boobs flat stomachs … that wins. Women who adore their husbands and willing to bend over backwards (literally) don’t stand a chance .
-and yes I’m married … & facing reality
Hey there, you might be interested in the work of Dr. John Gottman, the world’s foremost expert on relationships. He has a lot to say about how porn harms relationships, and he has a lot to say about how relationships really can work and be successful in his excellent book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
It’s not unrealistic I cherish my wife like crazy, I constantly think of ways to seduce her and continually try be romantic and intimate, do I fight a porn addiction, yes everyday but I’m still highly in love. Do I go to an addiction recovery group, every week. But I don’t want other women, I want her and her only
My husband and I have been married for 23 years, plus we went together for four year before we married.
Three months ago I found out that my husband has been posting pictures of himself, both partially clothed in swimsuits, bike shorts, etc., as well as fully naked (showing his penis) on gay websites for over ten years. He also had secret email and yahoo accounts with explicit porn related names that I didn’t know about which he claims he has since deleted. I also found out that he registered on swinger websites. His profiles were very explicit regarding what he would do. In addition, at the start of this new life 10+ years ago, he stopped having relations with me. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me because I was going thru vaginal atrophy, and even though I remidied that, he kept using the excuse….”I don’t want to hurt you.”
Upon my confronting him about the gay websites and the swingers website, he said he just did it so that he would receive accolades about his body and private parts and that he never ever cheated on me. However, he did confess to going to at least three men’s residences. He said nothing sexually happened with these men….he just masturbated in front of one of them. I also found out in one of his emails that he asked one gentleman when he would be ready to ‘play again’ …….what am I missing here????
I have filed for divorce but am so confused regarding his actions. I asked him if he is bi…he said no! I am so distraught!!! He keeps saying nothing really happens…and he loves me beyond words and wants me to stop this divorce action. Help…please….I have no more love for him…..I am in my late 60s but I just want out…..but he is pleading with me to stop the divorce proceedings. How can I when he has deceived and betrayed me for 10+ years?
He has since gone to a counselor who says he is a sex addict so therefore my husband feels since he is getting help and has stopped all actions (he says he is cured and ‘sober’ of all sex addiction) that I should forgive him and stop the divorce proceedings.
Distraught!!
I am so, so sorry.
Honestly, I think you should trust yourself at this point. You know what you’ve seen, you know what your husband has chosen for over a decade. I’m sure you thought long and hard about your decision for divorce; I don’t know any woman of your age who would make that decision lightly!
Perhaps he is going to get treatment for himself, and that’s fine. However, in my experience, successful treatment takes many years, especially when there’s been the level of acting-out that you’re describing here. A quick “I’m over it” will NOT be the reality for him, whether he realizes it or not at this point.
Furthermore, it sounds like your husband is probably not adequately aware of his own motivations at this point. It’s very common for addicts to be unaware of the defense mechanisms they’ve employed for themselves, the mind games that have allowed them to continue in behaviors that they KNOW are outside of what’s expected in a marriage.
I suspect there may also be some level of gaslighting going on, where he attempts to reinterpret reality to you. I think this is perhaps where the confusion comes in: you know what’s really going on, but he isn’t able to face it, so he tries to get you to join in with his crazy thinking.
Don’t play that game. Know the truth. Let it set you free.
Whatever you’re feeling, I’m sure he’s feeling a great deal of shame. And it sounds to me like he may be wanting you to stay in the marriage to help him conceal his shame: from himself, from you, from the world at large. The truth is, he’s got to deal with that shame somehow, if he’s really going to be healed. You can’t protect him from the reality of what he’s done. Divorce may, in fact, be one of the kindest things you could do for him: step back, let him face this reality, and hope that his therapist can help him find a way through.
Again, I am so sorry for the pain you’re living through.
And I SO ADMIRE your courage to face the truth and to make choices for yourself that are congruent with your own values.
Peace to you, brave friend.
Kay
In my recovery group every week I here new guys join who have been “caught” and wives wanting a divorce, and realizing that their actions have caused serious pain but the reality is unless a person wants to change no amount of therapy will make them, It’s been my experience that I’m successful only when I want to be, but I worry when someone thinks that because they’ve gone a few weeks without that they are cured, I’ve had dry spouts for years only to find I gave into temptation and have to start over again
I have been married for 13 years. My husband was attracted to me when we were dating and I weighed 168. When we got married, he would find excuses why not to have sex. I then weighed 222. He seem to be less interested in me and sex and I would ask him are you attracted to me? He wouldn’t answer. He also gained weight,270 was his weight. I looked at his phone and noticed porn sites being viewed by him. He lied about it. Finally after showing him he has done porn since his first wife 25 years ago. She never caught him. I started finding incest porn books in his truck and on his phone. He lies saying he Utubes it to get to other sites. Years ago he admitted that guys are visual and my weight bothered him, although he is heavy also. I asked why do you look at porn. He said I don’t know because it’s a different girl every night. I caught him again looking at porn again. He does not seem interested in me sexualy and if we do have sex it’s oral only usually because he will not lose the erection that way but he does if we have sex. He always says he’s to tired to have sex but he says he watch’s porn and master bates before he sleeps. He says it’s his sleeping pill. I am losing interest in him sexually now after all the years of lying to me about porn and he takes the time for his different porn women every night but not with me. It’s always me initiating sex never him and I have to do all the work. I do not feel desired or beautiful. I feel ugly by the no attention in that department that my husband gives me. I’m not ugly but am 200 pounds. I have complements from other men that say if he screws up let me know, I’ll be on your doorstep. I truly do love him. He has a sneaky side that I don’t trust. He can look me in the eye and lie to me without blinking an eye. I’m growing weary of all of this and love him but realize I will never have his full heart truly. Our sex life is the only part we don’t click on. Not sure if he’s just lazy in bed or just not attracted to be so why bother, just make excuses and take care of it himself. Signed sad I’ll never get what I want out of this marriage. Love is doom. But I believe God loves me truly and he’s the only man in my life that has never let me down and his love is the only true love there will ever be and some day I will be home with him again. I do love the man he blessed me with but do not approve of his choices
I’m so sorry. I think you’ve got to consider your boundaries in a situation like this. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help. A counselor might be helpful, just for you, someone who can help you process your emotions and create healthy boundaries. A group might be a good support, and there are online resources at Bloom as well. Whatever he chooses, YOU choose to be healthy and whole. Peace to you, Kay
I don’t want to take away from anyone’s well meaning and well thought out responses. I am sure they are sincere. I don’t “turn” to porn. It is an escape for me. I could (but won’t) write the book on the reasons; Wedding Cake Disease, being treated like an ATM or a sperm donor, which ever is needed at the moment. I have a wonderful wife. She is more lovely today than when I met her and she is probably the most thoughtful person I know. She is a true child of God and lives her spirituality daily, with one exception; her marriage. But I can tell you that any sense of spontaneity or adventure stopped just months after the “I do’s”. In my mind, she was either lying, and she is not a liar, or she had a plan and I am but a piece of it. She seems ashamed of passion, and she does not have the ability to communicate about intimacy to me in any way, her most significant other. Before anyone starts, I help around the house, make a darned good living by any definition, have always “been there” emotionally, I support her in everything, stay fit, etc. I stay home and hold the fort when she goes on Mission Trips. I do that not because I have to, but because I want to. I don’t need thanks or her approval. For the Christians in the room, and I am one, she is not honoring God’s intention. She is dishonoring our marriage and vows.
What I do need is a life mate that treats me with respect. I have given up on being number one, but I would like to rank in the top ten. I need someone who will honor the decisions we have made together, not change her mind and fail to tell me (I don’t have a crystal ball). I am not a sex addict, but I am living in a sexual desert with no way to quench my thirst for her. I absolutely feel that if I were capable of “curling her toes” she would desire sex more often. I absolutely feel inadequate in every way. She does not seem to enjoy sex, she will not talk to me about it, and as of 3 years ago, will not talk about not talking about it. Counseling makes her want to vomit. I am left to my own devices to figure it out and handle it. I am absolutely alone, and I am angry. Enough is enough. I will never walk out on my family. Never. But I have to find a way to have some piece of mind. I am worthy of love and respect. I am a pretty good guy. Do I watch porn? Yes. More than I would like? Yes. I will deal with it the best way I can, alone, because that is what I do best. But the reason I do it, speaking only for myself, is because it make me feel there are at least some women out there who are not ashamed of their bodies or sex. Some actually enjoy it. Criticize all you want, after 35 years of living in the sexual Sahara, I have earned the right. Don’t judge until you have walked in the other person’s shoes.
Hey Mike,
I’m really sorry for the painful situation you’re in, and I want to suggest a couple of things that might be helpful to you. I just wonder if there are ways to reframe this situation that are less adversarial, and more team-focused. Since you’re planning to stay in the relationship, perhaps these ideas might be useful.
One is that often times, Christian women are raised with a deep sense of sexual shame. Purity culture has done incredible damage to women in this area. Your wife may be part of a system that’s taught her to respond to sex in this way: “ashamed of passion, and does not have the ability to communicate about intimacy to me in any way.”
Secondly, “counseling makes her want to vomit”–that’s a very extreme response, and as a counselor, it makes me wonder why she is so upset by the idea of therapy. I would wonder if she has some trauma in her past that’s contributing to the problems you’re seeing.
I don’t know if those ideas are reality, what what you’ve written here triggered those thoughts in me and I thought they might be worth sharing.
I don’t think there’s any way to “make” her change, if she’s not willing to do so, but I’ll say to you what I say to the women who write in here: regardless of what your partner chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Understandably, you’re angry and hurt by the lack of intimacy in your marriage, and I would just encourage you to be as healthy as you can about that. If she won’t go to counseling, YOU can go to counseling and process your own emotions. You can consider what healthy boundaries look like for you. You can find support and help for yourself.
I think all too often, men are only allowed to be angry and act out sexually, and I just want to offer you the idea that there are other options, such as going to counseling yourself and working through your pain in the healthiest way possible.
Peace to you,
Kay
Married 50 years and my husband wouldn’t have sex with me, he told me I was boring when it came to sex. I had no imagination, so for him I was like being with a garden Nomes.
For the first 10 years or so he used his hand for satisfaction and I was left alone. For the next 40 years he’s had erectile dysfunction and a host of other problems. He was treated for his problems but refused his erection problem help. living like I did was sad but it was my own fault, I could have left him but didn’t. I was treated horribly and had a lot of female problems which lead to a hysterectomy. After that i never wanted sex.
My husband didn’t see a problem with his porn use until I told him how much it devastated me. He would turn me down brutally for sex and then I’d find porn tabs on the computer. I confronted him and allowed myself to be angry and speak candidly. When porn replaces intimacy in the relationship, it is a PROBLEM.
1) A wife has a need to be emotionally and physically stimulated to enjoy sex. People who use porn frequently fall into lazy habits because porn doesn’t require foreplay. It also doesn’t require the talent and skill of actually pleasing a partner. Therefore, it is inherently lazy and selfish to choose porn over building intimacy with your SO.
2) It damages your spouse. It is an active way of telling your spouse that you can’t be bothered to put forth effort into their happiness and well being. On any level, that is painful, whether it is overt or not.
3) This usually affects other areas of your life in some way. When you can’t be intimate with your spouse, it often means less communication, less friendship, less connection. It can manifest in different ways. I could always tell when my husband’s porn use had started again, because he would zone out during sex, wouldn’t be as easy to engage in conversation, and would be distant in his behavior. Like, he might be physically present, but he was mentally and emotionally elsewhere. That’s when I’d know it was time to start telling him, “Hey, not cutting it, buddy.”
I also noticed, as some others have mentioned on here, that it’s really common for guys to let themselves go, but demand physical perfection from their spouse. I truly believe that it is due to women being seen as “commodities” in today’s culture. Porn is a part of that.
I am a model, and I have a lot of fans. I don’t do nude stuff, but I still have men message me who have stated that they would *love* to be with me. When my husband kept turning me down or wouldn’t be able to perform during sex, I KNEW it wasn’t because I wasn’t hot enough or exciting enough. The guy commenting before who seems so defensive of his porn use sounds like he’s in a pretty miserable and selfish point in his life, probably not in a successful relationship.
Marriage takes work and effort to maintain intimacy. This fast paced, instant gratification culture we live in damages our relationships if we don’t act like responsible adults. This whole “married sex is boring” trope is a complete fallacy. If you re focus that selfish effort to watch porn into getting creative in the bedroom with your wife or husband, I guarantee things will get exponentially happier and more satisfying long term.
My husband chose me. It’s not an easy thing- I still have his passwords and get paranoid sometimes, but he chose me and we are a team on this. We would rather have a happy and fulfilling partnership for both of us than some half assed, selfish, lazy excuse of a marriage.
Aside from all this, and perhaps the most important part to me is, setting a good example for our kids. Children see the way you treat each other and think, “that’s how relationships are supposed to work.” If all they ever see is distance and estrangement, or fighting, they are likely to get trapped in those kinds of relationships themselves.
Love and support to all of you.
I understand the reasons why men like porn, variety, laziness, easy are all or part of the reasons. But what I dont understand is why they prefer it to real sex with someone they profess to love.
My husband started watching porn more seriously 30 years ago, I would see the collection of videos or dvds growing in his draw. It didn’t bother me too much.men will be men and all that stuff. We had a fantastic sex life, so what was the harm.
Then things began to change, he stopped wanting sex, and it became hurtful, for example.We would be at a party where amorous overtones between us would start, so we would say our goodbyes and head home to have sex. By the time we got home he would become cold and angry. One example was when we began getting intimate in the lounge, I was on his lap, he removed my shirt, and things began heating up, then he just stood up, which had me falling to the floor, and walked away saying “I don’t feel like it now”. I cant even tell you how this made me feel. If he had been drinking, by the time we got home he would be angry and I had no idea why.Sometimes if he had been away for weeks with work, and I would be missing him so much so I would try to initiate sex, he would say he didn’t feel like it and was going to bed, only to pop back in the room later and say, a hand job would be ok. He had no interest in pleasing me. Sometimes i’d do what he ask, in the dark, crying because I felt so unloved, unwanted and confused.
This went on for seven years. I became afraid of him when he had been drinking.he always hated himself the next day when I asked for an explanation, as he never remembered. Eventually he sent me an email trying to explain himself. he said he had read an article about the mans G spot being in his anus, and had begun watching porn with that theme. he hated himself for it as it began to become a obbsession, but he felt like a sicko and could not tell me about this fascination. So when we were getting hot and heavy he wold begin this internal conversation about wishing we could do certain things, but because he couldn’t tell me about it, because he felt ashamed, he got angry and transferred all that to me, so by the time we would get home, he was angry and decided to punish me by not having sex. The last sentence in his email was ” So if you do this, my bad behaviour will stop”. I felt blackmailed. and like he broke the specialness we had. We tried what he wanted and he HATED IT!!!
So now, I initiate the sex, or try to. I discovered last year that he was on porn sites up to 12 times a week. No wonder he always went to bed earlier than me. he never wanted sex so I dont get it. When I confronted him about this he was devastated and crying that he had done this… I think because he got caught. We sorted through this. But still our sex life has just about vanished. he will not initiate it, and normally knocks me back when I do.
We went on a holiday in July and it was fabulous, we had lots of sex and I felt the bond between us coming back. But it didn’t last.
After we got home I started noticing he was going to bed early again, and I saw the tablet back on his bedside table.and again we were not having sex.
Now last week I find he is back on the porn, sometimes 3 times a day. and to make it worse he has been secretly buying Cialis at $200 a pack. So he is buying Cialis and Viagra so he can get himself off to porn, instead of having sex with his wife. he tells me all the time he loves me and I am beautiful. I look after myself and look great for my age.
So now I am thinking, why wold you be having Cialis and Viagra for porn, and the awful thought that maybe he is having sex with someone else outside the home. Why would you deal with the constant back ache that he is always complaining about, and from what I read the main side effect with Cialis just to have sex with a screen. I am hurt, upset and so confused and now left feeling sick and anxious, while he is having a fabulous time on his own. (I hope). So I do believe that porn is a very slippery slope and not a harmless bit of fun for men to indulge in.
Hey Jane,
Our culture teaches men to deny, repress and ignore their emotions (big boys don’t cry, be a man) and then teaches them that they will inevitably act out sexually (boys will be boys, locker room talk).
I think it’s good that your husband can recognize that he has inner shame around his sexuality and desires; however, he still believes that acting out sexually is the answer!
He really needs to go to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and explore the pain that drives his behaviors. Until he does that, he’s probably going to remain in this pattern.
As for what you can do? Get into therapy yourself to help process your emotions and build healthy boundaries for yourself (here, here, and here are some links on boundaries). The online resources at Bloom for Women will be helpful to you as well.
Peace to you,
Kay
Not all men are pickup artists, nor do they have much money left over after the bills get paid.
So what does a man in that situation do when his wife almost always turns him down when he attempts to initiate sex? He will turn to porn, because that is all he has left.
Having a real woman in his arms is what every man wants. but he tends to end up with a starfish complaining that he’s taking too long if he’s managed to achieve a rare success and talk her into sex. Far better to just find some porn and masturbate to that. It’s far more satisfying.
what a load of rubbish. I try and initiate sex all the time. and have done for years but he knocks me back every time because he is tired. he would rather turn on the porn and do himself instead.,,, and why?
becvause he cant be bothered. Why are women blamed when men are the ones being sneaky, selfish and lazy.
Hello I’ve been with my husband for 3 years now and when we started dating he was always very frisky and seemed like he was ready to go…we weren’t intimate together until after we got married but aren’t really intimate after that either and I know he’s using porn because I’ve caught him plenty of times and I don’t know what to do he doesn’t want to touch me and it’s really starting to upset me.
Hey there.
Of course you are upset. This is not what you signed up for! It sounds like your husband has some issues he needs to work through. Is he willing to work through them? That’s really the question.
Meanwhile, consider your boundaries: is this okay with you? Is it not okay with you? Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries that should help as you think this through.
You can’t make someone else live up to their commitments, unfortunately. You can decide, however, to make healthy choices for yourself, no matter what others choose.
Peace,
Kay
From the early weeks of my marriage, sex became a problem. My husband didn’t expect me to express what I liked. It was all about his gratification When I tried to slow him down once by kissing his neck and playing the seductress, he became frustrated.
“Stop smacking!”
Wow! Is that any way to talk to the woman you married only weeks before?
I got out of bed and retreated to the den. He followed but didn’t get why I was upset. I tried to explain that women aren’t like microwaves; they’re like a conventional oven. They have to be preheated. I added that many women do not achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation, which he should hade known since this was a second marriage for both of us and he had other partners between marriages. When he asked me what I wanted; I said that oral sex would be nice. That, my friends, was a deal breaker! Turns out he hates oral sex unless he’s on the receiving end.
After that, the sex stopped. We’ve been married almost 28 years. I have seduced him and he says d he felt pressured. I honestly wondered if he was gay. Now, I find out he’s been using porn since the beginning. I don’t understand why a man would choose a magazine (that’s his porn or choice, or s he says) over a willing partner!
I enjoy sex but I don’t like knowing my husband has cheated me out of intimacy and a sex life! I don’t want to divorce him but I’m considering that option more and more.
Hey Martha,
I am so sorry for all these years of pain. It sounds like your husband has issues that he’s never dealt with, and probably sexual gratification without having to attend to the wants/needs of another person has become his best-fit sexual experience. It sounds like he’s not really interested in an actual relationship with a real person, and that’s definitely not what marriage is about! Here’s an article that you might find helpful when you consider divorce: A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
Peace to you in this hard situation,
Kay
My sex life with my wife was great until she couldn’t get pregnant. Sex turned into a process. “Honey! Right now! I’m ovulating!” After we failed at having children, she had a negative feeling towards sex. Had to use lube… faking orgasms… She never again initiated sex and rejected me 4 out of 5 time times. Then 9 out of 10 times. Then I just stopped asking and she never said a word. She still loves me mind and spirit but not physically. I asked her if we could go to therapy and she refused. I found porn to be a suitable replacement. She knows about it and is happy I, at least, have something. I also enjoy the variety aspect since I was almost a virgin when I met her and have always wondered what different women were like. That’s my story.
Seriously, your generalized views are disturbing. I came on here to try to help myself understand why he feels the need when I after 13 years am still very willing. Also at 36 years old I still have my physique and often get told I look 26 without makeup in sweat clothes and am hit on more than I care to talk about. Its sad that a man like you would try to justify selfishness and have no depth then be on a thread like this spouting ideals that are so archaic. Also just for the record I give my husband most of what he asks for. I make a conscious effort to be fun for him. He is rude and selfish but not all the time or I couldn’t stand him. I am sexual but I am a one man woman. I found a man and his sex is amazing to me. Why would I give that up for something different that likely won’t satisfy any other needs and doesn’t care about me as a person. Why do men think the grass is greener whenbi know what he likes and try to keep it spicy. Yet mine won’t let me initiate sex which blows my mind. He makes me feel dumb for wanting him. Offer oral but nope. Its not ok to be so selfish and stay. If you want something else go. So don’t get married if you can’t care about your partners desire and needs. Strip away the sex the lost and all human beings need comfort and care. You sir are a narcissist.
Can anyone offer real advice? Thank you
“It’s important to remember: you aren’t the source of the problem.”
Like most generalizations, this is most assuredly bull. In some cases, it is. In some other cases it isn’t. Oftentimes both are at fault to different extents.
My husband and I have been married for 41 years .
We have 2 children ages 40 and 39 and sex was always ok although I didn’t like a certain thing he liked .
The past 8 years I developed terrible pain like cut glass when he entered me so it was impossible for intercourse . He has developed bad breath beside cleaning his teeth which is a put off .
I found out he watches porn he suggested I get a vibrator so I had a look and said if I buy this will you help me with this , his answer was no it’s for you to enjoy in other words I am not interested in sex only porn sex .
Because I have regected him this is now how it is , we pick at each other and he is often moody and I think we could end up divorced.
I told he he preferred porn because the women are perfect and he sort of agreed . I think this is what happens men want kids once they are grown up and have lives of their own they are not that bothered , as their woman is not as good looking as what they can see and get off on on the porn sites .he said loads of people watch porn 99% people watch it , let’s say that it’s more men than women.