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Porn and Your Husband: Your Questions Answered (Part 3 of 3)

Last Updated: April 15, 2015

Luke Gilkerson
Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Episode 146

[powerpress]

Porn and Your Husband – FAQ from Women

Over the last two weeks we’ve been addressing some of the most frequently asked questions women have when it comes to their husbands using porn. Christian counselor Kay Bruner has been addressing each of these questions one by one. (Listen to part 1 and part 2.)

Learn more about this topic in our free book, Porn and Your Husband, available as a digital download.

Show Notes:

0:33 – What should a woman do when her husband is taking no steps to turn away from porn?

4:15 – When and how should a woman inform to her children about her husband’s porn use?

13:48 – How can a woman protect her children from her husband’s porn habit?

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  • Comments on: Porn and Your Husband: Your Questions Answered (Part 3 of 3)
    1. Jocelyn Sophia Ghazzawi on

      I greet you peacefully and remember GOD, so Glorious GOD Is!!!!

      Please Luke can you start a campaign of emailing and calling our elected officials asking them to move for making all production of pornography illegal? I have been emailing governors of states asking for that. Also, who is in charge of the internet?????? Is there a board that is in control and can prevent porn websites?????? Please email me and let me know. I want to contact that board and insist that porn goes off the internet. GOD Blessed us. Sincerely, Jocelyn Ghazzawi

      Reply
      • Sandy on

        Jocelyn, YES…YES…YES! I would love to get some of this info too, so I can jump on the band wagon & push for an internet ban on pornography. God Bless all who can help make this happen! Today’s mainstream pornography is ruining marriages, families, careers, and most importantly it is ruining men. It was only small groups of people who got smoking banned almost everywhere in this world. We can do the same by waging a war against pornography.

      • So on

        So let me get this straight, you want to ban porn just because you think it is wrong? Do you want to hunt witches to? Maybe burn some books? Let me clue you in on porn. It will never go away because people like sex. It is that simple. Also, it wouldn’t matter if you stopped porn. Everything in America is sold using sex in some way, shape, or form. Then, every entertainer uses it in some way, shape, or form. Let me guess. You want little house on the prairie again huh?

        Hate to tell you. You can ban it all you want. It won’t help things. Porn is just a symptom. It by far isn’t the problem I assure you. It is just a symptom.

      • Kay Bruner on

        I don’t think we’re talking about banning porn. We’re talking about women having the right to know what’s going on in their marriages, in their families, to make good choices based on that information, and to have healthy boundaries for themselves and their children.

        I am not interested in a life that’s sexually repressed. I’m interested in a life that’s sexually healthy, and I don’t think there’s anybody who really thinks that the gonzo-rape-porn world is healthy. That’s just a horrible mess, and it’s particularly traumatizing and harmful to children.

        I agree with you that porn is a symptom of many unhealthy things. Very often it’s a symptom of isolation, shame, and a highly disconnected and dissatisfying emotional life. Like all substances that are used under those circumstances, stopping the behavior is only the first part of recovery. Dealing with the underlying issues is really what needs to happen.

        I think the sexualization of American culture is a symptom of pervasive disconnection, isolation, and shame.

    2. Kit on

      Kay/ Luke:
      Thank you so much for such insightful information. I am disappointed that this site and the helpful resources it contains wasn’t available 15 years ago when I first began finding porn in my home. I knew there were problems in my marriage and the therapists I worked with at the time all dismissed my husband’s porn use and advised me to lose weight, dress sexier….you know the old advice. It wasn’t until my D-Day 3 years ago that I finally became aware of my the magnitude of my husband’s porn use. The damage this has done to me and our relationship and the pain it’s caused is indescribable. My husband is 3 years into recovery and I’m not sure I can hold out for another 2. I don’t wish this experience on any woman or family.
      Covenant Eyes website keeps getting better. Please keep offering help and advice to those of us who are often the afterthoughts in sex addiction.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I am so sorry that you got such blame from “therapists” regarding the problems in your marriage. It amazes me how we’re still blaming women for the choices of men. We say it over and over here: the only person you can be responsible for is yourself. For men, that means dealing with their addiction in healthy ways and for women, that means getting the support you need to process your emotions in healthy ways and to make good choices about your boundaries.

        I hope that your husband is doing well in recovery, and actually making progress? I would expect that after 3 years in recovery, your relationship should be improved, and you shouldn’t be feeling so worn out, like you’re hanging on by the skin of your teeth.

        Recovery is so much more than just not looking at porn. Recovery is your husband being able to engage with you emotionally, to have fun together, to enjoy being with one another. If that’s not happening after 3 years, then I wonder what’s going on. It sounds like you’re still feeling pretty discouraged, so that makes me wonder.

        I’ve written a couple of blogs about what that looks like. The idea of “turning toward” emotionally, and the idea of being on the same team have been really important ones to me. You can find those articles here. Let me know what you think! Blessings, Kay

    3. Val on

      Hello
      I’m an avid porn viewer. Im tired of it fed up with it but i just cant stop. its more habitual and its been like this for many many years. what advice can you give me.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Val,

        So sorry to hear about your problem. I can relate. Porn gripped my life for years and it was devastating.

        My first question is: what have you done to break free so far? What steps have you taken?

    4. Tiffany on

      Kay/Luke,
      I have been reading all of the articles, for weeks now, and I want to thank you for them. Kay, thank you for answering so many of my questions.
      And here is another one, lol…..
      My daughter is 20 years old and lives at home. She knew ‘something’ happened with my husband and I because I kicked him out for 3 weeks. Now he is home and in recovery. She is coming back from vacation today. The only thing he told her, 3 weeks ago, was that he “messed up” and “it isn’t your mothers fault”. He doesn’t think that she needs to know anymore than that…he wants to leave it at, “we have some problems”. I’m not certain that is good or even going to work at home. For instance, we have stopped watching a lot of the television programs and movies that we all watched together…so I’m going to have to tell her something about that.
      My husband looked up ‘celebrities nude’…so there are MANY actors that we won’t be watching on tv/movies.
      I think my husband is afraid for her to know…she is very opinionated, very against objectifying women.
      What do you think I should do?
      Thank you so much!

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think she needs to know the truth. I know that’s really hard, and I know it will be painful, but I think it’s the way to go. We had to make that tough decision in our family, and I’m forever grateful that my husband chose to tell the truth. I think in situations like this, we’re modeling for our children what to do in tough times, and I personally think that telling the truth and being honest is always, always the way to go in any situation. We are only as sick as our secrets, and if we have no secrets, we are well on the way to good health. I know that’s hard, but I think it’s healthy. Peace to you, Kay

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