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Porn and Your Husband: Your Questions Answered (Part 2 of 3)

Last Updated: July 29, 2015

Luke Gilkerson
Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Episode 145

[powerpress]

Porn and Your Husband – More of Your Questions Answered

With the re-release of our book, Porn and Your Husband: A Recovery Guide for Wives, we have received a lot of questions from women about how to deal with porn addiction in marriage.

This week we continue our conversation with Christian counselor Kay Bruner. She answers more of the most frequently asked questions we get from women. (Listen to last week’s podcast first if you haven’t yet.)

Show Notes:

0:44 – How do I talk to my husband about how I feel without it becoming a cause of conflict or a catalyst (excuse) for him retreating into porn again?

6:48 – Explain what “co-dependency” is. Am I a “co-addict” if my husband is addicted to porn?

12:25 – Should I be physically intimate with with my husband when he is recovering from porn addiction?

20:38 – What are some of the warning signs a husband isn’t taking recovery seriously?

Listen to the third and final part of our interview with Kay Bruner.

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  • Comments on: Porn and Your Husband: Your Questions Answered (Part 2 of 3)
    1. tom on

      My. wife kicked me out as a result of porn and not being the loving caring husband she wants. She said minimum 2 months. It’s been 1 month and I have been doing well but she has backed way off the timetable and refuses to gIve me even a tentative timeframe. I said “so it could be months or even years? She wouldn’t answer. Do you recommend a timeframe? I feel like I need that.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think the time table is up to her. I’ve had clients in counseling who chose to separate from their husbands for a year or more. When there’s been a long history of trust being broken repeatedly, it can take a while to rebuild the emotional strength to trust again.

        My advice to you would be to not worry about a specific timeframe.

        Instead, concentrate on your recovery, and work toward being a trustworthy partner for your wife, when she is ready to go there again.

        Recovery is so much more than not looking at porn for specific length of time. Recovery is about building a new, healthy life for each of you individually, so that you can potentially have a new, healthy life together.

        Make sure you’re doing all you can on a behavioral level: internet filtering, accountability, sexual addiction recovery groups, individual therapy, honesty with friends and family about what’s going on.

        Beyond that, work on the deep, personal parts of your recovery as well: the shame, anger, anxiety, and/or sadness that feed the need for porn. You might appreciate reading Surfing for God as part of that process. I’d highly recommend counseling for yourself at this stage.

        And when it comes to your marriage, be willing to listen to your wife, to understand how she feels and what she needs, without pushing your own agenda. Work on being the loving caring husband you promised you’d be.

        The good news is, your marriage can heal. But you’ve got a lot of work to do, a lot of responsibility to take, and a lot of changes to make before that’s a possibility. And the reality is that it’s always the person who’s been wronged who gets to decide if the relationship is something she wants to continue to invest in. That’s a real consequence of choices you’ve made in the past. All you can do now is be as honorable and responsible as you can be, and see what she chooses.

      • WB on

        Tom,

        I have been where you’re at and Kay is right.

        My wife and I were seperated for 8 months after discovery. During that time, I was blessed with having a great Counselor that advised me to give my wife the space and time to make her own decisions.

        I also utilized this time to finally be able to work on myself. I continued my counseling (we had already been in counseling thankfully our counselor saw us seprate and together), read a lot of helpful books, worked my SA program, utilized resources my Church had, attended a great Christian/Spiritual workshop and immersed myself into the recovery process.

        I heard God tell me that this was an opportunity to confront this addiction that had plagued me for a long time. I got right Spiritually, physically , mentally and emotionally.

        I am humbly coming up on two years of sexual sobriety and I am thankful on so many levels. I have a marriage and a life that I never new I could have. New wonderful friends with which I can share ANYTHING. A beautiful wife that supports my recovery and who let’s me support hers.
        I have a relationship with my Abba that is sweet, fun and loving. Life isn’t perfect but it’s pretty dang good.

        I know you may not see it yet, but if you choose to work on giving up your porn usage and work on a deeper level you will see how your porn usage is/was a betrayal of your marriage. How that for your wife it was hurtful and deceitful. Your empathy level for your wife and others will grow. Give her space and time and let it be her decision on what the next step will be.

        Take advantage of the opportunity that is being given to you. Do some deep hard work and God will change your life. He will mold you into the man you we ‘re meant to be.

        WB

    2. candace on

      I’ll try and remain calm. U said u need that.(a timeframe) Your porn addiction has been all about what u need & want. Very selfish & self centered. Your wife has probably suffered in pure agony and silence. Praying, crying, begging you, begging God, wringing her hands & crying more than she has in years. You said 1 month, how long have you had a sin & pride issue of adultry through porn? I pray for both of you. Time doesn’t heal wounds, God does.

      Reply
      • Come on Candace Get Real on

        Men do not escape to porn for no reasons. So often in a man’s life, they give up everything once they are married. Everything is about catering to a woman’s needs and wants. Everything gets done on a woman’s time table. Then if you are miserable and divorce that woman, she gets half your possessions you worked your whole life for and the children. There is a litany of things women do that are so unbelievably self-centered.

        I get so tired of the pity party that women constantly throw for themselves. Trust me when I say this. If a man is with a woman who is sweet, fun, and in decent shape — in 99% of the cases he isn’t going to run to porn on a daily basis. Yes, he may look at it from time to time, but the reality is that men are visual and like looking at pretty women. Know what drives me away? Demanding, controlling, prudish, out of shape women. Women hate to hear this but it is the truth. Then here is the really brutal truth — many women bypassed great guys while growing up. They treated them like crap and dated guys who were losers. So don’t complain if that loser lets you down when you are married. You chose him.

        I get so tired of the female pity party in America. It never ends.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Having spoken to hundreds of men in porn recovery groups, I usually see the opposite. The majority of these men say their wives were in no way the cause of the problem, that their wives were not controlling, prudish, or unattractive. They usually say the opposite.

    3. Faithful on

      This is just another man not taking responsibility of his choice. It’s the Adam syndrome, she made me eat the apple…..wife lead me to porn, it’s her fault. Lying to oneself doesn’t make the lie true.

      Reply
    4. Nay on

      There are many men who marry overweight/out of shape women. I don’t believe that all of these men find their wives unattractive. What about men who date heavy women. All men are not the same. Looks and beauty fade, mature people know that. No one stays attractive forever. If that is the only reason to marry we should all just stay single.

      Reply

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