I’ve heard it said that there are men who don’t look at porn, and then there are men who are breathing. If recent surveys are any indication, porn use has become the norm among men, not the exception.
Still, I get a lot of questions from women who are feeling the heartbreaking impact of porn on their marriages. To them porn feels like cheating, and for good reason.
It is.
I understand why many don’t think this is true (reasons I’ll address below), but first it is important that I define some terms.
By “using porn” I don’t mean merely seeing it. It’s hard not to walk about in public places or go online without seeing something that is at least meant to titillate the eyes of men. When I say “using” I mean intentionally taking porn in through one’s senses with the intention of being turned on and then, most likely, masturbating or at least getting sexually aroused.
By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”
The Slippery Porn Slope
Take some steps with me down a morally slippery slope.
Step 1: Let’s say I were to visit a prostitute and have sex with her. That would be cheating on my wife. I assume no one would debate me on this point.
Step 2: However, let’s say that when I met with the prostitute we didn’t actually touch each other: I just watched her have sex with someone else while I masturbated in the same room. (Weird, I know. But just go with it.) Would that be cheating? Both in this case and in the previous case I am seeking the services of a prostituted woman for sexual pleasure—seeking out and enjoying the body of a woman who is not my wife in order to be sexually gratified.
Could a man rightly say, “Yes, I pleasured myself in front of a hooker, but we didn’t touch each other. I stayed faithful to you”? I don’t think so. The pretense of no physical contact doesn’t matter because the action still violates the spirit of the sexual exclusivity.
Step 3: However, let’s say I didn’t visit the prostitute in person but only interacted with her online through erotic video chat. Let’s say I masturbated during the chat session while using the video image as the source of my fantasy. Is this cheating? Has the lack of physical proximity suddenly changed the situation that it is no longer breaking my marriage vow? I don’t think so.
Step 4: Now let’s say that instead of engaging in the video chat live, the prostitute recorded herself for me so I could masturbate at my convenience. Is this still cheating? Am I now suddenly remaining faithful to my marriage vows because someone hit the record button? No. That’s just stupid.
Step 5: Now let’s say the prostitute has a business card with a fancy title on it: “Pornographic Actress.” She even has a website with a resume listing of all the films she’s been in. Her pimp—I mean, agent—pays taxes and everything. Totally legit. Let’s say I reach out to this prostitute and pay her to view her recorded videos which she gladly sells me. Is this cheating? Does the change in title and the veneer of professionalism change the nature of the act? No.
Step 6: Now let’s say that this entire enterprise is industrialized so that this woman is part of a large network of other prostitutes who are doing the same thing. Much like walking into a brothel, I can pick the woman I want when I want, pay my fee, and enjoy her body for my lustful purposes. Is this cheating? What about the industrialized nature of the product changes the nature of the act? Nothing.
And on this last step we have arrived at what the modern porn industry is. This is why using pornography is cheating. It is engagement with a digital prostitute despite one’s vow to forsake all others.
Hold On, I’m Not Convinced.
I can hear the screeching of mental breaks right about now. Many are thinking, “Wait a second. Something major has shifted between the first scenario and the last. No one sees porn as digital prostitution. If this was the way our culture understood porn, it might be one thing. But very few people who watch porn go online thinking, ‘I can’t wait to get sexual gratification from a digital prostitute.'”
This is a good objection. After all, motive and intention count for something when it comes to the promises or vows we make. If I sign a contract saying I will not share proprietary information from my employer, but then forward a work e-mail along to a friend, not knowing it counts as “proprietary,” I’m not guilty of intentionally breaking my promise (even if my employer has grounds to fire me). Someone who uses porn might think along the same lines: “I’m just watching video clips made by actors and actresses, not intentionally seeking digital interactions with a prostitute.”
I agree, but motives only carry some of the weight when it comes to our moral decisions. The above slippery slope is not as much about motives as it is about the nature of the actions. Behind the making of pornography are real people really selling themselves for the sexual gratification of viewers. The medium doesn’t change the fact that a prostituted woman was used for her body and sex appeal, no matter the viewer’s understanding of the act.
This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.
Why Cheating Matters (and Why It Doesn’t)
However, by saying that using porn is breaking a marriage vow, I am not prescribing a specific reaction we should have to it. The six-step slippery slope presents six different scenarios, each having their own gravity of offense. They may all be cheating, but they all show different levels of intensity.
We need to turn the tables on those who ask, “Is using porn cheating?” and address why it matters.
- For some, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they bring a lot of baggage with the question. They think, “Since porn is cheating, I can never forgive you.” “Since porn is cheating, I have grounds to divorce you—and I will.” “Since porn is cheating, I will lash out and cheat on you.” These dispositions are, quite frankly, completely separate issues to address. To say a man has broken his marriage vow by seeking out porn is one thing. To say that he cannot be forgiven, that he should be divorced, or that he deserves revenge are other matters altogether.
- For others, when they ask, “Is using porn cheating?” they simply want their spouse to know that when they said, “I do,” they expected a spirit of monogamy. Yes, the world is full of sexual temptations. Yes, they know their spouse is full of hormones and attracted to other people walking about in the world. But they expected to be the focus of their spouse’s sexual energy, attention, and devotion. When they vowed to “forsake all others,” that is what they promised and what they expected in return.
The Heart of the Matter
Two facts lie at the heart of the issue.
First, people often desire the perks of marriage, but marriage vows are not taken seriously. As such, we find ourselves straddling two worlds. In one world, we embrace an idyllic picture of finding “the one,” growing old together, loving and serving another person until death we do part. In the other world, we enjoy the convenience and self-centeredness of solo-sex in front of the computer screen. These two worlds mix like oil and water in our miry hearts. Before long, you will either have to abandon pornography or abandon a genuine spirit of monogamy.
Second, people have been blinded by the sense of distance the digital world places between ourselves and the real world. We believe something doesn’t count as much if it is “online” or “on television” or “just fantasy.” We rename offenses: stealing becomes downloading, cruelty becomes speaking one’s mind, and exploitation becomes entertainment. We have settled for what Chris Hedges calls an empire of illusion. “Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation,” Hedges writes. “It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”
So, He’s Cheating. Now What?
If your husband (or wife) is engrossed in porn, you are right to feel like this is cheating. He is defrauding you of something that should be your exclusive domain. You are not a prude for thinking this. You just take your vows seriously, as everyone should.
But where do you go from here? Start by getting educated about the addictive nature of pornography and the steps other couples have taken to take a new direction. Read, “6 Common Questions Asked By Wives of Porn Addicts.”
I agree with the fundamental concept you address: viewing pornography violates the sanctity of marriage. It moves away from intimacy versus moving towards it, every time.
There is a recurring motif on this website of employing theatrics. In a round-about way, you admitted this in a separate comment for an article on this website that covered this idea from the adultery angle. Articles with spooky Halloween font on the photos, titles and premises saying porn is cheating, porn is adultery, or comments saying digital prostitution, he is defrauding you, etc. – all of these may feel true to many, especially the spouses harmed. But I think you’re doing a disservice to those seeking help and betraying the spirit of help you aim to offer by using these theatrical and dogmatic techniques designed to illicit strong (and negative) emotional responses.
Fear, outrage – these are the easiest emotional responses to illicit in an audience. Topics of fear are children (i.e. “Protect your children”). Then there is the topic of sex. Mix together and you have your 10 o’clock news.
Pornography addiction is an epidemic and software services such as yours are helpful for many. It’s disheartening to see the accompanying articles with surface-level language that moves towards fear and outrage, instead of moving away from it. Don’t be another news channel. You can validate, empathize, and support emotions and thoughts of husbands and wives struggling with this without using haughty rhetoric. Become the center of neutral, objective, evidence-based solution for the millions in search of answers and support. You can do this. We need it.
Thanks.
Thanks for the word of encouragement. I don’t disagree with you. I will say, however, that each article has its own intended audience. This article, for instance, is geared more to the gentleman who has turned a deaf ear to his spouse, the man who will go on viewing pornography under the pretense that he’s actually doing his partner a service by not cheating on her and is trapped in a cycle of auto-erotic pleasure. (Unfortunately, I read comments from their wives every day, and it is heartbreaking.) Such men need to see things in a new light, and I don’t mind telling these men they are flat-out wrong—even if it means invoking strong emotional language.
Other articles that have much more encouraging and positive language are meant to lift the reader out of a state of self-condemnation and toxic shame.
In short, not every article is intended for every audience.
As you said, I would be doing a disservice if I meant this article for those who are truly struggling and seeking help. But that is simply not the intended audience here. Perhaps I need to do a better job of making that crystal clear.
you’re wrong….and here’s why. like eve did in the garden, you’re adding to God’s word. God did not tell adam that he couldn’t look at, touch, or smell the fruit of the tree. he said that he couldn’t EAT it. what you’re saying is effectively, that looking at, smelling, or touching is in the same SPIRIT of God’s command as the letter. and sometimes, the LETTER is actually what it MEANS. what if a woman kissed another man? what if she only had lunch with another man? what if she only fell in love with another man? is that cheating? unfortunately, NO, although if my wife did those things i would be jealous and demand she repent or i’d wish i could divorce her. the PROBLEM is people like you are never satisfied with what the bible ACTUALLY says… you feel the need to add-to or take-away in the name of being in the same spirit. is pornography sin? YES…. but does it break the marriage covenant? NO. the bible draws a very clear line, because people like you don’t want to walk in the spirit, you need to not only use God’s word as a club, but add additional rules to follow as well. and that LINE is sexual immorality. you cannot commit sexual immorality if you do not have SEX. that involves two people and their genitals in some way-shape-or form. pornography is in the same category as what bible calls an uncleanness. like smoking or drugs that pollute the body. it also has the added effect of hurting a woman’s fleshly ego and pride. but most christian couples engage in sex prior to marriage. (fornication) so it cannot be that the wife legitimately is concerned for purity. in fact, she probably wishes her husband would do some of those things he’s watching to HER…or that she could do some of those things with another man. DEUT 23:10 says “If there is any man among you who becomes unclean by some occurrence in the night, then he shall go outside the camp; he shall not come inside the camp. 11 But it shall be, when evening comes, that he shall wash with water; and when the sun sets, he may come into the camp. ” it’s referring to masturbation and ejaculation outside of sex. it is a sin of uncleanness…. but it does not break the marriage covenant. you can’t be ‘of the Spirit’ when you don’t even agree with God’s word.
James, you might want to read this blog post about how Luke’s opinion changed regarding porn as grounds for divorce. I also want to point out that Jesus himself calls the simple act of lust adultery (Matthew 5:28); while we would not advocate divorce on the grounds of walking past another person on the street and thinking a lustful thought, what is pornography if not digital prostitution? What is masturbation to porn if not two people (or, realistically, two performers and an observer) performing sexual acts with their genitals?
If my boyfriend watched porn about cheating will he cheat on me why does he watch this type
Well, Ana, porn use is one of those things that often escalates over time. It often includes things that seem “risky” which helps it be more exciting. But yes, it’s also true that men who watch a lot of porn are more likely to cheat. I’d say you need to think about your boundaries and what you want in the relationship, then talk with him about it and see if you’re on the same page. Blessings, Kay
Nero
So then by this any wife that reads 50 shades of grey and other such porn books are also cheating correct
Lisa,
In Matthew 5:27–28, Jesus did not say that “lust” is the same thing as adultery. That is a misunderstanding of the text based on the English translation lacking nuance. In Greek, it says, “βλέπων γυναῖκα πρὸς τὸ ἐπιθυμῆσαι αὐτὴν,” or “looking upon a woman in order to lust after her.” It is important to note here that “ἐπιθυμῆσαι” is the same word translated as “to covet” elsewhere (including the Ten Commandments).
Thus, Jesus was not saying that thoughts equated to actual adultery. He was rather saying that “looking upon a woman in order to COVET her” was the same thing as actually committing the act. Once you have determined to acquire the forbidden object of your desire, you have already sinned. That is a key distinction that is missed in the English translations of the Bible where nuance was lost from the Greek.
If we apply that to pornography, one is certainly having lustful thoughts. But is the man coveting the woman in the pornography? Has he committed himself to actively seeking her out to act upon his lustful thoughts? If he does not actually intend to commit the sin and never does so, nothing in Matthew 5:27-28 says he’s guilty anyway.
Let’s consider Deuteronomy 23:10, which tells us that a man who suffers a “nocturnal emission” (קרי לילה) shall leave the camp for the day, wash himself, and only return in the evening. Now, some may want to say this is not the same thing as pornography, but we have no reason to assume that conscious sexual thoughts are worse than our subconscious manifesting our desires while we sleep. In Deuteronomy, we do not find the hypothetical man being condemned for having committed adultery, but he has rather made himself unclean and must wash himself. If the thoughts or desires themselves are the same as acting out sins, would our deepest desires not count as well?
Hi John – it seems dangerous to nuance Scripture in this way. Because of what pornography does to neurologically bond the user to what is being watched, there’s no need to get on the phone and ask her to come over. There’s no need to actually acquire the woman – the user has access 24/7 and many times, fantasizes about multiple “hers” while with his spouse (assuming it’s the husband). At what point does one cross from lust to coveting? I guess I’m not exactly sure. But, I’m curious why you would try to point out a distinction? Thanks, Chris
What if you see it but don’t get off it, meaning masturbate, is that still consider cheating???? I see it through social media, or basically surfing the net…they show sex scence in movie/tv shows, does that mean you cheating???
Every Monday my partner watches porn every time I ask him why he does it he says he view it as art to get off on. How do I respond to something like that.
You might share with him this article from The Gottman Institute about the impact of porn on relationship intimacy.
You might give him your feedback on how his porn use is impacting you, and how that impacts the relationship.
Then I would say you need to consider your boundaries. Is this what you want in the relationship? Are you willing to live with that?
Peace to you, Kay
I was very curious as to what legal grounds would be considered as
an act of Adultery. Interestingly enough many states have different criterium as to what is considered an adultery act. The prevailing and most agreed upon stipulation among states is a singular sexual act with another individual who isn’t your partner. At the same time I can’t find any holes in your suggestion that masturbation itself is adultery. Then again this article isn’t supported with any statistical or factual evidence; and is purely observational. That doesn’t discredit your merit in academics though; so we’re teetering on the insight of a professional vs. hard evidence. Then again I feel this is what ultimately makes your point contentious; having us agree with you at face value. Also considering the nature of this blog and your religious alignment has put a bias on you whether you think so or not..
Let’s not forget that women also view porn; not only that but according to the Dailymail 40% of females have admitted to making porn themselves and another statistic admitted the watching porn as a couple has actually improved their sex life by 96%. Strangely enough porn which is viewed by both nunerous men and women have created an egalitarianism view in regards to how each sex views each other. For example a study led by Taylor Kohut, of Western University, conducted a General Social Survey, of US population, between 1975 and 2011. The survey itself asked participants to indentify whether or not they had watched any sort of pornographic type matierals within the last year. To follow it up, it also included questions in regards to attitudes towards the opposite sex not just within the porn industry. After the survey had been completed with a total of 28,000 particpants it revealed its findings in the ‘Journal of Sex Research,’ by stating , “23% of Americans told researchers that they had viewed pornography in the last year. Both male and female pornography viewers had better attitudes towards women working outside the home, and were more supportive of abortion rights, in comparison with those who had not watched pornography,” the article itself even ends how the danger of pornography are wildly exaggerated.
As mentioned before the prevailing legal grounds of adultery is having a singular sexual act with another individual whose not your partner. My biggest problem with your argument is emotions. Marriage itself is a deep emotional connection, right? Do you absolutely need an emotional connection to masturbate? Isn’t the act itself just self-gratification? I mean those whom have a physical affair with another needs to have some sort of motivation or some sort of an emotional appeal to some one other than their marriage partner correct? I’m not dismissing your very hypothetical situations of someone going to a hooker to jerk off and porn addicts but sadly those are few and far in between. Compared to those who just want a quick wank because their spouse doesn’t ‘feel like it’ or is’tired’. If anything I’d view porn as an aid to marriage. Why? Because your not fantasizing about your co-worker, spouse’s friend, the girl you saw bend over at the gym, or even your 11th grade bio teacher from years ago. In reality what is deemed cheating in a marriage is purely subjective. It’s purely based on individual morality. What one person may say is unjust the other will see it as irrelevant. Which is probably why many states specific criterium other than sex for adultery is different and can’t be agreed upon…
Here’s an article you might find interesting. The Gottman Institute, the premier source of relationship research in the world, came out against porn this year. However you parse it, TGI clearly sees that consistently turning to porn is harmful to relationships. These are the folks who can tell from having a 5-minute conversation with a couple, who’s going to get divorced and who’s going to stay together. So if you’re interested in a healthy relationship, it’s worth taking their view into account.
My man says it’s not cheating because he can never have with those women
A person can admire the beauty of another human (whether in person, on the street, at a fashion show, in a fitness comptetition, at the beach, in a bank,…, etc. or through art works of famous or unknown paintors or photographers) without it constituting cheating. Such admiration does not mean masturbation, or anything related. Otherwise the Sistine Chapel, many sculptures, and works in most museums of the world, art galleries, etc. would be destroyed by now. The beauty of modern photographic art is not different from the beauty of ancient sculptures; otherwise a married couple could not walk into a museum, art gallery, beach, etc. and be able to look in each others eyes.
Hello there I’m have a boyfriend nearly for 1 year and suddenly I’m discover my boyfriend watch porn and visit site with chats ! I’m very frustrated just wanna cry at same time ! Got a felling devastated I’m don’t know why if is the fact I’m love him soo much but the same time I’m felling I’m not good enough for him or if him don’t fancy me at that level …. my frustration is I’m think is just using me and when his sleep with me barely touch me or kiss me , just wanna do the same position (dog style)and his never see my face ! Don’t know what to do or what to say … I’m soo confused help me please
I’m so sorry. You really deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves you and treats you with respect! Maybe that’s not the kind of help you’re looking for? But just know that you deserve to be treated as the valuable and wonderful person you are. It sounds like your current boyfriend isn’t willing or able to do that, which sounds to me like a sign that it’s time for you to move on. I’m a therapist, and I’ll just tell you that every abused woman I’ve ever counseled will say that they’re confused, when they know that they’re being treated badly. It’s confusing when you’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be about love, and it really is about being used isntead. Sometimes it takes a while for us to understand the reality of what’s happening. But I think you know. And when you’re ready, you’ll be okay with moving on so you can enjoy relationships where you’re treated with respect and appreciation. Peace to you, Kay
Thank you so much for this important information. I have been trying to put what I have been going through in words and couldn’t but now thank Jesus here it it is thank you
I’m not for my partner watching porn and stuff and if I did it she wouldn’t like it I’m guessing but the thing is with the stripper, in porn u don’t know the people or pay (on some of them) or talk or like have any connection or msg them it’s just there idk this might sound stupid but I’m just saying
I agree completely. I know first hand how it feels to be clear cheated on by my husband using pornography.
Even to the point of purchasing videos an using our grocery money to do it and then lieing about it saying its something else. That he bought something for me.
Coping with the fact is hard. It even comes down to the point of is he thinking about these women when we are having sex. And everything time he is on his tablet wondering what he is really doing and if he is hiding something again.
Porn runins relationships. It breaks trust. An your spouces heart
This is to James: You are wrong. You seem to forget that the Bible says in Matthew 5:28 says “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
This is a one dimensional argument taken from the ‘cheated female’ perspective.
If communication had occurred in the relationship stating that a partner feels watching porn is cheating. Then obviously when the other partner secretly watches porn they are obviously cheating.
However you do not consider many factors.
Firstly in the modern age, from surveys, it is considered normal for men to watch porn as it is in the majority. About 25% of females watch porn.
So unless there is solid communication about this subject. The normal way of life that the man or women would continue.
Secondly, there are many couples that enjoy watching porn together and this certainly is not cheating.
I understand your argument, however having a title ‘yes porn is cheating’ is completely inaccurate
I have been told by my husband that watching porn is sometimes easier than going through the process of having sex. It is easier because all he has to worry about is pleasing himself. It makes me wonder if our marriage will last.
Yeah, it’s hard to imagine having a lasting relationship with someone whose primary concern is pleasing himself. How he chooses to manage his sexuality may be a reflection of how he chooses to manage the rest of his life, as well. What a wise observation on your part!
Porn is cheating. Doesn’t matter how they sum it up. There is so much delusion when it comes to porn.. These men have been brainwashed into thinking that since they arent touching these woman – its A OK.
God said to Forsake all others – YOU are not supposed seek sexual gratification from outside of your marriage, in the eyes of God. Its a SIN.
Sure men who watch porn may not be touching these woman, but lust is in their hearts, which is a SIN. It is no different then him actually having sex with one of these woman..
Body parts do not have to touch for it to be cheating. Porn is no different then having sex with someone who isn’t your spouse..
I needed to hear what this man said. It needed to be said. Frankly out not. I sent this article to my husband in hopes to help him. You can’t tell the help how to help. I think it was well written and most importantly full of living truth. Thank you 🙂
This article is not promoting fear and outrage. It actually describes exactly how I felt as a partner of a porn addicted spouse. They do a good job affirming how the spouse feels when they discover their partner is using pornography.
I felt like they get it! So many things today are normalized that are just wrong and the domino affect is getting worse, showing in our disrespectful kids, the ones we don’t kill, because planned parenthood says that fetus,(means little one) is just a mass of tissue! Or open marriage? That is no marriage at all as it goes, “Forsaking all others!” Why are people so critical when someone stands up for the truth??? I never felt comfortable masturbating or cheating while a practicing alcoholic but being sacramentally married, a believer, the Natural law of order matters so much to my life, heart and soul.
Porn is certainly included under the general category of sexual immorality. And unrepentant use of porn is certainly grounds for divorce and excommunication from the church.
That said, it is obvious that porn is not nearly as serious as actual cheating. Clearly a woman’s ego would be wounded – they have giant egos, they desire worship. But, a woman would also be relieved (though not pleased) to know that their husband only looks at normal porn and doesn’t have any relations with other women.
Much of the articles here sure seem like appeals to women, helping them express their outrage and pleasing them by talking about how bad porn is (but love of money and usurpation are not destructive to marriages at all?). No man is going to suddenly change his mind and begin to believe it is a sin from such articles. He’s either a Christian or he isn’t, viz, he knows he needs to stop and takes actions consistent with repentance or he does not. Women do make most of the purchasing decisions, so I’m sure it was a marketing choice.
But back to “saving marriage.” Let’s be honest there is also an epidemic of disrespectful wives that also don’t put out. In other words, they are not interested in meeting their husbands needs and indeed their constant disrespect undermines any interest in their husbands to chase them around the house for their once a month concession session. It seems to me there are some relevant verses here, I wonder if we’ll see anything about respect and not withholding sex. Probably not… no marketing value.
So by this general logic, a wife that reads 50 Shades of Gray would also be cheating. Or is it different since CovenantEyes cannot make money from being against 50 Shades of Gray?
My bf of 4 years says that watching porn vids etc is just his hobby/his thing , So I shouldn’t worry about it etc …but yet when I started dating him he told me he takes viagra because his diabetes made “it” stop working BUT YET EVERY single morning he wakes up he has an erection (we only have sex 1-2 a week so he don’t take the pill every day)…So could it really be that he’s addicted to porn? (I’ve told him porn addiction can cause impotence cause watching porn all the time can cause unrealistic expectations etc, but of course he denies he’s addicted …my router data can tell you ALOT different) also I’ve asked him to not watch porn on the days that we make love and he took that as “don’t watch porn VIDEOS” but he still stares at porn pictures , I asked him the other day how his porn watching was going on our love making days and he said straight out that he “hasn’t watched porn in a while” (the porn VIDEOS did stop on our days but he still looks at porn PICS, like ALOT of them..I don’t get how he don’t see the porn PICS as PORN also …whether it’s videos or pictures it’s still all porn n porn related …idk how to handle this or what to say to him to get him to see
It bothers me :( plz help) thanks
Just ask your partner if they’re fine with it. If not then you have the option of not marrying them. It’s not that complicated.
I have tried to get my bf to understand just how damaging these choices are to my self esteem and our relationship. I don’t have a prob/understand when we are apart, but everyday, when he’s “bored” then when we’re together he doesn’t have any drive left for me. Leaving me alone, waiting, and saddened knowing he chose THAT before coming home or seeing me. I will FOREVER feel like I’ll never sexually satisfy his needs. When we are intimate it’s disconnected. I explained how this makes me feel, how he’s constantly training himself to get off from THAT instead of from ME. He shrugged me off as silly and ridiculous. I wait for him.I can’t bear to even think of making myself feel that AMAZING feeling/moment given by looking at someone else! That’s so WRONG in my mind/heart. I guess that’s the problem. He loves me, deeply, I know he does but it’s killing me and I just don’t get it. I am gorgeous, he loves all of me I’m everything he says he wants, and yet…I’m not enough.
What if your not married but in a relationship and you found your boyfriend phone that had porn on it you saw it was at the end of the video is that considered cheating or he said that was dumb of me it really hurt me I dont know if I can trust him im scared and afraid if he will go on there again I asked him can you please not go on there again he said he won’t but im afraid amd scared that he is behind my back
Hi Tina!
First of all, I wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this! Please know that you are not alone. Many other relationships are going through the exact same trial as you right now.
I am a firm believer in trust and honesty as two of the primary components of a healthy and successful relationship. Personally, I do consider using (not just watching, but actually using it for lustful intent) porn within the bounds of marriage to be cheating, because that person is breaking a vow they made. In a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, there is still a level of commitment that I believe can also categorize using porn as cheating. However, every person has a varied opinion on this, and a counselor might even say differently.
I don’t think “is he cheating” is the question I should be asking you though. I would ask you “can you trust him?”, and if you feel like you cannot, even after talking to him, perhaps it is time to stand back and take a look at your relationship. I do not believe that one instance of using porn is reason to break up with someone, but I do believe that if you feel he is continuing to be dishonest and not trustworthy, you should consider the future of your relationship.
Before making any decision so big as this one, might I suggest you attend counseling together? Even though you aren’t married, couple counseling can be very beneficial to any problem you are working through, and it can even strengthen your bond. In regards to your own feelings of hurt and betrayal, I would encourage you to check out the resources at Bloom for Women.
You are strong, and you are loved! I am praying for you.
Blessings,
Moriah
Doing a disservice to those seeking seeking help? Theatrics? Wow! And yes, he is defrauding his wife, you can’t get around that. Take your guilty conscience elsewhere and let the ones being hurt by this finally get a voice and feel validated. You don’t get to have it both ways, period.
I completely agree with your comment. I want to share this article with my husband but fear that the haughty rhetoric will cause more harm than help.
I need a little support here!!I don’t know what to do!!I knew something was up with my husband!!So I set him up and yes I found out that he has been watching porn videos (live)master bathing and talking to these porn sites!!I’m crushed!!!He shares he will never do it again and it was a one time thing!!Lie Lie Lie!!It’s more then once!!Married 34years and sick to my stomach!!Please help
Hello! I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be so painful. We’ve written an ebook for wives called Porn and Your Husband, it lays out some helpful information for you, as well as practical steps that you can take to care for yourself. https://learn.covenanteyes.com/porn-and-your-husband/
God bless,
Keith
What if you’re single? Is it considered cheating then?
No. That’s a separate question.
In my opinion, it is still demoralizing, degrading, and sinful, but not because you are breaking a vow to a spouse.
I believe that it is still cheating. 1) If you’re using porn, you’re cheating on your future spouse. Marriage may not be in your future…but how can you know for sure? Your choices now will negatively affect any future relationships (it affects your relationship with family and friends, as well). It’s never too early to protect your marriage. I wish I had realized that years ago… 2) You’re committing adultery against your God. Pornography can easily become an idol in which you worship. Ezekiel 23:37 says, “With their idols they have committed adultery.”
While I agree with you on these points, I’m not sure that was the nature of the question. The Bible distinguishes between sexual sins that are adulterous in nature and those that aren’t, even applying different penalties in the Old Testament for different sins. I’m not saying using porn isn’t bad for your future marriage or that using porn isn’t a sin against God. I’m just saying I don’t think we need to stretch the word “cheating” to impress on others the sinfulness of the action. There are plenty of biblical categories we can use.
I know everything you say has Merritt, I thank you for that. My question was, is it a policy violation. Your first word is “YES” and I’ll except that as my answer Thank you so much.
God made us the way we are. If he didn’t want us touching it, he would have made our arms shorter. Lets not confuse what is sinful to God and what the church says is sinful. I don’t recall any commandments stating “Thow shalt not beat it like a circus monkey”
In fact, it is basically the morality of the church being written into various translations and interpretations of the Bible. I don’t recall the Bible mentioning God providing Adam and Eve with clothing. Apparently nudity was ok in Gods eyes.
God made our bodies the way they are. They work as he intended them to. You can’t blame a Devil for a mans body doing what it is supposed to do. Nor can you say it is sinful for a man to relieve himself.
Hi, Gary – using your logic, then everything that is possible is permissible, correct? In other words, if God didn’t make my body in a way that prohibits an action, then that action must be permissible. How do you define sin? Do you know many men who are able to “beat it like a circus monkey” while upholding their marriage vows? (not sure if you’re married – just using it as an illustration). Do I think we (“the church”) make a really big deal out of masturbation sometimes when there are issues in this world that are much more important? Yes, if I’m honest. But, our bodies work best with guidelines. I just can’t imagine standing in front of God, “beating it like a circus monkey,” with my mind full of sexual fantasy, and at the same time, bringing Him glory. Maybe it’s not in Scripture, but are you truly at your honorable, God-glorifying best while doing it? Probably not. Just be honest. You like doing it because it serves you. Not God.
Regards, Chris
You are void of any deep moral values about love & fidelity, and any man sexually getting off on a woman other than his spouse IS BREAKING THIER MARRIAGE VOWS.
If this is your opinion just please stay single or only mingle with women who don’t mind infidelity…but remember,
You don’t get to ask for fidelity from her in the bedroom.
I happen to flat out disagree with the original argument. There’s a big difference between personal and impersonal. In the original argument, he keeps trying to relate being with a real person. And, yes, being with someone real someone you know someone you could actually have contact with someone that you actually lust after in such regard can be regarded as Lustful. And I agree with the Greek version of what Matthew says that it depends on your actual intention to follow through with being with someone. Versus actually imagining being with someone or looking at a picture of someone. I mean can it be regarded as cheating by looking at Ariel from Little Mermaid If you have a lust full imagining about that? What about anime? What is that is that cheating in the same regard as the original argument would imply? No the reason is they aren’t real they don’t exist there not actual people or anyone who you actually have the potential to actually lust after with the intention of being with a real person. Even if they are actual actors they may as well be anime people because you’re never going to meet them and they may as well even be dead. Much less ever actually physically engaging your genitals with some other person, or online fantasy actress. The original argument crosses the line by presupposing that all aspects of porn are personal. As if you actually know that person can chat with that person can text that person can call that person on the phone can send that person emails can have some kind of actual real contact with that person. that’s all BS most of the time you’re never gonna actually find those people look for those people hope to meet those people have actual lust in your heart for that person with respect to calling them reaching them emailing them texting them and actually knowing them as a person.
In the original argument, he states that pornography is getting off at the expense of somebody else, I say BS! Again, the insolence of his argument is presupposing that all of porn is personal. Untrue period!
. If you really wanna get at it. The essence of cheating largely has to do with emotional transferences. Not just a physical act of two genitals interacting. In most porn neither of those two things are happening there is no emotional transference, hello, and there is no actual physical gentles interacting! This is all just jealous female talk trying to extend the borders and the boundaries of what constitutes cheating. Usually so they can enable themselves and feel justified to do something in retaliation. Most the time men wind up looking at porn simply because they have a larger appetite or their wife is tired that night or doesn’t have the same drive, or still has too much fuel in the tank. But no one ever consider that anything but a burden right. No, one ever considers a that a man has to relieve himself or else frustration builds. I’m sure if women would do the things that men needed they wouldn’t be looking at porn at all. In fact, there’s another way to look at it, you could look at porn is something that heals a man and makes them healthy and keeps them in high spirits and heals there stressed out minds and spirits. In fact you could look at porn actresses like healers vs whores! There’s all kinds of ways, you can look at this both good and bad. So obviously there’s a lot of subjectivity to go around no matter how you look at this issue. but trying to call porn cheating is flat out BS!
I think it’s important to address the definition of shame in light of the intended audience of this article and your motivation for using “strong emotional language”. I’d also like to extend a call to action for you and other contributors on this website to recognize that “scared straight”, “tough love”, and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy achieving their intended goal for the audience, and, as a matter of urgency, contemporary approaches that address the problem and solution with less emotional charge (i.e. shame) should be adopted because they possess greater potential for resonance. As a point of clarification, I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes. I’m also not suggesting that emotional, marital, and physical boundaries be dismissed or dishonored.
Most succinctly, I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self. It embodies the more sensitive and often excruciating camp of negative emotions that range from embarrassment to humiliation. Internally it’s recognized in the form of anxiety about/to negative judgment about self from others. Anxiousness about unwanted exposure and judgment can evoke a profound sense of unworthiness and inferiority that is registered as a direct threat. American social and cultural understanding of shame has obfuscated its true meaning and confused it with emotions such as guilt and fear. Anxiety-based expressions such as fear of public speaking, and fear of failure, are American phrases that confuse shame with fear. Your own article, Guilt vs. Shame, speaks to the confusion between guilt and shame.
Within the context of pornography epidemic, understanding shame is vital. I object to the notion that the “popular” (American) definition of shame is merely a selfish attempt to exonerate the individual from their actions that produce it (i.e. stopping “the relationship to sin”). If anything is “popular” when it comes to shame, it’s denying the self, and by extension others, of its existence because the alternative is so painful. This distinction is perhaps subtle, as both of these viewpoints address the same phenomena. However, understanding the difference is paramount. Denial manifestations can take many forms, running the gamut from amnestic episodic memory to a litany of absurd rationalizations. These rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it, as your Guilt vs. Shame article implies, but the very essence of that rationalization is born from the well of excruciating shame and subsequent denial.
There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame. On deep spiritual and social levels, we intuitively understand all participants (viewers included) experience a spiritual and social death. The industry embodies secrecy, exploitation, objectification, abuse, trauma, and severe distortions of reality. Like anyone claiming they really enjoyed their first cigarette, the first exposure to the pornography industry is eerily similar. It’s an affront to our identity and our senses. In the aftermath of first exposure, we find ourselves confused and ashamed by the experience. Ideas like “other people like this, so there must be something wrong with me”, “it’s legal and others do it, so I shouldn’t feel this way”, “my dad/mom/brother/friend like this, so I should too”, “is the door locked?”, or “why do people do this?” capture the thoughts and feelings. It really is a baffling, secret, and shaming emotional experience to exploit or watch exploitation and pretend all participants are not committing social suicide. Like smoking, revisiting the experience is only improved by our own repeated brainwashing that the experience is far more pleasant and esteemable than it really is.
Shame is a powerful and necessary motivator that helps govern our relationship with others and our spirituality. Using shame to correct shameful experiences is paradoxically misguided and unfortunate. Shaming the ashamed with “strong emotional language” only perpetuates shame thereby triggering humiliation and, regrettably, outward and often vitriolic attempts to save face or accelerates suppression and denial. Emerging treatment modalities confronting pornography (and arguably shame) addiction recognize this paradox and how it’s been a barrier. I believe many who managed to move past this barrier still look to articles such as these, later in recovery, and feel the latent resonance of that toxic humiliation. Most addicts that find themselves here, either by recommendation or consideration of your product, won’t have the instantaneous and radical epiphany you would hope on the harm they are causing themselves and their loved ones. Most won’t even understand how to recognize their shame or the issues they face due to habituated denial. Only those in recovery, after considerable willingness and effort, can begin to unravel the denial and fathom the deep wounds they have inflicted on any level. Arguably, unless experienced firsthand themselves, true and intimate understanding of the pain may never be fully realized. So why then make the approach to those in denial with a tactic that exacerbates denial and humiliation? This really is doing a disservice to your intended audience.
As an aside, I would have guessed your intended audience to be the wives of addicted husbands.
Good points. I’ll try to reply to them as best I can.
1. “I’m not advocating for downplaying or devaluing the real emotional and physical harm pornography causes.” Good deal. I assumed you wouldn’t do that.
2. “‘Scared straight,’ ‘tough love,’ and similar intervention-based paradigms have limited efficacy.” Yes. Absolutely.
3. “I believe shame is an emotion that emerges from the perceived social threat against self.” My definition of shame is similar. Like you say, it should be distinguished from fear or guilt. Agreed.
4. “…rationalizations may even attempt to proclaim shame as something other than what it is as a means to demonize and condemn it.” Agreed. Shame should not be demonized or condemned. Agree 100%.
5. “There is no facet of the pornography industry that is absent of shame.” I don’t disagree here either. I would qualify that we tend to see two types of individuals who find themselves ensnared by pornography: those who have a shame-based grasp of their condition, and those who grew up in “shameless” atmospheres. Perhaps this is what you were talking about when you mentioned “habitual denial.” While I agree that shame is a universal human experience, we tend to talk to a lot of “sinning in broad daylight” types.
6. “Shaming the ashamed with ‘strong emotional language’ only perpetuates shame.” Yes. The intention of this article is to address the unashamed. What some readers have told us is, “I showed [specific article] to my husband and he finally understood how much he was hurting me. He and I are finally seeking help for the first time.” As far as shaming the ashamed, I completely agree.
I recently saw that my husband was/had been watch ING porno,looking at websites for local women who just want to F. . . I had a very heated moment with him about this and we finally had silence. I later told him I wanted to be alone in our bedroom. I got on my knees,prayed,cried with loud hollers,like somebody died or something. I was so so heartbroken. I asked God to please have Mercy on US and to guide me in the decisions I will be having to make. By the way,this all was brought to the light on Christmas day. I called my husband to come in to our bedroom and I told him to come pray with me. We both cried so much. My pain was like hitting really hard on my heart and I know his is shame, regret,fear,(of loosing me) etc. Having to admit addictions is hard,but he did come clean. I told him that with God’s help, we will get through this. Satan never rests .He kills,steals,and districts. I told my husband I forgive him but I have been going through a lot of discouragement, crying in moments, and just feeling like I am not completely satisfying my marriage. I told this to my husband and he said I do turn him on,he loves me very much and I am everything he always wanted in a woman. From me being caring, determined to accomplish and being strong and firm in my WORD. I asked him,then why, what makes you do this? He finally said it, that he has an addiction and thought he could make it stop by himself. At this point I will be making decisions and I really need you to pray for US.
This is what’s happening in my marriage, the vows we both promised and committed are in a very bad storm. Anyone with a suggestion!
Hi Jo,
Well, first of all, your husband has a lot of work to do. He needs to get his devices clean, he needs therapy, he needs accountability. He needs to do this work if he’s going to get past his habits and become trustworthy again. He won’t be able to do it alone. He needs help. Often men feel an initial high when they come clean, but if they don’t get real help, they will relapse. Even with help, it’s a long road to true recovery. You can’t do that work for him, he has to do it himself.
Secondly, you need support and help as well. Find a therapist for you, someone who can help you process your pain and build healthy boundaries. Here, here, and here are articles on boundaries. Find a group for yourself. Check out on the online resources at Bloom. Whatever your husband chooses, you choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace to you,
Kay
I got one my spouse had a couple of dreams at different points in our relationship and she has woke cause she was going to have sex ,but woke and tried to go back to sleep to continue the dream and me if I watch porn that I am not clearly in she saying that cheating, but her having sex in her dream is not cause you can’t control what you dream or do in your dream..wrong you can do only what you really want to do…that is cheating…so she says that are grounds for dumping me and calling me a cheater…woow
I think the point of this article is simply to call “a duck, a duck” many men deal with the shame by living in denial and saying “well, it isn’t really cheating” to be free from the sin they must deal with the denial. The goal is not to shame them, they are already living in shame. The goal is to break through the denial that is holding them back from real change.
Well said. Yes.
I’m surprised at Luke’s response to your comment – and your comment. My position is that denial is a face of shame on this specific issue (a coping mechanism), which you confirm in your comment, and Luke somewhat confirms with his “shameless” and “sinning in broad daylight” comments. “Breaking through the denial” with intervention-based language intended to incite and offend (e.g. tough-love, “break through”, scared straight, etc) betray the goal of inspiring real change. Luke even acknowledges this and agrees with it.
Taken a step further, we get to the real heart and intent of the article. The primary audience is female, the secondary audience being the husbands in the grip of porn (see Luke’s comment item #6 above). You could also say the final audience is the husbands, but the couriers are the wives of addicts. This distinction is important. This type of language directed towards the addicts doesn’t go far.
Luke suggests articles like these have brought many husbands to the breaking point, but I think that’s taking more credit than is due. These articles aren’t read or received in a vacuum. The love, support, worry, concern, heart break, hurt, God, faith, and hope that are almost always delivered with the article deserve all the credit for inspiring real change.
I’ve somewhat abandoned communicating how harmful this type of approach is on this website. Old mind patterns die hard. I really believe this approach turns so many away from embarking on real change, and with the rising tide of this epidemic, the impact this language has is heartbreaking to me.
I do not believe God will, upon my death, greet me with anything other than immeasurable and incalculable love and grace. There will be no inciting language intended to offend my senses for whatever transgressions I account for. Only love and grace.
I know we will probably have to agree to disagree. By in large, we write articles that are meant to bring encouragement and understanding around the topic of addiction. From time to time we write to those who are convinced that nothing is wrong with porn and who are convinced their spouse should see things the same way. These kind of apologetics are meant to break through that line of thinking, but not to be an end in and of themselves (as no article is meant to be).
Jessica you are so right!!!!!
Jessica, Yes…my husband made real changes only when he stopped denying the cause of the shame he was feeling. Well put and I know my husband would agree. My husband lived in shame when his motto was, “Porn is definitely not cheating. It might not be nice but it isn’t cheating.” He was unable to break the cycle of addiction with this line always on the tip of his tongue, even when he thought he wanted to. But then came the light for my husband. Slowly, he began to realize that porn, lust, fantasy were much more damaging than simply being “not nice.” And that was when the profound changes in my husband began. He definitely views porn as adultery now and….he has become not only the husband that I always wanted him to be and always knew he could be. But, he has also become the man that he always wanted to be. The shame is gone from his life because his eyes are now open and aware of what real faithfulness means. Happiness can be in other couples futures as well. Take heed of what people in the know are saying here.
There are reasons why people cheat and I am tired of hearing people skirt around this. If you are stuck in a sexless marriage then a marriage is hell. Also, why are articles always about men cheating? Women cheat just as much and are doing most of the porn our there.
If you are stuck in a sexless marriage, then yes, it can be very frustrating. This isn’t any reason to have sex with other women (just as being single isn’t a reason to sleep around), but I get your point.
Articles aren’t always about men cheating. This one happens to be because that it receives the lion’s share of the e-mails we get, but if you want to read some articles for women who struggle with porn and sexual sin, then I suggest you start here.
Thanks for this post. As a betrayed wife (who was very loving and attentive) I can say that it is most certainly cheating. It doesn’t just “feel” like it, it absolutely is. Much of the pornography is geared to make a man not only a viewer but a participant. Camera angles and such are placed in a way that hides the male actor at times, but shows the woman in totality, making a porn user feels HE is the one WITH the woman. When someone views porn and couples that with masturbation, they are ENTERING the fantasy. The “fantasy” now has a very tangible connection to his physical being. HE is now the man in the coupling… it’s just him and her in that moment. The remorse many husbands feel afterward, I believe, is knowing in that moment his wife didn’t matter.. Their vows didn’t matter. Pornography is death and destruction.
Really , some mothers do have em .
So studies estimate well over 50 percent of women and 80 percent of men mastubrbate .
Now are you all really trying to say that of that 50 percent of women who masterbate don’t fantasise to reach orgasm , or do they only masturbate exclusively fantasising about their partner ?hmmm I’m guessing they use images and thoughts of other men to reach orgasm…
Which according to this hogwash is cheating ..
I’m calling a spade a spade and unless you are having sexual intercourse or any other physical sexual activity with an actual person then you are not cheating sexually .maybe you are not being totally honest with your partner but you are not cheating ..
Look up the meaning of cheating and not being honest in certain context to facilitate cheating could be classed as making cheating possible but not being honest is not another word for cheating
That would make mastubating pointless !
Please help me here my husband admits it says he is struggling but yet says he can NOT promise to stop!?
Hi Marci – does he want to stop? Here’s one of our most popular e-books for people who really want to quit, understand the impact of porn, and steps to overcome: https://www.covenanteyes.com/brain-ebook/
Everyone has their own opinions. Depending on thier foundations and beliefs and maybe current activities and unwillingness to stop or feel convicted.
A screen inbetween the act doesn’t change the feels and desire.
To be devoted to someone and promise to them to be the only one to them and then to look at another woman in a way that you SHOULD only reserve for your wife or husband and play out a sacrid activity with them in their head is completely cheating.
Out of the thoughts come out actions. And this isn’t just thinking about it it is participating as close to the real thing as possible in this digital world we live in.
Unfortunately it will only get worse, as things advance. Men will have sex with robot dolls, actually they are already I believe and they will have much realer experiences without organically /physically doing it.
That is just an excuse if I’ve ever heard one.
Those thoughts, those sensations and memeories made are for your spouse and them alone.
This porn world we love in is for the selfish.
Lovers of themselves and their own desires.
You see it everywhere with all the selfies and self idolatry. We hardly care for anyone but ourselves. So heck if we can please ourselves whenever why not. Who cares about the spouse, as long as we are happy.
Happily divorced for sure.
Anyone who believes partaking in this mental activity is ok… only thinks it’s ok because they do it and do not want to stop and are convicted when confronted otherwise.
I was this way before when physically being a cheater, super defensful trying to find wya s to support my behavior.
This is a time of digital cheating and has been accepted as normal. Very sad, honorabilty and loyalty are a thing of the past.
First, I would like to say that first, if the man is watching the specific pornographic videos where it makes the camera be the Man in the Situation, that would be a stronger case for cheating. But most porn include both, and most men are not homosexual, so I would say it removes the personal connection, which the personal connection, or the lack thereof, is the big difference that people miss between hiring a hooker and watching a video online that is geared for the masses, and entirely non-personal.
I would have to ask, for consistency, would you consider a wife that reads Erotica (50 Shades of Grey for example) to be cheating?
For those “Christian” husbands (and some wives!) still defending their pornography use, you should know Jesus permits divorce for issues of sexual immorality or unchastity. A lot of people misquote Him saying “adultery.” Oh no… The actually Greek word is “porneia.” Matthew 19:9 says: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for porneia (sexual immorality), and marries another woman commits adultery.” So to married people who are struggling with stopping, PLEASE take notice… God is telling us how badly this hurts a spouse and the marital bond! He permits divorce (which He HATES) over this issue of porneia. Save yourself before Satan steals the beauty from your life!
To other hurt spouses out there, I do not want that scripture to cause you to stumble. God definitely prefers reconciliation over divorce.. Go to the throne (of God) before the courthouse! In my case, I BURIED my face in the bible and prayer! I cried more to God (and still do) than I ever have in my life. I began to extend grace as best as I could to my husband. But, he also realized what he did absolutely devastated me and is remorseful over it. We are on the road to recovery. Not fully recovered, no.. But God is restoring us!!
You absolutely nailed it. I have tried to reconcile. I have been to counselor after counselor. I have heard every promise. He has assured me every time that he was delivered. Every time his porn addiction was worse, until finally he started looking at teen porn. I forgave every time, but that doesn’t fix it. Now I think he may be finally done with it, but after 12 years of this, I am done with him, and I am not willing to wait around to see if he is finally done with it…this time. Honestly the damage is done. No matter how much I forgive him, the trust is gone. I just can’t live like this anymore with locks on the computers, making sure he isn’t left home alone, sneaking down the hall with my heart pounding in the middle of the night because he isn’t in bed and I am afraid of what I will catch him doing. I may forgive, but I cannot receive love from him. Even in intimate times, actually especially in intimate times, there are thousands of women between us, making me feel compared, making me feel settled for, making me feel like nothing special to him…just another one. Thank you for what you said HurtWife. You are completely right. I have studied this, and Jesus DID say *porneia* which does mean any kind of sexual immorality. Tell it like it is. I’m tired of people justifying porn as though it is an excusable act.
You might also be interested in looking at this article from The Gottman Institute. They’re the foremost marriage and relationship researchers in the world, and they recently came out against porn, citing the harm to relationships. You’re not making this up! Peace to you, Kay
And yes as a hurt wife here who masterbates. When I do yes I think of him and what I would like him to do I don’t watch porn haven’t since he told me he didn’t want me to. But then months down the road I see he is watching porn and for hours not only that but has turned me down for sex I know he has masterbates to these and all in all cheating is when u actively emerse your one self in any sexual act. So yes watching porn and masterbating to it he has to finish by make believing he is there so yes it’s cheating and committing adultery
I think it would be very enlightening to ask the following questions of anyone who is angry or hurt by his/her partner watching porn.
1. Do you masturbate? If yes…
2. Do you fantasize while masturbating? If yes…
3. Do you ever fantasize about activities that you don’t engage in with your partner during sex or do you only imagine the same activities that you actually do engage in with your partner?
4. Is the partner in your fantasies always your real life partner or do you ever imagine anyone else? Someone you know, a celebrity, or even a fabricated person – nameless and faceless but still distinctly NOT your real life partner?
If you answered yes to these questions, you might want to re-examine your vilification of your partner for watching porn when what you do while masturbating is substantively no different. You imagine porn in your head and your partner watched it on a screen. No real difference there.
I agree!! What you said really hits the nail on the head. It’s lustful desires in the heart.. Desiring someone outside your partner IS wrong! Where pornography is unique, I think, is it can wrap its tentacles around a man’s mind that mental fantasies cannot and can seriously torture a wife (we can’t even check out our groceries without being reminded of the “perfect,” young options for our husband’s fantasies). And that’s the thing.. Looking at the objects of lust only reminds a man of all the other “perfect” options out there and increases his dissatisfaction with his real, aging and flawed partner. Also, studies have proven how indulging in pornographic images/videos can dramatically warp a man’s mind about women in general. This can also be true for women, of course, but this post is specific to men.
But, I think you have a great point!
I have to say that when I masturbate (which is rare to begin with as I prefer my husband) I am only thinking of him. This is not to pass judgement or “side” with anyone. I find my husband extremely attractive…even as he continues to age. He just seems to get hotter and hotter…and this is even though we are having serious marital problems right now. Ironically, our troubles are based on sex. That I don’t want him enough or I don’t initiate it enough…which is true. But it is due to his lack of respect and adoration of me (something he gave me when I met him, dated him and married him) which is gone now…so I feel someone demoralized having sex with him. That was all probably a bit too much information. But bottom line, no, I do not fantasize about others sexually. Just him. But I do find myself fantasizing about the respect and adoration he had for me and viewing that person from before as a completely different person now.
My response to all of the above is “sneaking around, lying, being deceitful, opting to sit in and watch porn rather than spend time with your wife/family/friends and spend what transpires to be possibly £1000s on porn is not the same as fantasising in your own head! When you commit to marriage, you are vowing to be open and honest, not to have what is ultimately another life online. I obviously don’t know your circumstances but from someone who is not a prude, has always been a sexual person, in fact wanting more sex with my husband and has recently discovered a secret “porn addiction” I can tell you it is the secrecy, deceit and betrayl that are like a million daggers to the heart.”
Rob, I am 61 yrs old and sex for me is being with my husband and always thinking only of my husband. I promised him those things in my marriage vows and I keep my promises. We have been married 32 yrs and my husband recently told me that he spent 25 of those yrs with porn, lust, fantasy & masturbation. And yes, I am completely devastated. I know many women (young and old), like myself. I am not a unique woman and for the most part we are not the same as men.
I have been in a virtually sexless relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. I’ve tried discussing with him many times about feeling neglected in this area of our relationship, and what could possibly be going on to cause him to not be interested in being physically intimate with me. At first, he offered several explanations ranging from conditions or circumstances not being right to the fact that he’s just never been a sexual person. He would always just say that he would fix it, and also confided that previous relationships had ultimately ended because of this issue.
Not really ever feeling that I was getting anywhere, I decided to back off and allow him to try and “fix it”. But I recently found a post it note where he had written a dozen names of porn stars. I questioned him about it, and he told me it was from before we met. As odd as it was, without any evidence that he was lying, I believed him. Yet there was still that nagging feeling that something was going on. So, I checked the internet history on his phone…and there it was. He had been viewing porn practically every single day.
Obviously I am hurt by this, but what really hurts is that I have shared with him that my previous marriage was destroyed by this very thing, and that it was one of the most painful times in my life. He told me that for him, it was purely a habit, he would just stop. I asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses and doesn’t believe that his habit is to that extent. I asked him to go to the doctor to have his T checked considering he seemed to have issues with getting aroused with me. To this he agreed, but in two months, has not done. We haven’t been intimate in over 3 months now, and I’m ready to walk away.
Any advice?
I think your readiness to walk away indicates a wise choice for a healthy future for yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s not ready to take action and deal with his choices and behaviors. Until he’s able to do that, he’s going to continue to struggle. His lack of sexual ability or interest is certainly a huge warning sign of serious issues. Erectile dysfunction is a very common side effect of serious porn use.
Your gut is right! Heed the gut!
Thank you for your feedback Kay. I often wonder why we seek out advice on situations we know are not healthy for us, and why we tend to ignore our intuitions. I guess for myself, I just need some reassurance, even from a stranger, that what I’m feeling is valid. And my decision to leave and move on with my life isn’t selfish or in haste. I keep telling myself that he is a good, kind, considerate, loving, and sweet man…but the lack of action on his part to not only show me behavior consistent with remedying the issue, but the sheer inconsiderate nature of the bahavior that got us here is definitely to the contrary. Thank you for taking time to let me know that I have done all that I can. Hopefully he will get help, for himself and subsequent romantic relationships. But I can no longer wait for someone to do something about their issue. No one is perfect, but I deserve someone that will not only respect me without being provoked to do so.
Well, I think when we’re absorbed in an unhealthy relationship, we stop trusting God to guide us, and instead we get caught up in the other person’s mess. It’s kind of normal, really!
It’s so sad! Of course you’d love for the relationship to work! But eventually we have to face the reality of free will. It’s not our job to control others. We can and should care about them, but we can’t control them. We can only make healthy choices for ourselves, and hope that they do the same.
What do you do if you have been in a 5 yr marriage that has been sex less from the beginning?
How do you explain to your spouse that your struggles come from the desire to be sexually exclusive with them?
What if sex deathly terrifies your spouse to the point that you feel guilty for bringing it up at any pt?
Just curious.
Great questions. I don’t know if it relates to the subject of this post directly, but it’s worth looking at.
First, I recommend reading this article to start, “Will a Better Sex Life Keep Porn at Bay?” It takes a very balanced approach to the subject.
Second, to fear sexuality is an unhealthy thing, whether you are married or unmarried. If I were speaking to this spouse, I would urge them to get to the bottom of this fear. As sexual creatures, we should not fear what our bodies are wired to do—that’s like being afraid of food or water.
First of all I can say I am 21.. met my bf of 4 years when i was turning 18.. I am currently dealing with this sick dirty deed act.. I personally find it unjustifiable in any way.. viewing porn is cheating.. it’s lusting after someone you don’t even know.. but because they are naked.. and being provocative with this fake *persona of being someone perfect who is gaging for sex.. it’s just ridiculous.. now.. I have just currently had a baby.. to this guy and during my entire pregnancy I literally had to beg for imtimacy.. not just a cuddle but to be desired and physically loved.. so I knew something wasn’t right.. still I shook it off and left it. go. ( WRONG) now my feelings are eating me inside and out.. I needed more evidence.. before i’d have confronted him.. when my son was only..4 weeks old.. my fiance.. (would wait until i was asleep.. even though I offered to be imitate with him before i went to sleep.. he turned me down.. while i was asleep.. the baby was crying ( it was his turn for night feeds) I woke up.. to find he was not there.. I went down stairs secretly.. to find yes you guessed it.. ”getting himself off to pornography.. I lost all my baby weight almost instantly.. I had a very hard labour.. more then 24 hours which ended in a emergency c section.. but you guys would say ” oh.. it’s cause ur not confident.. ur tired.. you don’t do what they can do.. ” you expect such a false reality.. to feed ur sick mind without realising ur just damaging yourself and everyone around you.. I have threatened to leave because why should someone in a relationship need a stranger on a screen to sexually satisfy them when there partner is willing too.. I even tried to do things to bring a little more fun to the bedroom..but it’s not good enough..because the more you feed ur addiction of this filth the more you become less of a man.. and don’t give excuses like ”all men do it ” ”we have animal instincts” woman want sex too.. and cause are partners can’t controll themselves.. we suffer for it.. hell if you want someone on a screen and ur hand.. that’s ok..but you shouldn’t have both ur cake and eat it.. that’s selfish and ur undeserving of good faithful wives.. I never so much look at another guy with googley eyes let alone.. orgasm to one.. I have too much respect for my partner I care about his feelings obviously the feeling isn’t mutual and that’s what hurts. and having been here over 4 years.. I can honestly say no I don’t want to marry him.. and deal with this pure dirty deed daily..
Hey there. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re going through right now. This is such a tough situation, and so frustrating because all you can do is take responsibility for yourself, and hope that your partner will choose to do the same. I would encourage you to find support just for you, as you think about your boundaries and what is healthy for you going forward. Personal counseling can be helpful, and groups are a wonderful place to find others working through similar issues who can be supportive to you as well. Celebrate Recovery, S Anon, even Al Anon are all good places to look. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries, and here’s another one Ella wrote just recently. I hope those are helpful. Blessings, Kay
I walked in on my partner with his pants down about to jerk off to porn when I came home from work. He quickly pulled up his pants and said he was texting his tax lady when he saw me walk in. “Really texting your tax lady with your pants down looking like your about to jerk it?” Then he admitted he was about to watch some porn once he was done texting her. Then I asked if I was not good enough. He said I was. And he said he was planning on having sex with me when he got home from work that night ( we never did he claimed he was too tired as I predicted and of course I got on him about it telling him he was predictable) Here’s the thing. He always claims he’s too tired or too busy when I try to initiate. When we do have sex it’s on his time. Which is once about every 4 days now when we used to do it once or twice a day. He used to not be able to keep his hands off me now I just feel like he prefers porn to me. I addressed this and he said all guys do it and he has high testosterone. Well if his testosterone is high or why don’t we have more sex. I never turn him down and am always wanting it. I love feeling the intimacy with him. It makes me feel like I am not good enough/ attractive enough for him. It hurts me and breaks my confidence. He says he loves me but I sometimes wonder if he just needs someone to clean the house and cook for him without the intimacy while he finds someone hotter to look at or who knows actually have sex with. He tells me I am making a big deal and being dramatic about it and unreasonable. He also tells me at least I didn’t walk in on him with another girl in bed. Well to me it’s just as bad. You are lusting and fantasizing over someone else. He claims he doesn’t jerk it often but that’s a lie I know it. I’ve heard him in the shower almost everytime
He’s in there cause we live in a small apartment and he leaves the door open. He jerks it more than we have sex even though he says he prefers the real thing. 🙄 Well he must not want the real thing with me. I really needed to vent about this and I’m wondering if I am unreasonable. He cheated on his ex a few times so makes me wonder if he just gets bored easily and like I said wants me for the other shit in the relationship just not sex.
Hi friend,
s
It sounds like you may need to take a step back and look at the future of this relationship. Although I am not one to suggest that one leaves a relationship when things get difficult, I do think that since you are not in a committed marriage relationship, you should really consider where this is headed and how much more damaging it could become over time.
If you do want to preserve the relationship, I think that it is essential that you both consider counseling, both individually and as a couple. Getting to the root of the issue can hugely benefit your relationship (and intimacy), and a therapist will be able to help you both do that.
I hope that I don’t sound like a downer in my response. I want nothing more than your relationship to succeed, but what is happening right now is not healthy, especially if your boyfriend doesn’t even see where he is wrong here. Ultimately, if he is not willing to change and openly admits to watching porn, you need to get out fast.
I am praying for you both! Please feel free to reach out here again with any questions.
Blessings,
Moriah
From a philosophical standpoint, it is this very line of reasoning which supports the general argument that it is very wrong to exceed the posted speed limit while driving an automobile on the highway. Speed limits are “agreements” society has made and when we are granted our drivers licensees we agree to obey all traffic laws. Yet very, very, very few people ever drive the speed limit. I am one of the few persons on the highway who actually does drive the posted speed limit and I am the recipient of a tremendous amount of harrasement because of it. Just imagine always driving the speed limit, and what impact that has upon the other drivers around you. They pretty much hate you. Now it is known that speed kills. Furthermore, speeding is just one symptom of a general behaviour where drivers will do many unsafe things, be it following too close or pulling out too soon from a stop, that endanger their lives. So while porn may be the little secret we all keep to ourselves, speeding is the one thing that practically everyone does, mothers and fathers, grandparents and children, until a police car is seen…then everyone slows down. Now it’s pretty easy to raise the speed limit. As the vast majority of the voter base exceeds the speed limit, I really don’t know why we do not simply vote ourselves a higher speed limit. I’d like a speed limit of 120 mph in places. I drive a DeTomaso Pantera at times so I actually can drive very fast, but I choose not to because it’s against the law. It’s against the covenant. So my advice is before we move forward declaring how horrible it is to break one or the other covenants, we think just a little bit about how we drive and if as a society we need to face reality and either raise the speed limits to reflect how we truly behave or simply start doing the right thing. And then perhaps we will also begin to say, stop looking at porn. After all, it is all very similar behavior. It’s aways a matter of what we think we can get away with when no one is watching.
Amen. Consistency across the behavior spectrum is needed.
I have to say that the original speed limits were not 55mph. In fact, the roads were designed with much higher speed limits in mind. The 55mph came about during the gas crisis. when the gas crisis ended, speeds were not raised because of the revenue generated by them. so yes, speed kills. It kills at 20,30,40,50,60mph etc. going 40 in a 30 does not necessarily mean you have a higher chance of killing someone…in as much as going 5mph in a 20 means it is safer. If speed limits were designed to save lives, I would side with you. But it seems there are larger social and political factors that go into the speed than simply saving lives.
So cheating on your wife with a prostitute and watching porn are one and the same? I beg to differ, watching porn while morally reprehensible does not risk your innocent partners life. Having sex with a HIV riddled prostitute will kill not only you but your wife leaving your children parentless! The outcomes of the two morally reprehensible activities are so divergent as to put them into different categories.
No, they are not “one and the same.” That isn’t what I said at all. I said seeking out porn is engagement with a digital prostitute.
You might not see porn to be one and the same as being with a prostitute, but some people can become addicted to porn, Which in turn can lead to paying for sex with a live person to enact what they have seen. While, the person may tell the spouse they love them. Some of these people can not have actual sexual contact with their spouse. I know this because I married such a person. His inability to be physically affectionate with me made me question if he found me unattractive. It would not matter what I would do. It was not until I cleaned a spare room that I found a large amount of pornographic material (videos and pictures) that I knew there was an issue. I asked him about it and told him how it hurt me that he would rather gratify himself to the porn rather than have an actual intimate relationship with his wife. He removed the material and threw it out. (Which he later removed from the trash and took to another location.) A year later I had to use his laptop to assist him with his business, where I found a whole section of his computer dedicated to pornographic movies and pictures, ranking women that live our area and whom we both know on their attire, and scenarios he would like to play out with other women. I did not tell him I found this, instead I thought I would check out some of the sites he went to and get his logins and passwords. When I did this, I found he has paid for “escorts” and gone to “massage parlors” for some of his fantasies. So porn can lead to physical adultery. I tore me apart and every day currently is a struggle to fight to live. Even though he promised to get help and to work together on our marriage, his actions have been to the contrary.
You are thinking and getting off because of what that hot little number is doing in the video. So yes it is cheating you’re sexually looking at someone else then spouse.
This article is a mistake right from point 2. You created a chain where every node is slightly different. You can add then another point 7: if you masturbate only thinking at porn you cheat. 8: if you just imagine other women’s breasts underneath her clothing. 9: have a sexual fantasy with an unknown woman. 10: be a men
The different between one scenario and the next is intentional, not a mistake. The point is that if movement from one point to another does not move from adulterous behavior to non-adulterous behavior, then the last point in the chain is adulterous in nature.
I don’t think point 8 and following fits the scenario. Merely imagining something does not denote some kind of intention to engage with a digital prostitute.
I was introduced to porn early in life & have been trying to steer clear of it but keep relapsing. I’ve been with my wife for almost 20 yrs & I’m tired of hurting her. Due to issues that have happened in our childhood, my wife & I are intimate a couple times a yr if I’m lucky. I sincerely love my wife & while we’re still young I’d love to be able for us to share the passion two loving individuals are intended to share. All in all, I need help! Any advice to keep this demon called porn from rearing its ugly head again in my lifetime would be greatly appreciated…
Well, it sounds to me like you both need to address those childhood issues, for sure. I’d say you probably need to each get a good, individual therapist and work on those issues separately. You might want to look into a CSAT-certified therapist for yourself. Once you’re both in a place of recovery over those individual issues, it would probably then be time to work together with a good marriage and family therapist to learn how to be truly connected to each other emotionally.
While you’re working on those issues, you can start educating yourselves about what makes a marriage successful. One of the best books I know about relationships/marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. It’s interesting, but the research says that sex isn’t one of the things! It’s all about knowing each other, being able to work through issues, learning how to agree to disagree when you need to, and truly caring about the other person’s emotions. Here’s an article I wrote a while back about Gottman’s ideas on building trust.
If you haven’t read Surfing for God, you might find that helpful as well.
Blessings, Kay
Thank you, Kay! It means a lot…
Hope it helps!
Her neglect of you is just as much a sin as your porn use. You both need to address your own issues separately and then also together. Wish you both much success.
Feel the force, Luke. You really need to get over yourself. Like celibacy in the priest hood, fighting nature just doesn’t work; it ends up in child abuse. I suggest to subscribe to Porn Hub before you lose your mind.
Thanks for the Star Wars reference.
Not sure what I need to “get over” about myself, but I’ll try.
I’m also not sure what about this article (or any article I’ve written here) makes your think I’m asking people to fight nature. Can you be more clear?
There are porn actresses in nature? Watching a couple having sex is natural? I beg to differ.
You need to grow up in marriage u give up being shellfish if a wife was to fall in love with another man yes she is cheating just as a man watching porn to be aroused or to get off
You managed to put my EXACT perspective on this matter perfectly. Thank you!
You managed to put my EXACT perspective on this matter into words perfectly! Thank you for that!
Doesn’t the act of masturbating with toys or while fantasizing still break that fundamental vow? I mean sexual exclusivity is broken in both of these cases. Your logic steps would imply this especially they toy part. Go through the steps using a dildo instead of porn, and a man making a mold of himself instead of recording the sex. Also would it be cheating if the masturbation was not to porn but lets say a lingerie website or Vogue for that matter. Oh and for the record I agree that porn is bad, demoralizing, etc. I just don’t think your logic works. Porn is bad simply because it reduces sexual attraction to real women (proven) and it takes your sexual desire from your partner.
I didn’t know how to handle the pornography use (teen porn also) that I caught my spouse watching via cellphone. I asked him to leave. Out of hurt, sadness, anger, I told him that we may end up divorcing because of the nature of the mess he was looking up. I couldn’t sleep. I remember just telling him to leave and take his things, he said he wouldn’t need them. Hours go by, don’t hear from him– I was told to go look for him via his mother because he might hurt himself. :( well, I did, I found him not far from where we shared a place to live, in his Jeep, gun shot wound to his head. Did porn kill him? I was hurt, I didn’t want him to die. I’ve researched a lot about pornography use and I read that porn usage can sometimes cause people to hurt themselves when they’re caught. ? in this case teen pornography….
I am so, so sorry. I’m sorry he was so overcome by shame that he chose death. And I’m so, so sorry for the pain you’re living with today. I can’t even imagine.
I hope you know that your husband’s choices are NOT your fault. It’s okay to be angry. It’s good to have boundaries. Of course you didn’t want him to die!
I think a lot of people who live with porn use have a lot of shame. Especially if they’re viewing porn that seriously violates their own ethics, like child and teen pornogrpahy. And the thing about shame is this. Shame is a liar. It tells us that we can’t ever be better. It says that what we’ve done is unforgiveable. It says that life is hopeless.
None of these things are true! Even though they may feel so real in the moment, the truth is is: there IS healing. There IS hope. There IS a way forward out of the darkness.
I’m so, so sorry that your husband couldn’t see his way out of the darkness and into the light.
But I hope you’ll be able to cling to hope and find healing and peace, even in the midst of this terrible tragedy.
I hope you’ve got a counselor who’s helping you through? Here’s a link if you need to find someone in your area.
I’m praying for you today, Kay
A pseudoscientific TradCon using postmodernist rhetoric and fallacies like false equivalence and slippery slope to “prove his point”.
Men are wising up and leaving the plantation. No sophistry will stop that.
Go team!.
Thank you!! Your article saved my marriage!’ It opened my husband eyes and he is finally able to grasp what he’s been putting me thru. It enlighten both of us. I was at my breaking point after 13 years of coping with it. and all your articles put everything that i couldnt into perspective for him. Truly a blessing ?
Hi Ambra, I’m so glad the article helped! I hope your husband will be able to carry through on his good intentions to recovery. He might also want to read this article on recovery, and our free download, Your Brain on Porn. He may find that he needs help in the form of counseling and group support. Here’s a directory for Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, in case you need it. Generally we find it takes quite a while to truly recover, but it’s totally possible! Here’s our free download, Hope After Porn, where several wives share their stories of recovery. Let us know how it goes! Kay
Husband has been performing on webcams, entering private chat rooms with many people. I discovered this by accident -he said he’s been trying to stop for years and did it for cheap thrills. I’m really struggling to understand how his personal chat, his conversations on Kik, Skype and email, his acts of printing out emailed pictures to add his contribution to, to email back to sender, could in his head be pixels, the blob of internet and not real people. He thought he was live streaming, but someone has recorded them and uploaded. I’ve now found loads of these videos and am shaken to the core. Tying in the messages, he is responding on the video to the messages sent. How can he have viewed this as the internet blob? Not people? i really don’t understand. Any links which could help me get into his head – I can’t kick him out as I can’t do that to our kids, but really stuck knowing where to turn.
Hey Sarah.
It sounds like your husband has a very elaborate system of rationalization going on to help him avoid the truth about what he’s doing. It’s very common to have defense mechanisms like this, and he may actually believe what he’s telling himself about it. Here is a short animation on defense mechanisms, and here’s one on gaslighting.
If he wants to repair the marriage, he needs to take responsibility for his recovery. Given his history, I would say that he needs a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). He could read our free download, Your Brain on Porn–it would help you to understand what’s going on in his brain, too.
Whatever he decides, make sure you get support for yourself. Many times, women in situations like this will meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Find a counselor who can help you process your emotions and establish healthy boundaries. A support group can be a huge help as well.
Here and here are a couple of good articles on boundaries. Here’s a link to our best content for wives. I hope those resources help! Whatever he chooses, you choose good health and healing!
Peace to you, Kay
Do you suspect your spouse of cheating, are you being overly paranoid or seeing signs of infidelity…Then he sure is cheating: I was in that exact same position when I was referred to Bruno through my best friend Monique who helped me hack into my boyfriend’s phone, it was like a miracle when he helped me clone my boyfriend’s phone and I got first-hand information from his phone. Now I get all his incoming and outgoing text messages, emails, call logs, web browsing history, photos and videos, instant messengers(facebook,whatsapp,bbm,IG etc) , GPS locations, phone tap to get live transmissions on all phone conversations..if you need help contact him on hackerethique@gmail.com
Mat 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
Mat 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
While Jesus warned of the dangers of desiring things that don’t belong to you, He was by no means implying that looking at someone with desire was grounds for divorce as was the literal act of infidelity! While most of us are aware that little seeds after a process of time and work can turn into big plants, the literal act of adultery, or infidelity is not something that can be taken back or changed! In other words while a bullitt in a gun may be dangerous, it can be removed and destroyed, or stored in a safe place; but once you’ve pulled the trigger and the bullitt has left the gun, it is deadly and cannot be called back or altered! Think about it, many of us have had thoughts of hurting or maybe even killing someone in a time of anger or frustration, but is it the same as acting or following through on our desires? NO, as It would bad if that where the case. We had much rather someone think of hurting or killing us instead of actually following through with their thoughts, as is the same with many sins! We know that other countries have toyed with the idea of maybe using destructive bombs etc. on our country, but which is most harmful the thought or the action, which is easier to correct? I know what it’s like to have your spouse view porn, and I know what it’s like to love someone with all your heart and have them follow through with their desires of infidelity and There Is No Comparison! Trust me, when I say you will forget the times that they had an orgasm watching porn, but You Will Never Forget The Time or Times That You Found Out That They Where In Bed With Someone Else While You Where Taking Care Of The Children Or Other Responsibilities!
It’s honestly amazing how there’s so many people who want to justify their actions because they’re so addicted to porn, instead of just admitting they’re in the wrong. Seems to me like lots of people have massive egos that are in need of a check.
Porn is cheating, there’s no ifs or buts. Let’s say you go to work and a woman you work with hits on you or what ever ok, you’re not opposed to anything, then you go home and she sends you naked pictures of herself. You then proceed to stroke your chicken while wishing you were actually having intercourse with her. How the hell do you think that’ll make your partner feel is she found out? 99% of the time, the partner would be upset, obviously and it’s stupid to say otherwise, give me a break.
You’re putting a ton of sexual attention and energy and even emotional attention into naked strangers. You’re looking at naked woman while touching yourself, it doesn’t matter if it’s pictures or real life it’s the same thing and it’s cheating.
I used to be a severe porn addict and I can tell you that porn makes you less of a man. It makes you weak and selfish.
I am a little confused. In some ways yes it is cheating. But does that mean if a married man lusts by checking out a beautiful lady walking by…is that also cheating? Where do you draw the line of “cheating” when it comes to lust? This seems to be a very grey area. Theres also the argument of masturbating to porn as something healthy to a relationship because it helps blow off steam and in some ways a healthy way to deal with stress for men. That being said, what is your take on that?
Hi Dee – from a Biblical perspective, Jesus constantly points to the heart. In Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” As a married man, if in my heart, I’m allowing sexual desires to move from “a glance at a beautiful woman” to one more step of imagining any action (kissing, holding, etc) with that woman, then I’ve moved to lust. It’s emotional cheating. Is it as far down the path as physically cheating? Maybe not, but I think Jesus’ point is that it’s all the same path, and it’s best to not step on it at all.
For your masturbation + porn question, the potent chemical cocktail that is released while watching porn, that is supercharged with orgasm with masturbation, is training the neurons in the brain to bond to the constant, unrealistic novelty on the screen, and start to see YOU as competition. It’s a damaging, dangerous path. Again, don’t step on it. My advice is to find another outlet.
Chris
Covenant Eyes
When I first met my boyfriend I wasn’t sure it would go anywhere. A few weeks in I began messaging my ex. There wasn’t any sexual talk it was more of what if kinda chat. My bf found out and told me to make a choice, I chose picked him. Well fell for one another, moved in together, and a year and a half into our relationship we got pregnant. A few months after our daughter turned 2 (4 years into the relationship) he had a heart attack. Luckily he survived while he was in the hospital recovering he asked me to bring his phone. I’m still unsure why but I went into his phone and first I seen that he had been sending messages to several different women ( around 20 or more) these are woman he met off the internet sites like Craig’s list. ( he sent emails with vulgar language, pics, and worst of all a private video that he and I made together) And I found over a hundred women on a messenger he used. I called the hospital and said I wasn’t going to go, he denied all of it until I showed him what I found on his phone after I caved and went there. I was angry and very hurt but I stayed by his side while he got better. He tried lying by day it was only a few times but when I checked it dated back to shortly after I picked him. He was sending and receiving pictures from woman for 4 years. Even while I was pregnant. He wasn’t long out of the hospital when he started again. Of course that came with denial until I proved it. We parted ways for awhile. “Hun I have changed, I’ll never do it again all I want is you … Yada yada yada! ” this went on for 2 more years… Cheat – lie – break up – forgive me. We hit our 7 year anniversary he was telling me he was going to talk to a professional to get help.,, never happened. He did it again. I moved out and I was happy had a nice place for me and my daughter who I had half the time , I was getting a new lease on life. Then came the back together talk again. He swore again he would go talk to someone, he wouldn’t message other woman and use sex sites or apps, and if he ever felt any urge he would talk to me first. I had a miscarriage and wasn’t feeling sexual at all. And he slipped up again by watching porn. I told him it wasn’t ok and that not coming to me to talk about it is a lie. We worked things out again. Got pregnant with our second daughter. She is now 4 months old and my bf is up to his same old tricks again. He has never admitted to doing anything I haven’t been able to out right prove. He admitted today that he is ONLY watching porn. But he’s not he’s lying to me. I ended it a few hours ago and I just want to be done with it all. But like I said I just had a baby, I’m not working and I’m not on unemployment or welfare … My bf convinced me it should be a stay at home mom when my job closed down. Now I have 2 girls no income and no way out! Porn is cheating. And porn is a stepping stone I your partner is ok with it that’s one thing.
Kayla, I am so, so sorry. My heart just breaks for you and your girls. Love and prayers for you today, Kay
I hesitate to write this but I feel I have to vent somewhere. I recently found out my husband was using hotel rooms to masturbate to porn. Initially, I found evidence of 4 visits which happened over the course of last year. He swore up and down he wasn’t cheating — he was only going after work for a couple of hours to release stress and feel better. This was extremely hurtful to me as I believed we had a healthy sexual relationship. We both work and have kids but were having sex around 3-4 times per week. After some digging, I found out that this hotel activity wasn’t just the past year — it had gone on for AT LEAST the last 10 years. About once a month (sometimes 2 times) but approximately 10-12 times a year, he was paying to stay at a hotel to masturbate. Even though this sounds completely implausible, I do believe him now. He swears he stopped by himself last year, but I’m still not so sure. A few times, I would catch him looking at something at home on his computer when I’d come downstairs at night. He’d always shut it up quickly and would say it was work related. I kind of knew it wasn’t, but I didn’t push too much. But now, with this lie revealed, I am struggling at how to deal with it. The trust has been broken. Even though I thought we had a strong marriage, it feels very fragile now.
Hi Denise. I’m so, so sorry.
I think it’s unlikely that your husband has cold-turkey quit a habit that he was hiding for 10 years, without real help and real work. This behavior has obviously been filling important places in his life, and that doesn’t heal without serious intervention and hard work. I think he needs to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and get all his devices blocked and filtered. The trust IS broken. And the only way for it to be restored is for him to be trustworthy.
While he does his work, you need to do yours. Many, many women in this situation will meet the clinical criteria for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). And most of the time, I see a lot of energy being centered on getting the husband clean and sober (which is good, and needs to happen!) while the wife’s need for support and healing is neglected. The idea seems to be that if the husband quits porn and the marriage stays together, the wife will automatically be fine. This is NOT TRUE! Whatever your husband chooses, you choose healing and hope for you. Find a counselor just for you. Find a trauma-focused group, if you can. And please, check out Bloom for Women, a great online resource with groups, classes, and all kinds of resources for women.
I also really love John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s the best marriage research on earth, and can help build a strong marriage even while recovering.
Peace to you, Kay
I’m in a similar situation with my fiancé it seems. I feel I can’t trust him as he has lied to me face to face several times about using porn. I moved in with him under very difficult circumstances at the end of last year, I found out after a few weeks that he’d been using porn to masturbate to while I was in the house with him. I knew he did this before I moved in and didn’t like it as it affected our sex life but he promised me on several occasions that he wasn’t doing it any more. I found evidence and after a bit of a confrontation he gave his laptop to me “to avoid temptation”. A few weeks later I discovered he was viewing some “adult” dvd’s he bought before we met. He gave them to me and since then our sex life improved, he was better able to get and maintain an erection. I was finally feeling like maybe I can begin to trust him again when I discovered last night that he’d ordered another dvd online (he only likes lesbian stuff, I’m not sure if that makes it worse or not!), not only that but he’d done it while he was at his mother’s last week for dinner, and the parcel was delivered to her house. She’s due round this weekend and I’m guessing she’ll try and bring it with her secretly. It seems the film is soft porn from what I can gather but I now feel betrayed all over again, I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it didn’t affect us but it does in a big way, and I don’t know how I can trust him again.
Trust is something we give to trustworthy people. And the only way we can know if a person is trustworthy is by their trustworthy behavior over time. If a person persistently behaves in untrustworthy ways, it’s unwise to trust. That leaves us in a difficult position sometimes: will we trust ourselves and the knowledge we have, or will we ignore what we know and continue to allow ourselves to enter into situations with a person whose behavior is not trustworthy? It’s a tough call. Peace to you, Kay
And here is why it might not be considered cheating:
Your mistake starts here: “This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity” and the unanswered question what that means. For me that means, I am going to exclusively have sexual interactions with my wife. Now steps 1-3 include interactions (at least in describing what you want) and step 4 might include interaction if you tell her what to record, but steps 5 and 6… They don’t. So I can watch it and still remain the sexual exclusivity.
The other problem is the “forsaken all others” part. As far as I found out in a quick research it originally meant to leave father and mother and join the new family… Even if you see it as “leaving everyone else behind” like the words intend there is no description in how to do it and it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look at a woman lustfully (if you want to argue like that you better quote Matthew 5:27-30 instead of some interchangeable vow out of the 16th century…)
I am not saying it can’t be cheating, it’s all up to your personal agreements with your husband/wife and up to your personal believe. But this “logical proof” of porn being cheating has a few big flaws.
For this comment, I’m going to assume that by using the word ‘cheating’ that we are really meaning adultery, not the feeling and the word that we use when we are in in school, where a boyfriend ‘cheated’ on you, because it’s not the same.
If you actually read and understand the bible, it defines adultery as sexual relations between a married man and a woman other than his wife (Mark 10:11-12). We all know that sexual relations refers to a physical affair especially sexual intercourse. Therefore, adultery or cheating as we call it, only occurs when there has been physical sexual contact between a married man or woman to someone other than their spouse; Leviticus 20:10 states the following: “And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.”.
So it has to be a man and a woman, two people. Pornography, no matter how disgusting, is a one man/woman show. There are no other people involved. I don’t image many people who watch pornography, ever meet any of these women and have sexual relations with them. Therefore, it can not be called adultery, according to the bible. And yes, the bible says “You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28) But it says he commits adultery in his heart. It does not say that he has had physical, sexual relations with the woman.
So why do Christians think that pornography is cheating and they should be free to divorce their spouse? If that were so, then every married man or woman who has ever looked upon someone, other than their spouse, with lust, has committed adultery and therefore can be divorced according to scripture. It is not so. Also, the bible says, “Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him.” (1 John 3:15). So by the previous logic, if someone hates their brother, then should we throw them in jail because they are a murderer? Of course we don’t and of course they aren’t.
Your view is a little extreme, yet I respect it. Some guys (like myself) are stuck in sexless marriages, where they end up resenting their marriage vows. Talking about sex (or the mundane state of it) causes the wife to cringe and make her complain “that she is not my prostitute”. What other outlet does a guy have if he is constantly shouted down or met with resentment when wanting to discuss sex and not seek an extramarital affair or go nuts?I do not indulge in exploitative or violent pornography and most actresses enter into the business of their free will. My wife has claims that porn has given me “unrealistic expectations” when it comes to the bedroom. It seems my unrealistic expectations are a) she might smile and enjoy sex with her husband and b) a plumber will turn up on time. Hasn’t she committed something as bad as “cheating” by choosing celibacy for her husband where she has no right to do so without consequences?
Just happened upon your comment, and I’d like to say:
I think that’s such a terrible thing to be enduring and I admire you for sticking to just porn when many other men wouldn’t. I’m not promiscuous, but I’ve never had any qualms about making love – and experimenting – in the bedroom with a man I love; so it baffles me as to how other women can be so conservative, maybe outside of a marriage, but with their husbands? To me, to love someone means to want to make them happy. Monogamy is exclusivity to one person, not absolving from sex all together, I think she’s being wildly unfair and unkind to you; but I doubt she’s conscious of it.
Also, I don’t believe that ‘unrealistic expectations’ come from porn. If a person has a strange kink, they’re simply into it, porn only inspires people who already have underlying dispositions. I could watch skat for years and still not be interested in it. It may be more impressionable to young or vulnerable people, but apart from that, not.
I wouldn’t say it was as blameworthy as cheating, but certainly bad, and enough to justify you watching porn by far.
Have you tried telling her how you feel? And explaining to her that prostitutes are not the same as a woman having sex with her husband, it is why we have romantic feelings in the first place, to urge us to pro-create (Cough, cough, do the dirty), and that sex is an integral aspect to marriage, it can even be annulled, invalidated, if a couple have never slept together, that’s how important it is.
I don’t think it can be said that breaking marriage vows and cheating are one and the same. Relationships can exist before marriage; and wedding oaths cover a variety of things, they are terms of a contract and don’t seek to define what is and isn’t cheating.
With your rationale, any person who has intercourse outside of their relationship, provided they aren’t married, cannot be cheating as they haven’t broken a vow. Therefore, watching porn may be breaking oath, but that is all.
Cheating is a much more individual and malleable term that is up to the specific couple to decide. Using porn may be cheating if a couple decide that it is, in the same way, if a couple agree on an open relationship, having sex with other people would not be cheating; regardless of whether I personally agree with it.
To me, as a broad statement: I don’t consider using porn as cheating. There are, of course, exceptions to the rule: I wouldn’t want my significant other paying to subscribe to a specific woman’s videos, or paying for porn in general. There needs to be a level of ‘interaction.’; a typical porn user is watching it to get off, there is no interaction between them and the pornstar; interaction can be anything from physically touching, to passing of money with no other communication. They’ve in some way reached out to that person, which goes beyond the boundary of what is acceptable.
Simply watching porn is different but equally as ‘blameworthy’ as reading a romance book, watching a romcom or having a celeb crush. In one instance we have no interaction but lust, and in the other there is no interaction but romantic feelings.
However that is just my personal stance on things, what constitutes as cheating is for two people to decide amongst themselves; so if you consider it cheating I understand.
I totally consider it cheating as I write this with tears weeping down my face and a man yelling at me how I’m overreacting the point is he is imagining of that other woman who is me and getting off. Months ago he told me I could watch porn it’s bad and asked if I imagine then I told him no I imagine him and he said then I shouldn’t need that and that was enough their for to not do it again cause I know it hurt him and was morally wrong my sexual desire is me helping him.
So if a woman uses a vibrator/dildo is that cheating as well???
If she’s watching porn at the same time, then yes it is.
Mmmmmm. Slippery Porn Slope
As a woman in a loving committed relationship, this is complete bull***.
Hell, as a person who simply prefers that if you’re going to take the time to write an article on some opinion of yours that you also take the time to thoughtfully construct a compelling argument grounded in logic, this is bull***.
If I pull out a gun and shoot you in the face I’ve violently murdered you and committed a crime, right?
(Insert list of increasingly irrelevant scenarios that use quirky, forced wording that vaguely link each successive bullet point).
So, if I watch a violent movie where someone of your same gender and kind of has similar physical appearance as you dies and I give that movie a decent review online, I’ve basically committed a violent crime against you as horrible as carrying out a desire and intent to murder you.
You can clearly see that the first and last situations are literally the same thing because I can use the same words to describe them, such as “violent”, “crime”, and “murder”. It is an infallible fact that both are murder and criminal.
Not convinced because you can see how large of a leap I had to make between the two? In fact, such a large leap that I myself have to stop and acknowledge it myself?
We’ll be reassured by me giving a vague and easily interchangeable metaphor about intent when in regards to workplace issues of legality, because I’ll just either ignore or spontaneously forget the root of your skepticism that I just acknowledged, that being that my reasoning given thus far is weak, flimsy, and based on word games and jumping to far off, illogical conclusions that are, at best, my personal opinions. I mean, if I were a janitor and I mopped the floor and I put a wet floor sign down at the opposite side of the hall, but my boss doesn’t bother looking around enough to see it or communicating with me who is right next to them and just assumes the floor should be dry and he/she slips and hurts themselves, was my intention good? Sure, but not really because you should have known your boss walks through that particular hall at roughly that time and also your boss technically could fire you despite apparently never informing you of the expected protocols you broke in order to be fired.
^This isn’t a list of reasons that prove your opinion as fact, it’s a laughable attempt to push your opinion, although all give you credit for the skilled bullshitting.
I’ve had a partner who did cheat and for me personally, it was the personal connection with the person he cheated with that was the issue, not that I needed to own his body or sexuality exclusively. That same partner did try to own my sexuality and my body exclusively and it was not right, loving, or healthy in any way. My personality naturally lends to being the master of my own sexuality, for me exuding the charm and a sauve demeanor that makes up a key component of my personality sometimes comes across as flirtatious or seductive and many people find me attractive, not to be conceited. I’m also unapologetically proud of my body that I work hard to maintain, I wear form flattering clothing and in the summer I wear shorts and bikinis and while I blush and walk on when my physique is complimented by the abrupt cat-call on the street, I don’t take offense to the attention this gets me. My ex did not like this, insisted I didn’t wear shorts or summer dresses, not even around the house, and that I not talk to men or women who complimented me too much without him there and, even then, was limited on how much interaction I could have. If I did not abide and suppress my very nature, he would become violently jealous and possessive. I hated being repressed for perceived possibilities of indiscretions that I had no intention of happening, much like a woman repressing a man natural urge to masturbate to porn because it’s the precived notion that he’s imagining having sex with that porn actress or “digital prostitute”, as it’s so ignorantly put in this article. Watching porn isn’t about getting the image of a woman to imagine having sex with, it’s watching a sex act that is completely disembodied from yourself and your life. I myself watch porn and so does my current partner, sometimes we watch together, some times we use it as a tool to lovingly explore what kind of experiences we’d like to try with each other. I never imagine myself having sex with those men and women and, to the best of my knowledge, neither does my significant other; it’s about the act or experience the people were watching are having.
But regardless, feel free to shove you’re pseudoscience and your misdirection word games and your inability to discern fact from opinion and shove it up your a**.
Well, you have certainly offered your opinion! Each of us is entitled to do that. If you disagree with our content, then I simply invite you to head to another website that mirrors your sexual ethics. Pesudoscience and misdirection? We think it’s difficult to ignore a growing line of non-religious people who agree that a porn-free life is just a better life. http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/; https://addictedtointernetporn.com/?author=1; http://www.rebootnation.org;
Please ask your significant other about what the porn does to his thought life. Maybe he’s stronger than I was, mentally, because those experiences stuck to me. Super hard to forget.
I wish you well, Chris
What constitutes cheating is determined by the consenting adults involved in the relationship (however many that may be) and is no business of yours.
Finally. Higher thinking. Is religion not exhausting?
This article on “Is porn cheating”? as Boobleep above me says, is so full of “pseudoscience and misdirection and word games and its inability to discern fact from opinion’………………end quote, that it staggers me that an Organization as “Covenant eyes? can even exist at all and call itself “honest”
Not 1 verse from scripture is used to justify it’s retarded, puritanical outlook on sexuality, and there is a reason for that……It can’t be substantiated from scripture!
This is why no verses from scripture are given, instead, just a man’s opinions, and also why it uses the secular word “cheating” instead of the biblical word ADULTERY….They have to use the word cheating in order to propagate their anti-sexual agenda, as the word ADULTERY as defined by the BIBLE is far too narrow, to allow them to get away with this garbage they are trying to teach here
As the comment section has aptly proved by others in here, the whole foundation of this thread is absolute garbage, and pseudoscience bunk…..we’ve also had clear concise proof from the Greek words ἐπιθυμέω, μοιχεύω that Luke Gilkerson and Covenant Eyes have no idea what they’re talking about, and that they are in clear violation of the word of God for the sin of adding to scripture
Covenant eyes have no comprehension of what the word lust means, and how it is related to “COVET”, and why you cannot divorce the act from intention as they try to do….To accuse others of “cheating” for merely fantasizing about sex with someone else, especially when that person has no intention of committing the act, is an egregious sin that deserves God’s full approbation and wrath
As a Christian I am disgusted at this article and Covenant eyes for being purveyors of a guilt laden, pseudoscience, anti-sexual, puritanical bunch of garbage designed to attack sexuality, and in particular male sexuality under the guise of “pure Christianity”
I dare the administrators of Covenant eyes to not delete my comment because I want others who come to your web site to read my comment and be warned at how sinful this place really is
Thank you for your comment. I don’t mind accepting it at all. Also, your position is a clear lowering of the bar. I think the pharisees and Jewish leaders of Jesus’ time would greatly appreciate your proof texting, your narrow view of lust, and the necessity to link lust with action in order to arrive at something that is despicable in the eyes of a Holy God. From what I can tell from the overall narrative of the Gospels, Jesus made it a common practice to RAISE the bar, detatch action from intention, and say, “hey, look at the heart. What’s really going on in there? If I dig into your heart, you are lusting after that woman, and that’s wrong. Knock it off.” [broad paraphrase of Matthew 5:28] Adding a bit of personal attack toward Luke doesn’t help convince anyone of your position. But, from reading your comments on other blogs and on YouTube (same username), it’s clear that you’re not interested in constructive debate or dialogue. You use the phrase “as a Christian” – I think many of the faithful would find your approach unsettling.
Chris
Amen….
I’m seriously shocked by comments. This is rediculous! So much talk of shame, sin, immorality…
Unfortunately this seems to be what religion does though (closes eyes to inconvenient truths). Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people pursuing their own paths, beliefs, religious views, etc. But all I see here is a bunch of insecure people freaking out about something that should be considered nothing more than a tool to satisfy our more primal needs. Cause let’s get one thing straight. Sex is primal. Primal will always beat out higher thinking or make you miserable fighting it.
My spouse and I are in a committed, monogamous relationship (some may say it’s non-monogamous after reading, but we are 100% sexually exclusive) and work very different shifts (her, 7am to 3pm, me 9am to 9pm). We don’t get to spend a lot of time together which often means gaps in our sex life. Both her and I watch porn relatively regularly and it has 0 negative effect on us.
She uses it when I’m not around, I use it when she’s not around. It helps both of us deal with our desires when the other is not around. There’s less risk of us cheating, and we’re both less stressed not having to worry about whether we are able to fully satisfy one another whenever myself or she needs it. Saying porn is cheating because there’s a real person on the other end doesn’t cover porn very well either. Would cartoon porn not be cheating because it’s not a real person?
I just don’t get it. A relationship is built on trust, right? Trust that your spouse isn’t screwing someone on the side. Trust that they aren’t flirting at work. Trust that they aren’t messaging someone online. I can tell you one thing for sure. If we can’t have sex for a week because of our schedules, I would sure as hell have her look at porn before I’d have her text a coworker.
At the end of the day, people have needs. There’s too much happening in daily life for us to 100% satisfy all of them all the time. Another way to look at it is, sure, he/she on screen is a good looking person, but I don’t know them. I don’t care about them. They have their own lives and honestly, they’re probably pretty shallow people considering they’re in porn. I may enjoy looking st a nice set of boobs, or a great butt, or in my spouses case, a ripped back and nice muscles, but neither of us actually want that. We want each other. We know that and we trust each other. Everyone here who gets butthurt when their spouse looks at porn needs to stop being so selfish and realize that people aren’t doing that to look for an affair. They’re doing it because they don’t want to have an affair, they just wanna yank it and get on with their lives.
Also, heaven and hell are myths, as is god, as is the Holy Spirit. Anyone who makes the argument that it’s a sin and so is wrong, is wrong.
Have been with my husband 18 years. I have been watching porn about the same amount of time. Watching porn does not lead to actual physical cheating. My husband does not watch porn and it’s very rare that I can convince him to watch with me. But he has never and he should never feel like I’m cheating because I watch porn. The only thing porn does is get me very turned on and then we have amazing mind blowing sex. So no I don’t cheat on my husband because I watch porn every day.
Thank you… It’s weird to me the rationalizing and justifying by several men on this comment thread. Look.. Call it what you want.. Cheating, adultery or just getting off to porn., But.. No matter how you look at it, You’re messing around. If you are looking at explicit sexual images on a screen for your own personal sexual gratification, apart from your mate, you are messing around. No need to dissect this article. It’s obvious that it’s infidelity because this extra marital sexual encounter lacks monogamy. You are either sexually monogamous with your mate or you’re not.
I second this. The way men in this thread are twisting themselves to justify it is gross. Let me translate what all the men who excuse porn are actually saying…
“I’m too lazy to evolve into a better man so I’m going to use misogyny as an excuse to not be better.”
It’s really pretty simple ladies, we just need to stop being in relationships with these kinds of men. Let them have all the porn they want – alone – without real intimacy and love in their lives. If women would stop putting up with men who don’t want to be better, they would no longer get the benefits of good women while staying stuck in their outdated ways. They’d be forced to look in the mirror and see that they are miserable as well and want to better for themselves first.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! No one has to be in a relationship where they are being mistreated in any way. Thanks for pointing this out, Jenna!
Luke thank you for this article. I agree with you!
Jenna,
There are men twisting things. But there are also men out there totally sick of women acting like they’re perfect and everything is the man’s fault. Porn may be his weakness or problem, but what are yours? Are you even attempting to fix any of it or is everything his fault?
Communication, communication, communication. If someone is that heated about you watching porn, might not be the right person for you. If you find someone who is fine with you watching it, might be the right person for you. Its hard to call something like this cheating or not cheating. Some people might say its cheating if you have sex with someone who is not your mate. Some people may say its not. Different people have different boundaries for different reasons. So like I said at the end of the day, the couple just needs to communicate.
Hello , since me and my husbabd met i talk to him how i consider porn cheating , he knew this all along , the first year of marriage i discover alot of porn in his phone it broke my heart , i was pregnant we talk and decided he was never going to watch it again , about 3 months later i found out he was doing it again which explain all nights me sleeping by myself and him inside his office ,,my Ex started talking to me and i went along with the conversation we talk about our past , and i didnt feel guilty due to my husband watching porn it was not the rigth thing to do from my part ,eventually he found out about my Ex ,i explain everything to him and we decided to have a fresh start one more time , 5 months ago i find porn again on his cellphone, long days of talk and making our marriage work for our Son and focusing on our marriage i forgive him again ,a week ago i now find out he is talking to a women sexting, and calling her during his lunch break he tells her he wants to rent a hotel and do stuff , i kept my mouth shut for a week i woke up in the middle of the night to find him in the living room watching porn again !!! Finally i have understand that the communication was always there he knew that porn was never welcome in our marriage.and he never care……. it is cheating !! 7 yrs of marriage he watch porn everychance he got ,hiding it from me , we are in the process of getting divorced
ANY Advice
So sorry to hear this. Here is an article that may be helpful. Please let us know if we can do anything else. https://www.covenanteyes.com/2010/10/18/the-sting-of-betrayal-when-your-husband-looks-at-porn/
Comment ? More like a question.
As I have read over and over, again and again. Watching porn and then madterbating is cheating.
It is one thing using porn for self gratification when you’re young or single is one thing but, using it exclusively for arousal and self gratification when you have been with your partner twenty four (24) years and she is lying in bed next to you.
Is this the reason that , although I have been totally manomous in our relationship and more faithful than an old dog, he keeps accusing me of cheating or at least trying to ?
I feel betrayed, I feel that the trust is gone. IM HURT !!!!!!!!
Am I wrong to feel like this ?
It makes me question everything. Am I still atactive ? Does he still love me ? Why is he watching red heads when he says he doesn’t like them and the mother of his daughter is a red head ? Have I lost it (sexually) ? Is he bored with my sex ? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME ? WHY IS HE CHEATING ON ME SO BLATENLY ?
I feel so horrible that I just want to leave him right now and never look back.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.
Hey Barbara,
In regards to his accusations of you cheating, that sounds like a defense mechanism on his part. Shame on the inside often turns into blame on the outside. He’s making these choices which he knows violate the emotional contract of your relationship, he feels ashamed, and in order to deal with his shame, he blames you of the very thing he’s ashamed of doing. Here’s a short animation on defense mechanisms that might help explain more.
Of course your trust is gone: he is not being trustworthy, and it’s unwise to place your trust in an untrustworthy person. In order to regain your trust, it’s his job to make himself trustworthy again, by trustworthy behavior over time.
Of course you are hurt: your partner is repeatedly violating the emotional contract of your relationship.
Nothing is wrong with you.
These are choices he is making.
You are not causing him to make these choices. He could make healthy choices if he wanted.
Here’s what you can do in response to this situation: choose healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries.
Find a therapist who can help you process your emotions and support your healthy boundaries. Find a group for yourself. Access the online resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole for yourself. If you need to leave him in order to be healthy, that is a choice that is open to you. To put it in Christian terms, you are not a slave to sin, not even your partner’s sin. You’ve been set free for freedom and not to be enslaved ever again.
Peace,
Kay
I would like to add a question. What if the wife watches it with him, texts him links to porn she knows he likes they can watch together gives him oral ANYTIME he asks and every morning he wakes up plus has sex anytime he wishes and he has asked her to please try to wake him before she decides to masturbate because he wants the chance to participate and help get her off and she says okay if you don’t watch porn alone and follow the same rule but then while looking at history sees the past two days after them agreeing to this he is still watching it even while sitting next to her? When he can obviously turn it on right in front of her as she would watch with him and or make love since her sex drive is just as high as his?
What about also the wife feeling insecure as he has had many sex partners before her some were not well matched with his looks and much older and he watches MILK genre? Sorry so long and run on sentences I am multi tasking. Thanks in advance any opionion will help for real!
This really becomes about your boundaries. What is healthy for you? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have? You might appreciate this perspective from The Gottman Institute about how porn can damage the intimacy of relationships. Dr. Gottman talks about the emotional trust of a relationship being built on those moments when we notice and attend to our partner. If all your spouse’s attention is on porn, he can’t be attending to the actual relationship in front of him–it’s really that simple. Perhaps it’s time to have that conversation with your husband.
So here’s my situation… I have been married for 25 years. We have 3 beautiful kids that have flown the coop.
It all began… We had a long distance relationship, so we went ahead and married after 2 years of dating, though I was still in college. The plan was for me to continue my education, however, we got pregnant right away. Due to his lack of income, I had to work… no option. Then once the baby was born, I pretty much stayed home (I worked out of our home). Baby #2 & #3 came along and the decision was made to homeschool and stay home to raise our family. Long story short, I homeschooled our kids for 18 years and stayed home and raised them. My career was willingly put off for the sake of giving our kids every advantage we could possibly give them. My husband worked hard to make this possible, however, that also meant he was gone a lot and/or was working after he came home. (He had a variety of jobs along the way… every couple of years until recently… but pretty much the same story… never really “off”. I believe work to be his first love… and he admits to being a workaholic.).
We have had our share of struggles our entire marriage… I blame myself for marrying him in the first place when the warning signs were everywhere. He lied to me about his age when we met… from our beginning, the foundation was laid… a lie. The lies, broken promises, being the last thing on his list was true from our beginning and has continued. I’ve been asked, “why did you marry him?” Well, besides feeling like an idiot now, back then I was young (19yrs) and naive, wanting someone to love me. And I made excuses for him because of his claim of being hurt so badly and being done so wrong in his previous marriage… he had trust issues. I had never been married, but felt so sorry for him that I allowed his misuse of me & our relationship hoping it would change and that he would learn to love and trust me. So we married after a rocky 2 year relationship.
I’ve been asked what drew me to him, so I’ll go ahead and clarify that. It’s a legitimate question. Well, it wasn’t his drinking… it wasn’t his “womanizing” ways (being with different women)… it wasn’t him being a workaholic… it wasn’t him being a divorced man… it wasn’t his mistreatment of me or his lies… (get the picture of why I feel like an idiot?!). Well, idiot or not… I felt sorry for him. I felt that deep down there was a good guy in there somewhere. He’s extremely intelligent, very handsome, extremely poised, mannerly and nicely groomed (always looked so professional & successful)… and was at that time, very successful career-wise. He was mysteriously quiet and was very kind toward me WHEN he found time to be with me and didn’t stand me up (yes, he had stood me up _numerous_ times as well). He was a wounded puppy in my eyes.
So… I was stupid. That’s established.
The first years were ok… we had kids right away so I had lots of hugs and kisses and a channel for my energy and companionship. I poured my heart and soul into them and my husband. I continued to forgive his ongoing constant lies and broken words, hoping things would be different eventually… “surely… he has a family now.” Years past and things escalated as it has become “impossible” to continue forgiving someone who refuses to change his destructive patterns.
That leads us to the last few years. Things have escalated to a level that I believe to be irrepairable. I just don’t know how to muster up any amount of respect for him, more forgiveness, and definitely not trust.
My acceptance and forgiveness… over time has turned to just refusing to accept and refusing to continue to take it. I have done more than my part. When is HE going to make an effort to change these harmful patterns? Why is it always on me?… to just forgive and allow him the next opportunity? My patience for necessary change is GONE. It’s been 25 years. WHY would I have any hope whatsoever for a bright and happy future with this man?
Anyway… back to things escalating… the last few years, the fighting has escalated (& my ability to keep forgiving has diminished / vanished away). In this escalating, he had gotten somewhat physical. Not causing me harm at first… just pushing me down or handling me roughly. Then finally it had escalated to him punching me in the face and breaking my nose. The fighting that day was so intense, I was trying to run away from him… I ran in the bedroom and tried to shut the door, but he forced his way in and ran up and hit me. At that point, I ran in the closet, and he left. I lied there on the floor bleeding and “dying” inside. He left. To say I was devastated is a gross understatement. I just knew there was no way I could possibly forgive this. Mainly because anytime he does anything, he excuses it or makes it my fault. There was no way my heart was prepared to hear any likes of that! So I just wanted out. No talking through it because I knew he would take that opportunity to hurt me further… and I couldn’t take anymore.
After this happened, we lived under the same roof, but he didn’t come around me. I was left ALONE for around a month or so. No apology… no affection… no attention… no communication… nothing.
I need to insert that my belief about divorce is from a conservative viewpoint. I believed that the only Biblical reason for divorce was adultery. Had he cheated on me? Not to my knowledge… nor did I truly believe he had. So this was tough. Do I stay in what is now a physically abusive marriage? I just didn’t see how I could, but I didn’t see a way out either.
Things continued to worsen… the fighting continued and led to a 4.5 month abandonment. I was ALONE. In some ways, it was welcomed… at least it was peaceful. But the loneliness was just about more than I could bear. It started in early June… he again lived in “his” side of the house… he didn’t come around. He stayed out late most nights, usually until after midnight & would leave the next morning. There was no communicating (other than what was necessary & what I believed I needed to as long as I was married to him), no contact physically, emotionally,.. not even eye contact. Literally… he didn’t even look at me when we crossed paths. If you can imagine not seeing or talking or touching your spouse for 4.5 months… that’s basically what it was. When my birthday rolled around in late Oct, I was going out of town to see our older daughter to spend it with her (to make the best of it). Well, I had let him know I was going, and he hid a box of perfume in the car for my daughter to get out & give me when I got there. Oh, how romantic he looked! “Isn’t he thoughtful?!”
Let me back up for a moment… You see… I have never once shared with our kids any of the struggles we have had. In fact, my belief was that I should always nurture a healthy relationship between our them and their dad. I should never speak ill of him. Rather, I should esteem him and show respect (whether I truly did or not). I always promoted his good qualities and drew attention to them. I would gather our kids and we would have prayer for him while he would be working. I prayed blessings on him…etc… I TRIED SO HARD… why?… THINKING it was the right thing to do and God would bless it. Just keep doing my part. God would surely bless my efforts, right? He knows the hidden things that no one else does. And I took them to HIM (God)… not to our children or anyone else. I always spoke highly of him to others… I was his cheerleader.
What did I reap? Well, our children adore him, as I’d hoped they would. And well… every problem that has come to light is- my fault. Why is it my fault? Because my husband HAS gone to our kids and put me in a bad light with them. Needless to say… I’m pretty bitter.
Now back to my birthday weekend. I was less than thrilled with his “set up”. Privately, I’m the last thing on his list. Efforts are non-existent. But in front of them, he always puts on a show. I guess I didn’t hide things as well as I used to… it was getting harder. And all my daughter saw was me seeming a bit “ungrateful”… Though I had tried to verbally express how thoughtful that was to her. (Later I learned that she and he had talked about it… and of course, he told her a lie about why I was less than excited about it…. making me out to just be ungrateful). Oh sure… it had nothing to do with the fact that this man hasn’t shown his face around me since June (4.5 months)! Giving no effort whatsoever for his marriage or me! I’d been abandoned!… but of course, he didn’t want to mention that. He KNEW what the issue was.
Anyway… it had been over 4 months. On my way home, I begged God for my marriage. I begged for my husband to be there and for God to just show me something. If not, I was prepared to walk away (again). I had already kept going more than I thought I could… and I was just so done. How can I possibly keep going? How could he do the things he’s done… and now abandon me?! Well, when I got home, I was devastated to find him gone. My prayers must have bounced off the ceiling.
He knew what day I was coming home, but he chose his usual late night away. So… At that point, I was set in my heart that I would be at the courthouse the following morning. He may not have cheated on me (that I know of), but I just can’t keep taking this. And with that came the agonizing reality that my marriage was over. That our family was broken. That all my efforts were for naught. That this man that I gave my everything to never loved me. It was a pain so deep and agonizing, I just wanted to die. Well… My groaning & uncontrollable anguish was heard when he came home, and he hurried to me. He begged to take me away. He held me (finally!). He spoke to me (finally!). He looked at me (finally!). He appeared to actually care for the first time in sooooo long. I do sort of feel like – why now? Why did it have to come to this?
Well, maybe I shouldn’t have, but I grasped at the possibility that this was an answer to my prayer. I finally, reluctantly, agreed to go away with him. He actually put other things off and quickly pulled together a trip for the next morning! That spoke to me. I had prayed and begged God for a miracle and by the end of that trip, I chose to believe- this was my (our) miracle!
Because I truly wanted to believe God for this miracle, I was able to muster up some hope, and I poured everything I had into making sure that the past was behind us and only a bright future would be ahead. I tried. Hard. And… I continued to forgive… again. And then… again. And again… and again… and again… Eventually the reality set in that nothing had really changed on his end. The same lies, empty broken words, etc. continued.
Then later, our marriage took another pounding. It was a few days after our anniversary. He stays so busy and literally days pass without hardly any communication… sometimes weeks. I had been needing to sit down with him to go over some things and just talk (I’m back in school, my mom had just died of cancer… things were crazy for me) and he had kept telling me he would. But he kept putting me off. Finally, I tried to nail him down on a time that would work for him so that we could hopefully have a plan in place. I needed him. So, he set a time and committed that he would not put me off again. He told me he would have everything else in place and would meet with me for an extended lunch time (starting at 11am). He was working from home that day, and I came to see him at 11. He wasn’t ready. I waited until around 11:30… he wasn’t ready. At that point, I pointed out that once again, he was not keeping his word with me. And this time, I let him know I expected him to. I had already been patient, giving him some extra time, but he needed to just sit down with me like he said he was going to do. I did this in a calm & rational manner, just trying to get him to understand, and he exploded! He threw his brief case down and yelled, “Fine! Let’s talk!”, but then he proceeded to pick everything up, pack up his computer, and walked out. Once again… I’m completely devastated.
A couple of hours later, I ran across his iPad and decided to pick it up and see what I might find (he had lied to me about something he had sold… and I knew it, but had no proof for (he has his own bank acct).) And sure enough, I found an email that showed he had sold it for 6x what he had told me.
Then I thought I’d run through his internet browsing history. I’m a complete “tech-tard”, so I have no idea how this works, but apparently they were synced, because I could see that he had left our home and gone to his office to watch porn. (couldn’t keep his commitment to talk with me though). He had viewed at least a half a dozen sites or so at that point. Then I saw where he had been watching porn the day before that… and the day before that. There were 3 days that he hadn’t watched it and when I looked at the dates, I realized it was the 3 days we had just been visiting NYC (& our kids were there, too) for a college graduation and our wedding anniversary. So… from the time we got on the plane to the time we got back, he hadn’t watched any. However, this made sense to my wondering why he was cold and distant that whole trip… even our anniversary… he went to bed cold and distant… not even a snuggle. Things had been pretty icy, but I was hoping the get-away, being together with our family, and it being our anniversary would draw us together. But now I knew why it didn’t.
The history only went back about a week and a half… (I’m not sure why it only went back that far… still don’t know)…. and he had watched it (multiple videos a day, sometimes as many as a dozen or so) every single day except when we were out of town and Sunday, when we go to church. And some how he figured out that “weird things were happening”, because after about an hour, the devices were unsynced. No history ever came in after that. But I knew enough… almost 2 weeks worth. Once again… I was completely devastated. I can’t keep doing this.
Our relationship was already cold and distant, so nothing really changed there. The first step I took… I talked to 2 friends to see if they could tell me any “reason” this could have happened OTHER than him actually viewing it. Two reasons for this… I KNEW he would make some sort of excuse and try to lie his way out of it. But I also wanted desperately for it not to be true! Is it possible that this is on his history without him viewing porn?! I wanted to believe that maybe it’s possible. Neither of my confidants could find a different solution. They both gently told me that this is just a harsh reality.
My reaction after a couple of days of processing was… I have been devastated by this man for the last time. NOW, as far as I’m concerned… HE HAS cheated on me, and this is the last straw. In my mind… I thought maybe God was giving me my way out. God knew what I had been going through all these years… maybe He allowed this so I’d be free. My plan was a hard and decisive move forward with divorce. I could now do so with a clear conscience (Biblically… in the case of adultery). I went to the courthouse and picked up the thick pack of papers I needed to fill out & return. I then made the most difficult phone call of my life and told the kids that I was divorcing their daddy. I had a clear conscience about it, but I knew that this would be “all my fault” in their eyes.. I’m tearing our family apart since I’m the one filing. (which I have reason to believe has been his plan or desire). And at this point, I was prepared to accept that. Obviously because I felt I had no option, but also… Because honestly, I couldn’t bear to hurt them even more with the ugly truth. I had zero desire to throw them in the middle of our problems. It’s not their fault, nor does it have anything to do with them (in regards to them being part of the issues). Nor did I want to hurt anyone… I truly didn’t… I just wanted PEACE. Nor did I want any “sin” set before them as a stumbling block (I wanted to allow no room for satan to catch any of them in a weak moment & try to justify it with, “my dad (who plays the Christian card so well) has even done this”.). And besides all of that, I was so “lost” and confused about life at this point, I just wanted to take the safest steps possible. The less I would say in that state, I felt probably the better. I just feel like… when you have no clue what to do or say… say nothing until you’re out of the fog… and just take ALL the yuk to God. I responded with just wanting to say only what I needed to or had to… and I just drew up into my Father’s lap.
Well…. the kids asked if I’d be willing to wait… to put it off for the sake of trying any last efforts that we may not have tried. (they also added, “if you aren’t willing to exhaust all efforts, then you’re just throwing our family away without even trying”). Well… we had tried counseling… time and time again… to no avail. They wanted more… and they wanted their dad to get his annual check-up since he was past due (I had had mine). Etc. So I agreed to wait as long as things were progressing with what they wanted. (in the end, things didn’t pan out this way).
So here we were… I truly did not know what to do other than exist. I’m just here. I certainly didn’t want to confront my husband about the porn! I didn’t know how to handle the pain of it. And again… especially adding his lies or twisting or whatever path he would take to explain it away… I couldn’t take that on top of everything else. I just needed to process and exist and pray.
This I knew… I truly never WANTED to be divorced! I never wanted for our family to fall apart! I never wanted ANY of this!
I, once again, begged God to take and use this as an opportunity for good… that God would convict him to the point that he would actually come to me!.. and confess what he’s done. Something that would perhaps BUILD trust instead of the continual destruction of trust. He has so destroyed my trust, couldn’t he just possibly do something for once to build it?! I decided to wait and allow God to work in this man… to hopefully bring him to the place where we can actually build “something”. I waited… and waited… weeks.
** (backing up… He didn’t know that I knew anything, but we fought so much, and when I found out about the porn, I had just told him that I’d had enough. I was done. So, he didn’t realize the porn was an issue. Again, I just didn’t have the strength to confront that. So, during the first part of this time, knowing I was asking for a divorce… he began his “positioning” for divorce. He began going behind my back and told the kids things that were only “half-truths” (lies) to put me in a bad light. He did the same with my dad (mind you, I had just lost my mom and he’d just lost his wife.) He wouldn’t see me or talk to me… nothing). But finally, he had a bit of a change of heart… he finally came around and wanted to “try”.)
Well… as I said, I had agreed (with the kids) to wait on this divorce. While waiting, I tried to gently prod him. After a few days of waiting, I started saying from time to time, things like, “If you ever have something you need to share, please do”, “If there is anything you need to tell me, just know that honesty will only build trust. And it’s best for us”, “If you’re totally honest with me, no matter the situation, that is the best way to build trust and respect”, “please talk to me if you have something you need to share”…. etc. I would say things such as this about once a day or every other day… I thought for sure he would get the idea that I knew something. But every time I would say something like this, he would respond with, “No, it’s all good.” Or “No, I can’t think of anything.” Every single time.
I should also add… The other impact it had on me during this time was I didn’t want him touching me or looking at me (undressed). I just couldn’t handle being compared to his “pixel queens”. He had been viewing women from college age and up… boobs, butts, v@gin@s, intercourse, orgies, orga$ms… all the parts… you name it… the whole kit & caboodle. I wanted NOTHING to do with him physically… and this time, I didn’t even want his eyes. I would fail miserably by comparison, no doubt.
A couple of weeks of waiting had passed and he had a business trip and wanted me to go. I resisted the idea. No way was I going to be trapped in a hotel room with this man… no space for “my space”. But he tried to assure me this would be good for us and maybe we could talk. Talk? Hm… ok. So, I agreed to go if he would agree to separate beds. He agreed. So we went, and I was hoping maybe this would be the “trust-building” time we needed.
We got there and he did his work stuff and said we could talk after his last meeting. I reminded him that honesty was by far the best policy and the only way to build trust…. and that if he had anything he needed to share, he could do so and I’d be prepared to accept whatever it may be. As long as he’s honest. Well… he came back from his meeting and didn’t really have a lot to say for quite a while. So finally, I tried to open the door by asking him, “Is there something you need to tell me?” And he replied with this… “I think I know why you keep saying that. And I want to share this with you… I’ve been getting pop-ups on my computer and I couldn’t figure out why. So I called my internet provider to try to fix the issue and they said that someone had broken through my firewall and had been using my internet… and he was obviously watching porn on my internet, and that’s the reason I was getting the pop-ups.” I questioned who and he proceeded to explain that “it had to be the guy next door to my office or the one below me. But I believe it’s the guy next door to mine. And anyway, I spent about 3 hours with them on the phone and it’s fixed.” I asked, “When was this?” He gave me a timeframe and it was _before_ our trip to NYC. So I questioned, “So you had pop-ups? Did you open them?” He said that he did not open them… “but when I saw the pop-ups, I PERHAPS lingered over them a little longer than I should have”. (yes, he said “perhaps”). I questioned, “how long?” He said no more than maybe 10 seconds. I went on to question how long this went on and he said “just a day… when it started happening, I got on the phone to get it fixed.” I said, “And it got fixed?” His response was, “Yes, it got fixed… it took about 3 hours, but it got handled. It doesn’t happen anymore.”
Needless to say, I knew he was as much a lying fool as he’d ever been. Trust was further destroyed… if that’s even possible. How can I ever trust or respect this man… ever?! Anyway… all I knew to do at that point was to pretend to accept it as truth. I had no idea how to handle this. So… I thanked him for his honesty. I thanked him for telling me and opening up about it. I also ended with… “If there’s ever more to the story, please come to me and talk to me. Honesty is so important in a marriage.” He thanked me and said he would. (it never happened).
At that point, I did ponder his explanation to see if there would be ANY truth I could get out of it (everything he says is suspect and can’t be trusted… but I want to know the truth)… and I spent the next couple of days…. hours on the phone, researching with Apple, Google, and leads that I had gotten to explore and gain research off the internet about his claim. His claim from all I could gather… was not even possible.
But what an elaborate lie!… it sounded almost believable. My friend rightfully pointed out that he had really thought this through. This was not an off-the-cuff lie. He had PLANNED out this lie and carried it out to the best of his ability.
So… I continued to just exist… I didn’t know what else to do. Just get through each day as it comes. Wake up, make it the best you can, and go to bed. And keep doing that. I continued to not want any physical contact with him… nor his eyes. I knew the truth. But now… not only did I know about the porn, but he added poison to the wound… his lies! It’s just worse. It just seems this man has no conscience. He wants me here to keep house, be here for his needs… that’s it.
Well, a couple of more weeks passed when he had another business trip. Again, he wanted me to go. To be honest, this time I just felt like I needed the time away. This trip, he would be staying at a fine resort on the ocean and working long hours. So… I made the same deal with him… 2 beds and I’ll go. He agreed.
We got there, and it was a gorgeous king suite. But under the circumstances, I was not a happy camper. But this time, he was truthful in trying to get the 2 beds. I called the front desk and asked to be switched, and she apologized and said that this was the only room they had left… and it was an upgrade, so she was hoping that we would be happy with that. Then… my husband surprised me by saying… “if you want, I’ll be glad to sleep on the couch.” Thinking this was one of his sly moves (that I’d turn into putty with his kind offer), I agreed and told him he could take the couch. I truly didn’t think he meant it, but he willingly made his bed. What I would give if we could get through issues and have healing for my marriage! I asked him if we could sit down and talk and he said yes. He said he’d skip a meeting and get done early the next day so we could have time to talk. He did! So the next day, I sat him down and showed him the screen shots I took from his iPad, showing his history and said, “I want you to look at what I found on your iPad. Anything you want to say?” At that point, he was like a deer in headlights and obviously had no argument. The proof was staring him in the face. He finally admitted he had been watching porn. (what else COULD he do though). He admitted to as much as I could prove. Is there more to it? Given the long ugly history with this man, I’d have to say… Most likely.
The next twist… (which I believe wholeheartedly is another lie). That iPad had almost 2 weeks worth of history on it and one mistake I made was sharing all of it with him… he saw what I saw. I showed all my cards. (I even told him what I found out in my research. And he admitted that he’d searched it out and watched it.) Well, he replied with the “promise” that he had ONLY viewed porn on those days that it showed on his iPad. He says it had not happened anytime before that first day shown, nor any day after the last one shown (mind you I didn’t confront this for over a month & the device was suddenly un-synced within a couple of hours of my discovery… and never showed ANY history after that… why?). So… he claims the ONLY time he had ever viewed porn was what I saw on his history…. multiple times a day almost every single day for nearly 2 weeks. But no more. Never before & never since. NOTHING in me believes that. What is your thought on this?
Time has passed. He seemed remorseful. He’s made his promises and we put the “safe-guards” in place, using Covenant Eyes accountability software. (however, there’s always a way around this… he has his own bank account and his own downtown office to which I have no key. Anybody can buy more devices). But he “appears” to be making some efforts.
Months have now passed and there are small improvements. Very small. But truthfully, most days I just feel like I have to resign myself to the way things are. For the sake of our family… for the sake of testimony… for the sake of nearly 30 years (and the precious moments sprinkled in those). And age… and fears… and honestly, at this point, I just don’t know how I’d ever love again… but I don’t want to die alone. There are still days (a lot!) that I don’t know how I can keep going… keep staying in this. But as of yet, I’m here. Truthfully, I just don’t see a happily ever after as even a remote possibility. So… I still consider the possibility of what may happen. It’s just so hard, and I live a day at a time…. not really knowing how long I can keep going. A day at a time.
The impact of porn has been huge. After trying to work through the blow of all this, it took some time to be intimate. I’m not sure what “normal” is, but for me… I joined a gym. I went online and made purchases for “night apparel”. Though people have repeatedly told me I look about 20 years younger than I am, and I’m not seen as overweight, I certainly didn’t feel pretty. In fact, I felt UGLY!…At least in my husband’s eyes. I’m obviously not enough. And I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be enough. And I just feel like I obviously didn’t measure up in his eyes. As long as I’m here and we’re trying to live through life together… I’d truly love nothing more than healing… STILL. I imagine no one can be married to a man for 30 years and be ok with his eyes being for other women. So anyway… that’s what I did. Normal? I wonder.
And it gets uglier… let’s just say, I have now put all my “night apparel” purchases in storage. It did not help.
Things aren’t really any better. We struggle. A LOT. I still catch him in lies. I still come in last place. He’s still a workaholic. He still puts forth so little effort. He still does things that cause further mistrust, even as recent as yesterday (it’s truly commonplace). I don’t know the future, though I’d like to. And I’d love nothing more than complete and total healing. Is it really even possible???
Well, I think healing is possible for YOU, because you want it.
But I don’t think that healing ever gets forced upon someone if they don’t want it, and it sounds to me like your husband is fine with the status quo, and has no desire for healing. I don’t think you can force someone into healing, I don’t think God forces people into healing. It really has to be their choice.
Now, I personally believe that you were free to go the first time your husband laid his hands on you. I’m sorry I don’t have a scripture verse for this, but I am 10,000% sure that a loving God is not okay with you being beaten up, any time, ever. Anybody who tries to use the Bible to prove that you can’t leave an abuser needs to get himself a millstone or two IMO. Here’s an article that might help you, called A High View of Marriage Includes Divorce.
But that’s not really the issue here. The issue is that your kids are under his spell (very common with abusers) and you’ve been convinced that it’s all your fault and that if you were “enough” he would behave this way (also very common with abusers).
Please find yourself a therapist who can help you process all this, and figure out how to be healthy. You absolutely can have healing. I hope you will find a therapist and get on that path today.
Peace,
Kay
You forgot the last step. Using your imagination. Is that cheating? Logically it would be, especially if you’ve ever seen any porn.
What if I watch porn with my wife?
I also feel like it’s cheating. My girlfriend said initially when we started dating that she also doesn’t watch porn. Then it came out later that she does watch ‘anime’ porn. She feels it’s not the same. I’m struggling with the thought.
We really need to stop having this blamed on men only. It’s next to impossible for a husband struggling with his wife’s addiction to porn to find help or support. Let alone find articles written from that perspective. It frustrating and demoralizing. The number of women watching porn is growingat a faster rate than men. Even though the percentage of men is still higher. Women have cut that deficit in half. It hurt husbands as much as wives.
How about men stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage? No one seems to care.
Looking at pornography is not something God would do,can you picture God doing this? Absolutely not, it is a sin, stop trying to excuse it away.
If I walked into my home and found my husband with a naked woman do you think it would be ok as long as he wasn’t touching her, but he was masturbating while looking at her? Seriously, it is not any different at all to look at pornography, it is the same, wrong.
I do not believe that any person who has an addiction to pornography can look at a woman or man in everyday situations without looking at them with lust because you are so programmed to look at others that way. You cannot have normal relationships with others.
Pornography ruins marriages, families and people. Not only that but you are sinning against God and other including the people in the pornographic site. Little children are horribly abused this way, you help to contribute to this. God’s law is love, love does not hurt others in this way.
I hope you people who do this get the help you need before you have stand before God to give an account of your life. Repent. See this thru God’s eyes because He sees everything you and it written in His books.
In terms of the comments that I have read regarding the legality of porn use and divorce laws.
I did not leave my first husband for his admitted 34-year porn/sex “Obsessive, out-of-control addiction” (his words to me) until (17) years after I first found his porn evidence. He stated that he was not willing to get help or stop this marriage-killing behavior. His porn use was highly progressive in nature.
I filed for divorce with the “just cause” being under the umbrella of “inappropriate martial behavior” that includes common term adultery. There was vast 3-party evidence presented in court. I was awarded the divorce on the basis of inappropriate martial behavior. This was in 2014.
Do I think that because porn is the norm, that state laws will be revised to exclude porn as inappropriate marital behavior…absolutely yes. It’s a matter of time.
What about pleasing yourself to pictures of your spouse? That cheating?
Look guys bottom line To sum all of this confrontation up respectfully towards men and women who are having troubles with this topic is this …. watching and participating in sexual activity regardless of lusting or being physically involved outside of your vowed covenant is a sin Yes!!! & does God condone it No!! but your born into sin nature Jesus wasn’t stupid back then and he isn’t today he knew that this would happen it’s called battling your flesh and the enemy but Jesus he’s the way the truth and the life and only through him can your sins be forgiven he’s not looking for a perfect human being in the manor of what the world says should be perfect but a simple and kind hearted individual who strives hard to walk in his teachings and light is all he seeks out it’s not by your good works that you can make it in to heaven in which is the whole purpose of life anyways lol but that’s a different subject for another discussion guys 😄 but truthfully let’s be honest yes it’s a sin yes it’s capable of doing harm to your marriage but bottom line for the ladies is this who is it that your putting your trust in to fix your problems is it other people? or is it God? The Bible says lean not to your on understanding but to cast your cares on to him and he will direct your path that’s all you need ladies that’s what matters in the end because no one on this earth can fix this matter but God anyway that’s a work that is caused for deep wound cleaning in that mans heart and mind that only Jesus can rid of .. you just keep loving your spouse and praying for a change of heart and mind for him vows where taken up and meant to be kept through think & thin for better or for worse through sickness and in health and honestly ladies all this problem really is is sickness trust me Gods got this in control keep praying and staying faithful 😏 and fellas I can’t sit here and tell you that I’m without sin because I’m not.. sure I’ve done that in the past but I had to realize that before I could see how it may have been hurting my spouse…how could it possibly be doing harm to me and my life and what good was coming from it if any which there wasn’t.. any good found in this act.. i mean yes In my mind it wasn’t actually cheating if I wasn’t physically involved with the women who I may had been viewing but I can’t say I didn’t feel it in my heart that it wasn’t right either..deep down I knew and it got to the point where I began to realize that damage was already done when I gave in to my flesh and thoughts about even pursuing this activity and there was most importantly the realization that what I did was going against who God is..he is Love and His commandments are meant for his followers they should be kept as sacred laws..& that alone was enough for me to drop down to my knees in repentance turning away from wickedness and unrighteousness but just because it happened so soon for me to stop my share of this doesn’t mean that your time has come just because someone says stop 🛑!! That has to be a personal choice with your own act of free will and feeling of conviction to cease this not saying not to consider your wife’s feelings about your behavior that’s very important to do but bottom line God is in control you don’t half to answer to anyone but God he’s the true Judge and the complete jury no women or man has that power to past sentence on your salvation only Jesus does his ways are not are ways and his thoughts are not our thoughts 💭 so go to him and seek counseling and forgiveness and you will find truth!!! God is always accurate and his love never fails🙏
In my opinion porn is not cheating but as with all things it is in the eye of the beholder. If a person is not overly religious and does not see the act of self gratification immoral or wrong then in their mind it is not. The same can be said of religious people they think that it is wrong and is considered cheating so in their mind they are right.
So the question of whether or not watching porn is cheating is fundamentally impossible to answer. It’s like the question of what came first the chicken or the egg.
I know that people will read this and think why does this have to be for or against religion. The answer is that it doesn’t because I’m sure there are alot of non religious people that view porn as cheating. With that being said we all have our own opinion that is based on how we live our lives and our experiences that we base right from wrong.
In my experience I have come across alot of people from all walks of life and I have noticed that most of the religious people I know try to cram the biblical rhetoric down everyone’s throats and I think that anything they say is biased because my view of life differs from theirs. I believe in God however my version of God and religion differs from most so what I think is most likely going to be viewed as blasphemy or nonsense……. I can rant forever about this so let me get to the point.
Is watching porn cheating…. NO.
Is watching porn cheating…. YES.
In my opinion the act of cheating is any sexual contact with another person outside of a relationship or marriage. Sexual contact is not just intercourse it can be hand jobs or kissing or many other things of that nature.
My advice to men or women that catch their significant other watching porn is to talk to them about why they do it and find a solution to it. Including but not limited to giving them more sexual contact because most married men including myself know that once you get married and then have kids the wife is more likely to withhold sex and there needs to be some form of release from that emotion.
So jerk off if it helps or dont who give a crap.
To all the men who read this don’t let anyone make you think your abnormal.. God gave all men that desire… He put it in to our DNA … learning how to control it is what all men deal with … women know men are attracted, society understands this, psychologist understand human desires, yet there are those who still try to make men feel ashamed quilts and use their own nature against them … If you watch porn ask yourself one question what are you gaining from it… Then ask yourself this question can you control it… Then ask yourself this question is there another person that this effects… What other need are you fixing other than your biological need, if it’s sonething to do with your definition of being a man then you need to work that out….If it’s pure sexual gratification than part of being a real man is self control..
Well said. We don’t need to shame men, especially those living in agonizing married celibacy where the wife doesn’t want him. He’s stuck in a hard place.
My fiancé was watching porn for the first year of our relationship and lying to me about it almost everyday. I don’t know what to do we are supposed to get married in 80 days and my heart hurts.
Hey there. This is such an important decision, not something to take lightly. Of course you are always able to remove yourself from marriage to a sex addict, but that’s a big deal in so many ways. Better, if you can, to assess honestly on the front end and take more time if you need to.
One big question to consider is this: Is he taking responsibility for himself with his porn use? What is he doing to deal with this issue? Is he doing it voluntarily, taking the lead, being responsible for himself? Is he in therapy? Does he have friends he’s honest and open with, voluntarily? Are all his devices monitored?
Some other important questions: How was his porn use discovered? How did he respond to the discovery?
Then think about his empathy level: How does he respond to your pain? Is he empathetic, kind, caring? Is he able to listen and hear you out without blaming you or becoming defensive?
The answers to those questions should provide some guiding light in your decision-making process.
You might also appreciate these articles on boundaries: here, and here. And here’s a Facebook Live interview I did a while back that might be helpful as well.
You’ll hardly meet a young man today who doesn’t have serious porn use as part of his story. Our culture has told men that it’s bad to feel anything (big boys don’t cry, be a man), and then our culture has told men that they’re going to act out sexually, just automatically as the only coping skill available (boys will be boys) and then our culture has placed a phone in every young man’s hand with all the porn they’ll ever need in order to cope.
The real question is: does he take responsibility for this mess he’s been born into? Is he doing the work that it takes to learn better coping skills? Does he have empathy for you?
I hope that helps,
Kay
Of course looking at porn isn’t cheating. Only a moron would think that.
If your wife refuses sex on a regular basis perhaps its justifiable. If a wife is going to break her side of the vows then why would a husband feel guilty for masturbating to porn. Wife has given her rights up. Marriage is about looking after each other’s needs. When this doesn’t happen the partner’s whose needs aren’t met will look elsewhere. If your religious and your in an arranged marriage its tough and there can be a missmatch in libido. Once you made your marital vows you owe it to yourself and partner to not give up and divorce. If masturbating helps to keep your marriage together possibly its worth it? I think this is down to opinion and right and wrong answer.
It certainly feels like cheating for me. Mine emphatically declared porn was bad, told me I was the only woman he wanted to ever see, and because we started dating at age 18 it felt like something we could have, only ever having each other. Well 19 years, 3 kids later, I have now discovered that he’s been using it off and on the entire time – by his estimates only 100-200 times. I am sick over it. I don’t think I can forgive this. If it were and in person affair I would have kicked him out instantly. But now I’m in some kind of hell, not wanting to start over, not wanting to put our kids through this, not wanting to throw away all the hard work I’ve done creating this home. I am so angry and so hurt, all while he’s acting penitent, going to confession, swearing it didn’t mean anything other than a rush. I don’t believe any of it. Why are we supposed to feel bad that they are addicted? Even if they were – they still wanted to see other women’s bodies. They still masturbated to other women’s bodies. They still wanted someone other than us. How are we ever, ever supposed to overcome that and allow them to look at us again?
Hey Liz,
Betrayal trauma is a reality for many women. The online resources at Bloom for Women can be incredibly helpful as you care for yourself in the aftermath of this discovery. Restoration of trust is a slow process, and you are allowed to be exactly where you are in that process. How the relationship looks a year from now or ten years from now is all about your trauma recovery, his work in recovery, and the healthy boundaries that you set according to the reality of your situation as it unfolds (here, here, and here are some articles on boundaries).
I hope those things help give some direction,
Kay
Ladies, if you’re not having sex with your husband because he’s not “doing everything right”, you’re actually trying to control and extort his behavior with sex. I will get in trouble for this because the man is always wrong as we’re all taught, but that is no excuse for neglecting your husband.
“Betrayal trauma is a reality for many women.”
Indeed..
There was a time when I struggled with this notion that because I didn’t actually ‘sleep with a woman’, that it’s not the same thing as ‘adultery’ we find in scripture.
But here’s the thing: it kinda doesn’t matter.. the damage to my wife’s heart is as real as if I had.. And that’s the plain truth of the matter.
I recently discovered my boyfriend of 5 years has been watching porn on a regular basis. At one point it was for 9 hours straight.. He would even watch it in another room while I was there. Get up in the middle of the night and go into another room and watch it. It really hurts me badly. When I tried talking to him about it, he says he’s just seeing if “it” still works. Although he is in his 50’s I don’t see this a problem.. When I try to talk to him about it to tell him how it makes me feel,, he says I’m making this all about me and that I’m the one acting like a victim. I just don’t know what to do or who to talk to.. God bless
Hey Lisa,
It sounds to me like it’s time to establish some boundaries. What is okay with you? What is not okay with you? You’ve tried to talk with him about this, he hasn’t responded with care for your feelings. Instead, he’s gaslighting you. All you can do is take responsibility for yourself at this point. Here, here, and here are some articles that should be helpful.
You might also appreciate the online community at Bloom for Women, where there are numerous resources and forums you can participate in.
No matter what he chooses, you can choose to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
Thank you Kay for the words of encouragement. I will check these forums out. God bless
Lisa
My husband has been masturbating since right after we got married. Well, before, but I thought when we got married he would have me and not do that anymore. He started with a JC Penney catalog way back when. We were married for almost 27 years and were just divorced this year. We hadn’t had sex much while married and not since 1998. One time in the last year that he did have sex with me he had sex when I was drugged up on pain meds and didn’t know it was happening. I felt as though I had been raped by him. He has spent years verbally and emotionally abusing me, has withheld sex and only taken care of himself in this manner. I’m being condemned for divorcing him by my family and being told that I can never marry again because I didn’t divorce for reasons allowed in the Bible. My brother has been questioning my salvation because of my divorce. I’ve been crushed over and over by those around me. I haven’t told them of the sexual things that he has done because I felt as though that was private and not anyone’s business but I feel as though I should. I’m trying to figure out if this was Biblical grounds for divorce or if I am to be condemned. Am I wrong for divorcing?
Shelly,
You are not wrong for divorcing.
In fact, I would say that you are RIGHT for divorcing an emotionally, verbally, sexually abusive man who raped you.
You know why “God hates divorce?” Because in biblical times, divorce was a death sentence for women. They would be left destitute, without any way of supporting themselves. Divorce in that day was the ultimate form of abuse.
How horribly ironic that the very biblical principles meant to protect women from abuse are today use to PROMOTE abuse, by forcing women to remain in the kind of hell that you just described.
Here and here are a couple of articles that might be helpful as you think this through.
I am so, so, so grateful that you had the courage and wisdom to leave that marriage. I am so sorry that your family continues to abuse you spiritually and emotionally.
I hope you know that God loves you and would never tell you that you’re not allow to marry again, simply because you had the misfortune to marry an abuser the first time around. This isn’t addressed in the bible, simply because women in that day did not have the freedom to leave an abuser. They could not initiate a divorce, they were simply the victims of it.
Thank you for coming here to share your story. May other women be inspired by your courage.
Peace to you,
Kay
I know this is a late reply, but yes, you clearly had grounds for divorce. I’m so sorry to hear this and I’m very tender for you. I hope you do share the reasons behind your divorce with those who condemn you for divorcing your ex-husband. What happened to you is YOUR story, and you can share as many details about your story as you wish, even if it means that some ugly details about your ex are involved. As far as your brother questioning your salvation – those judgments are really about him and have nothing to do with you. It’s easy for me to say, but who cares what your brother thinks about your salvation – it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you and God. Hang in there – there’s a great book called ‘The Soul of Shame’ that I would highly recommend to you. It’s a very good read.
I see porn as cheating. Several years ago, while still dating my partner we had a wonderful sex life, then by accident I was searching my google internet history and found extensive porn viewing. I felt betrayed and had several conversations with my partner about this. He would swear off the porn but in time would always slip up and forget to close browser windows etc. By this time,looking at time stamps and the number of times he accessed the sites I had come to the conclusion that he had a serious porn addiction problem and despite speaking to him, the lies continued. So I have lost all interest in sex and our sex life is non existent. His loss. He crossed a line after I gave him many, many chances and I told him how I feel, he was being sneaky about it and lieing, so all trust has been destroyed. To this day he continues to watch his porn several times a day and he doesn’t think that I know.
I have a question: Is using/owing a dildo without watching porn considered cheating or a sin? I genuinely don’t know. Thank you for any advice!
If I was being paid to be filmed in a sexual manner so a million people could watch and masturbate, I’m sure there’d be no argument about my intentions and people wound not hesitate to support my partner leaving me. Come on people, why are we having this discussion? It’s not that complicated.
I have to say, I disagree with the notion that ‘porn is cheating’. Now hear me out first:
When you’re watching porn, you’re getting off to a person/people who don’t know you exist. Yes, you are watching someone and getting sexual pleasure out of it, but what’s the real difference between watching porn and masturbating to it, and fantasizing about your hot co-worker and masturbating to that fantasy? Would you say that touching yourself to the thought of anyone but your spouse counts as cheating? I don’t really see the difference.
In my opinion, it takes two to cheat. If you were messaging the porn star, telling them about your desire for them, then yes, that would constitute cheating. In that case, you’re seeking to engage in sexual contact with someone outside your marriage (even if that contact is purely virtual). It would be the same if you told your co-worker about your crush on and fantasies about them.
I don’t really see how you can cheat on your spouse with someone who doesn’t even know you exist and who has never talked to you.
Just discovered last night that my partner has been visiting porn sites & interacting with live women on these sites. I’m devastated. I’m 43 & I’ve been really struggling with myself as far as aging & physical changes. We have talked about porn & I’ve always asked him to talk to me if he ever felt like he wanted to partake in that. It’s my opinion that if he needs to look at another woman for sexual pleasure then he’s not fulfilled with me. He has always said stuff like, “Baby I don’t need that stuff. All I have to do is think about you.” Clearly I don’t do it for him anymore. That’s crushed me more than anything. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning & my first thought was, “No wonder he wants to look at someone else.” I’m extremely depressed…deeply hurting. Why can’t I be enough for him? Please help me.
Your partner’s choices belong to him. Aging is normal, physical changes are normal: I bet he has them too, only you don’t turn to other men, do you? Nope! Our culture has taught men that they are allowed to objectify women and use them for their own gratification, and it has taught women that when this happens, it is their fault. This is a bunch of bullhockey.
The real question is: why can’t he be enough for himself? Why can’t he take responsibility for himself and live within the values he assented to in your relationship together?
Your worth is not contingent upon his choices! You are a valuable person, whether or not he ever chooses to stop objectifying women and live up to his promises.
Those are his problems to deal with.
Your responsibility here is to (1) stop taking responsbility for his choices and (2) choose healthy boundaries for yourself. Here, here, and here are some articles to help you get started on boundaries. You might also want to find a therapist, just for you, who can help you process your own value and support you in your healthy boundaries. Online, you’ll find great support and resources at Bloom for Women.
Whatever your partner chooses, you can choose to to be healthy and whole.
Peace,
Kay
This gave me a great laugh. Thank you
My wife saw that I had visited a porn site on my phone. Now she’s devastated. She absolutely believes I have cheated on her even though I have never touched another woman, communicated with another woman in a sexual way in any shape or form. I can’t deny that it was selfish of me to seek instant gratification but I do love my wife and it kills me that my inappropriate behavior has caused her such pain.
The hardest part is that I’ve never felt like viewing porn and masturbating was an act of infidelity. Yes I would view porn, became aroused and copulated. Usually within a very short period of time. But I never desired the women in the videos or wished to be a participant. Yes watching was arousing and I was lustful. Not for the characters in the videos but for the ultimate goal which was to achieve an orgasm. The act in itself provided a temporary relief but I still want my wife and would never deny her. Unfortunately she thinks otherwise and that I’ve used myself up and have nothing left for her.
Now my wife believes that every waking moment I’m thinking about porn. When we make love she thinks I’m fantasizing about that as well. She also thinks that I don’t find her attractive anymore which is far from the truth. My wife is a beautiful and amazing woman. I can’t even begin to express the shear bliss of making love with her.
I pray that we can overcome this and that I can be the husband she thought I was. Unfortunately at this time I have defiantly fallen from grace and may never find forgiveness. I will continue to repent and do my best to prove my love. God willing we will prevail and our love will only become stronger. In any case I have to live with the consequences of my actions no matter how painful and try to be the best husband I can.
February Dec 11 2020
I just wrote of this. Nice to hear a males perspective seeings how I feel EXACTLY the same as your wife.
hi,….2 questions
why did you visit that site?
why did you do sneaky?
I think porn is sinful and displeases God, but I don’t think it’s cheating. Yes, porn obliterates trust in relationships, destroys the brains of those who watch it, and sets unrealistic sexual expectations, but that doesn’t make it cheating, it makes it a sin.
For one, porn is a much broader category than just watching two people have sex, like you (author) build your argument on. Would masturbating while looking at a picture of a topless women count as porn?… what about while listening to the sound of a woman having an orgasm (with no video at all), or watching a video of a woman who’s fully clothed vacuuming their house while in yoga pants? None of these scenarios have to do with people having sex but certainly fall into some pornographic category. At some point you have to broaden the category of porn so widely that the category itself simply disintegrates and gets absorbed into the bigger category of “lust”. So the real question then becomes, “Is lust cheating?” and I think the answer is still no.
If it were, I think it would have been mentioned is at some point in the Bible.
(And no, I don’t think Matthew 5:28 is saying that lusting after a women is ACTUALLY committing adultery. If so, then Matthew 5:22 is ACTUALLY saying that anyone with anger toward someone has ACTUALLY committed murder, or that anyone who has called someone a fool is ACTUALLY going to hell for doing so. I’ve ever heard anyone going to prison for committing murder because they were angry. So then why do we cherry-pick this one out of the list and apply meaning to it that we don’t to the others in the same passage?)
I also realize that it’s uncomfortable for non-porn users to admit this, but even they are guilty of committing adultery if we apply the standard in Matt 5:28 as I think Jesus was intending. Is there anyone who hasn’t lusted after another person? If we’re honest with ourselves, then nobody really escapes this passage without having to own the truth that they really can’t be righteous enough without a Savior. THAT is the point.
I also realize that you’re on the payroll of a company that makes money by ensuring that everyone believes that porn is cheating and that your product keeps men from cheating… which probably makes it hard to see it from any other view than the one you are arguing about.
The slippery slope is yours and it stops at Step 2 which is NOT cheating, from then on your entire logic chain collapses.
Stop blaming porn if you’re not satisfied with what you have. By all means, confine yourself however you see fit, but don’t blame porn.
All I am going to say is, if he would rather watch some other women naked and having sex while he Jack’s off than to be with me sexually, then he can get those women to cook his food, wash his dishes, do his paperwork, and rub his back..and all the other million things I do…. cause I am not about to live in a situation where I give all the benefits of a relationship, and get none of the sexual gratification, and feel unworthy of his sexual gratification.
The prostitute explanation you have doesn’t work.
That aside… if your man would rather beat his meat to something digital than have sex with you, you either aren’t actively engaged in your patnership or he’s just a horndog and it’s too much for you to handle meeting his needs. Everyone has a different sex drive, if I come home from work and don’t feel like sex and my SO wants it but I have no energy, it is not cheating (TO ME) if they go find release through pornography, CAN’T GET STDs from that!
Maybe try sharing in said pornography when you’re both in the mood instead of getting bent out of shape? I’d rather have a spouse that masturbates and makes loves to me exclusively than one that goes out and REALLY cheats.
My two cents. Stop making this more complicated than it needs to be.
Your site is titled “Covenant Eyes.” That says it all to me.
My marriage was ruined and corrupted by my spouse secretly looking at
pornography on the internet. We women are not “sex toys” and we should not
be considered “sex objects” either. We were created in God’s image also.
As Christians we need “Covenant Eyes” because God sees everything we do.
Nothing is hidden from God’s sight. He needs to be feared. Sexual sins are more serious because we are the temple of the Holy Spirit and the Bible says
sexual sins are against the body and carry more consequences. Mrs Beaver
The problem was never that he was into porn but for the fact that he started looking for the local ones to meet in person is what baffles me.
Whenever I confront him about his way about, he kept mumbling and saying he went to gym blah blah blah. Hiring a haker was the best part of it because it was never something he saw coming. Hackers will surly reveal what is hidden as long as it is a mobile device. You can find more for yourself on deep web. You should be able to hire more hakers for yourself.
Leave it to religious nuts to define good sex life. Go away, nutcases.
Lol your article is stupid. And you bible thumpers are just plain dumb. Also most of what you described is not watching porn.
🤍Thank you for writing this. The truth is this is hard to read. We dont want to believe that porn is cheating. I am a women and I sin with porn. So did my husband.
💔So, When my husband and I began dating we talked about the sin issue of porn and we both agreed to NOT do it , and to keep each other accountable(that was a mistake! always always ALwAYs make sure your man has another godly man to be accountable to for this stuff)
I checked in with him every month. He helped me when I struggled and he forgave when I confessed. I was able to abstain from it on the web due to The Lords help and my hubbys help during our marriage. After 5 years, my husband suddenly decided to leave to me. During our only session with a mediator with the divorce process, I then found out my husband had never given up porn.
he told me “it never really stopped.”
💔Men, or women, if this is you-please hear me. I understand part of how hard this is. This is an addiction and you NEED help and you are DESERVING of getting help. Please go after it. Don’t let guilt and shame keep you from coming before The Lord or from finding freedom and redemption from your sin. Walk freely. can you imagine being free of this?
💔I was devastated. Finding out that I had been lied to every month for 5 years…after all the counsel my hubby gave me to overcome porn myself…
it all makes sense why we had sex only once a month now. (and yes, I did “put out” Trust me, if it were up to me we would have had it at least every other day. ) Porn lead to masturbating, which lead to him wanting to please himself by himself( I would have been happy to at least watch him masturbate with no porn but he didnt want that either) which lead to “I’m too tired tonight babe” almost every single time. For 4 out of those 5 years of marriage.
💔💔That road lead to him divorcing me.
Because. Porn is an online affair of the heart.
There is emotional cheating(where your spouse talks to someone they are attracted to and pursues them and flirts with them all while keeping it a SECRET from you on PURPOSE) and there is online cheating and affairs, and then there are physical affairs. Which lines up with this article. But most importantly, with Jesus himself. Who calls us to live faithfully in every regard, not just one. We cant sin “just a little bit” as if it doesnt count as sin.
sin is sin.
an affair is an affair.
what kind of affair? Thats for you to answer.
and then know that the consequences will vary-but the outcome is the same.
❤️You and I, we either choose to repent, or remain where we are.
💔❤️🩹❤️To the wives or husbands who get my story, hang in there. Please. It may feel like we are worth less than trash , but that is a lie. We make it through by talking to our friends and confiding and seeking wise counsel in them and The Lord. Surround yourself with like minded people during this time.
dark thoughts will come.
Hang on to the promise of Light.
💔❤️🩹❤️🙏🏻😌
#pornischeating
In this case, that means that all women are cheaters, and almost without exception. (and it’s not worth lying, it’s the reality, since at least two out of three women do it, in the world. – precisely because all women like to see homosexual men doing it together).
In any case, it’s the total opposite of what psychologists and doctors say…
There is a lot of lying trash on the internet, but you’re definitely breaking all records. – the worst is that there are those who fall into your hateful trap.
You should look for specialists to treat your dementia.
V