6 minute read

Should You Date a Man Who Struggles with Porn?

Last Updated: September 14, 2020

Kristen Clark

Kristen Clark is married to her best friend, Zack. She is the co-founder of GirlDefined Ministries and author of Girl DefinedLove Defined, and Sex, Purity, and the Longings of a Girl’s Heart. She is passionate about promoting the message of God-defined womanhood through blogging, speaking, mentoring young women, and hosting Bible studies in her living room. In the end, she’s just a fun-lovin’ Texas girl who adores all things outdoors and drinks coffee whenever possible.

Jessica met Brad through a young professionals group at her church and had been going out with him for several weeks. One evening while having coffee with Brad, he confessed to her that he currently struggles with pornography and is trying really hard to stop.

Jessica wasn’t sure how to process this shocking information and went home with a conflicted heart. She hated the thought of Brad viewing pornography, but didn’t know if it was a big enough deal to end the relationship.

What would you do if you were Jessica? How harmful is pornography to a developing relationship? Is it wise for a single woman to date or court a guy who has a habit of viewing porn?

A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” and 61% say at least “several times a week.” Sadly, what those statistics tell single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.

How un-dealt-with porn problems can harm one’s future marriage.

Although some single women take the boys-will-be-boys approach to porn, modern statistics show us that it’s not that simple. In 2002, at a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the divorce attorneys present said over half (56%) of their cases involved one party having “an obsessive interest in pornographic websites.” Porn is destroying thousands of marriages because it’s the type if sin that always promises satisfaction with “just one more look.” It creates an ever-growing wedge between the physical and emotional intimacy of the husband and wife.

As Luke Gilkerson points out, “Pornography doesn’t teach men to serve, honor, and cherish their wives in a way that fosters romance. Pornography trains men to be consumers, to treat sex as a commodity, to think about sex as something on-tap and made-to-order.” Dr. Mary Anne Layden agrees: porn is “toxic miseducation about sex and relationships.”

Porn destroys relationships because it replaces real-life intimacy with a selfish, lust-saturated version of sex. It replaces real-life relationships with a one-way, pleasure-on-demand, non-committal act that treats women as lust satisfying objects.

Why getting married doesn’t “make it go away.”

Some unmarried women think their boyfriend’s porn struggle will simply go away once they have access to sexual intimacy in marriage. However, this has proven to be false by countless marriage testimonies. If a man or woman views marriage as a porn-replacement they will be very disappointed. Why? Because marriage satisfies a sex drive, not a porn drive. Porn is lust-driven and getting married doesn’t automatically make the lust-filled heart go away. It might appear to help the problem at first, but before long, it will come back.

Porn is an addictive sin that will not be satisfied long term with any alternatives, including marriage. Unless this sin is repented of and dealt with from the root up, it will always come back.

While your man may be honest about his struggle, he may not have disclosed the depth or extent of the problem.

Although Brad appeared to be open and honest about his porn struggle to Jessica, objects in the mirror are often larger than they appear. So often a porn addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. There may be many deep-rooted issues and a convoluted view of love and sex.

If your boyfriend admits to having a problem with porn, I would encourage you to find out more. Ask him good questions to understand more fully the extent of his struggle. When did you first view porn? How often have you viewed porn since then? Did you grow up in a home with porn? What kind of porn do you currently view? How harmful do you think porn is to a marriage? What are you doing, if anything, to find freedom from porn?

Understanding the depth and extent of his porn struggle is very important in helping you know how to handle the situation.

So should a woman date a guy who struggles with porn?

I have only scratched the surface on the extreme problems and issues that arise from messing with porn. My advice to women like Jessica would be tailored for her specific situation, but would ultimately have the same conclusion: I do not think it is wise to enter into or remain in a dating or courtship relationship with a guy who is currently struggling with porn. It’s one thing if it is far in his past, but it’s a completely different ball game if he is currently struggling with it.

Before you call me harsh, I encourage you to read some of the other blog posts on Covenant Eyes and you will quickly see the devastating effects porn has on relationships. I think it is wise to end the relationship until he is able to find victory and freedom from his porn habits.

Think about it this way. Why would you want to move down a road towards marriage with a man who is already struggling to be faithful to you? Why would you want to enter into a union to become “one” with a man who is committing virtual adultery on a regular basis? I know what I’m saying isn’t easy and will require a lot of prayer, wisdom, and grace…but in the end it does not seem wise or healthy for you to stay in a relationship with a guy who currently struggles with porn.

I encourage you to get wise counsel from your pastor or a godly older woman on how to handle your specific situation best.

Signs a woman can look for to know he is repenting.

Just because is it wise to end the relationship right now doesn’t mean it has to end forever. Maybe you ending the relationship will be a wake up call to him and will encourage him to seek help. Watch him once things are over to see if he has a sincere heart of repentance and a desire to honor God.

Signs of repentance will look like him taking drastic safety measures to make sure his porn is hard to access (i.e. getting rid of his computer, only using the Internet in public places, etc.). It will look like him seeking accountability from godly men and programs like Covenant Eyes. It will look like him having a clean track record for quite a while once your relationship ends. It will look like him doing whatever it takes to find freedom and victory from the enslaving sin of porn, no matter how hard it is.

Where does forgiveness fit into the picture?

Forgiveness might be hard for you to give at first, but in order to keep your heart from harboring bitterness, you will need to extend grace and forgiveness to him at some point. After all, porn is one form of sin and not one of us is sin-free. We must extend forgiveness to others as Christ has extended forgiveness to us. This doesn’t mean you accept, tolerate, or put up with his porn habits, it simply means you are choosing to forgive him and show him Christ-like love.

You should also pray fervently for him during your time of separation that God would help him find lasting victory. If he does find lasting victory over porn and has a clean track record for a while, then I encourage you to seek God in prayer and pursue further wise counsel before getting back together.

Have good conversations early on.

Is porn a major problem today? Yes. Does porn have to infect every family, every relationship and every marriage? No! Having a plan of action as early on as possible will help you and your man in this fight. Having a good heart-to-heart talk early on in the relationship about this issue will help you and your significant other get on the same page. Discussing both of your expectations, beliefs about porn, plan for purity, etc. will help you know where the other person stands. It will also show the value and importance you both place on cultivating a porn-free relationship.

Don’t wait until you’re five years into marriage to have these invaluable conversations—have them now.

Whether you’re in a relationship yet or not, you can help your future husband fight the battle against porn right now by praying for victory, wisdom, and purity in his life today.

  • Comments on: Should You Date a Man Who Struggles with Porn?
    1. Reuben on

      In the context of this article, it is important to note that when a man is watching pornography, he has 2 choices. He can either keep it a secret, which is very easy to do, or he can discuss it with those he cares about. The choice of keeping it a secret is one of the exact reasons why porn is so prevalent in today’s society.

      If he summons up the courage to talk about it to his girlfriend, and especially that he is struggling (i.e. he can distinguish right from wrong and at the minimum, has a desire to break free from his addiction, which is not a given in today’s world) then he should receive some sort of a pat on the back for taking that step, because not many men would do that. Any acts of courage in this area should be encouraged and progressed; breaking up, regardless of how its sugar coated or presented, basically is a slap on his face and he thinks “I was stupid to even attempt to break free from my addiction”, which is definitely not something that will build momentum in the right direction.

      If it comes down to “Its not her mess to clean up”; aren’t we as Christians supposed to help fellow Christians clean our messes up, regardless of the link we have with that person anyway? Isn’t it even more important that people in a relationships who have made a sort of a commitment to each other go that extra step if need be?

      But off course, each situation is different and needs to be dealt with individually etc. etc.

      Reply
      • Kimberly on

        I mostly agree with your comment, Ruben. The only thing is, women are much more emotional, trusting, and ultimately susceptible than men are. If my boyfriend (I don’t have a boyfriend currently, but I’m just saying…) were to admit a porn addiction to me, it would be hurtful. I would be thankful he did tell me, like you said, but staying in that relationship would be dangerous. Yes, maybe good for him in fixing the problem, but bad for me, who is pushed into compromising in an area that should never be compromised.

        Think like this: you are a really good Christian guy, and your neighbor has a grandson that just got out of prison. Your neighbor pleads with you to become her grandson’s new best friend, and because you are that “really good Christian”, you do it! Which is great for that other guy, but BAD for you. You don’t need that kind of influence in your life! Obviously, this is more dramatic than two mostly equally-yoked people, one with a porn issue, but you see my point? When morals and Biblical values are compromised, even with good intent, somebody is going to suffer.

        Furthermore, let’s go back to me and my imaginary boyfriend breaking up. If he were to think, “I was stupid to even attempt to break free from my addiction”, like you said, then he isn’t worth my time anyways, and I’m glad, after the tears are shed, that I got out before it was too late. A guy that is really worth the trouble, will do whatever it takes to flee his porn issue, apologize with red roses, and work to win me back.

        Just my two cents. I really appreciate this article, Kristen! =)

      • PJRT on

        A recent survey found that 75% of young Christian men (18-30 years old) view porn at least “several times a month,” and 61% say at least “several times a week.” Sadly, what those statistics tell single women is that 3 out of the 4 Christian guys they meet struggle with porn on a regular basis.

        Followed by

        I do not think it is wise to enter into or remain in a dating or courtship relationship with a guy who is currently struggling with porn.

        So….3/4 of women should be lesbians or nuns?

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Or 3/4 of Christian men should consider not looking at porn anymore or find help if they are addicted.

      • Pat on

        I can tell you one thing: I love my wife

        I disclosed to her, while we were dating, that I had previously had a porn problem. In her innocence, she believed it to be done with. And in my naivety, so did I.

        Within a year of our marriage, porn returned with a vengeance. Was it for a lack of intimacy? No. Was it for a lack of physical satisfaction? No. It was for a lack of porn.

        It simply cannot be replaced by marital intimacy because they are so different from one another; porn is a sin, an addiction of terrible force and marital intimacy is ordained by God. Marriage satisfies the soul by way of emotional and physical connection amid the trials and tribulations of life and parenthood. It’s beautiful but it’s not easy.

        Porn is easy. As are so many sins.

        Getting away with it begins with practice; practice that starts with masturbation. The longer a young man hides that from his family, the sooner he will experiment with porn. Addiction follows like a whirlwind.

        If my wife had known these things, I might not have my life, my beautiful children… nor would I deserve them. You see, she should have left me then, with a promise of prayers and to return after I had conquered my demons; after I had asked God to conquer them for me, in truth. For there is no greater foe to demons than Christ and, though they plague me, He has to be be my refuge in this. It has taken years for me to truly fight porn and my wife still does not fully understand, nor did I expect her to. It is a sin she has never dreamt of committing, but her aid has been invaluable and I only wish she had known the extent of this sin earlier. The thought of losing her then, before porn entered our marriage, would have been unbearable and it might have saved me, and my family, years of lost graces.

      • Jessica on

        My youth pastor used to tell us “rarely do sins travel alone” Sexual sin is the symptom of many sins like greed, selfishness, self-pity, coveting ect. And I say this in love, healing is a messy business. Honestly if a man truly cared about a girl he wouldn’t want her near him when he was going through this, he would want to protect her heart from the damage his sin will cause Her. Wanting her to stay shows his selfishness. He has a lot of growing to do. It is as much a heart issue as it is a sexual one. Learning how to respect and love women as God’s daughters. Learning to give instead of take. Learning to love themselves as the man God made them to be. If God wants you to be with her she won’t go far :) trust God to handle her and if you truly care about her do what is best for her, not you.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hey Jessica. I agree with a whole bunch of what you said here. Most young men and women do have a whole lot of growing up to do! Porn presents an incredible challenge to that process.

        I think this is such a complicated issue. While I agree that selfishness and greed do tend to come along with long-term porn use (there’s confirming research on that now!)–I don’t think that only greedy, selfish extra-sinful people get into porn.

        I think a lot of people stumble into internet porn and get caught, at really young ages, and are left without help for years because parents and churches are woefully inept at helping kids deal with the internet in healthy ways. I’m not blaming anybody. This is just the way it is right now. No generation of parents has had to deal with this. No generation of pastors has had to deal with it. No generation of girlfriends has had to deal with this. No generation of wives. We’re all just having to figure this out together, and we’re still largely silent about it in our homes and churches.

        And I think easy answers are not the answer. This is TOUGH. It’s going to require all of us, men and women, to think about relationships and how we deal with each other in completely new ways. The fairy tale myth of happily ever after just doesn’t work here. (It never worked really well anyway, but porn really blows the walls down.)

        I’m in a “secret” Facebook group with a bunch of women who attended a major, well-respected Christian university. Kudos to this school, they were trying to help young people deal with internet porn. And so the young women were advised not to date someone who was using porn. The guy had to be clean for a year, and then they could date. Sounds great, right? But what happened in practice was… either the guys white-knuckled it for that year, or they lied. Because a few years down the road, we’ve got a big old mess of guys who are seriously addicted and acting out in all kinds of ways, families in complete disarray, and everybody scrambling to sort out what to do next.

        Here’s an article I wrote a while back about boundaries in dating. Have a look and let me know what you think. Kay

      • Joshua on

        Reuben,
        While I understand your admonition to forgive, we can only forgive when a person truly recognizes their sin and the gravity of their sin. This idea is present throughout the Bible – no one is forgiven while still in the act of sinning.
        When a man confesses a sin to his lover, he is looking for one of two things: either forgiveness, or approval. Pornography teaches men that it is their right to use women for pleasure. Most men will want “permission” to remain unchanged, and unrepentant – and will often confess their ‘struggle’ when it is no struggle at all. We are not righteous because we will be “rewarded” (in this life, anyway), and anyone who is honest just for a ‘pat on the back’ cannot be trusted. A woman would be very, very wise to call it off, and get their boyfriend some godly counsel, and pray for him. Time will reveal what his true intentions were, and who G-d has truly intended for them.

        Joshua

      • GR Rugged on

        In a lot of cases Women are more susceptible to cheating.
        In a recent study in “Web MD” it was concluded that Women tend to cheat –primarily to “fill an emotional void” some of the other ones that made the list were -revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction.
        Isn´t God supposed to fill that “emotional/empty void” ?
        If a Man struggle is visual- than a Woman´s struggle is in the emotional realm/ with her emotions.
        A Man can usually turn his head and look the other way or have sexual disciple, but it takes a real deep connection with God to NOT drift into the doubt of the emotional realm life most Women I´ve come across tend to.

    2. Kristin on

      Where does the statistic about percentage of 18-25 year old christian men who look at porn come from? I’m giving a talk on this soon and want to make sure I’m sharing accurate stats.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        The statistic comes from ProvenMen.org. They did a survey last year with the Barna Research Group.

      • Jessica on

        @ Kay. Thanks for your response. I don’t think that only greedy/ selfish guys get into porn. But I think porn definitely makes you that way. Many men I have encountered ( maybe just my personal experience) seem to want to quit porn but not the lower level lusts that go along with it. I think that is a big reason they just “white knuckle” it as you said. I can’t imagine how being in a relationship would make that 10x harder for the guy. A guy can’t simply stop porn and he’s ok. Which unfortunately is many men’s goal, and they seem to get discouraged when it doesn’t work. I would love to see a site that posts articles focusing on the heart change. Opening eyes to how God wants men to see women not just articles focusing on quoting porn.

      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks, Jessica. I think there’s a HUGE cultural can of worms here when it comes to men and relationships. There’s that whole “be a man” message that tells men that they can’t or shouldn’t or it’s impossible for them to have softer feelings. Then there’s “boys will be boys”. We could sit here all day coming up with those things that have told men not to bother when it comes to emotions. The message is: “You’re a man. Act out. It’s normal.” And all of that, I think, mitigates against men feeling competent to do the kind of heart work which is absolutely necessary to true healing. But if you don’t get into those places, you end up with the “dry drunk” syndrome, where maybe he doesn’t look at porn but he’s got other things now, like alcohol or verbal abuse. I hear that story quite a bit.

        On the other side of the picture, I think a lot of women expect to be a princess their entire lives, and they also have no clue about how to have healthy boundaries and then dig into the real, deep, dark places of the heart and grow together.

        You might appreciate some of the books that have been reviewed here recently. Jen and Craig Ferguson have written Pure Eyes, Clean Heart. Surfing for God by Michael Cusick is one my husband really liked. I just published a memoir last fall as well.

    3. Thomas Weyandt on

      With so many Christian men struggling and if you are struggling with porn. That and the courage to admit it to a girlfriend should be taken into account instead of automatic breakup.
      I led a sheltered life until my Dad started leaving porn around. I was first exposed at age 13 to soft core. My uncle sent hardcore to Dad and i was exposed to that as well. I became a Christian at age 16. The matter was complicated by inability to handle guilt and I did not know then how to fight back effectiviely. Being mentally ill did not help the matter. I have OCD, Schzoaffective and Panic Disorders. I went through a nightmare from my OCD which manisffested in extreme religious fanatcticsm. There is no miracle cure for this. I get thourgh each day and God has always been there. Do to my isolation growing up and still continuing to this day, I have had only a couple dating relationships. I do have a close female friend but respect her desire to be just best friends. Mental illness does not excuse my use of free internet porn but it is a complicating factor. Right now, I struggle. I have a hatred of porn after I use it. Very angry at myself. I count it a success if I go a week without it. When temptations come, I pray for help to resist. Sometimes I do and other times I give in. I have a love/hate relationship with this garbage. The lack of Christian mental illness ministries means I am very reliant on secular professionals but am adding pastoral counseling now that I have found ministers that care and have some MH knowledge. I take many meds and I now, at age 59 am finally living on my own in apt. and have SSI disability. Feel like all these things like socializing, dating, marriage and kids passed me by and that hurts, but what really hurts is knowing that I wasn’t able to do those things. I fight my porn addiction and that counts for something. God has delivered me from daily panic attacks and watched over me and that is a great comfort.

      Reply
      • Mike Ryan on

        To my brothers and sisters out there who are struggling with pornography or any sort of impurity (masterbation or SSA), I highly recommend the setting captives free course. This teaches absolute radical dependance on Jesus Christ alone. It actually works!

    4. Sanchia on

      I agree with the article and with Reuben.

      My ex-boyfriend was (and maybe still is) addicted to pornography… But the thing is, he kept it a secret from me! I think this hurt the most. I would’ve helped him turn away from it if he had confessed to me earlier in our relationship, but he didn’t. He kept it from me.

      We had been dating for two years with talks of marriage in the near future and the start of a family. I was left alone in his room one day as he went to fetch my family (we were having Christmas at his house)… I felt that something was wrong (I had suspected for a while that he was chatting to other women and was wasking for photos) so I snooped around his room and eventually decided to log onto his computer. My intuition (which I know think was the Holy Spirit) told me to check his files. To my horror I found the folder… obviously not labeled PORN, it had a game name on the main file that was placed on the desktop. I had to go through about three levels of different folders to find his massive (over 1000 images) porn collection… and many of the images were worse than I thought. Not only were there photos of naked women, but folders of naked cartoons (perverted images of childhood cartoons… Little mermaid is the only one I can remember). I was absolutely horrified… I could not grasp what I was seeing….

      Long story short… we broke up because he was flirting and chatting to about 5 other women… asking for photos and saying he misses them… but the porn also played a big role in the break up.

      I told him that he needed to get help and sort himself out as there were alot of issues that needed resolving. I would’ve been there by his side helping him through it all, if he wanted me to. I found out 3 weeks after we broke up that he was chatting to other women and decided that he didn’t want to change otherwise he would’ve tried and asked for help.

      Porn is everywhere in this world and is so easily accessable… it is difficult to get away from it, but with the help of Christ, we can overcome!!!

      I will definitely look into protecting my family one day from all the temptation in this world, with the help of Jesus.

      So glad I found this site.

      Thanks

      Reply
      • Heidi on

        When I was married to a porn addict , in 2000. I became to believe, that it was very normal for men to watch porn. It happened on any spare time of his. It happened even when, I fully satisfied him. I never said “No” to my husband at the time. Eventually it as my feelings increased my heart began to break. I felt like I was competitive with porn. I felt, as though as he told me! “ALL” men do this. Me being naive to the situation. He would spend almost $100 on a porn video. I told him how much it made me feel like he was cheating. Me busting him in the act. Red handed. At any extent given. He would even try repairing video tapes. He would dig holes in our yard to hide them. Once I told him, I No longer could cope with his porn addictions! Left crying feeling like I was just cheated on. I tried making myself as pretty as the porn girl’s were. But I never could amount!! I truly thought there was something wrong with me. Several counseling, church, and I knew prior to marriage at 18. But he used it as if I won’t give him sex. He will use porn and do it right in front of me, at that. I divorced him in 2008. It still is scaring, along with now being new into Christian life. I now find myself, with a Christian man who when stress hits he will use porn. He has lied, hid it from me. I have sat being pure as he was at home watching porn. To beeaking my purity to in hopes cure his porn issue. But, as I am finding out even with covent eyes, he installs what he wants. Then I can remind him he needs to install it on his laptop and between going home from work and going to the church meeting at church for porn addictions. He will use porn. Its really hit me this last week. When he tells me he is so stressed out at work and I know he is failing. Lieing to me, I hurt myself and I feel hopless. I have dated other men prior which I found out they watched porn prior to being in a relationship. I finally got over the pain from my marriage. Now I am with another man who is addicted to porn. Who I wanted to marry. I pray everyday he will turn to God. Stop fooling, everyone including himself. Before I can’t handle the lies of unpure ways. Manipulation, and not caring what I feel.

    5. Nocturnal on

      I find these articles to really be a waste of time. I understand in part why an ADDICTION to porn would be a bad thing for a relationship, especially one which includes the Christian god, but what I don’t understand is why someone would try covering it in this way. I personally have stopped watching porn many times (specifically every time I had a girlfriend), and have never seen my choice to find pleasure as an addiction.
      I will, however, say that dumping someone for something as stupid as watching porn, especially when they were willing to confess and felt bad enough to confess, is idiotic at best. Understand that I’m not Christian, and that my moral values actually extend farther than the Christian commandments, my belief being that if it can be helped at all, that harm should not be brought to anyone (that includes myself). That being said, if you love the guy, one stupid mistake shouldn’t end the relationship. Couples argue, they yell, they lie and often bring harm to one another. That’s just part of the relationship. The point of a fertile relationship is to help each other grow, not to knock each other down.
      My next relationship, I’ll stop watching porn once again. I’ll pray to my gods that my girlfriend does the same, but if she doesn’t, I’ll be there to help her through it (and yes, porn can very easily be a female problem too, as it was with my first).
      If you want to bash me for believing that punishing someone you care about is wrong, then please do. Otherwise, move on and deal with the problem the way you believe it should be dealt with.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Thanks for this. I really appreciate your distinction between the occasional user and the addict. I agree that occasional use is an issue that couples can and should be able to deal with together, regardless of religious orientation.

        I think what many couples experience is that occasional use often accelerates to addiction, and they’d rather stop porn use during dating. This author has particular boundaries; others may have different boundaries. The point is to have SOME kind of boundaries, and not just find yourself the victim of things you hate because you just didn’t know what to do.

        The issue of internet pornography is a completely new challenge to relationships in this generation, and everybody has to sort out what to do about it. Hopefully the wide range of voices on this blog allow for a conversation that contributes to good health.

        Thanks for being a part of the conversation! Kay

    6. J. Alucard on

      More bias in these articles. There are billions upon billions or porn pictures out there. Now, unless those girls are imaginary, there is a heck of a lot of women doing porn. Let’s stop making this a male issue. If women stopped pushing sex all the time and make the porn, there would be a lot less viewing of porn. But don’t trust me, go look at the pictures yourselves. There are billions of them out there and the vast majority of those women were not forced to do the porn either.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        What you call “bias” we call talking about a specific topic. We don’t disagree that women should stop using sexual prowess, but since they are, those who interact with and live in a world with those picture have choices of their own to make.

      • Me on

        You are speaking of a world that has minimized women to sexual objects. I think that is the core of the problem being ignored. When you see someone as an actual person and not as a thing to be used for your own personal gratification, then the fact that they have a soul matters. You might also consider that a lot of the porn online is made with women who have been forced into sexual slavery. Many people have been abducted and forcefully made to do these things either through beatings , starving, or other tactics. There is a reason why prostitution is the oldest profession that exists for women. A woman who found herself without support of a male really had few other options. If people didn’t look at porn, there wouldn’t be a market for it and it would shut down; however there was lust and objectitification way before technology made porn available.

      • .Alucard on

        I am trying to reply to the “ME” person below who responded to my comment. I do not want to hear this nonsense about “sexual slavery”. There are TENS of BILLIONS of pictures out there. Now, unless those women are imaginary, that is a lot of women doing porn. Then there are things such as webcams, personal porn on computers, personal videos, etc. None of those women are in “sexual slavery.”

        Also, women are just as capable of finding a job as men. In fact, it is much easier for a woman to get A) assistance or B) scholarships than it is for a male.

        Lastly, go look at how much money your typical stripper makes or webcam girl makes. There are women in Atlanta that are millionaires from porn, stripping, and webcams.

        What does it take for a woman to stop using the “abuse excuse” in the year 2015? What does it take for a woman to just admit it is easy money to take off your clothes and get paid doing it? What does it take for a woman to admit that women have been pushing sex since the beginning of time? But I guess, Miley Cyrus, Madonna, the Kardasians and legions of other millionaire women in Hollywood are hard up for cash too and that is why they use sex and sexuality.

        But don’t take my word for it. Go look at the thousands upon thousands of women getting nude on webcams from the privacy of their own homes and of their own accord. The bottom line is that women objectify themselves and have done so since the beginning of the time.

        Frankly, if truth really be told. Want to see a really ticked off woman? Never notice her. This is what women say and do — they talk out of both sides of their mouths. They do everything in their power to be the center of attention and then turn around and say don’t objectify me!!! It is pure hypocrisy.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        With all due respect, some your absolute statements here reveal a great deal of ignorance about the industry of sexual exploitation in the world.

        As far as the women who make open-minded decisions to sell themselves, they do admit that it is easy money. I’ve spoken to dozens of porn actresses, and they all admit this was a primary reasons for doing what they did. Why do you think they are in some kind of denial?

      • J. Alucard on

        Ignorance of the industry? Please. There are BILLIONS of pictures Luke and you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. So you mean to tell me there are tens of millions of girls sold into sexual slavery? There is some grand conspiracy out there? That there aren’t jobs those women could go do? I have a unique and novel idea for women. Study. Go do the jobs men are doing. Very few women are forced at gun point to do porn. Most choose to do it — like you said, for the money. Welding for example will be a huge field in the next five years. Women can go weld. The government will pay for training. It is a tough job. Not nearly as easy as sitting on a webcam taking off your clothes. It is honest work though.

        My comment was not directed at porn stars who admit to doing it for money. It was directed for the typical person who repeats over and over again the same tired lines. “Oh poor girls. They don’t know what they are doing. It is okay. It is not their fault. Someone sold them into sexual slavery.” Sorry, but they do know what they are doing and that is my point. It is not 1950 anymore. Girls are not these innocent creatures.

        A person cannot be exploited when they do things of their own accord. It is called a choice. Not exploitation. It is a choice. Until you make women accountable for their choices, this will never end. Not in a billion years.

      • Luke Gilkerson on

        As far as sex slavery goes, it’s the second biggest organized crime in the world, so yes, I think the problem is a big one. Are there jobs they could do? Sure. But the force, fraud, or coercion that got them into that lifestyle needs to be removed first.

        I readily admit there are varying levels of coercion and force involved. If, for instance, you are kidnapped from your village at age 10, put in a cage, and then raped by clients who pay your pimp, you are living in an extreme sort of sex slavery. If you are wooed by a pimp who holds a sort of psychological sway over you through threats, promises of love, promises of money, etc. then the level of coercion is simply not the same. But it is still coercion, nonetheless.

        Does that mean that many of these girls are, in some sense, not responsible for their actions? No, of course not. I’m not sure if you think I believe that, and if so, why you think I believe that.

    7. Lisa Kesler on

      Just curious, and this is a bit random but I am sincerely asking how do Gynecologists cope with everything that is presented to them? Are there studies done showing when Doctors cross the line of addiction? I’m assuming symptoms of live porn, if you will, are the same. Patients become objects to be consumed or profited from, fascination with pain, can’t stay in a committed relationship or no desire to get married. Mentally, emotionally how do they train to cope with the nature of the job?

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        I think your question is so interesting. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when you say “live porn” it sounds like you’re assuming that any nudity is inherently sexual and sexually arousing in nature? However, I think that rational, healthy adults are able to separate the medical treatment of the human body from sexual arousal.

      • J. Alucard on

        You make it sound like every woman that sees a gynecologist is a porn star. A friend of mine is a gynecologist. Frankly, for him it is just a job. A large number of women he sees are not very attractive. Many are older women and many are massively overweight. There is no sexual arousal at all. Then there is the disease angle. Plus, sexual arousal is not ALL physical —- much of it is attitude based.

        I think people need to be realistic about porn stars and why they are so addicting. Most are tiny and in great shape and on average 47 pounds smaller than the average woman. No one wants to talk about this, but the obesity epidemic has had a huge impact on porn usage. It makes women mad to hear this, but it is true. You can go look at your girlfriend who is 160 pounds or go look at Remy LaCroix who is 5’2″ and 105 pounds.

        No one talks about this issue realistically. We don’t talk about the responsibility of the woman, the obesity explosion in America, the fact that people work too much (leads to a lack of intimacy), or the very real reason that if your spouse is looking at porn there is a reason and that reason might be you. Remember what I said about attitude. Some spouses are prudish and demanding. Then they wonder why their significant other escapes to porn. Then we totally side step the 700-pound gorilla in the room. Maybe human beings are not made to be monogamous. Marriage statistics are showing this, but personally, I blame feminism for that. There is simply no upside for men to get married anymore and at least in America, the male is now the cause of all the problems that have ever existed.

    8. Jessica on

      @j.Alucard. My husband was into plus sized porn. Explain? Men have always had an ever changing view of female beauty. Marilyn Monroe was not thin, men in Africa love a bug woman and I have been to the forbidden room ( ancient porn)in the Rome museum and those women were well fed :) it is not an obesity problem it is a greed problem. Greed always wants what it doesn’t have.

      Reply
    9. Anonymous on

      I am a 14 year old male who struggles with masturbation and porn. I have tried numerous ways to stop, such as setting up various parental controls. The problem is that, for all of them, the block that is set up is one that, at some point, I wish to remove it or get around it. This is often for a non-sexual reason, such as that a certain site is blocked through the controls. However, in order for me to get around it then, there must also be a way to get around it when I wish to do so for sexual reasons. I have tried praying, my parents know that I have this problem, I go to confession often(I’m Catholic), but still have not been able to stop. I am open and extremely grateful for any advice that is offered.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Thanks, Anonymous. Great questions. First, it is important to know that filtering isn’t the only software option available. Accountability software is a great deterrent. It doesn’t block anything at all, but it keeps track of everything you do online, rates it all, and then sends a detailed report to people you trust. Many, many people have found this helpful for a couple reasons.

        1. It is a very mature solution. Filters are great for kids, but as we become adults, we need to prepare ourselves for a world without filters and fences. Accountability software is nice because it trains you without blocking you.

        2. It is relational. When others know you’ve slipped up again, they can help you in a very informed way. When you know someone will see what you’re doing, it reminds you that what you do online impacts your life offline.

        Matt Fradd, a Catholic speaker on this subject, has a great video about it.

      • Daryn on

        Anonymous, Go to Puredesire.com you will find the answer you seek.

    10. Someone on

      I have been married to a man for 20 years with this problem. I feel that I married ‘in the Lord’ like the Bible says and I am angry that he is not fulfilling his ‘end of the bargain’ so to speak and I feel that porn is the root of it. Recently, my youngest child walked in on him viewing material that he shouldn’t and came and told me what she saw. I am livid and seriously feel that he crossed the line. I feel that, having our child see him with it, was not intentional but that he didn’t do enough to ensure it didn’t happen. I don’t have any indication that he’s into children, so I am not worried about abuse. The stuff I find of his is of women. But I cannot ignore the fact that now my child is embarrassed around him and I am humiliated and don’t know how to explain things to her. I feel I cannot forgive him because now the children (the youngest for now, but the older ones will likely find out) have been exposed to his sin and honestly, I do not want him around. I am not in the right heart condition to be forgiving. I’ve lived with this porn problem for 20 years and had I known the problems it would cause in our marriage, I would not have married him. I am assuming, although I don’t know yet for certain, that this is the first time our kids have stumbled upon his secret. Maybe someone has some advice for me, because, right now, I see no reason to stay with him.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        Wow, what a tough situation you’re in. I agree with you that the time has come to consider what your boundaries need to be here. What does he say about his porn use? Is he willing to take responsibility for himself and work on his issues? Sometimes a crisis point like this is a catalyst for change. As you consider what to do, you might appreciate our free download, Hope After Porn, where several women talk about the hard choices they made in situations similar to yours. In some cases, women have found that a separation is really necessary. That’s a hard step to take, and I hope you’ll seek out support for yourself. Personal counseling can be a good support, and groups can also be helpful. Let me know what you think–Kay

    11. Patty on

      My son-in-law was recently caught viewing some very disturbing sights….nude dead bodies, slaughtering animals, and viewing be headings, along with other porn. He told her he was just playing around and doesn’t look at porn that much. I am concerned about my daughter’s safety.

      Reply
      • Luke Gilkerson on

        Hi Patty,

        From a distance, it is impossible for anyone to really get a grip on this situation, but more information is clearly warranted. Your daughter has right to feel disturbed by what she discovered.

        In one sense, it is very easy to stumble on grotesque pornography online without much effort. Could he have been looking at “normal porn” (still a problem) and found links to more perverse sexual acts? Yes. That can happen to anyone who is mired in pornography. On the other hand, the fact that he was caught leads me to wonder why he wasn’t turning away from such images, why he had the images up on his screen for long enough to be caught. To watch macabre pornography with a cavalier attitude is, in my opinion, evidence of a deeper problem.

        Should you be concerned about her safety? That is hard call to make. There are a lot of porn users, even heavy users, who don’t act out their fantasies (at least not with their loved ones). Some do. What is important is trying to get to the bottom of the behavior in a manner that will actually help him.

        Your daughter might want to get this book, Porn and Your Husband. It will give her some steps to take.

    12. 31SingleMale on

      You might be right to say not date any man who ever got sucked in by the porn industry(50% of them right?). I would say don’t allow him to marry until the struggle is weakened.
      All men struggle with lust(oh, woman too I heard about a worldly girl at work who had pride in her porn collection). Did you know the dictionary definition for lust is having sexual desire for someone? Now, I get it your talking about having sexual desire for someone other than your wife. So if we followed what the English word says, then nobody would have sex and the earth would have no humans left on it.
      So now that its put out there I am a man that had this struggle because women betrayed me including christian woman. It is one of the chains of the porn stronghold that keeps me locked into this awful disease. At a time in the past I stopped for 3 months. I was looking for a job during recession and not only that I was spending probably 3-5 hours with God a day. It was incredible. Don’t get me wrong I don’t view masturbation as a sin. But if done to images of nude woman(including the ones in your mind) its a sin. I would say to any man who wants to try and weaken the desire – just do it in the bathroom without any thought of a girl or a magazine or anything. Too hard? Think of God.
      So presenting such a story and such a case. Does the struggle really ever end? Does it ever get defeated. You may say with God it does. That almost makes no sense. The devil is constantly fighting to steal you away from God in anyway he can, Even if you have set up much defenses against him and even said to God “I can’t do it but you can.” He can help you. But the struggle… NEVER. GOES AWAY. If it did you would get married and never have sex. ever. Remember what Paul said about burning desire to get married straight away? Does anybody actually do this here? I would. Court for a month, Tell the lady my current struggle of woman/sex drive, and If she accepts; get married(Obviously this is part of the get to know a person step). But if the girl is being wise I almost would say yeah don’t go for someone like me and on the other hand me is saying “That is just another chain I mean 31 years old and still physically alone?” Bible dudes and girls got married at young ages cause they understood and arranged marriages not like America or this generation.

      Reply
      • FreeOfGuilt on

        So you don’t view masturbation as a sin 31SingleMale??? Let me ask you this, do you think Jesus masturbated? If the answer is no, then yes masturbation is a sin. It’s a distortion of sex and is a selfish act unlike actual sex inside of marriage which is about pleasing the other person. I struggle with this myself, but you have to call it what it is. I’m single as well and I struggle with ungodly desires, but God is helping me through it. Porn has not ever been a struggle (I praise God for that), but masturbation addiction can cause some of the same damage. For both men and women. But as Christians we have the power of Jesus! His blood has covered our struggles and sins. The same power that rose Jesus from the grave lives in us. He wants us to tap into that.

    13. Connie on

      People just don’t seem to get that the root of overcoming sin is a right relationship with God. Grace is not overlooking sin, but tapping into the power to overcome. We are overcomers, not ‘strugglers’ The idea of ‘struggling’ with sin insinuates being entangled in it, all the time. When you truly get to know Christ, He makes your heart of stone into a heart of flesh, and you see people with compassion. Then you don’t want to objectify women or anyone else, because you see them through Christ’s eyes. All over the Bible you see God being disturbed that people who are calling themselves by His name are not healing the broken-hearted. Why? Because they do not know Him. Spend time with Him and in His Word. Listen to His voice. His sheep hear His voice, so if you are truly His sheep, you will hear Him saying no to sin, and you will not want to break His heart nor the hearts of His beloved.
      Sex is a bonding experience. Masturbation bonds one to oneself, hence the huge increase in narcissism. You don’t have to have internet to be addicted to sex. My first husband did not have internet and sex was all he thought about, masturbating several times a day even though he got sex with me almost every day as well. And I weighed 100 lbs. Sorry to whoever thinks overweight women are at fault. Because that’s all he thought about, any need of ours was interrupting his fantasies and that is why he became abusive. He was angry that we were interrupting his thoughts. The children did not know of his addiction, but they still inherited it because, in the spirit, it was passed on to the next generation. Only true repentance causes change, and someone will have to truly repent of this or it will continue. Masturbation also eventually makes it impossible to have real sex because real sex is too soft, not like the hand. All this doesn’t even matter, it is simply a betrayal of God and women and children.
      Also we are raised these days to get what we want or pout. Sorry, life is not like that. Self-discipline is outdated maybe, but the consequences of that are huge. We can choose our sin, but we cannot choose the consequences, sorry. There are many things we would like to do or have, like more shoes or a new car or a spouse or a baby or vengeance on someone, and we can choose to obsess over it or cry out to God and deliberately take our thoughts captive to ‘whatsoever things are good’, and ‘with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving’ come to God and lay our idols down. For a time, one has to take those thoughts captive every few seconds, but there comes a breakthrough when the good takes over and the demons are cast out. If God is not big enough for this, then why trust Him at all? He says to be above reproach, so surely He has the power and willingness to give it to us.

      Reply
      • Beth on

        I hear what you guys are saying… I am a female very addicted to pornography. Yes I am a Christian and my Pastor is aware of my struggles to stop spinning in that area along with overeating and sinning while angry and frustrated. Haven’t had sex with anyone since I was 22. I am now 37 and happen to be getting married for the first time in March. Have been encouraged by my Pastor not to share with my fiance. We both have special needs. He is diagnosed with Aspergers. I am diagnosed with severe bipolar affective disorder. Have participated in fasting, deliverance ministry, prayer, celebrate recovery all to make the wrong choice and sin when my body goes too many days at a time reacting inappropriately even at work or in church. I don’t know what else to do…

      • Kay Bruner on

        Hi Beth, I’m just wanting to double-check with you that you’re under a doctor’s care, and taking the appropriate medication for your medical condition? The symptoms you describe here as sinning are often very much a part of bipolar disorder, and you should find that the appropriate medication would be a real help in controlling those symptoms. While religious support is helpful, medical support is really critical for managing a medical condition like bipolar disorder, and I hope you’re getting all the help that’s available to you. Peace to you, Kay

    14. Alex Wheeler on

      You people sadden me with all your needless shame. It’s your body, do what you want with it, and if you are ashamed of what comes naturally to you then you have a serious emotional issue. Masturbation can be a problem if done excessively, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with letting off some steam in such a manner. It genuinely makes me sad that when we live in this day and age, an era of freedom, openmindedness and sophistication, that there are still sexually repressed, demented weirdos out there who are so ashamed of their own natural bodily functions that they need to join a support group for it. The only thing I can tell you all, if you want to stop having this problem, stop considering it a problem and think of it like the rest of the world does: a totally natural process that if done in moderation is a normal and acceptable part of life. Have fun feeling ashamed and bad about yourself for your natural bodily functions, I hope that goes well for y’all.

      Reply
    15. Jonathan Wakefield on

      I have to say, this a two way street of “growing up”. I’m not sure any woman truly understands why so many men are addicted to porn. Is the answer that the vast majority of men are just weak? Do the vast majority of men just not love God or love their wives? Are the vast majority of men are just immature? Does the extreme majority of men simply need to grow up?

      Trivializing the widespread use of pornography into any one of those reasons exhibits a deep lack of compassion or understanding. It’s a basic case of looking at the mote in a brother’s eye, and not considering the beam that is in thine own eye.

      Has anybody considered that these overwhelming statistics of men that view porn represent actual human beings? They are not less than any other human being, women included. Why would the “75% of young Christian men” mentioned in this article identify themselves as Christian if they had no desire to be like Christ and make it back to live with him? Has anybody considered the pain that each of these young men face each day feeling ashamed of what they’re doing? The feeling of unworthiness, isolation, and loneliness not only to their God but to their wives or potential wives? Are not any one of these reasons strong enough for any Christian to want to change?

      We all want to change. That is what makes us Christian. The problem isn’t that we’re weak, immature, have no desire to change, or don’t have our priorities straight. With such overwhelming statistics about pornography use, clearly the problem is that pornography has a claim on our souls by a lure that is stronger than the VAST majority of human will power.

      From various sources found online, it would seem that 15-31% of women view pornography on a regular basis, and 75% of men view pornography on a regular basis. These are people that actually admit it in random studies. It’s safe to assume the ACTUAL percentages are much higher. If there’s 7 billion people on the planet (3.5 billion males, 3.5 billion females), then 2.625 billion males and 0.525-1.09 billion females watch porn regularly. This is roughly 3.15-3.715 BILLION individuals, or roughly 45-53% of the ENTIRE POPULATION.

      It’s safe to say that included in a group of 3.15 to 3.715 billion individuals are mothers, fathers, lawyers, police officers, government officials, military personnel, pastors, bishops, priests, nuns, or other religious leaders. There would be extremely intelligent individuals that have demonstrated higher work ethics, far more discipline, maturity, sacrifice, compassion, and understanding than the vast majority of any of us, or anybody that we know. Do these people simply need to “grow up”? Or do we need to grow up and understand that just because we have been blessed enough to have no idea what it’s like to struggle with more temptation than we can bear, it doesn’t mean that the 53% who do struggle are weak and need to grow up.

      If 75% of men and only 15-31% of women struggle to overcome pornography, then why do we trivialize it into a bad use of agency? Do women just make better choices? Do they have more will power? Do they love God more then men? Or is there clearly a biological component that makes women less likely to have such overwhelming temptation in this area? If so, wouldn’t that mean that the Christian man who takes action every day to avoid and resist pornography is consistently exhibiting greater will power than that of the common Christian woman? Grow up and recognize this. Does all of that count for nothing when he eventually makes a mistake?

      Understanding is the only road to compassion, and compassion is the only road to healing. Christ suffered on the cross to have infinite love, compassion, and mercy for those who suffer. He alone can truly understand what the sinner is going through, and he does not trivialize their suffering into weakness and immaturity. For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succour them that are tempted. Can we not all try to be like this?

      If anyone lacks understanding, the male sex drive is like having a needle to a pack of heroine permanently and irreversibly lodged in your blood stream. It is part of your body. The heroine does not flow by itself. But microscopic drops at the tip of the needle never stop trickling into the blood stream, whether we like it or not. Sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Sounds like an unfair violation of one’s will, right? Because that’s exactly how it feels. We never chose to have this needle injected into ourselves. This unsolicited and never ending taste causes a never ending craving. All the while we’re perfectly aware that it’s as easy as pushing down on the syringe to finally rid ourselves of the temptation and send us to a state of total ecstasy.

      Those that are addicted to weed, or addicted to heroine, ecstasy, or alcohol choose to take that first hit. They chose to take that first smoke. Every boy by the age of 14 has had a taste of this metaphorical alcohol forced down their throat whether they like it or not, and the bottle follows them through their entire existence.

      I never thought once about sex my entire childhood. The thought of sticking my penis inside the same place where another person pees horrified and disgusted me, although my arm has always been exactly long enough to have my hand rest innocently in the warm cavity of my crotch whenever I slept or rested. There was never any sexual craving involved, it was just a comfortable and natural place for my hand to be, the same way we find it natural and comfortable to cross our feet together when laying down, or to use our hands as a pillow for our head when laying on the ground.

      By the age of 11 or 12 I found myself wanting to pelvic thrust and rub my genitalia against objects in the house for no apparent reason. I didn’t really understand what it was all about, but just that I wanted to do it. For the most part, I stayed away from it just because with my extremely basic understanding of sex and religion, I figured that those feelings were some sort of sin and that it was wrong. I was a good boy, and I wasn’t going to do bad things.

      One day in the midst of boredom at the age of 14, while working on a Geography project, my hand found it way comfortably into my pants as it usually did. This time when it rested against my crotch, I began to feel sleepy and extremely relaxed. As it stirred around down there, the hazy cloud of relaxation became more profuse. It was as if I were under a spell. I began to rub and massage my testicles more and more as the hazy spell of ease and relaxation that I was under grew thicker and more vivid. I thought briefly about what I had been taught about masturbation, and that it was wrong. But while my mind was under this brand new spell, I couldn’t care less. All my life I had been told what to do, and all my life I had been doing things like geography projects that I never wanted to do. This time, I was all alone and for once nobody could tell me what to do. For once I was finally free. What harm could possibly come from any of this? The next thing I knew, a fluid came out of my penis and into my pants. The spell was broken, and I immediately exclaimed “EWWW what is this??”. Had I just masturbated? I knew about masturbation and knew it was wrong. But I was barely aware that what I was doing was masturbation. I thought that was a line that I’ve always lived way too good and far away from to ever cross. I ran to the bathroom to change, and that was exactly how it all started. What started as an accident basically became a weekly thing that led to more intense fantasies about the girls I went to school with, and eventually to pornography usage for the rest of my life. I never asked for those urges to come into my life, and if they hadn’t ever started I would have lived my entire life as the “good boy” that I was throughout my entire childhood. Would being a “good boy” that never had a desire to do evil in the first place for the rest of my life count as “growing up” and being a mature man that never sins?

      I’m now 20, and have struggled with guilt and endless shame involved with pornography/masturbation since I was 14. The pain that this has brought has brought me an endless supply of reasons to give it up. I’ve been depressed, suicidal, felt unworthy my entire life, alone… Each time in the depths of depression I find a new hope and burning desire to fight and stop this sin. Since 14 years of age, I have acted on the faith that I have in God to heal me. Since 14, I have confessed these sins to my religious leaders knowing that it would be the only way to be healed. That sincerity coupled with the grace of God has carried me many times through extreme phases of abstinence, but it will never remove the needle of heroine from my veins. I can look my savior in the eye and say to him that I have always given 150% of my soul’s faculties to be the “good boy” that I thought I was growing up, despite my endless failures.

      I only remember fighting through the course of this 6 year battle. My victories at the beginning were small. Sometimes two weeks of total abstinence. Eventually it could get to a month of total abstinence before I fell. The depression, unworthiness, and sadness has always kept me going in the fight, but it has never been enough to win. I one time came to my religious leader after 72 hours of fasting, begging for a way to be healed. If this isn’t faith, if this isn’t love for my savior, if this isn’t maturity, if this isn’t “growing up”, then I have no idea what is. Do the naysayers know what that is like? Have they done anything like that in their lives? To confess something so personal and humiliating about themselves consistently, week after week for 6 years? To spend days fasting and praying for some way out?

      I remember around 16 years old, my victories would get into the 100+ day ranges. Each time I had made it 5-6+ weeks in abstinence, I had always thought I was healed and free. Then I would always fall. So many times have I demonstrated perfect will power and abstinence for 100+ days at a time, only for that to be broken with disappointment. Is it fair to label someone like this immature and weak?

      I turned 20 years old, and I decided enough is enough. On my 20th birthday, I compounded so many reasons to quit into one. Obviously many of these reasons included depression, sadness, duty to my savior, a hope for a better life and for greater happiness through a faithful marriage. The time was coming for me to get married and start a family. The epitome of “growing up”. So I threw myself at my savior with everything I can possibly give. Is this not faith, is this not honorable? Is this not mature?

      I’ve currently been 349 days totally abstinent without a single instance of masturbation or pornography usage. In 15 days I will be 21 years old, a year free from this sad struggle. Over the course of my infinite failures that have followed me for the past 7 years, do I think I am healed, do I suppose I am free?

      No. I don’t. While I do have occasional joyous moments that bring me closer to my savior where tears are brought to my eyes at the success I have made, the temptation follows me everywhere I go. Each day I have to wake up with a determination to be clean. Every day I have to remind myself what I am fighting for. The temptation constantly brings me down into the depths of sorrow, loneliness, and despair. Can you say that after all this I just haven’t really made up my mind that I want to be clean? Can you say that my heart has not been truly changed since I still have to fight my way through this every single day? Can you say that my mind has not been made up if I fall? If this 6 year struggle isn’t repentance, than what is? Is it even possible?

      I know I could easily fall at any day and go right back to where I started. Sometimes the temptation is so strong it physically pains me and brings me down to where all I can do is lay in my bed and groan in agony. The remembrance of 6 years worth of dark times shrouded in guilt, shame, and suicidal depression keep me going. Would you wish this type of life upon your worst enemy? Is this the only way to be to be “grown up” and “faithful” and mature? Are the rest of the 75% of males that fall short of this complete insanity considered to be “less than” or “unfaithful” or “immature”?

      Think about this the next time we judge another for the sins they have committed, or the state that they are currently living in. It’s selfish to trivialize this problem and demonize those who suffer from it. It’s choosing to not understand another human being’s struggle in order to justify your own one-sided victim complex. That is what ruins marriages or other relationships.

      Pornography isn’t a personal attack on our girlfriends or wives. It’s not that we don’t love the one thing that we cherish more than anything else on earth (our wives). It’s just that the ONE thing that we HATE more than anything else on earth (pornography) has more power over us than we are actually able to combat. That is why 75% of men use pornography regularly. If we trivialize porn into the thing that instantly destroys marriages without actually thinking about it, then each person on the planet is doomed to a 75% chance of having a failed marriage. If you leave someone for pornography, then you are 75% likely to find someone else struggling with porn and you will never find love because you believe 75% of the male population is incapable of loving another human being.

      I’m not saying pornography doesn’t hurt loved ones, because it does. But it possibly hurts the user most of all. I’m saying if we change the way we see it, and compassionately recognize a faithful heart that is trying every day to change (instead of victimizing ourselves and demonizing our loved ones), we can possibly protect ourselves from the heartbreaking amount of pain that plagues the common Christian marriage in the 21st century. Through understanding, husbands and wives can work together to combat the thing they BOTH HATE. Healing can come as a unit instead of broken marriages coming as two isolated individuals. By simply changing our view, that 75% margin for failure in a marriage can be completely wiped out, and failure can be determined by presence of things that realistically do not need to present, such as verbal and physical abuse, multiple extramarital affairs, lack of emotional intimacy, child abuse, etc…

      Sources:
      http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/aug/24/more-than-half-of-christian-men-admit-to-watching-/
      https://www.covenanteyes.com/2013/02/19/pornography-statistics/

      Reply
      • Single male, 32 on

        Jonathan, your text is one of the deepest pieces of wisdom, serenity, maturity, self-consciousness, compassion, understanding, that I have ever read… Actually I cannot put into words what I am feeling right now. As a 32 year-old male who has never even kissed a girl in his entire life, dreams about marrying and having a family, but struggles with pornography addiction since he was 20, your testimony was able to illustrate the saga of my life, from how it all starts to how we feel whenever society in general – and the Christian community in particular – looks at us as if we were weak, immature, inferior creatures, too lazy to take a firm step against their sins… Thank you.

        Please pray for me, and I will be praying for you.

    16. drdrizzle on

      I think it’s ridiculous how men are alway the “guilty” ones. 33% of porn addicts are women and that number is climbing. I know in my own life all the years of rejection, manipulation, lying and being treated like shit by women is definitely a factor in my struggle with porn. Going to a really legalistic church from 2010-2012 and constantly focusing on sin has actually made it a lot worse. I had a singles pastor who would always preach against having accountability software because you didn’t need it if your heart was truly changed. The problem was that he had it on his own computer and was basically just a bitter person who used scripture to abuse people. A pastor name Tullian Tchividjian mentions that when you constantly focus on the need to get better, the worse you actually become. And that when a person struggles with their justification they will be unable to grow in regards to sanctification. I have absolutely seen that come to fruition in my life. And women need to stop being victims and take responsibility for the way they act and dress in church. Women get upset and complain about men lusting after them and yet are always wearing yoga pants and short skirts. That’s not true in all churches, but a vast majority it is. What’s the difference between a gluttonous woman who runs to food for comfort instead of Christ than a man who runs to porn for comfort? Sin is Sin. I had a close friend who i used to go to church with who once accused me abusing grace to sin. The problem with him is that he acted like he had done something special to earn God’s grace. I have definitely become bitter and cynical towards the church and all the nonsense that goes on. Every epistle of Paul in the new testament he refers to who they are in Christ before he instructs a behavior change. To be quite honest i’d rather be miserable and disciplined by God and continue to struggle with porn than have to give my life in marriage to some woman who will suck the life out of me. I am good at being real, despite my issues.

      Reply
      • Kay Bruner on

        You might want to take a look at this article from The Gottman Institute which addresses the impact of porn on relationships. Gottman is not a religious organization, simply the most reputable source of marriage research on earth today.

    17. Anonymous on

      HELP! Please help…. I don’t know what to do.

      My fiancé and I started dating in November 2019. We have known each other and served together in church for a year before that. He is a youth pastor. On our first date he admitted to struggling with porn, how much he hated it, and how much he hated that about himself. I know the statistics and the shame that comes from it, and the horrendous lack of help within churches to help people recover who are in this situations. I wasn’t disgusted, or even surprised, honestly I was impressed he was so open and vulnerable so early on. It wasn’t a passive struggle, it was something he wanted to get rid of in his life and felt constantly defeated in. Later I found out he was introduced to porn when he was 10 years old (we are now in our 30s) through his much older brother. Looking back I realize how naive I have been about the whole thing. How could I not see how ill equipped I was has been hunting me everyday the last week. Anyways, from the beginning we’ve been able to talk about it openly. At some point he talked about getting counseling, but I sort of discouraged it. I was afraid that he would go to a secular counselor who would tell him that watching porn was ok and “natural.” There are not any Christian counselors around where we live (I checked).

      After dating for a month or so he also confessed that he used to engage in something like sex chatting but I think it involved video or pictures (honestly I don’t remember what he said because to that I did get shocked and surprised and hurt, etc). He had not done it in almost a year, but had had a slip up. We had what I can only describe as an amazing conversation about it, where I was honest and told him I unequivocally consider that to be 100% cheating (I know that porn is also cheating but for whatever reason I feel this more strongly). I knew the road to recovery for a porn addict can be slow and steep and I was willing to walk with him on it, but I could absolutely not tolerate this other stuff. I shared why I felt the way I did. He was incredibly receptive. Although he didn’t understand what the difference was between the two, he could see how much it hurt me and he repented and committed never to do it again.

      In January he initiated the conversation about marriage. Even though we hadn’t been dating for long we had basically known each other for a year and a half so it didn’t feel rushed. After a few weeks though he sort of freaked out and said he wanted to tabled the conversation. I agreed. From February on he has some serious mood swings. But with the current pandemic, lockdown, forced isolation, etc- heck, Ive been going through some serious mood changes (even depression) myself. In the midst of it all we have been there for each other, he has always been kind and supportive. Even when he has been struggling with being down, he has been there for me. So, it was hard for me to realize maybe there was something off, we stopped talking about his struggle. It wasn’t until April that I kept having this nightmares of him cheating on me and overwhelming sense that something was wrong that I brought it up. He confessed that he had slipped up a few weeks back. For whatever reason I took it really hard that time. I think it was because he kept it from me until I asked- whereas before he had volunteered the information. Thats when he decided to get serious about obtaining covenant eyes. He had talked about it before and even asked for my opinion on the matter and if I would be willing to receive his reports- but I think I had been too scared that I would become obsessed with policing him, (or maybe I was just to naive that if we prayed hard enough, read the Bible enough it would go away) I didn’t discourage him but I also didn’t encourage him. [I know it is in the realm of his responsibility but looking back now I see how many times he was asking for help and support and I didn’t provided it. I know its not my fault, but I do wish I had listened better].

      Anyways, he installed CE on his devices (like I said, even though I didn’t really spur them on on this). He started to educate himself on how porn affects the brain. He also told two of his friends about his struggle. Although he did not explain to them the extent/seriousness of it, it was a win to have that shred of light come through. He started doing the 40 day challenge on CE as well. He didn’t go passed day 3 though; and his friends that he had opened up to never (as far as I know) asked him deep questions about his situation or soul (even though one of them is a pastor!). I am the only one that receives his reports. Because of his position in the church it is such a difficult situation- and the shame and anxiety that comes from it is compounded.

      I thought things were going well. Nothing had come up on his reports. We got engaged at the beginning of June. But then everything went haywire. His anxiety, depression, all sorts of things popped up. He called up the pastor one day and told him he was overwhelmed and wanted to quit. The pastor gave him a few days off, told him not to quit, but didn’t offer any real support. After a few days he was expected to be back at work as if nothing had happened and everything was fixed. I helped him through it that week. After that he disappeared for a few days. Meaning he didn’t call or texted, and we didn’t see each other at all (which is unusual for us… not that we are connected by the hip but we usually contact each other at least once a day to see how the day is going, you know?). On the fourth day I showed up at his apartment, praying that he would open up. He did. We had a heart to heart. He said he found the relationship stressful, that the engagement was too much. He knew he didn’t want to break up, but he didn’t know how to move forward. I suggested we both met with a godly, elder, wise, man who had been counseling him about his general fears concerning marriage. We all met the next day and that was good. The issue about porn didn’t come up but I wasn’t expecting it to, at least not in the first session. The next few days things got better, but then again everything went haywire again, he has been very aloof. A few weeks ago I had asked him if he had watched porn but he said he hadn’t. But as of last week I became convinced that he must be doing it, even though nothing was coming up on his reports. Over last weekend I started reading and educating myself on how does porn affect people, the brain, etc. (Why hadn’t I done this before??!!!! Things would have been so different). On Saturday I prayed, “God, if he is doing this please make it show up on his reports.” On Sunday that prayer was answered. I am devastated. He was masturbating to the picture of someone we know. I asked him if we could meet up on Monday.

      These screenshots helped open up the conversation again, but I was not ready for what was gonna be said. He admitted that he has been watching porn again (by my calculations, around the same time everything went haywire). He has been watching it through his xbox which is why its not coming up on the reports. He is totally defeated and feels 100% hopeless. It was so surreal to see the man I love so deflated, not caring about anything. He has sort of come to this conclusion that he is a horrible person and that is just who he is, that he understands he is a child of God, but that he has messed up his life to such a degree that he can no longer have God’s best for his life or be the person that God intended him to be…. that’s what he said. He also said that he knows God loves him but he is just messed up and because of what he has done he will have to settled for something less in life/from God. That he is trying to figure out who he is now (since he can’t be who God wants him to be) and what life will look like now. I was stunned, all words failing me, mostly from the shock of seeing how Satan had weaved this horrid, ugly lie, that in a way sounded so sacrificial and noble…. how he has forgotten about the gospel and feels he must do penance or settle for some sort of 2nd class position as a child of God because of his sin, instead of seeking and receiving forgiveness. I managed to ask him if he wanted to work on the relationship. He said that honestly, he didn’t know if he wanted me or if I fit in his life anymore, since he believes I was part of God’s best plan for his life…. that I am everything he has ever prayed for, but since he has messed up God’s plan maybe he should be with someone else, settle for someone else. He mentioned all the things that he is struggling with: anxiety, depression, stress, social anxiety, not feeling like himself, not being able to concentrate, etc… and said that adding a relationship to all of that might not be helpful. We didn’t break up, even though the wedding is definitely canceled. He has not spoken to me or answered my messages since Tuesday. From all the reading Ive done this week I realize that all of his symptoms actually stem from his porn use! Like everything is by the textbook!!! But I don’t think he sees it… at least not the fact that his brain can heal and that God can, in fact, give him victory. I say this because he, at some point, kept going on about how he has messed up his brain and bonded himself to a bunch of women over time. I don’t know if it is that he didn’t finish reading the literature or if Satan just has him so in bondage…

      I know the relationship can’t continue, at least not in the way it has. I love him. I love him deeply. I was getting ready to marry this man in September! I am dealing with the disappointment and the grief of that…. even the loss of not having him around. I want to help him, but I don’t know how. He is burnt out from the work at the church and his sin. He is overwhelmed and in pain because of everything that porn does to someone, but he is suffering alone. I am scared. I am scared for his life and his soul. I know only God can heal him. Only God can be God in his life. I am not trying to be God and I am not trying to save him. I only want to help him in a healthy, godly way. I have read the article on “When love has to get tough: 5 steps…” Im trying to get my head around everything. I mean I’m still reeling from the interaction with him, from the information I’ve read, all the implications for my present and my future, and all of my emotions. When talking about boundaries and consequences, I mean, should I tell the church? But that seems so coercive, in my mind that sounds like a threat because it could potentially destroy him forever. Im certain the church will not offer any support for restoration or recovery, they will just cast him aside. I mean, the man had a breakdown less than a month ago and when he approached the pastor all he got was a few days off and then expected to be back to normal. There was no conversation about what might have caused or prompted the breakdown. Even more, common sense would tell anyone someone doesn’t get over something like that after 3 days of rest!! (he has been working there for 7 years).

      Please pray for deliverance. This is a work of Satan. Its easy to see why, his youth ministry has literally touched hundreds of lives.

      And please, please, please some counsel would be great. I know I need to see a professional counselor myself to help me work through al of this- I’m working on finding one. But I need advice on my practical relationship with him. Even though we haven’t talked since Monday, I’m sure eventually we will talk again and I want to be ready. I want to be helpful and not compound his sense of guilt/shame. What do I do if he does not repent? What are appropriate consequences? We are not married. I know what the path to reconciliation looks like, at least in part (both of us seeing a professional psychologist both individually and as a couple is definitely part of it, and real, faithful, accountability partners for him, probably support group for me). But I don’t know what things look like or how should I respond if there is no repentence.

      HELP!!

      Reply
    18. Anonymous on

      I’m devastated. My 19 year old has been dating this 18 year old “boy” for three months. (First boyfriend) Both Christian kids. He has just told my daughter that he has been addicted to porn for 3 years now. She wants to stay with him. I don’t know what more we can say to her to change her mind. Help.

      Reply
      • Moriah Bowman on

        Hi friend,

        Thank you for reaching out and asking for help. As someone who was a teenager not too long ago (I’m 24 now), I remember going through something similar to this with my parents. I remember my parents giving me their wisdom and advice, knowing that I would either take it or leave it. Being the stubborn teen that I was, I usually left it. Looking back on it, of course, I wish I had listened to them.

        Continue loving on your daughter and gently encouraging her to do what is right. She might listen; or she may continue dating this boy. Above all, keep praying for her, and for her boyfriend! Perhaps God will use this to help the boyfriend find freedom from porn.

        Blessings!
        Moriah

    19. Nnaemeka Emenari on

      How long is a good track record? Is it one year?

      Reply
      • Moriah Bowman on

        Hi Nnaemeka!

        Every relationship is different, so I cannot give a definite answer as to what span of time is considered a “good track record.” However, I can in general say that a year of being clean from porn is incredible and should be celebrated! Seek out wisdom through prayer, and ask God if he would have you pursue your relationship again.

        Blessings,
        Moriah

    20. Aus on

      As of now, I am seeing a girl, not dating (though we held hands, we have never kissed). I have known her for about a month and a half. We met on a Christian dating app, and since then have hung out about 4 times already. Praise God. However, porn attacks come in bouts. I usually fend it off with ease, then either in the morning or a random point in the day, it attacks. Help! What ought I to say to her? How to end this?

      Reply
      • Moriah Bowman on

        Hi Aus,

        I am happy for you and your potential relationship! I suggest that if you do start dating, that you’re honest from her right off the bat. As a woman myself, I know that if my husband were to hold back the truth from me, it would hurt more than whatever he had done.

        Before you tell her, you should come up with a plan of defeating porn! Using Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability is a great first step. She will be more encouraged to know that you are actively fighting porn, versus just telling her and not doing anything to fix it.

        I hope this is of some help to you! Be strong!
        Moriah

    21. Download apk on

      Starting at now, I am seeing a young lady, not dating (however we clasped hands, we have never kissed). I have known her for about a month and a half. We met on a Christian dating application, and from that point forward have hung out around multiple times as of now. Acclaim God. Nonetheless, pornography assaults come in sessions. I as a rule battle it off easily, at that point either toward the beginning of the day or an irregular point in the day, it assaults. Help! What should I to state to her? How to end this?

      Reply
      • Samantha Groll on

        Hi there,
        Thanks for sharing your story! Erring on the side of transparency is always a good rule of thumb in relationships. If you struggle with pornography, finding a way to tell that to someone you are romantically interested in is important for the future health of the relationship. It’s also vital for your own mental health and freedom from porn: when you feel like your struggle is something to be ashamed of, you keep it secret, which increases your shame, which leads to stronger temptations to watch porn to ease the shame of watching porn in the first place. It’s a vicious cycle, but it’s not impossible to break.

        Covenant Eyes has a lot of resources to help you deal with the temptation of porn. That’s not to say that temptation won’t happen, but rather, when it does, it’s easier to handle. We have several ebooks and an entire section of blog posts dedicated to this topic.

        As you go through these resources, I hope you remember two things: 1, the fact that you struggle with pornography is nothing to be ashamed of, and 2, we’re here to help!

        Blessings,
        Samantha

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