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When Your Christian Husband is Hooked on Porn

Last Updated: September 15, 2014

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

According to a recent study by the Barna Group, over half (55%) of married men view porn at least monthly. Moreover, 65% of Christian men say the same thing.

If your Christian husband looks at porn, you might be like the couple in this video…

Rethinking Accountability for Men

The sin of pornography thrives in secrecy, and it is killed in the light of accountability.

What is accountability? An accountability relationship is a relationship where you specifically discuss the details of your sins and weaknesses, and you receive help, encouragement, and challenge.

Accountability is, unfortunately, looked down upon by a lot of guys. Accountability is seen as a last-ditch effort when everything else has failed, something only for the “real perverts.”

This is why many men need to change their thinking about accountability:

  • In the world of sports, coaches give the most accountability to the players with the greatest potential. When a coach pays a player special attention, it is because he believes he is worth his time; he believes the player has untapped potential.
  • In the world of business, bosses give the most accountability to the team members with the greatest possibility for promotion. When a supervisor pays an employee special attention, it means he sees a potential protege.
  • When making personal resolutions, those with the greatest amount of success find personal accountability for their goals. The goals could be centered around quitting smoking, losing weight, or an exercise routine, but for all resolutions, accountability is a key to success.

If we are honest with ourselves, our biggest hangup about accountability is that it wounds our do-it-yourself pride. Add to this the social shame associated with using porn, and men find asking for help to be very difficult.

Porn Costs More Than Accountability

How can men make a change in their thinking about accountability? The change comes when a man really believes that the personal price his porn use is costing him is greater than the personal cost of asking for help from a trusted friend.

Make no mistake: porn is costly.

Husbands Finding Real Accountability

If your husband struggles with porn, here are three steps to help them find quality accountability relationships with other men.

1. Download Covenant Eyes on all devices.

Covenant Eyes Internet Accountability will keep track of all the places you go online and send a regular report to someone you trust, flagging specific websites according to an age-based rating system (ratings like T for Teen or M for Mature). This tool will keep Internet viewing out of the dark—men don’t even have the option to hide once they have made someone else their accountability partner.

2. Choose good (male) accountability partners.

Your husband should find another man to help him. He may want you to be his accountability partner and receive his Internet Accountability Reports. This can have its advantages, but there are also potential problems with this (read more on spousal accountability). The best solution is to have another man be your husband’s primary accountability partner. The right kind of man will be able to see past any of your husband’s pretenses and excuses and offer the kind of advice a man needs to hear.

If he needs help choosing the right person, he can read this article on accountability.

3. Meet together to talk.

Accountability partners need to meet together on a regular basis to talk about the struggles they are facing. This is, perhaps, the hardest step to take because it involves a regular commitment.

This may not come naturally to a lot of guys, but there are many tools available today that make this easier. One simple step is for men to download a free digital copy of the book Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and then read it together. It even comes with a simple discussion guide in the back to guide men through their first four accountability meetings.

DOWNLOAD “COMING CLEAN”
  • Comments on: When Your Christian Husband is Hooked on Porn
    1. Antony Sdao on

      before we consider covenant eyes – my wife has K9? on our home computer (decent) by has MANY loopholes – it does not seem to filter , also I am considering a smart phone (I like wondows so a Nokia or Samusng with 8.0 or 8.1 type os) does this work with that? – Issue I have found in K9 – it blocks media players (blocks video) well , blocks keywords (in search engines) , blocks “view images” like it should BUT – today when you have ? Instagram,twitter, facebook, pinterest – FULL of pornograpy and “at minimum” – tons of models (non-nude ) – whats the point (too easy to get around) – I know it is a heart issue – I am trying – – – but I am looking for a good filter and or someone (company) if I give feedback – they will be able to improve?

      Reply
      • Lisa Eldred on

        Hi Antony,

        Our Filter is available for Mac, Windows, and iPhone. It blocks based on age-appropriateness, and you can also add custom block/allow lists, so you can always adjust it if it’s too restrictive or isn’t blocking enough.

        Regarding your phone question, we have an iPhone app and an Android app. The Android app does not currently include Filtering, but we’re very close (within a few weeks, pending testing) to releasing a new version of the Android app that monitors the content viewed on specific individual apps, including YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter.

        If one of your goals is the heart issue, I strongly recommend you use Internet Accountability along with the Filter, and have someone in addition to your wife receive your Reports. These Internet use reports will help you and someone you trust talk through online temptations to actually start changing your heart and motives. And even if you don’t have conversations about reports, a lot of men have told us that just knowing that someone will see what they do online is enough to keep them from clicking on inappropriate links. Have you read the e-book Coming Clean yet? It goes into more detail on what a good accountability relationship looks like.

    2. David on

      Thanks Luke. I get the automated emails and they help me in my process.

      Reply

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