When I first met George he said he always wanted to find a woman who loved Jesus more than she’d love him. He doted over the fact that I fit that criteria. I was so in love with Jesus back then, nothing could shake me. Or so I thought.
My relationship with Jesus was based on emotions. And when I moved to PA with George, the church we went to felt like walking into a lonely basement. I felt so disconnected. His mom hated me, and made that very clear from day one. All of these things weighed on me and deadened my emotions, which made my relationship with Jesus suffer. George and I became more and more physical before we married. I started getting drunk on occasion. I loved the party life, and going to clubs where he sang as a lead singer for his band. I loved that life.
My emotions died and were replaced with empty life. Until it all came crashing down. George always told me he’d never looked at porn since he met me, but I found out otherwise. And he continued to lie even after I found out… which killed me.
I completely shut down. My emotions were dead. Spiritually I felt dead. Mentally, exasperated. I had nothing and Jesus felt as distant as Saturn. Because I pushed Him away. And I replaced Him with George.
There, at the top of my life, sat George. He doted over the fact that I loved Jesus more than Him. But I didn’t. And my love for Jesus changed with the sway of the breeze. So did my love for George. I was a nervous wreck, an insecure, bitter, depressed, lonely wife who thought the only escape was divorce. But I had a baby. I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents, but I wanted to stay home with my baby.
I was so lost. Every road seemed to be a dead end.
I actually hated God at some points for what He did to me.
Until I realized that He never did anything. I left God. I betrayed Him for the love of my husband. I created a god out of my husband and let my Father standing on the sidelines, waiting for me to come back to Him. He reached out His hand, but I pushed Him away, saying He “felt” too distant.
I couldn’t feel anymore.
But then I said “Yes” to Jesus, even when I couldn’t feel it. And since that day I’ve grown closer and closer. My insecurities vanished the day I finally committed to keep Jesus number 1 and make my husband number 2. My joy returned, regardless of my fluctuating emotions, the day I chose Jesus over my husband. And yes, George has made some mistakes since then, and wow… my reactions have changed 100%.
Because I have actually started to live out the beauty of loving Jesus more than my husband.
The amazing thing about this… is that I love my husband in a way I never could before. When I made him an idol and allowed him to affect my security and contentment and validate my worth… I pushed God out of the way and didn’t even love my husband like I could through God’s love, through keeping God Number 1. I loved George through selfishness. I loved him conditionally. I was only faithful to the point that he was faithful. I was revengeful, sad, and annoyingly insecure.
Now, Jesus is number 1. And I love my husband so much more than I ever could before. I love him like God loved me when I betrayed Him.
I’m so glad George is no longer an idol in my life. And I encourage you to search out your life and heart and find out if you are giving your husband a place in your life he doesn’t deserve. If so, no matter how dead you feel inside, allow God to regain His role in your life. And watch how beautiful the storms become.