3 minute read

“My husband watches pornography, and I want him to stop. Who can I talk to?”

Last Updated: July 30, 2021

Luke Gilkerson

Luke Gilkerson has a BA in Philosophy and Religious Studies and an MA in Religion. He is the author of Coming Clean: Overcoming Lust Through Biblical Accountability and The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. Luke and his wife Trisha blog at IntoxicatedOnLife.com

Pornography destroys relationships, and inevitably, as men start to come clean about their habitual sins, their wives will need support. Whether they’ve known about their husband’s problem for a while, or they have just found out about it, there are many questions that hurting wives need to work through.

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“What’s wrong with me? Am I not enough for him?” Read more . . .

“Am I the only one who is dealing with this? How have other couples worked through this issue?” Read more . . .

“He’s trying to convince me that watching porn is okay, but I don’t feel right about him doing it.” Read more . . .

“When he watches pornography it feels like he’s cheating on me, but he doesn’t think it’s the same thing.” Read more . . .

“He blames me for his porn use. What can I say to him?” Read more . . .

“Should I be my husband’s accountability partner?” Read more . . .

“I don’t get it. Why does he keep going back to porn again and again?” Read more . . .

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Their Stories:

Resources:

Books:

Helpful Advice:

Below is a list of recommendations for wives from the ministry of Faithful and True:

  • You will need individual support (a therapist, pastor, and/or a women’s group) for your healing, just as your husband needs it for his healing. Couple’s counseling is not sufficient for you to find safety and progress for your own issues.
  • You need to be heard about the pain and loss in your life created from your husband’s sexual sin. While your husband may feel great relief from having disclosed secrets kept for years, you are only beginning to take in the reality of how his secrets and behaviors have affected your life.
  • Information about addiction will help you understand the depths of this problem. It does not take away feelings you have, but it can help you create a new perception of the problem and understand the kind of help that is necessary for change.
  • You need full disclosure of the secrets/behaviors that he has been engaged in. To begin to restore trust, you need your husband to be totally honest about his past. We suggest that professional help may be necessary to facilitate this process.
  • You need to hear as quickly as possible from a professional that you did not cause your husband’s addiction, that you can’t control it, nor can you cure it. He will need a program of recovery to work on the deeper issues that drive his decisions. Your efforts to be more sexual, more attentive, more watchful, more ‘anything’ is not the solution.
  • You will find healing and growth if you participate in examining your own life. Creating greater emotional and spiritual intimacy with your husband takes both you and your husband to change patterns in your lives.
  • You may need someone to ‘hold your hope’ while you begin this journey. It can look hopeless and despairing in the beginning. To have someone who has ‘been there’ and ‘made it through’ to greater intimacy is to have a ’hope bearer’ while times are difficult.