“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time,
for that’s the stuff life is made of.”
– Benjamin Franklin –
My wife is pregnant, about 8 week along now, and I’m getting a front row seat on the adventures of morning sickness.
Recently, my wife was perusing the website called iVillage, a woman-oriented online community, where a number of discussion boards exist for women to converse about hot topics such as beauty, cooking, dating, gardening, money, pets, pregnancy, relationship problems, weddings, and just about everything else.
As she was looking for topics started by pregnant women, a couple of discussion topics caught her attention: “Porn problems with hubby” and “TMI porn question?”
Both of these discussions were started by women who expressed some concern about their husbands viewing pornography. One woman’s husband is away from home serving in the military and uses pornography as a sexual outlet. Another woman is pregnant and feels that the bigger her belly gets, the less frequently she has sex with her husband, and yet her husband still turns to porn and masturbation for sexual gratification.
One writes: He tells me I’m beautiful, then looks at perfect naked bodies. I am tired of feeling ashamed of my body. Does he look at them because the image of sex and desire turn him on or does he look at it because that is what he wants . . . a perfect woman?
The Responses
Some of the wives who responded to these posts had little to no problem with their own husbands viewing pornography.
For example, a couple of women believed that men do not watch pornography because they are attracted to the “perfect female body,” but rather because they just want to watch the sexual encounter. One writes rather confidently: “he is NOT looking at the chic with the perfect body, he is looking at what they are doing. Trust me, I can promise you that he is not looking at her body.” Another similarly writes, “Trust me, all men prefer the real thing over porn.”
Several wives spoke about watching pornography along with their husbands as a visual guide for sexual ideas.
Several women found consolation in the idea that their husbands said they “didn’t want to go to bed” with the women on screen. What their husbands looked at didn’t matter much to them. What mattered was that they were their husband’s only sexual partner. One conceded: “I really think its part of a guy’s nature to just look at naked women.”
However, among the women who personally had no problem with their husbands viewing of porn, many of them also acknowledged the need for openness and communication about the issue. For some the problem wasn’t the pornography but the secrecy about it.
Other wives commented about how they dislike their husbands viewing pornography. This is what they said.
One writes: “We have a no-tolerance porn rule in our house. It’s not needed and we have no desire—that’s why we got married—so we could have just each other.”
Many saw the viewing of pornography as a serious issue. The major reasons for this were (1) the knowledge that pornography is highly addictive, and (2) how it opens the door for a woman’s feelings of insecurity to rise up. One confesses: “I have been there and divorced because of it.” Another says, “I believe it is harmful to healthy relationships.” Another woman comments about the insecurity issue: “It’s a feeling that gets at our very core, because as a woman we want to be captivating to our man.”
And the testimonies continue to be posted on other websites and forums. It was less than a year ago The Sydney Morning Herald published a story about how porn in wrecking relationships.
The Crux of the Issue
Aside from issues regarding openness and communication in the marriage, the crux of the difference between the wives who were okay with pornography and those that were not okay with it seemed to be different understandings of how pornography affects a man’s sexuality. If pornography didn’t seem to diminish a man’s libido, make him desire his wife less, or diminish the quality or quantity of marital intimacy, then the wife was more likely to treat pornography as a non-issue. If the presence of porn was seen as a potential cause for these things, then the wife was more likely to be anti-porn.
Pornography’s Effects on Marriage
In my judgment, pornography is always harmful to true intimacy in marriage.
So what am I to make of marriages that appear not to be suffering despite a husband’s repeated use of pornography?
What am I to make of comments by famed porn actor, Ron Jeremy (see the Nightline debate between Craig Gross and Ron Jeremy), that “people can see porn responsibly” and that it can enhance the sex life of married couples?
In reply I would say it is important to distinguish between the FELT LOSS of intimacy and the POTENTIAL GROWTH of intimacy. As I stated above, the difference between the wives who accept and those who reject pornography use by their husbands seemed to be different understandings of how pornography affects a man’s sexuality. If a wife believes all men watch pornography norm of male sexuality is the need for a variety of female images, and that porn doesn’t really affect how men see their wives—then there was no FELT lack of intimacy. From this perspective pornography has not harmed the marriage.
However, when wives operate on different standards of sexuality and intimacy, standards that involve fidelity of the eyes and emotions, then a husband’s use of pornography contributes to a great loss of intimacy.
“Forsaking All Others”
For those who have said, “I do,” it is good to be reminded what we said we would DO. “Do you promise to love, comfort, honor and keep her, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful only to her so long as you both shall live?”
Women who feel crushed by their husband’s use of pornography usually carry a sense of being “robbed.” Didn’t the vow to forsake all others involve more than just not sleeping around?
The Centerfold Syndrome
Gary R. Brooks, Ph.D., in his book, The Centerfold Syndrome, describes what he observes as a “pervasive disorder” linked to the consumption of soft-core pornography like Playboy. He mentions five main symptoms of this:
1. Voyeurism – An obsession with looking at women rather than interacting with them. This, of course, can apply to far more than pornography, but any consumption of the “sexuality-on-tap” culture in which we live. Media glorifies and objectifies women’s bodies thus promoting unreal images of women, feeding male obsession with visual stimulation, and trivializing other mature features of a healthy sexual relationship.
To those women who feel no loss of intimacy even when their husbands are avid porn users, I wonder what might change in their marriages if their husbands decided to stop interacting with a screen and replaced that with a dynamic emotional and intellectual interaction with their wives.
2. Objectification – An attitude in which women are objects rated by size, shape and harmony of body parts. Sexual fantasy leads to emotional unavailability and dissatisfaction.
Can we believe these words: “Trust me, I can promise you that he is not looking at that woman’s body on the screen?” I, for one, would have a hard time believing that. As someone who has struggled deeply with pornography addiction in the past, I used the Internet to find my “niche.” I based my desire to view a certain picture or movie on the ever-increasingly specific body-type standards that attracted me. The exact shape and size of the woman I wanted to see was only a click away. Real life couldn’t compare to the selectivity available to me in pornography.
Perhaps some porn-watching men have no preferences in body type. My suspicion, based on how porn companies market their products, is that this is a very small minority of men.
To quote Naomi Wolf:
“The whole world, post-Internet, did become pornographized. Young men and women are indeed being taught what sex is, how it looks, what its etiquette and expectations are, by pornographic training—and this is having a huge effect on how they interact. But the effect is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as ‘porn-worthy.’ Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention.”
3. Validation – The need to validate masculinity through beautiful women. Women who meet centerfold standards only retain their power as along as they maintain “perfect” bodies and the lure of unavailability. It is very common for a man’s fantasy sexual encounter to include a feeling of manly validation. It is also common for men to feel invalidated by their wives if they have trained their minds and bodies to respond only to the fantasy advances of their dream girl.
I found this quote from Noryne Mascarella insightful :
“To the man who struggles with pornography and/or a sexual addiction, sex does not equal connecting to a real person; it means escaping into his fantasy world. Within the fantasy, a sex addict feels loved, important, and significant. Of course everyone in his fantasy world are objects who are easily manipulated to do everything he wants without requiring any commitment or intimacy in return. He always wins in his fantasy. There is never a fear of rejection or inadequacy.”
4. Trophyism – The idea that beautiful women are collectibles who show the world who a man is. Pornography reinforces the women’s-bodies-as-trophies mentality.
Even if this does not visibly affect how a man responds sexually to his wife, repeated use of porn furthers the mentality that his wife is a trophy, property of the winner, a symbol of worthiness.
The last symptom reinforces my main point:
5. Fear of True Intimacy – Inability to relate to women in an honest and intimate way despite deep loneliness. Pornography exalts a man’s sexual needs over his need for sensuality and intimacy. Some men develop a preoccupation with sexuality, which powerfully handicaps their capacity for emotionally intimate relationships.
Again, I wonder what would happen if husbands stopped viewing pornography and really challenged themselves to be emotionally available for their wives. How many would realize how much pornography and other forms of lust have rendered them emotionally impotent. The sad reality is that many wives have settled for only a scaled down view of male sexuality that involves little true intimacy.
Consider the following testimony:
“I fell in love with fantasy women–not the woman I married. What is really sad about all of this, now that I think about it, is that even when I was with my wife, I was doing little more than using my wife for self-gratification. Most of the time I was with her, I fantasized about the porn stars that were burned in my brain. I found it hard to feel attracted to my wife. I was only fooling myself when I thought that I could use my wife in this way and have a close relationship with her.”
Couples that say they use pornography as an “educational tool” or for “inspiration” in their sex lives, need to take a closer look to see if they are merely reducing their sex lives to mutual stimulation.
In Conclusion
My challenge to all married men is to really examine how their use of pornography affects intimacy with their wives. Does it simply desensitize you so that your wife alone is not enough? Do you need to close your eyes and imagine another scenario while you make love in order to bring yourself to orgasm? Do you choose the Internet over intimacy?
My challenge to all the single men is to consider how what you view today will affect your relationships tomorrow.
My encouragement for all the wives who struggle through their husband’s porn addiction is this: There is hope. Refuse to settle for less than true intimacy.
My ex-wife would totally agree and she felt like I was cheating on the marriage when I was in the addiction. It caused the same effect as if I was meeting women in the real world. I chose the internet over intimacy and I lost.
Luke – thanks for directing me over here. I could comment on most everything you wrote.
I know many women who watch porn with their husbands … and they know they’ve “settled,” but to get into his world, they settle. The philosophy is that if he’s gonna watch it, he needs to watch it with me. What they don’t get are the parallel worlds … the one he lives in … and the real one she lives in.
I firmly believe all porn is bad … that there is nothing even loosely within the scope of porn that can be related to God on any level. There is nothing within the porn world that can even come close to being “of God.”
My ex would spend months researching prostitutes before he would sleep with them … even interviewing them. It’s all part of the fantasy … and it’s part of the “selection” of preference.
I’m curious if you read the other three posts I wrote? And if you did, I’d be interested in your comments. The next post I’m working on is about getting out … it is, however, a very difficult post for me b/c it’s hard for me to believe. Yet, God is leading me to some different men who have gotten out. I’d be interested if you’ve posted your story.
Thanks,
Ame
It is a telling part of Satan’s strategy that some wives think it is ok for their husbands to access porn. My porn addiction was destroying the intimacy and trust in our marriage and I am thankful that I had a wife who was willing to fight for me against this addiction.
Pornography will eventually destroy all intimate relationships – thank God I am now on the path back to true intimacy with my wife and not some substitute that can never take the place of the real thing
I think that internet pornography is utterly horrible for a marriage. I have been married, faithfully, to one man for 21 years. I recently found out that he has been addicted to pornography and masturbation for 20 of those years. I had no idea, and I had no idea of the kinds of things that are out there.
During the last ten years, he has sexually shunned me. It started, when we got the Internet. Eventually, he was impotent every time I came home from an out-of-town trip. Then, he was impotent all the time, unless he closed his eyes, turned his head and was quite violent, sexually.
I don’t look much, if any different, from the women I have seen on these sites. However, he couldn’t stand to have sex with me. He came to believe he was really having sex with all of them, and that they all loved him, thought he was an incredible lover, etc. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I just can’t see, or this would not have happened. I feel that there is just something sexually repulsive about me.
There were other results of his pornography addiction. He had no ambition. I couldn’t figure out why it disappeared shortly after we married. He was very controlling and would not allow me to know anything, I mean anything, about the money in the household. It turns out that he was spending over half of our monthly income on pornography and drugs and other things to support this habit.
We had one child thirteen months after our marriage. My husband was all ready to have four, but then he didn’t like the idea of having children anymore. He refused to procreate and seemed to find the whole idea disgusting. He also would not initiate sex, even from the beginning of the addiction 20 years ago. I stopped initiating sex about 2 years ago because of the rough treatment.
He became a pathological liar, a failure at work, a terrible distant father who made sure his son had uncensored access to the computer from age 11 up. This has created a pornography addiction in our son, which he is fighting with his faith and the support of the church and the Christian university he attends. However, he has had many problems with this issue, and he dislikes women. My husband also had the family business, my family’s business, buying him all kinds of electronics, so he could do more and more with pornography. I would rather not go into details.
My pastor and the church counseling team insist that I should stay married to him as long as he doesn’t go back to porn and makes improvements in other areas of his life. However, I am in agony every day over what is wrong with me. He became very attracted to teenagers and women of very low account, whether morally, socially, or physically, and wanted to have sex with them, but he couldn’t stand to have sex with me, and in fact, was completely unable to perform for seven years unless he thought of pornographic scenes. I do not know if I can stay in this situation, and I have been made to feel that if I do not, I am not being Christ-like, that removing him will only result in more sin.
Anyone who says that this sort of thing is inconsequential is completely wrong. It has torn my family apart. It has irreparably damaged all of our lives, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically. In relation to physically, I am very ill as a result of one of my husband’s activities. He, however, is perfectly healthy, despite having spent three out of the last nine years doing nothing but watching Internet porn and masturbating. He managed this by taking drugs and staying up all night.
Augustine and other church fathers considered masturbation self abuse. It is an oxymoron to want to abuse one’s own person out of all other pleasure except illicit and perverse sexual pleasure, but that is exactly what happened to my husband. He cared for nothing and no one on the earth or in the heavens above except his pornography lovers and himself.
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IS DANGEROUS.
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS LIVES.
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS SOULS.
Most Sincerely,
Crystal
my husband is addicted to porn i only found out about it after marriage but he had books before ishould have seen warning bells! He visted Thailand and came backand told me he went to prostitues iwas devastated it was his 3rd visit and i know he only told me because he was scared he caught something My son his stepson was awaiting 2 transplants i filed for divorce i am a beliver he is not that was 14 mths ago i grieved too much i am happy again free from evil and his satanic activities God protected me he mocks god but God will never be mocked i am free in Jesus its his problem i say run Crystal you have already caught something will it be hiv next stop and know God does not want this physical and mental absue for his child and if your husband repents and means it maybe you can work on this marriage but not before you need boundaries Jesus set Boundaries and wants you to be safe! And talk to your son show him by leaving that what your husband is doing is wrong soul destroying i choose Jesus first over any man sylvia
Your story resembles mine in many ways. I have been throwing in brief warnings to everyone for quite some time. But, no one seems to heed advice. I guess they’ll just have to live through the awful things that could have been avoided, by listening to someone older & wiser.
Crystal,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You really went into a lot of detail in expressing your pain and the collateral damage to your family. I’m so sorry that happened to you. I don’t really know what else to say, but your story really caught my eye and I was compelled to respond in some way.
I apologize, if my post seems to be filled with unnecessary vituperation. I am very sad and lonely and truly bereft. I found out about this on November 7, 2007, and the more that his been uncovered the more distraught I become.
In His Name,
Crystal
Crystal, I cannot even begin to fathom how much you have been through, how much you have struggled to hold on in faith. But this much is clear, that you have not given up on love, on hope, and on God’s precious child that is yourself. All that you have said about your difficult journey truly speaks to me, because I too found out that someone I love is addicted to porn, and up until now I am battling with how that makes me feel, and the dark thoughts I have about myself and why I might not be good enough for him. Perhaps before we can help anyone to become whole, we must first heal and learn to see ourselves as children of God once again, something has been taken away when we incorporated the guilt of the one we love on ourselves. Because we have never stopped being the loved ones of Jesus, I sincerely pray that you will find the way back to seeing yourself through heaven’s eyes, as I am searching for too.
Yes, pornography hurts the viewer/victim of the addiction by binding them to pleasure that is far, far away from true joy. It also hurts those who love them because it steals them away.
In hope,
Mel
My husband is impotent(I believe because of years of masturbation women and little teen girls on the internet. He has thousands and thousands of women he goes to regularly. He says they are his happy women…they’re willing( I am willing and would love to make love to him any time) brave( because they’ll go naked any time any place and have sex wherever and whenever) and happy. He said I changed after we were married, that I used to want to have sex anywhere too…I figured once we had a house we could be more comfortable in the bed, but I guess I got that wrong. I love to try to give him a blow job, but he just doesn’t respond. He says he wants me to be happy and have sex with other guys, or an erotic massage. I love this man and I want to wait until he heals and can perform again…with me. I don’t know what to do
Wow. So, essentially your husband thinks you should be pleasured by other men, and he should be pleasured by other women. This doesn’t sound much like the covenant of marriage to me. Have you spoken to him about how this breaks your wedding vows?
This man sounds far gone, and he needs to know that you simply can’t tolerate that kind of attitude in marriage. Of course, you cannot change his heart, but you can put up boundaries for yourself that can protect yourself from further damage. I suggest you watch this video by Vicki Tiede and then reach out to her for advice about this.
Luke,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read through my story, and then for referring me to this site. There are a plethora of information & resources on here that I know I can use, as well as pass on.
In my case, my husband’s (soon to be ex-husband’s)secret porn addiction escalated into a prostitute addiction. One thing wives need to understand is that an addiction is just that, an addiction. It will rob the addict of their relationships & will wreck families that get in it’s way. No matter how supportive the wife is, the addict will only recover if they are the ones that want to recover. No one can force recovery on another.
Sex addicts, like all addicts, are very deceitful & cunning. If they do not truly want to fight their addiction, they are experts at hiding it’s existance, & at pretending that they are fighting it.
I truly feel that by my husband turned to prostitutes because of the strict filters we installed along with his not wanting to recover. He is an addict & he needed his fix. He is so consumed with prostitution at this point that once he gets them on his mind, he can’t do anything until he has sex with them. He claims that afterward, he is sickened by his actions, yet he continues.
I will never understand exactly how sexual addiction work on a persons mind. But I do know, first hand, that it is as physically addictive as any drug can ever be.
Luke,
Hi and thanks for your recent visit to my blog. After reading through your site, I can say that we have very different views on sexuality in general and pornography is particular. You write, “In my judgment, pornography is always harmful to true intimacy in marriage.” And herein lies our major difference, as I don’t assume to judge for anyone but myself.
When I meet with clients, they hash out their own judgments on pornography and its effects on their relationships, rather than coming to me in order for the man to learn that porn is bad. Nothing is “always” bad or “always good.” Things are far to complex to make simple, quick statements like that. What about erotic art that a couple makes themselves and the husband masturbates to… is that bad? Or what about erotic literature… is that a intimacy killer?
I think your work appeals to an audience with traditional Christian values and traditional Madonna/Whore paradigms about sexuality. And perhaps your methods and ideologies support that community. In my community, the ideas you have written about here border on offensive (especially the accountability software), let alone helpful.
I applaud your commitment to such a taboo subject, and wish you the best of luck.
Sincerely,
Melina Winterton
http://melinathinks.com
Thank you for this site. I have been perusing many articles, and I appreciate the work you do in researching pornography addiction and linking to so many helpful books, articles, blogs, etc. Thank you so, so much. My husband has begun recovery for his pornography addiction, and I am working on trusting God completely through this devastating time. Please continue to post and bring this information out; it is so helpful to know I am not alone.
I’ve been married almost 30 years, and both of us
are Christians. We’ve been through a lot with our childrens’ health that took a toll on our marriage starting about 12 years ago. I became emotionally involved with another man via the internet and justified it because my husband had
become so withdrawn and I was lonely. After ending the distant romance, and six months of counseling, our marriage became better than ever. Then one day after all that,
a “Mate 1” advertisement came into our email, and
I found out he had made a dating profile. From there, I found internet history of porn sites.
I stopped eating, sleeping, and being able to concentrate on anything. I was nervous all the time, until he made a comment out of the blue about his neice’s recent breast augmentation.
It was totally out of his character to make such a remark. I shocked him by breaking at that moment and telling him I’d found his secret.
He cried, and said how sorry he was and vowed not to do it again. Two years later, and I have caught him 3 more times. No more dating sites or
“hard porn”, but silly video clips of sexually stimulating scenes. He becomes more defensive each time now, saying its me with the hangups,
and he blames me for his behavior, saying I drove
him to it. He’s says he won’t look at it anymore (this time) because its not worth the “hassle” he goes through when caught.
I don’t know what to do now.
Please advise, thanks
Susan
Crystal – not sure if you will read this or not. I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through. Please find a good counselor to talk these things through. I am a follower of Christ but do not believe God would want you to stay in an abusive relationship where you are not actively loved by your spouse. At least consider that you don’t have to sacrifice your life for your husband anymore – even if it means a separation and not a divorce. Give yourself space to find yourself again through counseling and prayer. He should be loving you as Christ loves the church, not demeaning you. Thre are other faithful options than living with a husband day to day who has sacrificed you and your child for porn. Just not looking at porn isn’t enough – he needs to actively be taking steps to love you and restore your trust. Don’t settle for less than that.
You know it’s wives like you who follow the supposed Christian path that put destructive thoughts into women’s heads. Her husband looks at silly videos. He has come a long way from porn watching. Give him credit. Once a man’s been watching porn since highschool it’s hard for him to stop. That doesn’t mean he won’t stop. It’s like getting a dog to stop digging under the fence. You have to punish him until he stops.
Hey Kelly. I agree with you that when a man has been watching porn for most of his life, it’s hard for him to stop. I agree also that men can stop looking at porn and create healthy new habits. However, I disagree with the idea that punishment is the way to go, and I would suggest that the best way for men to form new habits is to take responsibility for themselves through a group like Sex Addicts Anonymous. And I think partners need to take responsibility for themselves as well, for the processing of their own emotions in a group like S Anon and through the formation of healthy boundaries. Blessings, Kay
I am so glad I found this website. I can’t believe how many people are affected by this issue. I knew I wasn’t the only one but it is so widespread. It makes me so angry that the enemy has taken such a foothold in this area and so many of us let him. In February I found out that my husband of 11 years has been viewing pornography regularly for 7 and a half years. Basically any time I was out of the house whether he was supposed to be looking after the kids or not. I am still reeling from this as I thought he was a committed, God-fearing Christian. We met in Bible College! This has been earth shattering for me to say the least and I still have many days where I just want to get out of this relationship. He is putting things in place in his life to change this but I haven’t seen any real underlying change yet – in his behaviour and attitudes. I’m not sure that true repentance has actually taken place. But how can I be the judge of that? All I can do is handle what I see and he is hard to handle. It has been really good reading about other women’s comments on how they feel about this and how unworthy it makes them feel. I feel like that. I thank God I know Him and I know that He values me enough to die for me. And that in His eyes I will always be his cherished, valuable and beautiful daughter. Without Him I can’t see me getting through this. But at times I despise my husband for what he brought into our lives. That one day I will have to explain this situation to our two beautiful daughters. That he brought disrespect and dishonour and resentment into our marriage and that he devalued and was unfaithful to his always beautiful bride. I have not changed. As a person I’ve only gotten better with the years. I regret that he has not seen or appreciated that because he has been looking at junk images of women which have made him change what he thought of me. Although we are seeing a counsellor and our pastor and we are doing courses through our church the hardest thing I have found is I don’t really have someone to talk to. My friends and family don’t really know what to say or understand the situation and others I think minimise my feelings or behave like I should be over it by now. Sometimes I just want to be able to share with someone who might actually understand how hard this is and what it is really like. Thanks for all your comments. I needed them.
I am so glad I found this site. Life with my hubby has been so hurtful. He went to rehab in Feb. after I found out about all the porn and affairs…which, this, by the way, was the 5th time that he had been “caught”. We have 2 one yr. olds and I have had several surgeries and am due to have another one soon. Every time I am sick in bed…he uses that vulnerability to his advantage for his addiction. I am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells. He always gets so involved in changing his ways for a little while….then, of course, he is cured…or so he says. He started going to church with me and even got baptized. I usually can tell when he is slipping again by the way he treats me. He acts so indifferent to me and the kids, like we don’t exist or whatever is going on at home is not as important as his life outside the home. I feel like a complete moron for even trying again! I feel myself pulling away again…I don’t even want to hear his voice on some days. We need to go to counseling…but, with my illness, I am a kidney patient, it is very hard for me to make plans to go anywhere. I am so tired of having to make room in a busy, hectic schedule to have to work on his problem! I am in the midst of a very bad depression. He isn’t my first husband to do this…so, every day I am obsessing about what I do to make my husband do this to me…or, trying to figure out if I am too fat or ugly for him to be attracted to me…why did he marry me under false pretenses? In February, I found out that he wasn’t even faithful to me while we were dating…then, he kept his internet sluts throughout the time that we were in the process of adopting our children. What can I do? Does it ever end? Do I have to go through another divorce to end the pain? I feel pretty helpless!
Thank God there is a website like this. I’ve been married for 6 years and I knew before we were married that my husband had a problem with lust. After we became married, I foolishly allowed porn and tried to satisfy him. I was not yet saved at the time, but my husband was. I had been an alcoholic (and I thank our good and awesome God for keeping me sober!), so I know addiction. I know what it feels like, looks like, etc. I have forgiven my husband many times but I want to see change. I want to see a miracle from God: that my husband would NEVER look at porn again. Not to say he wouldn’t be tempted but he would recognize the evil in it on some many levels and it would disgust him. And that our marriage would be strengthened and renewed. That is my prayer Lord.
As a Pastor, I consider both sides of the problem. On one hand you have a husband who is attracted to sexual website, or magazine or whatever stimulates him. Then you have the wife who is hurt because of all this. There is so much information about the man going in this direction that is is distracting from the other issue and that is the woman who refuses to be to her husband what she should be. Interesting isn’t it? Weight issues, sloppyness issues, irresponsibilites of the wife and constant irratant of the wife is never shared by the wife who is hurt by her husband. As I counsel these are the issues that stand out that I’ve seen if they are corrected on both parties, then harmony exists and the addiction is lesson to none and all sides are happy.
Dear Pastor Sir, I am sorry to refute your comments! It is “this” mentality. (Believing the EXCUSES) promoted by the person’s you r counseling! There is NO EXCUSE for Infidelity in any manner PERIOD! Persons always have the option of LEAVING a relationship if unsatisfied. Part of ABUSE is BLAMING the other party so the abuser can continue controlling & still do what THEY want to do. I went thru this VERY SENARIO with my own pastor of 20 yrs! I turned to him when I discovered The Depth & Depravity of my husbands addiction. My pastor’s answer to me was “Is that All, is that why your upset? Its normal for men I’ve been on those sites”. So tell me what you r not comprehending about the EDUCATION given in this site! In the deepest & darkest most vulnerable place in my life (spiritually crushed) I met with the same attitude you have responded with to the PAIN in the words & hearts of the persons who have reached out in desperation and are literally fighting an EVIL that is tearing them apart!! Sir–check yourself against the WORD of GOD and HIS THOUGHTS & WAYS. Then come back to this site with COMPASSION, RESPECT. In the meantime I would ask that u pray for God to search the “secret chambers” of your own heart. Your response revealed what u hide & Excuse of yourself. Prayers for You that The Lord do a Mighty Work in YOU. He has placed u in a position of Authority & you have the Power do give or destroy the very souls u counsel. My Pastor Destroyed me that day while he shook hands with my husband-NEVER Holding Him RESPONSIBLE nor Ministering to His soul-bcause it wasn’t him who had the problem-it was me who had the problem by having a Godly standard!!
My husband said he only watchs a few hours of porn a week. He says it is not a problem. He is not like other guys. He says he can control it.
I think it is the root of every part of wierd and cold behavior he echibits. He thinks he is hiding it. I can feel the wierdnes ozing out of him. He denies it is a sin. He is a bible scholar. I don’t trust him any more. Lord please help us. comments welcome
As a Christian who is also a counselor I would have to ardently disagree with Tim. Though a wife may have problems and personal issues she needs to work on, as she surely does because we all do, she can not and should not ever be blamed for a husbands porn addiction. Many times the addiction in a married man (or woman) began long before the marriage. Furthermore, addictions are often a symptom of underlying personal issues and sins. The sins of a husband should never be blamed on the wife, no matter what her faults. And likewise, the sins of the wife should never be blamed on the husband, no matter what his faults.
I think my husband is a porn addict. Not internet porn, but teen porn magazines. This disturbs me, the girls are 18 to legally be in the magazine, but they look 15. They make them look so young by putting plastic barrettes and pig tails in their hair, and wearing knee socks. My husband is never intimate with me. I used to try to initiate sex because he hardly ever would, but he would act awkward and always make an excuse. He said I was pressuring him or being controlling. So I stopped trying. Now he blames me for needing to masturbate to porn, he says I don’t give him anything to work with. All he’s done is reject me. When I confront him about the porn, he rages at me and tells me I’m psycho, he calls me very vulgar demeaning names. He says I’m digging in his private business, that I’m not letting him make his own decisions, and that I’m being “petty.” I’m ready to leave, but I have no self-esteem left to get out on my own.
Im watching pictures on the internet about black girls with big behinds. I used to be attracted to porn clips.But not anymore. Am I a porn addict by watching models. Im married with two kids.
thank you all for your comments. I am 21 years old and have been looking at porn since I was around 12 or 13. I never even realized it was wrong. I believed that I looked at it as a substitute for the real thing but when I did get into a serious relationship I still did look at porn. a lot less mind you but it was still there. my girlfriend addressed to me that she had a very serious problem with it. so I promised her I would stop. I couldn’t cpompletely stop at first. after a little while afterward I did. and I felt soo much better about myself because of it. but after a while I slipped back into looking again. no where near the amount that I did before but I did look again. I broke my promise and it broke my heart. I have put and accountability software program on my computer to prove to her that im done with it. I am so close and I know I can. this is a major issue in our society and its something that I know I couldn’t have done alone. I think we all need support. but yes we really do need to want it ourselves! women out there please be there and support your man and please be firm about it. it has to be all or nothing. men you can do this! it is not to late to save yourself and your relationships!!!
hello Ian,
I have came across a website where u have left a post about your addiction to porn and how u fought it over for your girlfriend. I was touched after reading your post. I felt a sense of relief and comfort. I am currently experiencing a same situation but I was the one who found out and wonder if I can get some advice from you. I am married to my husband for 3 years now and we have dated for more than 7 years. I found out recently that he had been watching porn behind my back for the past 2 years we have been married and he saved on his computer where I just accidentally came across. All the dates and time that he watched the porn was when I was at school or working late or when I was fighting with him. The women he watched naked were russian women that he constantly tells me he find them attractive and he listens to their music all the time. (I am not russian) After finding out all the porn on his computer, I confronted him. First he was defensive then he told me that it means nothing and all men watch it and he didn’t know it hurts me. I told him that it does and I felt betrayed. He say he doesn’t see anything wrong with it but he will try to stop. My feelings are hurt and I don’t know if I can trust him again. My husband had been living alone for awhile before he met me. He uses this as an excuse that he had always done it before he met me when he was lonely. But it is destroying our marriage because I realize this is the reason why he doesn’t have sex with me and rather subsitute me with porn. I already told him how I feel but it doesn’t seem like he understands how much pain I am going through. I feel insignificant to him and I don’t know if he will do anything else behind me that he can somehow justify it as right just because “all men do it.”
My question to you is since you have been through this before and you have fought it over. Is it really possible to stop? Do all men have to watch porn when their wives are busy at school or work? Should I forgive him and try trust him again? I feel like I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore, can this feeling be restored? Please respond back if you can, it will really help me find some comfort and guidance.
Thank you so much.
Nancy
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY IS DANGEROUS.
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS LIVES.
INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS SOULS.
I quote Crystal, and bless her for her patience in such a situation. I do not judge or recommend anything except to wait upon the Lord, who is in control, and just believe and wait for the salvation.
I was also addicted to internet and porn mags for years after my marriage, where my wife was totally against my addiction. It was because of my constant desire to keep up my relationship with God, I gradually got over my porn addiction. If you desire and only if your really desire to be HIS child, HE will surely give you the grace to get over this deadly plot of the evil one.
Today, I love my wife as the Christ loved the Church. In the days of my addition also I loved her, but not as Christ loved the Church, because you can not. In the process of my healing, she hurt me several times when she was hurt by my addiction. We have spend sleepless nights over hot discussions on my addiction. Although I want to get over this addiction, but I do not want my wife to dictate terms or dominate due to my ego as a male. Ladies, I tell you a truth, similar to any other addictions this also will not leave someone overnight, it is a process, you have to deal with it lovingly not by judging and complaining always. Your love should come as a soft touch of encouragement and closeness.
A husband should feel the real unconditional love of his wife while struggling with this addiction. Wives remember your marriage vows and likewise husbands remember your marriage vows. God has give us a family life to give us HIS loving touch in human form in this earth. The husband or wife can get over this addiction where there is love (unconditional) to fill that place. Your spouse is your first neighbor to show your love and care, the second and last commandment by Jesus.
There are people who recommend porn as sex education and give lot of seemingly valid reasons supporting porn. There are also people who say it is because of the bad attitude of the spouse, but as a believer and child of God, you are first accountable to God, then to your spouse and then to the rest of the world.
I am proud of people like Ian who understood the accountability part of it. Once again I quote Crystal:
PORNOGRAPHY IS DANGEROUS.
PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS LIVES.
PORNOGRAPHY DESTROYS SOULS.
In Christ
George
Please add to my comments seven principles to see your spouse through this addiction of porn:
1. Never ever watch porn with your spouse
2. Let him/her know very clearly that you are fully against watching porn as this will not add any good to any one.
3. Let your spouse know that watching porn is a sin and will destroy his/her relationship with God without doubt.
4. Do not say that you do not want to continue with him/her
5. Encourage your spouse, saying that he/she can get out of this evil plot of the devil.
6. Pray for your spouse continuously and love your spouse unconditionally.
7. Do not belittle your spouse or make fun of him/her, but give him/her the feeling that how good and healthy it would be if he/she comes out of this addictions. Support him/her by discussing the experiences from others who got over this addiction successfully.
In Christ
George
I’m reading these comments with tears as this is such a personal subject and one I have been involved with for a number of years. It’s good to see some good articles and responses at Covenant Eyes to provide some help and direction to those that are hurting.
I think of myself and my husband as survivors of a wrecked marriage because of porn/ sexual addiction. It’s been four years since I first found out how bad the porn addiction was and that my “Christian” husband was meeting people online and then hooking up with them for real.
I stayed with him for a year, left for a short time and came back. When I left, it seemed to be a turning point for him, and he has done everything possible to make me want to stay, changed the way he has treated me, changed in so many good ways, but the pain always comes back. I try to trust and even though I say I do, I know I cannot. I dream so often of just wanting to leave, but it is hard when you still have children at home and he’s been in charge of finances for so long and I’m not sure what I’d do. So, I stay and trust God.
I have no proof he is continuing any practice at all, but deep down I have a distrust of all men now. I don’t even believe all the Bible I used to, I see it in a new light. I cling to God but do not trust the men he made and designed in his image. I think God goofed!
The hard part about this too, is that the addiction made him seek the company of other men….that is very hard to deal with. My husband says that is what can happen with porn addiction- it made him want to do something that he didn’t ever think it would. Where does that leave me now? Torn, but I stay thinking God wants me to help my husband and if I leave him, he will go back to the sexual wolves.
To all those affected by their spouses or significant others looking at porn: It is not about you. There is nothing that you did or didn’t do that pushed them into this destructive behavior. My husband, who is a great man, was introduced to pornography when he was just a boy. Of course, I met him at church, and had no idea what I was in for when in our first week of marriage I discovered horrible photos on our computer. There has been plenty of lying from him, and crying from me, but we go to counseling together, pray together, talk with our bishop, and do many other things to help. Things have gotten so much better, and I love him, support him, and try to have empathy for the pain that he must also be feeling.
My heart is so sad. I married a man that I thought was sent by God. I had suffered from an abusive first marriage only to now be married to a sex addict. What’s worse, I find him masturbating having thoughts of having sex with our 16 year old daughter. He seeks out porn with images that remind him of her and other teens. He has confessed that he no longer desires me that way because I am a few pounds over weight. He has asked can he have women on the side for sex until he works through this. I tell him that this is not love at all and he claims that he loves me deeply as a wife and even our daughter as her dad. This is sick. He is her step father, yet he raised her since she was seven. We have two little girls together. I have watched him have sex with an escort three times, trying to prove my love for him and hoping that maybe that would be it. What a fool I have been. I am in so much pain over this entire relationship. I love the Lord dearly, yet this is not the way I want to show it. I feel lost and alone. I am ashamed and afraid. i don’t know where to turn.
This is very sad indeed. Sexual addictions are very hard to overcome and can ruin several parts of anyones life. There really are only a few things you can do for him.
1 You can pray for the Lords help.
2 You can help him to sign up for sexual addicts meetings or, if you have it celebrate recovery at your local church.
He is on a very destructive path and it will be hard to come back from. There may come a point in time when you will have to evaluate your love for him and what he is done to you. I urge you though to seek professional counseling for him and yourself to patch up what is right now a rocky marriage. Times will be harder before they get better, just remember you are never alone. God is always with you and if you follow him and trust him with all of your heart he can show you the way.
I am with a man I love more than I thought I ever could. A few months ago, I walked in on him watching porn. I was mortified. I had told him months prior that I believed that was cheating and I would not accept it. He told me he understood and that I had nothing to worry about. He lied.
Now he wants me to accept it. To accept it as part of him. I want to continue the love we have, but I want to have him love only me and be faithful to me. I have tried to make movies with him, only to have him not watch them. I buy toys, only to have him not play with them. He does not finish half the time when we are together. It is effecting our relationship and recently I left, only to come back with the effort of trying to understand.
I have been wroking on me, and have discovered that my hatred towards porn stems from me feeling “not good enough” for people. I understand that I have to work on me, and my level of acceptance of love, but why is it only one sided? Why is it only me who has to work on things?
I have dealt with addiction at a younger age, and I know the power it holds on a person. It was not until I was about to lose everything that I broke the hold. I do not want to give him the ultimatum, because that may fail and I would lose him. I am not a weak person, but I am weak today.
Reading everyone’s posts make me fear the future. I do not want to be in the situation that so many here are. Maybe I am already and have not accepted it yet. It is nice to know I am not alone.
To: “At A Loss”…
I’m answering you, if only because, so many times I have put out a desperate plea, only to have it fall on “deaf ears”, and never get a response. It is heart-wrenching.
It is good that you are working on you. It is the only thing you have any control over.
My husband has been addicted to porn for our entire relationship (14 years), and most likely before. He still, to this day, sees it as “no big deal”. He still dabbles in it when he can get away with it. God sees to it he never does. I am married to him, so I won’t ever leave him, but I will NOT tolerate that kind of behavior.
My advice, if I am in the least bit qualified to give it, is to keep your eyes focused on God. Read the bible EVERY time you feel low. The “not good enough” feeling is straight from Satan. Ignore it! Your hatred towards porn stems from the fact that God hates it too. It is a healthy feeling.
You don’t need to give him an ultimatum. Just focus on God, and know that HE sees you as you truly are… Beautiful. Your man will see you that way in time. Remember you ARE beautiful, and act that way, even if your hubby ignores it. Keep your sense of humor. It makes you feel better, while allowing your husband to “save face” and “get clean”.
The last time I discovered that my hubby had been looking at porn (again!) after having promised not to, I got dressed up really pretty, like I was going on a date. I was sweet and loving, as though I had no idea anything was wrong. I cooked his very favorite dinner – filet mignon & mashed potatoes. The house smelled great, and I looked great. He sat down to the table all bright eyed and happy. I brought out the plates (I serve dinner already dished out), and set them down. My plate had a nice juicy filet mignon steak and a healthy dollop of mashed potatoes, cooked just the way he likes. His, well, he had a nice PHOTO of filet mignon and mashed potatoes. He was flabbergasted, of course. “What’s this!?” I sweetly smiled and reminded him that he had chosen pictures instead of the real thing, and so there was his picture. “The photo DOES look more perfect (than my cooking), doesn’t it? I’m sure you’ll enjoy it even more.”, I said brightly. He did eventually get to eat, but not before I had made the point very clearly.
With God, you have nothing to fear. Follow Him boldly. Do what God wants, and you WILL be happy.
Wow, what a way to get your point across–a great idea too. I hope that helped him. I think when a man gets into porn for so long, it becomes a habit that he might not even think about anymore. Like a smoker lighting up the second they might feel a little stressed out or something like that–without even thinking about it.
as a fourty two year old man
that raised four children alone for fourteen years
I just wanted to say
that there are no woman out there that want a man
thats faithful and honest
passionate and sexual and sensual
I have been single since I was twenty eight
I am fourty two now and all I ever wanted
was a woman that wanted to have one husband
where are the woman that really just want to have one man and be loved?
I personally believed my husband the last 3 or 4 times when he said hed stop….Itd get better…Then start all over again. This time I am leaving and taking our unborn child and 2 and 4 yr old girls and leaving. I am not giving up but feel inadequate as a wife and lover. I have high risk pregnancies because I deliver early (something genetic happened with my mom too) and the stress is too much. I have agreed to speak to our pastor who is wonderful and will be consulting him myself to learn to trust my husband again. I love him and will fight for him and our marriage…IF its what he wants……. I want a good honest, passionate, sexual man again. Im 24 hes 30 but we have sex maybe once a month and I practically have to beg and then hes sooo distant that I hop on top to get the job done faster. I feel like im inadequate and worthless……..
Wow, what a one sided negative article. First, I don’t think anyone here has studied the male psyche prior to engaging in this subject. Second, I don’t think anyone here is a sexually mature female or truly understands the female psyche. Men are NOT looking at porn for a substitute for their wife, nor are they looking at it for an opportunity to see a perfect body. In the rawest sense, they are meeting their needs. Now don’t go off the deep end saying “I don’t meet his needs, I am a bad wife.” Men a different stages of life and development have different levels of sexual desire. Women do NOT mirror that, pure and simple. If you want to keep up with your mans sexual desires, it will take a lot of commitment and you will have to build up endurance. You can do it, but it will take work. It will greatly exceed your desires. But it will meet his needs and the porn issue will suside away, both in your mind and his spare time. But do you really need to? That is dependent on your feelings of security. WARNING: Do not NAG a man off of porn if his needs are not met. He will fill them elsewhere. To a man porn is harmless and lets him meet his needs and be faithful.
@Jake – Your implied definition of “faithful” is interesting, to say the least.
I disagree with your post. It is not always the wife duty to fulfill the husband’s or man’s desire. We women have desires too but it is not like we will go off fantasizing other men. Porn introduces him with new sexual desires and lust. It is the porn industry that is bad and caused all men to fantasize other women naked and other sexual desires. In many cases, it gives the man a different perspective of women, he thinks that that is the right way to make love to his wife and so he abuses her. He is also fulfilling ONLY HIS needs and NOT HER by watching porn and masturbating and not having to work for it to get it from his wife. In many religious point of view, it is wrong and bad. Your post says that men have different desires in different stages in life. Women also do, but doesn’t mean we should cheat or betray our husband for our selfish temptation desires. He needs to have more resentment. It is porn that gives him those bad images and desires, of course we cannot fulfill them because they are ALL evil. Porn is bad and is corrupting people’s mind, body and soul. It ruins all the people who have posted here above lives including myself. It had made great women feel insignificant and disrespected. A lot of the porn industry got shut down because of STDs and HIV passage. The porn stars didn’t tell the other person and then they got it. Why can you foolish men not see that? These people who are selfishly working in this industry just want easy money and are transmitting diseases all over the world. It is nasty and dirty. The porn industry needs to be banned! Men u need to see what is good and what is bad. The wife that loves you should deserve the same kind of love back. Don’t let these temptation fool you to lose such a wonderful wife or family or relationship.
Nancy
i disagree to your statement, “To men porn is harmless let him meet his needs.” It obviously is NOT HARMLESS to us women. All the above posting have proved that all the women who had suffered this kind of bad behavior from their husband watching porn behind them. If it is his needs why does he need to hide it? Why do it behind them? He knows it is wrong and he shouldn’t be doing it. He is just selfish and act in denial. He should not be doing it because it does harm the wife’s feelings, marriage and relationship. He should care about what she doesn’t like and shouldn’t be doing what will harm their relationship. If it hurts her feeling and their marriage then he should be doing it.
CORRECTION: *SHOULD’NT BE DOING IT
I found this on Wiki answers and I think it is right. Watching porn does cause harm to relationships and marriages.
Some arguments state that pornography forms a psychological idea of sexual expression which is harmful to the emotional and physical integrity of any relationship. It allows for the entrance into mind of sexual behavior outside of the relationship you are currently in.
Some people feel that when there is healthy sexuality within a relationship, pornography is the unnecessary expression of sexual desire without a relationship. They feel that it can be a perverse intrusion into the health, honesty, and meaning of loving commitment. Other people, on the other hand, feel that pornography can be a fun, healthy addition to a sexual relationship.
If your boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, partner, or lover is engaging in ANY sexual activity, other than masturbation with ones self, outside of your relationship, you are the victim of infidelity. Monogamous sexuality is meant to be expressed between two loving individuals.
Some people may feel that pornography often leads to engagement in other sexual activities such as strip clubs (physical pornography/infidelity), cyber sex (with or without a camera; visual infidelity), phone sex (auditory infidelity), and eventually to intercourse with a third party.
A Christian view:
Jesus said (Mt 5:27-28) “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
The purpose of porn, most often, is to arouse lust. So, yes, it is cheating.
Porn is very addictive and ruins marriages and relationships because a person who looks at porn a lot becomes a person who does not like to have real sex anymore, they would prefer to watch it, masturbate and that’s all. This is very damaging to a marriage as you can see. A healthy relationship is based on affection between each other, feelings that arise from touching are indescribable. When you become addicted to porn you are missing all of this and you become a zombie with no inner feelings for anyone except yourself.
It is not harmless. It causes divorce & painful break-ups. The person who is watching porn gets addicted to it and they don’t want to have anything to do with their live partner anymore. Yes, it does do harm.
On the other hand:
Most people consider pornography to be fun and harmless, and feel that masturbation is not cheating.
Some people feel that pornography can be kept in a healthy perspective within a relationship, and some relationships’ sexual dynamic is even enhanced by the mutual enjoyment of pornography. In this viewpoint, a judgment on how healthy or unhealthy the viewing of pornography is depends entirely on the individual relationship and the individuals involved.
Others feel that while sexuality is something shared in an intimate relationship, it is still a very personal thing. This argument states that pornography can be used during private masturbation without necessarily affecting their relationship. These people may use pornography in moderation to provide sexual release.
These arguments assume “pornography” to mean media that depicts sexual activity between consenting adults.
Hi Nancy,
Reading through your comments breaks my heart. It is sad to see so many women just like you leaving similar comments all throughout this blog.
You asked, “Is it really possible to stop? Do all men have to watch porn when their wives are busy at school or work?” I will say YES. I am a living example of this. But I will not gloss over how difficult this might be. Porn can hook a man deep. It can really grab a hold of his imagination, carving a deep rut in his mind. And it will take intentionality on his part: he will have to see what porn is costing him and you and make a deliberate choice to change things.
For your husband, it sounds like there is a disconnect between his porn use and your own feelings on the matter. I encourage you to read an article on our blog by Mark Gaither, “Is Porn the Same as Adultery?” He articulates very well why women justifiably get upset over a husband’s use of porn. To husbands I wrote an article called, “Straight Talk to Husbands Who Watch Porn.” It is full of scientific research on the detrimental effects of porn on a marriage.
Beyond these links I highly encourage you to check out our section for wives. You’ll find stories, podcasts, articles, and other resources. Hope this gives you a place to start for hope and healing.
I’m 22 and have been engaged to a Christian for 6 months and due to get married in 2013. A month ago he admitted to me that he watches porn sometimes on a daily basis and has been since he was 13. There is a history of it in the family. He claims to have given it up for several months when we first started dating but went back to it because he believed I wasn’t bedding him frequently enough. He also believed that it was normal and I should be ok with it. He now knows how much I am disgusted by him and his habit, however I love him deeply and don’t want to give up yet. I want to work through this and I hope we will have a happy marriage without porn.
The comments on here make me nervous as to how deep porn affects the user and whether they can give it up. I’ve tried to be a good girlfriend/fiancee and satisy his needs, but I have issues of my own which he has known about since we first started dating. I was sexually abused from the age of 11 to 16, and the scars are still healing. I have tried not to let this affect our relationship and tried to be a normal person.
This has really shaken me up. The mixture of his habit and my past has brought about insecurities from me that I didn’t even realise existed. I’m struggling to trust him and when we’re not together the images of him and porn torment me to the point that I can’t sleep, eat or work. It’s making me physically sick and I don’t know what to do. Please help. Is our problem different from others? Are there other people with a history like mine, and if so how can I deal with it all. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi Belle. Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of your story with us.
It doesn’t sound like your fiance is all that remorseful about using pornography. This is the thing that worries me the most about him. He is right that it is “normal” in the sense that it is common, but that does not make it right. You say he is a Christian, but his lack of conviction in this area is clearly out of sync with his faith.
He’s been into porn from a young age, and while this means it is a deeply ingrained habit, it is not altogether hopeless. He can still change, but I would be cautious about marrying him and expecting him to change. Many men have the idea that being married will give them their “in house fix” whenever they want, but if they have conditioned their bodies and minds to expect the fantasy experience of porn, no amount of sex in marriage can live up to it. This is not because porn is “better” but because it is hypersexualized. Porn offers an imitation of intimacy without requiring a man to actually be intimate with anyone. Porn offers a man endless variety, not the sweetness of making love to one woman throughout his lifetime. Porn offers a man a fantasy world where he can be totally self-centered: all the models and porn stars serve him the fantasy that he is the object of their desires, he is the most important thing in the world, stroking his ego. This is totally unlike the call to marriage which calls a man to sacrifice himself for the sake of his wife and family.
Porn makes a man feel like a man without requiring him to be one.
You might like the following links to read more:
1. My Fiance is Addicted to Porn
2. My Drug & His Poison – My boyfriend was hooked on porn
3. Breaking the Silence: Confessing Your Porn Struggles Before You Tie the Knot
You also might want to read the testimonies in our short e-book from wives who’ve been through this in their marriages. The book is called Hope After Porn.
I am so sorry to hear about your sexual abuse earlier in life. It is a terrible injustice to you that you went through that. Similarly, pornography is also a form of sexual abuse. It is a legal form of prostitution where women are coerced, manipulated, and paid to give their bodies at the expense of lusting eyes, only it is not just one man consuming these women, but thousands.
I thought my husband was depressed. Every time I would go work on our 2nd home, he’d say he did not feel like going. I left him alone, thought he was sad over a tragedy that happened in our immediate family. I was certainly sad, but thought working on the house would help me get on with life. Turns out, every time I’d leave the house, he’d be watching porn. We have not had sex in years. That was never my choice, however. I have heard every excuse from not feeling well, the viagra makes me flush, God meant sex for procreation, I do not have an on/off switch, blah, blah, blah. I no longer see him as a sexual possiblity, or even desire sex with him. Over the years, he has killed my desire for him. Since he discovered “in-private” browsing, I no longer have access to what he’s watching. But, I do not for one minute believe he’s quit his porno ways. Life goes on.
I find my happiness by staying busy working and being productive. He finds his happiness in front of the computer screen. But he’s not cheating, right???
Three years ago my two daughters and I found out we had a mutatated gene that put us at a very high risk for breast & ovarian cancer. We all opted to have double mastectomies & reconstruction. Before my first surgery I found out my husband was looking at porn. When confronted he said he had always looked at it. He told me he was a man & that is what men do. He also said he liked looking at women’s boobs. To say I was devastated was an understatement. I never told my daughters but I went through my four surgeries without his support. I didn’t want it! Three years later I still have not forgiven him because even though he says he does’t look at porn anymore, he still says he did nothing wrong. I am now seeing a therapist & my husband says he will go with me but he thinks it is all my problem. The first time I saw the doctor he told me he feels that porn is very destructive to a relationship. My husband also hired a beautiful young divorced women to help him on a job. She worked for him for five or six days before I found out. He did it without telling me because he knew I would be against it. Again he feels he did nothing wrong. I feel he is no trustworthy.
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My husband is a recovering porn addict. How do I keep him accountable with “private browsing” on computers and iPad? I try so hard not to get upset or accusing when asking but it seems if I don’t ask the “right” question(s) I don’t get a completely honest answer. He says that’s his way of protecting me because he knows it hurts me. Any advice?
Great questions.
1. The technical issue can be solved it he agrees to be held accountable for his porn use. Ask him specifically what he uses to access porn (what apps or web browsers) and ask that he be locked out of those avenues. There are other apps and browsers available that will not allow him to look on the Internet privately. For instance, the Covenant Eyes app for the iPad is a browser that monitors itself and sends a report of all the places your husband goes online to someone he chooses. Covenant Eyes for the computer will monitor all his browsers and send a report the same way. See if he’s willing to do this. It will keep him open and honest and reduce the temptation to look at pornography.
2. As far as not asking the right questions, I would ask him what the “right” questions are. Chances are these questions are not yes-or-no questions.
I would be cautious about this. Don’t confuse your right to know (which is a legitimate right) with his need for an open and honest dialogue with someone who can help him. You do deserve to know the details of his indiscretions, and he should be honest with you because secrecy is actually perpetuating the problem. However, it is also not helpful to him or you if you have to play the cop in his life: it will be exhausting for you and unhelpful for him. He needs to have others in his life who can not only play the cop (asking the hard questions) but be a coach to him (giving him good feedback and helping him overcome his problem). You shouldn’t have to play that kind of counseling role.
So tell him that you want his honesty, but encourage him to find the kind of relationships in his life that will actually help him move away from the porn and toward a life of integrity.
once i was blind now i can see, am realy exited to share this testimony because i almost lost my husband but thanks to Dr. Khwaja who realy saved me from disgrace. my name is Amanda and i have been married to my husband for 5 years, and with a beautiful baby boy, suddenly things went wrong around November last year that my husband now started staying out late or won’t even come home and if ask him he’ll give some flimsy excuses about his work load at work and it now even got worsen when he stoped coming home and also never show up throughout thr festive season period in December, for almost a month he never came home and i was realy worried and realy scared and i talked to a close friend about what is going on and in our conversation she introduce me to Dr. khwaja from Khwaja Live Temple you cant believe this man was the turning poimt i needed and just in a week my husband came back begging that he never knew what happened to him and now we are living together happily as one.
i will like people who are in the same or similar kind of situation i was back then to try this man, he is a miracle worker, you can contact him via email: khwajalivetemple@live .co.uk i promise you will come back to share your testimony.
Amanda
Here’s one I haven’t read anywhere on this site. I met my husband and everything was going well then a few more months went by and I was told he had some issues of being with men in his past, I asked him straight out, “Have you ever had sex with men? He answered NO, I chose to believe him due to him being a good church going God fearing man, boy was I stupid, all the signs were there. He is a sex addict, porn addict, AA addict, NA addict but guess which addictions he cant control? Im sure you got it right! After finding out about the men, we had just moved in together, I WAS DEVESTATED, it took me the better part of a year to forgive the lies and the not telling me the truth before we moved in together and he had gotten engaged, I felt trapped. With much prayer and begging for God to help me get through it and forgive I eventually did. Well on Valentines day of this year, I found out he had been looking at porn again, not only women but men also, I am now disgusted! I an not an ugly woman and love sex, so that wasn’t the problem but their was hardly any sex, and when there was I wanted to scream, it was only about him and that was when he could perform! It wasn’t very often I promise you that. TO make a long story short, His deceit well, im not sure I care anymore, Im emotionally wrung out, strung out etc…can’t even find it within myself to pray. Dear Porn, you won! You can have him. Nothing else left here to give!
We were engaged******typo****sorry.
Dear lord, I cannot spell today. Please forgive, too emotional I suppose while typing this.
Hi No Name. I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with this man. I’m curious if he has tried to get some help for all the compulsions in his life. He needs help from others who can walk with him to get through all this mess.
I’m concerned for your heart in all of this. Some time away from him would probably be wise at this point. I’m no counselor, and I certainly can’t tell you what is best from your brief comment. But if he has this many issues to deal with, he needs a kind of help that you (nor any woman) can give him. He needs to be broken over his wrongdoings seek out help in the worst way. Don’t feel the burden of having to stay with him. If you end up with him in the end, so be it, but don’t try to play counselor and girlfriend at the same time.
I am praying for you in your situation.
As a man I wish I was never exposed to Porn. I’m am a born again Christian with a loving wife. I can honestly say the majority of men look at porn for convenience only and NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH THERE WIVES. I did inform my wife about struggling with this addiction. She has done a lot to help me. As a man inside you feel terrible, disgusting, not worthy of christ or marriage at times. The hurt isn’t just on the wives I can say that from experience. Don’t waste your time with the internet screening software that allows accountability partners YOUR HUSBANDS will figure out how to disable it I know I did. YOUR HUSBAND HAS TO TRULY WANT TO STOP OR AT LEAST TRY TO STOP. I finally made my wife set the PASSWORD to our computer. THIS HAS HELPED SO MUCH !!!! FIRST AND FOREMOST your husbands have to ask for the LORDS HELP and quit trying to do it on their own. I listen to Family Life Today on Sunday’s with my wife and a pastor that was struggling with porn finally made it impossible for him to look at it. That what your husbands have to do EVEN IF IT MEANS down grading phones. I went back to a flip phone so that I am not tempted. As a godly man that struggles with this, holy spirit works in those men’s lives they aren’t feeling happy go lucky either. I know I felt terrible TERRIBLE. Satan not only does he feed on the images, but guilt. He help make the men feel so bad that they shouldn’t go to church or that forgiveness doesn’t exist for them. Satan is powerful BUT NOT AT MIGHTYAS THE LORD. Before divorce please talk to your husbands about down grading phones, creating internet passwords and letting the lord make your marriage what he intended it to be. I AM NOT PERFECT BUT I BELIEVE THE LORD TRULY KNOWS MY HEART, YOUR HEART, AND YOUR HUSBANDS HEART.
Hi
I just caught my husband on watching during day time porn site. He has been watching them for sometimes now as he stated and was only deleting them.
Now my mother knows about it as a result as I could not stand it.
He apologised but i feel hurt and found difficult to trust him. I can not talk to him do not want him to touch me.
My emosionl needs has been ignored and I ignored his sexual needs.
I did not have much pleasure doing this any way.
Sorry just wanted to share my feelings I just do not know what to do.
Hi Janet, I’m really sorry to hear about what your husband has done to you. Have you had a chance to talk to your husband about what he thinks needs to happen for him to change? Does he have a desire to put the porn behind him?
I’ve been in Porn recovery since 2010. I’ve been married twice and had a couple long term relationships when i was younger. Most of the woman were tolerant of my porn but none of them liked it. It was not normal and it did make true intimacy impossible. The article is right some women just don’t know what intimacy really is. A guy having sex with his wife thinking about all the porn scenes or insisting on getting what he has seen in the movies. Often no woman will do all that and than there is that disappointment that the woman did not fulfill his fantasies. Some men will even think of porn when having sex with their wives, or the acts. In some cases loss of interest with real sex can happen, ED, or desensitization. Porn can also lead to other stuff like live cams, chats, and encountering real women online. I’ve done it all myself, not everything while I was necessarily married though. I know my life is better without porn, I’ve had some setbacks but I’ve been clean most of the time since 2010. I cannot go back to where I was before!
I believe this situation can also lead to the development of body dysmorphic disorder or general body image disorders in wives. It is hard enough living in a culture which puts pressure on women to look a certain way and shames them for not doing so, it can be quite brutal. For a husband to join forces with this through warping his expectations by porn provides no safe place for a wife to experience the natural course of life (pregnancy, breast feeding, ageing) without such pressures. It cuts to the core of her femininity to be in constant competition for her husbands sexual attention. Really, how would a husband feel if his wife compartmentalised her marriage by arranging opportunities to get male attention, give other men herself online? How would he like it if she created websites of herself to be other men’s fantasies? I mean it’s only fantasy…
A woman doesn’t need her husband to be consuming porn to be affected by it. Women are objectified at work, in social circles and public places as either ‘porn worthy’ or not up to the level. Our music is pornified (judging women constantly), general movies are soft core pornified and magazines constantly tell us how to get ‘hotter’ so we can catch or keep a man. Worse, the church pushes the ‘be hot for your husband so he won’t be tempted’ line at women which fuels our fears further…what is hot enough? What if I can’t be hot enough to keep our marriage together? I’m doing all I can but it’s not enough…what ever happened to love and protect?
Horrible, just horrible. Brutalises women actually…
I am 46 and soon to be 47 years old. I have been married to a sex addict for 20 years. He Has been going to sex addicts anonymous for 2 years. He is lying to that group as well as to me. I cannot tell all of you how many times I have found nefarious things on his phone including bits of conversations that point to his hookup and outright affair activities but I can say it’s every time I look at his phone which is sometimes every other day. He downloads them at work and thinks uninstalling them before he gets home gets rid of all traces, it doesn’t. He has never been honest with me about anything. When he says he loves me it’s a lie. When he says he’s attracted to me it’s a lie. He is a serial cheater and a constant reminder of how I disrespect myself by staying with him. I am sorry to say this but to me it’s true, if you stay with a person like this you are condoning what they do. You are tolerating it and you are enabling them to continue in their disrespect of you and God while they continue to do nothing but use you and treat like an ornament on a shelf. They are in fact getting away with murder and the person and spirit they are killing is you. And to you who say it’s the woman’s fault I tell you that you are of the same mentality of a womanising abuser. How is a woman to compete with a fetish she cannot abide with? How is a woman to compete with a woman of another race? Do you honestly expect us to paint our skin and crawl around like dogs on four legs for you? You are the ones lacking in the ability to take responsibility for the searing of your own conscience for the sake of twisted perversion. How I wish I could be in the arms of God now instead of enduring even another moment of this but God has had no mercy and did not equip me with the means, the friends, the family or the upbring to save myself. My soul is dead and my eyes show that. If you are the spouse of such an abuser and have the ability to do so get out now because this will never go away and no you can never recover. Now I am expected to be here to take care of him through his long suffering and terminal illness, Huntington’s Disease. I cannot even think of an adequate description of how I feel about this but I can assure you it is not love it is rage. It is praying for my own death.
I am so, so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. I would encourage you to find a counselor who can help you process through these emotions and create healthy boundaries for yourself. We cannot control the choices of others, sadly enough, no matter how much we try. But we can be responsible for ourselves and our own healthy choices. Peace to you, Kay