One hundred out of one hundred men struggle with the “fear of man.” I have never counseled a person who does not struggle with this sin issue. Our secular community calls “fear of man” co-dependency or peer pressure. Biblically, it is described in Proverbs 29:25:
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe” (ESV).
This is a paralyzing sin issue. Here is an example of how fear nearly crippled my marriage.
A Man Who is Unwilling to Lead His Wife
There was a time in my marriage where I took a passive approach to leading my wife. The primary reason, though there were several ancillary reasons, was that I could not reconcile the fact that I regularly sinned against my wife while I was called upon by God to lead my wife at the same time. I felt like a hypocrite. I would reason, “How can I lead you when I am a sinner who is not worthy to lead you?”
I felt embarrassed to lead her. Leadership is a strength while sinning is a weakness. Living in consistent weakness (I am a sinner) was a deterrent, according to my poor theological thinking, to leading her in strength.
In my twisted way of thinking, I only felt qualified to lead her if I was not sinning against her. (This is self-righteousness.) Of course, in order to live out that kind of logic, I would have to be perfect: once I stopped sinning against her, I would be “worthy” to lead. Naturally, this created a significant problem: I am a sinner.
The Real Problem; The Real Solution
This kind of thinking is an extreme high view of self, motivated by a desire to have my own righteousness. My self-righteousness would serve as a “ticket” that gave me permission to lead. However, if I failed in some way (sinned), then I was no longer qualified to lead. In such cases, I had to re-qualify myself through meritorious acts or approved penance.
Once I felt I had done enough to be approved, then I could begin leading again. Many times it was simpler not to lead rather than going through the rigorous cycles of perfection and failure.
Needless to say, this kind of theological construct is highly dependent on my wife’s approval. If she approved me, then I could step up and lead. If she disapproved, or my acts of penance were not sufficient, then I would either wait until her opinion changed before I led again, or I would not lead at all.
Finding Approval Through Other Means
Many times a husband may choose to find other ways to feel good about himself. This is one reason pornography is such a temptation. Porn is not so much about flesh and beauty as it is about the “theater of the mind.” The theater of the mind is the drama the guy constructs in his mind, where he has his “Internet girls” approving and affirming him. Where he can’t control or is unwilling to lead his wife, he can control and lead his “cyber girls.” He tells them what to think, how to think, what to say, and how to feel about him. It’s a perfect world in which he finds approval and satisfaction, so he thinks, in the moment of temptation.
While the wife is not the one guilty of porn, she can assist her husband in that direction. The spear that she sharpens could stab her in the heart. Ladies, guard your heart regarding how you treat, respect, and love your man.
For the guy, he needs to learn to live in the realities of the Gospel. Only in the Gospel is perfection found. Perfection is not through my meritorious deeds, but through the Savior’s. Here is a simple but profound process, if you apply it to think about how to live daily in the good of the Gospel:
1. Rest in the Savior’s work
2. Recognize you’ll never stop sinning
3. Repent of your sin
4. Relentlessly lead your wife on your best and worst days
Great article and is very much on the point of what I struggle with day to day and week to week.
Brian
What do I do while I’m a hypocrite? Lead anyway.
I love that. While it seems counter intuitive – I feel more like a hypocrite trying to lead that way – we must become something we are not if we are ever to become something better.
-Marshall Jones Jr.